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Thanks for the encouragement. I am sorry u are in this situation as well. It's been almost 2 yrs since I was forced out. To begin with he was extremely mean, even come at me 1 time when he thought I had done something to his phone, thank God my son was there to stop him. We have seen each other a few times in those 2 yrs, he is different each time. The last time we were together he said he wasn't ready for us to be back together, that he had some stuff to work through and he was working on his relationship with God. I asked him not to ghost me like he had done in the past and here we are, he is ghosting me😂
I understand what u say abt the ups and downs, when we were living together it was kind of a joke between my friends and I, I would say, "let me go in and see which H I'm gonna get today." It was almost like an adventure, to b honest I didn't mind it cause at least I was with him, could hear his voice and see his face.

I pray your situation changes quickly and you have peace.

Good Morning MG


You are most welcome.


Or both. It could be person or persons in a position of authority. Parent(s) are usually the most likely. Uncles, Aunts, Grandparents, as well as teachers, coaches, priests/ministers, and such. Someone trusted and charged with the youngster’s care. A trust they abuse and twist.

The trauma(s) can be a singular or few events, or a long time (think years) of neglect, ignoring, abandonment, etc. Or both. And even more. My XW’s trauma(s), as much as I’ve been able to deduce, is horrible and twisted. An uncle’s actions when she was 7 and 13, known and covered up by aunt, grandparents, and parents. Coupled with a childhood of not being allowed to have anyone over to the house, or to go hardly ever go out. Basically no friends. So incredible different than how I was raised.

Children are very ego-centric; the world revolves around them. As such, they internalize these trauma(s), and they blame themselves. For to their immature minds, it must be their fault. Any questions they have would be to the very authority figure who inflicted it. So, no clarity or answers for the youngster, just their self-crafted story of “why”. Their young minds unable to grasp such troubling concepts, push it all down, bury it, deny it, elsewise their psyche would shatter.



My advice would be to allow H to discuss as he feels. When he feels safe to explore. Do not push for any answers. When/if he brings stuff up, just validate his feelings is all. No other probing. Validating, will let H realize someone hears him, and he might say more as he uncovers more.

However, the LBS usually gets painted as the bad guy in the MLCer’s narrative. The crisis person projects upon and blames their spouse, unable to realize the true cause of their feelings.

Interestingly, affairs play a part in the horrible path. The MLCer crafts justifications to stray from their spouse. Remember, this is an emotional train wreck the crisis person is embroiled in. The affair partner is usually an affair down, a much lesser person than the spouse they are tossing aside. The AP is cast into role of parent or long ago authority figure, all quite unknowingly to the MLCer by the way. They use the affair partner. The AP is a band-aid, a symptom, of their deep trauma(s). The MLCer uses their AP as parent to rebel against and grow up from.

Of course, such a path is not the ideal healthy way to heal. Far from it. However, these crisis folks are stunted and not emotionally healthy, so they grasp whatever straws they can. This course brings about a myriad of other problems. As well as shame, regret, and so on. Which is even more stuff to run from. The abyss pulls them in, engulfs them, pretty quickly. It takes a long while to crawl out of such. And some simply never do.


Because it’s not about you.

You cannot help him, for you didn’t break him.

MLCers are dragged back to their trauma(s). To that time. To that age. They behave like it. They see the world like it.

My XW lives like she was when she was around 18. When pressured, she reverts to a girl of 13. And with more pressure, she becomes a child of age 7. The very ages of her traumas. By the way, she was thrown out of her house and her parents’ lives when she turned 18. (Such a messed up family.)

I’ve seen her (witnessed by friend and son) alter, time travel, to the different persons / personalities. And it is the most spookiest thing I’ve ever seen.

MLCers are their teenage self. Your H, feels likely like his 16 year old self. Intellectually he knows you. Yet, emotionally, he is 16. A time when he was not married, had no kids, no job, none of the responsibilities, etc. This is how and why a MLCer can seem/be so uncaring and lack empathy. They simply do not feel it.

Speaking of feelings. Depression is ever present in a crisis. The MLCer desperately tries to run from their ceaseless depression, torment, and pain. A 16 year old H, remember not feeling or empathizing with you and his present married life, looks for some relief. Spending money is a pretty common running behaviour. Imagine a depressed teen with a huge bank account. Not likely to look inward as much as they would just spend and have good times to drowned the demons.

Things is, no matter how far one goes, how fast one runs, there they are. One cannot outrun themselves.

In the dark stillness of night, when lying in bed, his demons will come out to play.

Depression and lack of sleep shows and takes its toll. MLCer’s age, suffer aliments, and become less healthy. The very opposite of what they are trying to achieve with their futile attempts in reliving their youth.


Good. Do not take it personally.

Unfortunately, MLCer’s do not see themselves as needing help. To them, they are finally living their authentic life.

Of course, they are running from everything and everyone, even themselves.

Suggesting counselling or therapy or such usually is met with anger. You can’t even lead this horse to water, never mind getting it to drink. Giving H to God. Time and space. I know, that’s a hard pill to swallow, to feel so powerless to help.


I think you have seen/see things well and with clarity. Hopefully, I’ve filled in some more blanks for you.

The big thing, you my dear are not crazy. The wild behaviours, the weird time travel, H’s moods, his ping ponging about, flipping personalities on a dime, all true!

Most folks have no clue about this stuff. Society thinks midlife crisis as a comedy - that Hollywood version. You know different. You’ve seen behind the curtain. Most people don’t and will not believe you. Even vehemently denying the existence of MLC.

Shrug, oh well. Until I experienced bomb drop and the horrific after math, I had absolutely no idea of this world. I was blissfully unaware.

The human mind is both incredibly strong and incredibly fragile.

My foray into this was BD. Then W, married 26 years, together 31, stood up after Thanksgiving diner and our full bellies, in front of my parents, our four kids, and son’s GF, and tossed this grenade upon the table:

“DnJ, I can’t live with you anymore. You get the house, the cars, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”

She threw her own children away like they were old clothes!

Complete bedlam erupted! May Dad and one son got super angry. One son couldn’t breathe. My daughter was crying. I was just stunned.

W and I talked in the living room for a bit. She revealed her boyfriend. Told me I was old and she was not (I was 49 at the time, she was 46.) Her reasoning for her life change: the furnace blows cold air on her; my work truck burns too much gas while she was trying to save the planet (my/our personal car was/is a Prius); she needs sunlight, rainy days feel like death to her; etc.

Dumbfounded is understatement of my and the family members’ reaction. No one saw this coming. Heck, her and I sat side by side that very afternoon while we played cards. All nine of us squished around the table. Her and I together, pressed thigh to thigh. The Thanksgiving Day outdoor games and activities likewise enjoyed together. Then, kaboom!

She left that night. 10:00pm, three hours after bomb drop, she walked down the dark 1400 foot driveway to the awaiting OM. Over the next few days she moved out.

OM is my neighbour. He and her live 3/4 mile south of me.

W pushed for a divorce. We were legally separated in two months and divorce ten months later.

She’s still with him. She still treats her now grown up kids as used clothes. She’s a very lost soul.

I understand and empathize with you. I’ve found peace and contentment, forgiven XW, forgiven myself, and lead/raised my children as a single Dad for the last seven years. My kids are doing awesome by the way. Lots of open honest discussions over the years. I offer what I can, and walk with folks through their sorrow and pain.


DB, at first, is highly counterintuitive. It will feel wrong.

Divorce busting is about taking rational well thought out actions and less emotional reactions.

The idea of smart or not, best or not, good or bad, is difficult. No one can see all ends. You do the best you can. Listen to the various suggestions of posters, therapists, family, friends, whomever, and do the best you can. And modify as you learn more. Grow and evolve.

That being said, my opinion, it’s too soon for vacation togetherness. After all, H is living in a separate house. He is actively and purposefully making space. Give it to him. No pressure.

When I first read your story, my thought was you should have a friend or other family member help you with travel to and from your cancer appointments. H is/has fired you as wife (or mostly fired). Let him feel the loss and consequences of his choices. Not in a mean or vindictive way, just let him lay in the bed he made. Besides, MLCers have the attention span of a gnat. Anything important, ensure you have a plan that doesn’t require H, as he is likely to flake out.

Take measures based upon your intellect, your reason. Yes, it will often go against your feelings. For a while anyhow. To me, it appears you are on the “right” path. Keep moving forward.


I’d not purposefully stir the pot. Leave that to fate, karma, the universe, whatever/whomever. No need to paint a target upon yourself.

To be clear, don’t walk around on eggshells, or be a doormat! No way! You live and love your life. Enforce necessary boundaries. If H chooses to not be with you, fine. If H chooses to be with you, fine. Either way, you will be, and are, fine.


Something to remember:

Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.

H is emotionally driven. His in the moment words and most actions will come from his emotional state. Look to long term constant demonstrated behaviours. For a while, likely a good while, H is going to be a mess. Going to be all over the place. Questions of why he said something, or why he did something, is basically - because he felt like it.

Sometimes things are positive, sometimes things are negative with H, his words, and his behaviours/actions. Don’t read into it too much. Just a few data points so far.

MLCers move slow. Glacially slow. And they really don’t experience time the same anymore. Months, years, will pass with hardly a notice from them. Like Rip Van Winkle they miss out on so much. Kids grow up and are no longer the small children they left behind. MLCers are lost and trapped in their past.

H is on his journey. A journey you, thankfully, were not invited to.

D

Hey G....

Be careful over in T2's old place....there may still be a Feral Cat or two running around in there...: )


I have always seen snooping as...

Don't ask questions that you don't want the answer to....



IF you can handle what you read, and understand that anyone can be anything that they want to be on Social Media, and that not everything that's out there, is "real"...

She is trying to create this "perfect" life now, and what is portrayed is mostly that.

IF it bothers you, then silence the feed for 30 days and see where you are then....


And LMAO at the idea of OM following her around...

He may, or he may not be doing that...

Of course, she may be picking up signals in her dental work too....

WMLC...all crazy, all the time....


With everything else going on...

Try to find some time for just you today....

MrP,


I kind of get the feel for the shape of it, but ... it may help to define: What parts felt productive, to what end?


These feel like WAS reoccurring themes, especially after many years and perhaps complacency that comes with it. My W pointed out that although I would do things for the family, I would more rarely do things for her alone. Times when I would deliberately exclude everyone else. It seems all Ws compete in some way with their MIL. As far as money, my W says now I was always hard to talk to about it. From my perspective I almost never said no to any request. I just made it happen though she could see the stress it caused me. I think I should have said NO much more often.

Are they really root issues? Or just things more easily talked about or easily identified? Seized on justifications to walk away?


I considered then rejected MC because my W hasn’t ever really wanted to try since BD1. Well before I found MWD’s books and this forum, I recognized it takes two to be useful. That said, everything I read here shows that which MC you have and their approach makes a tremendous difference. I think my reference standard is MWD own thread here:


https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=71642

g

Inquire at local church. If they don’t run one they’d likely know of some.


By the way, time for a new thread.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. He showed good emotion and even some empathy (of course this was after being caught in a lie) but non the less more than I have got since this started. And of course is cycling back this last week to jerk mode. Hopefully those cycles will get less and less and shorter like they have been. I remember seeing a thread that amyc posted about here story when she was in her mlc. Does anyone have a link to that thread. I cant seem to find it now. or any other threads of people coming out of their mlc. It helps me a lot mentally to read these stories.

Thanks P. Yes it’s slow and documented.