Well..new thread time again..Amy and Tomato locked me up this morning (LOL..well my thread that is!)
I will play around with how to fit all my threads in there later, but just wanted to start a new one!
I'm having a sad day today..I think it's a combo of not sleeping well last night, fighting off the cough/cold, and the realization of my hub's trip tomorrow..I just sit here (as I know everyone does this) and think "HOW can he really do this? What in the world?" SOOOO..anyway..trying to get myself out of this "funk"..
I hope everyone is having a good day..was suppose to work all day, from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., but one of the girls is working from like 12-5 for me (I have to go back around 5) so I can give my throat a break..which IS nice!
Tawnya
hey girlie!! i understand the funk, also the lack of sleep! and yes of course the how can they do this..............
hope you get feeling better soon, you are going to need that face this weekend!
hugs to you my dear!
{{BG}} I KNOW you can totally understand..but THANK you for taking a minute to stop by
Tawnya
are you packed? are you ready?? dont ya'll drink to much wine without me lol!!
get some blackberry merlot! yummy!
But, you know, you have a trip of your own planned for tomorrow! And, it's gonna be soo great!!! You just hang in there, lady!!!
Good days are ahead...you just have to get through a few more rough ones!!!
Love you!
Amy
Hi Tawnya,
Wow, #6 already! I'm just popping in to say "hi". I have so much to catch up on with all of you, but honestly, right now I have neither the time nor the energy for a lot of posting.
I totally understand about being in a "funk". I'm right there with you, my friend. I think the holidays are adding to it, as I'm just not "feeling" it, and I'm doing my best to pull it together for the kids' sake. Just a sad, strange time...
Take care of yourself ((((Tawnya)))). Hope you're feeling better soon, not just mentally, but physically as well.
LHS
{{Love}} Thank you, I think the phrase you said "a sad, strange time" sums it up pretty well and I hope YOU will be doing better too my friend..thanks for stopping by
{{Amy}} Yes the trip will be a welcome relief..tho sounds like it will be a busy one and definitely too short
Tawnya
Did you pack? got your mapquest directions? What time are you leaving? How much further, Papa Smurf?
LOL! I am SOO excited about tomorrow!
SMW
Tawnya,
I saw where you wrote on someone else's thread that you were having a bad day, so I thought I'd just pop my head in and offer you some warm hugs and puppy dog licks, since you're always so encouraging to everyone else.
I'm sorry you're hurting today.
Puppy
Tawnya,
Are you having a bad day? I hope you are okay. Please let us know what's going on. I just saw Puppy's post and got worried about you.
Beth
Aww {{Puppy/Denny Crane}} I am honored that you hopped on to check in with ME..I got a laugh, thank you, with the puppy dog licks LOL..my dog that we have..that is HIS favorite pastime..LOL
{{Beth}} Aww thank you my friend..I just feel cruddy with this cold/congestion so I didn't sleep well and I think that and the fact of my hub going on this trip with the OW tomorrow is just not sitting well with me today..I KNOW it's just a trip and something could or not happen, something could or could not already have happened, one trip does not a lifetime make (LOL)..I just feel like what YOU said on your thread where you get "fearful" of hub not coming back to you..I KNOW most days I'm cool and okay, but just having one of those not so cool and okay days
Tawnya
PDT..that last one is your Denny Crane/Alan Shore face isn't it? LOL
(they need a smiley with a cigar for you!)
Tawnya
(they need a smiley with a cigar for you!)
OMG, I was
JUST thinking the exact same thing!!!!! Too weird!
PDT..that last one is your Denny Crane/Alan Shore face isn't it? LOL
(they need a smiley with a cigar for you!)
Tawnya
Like THIS guy:
CIGAR SMILEY
Oh my gosh YES LOL..just like that for you
(Who can we tell that they need to add that smiley?) And..you KNOW, of course, that great minds think alike..I'm just saying
Tawnya
OK..so..confession time..I BLEW IT!! Yep..big chunks of blowing it all over the place this evening LOL
Basically, hopefully I won't ramble too much, but hub was suppose to leave tomorrow on his trip with OW to his parents' house..ok..I knew that..and I had somehow dealt with it in my brain..right?!
Ok..so hub comes home tonight and says that due to the weather he is leaving TONIGHT..and it just freaked me out..all I can say is again..I blew it..I freaked out..I talked to him *yes relationship talk sigh..I know I know*, told him that this chick would always be a "secondhand Tawnya" (I got that from The Wedding Planner last night..but it worked for me LOL)..because anyone going after someone's husband was definitely a secondhand person..in my book
He was perturbed, threw the finances excuse at me, that I'm bad with money, and that he could "screw me" finacially if he wanted to, so I should be glad that he didn't and whatever..just all crap really..
I told him that he may as well take a picture of me, walk into MY mother in law's house with this other woman and SLAP my picture when he does..because that is what he is doing to me..and again how disrespectful it is..and then he tossed at me that I basically "threw him out of the house" last week by saying that he needed to leave because of his actions..(see the pattern of how this is MY actions not his causing this chain of events?)
I did ask him what HE would do if he were me and he looked at me and said, "I thought about that very question and, if you had told me all the things I'd have told you, I'd have packed your crap and threw you out"..and I said, "well be glad I'm not you then
"
NOW..before you 2 x 4 me..I truly truly KNOW that this convo helped nothing..did it hurt anything, I guess I won't know that either..and I can't go too far back from "square 1" anyway..but in the end he told me that he had left extra money in our account for MY trip, that he was thinking about me (aka I think he was feeling guilty) and wanted me to have extra $$, and he told me to have a good time on his trip and I told him to have a good time also.
NOW..what I do know that HE doesn't is that his family is NONE TOO PLEASED about this current event..he called and told them about him bringing this OW up there with him and supposedly they are all in an uproar and MAD about it..now I have to tell you that this SURPRISED the heck outta me..because my inlaws and I don't have the best relationship in the world, it's not bad, but it's not great..so I was actually quite touched when I heard that his sister all but wanted to "kill him and that he better not bring THAT woman near her"..I was like "cool" LOL
I hope they follow thru on talking to him about their disappointment, it may be nice for him to hear this from some other side where I think he may have THOUGHT he would have approval?!
Anyway..such was my evening..which is why I'm still up (going to bed soon SMW and Amy..LOL)..and posting!
Hugs and prayer for a good night sleep for myself and for all of us
Tawnya
Get lots of rest and do not forget the phone number so you can call me if you need to. Drive safely. Call when you are leaving, so I know you are on your way. See you soon!!!
SMW
{{SMW}} GO to bed yourself LOL
Tawnya
Trying to sneak presents in the house!
So..this morning, with very little sleep, I'm still here feeling like total crud with this cough/congestion/bronchitis I have and did I mention very little sleep? I may try to go back to bed and fight this crud off
To top it off, it's super foggy and gross around here and suppose to rain rain rain..blah!
Hope everyone is having a good morning!
Tawnya
And, I hope that you are feeling better and are getting the car packed. This is the one weekend you don't need to be home. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon!!!
Love you!!!
Amy
Hope everyone is having a good morning!
Tawnya
I hope your's is improving exponentially. Feel better dear T.
I am tempted to swing by NC on my way (haha) but with all your congestion we would have to stay pretty low say as to not have an eardrum rupture on ya. .....See it could always be worse
Time to assemble the "Doubtfire" gear.
LOL Tomato..I can't wait to see it! Good point about the eardrum..it would be tough, as they are already popping on their own without flying
Amy..I'll be on my way, but later than expected..as I went back to sleep and feel better than I did earlier today LOL
Tawnya
hey girl, sorry the nite wasnt a good one. i think we must be taking turns!! hope that you feel better, let laura take care of you!
check in ok?
love ya girlie, ya'll give eachother a big hug from me!
Tawnya - I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly. I hope you can take care of yourself and feel better soon. I'm convinced that all of the emotional stress we're all dealing with lowers our immunity.
LOL Tomato..I can't wait to see it! Good point about the eardrum..it would be tough, as they are already popping on their own without flying
Amy..I'll be on my way, but later than expected..as I went back to sleep and feel better than I did earlier today LOL
Tawnya
I will keep up the feel better Tawnya prayers, they seem to be having the desired effect
Hey everyone
Tomato..thank you for the prayers! By the way, I didn't see anyone resembling Mrs Doubtfire!! What the heck?
{{BG}} As per AMY's request, I am suppose to tell you what we've learned by being here for the past few hours:
1) Laura is not as nurturing as we thought, she didn't feed Amy or myself any dinner at all and we were starving AND we had to go to the store and buy our own soft drinks! LOL
2) As per Amy, she said I'm not as SWEET as everyone thinks because she was in the back seat and I would not let her with the childproof locks on the door and made fun of her too
BUT..I DID let her out eventually
So..don't let her stories fool you
3) Amy has to have her caffeine or ELSE..also she is a text message QUEEN..and wouldn't even help carry anything outside because she was busy texting the whole time!
So there you go..our secrets are out and we are having fun!
Tawnya
Tawnya,
quick fly by! Sounds like you are having a better time now! Glad to hear that! Have fun!
Missing you already!!!
Hope you feel better soon.
Love you!
Amy
Hey everyone
Tomato..thank you for the prayers! By the way, I didn't see anyone resembling Mrs Doubtfire!! What the heck?
I am there in spirit my dear. And thanks for providing the updates. Sounds like nobody's humor was left back at the house.
1) Laura is not as nurturing as we thought, she didn't feed Amy or myself any dinner at all and we were starving AND we had to go to the store and buy our own soft drinks! LOL
I would imagine that's because all those kids that she shoved in the closets (to get them out of the way for you guys)..lol..probably "eat her out of house and home" ..as the saying goes.
2) As per Amy, she said I'm not as SWEET as everyone thinks because she was in the back seat and I would not let her with the childproof locks on the door and made fun of her too
BUT..I DID let her out eventually
So..don't let her stories fool you
Ahhh I see ...there is the 'board personna' and then there is the real life one huh. I got it. LOL
3) Amy has to have her caffeine or ELSE..also she is a text message QUEEN..and wouldn't even help carry anything outside because she was busy texting the whole time!
Be nice to one another now ..even on here. Ha ha ha. Or I will have to come down there and starighten things out. lol
So there you go..our secrets are out and we are having fun!
Great to hear. Keep up the fun. Just as I suspected it would be.
Glorify Him always.
T
"And His kingdom shall have no end ..."
Tawnya [/quote]
LOL tawnya thatnks for the updates hehehe. man they make me smile! it was so funny to call laura and have amy answer the phone, I could hear you and laura talking in the background! will call today sometime so i can chat with you too.
thanks for including me even tho I am not there!
love ya all
Tawnya,
Sounds like you guys had a great weekend. Glad to hear it.
I hope you are feeling better.
Hope to talk to you soon!!!
Love ya
Kristi
{{Kristi}} Aww thank you for checking in and I appreciate the "feel betters"..tho I am not 100% better (LOL which I would like to be..remember I'm an "instant mashed potatoes girl"
I ended up leaving my sweeties this morning because I just felt so darn crappy and knew I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me and would still have to do some work tomorrow if I waited to leave then, plus I just wanted to sleep in my own bed in my "feeling crappy with the cold" state
I told them that I felt like I had a GREAT time, as if I'd have spent the whole weekend there, got to have my "empowerment" driving that 5 hour drive and back by myself without getting lost (woo hoo)..got to have some GAL and PMA by going somewhere different, getting to meet my "new old" friends LOL, and meeting some of SMW's friends too..so it was good stuff
Tawnya
hey sis, uh i called amys cell to talk to you, you arent there, come here to sissy and tell her whats wrong!!! we have to get numbers or something. i am worried and love you
well you must have crossed posts with me BG..read up above yours
Tawnya
not fair! i am on dial up my dear! ugh what am i gonna do with you???????????
I sure hope you are feeling better..
It is so important to keep doing things to feel like you are empowering yourself as much as possible. Not only because you deserve it, but also because one day you will realize how truly powerful you are. Did any of that even make sense???
I just know its a really hard time right now. My heart goes out to you. I know we are both in really bad situations. You can call me anytime. I will give you my number..
Love you.
Kristi
{{BG}}} Be kind and loving and sweet?
LOL
{{{Kristi}}} Aww thank you..it made total sense and you are right we can't really FEEL powerful until we've made steps to BE powerful..very cool thought and thank you
Aww thank you, I may just take you up on that..we have to find each other in the FB land..I know..too bad we don't have a DB "resort and spa" or retreat we could all head to right about now eh?
Tawnya
Hi Sweetie, I don't know anything that can make me feel any worse than a rotten cold.
No real 2x4 here, only to remind you that when you lose you cool and blow it with H, then you have given your power away. It is almost as if he feels sorry for you now. I think the New Tawnya has too much self respect to let that happen, don't you? As you saw for yourself, it did not change one thing and it could have turned really bad for you. So, just keep bracking yourself for the worse so he won't catch you off guard like he did this time.
Can't type much tonight. Hands have flared up and the carpel tunnel is giving me fits. Had a bad day with my Fibro, but just layed around and tried my best not to worry about things. That is hard to do, isn't it? But, as I have gotten older I have learned that a lot of things would take care of themselves anyway and the world would keep on ticking if I wasn't here. I have to turn lose of my "fixer" reigns.
Get well soon, sweetie.
Sandi
Tawnya - I am amazed at how well you are doing with your bomb only 2 1/2 months ago.... and the OW on vacation together.
My bomb was nearly 1 year ago - legal separation 6 months ago - and 6 months before W can file the divorce. I learned about BF about 2 months ago... and I just keep thinking about her getting the new BF to start a new family and replace me as "daddy" to our 3 yo daughter. I can't get over that.
How do people get over it so quickly and move on with their lives ? As just a fact of life...Sh-t happens.
I keep living in "Limboland" and fighting to save my marriage against my W's wishes for me to "respect her privacy" and her affair.
I see you fighting back against H's OW - but also accepting the situation as something you can't fight.
I can't live with myself if I had just sat back and not fight to save my marriage... But I have been doing the same "cheeseless tunnels" for 11 months now - bouncing between DBing and GAL and then set-backs where I fight for my marriage.
Now learning that there is no hope as long as the BF is in the picture... even if the affair was over my chances are bleak.
But I continue to feel that our marriage should be given a second chance - at least spend some parenting time together - just to see if things can work out slowly.
{{{Single}}} I appreciate that you think I'm doing well, I had to smile cause of course we don't feel that strong or well while this is going on?!
Single--I feel so exactly the same way about wanting to fight..my stepmom asked me the other day that there must be something I could do to fight..and I told her, "I am doing all I know how to do..I can't MAKE him choose me over her right now, and I don't know how far, if not all the way, he will take this.." I can HOPE and pray that he comes out of his "fog" because, like you said, I don't know how people can JUST get over it..flip off their feelings so "easily"..I will never understand it.. :::shaking my head:::
As Sandi said (thank you by the way), I need to NOT give my power back to my hub..tho everything within me wants to just fight him for him..if that makes sense..LOL..but it just doesn't work..at least not in my corner of the world..so the best I can do is try to figure out what will make me as happy as possible in this ridiculous time of my (our) lives and hope that is enough for him to see and want back..but..at least either way I would be being happy..LOL at my bad grammar..but LOL
{{Sandi}} Well I feel all the more special that you took the time to post to me even feeling as crummy as you do my friend..I hope you are feeling better too
Tawnya
Hi T from T
Have you returned home now?
Hey T back from T
Hope you are doing well and glad you had a good flight week..glad you landed ok in the turbulance!
Yes I am back home..I was so distraught that you didn't show up that I couldn't take it
NO..actually I was miserable and poor sweet Amy had to listen to me coughing during the night..so now only my children have to listen to me LOL
Took my Nyquil and I hope I will be off to sweet dream land VERY soon
Tawnya
let's hope so.
feel better my dear.
good night and I am glad you enjoyed yourself in spite of my not being there.
lol
Well we tried our best to muddle thru without you {{{Tomato}}}
Tawnya
Just catching up. Sorry you wound up ill. Hope you are doing better.
LE
Well we tried our best to muddle thru without you {{{Tomato}}}
Tawnya
And managed quite nicely I am certain. You would not have enjoyed my company ..trust me. I have been fiercely pissed off at anyone and everyone of late. The Lord included
Tawnya,
Just checking in with you. How are you feeling? I hope you are feeling better.
Beth
Hey Tawnya.....How are you?
Aww..how nice to hop on and see all of you checking in on me..I appreciate that
Before I hug and thank you all individually, I had to tell you guys this funny thing that happened yesterday. My hub, who drove up to Massachusetts on Friday, remember he left early because I told him the weather would stink on Friday..he didn't get there until SUPER SUPER way after he was suppose to due to the weather, something about getting stuck in a 4 hour traffic jam, on top of having to drive really slowly in the snow..
OK..so hub called my son to check in on him, cause he didn't think I'd be back yesterday. So I asked my daughter if he called her too and she said yes and I asked what her dad said..she told me how he didn't get in until late and how bad the driving in the snow was and (this is the good part) my daughter SAID to my husband, "Well didn't mom TELL you it was suppose to be that bad?" LOL..I CRACKED UP that she said that..I even asked her, "Did you really say that?" LOL..and she said he replied, "yeah..she did"
That just made me chuckle and figured I'd share
{{{Tom}}} Oh my gosh..you posted! I have missed getting to chat back and forth with you the last bit with your being sick and life and stuff..thank you for checking in on me! I took some Nyquil last night around 10, and sometime between 10 and 11 I went to bed and didn't even MOVE or wake up until 10 this morning, it was NICE!
{{{Beth}}} Thank you my friend, just posted on your thread checking in on YOU..I am doing better and feeling better, definitely not 100% and still have this annoying congestion, but BETTER than it's been for sure
{{{Tomato}}} Aww we'd have cheered you up for sure my dear friend..I hope you don't stay angry..you are much too kindhearted and loving and godly to let anything bring you too far down..look up
AND go get that book The Shack..you definitely need it..(psst..the guy in the story is really ticked off at God)
{{{LE}}} Aww..thank you my friend for checking in on ME with all you have going on..I am doing better and, like I said at the beginning, logging on here and seeing all of your names and sweet posts made my night
Tawnya
Morning, Tawnya! I made it home safe and sound. The kids' Christmas program was too cute yesterday. Sorry you didn't get to see it!
I hope you are feeling a ton better. How did the tree look? I wish someone had decorated mine while I was gone...no such luck!!!!
Love to you!!!
Amy
Good morning {{{Amy}}} Sorry the tree decorating fairy didn't come while you were gone..but hopefully you will get some energy to do it eh?
It looked good..we added some more ornaments to it when I got home that my son didn't put on..but it was good and hey..it was done LOL
I am feeling a bit better..got some decent sleep last night too.
Glad you made it home safe and sound and hope you have a great day!
Tawnya
I'm doing my outside Christmas lights today (finally!). It's hard to get motivated to do it when it's 80 degrees, but today is nice and chilly! So I'd better hop to it.
Just popped in to check on you, Tawnya. Glad you had a good night's beauty sleep!
Puppy
Hi T from T
I liked your story about the convo between hub and your D. Very funny. Plus it was nice to hear that you got some decent rest.
I am still kinda down but trying to make my way through it. I need to read more beginning with the Word and then I will pick up
The Shack which all of you have been talking up.
Peace.
T
"And His kingdom shall have no end ..."
Hey Tawnya,
How are you doing?
I really need to go buy some Christmas presents. But I am so not in the mood.
I just got off the phone with a realtor. I am trying to get all my ducks in a row, so to speak. I need to figure out when to put the house on the market so we can move when the kids get out of school. Now I need to figure out where I want to live and find a new job.
This whole D..really sucks!!!
Sorry if I sound down. I am just trying to get in the Christmas spirit but it isn't really working!!
Have a great day.
Kristi
Hi, excuse me while I hijack your thread to say something to SingleDad. I would go to his thread, but wanted this to be for you as well.
The idea about "not fighting" for the M......well, DB is fighting for the M but in a different way. What other way is there to fight for a R? Is yelling, crying, pleading, making demands.....is that what fighting for a M is? That doesn't work. Every single person that has come on this board who was a LBS said they did all of those things and not one person....NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON ever said it worked! So, that is not fighting......not in a productive way, that is. Going to the OP and getting into a fist fight or battle of words and threats does not work. Oh, if they are M and have a family and are just in an A for the kicks....they may get scared off, but have you won your spouse back? Not likely.
We also learn that in this route of DBing, it is also, if not mostly, about self survival and how to come out the winner in spite of what your spouse decides to do with their life. So, you have the best strategy either way.
I am not being sarcastic and hope this does not come across as sounding like that at all. But, it just struck a nerve in a way b/c I think that is how so many people see this.......just like SingleDad's mother sees it, as though he isn't doing anything. What they don't realize is that it is the hardest battle one will ever "fight".
So hang in there DBers. You are going to get through Christmas and you are going to get through this next year. You have the plan (DB), you have the tools (DB) and you have the support (DB Board). You will come out the winner if you decide to do so. It is up to you. Just as SingleDad said, he can't make his S stay with him or change her mind....neither can DB.....it is up to you. So I hope all of you will stay with us.
Sandi
{{{PDT}}}} Aww thank you for checking on me..according to my mom and a coworker, I SOUND TERRIBLE (LOL..which is sweet eh?), but actually I feel the best I've felt in about a week..and I did get another good night's sleep last night..so hopefully this mess is on its way out! How did the Christmas lights go..hopefully no problems and you aren't outside hanging upside down tangled in your Christmas lights
{{{Tomato}}} Hi T back from T. Ugh I hate that you are feeling down (Sandi this is my new "I'm sorry phrase" it seems LOL)..and I hope and pray that you spend some time renewing yourself in the Word and then GET THE SHACK book
I promise you will love it..there were times reading that when I just felt soooo peaceful..it was very cool! Let me know when you start it/what you think!
{{{Kristi}}} Aww sweetie..I hear you about the Christmas spirit, I was telling Amy earlier today that this is the first year I have been so behind and just haven't gotten into the mood of Christmas, but honestly..also like I told her..GIRL we are breathing and still walking and not in a looney bin, so I think we are doing good to just get THRU this considering what we are all going thru..I hope you feel better by the time you read this now
{{{Sandi}}} Thank you for posting that to me as well..I ALWAYS need encouragement and a good talking to and I didn't read sarcasm anywhere in that post! You know, if you read back to where I was talking to my stepmom, she was like "you have to do SOMETHING to make him listen", and I think by the end of our convo she understood, I THINK?, that I was doing the most and the best I could do just by doing what I am doing. I told her that I had to look out for ME and the kids and just keep living my life and that if my hub gets his head on straight at some point, which I believe will happen (my faith talking!)!!, then all the better, but I can't just curl up and die!
I have spent wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much time in my entire life doing things the wrong way, I was the ultimate begger, pleader, crier, arguer, and it rarely to ever worked while we were happily married and it sure as heck hasn't worked at ALL in the past 2 months..LOL..
It is hard at times, as a "fixer", to feel like you are doing nothing, but, in reality, you are right, ESPECIALLY for fixers, DB'ing can be the ultimately hardest thing we've ever done
And honestly, as crazy as it sounds and I've told many people this, this experience has been the best thing that could have happened to ME..as far as waking ME up to ME..not that I couldn't have done with it happening another way LOL..but..
Tawnya
sandi2,,
I told Tawnya I would catch up on her latest thread, and got a pleasant surprise with your last post.
I've been completely thrown off my game - because I was all set to do X,Y, and Z, and then OM entered into the game. It is a "friend" - no A as yet, seems like basically someone to unload on.
I want to just spread some PMA around - I have been having a great holiday - I have not allowed myself really to think about W at all. Not in a bad way - either, I have been playing with kids, doing laundry, visiting family, eating too much. Even played XBOX and PS3 with my nephews for like 20 hours straight!
I feel so in control and confident - it's unbelievable. I honestly have no idea what to do, so I've just focused on life, kids, God, Christmas, etc.
I have to give credit where credit is due - I have been praying a lot, and really got back on track spiritually!
I will make it through the holidays, and I'm already feeling stronger, and just when I had pretty much given up, W starts paying attention. Sheesh, you know maybe DBing works!
Anyway, this thread sort of reads like the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, so I hope my maleness is tolerated!
So I went out and did some Christmas shopping today, finally..LOL..it was surprising to me how NOT busy the mall was, I was truly expecting a crush of people, but it wasn't like that at all..much worse at Target really.
So at this count my son has: A "for real" drum set, some Diesel Fuel cologne gift set (he is a boy with expensive taste LOL), and I'm going to get him a GC because I want him to have to chose between this hat he wants that more than I want to pay vs a game that he wants..all together those gifts alone cost me more than I've paid for all of Christmas most years LOL..the drums were $$
My daughter has: An Ipod, a car kit for her ipod, a Twilight book, and a GC for unlimited tanning for a month (her request) AND her birthday comes in in 2 weeks, so she will get other goodies at that point..
It's very sad how "little" it seems like I got them, but how expensive it really is for those "little" gifts LOL..my son commented about that a while back, about wanting the drums saying, "I think it's better to have 1-2 presents that are $$ than a bunch of little nothings"..
SOOOO..no "mom guilt" (talking to myself here LOL) about not having 5000 presents under the tree
Tawnya
{{{Tawnya}}},
I'm very liberal with the hugs now that I know what they are!
And honestly, as crazy as it sounds and I've told many people this, this experience has been the best thing that could have happened to ME..as far as waking ME up to ME..not that I couldn't have done with it happening another way LOL..but..
Wow, you just echoed what I've said to people. I feel like I'm so much a better person - which starts to make me wonder? Am I/you wasting all this goodness on someone who quite honestly doesn't deserve it?
At this point, for me, it's been so long that I'm starting to feel a bit of resentment/bitterness creep in, and I hate it so much, but don't know how else to deal with it. I guess it's just letting it go - if you hold onto it, you allow W/H to continue to control you.
Aww {{{{Jon}}}} we must have just crossed paths there. YOU are hilarious with the sisterhood of the traveling pants..I think Puppy, MarriedCrazy, Tomato, Carpenter, and the other guys who post on my thread COULD get offended..I'm just warning you
Thank you for spreading the PMA my way..my hub says his "OW" is just a friendship too..but either way it stinks just the same in my book
I am SOOOO thrilled about your confidence and happiness, I agree that our focus needs to stay UPWARDS and on life, kids, our well being, etc..
I do have to say that, while hub has been gone this weekend, I have felt a bit more "free" if that makes sense, like today I had to go do some shopping and my daughter was going to bring some food home for my son, so I was like "cool, nobody cares how long I'm gone, where I"m going..I don't have to make sure anyone is taken care of (cause they were).." it was a pretty good feeling!
I LOVE that you played xbox for 20 hours straight with the nephews..they must be related to my son..WHO could play that long FOR SURE!
Tawnya
Jon..we are definitely cross path posting..LOL..but you know occasionally those thoughts creep into my brain too..but then I know that God knows the exact right thing for us, and I just have to trust that the BEST outcome for my hub and for me will be the one that happens..
You are right about having to let go of the bitterness and resentment that tries to creep in. Something I see in my hub that I HATE for him so much is that he holds onto things and can tend to be bitter..so I really don't want to see that happen to me or my kids (or anyone on this board for that matter)..it's not a pretty thing and at some point, in some way, it's gonna come out or you'll explode..much better to release it while it's "fresh" eh?
Tawnya
{{{Tawyna}}},
Heh, we'll probably cross again on this!
I guess the thing for me is to remember what W is really like - but I sometimes wonder what makes someone become the "alien" they talk about on here? My hardest thing I'm dealing with is time - I spent 2.5 YEARS separated from W. She has come back several times asking to "try again" and a week later she'd be back to the cold-hearted stone-silent person. I did do the pursuing and temperature taking bit - screwed that up royally.... But I only ever asked for us to go to counseling, and clean up the things she is hanging on to. That is the SINGLE request I have had in 2.5 years...
I think I figured out what is bothering me with OM - I expected to lose my mind with jealousy, but I haven't really been a bit jealous. I couldn't understand what I was feeling, but I think I have figured it out. I'm INSULTED! If the guy was good-looking, rich, talented, big aspirations, etc anything like that, maybe it would feel better to me? I won't start bashing, but the words I just used are the opposite of what you would use to describe him!
OK, there, I got that off my chest while it's fresh... Does it mean I'm arrogant to feel that way?
So, back to you, the one thing I've not been able to glean from your posts: are you in D? Separated? etc?
Jon..LOL..I know it's hard to glean from my sitch in general..but in my husband's mind we are separated, but yet we are still in the same house. Basically when he first told me the "I love you, but not in love with you" bomb..we were still sleeping in the same bed for a few weeks..no contact, just in the same bed..then about 3 or so weeks into it, he just decided to move downstairs to our couch that folds out into a bed and that's where he still stays..except for right now because he's gone to visit his family until tomorrow at some point..
My hub's goal, at least as far as I KNOW is that he wants to get his own place sometime after the first of the year and start the 1 year legal separation we have in this state.
No..not arrogant to feel that way and I've ALWAYS said to my husband that there is no good that can come of me really knowing much about the OW because a) If she's prettier than me, I would hate that because then I'd feel low about myself and b) If she's NOT prettier than me, I'd be like "what the heck"..LOL
Tawnya
I gotta go crash, but you just made me notice a REALLY positive point. W was sexually abused by uncle and sister, and she has major emotional issues with this. A lot of women like that have a "breakthrough", and the person that usually gets dumped on is the closest man in their life. Hah, ME!
Anyway, I remembered when this all started, W said that the thought of touching me made her want to "vomit". She hated me, I disgusted her, and so on and so forth. I knew that she didn't mean 99% of it, but still wasn't greatest things to hear.
I guess, (eternal optimist warning) compared to that, things are pretty good!
Speaking of things in people's minds - W thinks that she is free to date around because although we are married, we have been separated so long it no longer counts, says marriage is "just a piece of paper". Even says she can't have an EA/PA, because we aren't together. This is frustrating, but what she doesn't know is that it is exceedingly damning in court. She has made claims in emails/texts that our marriage was over 2.5 years ago.
*evil cackle* If this ends in a D, I will be in such good shape financially, and she will be screwed royally. I'm sorry that I enjoy thinking about that, but man, it feels good to come out ahead sometimes!
Hi Tawnya:
Just read through your threads...you've come a long way so very quickly - and have an inspiring amount of strength and spirit. You seemed to have caught on to the value of DBing right away - and I admire you PMA.
So wonderful to see you making the most of the holidays for your kids.
-Carlos.
{{{Carlos}}} Aww thank you so much..that made my night right before I go to sleep..so thank you for the kind words..I will take that I have strength and spirit thank you
I know you also will have a wonderful Christmas for you and your kids and that you also have an amazing strength, kindness, and good heart!
{{Jon}} I hear you about heading to bed, as I am headed there too! Definitely not good things to hear and, you are right, things are definitely better than THAT and I agree with you about the other person being in their life..hub even says he wishes, for his own sake, he would have kept his mouth shut about her, because he knows how much it screws him in the financial realm..but..oh well..those are HIS choices..not mine!
Have a good day tomorrow everyone and I hope and pray for peaceful and good sleep for all of us
Tawnya
good night dear!
Much peace and blessings will be steered your way.
T
{{{Tomato}}} Glad to read that you are doing much better my friend and I pray peace and blessings in abundance coming your way as well
Tawnya
I have to say that I dunno if I'm looking forward to my hub coming back home today..I am full of 100 different emotions, I'd love to ask how his trip was (in my normal scenario), but honestly I Don't really WANT to know how his trip with the OW was..tho I'd like to know how his family is..if that makes sense..
And I don't know when he'll be home today, so I have to wonder that all day LOL..and then it's back to the "I'm here, but don't want to be here" vibe he throws off the whole time he's here..
UGH..LOL..BUTTTTTTTTT..it'll all be okay..God has got my back and I won't be moved from my spot by how my husband acts (I will keep telling myself that until it's actually a fact 100% of the time!)
Hope everyone has a wonderfully blessed day!
Tawnya
Tawnya, just stay strong and try to keep busy on something to pass the time.
BTW, I'm alive and kicking!!!LOL
Tawnya,
Oh sweetie, take care today. I can't imagine how hard that must be waiting for him to return from a trip like that. Be strong, act like you don't care (even though you do)...did you ever realize how much easier it is give advice than it is to follow it.
If there is anything I can do for you today just let me know. I will be praying for you and thinking about you.
Love ya
kristi
{{{Kristi}}} LOL..you made me laugh about the giving advice vs following it..YES I have absolutely figured that out from being on this board
Thank you very much for thinking about me and praying for me..btw..I am going to try to find you in the FB land so I hope I do
{{{Tom}}} WELL thank YOU for letting me know you were alive and kicking!! I would look pretty silly roaming around yelling your name (and btw..there are a lot of Toms in the world..so I would probably get more than I bargained for
I hope you and the kids are doing well and are 100% better from having the crud last week!
Tawnya
So, I stopped by to offer some hugs, but I see you have gotten lots of those since I was here last. And, I have to say several of the posts hear made me smile and improved my PMA!!!!
I'll be rooting for you today. I wouldn't ask about the trip...you really don't want to know about it. Think about it...he's gonna say, "It was good" even if it wasn't, right? Don't ask the question if you already know the answer. That's what I say, anyway!!!
And, no mom guilt allowed here! You are doing great. If anyone should feel guilt, it's your H. Your kids know the score!
Much love to you. I'll talk to you soon over the next few days.
Amy
Kristi..I have to say finding you in FB land will not be as simple as I thought..LOL
Tawnya
{{{Amy}}} Aww thank you my friend..I am glad something on here could improve YOUR PMA..considering you are like MS PMA in my book
Yeah..you are right about the trip and I'm sure he would say it was good even if it sucked, which I know partly it would cause of the crazy weather and having to drive for 80000 hours
Tawnya
(((Tawnya)))
Checking in to say hi (I know you think you don't know me, but you do--not going to say anything more than that right now!) :-)
I agree with Amy, don't even ask. Just act like he just got home from work or something. He probably figures you're going to say something or ask him questions about the trip, so I'm sure he's got his answers already lined up. That will throw him for a loop, I'm sure!
I don't know if I'll be around much until after Christmas, so I want to wish you a wonderful holiday. Remember why we celebrate this day, give thanks for the blessings you have (and you have many), and enjoy your kids!
likingMEagain
{{Liking}}} OOH..a mystery friend..ok..so you have to give me more than that at some point
Good point about throwing him for a loop..I definitely like the sound of that!
I will try to focus on the kids, and remember how much I love and enjoy them..I don't remember if I posted this or just told Amy (LOL..brain fuzz)..but I decided yesterday, what the heck, I'm gonna order a Honeybaked Ham for Christmas..I KNOW they are expensive, but I like them, I haven't had one in YEARS, and I was just in that kind of mood LOL
As Amy said, Merry Christmas to me
I also want to go to the movies on Christmas day, there are a few movies that I know the kids want to see, hub can go or not go (I Have an "attitude" today LOL..and I kinda like it
We want to go see "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey and "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler..so if anyone has seen them and can give me a yeah or nay that would be good..I think I'm leaning toward Yes Man right now.
Tawnya
Hi Jon, so good to hear from you again. I keep telling people on the board (like Tawnya) that if you can drop the rope and act as if you aren't interested in what they do b/c you have a full life and will be happy with or without them.....it works wonders. It just seems to be the very last thing that a person can bring themselves to try. But, as many have reported, that is what got their attention was when the S actually stopped trying so hard and seem to not care anymore what happened.
Tawnya, I hope you do not ask anything about the trip. Just pretend he hasn't even been away. You may see it as being polite, but it comes across as you being too interested in details and that jealousy is showing. So, just don't show any spark of interest at all.
Take care,
Sandi
Tawnya
Let me give you some info that may help find me in FB land...my real name is Kristina not Kristi...location is Phoenixville PA... see if that helps. I hope I didn't give any info out that I wasnn't supposed to.
Tawnya,
Check your FB inbox...I think I may have found you... If its not you then I found someone else named Tawyna who I thought was you and they will think I am crazy!!! ha ha....
Hopefully I got it right.
Hope to talk to you soon.
Love ya
Kristi
Hi again Tawnya,
Hope things go well with your H today. Just thinking, do you know what time he will be getting home? Maybe you shouldn't even BE there...just go do some last minute shopping. Maybe get something small for yourself, a little PMA boost! Not like you aren't brimming with that already!
A little about me...without too many details, because I can't do that right now, but I'll just say I'm a LBS, H having an EA/PA, we're separated, and I'm heartbroken, to say the least, as all of us are. But I still love him, so even though I'm not the best DBer, I keep trying and fighting to save my marriage, to keep the love of my life.
Think of this as a word search...but don't give it away or use the full name, cuz I don't want it to come up in searches, okay? I don't have my own thread, yet, so if you can figure it out, just put a little "aha!" here on your post, okay? I'll be checking in tonight.
((((hugs))))
Tawnya,
How are things in Winston-Salem tonight? Did H get home? I hope it went okay, and I hope tonight is good as well.
Holler at me if you need to chat!
Amy
Thank you to everyone who gave me a hug and support today, I can't go back and read who it was..LOL..cause it's on another page
So..what I DID do was: 1) I worked from 1 to 7 (which I was suppose to) 2) Asked the kids if they wanted to go out to eat and to just meet me at work and we would go from there (cause I didn't want to come home in case hub was home. HOWEVER, that didn't work out quite the way I planned because daughter calls me that she is outside in her car, but her keys for the house and the car are inside LOL..so I know hub isn't home, or else he would have let them in. SO..home I go. 3) We went out to eat and then to Starbucks, during which time hub texted my daughter to let her know (OKAY?) that he was back in town..whatever..so he did get home to an empty house
When I got home, I didn't go downstairs (which is where he is) for a while, my son went down and was talking to him. I asked daughter to get something out of the car and bring it in downstairs cause I wasn't planning on going down there at all, but she was already changed so I had to go downstairs, didn't say anything to him, got what I needed, he said "I'd have carried that in if you asked", and I was like "it's okay" and then I asked about the presents under the tree from the inlaws, making sure there were just the 2 I saw (cause I can't leave them out because of the cats)..and then went back upstairs..
So..nothing about the trip or his crappy drive or whatever! OKAY..but his stupid cell phone keeps going off loudly from downstairs, I KNOW it's that lovelyyyyyyyyy OW calling him or leaving him a message, and it's really annoying me actually
By the way, I was talking to Amy earlier (thank you!) because I was SOOO ticked off that hub called my SON this morning to let him know he was leaving from Mass and then called my DAUGHTER this evening to let HER know he was back..what the crap? I mean, so now we are just communicating thru our kids????????? ARGH...
BUT..Amy talked me down LOL and said I had a right to be ANGRY, but not to let hub know I was angry cause I deserved better (sniff)..and I appreciated that..
It was really funny, Amy, because while I was reading the text, I had also texted my daughter just to be dorky and my son was like "is that daughter you are still texting with" and my daughter said, "No, it was Amy" and I was like "how did you know" and she was like "cause you made the aww face when you read it" LOLOL
Tawnya
{{Kristi}} LOL..sad to say..it wasn't me..HOWEVER, if you read Amy's post above, you may get a clue
Also, my FB has a pic of me and my daughter, one is brunette and one is blond (I would be the brunette) LOL..
Tawnya
Glad you had a good weekend, and I agree. Letting him see you mad/upset just gives an evil emotional victory to him.
I have vowed, and have kept it for 5 days now that W will never get an angry or upset comment from me, period - sole exception being something that specifically hurts kids.
She is curious already, I can tell, and I'm loving every minute of it!
P.S. Tomorrow is our first Christmas not being together as a family. W let me keep kids Mon and Tue because they are normally her days - she said, "I know you'll be alone over Christmas, and it really stinks." So, I'm not saying a WORD to her, but I've let my kids know about the Christmas party I'm going to on Christmas Eve, and I'm sure they'll pass it on to her.
MUAHAHAHA!
I'm so proud of you that after his big old stupid trip, you deigned to honor him by saying basically two things. You go!
{{{{{{Tawnya}}}}} (two extra hugs in there)
Hi there Miss T
Sleep well. I will say a prayer for you and the family.
Tawnya,
I have just spent 20 minutes in FB land and I still can't find you!! I thought I did other than the first time this one did't have a pic but the area was as mentioned in Amy's post. So now I am utterly confused.
I don't know how to find you!!! I hope you have a better attempt at locating me.
I do not have a pic up right now. I have some posted but not one that comes up with my name. I am working on that. I will get one up this weekend. So there is just that beautiful silouette beside my name where a picture needs to go!!
Have a great night.
(((((Tawnya)))))
I'm glad that you were able to stay in the same house with H tonight and not bring up the trip. Too bad he couldn't lose the cell phone. Maybe he could put it on silence in the future while he's at home just to be respectful of you.
take care,
Tom
WELL..to be honest..OK..LOL..I totally blew it
SOOOO..hub comes upstairs and says "how was your trip" and I'm like, "Fine, but I had to come home early cause I didn't feel good" and didn't ask about his trip, he didn't say anything about me not feeling good..whatever
OK..so then, he hands me some receipts and I'm like "why are there receipts from OUR account when you took this trip with your OWN account money"..so there we go..ding ding..the bell has rung and the fight has begun...
HOWEVER, at the end of our money portion of our discussion, yes there were portions, LOL, I said, "you know what, IF I Have to work 5 jobs in order to not have you holding $$ over my head, that is what I will do..because I DON"T want to fight about that anymore"..
So then he told me how his family was basically fine, except for his sister, about the OW being there, that he took her to their house and they were all nice to her..makes me want to vomit really
So then he tells me one of the things he likes about her is that she is prettier than me..can you believe that?? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ok..that just flies over me..because, basically, the way he's described her, she's brunette, like me, wears glasses, like me, and is just taller than me..what the heck? ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYY..ok so that was not cool..and then he proceeds to tell me that he was not completely my spouse and that even on our WEDDING day he asked his best man what he was doing..well isn't that nice to hear 20 years later? (wonder how many slaps in the face I can take before my head explodes?? Obviously at least one more
I told him at that point that I Didn't appreciate him talking to her on his cell phone while he was home and that it was disrespectful, but, do you know what he said? He said, "that's too bad, that's how it is going to be"..what do I do about that? I guess nothing..I mean what the crap????????? I said, ok you leave the house at 7 a.m., don't get home until after 9 p.m., if you haven't talked to her enough during that time then you just need to go ahead and move in with her and stop being that disrespectful to me..and he's like, "I'm working on getting out of here as fast as I can"
Then he threw IN my face again about how I kicked HIM out after talking to him the Sunday before he left..what the crap?????? I mean I guess now I"M the bad guy, makes it easier to deal with doesn't it?
So then I tell him that even someone he is not that fond of that he would not treat this disrespectfully and that he KNEW that I did nothing to deserve being treated like this and that even, after all of this has gone down, that 95% of the time I am still a decent, kind person..
So now he's like "well you won't hear another word out of me until I'm out of the house"..and I'm like, "what happened to being a decent person" and he's like "that's out the window"..and then to "well maybe I'll just pack my "sh.t" and move out while you are at work one day"..very nice and classy eh?
Actually, at the point we were talking about the OW, I said, you know what, YOU are not the person I married and not even the person I knew 6 months or a year ago..I said, "I don't like this person at all right now because THIS person is selfish and this person cares more about himself than his family"..and I Told him that I didn't deserve this and I didn't deserve to be married to someone who would treat anyone like this..and I told him he was STUPID to give me up..
But I told him, even knowing that, knowing how much I Didn't like him right now, that if he figured out that he was stupid that I would still say, "ok..what would we need to do to work this out..for both of our sakes"..
So..there you go..my totally blown night..but, you know what, I feel okay saying some of the things I said, tho I know it was a total cheeseless tunnel..believe me I know..and so much was hurtful on his end to me..I didn't say anything that was hurtful to him..but I wanted him to know that I didn't need his crap and told him I was not really looking forward to his coming home any more than he was looking forward to coming home..so hopefully that caught him off guard a bit
Ugh..I hate that I blew it yet again..but again, I don't see it as all bad, tho I know it WAS bad..if that makes sense..it just really showed me what he HAS BECOME..and I don't like it very much at all..
To be honest, right now, he can't get out fast enough, because it's too much crap and drama with him being here..
Tawnya
((((((((Tawnya)))))))))
Oh. My. GOSH!!!
I cannot believe the nasty, hurtful things your H said to you! For all the pain my H has caused me, he has never said such mean, spiteful things (I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but I do appreciate my H a little more after hearing your story, although don't think that I don't know that my H could very well turn into "that" man someday--I sure hope not!)
You are a strong woman, Tawnya. Don't ever forget that. Yeah, tonight wasn't a very good DB night, but jeez, the guy gives you the receipts for his trip with the OW, then proceeds to say all of that S*&T to you, and you're supposed to just stand there and TAKE it?
You deserve better. Someday, I hope the mothership will come back for the alien that has invaded your H's body. But, it might be "too bad, so sad" for him, when he realizes that you have moved on. I think it's "too bad, so sad" for him RIGHT NOW, he's just too blind to see it.
Hang in there Tawnya.
LMA
{{{{LMA}}}} I dunno if I'm right that LHS would be your other "name", but otherwise I am still clueless
Thank you so much..it was hard and nasty and just crap basically..but I brought some of it on myself but just not letting stuff go..but, ya know, it's all good in the end, he is making it easier to detach for sure!!
I'm glad your hub looks better LOL..it does make me smile anyway
Thank you for saying I'm strong, I really appreciate it!
A very smart woman told me that my hub had to say those things to justify this to himself..so that is what I will choose to believe
Tawnya
Hi again Tawnya!
Not only are you strong, but you're also smart! You pick up on clues really well! Thanks for "getting" what I was trying to say! If you're on the alt (I'm not, and not interested right now, maybe someday...), and we have any mutual friends from the boards here, maybe you could "pass it around". My posts are going to be purposefully vague for some time. Not even going to start my own thread until at least next week, maybe even not until after the new year, but I'll be staying current with everyone's sitch. And I'm in contact with a certain someone who has been an absolute Godsend, so I'm doing okay! Sitch is pretty much the same, the same "limbo". I haven't been a great DB'er, and I haven't seen a lot of forward movement, but I don't *think* things have gone backwards, either, so we'll see what the new year brings.
Merry Christmas, my friend! I hope you have a wonderful day!
LMA
Oh, and I think that smart woman (I can probably guess who it was! Maybe her name starts with an "s"?) was right--I think they're just trying to convince THEMSELVES that what they're doing is right,or okay. Or, maybe better put--NOT WRONG! Because they feel guilty...Kind of the same thing when someone with really low self-esteem becomes a bully. I've never really understood that mentality, the one that says, "I'll feel BETTER about myself if I can make someone else feel BAD about themself", but I've seen it enough times to believe that some people really do operate on that principal. I've never had the highest self-esteem, but I've never been that low...
Goodnight ((((Tawnya))))!
{{{LMA}}} yeah..I am glad I was right
I think anytime you are not moving backward, you are doing well
I hope you have a Merry Christmas also!!
Actually this particular smart woman was not the S woman, but the A woman..LOL..who talked me down TWICE today
Tho, I'm sure Sandi would have done the same
But, funny enough, I was reading thru some Charlene Cares Q&A and one of the things they were talking about was that VERY thing, that nothing hub says is true because he's just speaking what the enemy would say to me, and the interesting thing about that is THE pretty thing IS something that would be "my self esteem" issue..one of them, if you know what I mean..so when I read that, I was like "YEAH..that WOULD be something someone would use against me"..you know like for some people with higher confidence/self esteem, a comment like that wouldn't have rattled them, but, for ME, it was a toughie to swallow..
I am with you about never being that low to bully people to make themselves feel better..I've never understood it myself..but then again, you and I are more compassionate than that
Thank you and hope your night is good (we both need to go to bed
Tawnya
Tawnya,
You are a remarkable lady. My hat is off to you. I think you handled H's return with grace and dignity.
How are you doing today?
In case you are wondering who I am, here are some hints: we have a lot in common, love of Calvin and Hobbes, Alias, I take riding lessons...
V.
What a butt head!
The enemy KNEW exactly which button to push. Fight back, sweetie. You KNOW you are the better person--for one thing, you have morals and standards!
Merry Christmas,Tawnya!! Be good to yourself and love on your kids. Talk to you soon!
SMW
Tawnya,
I am so sorry to hear about what happened. You really don't deserve that. And you did an excellent job staying strong. You are very right ..YOU do deserve someone who will treat you with respect and dignity.
Many months ago, when my H was either having an affair or just wanted me to think he was..not sure what the deal was there..all I know was every night around 9:30 he would leave and go make phone calls.. that was heart breaking. I knew he was calling his girlfriend at the time. IT may have only been and EA but still. So for you to handle this was such grace and dignity you are a super strong woman. You have every right to lose it every now and then..HE is YOUR Husband, and if he doesn't have the respect to wait until after the D to move on with his life and start seeing OW and is parading them around in front of his family then he doesn't value or respect you and you deserve so much better.
About the bit, where he told you that YOU threw him out...of course he is going to throw that back in your face. IT does make it easier for him and he needs something to try and fight with because he has nothing. HE has nothing in his corner. NO good reasons NO good excuses..ABSOLUTELY nothing so whatever he can come up with he will..
Just stay strong and remember you are the better person. He is the weak one. And in the end you will definately come out on top!!!
HUGS to you.
Merry Christmas
Love ya
Kristi
{{{V}}} THAT is gonna take some getting use to..so if I slip..LOL..don't beat me up..I KNOW WHO you are my friend
Thank you, I don't know that I feel like I handled it gracefully or dignified(ly LOL), but thank you very much for saying so
It was amazingly tough to hear what he said, but Amy told me not to listen to him anyway LOL
{{{SMW}}} LOLOL..you made me laugh so hard with that "what a butthead" heheh..HOPE you are doing well my friend..it's funny being the better person still stinks at times..but yes, at least I can hold my head up high at the end of the day and know I stayed "right"
{{{Kristi}}} Wow..thank you so much for your words..funny enough, until recently I pretty much thought hub was the one who treated me that way..nicely..but not right now :P Anyway, thank you for what you said about him not having anything in his corner and no leg to stand on..THAT helped so much..I really appreciate you taking the time to make ME feel better while you are right along with me fighting for your marriage my friend!
I'm doing pretty well today, talked to hub this a.m., I was just nice and fine, about son's drum set, about if we needed anything else for it since I was going out..we were cool and talked a few times this a.m. via text and in person and on the phone cause I thought something was missing from the drums, but it wasn't..but anyway..he's been gone all day..dunno where, but whatcha gonna do?
Have been running around like a crazy person, hopefully I'll crash early tonight since I didn't go to bed until 3 and then up at 7 for no reason LOL..but have been to 3-4 stores, including the grocery store, got all my stocking stuffers and the last of my presents, picked up my honeybaked ham *yummo*, and was gone for like 6 hours..LOL..so I'm home for now..but I've declared a "cooking sabbatical" for myself for this week for some reason (hehe), so I will take the kids, and hub if he wants to come, out to eat this evening..then come home and wrap a few presents (not many to wrap since most are too big or what have you)..
Anyway..as Amy said on her thread..it IS amazing how much you all mean to me in such a short time, I consider you all some of my "best friends", which sounds odd but fitting at the same time!
Tawnya
"A very smart woman told me that my hub had to say those things to justify this to himself..so that is what I will choose to believe."
Hi Tawnya,
I've never posted to you before, but I saw your name in Wifey's thread. I just wanted to pop in here and wish you a merry Christmas. I've not read much of your thread, so please forgive me if this is out of touch, but I would like to comment on the above quote.
I have had people tell me the same exact thing about my H when he says negative things. And, I believed them! I do know now though, that most of the people who said that are not in my H's head. They are not counselors. They are only saying what they believe.
This journey is all about us and our spouses, not the "other" people, usually. Anyway, before I stray too far from my point, I just wanted to let you know that I now, personally, believe that when my H says negative things or reacts to me in disgust it is because he is spinning out of control and does not KNOW what he is saying, or how it sounds to me. Here is a secret between you and me. I saw him this morning. He drove by my house, which is supposed to be a no-no. I asked him "What are you doing here." He said, "I've come to get the mail. There hasn't been any in days. You don't have it do you?" I said no. But, he reacted with disbelief.
I said "Merry Christmas" to him, but he only responded with "Yeah right." And then he drove away. I realized then, that this is his 'stuff,' not mine, and I will not own it anymore.
You stay happy and have a jolly night tonight.
poet
Tawnya--Thanks for being there and checking up on me. Merry Christmas.
Thank you {{{Poet}}} I appreciate that..you are right..whether it is true or false in their minds, whether they know what they are saying or how they are being to us, it is THEIR thoughts or their out of control behavior..not mine..and I have to say this "journey" I'm on has taught me to be more sure of who I am, because a while back, a comment like "she's prettier than you" would have about sent me into the corner into a fetal position
{{{LE}}} I always check on you..thank you for stopping by and I pray for a Christmas that is more blessed than you can imagine..and I'll be around if you are..stop by
Tawnya
Tawnya,
You are amazing. You sound as positive as ever. You are one strong lady and I think you should change your name on here to Syndey.
Keep it up, lady.
V.
{{{Tawnya}}},
You handled that so well - I'm sorry, but there is only so much crap you can take, but I agree with the consensus, most of it probably isn't true.
My W has said the most horrific things to me, and I know she didn't mean them. At the time, she was just angry beyond words.
Even the things she does now, she is suffering from guilt, knowing she is doing wrong, ignoring kids' hurting.
I know it's harder for you with H being in the house, but sheesh, I'm thinking/praying for you!
Covering all bases with my "beacon light " friends
MERRY CHRISTMAS and peace to you.
I am dreading every minute of it right now ..oh well.
regroup time
T
{{{V}}}} I think one name change on here is enough for now LOL..I'd have to remember who I was if I did that..tho Sydney Bristow may be in my future..I kinda like that
So what are you guys doing tomorrow with your mom and bro?
{{{Jon}}}} Thank you very much..yeah..I guess my "taking crap meter" was all full LOL! I'd like to think my hub is having guilt about what he is doing to the kids at LEAST..but I dunno..I think possibly for my son..he even brought my son, but not my daughter (which I thought was strange) a gift back from his trip..but I sure don't see any guilt coming off him too much. Thank you, I appreciate the prayers and saying some back to you!
{{{Tomato}}} Aww..thank you so much for being a beacon of light on my thread and to everyone!! I hope the day is better for you than you think it will be..YOU are an amazing person, the things you say about your "beloved"..she should be like melted butter by now
WELL..had a random evening..hub actually called ME before he came home to see if I needed anything (I guess Christmas stuff, but still, WEIRD after last night..), so I said no, told him we were planning to go out to eat if he wanted to go with us, he said yes. So, he came home, figured out where we wanted to go, I rode with hub and son, cause daughter was coming from shopping. On the way he talked about his trip, actually asked me FINALLY where I went on my trip last weekend exactly in VA, and even said (which made me feel even PROUDER of my trip), after I told him where I went he was like, "WOW, that's a long haul, about 5 hours"..and I was like, "yep, and I was so proud (and told my son in the car too), that in all of my 39 years I hadn't done a trip that long by myself, and that I got there and back with no help, not getting lost, and it wasn't bad at all
He told me and son all about his trip while we rode (I didn't ask..he just started talking)
So, we met daughter at restaurant, it was definitely a little "odd", mostly I talked to daughter and son, and hub talked to son mostly (daughter was kinda quiet/tired/ticked at her dad unfortunately..because when I told her on the phone that dad said he'd go to dinner with us, she was like "oh, how nice of him" LOL
then I told daughter I'd ride home with her
Hub is suppose to be putting together drum set for son and son even mentioned playing some xbox with dad before that, dad says yeah (dunno if this changed in the car while they rode home), hub comes home for a bit in the bedroom, then comes out, gets water, and then just drives off..as IF he hasn't been gone already ALLLL day..I wonder if OW called and he ran..that's what my guess is..kinda pathetic if you ask me..I mean..hello..it's Christmas Eve and you have to go do WHAT?
ANYWAYYYYYY..whatever..I know hub will put the drums together WHENEVER he gets home, so that's all I need him to do this evening..told him I had planned on a movie tomorrow afternoon if he wanted to go..
Just another day in the life of "crazy land" eh?? Tho..I don't choose to ride the "upset ride" tonight
Tawnya
I don't choose to ride the "upset ride" tonight
Hey, Tawnya, send some of that PMA my way, huh? I've been fine all day, but now I'm starting to feel that familiar anxiety, as I think about H and OW celebrating Christmas together (whenever they're doing that, as I don't have that info).
Also, H had told me the other day not to look at the details on the checking account until after Christmas, because I would ruin my Christmas if I did (this has been standard procedure for us every year). But then this afternoon, he said he hadn't bought anything for me yet. That weirded me out, and I'm about to go look at the checking account...should I, or shouldn't I? I know I shouldn't, but I'm wondering, WTH? Has he bought me something yet or not?
It's also killing me thinking about what he might have gotten for OW, and her kids. And how much he spent. I'm sure he paid cash for whatever he bought, so I'll probably never know, and I probably don't WANT to know, but it's bothering me, nonetheless.
I'm also wondering when he's going to see her. Today, I asked him specifically to tell me if/when he will need to leave tomorrow (he's coming over here to "do" Christmas with me and the kids, and his mom). Just so that I would know, and he didn't have to play the "looking at the watch" game, and trying to come up with some story to tell me in order to get out the door. He said, "I don't have anywhere I need to be tomorrow." We'll see. A few days ago he said, "I don't have to spend the whole DAY with you guys...", so whatever.
I don't know why I let this stuff get to me. I have NO WAY of knowing what he's really doing, even if he "tells" me, cuz how do I know he's telling the truth. He keeps saying he has no reason to lie to me, his R with OW isn't a secret, but I can't trust him right now. I want so badly to be able to, but that's going to take time, and it's going to take him breaking it off with OW, and I just don't know if that's going to happen, at all.
I keep trying to tell myself, "Water off a duck's back. Detach. Appreciate what he does give you (time, hugs, etc.). No expectations. Respect his needs. Validate. Love him enough to let him own his choices. NO R or OW talk. Just get through THIS day. You don't know what tomorrow will bring. Stay positive."
And even with all that "self-talk", I'm still feeling all this anxiety.
Didn't mean to hijack, Tawnya! It's just that I don't have my own thread yet, and I don't feel comfortable yet starting one. I still feel like I need to "hide out" a little longer. And I thought the "PMA Queen" would have some practical advice for me about how to deal with the anxiety, and all these negative and bothersome thoughts. I KNOW I should not allow these thoughts to stay in my mind long, nor allow them to bother me. I just don't know HOW to do it!
Merry Christmas Tawnya! I hope you have a wonderful day!
I'll steal Tawnya's place, and share with you something that I always come back to:
The OM/OW can only provide that wonderful feeling for so long - usually if OM/OW is OK being with someone that's married they probably don't have much scruples anyone, and if you are who you want to be for YOURSELF, they will start to see the differences.
For example, in the past month and a half, I have lost 16 pounds. Every time I know W is coming over, I have on a nice shirt, hair combed, shaved, cologne on, and the house is completely spotless if at all possible. Not really doing it FOR her, but I want her to see me in control, and looking good. What possible attraction would you hold for spouse if you are unshaven, (legs in lady's case), frazzle headed, grumpy, down at the mouth, and red-eyed?
I mean you wouldn't be caught dead in public, but you hang onto spouse's leg looking bedraggled, and expect them to swoon? Same applies emotionally - if you are whining, crying, begging, pleading
Here is my point - you may be absolutely gorgeous - don't get me wrong. But when you start to focus on yourself, and wanting to look good, and focus on life, and the things that make you happy, SLOWLY but surely, things will start to swing around.
I have been "detached" for about one stinkin' week now, and the difference is unbelievable. I used to be consumed with looking at checking account, asking about potential OM, finding out if W was working so I was sure she wasn't with OM, and it was stupid! I got fat, lazy, and depressed!
Now, I have to fight off women every time I go out in the streets. (Not really, but I have gotten a couple of looks) Although I would never look at another woman, the self-esteem building is huge...
OK, that was a complete ramble, but I hope it made sense.
{{{Tawnya}}},
'Tis the season for awkward family meals!
Good job for talking about what you did - a little nudge to say, "I can do things for myself, and don't need you."
If H was as good a dad as you said he was, the crap like the drum set will eventually start to wear thin on kids, and it'll start to backfire. Frustrating thing, and I know from experience: You KNOW W/H can tell they are being idiots, but have so rationalized in their heads they don't even think.
I don't ever say a word to my kids EVER, but I told W, "One day the kids will figure out what happened here, and they will know who fought for this family, and they'll know who did the right thing day after day after day. That's enough for me."
{{LMA}}} I hear you on the "do I want to check the checking account"..so, in a way, hub did me a FAVOR by taking his "OW money" I call it and putting it into an account I can't keep track of, cause it use to irritate the CRAP outta me to see how many lunches/breakfasts/dinners whatever he would be paying for 2 people for BLAHH..LOL..so..my advice, if you can help it, DON'T LOOK...tho..knowing me, I would probably look LOL..but I would hope I wouldn't..(I know that didn't make sense..LOL..)..but what the HECK..your hub told you NOT to look but that he hadn't bought you anything..sounds like he was trying to get you to get upset..if you ask me..so don't give him the satisfaction of that. I came thisclose to calling hub when he left tonight and being like, "um..thought you were gonna hang out with son tonight and play games"..but..I didn't
LMA..I feel so exactly the same way that you do, can't trust my hub about anything he says, he can say something to me one day and not remember he said it the next..it's so bizarre..told him I needed to record our convos.
However, when I just re-read your post, something came to my attention, re-read your last paragraph about "validate his feelings, etc" but I still have anxiety..WELL YEAH..because in all of that, you didn't talk about ONE THING you were doing to validate YOU..to help YOU..I think, my hub being a total jerk in going on that trip and the way he acted last night really helped that "tooth come out" on my detachment..cause like tonight..I didn't want to ride back home with him..LOL..I rode with my daughter and I didn't look at it as "thankful for the time he spent with me/us" (tho I was thankful for the kids)..but as "his being along is kinda awkward"..LOL..funny I didn't really realize I had thought about it that way until I read your post!
Also, when we got home and hub was in our room, I was in our other bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror and was like, "I think I look better now than I've looked in a long time" so I dunno what my hub is talking about..NOW..IF you knew me before, which of course you didn't LOL, you would know how HUGEEEEEEE that is for me..I don't think I'm a supermodel by ANY stretch, but I sure don't think that I'm hideous either, I've lost weight, I look skinnier in my jeans, my hair is longer now than it's been, I'm happy with me..which is amazing considering! AND I hope the same for YOU..
:::Sending PMA your way::::
Tawnya
I don't want you to have to get to the point of detaching
{{Jon}} Yeah..it worked out really cool that my hub asked me where I went so I could tell him and then he was like "wow that's far"..hehe..and I was like..um yeah..but it was no big
As far as it wearing thin, I can already tell, by the comments I said above from my daughter, that his actions are wearing super thin on her..and of course my son doesn't KNOW about the drums, only that he and dad were suppose to play games. Thankfully or not, son got my cold (that's not the thankful part LOL), but so he was like "I'm just going to go in my room and watch TV and relax cause I feel crummy", I was like "I totally understand", so the thankfully is that he probably won't realize hub ditched him for whatever/whoever
(argh..but I know it!)
Anyway..you are right, they have to KNOW they are being idiots, but why not at least stop being so stupid? At least as far as the kids are concerned?! ::shaking my head::: oh well, at least all of these kids involved have one sane parent..which I know they will appreciate!
Tawnya
OK..so I wrapped all of the presents while watching the end of Night at the Museum (I just think that movie is light hearted fun
and was changing into my jammies when I heard hub coming in. I was in the bathroom and he came into our bedroom, so I didn't talk to him. Then he came in again while I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, still didn't talk to him. So, I came out to the kitchen and he says, "I was getting ready to put the drum set up if you wanted to help" and I said "I didn't know how much help I'd be, but I'll help if you want?" In my brain I was like what the heck..LOL??
But..we actually had a fine time, working together for the last hour and a half putting it together, he even showed me how to work the drill (like I wanted him to a few months ago about our curtains)..and we got the set all set up..I was thinking while we were doing this, "what the heck is so wrong with THIS? LOL, we get along, work well together, and have fun sometimes too LOL"..But that's just me
Anyway..that was my interesting roller coaster of "Hi I'm here as a family, now I"m gone, now let's be a family"..It was an interesting night, and actually it just makes me smile that it was comical and the night ended well
Tawnya
hey sister.
santa won't come if we stay up ..right?
lol
LOL..that's what I have heard..just got finished setting up the drum set..I will definitely be heading to bed soon..how about yourself???
I hope and pray you lie down in peace and sleep my friend!
Tawnya
I am still up, too
Santa just dropped off all the presents, got to put batteries in something real quick, though.
I am sleeping theday away tomorrow.
I more than earned my paycheck tonight. The flying was rather hair raising or something. Thank good ness I am nuts and that I didnt really think twice about how nasty the winds were for landing.
its miller time...actually better than that I have a 1 gallon milk jug filled with microbrew draught! YIPPIE
its me my beer and the dog. She like the cerveza too. I oughta give her all of it. At least she excercises
Hi Laura ..I mean Mrs Claus
{{SMW}} Go to bed missy! LOL..you know little kids get up at the crack of dawn for present day
It is NICE to have older kids that actually sleep in, sometimes we get up before they do even on Christmas (ahh it is nice and yes I'm gloating hehe)
{{{Tomato}}} Yow..glad I didn't know you were flying in treacherous conditions and VERY thankful you made it safely thru..sleeping the day away tomorrow would be nice..maybe not sleeping, but if I could spend the day in bed, have a laptop to be on the computer if I wanted, watch some chick movies all day (LOL), and have some food and drinks sitting nearby so I didn't have to get up..now that would be sweet!
Tawnya
((((((TAWNYA))))))! Just wishing you a very Merry Christmas!!!
Interesting night for you...I know what you mean about the "What's so bad about this?" But, there's not much you can do about that!!!!
Love to you!
Amy
{{Amy}} Aww thanks for being the "spreader of Christmas cheer" around the board last night LOL..
It WAS interesting..but it was okay
Psst..just in case anyone wants to know..I got to sleep until 10 this morning
Tawnya
So Christmas was good and awkward
Son LOVED all his presents, esp his drums..
Daughter is thrilled with her ipod, playing with it as we speak
Daughter comes out with my presents and I usually separate our presents into piles and she goes "where is your pile" and I was like "I don't have a pile" and she was like "OH" poor thing..LOL
So..hub comes upstairs and seems to not even want to be there, sits down, is playing with the CATS instead of watching opening presents (so weirdddd) and then we had him his presents, first from daughter, and then the ones I got..I didn't think anything about it, but afterwards, I said to daughter, "did you really think I'd get a present" and she said, "well that's why dad seemed so mad that you got him stuff" and I said, "you think he was mad?" and she said, "well at least uncomfortable" LOL..in my mind I was thinking, "um YEAH, he should be" cause he went out last night to get "something" cause he came up with this candy he said he went out and got himself last night, and I'm thinking, bet that's not all he bought..and for a SPLIT second I wondered if he got me anything, but nope..but oh well
I know who took the high road
I kinda don't know what to do about daughter, who is 18. She has a tude with her dad right now, which I can't blame her, and I don't know whether to talk to her about it or let him deal with the consequences of his actions with her..I'm thinking the latter because she's older and more "aware" of what is going on than my 12 yo is. For example, son/daughter/hub were talking about going to the movie tonight and daughter is like, "I don't really want to go with just them" *she said to me afterwards*
Tawnya
Tawnya - sorry no presents from H. I bought presents for my WAW - which I'll try to give to her tomorrow, but I'm not sure she will take them.
Not understanding the problem between D18 and H. Conversation is always good. I'd talk with D18. At 18, she is also an adult and can make up her own mind. But good thing to let her know you care to talk with her about it.
Have a great Christ day - Jim (SingleDad)
SD..she's just disgusted with her dad's actions, his treatment of me basically..
That's okay about the presents..it would have been nice, but I didn't really expect it..LOL!
Tawnya
Tawnya - Oh I Understand... I'm trying to protect my own daughter from having to go through the same thing for many years to come... If only my marriage could be saved.
Your H is being selfish - nothing less. WAS do not realize their actions affect far beyond themselves.
SD..I think he gets it from my daughter's crappy reactions to him lately..tho I'm sure somehow it will be "my fault", something I've said to her to "turn her against him" or something..I can already hear that convo LOL!
Tawnya
Lord, why do WAS think it is so much easier to walk away to a "new life with greener pastures"?
Why don't they realize they should instead work on their existing life ?
Why can't they learn it will not go away when there are children involved ?
Why don't they understand their decisions are far more reaching and harmful than their own selfish wants ?
God bless - Jim
If I knew the answer to that..LOL..
I dunno..my stepmom said it sounded like my hub was back in high school and that is TOTALLY what I liken it to..remember back in high school if you had a crush and/or were in a relationship, THAT is all you thought about, nothing else mattered, it was just YOU and that person and/or you and your little world..that, to me anyway, is what it is like in my household..
Tawnya
Lord, why do WAS think it is so much easier to walk away to a "new life with greener pastures"?
Why don't they realize they should instead work on their existing life ?
Why can't they learn it will not go away when there are children involved ?
Why don't they understand their decisions are far more reaching and harmful than their own selfish wants ?
SingleDad, I think I can answer those questions, but knowing me I would take all night....er....day...since it is almost 1:30 a.m.
To make it short, they are living in a fantasy. They hate their real life and want to exchange it or throw it away and get a new one b/c it is easier, to them, to start over with a brand new person. They think it will be oh so different and better with that new person and new R. They are so deep in fog until they cannot think logically. The excitment of the A is what keeps them running on "high energy" all the time. But, if they were to get M and have to deal with the kids and bills and "reality" for a change.....they would discover they have the same R that they had with the LBS. They are in "dreamland" and you can't wake them up or reason with them. They have to learn the hard way, most of them anyway, and by the time they do come out of the fog, they have messed their lives up, plus their children's and their LBS......unless the LBS decides to move forward and not allow the WAS to control their happiness and their future.
I knew you already knew all of that, and that those questions were out of pure frustatration, but wanted you to know the post was recognized. As a former AWAW, it was LBH's like yourself that I begin to see the pain and it actually helped me to realize how much pain I had caused my own H. You see, he kept it hidden from me. Unlike a lot of H's, he did not plead with me or anything like that......I only saw his anger and him treating me like a child and I resented it highly and reacted to it badly. So, your pain expressed here on the board might help another AWAW to decide to stay home.
God Bless and take care,
Sandi
Well, well, well, don't I have smart "Sweeties"? I tell you, I am down right proud! All this fine advice you all are giving one another.....shoot, I don't even feel needed anymore....lol. Feel like a proud Mama. Tawnya, I told you to be on the lookout for a former friend. Glad you two met up. I also told Amy. Let's see if she caught on....lol.
I won't keep you up all night....er...day now....with a long post cause I think I have pushed my Christmas luck and need to get me big self in the bed. Just want to say this to ALL OF YOU HER ON TAWNYA'S THREAD.........STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ARE MARRIED. Now take that in the right context. I don't mean to go out and hit the bar scene and find somebody to mess around with. I mean your attitude.......stop acting like you are married to your spouse and treat them like you would .......well, since some of your stitch's are different, I better be careful as to tell you how to treat them like.....I think since most of you are not on too friendly of terms right now, I would say treat them more like they were an unwanted guest in your house.....if they are still there. If they have left your house, it makes it easier to treat them like you would another person on the street....lol. Remember, when they make you lose your cool.....they have won. Just like in parenting.....if a kid makes you lose your temper....and even if you punish the child.....he has won b/c you gave up your control. It is a battle of the wills. Same principle applies to your stitch.
Most of all, don't take any crap what-so-ever and
demand respect. That is an absolutely must! You do not have to stay under the same roof with somebody that does not respect you anymore than that. It made me furious at the answer Tawnya's H gave her. You may have to look up Puppy to get some ideas about consequences Tawnya if H continues to be so disrespectful. I would keep my distance as best as i could until he leaves....if he really does. Why is he prolonging? Would you still want him after all of this? Be honest....don't say what you think I want you to say. But, I think you are quickly learning to stand up to him and stand up for your respect. He just hasn't been made a believer yet.
As far as talking to D18, she is smart. She knows what is going on and she knows where you stand. I know you want her to have the right ideas about what M is all about, etc. Right now, she is watching you to see how you are going to deal with how her dad is treating you. Also, that son of yours will learn how to treat women in the future (including his own wife) by watching this played out before him. So, for both of their sakes, you have to show that a woman can not be bullied, disrespected or cheated on and get away with it. I would not even start to try to defend their dad to protect their R with him.....that is not your job. Besides, it would confuse them b/c I'm sure S12 is pretty sharp about what's going on. He just isn't talking. If your H does leave, then I would sit down with your D18 and ask her how much she knows. Then confirm what she says is the truth. Don't try to cover up b/c she deserves to know. Then I would sit down with S12 and tell him that his dad left you.....not them.....(which he really did, but you can't tell S12 that) and explain in a way that isn't too graphic what is going on and that it isn't right for a M person to do that and so the two of you had to go separate ways. Well....do it your own way, why am I telling you what to say? I just know that with your sweet and giving and forgiving ways that I am afraid that you'll try to cover up for that jerk and he doesn't need anyone to do that. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Normally, in
most cases, I believe in trying to keep this sort of thing private between the couple, but the way he is treating you.....and as old as your kids are......if he leaves.....tell them. (Hey Puppy.....did you hear that???) Like I said, I am coming around.....to some cases...lol. If they are going to be open with the A and so disrespectful to you, then let him have it.
Okay, I promised a short post, didn't I? Now, it is almost 2:00 a.m.
Catch you all later,
Sandi
Hello T ...from T
Just wanted to say good morning, and congratulate you on surviving Christmas this year!!!!!
Love you!
Amy
Tawnya,
Thanks for your kind words on my thread. Habing a hard time shaking off the gloom today.
How are you doing?
V.
{{{Sandi}}} Thank you so much..I appreciate the words of wisdom!! Actually in the last paragraph, actually daughter knows ALL about what is going on..she knows about the joint checking account, her dad going on the trip with the woman, all of it..she knows..I don't know if you remember, but it was then when she said, about a month or so ago, "that's what they do" (i.e., men leave and/or screw around and/or are jerks..) which broke my heart into 1000 pieces! My son knows that dad is wanting to leave because of me and him, not because of them..
You know, my mom asked me the same question you did about "why is he still there?" last night, what my hub told me is that he was told by a L that if he left before a sep agreement was in place I could sue him for abandonment..my mom thinks that crap..LOL..HOWEVER, to be honest, what WOULD I do in that situation and he doesn't leave? HECK if I know..I don't think I SHOULD have to leave and move somewhere else..but..I dunno, that certainly would make him think if I found a 3 bedroom somewhere and moved the kids and I out and left him to take care of life, laundry, 5 cats, and a dog eh? I think sometimes it must be so much easier to be the "bread winning male" left behind (not that it is EASY guys..totally it's not), but to not have to worry about "well he makes the most money so I can't kick him out, or whatever"..I'd love some thoughts on that
Yeah..his responses were pretty crappy that is for sure and just not my husband..I know that sounds so cliche or stupid, but he NEVER treated me like that..even on our worst days of arguing..
Would I want him back now, you asked? Yes and no..YES IF and ONLY IF he would change, not even back to his old self, but a newer version of his old self..I told him, and I meant it, that I DON"T like this person he is now..the person who can't stand to be here, couldn't be bothered to buy his daughter something on his trip, bought his son a little $16 hat and used OUR money to do it..barely wanted to be here on Christmas..no..I Don't like this guy at all..
Yes..my husband is certainly doing a GREAT job at helping me learn to detach..I'm so tired of his crap right now, I hope he doesn't even decide to LOOK at me in a weird direction..LOL..I just feel like I don't have a lot of ways to go in this..I'm in the waiting pattern, as far as his leaving, and it's all so sad really.
Today I found a picture on myspace of my husband's "prettier" OW..OK..she's NOT pretty..she's heavier than me, honestly not that pretty (and I would say if she was, but I was, to be honest, relieved at first and then disappointed in my husband mostly and a little sad..she seems almost white trashy to me..it's sad)..it seems that she hasn't been married long, so I dunno if the 3 kids are hers and they just lived together or if there are 3 kids with, who knows, 3 dads or WHAT?? I WANT to say to him so badly, "You know what, I don't care if you leave ME, but YOU deserve someone better than THAT"..ugh..it makes me very sad for him..my friend saw the pic and said "I think he's gonna end up falling flat on his face with her", like that she would use him or something..sigh
Tawnya
Hugs from T to T {{{Tomato}}} Hope your day was wonderfully blessed like you!
{{{Amy}}} THANK YOU and congratulations to YOU too for surving another holiday! Glad you had a good one
{{{V}}} Hope your gloom has left..YOU are too sweet and happy to stay gloomy too long
Tho the weather doesn't help the gloom does it? blah
Tawnya
Heh, funny talking about OM/OW - I have heard from so many people how a large percentage of A happen with someone that is not that great!
OM for me is just that - not great looking, very shy, not a great conversationalist - I'm sort of insulted actually!
I agree, if you leave me for some smoldering hunk, at least there's that, but c'mon, take a step UP!
Jon..EXACTLY>>>tho a step up from you or I would be a pretty big step
BUT..exactly..I don't want someone like THAT to be the reason..but..oh well
Tawnya
Oh, and I forgot -> {{{{Tawnya}}}}
aww thank you and right back atcha {{Jon}}
Tawnya
This is actually probably really depressing, but it was really cool to listen to - sort of says what probably 90% of the people on these boards would LIKE to say to H/W, but really bad for DBing!
The video is weird - better just to listen to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZwWIC19UlE
LOL..yeah..it was a pretty song tho..never heard of him before, he does have a cool voice and yeah..it would be nice to say wouldn't it?
Thanks for sharing
Tawnya
Oh my gosh! I LOVE Paolo Nutini! And especially that song! Totally reminds me of H, too. He introduced me to Paolo...
Another one to look up, Matt Nathanson's "Come on Get Higher" (I THINK that's the name of it), and "Bulletproof Weeks". I'm not good at the linking thing, but I'm sure you can find them if you look them up on youtube.
(((Tawnya)))I've missed 'talking' to you here, friend! Gotta get back into the groove. Maybe this weekend...
bumping my own thread back up..I'd love any advice to the questions I asked when I replied back to Sandi yesterday about this:
<<You know, my mom asked me the same question you did about "why is he still there?" last night, what my hub told me is that he was told by a L that if he left before a sep agreement was in place I could sue him for abandonment..my mom thinks that crap..LOL..HOWEVER, to be honest, what WOULD I do in that situation and he doesn't leave? HECK if I know..I don't think I SHOULD have to leave and move somewhere else..but..I dunno, that certainly would make him think if I found a 3 bedroom somewhere and moved the kids and I out and left him to take care of life, laundry, 5 cats, and a dog eh? I think sometimes it must be so much easier to be the "bread winning male" left behind (not that it is EASY guys..totally it's not), but to not have to worry about "well he makes the most money so I can't kick him out, or whatever"..I'd love some thoughts on that>>
Tawnya
I don't think you could sue for abandonment, unless he stopped paying bills, etc.
What is your ratio on income? I mean does he make majority of money?
If you leave, it sets a bad precedent. A lot of times, a court will just follow what you've already done. It is a big boost to me that W moved out, I am almost guaranteed to keep the house completely on my own. Plus, when going through a D, one of the best things you can do for kids is keep them in their house, school, church. All things I have done, W hasn't. W is so self-absorbed she is just doing what she wants for herself, and has no idea how badly she is hurting herself in court.
W moved out into an apartment while we were still under divorce restraining orders - we simply made our own agreement, and didn't tell the courts
I absolutely wouldn't leave! Maybe you should start doing all the laundry but his, and tell him to do his OWN! hee hee
LOL Jon..the thought about the laundry HAS crossed my mind
You are right and I don't WANT to go anywhere..I don't think I should have to go anywhere, and I don't want to unsettle the kids!
Tawnya
Tawnya..here's my thoughts:
1. Don't leave..he should leave and support you and the kids in the house.
2. I'm not sure about the abandonment rule in your state; that's a question for the L. Ask it!!
3. The kids need a little disruption to their lives as possible. But since your kids are older and they know the sitch now; maybe discuss the possibility of moving with them. They might surprise you with the answer, ya never know. When my parents split, (I was 10) I was happy to move and get away. I guess I needed a change as well. If it will make it easier on YOU to move to some place cheaper; I'd consider it an option so long as it doesn't jeopardize your case against the H. Again another question for the L.
4. Any question that comes up in your mind about your sitch, write it down. That way, the next time you discuss things with your L; you'll already be armed with questions. Potentially, this will make things cheaper as you don't keep going back to your L with questions that take up billable time.
Hugs...
Tom
Hey T
Wishing you peace in the little stuff and more.
Just made my debut visit to
The Way to Emmaus a Christian Books & more store just around the corner from me. Just so happens it is in the town of Emmaus. Got some nice stuff to listen to and decorate my place with. It was a boost I really needed.
The rest of the boost will have to come from sleeping. Siesta time. C ya.
From T
{{{Tomato}}} Hope you have a good siesta
Peace back to you
Tom..you are right..I have a friend of mine who happens to be good friends with a Christian lawyer..which was cool and I didn't know that until she and I talked a few weeks ago, I actually just sent her a note asking her if she could talk to him for me, as far as setting up a time to come see him, tho I HATE having to spend more $$$ to do this blahhhhh LOL
THANK you for your thoughts..they are very well taken and very smart!
Tawnya
{{{Tawnya}}},
The one thing I will tell you about L - they do their job. To them, your relationships is a piece of paper, and their sole purpose in life is to make sure that you get the largest piece of the pie.
I would suggest going in with a list of questions on a piece of paper, ask the question, get answers and advice, take copious notes, and go. Don't try to explain your emotions or why the marriage isn't working, etc, unless you think it directly applies to ownership of the house, custody, etc. I spent a couple hundred bucks pouring out my heart, and then realized I should spend that money on a C!
I don't demean lawyers in saying this - it IS their job. But don't expect counseling, care, and a shoulder to cry on - although at $150/hour, I would let someone cry on my shoulder!
Obviously, they will do as you direct them, but it is in their best interest to "win" a divorce case.
there are only losers in D's. That is an absolute.
Tawnya,
Okay, lets remember that I am an employment attorney not a domestic relations attorney but I will pass along a bit of what I learned from my visit to a DR attorney in NC:
There is a claim for abandonment in NC, if I remember correctly if you can show abandonment, it will be a factor the judge considers in determining the amount of spousal support.
In NC, the law says there is a "dependent" spouse and a "supporting" spouse. Obviously, the supporting spouse makes more money and thus has to "support" the dependent spouse. Then, there are other factors that the court considers (cost of living for each spouse, infidelity, abandonment, etc.)
The judge will look at your expenses and determine the standard at which you were both living as a couple. She then determines what percentage of the income each spouse contributed to that standard of living. Let's say you contributed 40% and H contributed 60%, then the starting point is H has to give you 10%. If there are "aggravating" factors by the supporting spouse, such as infidelity, the amount can be raised, (Note that if there are agrravating factors by the dependent spouse, the dependent spouse could lose all right to the support - so do not do anything that even remotely resembles a date until you have been separated for more than one year). The rule of thumb for the length of time support lasts is 1/2 of the years of marriage. So if married 10 years, you get 5 years of support.
Given that your H is involved in an A, if he was honest with the attorney, he is probably already worried about that factor. He will not want to add abandonment to the mix. (By the by, Tawnya, keep the copy of the bank statement you have with H and OW's name on it and don't you move out of that house.)
Again, I am giving you the, "I am not a divorce attorney" disclaimer, but I am an attorney and I took copious notes when I met with my DR attorney.
Hope this helps.
V.
Wow! I wish we had those laws in Florida?!
love
LOL {{V}} I appreciate and certainly won't hold you to any of that, I remember most of that from you telling me that before..I guess, what you are saying is, I'm trying to read between the lines of the 40%/60% so he'd have to give me 10% deal..I have no idea if that is per month/year/pay check or what..but, am I reading it right that, let's say our monthly income combined was $5000, he would have to give me $500 (10%?)..I am just throwing out an easy number here? LOL..
NO..definitely not moving out of the house for sure..was really just more wondering if I had recourse if I ever really wanted HIM to leave..still have the bank statement with the OW name on it tucked away..
Tomato..you are right..there are definitely no winners!
Tawnya
Tawnya,
I am a bad numbers girl, so forgive me. Essentially, you are right. The problem is it becomes a little more complex if you separate. The courts will look at your monthly costs, like your mortgage, bills, food, etc. and they will look at his, rent, bills food, etc. They will then look at your individual incomes and force him to help you to the extent he did in the past and to the extent he can.
This means that if he is smart, he'll go out there and rent a very expensive apartment. The higher his own expenses the less he has to help you. But you have a financial advantage in that he will have to abandon you to do so.
Sorry I cannot be more helpful. I can find the statute citation for you and post it here and you can look at the rules (the NC General Statutes are available online) and do your own math.
V.
V...that's okay..I have a general idea about how much it will be/should be a month..we'll see what happens tho..BUT I very much appreciate it..I was just making sure I was reading it right LOL
Tawnya
OK..so hope I don't lock my thread, but I have to post a bit about what I did tonight..I think Puppy will at least smile since he is the "confront" type
OK..so I decided on Friday that I wanted to try to find this OW, either to talk to her and/or her husband. I was not able to do it, and then kinda talked myself out of it today for a while. Then, hub comes home, after our talk about not talking to OW in the house, I hear him outside with our "dog" (excuse) talking to OW on the phone