Hello all..
I found this site after my husband of 25 years blurted (at the end of January) out how miserable he was in our marriage and how he wanted to live his own life. We have three children S22, S17, D13. One is in college, the second will be in college next year and the third will be entering high school in the fall.
When our first was a year and a half old, we agreed that I would stay home for a few months so to give our son time to recover from health issues. He blossomed with me home. Because of that and some additional health issues with my H, we decided I would leave my career, focus on our son (and subsequent children) while H supported the family.
Fast forward 20 years. H is a highly successful business executive whose career is his mistress. I'm a great mom who's been very involved with our kids and their activities. Because of the unwitting split in our lives we drifted apart. H withdraws emotionally, I get depressed. With the bomb I discover his withdrawal was intentional, where he created a 'buddy' marriage, a co-existence for the children. I grew increasingly depressed over the years. I always maintained my focus on the kids, but everything else slid.
I think I unintentionally used passive aggressive behavior to provoke a response from H. Bad attention was better than no attention. I felt like I never measured up to his standards, was always lacking and felt completely overwhelmed by what was expected of me. Although I felt like H and I were a team, I felt very alone in our marriage. I broke his heart at one point many years ago but he never wanted to talk about it.
H worked long hours, at times traveled extensively and golfed whenever he could. I now believe it was his way of coping with is his dissatifaction with our R.
Though I would ask about how we were doing, and occasionally bring up the idea of marriage counseling, H would say it was okay to the first, or have a caveat, and flatly refuse on the second. He has no use for traditional counseling or the thought of counseling. I would see a counselor for myself and occasionally H would come in. Each time he'd talk about deep hurts he was carrying, often telling the same episodes each time.
I was also extremely defensive to his suggestions. In the end though we cared for each other, we couldn't get past our own inner selves. I also realize we both are 50% responsible for where we are today. The fact that he gave me no say in the decisions he was making, or the ultimate choice to leave the marriage, the home, the children is devastating.
Using the DR techniques has been very helpful and positive. Since his moving out one month ago and his minimal involvement with the children (1 hour for dinner once a week) is creating a house full of pain while I struggle to hold what is left of our family together.
Oops.. gotta go..
*hugs*
Morning Gypsy,
So this is the new thread!!!
My H is a workaholic too. Like your my H started adding work things to his agenda to avoid coming home to me. Some of the things were legit but there were definitely some that were not (he didn't need to be there but preferred being at these "events" to spending time with D2 and I!).
How was your Easter?
W2G
Hey Ms. Whey
I don't know nuttin' 'bout posting threads. Figured folks knew me by the original topic line so went back to that!
Easter initially was pretty neat. We had an egg hunt where the boys hid each other's eggs, one egg per room, four rooms in total, and then the two of them hid D13's. They were evil and dastardly in their egg placements, but it was a fun time. We went off to brunch at the club which was a bit subdued.
After a quiet afternoon, S17 told me he didn't want to go to our friend's house. My goal was that we'd have time with the 3 of us (oldest had gone back to college) in a home of good friends. Years ago the kids had played/hung out together, but had drifted apart.
Let's just say, S17 and I had a mutual meltdown that in the end was caused by the strain and pain of the separation and upcoming divorce. Luckily my brother was over who helped my son and me. Just by listening to me, I realized I was reacting not to S17's words, but to a sense of rejection from him which heightened the rejection I feel in H's actions.
A very good conversation came out of it all. It's amazing how you can apply DR techniques to any and all relationships... validate, listen, and realize when something isn't working try another approach.
S17 kept saying that it all seemed so forced, that their time with their father helped them stay connected to what he was doing. His perceptions were mature, he's struggling.
As my brother said, there's a lot of pain in our house now. I'm just trying to create a more open environment, acknowledging the elephant in the living room by saying the D word, talking about adjustments. I try to keep the focus on the family, on them.. and keep then separate from the machinations of D, which is H's and my business.
My brother told S17 that I'd lost the most important person in my life and that I was trying to keep the family (me and the kids)together. I didn't realize how much I was working on that.. With kids that are older, it's so easy for the oldest just to drift away, S17 is going away next fall. I hope that college won't be a total escape from the emotional chaos for the boys. It's a balance between giving them space, providing support, and creating/embracing our new family dynamic.. so we have togetherness.
Mid March to mid April have been/will be difficult with H's and my two birthday's 2 days apart, the day we met happening the day after H'd b'day, and our anniversary (April 10th which would have been our 25th.) Toss in Easter, D13's Confirmation and me not going to FL for our traditional April vacation and ya get lots of emotional turbulence. I discovered with the birthdays and the day we met that the emotional core reacted to the loss of the day, even though I seemed to have amnesia for those dates. Hopefully being aware of the pitfalls well help in walking this path.
*hugs
Hi Gypsy,
I'm glad you had a positive Easter.. and although things got tense with S17 it was a good thing to get the feelings out there. Most men have much difficulty discussing their feelings and hurts.. so your young man (S17) likely wasn't really addressing these for himself. Thankfully your brother was there to help the 2 of you in your communication.. and hopefully this will allow you and your S to grow closer.
And as for your comment about DBing techniques. I agree that I am more aware in all interactions now that I've discovered these techniques.!
Hugs,
W2G
Hey Gypsy!
I don't know how you manage to write so many thoughtful and thought provoking posts! You are one amazing woman and I hope your H realizes that before it is too late.
Mid March to mid April have been/will be difficult with H's and my two birthday's 2 days apart, the day we met happening the day after H'd b'day, and our anniversary (April 10th which would have been our 25th.)
Just another odd little coinky between us. H's birthday and mine are exactly three weeks apart. We celebrated his three weeks ago, so that would make today....
Yep, my DB coach and I decided that my 180 would be to pamper myself on my BD since H didn't seem to have much investment in it. (Last night when he telephoned on his way home he made a lame joke about bringing home dinner so we wouldn't have to celebrate my BD today.)That's when I told him that I would be taking myself out for a little pampering.
Well, here I am at an Inn about 1 1/2 hours away from our home. I've been trying (with various amounts of success) to not remember the 28 other birthdays of mine we had celebrated together. I left a note for him to the effect that I wasn't sure what I would do on this "most excellent adventure" today. I had an entire universe of possibilities, but to keep all avenues open I would leave the dog at the kennel. (Oops, I paid with a joint credit card so now he can determine where I am staying.) Oh well, I wonder what I should do if he tries to telephone. I wonder if I should stay another night.
P.S. I don't know how you feel about astrology, however, there was a British astrologer mentioned on one of these threads that I have found. He seems to be not only accurate but has had a soothing and calming influence on me. I have listened to his predictions a few times and have found it interesting how I can see my interpretations changing.
For example, he said at one point, "so much of your heart is being caught up in someone else's heart, that even if it means that this person is so important to me, even if it means cutting off this set of options for myself in order to maintain this situation then that's what I will do"
Also:
"nothing - no matter how far it is drawn in a certain direction already has to continue going that way. Sometimes destiny can be challenged, fate can be changed and we can turn around processes which appear to be irrevocable. So, if you are looking at anything in your life that you feel you would like to alter this is the time when if you make the resolution with enough heart felt enthusiasm and energy it can see you through to success even if you've tried and failed before, have faith "
Where are you Gypsy? I hope you're so busy GALing that you can't get to your computer!
W2G
Ms ISH..
Excellent job on your birthday. I don't remember what the kids and I did for mine. Seems I have fuzz on the brain a lot now.
That reminds me.. we as a family having been going to FL for a week on the beach for the past 12 years. This year we agreed that H is taking the kids so that means I have to figure out what to do for that week. Any suggestions? I thought of going to a spa.. I think I was a cat in a former life. Someone suggested a cruise.. but the last one I was one, the ship was swept up in a hurricane, which while a great story (Where were you at the height of the storm? On the dance floor.. but it was more like a climbing incline) jaded my opinion of cruises.
I had the same thoughts of loss, more when Valentine's Day hit.. that he'd been my sweetheart for 25 years. I'm still in shock.
*gives you lots of b'day hugs*
Hey Whey!
I was doing the mundane.. bills, making appointments for things I've avoided, eating crap.. peeking on this site.. then bills, catching up on things.. peeking.
The DB posts where I know folks get lots of support, I skip and look for newcomers. Most of the time I get more out of what other people share than what I give. Folks here are very good at reminding me (inadvertently) how to keep a positive attitude.
Was it Brandon who wrote the post about how this site is all about people failing? I figure, whether that's the statistic or not, it's better to be here than in an angry stew all the time.
I just have to get used to the idea that H no longer has my best interests at heart.. that he's moved onto something else, living his own (secret) life. In a way it almost could be seen as liberating when I'm not in a state of bewilderment.
What happened to happily ever after with a nice but predictable life with a few bumps in it?
As they say in the Department of Motor Vehicles: NEXT!
*hugs*
ISH.. who's the astrologer?
Someone else on here said someone should open a "Left Behind Spouse Spa". It would be manditory that you have been betrayed. Then you enter for a weekend of pampering, venting, drinking, shouting, what have you. There would be therapists wandering around as well. Sound good??? Of course DB'ers would get a major discount.
I just have to get used to the idea that H no longer has my best interests at heart.. that he's moved onto something else, living his own (secret) life. In a way it almost could be seen as liberating when I'm not in a state of bewilderment.
My friend, once again, I think you live in my head. My H is so dark, I need a lantern to see him when he is right in front of me. He is respectful and polite, as he would be to a stranger he is helping across the street. Other than that, he is empty and gone, even when he is at the house. The space from his craziness, moodiness, and general walkawayspousyness...is very liberating though. Space is positive and negative in that aspect. HUGS!
It's funny you should mention that your H doesn't have your best interest at heart.. I actually said that to my H back in early January or late December. Something along the lines of it not being possible for him to "have my back" since he just knifed me in the back with his actions and words. Man, I was in a really dark, black hole. What they say is true, time is our friend and it does heal all wounds!
But enough about me. You are still working on becoming a happier and healthier Gypsy.. and it's going to take some time. Your H on the other hand seems to be on a solitary journey.. and his actions to push you away and have negative interaction with you are his "ugly" way of asking for space. You sound like you are giving him what he's requesting and that's all you can do for him... and that's the part that sucks. I find most of us LBS actually are similar in our need to fix things.. it's the inability to fix the scenario that we find ourselves in that causes the most pain. Not feeling in control. But truthfully we are in control. We are in control of ourselves. I hadn't realized how much of my power I had given away.. and only now am I gathering the strength to take my power back.
Gosh, I'm sorry. I really don't know what's gotten in to me tonight. I'm just babbling and not feeling like I'm making any sense.. All of this is stuff that you know already...
More than anything I just wanted to post to you and give you a hug. You've been a wonderful supporter of me and I just hope to be able to do that for you!
(((Gypsy)))
W2G
Bumping you up, and checking on you........
Hello Ladies..
Thanks for checking up on me. When the salt water waves engulf me, I take time to recoup.
There's a great site, Caring Bridge, which provides free personalized websites that support and connect loved ones during critical illness, treatment and recovery.
http://www.caringbridge.org/I found this prayer there..
"Christ shield me this day:
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every person
who thinks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me."
"The Breastplate of St. Patrick"
*hugshugshugs*
You're the best..
The rumor mill caught up with me earlier this week, something I have avoided like the plague. He's being mentioned by name around town and how he moved to another city to be with his girlfriend. Rumors sometimes contain a nugget of truth or a pound of illwill. He steadfastly refuses to tell me or the kids where he lives, which he is obligated to in the divorce papers. He's been gone over a month. His life is a secret.
I'd gotten miffed that his lawyer was sending his mail to our home address. Most of the mail consists of bills.. but correspondence from his lawyer was just too much. My lawyer told me to ask him where he lived, and to email her if he didn't tell. He explained his reasons and still never revealed the address. I wrote my lawyer, she faxed his lawyer, who didn't understand his secrecy. H never returned his lawyer's call and received a letter from him in the mail yesterday.
He immediately called me and was concerned and accusatory. I eventually shared with him the rumor and that I didn't want to know what he was doing, that any actions represented his own misery in his life. I didn't write the rules on the divorce papers. The issue wasn't the address, but his unwillingness to reveal it which was creating his problem. I suggested that if this is the life he wants to live, to embrace it and not hide. If you have to hide, what good are you doing yourself. You should be proud of what you do.
He never admitted or denied anything, but had several lengthy silences during our conversation, sharing that someone in the corporate office had asked him about the same rumor. He said it was a nasty rumor and he understood how it would upset me.
I heard the rumor Monday, the discussion was yesterday. Since yesterday I have never received this many phone calls, emails and texts (5 in total) in this time period. He went home sick shortly after our phone call and is staying home today, something he nevers does.
When I received the email this morning, I replied in a sympathetic manner and gave him a concise description of the event he missed (a banquet our son was part of).. just a brief note.
So.. 20% of me doesn't want to believe he has a girlfriend.. maybe a 'special friend' but not a girlfriend. 50% feels that the girlfriend rumor helps all the puzzle pieces fall into place. The remaining 30% doesn't have a clue.
I can't believe a man whose focus in life was integrity would lie. I can't believe a man who took pride in what was true and ethical would hide.
Before the bomb, I was concerned about his mental health, that he was going off the deep end.
I have no control over that now.
As this has progressed, I wonder about a MLC.
I have no control over that.
With the rumor, does he have a girlfriend?
I have no control over that.
What I am learning is that I have to stop flailing while trying to hold it together emotionally. As my DB coach suggested, just swim over to the side of the pool and hold onto the edge. Take care of myself, my children are watching and will come to me when they aren't afraid of me drowning them.
*hugs*
PS.. As an aside he said he felt I was pursuing him. How, I'm not begging, pleading.. I'm giving you all the space you need, I'm not holding on to someone who doesn't want to be with me. His reply was how could he not think that, based on all the books I had (DR, DB, etc). I told him that those books do say that staying married is the best thing for the kids, but it's all about getting a life, finding yourself again, improving who you are. If your spouse's interest is sparked, that's fine. But it's all about finding you and moving on.
PPS.. sometimes I get a little antsy here that other folks who may know me or him might be reading my posts.. paranoia or reality.. who knows?
PPPS... his address is still a secret
Gypsy, Gypsy, Gypsy.
Thank you for responding to my thread earlier today. I feel my words will be sorely lacking - you have such a way with expressing yourself. I imagine you must be a famous writer.
I am so sorry about the rumor mill. It's so difficult to understand what is happening. It's unfair that our spouses can decide to change the route and we have no say in the matter. I read so many stories on this site; I'm amazed by so many incredible people and I can't understand how their H/W could let them go. Don't they understand what a gift they had? Did they forget the person they fell in love with? I'm rambling and not making much sense, but after reading your threads, my heart is so full of love for you and I can't understand how your H could walk away without any effort to fix things. You. Are. So. Special.
Hey girl..
Your heart comes through in all you do.
Couples don't consist of one incredible person. If you're incredible, if I'm incredible, then the person we chose as a spouse, soulmate has to be incredible too.
Life gets in the way. What did work, doesn't. Unexpressed hurt, anger, frustration all build up. When we stop spending time together, when it's easier to avoid, not talk, no longer connect then we get where we are today.
Each of our reactions.. our spouse going one way, us coming here are different ways of coping. What's positive for one is hell for another.
My hope is that I learn.. learn to let go of hurt which kept me from talking, from pain that kept me from being open, from any number of things. I hope all the best for my spouse, with or without me... at least, I hope to hope that.
In forgiveness, of ourselves, of others who hurt us (most probably don't have a clue they did) we are freed to be the wonders we are.
You.. Are.. So.. Special..
*hugs*
I just love my St. Francis of Assisi moments!
My new focus.. let go, let go, let go.
Let go of making the kids help me with home projects, cleaning their rooms, etc. Pick the battles. Focus more on being the mom rather than being a prison guard. They need a parent more than a foreman.
Let go of worrying about H. He's a man who is on his own journey.
Let go of being fearful of the future (finances in particular). Things are only things.. and who knows, I may actually do something with my writing skills!
Let go of the comfort of fear. It's always so easy to be scared. I'm going to think of fear as a big ole playground bully. It only has as much power as I give it.
*hugs*
Let go. Hard but reality, huh?
Finances scare me as well. Every night on the way home from work, I see the Powerball billboard, and sigh, thinking "If only..." lol. But you are right, fear can paralyze us (I know it did this summer). I don't fear a D anymore, I fear for the kids well being.
You are right about the mom/foreman thing. Sit in the midst of the mess and just play. Then clean later. Or not.
Ms lwb..
Thanks for finding me, again. Sometimes I'm as strong as a marshmallow, flexible as rock.
I think when I get overwhelmed.. inundated with information, or if I'm seeking approval (would that be acting needy?) I twirl inside my bubble getting dizzier and confused.
Which door, key, shell, path do I choose when choices are being made simulatneously?
Maybe it's a tick list.
One for me.
One for kids.
One for DR
One for GAL
One for 180
One for the divorce (have to be responsible for the deadlines.. ugh)
I remember in the past I'd always get annoyed, asking.. Why am I the one who has to do all the change, all the work? In retrospect it's a good place to be.. willing to move forward, improve.
Someone suggested I do a triple 180.. clean house, organized bills and improved physique. Holy crap! Then he shared his DB coach had told him (this is me paraphrasing) what your spouse complains about in the relationship is how you can get through to him/her now. Holy crap!
So 180's are not just drudge work, they're an active method of communication. It hits on many different levels. Dang.
*hugs*
Oh Gypsy,
I can see it has been a particularly trying week for you, yet, you are managing to grow stronger. I know that with the new rumors your heart must be aching even more than previously. Your H seems to be adding insult to injury by being difficult as well as placing you in a difficult position. By not vilifying him you are acting as a role model for the rest of us.
It has got to get better.
ISH
...gathers the tidbits o love and makes a soft warm fuzzy...
Man I need those!
*hugs*
GPZ
You're from the northeast how far north and how far east? I'm from New England and it was snowing this morning! I'd take a walk but the wind is howling and the ground is covered.
ISH
Hi Gypsy,
I liked your comment about what 180's are!! Yes, they are unspoken communication!!
I also liked your let go..
I'm curious about your paranoia. What are the chances that someone you know would know about this site and then figure out who you are? In my case, my H actually saw the book.. so I guess if he really wanted to he could maybe find this site if he felt inclined.. but I know he couldn't be bothered. Are you worried that your H may find it or other people that are now in "the know"?
And then about the gossipers.. I really, really hate the rumor mill! Man, my sitch spread like wildfire through my work (I had taken all of January off on stress leave and when I came back everyone KNEW).. needless to say I was ticked. It was my business and if I hadn't discussed it with them they shouldn't know about it (just my opinion). What are you saying to these people now that your phone is ringing off the hook?
(((Gypsy)))
W2G
ohhh.. Ms ISH.. I feel so letter-iscious!
At first I thought..what is a GPS doing here.. then sounded it out and hello, I be GPZ!
I live in the southwestern area of the Northeast... The Nutmeg State.. Connecticut. We had serious winds but no snow.
Ms Whey...
My mild paranoia comes from the fact I love to explain and share things with people. I can't tell you how many folks I have told about the books and this site, about what a lifeline this has been for me. I am also close to people who revel in searching the internet for minutiae.
My biggest reason though, which I think wreaks havoc with all my interactions in life is that I had to keep lots and lots of bad hurtful secrets throughout my childhood.
Maybe it's as simple as.. If I'm telling, people must be finding out. If they find out it will be used against me. The world rotated around me as a child because a floodlight of fear was positioned over my head, never wavering in its intensity. I've never completely gotten over that sensation.
The rumor mill... that is so awful. I can't imagine it being true, and don't want to believe it. Who would spread lies like that? What is the truth?
People don't call and ask me. I've been out of the loop for the past 6 months or so because of a freak but serious head injury I'm slowly recovering from. If folks ask me how how my head is.. I know they don't know about the separation. If people keep asking me over and over about where H is, I tell as much of the truth as I know it.. "He's out of town." seems to be judicious. Most people I know are genuinely shocked when they hear the news, and others will tell they heard only after I mention it. I figure the ones who no longer ask me about H are respecting my privacy.
*hugs*
Let go of being fearful of the future (finances in particular). Things are only things.. and who knows, I may actually do something with my writing skills!
So you're saying you're not really a world-famous author incognito?
Then you BETTER do something with those skills. Mind blowing talent.
I was going to say something else, but now I forgot.
Just hang in there, ms. gpz!
I totally agree. You will do yourself and the world a favor if you spill out your creativity and intelligence for all to read. You are amazing with words.
Yes, 180's as a form of communication. I have been doing many of those. And funny, they helped me too. Go figure!!!
Gypsy, ISH said what I was thinking. Your week must have been long and painful, yet you picked yourself up, dusted off, and moved forward. That is the best thing you can do for you and your kids.
I would like to agree.. you should be getting paid for your eloquence!!!! Certainly worth investigating.. and would be great for your PMA and GAL!!!!
As for the rumor mill.. don't sweat it. It does more harm than good. It's not worth another thought.. so I'm going to stop talking about it.
Hugs,
W2G
While posting on another thread, I started writing about my experiences with online chatting, a world I was lost in for years. The attention, admiration and respect I felt were in complete contrast to my life in the real world where I felt like a failure.
H stayed by me while I was stuck in a zombie world. He'd try and tell me in every way he could how much my behavior of being online was destroying the family. I just became defensive, and wouldn't/couldn't talk. But could my mind churn but never resolve the questions within.
"Why did you go to China for two weeks just three weeks after I was suicidal leaving me alone with three children (6 months, 4 years and 8 years old)?
Why were you on a week long business trip the day after my tubal ligation? You wouldn't commit to a vasectomy after a year and a half, so I made the decision on my own. Sex equalled death in my mind. I didn't think I would survive another round of post partum depression (and yes, I was under a doctor's care, meds, etc and everything still went bad after our third).
Why didn't you seek counseling like you had promised me.. how your own issues were drowning me.."
In the midst of my remembrances, D13 started clattering things in the other room. I left the computer and we chitchatted and played with our little ratties (two little royal rats.. brown and white.. I am astounded I find them so adorable).
At one point she told me she'd been thinking of how well she's been adjusting to the change. "It's not your fault, it's not dad's fault.. This just happened. Mom, I'm used to it."
My little voice within that screeches.. but he left, He Left, HE LEFT.. was silenced listening to my daughter. How can you be used to it?.. my mind murmurs to itself... I'm not.
In that moment I wondered if I should jump off the merry-go-round and work with H for a completely amicable dissolution of what we once promised. Is that calm so complete to be real for my youngest.. or just a covering over the waters that run deeply.
*hugs*
Forget the rollercoaster, I'm riding a yo-yo!
Okay.. an ultimate GAL and 180.. doing something with the writing.
Any suggestions? I have tons of things I've written over the years. Maybe I could present them as a compilation of essays.. The World According to Gypsy.. and and and...
Take a chance?
*hugs*
First time posting here I think, but I couldn't resist: YES, take a chance! (I'll translate your first one in Greek)(which is by the way better than my English-
)
K
Do it! Start writing!!! And remember us when you are famous.........
Yes, TAKE A CHANCE. What's the worst thing that could happen? You could get rejected... so be sure you can deal with that amidst everything else.
If you're interested in travel writing let me know... I might have an opportunity for some freelance articles in the coming year. =)
I recently read the most amazing book, "Eat. Pray. Love." Something about that author reminds me of you. It's a great book. Looooooooove it.
Travel writing.. what is that, ms. g.. you get to travel and write about it? (goes weak at the knees.. a near swoon)
I read "Eat. Pray. Love" and found it enchanting. I lent it to a friend who has now made it her bible so I can't reread it!
Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. I'll wrassle a bunch of the wee tales, put them together in no particular order and then see what happens. I was in a writing group once and they said that you should send in the first three chapters. The challenge is getting someone willing to read them!
Oh yes.. and I signed up for a seminar for the week the kids and H are gone. Instead of being on the beach in FL, I'll be in the mountains on a retreat with daily hikes, yoga, and all sorts of workshops dealing with the vitality and health of midlife.
This is a 720 for me... going alone to something unknown, exploring spirituality, not asking permission and spending money and time on the intangible. It just sounds engaging. I'm really looking forward to this time!
Gypsy!!!
That sounds like a fabulous way to spend your time away from your kids!!!! Good for you.. love the 720!!
Hugs,
W2G
I'm trying not to think about H. He initiated a few texts about a gift for our daughter for her upcoming Confirmation. When I was free, I'd text back. He called.. after I was done with errands, I called back and we chatted briefly about our daughter and who would contact his family to see who was coming.
By the time I called his mom and two sisters, no one could come due to length of travel, soccer championships and illness. Each family had a different issue. It all works out for a reason, and the get together will be smaller with less chance of emotional implosions.
I have to let go of feeling left out, excluded when the kids talk to their dad. But like anything I get used to the twinges, more familiar. It's like nerve endings tingling lil messages.. "Get a life.. so it hurts.. he's left.. just do"
This morning while the kids were sleeping, I continued packing his clothes, folding the heavily starched dress shirts with the hangers on. It was kinda interesting to make the serpentine curves to get the shirts to fit without wrinkling. The suits went in too. I stopped worrying about which clothes were expensive and would he just toss everything. With an occasional dewy eye, I filled up the boxes. Golf shirts and golf jackets, bulky robes are left. The packed boxes were placed in the room so brightly lit by sunlight. I left the door almost shut so the kids wouldn't see the boxes on their way downstairs.
If it weren't for DR, I'm sure I'd be contacting him, cajoling, arguing my point of how unfair it is, pleading for him to love me. At times today I felt like a worm impaled on a hook, just twirling, dangling. Part of me wondered if I should be pursuing, letting him know how important he is, how vital he is to me, to our family. Asking how he call leave it all.
And then, words from the wise crop up.. give him his space, all the space he needs. Hope, any hope recedes into a bleak darkness and tears flow. I notice I'd better stop binge eating because the cellphone is nestled on my belly. It's alright to feel the tears as long as I get up and do something. What would I pursue.. each of us is evolving for what will come.
It's like playing masochistic peek-a-boo. YAY.. sunshine, hope and light.. OUCH.. darkness despair angst... THANK GOODNESS.. positive feelings strength... NOT AGAIN.. fear trepidation anxiety. The light is lasting longer, the dark still hurts but the knife is duller.
It's a mystery.. a journey.. and what a way to grow.
One last thing. So often I write about my suffering or challenges. I don't spend much time worrying about his. I get scared sometimes when I spend too much time posting here.. that the emotions I describe possess greater power than they should. It's about balance, isn't it?
On 9/11 I watched in shock, numb as it played out on the TV. Finally I got up, and went to the store. I didn't want those images seared any deeper into my brain.
The feelings I have now are valid.. but I can't give them free reign. This is a major event in my life but it's not going to be my life.
*hugs*
The way you write is utterly delicious.
You need to stop the binge eating. You know you're dulling the pain with the comfort of food, but it's not the answer. I know how it is. I've struggled with emotional eating for as long as I can remember. Fortunately, when it comes to relationship stress, I have a hard time forcing food into my mouth.
The retreat sounds perfect. I apologize for making you weak in the knees at the prospect of travel writing - I should've been more clear. No, we wouldn't be able to send you to exotic places and have you write about your experiences, but wouldn't that be a dream? What we would need are articles for a travel magazine - not exactly sure of the editorial content as of yet. However, if you're interested, I will most certainly keep you in mind as I'm mesmerized with your poetic writing style.
Have a happy day. Find something to appreciate and allow those feelings to dominate the sad ones.
xo,
girl
Well.. that weakened knee thing was a good thing, ms imp. I LOVE to travel, something I've haven't done that much since being married. I lived in Europe during my junior year of college. It was wonderful. Thanks for jolting that passion back to my consciousness.
I am enthusiastically interested in writing articles! The strange thing about my writing is that I can do it if I'm writing to an audience. It's tougher doing it for me. When I journal, it's handwritten.. and I haven't been journaling that much. Free from typing, like in these forums, is melodic to me. It's like a song from my soul warbles out.
*hugs*
Gypsy,
I agree, you are quite the writer. When can we expect your first literary work?
I too have some of the same concerns. Should I run after him and tell him I love him? History has shown that this has no effect on him. Although my marriage isn't restored yet DBing has done more for me than all the begging, pleading, declarations of love etc.
I also fear, do I post too much? I return with only the best of intentions: to get and give hope and to remind myself of the positive in my sitch. I sometimes find myself getting carried away venting my frustrations. I do know that either way my sitch turns out I must keep positive and I hope the same for you.
You are doing great!
hugs
I LOVE to travel, something I've haven't done that much since being married. I lived in Europe during my junior year of college. It was wonderful. Thanks for jolting that passion back to my consciousness.
GPZ
I wasn't able to log on when you asked for ideas for your week away. You have found something so much more growth enhancing and centering than what I was going to propose. Good for you! (You aren't going to Winvian by any chance?) It's not too far from my parent's house. I've never been there but each time I visit there seems to be an article in the paper about it. (I better not say anything derogatory until I find out if you are, in fact, not
staying there.)
Anyway, I was going to suggest you go on a cruise! (It's still a good idea, almost like that resort for LBSs who are GAL. Not
every cruise includes a hurricane on the schedule of events. :))
ISH
I'm going to a place in the Berkshires in Massachusetts. Cruises still seem a little weird to me.. but who knows. Maybe some day I'll go, sign up to try all sorts of whacky things and have the time of my life.
Daughter calling..
*hugs*
The place in the Berkshires seems PERFECT. When exactly are you going?
I posted this on someone else's thread, but when I read this you're the first person who popped in my fuzzy little mind. Rec'd from a friend today (not sure who to credit):
We cannot focus upon the weaknesses of one another and evoke strengths. You cannot focus upon the things that you think they are doing wrong, and evoke things that will make you feel better. You've got to beat the drum that makes you feel good when you beat it. And when you do, you'll be a strong signal of influence that will help them to reconnect with who they are.
Good stuff, huh?
Most excellent!
Does anyone know how to get hot glue off gel nails? It seems to be STUCK!
[quote=lwb]Someone else on here said someone should open a "Left Behind Spouse Spa". It would be manditory that you have been betrayed. Then you enter for a weekend of pampering, venting, drinking, shouting, what have you. There would be therapists wandering around as well. Sound good??? Of course DB'ers would get a major discount.
lwb;
Yes, I;ll take a double booking at the LBS Spa. You have an addresss for this place or should we all pull our funds together and open one ourselfs?
grid, lost
Does anyone know how to get hot glue off gel nails? It seems to be STUCK! [/quote]
Gypsy,
Here you are! I have found your new thread. Last locked and I have been trying to find you. Your posts are so wonderful to read. So your writing, tell more? novel, short stories, adult, childrens books??
have you ever sent any of your writings in for review to publish?grid, lost
Gypsy,
forgot to mention....GOSSIP!! I grew up in a life style I call the Public Arenea. that being my parents were very public people and we lived in small town environment.
So Gossip, best way to stop it, tell the truth. Don't run from it, just put the truth out there and there is nothing to gossip about. Remember: this is my favorite saying, "The Truth Shall Set You Free".!
grid, lost
Yay grid.. I've missed you!
Turns out if you really really really get underneath the glue, you can eventually lift it off. I'm not used to being high maintenance.
I like the telling the truth.. simple and sweet!
My writing has always been compilations of thoughts, essays. While in a writer's group, I tried to do a short short story but then the drama in the group became far more unbelievable that fiction. I've only sent one poem in.. didn't set my sites too high, to the New Yorker! Surprisingly, a rejection.
I get stuck in "how do I do XYZ" which I recognize now is just avoidance.
On a personal note.. I'm thinking my husband probably has been with someone for quite a while. It feels wrong to think that of him but too many behaviors don't add up.
With that thought, and how I'm always hammer in.. "It's none of my business." "It's a reflection of his own take (misery) in life." something came to me.
I hear the word "detach", "detach lovingly".. so I do what I think is right and leave myself dangling like that cute plump worm by actually impaling myself on the hook. Ouch!
My new thought, or take.. is that I leave. Not out of anger, not out of rejection.. just leave. Detaching is leaving. I leave emotionally. This treatment by my husband is bullying and disrespectful, not to mention, unloving.
Take the wick out of the candle.
Without the wick, the candle can't burn. It's just a cylinder of wax.
I've been out dangling on my hook feeling no sense of control.
I do have control.. over me.
I do have a choice.. on how I wish to be treated.
I do want a positive relationship but it has to be mutual.
So since I couldn't sleep, I've formulated Plan B, what I like to call:
"Putting DB to Work for Me."
The wick of my emotional candle is a nerve ending.
People who aren't nice to my wick, don't get to play with it!
My husband has entered the "No play" zone.
No wick for you, dear.
I can remove the wick of my emotional candle as needed.
Life is not about putting myself out to be stomped and beaten.
Life is to be lived with joy, strength and pride.
By removing the wick of my emotional candle
I take away outside manipulation.
I take care of myself.
I am still loving to those who are loving.
I am no longer helpless, always hurt, fearful, at risk.
I still believe in what brought my husband and I together.
I still believe in marriage.
I still believe in family.
I no longer believe I have to suffer to have hope.
Trying to figure out what is really going on is as helpful as plucking petals.. "He's not having an affair" "He is having an affair"... pluck pluck.. until the flower is bare. Guess what.. he's GONE, left, adios without a forwarding address!
Hello! Hasta luego, baby. Ya ain't got my wick no mo', no mo', no mo', no mo' (sing it with me!)
*hugs*
Singing with you, darling.
You are a genius. Really. Not blowing smoke. True genius.
Oh, and my hero!
An intereting book, a little long winded in parts, but helped me significantly over the past several months:
Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman
(removed link to website due to potential deletion by moderator)
Hi Gypsy,
I was just wondering if you've heard anything more about PWP? I'm not sure if I told you or not but I've paid them.. so I'm a member now. I figure the first outing I will go on will be something I can do with D2.. I'm a bit of a chicken sh!t to just go to one of the adult things all by myself right off the hop.
Thinking of you!
W2G
Ms. Whey
Haven't heard a PEEP! Perhaps I should find a number to call, rather than wait for an email response!
And Whey... how about a 180.. just go! You are so interesting and intelligent it's a shame not to bring joy to the life of others!
Ms. Imp...
Okay okay, I get the message! I'll try and find that book and see how it goes. Thanks for the encouragement for my thoughts.
That wick imagery and singing "no mo'" certainly kept my mood up today. The machinations of the divorce process are just invasive and pervading. My lawyer recommended something today which has me on edge. This morning it felt like the right thing. This afternoon, I second guessed myself. Now I figure, it's out of my control and we'll see where it goes.
Part of me is getting a little burnt out on alll this! Spending the day doing the financials.. just about every day.. is just.. I don't know the word. Ugh!
*hugs*
[
I was just wondering if you've heard anything more about PWP?
Wheretogofromhere,
May I ask???? What is PWP?
grid, lost
On a personal note.. I'm thinking my husband probably has been with someone for quite a while. It feels wrong to think that of him but too many behaviors don't add up.
Gypsy,
Yep, afraid so . Did not want to post saying that until you had time to come around to seeing his behavior as it is.
MLC, WAS, they are selfish, cruel and hurtful. Protect yourself, GAL, and don't let H hurt you, even if you have to stop having contact for a while.
<<<hugs>>
BTW, where are you submitting your next writing? Takes many rejects for one accept.
grid, lost
Hi Grid,
PWP is Parents Without Partners.
W2G
Discovery of another person is just almost too much to bear sometimes. Gypsy, I am so sorry if this is true. However, we are smart enough to know its not about any other person. But I swear, my separation from my H would be a lot easier if I didn't know he was out there dating/flirting.
I have realized just how selfish my H has become. What had made him this way, I don't know. But it hurts.
HUGS
Ya know.. the image of removing the emotional wick from the candle works wonders for me. It just doesn't hurt.. and I still say, an affair might not be true.
How he left is personally upsetting, on his own terms without me being a part of the process. He left because he was miserable, didn't want to feel like he soldiered on through surviving this life. He left without allowing any discussion, focusing on a divorce instead. He made up his mind, by himself and left. From his perspective he was a martyr for sticking it out as long as he did. And the kids had a father for all those years.
I don't know how he feels, I don't know what he does, I don't see him. I have plans the one night he takes the kids out. I'm not here. He is becoming someone I barely talk to. It's comfortable when I hear his voice, and I feel a stirring of what family means when we talk of the kids
Pointing fingers at spouses only hurts us. You know the old saying, "When you point a finger, three fingers are pointing back at you."
I've already lived a lifetime of hate, being hurt, angry, helpless, fearful from being sexually molested my entire childhood on a regular basis. It has taken a lifetime to climb out of that well, and I still feel ickiness. As wonderful as I am, I'm skewed when it comes to certain things, anything that involves trust.
My husband loved me in a way no one else ever has. He wanted to know me.. the me within and was not swayed by my distractions, my fear of being so worthless on the inside. When he chose to love, he loved fully with heart, mind and soul.
We both screwed up. We've raised three incredible loving children. We've had 26 years of knowing each other.
He left an untenable situation. The more he is gone, the more I realize how empty a life we lived, held together by a love of family, respect and love for each other but an emptiness created by intentional and unintentional compromise and unspoken decisions.
With his physical departure, I was forced to see the life we had. I do not want the marriage we've shared, a relationship where I was always walking on eggshells always feeling I never did anything right. And you know who did that to me? ME! Instead of GAL, I had LAG (Lost all gumption). Having 180's? No way, I flat-lined!
I believe in miracles. I could wish upon a star that the beauty of love that seemed our destiny would return.. with both of us transformed into a couple who turns to each other, rather than away.
But ya know what.. I have one life in this body. I have a compassionate heart and a joy in life. I love. I smile. I hug.. oh my goodness, do I love hugging! Life isn't over, what is best isn't gone if I keep moving on, walking tall, embracing what the world has to offer with a smile.
The anger, the anguish, the fear will ebb and flow, but I am going to push away embracing them. I don't need anymore sludge in my life.
You are all good, wonderful, noble people with hearts almost as big as your smiles. You and I deserve to be happy. Our happiness is only a heartbeat and a smile away.
I own my joy.
*hugs*
Wow Gypsy. I am very sorry for your childhood. So very sorry. I work in the federal government and witness people (like the person who hurt you) get put away every single day. No child should feel any sort of pain/anguish growing up.
From his perspective he was a martyr for sticking it out as long as he did
I hear rumblings of this has well. When his PA first started, he said we (me and him) had been unhappy for 6 months, then it turned to a year, and so on, waaaay back. He has been 'sticking it out' for years, like your H.
a relationship where I was always walking on eggshells always feeling I never did anything right. And you know who did that to me? ME! Instead of GAL, I had LAG (Lost all gumption). Having 180's? No way, I flat-lined!
Yes!! And add to this: I tried to be perfect for everyone and ended up failing everyone, including myself and my H as well.
It's comfortable when I hear his voice, and I feel a stirring of what family means when we talk of the kids
Yes, but it also makes me feel so very lonely too.
I realized lately that I have (and you!) so many happy moments in our days. We need to focus on those, learn from those, and continue to love, honor and cherish, not only our H's, but especially ourselves.
Realizations emerge like spring flowers, squiggling in their birth and opening to the sun.
Trust preceded love. With trust I learned I could depend on my husband. The scale tips when I slipped from trusting, depending on my husband to being dependent on him for his approval.
Imagine a caterpiller soothingly wrapped in a cocoon, protected. But something changes. The being within the cocoon doesn't want to leave it. The cocoon feels the need to protect. A push/pull ensues. Growth doesn't happen, stagnation occurs all out of doing something that was once loving.
Eventually the cocoon wears out, tattered and torn. The butterfly finds the reality of light, color too much for the wings that have never stretched, the breeze never felt.
Anyway.. it sounds a little trite, so I'm stopping. A positive relationship that did things for all the right reasons goes overboard. Eventually something pops and reality changes for everyone concerned.
Decimation of the cocoon, flight of the butterfly. Growth and change. Acceptance and awareness. Giving.
I don't hate my husband for what he did. I just have to love myself for who I am.
*hugs*
I have realized just how selfish my H has become. What had made him this way, I don't know. But it hurts.
HUGS
[/quote]
Well said and we all second this statement. Your words are the voice of 100s.!
grid,lost
Gypsy,
Well said !!!!!
My H left me for OW after 20 yrs. His departure, 4 line note, plans made for months, all while I was at a Dr. appointment discussing my deep concern about H's well being and mental health issues !!!!
Now that was a real slap in the face....nearly 18 months ago.
I now realize, thank Gypsy, I am still playing the victim.
grid, lost
The anger, the anguish, the fear will ebb and flow, but I am going to push away embracing them.
I hear ya about the ebb and flow. It is difficult but going to push on with efforts for new job and life for 5D.
I don't need anymore sludge in my life.
that gives me pause to think---a lot---for me, I don't want to feel like sludge anymore. Planning for my future helps. New job I think will really help me. I'd be happier with a "normal day".
gl2u
Hi Gypsy,
How is my little butterfly today? Is she gathering the strength she needs to fly?
I'm not sure why it's taking so long for you to hear back from PWP. I really don't see how they could turn you down anyway.. you are a parent, without a partner. So it fits!!!
Have you looked into online contests for short stories? I think on top of getting it in print.. getting it on the internet is great too!!
By the way.. I think your last line from your previous post puts everything in the right context "I don't hate my husband for what he did. I just have to love myself for who I am." I am trying to do exactly that too!!
(((Gypsy)))
W2G
Hey GPZ,or, shall I call you GPC?
You've been doing a lot of thinking and growing since we first "met". Is there any update on what your H is doing about the D? Perhaps he is not moving forward as quickly as it first appeared?
Also, I mentioned a website a while ago, I tried replying but the computer ate my post. Do a google search for cainer and try listening to a clip of his voice. Even if you are not necessarily a believer you find his advice to be helpful as well as soothing.
ISH
Gypsy,
I'm sad to learn about your childhood experiences. So heartbreaking. Knowing what you've been through, I'm in awe at how incredible of a person you became. I have elevated YOU to DEMIGOD status!
I hope you have a happy day. Enjoy your daughter.
I wish I could give you a big ole' in-the-flesh hug. I bet you're the B E S T hugger ever.
Dear Husband,
Yesterday we went for a walk, the first time we've been alone in ages. You wanted to tell me what has really been going on. I went to listen. You spoke telling me of a friend, of dates you went on, of how you ended up living with her when you left. I listened. Some thoughts went shooting through my mind, keeping me from hearing. I silenced them and listened.
Something I thought would destroy me, didn't. I felt relief. Relief that the puzzle pieces fit together. Relief that I no longer had to struggle to believe you'd never ever do this. I just listened as my perceptions of you changed.
At one point I just looked in your eyes. You were talking about something about the divorce and I looked.. not gooey eyed, not sorrowfully.. just looking into the blue of your eyes, much paler than I remembered. When they were that soft pale, it usually meant you were happy, relaxed. I looked and looked but couldn't see you, couldn't see my (insert favorite endearment). There was no connection.
I looked, seeing more of the face, zooming out and felt like sand in an hour glass was just flowing out. It wasn't painful, it was just a shusshing emptying. I didn't know you, but knew you. The person you are now can't hurt who I am.
That night I decided it was a good time to journal. Oh, how I wrote. I wrote what I didn't say while I listened. How the trust was broken. How I'd never imagined you to be a liar. And how even what you told me was just another lie. There was no truth.
And then... ooops. I remembered when I'd hurt you. Oh god. Is this what it felt like for you? How do you trust someone who's lied to you? How do you get past it?
Well, dear, now I know what NOT to do.
Do not hold onto guilt.
Do not survive.
Do not hold onto pain.
Do not be afraid.
I guess DO's are better..
Do turn to each other, regardless of how uncomfortable it is. This pain is but a smidge compared to the pain of divorce.
Do let go of guilt, shame. These are defensive shields that keep you from facing reality. What a horrible way to protect myself by constantly ripping myself apart.
Do forgive.. myself, each other, the other. It takes two to get married, two to fall apart.
Do try different things.
Well, sweetheart, things look pretty grim. The lawyers are lining up, letters flying. My goal is to have a family that is safe for my... our children. My goal is to be the incredible, adorable wonderful person I am. My goal is not to fear, to embrace the change. My goal is to keep the divorce separate from family involvement.
My goal is to forgive you.. to forgive me. And to apologize from the core of my heart for the sorrow and pain I have caused you. What brought us together was magical, spiritual and so encompassing. We would last a lifetime. Thank you for at least a quarter.
Love..
Wife.
Oh, Gypsy. I wondered why you were so quiet lately.
I wish I could take away your pain.
xoxoxoxoxo,
((((Gypsy))))
So sorry to hear your latest news.. but at least he finally had the guts to talk to you about it. I imagine it was horrible to hear.. but that it probably felt surreal at the same time.
You have the right focus.. yourself and your kids..
I'm just so sorry that you (or any of us on bb) are going through this!!
Hugs,
W2G
Gypsy,
If you want to escape to central California, you have an open invitation to visit me as long as your heart desires. Spring has sprung in this part of the world and I have an guest bedroom just waiting to be occupied. I know you don't know much about me, but I feel so close to you... I just think you're one of the most special people ever in the history of the world and it tears me apart that your heart is hurting. I am very sincere with my invite.
Much love to you,
Rachel
Oh man, *hugs*.. As I read your notes while I'm working on cocooning while growing, being resilient, facing my goals.. happy tingly warm lil tears spring to the corners of my eyes. You are a balm of calm to my injured soul, soothing beyond words.
Today is my.. our daughter's confirmation. My oldest brother is visiting and will be here until Tuesday. We stay so busy, and I've had so much stuff with my husband and divorce going on that I haven't been here.
With all the emotions, it's been better to DO rather than to WRITE. So you won't see me much until later next week.
Thank you thank you thank you...
*hugs*
PS.. I've heard of gypsy moths.. are there gypsy butterflies now?
PS.. I've heard of gypsy moths.. are there gypsy butterflies now?
Yes, indeed, you lovely butterfly, you.
Best wishes with your activities this weekend/week.
We'll miss you.
PS.. I've heard of gypsy moths.. are there gypsy butterflies now? [/quote
]
Gypsy,
Yes, and Butterfly, you're flying now !!!!
Be Free, be at peace. You some of the truth and that is always best.
<<<HUG>>>
grid, lost
*hugs hugs everywhere* Thank y'all so much!
Some quick thoughts..
Ms. imp.. you are sweetness incarnate with a beautiful yearning expressive soul. The positive caring thoughts you write astound me and make me feel incredible.
With that said, ms missy.. I ain't goin' on that pedestal yer makin' fer me.. no way no how! It is a temptation, but nut 'uh.. mmm.. mmMM..MMm.. mmMM. Mm MMM Mmmmm.
Ya know what I'm doin' sweetheart? I'm lookin' at this column of love you share which is a beautiful thing. Now watch... I'm tippin' it over so that it's a surface we both share.. that 's available to others and you... kinda like a 'love log'.
Now, come sit by me and talk, feel the goodness you radiate. Do you know why you're drawn to me so strongly?
I'll wait for your reply.
*hugs*
Something incredible happened yesterday at our daughter's confirmation. The family was there.. me, my husband, the kids, my two brothers. I got to the church first to get the location I liked and save seats. My husband arrived second and we chitchatted. When our sons came, I moved to the other end of the aisle to sit with my brother and have space. I later wondered if I should have stayed near my husband (possible DB opportunities to be close, etc) but then I figured, it wasn't about me that day, it was about my daughter, her time; it was about the kids and us all being together. That this first time with more than just us would be a baseline for all the future significant events in our children's lives.
When it came time for Communion, my husband stayed seated. Somewhere between getting in line for the sacrament and getting back in the row something changed in me. I wanted to sit next to my spouse. I felt it was important to be there. It wasn't a mad clanging bell going off, or some "I have to be me", "Do it for the children" response. The right place for me to be was next to him.
I had to walk all the way around, because I would have had to climb over six other people to get to where our part of the aisle started... and all my family was behind me. As I walked into the pew, I thought about letting my sons in first, but blew it off.. and just plunked by Kevin (not his name.. just tired of impersonal nouns. Kevin would have been my name if I was a boy).
I sat briefly as the kids.. my sons settled.. then remembered that we were supposed to kneel and pray. Oh my goodness I prayed.. it was like a song to the soul, initially just with words then thoughts.. then just openning.
If I think of the first part of the ceremony, lots of emotion and hurt define it, bittersweet memories, ironies. The second half of the mass, after Communion is a calm, almost unremembered, but very peaceful. What a beautiful gift I was given.. just a tranquil essence of being next to the father of my children during a significant event. Something in the moment. Being a family for that moment in time.
*hugs*
New goals..
.. refer to "Kevin" as my husband, as Dad, as my spouse.. not impersonal initials or derogatory names. For me, WAS is a constant slap, reminding me that oopps.. he DID walk away. I mean really.. do I need to be reminded of that? Stop gonging yourself with the frying pan, Gypsy!
.. take parenting classes for couples in conflict. I'm halfway through the state mandated one for divorcing couples and what a godsend it's been! It gets the focus back on what's most important.. the health and well being of your children.
.. try not to dissect the relationship, "Kevin's" every action or word.. now and in the past. That's like scrubbing an open wound with an electric sander.
.. share and feel the emotions with those I trust and when they come up.
.. do it for ME.. cuz that's the only way to build a solid foundation.
Y'all are the best... give yourself a pat on the back and big ole hugs.
*hugs*
*hugs hugs everywhere* Thank y'all so much!
Some quick thoughts..
Ms. imp.. you are sweetness incarnate with a beautiful yearning expressive soul. The positive caring thoughts you write astound me and make me feel incredible.
With that said, ms missy.. I ain't goin' on that pedestal yer makin' fer me.. no way no how! It is a temptation, but nut 'uh.. mmm.. mmMM..MMm.. mmMM. Mm MMM Mmmmm.
Ya know what I'm doin' sweetheart? I'm lookin' at this column of love you share which is a beautiful thing. Now watch... I'm tippin' it over so that it's a surface we both share.. that 's available to others and you... kinda like a 'love log'.
Now, come sit by me and talk, feel the goodness you radiate. Do you know why you're drawn to me so strongly?
I'll wait for your reply.
*hugs*
Ahhh, the love log. I'm sittin' next to you and I do feel the goodness I radiate. Nice. But why am I drawn to you so strongly? Maybe I'm as incredible as I think you are? I dunno! Tell me!
Imagine me giving you big BIG hug now.
Good luck with your family. Your kids are so lucky to have you.
Yay! You and I are pretty dang fabulous.
Thanks so much for everything, Gyp-c.
xoxoxoxoxo,
Hi Gypsy,
You are always most courteous! Your husband has such a loving and wonderful wife and he's not able to see it. The fact that you want to call him by a name, Kevin, instead of a letter speaks volumes!
Hugs to you darlin',
W2G
It's tough Ms. Whey. I feel better than I have in years, with him gone. I have a space on my love log for him, but as far as he's concerned it's over. He's moved on, moved in with another woman, is not the man I knew.
My confusion and pain mean nothing to him. He's gone, he's on to newer and better things (in his eyes). So, that means I dust myself off, embrace living life without him. Perhaps cutting the cord makes all the difference... for me. He's the father of my children. He is my husband in name only, for the amount of time that remains. The 10th was to be our 25th anniversary. Neat number, hollow occasion. I think I'll give myself a day of beauty to embrace the ever changing me.
A new stanza for me:
Respect myself.
Give respect to others.
Embrace those who respect me.
My brother told me:
Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
*hugs*
Hey Gyspy, Sorry about your upcoming anniversary. Mine is 5/1. I wonder what H will think about that day.
I am congested today and when I spoke with H on the phone, he was immediately defensive, thinking I had been crying. Your H, like mine, has no room in their lives for our pain, our betrayal, and our confusion. Its an annoyance to them.
Day of beauty is in order, my friend.
Hello, lovely Gypsy.
You definitely deserve that day of beauty. I'm so proud of you and in awe of your strength. I wish I could be as strong as you are emotionally. Today I feel... alone. And it frightens me. I wish you weren't so far away so I could take a walk with you. In my mind I'm sitting on your love log and my arms are wrapped around you. Hope all is well with your family visit. Your brother sounds as wise as you.
Alright..
I am officially lost. I have no clue about what the reality of my marriage is/was.
From outside looking in, I'm told that
- my husband checked out years ago, through his frustration with my actions.
- he loved me as deeply as he could given his own emotional limitations.
- based on the type of person he is, once he makes up his mind, he won't change it because of his pride.
- this divorce he is so passionately pursuing is a business project he is dedicated to complete.
- him being nice to me was the exception rather than the rule.
When I think about our marriage I know he
- saved my life
- wanted to know the "me" inside like no other
- didn't want to need me, and pushed away
- had great compassion, integrity and drive
- withdrew emotionally and physically when things were difficult for him
- was extremely frustrated with my shortcomings as a housekeeper from missing socks to messy rooms
- eventually just worked and played golf with minimal family interaction
When I think of our marriage I know I
- gave up when I realized nothing I did could ever please him
- zoned out on computer games etc
- was focused on the children
- felt connected to him to the very core.
I'm thinking of a thread SG posted with Brand New? who ticked off all the things to ask yourself when your marriage is bleak.
Is it that easy...
care about your appearance
lose weight
find yourself again
be appealing
I guess it's a choice between hopelessness and hoping.
He's living with another woman now, the kids don't know. He only admitted it to me after a contempt motion was filed. His address is still a secret to all.
(((((Gypsy)))))
Butterfly!
(((((Gypsy)))))
..flutter flutter..
I'm riled!
Good morning, beautiful one. Aren't you going to enjoy a day of beauty today?
HUGS,
lil' ole me
Gypsy,
I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you today. I know it can't be easy. Please be good to yourself today.
Much love,
ISH
I think today is a hard day for you, if I remember. I loved your previous long post. So much of it I could say for myself. HUGS!
The 25th anniversary of the marriage was far different then I ever imagined.
The silver lining is... I accepted what I don't have, and embrace what I do have.
A spouse respects, loves, protects, is the cheerleader in the corner, best friend, someone you can trust or turn to in a time of need... a husband, a wife.
Based on his actions, I no longer have a husband.
Since he no longer holds that cherished position, I do not give away the beauty of being a wife, someone who does for the sake of doing, based on love and respect.
No one is perfect, everyone is flawed.
In the end, I am blessed with three incredible children, memories of a time of love and trust, supportive family and friends and..
a new beginning based on respect, love and trust in and for myself radiating to those around me.
Silver linings and new beginnings...
..flutter flutter...
*hugs*
How did you slather yourself with love yesterday???
I am blessed with three incredible children
you are...
How did I slather myself with love?
Three lovely people took me out for three different meals. The greatest sustenance was their company and sharing.
I wrote a note to my family of appreciation.
I realized the difference between dreams and reality.
I felt grateful and blessed for what I have in my life.
I had a great DB coaching session which helped me pinpoint what I need most now.
I felt much more happiness than sorrow.
I did fun things with my daughter.
I'm growing up up up.
*hugs*
Gypsy, you are inspirational! Your way with words are amazing!
Thanks for the kind words, Ready..
Oddly enough, the day just happened. I took advantage of opportunities, went outside my comfort zone and sought out others.
*hugs*
It's not about recognition from other.. but about recognizing who I am.
His approval does not define my self worth.
Sentences beginning with 'him', 'he' are outlawed, along with 'poor me' statements.
I am no longer a victim.
I will move out of that comfort zone.
It's easier to be the one left behind when it comes to getting sympathy... but guess what.. that does nothing positive when it comes to living a full and productive life.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will accept the unknown, the fear.
I will trust those who are worthy.
I will take chances that lead to positive goals.
I will embrace change, be more flexible, listen without talking.
I will leave the crap where it lands and not carry it with me.
What other people say about me is none of my business.
What I say about others is my choice.
I will spend time on what brings joy, renewal and growth.
I will move to a better place in my life without worrying about should have's, would have's, could have's.
I will let go of how I let his choices disable me.
I will focus on where MY choices will take me.
I will not be perfect, the epitome of anything.
I will be a wonderful woman with heart, grace, soul and farts.
I will accept all of me, even the crap I don't like.
I'll clean my mind, unload the stuff that's been stuffing it. Just let go of the clutter I cling to.
I will remember to smile fo no reason, if only to keep that downturned line by my mouth from getting any deeper.
I will remember to wear sunblock.
I will embrace those who relish who I am, and not worry about the others.
I will not view myself through other people's eyes.
I will listen to what is said to me in love, concern, support, hate, disrespect and will make my own choices.
I will learn to separate my knee jerk reactions of emotions from what is truly good for me.
I will love me.. as wonderful, whacky, imperfect, gooky, sad, happy and however else I might be.
I will love others without the fear of the past crippling me.
I will live my life without the blanket of my fears and insecurities.
I will not scratch the wound.
I will accept and own what is mine and flush the rest.
I will heal, be happy, healthy and grateful for all that life has given and will give me.
And I will never be afraid to..
*hug*
Wow Gypsy. That was beautiful. Thank you for always sharing your thoughts. For you are motivation to keep going.
I will embrace those who relish who I am, and not worry about the others.
I'm one of the many, many, many, many who relish who you are.
Your post was brilliant. I'm going to print it and keep it with me and borrow it as my own mantra.
Big ole' H U G!
I know you're away but just wanted to say hello. Looking forward to hearing about your experience upon your return.
Miss you.
Hi Gypsy,
Hope you're enjoying yourself while you're away!!!!!
I'm glad that you were in the company of 3 lovely people on your anniversary.. although it wasn't the day you imagined it did have a lot of pluses... so that's a very good day!
Hugs,
W2G
Hello all..
All I can tell you is... yoga is incredible!
I went to a 5 day seminar on Health and Vitality in Midlife at Kripalu in MA. I had no expectations, aside from a very full itinerary of sessions and scheduled activities. What a wonderful learning experience it was.
I learned so much about nutrition, eating right, cooking right, living in a way that promotes incredible health now and for my future. Just the whole method of the deep breathing astounded me.. initially because I couldn't take a breath, and then with the way that breathing correctly allowed so many emotions to just drift up.. in a gentle way, like raindrops of tears.. almost soothing in their release.
The focus was on me, not the kids, not "Kevin".. and as the days progressed.. oh my goodness, I just shed the need to carry the weight of this divorce on my shoulders.
I am so sad about this turn of events in my life. Yet I feel so much joy in what I discover within myself. Two images came to mind when I was journaling.
A dirty bottle of Dom Perignon stuck in tar muck, tilted off kilter... yet when you pop the cork, inside is lightness, effervesence, joy. The exterior can be scoured and clean, but what is within is what is most important. Just because this situation sucks doesn't mean my life, my vitality has too, too!
A large welcoming tree, with bark showing some signs of its age. The branches are wide and strong, sheltering. The leaves are thick and full, singing a song in the breeze. Yet within, the core has rotted, it's hollow, empty.
I think the tree shows how I feel with an awareness I didn't have when I was married. I would do anything for family, even drift into a non-intimate relationship. I'm thinking I want to be a spring, bubbling renewal and goodness to all around me.
I learned what being 'centered' is. Like the airline attendants say.. In case of a loss in altitude, put the mask on yourself first.
So much of this situation has been a ping-pong of emotion, always reacting to what is thrown my way. Now I realize, I can breath deeply in a way that calms me, centers me.. being in the moment. If someone is doing something hurtful, I can look at their behavior and realize they have their own journey. As long as I hold the calm within, then I choose how to.. or not.. respond to provocation.
*hugshugshugs*
Our exquisite butterfly has returned!!! I LOVE*LOVE*LOVE your Dom Perignon analogy. How does your brain come up with this amazing stuff???
Gotta run to painting class. Be back later. Soooo glad your back. You've been missed!
hugs-hugs-hugs-HUGS-HUGS-HUGS-BEAR-HUGS!!!
Ms imp..
Try having a cranial-sacral session. They usually have it at spas or other places of well being. It is amazing what comes up and what your body holds!
That's where those two images came from.
*hugs*
The retreat was phenomenal.. eating right, exercising, learning about nutrition, the body, breathing, being around positive people in an open environment. I felt like I'd been led there.
While he and the kids were at our FL vacation "Kevin" told the kids he was dating someone. He informed me in an email I didn't receive til I got home. He had a great line which I think is a great way to live .
"..Having upfront discussion(s) will keep us together and avoid the fractures that our family can encounter if we avoid topics that are hard to talk about, but are central to our lives."
It's striking that wasn't present in our marriage. It's something I'm going to embrace.
I guess he told a partial truth, what was most comfortable for him, that he was dating someone.. and not telling that he'd been involved with her for who knows how long during our marriage and was now living with her.
But you know what.. that doesn't matter.. and this is what I hate about telling about it.. because it takes away from me.
I don't know if I can do the DBing as described. My marriage feels like an empty husk, one that has been far emptier for far longer than I ever imagined.
He stayed for the family which is commendable.
The way he physically left was reprehensible with one lie crisscrossing over the other.
In the end, he's been gone for years.
The only thing I feel is the essence of joy and trust that brought us together... a beautiful memory.
I see him as a stranger, someone I don't know or would really want to with his current behavior.
While at the retreat, someone said.. You keep referring to him as your husband.
"Isn't he?" was my reply, "we aren't divorced."
"If he came to you on his hands and knees and begged you to take him back, would you?"
My first thought was that "Kevin" would never do that. The second was yes, I would accept him with conditions. The third was.. would I want to risk losing this joy and beauty that is within me to fall back into such a one sided relationship?
Like Henry Ford once said:
"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right"
*hugs*
Acceptance.. Embracing..
All this just annoys the living daylights out of me. I'm going through an angry thing about how "Kevin" unpeels his onion.. I don't know. I can't think of it from my perspective anymore, because it makes me a victim. The more I say "he he he" the less I embrace the choices I have.
I can feel anger from his actions, without the need to be spiteful and hurtful.
I don't have to keep killing that horse to know it just ain't gonna move.
I can embrace this wonderful sense that exudes from me, so full of joy and love of life.
I can let go of what I thought I had.
I don't need to understand who or what "Kevin" is now.
I can feel hurt, betrayed, denied, left out of the loop but not let those emotions control me.
I can turn to others..
Support is a comfort, not a weakness.
I can shred the need to overthink, over analyze, over do and just be in the moment.
If I fear something, I'll do it, address it. Isn't that what 180's are all about?
I can grow, love, heal.
*hugs*
See this towel..
I'm wringing it..
I'm snapping it..
I'm throwing it in..
I'm taking it back..
I'm done with it..
I'm mopping with it..
I'm ripping it..
I just don't know what the heck to do with this towel.
It's worn out..
It's tattered..
It's stained..
It was beautiful..
It was precious..
I just don't know what the heck to do with this towel.
I could wash it..
I could mend it..
I could treat the stains..
I could throw it away...
What the heck do I do with this towel?
*hugs*
Welcome back Gypsy!!!
My first thought was that "Kevin" would never do that. The second was yes, I would accept him with conditions. The third was.. would I want to risk losing this joy and beauty that is within me to fall back into such a one sided relationship?
I don't know what to make of these feelings either. I fear (after the reality that your K and my H would not want to come back) that our R could never be good again. I don't see H changing. And I love my new changes and fear I would lose them if I 'settled' back into a life with H.
That being said, I still mourn our marriage, the time we have spent together. I hurt for my children who didn't ask for this.
In theory it would be a new marriage, where both folks had a better understanding of what it took to make something work. At least I know I'm learning lots of things I never thought about before.
The hardest thing about posting continuously is avoiding the feeling that I'm a victim. In a victim frame of mind, I'm powerless, everything is based on what "Kevin" does and how effects me. The more helpless I feel, the more I tend to listen to others.. which usually includes justification for lashing out. When that happens it usually hurts me in the long run, takes a toll on the kids and everything gets more unsettled because I'm reacting.
Who knows what the future may hold..
Ahhh.. my daughter is calling..
*hugshugshugs*
Actually, I think I'll go back to how I thought when I first came here. When I didn't know that "Kevin" had been in a relationship with someone else (ouch, that still hurts) for a while. When I didn't know what I know about him now.
He's on his journey. He can have all the time and space in the world.
His journey created my unwilling journey.
What have I learned, am learning?
If I think about what is good for me, I do very well. When I think about "Kevin", I get all annoyed and icky. So, once again, no more "Kevin" thought.
I will live a wholesome life with an emphasis on the good, on raising my children, on being involved in my health, well being and community. I will actively seek support as needed, whether it be through friends, health care, mental and physical well being or whatever works.
My life will be my own, my mistakes and failures my own, learning from both. I will acceptance who I am. I'll work on the weakness and build the strengths.
I will forgive myself when I screw up, tell my negative voice within that it can't talk to me that way anymore, be direct and stand tall.
I'll be me; sunshine, joy, laughter, warts and all.
*hugs*