CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.



You can get started saving your marriage right away!
CALL 303-444-7004 for more information
or sign up online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Thank you friends for all your time in sharing your views.

OneArt - I would rather W owns her divorce, just like her separation. I am not exactly sure why I feel that way, it is just a piece of paper at this point, we are not very much married right now. I think it is my loyalty and vows to her.

I also have no financial need of her. A divorce only provides an other layer of protection to our agreement.

I do understand the feel of the financial constraints for you. As you said, I do not have those.

The impending divorce or not is something I could live with. If I am not going to push it, than I will accept what she does, and when she does. When and if it happens I am sure it will be a surprise to me (she may have already seen a lawyer smile )

And for the record - I will not be a boyfriend while married. Even with a broken marriage. That would make ďherĒ the OW of my marriage. We already have an OM, that is quite enough extras on the set.

The problem is for me to persue any R, I would need to divorce, and figure out the whole death do us part vow. Ah limbo - what a joy.


AndrewP - The kablooie at my work is still not fixed. Going to require more time next week.

I am one province to the west from you. Manitoba.

I am not sure of the differences between ON and MB in terms of separation and divorce. H3ll I do not even know them for MB. I just know it is too easy.

I do thank you for sharing your process. I did figure out something. I am going to follow my advice. Something I have been telling Gerda - talk to a lawyer. I will see my lawyer and find out the process, and my risks of not filing. Information is power. I do not have to act on it, I intend not too, but I do need it. Iíll see what my much wiser in the ways of the law and emotionally untied lawyer advises. Heck it is my life, of course I am emotionally tied to it - thatís why I see him.

I remember you stepping away batter and bruised, undefeated and unvictorious. You are correct, that is closing the door on the past. I admit I am not ready to do that, to force that. If she does then so be it.


Gordie - Yep strong belief in my vows, and to keeping them. Really donít know how to reconcile that.

Married to another manís girlfriend. I never looked at it like that. That is bothersome.

I understand the bible supports divorce on the grounds of adultery. It does not look to favourable towards remarriage. So far just a theoretical discussion, however someday who knows.


Kyh - I tend to agree that those whoís spouses leave or abandon family do have an easier path. Sort of. There is a lot of pain and suffering compressed into a short timeframe. That can help with healing and acceptance due to the spouse being absent and not re-enforcing themselves within you.

Interesting how you salvaged what you could from your vows. It is good to have no shame in moving on.

I understand what you mean in loving her in a different way and be the best to your abilities. It certainly is not easy, however the right path usually requires more effort and is worth it.


peacetoday - I agree if W got divorce and married OM, done deal. Would take too long to unravel that mess.

I can see how a new R would be very healing. From my view (and nothing against you in anyway, this is all me) I do not need a new R to get better. Before I felt that way, I needed someone to be complete, not anymore. I do want someone to share lives with. Alone is not all it is cracked up to be. It is not horrible; there is just better.

Having someone would end limbo and start on to the next path. I would like that someone to be W.

At any rate, I am not in a big panic to end things with W and start a new R. Yes I am tempted and people in real life, although well intentioned with their match making attempts, are causing me some issues.

Like just about everything - it is a matter of choice. You are correct - I do know I will be alright. I wonder what the universe has in store for me?


bttrfly - Correct, I am standing and wondering how long I should continue to do so. Not wondering how long I can, but how long I should. That seems like an issue to me. Like making a reason to do something.

The human mind has an incredible capacity for reason. We can justify anything, just look at our spouses. I am trying to ensure I am not falling in to that trap, to create reasons to D so I can start new R.

Some of this stems from D16 stating she would be ok with a stepmom, a new mom. Wow. If my kids were more ďnormalĒ and resented the idea of new mom, I would be less entertaining towards the idea of standing down, or divorce, or figuring out vows and keeping my word (breaking them to be accurate).

I know you were ready for limbo to be over. I also do not want to regret what I have done or the length it has taken. So far for me in hindsight I would not change anything, I would like that to continue.

I agree that the spouse should carry the divorce football, unless there is some reason, some protection, that requires the LBS to push it.

I have noticed that I have other options. They are just becoming more appealing lately. Your ďdatingĒ insight is much like what I was thinking.

You posts have always been helpful.

- - - -

So thank you all for your help and with letting me explore this a bit.

I do believe that W is in the midst of some psychotic problem, an emotion crisis, MLC. I did vow to stand by her and I currently am not ready to stand down. Although I would like too and would like an R with someone.

I have never cheated, dated, or such while married, have not being unfaithful to W ever - I donít think I will start now. I am still married, such as it is, I will continue to behave like it.

I think my kids (maybe all kids) are in a parental limbo. They have no mom. They have a dad, and they know they are loved. But limbo is ... well nothing really. It is not crushing, or horrible, or anything else - it is just nothing, lonely. Children miss their parent, I am pretty sure. I remember a very dear poster (name has changed) who mentioned her son would love to have a dad like me. Very touching and dear to me, however I am sure he would rather have his dad back. My kids would like a mother figure in their life, maybe someday, maybe it can even be W again.

I am going to seek the counsel of my lawyer to find out my options and risks. I expect to change nothing at the moment. (Yes - expect. I realize this is an expectation not a hope, might be set up for a disappointment)

I have no idea what I would do about the vows dilemma. I understand it. I understand a way out. I am not ready for that road yet. Perhaps someday I will be, I would like to have a clearer picture before I have to make that decision, maybe i canít until facing it.

I still care for and love her. It is inside me, somewhat hidden, and somewhat changed.

I still have hope, for her, and us.

I am still standing.

It is still her move.

Time to embrace limbo and see where this goes.

This is going to take some time.

DnJ
74 1,791 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
If I were you, I would read every post by PuppyDogTails before taking action.

You only have one shot at doing this right.

PDT:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=19113&type=t


Doing things at the right time is important.
83 1,000 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Have you ever taken the Briggs Myers/Jung personality test?
I have not.

I can float through all kinds. I can be introvert or extrovert. Leader or follower. All depends on the sich.

180 everything. Float to the place you need to be.
55 827 Read More
Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
I dunno why we are talking about my case on your thread! But I am not at all worried about being pro se. I am just worried about how gross I have to be to battle him. I have been pro se for almost two years on a different case and have done very well. I will certainly be able to hold my own and rack up his lawyer bills for a while, probably until his friend gets tired of paying for another man's divorce, especially as this friend is also giving him money for living expenses, and, if I succeed with my first motion, will have to offer him a place to stay. At some point I will tell that man's wife what he is paying for and that should be the end of his having a lawyer.

I have a lot o legal advice from lawyer friends and two friends who went through this, plus sometimes I get some legal advice from a free service I found here, they just won't actually represent me.

If we go to trial, I will get a lawyer then.

But thanks to all for the concern. It would be great if we can stop talking about that, as I know everyone thinks I am insane and wants me to get a lawyer already. Would rather just hear tips and advice and experiential wisdom.
7 74 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago

All normal. Feel anything you need to. Just don't do it in front of W.

Remember that everything will be OK. You are doing the needed work.

Time is your friend. Use it wisely.
36 813 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
I should have GAL tonight....

W started work at 8 AM then came home early with the kids at 3 PM. As far as I can tell she has been in my sons bed since then. When I came home she said she had a busy day and needed some sleep so she went back into S room and slept. House was trashed from kids playing unsupervised. S was left in a pullup that he filled up and needed changed rather than working on his potty training (he has been difficult to potty train). I made a quick dinner for kids then made dinner for W and I. I woke up wife for dinner she talked about work and how she and her colleagues were firing someone. Said she was so tired and exhausted, then she showered and crashed back in our son's room. I hate when she gets like this, this is definitely a post bd thing. She is completely useless, unmotivated, and lazy. She is just laying in his bed on her phone. I have been cleaning up the house and playing the part of both Mom and Dad. Once I finished I was so frustrated that I wanted to walk into son's bedroom and have a MR talk with W that included " WTF are you doing and WTF is your problem ?" By the time I entered son's bedroom I had calmed down and just told W goodnight and holler if you need anything. Treat her like a house guest. I decided to start meditating again starting this evening. It is a good way to calm the mind.

My boss told me a story last week about how the wife of his relative was having a mental breakdown and threatening D. So the relative got together with the family and had her committed. Now I don't think my W is so far gone like this guys W was. I can't say the thought of committing her to the funny farm hasn't crossed my mind.
55 827 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Found a digital copy. I have some reading to do.


Short update:

W asked me if I was ok and if I was "just exhausted". I said "yep" and asked her the same Q. She also was tired but she was going to music. I told her to have fun. End convo.

I have to continually realize that my sitch, as painful as it is, could be so much worse. I am thankful that we are at least civil and are cordial, even humorous everytime we see each other.

Small steps. Marathon not sprint.

I hope this continues to true healing. I pray it does.

Thank you again, everyone. This board has been instrumental in my healing and rediscovery process.
61 1,143 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
lost, you're very strong through your crazy sitch. And you are standing firm, like a large boulder.

I hope that you continue to do good work and inspire those who are going through DBing to be the same.
21 384 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Thank you both. Expectations are funny. It is so easy to have them and not really realize it until you are in a situation reacting. Last night was interesting. My H was really emotional when he was talking about his stressful week which, honestly, was not that bad in the grand scheme of things. Iíve handled way worse. It occurred to me while talking to him just how poorly he handles stress... like he seems really fragile in some ways. I wonder if he has always been that way and I just didnít notice or is this just indicative of how messed up his brain is right now? When he left last night, he gave me a hug and told me he was going to take the next couple of days to just de-stress and enjoy his conference. He told me to do the same with my sister. He asked where we were going but then added, before I could answer, ďnot that itís any of my business.Ē I told him anyway. He had guessed correctly anyway since she and I have an overnight shopping/casino trip we used to take about twice a year. Havenít gone for at least a year so I am really looking forward to it. My H is turning 45 on Sunday (really hate that he is 5.5 years younger than me). I thought about getting him something but decided that I would just help our daughter bake him his favourite cake.

So I did something a bit risky(?). Not sure. My H has maintained that his running away was basically running away from me and our relationship but not our kids. He said leaving them was the hardest part. I actually donít believe him. I think he was running away from EVERYTHING that felt like pressure and responsibility. In actuality, even when he had the chance to spend more time with them (when I wasnít around), he would still choose to leave. So... I proposed to him in an email that we switch places for a month. I suggested that he could move back in to our place, keep his rental, and that i would go and stay with my sister. I told him he could do all the daily things with the house and the kids (and I provided him with a LONG list) and I would see them on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. I told him to think about it and we can talk about it next week sometime. It will be interesting to see how he responds. I know if he agrees, he will do a good job taking care of them but it might kill him...lol. Anyway... Iím not 100% sure I could be at my sisterís for that long (she only lives 5 minutes from me so itís not like I would be a world away) but Iím kind of tired of him blaming me for his behaviour...
62 1,042 Read More
Midlife Crisis
4 hours ago
Hello bttrfly

Well that certainly put a kink in your otherwise probably alright day. I am sorry.

(((bttrfly)))

You asked how do you process it. How to get to a place of forgiveness in your heart?

First off, I have read all your threads long ago, and I remember something about once you get this Italian women angry look out! I do hope you are not that livid, or at least getting less livid. (a little humour to soften you up).

How to process, how to forgive: Well accuracy has been good for me.

You got some unwelcome news, is it accurate or maybe a little embellished. Please do not get me wrong, interfering and attempting to get son to turn against you - ya not good! However son is not buying it. That sure says something about sane mom.

From what you said ex-mil has been backstabbing since BD.

I understand how this would kick up a lot of emotions. Who do you blame? Since we cannot talk in real time I will guess probably that hag ex-mil.

She has been doing this off and on for four and half years. You just found out. You are upset. You are creating your feelings.

Yes she is to blame, she did the act. However, she, and no one, can make you feel something - you control your feelings. Those fleeting feelings are fast to ignite, summoned from our subconscious beyond our control. In a bit we take over and either feed them or let go and let them flit away. Which ever you choose will determine how you process things and affect future springing forth of such feelings.

I think you know which side I am promoting. Understand you feelings and let go of them. If you had not heard about this today, what would your day have been like? You donít really interact with her that much. You son has held his own. Her actions do not affect your day to day activities - so do not let some new found knowledge gain too large a foothold, she is not worth it.

You know she is angry, lashing out, and not in possession of all the facts.

With that view and understanding, the feelings will ease and you can get to a place of forgiveness.

Ex-mil still angry and acting out after all this time. That poor women, what a sad life, not much peace for her.

My kids, parents, and close friends were very upset and angry when W left and abandoned us all. It took some time to pass on my belief and understanding of W and how sad and depressed she must be to do what she is doing. No one is livid at her any more and havenít been for a long time.

We have forgiveness and peace in regard to W, even though she is still acting out much like your ex-mil is still acting out. Perhaps you can understand or somewhat believe how sad she must be to do that.

Understanding leads to forgiveness. It is not absolution or condoning, it is just you not holding a grudge. It really is for you.

Thatís my two cents.

Hope it helps.

DnJ
91 2,979 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Sending you a hug. My thoughts are with you and your friend.

(((Steve)))
88 1,678 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Stay strong man, keep DB.
90 1,820 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
Hi black8

I understand how that timeline is like waiting for the other show to drop, it is so stressful. Listen to OneArt, take your eyes off her and focus on you and kids, and your happiness.

If you are not going to push the D along, and I believe that you are of that mindset, then it will happen when it happens whether you are focused on it or not - is up to W. So choose to not focus on her, it is less stressful.

Originally Posted by black8
I will try to take this as it comes, but I feel I deserve to know from her when she wants this divorce done. This is completely selfish on her part and I continue to remain in limbo!

Oh how very true. Of course she is selfish - she is in MLC, it is all about her.


Originally Posted by black8
This will really be evident when all the kids and me are together for Christmas, and she is not there. I do not even know what excuse I can make for them then...

In my opinion, do not make excuses, do not cover things up too much - of course be age appropriate. Children are much smarter and observant than we give them credit for. If you have ever swore by mistake in front of a child, oh my that is the one word they suddenly learn to perfection and know exactly when, where, why, and who they learnt it from.

I know it is difficult. Excuses will only work for so long and then they will find out, then what? I think things will then be a lot more difficult.

If you want you could share some ideas of what you might say to kids on how to break the ice. This is a pretty good place to bat around ideas if you want to give it a try.

DnJ
43 1,331 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Originally Posted by Twofeet
People like R2C, AS, LH, or Steve could probably help you come up with an appropriate way to address WW. My only suggestion is hide your source of info. Its something I have not been good at doing. Once W knows the source she may shut that source down making it harder for you to know what's going on. If knowing what she is doing outside the MR matters to you. Whether you know what she is or isn't doing outside the MR shouldn't change your DB efforts.


He lives about 4 hours away so Iím not worried about them meeting up. However I caught her messaging him tonight in the house. I need to set a boundary. Thatís why I want to bring it up to her.
83 1,000 Read More
Midlife Crisis
6 hours ago
OneArt

A well said piece. Full of compassion and understanding towards someone who has hurt you so deeply. That is a great step to take and a great life to live.

I love your view of your future.

I am happy for you - you little poetry geek. smile

DnJ
7 74 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
People like R2C, AS, LH, or Steve could probably help you come up with an appropriate way to address WW. My only suggestion is hide your source of info. Its something I have not been good at doing. Once W knows the source she may shut that source down making it harder for you to know what's going on. If knowing what she is doing outside the MR matters to you. Whether you know what she is or isn't doing outside the MR shouldn't change your DB efforts.
83 1,000 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Grace, we just had a civil talk about the budget for alimony and such tonight. Meanwhile he was red eyed and sniffling the whole time. I just don't get this anymore. He says one thing and acts another way. I just want what is best for my son and me.
76 2,249 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
^^^In other words, your doing good! 1 day at a time my friend!
90 1,820 Read More
Midlife Crisis
6 hours ago
Hello marina

It is good to see you reading and working towards understanding. The part in the brain book about the mind being broken like an egg, that does hit hard.

All the struggles you are dealing with in regards to W in therapy, meet ups, decisions, discussions, and so forth. You are handling yourself very well.

It is interesting when we forget an important date or event like your 11 years today. It is proof - detachment and letting go are starting to take hold. You will survive this, you will thrive this. Keep moving forward.

DnJ
45 811 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
day is almost over. tomorrow is another one. just staying strong and patient
90 1,820 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Need some advice on how to proceed....

Found out tonight my wife is still talking to OM. Here is what I think Iím gonna do, but any suggestions are appreciated.

Me: W, are you still talking to OM?

If she lies, tell her Iíve got proof. If she admits it ó

Me: Ok, I think itís terribly disrespectful to me and our marriage that you are continuing this. I donít care if itís ďnothingĒ. It IS something given the history. I canít allow such disrespect so you have a choice you are going to have to make. You can either cease talking to him and continue sleeping the basement and living in the MH while we figure out whatís next or if you want to continue talking to him, Iíll give you a couple days for you to get other arrangements figured out and then Iím going to need you to move out.

Thoughts? Iím going to be extremely calm during the convo.
83 1,000 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
R2C,

This is a good thought exercise. I can answer some of those questions later after I think about them a bit more. I need to think my way through the fog of "I don't even know anymore" a bit to come up with answers.

Have you ever taken the Briggs Myers/Jung personality test?

My personality type probably explains things as to why my W is attracted to me and why she is not.
55 827 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
I can sense that I am in some sort of funk and cannot turn my mind off. I am struggling again with trusting myself that I am doing the right thing here.

I have been reading old texts and emails to help me figure out what I did wrong and where I can do a 180 and something finally clicked.

When I got stressed or upset, I had a tendency to shut other people out and keep to myself until I could process everything. This was really hard on wife and after seeing it multiple times in past texts, I can see it upset her more than I originally thought. I did a poor job of apologizing for this...

I can also see where I contributed to making her feel smothered or that I was being controlling. Again it probably comes from the NGS and being new to the area and not having any guy friends. I never let her go do stuff on her own, I always felt left out and alone and I can see now that I acted in a passive aggressive manner that made her feel bad about taking care of her social needs.

I just feel like I have learned so much and can recognize where I went wrong and if she only knew that I knew that. I know I should be focusing on me and I know that having a logical argument about where I am now versus 2+ months ago with someone in a emotional state is a bad idea, but I still struggle with wanting to try. It is programmed into us since childhood that we should always try, yet DBing is counter intuitive.

Sorry for the rambling, I just want to fix this or at least get another chance to start over.

Send me those 2x4s, I need them
36 813 Read More
For Newcomers
7 hours ago

Originally Posted by Hero18
My W wrote me back today saying that she does not feel comfortable coming to any agreement without her Atty present.
H:"W, I am sorry you chose this path. I believe having two lawyers argue for us will completely drain our family assets. I understand you being uncomfortable talking to just me. I am willing to negotiate with you using a mediator. Would you be willing to find 2 or 3 mediators that look good to you and I will pick one? We can have our lawyers review the documents before we come to any formal agreement. Thank you for considering this alternative"
36 813 Read More
Surviving the Big D
7 hours ago
I'm not jumping to blame mom, although she was a severe alcoholic when he left and from other tales of the marriage sounds like a possible personality disorder.

He was the one that left but didn't cheat or leave for another woman. His oldest two were in college at the time and the youngest a senior in high school. He has attempted to stay in touch ever since but I think his resolve is failing over the last year as their responses to him get fewer and farther between. They all live far enough away that you would have to fly to see them. (Ages 22-26) I've seen him text and leave phone messages, all appropriate. He refuses to badmouth his ex to them.

He's not the typical WAS in that he was trying to stay until the kids were grown despite his wife's alcoholism, and only left because she made a false accusation about him to the police (which they quickly determined was false) and he knew it wasn't safe for him to stay there any longer.
14 152 Read More
Page 1 of 45 1 2 3 44 45
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004