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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
For Newcomers
13 minutes ago
There really was no time off for him to cool off.

Please, his behavior is so unacceptable , you should not be accepting it. You killed houseplants? Come on now.

Please. Go dark. No more walks, no more talks. Set some firm boundaries here.
31 356 Read More
For Newcomers
21 minutes ago
That does sound really hard Hope. I have yet to run into my XH and my kids when he has them and I am thankful for it. They would be fine probably but it would feel really wrong to me as well...especially if I run into them with him and his affair. Ugh...not looking forward to that and Iím sure it will happen one day. I feel better knowing that Iím not the one who should be feeling shame in that situation. I did run into him and her last year...when he was still insisting she was ďjust a roommateĒ...she looked terrified...lol. He just looked uncomfortable and guilty. It was very surreal to be out shopping and run into your husband and some strange woman, who, btw, is definitely an affair down. Anyway... sounds like you handled it well. I am sure your H was not unaffected by your daughterís confusion. He was probably feeling a boatload of guilt...and so he should. Hang in there. Alison is right...it was probably way harder on you than it was on her. (((HUGS)))
10 250 Read More
For Newcomers
25 minutes ago
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
You canít undo what is already done but you can resolve to do better moving forward. A well-worded apology for yelling at her and drinking too much wouldnít hurt either. Then pick yourself up and make today a really good Fatherís Day with your daughter. And maybe stay away from drinking too much until you are feeling more grounded and less emotional. Nothing good comes from drinking too much when you are going through something like this. It just lowers your inhibitions and you really need those right now. (((HUGS)))


You are absolutely right - no more drinking like that. Iím actually not much of a drinker anymore but Iím just trying to numb the pain and be able to act ďnaturalĒ and friendly with the wife. Totally backfired. I did apologize this morning and renig on her moving out and me filing- not good DB but thatís not what I want.
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For Newcomers
33 minutes ago
Originally Posted by CanBird
Tomorrow is Father's Day. H is at sea, has been for 2 months. Our daughter is 3. Do I send him Father's Day message, from our daughter? We sent him a card, which won't arrive for another month.


Yes I think that would be very appropriate. I know when Iím at sea getting anything from home communications wise was a treat. Especially from the kids or pictures of this kids. Most of my time at sea my W would email me daily; until she decided in November that she didnít want us anymore.

Yes email him. Maybe even try to attach a recorded message from her; attachments donít always work right especially if there is limited bandwidth. Perhaps type out what she says in addition. No relationship discussion.
43 522 Read More
Midlife Crisis
39 minutes ago
Glad to hear you have some company for the summer Grace. Sorry you are still struggling with this but you have shown incredible strength and calm throughout your sitch so I know you will be okay...regardless of what happens. At some point, you may run out of patience but as DnJ says, today is not the day. You will know when that changes. (((HUGS)))
93 2,734 Read More
For Newcomers
44 minutes ago
You canít undo what is already done but you can resolve to do better moving forward. A well-worded apology for yelling at her and drinking too much wouldnít hurt either. Then pick yourself up and make today a really good Fatherís Day with your daughter. And maybe stay away from drinking too much until you are feeling more grounded and less emotional. Nothing good comes from drinking too much when you are going through something like this. It just lowers your inhibitions and you really need those right now. (((HUGS)))
58 976 Read More
For Newcomers
47 minutes ago
More journaling.

I've read a TON of posts on here and having lots of ambivalent thoughts. I recognize deeply that I have NGS - passive-aggressiveness, covert contracts, validation from others, lack of conflict resolution, everything. It hasn't affected my professional life much and I don't think it's hindered my progress there, but it's very clearly led my WAW to a place of great frustration and a loss of respect. That breakdown of the trust between us I believe is what it's driving our upcoming S.

We haven't talked in too much depth about the mechanics of the actual S, other than her reciting things that I'm reading on here are very scripted - she's confused about what she wants, she needs space, and so on. I absolutely believe that she needs space but I get the sense that many veterans here would push back on the first point: if she were confused about what she wanted, she'd stay and dig in her heels as opposed to separating. Instead she is walking away and likely getting her ducks in a row, swimming into the deep end of the pool to see what the water is like. She may not be 100% sure if she wants to D, but she wants to S: now I'm left to wonder if the S is more about adjustment, or a sincere lack of clarity on her part. I don't want limbo, I don't want to be a Plan B - it is not productive, nor fair. But I also know I likely cannot confront her on this topic.

It's painful for me to absorb that (and I have to admit, there's a bit of misogyny/assume the worst from women in the subtext that I find troublesome) but the healthiest thing for me is likely to assume that it's over, learn to emotionally detach, and work on myself. These are no-risk things that I am doing to put myself in a better position regardless of her next move because I cannot control her or base my life around her.

GAL won't be much of a problem for me, but I'm having some trouble with 180s. A lot of her complaints historically have been that I've been self-centered, unwilling to truly hear her or understanding her positions, which led to her feeling like an unequal partner in the relationship. This played itself out a number of ways: in our finances, in our sex life, and in our domestic day-to-day. Doing a 180 here feels somewhat against principles though: how can I simultaneously lovingly detach, while also showing her that I value her partnership?

I am a little worried about cake eating on her part as well. She has stated that she prefers the general way we handle our finances to not change: still use joint accounts, and for me to help her with rent on her new place. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable with both, but more so on the latter. She is leaving me: why should I make that easy for her? She's talked to a lawyer about D, in her words to understand the economics of it. This certainly is a strike against her statement of what knowing what she wants, and a strike for this just being an intermediate step. But again, is this worth a confrontation? NGS tells me that it's not worth the conflict, DB tells me to be Alpha and stand my ground, but also not to pressure her or detach. Maybe I'm misunderstanding things.

What's frustrating for me about this is that she clearly sees me as someone who is emotionally fragile. This is certainly very painful for me right now, but I don't believe that to be true. I survived an abusive childhood to be an imperfect but well-liked, successful man. I guess the only thing I can do now is that show that, for myself, and let things happen as they come.

20 368 Read More
Midlife Crisis
51 minutes ago
Happy Fatherís Day to all you stand up dadís out there! I admire all of you who are holding down the fort during your crisis, and being present for your kids. You guys rock!

Iíve been thinking quite a bit about my H as a father throughout the years. In hindsight, I donít think he really had the tools to be an emotionally present dad. Heck, he wasnít really emotionally present for me either for so many years. He had terrible role models. H went out to lunch with D19 yesterday. S21 is at school, so they will ďcelebrateĒ Fatherís day next week. He sent me such a nice note for Motherís Day, I feel almost guilty for not sending him a note. Maybe Iíll just do a quick text ďHappy Fatherís DayĒ. I havenít decided yet. I canít say things I donít believe are true. He seemed better yesterday. I didnít see him more than 5 minutes or so, but he didnít seem so depressed. He said a few critical things about how Iím trimming the bushes, but I just let it go. I wanted to say ďwhat do you care? You donít live here?Ē He said heíd come next week to do it.

I find that Iím patient maybe 75% of the time as far as letting things unfold while I move forward. But lately Iíve been quite impatient. No sure what is bringing that on. Maybe it doesnít matter. Part of the process and all that. Iím angry too that H is not capable of dealing with ďusĒ. With making a decision of what he wants to do. I want to confront him about it, and say ďpick a path that will lead you to how you want to live the rest of your life between now and dead, then do what is takes to make that happenĒ. But so far Iíve refrained and am just pleasant. I know it wonít do any good. I still think about him and OW Ė not a lot, but thoughts about whether they are together at that moment, or whether she is pressing him for a lot more. Tells me I have a lot more work to do on detachment.

Iím under the weather a bit this weekend. Just a fever. Nothing else. But, I feel draggy. Itís raining a lot, too. Maybe that is affecting my mood.

But, Iíve got my baby here for the summer, and she is a joy to have around! Iím thankful for it.

In spite of my mood, Life is Good.
93 2,734 Read More
For Newcomers
52 minutes ago
Happy Fathers Day to all you great dads out there!!! Hope you all have a fantastic day with your loved ones!! (((HUGS)))
72 1,756 Read More
For Newcomers
58 minutes ago
Well, update to my sitch. Last night I really screwed up.

W, D6 and I went to pool together, had a good day. Had some drinks at pool and back home, BBQ, etc. good family day. Ended up talking to an old friend on the phone who went through a divorce several years ago. He basically said ďhate to tell you but if she is having an EA then she is done with you, you need to lawyer up, protect yourself and file and move on.Ē

Iíve been holding so much anger in due to the (texting) EA, I confronted my wife last night and let it all out. I really let her have it verbally. At first she denied it, then when I told her I had gone through her work phone she admitted it apologized. I yelled at her about the disrespect and betrayal. I told her we need to tell our daughter, she needs to move out and Iím going to file.

After sobering up this morning I realize how much I screwed up and let my anger take over after drinking. We talked more about the EA and she confirmed that she was just looking for attention, apologized and told me she would stop texting him. She now is considering moving from the state when previously she was going to stay for a year.

I feel terrible. Part of me is glad I confronted her on the EA but I did it in such an angry way, any small goodwill I built over the last couple of weeks is undone and then some.

I so regret this- please help!
58 976 Read More
Surviving the Big D
1 hour ago
Hahaha! I meant to take something out and I guess I didnít take it out all the way.

I saw him be imperfect last night! While it was slightly embarrassing ( I wonít get into details) I was like ďI knew he was human too!Ē
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Surviving the Big D
1 hour ago
Saw what? No cliffhangers!
80 1,523 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Happy Fatherís Day neffer.

Hope you and yourís have a great day.

DnJ
61 2,066 Read More
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Happy Fatherís Day R678.

Hoping you and the kids have a wonderful day.

DnJ
88 3,761 Read More
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Happy Fatherís Day sjohns

Hope S15 and D13 made you breakfast in bed. smile

Enjoy the day my friend.

DnJ
93 4,176 Read More
Surviving the Big D
1 hour ago
I agree, perhaps 20 something was the last bit of pressure that blew the lid and he vented at his safe place, you.

I do really feel B perhaps should lay off. S24 knows she is willing to help which is great, so now he can go to her when he feels comfortable.

Does he have a hobby he enjoys? Maybe he can turn that into a career. Trades are often undervalued, college isnít always the answer, but learning a trade at perhaps a trade school could give him purpose and a goal to work towards.

Does he date? Honestly, a woman he might be interested in might drive him one day to be independent . I think he knows women like men who can be independent. He may yearn for a lady one day and that will be his driving factor.
21 628 Read More
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Happy Fatherís Day Gordie.

Hope you enjoy the day with your gang of kids.

DnJ
7 403 Read More
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Good Morning roist

Just dropping by. I read along and am curious about your situation as well. Hmmm. Doesnít want to be alone, and speaking about it.

Iím not reading too much into that, as I said just popped in to say.

Have a happy Fatherís Day.

DnJ
42 1,872 Read More
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Good Morning bdp

Sorry about the crushing blow you experienced. You are completely correct - expectations. Keep them at zero. It is hard to do, I know.

Roommates raising kids, thatís how she sees things - for now. Give her space and time to see things differently.

You need to get to a similar place, detachment - more roommate for now as well. You wonít be as nervous regarding the near future or far future either - so youíll know once you find indifference and detachment.

Hoping you have a Happy Fatherís Day.

DnJ
67 1,744 Read More
Midlife Crisis
1 hour ago
Good Morning Hamburg

Single - a strange feeling indeed.

You are spot on about being numb. We do worry that will we be upset and things will be so much worst than they actually turn out to be. Once the divorce is final, thatís it - no more worry - all those feelings have nothing to gain purchase too within you. Pretty strange at first. It does take time to settle in to your new normal.

You now have first hand experience seeing how emotions get uncoupled from a future event. The irrational has nothing to hold on to anymore. See this, understand this, and apply it to other areas in your life; the fears.

This doesnít remove feelings, in fact quite the opposite. It brings about acceptance, removes paralysis, and ushers in such a freedom and forgiveness. You feel more, and it doesnít hurt.

Have a wonderful Fatherís Day. Enjoy your weekend trip with the kids.

DnJ
37 1,238 Read More
Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
Very talkative and happy little boy. You can tell he is an only kid though just with how he acts. I could tell he used to the world revolving around him. Not that it was a bad thing but you could tell he was used to getting his way or trying to control the situation. I noticed it with his mom and not anything towards my girls. I think he could benefit from playing with other kids which he doesn't get a lot of time doing unless he is at school. The Dr. openly admits she hasn't expanded his social circles and most of his time is spent around adults.

That said he didn't seem like a little a-hole, he is not into sports, he does cub-scouts, can speak Spanish and is very cute and smart.

I also noticed that the dr. is very sensitive to his schedule, any bug bite he gets, he only likes certain types of food, etc. A little annoying as I don't if it has to do with him being an only kid and being caudled or that is who he is and since she is a DR. is overly critical about anything that impacts him or her.
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Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
Good Morning Andrew

Having lived through three boys telling me they are moving out, I will give my view.

I used the words ďtelling meĒ and not asking or discussing, because that is what they do. All my boys went through a stage where they messed up the nest, a precursor to actually leaving. Making things a bit worst, so leaving is a bit easier. And by a bit - yeah that is a relative term. At the time it was, what the ___ is going on? On the other side, it doesnít look so bad - relativity, not just a space time thing. smile

Also they are growing up and realizing and accepting all that responsibility. Stepping out of the shadow of a parent is difficult. They push away. Doníy worry, they turn back around reasonably soon. They become adults and our relationship becomes more adult to adult than child to parent. That is probably harder on us than them.

I suspect S24ís rant is due to a variety of factors. Growing up, pushing away, his ĎMom, his Dad, B, work, car payments, and so on - you know life and the pressures of it. He is grappling to find his way, and his place.

I wouldnít get to hung up on why, focus more on how - like how can I help him through this. Realizing you can not control him; just inspire and gently steer.

Take him driving. The car is an awesome place for discussions. Let him control the car and the conversation, he will open up and let you know - when he is ready - just be sincere and listen. And you got that down pat, so no worries.

Besides, he will tell you the why eventually.

Well thatís my take on things. I am very glad to see that he ďtold you offĒ; he vented to who he sees as the safe and stable person in his life. Well done Andrew, even though it probably doesnít feel like it right now - it gets better, honest.

Be prepared to listen and accept whatever he is feeling, the next time you wonít be caught off guard as much and it will be more productive.

I think kids rebel the most against the authority figure they respect the most.

Hoping you have a wonderful Fatherís Day.

DnJ
21 628 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Funnily enough, my H was telling me he's planning a couple of nights off alcohol this week (probably because he's seeing his brother Monday and they usually have a huge binge, probably also because he has a huge work thing on this week and needs to think straight). I've stopped commenting on H's drinking, I know it's excessive and damaging his health and his happiness, but there's no point in me saying anything because it is counterproductive. They have to deal with this stuff themselves. I just said that was very restrained of him.
Hope: I love your new assertiveness and confidence, it's lovely to see. You have PMA in spades and I can see how much stronger you are smile
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For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Alison: your H is reminding me sooooo much of yours right now. Just plain miserable and confused and unable to engage in an R like an adult. And NOTHING we do is ever good enough, because it's nothing to do with what we do anyway, it's all about their inner pain. You're dealing with it well, keep up those boundaries.
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Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
Sounds like it went good.
The kid meetings are nerve wracking for us, them, itís a play date.

What did you think about her son?
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