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Re: Wife in crisis ovrrnbw 5 hours ago
Right now you are fighting with her a lot. You'd achieve more right now by setting your focus on being an attractive man with better things to do than argue back and forth over minutia.

It took me many months to get close to this. You may be faster or slower but I promise you that you can decide to be your own motivator or your own detractor.

PMA 24/7. Attitude-thoughts-words-actions: set these in the right direction.

What are YOU going to change?
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Re: Grief and Gratitude, Grok grok 9 hours ago
W later via text,

“What is the intention with the lawyer? Do I need one of my own?”

Gratitude today for rain

The rain showers hit this morning while working from home today. “HEY S12! It’s raining! Let’s goooo!” He was looking despondent watching YouTube. He starts slow but is soon jumping for shoes and towels. “Come on sister!” “Come on D17! Let’s scooter in the rain”. Off we went into our street in the rain getting soaked. A great 15 minutes just because we could.

g
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Re: Just about done Catman19 03/17/24 10:43 PM
So an update. Although I didn't expect her to come and help clean up and prepare house, she did end up spending 6-7 hours helping me put finishing touches. There were some conversations but she's still defensive and still rewriting our marriage and telling me that I started arguments which is absurd but I don't bother arguing with her gaslighting. She still sounds confused and still puts out forced tears which I tend to no longer give any value to. I hinted that I'm not dumb and know what's going on without telling her how and immediately she asks if I'm talking to OM 3 about it, then she tells me he spoke to me which isn't the case. So basically she continues communicating with OM 3 while pursuing OM 4 lol. I think she likes keeping them all around as a form of a roster, I'm kind of glad I'm not part of this roster and I made it clear I am not lumping myself in with her lovers, BTW she still talks to OM 2 as "just a friend" (they work together). I basically read between the lines and see that this is her new lifestyle, having her male harem of dudes that she can jump from. She tried convincing me to get a place her after we sell but I reiterated I'm leaving and there will be no friendship. I honestly don't want to be associated with those other lovers and she pushes me to have that situation. The more time passes the more I realize I need as much physical and mental distance from her. My dignity comes above all now and I am not in the mood to debase myself for this woman. I honestly think that the only way she'll open her eyes is to lose me for good and for my own sake I think that is best as well. Mediation 2 hr session comes on Thursday and she finally agreed to appointment so that's a positive. One day at a time I guess is my strategy now and continued focus on my health and mental well being.
In an odd way I'm kind of glad she came only to remind me of the woman she is now and how little connection I'm having with her as the days go. It's a gentle and subtle reminder for me that I can do better than her and I'm not really losing anything. What once was is no longer there

There's a saying, once a good loving man finally gives up. You've lost him forever, I feel like I'm getting awfully close to this mindset
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Re: H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle DnJ 03/16/24 03:44 PM
Good Morning Kanga

A pipe organ. Cool!

I’m glad you popped back in. I was wondering how things were going with you.

So a couple of months, starting around Christmas and New Year’s, of living together full time. Then, the second car is fixed, and back to the previous living arrangements. H decides to put his house on the market; which would indicate his is planning on you and he living together full time.

Somewhere during this, XW comes back into the picture. Even barging into your house, without asking, like she owns the place.

A couple of clarifying questions of residence ownership. (For now I’ll refer to H’s primary residence as H’s house, and similarly for you.) Are the two houses jointly owned by you and H? Or is H’s house joint between him and XW, or just his? Is your house solely owned by you?

Just wondering how convoluted the financial situation is. It sounds like you are not on H’s house and he has a mortgage. And he is stressed relating to his financial obligations. Any mortgage on your house, or do you own it outright?

XW’s barging in. No way! I’d be putting a stop to that behaviour!

I get how she has wormed her way, or whatever, to still come and go to the old family house. With his kids all moved out, her reasons for such are gone. Still, a weird arrangement H let go on far too long.

Your house. Your rules. XW stays away. Her popping up in H’s life all the time needs to be addressed and resolved before I’d let H move in. IMHO.

Originally Posted by KangaB
I don’t initiate anything with H as much as I did, although, I think this is creeping back to old behaviours for me given his behaviour at the moment. H does most of the calling when we are apart. I try to be upbeat, dress well. I don’t get involved with SIL about our problems and stay away from FIL and StepMIL. I don’t talk about XW at all.

Good. Get back to DB. And be firmly unwavering on your boundaries.

I agree with not involving the in-laws. H’s (and XW’s) behaviour has been going on long term. There are dynamics and unhealthy enabling that has, and is, occurring methinks.

Originally Posted by KangaB
I’m scared of becoming obsessed with H’s contact with his XW again because of his recent behaviour. I do not trust her one bit and I’m believing half of what he says.

Believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does. Let H’s actions demonstrate his intentions and direction. And ensure long term consistent demonstrated behaviour before you two move in together.

Six months, or a year, of consistent behaviour. No XW interference. No weird wild suspected cake eating. H needs to earn your trust, by demonstrating his trustworthiness. By being open and honest. And if he and XW get together inappropriately, the clock resets. Rock solid consequences are needed my dear.

Originally Posted by KangaB
As I write, I just text H to say I appreciate him telling me his contact with her. I haven’t asked him about her since last year as he has been setting such amazing boundaries. H is a cake eater though and I’m wondering whether he is now cake eating with wanting to not sell his house and live over here and keep his old life which is tied up with her with his house?

Like I said, I somewhat get how/why H and XW were closer while the kids were younger and living in his house. That reason is no more, kids moved out. Their relationship should just be a coparenting relationship, and that is now more financial guidance and security net, than day to day involvement and putting food on the table.

Originally Posted by KangaB
The last 4 weeks, H has been irritable, distant and picking fights again. All the hallmarks of reconnecting with XW behind my back. As we speak, I’m just in the process of asking him if he is speaking to XW behind my back again as his behaviour changes purely for this reason. I haven’t seen H for 6 days. He picked a fight and drove home the next day from my place. I set a hefty boundary and he didn’t like it and fumed home. Funnily, he spoke with XW tonight, but tells me this is the first time in a long time. He assured me during counselling that he was going to be transparent.

Look to his actions. Not his words.

Originally Posted by KangaB
There is hope for our M because I saw it for 3 whole months and it was wonderful. Where to now? I would love some guidance from anyone who wishes to chime in again and give me some encouragement.

Yes, there is hope.

And yes, there was three months of apparent good times. Then something happened behind the scenes with H. And H reverted to irritable and looking to fight again. (Boundaries! Let H slam against them. He stay out of the house when he’s like that!)

H was good for three months. Now make it a year H, and I’ll consider us getting back together and living together. If such a thought / statement seems like H would balk, why? If he is recommitting to the marriage he should have no problem with it. After all, that would be exactly what he is supposedly after.

Be firm. Remain kind. Give H time and space. H has stuff to sort out it seems. He is still baking.

Go back to you and your life. Focus on you and playing that pipe organ.

Have a great weekend.

D
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Re: blindsided DnJ 03/15/24 04:38 PM
Good Morning aph

Originally Posted by aphexx13
i talked with my councilor on monday and we discussed how unsentimental she is. i can understand her not wanting pictures of us together but its like she wants no memory of us at all. how can you be with someone for over 5 yrs and not feel any sort of loss or sadness. i dont want to be with the person she is right now but i still love and will miss the person i fell in love with and married. if i could show how many cards and letters she wrote me over the 5 years up to 2 months before she said she was divorcing me it would be a small book of how i was her rock and how much love she had for me. how does that just disappear?

Disappear is pretty apt.

Her feelings, the love, is being buried by her. She is wilfully and unsentimentally removing things and people from her life. All in an attempt to ease whatever suffering she feels.

Disappeared, not destroyed.

However, any possible reappearance is quite a ways down the road. She has a journey ahead of her. So do you. Like we all do.

Thing is, for now, W is adamantly professing her lack of feelings and her rewriting of your shared history. You know better. Remember your history, and realize her current feelings are her current viewpoint. And you cannot control her feelings or how she views things or recalls things.

Her justifications and blames directed at you are not accurate. Certainly, there is stuff you could have done better and things you fell short on. Own them. Grow from them.

However, there is also plenty that W is crafting and outright making up to justify her choice.

Along with all that, you are looking fondly at your history, while she is looking non-favourably. Removing your rose coloured glasses will help you. For example:

Originally Posted by aphexx13
she also claimed i isolated her because of jealousy. thats not a fact i never had a problem with her hanging out with her friends. i was jealous over the amount of quality time she gave one of her male friends. she would go out to dinner with him he would pay and then they would hang out listening to music in her or his car for like 6 hrs they bonded over the same music taste.

she quit hanging out with him as much and blamed me because she didnt want to hear me complain.

Dinner and then six hours hanging out listening to music seems excessive, and a red flag truth be told.

Looking less fondly at things will allow you to see more clearly. Be cautious not to lean or twist to the other end of the spectrum either. Reality is usually somewhere in the middle.

Best of luck in your search for accommodations.

D
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Re: 2nd Time Around (Thread #2) Lb23 03/14/24 08:44 PM
I have been following your story and am grateful for your insights. It looks like you have done wonders in turning your life around.

Keep it up and keep posting. It is helpful to me as well to push myself when I have a down day. Not lose hope, keep up patience and consistency in my actions.

Any thoughts you have on my situation on occasion would be appreciated. You are much further along and have faced a number of the things that are still in the fog of uncertainty for me.
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Re: Confused and hurt but holding on CK0512 03/14/24 02:21 AM
Thanks for your reply, DnJ. I appreciate your wise words. Take care.
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Re: Maturin - My Story (3) Maturin 03/13/24 09:19 PM
Thanks for this MrP. All of your comments roll up to one central problem: I stopped DB'ing during the last few weeks. Even though I have decided to pursue D, I still intend to continue 180s (for me), GAL (for me) and detach (for me). I stopped doing those things and fell back into old and unproductive ways of interacting with W. I was focused on what W did, how it affected our family, and that there should be some kind of evening of the scales. I wasn't consciously thinking this but it's obvious now that it was guiding my thinking.

For clarity, I am using a L. I first engaged with him in Spring/Summer 2023 when I could tell something was very amiss, and have since put him on retainer and completed all ppwk necessary to file. His finger is on the trigger waiting for me to say "pull". W and I are engaging with a mediator at her request so that this individual can weigh in on how to manage the asset split and have my W stay in the house. I know our finances and I understand that we cannot come up with an equitable split that keeps one party in the house without outside money (i.e. her dad). My goal in using the mediator is to get a neutral third party to say "you cannot keep W in the house without outside money coming in, and if outside money does come in the most fair way to do this is X". My base case remains that we sell the house and split the proceeds.

Originally Posted by MrP
I fight the urge to run up to my moral high ground and lecture my W about how she's contributed to how we got here.

I struggle with this too. It's caused me to wonder where I am in the stages of grief: if I can't sit down with W without slinging mud at her over her actions, it seems to me I have some anger still. I don't want to be angry.
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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (14) Ready2Change 03/12/24 08:56 PM
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2949536#Post2949536

Originally Posted by Boat14
The truth of the matter is when a woman loses attraction for a man it rarely returns. If it does it is usually when a man is killing it in life and would have zero desire to take her back. That's the catch-22 of this entire process.

Realize right now that it is going to take a really long time to uncouple yourself with her and a really long time before you are ready to date and a really long time before you find someone that fits into your new world. There are no shortcuts. Use your time wisely. Are you in your best shape physically? Have you learned what women want in a man? Have you figured out your purpose?

I promise you if you master these things you will find what you are looking for in life. If not, you may be still here ten years later complaining about what your wife is still doing to you and your family.
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