Job, I didn't see your post about counseling before. I will answer soon. Short answer is that we had a little bit of ineffective counseling. My son refuses to do much, he ran away from an evaluation even, but his new school has therapy built in. My D and I lean on the church and church community but my S won't go. We definitely need help but I can't get him to do it. But I will explain more later.
And then she texted me about something. We had a decent conversation about S starting school tomorrow. She invited me to come along to drop him off tomorrow, and then she invited me to come see her competing in an event where she works. I noticed that once in a while, she throws in little jabs at me for making her feel bad earlier on before I started DBing hardcore. I don't dodge them. Even if I disagree, she feels how she feels, and I should have not said some of the things to her (and others) that I did, so I apologized for them. Of course, I did so without begging. Just own it and then let her know that I understand what she's saying. I feel like the jabs may be tests...but I don't know...so I treat her attempts to pick a fight as thought they are tests. I've gotten way better at just keeping my mouth shut and keeping it all simple. That seems to be working well for me. Honestly, I don't know what to think. But I do like the extra attention she's been giving me...even though I'm still not chasing her.
It's almost going so well that it scares me. I don't want to get too bogged down with thinking about this stuff. I don't doubt she's cake eating, but I also can tell that this stuff has shown improvement. Sometimes I catch her looking at me, and then she smiles and says "whaaaaaat?" in a flirty, smiley way. So I kind of feel like something is going right. But then...I know I just have to be patient and keep going.
W came to pick up S after her shift at work. She messaged me a few minutes before she left work, which is at a pizza place, to let me know she was going to be a few more minutes, then would be on the way.
When she showed up, she had clearly put on a clean uniform shirt and her hair was washed.
Maybe she had an easy night. Maybe she got off work early and just told me she was still there.
Detached or not, I don't like being lied to. And maybe she didn't lie. I don't know. But I really get the feeling she did.
I don't know. My mind is going pretty crazy right now, and there's not a lot of GAL options this late at night when I have to work at 8 am.
I am trying not to care. But I feel like I was likely lied to again, and that she actually got off work earlier than she said, then went to see someone. But of course, there's no telling. I don't know.
I think what makes this difficult is wanting to say something, but restraining yourself. Even though the entire sitch is going way better than it was, honestly it still hurts a lot.
I definitely can't stand the mixed signals, and the idea that she's still probably out doing things with other people. I know, I know, I just need to work harder at detaching. I was doing great, the last few minutes were rough though. She definitely was nice, but very obviously in a mood that doesn't mesh with how she usually is when she gets off of work.
Pax, long time poster with a new name. Been following your situation a long time. I also have a personality disordered spouse and understand well how they behave in litigation. The court is not going to buy his argument. You paid money into a joint account. The mortgage is community property, the deed in both names. Your lawyer is not concerned because this is a ridiculous argument. It sounds scary to you because he is used to controlling you and you fear him. The CPA wonít buy it either. They are numbers guys. They donít decide who gets what. Just make two columns to split assets. You are almost through. Try to let go of the fear you have around him. He craves control because internally he feels out of control. These are fearful people.
DnJ, I just wanted to tell you that I am reading your posts many times over. Things are so awful here and I am just shut up in my room crying my eyes out and trying to go over what you said in these two posts. So I logged back on to read them again. I am very low so I can't post right now but I wanted to thank you and let you know that a lonely lost Gerda is peering through the dark at the light you left on for me. Thank you.
Hi Bttrfly! Thanks for the kind words! Itís feels weird to say it, but this whole experience is a gift!
Iím popping in today because I really need some insight or advice from those who have walked this completely insane MLC path.
Iíve purposefully not shared a lot of details with the legal side of my divorce. Frankly, for a long time I was afraid the ex would find this site and then he would sue me for defamation of character or something. Suing is in his nature and well, he thinks heís a big shot. (In real life heís not the baller he thinks he is....at all)
Anyway, the legal sitch is way way way out of hand and all of this is so expensive. I want it to be over and I think thatís what heís counting on. Itís in his nature to wear people down to the point they give up. In his mind, he thinks heís ďwonĒ because the ďtruthĒ comes out thus making the other party claim defeat.
Itís a crazy game, actually. And one I witnessed too many times during the course of our relationship.
Well, since weíre finally getting some info dug up in the forensic accountant review, Iím still really shocked at how skilled ex was at managing the finances. Man, he is evil.
Basically, heís saying all my money (that was direct deposited into our accounts... even before marriage) was used for household expenses, and HIS money covered the mortgage, home repairs, etc. At the end of the day, heís saying I donít have any rights to the house because my money didnít go into the account that funded these expenses. And yes, Iím on title.
Itís complete and utter crap and I had no idea he was intentionally screwing me over the entire marriage, but he was.
My lawyer is not so worried about it because a marriage is a partnership and clearly he wasnít operating in a partnership. But Iím really getting stressed over it.
The man really does have two faces. We (me and my lawyer) see one side and now that it is court ordered that he has to comply with the financial audit, he is being as sweet as pie to the CPA. Itís disgusting!!!! And the stories he tells her are unbelievable and totally fabricated.
I donít have a way to prove he is lying.... I just know the truth because I was there.
So I guess Iím just wondering if anyone else has gone through this and what was the outcome for you? What if the CPA believes his crap, and the judge does as well, and Iím left with nothing, zero, zilch, nada from this whole experience? I donít even have a savings because it was part of our joint finances. And of course he cleared all those accounts. Financially, itís gotten sooooooo tight given the insane lawyer fees Iíve been paying since 2016.
I just donít know what to do and Iím scared that the judge and cpa will believe his stories... which are lies. I want to move on and I canít because Iím strapped financially. Given what my salary is, I really need to buy a condo or something so I can have a tax write off, but I have zero dollars to do so. Itís crazy.
Thoughts? For those who have had similar experiences, did you find the judge was able to see through their twisted lies? And for the record, I think my lawyer is great.... I just want to hear from someone who has experienced this before. Itís just so crazy.
She is using sex to placate you and keep you where she wants you. Don't give in. Hope you wore a rubber, might want to get tested.
Document the times she has assaulted you. Has anyone else seen her do this? It may matter down the road. Keep your cool at all times b/c she might be trying to instigate you and screw you over royally.
If she hits you, walk away and let her sit alone. An affair is an affair, no need to bring up the details with her. By the way she reacted, it surely got physical.
Start putting your own best interests first, she has no problem doing this and neither should you.
Fell for it again. So W was supposed to come up on the weekend to spend some time with me.For the past fortnight havent called or messaged her,have been positive when she calls(each night after work),dont ask about her or any questions about r,also ended the call insted of trying to keep her on the phone to hear her voice. She seemed a little more intrested and started asking about my day and what it involved,she still says i love you and ill call you tomorrow. I asked her about what was happening and if she was still coming up to see me(i had previously said to her i dont want to see you and D at the same time as i dont want to fight and argue in front of her anymore) she aggreed.,W said shes not sure as she doesnt have the money and knows we are going to argue...fml usual repsonse. I said id put in some money for her to come and see me and said im o er the r talks if she wants to come up hang out and have a goodtime cool,if not im fine with that also.she said ok well in that case ill come up. On the day she was supposed to come up she messaged in the morning and said she had a terrible headache and wasnt sure now,shell leave it a few hrs to see if it went,but if it doesnt she come up in a fortnight with our daughter and stay an extra couple of days to make it up to me. Shes used the headache excuse multiple times already over the last 7 months. I was angry and wasnt sure what to message back.I knew she knew me and that i would respond in dissapointment and i stupidly did saying no good about the headache and i kind of knew this was going to happen.She said i know we are going to fight is all.I said you dont know that will happen at all and i know that you just dont want to spend time with me because you are over me and our marriage (bit of manipulating on my behalf i know) Called her instead of messaging and said you dont know what will happen if you come up ect..and she said she did "see we are fighting now on the phone" She had gotten the reaction out of me and i played right into it,i stupidly said im sick of her manipulating me and treating me like a doormat and wont put up with it anymore i dont like being used by her.She threw a few lovely words at me then hung up. Hasnt contacted me in a few days now so i guess i blew it again!!!! She knows me too well and plays the game to trap me so she an justify to herself what she doing with the other guys.How can i change this behaviour and idk.Why is she punishing me she must know that this is ripping me apart. I really feel like giving up,i cant compete with the OM(her PA) and guys(EA possibly PA)shes lost in this fantasy world and is unreachable to me.Living 4 hrs away is so hard as i know she is seeing other man.My friends update me occasionally from what they see on her social media,she knows they would be telling me things its like she wants them to,its a thrill to her. So hard to work through this when she obviously is done....why does she say things like i love you,we will get through this and everything will be ok,we are just having a break...not a forever break. Im such a fool and believe her idk.Trying to GAL but dont even want to get out of bed!!!
Thanks Gypsy. Soooo... I guess I am not alone in this thinking!! Good to know! I do think that I need to start getting a Lil adventurous though in this dating game though whether I want to or not. Im a catch d@mn it!
My dad is still in the hospital in a weird coma like state 90% of the time (heís not in a coma, but thatís the way to describe it). I still cannot believe this. If I knew this ahead of time I would definitely been against him quitting drinking like this. He canít even swallow! Heís been in there over a week!
And....... we have a blow-up. Let's just say that I still have a ways to go on the effective 180ing.
My H can be particular about how he wants things to be done. I tend to be more laid back. So when he tells me I'm using too much dish soap to clean something, I'll just say "okay" and go back to what I'm doing. He knows he's critical, has apologized for it over the course of our M, but it's pretty ingrained.
Tonight, I cooked, and he actually cleaned the kitchen afterwards!! (Before we married this was how the arrangement was supposed to be, just never materialized.) Things are going good, he's thanking me for cooking, I'm thanking him for cleaning. And then it happened. Because although I'm laid back about many things, a kitchen sponge that's not squeezed out and is left in the bottom of the sink grosses me out. So I said "hey, would you mind squeezing out sponge/putting it in holder?" That was all it took to unleash the torrent. I don't appreciate the effort he's making to help. This is why he never loads the dishwasher (he claims I corrected him early on in our marriage on how to load the dw that's why he's not done it since. Etc, etc.) Heavy sigh. The unruly, alien teenage boy came out in full force. I'll spare you the details, but it's just so exhausting.
Part of me feels bad, as I know that he takes ANY criticism as an attack on him personally. A childhood filled with abuse has made him super-sensitive -- and a yucky sponge is the least of my worries. Worse, I actually thought "geeze, old me wouldn't say anything, maybe this would be a good 180." So it's not like this was thoughtless -- I really thought this would be a good idea. I was wrong.
hi ovrrnbw Thanks man its a nightmare im still hoping to wake up from but its my reality now and have to deal with it. You hit the nail on the head about the W. When i snooped i found out about a few guys she been i EA with possible PA.She has only admitted to the first one due to me seeing the actual pics and messages but would not admit to th PA.I bring it up and she flips out saying things like it never happened but as im accuing her she may as well do it.Shes become a .B#$ch Has said sorry but yeah did not mean it at all.I honestly can see that theres no possible way that we can get back to a relationship and sort things out atm. I really love and she is my soulmate.All i can do is GAL and see what happens.Appreciate your imput into my sitch and am thankful i have support from others.
Today was pretty good. W, S and I hung out and just watched movies all day while relaxing. She got home around 11:30 this morning, and brought us some donuts from a fancy bakery. At one point, S wanted a friend to come over and play Minecraft. W and I were watching a movie on the Xbox, but she was willing to go into the Master Bedroom and finish watching it alone with me while the boys played. Not a huge step, but more than she's been willing to do with me for a week. Also, all day during the movies, we'd laugh at something in the movie, and both of us kept looking at the other while laughing. Not something we normally do while watching movies together, or not in a long time, anyway.
She was distant, but pleasant all day. However, the later it got, the more distant she became.
My attitude all day was still pretty relaxed. I feel like I hit a bit of a detachment breakthrough yesterday when I told her to just leave if that's what she wanted. I hope she won't, but I can't keep doing the same song and dance I have been.
Things are slowly getting back to being good between us. WW had an apartment coming open she had been on a waiting list since may1. Last Monday they called her an told her it was ready for her, she stayed home. Things are slowly getting back to normal. She is almost back to her old self. Besides acasuanally smoking cigarettes, which I have not figured out yet. As for the pills. I am proud to say that for whatever reason I haven't seen her high on them since I last spoke about. I don't know if she just got a few, if she got away from who was giving them to her, or what but I'm so thankful. We txt each other, she sends me pics of her. She has lots of friends that can't keep. Boyfriends or a relationship, they had a get together last night at my house while I worked. I asked her this morning if anyone asked about me or us. She said yes, that these girls were proud of me for making changes and trying and that these girls were jealous of us because of what we have. We did start counciling last week. I think it's going to be good for both of us. She is going to Dr. About depression and seems like she really listens to the therapist. I'm really happy about my sitch right now. I'm still scared it might fall apart at any minute but I am optimistic about everything. I hope that all of you guys have good luck. This thing is still a roller coaster. I'm really in super pre reconcile stage so it's still really up and down. Keep your heads up, and be the person only a fool would leave! Report back soon.
Yeah, I definitely want it to be true. That, however, doesn't mean I have a rational basis to believe it's true, though. It's just a gut feeling, and it's going to take more than that for me to believe she's ready for R.
As for an affair, no, nothing concrete. That said, I'm 80/20% split on not having one/having one. I can certainly see where it's possible, but my gut says she's telling the truth. I'm not completely dismissing the possibility, though. I feel like she would have thrown it in my face by now, considering sooner if the other hurtful things she's said while angry (confessed to buying a dildo and using it rather than sleeping with be more often, as an example).
Hi T.Sorry you are going through it too man it [censored]!! Your advice and thoughts on anything would be a big help to me. I toatally agree with you 7months on and its still not sinking in what W has done and how different she is. Im getting a recorder asap.Its strange that i feel bad for recording her i dont want to hurt the marrige anymore by doing what sems to be sneaky stuff,bjt in saying that W has become the sneaky, lying manipulative type so i guess its fir the best. A month ago she had come to see me on her own and had a few drinks at dinner,was way over the limit to drive. We bad an argument over her texting other guys in front of me so she grabbed her car keys and we t to leave fir the 4hr drive home.I tried to stop her and tried to take the cars keys from her,as soon as i touched her hand she freaked out and threatened to call the police??!!! 5min prior she had punched me in the face for asking her not to message her OM while she was spending time with me!! Her behaviours are alien like atm. I calmed her down and said she could stay the night but was to leave first thing in the morning and i dont want to talk or see her again.In the morning she initiated sex and acted like nothing had even happened?? She has never acfedike this
Mercury has left retrograde. I am hoping this helps me out a bit, and it very possibly could have.
Get ready to 2x4 me. So I went out Friday night and had fun. We didn't stay out long because the weather was awful. We have had unrelenting rains here. Saturday morning I was laying in bed looking at FB as I normally do and I saw a video of a coaster he would love. We chatted a bit about it and that was it. Then later he texted me a pic of him beating a record. A little back and forth and then nothing. Then, later on he asked me if I had plans that night. I told him I had the kiddo. he said he made my favorite drink and had some extra and didn't want it to go to waste. I told him he was welcomed to bring it over after d10 went to bed. I didn't think he would, especially since he leaves for camp today. But he did. Only, D10 didn't fall asleep right away, so I told her my friend was comin over. She wanted to say hi, so I introduced them and she went right back to bed. I told her he is a friend like my male friend she knows. So, we hung out. On my couch. We just talked, shared pictures of eachothers kids, dogs, ect. We went back to where we were. We had a pillow in between us, which eventually moved and he was holding my hand. Everything like it used to be. And yeah, we made out. He left at 5am. We didn't talk about anything that happened between us, we did discuss all that over text already. I honestly don't even know where this leaves us. I am much calmer about it this time, but it's in the back of my head what happened. He knows how I feel and where I stand. But I don't know what this means for us. We chatted a little bit today. I am kind of glad he will be away this week. I guess we can both think about this. He can make the next move.
Onto the other news in my life. My dad and stepmom are here. We went to see a house. Small world, me and the woman who owned the house worked together but didn't figure it out until the end. She worked for the home health/hospice I worked for. Anyways, the house is old, and it has had some pretty shoddy repair work done to it. My dad was like, no way I can have you live there. He told my agent that he will help me have a nicer home. well, we went home and it made think of this other one I wanted to look at that was more money. We went without the agent, he gave us the code because the house was empty. It is not in flood zone and it actually backs D10's best friend's home. It was kind of perfect for us, with some changes. the kitchen was HUGE. My dream. It needs a dishwasher and new counters, but doable. Needs new floors throughout and a paint job. And it's a 3 bedroom, but 2 are side by side and small, so I would knock the wall down that separates them and D10 would have a big room. Not much closets, and I would have to run the laundry hookups in the house, because they are in the basement which you can only get to from outside and that's not happening. With these fixes though, this house would be perfect for us. The location is so good for D10 to take the bus herself and get home. They already moved to FL, so they need to sell. We are going to ask $30k under asking probably given what needs to be done. My dad and stepmom are staying over and are going to meet the agent in the morning and see the house together. I even met the neighbor who gave some inside info.
I hope this is the one. I hope things are turning around a bit.
Any advice on how to handle this thing with band guy is welcomed. I don't want to become an idiot who ends up in the same place again, I also don't want to play games. I felt like something wasn't done with us, and I guess I was right. But part of me wonders if she just misses having company or he actually missed me. When we are together we really are awesome together. He was right about that. It's natural and really nice.
Every one around us thought we were more of a couple than before. I feel like a doormat... At the end of the day I realize what I need to do and that's focus on my children and myself. At least I don't hurt like I did months ago. My children though and the rest of the family (mine and hers), seem broken and confused by her actions of this morning.
Maybe down the road things will change, but at this point I'm not even sure I could take her back if I wanted too. I do plan to lawyer up tomorrow though.
Went out solo last night. Had 4 women approach me and talked with them. Two of them were babes. One knew my brother's gf and mistook me for him. After proving her wrong [ my favorite thing to do of course ] she took a picture of us together and texted it to herself. Had some physical contact in the bar and ooohh ooh that was nice to see a normal, warm human (not kissing or groping). Made a new guy friend while I was out. Pretty awesome night all in all.
I feel kinda excited to be talking to these women, and it makes me feel better about my situation.
WW called this afternoon and I didn't answer or call back. What's the point? She needs to come home, stay home, and work on the MR before I need to talk to her about anything and everything.
I did look at the car app and knew it was dumb before doing it. Just causes pain when I need to be finding my own happiness. Tomorrow I will make the right choice.
And holy cow Steve had this post in someone's thread about always doing the right thing. That was a powerful thing to read.