I'm thankful for this forum. Not only for the advice, support, and friendship, but it also gives me a reason to organize my thoughts and work out the issues of the day.
Anxiety is running rampant, yet again.
I canít stop the freight train carrying H to a train wreck. I donít have the power. I know it. I donít think he has the power either. Heís weak. Depressed. Frozen in a miserable, lonely existence. Yes lonely even with OW Iíd venture to guess. Heís on that train and doesnít know how to get off.
There was a time this morning at work that I realized I didnít think about H for a few hours. I prayed right then and there a prayer of thanks for that reprieve. Any moment he (they) are not on my mind is a blessing.
Yet I'm anxious.
How can I be so good just a few short weeks ago. And I feel so incredibly anxious now? Even after the burden that was lifted by finally letting H know his choices are not o.k. Getting it out in the open. I felt great after that, for a short while.
My lack of control over the situation takes my destiny out of my hands.
I fear the unknown. I fear dealing with the fallout, hurt and disappointment of my kids when they learn their dad has chosen a life with a girlfriend while married to their mom. D19 is already fragile.
I fear the daunting task of potentially (likely?) separating our lives completely and forever.
But, my destiny is in MY hands, isnít it? I donít need to ride that train to a wreck and fear the unknown. I need to get off, and take matters in my own hands.
Stop snooping. Ė I fell off the wagon and this caused my anxiety to rear its ugly head today. Phone records show a call from a mortgage broker. Doesnít H know that he canít buy a place without my knowledge? Doesnít he know that it will be 50% mine if he uses our money, including all the furnishings? Heís a smart man. How can he be so stupid? Maybe heís not buying a place at all. Unlikely. The evidence is piling up. Iíll know by Labor Day for sure.
Iím really beginning to hate the waiting. Donít wait, move forward! Ugh!
Make GAL plans Ė Have plans Friday night with a girlfriend to catch up. Next Friday and Saturday are also booked. Iíll spend tons of time with D19. Itís her birthday next week. Iíve got less than a month before she goes back to school.
Meet with my attorney Ė I reached out to her to discuss contingencies if H buys a place, and to discuss my finances and a potential separation agreement (not legally, as itís not allowed in my state). I'm looking forward to meeting with her.
Call a friend Ė messaged her. And she is a blessing.
Love on my kids Ė always and every day
Maybe itís time for a wee glass of wine, put my feet up, and watch T.V.
She last texted me at 2:30, "Strange day.." She's supposed to begin heading to my place in 15 minutes, arriving in 75 minutes. Within 45 minutes I want to hear "On my way!" or a clear cancellation. If she cancels, I go to Yoga. If no word, I go to Yoga and will not be setting aside my time for another date this week.
I'm out of the threat and ultimatum business, but I have boundaries.
I finished work early and spent an hour playing Minecraft then watching TV with my kids.
Hmm?.. Unichen counciling has to be able to work for you too I would take it. What are you're needs and do you think MC and W can and ate willing to meet them in MC session? How is this benefiting you. Something I became self aware of over the last few days. Every time I have a moment of weakness to want to return to the M. I tell myself now to push through it. Realize the past and the person from it is not the present. I tell myself to push through it. Focus on what I want for myself in my life outside of R and carry forward. In that moment if weakness is strength if you are willing to push through it, and take it. Regardless if who divorces who in my sich. I know I will be ok.
I am doing very well all things considered B...thanks. I think my next thread will be in the Surviving the Big D section as my divorce should be final by the end of the summer so will be joining you soon. Please donít get too discouraged with OLD... lots of dire predictions in your response to Don that I doubt will come true. You have lots to offer and there are many great women out there who would love to have you for a partner. Just be patient and try not to rush into things too quickly when you think you may have found her. You have lots of time. I, too, have been married twice and am highly sceptical that I will go down that road a third time. But... I will never say never. The universe is full of surprises. Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) and positive healing energy. xo
crd - Good on you for analyzing how you could have approached it differently. We all make mistakes, mistakes are learning opportunities.
Can you please add a signature to your posts? I can't remember if D is filed, or if you are just separating for now.
It is entirely reasonable to want to document the financial, property and custody approach prior to actually separating. Bring it up next time in mediation. Also think about what level of documentation you require, and how much you trust your W to hold to the agreement. Your W may have a different idea of what "documenting our approach" actually means.
The past few weeks I have replied very briefly or not at all. But yes youíre right LH, I gotta keep it that way. Will be focusing on that next. Thanks man.
On another note, feeling good lately! Everythingís going really well for me besides my sitch. I have a day here or there where I think about W and have feelings of anger. But the majority of the days I just focus on myself, son, new friends and new hobbies. Life goes on haha.
You are truly going through more than you deserve for sure, but you are strong, and will get through. One day, heck one minute, at a time. The man you met. No coincidence. Listen to what he said. "You are a warrior, you aren't victim." Put on the armor of God, and you will get through this.
I agree with Job. I would recommend you do not provide any answers to inquiries from brokers other than to say it's not on the market at this time. That's really all you need to say. Otherwise you are just adding fuel to the fire.
Your son is hurting, confused, probably angry. I think it's wonderful he trusts you so much to open up to you like he does. Keep the lines of communication open. Society in general is making our kids so confused about their sexuality. Anything goes. This whole generation is confused. Keep up the lines of communication, and the two of you will navigate this together. Perhaps exploring positive outlets to help him deal with his anxiety would help (exercise, etc.). Have you explored counseling with him? If you are near a university, often you can find counseling services that don't cost very much.
We are all here for you, and God is walking by your side. Reach out and hold His hand. Feel His strength. His love.
Actually Iím kinda shocked my w is not physically attracted to me. If she is, man she is good at hiding it.
I believe you are still somehow in beta behavior around W. It is about your behavior, not your looks. How you respond and interact with her. You are letting fear control you. She senses this. Or you are pursuing her indirectly. Or a combo.
Have you read "the art of seduction" yet? How about "the four agreements"?
One piece of advice - start looking for work NOW. I know you've been a SAH spouse and it's wonderful that you've been able to do that but you cannot count on your H right now. The sooner you make plans for being self-supporting the better. Even if it's just going to night school while he's gone to work on a degree, or finding a job in a preschool where you would work and see your daughter at the same time - whatever. But don't wait 6 months until he gets home to find out you are financially in a bind. It's a very vulnerable place to be financially dependent on an unreliable spouse.
Also - stash some cash if you can. Again, spouses in crisis can sometimes be very irresponsible about their financial obligations, you need to try to squirrel away enough cash to pay for an attorney if needed, or to pay for groceries and bills for a month or so if you end up having to sue for support.
Sandi - I love the hill metaphor - it helps sort out what is important and what is not (to me). Identify the hills you would die on, everything else is a pointless skirmish. Sometimes we fight the pointless battles, and we win, and we look around from the top of the hill and think.. "I'm still sitting here alone on top of this hill, what was the point of that?! I want to be on top of that hill over there..."
Here in the U.S. most mortgages don't have an early payment penalty, but there are fees involved with the refinancing. If the fees are low enough to be offset by the lower interest rate it can be worthwhile. In my case, I bought 8 years ago at the bottom of the market on a 30 year fixed at a nice low interest rate. Up until now it has never made sense to refi - and still may not. BUT because of extra payments I only have 18 years left to pay and could probably refi at current interest rates into a lower interest rate 15 year mortgage for more or less the same monthly payment, which would save me 3 years of mortgage payments.
Thanks JoeJoe, you are right, the man cannot rescue her from the pain. He can be there and give her encouragement to press on, and she may need a doctor to assist, but ultimately she is the one that has to do the hard part.
And, just like when women go into labor to birth a baby, not every woman takes the same amount of time. Some women have a much harder time with the delivery than other women.
Yes, perhaps I could have kept it shorter but thinking this could very well be our final conversation I wanted to be sure I said everything I wanted to say. But in hindsight, some things could have been kept out of it and Iīll try to remember should there be further conversations.
I think W is unsure if I mean business or not since I was quite friendly when she came home yesterday from work and we watched one of her favorite shows. Her mood was better when she saw I was being friendly. I had to be home since this week I have our dog but next week Iīm flying to Montreal for a week while she travels to her home town to be with her family.
Today I messaged her to remind her that she needs to pack her things before we both travel if she wants to move out. I say that because I canīt legally force her to leave, it has to be her choice. I also reminded her about the divorce papers and that she needs to read them and get back to me. I also explained that she has the right to refuse to sign them but that she needs to let me know either way. I will send them in without her signature if she hasnīt signed when Iīm home from Montreal.
GAL is going well lately. Iīve started going to cryotherapy 3 times a week and Iīve become friends with the owner and another guy who goes there as often as I. He runs a company that produces films and commercials for brands so we agreed to have a meeting on Friday and learn more about each others business.
She should be back home from work in about an hour so Iīm going to the gym when she arrives for my second work out today.
This situaton is very unfortunate of course but this forum has helped me in many ways. Iīll be ok in the end.