Nothing to be confused about. I am done. I am following the portion of DB where I take care of myself. I have no desire or expectation that I will R with WW. She will be my XWW and I am fine with that. D is pending in the courts and that is what I want and that is what she has wanted all along, she just did it in a very hurtful way.
I say she is hot and cold because I really just want to get along with her as a co-parent. I am not trying to fight with her or argue or anything. But it doesnt matter what I do, she just fluctuates all over the place with her emotions. I am not complaining. I am just making a statement about how she is acting. It doesnt bother me. I just hope that she stops spinning in circles and gets ahold of her emotions so that we can be the best parents for our kids regardless of the situation.
WW is still deep in her relationship with OM. She is with him every other week for a week at a time. I am fine with that. I will be moving out very soon and I am hoping that will help STBXWW focus more on the kids and co-parenting with me.
EDIT: I guess I am still DBing to the point where I am trying to salvage some sort of cordial relationship with my XWW. I don't want to have a contentious relationship with her. I want to get a long and maybe in the future when everything calms down we can get along and be friends.
Ah, ok. So if she were to want to R tomorrow, you'd say thanks but no thanks? I'm trying to see how honest you're being with yourself. If the answer to that question is honestly "yep, that is what I'd say", then good on you. Have a day.
If you'd still jump at the chance to R with her, then you owe it to this new gal, and yourself, to end it with her. Get into IC and deal with your unresolved feelings. Those that do not earn their way out of a relationship will carry baggage into the next one.
Just my perspective. That and a $1 will get you a candy bar.
W just made a bunch of excuses to check me out while I was changing. I had just lifted, and felt super good about myself. I could see the look on her face, and while she didn't say anything outwardly, she kept coming back in to ask inane unimportant questions, "what does this notification on my phone mean?"
I know it has no bearing on our relationship, but damn did it feel good to be looked at like that.
Thats awesome. They definitely notice wnen you look good. I have dropped almost 100lbs. I look amazing. My STBXWW has never experienced me in this shape and never will. I catch her staring at me all the time. It really seems to piss her off that I am finally looking amazing. After she decided she was done with me already.
Keep it up. But remember, that your health is for you to appreciate, not for her.
Ugh she accused me again of 'behaving badly' and I did nothing. Shes 'seeing things' through the bathroom door. Or seeing me walk around naked ( which I never do) How do I defend myself from false accusations? Im not supposed to defend my self but just listen to her rant?
Its best to just stop wondering what she is doing and why. You will never figure it out. Cheeseless tunnel. Keep focusing on yourself. Don't fall for those temperature checks.
Usually when they blame you for doing things, its a reflection of their own behavior. If she is supicious of your phone usage, its because she probably hides her phone and is doing something.
WW is if she is cheating. WAW is without the cheating. If you suspect she is cheating, she is probably cheating, EA or PA.
Also, WW/WAW don't want to do the work. She is probably hoping you will file for D so she can blame you for it. I made mine file. She first used D as a threat, then I found out about PA, then she wanted D and I told her that I wouldnt stop her. Took her 8 months to finally go file.
Wow, I can't believe I am at the 7 month mark now. I also can't believe how my life has unfolded these past 7 months and where I am now. Work is going amazingly well, new and old friendships are coming together, my kids are all doing great. I was going to say "if you told me I would be at this point 7 months ago I wouldn't believe you". Truth is that is exactly what priority # 1 is on this forum and is made perfectly clear but when you are in the thick of things it is hard to imagine. The days of sadness are few and far between now, moments still pop up but they don't take over anymore. I take some time to acknowledge the feeling, run through a sort of reality check list and move on about my day. Just thought I would pop on by and hopefully provide some encouragement to those that are new here and those that are still struggling in their sitch. Don't let the crap that is coming your way get you down. With time things will get better and life goes on and likely gets better.
I hope everyone celebrating had a wonderful Easter!
Not so much for me. When I was a kid it was such a special day. This time it was such a non-event. I took D2 for a walk around the neighborhood in the early morning and, when we returned, W had a trail of eggs leading to a basket with a couple of coloring books and sticker packs. But that was just about it. My MIL had to work, FIL was sick, SIL busy, my family several hours away. Weather was decent so we took D2 to the playground but W just spent most of the day texting, I assume primarily "Potential OW2." I had a great time at the playground with D2 but otherwise it was kind of somber for me.
I should probably rename her since it seems from multiple angles that there is nothing physical or romantic going on with OW2, just a codependent friendship. A good friend of mine actually recognized her and knows her (she appears in my W's Facebook profile pic along with OW1), and says she's pretty controlling and domineering. They were friends for a while but my friend got tired of her nonsense.
Stuff like having one friend with whom she's obsessed at a time (my friend said, "Oh, your W is the flavor of the month?") and wanting to hang out with that person almost every night, and getting snippy if the friend can't until the inevitable falling out. "I need to be friends with people who aren't flaky, I need to know I can rely on you." Stuff like that. Apparently she's not the kind to accept any other commitments in her chosen BFF's life, like a 2-year-old daughter.
So the irony here is that W has invented an alternative history in which she needs independence from me because I'm controlling and jealous (I have had many failings in our MR but those are fiction), only to find herself involved in a friendship with some who is in fact controlling and jealous. W, for all her "I'm bold" stuff these days, can be a bit of a follower and apparently has found someone who wants to play leader. I don't see this ending well. W is capable of cutting friends off without a thought when they annoy her too much, and they work together. Fortunately not in the same department like OW1. Oh well.
Over the weekend, D2 was singing (loudly and off key) a song from a cartoon. W opined that it was "annoying as h***" and that "this is why I could never be a SAHM." Apparently, our wonderful D2 is OK in "small doses."
IHCLACS seems our timelines are running in parallel.
I had her movers show up today to figure out how and when to move her. Tomorrow we may sign the papers if we get our lawyers together. When I lie down my memories run back to when we first met. I remember walking into her apartment and the wall clock she had was with a greek soccer team that was also my favorite. I thought this was the sign.
If it makes you feel any better right now the reason I am not collapsing is that I have 2 old greek men (my father and her father) ready to stroke out ( with her shenanigans) and I am playing it cool (like cool hand luke) in front of everyone to control emotions run amok.
But alas I am sitting here applying ointment on a rash that just broke out on my arm.
I am trying to feed the calm wolf and starve the angry one per Mark's great story earlier.
It seems that angry wolf came out anyway and is scratching my arm metaphorically speaking....
Ginger, he used to be on State Insurance, when ex-wife started her new job it was determined that we both made too much to qualify. As far as any Obama Care type stuff that's what I had in my last job and it was grossly unaffordable. I just have to be patient. I'm going to present my financial situation to the court and show them that I can get really good insurance but I just need to have adjustments made to child support before I am able to do so. I live in New Hampshire which is a bit of a double-edged sword. Our state motto is Live Free or Die, a lot of the laws is that most states have regarding protecting the people are not in place here. We have no lemon laws for cars, one of the lowest minimum wages in the country, no seat belt law, no laws requiring health or car insurance.
I'll join the party buddy...you are not alone...very similar stories. My WW called me abusive, controlling all of that. I never ;laid a hand on her and thought my decisions and actions were to make sure our family ended up in the right place for the long term.
Listen to what is said here...work on yourself...get the old you back that made you attractive, not just to your W but to others. We all got away from that, lost who we were and got comfortable. This part [censored]..getting started but you can do it.
Take care of yourself, especially physically. I rediscovered my physique at age 48, my wardrobe changed, I felt better about myself..people noticed and I realized that I could move on alone and start over.
Oh yeah..and most importantly take care of your kids! If she wants to move out...let her go but you go nowhere. You aren't stopping her from getting a FT job.
It [censored] I know this is my Ws second PA in 10 years...wanted to kill myself but I got through it and although it took about 10 months finally let go and let go hard. It wacked her in the head and brought her back around...still a work in progress but it is a start.
We were at D, sep a few times but once the burden was put on her I realized that she was lost.
Stay in touch and post, read, research....and take care of yourself...always!
Thx for the reply. The affair ended Feb 2 and only lasted 2 months. She started the behaviours 3 years ago. She has been very distant, depressed and withdrawn the last 2 months. But she has good days, like today she is treating me normal. Sunday she said 5 words to me. Yesterday she was an emotional wreck, snapping at the kids. Roller coaster
Had asked wife to talk about our Ds staying arrangements and her routine during stay at each place (my wife is moving out on Wednesday i.e tomorrow).
She asked if we could meet at a restaurant near our house during lunch hours, to which I agreed. (not sure why she chose to meet outside, even though she has no job these days and was home only, and the restaurant is 5 minutes away from our house)
So we talked about the days she will spend at each place and here is the arrangement:
Sun-Tuesday Morning - D is with me Tue - Friday morning - D will be with my wife Friday - Saturday morning - D will be with me Saturday Morning - Sunday Morning - With wife
We talked about her eating routine and other stuff to keep it same in both houses.
Also, for finance, we agreed that on 1st of each month, I will deposit in her account my share of the daycare+education saving expense for our D. She gave me the cards that she had from our joint accounts. We file taxes jointly and this year we owed money because her withheld taxes were very less and she asked me to tell her how much she owes and she will pay me that.
Also, I asked her to make sure that she leaves by tomorrow unless there are logistic issues because I couldn't live in an open marriage (Although the delay would have been a day or two, this was just to emphasize that she was not leaving on her terms but I wanted her to leave as well. I know it was not the best thing to do, but I wanted peace and send a message that its not just her that wants to leave, but I have no interest if she is going to be with another man). Her face was blank as she did not expect it. May resent me but I was so upset in my heart about my D suffering that i had to say it. Don't know what the repercussions will be.
Would like to have your feedback please and how to conduct myself in coming days.
Also, when she is leaving tomorrow, should I say something or not? If yes, then what should I say?
P.S - Her parents called me yesterday and told me that her mother will be arriving on 26th and they haven't told her. What should I do? Should I tell her or not?
Not sure what happened. but I do not like your schedule. It is too much switching for your D. And there will be Friday nights you need to do something and Saturday night she will. How about this:
Sun-Tuesday Morning - D is with me Tue - Friday morning - D will be with my wife Friday - Sunday Morning - With wife one week, me the next, alternating.
I think that is much better arrangement. Not sure why you guys would try to split the weekend like that.
P.S - Her parents called me yesterday and told me that her mother will be arriving on 26th and they haven't told her. What should I do? Should I tell her or not?
Call her parents and tell them they need to contact her with their plans.
The advice you've received is sound. Keep your cards close to your chest. Be polite and even charming but don't get into R conversations with her. "I am doing really well. How have you been?". "I don't know how H is feeling. How have you been?" and a favorite of mine "Good days and bad days but the good days are out numbering the bad. How have you been?" (just enough vulnerability to be human, not too much that I sound distraught).
This stuff is hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Some days I don't think I have the strength to do it. Some days I fail miserably. But I do it anyway. Laughter helps. And the odd bit of venting .
It does get easier. I promise. The ebbs and flows become just that, ebbs and flows. One day soon you will realise that although your H may not be in your life as a H, he is not your life.
My L is drawing up the response to the W's petition for divorce. Should be filed within about a week.
I believe W still wants to mediate but she has not responded to my last text about choosing a mediator - I found one who is much cheaper than the one she suggested and with good reviews.
I gave W a written list of custody terms and am waiting for a response.
I proposed a home value to W to base the buy-out on. Her cousin (lives out of town) is a realtor and I think she gave W an idea about what the property is worth and I'm guessing W doesn't like the number (too high). I know W spoke with her a week ago to talk numbers but W has not told me anything. If her cousin gave her a low number, W would have run to me with it and said "see, I told you!" So now she is wondering what to do.
I think she is afraid of an appraisal now as houses have been hitting all time highs in my town as there just isn't much selection and its a great area. I spoke to a buddy of mine across the country who is an appraiser and who has been to the house a few years ago and he gave me an informal number that is almost identical to my number and the number that a real estate agent gave me. I'm concerned about putting all my eggs in one appraiser's basket so my number is based on a realtor, an informal appraisal, average sales prices over the last 6 months and current list prices. So a lot of data all averaged together.
I did find a condo that came up for rent that is about 10 minutes away from my house, and I put down a deposit. It is not available until summer but inventory is very low in my town and I just jumped on it. I want to get to a written settlement with W before I move out but even if I don't I think I will still move. I know the recommendation on not moving out until a deal is in place but man am I ready. I don't see how it will hurt me as I am not keeping the house, won't be paying a dime into the house and I am getting 50/50 custody for sure as the law is rock solid in my state. Need to talk more with my L about the move but would appreciate any input from the vets and the board, thanks.
GAL is going good but again this was never an issue. I am currently planning summer and fall travels, a few trips with the kids and a few for me with some friends. Part of my ramped up GAL is to start hitting some places I have wanted to see but haven't been there yet, bucket list type stuff, starting with mostly domestic locations. Can't wait.
It seems like a lifetime since I have had a R talk with W and I have never pursued, begged or pleaded other than the evening of BD where I said we should get into counseling, but W said too little too late. I can tell you it feels so good to have taken that path and the no R talks lately has also been great. We have a joint business, raising the kids, and its all business for me with minimal small talk and just basic pleasantries - "hi, how are you?", "well, goodnight" type stuff.
W has made a few comments such as "I know you don't like me very much, but can you do X" I didn't have a great response to first part, so I just say "sure" to the second part. Any ideas on how to deal with the first part? When in doubt I just ignore that kind of stuff, and i'm happy to keep going with that strategy. I'm not looking to get into that discussion right now, unless I am missing the boat on something, do tell vets, thanks.
Overall a sad sitch to be in a D but I am pretty upbeat and ready for the transition. I know this is a marathon situation and the dynamic will change radically when I'm out of the house, and I look forward to that. I will NEVER pursue W, it doesn't even cross my mind to be honest. There may be a time down the road when an R talk happens but it is also something I really don't think about. I just want to get my $$ out of the house, lock down a custody agreement, set up a new home, gets the kids settled and move on, turn the page and enjoy what the future will bring.
I donít think because you had sex one time you are close to being out of the woods yet. If you want this to work you should be careful not to get complacent and fall into old habits.
Like AS there are 100s of ways to have sex and avoid pregnancy. Not to mention several birth control options.
Be careful especially on this board about complaining about single parenting for a couple of days. If you are complaining about it to her you will come off as needy and clingy. You should encourage her to travel on her own as she did with you.
If we learned anything on this board it is a great marriage is hard work.
Thanks guys, that's why I reach out for the inspiration. I feel like once I made it to rope drop and was prepared to move on and was content, there was almost relief that I had worked to get to that point and proved to myself that I had finally done it.
Now it is hard to work back to the point where I want to grab that rope again.
And like you Steve I am approaching my BD date 5/10 and am feeling some flashback feelings. Doing my best to stay strong and remain a confident husband.
As much as I love my job, I'm about to start counting down the days to the end of the semester. It has been a long one and the end is (FINALLY) in sight. We are 13 days out from graduation, not counting today, since it is half over. This week, I have an induction ceremony for the new members of the honor society I'm an advisor to and a reception for the graduating seniors from the department that I work in. I have my last lab of the semester tomorrow and I gave the kids their assignment last week in class. They are supposed to submit part of it to me by e-mail by 4:00 today then turn in the rest tomorrow along with do a presentation for the class. As of 12:40 (right now), I have received roughly 1/3 of the students' work. So, the other 2/3 will either submit it late or not at all or may squeak it in between now and 4:00, though I would bet the other 2 afore-mentioned options are far more likely. The final grade is worth 200 points. They get 50 points for what they are supposed to send me by 4:00 today so the best they can do on the project is 150/200 if I don't get their e-mail by 4:00. That's a C. I explained this IN DETAIL last week and reminded them again yesterday by e-mail. They get 50 points for the presentation, which they will all do, if they come to class. I wouldn't be surprised if someone skips. The remaining 100 points is the actual written part of the project, a report on ecology. I'm trying to have faith, but I'm obviously struggling a bit with that. LOL
Nothing new to report on the relationship front, as things are just clicking right along with Sparky. We are attending a family reunion this weekend for Sparky to meet aunts, uncles, cousins and I'm looking forward to that. In addition, we are going to see Avengers: End Game Sunday and I can't wait for that. It is going to be awesome! Along with the countdown to graduation, I'm also counting down to our little weekend get-away to NWA in mid-May. I'm SO looking forward to that and just so ready to be away from everything and everyone for a few days. It will be amazing.
"Open relationships"? Not so much. To me, they almost always involve one person who wants to be unfaithful and another who is so desperate to keep that person that they're willing to go along even though it's not what they want.
Now that's different from being "friends with benefits" or just dating around.
I once dated a guy who was very up front with me about the fact that he didn't "do" relationships. (He was a Love Avoidant - look it up). I always respected the fact that he told me up front and therefore I never expected more from him than he was willing to offer. We always had a lovely time when I would visit him. We had a lot in common intellectually and the (safe) sex was great. But I also understood that he saw other women and he wasn't ever going to be my "boyfriend" in a traditional sense. That was fine with me at the time as I was between boyfriends, and once I started dating a new boyfriend we just became friends (without benefits). Several years later when that relationship was over I dated my Love Avoidant friend again for a while - he was glad to see me and I was glad to have a no-pressure healing place.
I'm in another relationship now but frankly, if this one ends (or if he dies- he has stage 3 lung cancer) I could see myself becoming more like my Love Avoidant friend. I enjoy the company of men but at this stage in my life I don't really need to live with someone.
Practically speaking, I will be solely responsible for the least and everything from the time W moves out. Ugh.
At least I got to snuggle YS back to sleep this morningóW handed him to me soon after I showered / got dressed. Trying to cherish every minute I can with him, every baby snuggle I can get from him.
Softball starts on May 4th (got pushed back two weeks, because of Holy Week, as well as field rentals).
OSí school has a fundraiser on May 11th for ďDadís Day OutĒóitís a poker tournament / outing with parents and families from the school. I bought a ticket, since W will have the boys for Motherís Day weekend. Good for GAL, get out of the place.
Not sure how good of a poker player I am; but Iíve been good about keeping things close to the vest from W, as well as pretty much calling all of her bluffs at just about every point so far.
Thanks so much. My wife did tell me that I did nothing wrong. She just has this fantasy of living a life detached from marriage to see what is out there. Currently she is acting extremely depressed. Yes she went to the doctor and she wonít talk to me about it. I will post in the mlc section.