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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Thank you friends for all your time in sharing your views.

OneArt - I would rather W owns her divorce, just like her separation. I am not exactly sure why I feel that way, it is just a piece of paper at this point, we are not very much married right now. I think it is my loyalty and vows to her.

I also have no financial need of her. A divorce only provides an other layer of protection to our agreement.

I do understand the feel of the financial constraints for you. As you said, I do not have those.

The impending divorce or not is something I could live with. If I am not going to push it, than I will accept what she does, and when she does. When and if it happens I am sure it will be a surprise to me (she may have already seen a lawyer smile )

And for the record - I will not be a boyfriend while married. Even with a broken marriage. That would make ďherĒ the OW of my marriage. We already have an OM, that is quite enough extras on the set.

The problem is for me to persue any R, I would need to divorce, and figure out the whole death do us part vow. Ah limbo - what a joy.


AndrewP - The kablooie at my work is still not fixed. Going to require more time next week.

I am one province to the west from you. Manitoba.

I am not sure of the differences between ON and MB in terms of separation and divorce. H3ll I do not even know them for MB. I just know it is too easy.

I do thank you for sharing your process. I did figure out something. I am going to follow my advice. Something I have been telling Gerda - talk to a lawyer. I will see my lawyer and find out the process, and my risks of not filing. Information is power. I do not have to act on it, I intend not too, but I do need it. Iíll see what my much wiser in the ways of the law and emotionally untied lawyer advises. Heck it is my life, of course I am emotionally tied to it - thatís why I see him.

I remember you stepping away batter and bruised, undefeated and unvictorious. You are correct, that is closing the door on the past. I admit I am not ready to do that, to force that. If she does then so be it.


Gordie - Yep strong belief in my vows, and to keeping them. Really donít know how to reconcile that.

Married to another manís girlfriend. I never looked at it like that. That is bothersome.

I understand the bible supports divorce on the grounds of adultery. It does not look to favourable towards remarriage. So far just a theoretical discussion, however someday who knows.


Kyh - I tend to agree that those whoís spouses leave or abandon family do have an easier path. Sort of. There is a lot of pain and suffering compressed into a short timeframe. That can help with healing and acceptance due to the spouse being absent and not re-enforcing themselves within you.

Interesting how you salvaged what you could from your vows. It is good to have no shame in moving on.

I understand what you mean in loving her in a different way and be the best to your abilities. It certainly is not easy, however the right path usually requires more effort and is worth it.


peacetoday - I agree if W got divorce and married OM, done deal. Would take too long to unravel that mess.

I can see how a new R would be very healing. From my view (and nothing against you in anyway, this is all me) I do not need a new R to get better. Before I felt that way, I needed someone to be complete, not anymore. I do want someone to share lives with. Alone is not all it is cracked up to be. It is not horrible; there is just better.

Having someone would end limbo and start on to the next path. I would like that someone to be W.

At any rate, I am not in a big panic to end things with W and start a new R. Yes I am tempted and people in real life, although well intentioned with their match making attempts, are causing me some issues.

Like just about everything - it is a matter of choice. You are correct - I do know I will be alright. I wonder what the universe has in store for me?


bttrfly - Correct, I am standing and wondering how long I should continue to do so. Not wondering how long I can, but how long I should. That seems like an issue to me. Like making a reason to do something.

The human mind has an incredible capacity for reason. We can justify anything, just look at our spouses. I am trying to ensure I am not falling in to that trap, to create reasons to D so I can start new R.

Some of this stems from D16 stating she would be ok with a stepmom, a new mom. Wow. If my kids were more ďnormalĒ and resented the idea of new mom, I would be less entertaining towards the idea of standing down, or divorce, or figuring out vows and keeping my word (breaking them to be accurate).

I know you were ready for limbo to be over. I also do not want to regret what I have done or the length it has taken. So far for me in hindsight I would not change anything, I would like that to continue.

I agree that the spouse should carry the divorce football, unless there is some reason, some protection, that requires the LBS to push it.

I have noticed that I have other options. They are just becoming more appealing lately. Your ďdatingĒ insight is much like what I was thinking.

You posts have always been helpful.

- - - -

So thank you all for your help and with letting me explore this a bit.

I do believe that W is in the midst of some psychotic problem, an emotion crisis, MLC. I did vow to stand by her and I currently am not ready to stand down. Although I would like too and would like an R with someone.

I have never cheated, dated, or such while married, have not being unfaithful to W ever - I donít think I will start now. I am still married, such as it is, I will continue to behave like it.

I think my kids (maybe all kids) are in a parental limbo. They have no mom. They have a dad, and they know they are loved. But limbo is ... well nothing really. It is not crushing, or horrible, or anything else - it is just nothing, lonely. Children miss their parent, I am pretty sure. I remember a very dear poster (name has changed) who mentioned her son would love to have a dad like me. Very touching and dear to me, however I am sure he would rather have his dad back. My kids would like a mother figure in their life, maybe someday, maybe it can even be W again.

I am going to seek the counsel of my lawyer to find out my options and risks. I expect to change nothing at the moment. (Yes - expect. I realize this is an expectation not a hope, might be set up for a disappointment)

I have no idea what I would do about the vows dilemma. I understand it. I understand a way out. I am not ready for that road yet. Perhaps someday I will be, I would like to have a clearer picture before I have to make that decision, maybe i canít until facing it.

I still care for and love her. It is inside me, somewhat hidden, and somewhat changed.

I still have hope, for her, and us.

I am still standing.

It is still her move.

Time to embrace limbo and see where this goes.

This is going to take some time.

DnJ
74 1,791 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
If I were you, I would read every post by PuppyDogTails before taking action.

You only have one shot at doing this right.

PDT:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=19113&type=t


Doing things at the right time is important.
83 1,000 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Have you ever taken the Briggs Myers/Jung personality test?
I have not.

I can float through all kinds. I can be introvert or extrovert. Leader or follower. All depends on the sich.

180 everything. Float to the place you need to be.
55 827 Read More
Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
I dunno why we are talking about my case on your thread! But I am not at all worried about being pro se. I am just worried about how gross I have to be to battle him. I have been pro se for almost two years on a different case and have done very well. I will certainly be able to hold my own and rack up his lawyer bills for a while, probably until his friend gets tired of paying for another man's divorce, especially as this friend is also giving him money for living expenses, and, if I succeed with my first motion, will have to offer him a place to stay. At some point I will tell that man's wife what he is paying for and that should be the end of his having a lawyer.

I have a lot o legal advice from lawyer friends and two friends who went through this, plus sometimes I get some legal advice from a free service I found here, they just won't actually represent me.

If we go to trial, I will get a lawyer then.

But thanks to all for the concern. It would be great if we can stop talking about that, as I know everyone thinks I am insane and wants me to get a lawyer already. Would rather just hear tips and advice and experiential wisdom.
7 74 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago

All normal. Feel anything you need to. Just don't do it in front of W.

Remember that everything will be OK. You are doing the needed work.

Time is your friend. Use it wisely.
36 813 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Found a digital copy. I have some reading to do.


Short update:

W asked me if I was ok and if I was "just exhausted". I said "yep" and asked her the same Q. She also was tired but she was going to music. I told her to have fun. End convo.

I have to continually realize that my sitch, as painful as it is, could be so much worse. I am thankful that we are at least civil and are cordial, even humorous everytime we see each other.

Small steps. Marathon not sprint.

I hope this continues to true healing. I pray it does.

Thank you again, everyone. This board has been instrumental in my healing and rediscovery process.
61 1,143 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
lost, you're very strong through your crazy sitch. And you are standing firm, like a large boulder.

I hope that you continue to do good work and inspire those who are going through DBing to be the same.
21 384 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Thank you both. Expectations are funny. It is so easy to have them and not really realize it until you are in a situation reacting. Last night was interesting. My H was really emotional when he was talking about his stressful week which, honestly, was not that bad in the grand scheme of things. Iíve handled way worse. It occurred to me while talking to him just how poorly he handles stress... like he seems really fragile in some ways. I wonder if he has always been that way and I just didnít notice or is this just indicative of how messed up his brain is right now? When he left last night, he gave me a hug and told me he was going to take the next couple of days to just de-stress and enjoy his conference. He told me to do the same with my sister. He asked where we were going but then added, before I could answer, ďnot that itís any of my business.Ē I told him anyway. He had guessed correctly anyway since she and I have an overnight shopping/casino trip we used to take about twice a year. Havenít gone for at least a year so I am really looking forward to it. My H is turning 45 on Sunday (really hate that he is 5.5 years younger than me). I thought about getting him something but decided that I would just help our daughter bake him his favourite cake.

So I did something a bit risky(?). Not sure. My H has maintained that his running away was basically running away from me and our relationship but not our kids. He said leaving them was the hardest part. I actually donít believe him. I think he was running away from EVERYTHING that felt like pressure and responsibility. In actuality, even when he had the chance to spend more time with them (when I wasnít around), he would still choose to leave. So... I proposed to him in an email that we switch places for a month. I suggested that he could move back in to our place, keep his rental, and that i would go and stay with my sister. I told him he could do all the daily things with the house and the kids (and I provided him with a LONG list) and I would see them on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. I told him to think about it and we can talk about it next week sometime. It will be interesting to see how he responds. I know if he agrees, he will do a good job taking care of them but it might kill him...lol. Anyway... Iím not 100% sure I could be at my sisterís for that long (she only lives 5 minutes from me so itís not like I would be a world away) but Iím kind of tired of him blaming me for his behaviour...
62 1,042 Read More
Midlife Crisis
4 hours ago
Hello bttrfly

Well that certainly put a kink in your otherwise probably alright day. I am sorry.

(((bttrfly)))

You asked how do you process it. How to get to a place of forgiveness in your heart?

First off, I have read all your threads long ago, and I remember something about once you get this Italian women angry look out! I do hope you are not that livid, or at least getting less livid. (a little humour to soften you up).

How to process, how to forgive: Well accuracy has been good for me.

You got some unwelcome news, is it accurate or maybe a little embellished. Please do not get me wrong, interfering and attempting to get son to turn against you - ya not good! However son is not buying it. That sure says something about sane mom.

From what you said ex-mil has been backstabbing since BD.

I understand how this would kick up a lot of emotions. Who do you blame? Since we cannot talk in real time I will guess probably that hag ex-mil.

She has been doing this off and on for four and half years. You just found out. You are upset. You are creating your feelings.

Yes she is to blame, she did the act. However, she, and no one, can make you feel something - you control your feelings. Those fleeting feelings are fast to ignite, summoned from our subconscious beyond our control. In a bit we take over and either feed them or let go and let them flit away. Which ever you choose will determine how you process things and affect future springing forth of such feelings.

I think you know which side I am promoting. Understand you feelings and let go of them. If you had not heard about this today, what would your day have been like? You donít really interact with her that much. You son has held his own. Her actions do not affect your day to day activities - so do not let some new found knowledge gain too large a foothold, she is not worth it.

You know she is angry, lashing out, and not in possession of all the facts.

With that view and understanding, the feelings will ease and you can get to a place of forgiveness.

Ex-mil still angry and acting out after all this time. That poor women, what a sad life, not much peace for her.

My kids, parents, and close friends were very upset and angry when W left and abandoned us all. It took some time to pass on my belief and understanding of W and how sad and depressed she must be to do what she is doing. No one is livid at her any more and havenít been for a long time.

We have forgiveness and peace in regard to W, even though she is still acting out much like your ex-mil is still acting out. Perhaps you can understand or somewhat believe how sad she must be to do that.

Understanding leads to forgiveness. It is not absolution or condoning, it is just you not holding a grudge. It really is for you.

Thatís my two cents.

Hope it helps.

DnJ
91 2,979 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Sending you a hug. My thoughts are with you and your friend.

(((Steve)))
88 1,678 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Stay strong man, keep DB.
90 1,820 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
Hi black8

I understand how that timeline is like waiting for the other show to drop, it is so stressful. Listen to OneArt, take your eyes off her and focus on you and kids, and your happiness.

If you are not going to push the D along, and I believe that you are of that mindset, then it will happen when it happens whether you are focused on it or not - is up to W. So choose to not focus on her, it is less stressful.

Originally Posted by black8
I will try to take this as it comes, but I feel I deserve to know from her when she wants this divorce done. This is completely selfish on her part and I continue to remain in limbo!

Oh how very true. Of course she is selfish - she is in MLC, it is all about her.


Originally Posted by black8
This will really be evident when all the kids and me are together for Christmas, and she is not there. I do not even know what excuse I can make for them then...

In my opinion, do not make excuses, do not cover things up too much - of course be age appropriate. Children are much smarter and observant than we give them credit for. If you have ever swore by mistake in front of a child, oh my that is the one word they suddenly learn to perfection and know exactly when, where, why, and who they learnt it from.

I know it is difficult. Excuses will only work for so long and then they will find out, then what? I think things will then be a lot more difficult.

If you want you could share some ideas of what you might say to kids on how to break the ice. This is a pretty good place to bat around ideas if you want to give it a try.

DnJ
43 1,331 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Grace, we just had a civil talk about the budget for alimony and such tonight. Meanwhile he was red eyed and sniffling the whole time. I just don't get this anymore. He says one thing and acts another way. I just want what is best for my son and me.
76 2,249 Read More
Midlife Crisis
6 hours ago
Hello marina

It is good to see you reading and working towards understanding. The part in the brain book about the mind being broken like an egg, that does hit hard.

All the struggles you are dealing with in regards to W in therapy, meet ups, decisions, discussions, and so forth. You are handling yourself very well.

It is interesting when we forget an important date or event like your 11 years today. It is proof - detachment and letting go are starting to take hold. You will survive this, you will thrive this. Keep moving forward.

DnJ
45 811 Read More
Surviving the Big D
7 hours ago
I'm not jumping to blame mom, although she was a severe alcoholic when he left and from other tales of the marriage sounds like a possible personality disorder.

He was the one that left but didn't cheat or leave for another woman. His oldest two were in college at the time and the youngest a senior in high school. He has attempted to stay in touch ever since but I think his resolve is failing over the last year as their responses to him get fewer and farther between. They all live far enough away that you would have to fly to see them. (Ages 22-26) I've seen him text and leave phone messages, all appropriate. He refuses to badmouth his ex to them.

He's not the typical WAS in that he was trying to stay until the kids were grown despite his wife's alcoholism, and only left because she made a false accusation about him to the police (which they quickly determined was false) and he knew it wasn't safe for him to stay there any longer.
14 152 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 11:59 PM
It sounds like a good therapy session.

I know you want your husband to see that he had a role in the marriage getting to where it is now, but I caution you to keep the focus on your side of the street.

Maybe it's just me, but when I start focusing on what I want other people to do, it often starts me on a path of not wanting to change unless the other person changes too, and that's not a good path.
52 1,151 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 11:39 PM
I wouldn't worry about showing her you are moving forward. People who are truly moving forward don't care who notices, so the fact that you are trying hard to show it actually negates the message you are trying to send.

Also, about her telling the teachers that you are separated, I wouldn't read too much into it. It's pretty standard parenting practice to tell teachers when the family is going through a separation or divorce. Teachers usually appreciate that sort of information.
58 1,273 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 11:35 PM
Sorry, I haven't read your whole sitch just pieces. Have you read NMMNG?
12 248 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:57 PM


Here is one option:

H"W, I plan on taking the kids to the zoo (or lunch, or fishing, or whatever) on Sat from 9 to 5. If this does not work for you, let me know what time does."


If she shows a pattern of trying to limit access to your kids, then you can deal with that.
50 412 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:15 PM
How do you know if you have detached?

Is it acceptance at its purest form in relationships that are severed?

Sorry I just genuinely donít know. I havenít had the courage to open the email which is probably an answer in and of itself.
31 397 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 08:28 PM
Here is what I see in most of the nice guys here. The need to appease their W is their downfall. I'm not talking about that normal part of loving someone and wanting them to be happy and love us back. I think the nice guy's need to appease goes beyond normal. It consumes him. It prevents him from being able to mentally detach successfully. He is constantly wondering what she is thinking/feeling, and wondering what her next move will be. Bear in mind, the intensity or degree varies from man to man, just as some things vary about WW's. However, generally speaking, the problem exists.

I also see nice guys struggling in application. When he reads how to deal with a WW, it's difficult for him to know how to balance his actions. As a result, he will often times go to extremes or not use the appropriate timing to apply his new "get tough" actions. Am I making sense? I'm just saying that I think a lot of this new stuff probably feels quite unnormal to a man with NGS.

Most other vets will tell you to stop mind reading, which is good advice. Then Sandi comes along and tries to share how the WW mindset works...ÖÖ. smile My purpose is to help you understand what you are dealing with, when you have a WW. I do see nice guys in their WW's head a lot, and I don't know if I'm helping or hurting.

Quote
So, in the name of shedding light on the WW mentality, not mind-reading: WTH?! I see pretty much no reason to send me the text, since I gave the impression that I don't care what she does with the thermostats or the money. No need to tell me exactly what happened or how much it cost. She hasn't communicated with me about anything else whatsoever. It feels like she's needling me, baiting me, or trying to make me feel guilty, or all of the above.


I missed the text, so what I say below may sound as if I'm talking off the subject, somewhat. It's not about a text or why it was sent.....but I will add that when you are pondering over why she texted, what it said, etc., it's a sign you are emotionally attached. WW's are very good at keeping their LBH emotionally attached. Why would she do it? B/c it benefits her to keep you emotionally attached. That's all you really need to know about it.


So, just let me say that having a joint account with a WW is very risky. We can cheer you on about not running over there when she snaps her fingers...Ö..but if we don't know you are sharing an account or that you'll be responsible for the bill, then you might end up cutting off your nose to spite your face. Know what I mean? If you really didn't care how much she spent to have it fixed, then case closed.

I'm not saying you made a mistake by not going to see about the thermostat. (I think it was computer controlled, or something.....can't remember the details). Anyway, I'd like to use this situation about her and the thermostat to illustrate and hopefully help someone who reads this. So, let's say that she calls wanting you to come fix something in the house and you blow it off by telling her to find someone else or hire someone to fix it. She's going to be angry that you didn't run right over there to fix whatever she wanted done. Whether or not it was a manipulation to get you over there... .....she's going to be angry that you didn't handle it, for sure. We wives expect the H to fix what is broken in the home, so out of habit (giving her the benefit of doubt) she turns to her H. But, a wayward wife will use her H, or anyone else, if it benefits her in some way. If she's left the MR, then she has to learn he is not her handyman, computer tech, etc. So, when she calls about something not working properly, he has to consider his options. Will he be responsible for the cost? If so, then he may decide to fix himself, or choose a professional to do it for him. If he is not responsible for the cost, then he can tell her to handle it herself.

If he doesn't go over to fix it himself, or he doesn't hire someone...Ö.he needs to expect some type of backlash from her. It depends upon the individual woman and her level of resentment, as to how angry this could make her. It would be rare, IMHO, if it didn't cause a wayward W some anger, b/c she already has a big resentment problem with him. If she's angry that the H didn't go fix it or hire someone himself, do you think she's going to care how expensive it'll be? No! Especially if this is money in an account that only he makes deposits, she won't care how expensive it is. If the expense comes out of her financial support, then she'll be angry that she had to pay for it. However, in the moment of her having to find someone to fix it...Ö.her emotions will rule her decisions.

Remember, she operates out of her emotions, not logic. Plus, the WW is selfish. She only cares what benefits her the most. Some WW's are spiteful. In this case, I could see her angrily "getting back at you" for not running right over there to take care of it. Even in cases where the woman is not wayward, if the living conditions were intolerable and you told her you didn't care who she got to fix it or how much it cost, I can see her not caring how expensive it was, just as long as the darn thing was fixed. My point is that you have to expect some back lash when you tell a WW you aren't going to her house and fix it and that she'll have to take care of having it fixed. That makes her angry! Which is fine, as long as you understand what you are doing. Are you hurting yourself in the long run? By that I mean, are you footing the bill? If so, then you might want to consider your options of fixing it yourself, or being the one who hires to have it fixed. Is it more important to break free of her relying on you, or "using" you? In this case, you said you didn't care about the money......so I'd say you may get an expensive bill or some type of backlash.

Backlash is okay......as long as it doesn't rob you of strength and make you appear as if she is dominating you. The only thing a WW respects is someone stronger than her. So, if she can dominate you, she won't respect you. I think nice guy H's fear the W's anger. Even after they split, he fears making her angry. Don't fear it, but do understand that her anger will be directed toward you in some form or fashion.

But yes, it's risky if you tell her she'll have to hire someone to fix it......if you will have to foot the bill. If she doesn't have access to your money, or if you won't have to pay the bill, then telling her to get someone is fine. If you are going to be responsible for the expense, then you might want to fix it yourself or be the one who hires a professional. That's the rule of thumb for now. What we fail to mention from time to time is when this changes. We are so targeting on the here & now, that when the stitch changes, so guys don't realize there are few things they should change, too. So, the question for the future is, "When does this approach change?" Simple.....when she stops being a wayward wife. If you've seen all the signs that indicate she is remorseful and humble, and she is treating you with respect...Ö.(all that stuff I've talked about on the WW threads that tell what she needs to do), then how will you know when you can go over and fix whatever is broken. Well, there's several things to consider of course, but just to touch on it, I'd say to ask yourself if you feel like you are being "used" like a tool, and not appreciated. Are you left working on her toilet while she goes out with some other guy? That's what I mean.

Can you tell the difference? That's my question to nice guys. They have this strong belief that if they can just appease the woman enough, he'll win her. IMHO, this is something the nice guy has to learn how to shed. Men want to know why women are attracted to "bad boys". Well, I've just told you the secret ^^^^^^. That's one of my reasons for telling the man with NGS to work on those inner issues of his, and a lot of the issues he has in his relationships will be resolved.
30 443 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 08:24 PM
link to original

Originally Posted by Accuray
In short, he won't come back to stay and be motivated to do the work until he believes he can't come back. He won't believe he can't come back until YOU believe you don't want him back. That levels the playing field for a new relationship to start where one of you isn't "one down" to begin with.

In addition, you need to be good with yourself without him -- you need to be happy and confident. You need to be the best "you" you can be, you need to lead a life that anyone would want to share. If you can do that, then he'll be lucky to have you because you are the prize to be won.

The challenge, therefore, has really nothing to do with him or what he thinks, feels or does, and everything to do with what do YOU need to do to be happy, excited about life, and the best person you can be?

Focus on that.
78 1,526 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 08:23 PM
Thanks Neffer, really appreciate it. W and I had a really good lunch date. Great food, glass of wine. Towards the end W said this can be our spot. She had a few things ready to talk about and she seems to actually want to work on things, do it the right way. I brought up feeling a lot healthier than I did when we were sleeping together. And both of us needing to get our sht together. She invited me to sit in bed with her for a few minutes before I picked up D4 from school. Both of us were happy together. Maybe this taking it slow thing will work? I should probably work on listening... active listening, add it to things to improve.

I need to continue to focus on my 180s. Including patience, maturity, self control. Have D4 so limited time but it was a good day. Oh my battery died this morning, W had let it die when she was dealing with police after her accident keeping lights on. So I needed to get a new battery and a jump this morning. Which was a bit hectic.

But that doesnt really matter in the scheme of things... $225 expenses today for lunch and battery... we can make more money right. Have our dog here for the weekend. W comes at 9am tomorrow because I have to coach for a few hours then my parents come up and I have D4 overnight tomorrow night.

Thanks for the support all.
61 1,477 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 08:18 PM
Originally Posted by burned
Or because they're still porking OM?


If I thought that were the case, I'd be done.
73 1,157 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 08:16 PM
Hi Othstr,

So sorry for all this strife you've had to go through while pregnant, that's just an awful story! I totally agree with AnotherStander -- so many people on this board have had waywards temporarily return and are quick to declare "piecing" when in fact its just a temporary stay of execution for the relationship.

The problem with pursuit is that you put yourself in a position to be devalued. You're telling the person that they can have you back at any time and for no effort. People don't value things that are freely given, they like things they have to work for and earn. When H can return to you with little to no effort, he won't value you from the moment he returns, its just a situation of convenience for him.

Your H definitely needs to understand that you have moved on from him and that he *cannot* come back until he earns his way back. Until that happens, you'll see the same pattern where he might temperature check you from time to time, or return with no commitment when it suits him and then bounce out again. There's no consequence for that behavior, he has nothing to lose by doing so because he knows you will continue to take him back.

In short, he won't come back to stay and be motivated to do the work until he believes he can't come back. He won't believe he can't come back until YOU believe you don't want him back. That levels the playing field for a new relationship to start where one of you isn't "one down" to begin with.

In addition, you need to be good with yourself without him -- you need to be happy and confident. You need to be the best "you" you can be, you need to lead a life that anyone would want to share. If you can do that, then he'll be lucky to have you because you are the prize to be won.

The challenge, therefore, has really nothing to do with him or what he thinks, feels or does, and everything to do with what do YOU need to do to be happy, excited about life, and the best person you can be?

Focus on that.

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