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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 09:10 PM
Thanks for the clarification, Job. I just wanted to review it because DnJ mentioned that is H was still seeing OW, he was in replay. I just didn't know exactly what this meant. Just needed clarity, and will use the guide loosely.

Journaling.....

So, I'm home from a terrific 24 hours with the kids! Lots of together time, church was inspirational, and nice to see they are doing well. They even let me shampoo their carpets and disinfect their rooms! Made mom happy. lol.

D19 was all hand holding, hugs, and kisses. I even got a few, if a bit stiff, hugs from my Aspie S21. initiated by him, which was something. D19 ended lunch by saying it was a great weekend, with lots of together time. I just told them both that nothing was more important than family and keeping those connections going, and that I loved being there with them. S21 is in a bit of la la land with H. He mentioned Hs "band practice", that he believes H is telling the truth (that's the excuse for not going to see them on Easter). I just listened. That was about the extent of talking about their dad.

The only downside of seeing the kids is the 2 hours each way in the car. Too much time to think. I played all kinds of music, but thoughts of H kept creeping in. How is he spending his Easter? Is he with OW? Then I had fleeting thoughts of jealousy. He's got someone, and I miss having someone! Why would I be jealous of a relationship like that? This is not a strong feeling, and I've only had it once or twice before. But.....

Just another thing to work out.

So my sister posted a link for a daily devotional from Rick Warren. I of course clicked on it to listen. It was about forgiveness, and how forgiveness is for us. Lack of forgiveness only locks us in a prison. He added that anxiety, worry, and stress are all actually fear. And fear locks you up in a prison, and limits living.

Things like my sister's post pop up when I seem to need it the most. It certainly got my attention today.

I don't want to be locked up in a prison. I want to live freely. My over-attention on H is keeping me locked up. The door may be propped opened occasionally and I get a breath of fresh air, but I want to breath that air every day, all day.

I believe I will get there.

I'm looking forward to arriving.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:06 PM
Have a gloriously happy Easter.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:05 PM
MarcPA, Bubs, and Harvey. Thank you for helping regain some compassion and clairity. I will re-read your insightful reminders everyday so that I don't make this about me again.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 08:57 PM
We finally have some temp orders, I still donít agree with them but they are better than before. I have to keep telling myself they are temporary and will get the rest of this moving forward.

I have been able to get some things from the house, still got a ways to go on that. Itís amazing how much work she can do around our acre lot with her two bum knees that have kept her inside reading romance novels for the last few years. All the neighbors chipping in to help her because of this tough spot she has been subjected to. Such absurdity.

We are at least able to talk, so long as the topic doesnít shift to money. She told me the other day she thinks a fair and equitable distribution of our assets is me keeping my military retirement and her keeping all 3 homes we own. Basically her portion of my retirement would be about $750/month and she currently gets $3425/month in rental income. Sounds fair and equitable right? Just had to be do be right there.

I am traveling for work stuff for the next 3 weeks, saying goodbye to the kids really tore me up last night. They were fighting because they knew they had to go back. It was just as hard as leaving back at thanksgiving when she told me to stay somewhere else. I shouldnít have left then, but thatís in the past. I had such a vivid dream the other night, we were talking, happy, hugging, I could smell her hair scent, felt so good to have that physical contact, then I woke up to a truck beeping as it backed up to the grocery store loading dock.

Ugh. This whole work for 12 hours then make it to baseball and eat and shower and sleep plan is making it tough I do anything but brood unhappiness. I rarely have time to do something I want to do unless I skip seeing my son play ball.
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Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 08:42 PM
DnJ you have written so well on this issue.
From all the forum posts from other members, you seem to have captured the essence of what I think is going on with my wife as well. I love reading your posts on other members threads.
Hamburg, great writing as well.

Noticing that many of you are freshly out of D yourselves. Mine is wrapping up.
Wondering if we have anyone's perspecive on what follows 1-2 or 5 years into it.

Anyone "live to tell" what is was like afterwards.
Did the MLC wife enter nervous collapse and realize what happened. Do they ever grow, heal, see the light so to say.

Lately as I go to bed each night that is what occupies my mind. My wife and child are moving out this week. I will see them only on predetermined dates. MLC, rage, blaming me (clone of your wives story basically).
What follows in their new life?

Wonder if we have any older threads, would love to read any info.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 08:05 PM
Perhaps I'd have found enough to identify with in any of the descriptions! They're all fairly capacious, aren't they? Still, it does no harm. And I like my list too.

Today was a weird day. I had a happy time in some respects - some time alone, which has been in massively short supply and which I really needed. Then family dinner (my side) this evening for Easter. Kids had been to PILS for the celebration with his side - though he'd just taken them and dropped them off but hadn't attended himself. He looks awful at the moment and probably needed the time to rest and recover but still, it was a bit sad for them not to have either of us there. MIL dropped the kids off with me this evening. She's not been in touch at all since he moved out and that's saddened me a bit as I think we were reasonably close and got on okay prior to this. I have no idea what he told her - she knew we were having problems and that there'd been infidelity on his side, but her frostiness after he moved out surprised me. Anyway - she was cordial at the drop off. We made chit chat. She said I was looking well and asked me how I was feeling. I AM looking well - I've been outside a lot and my skin looks great after stopping smoking and I've put on a nice amount of weight. I told her I was really enjoying having a dog and time with the kids. It was all fine, but awkward. It's hard to know how to handle interaction with her but I think I did okay. But now I have thoughts over how weird and hard it will be to resurrect or regain the relationships with my ILS if we do end up reconciling. I feel resentful that not one of them has been in touch these past few months to ask me how I am or ask me if I needed help with the kids - they must have known he wasn't doing any childcare and I could have done with some help now and again. But I can let go of that, and thoughts about what things will look like in the future and what problems I might have don't need to be dealt with today.

Plans for tomorrow: REST and GAL with kids and some housework. Gearing up to get them back into their school routine. Making my own plans for the summer walking.
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Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 07:58 PM
Hello Label

It is fascinating, when we can step back and look at it, isnít it?

Weíve all had something similar. How many times have you replayed bomb drop in your head? A pretty significant and traumatic event in your life. We replay it, over and over, turning it around and around, until we come to terms with it, and finally accept what it is. Realize our part, and more importantly, realize what parts are not ours.

This is where a MLCer is at. Having a deep trauma from their past looming in front of them. They canít face it, but it is there nonetheless. Their minds and emotions are forced back, unable not to relive that event(s). Unable to handle the pain, they run!

The LBS does grows from this, from our event, and any past event(s) this stirs up. Some do enter MLC themselves, BD is a big trigger, and depending on what is hidden and unknown within them, and how well their coping skills are, will affect their path. Most, however, transition relatively well; becoming better people.

The MLCerís damage is such that a full blown crisis happens; and all h@ll break loose in their lives. Their poor minds are trapped in a past they do not want to visit.

If one can accept and understand this; one can chose and walk a compassionate and forgiving path.

DnJ
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 07:51 PM
Originally Posted by Hurt213
L,

Happy Easter dear!

I am not gonna waste keystrokes talking about your H, because what matters is how absolutely delightful it is to read how well you are doing. I remember the beginning of your journey on this site. To see that transformation take place, and to see were it lead you, is fantastic. Keep going on that path of yours, it will lead you to many happy places im sure.

Stay strong, stay safe, and BE happy.


Hurt213,

Thank you so much! I truly appreciate it. Happy Easter to you as well. I take things one day at a time but Iím so glad Iím not where I was when I first landed on this forum. Living my life!

Hugs!
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Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 06:35 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I guess probably more of a choice than anything I assume.
Absolutely. That giddy head over heels feeling is fine for teenagers or people having affairs. For me, it's knowing that this person "fits" in to my life and adds to the richness of it.

Well - another milestone passed. Much to my surprise B - despite not being somewhat unpacked from her trip wanted to spend time together yesterday. Over an early dinner she suggested that I ask her to stay over - which I did.

While we were sitting very close to each other in the kitchen going over pictures from her trip, S24 rushed by on his way to his poker game. Introductions were made - everything's cool. We didn't bother pretending that there had been no PDA going on. S24 didn't seem to care.

S24 being out for a while gave us some extra well appreciated privacy in the house. B has now moved in her soap to the bathroom and coffee maker to the kitchen. We did talk in general terms about her spending progressively more time here. We stopped out to visit her mother this morning - who is a charming 91 year old and B is going to do some tidying at home and then out to see one of her sons for Easter dinner. I'm just going to start roasting my duck shortly for S24 and I. B would have been welcome here but personally I'm very glad that she is spending the evening with her kids. I do worry sometimes that she does prioritize time with me.

S24 did ask just now if he had been rude by just zooming past and I assured him that from my point of view that the interaction was perfect. No pressure, no fuss - just "normal".

Well - I have some laundry to do - I believe that I need to invest in more linens. I did re-install the shelves in the bathtub to accommodate more people.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 06:28 PM
L,

Happy Easter dear!

I am not gonna waste keystrokes talking about your H, because what matters is how absolutely delightful it is to read how well you are doing. I remember the beginning of your journey on this site. To see that transformation take place, and to see were it lead you, is fantastic. Keep going on that path of yours, it will lead you to many happy places im sure.

Stay strong, stay safe, and BE happy.
44 931 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 06:25 PM
CSL,

In retrospective, we could all have done a lot of things different, and as long as we realize this, and try to do better, then thats the only lesson to take from the past with us into the present and future.

What do I mean by that? you realized, that you shouldn't had involved yourself into an R talk. Good job! You are absolutely right, dear! you are by no means detached, healed or ready for such an emotional draining conversation.

You tried to listen and validate - Well done, more of this! (unless its about OW, then fk that conversation, pardon my language, thats just disrespectful).

You got dragged into an R talk - NO more of this, not for many months to come. Its just cake eating and him trying to ease his guilty feelings.

You set a boundary, I hope you are ready to enforce it - how will that take place? what is your plan of action?

Do NOT let him talk to you about his relationship or whatever he calls it, with the OM - its just disrespectful - hold yourself to higher standards, please!

Him talking about a "break" - let me translate this into a language that is easy understandable: You are my plan B, and I want to explore this new opportunity of mine. In case everything backfires, and the grass isn't greener, I want you to hang on in the shadows, so I can bounce back to my known safety net.... Come on, he is out the door - 28 years or 28 days, its all the same for him right now, sorry. Dont fall for this - again it comes down to self-respect - its tough, its brutal to say the least, but in a year from now, you want to look back on this with a sense, that you conducted yourself with grace, you stood up for yourself, you fought for your marriage from a place of STRENGTH, because you should be the GOLD MEDAL for ANY man who is lucky enough to call you a life companion..

Be strong. Dont be a pushover, you deserve more.
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Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 06:11 PM
Well Easter is fun and relaxing..she didnt bring him.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 06:00 PM
I hate to say it but Myers Briggs is a load of crap. That said, if you find it useful and it resonates then use it to improve your life (a bunch of those things also sounded like me btw). I like your list, and the focus on yourself. Stick with it smile
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 05:49 PM
Lol such modesty Tryhard smile Iím not sure itís Ďmuch betterí but weíve navigated 3 days together with less turbulence than the previous week so weíll see how things go. I have IC next week and Iím keen to keep working on my own stuff. Tomorrow and Tuesday I have stacks of work to do but will also hang out with ds2 as well. In the meantime the weather is gorgeous and itís hard to be upset about anything.
Btw, the running and cycling yesterday, they were both planned activities by both of us. Dh has also taken up running since he left, which I find ironic as he keeps saying we have Ďnothing in commoní during any R talk. Erm, other than my main hobby and now his major form of exercise which he says he misses when heís injured! The man is a moving contradiction.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 05:15 PM
Turbine ,
The not seeing granddaughter is unbelievable. I guess that shows how far gone she is in her thinking and path . I love the nautical theme btw . Someone did a quote on here that I have been trying to track down for ages , the gist of it is ď keep sailing straight and if you come across the devil go faster and cut him in two ď for some reason it hit me in the feels .

Big fan of the gym to get a little breeze in the sails when in the doldrums. Nice to get some female chat , just watch out for borderers if you know what I mean. wink need to keep the deck clean sailor . Get some wind in them sails and get further away from the storm , soon it will be full sails cruising in warm waters .
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 05:03 PM
Thank you Hurt213.

My H and I ended up having a conversation this morning as we were deciding what to do about our Easter plans. He felt as if I have been acting as I am moving on and wanted to talk. Of course, I tried my best to sit and listen without responding much, but I also felt I had to stay true to myself and my feelings. It turned into a relationship discussion, that I probably should have avoided, but in a way I feel relieved.

He thinks perhaps a break, or separation, will do us good. "Maybe a month from now I will regret this.....Maybe we will realize how much we love each other and that we can't live without one another. This does not mean the end of our marriage...." I'm not sure if he is just saying this to make me feel better, or to lessen his guilt, but I cannot go on living in our current situation as it is. He is overwhelmed by the thought of moving out and what it will involve. He said he doesn't even know where to begin. As far as I'm concerned it is not my problem.

He continues to tell me this other "relationship" is not what I think, that it is not intimate, etc. Frankly, at this point I don't care what the details are, it is damaging to our relationship. I am tired of the lies. He tries to tell me that this contact with the OW is a separate entity, that our relationship issues are a bigger part to what is going on with him. That we have caused much damage in our marriage over the last 27 years. I have learned enough over the past few months to know that this is typical talk, he is trying to rationalize his behavior.

I know that I may lose him forever, but I think I would rather end our marriage than live with the knowledge of this ongoing affair. At the end of our conversation I told him that if his contact and relationship with _____ continues, then he needs to leave. I said her name for the first time out loud, and it felt like a relief.

I am truly heartbroken. We have faced many difficulties over the past 28 years together, and I thought we would fight through this. We have always worked well as a team and taken things on together. I am angry, sad, and overwhelmed by emotions.

I appreciate all of the support on this forum. I will try to remember to be patient, look to advice before acting smile
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 04:56 PM
Hey dilly , sounds like things are getting much better, take it slowly and keep your expectations in check . Of course I am going to take all the credit for the positive upswing smile . Keep going , you are strong , you can do it.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 04:56 PM
Hmm what I wouldnít give for having sex with my husband again!
That said, I think maybe you need to be playing a bit harder to get. What role did sex play in your marriage before? What did it mean to your wife? If sheís getting sex from you and you looking after the kids, whatís in it for her to R? Stick with the new better you and tread carefully, I reckon. If sheís not talking about R then donít get ahead of yourself till sheís really committed, I think. Good luck smile
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 04:56 PM
Happy Easter to all those that celebrate this holiday.

I wanted to provide an update regarding my H and the job(s) he applied for out of state, he didnít get any of the positions that he applied for. They stated he wasnít qualified for the positions. Of course as he tells me this, he says but I know Iím qualified for the positions. I just listened and kept it moving. He says heís planning to keep looking for positions and applying for them. Again, I just listened and kept it moving.

Other than that, Iím still doing me. Still focusing on ďmeĒ and getting used to my ďnew normalĒ.
44 931 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 04:48 PM
In one of our therapy sessions months ago I did ask about the running (mistake!). I got rage and fury like Iíve never seen ďyouíre the only one who doesnít think Iím a runner, Iíve been a runner my whole life, I was recruited in high school to run the 2 mile!!Ē

I chuckled, I couldnít help it. The therapist smirked.

It is hard to fathom someone going back mentally 20 years. How is that possible. Itís also somewhat fascinating.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 04:43 PM
Yes I hadnít considered that he would get strung up about me not drinking actually. I told him though that both nights I slept without hot flushes so he can respect that for sure. Hot flushes in the night are awful, but the other night I had a much worse thing where I woke up burning in the night having had a nightmare, that was even worse. I broke my wine rule today because we went for lunch and I figured it was far enough away from bedtime that I would be ok, plus dh was leaving straight after lunch too so no chance of getting over emotional.

So itís been a weird weekend. Yesterday I was mostly calm until dh came back and was super critical and I totally lost it and threw a mug across the room and stormed off. I apologised later and asked to start again. He cooked a nice meal. I did make a fuss about BOTH meals, Tryhard! This is a 180 because he is usually critical of my cooking (actually most domestic things I do) so Iím appreciative of his cooking nowadays. Later on he said Iíd over reacted and I agreed. Still later I plucked up the courage to say that I canít handle criticism or him making out Iím not good enough, and that if he has constructive criticism then Iím open to it but just plain critical comments I find hurtful. I suggested that at work heís good at making constructive comments and maybe he could bring that into his marriage. He didnít say anything but I felt Iíd made my point fairly assertively given how upset I was about his behaviour this weekend (bordering on harsh a few times). Last night I went to sit with the kids and dh got upset that Iíd not told him I was leaving the room, I apologised about that (he was flitting between the kitchen and the barbecue anyway and mostly ignoring me). We had a nice meal, then I went to bed super early. He joined me later. In the night I felt him softening so I snuggled up this morning and he didnít push me away (that sounds pathetic, I realise, but you can tell when someone is flinching from you or tolerating you and it was nicer than that, difficult to explain though). In the morning he was quite attentive, asked if Iíd slept ok and made me a coffee in bed. Then he suggested I went for a run and heíd walk out to join me. We had a nice walk back, then a lovely meal with the kids at a restaurant Iíd booked which he really liked. We hugged goodbye and he left with ds1.
So a mixed weekend, the first 2 days were tricky but today was nice and ended on a good note. I donít really know what to make of any of this. There was some weird stuff he said about dying early (his dad did, mostly because he smoked like a chimney). Iím giving him a few more weeks then I think Iím moving on, I need to see progress from him in order to have hope. In a way more time together was both good (because we relaxed eventually) and bad (because there was negative behaviour from both of us). I dunno.
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Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 04:10 PM
All sounds good Hazy. Keep moving forward and GAL. It will get easier and easier with time and space. You are teaching your daughters a lot when they see you handle this painful situation with dignity and grace. Your H probably is sad. Let him sit with that feeling while you get stronger. You will begin to think more clearly as you become accustomed to your new normal. In my sitch, I fought clarity a lot in the beginning. I was so heartbroken that the future I had planned was being obliterated by my H and I got no say in it. But Iím okay now... in fact, I am better than okay. Over time I have been able to see my marriage with clear eyes and realized I have been desperately lonely and overlooked by him for years. No more... I am putting me first for the first time in a long time and it feels really, really good. When you get to a place of acceptance, things will change for you. In the meantime, just try to hang in there and make small steps. Be kind to yourself. Show your daughters that you can triumph over adversity and be the best version of you. Not for him...for you and for them. (((HUGS)))
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 04:01 PM
Hey Turbine. Sorry about the email from you L. I know this is not what you wanted. Be kind to yourself... Weíre all rooting for you. (((HUGS)))
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 03:58 PM
Well...another first date under my belt...lol. We went to our local pool hall and I have to say, I havenít played that well in a long time. Poor guy... he had his own cues and I could tell he has played in the past as he made some nice shots. However, he was no match for me. We played for two and a half hours and he won two games... one because I accidentally sank the eight ball. Afterward we went out to a local pub for a drink and some appies. He was really nice but, again, I was just not attracted to him. Sigh... maybe Iím just closed off in that way right now, IDK. I gave him a hug goodbye and he texted me about 15 minutes later to make sure I had gotten home okay (he lives across the street from the pub which is about a three minute drive from my place). He also thanked me for a great evening and told me that he thinks I am an awesome person and that he is sorry I was hurt the way I was. He went on to say that he didnít think he was my type and that I should go out and have fun and meet the right guy. I thanked him for the evening and for his kind words. He then texted back that he thinks I am really hot and that he wanted to kiss me but could tell I was not feeling the same way. He wished me the best and said that if I ever wanted to go out again or just talk, he would like that. Yep...really nice guy. And he has good taste too...lol.

Make today a great day everyone!!!!
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 02:17 PM
I've decided that 'reading for improvement' will include books about spirituality and assertiveness, creative self development, parenting and meditation. But I'm not going to read relationship or marriage books any more for the time being. There might be a time for that in the future, and there's plenty about my communication I can improve outside of my marriage - but I think the obsessive reading of relationship books was keeping my focus on a relationship that isn't there any more, rather than on myself. I have made myself a little reading list (because apparently INFJ love a bit of order and structure!) this afternoon, which was a nice way to spend half an hour.
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