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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 02:31 AM
Solo, I took your advice and left it alone. I feel good about that choice. Had an amazing week with our oldest S and DIL and grand kids.

They know that he has an apt down the street. I didn't discuss it with them much. just answered questions they had as best I could and then we just had FUN.

We are going to see kids in another state next week. Traveling together. Haven't decided where I want to sleep yet (we booked one room).

He has been telling me lately how attractive my happiness is and how jealous he is of it. I just say things like "I know you will find your joy again" and try and encourage without telling him how or what it would take. That is hard because I've known him for more than 1/2 my life. But I've learned that nothing I say helps him.

Best take away from this group is that we are both on our own journeys.

Finding that when I just do the best I can, live my life, take care of myself and let the chips fall where they may helps. It's when I start peeking at him that I feel like I start to sink.

Thanks, Solo for the advice. I truly appreciate it. Sometimes feels like I'm a weirdo for not investigating and getting to the bottom of things but when I'm honest with my self, I realize that my life cannot be centered on what he is or isn't doing. The truth will out and I will handle it at that point. In the meantime. I am def focused on living my life.
34 1,013 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 02:07 AM
I agree with LH19. It is mother's day, so a gift from your son to his mother is appropriate. You are the conduit to make this happen, and insure it does happen. It should not be romantic at all, and should be "signed" from him.

From a young boy perhaps some flowers or candy if you can't identify another idea.

The only exception might be a store-bought simple card from you that only says something very simple that acknowledges her role as mum. "Happy Mother's Day. (Son's name) is very lucky to have you as a mom"
8 182 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 02:02 AM
PsySara, thank you for stopping in and reflecting. I remember reading a lot of (if not all of) your sitch when I came to the board last fall. You've been through SO much. You really must feel like a completely different person now.

Your step #1 is perfectly worded, and in my mind the most important of the 4. Thank you for framing it so beautifully. I must constantly remind myself that I do not want to be with someone who needs to be convinced of my value as a partner.

Thank you again for your words of wisdom.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 02:01 AM
Originally Posted by Tryhard
R2C you are a wise man and you help is a service to many . I salute you my brother, keep up the good work.


Thanks. I understand how hard it is when emotions are involved. I try to give solid advise based on logic. Makes my decisions easier when my emotions are involved. I already had to think hard about what to do.
61 1,303 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 01:59 AM
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
"When you continue to have contact with her, I feel disrespected. If you continue the relationship with her, then I'll have to consider my options."

I think the hardest part will be having to explain my options if he asks. I don't plan on leaving the house or the kids. The option would be asking him to leave.



"When you act like you are single while you are still married to me, I feel highly disrespected. If you want to disrespect me and our marriage, I believe it is best if you move out and do that from your own place. I do not want to live in an open marriage."
39 763 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 01:28 AM
I am beginning to dislike the cake eat phrase . I jammed plenty of cake down my Mrs throat and she loved it and made me the obvious choice against anyone else . Do what works , being a great father is attractive, being positive, handling things well , being happy , improving yourself and enjoying the ride . Whatís not to like?
72 1,203 Read More
Midlife Crisis
04/20/19 08:34 PM
Hi

You will let go b/c you have before..

Happy Holidays
28 883 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 06:45 PM
Originally Posted by JimmyRig
Should I ask and tell her that I don't think it is a deal breaker and I believe we can work through it? Or wait until I receive papers and then ask and tell?
This is not something you discuss. If you do not want to share your wife with other men, you set a boundary. If you are ok with other men being with your wife, then there is nothing to discuss.
99 1,581 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 06:38 PM
Link

Originally Posted by neffer
If youíre depressed, youíre living in the past.
If youíre anxious, youíre living in the future.
If youíre content, youíre living in the present.

Live the present, face reality. Cool, calm, collected.
Time and patience are key factors.
97 3,393 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 05:47 PM
Iím realizing that the hardest part of detaching for me, maybe the hardest part of all of this, is the stress of the inevitable lows after feeling good and strong. I realize the irony because if I were fully detached, none of it would really get me down.
I woke up feeling sensitive and cranky, and I could feel myself being a bit sensitive and cranky with my H this morning when he got here to be with our daughter. My sensitivity was putting me into old patterns of over analyzing and misinterpreting his expressions and responses to me. We had a semi tense exchange, but we both stayed calm. I could feel myself getting triggered and getting upset at thinking he was having negative thoughts about me and our exchange. I started imagining him telling himself ďsee nothings changed, here we are arguingĒ and my anxiety started building wondering if he will want to talk about divorce stuff again this evening. I took a moment in my bedroom to breathe, then came out and did my best quick recovery turn around. He did come to me and squeezed my shoulder apologized if heíd given me the impression he was upset with me and assured me I hadnít done anything wrong. I had to keep myself from crying and told him he hadnít done anything either and that I was just in a cranky mood.
It got repaired quickly and as well as could be expected, I just feel knocked off my horse and kind of shaken and anxiety ridden.
My therapist often talks to me about keeping myself in a box in which i feel that if I donít ďkeep quiet and donít have any feelings and be goodĒ that maybe heíll love me again. I know thatís not loving to myself, itís not sustainable or realistic or even desirable. I need to be me and I need to be human. I just havenít figured out how to detach enough yet to feel that itís ok to do so and let the cards fall as they may. Iím trying but Iím not there yet. I want to figure out how to get my power back before I see him again this evening, so that I can feel strong and confident. UGH.
49 980 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 05:39 PM
Hey guys, just journaling

So. I have been busy GAL. I already was good at GAL but now when im not working or spending time with my son I am almost never at the house. Been playing a ton of hockey and working out 6 days a week. I already did these things before but I am really doubling down to stay out of the house.

Like I said, I took back the MBR. W is still sleeping in the MBR but usually starts out as far on the edge of the bed as she can get. As the night goes on she creeps closer to me and sometimes touches me.

I have been reading a lot of threads and read a lot about As. I believe she is having an EA because of her privacy with her phone and how she reacted when I went through her phone questioning what I had seen. I do not believe she has had a PA. I am sure a PA would be a deal breaker for me. After reading other threads I am not sure if an EA would be a deal breaker.

Looking back at my mistakes I have realized that my main problems were:
Not being affectionate enough
Not speaking her love language
Not listening to her properly
Dismissing her feelings and concerns
Jokingly putting her down (we joked around a lot at each otherís expense and while it doesnít bother me I am sure she might have taken some of the jokes personally)
Arguing instead of agreeing

I realize now how that all these things can add up and looking back I believe I could have been emotionally neglecting her. For this reason I am thinking that an EA may be justified on her part. It just depends on how deep the EA is, which I do not know. Hopefully I will find out more in the future.

Anyway today she initiated a discussion about how we will split child care when her and her mom move out in a month. Itís the first time in like 3 weeks we had a relaxed conversation. I listened well and validated her thoughts on the matter. We came to an agreement pretty easily. We even joked around a little and had a laugh (also first time in a month).

I have accepted that this M is over and that maybe we will R in the future and maybe not. I think my detaching is going well because I know that either outcome will be okay. I am really trying to focus on bettering myself and fixing those issues I stated above.

I think she has noticed my detachment because she has seemed far calmer and less cold over the past couple days. I guess I will stay the course and hopefully some light will be shed on the possible EA. I am wondering how things will go when she moves out. It really seemed like she had a tough time when I spent a few days away in a hotel. Anyway lots to do today, talk to you later.
44 907 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 05:33 PM


Thank you for the input and thoughts AS.

The weird part about this whole ordeal is not sitting here on my couch by my self. Thats actually quite fine. Kids are sleeping after a great day at their grandparents with easter egg hunting and a nice lunch.

The weird part is doing all of this by my self for the first time. I have these conflicting feelings of her missing out on something that her children really had a blast doing - and thats really what it is, because its just emotions. Logically, I am well aware of why she is not participating, and thats fine. Just getting it down on "paper" here smile.

I am beat to say the least. My parents love their grandchildren a lot, but aren't exactly poster material when it comes to helping out. Basically they dont exactly "volunteer" to help with the children, and then from time to time, they will make some comment about how much they "take care" of the kids. My sister and I have long given up on that conversation. It just means, that on a day like this, I am all alone feeding, watching, playing and taking care of a 2 and 5 year old, meanwhile I am expected to be interacting in the social setting on par with the rest of them (who by the way are all in relationships, so they can take turns to take care of the kids, and being social at the table) - thats a bit draining, but yea, it is what it is.

I could talk, but my parents or well my mom is, stubborn and only has one perspective on life, her own. My dad, well he is conflict shy, and just pleases my mom, so it wouldn't fly, ever.

Heading to bed soon thats for sure laugh.
47 1,374 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 04:37 PM
Love is the excruciating truth that you can experience a slow, encumbered death; yet kept alive to feel every twist from elated joy before the fall to heartbreak. We put so much hope into such basic primal instincts of attraction and stamp a label on it called love. Love is the irony where our most euphoric joy and devastating torments derive from, and its surprising how easily the tides can shift between the two. Eventually we get to a point of exhaustion on this emotional rollercoaster, and find ourselves on a path of self discovery reexamining the mistakes that lead up to this point. We call this a Vision Quest, and everyone at some point in life will walk their own unique path revisiting past loves and relationships. Almost every true heartbreak spirals you down a path of agony till you regain balance in your own personal life and regain the neutral perspective of love and relationships. You need to be in this neutral perspective before moving on, or you will destroy everything and everyone in your path while living in denial of an existing heartbreak you have not recovered from. Denial leaves your character bankrupt and the lack of a moral compass to make the right decisions; which in turn makes those who might cross your path victims of your pain that has not healed with time. 7 billion people one the planet, and we all experience love and heartbreak in the most common of ways. Love! Isn't it great!?!?
3 158 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 04:36 PM
Love is the excruciating truth that you can experience a slow, encumbered death; yet kept alive to feel every twist from elated joy before the fall to heartbreak. We put so much hope into such basic primal instincts of attraction and stamp a label on it called love. Love is the irony where our most euphoric joy and devastating torments derive from, and its surprising how easily the tides can shift between the two. Eventually we get to a point of exhaustion on this emotional rollercoaster, and find ourselves on a path of self discovery reexamining the mistakes that lead up to this point. We call this a Vision Quest, and everyone at some point in life will walk their own unique path revisiting past loves and relationships. Almost every true heartbreak spirals you down a path of agony till you regain balance in your own personal life and regain the neutral perspective of love and relationships. You need to be in this neutral perspective before moving on, or you will destroy everything and everyone in your path while living in denial of an existing heartbreak you have not recovered from. Denial leaves your character bankrupt and the lack of a moral compass to make the right decisions; which in turn makes those who might cross your path victims of your pain that has not healed with time. 7 billion people one the planet, and we all experience love and heartbreak in the most common of ways. Love! Isn't it great!?!?
26 567 Read More
Midlife Crisis
04/20/19 03:28 PM
Good Morning Hamburg

When I first read that W almost blew the house sale over $500, yeah emotional MLC. Glad you got it done and over.

I can see your detachment, and yes you are a different person, or uncovering who you lost for a while. Well done.

Keep being the sane stable parent. They need you.

You got this.

DnJ
1 69 Read More
For Newcomers
04/20/19 12:02 PM
So during the church service, W seemed moved. It was mostly music. I found an opportune time and placed my hand on her back and gently rubbed. Maybe 5 seconds. I figured better too short than over-stay. W didn't really respond either way. IMO, that was a positive.

Later I asked if the service had moved her. W's response was a quick yea, what about you? Quickly turning it back to me. IMO, this is probably a defense mechanism to avoid introspection.

Since then things are as usual. Friday W and I had dinner with D16 and her boyfriend. I took off afterward for the evening.
17 627 Read More
Midlife Crisis
04/19/19 08:03 PM
R678.

Wow! Thank you for the wonderful comments.

I do like to mentor and encourage, and I find a lot of satisfaction from it.

I love hearing about you finding and understanding feelings you didnít even know existed. Iím very happy to see my advice so well received and yielding such results.

Realize, all your gains, your progress, your new insights, all come from within. Your ability to learn and see, existed within you already. For my part I am happy to have helped. You are listening, absorbing, accepting, and opening up to a wonderous world.

There is a higher power at work. I hope you realize that, and truly give thanks to He who is working within.

R678, this is your path, and I am pleased to be a companion during your journey.

Have a happy Easter and a well deserved break from MLC shenanigans.

DnJ
75 2,854 Read More
For Newcomers
04/19/19 07:09 PM
Originally Posted by JWP
she says she will talk to her lawyer about this and no way I will get co-parenting.
H"I agree you should talk to your lawyer and get clarification about the co-parenting laws."

We called this reverse babble responses. Works wonders.
18 376 Read More
For Newcomers
04/19/19 06:52 PM
W continues to be busy during her vacation week and I'm trying to do the same.

Tuesday she was out with D2 at the museum in the morning, then went to see a movie in the afternoon. After dinner I went out with my friends from next door and had a good time.

Wednesday W went out in the morning, I believe with her affair-encouraging BFF, but came back in time to take D2 to the pediatrician. We all went to the playground for an hour, then W went to the supermarket while I took D2 home for a nap. W texted me that her sister was having a BBQ at her new place. She just moved in with her BF about 15 mins from our house. So I took D2 over there and wife joined after finishing with groceries.

Yesterday (Thursday) W went on a day trip about 1.5 hours away. This was originally supposed to be with D2, then W was testing the waters on not bringing her. In the end she took D2 along, which made it much easier for me to finish some work projects.

She called me on the way back and asked if I was at the house. I said I wasn't but I would be soon. She wanted to go out with someone and leave D2 with me. I told her we had a calendar, that Thursday is "my" night, and that I had plans to go out. She asked where, I said, "Out with some friends." She asked which friends. I said she didn't know them, which is true. She was miffed and practically hung up on me. Apparently it's only fun when she gets to do whatever she wants and I stay home and mind the fort. And apparently she's the only one who's supposed to be going out without sharing details. Oh well. I went out and had a lot of fun.

This morning (Friday) I woke up and she'd put an air mattress in the living room. Apparently she has no plans to return to the MBR but was tired of the couch. None of this is what I want but I'm not going to say a word. W took D2 to a playground to meet her coworker and coworker's daughter, who will be in D2's preschool class. They get along really well, which is great since D2 hasn't been around a ton of other kids her age.

W's phone has been acting up so she wanted me to drop everything and go with her to the store (I'm the account holder). I told her I had to finish up some things first and she was miffed. She does not think my work counts. Asked me multiple times how much longer I'd be. I kept saying, "When I'm finished with the project. I have to send it out today.". A couple of hours later we went, with D2. They ended up replacing her phone, and we had to stop by the carrier's store to activate the new one.

After I said I'd like an iced tea and she made this whole thing about having to go to her parents' house and not having time, grumbling because there was traffic on the road with the iced tea. So apparently me taking 2.5 hours to deal with her phone problems is fine, but her taking 10 minutes so I can have an iced tea is a huge imposition. So selfish these days.

She's also become a more hostile driver, making snotty comments about other drivers. ("Come on, MOVE" or "Uh-uh b****, nobody invited you, wait your turn," when a car was inching forward out of a parking lot). Some pretty aggressive driving too, which I don't love with D2 in the car. Anyway...
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For Newcomers
04/19/19 04:28 PM
It's been awhile. I'm pretty much in the same spot. The girls and I had a fantastic time in Pensacola Beach. I had to cancel the Vegas trip due to the death of a family friend. Work has been ultra stressful--with a lot of change going on. I'm splitting my time between being with the girls and living with my cousin and her husband. They are great people and I enjoy them, but life is a lot less structured. It's hard to get used to it.

The first house closed on 4/5. We may have a contingent offer on the second house. Getting that sold would be a big stress relief.

On the OLD front, things are going pretty well. I met up with one of the girls the weekend of the funeral--which happened to be in the same town as I'm moving to this summer. She's really into me. Her husband just up and left her and their teenage daughter and moved across country. He doesn't see the daughter at all. She would be of the rebound type. There's a lot going on there.

I'm really interested in going on a date with the girl that I've been talking to for awhile. She seems like my type and she seems to have her stuff together. Her ex-husband was a real piece of work also. He only sees their two boys a couple of days/week and not overnight, and I don't think it's because she or the justice system screwed him over. She would actually like for him to hang out with their boys more.

I don't know much about the third girl. We haven't really gotten very deep in our conversations--which has all been via messaging on the OLD site. I know that's a big no no around here. smile

The more I talk to these women about their ex-husbands, the better I feel about myself. smile

As far as XW, we are very cordial with each other. As much as I've moved on, it would probably be hard for me to ever rule out reconciliation (if that was even in the cards). I'm pretty well detached from her, but I still think about it at times. That's probably the toughest thing to balance at this point. I've actually turned it into a game. I try to be attractive to her, and sort of think of her as a fourth woman that I'm trying to court--in case she finds out the grass isn't greener and I haven't completely moved on.
7 244 Read More
Surviving the Big D
04/19/19 01:21 PM
Andrew, I have been looking for those d@mn cooking, cleaning, sewing woodland creatures for a LONG time and I'm beginning to suspect that Walt Disney lied to me. I think you are dead on about that whole princess needing rescued thing, though. She plays that role very well and obviously has a long trail of men following her that proves that it works.

Juju, I think you and I are a lot alike in many ways. I always try to treat people the way I want to be treated. I say that all the time, but it is true. I probably don't negotiate well for myself either, as you put it, though I had never thought of it in those terms. I'm very much a what you see is what you get kind of person. I don't put on airs. If you like me, great, and if you don't, I won't be losing any sleep over it. I'm fiercely loyal to those who are near and dear to me and I have some really close friends that fall into that category, but most of the rest of the people in my life are really more acquaintances than true friends. I don't need a wide circle. I really just don't understand people like my brother's X, but then again, she plays to her strengths and it works for her, so more power to her, I suppose. She always seems unhappy to me, always has a sour look on her face. Maybe she's happy but just has resting b!tch face...don't know. I just know I wouldn't be happy treating people the way she does, using them, but hey, to each his own, right? And, thank you...I think Sparky and I both are lucky. We are cut from the same cloth and I'm glad we crossed paths when we did.
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Surviving the Big D
04/19/19 01:18 PM
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Surviving the Big D
04/19/19 01:47 AM
DonH,

As far as couple 1 goes, statistically it's not in the cards for them. You would think after 3x D the guy would have figured it out.

Couple 2, I don't have enough info, but I think I know what's going on and what's going to happen. I agree with the guy in his 70s, 1 to 2 years out I bet it's a different story.
35 1,119 Read More
For Newcomers
04/18/19 08:08 PM
Hey, I thought I'd revisit this thread, in case anyone was curious how it's all ending up. I had told my wife that I would file the divorce paperwork, but I had a really heavy heart and was dragging my heels about it. After consulting with my therapist, I decided to write her an e-mail and ask her one last time if she'd be willing to reconsider and go to marriage counseling with me. I told her I missed her and that I thought there was a possibility for us to work through things to a place where we could be happy. After a few days she responded and said that after some consideration she still wanted to go through with the divorce, and she asked me to let her know when I had filed the paperwork. So last Monday I went to the courthouse and filed for divorce. I still have to serve the paperwork to her, which I will probably do today (so she can sign some things and return it to the court).

I am sad about how things have turned out, but I do feel a sense of relief. I would have been willing to work on things if she had agreed to do so, but I have a feeling it would have been a very difficult experience, not just for me but also for my son, and I wouldn't have been very optimistic about the outcome, given her current mental state.

Thanks to everyone on this board who offered advice and empathy. I appreciate it.

Ed
34 792 Read More
Midlife Crisis
04/18/19 06:45 PM
Juju, Iíve followed your story for a while and yeah itís crazy how much gets uncovered. Iíve always wanted to let you know how much I empathize with what youíve gone through.

Itís maddening how my ex did so much scheming up to bd. So much financial infidelity. And yet.... I came out as the terrible wife who he needed to divorce after the years and years of me walking on egg shells around him. My whole life was tuned upside down and he walks away scot free. So maddening. I couldnít even imagine going through it with a child.


Anyway...
Wanted to pop in with a fun dB reminder.

I had a meeting this morning with the man who drives me crazy at work. Heís belittling and dismissive. Just awful. I was dreading this meeting and I knew it was going to be a doozy because we had a lot to catch up on and I knew exactly what items he was going to rant about. Anyway, I was preparing myself to set a boundary and was prepared to speak up for me and my assistant because he treats up both like weíre not even human.

Anyway, as I was preparing for the meeting, I told myself that I was going to ďact as ifĒ instead. I decided to be happy and super upbeat and even light hearted. I thought I could kill him with kindness.

And it worked!!! The condescension was replaced with kindness and appreciation. At the end of the meeting, he even took the time to gossip about corporate politics. Mmhmmmm not that I wanted to hear any of it...and it was so typical of him to talk poorly about others. But I acted as if... got on his good side.... and now I can go through the rest of my day feeling ok.

Iíll take it.
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