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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
For Newcomers
7 hours ago
More thoughts - working on myself / self-reflection, and "using the gift of time" (what a great quote!)

(Sorry in advance for the long post. I understand if its TLDR but I need to vent)

My past is something I thought I had dealt with, I thought I had resolved so many issues that had been plaguing me from years ago, decades ago, my upbringing, developmental years etc.

During my first IC session, C had me give her a brief history of my life in order to familiarize herself with my life up to date. It took the whole session and I hadn't even dug into it. At the end of the session she said it was remarkable that I've pulled myself up enough to survive some of the things I went through. She also was kind enough to offer me a nearly half off discount due to my financial sit and bc she told me I needed to be in IC.

M and F married after 2 months of knowing each other. M was only child, had been raised in an interfamily adoption environment, with much infighting and MR history rewriting by bitter family members. Her family had members who suffered from BPD and depression, M also suffered from abandonment issues which she projected onto us kids from an early age. F was also only child, Fs father was war vet who had buried PTSD, Fs mother had emergency hysterectomy after F was born to save life. Both had wanted more kids, as a result - put all their energy into F and his narcissistic character developed from there.

M and F had 3 kids. F has told me recently he knew marrying M was a mistake but his parents made him stay. M was hospitalized for depression and put on meds when bro was 2 yrs old and we were sent to stay with grandparents for 2 months while M "got better". M did get better on meds, came home, stopped taking meds because she said she was better and didnt need them anymore.

Me age 8 - F takes job in another area far away, moves there 6 months ahead of M and sends for family later. During this time F starts at least one PA. M is alone with us 2 young kids and unaware. M and kids move to newly built house. Grandparents move to newly built house right next door. F is away a lot on business, starts getting successful.

3 yrs pass. M wants another kid to save MR. F doesnt want. M tricks F and has kid - F threatens her with D. M does it anyway.

Within 6 months, Fs company goes belly up, loses job, M contracts STD that nearly kills her from F, F denies A, M discovers A was her best friend, F moves out of house - right next door. M's BPD episodes start compounded by F leaving, yelling, screaming, crying. Bank takes the house, the cars, everything. M's job wont cover house so we move to rent house in poor crime infested neighborhood.

L battles start. We kids are taken into and out of courtrooms where we see M and F saying all kinds of nasty things about each other and using kids as weapons. Judge orders kids to go to IC - M stops this after 2 sessions saying she cant afford.it. F moves in with OW who also has BPD and at least 4 previous MRs.

M meets man same yr. Man has just been D'd lost everything - business, house, etc to his EXW. Within 6 months both F and M's new man declare bankruptcy.

I turn 13. Start working because there is no $.


Think I'm gonna divide this into parts - this is more stressful writing than I thought it would be
15 279 Read More
For Newcomers
7 hours ago
Journaling,

Yesterday was quite the ordeal as my boss changed my timesheet after she had signed it because VP decided to pay me at a lower rate. We had had a meeting about it on Thursday, and they did not honor it, so I will not be going back. (I'm a consultant, so I have this luxury). I was supposed to work at least until the end of the year and they made some offers of future permanent employment, but nothing in writing.

Instead of getting emotional about it, I was completely cool and was smiling on the way out. I was clear, direct and firm and even responded to the boss when she said I was being petty, "I'm not in to the personal attacks. You changed my timesheet after you signed it. I'm not ok with that. I will not be consulting for you any more."

Had I not been DBing, this would NOT have gone down like that! So thankful for detachment etc. I would have taken this so personally 2 years ago!! I would have felt worthless and less-than and have been face down in fudge under the bed for three days!! AND I would have continued to drag myself down there and act as if I deserved it.

Now? I woke up and yelled "hallelujah!" because I don't have to drive for 2 hours each way on monday!!

I don't know what I'm going to do now for a job, but H is still taking care of everything, so I'm going to do my best to find something closer to home. Might not make as much, but I will be ok. The greatest thing? I KNOW that I will be ok.

I didn't want any of this, but I am growing. I am so thankful for that. Listened to a sermon on the drive down "make the best of the mess".

My next thread will be titled that.

Thankful for the other standers here and for your encouragement and especially the laughs. I'm going to treat myself this weekend by buying myself some stupid expensive lipstick! ; )

H gone. Day 3. He has texted quite a bit. Encouragement for my meeting, checking in to see how I'm doing. I talk to him like an accountant. (Thanks, again for that!!)

Hope you are all doing well and making the best of your messes!!
106 2,397 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Alison,

I love your GAL activities!! I took myself to see "Secret life of pets II" and laughed my head off!! I deliberately sought out a comedy with no love traps! Don't need to be triggered in a movie theatre lol

Just commented on Dilly's thread re: Blu's 2x4. I definitely needed to read that (and have read it countless times since).

Hope your talk goes well and that you feel strong and confident and sure!! Garden and work are good for you right now, I'm jealous of the friends you have nearby to help! Focus on the people who love you.
26 304 Read More
Midlife Crisis
8 hours ago
Hi Gerda!

I struggled with terrible anger for a long time and then felt guilt/shame when I acted out in anger. Well-meaning people from my church had me convinced that my anger was the sin.
But the truth is "IN your anger, do not sin" Anger is an emotion we were created with. Our creator has been angry. The emotion itself certainly isn't sinful. It's an emotion!! It's what we do with it.

Sometimes getting angry causes us to respond in appropriate ways to something that is unacceptable. Don't fear anger, just allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling and CHOOSE your response. There is freedom in that. I don't want to come across as preachy, but I spent a long time judging myself for my emotions, and scared of being angry. I realized I'm not the hulk, I can control myself and this process has provided peace in my life.

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Surviving the Big D
8 hours ago
I am curious as to why S24 put the cart before the horse and bout the car before he got his license? And I would say without a job that the car is in his mothers name. Sheís taking a big risk financing a car for someone who doesnít have income.

Iím going to take a stab at this here. I think S24 had an outburst because This woman who just moved in is asking ( which is pressure) when heís getting a job and moving out. Needs to be said, yes, but not by her. I probably wouldnít take too kindly to a woman my dad just started dating and moved in asking me about that stuff. My dad should be doing that. Hey, Iím on the team if he needs a job and needs to become independent, but that would never be for me to say to him, right? The people that comes from should be the ones finding him to live as he is. Iím sure she has good intentions of wanting to see him succeed and grow up, but the source isnít going to let him view it that way.
19 588 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
CW

Definitely DON'T send the letter!! Will not end well for anyone!!

Glad that no one else has threatened to club you, but I would be wiling to bet that friends in your circle notice what we notice here.

Sure, she might just be looking for a FWB, non-serious type of relationship (doesn't make her a bad person, just in a different place than you are) but from what you have written, that's not what you want from her.

Hope you are taking this time to figure out what you want, and then are able to really hear her when she says what it is she is willing to offer. Only she knows what she has been through and is willing/able to do right now, and you must honor that. Again, sounds like she's been clear, and then tried to be with you on your terms, and then realized that she couldn't. Both of you need to be honest. Sounds like she is (albeit rather harshly), and you want more than she is wiling to give.

You have time to figure out why you are pursuing a gal who has said as much, but want to hold on. This is my view from the cheap seats, so take it for what it's worth to you.
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For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Hi Dilly!

I love your tornado analogy. Keep that!!! He is a whirlwind right not and you can observe, but don't engage. (I liken my H as being in a pig-pen and I don't want to join him, whatever works).

Blu left a 2x4 on Alison's post several days ago, and since then I have been reading it and re-reading it! Also Sandi's rules every day. That has helped me with detachment. Hope you got a chance to read it!!

Happy that your GAL activities are bringing you joy!
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Surviving the Big D
8 hours ago
Thanks job / Westo.

Yes - I think it's safe to say that I'll need to step up and get S24 out driving. I expect that he'll drive tomorrow morning when we go out for Father's Day. He has no specific plans but does have a plan to have a plan smile

Had a couple of interesting chats at the car dealer on Friday while I was waiting for my car to be serviced. My salesman who S24 and his mother dealt with said that she seemed nervous and even said that she was uncertain if he would do business with her as he and I were friends which he brushed off. The finance person (whose mother and mine were best of friends) said that my son was the spitting image of me at the same age. Engaged, personable and even sounded like me. She said that my ex was perky and cheerful - although she perhaps doesn't recall the relationship.

It does seem that some rules got stretched in getting S24 the financing as he is unemployed. Since I'm not the cosigner I'm not too worried about that.

The finance lady was happy to know that B has moved in and joked that her chances with me are shot now. In social media she shows as being with one of the mechanics from the shop but in chatting it was all about her challenges as a single mom of late teens.

One thing that did surprise me a bit was that OM was nowhere around although the salesman said he was mentioned once - presumably with the logistics of getting the car home as S24 requires a co-pilot.

Originally Posted by Westo
Just a thought about S24ís Ďrantí,

It could have emanated from a throw away remark from his mum. She may have said to him words along the lines of,

ďOh, now B has moved in, they want you outĒ. These words may have sat in his head for days making him stew a bit.

Just my tuppence worth.
I think that I could give you a pound's worth of change on that tuppence Westo. None of us can actually know what is going on in his head nor his mother's.

B - in the brash outspoken way that she has - which she gets away with in part because she's not family - does ask S24 about his job hunting etc and where he might want to move to. She's also offered to help get him to interviews etc and I do expect that she'll offer to help him practice driving as she gets off work around the same time as his mother does in the early afternoon.

My ex was and presumably still is a very possessive and controlling woman. The general consensus is that she's pretty upset about things, but then again none of us can know. She cashed her monthly payment without comment as usual this morning so no changes there. Personally, if any of this makes her step up and take a more active role in her son's life and to encourage him to become independent and start living life more fully, I'm all in favour of it. I'd actually been waffling again about asking her to help when she did it on her own. Having S24 on his own two feet and established before winter is a good thing.

Well - off for my shower and errands. B has been out at the cottage with S39 and 5 of the grandkids and I need to pop out there this afternoon and be seen. And to also get a very missed hug and kiss.

Steak is planned for my solo dinner tonight and meatloaf for Sunday Supper. Let me know if you'll be by and I'll set out another plate and glass.
19 588 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Just some journaling today.

Not sure if I mentioned it before, but WAW is in Virginia on a bachelorette party for her cousin. That must be a bit weird, celebrating someone else's upcoming wedding while hers/ours is on the ropes. She sent me a text Thursday that she got in safely, but nothing last night. This is one of the harder areas - almost constant contact for seven years, and now entire days with none. Last Saturday was probably the first day in seven years in which we didn't talk at all. It's probably negative behavior to pay attention to these things, but it's meaningful to me right now that she's still initiating contact. I will admit in the safe space of this forum that when my phone buzzes, I am hopeful it is from her. Again, I know that's not helpful for me right now but there's no value in being dishonest about it. It is what it is.

Given the weekend to myself, I drew up a plan of what I wanted to accomplish. Go out and get some new jeans to accommodate the weight I've lost from working out, put a lot of old memorabilia of our R into a box so I don't have to see it anymore, hit the gym twice, do a 180 on some leadership-related behaviors (work out a fixed budget during the S, get my/our various financial affairs in order and in a central location, etc.), and see friends. I'm also going to start making a long-term plan for a potential R - not in the NGS way of "if I do this, she'll do that", but more written reminders to myself about GAL, validating, not initiating, and so on.

Still very much on the fence about MC. IC will continue for both of us. I've read enough on here that what works is often counter-intuitive, and that while MC will be a fixed opportunity for us to meet, work together, and re-form as a team, I also recognize that it might not be giving her the space that she needs and ultimately end up adding pressure. Maybe the right strategy here is to go to our next session, see how it goes, and then decide.

Also on the fence about wearing my ring. She hasn't since the BD, and I have to say that's one of more hurtful things about all of this, noticing that. I feel sheepish wearing mine when she doesn't, but I also feel like we're still married, so it's an external signal to everyone about my intentions. I haven't worn mine the past few days and it's very felt strange.

Been thinking a lot about perspective, and how to maintain it. One thing that my friends are very good about is pointing out things that are true in a vacuum: I'm young (37), I have a lot of physically attractive qualities (6'5", in good shape), and have had lots of professional success: started a company, sold that company, now C-suite at a 1000-person company. These things are objectively true, and I know they are right that in the worst-case scenario, there are plenty of fishes in the sea, particularly here in NYC. That's obviously not what I want, but it's good to have that baseline. I need to remind myself of that.

The other aspect of perspective I'm trying to keep is that I have a good friend of mine, actually an ex-hookup from my college days, who is now a single mother and suffering from Stage 2 cancer. It's awful and she's such a fighter. I check in with her every few weeks just to see how she is doing, and one of the things she told me when we talked last is that at the end of the day, your health is what matters. Worrying about the things that are small in comparison to your health will seem so minor when you're up against something like she is.

Anyway, step by step, one day at a time, moving forward.

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For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Originally Posted by unchien
SteveS - I caution you to avoid targeting specific outcomes. That is classic NGS behavior - doing something in the hopes of achieving a certain outcome from another person.

That being said, if I was in your shoes (and I kind of am if you read my sitch), I would want to reach a point where I was calm and collected and confident in saying: "I am filing for D, because whether we R (my hope) or D, I will be a happier healthier version of myself." Yes, filing is alpha behavior and may be best for your sitch... you are the expert on your sitch, tailor advice as needed.

I guess the other reason would be that you feel this is your only remaining shot at R, in which the separation is a waste of your time and emotional energy. Again, you are the expert on your sitch... and honestly even in that case I don't think anyone can know whether R is possible.


Thanks for the thoughts. I don't think I'm in the place yet to make any definitive decisions - BD was only three weeks ago and we're not separated yet - but I'm certainly giving everything a whole lot of thought right now.

NGS is something I definitely need to work on.
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Surviving the Big D
9 hours ago
Hey girl, thinking of you, hope you're hanging in there.
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Surviving the Big D
9 hours ago
First of all, donít say your not hot stuff cause my male friends would be all over you to get a date - but i think women that date pregnant womenís husbands just naturally exude an ugliness that corrupts their physical appearance. Itís sensed because beauty somehow manifests from within. People probably sense that about her when they make those comments. Sheís an ugly person inside.
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Surviving the Big D
10 hours ago
We hit a rough patch this week. Heís had a really bad week in baby mama drama land. He picked a little bit of a fight with me, has been kind of distant and snippy.

We went out last night and before we did he told me how much he was looking forward to it. We hadnít been alone in 2 weeks. It felt like it used to when we used to get super excited to see each other . He got here and gave me a huge kiss . He told me about what transpired today at his sonís school orientation. I read emails he explained it to me and it really makes me cry what he deals with . After he vented he just sat with me on the couch and hugged me so hard. It was beautiful weather so we decided to dine al fresco where we had our first date. He really relaxed and we had, joked, laughed, like it always was with us. We came back to my place and you know, ( been a while for that too). We were cuddling and he said he was sorry for the way has been lately and it has been so hard and he knows he doesnít tell me often, but it means the world for him the way i am there for him and that he loves me very much.

The other day he invited me to spend Fatherís Day with him and his son. And I knew that said a lot right there. Unfortunately, I am working this weekend and I canít . I did decide to get him a card with a gift. I got them 2 passes to this mini waterpark/amusement park. I told him to wait to open it when heís with his son even though I wonít be there. I am sure his mom takes the kid to get something for him, but his ex would never. He takes his son to get a card for mom, but she wouldnít do the same. So I hope he enjoys it.
He did tell me how much he liked my dad. Then I know itís awful, but he finally had to say something about my exís wife. She is NOT an attractive woman my any stretch of the imagination. Not that Iím hot stuff, but often people look at her and then at me, and go ďWTFĒ I just say I must have a really bad personality.

Oh, and one more thing. The ex and his wife came to pick up D yesterday. I helped her to the car. I was looking nice because I met a friend for lunch and was going out M . The ex gives me the ďlookĒ and asked if I was going out for a night on the town. He then noticed my hair (itís getting blonde and I actually wore it curly, which he always liked) and he told me my hair looked good in front of his wife. Then he noticed my necklace M got me for my birthday. He said it was really cool and asked me where I got it and I told him where. I think heís got an ounce of jealousy in him. Itís 11 years, but heís not used to me dating someone exclusively for so long. Your loss buddy.
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Surviving the Big D
11 hours ago
congrats to son on his graduation and to you for as well xoxo
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Surviving the Big D
11 hours ago
Nice! Whenís the next date? Very interesting!

In my one foray into online dating... about a year ago, I was talking to someone and we had made plans to get together. She bailed but we kept chatting a bit so I tried again. Then she let me know she had met someone and it was going really well. She didnít feel comfortable dating multiple guys at the same time. I actually greatly appreciated that she let me know and they are still together a year later.
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Surviving the Big D
11 hours ago
Hi guys! Thanks for the responses.

I do like this guy and want to date him. We have been texting and talking and that feels good that he wants that time. He is making and willing to make time to meet (hard cause we both have kids and I really like that. We both agree kids come first but he expressed relationships and time spent are important to him.

There is another guy I was talking to that I donít want to ghost and I didnít even go on the site to respond to messages from him, so I want to tell him Iím donít want to pursue. Itís too many people for me and I canít multindate. I prefer getting to know someone one at a time even though i know itís not advised. I havenít dated anyone and I worry I wil kick myself in the future if things go badly and say, why didnít I give other guys a chance? This is the 2nd time I go for the first person I meet on lines. But i do selectively respond back to men.

pinn - I think maybe people have many sides to be opposite of? Lol

J. - he did go in for the kiss. A couple of times during the date. Basically told me in an enthusiastic, playful way ďI just want to kiss you so badlyĒ I never do that. But we had established connection with the texts and he genuninely seemed so into me that I felt like i wanted to.

Maika - He Made me feel good because he was really open about how excited he was to meet me. No games (unless heís a really really really good player) he took control by telling me what he wanted (me to respond to his message us to meet up, us to talk) but asking me if I was ok with that. It was very sexy cause it showed that he was confident and in control but respectful. He frequently commented on how much he liked my looks but not in a sexual way. And he mixed it in with asking me a lot about myself so I didnít feel like he just wanted to sleep with me. I feel like I know where I stand with him. Heís looking for a partner and I know he likes me. So that made me feel beautiful. , Im not going to just junp in and sleep with him. I want to take things slow and see how things go. Get to know him better. We donít know each other enough to like each other only to like how we feel with each other. Thatís what someone told me and it makes sense. Itís a good feeling though.
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For Newcomers
13 hours ago
These are all great thoughts and valid concerns. Like my own sich. I see a great deal of confusion and flip flopping in our WAW'S and in ourselves. I think the same way we analysis their behaviors for consistency, we are analyzing there's.

Ex Uni WAW: "I want a gift, no I don't want a gift, you don't have to get me a gift. You are emotionally abusive to me. Why are you so distant from me? I want a seperation. You want to work on the marriage? I'm surprised."

You see all the contradictory there? She doesn't know what she wants. Your W like mine, probably wants a lot of the dynamics beteeen the two of you to change since she can no longer continue on like this. The both of you are looking for that change through actions, not words, and Im willing to bet that it is you that has to do all the changing in her perception? Right? After all... If she wanted to work on the communication and trust issues, she would actively be working torwards the M? No? I would save these talks for MC since perception, coping skills, and communications can become greatly skewed.

Dealing with these trusts, misperceptions, mind reading, and flip flopping is literally the double standard I speak of and is the definition of insanity. So deal with it on your own terms of your own actions, and leave their devices to theirs.

As far as a legal parenting plan. You can just Google it and download it. Its a simple template you can find anywhere.
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For Newcomers
13 hours ago
Quick update...

Iíve been DBing as best I can - GAL and detaching so that I can make the best decisions I can. Itís been going well. Spending more time with the kids as given me strength and I can feel myself healing from the last salvo and growing stronger by the day.

I was triggered today though. D9 videoed W to talk to her. D turned the phone to me and W was in MB making shushing gestures elsewhere. I then asked Ďwho she was shushingí, Ďno oneí was the reply with a hint of a smile. Iím now pretty sure S was in the house so it was likely him she was shushing for the call but I canít be sure.

I was triggered but I seem to be recovering from the incident much quicker than I thought I would. I donít know what W makes of the incident but I guess Iím not as fussed what she makes of it as I wouldíve been previously. I am obviously still way too attached to outcomes but it was a trigger that I wasnít expecting and was hard to avoid. I really didnít need it at the moment.

These incidents remind me how hard all of this is. I need to accept the fact I donít trust this alien who has taken my wife anyway and so must detach from it totally and utterly. I guess the best way to deal with it is to go on as if it never happened and keep on with DB. Iíd gone totally dark with W until this incident and may have just undone all that work.

Letting go is hard to do.
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Surviving the Big D
14 hours ago
Just a thought about S24ís Ďrantí,

It could have emanated from a throw away remark from his mum. She may have said to him words along the lines of,

ďOh, now B has moved in, they want you outĒ. These words may have sat in his head for days making him stew a bit.

Just my tuppence worth.
19 588 Read More
For Newcomers
17 hours ago
W initiated a text conversation about things in the past a couple days ago. Lots of feelings and hurt and blah blah blah. I validated mostly and didnít tell her much of how I felt or am feeling.

She said she feels guilty and never wanted to hurt me. That sounds like a bunch of hogwash to me but itís her feelings. I didnít do anything with that comment.

Itís good to be chatting a little, there was even some flirty comments for a bit there before it delved has into her feelings. I had some oral surgery and she was joking about my diet and dessert and I poked back about stuff and it was just a little fun. I know that there isnít anything to take from it, it was still fun interacting with my friend for a bit.

She is still talking about finishing the D. She hasn't done anything to move that direction in months. Says there is no other way out, blah, blah, blah. She noticed my changes and that will be good for my next relationship, I am a good catch, wonít be single long. Same old crap. So nothing has really changed for her, other than a willingness to talk at least. She is starting to reveal some of the stress of being a single parent, homeowner, startup entrepreneur, and divorcing mom all at the same time. How much work it is doing all the stuff around the house; validated but offered no help.

Hasnít asked me about taking leave again nor did she give me the dates of her business trip. Beginning to think itís just a ploy to see if I would jump when she asked me to. More to follow.

I did actually touch her tonight when I picked up the kids. She put her hand up for a high five and I returned it. Thatís the first time weíve touched in nearly 9 months. Again nothing taken away from it, just noting it for now.
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For Newcomers
18 hours ago
Originally Posted by IHCLACS

Uni I highly recommend it. https://youtu.be/nyUG5KnutTo

Thanks I'll check it out!
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For Newcomers
18 hours ago
SteveS - I caution you to avoid targeting specific outcomes. That is classic NGS behavior - doing something in the hopes of achieving a certain outcome from another person.

That being said, if I was in your shoes (and I kind of am if you read my sitch), I would want to reach a point where I was calm and collected and confident in saying: "I am filing for D, because whether we R (my hope) or D, I will be a happier healthier version of myself." Yes, filing is alpha behavior and may be best for your sitch... you are the expert on your sitch, tailor advice as needed.

I guess the other reason would be that you feel this is your only remaining shot at R, in which the separation is a waste of your time and emotional energy. Again, you are the expert on your sitch... and honestly even in that case I don't think anyone can know whether R is possible.
19 345 Read More
For Newcomers
19 hours ago
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Uni have you considered drafting a parental plan? There are plenty of templates online. If W agrees it can become legally binding in family court, and is usually good premptive measure, before filing for CS.

What is CS?

What concerns me most is custody. Your idea of a parenting plan sounds interesting. Best would be something we jointly type up and sign off, without lawyers. I donít know if thatís binding or not. Perhaps such a plan would alleviate my concerns about trust.

As of this moment, I view accepting trial separation as a leap of faith. Faith that UC can handle this new limbo situation. Faith that it will be worth trying. Faith that in the process, I will either see progress in my R or not (especially in MC), and make good decisions for myself.

I believe a truly confident man can assess the nuances of his sitch and make appropriate decisions. In this case, I donít think I need to lawyer up for the TS. For instance, I donít need to worry about finances. Iím not going to make a fuss about it. Yeah, itís expensive. OK. Not the end of the world. Money is traceable. My W is not going to go date. If she does, Iíll file for D. Thereís whatís important and whatís not. I am not feeling adversarial about this. This is a leap of faith. The more legal I make it, the more Iím saying letís just D. So whatís important? What I want in my life going forward is a great relationship with my kids, and to be a better UC. If my W wants to join us (shine the flashlight back), sheís welcome... if we arenít too far down that path.

Now Iím going to ramble some more...

I also think I have the option to stop the TS at any time. So I can stay curious, calm, and make thoughtful, considered decisions on a day-by-day basis. What do I need to see in the TS to avoid D? Better communication. Change in the abusive narrative. And my W valuing my opinions and feelings again.

Is that possible? Is it worth trying? Do I want to be with someone who thinks (or ever thought) this of me?

Right now, I think yes (remotely), not sure, not sure.

My W started MC with abuse talk. She is afraid of me. She established that right away. This wasnít an act, it is her truth. I can completely disagree with the reality of it, but it is her truth. When I said I wanted to ďlean inĒ to the MR, she was stunned. She was confused. She did not know how to respond. Her trial separation request was clearly not thought out. Later that night, she wanted to talk to me. For the first time in 3 months. It was a peculiar and interesting talk. DB says donít try to mind-read, so I wonít try to over analyze what all this means. It is a fact she expected me to ask for D. I do not believe she is diabolical enough to have this master plan to screw me over perfectly playing out right now. Thatís not because I have rose-colored glasses on, itís because I still view her as a hurt, scared human being, and I do have some empathy. It just so happens Iím the person she blames. I listened a lot, I validated.

Example: I came back from a business trip 2 months ago with a gift. She told me ďYou donít need to get me a gift.Ē I said, ďOh I know I was just thinking of you and how much extra work it is when IĒm gone an how I appreciate youĒ and she said ďYou donít need to get me a gift.Ē Next trip, I get no gift. I figured, sheís already thinking of leaving me, donít pressure her.

Guess what? She WANTED A GIFT. We hashed out why, and itís pointless details, but I basically said ďThank you for sharing this with me, this is really good feedback because I want to know how you are feeling and why, so I can be more responsive.Ē The reality is she could have just told me why she didnít want a gift the first time, and I would have understood and validated. And then gotten her a gift the second time. I mean... the communication issues... oof. But at least she shared something. There were other things like that. Mostly examples of misunderstandings which I tried to avoid defending, and just validated. Again, itís all one-sided right now, UC is to blame.

So every day I need to revisit ó is it possible for her to value me again? Is it worth trying? Do I want to be with someone who ever thought I was deserving of the abuse label?

And... are we making any progress...
58 656 Read More
For Newcomers
19 hours ago
You will be okay Hope. Itís just going to take time, patience and focus on you and your beautiful daughter. It will get easier. Remind yourself that the MR you had before is no more. It is important you really understand that. He has walked away from it. If you chase him, he will only walk faster. You have to turn around and look the other direction and then take some steps. Work on you. Build a life without him. IF he returns in the future, the ball will be in your court and you will get to decide if you want him in your life or not. If you do the work, detach and drop the rope, you may be really surprised how you feel. Once I truly dropped the rope in my sitch, I was able to see my MR very clearly and I realized I had been putting up with to so much CRAP that I did not deserve. My XH was a complete neglectful, emotionally abandoning jerk...as AnotherStander said... King Douche of Douchebag Land. My only regret is that I didnít see it sooner. TBH...it still hurts sometimes...no one gets married to get divorced...but it is a hurt I can deal with and it is way less painful than my marriage was for the last four years. Anyway...every sitch is different but I absolutely believe in GAL and detaching...it is the only way to save yourself...if you save your marriage in the process, that is just a bonus. Hang in there Hope. You can do this!!! (((HUGS)))
8 206 Read More
For Newcomers
20 hours ago
Uni have you considered drafting a parental plan? There are plenty of templates online. If W agrees it can become legally binding in family court, and is usually good premptive measure, before filing for CS.
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