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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
For Newcomers
8 minutes ago
Found this site last night and found the article on Biased observations very interesting..

https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/09/30/affair-fog-character-change/

I have been with my "ex" for 8 years.. And like i put in my original post, there were a couple of Red flags, going back to the very beginning of our relationship ( deleting messages off her ex boss ) . Then there were the deleted messages from the ex boyfriend 3 years in.. Did i ever feel threatened about the ex boyfriend messaging her.. No.. Because he worked away for months at a time and i think my ex knew he was being flirty, only after one thing and was never going to risk everything for him.. She deleted the messages, and played it down whenever he messaged... But i overlooked this as a risk to my relationship.. After all, he was just trying his luck... It was me she loved.
But lookiing back, maybe i misjudged my ex partners character. I have never deleted a message off another woman ( or anyone ) - becuase i have never needed to hide anything from her..

So the biased observation part on the link is very interesting..
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For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Thats a really good point Accuray..

We have had big rows this morning ( she noticed a had taken a picture of me and her down and got annoyed ) - Hence it ended in a full blown row about her disapearing on Monday night etc. Basically i went against all the advise ive read.

That said, after Monday night ( she is still lying saying she was at her friends ) i no longer want her back anyway. I cant prove anything physical happened, but i know she called him as soon as she left the house, i know she changed her knickers that evening and i know her car was parked up in a location where she would never normally leave a car.
That was always my point of no return. Even after the months of lies and deceit, i would have always tried to reconsile, but Monday crossed the line..

That said, i have go to live with this "stranger" now for another 3 months.. So i think the "friendly coworker" is probably the best way to go... just for our sanity / the children... So many thanks
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For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Journaling:

So weekend is just around the corner, and tomorrow I am going to hand over the kids, which I dont feel quite as bad with as I did last week. Dont get me wrong, it is still a very awkward thing to just give up "ownership" of your kids for an entire week, but I have a lot planned for the coming days, and I am looking forward to that.

So today I am picking up the kids early, then we are going to go shopping for "friday candy", then a good long walk, a nice dinner tonight, and then we are staying up late with the fireplace lit an hot cocoa with marshmallows.

Tomorrow I am going to pack my bags, and then I am heading to the range for some practice. After practice, I am going to the gym for a session. Tomorrow evening I am going to my parents place, and just have a quite evening. Sunday I am going to the cinema. I have a late work day monday, and after that hitting the gym. tuesday I am taking my kids to gymnastics, and then heading to my neighbors before going to my parents place. Wednesday is golf practice, thursday I am meeting up with som friends after gym, and we are going to go to a caffe and just talk and have fun. Friday I am heading home to be with my kids. So yea, quite a nice week ahead of me, and I am looking forward to it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and be happy for what you are and what you got, because life is what you make it out to be. So make it great.
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Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
I just got back from work and it's 2 am so DnJ and Coly and Peace and Job, I will write tomorrow. I love the outpouring of support!
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Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
Devvo, I think you would need to read my whole story to understand, but to try to make it short -- there is no truth in anything he is saying. He squandered everything, drove our biz into the ground, ran up tens of thousands in debt, doesn't work much and hasn't given me money for house or kids in over five years. I slowly had to build walls around our joint ventures, block him from my cards, etc. I refused to sell our house so that he could live without working. And that is why he says I control everything. It's all madness.

Likewise the clashing. If you have followed my thread at all, it may be apparent that my goal is sainthood. I'm only partly kidding. But I will say that though we did fight in the early days, the year or so before BD, as he got angrier and angrier and I didn't understand it was MLC so I resented him for not loving me and for leaving me alone to deal with our biz and kids and debts. But then I became a Christian. And I have raised my voice to him maybe five times in the last five years -- e.g, when I found out about OW, etc. Generally I am very kind to him or try not to interact if I am hurt or think I will say something angry/harsh. So again, all madness. The only clash is that of paragraph one, but I don't fight or engage, I just don't give him the money he wants or I show him our accounts and how we are always short and he becomes furious that I am creating a "myth of scarcity." Our accounts are all joint, he could easily empty them or at least look at them. He told the court he has no access to them and I control everything and the court was like, "Wha...? They are joint accounts!"

When he was the H I knew before, he was not very good with money so I did all the books and paid all the bills. In fact, he was deep in debt when we started dating, and I helped him set up a schedule to get out of it, and he did. Once were a family and then running businesses together, I was every week begging him to do it with me but he always refused. Even after BD, I kept trying to involve him, if only to show him how dire things were, but he refused. then when he got crazier, he said he wanted total control and to do all bills and run everything alone without me, etc. I tried to show him how but he would just sort of disappear about it. I was too scared to abandon it to him. He always had bad credit so everything was and is in my name as far as debts, and I knew our biz would totally go under with the way he was disappearing and so crazy and out of it. His vision of me is in fact almost comforting, because it's so far from reality that it helps me to know that it's not about me.

I'm not saying I was perfect. I did and do millions of things wrong. I am just saying that his view of things in that way is totally insane.
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For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Thank you DnJ. I know my day is coming. I both long for it and fear it at the same time. Crazy, I know.

So kids are off to bed. Long night of homework and forgot that both of them need baths...again. Four years of “single parenting”...you would think I would have it all figured out by now. I so love those little monkeys. They are doing a journal assignment that involves them doing kind things for one another every night and/or teaching each other something. Of course...there are arguments about one teaches the other, etc... Hmmm...not sure that is the point of the assignments. And my daughter had math homework. She has dyslexia so her brain just does not get math. Whenever there is math, there are inevitably tears. Well...at least it was me here and not my H. He s*cks at math.

Feeling a bit better tonight. I think it helps that I was pretty busy for most of the night. Less time to think. Talked to my MIL for a bit. She says she barely hears from him and when he does come by, he can’t seem to be in the house for more than five minutes...even when I am not home. It is almost like he has separated from her too. Their relationship is very different from the one I had with my parents. I was very close to my parents. We talked almost every day. My value system was pretty much the same as theirs. I loathed to ever disappoint them. Given that my H never really left home, I would have expected him to be a lot closer to his mom. They love each other, no doubt, but there is just a level of closeness that is missing. My parents KNEW me. They didn’t know everything I did necessarily but they knew who I am at my core. It is not the same with my H and his mom. It’s like they don’t talk about anything really personal...just surface-level stuff. It’s been almost four months since we found out about his double life. I think they have yet to talk about it. If that were me and my parents, we would have had a hundred conversations about it by now. It is just so strange to me. I asked my MIL if she thinks that anyone really knows my H and she said she doesn’t think so. Like me, she thinks there are people who know bits and pieces but no one who really KNOWS him. She would have thought that I am the person who knows him best but clearly that was not the case.

Guess I should head to bed as well. Six a.m. comes quickly. So glad it is Friday tomorrow. My son told me tonight he is taking a break tomorrow from his regular Friday night activities. He just wants to hang out with his mom. smile
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For Newcomers
4 hours ago
/journaling to close out the day, hopefully

Spent most of today waiting around on / with the handyman to fix / clean-up yesterday faucet fiasco.

Today in GAL: 30 push-ups (getting back into exercise), and went out to grab some coffee in the late afternoon (out to Starbucks) for a pick-me-up, but also to just get out and be around others, if only for a little while. $2.75 coffee is a small price to pay to keep some semblance of sanity.

I’ve read on the forums about others’ dating adventures. While I’m nowhere near close to a resolution on things with W (see above), I had something of an epiphany this afternoon.

The idea of going on dates, making out, and having sex (but for me, within an MR) all sound fantastic—and while all that seems so far away at present, I realize that I’m one day closer to those things happening again—whether it is with W, or with someone else down the road.
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For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Originally Posted by SoTorn


I went shopping again because I am toning up. I'm not losing weight any longer. Sitting right at 177lbs at 6ft tall. I now fit in medium slim fit button down shorts and 34x30 skinny slacks/Jean's. I feel great and look great.



Great job, brother.

I’m 6’1’, weighed in at 178 lbs. this morning. I hear you—it feels great, I love how I look and feel (and can only imagine how much worse my back would feel if I weighed 30 lbs. more), and I’ve gotten comments from (mostly older) women at work about it.
35 517 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Ugh......I really just need to GTFO when W wants to talk with me.

She came up to me while I was washing bottles for YS, and she told me that she wants to resolve things between us before this September. Why? So she can go for her training this fall, and someone is retiring so she will be able to get a spot at her same office, with the same supervisor she currently has. I told her that I would need to think about that.

Then this prompted essentially a replay of Tuesday night.

She rehashes my fault “why can I never get a straight answer out of you?” “Why should I trust that you will change when you never have for the last 4 years?” And on and on and on.

I really, really think she is trying to go after an ‘abuse’ angle on me for later, if need be. She talked about how I would do things that hurt her, intentionally or unintentionally. She called that abuse—that I keep doing things that hurt her, whether or not I intend to. Once she said that, that’s where my mind raced to—that if things escalate between us, she could serve me papers and get a court order ordering me out of the house, claiming some sort of threat or abuse.

She said she doesn’t want to be my wife.

She then brought up that if I want any chance at reconciling, I should try to work with her on things.

She said that she would consider going to MC with me—under her conditions, that it is a secular one, and that we go as married, but separated (if that makes sense).

She also asked if she needs to get a lawyer. She wants me to seriously consider her proposal—because she believes that it will be fairer than a family court judge, and she really doesn’t want to fight me, but she will if she needs to. She said she doesn’t want to put OS in front of a judge and have him be asked who he wants to live with. (Guilt, manipulation, I know.).

I’m trying to DB as best as I can but saying ‘I need time to think about that’ when she proposes some heavier things to me (like resolving things by September), but she just goes bananas—she gets very emotional, like she’s going to cry. I’m trying to at least not escalate things (which for me, is a vast improvement than what I used to do). I tried validating, but it’s getting me nowhere. She wants to know what I’m thinking and why I’m thinking what I do and doing what I do. Why does she care so much about this?

A little while later after the conversation, I was prepping tomorrow’s dinner, and she was getting YS’ bottles together. I noticed she packed some breast milk cubes into a bottle, and said ‘using ice cubes?’ Trying to DB by not totally ignoring her, but then she tells me that stress impacts breast milk production—and that her milk production has been way down since Tuesday (when we had our late night chat). I told her that you can do what you can do, and she said to me as she walked out ‘And YOU can do your part.’

Good thing I will be talking with L on Monday afternoon—something just tells me that if things escalate, she wants to play the emotionally abusive card against me.

So tonight was basically a big failure.
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For Newcomers
5 hours ago
So...XW texted yesterday. Wanted me to take our house and she'll get a bigger apartment. And she informed me that she'll be taking our D8 to live with her, I can keep S12. That way she'll get more money. And if I won't agree to it she's going to sue me and take both kids and demand full child support. I know she really doesn't have any grounds for this but I'm tired of fighting. I'm the bad guy here and she could never do this to me if things where otherway around...I'm just so f-ing tired of all this.
56 983 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
I read what your H wrote Gerda, and saw a man who is saying that he's leaving the marriage because he feels he's not got any say in decision making and that you won't take the risks he wants you to take. Would they be business risks, or is he speaking of something else.

The 'clash' email was a bit harder to decipher. Obviously he feels you two fight too much, but I couldn't quite work out how he thought leaving the 'clashing' was going to make working with you after a divorce any easier. Did any of that make sense to you?
6 70 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
Happy birthday, One! Wishing you peace!
77 2,532 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Journaling,

Dear lord, please help me get through a couple more months of IHS.

I went shopping again because I am toning up. I'm not losing weight any longer. Sitting right at 177lbs at 6ft tall. I now fit in medium slim fit button down shorts and 34x30 skinny slacks/Jean's. I feel great and look great.

My s11 asked to see a new outfit. I showed him and he said I look awesome. WW was sitting on the couch so she also saw. Of course she says "oh you just look sickly now because of the weight loss".

Wow, full NPD mode. WW is going on 40 desparately trying to look 30 right now. I can honestly say she is fit, but she looks like trash. But I dont go out of my way to insult her so I keep my mouth shut.

I just responded and stated "I dont need your validation on how I look".

When I walked back through the family room she tried to back pedal by saying "I don't mean you dont look good" and I just ignored her. WW is one seriously broken woman. I mean insults just to insult without any argument or confrontation going on.

My feeling that I am absolutely done with MR is holding strong. Again, I am trying not to hate this woman.
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For Newcomers
6 hours ago
This is the second time she's done this in the last 2 months right? Why is she now coming around, I wonder...

She's clearly not ready to pull the plug and "lose you". I don't think you're ready either, but that is just my opinion. It looks like you and her get.....more time. Oh boy.

It seems like you're doing well other than having to deal with her. Maybe next time you can be a little warmer, but I think you've not seen or talked to her much, so it's not like you should feel right at home talking to her either.

Have a good week Davide.
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For Newcomers
7 hours ago
I don't get how you guys deal with constant or even regular interactions with the WS!

So, my w came over tonight to walk the dog and I happen to be around because it was raining and my bike ride was canceled. After she came back she asked me some questions and she hadn't received an email that I had sent her earlier today regarding logistics and financial stuff. But then she also asked to if I would be willing to talk with her, as she put it -- about feelings and stuff. I replied that I'd be happy to to listen to her. She commented that I seem to I always avoid or not respond when she asked about those things. That I don't share me feelings. I replied that I thought those conversations were for a relationship and that we weren't in a relationship.

Once again she was in tears the entire exchange. I am very good at being calm and collected and unemotional when dealing with her, but I think it also can come off as cold which is not really my intent. However, I really do try not to engage with her and share feelings or even what's going on in my life. She asked if I was planning on staying in the the town where we live and I replied that I didn't have any idea, because I don't.

It was tough to talk with her and have to deal with her emotionality. Not super painful, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I wonder if I should just be shutting down those talks that she wants. It makes md think she is looking for some type of absolution. And that is certainly not my role!

Sorry for any typos as I am on the phone.
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For Newcomers
7 hours ago
Thanks neffer.

All you've missed is debating semantics and questioning labels.

I'm in a good place and working my plan.
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Surviving the Big D
7 hours ago
Originally Posted by Ginger1
All I can think right now is margaritas and chips and guacamole.


Mmmmm yuuuuum
63 473 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Originally Posted by Hurt123
played like a stradivarius
Whoa.I had to go to the dictionary there.


Did, you can do this.
49 750 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Glad to have you back, and congrats on the nuptials!
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For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Might want to talk to a lawyer about leaving your home and not returning. It could be abandonment. Make sure that doesn't affect you financially.
29 286 Read More
Surviving the Big D
8 hours ago
All I can think right now is margaritas and chips and guacamole.
63 473 Read More
Surviving the Big D
8 hours ago
Bahaaa.....how to be a 3% women by G love!!! She said she is available on Saturday night so the date is confirmed for 8 pm by me at a local, high end Mexican restaurant. I like this one as she is not blowing up my phone and doesn’t seem to be into texting.
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Surviving the Big D
8 hours ago
Stupid autocorrect.

Anyways. Yup, she was probably really busy at work and was able to answer you when her day was done. If she was seeing patients all day, she can’t be on her phone.

This is good!
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For Newcomers
8 hours ago
DV

Yep, detachment sounds so easy, and yet takes so long to get it. Once you do, you’ll look back and wonder why it was so difficult and took so long.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Still looking forward to the day when my H is not the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up.

I still remember the first day I realized I hadn’t thought about W yet. That was amazing. Until then it felt like I would never get over her.

Your day is coming DV, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

DnJ
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Surviving the Big D
8 hours ago
Well look at that. The pretty rather than the predator knew what to do.

I’m pretty sure if the predator could get an honest answer on how to capture the prey, they would always take it and be successful.
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