Well,
My last post is in piecing but that's not working out:
Here's my last post in piecing:
Thanks guys for stopping by.
H is coming home today from a weeek trip. He shared with me last night that he wants a D, he just doesn't want all the things that come with it...i.e... destroying lives, financial issues, me taking the kids across the country to live.
He ask me at one point don't I know that he likes me?
It's not me it's him... he doesn't know what's wrong.... he has tried .... doens't know what to do.... it's not fair to me.... I deserve to be loved and to love someone who returns it..... he dreads coming home (even though he just said that he likes me)...
So I figure he is coming home and packing and leaving.... seems I have failed busting this divorce.
I am very sad. He will regret this one day.... I regret that when I let he come home he sat across from our children and promised to "never do this again, I will never, ever leave again".
I am sad that the person you should trust most in the world and suppose to be a role model is going to teach them the meaning of a promise is meaningless....
PS.... I am moving back to seperated.
I dont like to see people that make it to piecing only to come back here.
You did not fail.
Sandycay,
Sorry he has not changed. I feel for you and the kids.
I am sorry sandycay.
I can only wish to you peace and joy in your future.
xxx
Stay strong
K
I am so sorry to hear this.
Your H did say one thing that makes sense - It's not you, it's him. He's the one that has to deal with his issues and until he does, he will never be happy.
Sandy, try not to make any hasty decisions right now. Take your time in deciding what is best for you and your kids, even if H doesn't want to be a part of that.
It is definitely him. And until he figures out what 'it' is and makes an effort to work on himself, I don't see how things will be better for him. Sad.
Hugs to you sc, I feel your pain...
Well,
He came home today while I was at jury duty and packed a suitcase and called me at 5 to let me know ... he's done. He's called an attorney and everything.
I had to tell my kids without him here. He's done.
Oh, SC. Wish I could hug you from here....
uughhh and the fact that we ML twice yesterday morning just makes me ill. How could he do that?
I also met him to get the keys back, he didn't like that and couldn't understand why!
I am sorry sandycay, really sorry!!
Sounds like he is running. He made a decsision and rushing to execute it, not to second guess himself. This isnt normal in my book.
What do you want sandycay? Nomatter what you want, right now, he should feel the weight of his decisions and a simple things like the keys is one of the consequences. If he didnt liek that, I wonder how he will take what is coming? I wonder how it will feel to him when he realises he wont be a part of yoru life anymore? You made love twice and he left... God, something is not sticking to this "got to go" mentality.
Stay strong and calm. I know you have experience but I also know that each time the wound gets deeper.
xxxx
K
Well according to him, I am confused because thats just sex. What to I want? Well, to be out of this hole I have been in for to long. For my children to not hurt. For their father to stop his verbal spew on them.... they are the focus, not me like most WAS...... he spews on them.
Maybe he will be happier, therefore a better father.... that said... they want nothing to do with him at the present time.
S said he feels like a weights been lifted of his shoulders. He doesn't have to walk on egg shells.
D said well atleast it will be calme here like last week (H was out of town)...
H brought his own unhappiness into a house thats happy and blames us for making him unhappy... hell even the kids figured out that's a load of crap.
They were saying Mom your awesome... he is the one that's unhappy not us... so much wisdom they have.
We have agreed that we (us 3) are the deal... and we are happy so we will continue to be that way.... we agree that it is sad that we won't be a traditional family... but we (3) are a family and we will be happy and we will survive.
They fear he will never be happy. That makes all 3 of us sad for him. We have loved him so much thru this, sacrificing ourselves to do it.
We won't do it anymore. It's time to move forward and start our lives... lives that matter to each other, love each other, and filled with love.
I love my kids and they love me, this will keep me content for the rest of my days. I am not sad that I tried again because I would have always wondered. Now, I don't have to wonder anymore.
Now, I wish I could sleep... long nights suck as well as the not eating. I will do better with the eating thing this time around but the lack of sleep is terrible. I got about 2 hours last night but once I wake up I am done.
Thanks to all who have replied... I need to hear them... I will reply on your threads soon but right now I can't think of anything to say.
Thanks for being here friends.
(((((Sandy)))))
It makes me angry that the kids were his target! I'm glad they feel safe with you.
I agree with you about trying again. You needed to know that you did everything.
HUGS!
I think it is excellent that your kids are wise enough to understand whose problem this really is. And that they can almost pity him, that is mature, too.
I love how you said it, that the three of you are a team and will love and support each other and stick together. You will grow happier with time and he will probably continue to grow more unhappy. That is what I expect on my end, too...
Still, it sucks. I am sorry and I am here for you. We all are.
My H was mad at the kids in the beginning of his affair. As an amateuer C I think it was because back then, not planning on leaving us yet, the kids seemed to be what stood in the way of his happiness. If we didnt have them, he would just leave.
Last year, and last night even, laying on the couch with my kids, both in my arms, I was feeling I am fine, we are fine, we will be fine anyway. And I am glad you feel and know the same for you guys as well...
K
Oh Sweetie I am so sorry to hear this. ((((Hugs)))), and double to your kiddos...
Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You don't know how much it means... but I guess maybe you all truly do. My kids are feeling humilated that they have to tell friends again and frankly I feel the same. We live in a small community.
I don't know if H will find a place here or further away as he won't fit in here anymore. He has no allies here anymore. He is alone...(unless there is OW) which this reeks of.
Frankly, if that's the case, I hope it's the same one... but only for my evil purposes because I know how it will end up. That's wrong on my part as I know she will drag him thru hell and back just to toy with him.... of course it could be someone new.
But you all know ... he denies and he lies
I am very sorry your H is putting you and your kids through this a second time. However, I am amazed at how mature and grounded your children are about this - which speaks very highly of you!
S4H
He will have an epiphany someday of his wrongdoings. The big question...would you ever take him back?
It is good that you tried and did everything that you could. You removed any doubt in your mind. I just hope that getting bombed twice does not cause you any bitterness in finding future loving relationships.
No way Kerry. I am not bitter. I have learned the meaning of true love thru all of this and if I am capable of it so are other people.
I don't like angry bitter divorced people. I am not one, nor will I ever be one. I am by nature positive and happy.
The question of whether or not I would take him back is not answerable at this point because unless he showed personal growth by attending counseling before he came home it wouldn't happen. I am moving forward with a life without him and if he wakes up in time so be it, if not I will spend the rest of my days happy. I will find love again. Only with true change would I be happy with him. At this point, I see that as a fanstasy or a pipe dream if you will. So, I will not and do not bet on any reconcillation at all. I will be contacting an attorney in the next few days.
Latest from STBXH
He called finally talked to one of the kids and wanted to know if they wanted to go look at a boat with him tomorrow. "it will be fun". To which S says "what's fun about that? you looking for another house"
It seems H is going to spend 80,000 on a boat tomorrow to live on. Great that's what we were gonna do when we retired together... now he's gonna get to it anyway without me. Our dream.... can he dig any deeper into my pain threshold?
Anyway, I am not sure how we can afford another 80,000 dollar debt... but he's says it will be cheaper in the long run. Uuumm last time I checked big boats are expensive to maintain.
Crazy times... I begged him not to sign anything till I talked with my L who is out of town till Mon.
Any advice on how this will affect the settlement?
I think it depends on the state but my L put in the response that any debt happened after date of separation was given to spouse that incurred it. Just make sure you don't sign anything for a loan and the less you know about the boat the better. It will be his responsibility.
Usually once a D is filed, assets are frozen so as to prevent things like what your H is attempting.
I had a sail boat for many years. Not big enough to comfortably live on but for a week or so at a time, but I can attest to the definition of a boat - "a hole in the water into which one throws money". It seemed that whenever I went into West Marine to get some minor item, I ended up spending at least $500 on other stuff.
I am sorry to hear of your dream of retiring on a boat being dashed, but bear in mind that you are young enough to find someone again with similar dreams.
Oh, SC. When it rains it pours, doesn't it? I feel the same way thinking about my stbx building 'our' dream home on the farm and living there with our kids half the time...
This is rough. Not sure if it varies from state to state but here, debt incurred before the d is filed is considered joint debt. Maybe date of separation counts, do you have a way to verify the date of separation??
Well, if it were me I would call the lawyer's office tomorrow morning first thing and tell them what he is doing. They should be able to give you some advice and maybe initiate some action to keep him from incurring debt and using joint cash for a down payment if that is his intent.
S4H
welll the date is yesterday... he will have a hotel receipt. I have asked him to hold off. It's crazy!
I have appointment with lawyer on Monday. H has agreed to not purchase anything till I talk to her about the ramifications. His reasoning for doing this is it's cheaper.... he wont' have to buy furniture and such... but I told him he won't have a home for the kids.... he says there will be enough room to sleep for all of them.
I told him that they would wan tthe kids in seperate rooms based on their ages... and he said that was BS.... but what do I know I told him i am only sharing the facts that lawyer told me about last time. Of course, they are facts and that makes himn nadder because that's real world stuff.
I keep pulling him back to the real world when I discuss bills, housing, and such.... shame on me but I guess I am not gonna stick my head in the sand and HOPE it works out for the best. I am gonna work it out for the best for all 4 of us.
But talks like these remind me of where I need to be and what I need to be doing. He wanted me get a job and contribute which I have no problem with except he forgets the fact that I have stayed home for 15 years while we have fostered his career and he makes well into the 3 figures. So, I will have to go back to school to make that happen. It will take 3-4 years and he didn't like that either. But I think even the judge will make him pay for me getting educated since we have been all about his career becuase we moved so much for it... it wasn't feasible for me to have one and I didn't need one.
Shed a few tears today, but that's to be expected... I have told a few people (friendsz)... kids still dont' want contact and tonight is my D's soccer parent vs. kids game.... so sad she doens't want him there because it will be weird and awkward. I told her I would not go if she rather her daddy and she said no I am really mad at him and I don't when I wont' be..... I know it will pass and I pray that he will step up to the plate to be a nice dad but I have my doubts.
You will definitely be awarded rehabilitative spousal support. Your final divorce decree should have wording that says that the need for spousal support is subject to review later. This means the court may look at the facts of a case and determine if spousal support should be continued, discontinued, or the amount changed.
I think it is best that you have the 2 lawyers negotiate for a settlement. Your H is delusional and will be difficult for you to personally negotiate with so as you get a fair deal. Too much emotion involved on both your parts. Treat the thing like a business deal and all should work out. You H is going to notice his financial situation change drastically because of his choices.
The question of whether or not I would take him back is not answerable at this point because unless he showed personal growth by attending counseling before he came home it wouldn't happen. I am moving forward with a life without him and if he wakes up in time so be it, if not I will spend the rest of my days happy. I will find love again. Only with true change would I be happy with him. At this point, I see that as a fanstasy or a pipe dream if you will. So, I will not and do not bet on any reconcillation at all. I will be contacting an attorney in the next few days.
You are so right on about this. Unless he gets IC things would never truly change. I like the fact you asked him for the keys to the house. He's about to get a rude awakening. How old are your kids by the way? Is it realistic for them to spend that much time (weekend visitations, a few weeks during summer vacation, etc.) on a boat?
You will definitely be awarded rehabilitative spousal support. Your final divorce decree should have wording that says that the need for spousal support is subject to review later. This means the court may look at the facts of a case and determine if spousal support should be continued, discontinued, or the amount changed.
I think it is best that you have the 2 lawyers negotiate for a settlement. Your H is delusional and will be difficult for you to personally negotiate with so as you get a fair deal. Too much emotion involved on both your parts. Treat the thing like a business deal and all should work out. You H is going to notice his financial situation change drastically because of his choices.
Thanks for that info kerry. He keeps thinking he's doing me a favor by paying for the school and I couldnt' help but remind him the judge would make him do it anyway. He doesn't want a lawyer...He thinks it's a waste of money. We maybe be able to agree on things financially. He wants to give me the house and the equity which in this market itsn't much so I will look into that. Also, military retirement, Part of Boeing retirement, Part of American Airlines retirement... problem is that's a long time away from now so I need to support myself now.
He was always good about money before when he left taking care of us. He was more than generous to the fact he went without and we had plenty. That's not fair to him and we need a more realistic resolution. We need to get the financial seperated as quickly as possible because that is what causes hin the most frustration. I understand I am a monkey on his back but I hope to be able to get off as soon as possible and make my own way.... it will just take time. But until I can do that ... We really need to seperate it so it won't be a source of frustration for him therefore, effect our ability to parent our chilren without all the drama.
I am glad that it looks like that won't be the case.
I think it depends on the state but my L put in the response that any debt happened after date of separation was given to spouse that incurred it. Just make sure you don't sign anything for a loan and the less you know about the boat the better. It will be his responsibility.
Thanks Bison... he said he was told it wouldn't effect me if he signed it, but so far he didn't buy anything today.
Oh, SC. When it rains it pours, doesn't it? I feel the same way thinking about my stbx building 'our' dream home on the farm and living there with our kids half the time...
This is rough. Not sure if it varies from state to state but here, debt incurred before the d is filed is considered joint debt. Maybe date of separation counts, do you have a way to verify the date of separation??
I am trying not to dwell on the what ifs... it's not productive for me at all... its just sad. The kicker is ... I run the Harbor daily... right around all the boats.... it's so pretty..now that willl be ruined for awhile
Soon, it won't affect me and I look forward till that time, so until it doesn't ... I just will run elsewhere..... but it's right in the downtown area of our little harbor town.... Oh well....
The question of whether or not I would take him back is not answerable at this point because unless he showed personal growth by attending counseling before he came home it wouldn't happen. I am moving forward with a life without him and if he wakes up in time so be it, if not I will spend the rest of my days happy. I will find love again. Only with true change would I be happy with him. At this point, I see that as a fanstasy or a pipe dream if you will. So, I will not and do not bet on any reconcillation at all. I will be contacting an attorney in the next few days.
You are so right on about this. Unless he gets IC things would never truly change. I like the fact you asked him for the keys to the house. He's about to get a rude awakening. How old are your kids by the way? Is it realistic for them to spend that much time (weekend visitations, a few weeks during summer vacation, etc.) on a boat?
Addie,
My kids are Boy 15...daughter 13... you know it rains where I live a lot during the winter so up here it would be a drag but down in FL there would be stuff to do on boat ya know... you could get in the water and such. Not my problem... our kids have already informed him they dont' wanna spend much time there. My D doesn't like the boat we own now. Of course, she's never been on a boat like what he is looking at purchasing.
It is not realistic to think they would spend more than a night here and there on the boat. What would they do? You can't really swim in the water here even in the summer... it's to cold... It's not like he's gonna take his vacation to keep them in the summer for me.
He doesn't understand that it is not providing them with a home and space to call theirs at his house. They will just be visitors and guest...I am sure it will have at least two staterooms but you can't sleep on a pull out couch in the salon of a boat and feel like your at home. They need that from him but what they need isn't as important as what he wants.
This means I will do the kids 99 percent of the time. That's ok.. they are old enough that I can get out and about and they can stay at home by themselves... shame they would rather do that then spend time with their dad. I really hope that changes and I will do what I can to help facilitate that.
I will have a good relationship with the H for the well being of our kids.
(((((Sandy)))))
It makes me angry that the kids were his target! I'm glad they feel safe with you.
I agree with you about trying again. You needed to know that you did everything.
HUGS!
Thanks Jeff, I hope that quiets down as he finds his happiness... wonder where he will look next... he seems to have lost it again and again and again...etc....
What is the harbor town if you dont mind me asking. Gig harbor?
Have you ever cruised around in the San Juan Islands?
Back in 1979 at night, I was the first to notice on radar that half the Hood Canal floating bridge was missing because a powerful storm sank it. My Coast Guard Cutter was anchored just south of the bridge as we had just picked up our ammo from Bangor and we were hunkered down before we headed back to our home in Port Angeles. Right after noticing the bridge was destroyed, our anchor chain broke which was amazing because we were 327 feet long and the links are huge for a ship that size.
K
Wow that's amazing ... The water there can get pretty nasty can't it. I have never cruised the San Jaun's but it's on the list.
Disclaimer to all who have been reading along:
I am tired, I looked back at my post and see quite a few grammatical errors... sorry for that. I just haven't been in the mindset to proof what I write. Sleep is illusive still. I hate that part because no rest means rawer emotions.
uughhh weekends are lonely! As are the early evenings when kids are busy and I have a little down time.
H surfaced for a soccer game on Sat. but other than that he has been MIA... no contact with the kids or me short of answering a text initiated by my kids.... so much for him "not gonna stiff arm the kids are you this time".
So, I know he doesn't do "alone", so I know there is someone else. My gut has never been wrong. I really don't see his reason for lying as everyone assumes it too. Who does he think he's kidding. At this point, it's like water off a ducks back. It's just immature and ridiculous... and to think he hangs his hat on he wasn't respected and look at all the respect he has been showing his family.... so sad for him.
He was gone week before last and never contacted the kids either. Guess I better start a journal of documentation. I am bummed for my kids, but for me it really helps when I don't have to see him or talk to him. Seeing him yesterday played with mind a little bit but not nearly as much as it used to.
I am excited for the future. I am sad for my past and for my children, but I know it will be ok eventually. I just hate having to go thru all these emotions again, but I am able to process them much more rationally than before and there is no despair and false hopes.
Just journaling!
Plus I saw 2012 last night.... that messed me up too. To much airplane (h is pilot) stuff and heavy duty stuff.. for an action movie.... it really made me overanalyze and feel all weepy. Oh well!
Today church with my kids and then the looooong afternoon.
Still undecided on what to do for Thanksgiving. My C said I should make the decision on whether or not to invite H, not leave it up to the kids. I really don't want to have him here as it would be weird and awkward...but It would be weird for the 3 of us to sit around a big meal. Suggestions anyone?
((((((Sandy))))))
If you don't want H there for Thanksgiving I don't think I would ask him. Unless the kids really, really, wanted him there. I forget how old they are.
I think the three of you can have a fine Thanksgiving! I'd be tempted to change things up a bit, really focus on the things the three of you like, and maybe less on any other stuff. I'd also think about doing something different... try to start some new traditions.
What if you invited friends or other family to your Thanksgiving? Or you could start a new, fun tradition with just the three of you. Turkey day in the living room, picnic style with a pile of movies and games...I'm not feeling particularly creative, but you get the idea.
Now is the time to be true to yourself. Your H made his choice, and he doesn't seem particularly anxious to spend family moments with his kids.
Whatever you do, make it special for you and the kids.
SD
My first Thanksgiving following the bomb was too emotional to spend as parents together with the kids so the kids and I took Amtrak to Seattle and stayed a few days by the Space Needle. Last year, the kids and I went to Ocean Shores Washington for the beaches. And this year we are driving to Vancouver BC. I think I am starting to like the pattern of going someplace fun on Thanksgiving as a single parent.
So, you assume there is someone else? I've been thinking your reconciliation sounded very similar to the one we tried last year. And since my judgement is affected by my experience I didnt want to insist since you said you've been snooping and lokking for clues and didnt find anything. I will be very surprised if there isnt an OW in your case as well.
Which of course doesnt make anything easier and if you confirm it it makes all the deceit and lies hurt like stubbing. Because we didnt FORCE them to come back and they did only to continue their stupid series of disrespecteful choices.
I dont know what to wish for you. In my case, the knowledge she existed helped me regain my trust to my little voice and self.
K
I really don't see his reason for lying as everyone assumes it too. Who does he think he's kidding. At this point, it's like water off a ducks back. It's just immature and ridiculous... and to think he hangs his hat on he wasn't respected and look at all the respect he has been showing his family.... so sad for him.
Been there, done that... Sorry
My first Thanksgiving following the bomb was too emotional to spend as parents together with the kids so the kids and I took Amtrak to Seattle and stayed a few days by the Space Needle. Last year, the kids and I went to Ocean Shores Washington for the beaches. And this year we are driving to Vancouver BC. I think I am starting to like the pattern of going someplace fun on Thanksgiving as a single parent.
S
Sweet, pick us up on your way thru here... LOL
If you love a traditional turkey dinner then I say go ahead and have one! I've made it for just myself or the two of us a handful of years and enjoyed eating leftovers for the next ten days. Or you can go out to dinner if you don't want the leftovers.
I love KerryK's Thanksgiving travel plans. Growing up my family often traveled over Thanksgiving and/or Christmas so they don't mind if I choose to the same now. Vancouver is one of my favorite cities, used to go a couple times a year when I lived in Seattle. Foreign travel that's only a few hours' drive is fantastic!
So, you assume there is someone else? I've been thinking your reconciliation sounded very similar to the one we tried last year. And since my judgement is affected by my experience I didnt want to insist since you said you've been snooping and lokking for clues and didnt find anything. I will be very surprised if there isnt an OW in your case as well.
Which of course doesnt make anything easier and if you confirm it it makes all the deceit and lies hurt like stubbing. Because we didnt FORCE them to come back and they did only to continue their stupid series of disrespecteful choices.
I dont know what to wish for you. In my case, the knowledge she existed helped me regain my trust to my little voice and self.
K
Hi K,
Yes, I assume there is someone else but if there is or is not it doesn't matter anymore. I am ready to live again and stop giving all my postive energy to a black hole as I have done. Reconcillation was good for aobut 6 months and then it had it';s spurts since last year.... ie. trips and jewelery and sweet nothings.... but it was all him trying to find his way back and he just couldnt' . I mean he tried after all.... calling OW on secret phone last year, struggling with his new Not in love with me feelings.... did he communicate those to me which he touted as so crucial in a relationship.....No! Did he seek counseling ... read a book... NO!
I have grown so much in the last few years going thru this. To bad he is still stuck in his own private hell....
When I said yesterday to him..."I know your lying... you know your lying" His first response was "there's no one else... IDK why you think that"
Now notice, I never mentioned what I know.... he just said that first .... so hyou tell me... didn't hear from him all weekend.... "he was just sitting in his hotel room" Yeah, right!
Whatever.
Pearl,
I have always been traditional for holidays. My son wants tradition and my daughter doesn't really care. My S said dad's hasnt' really been into the holidays lately anyway so let's just make it here.... I know he doesn't realize that after the hoopla when all is done ... it may be a little more lonely.
I offered to take the kids on a mini cruise for Christmas but S says no way... he wants to be home on Christmas and states he won't be dividing up his holiday to spend time with his Dad. I think he means just the day off. He doesn't want to spend Christmas eve with him either because we go to candle light service. I hope by then we can work it out..... I don't want the H to be left out... but honestly it's probably not important to him.
Going to see my attorney today. Feeling sick.
I hope your lawyer makes you feel as comfortable as mine did. Divorce is a painful experience. But it is not as painful as the emotional betrayal you have already been through.
How is the weather up where you are? I saw the forecast of Washington getting hit by a double storm with the stronger one happening this afternoon. I sure would not mind getting some 60 mph gusts to knock the rest of the leaves out of my trees (and out of my yard).
You gotta laugh at the weather forecasts for this time of year in the northwest - mine says rain for the next 7 days!
Uhhh, mine says it's going to be 78 and sunny tomorrow.
Oh, wait! I'm not in the northwest!
If you and your son want traditional holidays I think you should and can do it. Why do you think it will be lonely with three of you instead of four? Perhaps as someone else suggested you can invite others over to share in your traditions. Or plan an extra activity like going to the movies (I did that with a friend's family one year in college--who knew so many people went to the movies on Christmas day?) after your usual festivities.
I hope the meeting with the lawyer went well. I'm sorry you have to go through this during the holidays.
KerryK, I heard some friends around Olympia lost power today. I remember a few big storms on Thanksgiving growing up. Once we had to drive around fallen trees blocking the road in Port Orchard only to arrive at my relatives' house to discover their power was out so no turkey for dinner. Major bummer. You'll have a great time in Vancouver, it's one of my favorite cities. Used to go a couple times a year when living in Seattle and just went for Labor Day weekend because we missed it so much.
I have been to Vancouver various times and it is an amazing city. I enjoy it a lot - especially the asian malls and restaurants out in Richmond where our hotel is. This time, I am going to see how well my son translates chinese for me.
I hope your lawyer makes you feel as comfortable as mine did. Divorce is a painful experience. But it is not as painful as the emotional betrayal you have already been through.
How is the weather up where you are? I saw the forecast of Washington getting hit by a double storm with the stronger one happening this afternoon. I sure would not mind getting some 60 mph gusts to knock the rest of the leaves out of my trees (and out of my yard).
You gotta laugh at the weather forecasts for this time of year in the northwest - mine says rain for the next 7 days!
The weather is terrible.... rainy and windy... but that's the PNW... but I have ridden out two hurricanes in FL.... so no comparison. Just gloomy.
Uhhh, mine says it's going to be 78 and sunny tomorrow.
Oh, wait! I'm not in the northwest!
Jeff,
Don't make me come down there and smack you!
If you and your son want traditional holidays I think you should and can do it. Why do you think it will be lonely with three of you instead of four? Perhaps as someone else suggested you can invite others over to share in your traditions. Or plan an extra activity like going to the movies (I did that with a friend's family one year in college--who knew so many people went to the movies on Christmas day?) after your usual festivities.
I hope the meeting with the lawyer went well. I'm sorry you have to go through this during the holidays.
KerryK, I heard some friends around Olympia lost power today. I remember a few big storms on Thanksgiving growing up. Once we had to drive around fallen trees blocking the road in Port Orchard only to arrive at my relatives' house to discover their power was out so no turkey for dinner. Major bummer. You'll have a great time in Vancouver, it's one of my favorite cities. Used to go a couple times a year when living in Seattle and just went for Labor Day weekend because we missed it so much.
Port Orchard... wow you have to drive right thru where I live to get there! Small World!
I know we have plenty of friends and I will make it happen for my kids... but I know it will be tough and lonely and an elephant in the room. My kids and I will be fine but I still feel guilt that he would be alone... but that's his choice I suppose and his family will villian-ize me for not inviting him over... so therefore, I think I will get myself invited over to someone elses house so I am not in the position to invite H over.... problem solved....
of coure, Kerry could just stop by and pick us up the Vancouver escape!
Uhhh, mine says it's going to be 78 and sunny tomorrow.
Oh, wait! I'm not in the northwest!
Jeff,
Don't make me come down there and smack you!
It's only 75 right now....
Oooops! Maybe I shouldn't have said that!
Ok maybe there isn't OW.... just discovered two withdrawals at casinos in the past two weeks for substantial amounts.... DAMN
He told me once long ago, when TDY to Vegas that his friends where going gambling but he wouldn't go because he had been once in college and knew he would have an addiction problem with it so he told me to always make him steer clear of it.
I am not going to talk to him about it though so he can pull cash instead of being dumb enough to get at the Casino... duh they put the address of withdrawal online.
and to think he sat alone in a hotel room all weekend and did nothing... but he's not lying about anything.
It's really no big deal, he should be able to recreate doing what he wants ... he earns a good living ... but when you lie about it... or hide it... it's a problem.
He blatantly lied about taking money out saying "oh the checking account looks weird because I had to withdraw money from it to go TDY because I am over my cash limit on govt card and they haven't reimbursed me yet... hhmmm 600.00 is the limit and he was gone for 6 days last time and fed lunch and breakfast.... 100. per meal makes me wonder if used that money for gambling too.
ughgh
Well, it's official.... I filed today. Mixed emotions... glad that part is over now just on to the paper work.
STBXH and I have appt with L on Mon. to go over things.... which means we have to meet this weekend to sort thru some financial stuff because the more we get settled out of her office the cheaper this will be.... that means I have to spend time with him and just hearing his voice makes me so sad... I can't imagine what this is going to do to my head on Sat or Sun....
It is so much better when I don't have to deal directly with him. Not because he is horrible but because it hurts.
The sooner we get this done the better... the L was very concerned about the gambling.
Are you both using the same lawyer in a mediated divorce?
Well,
Our goal is to do a Collaborative Divorce... she represents me... he will be aware of that and he can hire his own or not... that's his choice.
She and I are on the same page as far as fair and equitable. He makes a great salary and is going to help me get on my feet and he doesn't want to change the kids life drastically.... so far it seems we can work together on most things.
Doesn't seem like there will be custody stuff. The kids are old enough that we will basically let them decide when they want to visit. His work schedule is very complex and fluid (he has no set schedule with lots of travel) traditional doesn't work for us. Plus he knows the kids rather be in our home for the most part.
There is no drama as far as that stuff goes yet. He said he knows how much it cost for us to live here and he is going to continue to pay that.... but instead he will just turn it over to me and lump sum it to me to pay for all the bills and take the responsibility.
The house is under value right now so that doens't help and may be a hindrance. He has even given permission for me to move back to FL with the kids.
Again, he has always been generous and that is where he massages the guilt and frankly we have moved around so much my career tanked in the mist of all thas ... so I am going back to school to change that...I just need his support to get thru that time.
I am very grateful that for right now he seems to financially not want to abandon us. He is being more than fair so far.
I hope he keeps on being more than fair. And that you take this opportunity to go back to school and prepare for a new career.
Do you want to move to FL or did he just offer up that he was wouldn't fight you if you wanted to move?
I could not imagine wanting to move away from the beautiful Pacific NW. No Hurricanes here! Just beautiful liquid sunshine.
Tropical Paradise... South East Florida... snorkeling year round, sunshine year round, bestest friends ever, it's a community that we lived in the kids went to school and we still have lots of contact with... family is there too... including my SIL whose H left her 4 years ago and is still with OW and they are still not D. That's my STBXH brother... and just so you know STBXH parents have been married for almost 50 years!
Headed to L office at 2:30 to sign the final draft... now onto the rest of MY life.
On the only positive note... I weighed myself this morning... I have only lost 5 pounds since he's been gone this time... 7 days ... I must control that problem this time as it was a big issue last time. Oh appetite where are you, plus my runs are suffering!
I am thinking of you, I remember signing my petition...
Hugs to ya...
I know, and nothing is in stone yet.... but I love it there!
Sunshine on my shoulders... make me happy!
Tropical Paradise... South East Florida...
Well from a fellow Floridian (even though it has been years since I've actually lived there) I couldn't agree more.
Hope the appointment goes well and is not too stressful. Milestones like these sometimes allow a flood of emotions to sneak up on you.
S4H
I have only lost 5 pounds since he's been gone this time... 7 days ... I must control that problem this time as it was a big issue last time. Oh appetite where are you, plus my runs are suffering!
The lose of appetite can be cured with a good amount of Dungeness Crab dipped in butter.
Do you go crabbing? I used to do quite a bit of crabbing at the mouth of the Columbia river. I think it is stange that the size limit in Washington is 6 1/4 inches, whereas, right next door here in Oregon it is 5 3/4.
The Ocean opens for commercial crabbing on Dec 1, so look for prices to go down considerably soon.
SE Florida? Is that the Keys? Have you ever considered Hawaii?
I am thinking of you, I remember signing my petition...
Hugs to ya...
Well it was anti climatic which was good... I think I did my cry day yesterday. I did email H this am to let him know and he read the email because I got a return receipt back but he never answered. I said
"Are you sure you want this" Nothing, can't even man up enough to say it.
Also, I ask him the other day the same question and he said and I quote "Isn't it what you want?" Huh... when the hell did I ever say that?
My L said "passive aggressive"... I said "batchit crazy" LOL
Whatever, I will never ask again.
Plus, he sent 3 text to the kids this evening and that was it.
I am sooooo glad he's "not gonna stiff arm" the kids this time.. uggh
Tropical Paradise... South East Florida...
Well from a fellow Floridian (even though it has been years since I've actually lived there) I couldn't agree more.
Hope the appointment goes well and is not too stressful. Milestones like these sometimes allow a flood of emotions to sneak up on you.
S4H
S4H.... I did ok, thanks for the post.... I love it there. I had emotions yesterday. I didn't realize they had to type it formally and then I had to go back and sign.... so today is the official file date... you know I couldn't even tell you the date right now without looking at a calendar. I am so done with crappy dates...
[quote=sandycay]I have only lost 5 pounds since he's been gone this time... 7 days ... I must control that problem this time as it was a big issue last time. Oh appetite where are you, plus my runs are suffering!
The lose of appetite can be cured with a good amount of Dungeness Crab dipped in butter.
YOu are right about that! Do you go crabbing? I used to do quite a bit of crabbing at the mouth of the Columbia river. I think it is stange that the size limit in Washington is 6 1/4 inches, whereas, right next door here in Oregon it is 5 3/4.
Yes, I crab, I think I have a pic on my FB photos, check out my lobster.... totally unfair about the size though.. so many are so close...I could totally make a joke out of size limit and inches but alas, I won't LOL 
The Ocean opens for commercial crabbing on Dec 1, so look for prices to go down considerably soon.
SE Florida? Is that the Keys? Have you ever considered Hawaii?
I would consider anywhere that had any of that stuff to offer... it's my thing. Hawaii might require a sugar daddy though... expensive. I am looking more in the Palm Beach areas
They have crab in Florida (Blue and Stone), but they just dont have the same sweet flavor as Dungeness. Lobster, on the other hand, is right up there with Abalone as some of the best tasting food in the world.
If you need any tips on how to land a sugar daddy, I can ask my X because she seems to be an expert at that. You might need to set your age requirements high. Very high.
Blech Kerry, I'd rather "live in a van, down by the river". It's not that hard to land an older gentleman to spend time and money on you, but oh the payback would be hell... gave myself the shivers! LOL
Spiney Lobster like the one I am holding on FB are very sweet, closest thing to the Dungeness which is the best thing ever. I am addicted to it... and those darn old Red Rocks get in my traps and eat my bait... gggrrrr.
I never got Red Rock crabs at the mouth of the Columbia. Those pesky crab were all I got on a sailing trip up to Barkley Sound on the west shore of Vancouver Island. Big ones and there shells were thick. I think they could have taken my finger off easily if they got a hold of me. They are more difficult to crack and they just dont taste as good as Dungeness.
Maybe I will take the kids crabbing at a nearby bay with a rental boat during the winter break. It all depends on what the weather is like. For now, I will happily buy tasty Dungeness at the store.
This last year, the Dungeness crab was officially designated as the state crustacean of Oregon.
Have you ever come across a
Box Crab? I have one on display in my living room that my dad caught scuba diving up in the Puget Sound.
I hear you on the Red Rock, I just throw them back. The kids and I have a hard time cracking them. Plus, the shells end up all over the kitchen and they cut your fingers up and your right about the flavor.
No, I have never seen a box crab... can you eat them? He looks frightening.
Weird here in the sound the sea life. There are some strange things. It's so different from what I am used to seeing. I have not dove here as the cold water is well.... a little to cold LOL
I believe the Box Crab is a type of a King Crab with shorter legs. I would imagine they are pretty good eating.
I used to scuba dive and dove various places in the Puget Sound and on the Oregon coast. The best of all was in the San Juan Islands where there was abalone. There were some places also that had big Scallops. It is cold, but wearing a suit makes that all seem so warm.
Have you ever jumped in the water in the summer? Even then it is still so cold. I hear that people swim in Vancouver comfortably in the summer as the water up there gets to about 70 from a different current.
The Water is freezing, I have only ventured in on a very hot day and I jumped in once off the boat.... bbbrrrr!
The water here is about 58-60 in the summer.
My pool didn't even get that cold in FL... my kids stop swimming in it when it reached 68! Times have changed!
Well it seems H forgot to tell anyone in his family that he left again... so dealing with the fall out this morning.
Nothing like a phone call from a family member to check in and drop that bomb on them. They are so angry and hurt. They can't believe he did that after me taking him back last time.
Anyway, doesn't do my MOJO any good to have to rehash any of this stuff.... H has really detached from everyone and everything. Too bad for him. His family will love us both and they won't pick sides (which is good for him).
I am currently opening a new FB page for my kids, his family, and my kds friends so I can keep all that seperate from my new life. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable as I move forward.
Last night was a bit lonely as by happenstance I ended up being home along all night.. Big mistake ... but I don't know that sitting somewhere by myself would have made in difference.
I have spent loads of time by myself... before marriage and during marriage.. so it's not that I have a problem spending time by myself... I miss what everyone else is missing. Companionship....
Anyway, maybe if H will spend time with kids tonight I can get out. I have been invited to take Salsa lesson and attend the dance after.... now where's my slinky dress?
I hope that it works out for you tonight and that you're able to go to the salsa lesson and dance. It sounds like a lot of fun!
Well I did the Salsa lesson and the "dance" that followed was fun for the most part. I think I did ok... people bring their on shoes to change into. So I wasn't as serious as some but I laughed a lot. I have never done anything more than club dancing so it was different.
I met with H tonight to discuss financials... it was difficult. I noticed H is not wearing his ring ( don't know why I noticed)
He is willing to just have gave me a number that I need..."He's not going to fight me over money or the kids" UUmmm I said.. "we haven't fought in over a two years... why would I start now".
So, he's ok with me moving back to FL. He will give me all the money I need or want. (Boy, if that don't make you feel like sh*t that someone will pay for you to go away, I don't know what will). I guess I will have full custody.
I told him I wouldn't be able to buy a house in FL due to the tiny details that morgt. companies don't really want to loan money to fulll time student with no job.. "No, problem ... I'll buy you a house and sell it to you for a dollar".
I had noticed more gambling behavior... so at the end of the talk when all papers where put away I said:
S: I have a concern about gambling
H: Ok
S: A long time ago in marriage you told me not to ever let you gamble because you had done it before and you knew you would have a big problem. Now, you have every right to recreate in whatever manner that you want, and you should. But, I have noticed beyond recreational spending coming out of our account. You asked me to not let you do that and I am not asking you to not do that. I am asking you to not let it be a problem. I will never speak of this again because your able to make a smart decision regarding this isssue and I trust you will
H: Okay
Then we said ... goodnight
Then I cried in the car!
Now, I am better... it's just hard now tomorrow we meet with my lawyer.
It is hard for me to imagine what it takes for a guy to give up on his family. I think he is going to regret this decision in the future.
You have my sympathy.
Makes me miss my daddy. He passed away in 2001. I sure could use his love and hugs right about now. Oh shoot... now I'm crying again... This is just one of those days I suppose.
Kerry.. I don't understand and frankly, I guess it's better to be in my shoes than his. The only regret I have is that my kids will have divorced parents.... but I will make it the best divorce I can and grin and bare it.
Thanks for the sympathy.... I know everyone here understands.
just wanted to say a quick hi before i breeze off to bed.
keep the forward steps going sandycay. no need for you to feel miserable or downtrodden. that's WAH's role. let him live it if that's his choice. continue to build on fully and completely taking care of yourself. you will more than likely excel at it and above all it is a pathway to happiness.
Bring glory to His name. Let Him absorb whatever fears you might have.
Ted
Kerry.. I don't understand and frankly, I guess it's better to be in my shoes than his. The only regret I have is that my kids will have divorced parents.... but I will make it the best divorce I can and grin and bare it.
Thanks for the sympathy.... I know everyone here understands.
SC
This is just how I feel! I cried last night, too. The feeling that we just weren't important enough for them to want to be there, well it sucks. A lot. And I have regrets that my kids won't have an 'intact' family, too.
Good luck at the lawyer meeting. Thinking of you...
(((((Sandy)))))(((((BobbiJo)))))
I don't understand it either, but I think the MLCers are a lot like 3 year olds. To them, the whole world exists only to serve them, and no one else's needs, wants, or desires even enter into it. Go figure.
Like I said on BBJ thread:
If there was a McDonald's style Divorce my H would be in the drive thru.
Met with lawyer today. Husband was handed the petition and told he had so many days to respond and look over and such. He pulled it out of the envelope and said "where do I sign". So the clock is ticking as of tomorrow. March something we'll be done.
H is over generous telling L that's hers in regards to my IRA but we will split his retirements 50/50.
I get the nicer car.
If the house sells all the equity will go to me.
If I move to FL or stay here he will pay for me a house free and clear. He will pay it off in less than 10 years. He's going to buy me a house.
Plus he will give me a generous check each month until I am done with school. He told the attorney that... she tried to reason with him about somethings being not in his best interest and I agreed, although she is my attorney she knows that I want fair. But he kept insisting and she would finally let it go.
Of course, not set in stone but it's been the only thing he has been consistent on so far.
So go figure.... he wants me gone so bad ... he'll pay anything to get rid of me.
I swear I am not a troll and I am not a mean person... but it sure makes a girl feel like sh@t!
Sandycay... Wow... a lot has changed for you!!
How old are your kids? Just realized we're the same age.
FL would be a MAJOR move for you, and he's willing to go along w/it, when you have kids? Wow.
He is generous. I don't remember. Is there an OW involved? Sounds like he's trying to buy freedom, and not thinking... And not digesting...
Hey, one positive note! You won't be a broke single parent! We have to have SOMETHING to smile about!!
Be well, my friend!
None of this sounds right. The way he's rushing all of a sudden to get the D, giving you almost everything, not caring if his kids move across the country. Eventually he'll come to regret his decisions big time.
Sandy, I am sorry you are having to go through all of this. Hang in there!
Sounds to me like he's trying to overcompensate to you in order to make him not feel so guilty about leaving the marriage. In his mind he's not as bad a guy because he "took care of you" in the proceedings.
S4H
just wanted to say a quick hi before i breeze off to bed.
keep the forward steps going sandycay. no need for you to feel miserable or downtrodden. that's WAH's role. let him live it if that's his choice. continue to build on fully and completely taking care of yourself. you will more than likely excel at it and above all it is a pathway to happiness.
Bring glory to His name. Let Him absorb whatever fears you might have.
Ted
Hi T
Sorry I don't keep up much anymore to much going on ... losing my mom and now my H has been a pretty hard few months. Now the holidays are coming around the corner and I have some major decisions to make.
I hope you are well
Blessings to you and yours.
Sandycay... Wow... a lot has changed for you!!
How old are your kids? Just realized we're the same age.
Son 15 Daugher will be 13 on Sunday FL would be a MAJOR move for you, and he's willing to go along w/it, when you have kids? Wow.
Yep, he doesn't question it, it's where we moved from... the kids have been in the school district before. H family is from there so lots of family for the kids and I have a great network of friends there. Plus the housing market it so good right now and we were always going to move back there and retire so I have no reason to stay here when I prefer there. He is generous. I don't remember. Is there an OW involved? Sounds like he's trying to buy freedom, and not thinking... And not digesting...
There was the 1st time in Jan08... I don't see any signs except for his erratic behavior...seems gambling could be the OW .... I certainly don't rule it out, but it doesn't really matter if he's porking Big bird at this point... he has now hurt the children and Mommie don't play that. Hey, one positive note! You won't be a broke single parent! We have to have SOMETHING to smile about!!
WE shall see Be well, my friend!
None of this sounds right. The way he's rushing all of a sudden to get the D, giving you almost everything, not caring if his kids move across the country. Eventually he'll come to regret his decisions big time.
Sandy, I am sorry you are having to go through all of this. Hang in there!
Thanks Addie.... where is your thread? He would prefer that I stay here but he's "not gonna fight over the kids or the money"
Guess they aren't worth it in his book. I wouldn't fight with him but if he asked me to not move I might consider but he didn't even do that.
Sounds to me like he's trying to overcompensate to you in order to make him not feel so guilty about leaving the marriage. In his mind he's not as bad a guy because he "took care of you" in the proceedings.
S4H
Ah yes, the typical narraccistic martyr syndrome. He can show everyone how good he is to me thru money. I would give my everything to have my H back in whole. I just don't know why he did so good then went downhill again. He sure fooled me.
Well, we survived Thanksgiving alone. The kids and I ran in a local Turkey Trot (their first) they did great and I am so proud. They have never run with me before. New traditions.
Then we hung out at home, did a little cooking and then went to a neighbors for dinner.
The father called at 1:00 to say Happy Thanksgiving. My son shared with me later that his dad had text him earlier to say the same thing and that my S didn't reply... he said "really who text their own kids Happy Thanksgiving" H never asked to see them or anything. D told me that he told her that he was drinking beer (which she said was weird cause he never drinks in the day and not much at night) and watching football.
Well I don't know about you but that sounds like heaven... who knows if he was alone but I suspect he was unless his OW likes to gamble... cause don't know you know he took even more out today to do that at a Casino. So guess that's his new exciting life... strangers, cards, and who knows what else.
So, that's it... I successfully had 3 glasses of wine with dinner and I was fine... no desire to call H, no desire to cry. I think I am angry. I am trying to let it go for now.
I look forward to the day when my feelings will be nuetral towards H. I hope it's soon.
On the plus side, I don't think I have called or text him first since he has been gone.
My kids don't want to go spend the night with him Sat. night. He wants them to... they dont'... counseler says don't make them...lawyer says to make them..... confusing to say the least.
Any ideas... they are 13 & 15
H wont' force them to come stay with him cause you know he's not gonna "fight" to see his kids. I wonder what he would deem worthy of fighting over if not your own kids....
Why does the lawyer say they have to go? They are old enough to express preferances, no?
Sandy, something still feels off in your part of the world. Cant put my finger on it but trust me, my gut feeling is ALWAYS right!
You'll be ok. Your kids will be ok too. You know it...
xxxx
K
Off in what manner? Regarding H?
K... H is off maybe that's what you are feeling. He's off his rocker. Nothing he does makes sense. He is completely detached from what his fundamental core is.
I don't concern myself over it to much. I am done. I have dropped the rope. He's done. He's dropped the rope.
At this point, (not that he's trying) there is nothing he could do to make me look back. He has lied to me, used me sexually, emotional abused me for a year. There was no need to do this except he is a weak man. I don't like weak indecisive men. He was strong for 16 years and then the last 3 something fundamentally went wrong for him But it is his reality now, that makes it mine.
I grieve the loss of my H, but at least there will be an end to that grieving process. The neutral state I dream of.
Hi Sandy,
I don't think I would "force" the kids to see H. You can encourage them to spend time with their dad but they are old enough to make their own decisions about spending time with him. They may decide to later on when the pain isn't so raw. Of course by that time you may be living hundreds of miles away from H.
You asked about my thread. My last one is in MLC but I haven't posted on there in months. H and I are Piecing but it's been a very slow process. I'll give everyone an update eventually.
After H's PA and S, I too moved across the country back to my hometown where I had left behind a job, family and friends for H's career. My H didn't ask me to stay until a few days before I was about to move. At that point it was too late because I had made all the arrangements and I knew H was still going through the withdrawal process from OW and continued with his many lies. We lived 2500 miles apart for almost a year. He's now been back with us for 6 months. I'd advise you to do what you feel is best for yourself and your kids and if that's moving to Fl where you have support then so be it. Maybe one day your H will wake up and realize he's the one missing out on his kids' lives.
Thanks Addie,
Well the weekend was interesting. I had the opportunity to meet up with a friend and made some new ones. The friend is someone I met while I was seperated the first time towards the end.
We ran a few times together and had dinner a few times back then. I realized at that point this was not a good idea and I was using it as a crutch to make myself feel better. So I stopped contact.
Anyway, met with friend Sat. night at a local Irish pub and was introduced to his best friend from middle school and his wife. It was a nice time and the wife and I got along so well. I think we will probably do some runs together (the wife). It was nice to catch up with this guy as he is simply fun, has a lot of the same interest and no pressure.
He says he wants to run with me someday soon ... so we will see.
I read the book BBJ suggested He just not that into you. Wow, I am so glad I read this. As I enter this new phase it was good reading. BTW- he text me on the way home and ask me to text him and let me know I made it and said the his friends liked me very much. Very nice.
Plus, he called yesterday. Of course, I let it go to VM as I was busy with my kiddos and just sent him a text regarding his call much later.
The kids & I decorated the outside of the house on Sat. It was emotional for all of us. The kids cried... they fought and I had a break down. We kept coming inside to regroup and then we would try again. I learned I can throw an extension ladder across the garage to get my kids attention when they are going at it. LOL
They spent the night with their dad on sat night and were gone all of 43 mins before I got the 1st text saying they wanted to come home. There was some drama there. Hopefully H and I can work together to help the kids thru this. I think the most imporatant thing I can do right now is "rise above" the anger that I have towards H. I know this is the phase I am in but I can't stay there. Its counter-productive for everyone.
I've offered H to come to the house one night a week and cook dinner with the kids and hang out. H is spending so much money taking them out every week..it's crazy. Plus I can now use that time to join the local running club for one of their runs as it's in the evening. So, I won't have to see H and the kids will see that I am forgiving and this is an olive branch I can extend to him until he gets proper housing (or the flippin boat) to live in. He is putting that off until the D is final so since he honored that request and show him the same by letting him use the house for a night during the week. He stays to far away to take the kids to his hotel effiency and come back and forth with all their weekday sports activities.
I am preparing financial documents for our L appt in mid Dec.
Hi Sandycay,
Just caught up with you- so sorry things fell apart. Sounds like your head is in a good place and you've got a plan of action. You thought our situations were similar..well H told me last night he was moving out and wanted a divorce. No lollygagging..he doesn't have a plan for where/how he'll live but he wants to move on.
So I can totally relate to the range of emotions you've been going through and only hope that I come out as clear-headed and strong as you.
I am particularly worried about my girls going through this again. Not sure what kind of fall-out it will cause in their lives.
Anyway- I think you are doing remarkably well! Way to go!
Hey SC--
Awesome the kids ran the Turkey Trot with you! Sorry it was so hard doing the decorating...the kids and I did the small (4') tree in their room last night. I didn't even think about H really, sadly he had distanced himself from doing some of that stuff in the past few years, anyway...
Even though you would rather live in FL, I imagine it DID sting that he didn't ask you to stay, even if it were about him seeing the kids more...that stinks.
Glad you liked the book! I read it and underlined a lot, will have to review it once I am officially back in the 'dating game' again...I had a lunch/meetup with an old college friend over the weekend. He had texted for 3 days to find a time we could get together and talk and then texted me within 20 minutes after lunch to say how much he enjoyed it. I had almost forgotten what it was like to have a guy actually pay attention to me!
Take care as you go through the financial stuff. Isn't that coming up soon?
The financials will be the week before Christmas... Merry Christmas, right.
You know BBJ..... when my daughter is a little older I am gonna let her read it. I so recommend it to anyone in the dating pool.
So everyone has an acronym for someone new so here's mine: FFG
(Fine firefighter guy)
You know BBJ.. I hear ya about being able to tell if someone is into you or not. Really put into perspective how NOT into me STBXH was. It's the little things that mean so much.
How's your Day
Let me know you made it safe
It was nice to spend time with you
Let me be clear in that I am not involved in a relationship nor will I be for awhile. I just want someone to show me the respect I show them and that I don't give a darn what they do out of my line of site. Its' so nice to not have the heavy drama and 24/7 thoughts of STBXH worrying and wondering. I know now I could never, ever trust him. He is broken... maybe forever. But that is not my problem anymore.
I am so glad to be refocusing more on my kids and on myself without worrying all the time. They've been jipped slightly with my involvement trying to make this marriage work.
It's been three years since MLC began and 2 years since the 1st bomb and 1 year since he called her for closure... and this year he left... always around the same time.
I think he suffers from SADD disorder on top of the other issues.
Gambling is becoming a problem
I am tempted to get the book but I think it will bad for me now. So I am keeping away.
Things are going fast in your sitch now huh?
I hope you stay focused and strong. You are going to need it. Somehow, I dont doubt you are...
xxxxxxxxx
K
That is how I feel Totally agree!!!
Hi all,
Just got back from a weekend away. On the down-low. An old high school BF friend has a condo a few states away and we met up with some old school people for fun times.
What a fun time. I met with people I haven't seen in 30 years and got to see my "crush" from middle school. He was my first kiss at a 7th grade dance. So fun I took old pictures from all of us that I had and it was great watching everyones reactions.
OSC (old school crush) is single and the father of (3) he had custody but they are now grown and he has a grand daughter. Plus he is still crush worthy. So will be staying in contact with him. *sighs*
I didn't share with H were I was going ..nor the kids... I didnt' want to put them in them in the middle
I guess it was a rough weekend for my son who was busy with HS activities and church activities this weekend... coincidence that both big weekends for both places.
Anyway, it seems my H told my son "I think something fishy is going on up at that church" "What is some PR!CK trying to become your father at that school or church"
Also, told my son the it was his job to clean the garage now. My H left it a mess when he left. It was clean the whole time he was gone the 1st time... and he got mad at son and made him walk to bus stop in the dark in 22 degrees with only mintues to get there. He is so hostile towards the boy. He also said "you just like being at that church because your not accountable for anything there"
uughghh S is an honor student ... a sophmore taking senior level classes... no electives... pre-cal, Honors english and world studies, Chemistry, Spanish 2, and health. He's an A/B student. He also swims on the VARSITY swim team although he is only a sophmore. He volunteers running the sound boatd for the children's ministrys at church and is active in his own youth group. Never been in trouble. All my adult friends, people at the church, his teachers have nothing but praise for this young man. He is always happy go lucky. He does have some issues in getting homework done but that's it.
Why does H seem to need to hate and berate him. It makes me so mad and sad.
Your H being a dick to your son has to make it so much easier for you to be done with him. And you have every right to be mad. Teenage kids have it tough enough (especially with your son's load) and dont need a father berating them.
That sounds awesome about meeting your first kisser. I bet he can kiss a whole lot better now too!
Sometimes we push away those we hurt exactly because we hate hurting them and we cant have them be loving to us. I've seen it happen many many times. It still is stupid.
K
Your H being a dick to your son has to make it so much easier for you to be done with him. And you have every right to be mad. Teenage kids have it tough enough (especially with your son's load) and dont need a father berating them.
That sounds awesome about meeting your first kisser. I bet he can kiss a whole lot better now too!
Kerry, you want to line up and let me know? LOL He does have a goatee (sp?) now that he didnt' have in middle school. Plus that was just a sweet kiss on the lips way back then... but his lips were still as soft when he kissed me hello on the cheek and goodbye on the lips. AND unlike BBJ's first date kiss.... I didn't want to throw up...
30 years since we have seen each other... amazing.
I am glad you said that about H... it's so true. It's weird..in that it can't get any easier to get done with him because I am done with him. 100 percent and I am ok with it where ever the chips may fall. All this crap he does to my son when he just had a fellow classmate commite suicide is crazy. There are 3 boys in that family and two of the boys have done this. You know how these things carry over in HS.... but can't convince H that's it's a tough time for the boy.
Toot Toot.... there goes the crazy train and guess who is the conductor?
Sometimes we push away those we hurt exactly because we hate hurting them and we cant have them be loving to us. I've seen it happen many many times. It still is stupid.
K
So true K, I'll never understand it and I am glad it's not in my DNA to do it. I see how miserable the people are that do this type of thing.
Hi all,
Also, told my son the it was his job to clean the garage now. My H left it a mess when he left. It was clean the whole time he was gone the 1st time... and he got mad at son and made him walk to bus stop in the dark in 22 degrees with only mintues to get there. He is so hostile towards the boy. He also said "you just like being at that church because your not accountable for anything there"
IMO, your H is projecting anger at S because the SON is being responsible, and the H is NOT. Your H is rejecting all his adult, responsible roles- and the S is painfully reminding him of that. Hence the anger and resentment.
Just my 2.
Hi all,
Also, told my son the it was his job to clean the garage now. My H left it a mess when he left. It was clean the whole time he was gone the 1st time... and he got mad at son and made him walk to bus stop in the dark in 22 degrees with only mintues to get there. He is so hostile towards the boy. He also said "you just like being at that church because your not accountable for anything there"
IMO, your H is projecting anger at S because the SON is being responsible, and the H is NOT. Your H is rejecting all his adult, responsible roles- and the S is painfully reminding him of that. Hence the anger and resentment.
Just my 2.
Damn, you are spot on!
Well, ended up in the dr's office last night with S. Seems he complained to his dad that he was having upper abdominal pain all weekend and the trainer sent him home Mon from practice early. You think H would mention it to me since this has never happened before.
So, i took him to dr and we got blood work, UA, and xray...waiting on results. Now, the kid has never had blood work so when he passed out and convulsed for a good 30 seconds it was a bit weird and scary to see. Me trying to hold a 155lb convulsing boy up in a chair whose arms are drawn up to chest shaking about, and the technician screaming for the other lady to come help... cause the needle is still in his arm... and because he outweighs me by a good 30lbs was difficult.
In the mean time, FFG and MSC guy are texting me... concerned for S.... FFG offering to bring dinner or help in anyway and MSC guy offering support was nice. They both inquired with phone calls last night (3 hours with FFG convo) (45 mins with MSC guy)(the kids were in bed) and text this morning in regards to S. Very sweet. That said.. why do I feel guilty for talking to two men at once? I am not involved with either one... so that's weird after being in a commited relationship for 19 years.
I did call H on way home to tell him of the situation. He seemed unconcerned and said "well, what's everyone doing tonight, I haven't heard from anyone". Really... shouldn't he be the one contacting his kids? Plus, he hasn't called to see how S was last night nor today. Not very in touch with his own S's well being. Thinks he's being a "pussy". He's such a douche!
Could it be that you feel guilty because, if you do get involved with one, that you have the possibility of disappointing the other. There is nothing wrong with working the buffet line. However, when dating, be aware about making detailed comparisons. It is better for you to take time and get an overwhelming feeling that one is the right guy to continue in a possible relationship with.
Only have a minute as I am trying to put kids to bed but:
A) Your H is def. a dick!!! for how he is handling things with your son
B)I hope your son is ok. Sometimes stress can manifest itself in stomach pain, hopefully he isn't worked up over his dad's behavior
and
C) Jealous am I!!! If I ever meet up with Artist guy, I hope to have a kiss that doesn't make me throw up!!!
Oh and my first boyfriend and first kiss (at 16!!! I bloomed late) lives in my town, he is single and still cute... sigh
I wish my first kiss would not have been so memorable. 20 years old and on liberty hitting the town of Anchorage Alaska. Drunk. I had just broken a shipmates nose in a fight and took refuge in the Wild Cherry bar. I was crying because I was forced into the fight. Vulnerable... Rose, a native, spotted me and was on me in a flash. First kiss was a French kiss. Lo and behold, Rose had no front teeth and she was only 26 years old. We were kicked out of the bar (which I think was a strip bar) for lewd behavior. The rest of the night hanging out with her and ending up in a shanty hotel room in the morning was a blur. I want a do over.
Kerry
That is too funny and gross all in the same time. You have the funniest stories.
BBJ
Have you looked up old boyfriend?
Well things are moving right along
STBXH was a ahole to son again last night. I don't know what I am going to do. They only went to dinner and it turned into a big deal. I was out so I had to talk to a crying 15 year old boy for about 30 min. while out with FFG. Poor child .. he knows something is wrong with his dad and he just doens't want to see him anymore. I am really in a mess as to what to do. Conversation with STBXH are really a waste of time and they seem like what he wants in order to start a fight. So I don't want to go there.
On the fun front.... Went running with FFG yesterday and we were supposed go to dinner and movie but on my way to meet hin for a run he calls and says: "Sandy, you can say no but I want to ask you if we can go to a Christmas party my mom's riding (horses) club is having. My mom is there by herself and I would like to go if you would... but we don't have to". So... I said "Yes"
It was fun, the run was great... and before the evening was done he asked me out for next Saturday night. It's for a Christmas party that a couple from his church is hosting. He asked me about it 3 times before the evening was done. He also made me call him when I got home to let him know I made it safe. All in all the "date" was a long one with the run, the drive to his mom's about an hour... and it flew by.
He's so complimentary and with his build I know him slowing down for the run is hard. He's almost a foot taller than me! Plus he is in great shape (did I mention he's been on the FF calendar in years past).
I had to spend sometime with STBXH yesterday working out cell phone seperation and getting the cable bill transferred... blech he dicked out on the cell phone girl and strangly it just gives me peace now. Now, that I dont' have to pretend to like it and that it's ok for him to do that. And there must be some excuse to do that. I feel bad for the kids cause they have no escape and I don't want to them to learn to handle situations with hostility. I will be the better example.
On the SC guy front... still lots of contacts and all my friends back there are trying to get me to come for New Years... which I will see him there. He has offered the plane ticket for me to come.....
Yikes.. I have no idea what to do!
Sorry your H is being such a jerk to your S. It must be awful for S and for you knowing that he has to spend time with a man who is supposed to be loving, supportive and a role model. Blech.
Yay for having two men wanting to spend time with you!
Heard it snowed a tad up there. Hope it helps with the Christmas spirit in your house.
No snow that stuck here... a few flurries and they went away. Back to dreary rain, I fear.
To bad for Son is right. I wish STBXH would just love him, like everyone else does.
The 2 guy thing is weird. After being committed to one person for 19 years .. it's weird.
But I'm taking it for what it's worth.... at this point.... just fun, when I have time. But time is limited cause I am loving hanging with my kids. Our house is filled with love, laughter, and friends and the Christmas spirit! We are active and healthy and life couldn't be in better for the 3 of us right now. The kids are doing well, but as soon as thier dad text or call them you can see the spark go out of their eyes... till they forget about it. So sad...it would be wonderful if he would change back to the awesome father that he can be.
Think I'll ask Santa for that. It would be a good D if that would happen and the sooner the better.
Too bad stbx is bringing the kids down...that is the main reason why I still hope for my almost-x's happiness, bc it rubs off on the kidlets.
Hoorah for 2 cute guys! Calendar boy, huh? Nice....
Sounds like you are movin on up, too!! Wish I was closer, I would run with you! But I know I would slow you down. Still, you would motivate me.
Wow 10 days since I posted last? I am not a page 3 girl so let's bump it up!
After a 3 hour marathon session with my attorney....We hammered out our parenting plan and signed the documents. We have a tentative draft of financials.. they will be drawn up over the holidays and hopefully he will sign them ... he is going to be generous if he agrees. It was a tough meeting for both of us. I hope it will seperate the business of this and help with the awkward dance we seem to have when trying to communicate.
I have let things cool a bit with SC guy .... not him, it's me. Nice man, but I am not interested in long distance. Too bad, he's a sweetie but nice to have a friend in my corner.
On the FFG front.... things have been moving forward some. We attended the Christmas party at his friends house. It was fun. He bought me a Christmas present. Several weeks ago he was saying that he found a gift his father had bought him that he had forgotten about.. its one of those phone valet things where you can plug all your stuff in (phone, ipod and such) and I was telling him I had looked at those several times as between the kids and I we have many cords but could never justify buying it. So he got that for me.... (seriously,. it was a 30 second exchange 3 weeks ago.... I mean someone is actually listening to me?.... I almost needed oxygen to recover...LOL)
Also, about two weeks ago we were riding in the car and we passed a billboard for this really cool show they put on in Seattle...so just idle chit chat I said.... Man, I am gonna do that in 2010.... been wanting to do that since I moved here... so next year...I'm doing it" Again, a 10 second blurb in a converssation... well then after opening above gift...he said ... there's a card inside... so I open the card and it's a gift certificate to the show. (ok.... brownie points are racking up for FF guy... I don't know how to act that someone is actually listening to ME!)
Also, on that same day we were out...we were in the city and I asked him which direction he firestation was.... I get a little lost in the city.... and he said... "wanna drive by there"... so I say sure.... well... we drive over there and he pulls in parking lot and stops the car and starts getting out.... Now, I look and there are about 8 FF guys sitting there looking at us thru a big window.... I said... "uumm thought we were just driving by?" He said.....Just thought you'd like to see where I live when I'm not at home"... So, I got the tour, the once over from the guys at the Firestation, and we left. While we were in there... one of the FF ask me if I ride (motorcycles)because FFG has a big one that he rides to save gas on commute... I said "well, I have in the past but not lately" FFG ... says "well, it's a little cold for her right now and the weather is not good but this spring if she's ready, we'll be going.
Wait a minute..... is that future planning? I just stayed quiet. Last night we got to ride the ferry home (as STBXH had to kids) and Secretcheerleader rides the same ferry so we met her there and she got to meet him. Its good to get someone elses opinion.
Plus FFG was honest in a moment last week when he told me he had a profile on Match... but he said, "I just wanted you to know that I have a profile on there, but my subscription is ending so I didn't want you to think that I am out there looking for other dates right now. I did want you to know that I am receiving emails from other women still and I writing them back letting them know that I am not interested in dating right now, that I had met someone, and to wish them success. I didn't like it when people didn't have the courtesy to email you back. I just wanted you to know that".
Well, cool that he is being honest... but now I need to check out his profile in a couple of weeks to see if he's being honest or not about that. He also added that this is where he is at this time and what he wants to do .... He is not pressuring me to do the same....
I find my self being very reserve, which is good but different. In the past (20 years ago) if someone was being this nice and thoughtful.... I would have jumped right in. So it's nice being in a mature place, able to sit back and observe relationships stuff with all that I have learned in the two years I have been here.
Well ... guess I have posted enough.... I will be moving to the Surviving the Divorce on Jan 1, 2010!
Wow! The fishing for you is good up in the Puget Sound - what bait are you using?
My best friend going all the way back to 1st grade works in the Portland fire department. Good occupation and they can get good time off - 1 day of vacation means 5 days straight off. And they can trade shifts.
Yep good schedule... work 24 off 4 days work 24 hours off 2 days... He has his kids on all of his 4 days off. He was the main care giver when he was married.... now his wife prefers to use a Nanny during his 2 day off as opposed to him getting them. She doesnt' think it's fair that he spend more time with them, then she.......
Kerry.... I don't know about the bait but maybe my STBXH said only one true thing thru this whole ordeal....that I won't be alone for long, that I deserve better than him.... and the very best.... it's not me, it's him. It feels nice to be appreciated!
Merry Christmas!
now his wife prefers to use a Nanny during his 2 day off as opposed to him getting them. She doesnt' think it's fair that he spend more time with them, then she.......
That right there smells of the very essence of batchitt crazy.
Lucky her batchitt is directed towards many other men so other than using the kids as pawns now and then (they have a pretty welll clad agreeement)she is not in the picture.
Happy (thank goodness the holdiay is over) Day!
I forgot to mention what the kids picked out for STBXH:
A BRAND NEW SUITCASE!
Yep and I let them get it for him.... LOL The irony was not lost on him as he commented by saying to me privately "Great, I'm gonna have to leave here with another suitcase in hand". I bit my tongue when it wanted to say "well, atleast we get to watch you leave this time, instead of you slinking out of here like a coward"
The reason I let them pick this was because STBXH travels a lot and likes his suitcases to match so when he pulls into a 5 star hotel ... he looks the part...nevermind that he is not affording the hotel .. his company is but I guess it helps feed the "see how wealthy and important I am (old H would have cared less what others thought). Anyway... got him the carry on and his B day is in Feb ... so I'll let the kids get him the big one to match. It's Samsonite so it's very nice. It useful and I'll be damned if I'm gonna buy him clothes to help him look better. He's on his own with that one.
He stayed a whopping 2 hours and then split as if a fire started here. Very weird and nothing on Christmas Eve.... I think he may be involved with a lady from a Kiosk at the mall. She hawks some kind of nail stuff and evidently my D has seen her and H took her by there...of course just to look at the nail stuff and H had mentioned to me that he got "attacked" at the kiosk the week before and the girl spent 45 min on his nails.... and he bought some stuff.... then and went by there with D and had to go to the mall at 5pm on Christmas eve to get a present wrapped... he lives 20 mins from mall... did'nt have anyway to wrap this present... Now, I think he was just trying to make sure we weren't at the mall. He has mentioned this nail crap at least 6 times in the past week!
Plus, I think he is closing on his live aboard boat next week... although he promised my A and me that he would wait until financial were signed. Oh well, guess I can't believe him LOL.
The kids saw the boat and there are not 2 staterooms; there is one and a quarter berth. Guess they will never have a home with their father. So I guess one can sleep in the berth and the other one can get the couch or the table..... YEEHAW!
Ok...so STBXH was supposed to have kids Sunday and monday night. I have let him use the house to keep the kids at until he has a place to stay. The plan is I leave for those days. Well I spoke with him at 5pm yesterday to plan for this morning practice for our son... as I know EH has to work.
I come home at 7:30am to find my EX left here last night because he would have had to get up a little early to go to work from here.... Same person who got up to fish at 4am.... we are talking about 20 mins early..... YEP.. he left the kids here all alone last night..... Didn't say one word to me.
So I sent him an email that said:
don't know how to address the kids schedule with you evidently. In the future, if your not going to stay at the house with the kids when we have agreed to that, please notify me that you are going to leave them alone for the night. I would have come home rather than S staying in the house alone. When we spoke yesterday afternoon you could have let me know your intention was not to spend the night. It's not a big deal if you don't want to.... I just thought you wanted more time with the kids. I would prefer to know changes in the parenting schedule, as I am sure you would.
As it stands right now, you are scheduled to spend Saturday and Saturday night with them , Jan. 2...... do you still want that time? Please let me know as soon as possible so I can make appropriate changes to my plans that I have already made.
I got a phone call later and he yelled at me for my hostile
email and because I am trying to tell him what to do. and that it is no big deal for the kids to stay at home by themselves. I am at a loss here....seriously?
<~~~ shaking head in disbelief...
I finally have seen a picture of your
STBXH hereYour email was fine.
It probably was rude to just up and leave the kids by themselves, but they are 13 and 15 so I am sure they were ok. I know when I was 15 that I was pretty independent.
Kerry,
the way I see it, it is more than safety. It's leaving the kids, abandoning them alone in their home while their mom could have been with them. Not to mention that such changes/decisions should have been discussed with Sandy.
I think your email was too polite. WTH is going on in his head? Jesus!
Stay strong dear.
K
I finally have seen a picture of your
STBXH hereYour email was fine.
It probably was rude to just up and leave the kids by themselves, but they are 13 and 15 so I am sure they were ok. I know when I was 15 that I was pretty independent.
Dang Kerry, I didn't know he had a self portrait done... now that would have been a great present ....oh and some darts to throw at it...:LOL
Here is the deal two weeks ago we had a home invasion on our neighborhood. This is something we should both be aware of and agree to (letting kids sleep at the house alone)..... I don't agree to it as I am only out of the house because he is in it.... and by my good graces... I don't have to allow him to come here but I know it's short term. The kids are very independent and are fine but that's something that should be communicated...kinda like the first right of refusal.... Do you think he would like it if I stayed out with FF guy all night and left his kids home alone? Sounds different that way doesnt' it?
Sandy. I'm in complete agreement.
Kerry,
the way I see it, it is more than safety. It's leaving the kids, abandoning them alone in their home while their mom could have been with them. Not to mention that such changes/decisions should have been discussed with Sandy.
I think your email was too polite. WTH is going on in his head? Jesus!
Stay strong dear.
K
Girl, I'm just biding time till the documents are signed, sealed and delivered and then I'm gonna make Mike from TN XW look tame compared the batchitt crazy I am gonna unleash upon him if doesn't stop f'ing with my kids..... gggrrrrrrr! To date he has drove wrecklessly with the kids in the car twice due to anger issues... documented quietly, and this is documented quietly... I'll build a nice little file and once our deal is signed by a judge, I can be back in control.
Not to forget to mention that the boat he is going to live aboard doesn't have enough room for the kids to stay on for more than a day or two at a time.
Tick Tock hurry up clock!
Heads up to you up north of me...it is now snowing in Portland and moving to the north.
What ... going to look at my forecast!
False alarm...to warm here....darn!
You're welcome to come here... it's 15 with a wind chill of around 5. Brrrr!
No... Arwen.. you should come here...that's too cold!
SC...
The whole situation sucks, I am reading along but kind of at a loss for words...
Keep on documenting, keep getting all ducks in a row, you never know when they may come in handy!
~BJ
...... Last night we got to ride the ferry home (as STBXH had to kids) and Secretcheerleader rides the same ferry so we met her there and she got to meet him. Its good to get someone elses opinion.
And yes, my DB friends, this guy is a cutie AND seems like a sweet genuine guy to boot!!
......Plus FFG was honest in a moment last week when he told me he had a profile on Match... but he said, "I just wanted you to know that I have a profile on there, but my subscription is ending so I didn't want you to think that I am out there looking for other dates right now. I did want you to know that I am receiving emails from other women still and I writing them back letting them know that I am not interested in dating right now, that I had met someone, and to wish them success. I didn't like it when people didn't have the courtesy to email you back. I just wanted you to know that". ....
And I just happened to be surfing Match and came across his profile, so I had to take a look...... I found his "flaw"....... he's politically "conservative"!!
...... OK, I'm sure that's not an issue for many here, but we already know I'm a card carrying "heathen" ........ so good to know he's not quite so
perfect 
I'm so very glad to see you having a good time, amiga!!!
((((((hugs))))))
LOL why did I call you Secret Cheerleader.... WTH.. I'm such a dork... anyway you like me and I'm more conservative,,,see we are not all bad.
Now you can check and tell me if the profile is gone or not in a week or so.... how to address that one if it's not?
Home invasion? Leaving the kids home?
Uhhhh...I think I would vote for death...but that's just me.
LOL @ LOLA
pretty amazing right?
Furthermore, I don't mean any kind of death. I think death by the slow torture exhibited during a home invastion would be good.
but that's just me.
I can relate to the political viewpoints on profiles. It is perhaps the first thing I check on my daily 5, winks or emails sent to me. I'm not looking for any sort of Mary Matalin and James Carville relationship. I think such a relationship between 2 people with opposing political viewpoints just invites too much debate and no one is going to sway each other.
Thank you, Kerry, for your understanding......
I think differences in view point are great and it's only through the exchange of ideas that we can learn and grow.......having said that, I will also say that I just don't think I could ever be in a relationship with a "GW lover"...... I mean at least having a brain is a must!!
I will also say that I just don't think I could ever be in a relationship with a "GW lover
GW (Global Warming) - I agree also. It does seem like politically driven mad science.
ahhhh Kerry... she means George W!
Well peeps.... my last posting here and I'm moving to Surviving! I am so excited for a future that because of this site, wonderful friends and lots of soul searching and enriching myself with knowledge about relationships and myself.... I know it will be great!
Happy New year and look me up over there!
