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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Midlife Crisis
13 minutes ago
Over and roist

Thanks for the continued encouragement

The resentment is sometimes there

And there are triggers for it

But I tend to resolve it within myself

And do not express it



So another milestone

Better late than never

I asked my doc for an STD test

First time for everything
47 966 Read More
Surviving the Big D
19 minutes ago
I know man....hearing it from you brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. I know its not over but just to feel some reciprocation on the other end, the feeling of woman that is really into you for who you are is just amazing. I don't care how much we self-validate nothing replaces the love and affection of another person.

It's been a long road and it feels good to be finally seeing the work pay off no matter what happens with this woman. Knowing that the possibilities are out there at this time is good enough.
4 28 Read More
For Newcomers
24 minutes ago
I hear what you're saying, Amoafwl,about GAL. I meant more during the week than on the weekends as far as not having time. This weekend, I actually did GAL Saturday, and was also doing things around here yesterday apart from watching movies (laundry, cleaning, etc.). The main thing was hanging out with my S, who was picking the movies. In fact, we had just started the first one when W got home, so it was more of a "her joining us" thing than anything else... we were going to do it regardless. When S started the third movie, about 45 minutes in, he got bored and wanted to hang with a friend across the street. She asked me if I wanted to finish the movie in the Master Bedroom, not the other way around.

Also, I wasn't rewarding her for what happened Thursday. I told her pretty plainly that she could leave Saturday morning, something I've not ever done in the past, and is out of character for me. Her response to that the rest of the day and yesterday is why I was willing to hang out as "buddies".

The day was good only because there was no tension and anxiety on my end... I was in a good place mentally and emotionally. That's what I meant.

As far as GAL and being independent, it's something I know I have to do and stick with, regardless of what happens with my sitch. One thing she's expressed in all of this is that she wants me to have that so she doesn't feel responsible for my identity. And, further, she's right... she shouldn't, nor should I be for hers. Interdependence, not co-dependence is what's healthy in a relationship. But, even if she walks away, I still have to have that for my own health.
37 393 Read More
Surviving the Big D
27 minutes ago
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Funny the things we discover, isn't it?


Yep! I was digging the surface soil and grass off of the thinning patches so I could put down some sod and I kept seeing grub worms. Then, I went to YouTube and watched an episode of the Lawn Care Nut. According to him, in the south, during the spring the grass growth is so aggressive that grub worm damage isn't really noticeable. But, once summer arrives, and the growth slows, then the damage begins to show. That's what I'd experienced for the past couple of years. The grass looked great in the spring and then went downhill.

I treated the front yard for grubs yesterday. I'll probably do the backyard as well. I think I'll also treat the mondo grass. It took years for the mondo grass to fill-in. I'd hate to lose the mondo grass.
46 843 Read More
For Newcomers
33 minutes ago
You may want to consider talking to her about coming and going between your house and the OM's, I'm thinking about this for my sitch to.
31 499 Read More
Surviving the Big D
40 minutes ago
Hello pinn. Iīm a follower of your sitch.

Sending energy and wishes for your dadīs recovery.
15 315 Read More
For Newcomers
42 minutes ago
Hi burned,

I think AS misunderstood your boundary statement. But I get what you mean, all this stress is eating you up. She gives you hope, then tears your heart out. So why go to counseling with a person who is not serious, right? Why keep letting yourself get hurt?

It's something to consider, I need to read this sitch deeper but I see your point.
74 401 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Let me get this straight. She cheated....you confronted her and she laughs in your face. Then what? Rinse and repeat?

Has she had any consequences in the relationship with you, due to her cheating, lying, etc.? Have you separated, stopped sleeping with her, or enforced other boundaries?

I agree that she disrespects you terribly. You have put up with her terrible treatment for 7 months. Why are you begging, pleading and fighting with someone who doesn't want you? I mean, even if you love her, why do you want to be with a woman who doesn't love you? I'm just trying to find out what type of man you are, and how you feel about these matters.

I am a former wayward W. So, I will tell you upfront that waywardness comes from a lack of respect. Your W doesn't respect the MR, and she doesn't respect her H. Maybe this has been building (her failing respect for you) and you just ignored it. She will not be that loving woman you once knew, until she feels respect for you as a man. As long as you are willing to live with whatever she dishes out, nothing will change. Most of all, her heart will not change. Her treatment toward you will not get better. She will go from man to man, and expect you to continue financing her lifestyle. She'll throw you a few crumbs every now & then, just to keep the money coming. But the weekend trips will get fewer and fewer.

You have a very serious situation, but there's a chance the M can be saved. You need to do a lot of reading that is provided in the Newcomers forum. Have you read everything Cadet posted on his page? It has valuable information that will help you get started DBing.

Post every chance you get. This will likely get worse before it gets better, but this is the best place to be during such a time.
11 169 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Vacation was well needed and good.
Had a few messages from EX while i was away about S3 making strides in Potty Training. He did a great job when i got him Yesterday afternoon.
He seems very pleased with himself, deservedly.

Did a lot of meditation and soul searching while i was away.

feeling optimistic about what lies ahead.

22 Days left till Divorce.
59 311 Read More
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Thatís the trouble with me roist, speculate is my middle name!
47 1,537 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
thank you Davide, that is definitely what I am trying to do. trying to remove all emotions from it, W wants out, reason irrelevant, what has to be done to make that happen, get it done, take care of me and D, move on life.

like stander said above to me there is no valid reason for her to leave, but if there is a valid reason to her then that is all that matters.
64 1,009 Read More
Midlife Crisis
2 hours ago
Hi

Sometimes we can rephrase things or change our tone to a more neutral friendly tone
sometimes it works- it definitely helps me when I do this-


The MLCer may still react ..sometimes they look for a reason to react- its in them-

All we can do is our best- sometimes we can get better with practice to learn how to say things or avoid saying things

I do this all the time with my kids..trying to encourage them and find a positive way to say things as to build them-

People may still react- In a normal relationship we can discuss this-

With a MLCer, some discussions don't work as they are halfway out the door


You are doing well and thats all you can do
The cruises is in him and no matter what you say or how it is said it may still create a fight-
childhood issues run deep and wide and unresolved they will continue to haunt a person forever-
29 620 Read More
Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
I'd say your instincts are spot on - she is being unreasonable. Even if it is PMS, do you really want to go through this (and much, much worse as she starts to feel safer) every month? She's fun, yes, but is she going to be somebody you can live with and tolerate for a long time?
17 533 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Originally Posted by LoneWlf
I was feeling off today so I reached out to my friend - the priest that married us, He spoke about expecting nothing from W. Only accept her words that are sincere and from the heart. He also said our greatest sin and weakness is our PRIDE. He said until W can overcome her foolish pride and regain her humbleness and humility- at that point there will be a chance for R. He also said humans sometimes cling to their foolish pride at the detriment of their families. He restated that my trust need to put in Gods hands and allow Him to work on me , W and S.


Many thanks for sharing that. The priest is right.
31 645 Read More
Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
Hi Gerda,

Iím not a religious person but I know you are, so Iím sending you a prayer for strength through this very testing and traumatic time, right now.

You are in my thoughts. I found going for a long walk whenever I could, talking to myself about what I was going through, was and still is my councillor.

Iíve walked a thousand miles in order to process my feelings and thoughts. Without those walks I truly think I would have gone mad.

(((Gerda)))
41 544 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
"It sounded that I am dealing with a five year old!!"

"It made me feel that my only job is to serve him, cook for him"

It sounds to me like he expects you to mother him which is the opposite of what you had wanted.
75 1,188 Read More
Midlife Crisis
4 hours ago
Hi OneArt. Glad to see you back.

I think they go through cycles of engaging and not. I hope the kids are managing the emotional issues around having to deal with a parent who isn't on the same planet as they are.
6 176 Read More
For Newcomers
7 hours ago
How late was she collecting son? Just a few minutes? Hours? Forget that you think her uniform was fresh and her hair washed.

What were the little jabs she threw into the conversation? You havenít described what happened, I can only see the school thing (def go!) and an event sheís competing at (up to you if you want to go, have you been to many things she wanted you to go to and showed an interest in the past? If this was a problem go or just pop by as this could be a 180, but if this is something you have always been to and S not involved I might be inclined to say you are busy).

Sounds like some positives, keep going, be patient, little steps.
85 1,962 Read More
Midlife Crisis
11 hours ago
You really are the Everyman of the LBS set.
27 576 Read More
Midlife Crisis
11 hours ago
Pax, long time poster with a new name. Been following your situation a long time. I also have a personality disordered spouse and understand well how they behave in litigation. The court is not going to buy his argument. You paid money into a joint account. The mortgage is community property, the deed in both names. Your lawyer is not concerned because this is a ridiculous argument. It sounds scary to you because he is used to controlling you and you fear him. The CPA wonít buy it either. They are numbers guys. They donít decide who gets what. Just make two columns to split assets. You are almost through. Try to let go of the fear you have around him. He craves control because internally he feels out of control. These are fearful people.
5 234 Read More
For Newcomers
13 hours ago
Sounds like you've made some progress, but keep taking it one day at a time and keep your out for the small signs that lead towards the larger goal.

Happy to hear the progress.
31 839 Read More
For Newcomers
13 hours ago
Good job pain, your are stronger than you thought.
89 1,121 Read More
For Newcomers
13 hours ago
I wouldn't even bring up the window. If she does, then say "great".

I'm at a similar point as you. Unless the W is actually on board with the MR, the small talk isn't always useful if the WAS is being rude and trying to start fights.
14 460 Read More
Surviving the Big D
13 hours ago
YEAAAAHHHH J9! back to back dates and a make out sesh. And you are attracted to her. Not too shabby for the short time you have been doing this.
103 1,535 Read More
Surviving the Big D
14 hours ago
Mercury has left retrograde. I am hoping this helps me out a bit, and it very possibly could have.

Get ready to 2x4 me. So I went out Friday night and had fun. We didn't stay out long because the weather was awful. We have had unrelenting rains here. Saturday morning I was laying in bed looking at FB as I normally do and I saw a video of a coaster he would love. We chatted a bit about it and that was it. Then later he texted me a pic of him beating a record. A little back and forth and then nothing. Then, later on he asked me if I had plans that night. I told him I had the kiddo. he said he made my favorite drink and had some extra and didn't want it to go to waste. I told him he was welcomed to bring it over after d10 went to bed. I didn't think he would, especially since he leaves for camp today. But he did. Only, D10 didn't fall asleep right away, so I told her my friend was comin over. She wanted to say hi, so I introduced them and she went right back to bed. I told her he is a friend like my male friend she knows. So, we hung out. On my couch. We just talked, shared pictures of eachothers kids, dogs, ect. We went back to where we were. We had a pillow in between us, which eventually moved and he was holding my hand. Everything like it used to be. And yeah, we made out. He left at 5am. We didn't talk about anything that happened between us, we did discuss all that over text already. I honestly don't even know where this leaves us. I am much calmer about it this time, but it's in the back of my head what happened. He knows how I feel and where I stand. But I don't know what this means for us. We chatted a little bit today. I am kind of glad he will be away this week. I guess we can both think about this. He can make the next move.


Onto the other news in my life. My dad and stepmom are here. We went to see a house. Small world, me and the woman who owned the house worked together but didn't figure it out until the end. She worked for the home health/hospice I worked for. Anyways, the house is old, and it has had some pretty shoddy repair work done to it. My dad was like, no way I can have you live there. He told my agent that he will help me have a nicer home. well, we went home and it made think of this other one I wanted to look at that was more money. We went without the agent, he gave us the code because the house was empty. It is not in flood zone and it actually backs D10's best friend's home. It was kind of perfect for us, with some changes. the kitchen was HUGE. My dream. It needs a dishwasher and new counters, but doable. Needs new floors throughout and a paint job. And it's a 3 bedroom, but 2 are side by side and small, so I would knock the wall down that separates them and D10 would have a big room. Not much closets, and I would have to run the laundry hookups in the house, because they are in the basement which you can only get to from outside and that's not happening. With these fixes though, this house would be perfect for us. The location is so good for D10 to take the bus herself and get home. They already moved to FL, so they need to sell. We are going to ask $30k under asking probably given what needs to be done. My dad and stepmom are staying over and are going to meet the agent in the morning and see the house together. I even met the neighbor who gave some inside info.

I hope this is the one. I hope things are turning around a bit.

Any advice on how to handle this thing with band guy is welcomed. I don't want to become an idiot who ends up in the same place again, I also don't want to play games. I felt like something wasn't done with us, and I guess I was right. But part of me wonders if she just misses having company or he actually missed me. When we are together we really are awesome together. He was right about that. It's natural and really nice.
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