CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Midlife Crisis
55 minutes ago
Hello Label

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Thank you for sharing your story.

You will receive much hard earned wisdom from the kind and compassionate people here. It will look quite counterintuitive, and go against your instincts of what you feel you should do. This is a safe place. Feel free to ask questions, vent, and update. Post often, it really does help.

Your Wís confusion is very evident, the outward display of a hidden internal battle she cannot understand nor control. She is at the will of her emotions, trying anything and everything she feels like to rid the confusion and pain.

From your title it would appear you feel she is within the grasp of a mid-life crisis. Your retelling of the situation does indeed look like MLC. She was troubled from a trigger 18-24 months pre BD. The birth of D4 could be a trigger or one of a few triggers. However the birth of S6 two years earlier did not set her off, or not that you noticed. Her lead up could have been for longer than you realize or the real trigger, like the actual cause, is unknown - even to her.

A MLCer suffers a damage from childhood. A trauma from a person of authority from thier youth, usually childhood, when they were young and had less developed coping skills. This stunts thier emotional growth. Later in life, around midlife when mortality, and adult pressures build, this trauma(s) surfaces like it most likely has before during other periods of life transitions. However, this time she cannot bury it again. It refuses to release its grip.

Of course she has no idea what is happening, and slowly her emotions take over, consuming her. An unrelenting pain and emotional turmoil stirs within her, and she will blame someone. She projects this upon you, and she incorrectly assigns you as the cause of all this. You have seen and felt her rage. You have seen her displays of a completely different person. It is like an alien has taken over her body.

This is a person in crisis. They are beyound your ability to help. You did not break her, therefore you cannot fix her. She needs time and space to sort out her mind and emotions. This takes a while, a long while. Realize she will take what she needs, do whatever she needs to do. She is driven to do it.

Give her space and time. Focus on you and your children.

Label, your frustration from being unable to help her, the unwillingness on her part to talk about this - all expected and quite normal in this situation.

A few questions if you donít mind.

What is the current living situation? It sounds like you are living seperate? What is the custody arrangement?

Have you talked to a lawyer? If not, do it now. This is for information only, you need not use anything yet.

I understand you are frustrated that you two havenít talked about what brought you to this point. She isnít going to have that conversation. She canít because she does not understand what she is feeling, she canít handle what she is feeling, and she canít handle anyone elseís feelings. Do not have any relationship talk. Really, do not have any.

She has made a statement to leave you. Give her time and space. It helps you heal, and is your best chance at a future with her.

She needs to sort out herself. She will probably pull away more. Look after your children, a lot of MLCers become terrible parents. Focus on you and your children. With enough time, she might realize that she is still angry but you are not in the picture so you cannot be the cause. Then she just might look inward to the real cause and start to do the inner work she needs to do. That in a nutshell is your best chance.

During this time you work on you, something I see you have already started. This will not a waste no matter what the outcome is.

This is a marathon not a sprint. You have the gift of time, use it well.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

You will be fine.

I look forward to speaking with you again.

DnJ
3 37 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Originally Posted by FlySolo
I found out my H started dating about 7 months after he MO - I ran into them on a date. It was awful. It brought back all the same confusion, pain and anguish of the initial BD. But, after much soul searching (and a less than dignified confrontation) I decided dating was something he needed to do as part of whatever journey he is on. How was he ever going to work out if the grass is greener if he doesn't walk on the grass?

I don't know where the dating led too. I suspect it led to no-where. But either way I left him to it.


That is mature, but an interesting dichotomy for me. On the one hand, what you say is true. Maybe they would realize the grass isn't greener (maybe it is). However, I struggle with it. Would I want to reconcile with somebody who only wants me back because they couldn't find anybody better?
32 937 Read More
Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
Hello.....

In regard to the mortgage, it was in both of our names. It was a way to help establish some credit for H, as he did not grow up in this country, and didn't have established credit.

For me its a big pill to swallow knowing that I made every mortgage payment for 9 years, and then years later BD happens. He didn't want me to sell the house after BD, and when he found out I was going to, he said he would not ask me for any of the money from the sale of it.

H was supposed to call tonight to get the dog since I am working the next 3 days....this should come as no surprise.....he didn't call. I had a feeling he wouldn't.

I know that the last conversation I had with him was pretty pitiful on my part. And yes, I do want him to know how I feel, but as Job has said he does know how I feel, I just need to let him do his thing and figure himself out.

When I do speak to him he sounds so put together and really has himself convinced. Honestly it is almost difficult to listen to him speak because he talks like he knows it all, and that he has everything worked out.

I have told myself that this is going to be difficult, but I have to really LET HIM GO. I now he will struggle but that is part of his journey and I will leave him to it.

This past week after the conversations I had with H, it put me back to a time when I first found out about his affair. He is spewing very similar things just like after BD. What that tells me is he is not in place where he thinks he is, or where I thought he was. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon.

So, enough about him. Things for me are busy. I have some new continuing education that I am working on in order to get my raise in June. I will be traveling out of town for a few conferences in order to meet the requirements for the increase in pay. I am traveling to NC and will be able to see a very good friend of mine on that trip...Ö.so I am looking forward to that. I also have a trip tentatively planned for July to meet up with a few of my girlfriends who I have know for 25+ years.

As always, I appreciate all of the advice that is given to me. I am very stubborn, and obviously am the type of person that when I get a thought in my head I feel like someone needs to know about it...ÖÖ..and usually that person who I fee like needs to know is H. Not a good choice!!! I will continue to work on letting him go, and do the work that is required of me.

Hope you all have a nice weekend. Here the weather is suppose to be in the mid 80s...Ö.of course I will be at work and wont get to enjoy it frown
26 820 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
I enjoyed your update, DnJ. Your life is full, and all the little details just highlight, at least to me, all the little seemingly insignificant things in life that make up a happy, content, and full life. I get enjoyment out of the smallest things, and to me, that is living a full life. You seem too also. It's fun to try new things, and to do it with your kids makes it doubly so. I had a craving for sushi tonight, and there is a place about a mile from my house that has an awesome happy hour. But decided to stay in. No crocheting tonight, but made another "pillow case" dress!

I'm sure your message exchanges with your new female acquaintance is re-igniting feelings not felt in a long time, and it must be exciting. I miss those feelings, but for now I will be content with those feelings only in memory.

I'm interested in your eye condition. I'm a nurse, so anything that I don't know about makes me want to dig into it. I remember reading about it when you first posted about it. I don't know if you ever posted a diagnosis, but I'd be interested to hear it if you wish to share it.

Sounding well, my friend!

P.S. I love sushi, and am pretty handy with the chopsticks, but I would never pass us a bloody steak!
54 1,500 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
Do something like this:

Mon-Tuesday you
Wednesday-Thursday her
Alternate every Friday- Sunday
74 1,008 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
Hi Andrew.

Ha ha. The safe sex lecture will not be required for some time. Channelling 20S though, does make it seem that I might be missing out on a great talk. Lol.

My current selections of scotch were MacAllan Amber - nice and smooth. The heavy peat smoky one is Bruichladdich Port Charlotte. I went to see the name as I couldnít remember and found that S20 drank it all last time he was here. Had to google it. smile

I got a lesson at lunch today from S18 who is very proficient with chopsticks. I did, after much time, manage to get them to operate with reasonable precision and repeatability. Then I got a cramp in the thumb muscle. Man, that is going to take some practice. Maybe Iíll stick with hamburgers.

Thanks for the big hug my friend.

DnJ
54 1,500 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by gzabetas
But let me reverse the situation for you,. Is there any circumstance where you would do to your wife, what she did to you



You have to understand that relationship issues are 50/50. You have just as much responsibility in how you got here as she does. You were just blind to the issue, just like the rest of us.

The ladies here are dealing with your hypothetical. Their H's needs were not being met. They went to another person to get those needs met.


I don't have "real" numbers but this is my perception:

65% of the poster are left behind husbands with 99% of them having nice guy and beta behavior.
25% are left behind wifes
9% are wayward wives
1% are wayward husbands.


"Nice guys" would not do this to their W, ie all of the male poster here.



nobody should be doing this to their spouses.....
55 1,194 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
Originally Posted by HB_Wife
It is just an EA because the OW lives in another state.
You know this for fact?
35 687 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
Originally Posted by gzabetas
But let me reverse the situation for you,. Is there any circumstance where you would do to your wife, what she did to you



You have to understand that relationship issues are 50/50. You have just as much responsibility in how you got here as she does. You were just blind to the issue, just like the rest of us.

The ladies here are dealing with your hypothetical. Their H's needs were not being met. They went to another person to get those needs met.


I don't have "real" numbers but this is my perception:

65% of the poster are left behind husbands with 99% of them having nice guy and beta behavior.
25% are left behind wifes
9% are wayward wives
1% are wayward husbands.


"Nice guys" would not do this to their W, ie all of the male poster here.

55 1,194 Read More
Midlife Crisis
6 hours ago
Try this one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484776

It still has the original timelines which HB then later discarded, as she learned theyíre not really close to accurate. Each and MLCer will go through at their own pace.
52 1,253 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
I had an interesting therapy session today. I have been debating not going anymore, because I'm not spinning. I've kind of reached a point where yes, I'm sad about W leaving, but I also am moving towards accepting it and I'm generally in a good space.

(I should note: This all changes every time I hear from her. Let's keep me honest here.)

Going to IC doesn't make you not be sad. It helps you deal with the sadness. I'm still sad, but I can just deal with it.

But I now think that the once every 4-6 weeks check-in is actually kind of helpful to me, and today solidified that a bit.
I tend to work things out in my mind verbally, so talking to a therapist really helps me get to a place of understanding.

Today I was talking about how I've been really interested in my own and my friends'/family's Myers-Briggs assessments. I've been watching how these personality types interact differently with one another.

For myself, I'm an INTP. In general, I'm a "hyper-processor". I am constantly examining the world around me and considering it carefully. I don't exist much outside of my own head. I'm always analyzing everything around me. To me, the world is one giant extremely fun puzzle.

In talking about this my IC mentioned that in my case, she thinks my personality type of being a "processor" is in part what has actually allowed me to work through this difficult time. It was an interesting thought, and it gave me pause.

In my recent readings of my Myers Briggs type the personality short-comings have also helped me to refocus on areas I need to grow in. Descriptions have been pretty spot-on for me, so it's nice to have an outside view of ways in which I should focus.

I share this with everyone in case reading-up on your own personality type is helpful to you in your own healing. All types are equal but different. And maybe just being aware of our own strengths and shortcomings will lead to good growth.
50 1,009 Read More
Surviving the Big D
6 hours ago
You're a good person.
63 1,649 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Hurt,

At this point we don't have a schedule.
It will be in place starting wednesday next week, when she moves out.

Well, she has proposed that our D will be with her Sunday morning to Thursday morning and then with me from Thursday evening to Sunday morning.

That would mean that my friday and saturday will be with my daughter and I would love to do that, but that will also mean that I lose main days when my friends go out to bars and golfing (which in Friday and Saturday).
She chose such a plan because her OMs (Who is also divorced) daughter is with him on Sundays and she wanted to have Saturdays available to her so that she could be with him on Saturdays.

I want to tell her to swap and let me have my daughter from Sunday morning to Wednesday morning.

I am sure she will not agree.

Any suggestions on how I should approach the conversation and how should I put my point across.

I want to tell her that I am joining some classes that will be on Saturday and will not be possible for me to have D on Saturdays. She will reach badly. Not sure what to say and how to react.

Thanks for your inputs in advance.
74 1,008 Read More
Midlife Crisis
6 hours ago
D - Giant bro hug to you my friend.

I'm very glad that you are exploring new experiences. As someone who has trod this path before you, I'd suggest looking at your upcoming date with K as an opportunity to meet a new friend. No expectations beyond a pleasant evening out. I do expect that the safe sex lecture is some time out smile I can channel 20S if you like.

It's a shame about that single malt sitting in your cupboard. I have a fondness for such things, one of my favourites being Oldbury Sheep Dip which the Ontario LCBO promptly discontinued after I found that I quite liked it. It does give you something to look forward to though when you feel the time is right to indulge responsibly.

As far as chopsticks go, I had considered myself proficient with them but D26 and I went out for Dim Sum recently and I was completely unable to manage the pot stickers we ordered so any success is to be considered a triumph.

I'll leave it to the actual medical professionals here like KML to comment on your prescription but as we both know, following doctors instructions is key to having the treatment work. It sounds like you are accepting the opinions of qualified professionals and doing what you are told.

You have so very much to be proud of in your Wonderful Life my friend. As a piece of homework, there is a story that I would often relate from a favourite author about knowing where your boots are. I do believe you have the answer to that question.
54 1,500 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 11:28 PM
Originally Posted by gzabetas
bubbs16 apparently not it seems.
some women want more. the fantasy. the romance., i get it,.

Ready2change I value your opinion as AnotherStander's but they come from a place of arguing that where there's smoke there is a fire. (referring to the linked post) And there is some truth to that.

But let me reverse the situation for you,. Is there any circumstance where you would do to your wife, what she did to you,.
Lets say she crossed that hypothetical line of things that made you die inside similar to the WW story we read.
She neglected you, didnt give you sex, or cook or whatever your boundaries were.
Would you really drop her like a hot potato, ask her for alimony, consider her dead to you, no regards to her feelings, sleep around and on and on. From the writings of your members I do not see that quality of men here.

I know at the first instance of my wife crying I would have run to fix anything. She saw me crying like she saw paint drying.,

She was dropping hints I understand, but when it comes to spewing, or talking to her lawyer she is very verbose to get whats coming to her, WHy wasnt she verbose when things could have been repaired.

I will also add something Wayne Dyer said once. A person is judged by their output.
An orange will always produce orange juice. Its in the nature of the fruit., When pressed, it will produce orange juice.
A person with all animosity inside them is waiting to unleash all terror on their unsuspecting spouse.

Hence you see a selection of wives sticking by men who do them wrong beyond reason. Cheaters, beaters, drug takers, gamblers, controllers, anger issues....
And others who will leave cause "they didnt get their pony" so to say.

Not all people have the same depth and empathy.

I am getting ready to migrate again to find work to support the alimony and my sons future.
She is on a mission to find herself, and the love of other men.

I am looking at the big picture. She wants to smell the daisies now. I cant argue with that.



well some men would probably do that yes. We cant be sexist . It def seems like there is something inside women though for sure. I was there for my wife when her mom passed away and it wrecked her world for years and years. came home crying daily and lock herself in the bedroom. I didn't turn my heart cold or bitter towards her and run away . I stood behind her and was there for her when she struggled. This lasted YEARS by the way . I wont say it didn't cause issues but i never left her thats for dang sure. I didn't give her the emapthy she needed though probably for us not ever being able to get pregnant. I will admit to that. I wasn't there for her. Then they just leave you like you were nothing to them.
55 1,194 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 11:06 PM
Iíve had quite a flurry of activity in my life recently.

My eye appointment went well. It appears, that we need to increase the dosage of my immunity system suppressant. So it is getting almost doubled. Along with that another short term suppressant to get my eye back under control. This one is more risky. I was warned it has physiological effects and should be taken in the morning not the evening. Best to have the drug releasing during my full awakened hours. The doctor said something along the lines of its side effect are not good for when you are trying to go to sleep.

I did ask about alcohol consumption. I was warned about liver damage from/with the previous low dosage, and I have not had a single sip. However, Iíve got expensive single malt smoky peat scotch whiskey just aging in my cupboard. She said I could have maybe one drink a month. I assured her that I probably wouldnít. It does seem a little pointless. However, maybe just half an ounce, slowly slipped and savoured, the smoky rich flavour tasted infrequently would be reserved for very very special occasions.

These drugs can and usually do cause stomach distress. So I am on some stomach preemptive medicine. This needs to be taken an hour before breakfast, and the suppressant within two hours of the stomach medicine. The first suppressant needs to be split into two halves because my system cannot absorb it all in one go, so half at breakfast, and half and supper.

Along with all that there is a calcium / vitamin D over the counter pill. This second suppressant also leaches calcium out of your bones - great! And I have one more for rebuilding from the ongoing damage the pills cause.

The scheduling matrix is from hell. They are not all everyday, one is decreasing every three days, some are weekly, take some when I wake, at breakfast, when I get to work, at lunch, and at supper. I had to program it in to my phone to keep track! Lol.

And with this heighten risk I am having blood testing every two weeks. Oh, and I so love needles!

In two months I should be back to ďnormalĒ - whatever that is now. I would be back to a just one suppressant split dosing and one follow up pill, both weekly. That will be nice.


I had a visit with S22 at his place. Nice big apartment. He took me on a tour, underground parking, huge laundry services, swimming pool, sauna, and billiards room. His building is one of three that are part of a group which share all these services and a courtyard. They are also attached underground to a mall.

Touring his apartment he was proud. He has it furnished, has cutlery (saw the whisk), spice bottles, food, dishes, pots, pans, table, TV, bed, towels, etc... He also has replicas of the three Lord of the Rings swords. Very cool. He had to mount these so he needed some tools. His first attempt brought about the realization for the need for drywall anchors. These swords are thick metal and heavy. Second attempt, securely mounted to the wall. So applied learning in action, he is well on his way, and is doing really well. And he told me yesterday he found employment.

He sent me a text at work explaining all about it. He had been applying quite a bit, and with no replies. Then a tire changing, service type position called him back. Although he has no formal training, he did this work plenty at his farm job when not trucking. That and his demeanour and his good country boy attitude caught the bosses attention and they hired him on the spot. He has a pile of paperwork he is filling in, and then he starts. He is pretty happy, and so am I.

D16 and I meet her new piano teacher. She is a good fit, a real nice lady, who has taught for over 30 years. The music studio is in her large house, where her dog usually sits and watches the students. Very friendly home.

D16 also has her marks from grade 11. Her lowest is choir at 93%. Her highest is Applied Mathematics at 99%. Physics is 98%, well they all fit in that 6% area. Her and I talked again about her future goals, like are you planning on university or something, which have always been - she is not sure. Totally understandable, she is still growing up.

This last time, was different. She is / has become a young woman. My goodness what Mom has missed! D16 is wicked smart and clever. Confident, assured, and happy. She is open and we trust each other. So this time, after such awesome grades, I mentioned that you really need to find a path that utilizes how smart you are. She said with all seriousness ďI knowĒ. She understands and wants to develop further. An internal inspiration, that is something to witness.

S20 is doing well with exams. He got an A in calculus (doesnít know any more marks yet) and is working hard. He went through three study workbooks. He is still looking for a summer job.

S18 has done exceptional in his university courses. Calculus, Chemistry 4.30 (A+), Phycology, Geology 4.00 (A). Still awaiting the Physics mark, he is thinking another A+. He was second in the class of 150 or so, heading into the exam.


The woman friend/maybe to be more and I have been texting a bit. You know I think I might need an abbreviation for her. Letís call her K. It is the next letter in the alphabet after J, however that is not the reason. She is well spoken and grounded. She has worked in her current career for 28 years, a forensic identification technician. She also has a part time job every other Saturday at a town 30 minutes from her. I decided to embrace my fearless attitude and just be me. Of course I donít really know who else I would be. It was more of me realizing - Look your 51 years old, be honest, sincere, and see what happens. Not really a stretch at all.

While visiting S22, he took me out for sushi, eaten with chopsticks. Wow, for an accordion player, I am really poor at wielding chopsticks. Also I am a steak and potato guy, well any kind of meat that is cooked.

During supper K texted. By this point Iíve already told S22 about her and he saw her picture, which got an exclamation of sheís nice looking and acceptance. So with S22 enjoying me entering the dating pool at my age I told her about the raw fish and lack of cutlery. She laughed and figured she would be pretty hungry if she ate with chopsticks.

When I got home, a few more texts. She likes thunderstorms, another great thing. I asked what her favorite meal would be (looking to see where I could maybe take her for dinner). Her reply, anything meat! Oh my goodness!

So next day text I just asked her. I figured what the heck, she did contact me, she has seen my picture, and it is authentic no photoshop or filters, and she is talking to me. I told her I would like us to get together and have a non-chopstick cook meat meal. Apparently her and my humour are reasonably in tune. So, I have lined up a date for after Easter.

I was going to call it just a meeting or a meal, to myself and here. However, she was pretty clear with her initial texts. And I am honestly not going into this with the idea or vision of just a few meetings and then moving on. So ďfirst dateĒ is more sincere and self aware.

On the note of self aware. I fully realize that soon mind and mood altering infatuation hormones are going to be coursing through me. It has happen a bit all ready. The feeling of my heart beating, trying to jump out of my chest. That was pretty nice, an almost forgotten experience.

I am very much in control of what I can control, my intellect. I can influence my emotions and spiritual side, but not directly control. It will be interesting and welcomed to watch and feel my deep self surfacing. Slightly (or a little more) out of control in the best possible way.

I have shared my views and actions regarding my children and what I tell them. I have told them about K reaching out to me and me reaching back, and my asking and her accepting of an invitation to dinner.

This was deliberate and purposeful. I set aside time with each one individually and let them know, nothing formal just worked it in. This is a big change in their Dad, and the closing of a door for an any time soon reconciliation with their Mom, they might have problems with it. Iíve demonstrated trust and faith in them all along, always had open communication regarding their concerns, and I still will.

All kids welcomed this new situation. Each one, individually, was happy for me, thinks K is pretty, and thinks her job is cool. The comment ďIíd be happy with a new MomĒ I think is still very much in play. It is nice my young adult kids are so accepting of everything that has happened in their lives. They all agreed the youngest kid is XW, and she is going to have a problem with this. That is how it was said, from them. They totally see their Mom in her teen form. Pretty amazing.

I did ensure they were ok with the ending of Mom and Dad, the idea of it, the couple; of course it ended long ago. Again amazing kids, my dipping into the dating pool is not like OM and Mom. This is seen as different, because it is. I was husband right up until the very end. Strange to have such perspective children also promoting this. Furthering my listening to the universe.

I will add something Iíve seen in just two days. Some weight as been lifted from my kids. I think they have been waiting, probably unknowningly, for me to get here. I know I am strong and stable Dad, especially in their eyes, and now I can see that they see something more when they look at me. Something good. I didnít expect this.

The LBS is always the role model, do it right.

- - - -

My deciding to venture in to a new place, heralded new feelings and heartache. This was the point when I completely let go of W, the idea of her. My hope for us, became a wish. For a brief while I thought of going back to the familiar, where I was comfortable, where I was in control. Not much growth there.

Decision made, my heart broke anew and not along old fracture lines scarred, tough, and sinewy. Broke just a bit, as it is soft and squishy after all. From this small crack all kinds of feelings welled outward; it was rather startling at first.

Like I told me daughter after her break up with her boyfriend. You and I will risk to love again, it is so very worth it. I feel and know I can and will love again. It is really welcomed to see that potential and move towards it.

I have chosen to reinforce one belief and let another go.

It is time.

It is for me.

DnJ
54 1,500 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 11:06 PM
Thank you neffer.
54 1,500 Read More
Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 10:48 PM
So, Iíve done the right thing in life. I spoke to the ex and his MIL almost died. Actually, she sort of did. She coded. He explained everything to me, had questions and I guided him. I told him that his wife could reach out to me with any questions she has. I guess he told her and she texted me and expressed her sincere thanks. I told her that her mom and family are in my thoughts.

Sheís very close to her mom. No matter the crappy things we do in our life, she is a human facing losing her mom and my daughter cares about her mom too. So I offered my help. I think I did the right thing.

Never saw myself here, Iíll tell you that much.

I finished my first well back at work and this week kicked my butt. I work so hard and long, but you know what? My team and my coworkers are the best. And I do like what I do. Iím starving and craving my dinner , but Iím too tired to cook it, tomorrow I get stuff done and see M tomorrow night. Then Easter with his family . Iím gonna cheat on my diet. Which Iím kicking butt at by the way!
63 1,649 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 10:40 PM
bubbs16 apparently not it seems.
some women want more. the fantasy. the romance., i get it,.

Ready2change I value your opinion as AnotherStander's but they come from a place of arguing that where there's smoke there is a fire. (referring to the linked post) And there is some truth to that.

But let me reverse the situation for you,. Is there any circumstance where you would do to your wife, what she did to you,.
Lets say she crossed that hypothetical line of things that made you die inside similar to the WW story we read.
She neglected you, didnt give you sex, or cook or whatever your boundaries were.
Would you really drop her like a hot potato, ask her for alimony, consider her dead to you, no regards to her feelings, sleep around and on and on. From the writings of your members I do not see that quality of men here.

I know at the first instance of my wife crying I would have run to fix anything. She saw me crying like she saw paint drying.,

She was dropping hints I understand, but when it comes to spewing, or talking to her lawyer she is very verbose to get whats coming to her, WHy wasnt she verbose when things could have been repaired.

I will also add something Wayne Dyer said once. A person is judged by their output.
An orange will always produce orange juice. Its in the nature of the fruit., When pressed, it will produce orange juice.
A person with all animosity inside them is waiting to unleash all terror on their unsuspecting spouse.

Hence you see a selection of wives sticking by men who do them wrong beyond reason. Cheaters, beaters, drug takers, gamblers, controllers, anger issues....
And others who will leave cause "they didnt get their pony" so to say.

Not all people have the same depth and empathy.

I am getting ready to migrate again to find work to support the alimony and my sons future.
She is on a mission to find herself, and the love of other men.

I am looking at the big picture. She wants to smell the daisies now. I cant argue with that.
55 1,194 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 10:30 PM
bubbs16 - No. I've seen this, and it's very informative. I even copied it into a document for future reference. But, I'm looking for the "stages" the MLC goes through. Denial, Anger, Replay....I've seen a few articles on the internet, but wanted to know if there was a good one on this board. Thanks!
52 1,253 Read More
Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 09:56 PM
How you write out your checks is really funny!

I think people define love differently. Some people are more reserved or more cynical or less trusting of their feelings. Others feel deeper or are more optimistic, or more trusting. They think less and feel more. Then you have some that love bomb and use those types of sentiments on vulnerable people.

Obviously we are only reading posts, but B certainly does not sound like a Love bomber.
48 961 Read More
Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 09:55 PM
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Do you tell her the same? If not, how does she react to it?
It took me another week or so and even then I honestly felt that I was stretching things. I knew that I would get there but it was important to me to say ILU prior to our weekend away. To me sex is a "huge" commitment - part of love - and I also wanted her to know that I cared for her regardless of that. She was OK when I originally told her that I needed time and was very happy but not surprised when I eventually told her the same. And yes Ginger it was before the end of 2 months. J9 - you and your Dr have taken a different path and will find your own ways. My own opinion is that once those Words are spoken, they can't be easily taken back.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
For a little bit of clarification....

I used to be all -in. Iíve become wiser and much more cautious. I am all in when I de die I am all -in. Not from the beginning. I need to get to know a person, look for compatibility, etc. Iíve made mistakes in the past, and I work not to make them again. We didnít say ďI love youĒ until 5 months in. And I do not take those words lightly at all. Love is action, not just a feeling for me.

Andrew, how far in did she say it?

J- you do have to feel it in your heart. And for me, saying that word is to continue to keep on loving.

Do you love her, J?
I agree fully Ginger. Those words even if they are "just" words are a commitment. Not as big as a "will you marry me" but certainly the "we're exclusive and I see a future with you and no need to look elsewhere"
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I am getting there G not yet though. My feelings are growing however I just thought it was a little early for B to be saying it to A. I thought you and M said it around 6 months.
There are not rules. As the great philosopher, Captain Hector Barbossa once opined - "The code is more what youíd call 'guidelines' than actual rules."
48 961 Read More
Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 09:50 PM
Just for the record, Iím not judging, A. You guys have a relationship and a speed that works for you. Iíve just learned a lot about being all-in from the get-go. It hasnít served me well, personally. So I decided to learn from what wasnít working well for me.

J- everyone says it/feels it at different rates. 3 months in isnít much. I began to feel it at that point, but I had to give some time to verify love vs. infatuation
48 961 Read More
Midlife Crisis
Yesterday at 09:39 PM
Originally Posted by Label
I am 40YO and my wife is 39YO. We met after High School. Married now for 10 years. Kids: B (6), G (4), Dog (10). We both have great jobs/careers, beautiful family, dog, terrific kids, lots of friends, both of our parents get along so well we celebrate all holidays together (both sides). Our friends all look up to us as the model couple "you're the only couple we know where we both like both spouses." Our marriage wasn't perfect, and I was not ideal - kids, work, home...stresses of life and we took each other for granted and spent all of our emotional energy on our young children. When our second was born, my wife was diagnosed with postpartum depression. That was two years of absolute hell. I went into "service" mode and worked to keep the family and household afloat.

Bomb dropped May 2018. I went on a trip for a weekend, everything was seemingly fine when I left. I came home after four days to the coldest shoulder I've ever experienced in my life. She was a different person. She said she needed space while we figure this out. I asked if there was anyone else, and if she wanted to go to therapy - she said no one else, and yes to therapy. Everyone was shocked, including her friends and family, she had not shared anything with them up to this point.

-Jun - couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, total despair. I dropped 25lbs and tried to focus on work and kids and just getting through. By July I had my feet under me again. Nested the kids at home while we lived elsewhere (friends, family). That continues to be our arrangement 10 months later.
-Jul/Aug - instead of therapy, we went to 'discernment counseling' (google it). We never talked about marital issues. After four sessions she called an end to our marriage. I was shocked. Waiting for divorce papers.
-Sep-Dec - massive anger and rage at anything I do. I took it like a punching bag, and didn't fire anything back.
-Nov/Jan - asks to go to therapy, I say OK. We go, and instead of talking about marital issues, we talk about issues created by the separation (schedule, how to handle holidays, etc). After the holidays she calls an end to the marriage, again. We go skiing together as a family the next day.
-Feb - asks if we can go to mediation because lawyers "don't seem like us." Then asks me to find mediators. I send her a couple, no response.
-Mar - nothing
-Apr - TBD

Friends and family think I'm 1) a saint for hanging in there 2) insane for hanging in there - "your spouse needs to [censored] or get off the pot." I just felt that the last thing she needed from me at this time was a heavy hand.

- She started running daily - was never a runner.
- She has huge mother issues from childhood, so much so she's been in therapy for 20 years to deal with it. She basically hated her mother (and sister), and now the three are best friends
- She has been seeing multiple therapists weekly for 10 months - the old therapist, a new therapist, psychic, hypnotherapist, etc
- Says she lost herself and doesn't know who she is anymore
- Says she still loves me (ie., ILWYBNILWY)
- Says we were never a good match
- Says she doesn't want a divorce but has to do this to find her happiness
- Says she wishes her parents got divorce when she was younger. Thinks my parents should divorce, everyone should divorce
- Says she is barely holding on and doesn't have enough strength for a relationship
- Says she wants a fresh start, wants to be on her own
- Says she needs to find her purpose
- Says she wants to write a book (never a writer)
- Says she doesn't want house or dog
- Says she wants to move to a new city
- Even the smallest thing overwhelms her
- Works a ton 50-70 hours a week. Likes her job but wants to get a new one

I love with my wife, I made a commitment to her and we are very compatible. I feel badly that she is in so much pain and in such a confusing time of her life, and it's frustrating that I can't help her now because I am the enemy. I do struggle with us still not having a conversation 10 months later about what brought us here. During this time I plowed myself into self discovery (daily reading, therapy, this forum (thank you), and enjoying life again. I feel like I knocked ten years of rust off, and started growing again. This will sound like I'm in denial, but it just doesn't feel over. I want her back, but then I think maybe I'm chasing a mirage that isn't there.

I'm not sure I have any questions for you all, but I would like your perspective and wanted to share my story.



this is typical script that all of us LBS get to hear. My w said the same thing ILYBNILWY, we were never good match, she lost herself and doesnt know who she is, needs to find her purpose ETC. I heard those exact things. IT really is amazing how all of our WAS say the exact same thing. Whether they are WAS,MLC, etc

You will hear from all the vets here soon and they truly are a godsend. Stop any pursuing. Do not bring up Divorce if it isn't what you want.

I am sorry you here but the people around here will help a lot.
3 37 Read More
Surviving the Big D
Yesterday at 09:30 PM
I am getting there G not yet though. My feelings are growing however I just thought it was a little early for B to be saying it to A. I thought you and M said it around 6 months.
48 961 Read More
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004