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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
For Newcomers
13 minutes ago
Those sound like amazing holidays FS!
I get you on the detachment versus coldness. Maybe as distancers both of us need to lean towards being warmer rather than colder? You sound detached in terms of not thinking that much about your H and I don’t think that being kind is something you should ever regret if it’s true kindness and not manipulation or done in expectation of something in return. Maybe thinking whether the behaviour is something you’d do for a good friend is a good benchmark for all of us in this?
92 1,157 Read More
For Newcomers
20 minutes ago
Just like you can’t control your husband, you can’t control your ILs either. You don’t know what kind of complicated dynamics are going on with them, so all you can do is tell them how happy you would be to have them see the kids I think.
PS well done on the smoking thing, that’s amazing that you managed that in such a stressful period.
95 993 Read More
For Newcomers
21 minutes ago
Thanks guys. I don't think it was pursuit either. But these waters are hard to navigate ... and it is difficult when you are in the middle of it to know what the right thing to do is.

Yail - I think DB DB DB gets drummed into us here because we need it to protect us whilst heal. So we GAL, we 180 and we detach. Detachment was always a difficult one for me - too detached and it's rude, not detached enough and it becomes pursuit. At times, I probably wavered on the rude side. I am trying to be lovingly detached, but sometimes, when the 'lovingly' part is not reciprocated, it feels like doormat. That isn't because I think I can win him back with kindness, but every now and then, it feels like my kindness is taken advantage of. Expectations. Not of R, but that he is capable of kindness back.

Journaling

Easter weekend is nearly done. A have ended up having the children most of the weekend because my H has been visiting his dad. I have not minded having the children. But, as I noted above, I do feel a little taken advantage off. He went out last night when he could have had the girls.

We had an Easter egg hunt here with some of D9's friends Friday which was awesome. The other parents and I sat in the garden (first properly warm day of the year) and watched the children excitedly hunting for eggs. D12 was in her element because she was 'in charge'. After the hunt we had afternoon tea for the kids, and again D12 was in charge. I didn't have to do much other than put the food out.

Saturday, the girls and I went into town to have lunch and do some shopping. It was H's day to have the girls and I agreed to watch them as he wanted to go to the hospital to visit his dad. In any case, he came around in the evening to watch them as I had made plans to go to dinner with a girlfriend. I offered to cancel my plans, but he said it was fine. He was feeding them at the house, and the girls said they'd rather sleep at home. H watched them until I got back.

Sunday, I had his brother's girlfriend and her daughter around for Easter lunch. We sat in the garden most of the day watching the kids play. His brother came back after visiting his dad and we all just hung out. It was actually pretty cool. Not sure where H was, but no matter.

I have the girls again today. Not much planned. Tidying the house, helping D12 with her homework (she starts school tomorrow) and just hanging out. D9 and I are about to watch a movie and D12 is still sleeping smile.

On another note, I have booked a holiday to Greece for the girls and I in the summer, and also a week for me in Croatia when H takes the girls away for a week. The Greece holiday is an all inclusive resort thing (kids don't want to go sight seeing) and the Croatia trip is white water rafting and cave diving. Not quite bucket list, but it should be fun.
92 1,157 Read More
For Newcomers
25 minutes ago
Oh and Tryhard, your commas are just fine smile

I was watching a tv show last night and something a character said really resonated with me. ‘This is your life you’re living right now, you’re in it’. This is going to be my mantra from now on when my thoughts turn to the future. I can’t control the future anyway. The other thing I was thinking is that the longer I stay married the better off I will be financially if it comes to D (I think, assuming everything we have is split 50/50). So if I get impatient and want to push things, maybe I should remind of that.

I’ve decided I need to take more action on socialising. I’ll start by looking around for more events to go to. This is the life I’m in, time to make the most of it.
51 544 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
I second what DejaVU says. I wouldn't trust much of what your H does or says right now - he's in an emotional state. And you are too. So perhaps nobody making any drastic decisions and you concentrating entirely on getting yourself on an even keel are the most important things. Are you financially and physically safe? If not, do what you have to do to make that happen - including divorce. If not, then hang fire and wait until a) you're 100% sure, in calmness, that you want to end the marriage and move on and b) he's more sane.
55 1,137 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
I seem to have a different opinion in regards to placing blame on the LBS.
Certainly in some member's cases they were controlling, had anger etc.
But there many of us that were always looking to make them happy. And still failed due to their inner past trauma.

My previous long relationship was raped when she was young and always saw me as the enemy.
SHe left me for another man, who I read recently comited suicide. I can only think of how much guilt she must have been throwing at this man, making him feel responsible for all her emotional pain. There is so much one can take.

Our common IC told me that the reason the current wife picked me was exactly because she saw me as a father figure, someone who could make her pain go away. But all my efforts failed. Her will was stronger than mine.,

There is a scene in "Midnight Express" where the hero is going around a wheel somewhere in a Turkish prison where most have lost their mind. An intelligent professor / patient explains to him that they are both in the right place, since they are broken machines. It didnt matter that he was intelligent, he had rationalized his failure.
The hero snaps and tells him he is not broken, and he knows cause he comes from the factory that makes the machines. (something to that effect) And he leaves.

So in regards to allowing our spouses to find their happiness, I agree, let them go.
But dont assume we were the problem in their finding their hapiness

For example read my case below:.

My wife first came on to me and called me first. She had told her friends she would be so happy if went out.

Then her happiness was about her moving in with me. Again her choice when she lost her apartment.

Then she wanted marriage to be happy. Not my choice either.,

Then she was envious of all her friends that had kids. Even though she had gynecological problems I paid a ton of money so we can have a kid. This was her happiness she said.

She wanted me to spend more time with them to be happy. I did just that. Abandoned all my friends. And I feel bad saying this but she had me not talk to my family either.

I paid for IC for her cause she wasnt happy. I also paid for her gym membership cause she wasnt happy.
She met another man there. Now she is happy.

---

So I kind of disagree with the notion of "finding yourself". As Sandi has mentioned its usually BS to allow them to run into the sunset with OM.

There is this great line by comedian Sebastian Maniscalco when he told his dad he needs to go find himself.
His dad told him. "What you say. I find you. You are right here in front of me. Now go get a job. "
84 1,464 Read More
Midlife Crisis
4 hours ago
jobs, thanks for sharing your situation.
Wow, seems like your spouse was really in it for the long run if not a permanent state of mind.
Hope mine recovers quicker as she is dragging our kid with her. For his sake.

As to the old memories and little things they complained about I also have them.
Seems once she has painted me as the bad guy, she will try to find anything that sticks to support her theory.
Another thing my IC told me is not to pay attention to those things they say. They are lies, not the real issue.
They are - most of the time- in the throws of another fantasy love life (affair) and will say anything.
The IC actually told me he laughs inside when he hears spouses complain about the way their partner combs their hair, cause he knows they have lost love and respect for that person and are most likely in another love.
25 291 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
Originally Posted by Hamburg
My W sat me down for 20 minutes and lambasted me for the way I chew, comb my hair, wear my socks, park my car crooked in the garage, etc.
... the strangest thing was something I said on a date 14 years ago. Then something I wore to a party 8 years ago. The MLC mind is something medical science could study, and I'm sure funding would run out.
It is bizarre and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

BD may haunt you for a while. You'll get to a point in which you don't get emotional over it. There may always be wonderment about if your actions/reactions may have changed things. But when you see this process play out you'll discover nothing can change the course.

Stay strong. You're doing well.


My w didn't go back that far but she def had some weird things. You dont travel enough she said thats why im done with our marriage cause u dont travel enough. Then another was a year ago we were at the gym together and she was talking to some guy and dancing to the music that was playing and came back by me to get on the treadmill. I remember i said something but i made a joke about her dancing not her flirting with some dude. She brought that up and said remember that time at gym you made a joke when i was talking to that guy thats just who i am she said. I didn't say a word about ya and you were legit flirting witha guy right in front of my face. They really do have some crazy things they remember/say . it truly is incredible.
25 291 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Hope everyone had a great Easter! My day was pretty good, washed and cleaned the truck to get it ready for trading in tomorrow. Then just sat outside for a few hours and had a few drinks enjoying the wonderful Florida weather we had today.

Now I'm just relaxing a bit watching TV. The W was going to give me the car tomorrow during the day to take the dogs to the vet, she was supposed to drop it off in the morning after work, well then I get a text from her at 10pm saying she wanted to come by and do laundry. Guess she missed more work (she's been missing a lot, but not my problem) so Im assuming she's gonna stay here tonight. I dunno, she walked in and didn't say much to me, started her laundry then went into the guest room. But I guess tomorrow morning I'll get up and take the dogs to the vet, then later in the evening I'll be going to pick up my car and get rid of my truck. Pretty excited for that, things should start getting better now.
55 1,546 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Happy Easter to you and all!
84 1,464 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Been a little while since I posted, no major developments as I’m almost 3 weeks into physical S with WW. I thought I’d give a quick update on some interaction with her today. I was out of town for the weekend GAL. Returned home early this morning and picked up the kids from her house to go to an Easter service and celebration. It was my first time at her place and I stood at the door. She said I could come in. I took one step in and waited in the foyer for the kids to gather their stuff. I really had no interest going farther into a place my W likely uses to have sex with OM.

She texted in the afternoon asking if she could come over and ride her horse. I replied yes. Then, apparently just before she left she called from outside while I was cleaning inside and away from my phone. The call went to VM and she left without coming inside the house. The VM was about S8’s backpack and her wanting to borrow equipment to change the oil on her car (I’ve always done that for her BTW). She snipped that I wasn’t answering her calls or texts in the message in an annoyed tone. I didn’t appreciate that. I called her back layer and asked why she didn’t come in. She said she could read people and could tell that I was upset this morning when picking up the kids. She said I didn’t even look her in the eye. I told her I wasn’t comfortable going inside because it was my first time there and I had never been invited there. She said your kids are living there and you could come in to check it out. She said she felt weird about coming into our house too after separation and didn’t think I wanted her inside. I told her we should talk through those things when she feels that way. She said she wasn’t trying to be passive aggressive by leaving without coming in. She planned to come over again early evening for the oil change stuff and car jack.

When she came over, she came inside and was receiving texts from OM2 when I was standing there talking to her. She stopped what she was doing to reply to him. I had enough of that and felt it was time to establish a boundary. We then had the following conversation over the next few minutes where I remained calm and confident:
H: “I would appreciate it if you not text him while you are in this house.” (She became upset and started to walk away.)
W: “I’m not allowed to text in this house?”
H: “That’s not what I said, I don’t appreciate you texting other men in front of me.”
W: “You’re paranoid, there is no other guy.”
H: “Really? You were texting other men for the last month that you were living here.”
W: “It wasn’t another guy, it was BFF.” (I saw OMs initials on her screen when she was standing next to me)
H: “What about the guy texting you pictures of his truck last week when I was saying goodbye to the kids in your car?”
W: “He’s just a friend.”
H: “Okay, yes, a friend.”
W: “Your obviously getting advice from somewhere because all of your responses since I moved are careful, diplomatic, and short. The messages are business like.”
H: “I’m trying not to be overly critical and judgmental as that was one of my shortcomings in the past.”
W: “It’s okay to have an opinion on things.”
H: “That makes sense.” (She was annoyed by this response as it was diplomatic too.)
H: “Tell me more about how you feel we should interact.”
W: “We’re parents and need to communicate about the kids.
H: “Yes, we are and that’s about all we communicate about since you moved out.”
H: “If you ever want to talk about anything I’m here to listen.”
W: “I don’t talk with anyone. You and I have never been chatty. I don’t feel the need to share my day with people.”
W: “I have a lot going on right now.”
H: “I understand, perhaps we can talk about house visits to address the awkwardness when you settle in more.”
W: “Okay.”
H: “Later.”
W: “Bye.”

I know there is always room for improvement and this probably crossed too deep into R talk. Hopefully it was worth it and she respects my boundary.
3 120 Read More
Midlife Crisis
6 hours ago
I had an unpleasant weekend; husband is testing on my patience to the limits.

There was an appointment of dinner with in-laws and husband Saturday night; I can not believe, they were 40-50 mins late. Yes, I was waiting alone... we all are grown ups, 40 mins late for an appointment is unforgivable to me !

I was thinking "shall I just leave the restaurant ? " but I didn't.

The house of my mother-in-law and the entire neighborhood will be reconstructed before summer vacation, they need to find another place to stay for a while, I don't know what's bothering my husband, he got the rages easily and he cursed his mother and father - "why don't they just die !"

My husband was always shy, timid but nice before this crisis. I can not believe the words I just heard.

He went to our apartment with me Saturday night, he was not angry with me, however on Sunday morning, when we drove, he lost his temper again, he yelled at the motorcyclist and drives like madman. Why he is impatient so easily ?

I called out for Lord all the weekend, specially it was Easter Sunday; how husband's personality and character changed like I never knew this person ?! my eyes are wide opened... I expected that he is getting closer and closer to the end of this crisis, and past two years, his personality in returning very very slowly... last night I could not sleep, I don't understand this, how there's a big fall back like this ?



19 929 Read More
Surviving the Big D
7 hours ago
Progressively spending more time and moving her stuff in? Uh huh. She ain’t getting no apartment of her own.

Your duck looked delicious ! Happy Easter!
53 1,075 Read More
Surviving the Big D
7 hours ago
I had such a great weekend. M and I had a special date last night. I won’t give the details, it was a first for me, and a lot of fun. We were home by 1am ( late night for us) we slept until 10:30Am which I never get to do ( up a few times to tend to dog though. Then I arrived for Easter dinner at his house. His bro, his wife, her sister and mom were there ( and of course his mom) dinner was delish. I stayed until almost 9. I have to say, it feels so good to be included in the family stuff as his girlfriend. I never really made it to the point of holidays with the family with anyone but my ex. I always felt like some dirty little secret with other guys, like I wasn’t good enough to bring home to mom. It’s such a nice feeling

I made a joke to him and asked him if it was like being with another woman when he Felt my top half. I was laying in his arms and he said “it’s just like being with you, because it’s whats in here and here that makes you you ( pointing to my head and my heart” he is such an amazing man. How lucky am I?

I haven’t really thought about the future with us. I’ve started to. I wouldn’t let myself get ahead of myself like my old MO. But coming up onto 8 months I am beginning to think about it. I think I’ve known I had no future with any other guy I’ve dated. But with him, I feel one. Will we ever live together? I don’t know. It gets complicated with kids and homeowner ship and the such. But I would love to wake up with every morning and go to bed with him every night. And come home to him after work. One day I would really want that. But he still makes an effort to kind of not let his son know our status. But I think his son does know, actually. I also haven’t lived with anyone in 11 years. That’s a long time. Marriage I doubt will be on the table. His scars might have been too deep. Mine were for a long time and I was totally closed off to it. I am not anymore, but it isn’t a necessity to me. We aren’t having kids and We aren’t religious We don’t talk about future plans like that. We just let our relationship flow. And it’s flowing beautifully. I think we even think of my dog as our dog. He offered to help me fix my lawn up and said he would mow it, he just can’t commit to every week because he has his own. I said I wouldn’t let him do that. But to even offer that? Very kind.

Anyways, I’ve seen my daughter once this week. I’m excited for her to come home tomorrow. Although she wants one of her friends to come over after school. And she will be here until about 8 pm. She’s all about the friends now. Which I am happy about. I like to see her thrive with her friends. But I miss my baby girl!

If you have actually made it through my rambling journal, Hays off to you! So many thoughts going off in my head!
66 1,730 Read More
For Newcomers
7 hours ago
Vik, there's a lot going on here. I'll start with the parents.

I'd say the best thing for you to do is NOT MEDDLE with their relationship. If her parents come to see her that is between her and them. If they ask you anything about your relationship you kindly and firmly say to them, "Thank you for your concern. I appreciate you wanting to help, but I think right now it is best for me that I keep some of the details between W and I private. I hope you understand".

Stick to that. Do not draw them in. Do not pretend they are your allies, and do not treat them as the enemy. You may need to be a broken record and repeat your stance.

If W asks you to relay messages to her parents take a similar stance. "W, I understand your parents being here is a stress to you. I think the best thing I can do is step back and allow you to manage your relationship with them. I don't wish to be in the middle".

Regarding childcare and exposing your child to OW - these will require conversations with W and I'm not caught up on your sitch enough to know how to best advise. When in doubt - do nothing and step back.
85 1,187 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Need a quick suggestion PLEASE.

Imp. Point - Wife moving to a new apartment on Wednesday.

Wife's parents called me that they are coming on Wednesday for 3-4 months. Should I ask them to hold on or ask them to come.

Point is that my wife does not have a great relationship with her parents, but they told me that they are coming to put some sense in her. Actually she used to talk to them almost everyday before the BD, but has resentment against them because of childhood neglect etc..She has vilified them as well for her situation in life and told her parents also that they were not good parents and they are also responsible for her low self esteem...Effects of AFFAIR frown

If they come, they will be staying with her in her apartment. Them being here would mean her plans to stay at OMs place will be shattered as she will not have possibility of staying out at nights becuase of her parents being here.
Also, I think them being here would mean she may get emotional support (though they stand for our marriage) and help with our daughter as well.So, it may not make her feel the impact of being separated and handling the kid by her own for half a week. (According to her they are not aware of the affair, but in actual they are)

Also, how can i tell her that she should not expose our D to OM as she is too young to be confused about having another man in her life apart from her father. What boundary can I set other than taking legal action?

What do you guys think is the best thing to happen here.

Would appreciate quick reply as they are booking the tickets and they have to travel from another country.

Sorry for short notice, but please help me with this.

Another question, how should I tell my wife that she should start sharing the daycare expenses and education saving expenses for my daughter?
She is currently out of job and has told me to pay those till she gets a job and she will pay me back her share.
So, do I wait for her to get a job or should I tell her to pay those expenses when she moves out on Wednesday (paying is not an issue as it doesn't dent my savings or earnings), but I don't want to look vindictive or punishing her as she is moving out.
If I have to say that she should start paying without being mean, what should I be saying exactly.

Thanks a lot for all your support guys
85 1,187 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 11:36 PM
My W sat me down for 20 minutes and lambasted me for the way I chew, comb my hair, wear my socks, park my car crooked in the garage, etc.
... the strangest thing was something I said on a date 14 years ago. Then something I wore to a party 8 years ago. The MLC mind is something medical science could study, and I'm sure funding would run out.
It is bizarre and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

BD may haunt you for a while. You'll get to a point in which you don't get emotional over it. There may always be wonderment about if your actions/reactions may have changed things. But when you see this process play out you'll discover nothing can change the course.

Stay strong. You're doing well.
25 291 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 11:33 PM
Job - debt free, woo hoo! That was my goal too but I'm still shy of that goal - an unexpected several extra years of paying for kids' colleges slowed that down, plus some other things.

But I'm positioned to be ok retiring even if I don't get my house paid off (mortgage payment is relatively small, and my house is worth 3 times what I still owe). I don't plan to retire yet but it's good knowing I could.
25 291 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 10:26 PM
Happy Easter and Happy Passover to all the people on here who have been guiding me, helping me and hitting me with those 2x4s. Hope today was a great day for each and everyone of you.
17 298 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 10:21 PM
They will remember things from the past that you have forgotten about. Yes, their memory is somewhat like an Alzheimer's patient. It is all about the past and what they had in the present is slowly fading away and buried deep within their soul for a very long time.

It's interesting how they never tell the lbs about the things that bother them or that they are unhappy until the BD. MLC takes a long time to build up to, but if they haven't been able to navigate their teens, early 20's and 30's, then a serious MLC will surely come about.

It really isn't about you or what you've said or done. It's their journey to take and you weren't invited on that journey w/them. Be glad that you weren't. It's a very painful and emotional one for them. They lash out at the ones that they love because they know that we are stronger than they are and can take it. Dig deeper for patience. Learn as much as you can about depression and MLC.
25 291 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 10:05 PM
I replayed BD for a long time - beat the h@ll out of myself. I certainly would have done some things differently and have made those changes. In the beginning I prayed that it was an affair. That would hurt like h@ll but I could grab onto it. As the months passed, little by little I started to realize this was so much more than anything I ever did. I think that is one of the hardest parts of MLC, it takes times and tidbits of signs to get a diagnosis. It’s the opposite of a straight forward affair. It’s Alzheimer’s, not a broken arm.

Another therapy session tidbit - she complained that “I was quiet” on a day trip 15 years ago. I barely recall the day, and she has an open wound from it. Then you think how many wounds she has from mundane stuff and realize she has zero coping skills and has been grinning and bearing it forever.

As far as LBS strength - I could pull the space shuttle on the Moon with a rope without a space suit. I have my bad days, still do, but I am even more centered and grounded than before.
25 291 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 09:55 PM
Fear

Fear is a prison and the keys to your freedom are within you.

Fear is irrational, debilitating, and paralyzing. Its tentacles penetrate deeply and entangle tightly. It is the irrational obsessive thinking about future what ifs. It is looking into the future and focusing on the undesirable outcomes. Fear is always related to something that might happen. One is not afraid of current events, once things have happened you accept and are only concerned.

Letting go of fear is powerful and healing. Fearlessness is not recklessness, one still can see future dangers and concerns, you just aren’t paralyzed by them. You can make choices and decisions based on logic and reason, without fear.

These prisons of fear come in all manner of construction. Some have tall rock walls, one room, and a door of iron bars. Some have no door at all. My own had hard concrete floors, not just a single room it was more of a labyrinth type, one door of iron bars, and weirdly, looking back now, no ceiling. I never realized that at the time, as I never looked up.

I wish to pass on my own thoughts and beliefs; maybe you will find your keys as well.

- - - -

Fear is a prison, constructed within your mind. It is dark, and the layout is unknown.

You are face down on the hard floor, alone, knees pulled up to the chest, eyes closed tight, and keeping still. There are things wandering about within the darkness. You peak and see a demonic shape, and slam your eyes closed again, attempting to calm your breathing.

In time you have moved about this dark prison and have a rough idea of its shape, may even have found a door.

You hear voices of encouragement, people who care, in real life, here on this board, me.

Eventually you open your eyes, lift your head, and peer about. There is slight glow ever so little pushing back the darkness that surrounds you.

Unfolding you arms you sit up to your knees and look about. The glow is now brighter, it is coming from you. Much more of your room is bathed in light. You see these demonic shapes, these fears, and the walls that contain. The light is that of logic and reason.

You start to look at this prison through logic and reason. It is now different; the demons do not move as fast, the walls are somehow less. The same process as for detachment, looking accurately, you are uncoupling your fear, your emotions from the possible event.

You rise, stand, to full height. Your light is bright, very little darkness survives. You walk within these containing walls and begin to understand.

What is this? A second light has started to glow.

The first light emanated from your mind, your reason. This second light comes from your heart. Compassion springs forth.

The two lights grow in brilliance. Understanding and compassion growing and taking hold. Nothing remains in darkness. All recesses are bathed in a bright glow of both reason and compassion. Both bring different understandings. Those dark swift shapes are not demons, just concerns. The walls are not as scary and large as once seen.

The fears are now understood, reasoned, for what they truly are, the irrational obsessions of possible future events.

The cause of the fears are understood, your emotional response to fear is abated.

Letting go of fear bring so much peace and strength. You know you will be alright. You feel it.

The path you choose, loving detachment, now enfolds - compassion, empathy, and understanding flourish.

Logic and reason bring understanding and acceptance.

Understanding, acceptance, compassion, and empathy, brings forgiveness.

Now, something truly miraculous occurs. You find two keys within yourself.

You are both prisoner and jailer within these self built walls.

The keys are forgiveness, and your release.

The first, forgiving yourself, removes the door.

The second, forgiving your spouse (and others), removes the prison.

You are released.

Freedom is truly found.

- - - -

You are face down on the hard floor, alone, knees pulled up to the chest, eyes closed tight, and keeping still.

You are reading, and not alone. I know the prison you are in.

You feel a hand on your back and under your elbow. I am there, knelt down right beside you, encouraging you to lift your head.

Fear is a prison and the keys to your freedom are within you.

Let your light shine.

DnJ
60 1,618 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 09:44 PM
I am probably the longest running poster here. I had the BD in 1999 and he divorced me in 2002. My xh was one angry man for about 6 years. During that time he married his affair partner who was a year younger than me and could have passed as his mother's sister. He was in full replay until his affair partner/wife passed away in 2013. When my BIL was killed, my xh came out of the woodwork and called me and then right after the funeral was asking for things out of the house...now mind you, we were divorced 3 years prior to my BIL's death. His affair partner/wife passed away on the same day as our wedding anniversary. Again, very nice and appeared to be getting himself together. He is now living w/another ow in CO. He has aged considerably and has begun to lose some of the weight that he packed on from years of partying and boozing.

He reconnected w/his family for a very short period of time in 2013 and now has basically ghosted all but his only brother. He's wiped the slate clean of everyone and is living in another fantasy world where people in CO do not know him or his past.

I stated many years ago that he would not recover from this because this man will never admit that he's done anything wrong. Rip Van Winkle continues to sleep in his safe little cocoon. Some never recover and become angry old men or old men/teenagers that others shake their heads at. Such a shame.

As for me, I moved forward, several promotions, paid my house and car off and I am now debt free. It was a relief when the divorce was finalized and the huge weight that I was carrying, i.e., wondering at any time what he would try to do next, etc. I have since retired and am enjoying my life. The experience was an open wound until the divorce was finalized, the scar is healed nicely and yes, I forgave him for his behavior and lack of sanity.
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For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:43 PM
Be patient. Don’t make any promises. Watch, listen and wait. Make him do the work. (((HUGS)))
55 1,137 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 09:34 PM
Grace,

You are getting there...but it takes time and patience. Just as anger uses a lot of our energy, so does not forgiving someone. You forgive them and it's really a way to help you release all of that pent up anger and resentment. This is the season for forgiveness and I truly believe that God puts people in our paths at the time we need them the most. Open your heart and truly listen, for you will hear what you need to hear to set you free.
62 1,374 Read More
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