Locked another thread here's a link to the last one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1324943&page=0&fpart=14Nothing much has changed, although W said she's trying to get on in the jewelery dept at the store she works at. She'll have more regular hours as that dept isn't open 24 hrs.
Her R with S27 and S26 has deteriorated to almost no contact, they have quit trying to call her as she never returns their calls. Last weekend W did go to S27's house to visit him, his W and our GD. I think she's in a MLC, maybe she's starting to come out of it now. She has reconnected with some of her friends she hasn't talked to for quite a while and also with S27.
Court date was continued to March 31. Magistrate thought the timing of her filing for D was bad. She filed 2 weeks after I got home from the hospital from quad bypass surgery. Basically I was an invalid, unable to pick up anything more than 5lbs, in almost constant pain and on strong meds. I had just returned to work 1 week prior to court date.
The only time I see W is at D24's house, try to be upbeat, PMA, not talk about us or our R or M.
Mike
FA,
I had seen that post or one similar to it a while back. I tried to see where she was on the stages and tried to look for a time frame when she might come out. I realized that is an exercise in futility. I see where she has traveled many of the steps in MLC, I've tried to leave her alone although with her sleeping almost every hour she isn't working, I have voiced my concern over the amount of time she sleeps. Told her it could be depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, onset of diabetes, hypoglycemia, or menopause. And some other medical conditions that could make her sleepy all the time. Our D19 was sitting next to her on the couch and screaming at the top of her lungs a song that GS loves. My W didn't wake up or flinch or move a muscle, just kept sleeping.
Unable to help our S is the one thing that is so very hard deal with.
How are you D and the dog getting along? Getting some good training? Do some special things with D, she is probably confused as to why her daddy left her, and might think she had something to do with him leaving. We know it has nothing to do with the kids but in their minds sometimes they think if only they had been better, more well behaved that he wouldn't have left.
Have you had any contact with H recently?
Mike
Told her it could be depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, onset of diabetes, hypoglycemia, or menopause. And some other medical conditions that could make her sleepy all the time. Our D19 was sitting next to her on the couch and screaming at the top of her lungs a song that GS loves. My W didn't wake up or flinch or move a muscle, just kept sleeping.
mike
there must be something medical wrong with your W. I have never heard of anyone sleeping like she does. Believe me, in depression you can really sleep. But hers is such a deep sleep that is a bit scary. To bad W will not take better care of herself.
grid,lost
Grid,
I know it's not normal to sleep as much as w does. She thinks nothing is wrong because she says she can stay awake if there is something to do, but the minute she sits down she'll be asleep in less than 5 minutes. Going to try to set up a coaching session this week.
mike
D24 stopped on her way home from work last night to pickup some mail. I was shocked when W walked in with her. She stayed for about two hours, another shock. I didn't bring up R or M. Asked her if she got the job in the jewelery dept, not yet. She said they are looking for a deli manager, she sounded like she was interested. I told her she would be good at it. She says she might take it if she can step back if she doesn't like it. I told her you've done it in the past when a manager left until they replaced them.
I so much wanted to give her a hug but I resisted. I did tell her she looked good. When they left I said it was good to see her, she said the same. All in all it was very cordial. I do want to talk to her about property division. If we can get together and resolve that without attys, we'll save ourselves some money. Ultimately I don't want the D, hope she can see the changes in myself and reconsiders. I can only slow it down, only she can stop it. That's been in my prayers every night, morning or a free minute.
Mike
Mike...sounds like you did well with the visit. You stayed focused and on track with your DB skills. I know how hard it is to want to start talking about the R/M but you did awesome.
I was looking at your post talking about your wife sleeping all the time. I did this when things were really bad with my H. I did it to avoid dealing with reality. I slept to avoid dealing with him, I slept to avoid doing house work. I slept to avoid dealing with myself. I slept just to sleep. In other words, I it was a coping mechanism I used. I still use it. I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder. The anxiety I have had since I was in high school, the depression came after the loss of my parents. Sleeping is how I cope. When I sleep, there is no reality, no bills, no laundry, no H, no R/M issues, nothing...I think you get the idea!!! The best thing I have done for myself is talk to my MD about it, we went thru 3 anti-depressants before finding the right fit for me. But now that we are there, and have the right dose...I can't imagine my life without it. I also know when it is time to go and talk with my therapist. Sometimes I can go weeks, other times not so long. I also know my symptoms become exacerbated when the weather is crappy. I go INSANE when it is gloomy for more than 3 days in a row. I become very emotional and feel encaged. I am a sunshine kinda gal!!
Anywho...no news in my sitch! Tried to text the H over the weekend, he didn't return either of the texts....frustrating...very frustrating.
Take care,
Christa
Christa,
My W refuses that there is anything wrong as far as depression or any other medical reason for her sleeping all the time. She refuses to see a doctor just to check it out. I am on AD's for help sleeping.
S25 was home when D24 and W came by. We expected if W came she would have stayed in the car. She spent a good deal of time playing with our dog. She had also called S27 up to visit him at his house to see GD. I don't know if she is starting to reconnect with the S's.
When W was home I would come home from work, she would be sleeping in a chair, wake up for dinner and be asleep 10 minutes after sitting in a chair. Once sleeping she won't wake up no matter how much noise or screaming is done in the room she's in. Is that similar to your sleep disorder? how was it diagnosed, did you realize that something was wrong or did someone insist you get checked out?
All in all it was a pleasant visit, no R talk at all. She even showed me an e-mail she got from a friend about a lady who found a lion in the woods half starved. She nursed it back to health. The video was a reunion at the zoo the lion was donated too. It looked like she was getting mauled, but the lion was reaching thru the cage hugging and licking her. It was a cute video.
Mike
Going to try to set up a coaching session this week.
Mike
let us know how you make out ok???? Mine told me exactly what I've been told on the boards and by C. There is nothing I can do or say with H to help stitch. So for now I am looking at it as helping myself and protecting me from further pain.
Who knows going black (as much as possible) might be the best thing to do.????
I do know one thing, really want someone to share my life with!!! So do you think that means I'm loosing the fight to stand?
My wedding band is back on finger as finally got it back from being resized. Took longer than I thought it would. Everyone seems to notice right away I have it on. Strange??? Don't you think???
well later and good luck with coach. Money well spent.
grid, lost
Grid,
I'll keep you informed on coaching. Maybe they will give me a direction to move in. I don't think wanting to share your live with someone means your loosing the will to stand. I feel the same way, I'd love to spend some time with a female just to talk and have a meal with. I don't thing that going to dinner with someone would be such a bad thing, especially since you and H have been apart so long.
I said something to someone, don't know who, that got back to W. I had said that W had said that I deserve someone better than her. I said I was coming to realize maybe she was right. She'd only came to the hospital for maybe an hour each day and only came to the house 3 times after surgery to see how I was doing. She brought that up and got defensive about it. Said that I made her feel uncomfortable while I was in the hosp, that I would wink at her. I don't remember I was on too much morphine and vicodins at the time to remember a lot. I wonder if that is the approach to take with her.
I still wear my ring but not to work, we're not allowed to wear any jewelery.
Mike
Mike, at the time I didn't think anything was wrong with me...looking back, it was depression. It was me filling up with anger and resentment. I needed an anti-depressant, my doctor and I have went thru 3 to finally find the correct one. Zoloft is my hero!! When the H mentioned in October he for sure wanted to go thru with the D, I quit eating for like a week (bad nurse, bad bad bad nurse!!!) and was having more sleeping issues, so she added trazadone to my med cocktail, to help me sleep. So now, I take xanax, trazadone and zoloft (anxiety, depression, nerves...sleepless nights...oh the joys of this!!) Plus since all of it began I have dropped major weight I am hanging out right around 105 pounds when I used to be 125-130. So we are hoping to the zoloft will kick in the food drive too!
Glad things went well with little visit with the W. Nice story about the lion!
Denial is one of the stages you go thru. I am sure working her crazy hours she is tired. Fatigue, hormonal changes, stress from the MLC/seperation, could be anxiety/depression type thing. She has to want to help herself. Does she see a Counselor??
Which coach are you talking with? I have two sessions left...hoping to save them for something good!!! I talked with Jodi, she was nice. Hope you get some great advice!
take care, Christa
I don't think wanting to share your live with someone means your loosing the will to stand. I feel the same way, I'd love to spend some time with a female just to talk and have a meal with. I don't thing that going to dinner with someone would be such a bad thing, especially since you and H have been apart so long.
thanks mike for your input. I am tired of it all at the present. Really can care less about H at present. Just to many other down things going on that he elected couldn't deal with and left me to deal with !!!!
She brought that up and got defensive about it. Said that I made her feel uncomfortable while I was in the hosp, that I would wink at her. I don't remember I was on too much morphine and vicodins at the time to remember a lot. I wonder if that is the approach to take with her.
i don't know if it is MLC or depression but your W is not thinking at all!!!! The MLC everyone except the person is the reason they act as they do. IF the rest of the world would just get it then MLC would be fine. At least that seems to be their thinking to me. Seems to be where your W is at. Do not beat yourself up over the hospital issue. What ever your W says. Being drugged does not give a person a reason to act as your W has. She is just trying to justify herself and she can't!!! Don't fall for her "your the problem tactic, please."
BTW, have you spent a weekend with Aunt as you mentioned?
grid, lost
Grid,
As fer as the W justification, I think that's what they all do, try to put the blame on the LBS. By the way, I was drugged not the W. I was on so much that the room temp was 67 degrees and I was still sweating all the time, aah good times, not!
Haven't spent the weekend with my aunt/big sister, maybe in a couple of weeks. Need to work on replacing a portion of the kitchen ceiling this weekend, bath tub upstairs leaked down onto ceiling and had to cut holes to find tub and find source of leak. I'm thinking of pizza weekend the following weekend. The kids will love that.
Got home from cardiac rehab last night, W's car was in the driveway. Lots of thoughts ran through my mind but pushed them back and didn't get my hopes up. Stuff like maybe she's here wanting to reconcile, work on M. She came to give S25 his birthday card, he's 26 now. She was pleasant, a step up from when she first dropped the Dbomb. I walked her out when she left told her we need to get together to talk about what she wants from the house, if we can come up with a list that we're happy with we'll save money on the attys. I said we could do it over a dinner. She said OK.
S26 wants to be a police officer and doesn't want to sign a lease then have to move into the city or area where he gets a job.
I was wondering with what I said about agreeing with her about deserving someone better than her and it got back to her. She got defensive about it, if that might be an approach to take. kind of acting that she's not worthy of having me. Just wondering.
Did a stress test today, all OK, cleared to referee soccer again. I think I'll start with 14 and under to start with. Signed up for 2 tournaments at the club where D19 used to play out of. They have girls games one weekend , the next is the boys. They get about 450 teams for each group. Looking forward to some running around, although I did tell W if she wants to work on M I will give up reffing to have more time with her.
Mike
bath tub upstairs leaked down onto ceiling and had to cut holes to find tub and find source of leak. I'm thinking of pizza weekend the following weekend. The kids will love that.
Oh Ouch, well you certainly know how to spend spare time! lol What a mess. Plumbing here backed about about 3 weeks ago and what a mess. One profession can't do with out, plumbers! lol
As far as seperating the property, W is going to have a shock befor this is all over. She planning to live with daughter forever?? How come she doesn't try an apartment first, etc.?? Foolish person! W is going to get a shock in her life style that is for sure. What will you have to do take out a morgage to purch. W 1/2 in house? H has agreeded to give me the equity in this house so I can purchase another. Wish could find one before OW convinces him to take some of the equity so they can purchase a house. LORD, that is all I need. I have sorta given up on H and our R. Get the feeling you have done the same. Guess after time one just runs out of care juice. I've started donating time at the SPCA and enjoy helping see animals get a second chance. It is a no kill shelter for animals that are fit to be adopted. Some of them wait a Long Time for a home. Small shelter.
She came to give S25 his birthday card, he's 26 now. She was pleasant, a step up from when she first dropped the Dbomb. I walked her out when she left told her we need to get together to talk about what she wants from the house,
y
Well at least she thought of this time!!! Ever find out why W stop talking to sons??? They told her the truth want to bet? lol
S26 wants to be a police officer and doesn't want to sign a lease then have to move into the city or area where he gets a job.
She got defensive about it, if that might be an approach to take. kind of acting that she's not worthy of having me. Just wondering.
Well since nothing you do seems to help guess can't hurt. BTW how has the coaching session gone? I have dog class till late tonight so may not be able to check postings for a day or two. Hope session goes well for you. One thing I have learned is we can not control or change what another person does. All we can do is hope our actions are well received.
Did a stress test today, all OK, cleared to referee soccer again. I think I'll start with 14
Wonderful! You will be so much better getting out with other people. Woman will be throwing theirselves at you, watch and see.
Has Son considered applying to areas far away from home? For example city here is often looking for people from out of the area just so they do not get locked into all local attitudes.
Your son will have a hell of a time getting on force with all the vets coming back from Iraq. Do wish him best of luck. Even state police have to score 95 and above on exam to get an interview. Take that back, NYS has been loosing troopers so it is down now.
Well better run and check a couple other posts. Then head out for dog class. BRRR temp is near 20 and dropping. I must be crazy!!
Grid,
Yes it's drywall time this weekend. I fixed tub myself, the overflow tube gasket was bad, but water did damage to kitchen ceiling.
W is living with D24 because W doesn't make enough to afford an apt on her own, she wants $1200/mo spousal support from me. That's 31% of my take home pay. I've been preapproved for a mortgage loan to borrow enough to give her half of the equity.
Had 1st coaching session tonight. I've only had contact with W about every two weeks, coach said now isn't the time to go dark. Go to D's house, only stay half an hour. Compliment W while heading out the door to meet a friend for a couple of drinks. She said be real evasive about who and don't answer if male or female.
S26 doesn't want to move too far from home, he's very close with his brother, goes to his house every week. He's taken the entry test and passed to get in my trade, working on elevators. he has to go for the interview part soon. According to Forbes we are the highest paid blue collar workers in the nation.
We has white death and ice predicted the two days, up to 6" of snow. The w-man missed it big time, you can still see the grass through the snow and ice. Lows in the teens tonight. At least you have those mountain dogs to keep your feet warm, that is if they don't push you out of the bed!!!
Time to put into action what coach said tomorrow. I think I'll stop by D's house all dressed up, stay a few minutes to drop off her mail, give W a compliment on the way out. Maybe I'll see if aunt wants to see a movie. She has a guy friend,she thinks he might be starting with alzhimers. Both his sister and mother have passed away from it.
Mike
Yes it's drywall time this weekend.
Have fun, BTW, I have a carpenter work for you if you get want more work. lol
W is living with D24 because W doesn't make enough to afford an apt on her own, she wants $1200/mo spousal support from me. That's 31% of my take home pay.
Well that is no small piece of pocket change. How can she get that much when she walked out on you??? Don't get me wrong I feel woman should be looked after with D but in your case she walked not you. So would seem her max would be like 20%. Or does it not matter? What does your attorney say? H and I have been together for 20+yrs but only married just under 5 yrs. So if he D me I would be out of luck, except in this state walking out was the worst thing he could do plus I am disabled. So most judges would not look nicely upon him. Just hope he does not file for D. Although he did retain an attorney so I am sure in time he will file. Although wish for 10 yrs M as I would then be entitled to his amount of social security. H agrees that is important. Don't expect him to file right away. Of course if his OW has any brains, she will be to old for kids by the time we would D. Du, what woman wants that sort of long term R?? Answer: the OW ! lol
I've been preapproved for a mortgage loan to borrow enough to give her half of the equity.
GOOD. least you do not have to worry about house./home
Had 1st coaching session tonight. I've only had contact with W about every two weeks, coach said now isn't the time to go dark.
Did the coach say Why you should not go dark???
According to Forbes we are the highest paid blue collar workers in the nation.
Yes, I noticed the same article. Lucky dog, you !
At least you have those mountain dogs to keep your feet warm, that is if they don't push you out of the bed!!!
Yep, they really do keep you warm in winter. Once in awhile I have had 4 dogs and 1 cat on the bed sleeping with me. Bit much. 3 dogs is ok, but 4 is really crowding the space. lol they all lay so they can look at me. Isn't that cute.
Well dog class went well and I really like the instructor. Every minute of class time is max. One of the best classes I've ever taken. Must be sure tell the instructor that to.
OK, waiting with baited breath to hear report on W.
grid, lost
Time to put into action what coach said tomorrow.
Yes it's drywall time this weekend.
Have fun, BTW, I have a carpenter work for you if you get want more work. lol
W is living with D24 because W doesn't make enough to afford an apt on her own, she wants $1200/mo spousal support from me. That's 31% of my take home pay.
Well that is no small piece of pocket change. How can she get that much when she walked out on you??? Don't get me wrong I feel woman should be looked after with D but in your case she walked not you. So would seem her max would be like 20%. Or does it not matter? What does your attorney say? H and I have been together for 20+yrs but only married just under 5 yrs. So if he D me I would be out of luck, except in this state walking out was the worst thing he could do plus I am disabled. So most judges would not look nicely upon him. Just hope he does not file for D. Although he did retain an attorney so I am sure in time he will file. Although wish for 10 yrs M as I would then be entitled to his amount of social security. H agrees that is important. Don't expect him to file right away. Of course if his OW has any brains, she will be to old for kids by the time we would D. Du, what woman wants that sort of long term R?? Answer: the OW ! lol
I've been preapproved for a mortgage loan to borrow enough to give her half of the equity.
GOOD. least you do not have to worry about house./home
Had 1st coaching session tonight. I've only had contact with W about every two weeks, coach said now isn't the time to go dark.
Did the coach say Why you should not go dark???
According to Forbes we are the highest paid blue collar workers in the nation.
Yes, I noticed the same article. Lucky dog, you !
At least you have those mountain dogs to keep your feet warm, that is if they don't push you out of the bed!!!
Yep, they really do keep you warm in winter. Once in awhile I have had 4 dogs and 1 cat on the bed sleeping with me. Bit much. 3 dogs is ok, but 4 is really crowding the space. lol they all lay so they can look at me. Isn't that cute.
Well dog class went well and I really like the instructor. Every minute of class time is max. One of the best classes I've ever taken. Must be sure tell the instructor that to.
OK, waiting with baited breath to hear report on W.
grid, lost
Time to put into action what coach said tomorrow.
Yes it's drywall time this weekend.
Have fun, BTW, I have a carpenter work for you if you get want more work. lol
W is living with D24 because W doesn't make enough to afford an apt on her own, she wants $1200/mo spousal support from me. That's 31% of my take home pay.
Well that is no small piece of pocket change. How can she get that much when she walked out on you??? Don't get me wrong I feel woman should be looked after with D but in your case she walked not you. So would seem her max would be like 20%. Or does it not matter? What does your attorney say? H and I have been together for 20+yrs but only married just under 5 yrs. So if he D me I would be out of luck, except in this state walking out was the worst thing he could do plus I am disabled. So most judges would not look nicely upon him. Just hope he does not file for D. Although he did retain an attorney so I am sure in time he will file. Although wish for 10 yrs M as I would then be entitled to his amount of social security. H agrees that is important. Don't expect him to file right away. Of course if his OW has any brains, she will be to old for kids by the time we would D. Du, what woman wants that sort of long term R?? Answer: the OW ! lol
I've been preapproved for a mortgage loan to borrow enough to give her half of the equity.
GOOD. least you do not have to worry about house./home
Had 1st coaching session tonight. I've only had contact with W about every two weeks, coach said now isn't the time to go dark.
Did the coach say Why you should not go dark???
According to Forbes we are the highest paid blue collar workers in the nation.
Yes, I noticed the same article. Lucky dog, you !
At least you have those mountain dogs to keep your feet warm, that is if they don't push you out of the bed!!!
Yep, they really do keep you warm in winter. Once in awhile I have had 4 dogs and 1 cat on the bed sleeping with me. Bit much. 3 dogs is ok, but 4 is really crowding the space. lol they all lay so they can look at me. Isn't that cute.
Well dog class went well and I really like the instructor. Every minute of class time is max. One of the best classes I've ever taken. Must be sure tell the instructor that to.
OK, waiting with baited breath to hear report on W.
grid, lost
Time to put into action what coach said tomorrow.
Grid,
Got enough work around here to keep me busy, LOL. I thought my coaching session went well. Told me to do some things a little differently. Said I shouldn't be going dark, that I should have more contact with W. E-mails, texts and visits at D24's house.
My atty says the court doesn't care who walks out on who, the magistrate decides on what is fair.
Wow, four big dogs in the house, I thought one lab was enough!
Got a few reasons to go to D's house to use coaches advice. Need to get carpet cleaner D borrowed, W's proof of car insurance card are a couple. Go there stay 1/2hr leave and give W a compliment on leaving. Coach said now isn't the time to go dark, more contact with W.
Mike
Went to see family doc, my shoulders been hurting since surgery, he thinks I have a torn rotator cuff. He's ordered a MRI and 6 weeks of physical therapy. Now Mon, Wed and Fri will be work, physical therapy 4:30 to 5:30, cardiac therapy 6 to 7:30, home and make dinner, a shower by then it will be bedtime. Wow what a day!
Going to try to get to D24's house thursday, spend a half an hour and drop off some mail. I'll tell them I have to go, meeting a friend. I might see if D, BF and GS want to go to Chucky Cheese for dinner. GS likes to do some of the games. Make it early and use the meeting friend again. If I had more time I think I'd sign up for some dance lessons.
Had a stress test done, passed with flying colors. OKed to referee soccer games again, although if W wants to work on M, I'm going to quit so we have more time together. She says she doesn't want me to give it up because I'll resent her for it. What's more important? No brainer to me.
Mike
I thought my coaching session went well. Told me to do some things a little differently.
Hey Mike, this is wonderful news with telphone coach. Exciting to, waiting and seeing if W responds different. Do post and keep us all abreast of your progress.
Wow, four big dogs in the house, I thought one lab was enough!
No, not four, five dogs. lol I call them my moving carpet as they just stay around you no matter the room. So as soon as I get up and move they follow. I just had my boy Chance down by River for walk, nice day here. Forgot about one thing, Mud! He came home with at least 2 lbs on his underside and legs. Legs have a lot of feathering on them and pick stuff up.
good luck to ya,
grid, lost
Went to see family doc, my shoulders been hurting since surgery, he thinks I have a torn rotator cuff.
How in the world could you do that much damage to yourself sitting home on rehab from heart surgery???
Secrets???? lol
Mike you do have my sympothies (sp). After your surgery this is just what you need or rather don't need!
Have fun at multi-rehab.
OOPS< last post forgot to mention, I'd like to have a West German working line bred german shepherd. Have always wanted a GSD so since I am not getting younger. Have to wait till my old girl of 9 passes on. Looking for kennels at the present.
grid, lost
Mike, did you have an old rotator cuff injury and surgry just irritate it? The position for surgery can be hard on the shoulders especially when typical bypass lasts 4 hours...good luck with that!! Glad you past your stress and can begin refreeing!! Positive stuff here!! YEAH!!
You will be a busy man, but that is a good thing...keep your mind occupied in positive ways!
You said your coaching went well, I am happy to hear that! Who did you talk to? I talked with Jodi. I still have 2 sessions left, I'm holding onto them like they're my million dollar tickets...I'm waiting to see if I can get a feel for where all of this is going to go. I tried to text the H a couple of times last week, he didn't respond. So I am go to take a step back and not make any contact for a while, let things chill. last i heard from him, he was working 6 10's and said when that was done we would talk about doing something.
take care
christa
Grid,
My shoulder has bothered me since surgery, my cardiologist said it was inflation from the way they had my arm cranked around during surgery. Family doc thinks it's a sprain or torn rotator cuff, He said I already have limited motion so he had me get a MRI now instead of after 6 weeks of therapy. It feels a little better since he gave me a script for anti-inflammatory.
Neighbors had a German Shepard, he looked like the meanest dog in the world. If you called him by his name he turned into a big pussy cat.
Christa,
Good to hear from you, how's your sitch? I didn't have an old injury it irritated, I'm hoping it's just a sprain or inflammation. Doc said my surgery was 5 hours long. Couldn't afford another three months off again.
I talked with Jodi also! She said I need to make a change in my physical appearance. I'm going to shave off my goatee. I don't think the kids have ever seen me with a clean face, it will be interesting to see their reactions. She also said now isn't the time for me to go dark, more contact with W. Calls, texts Emails... I signed up for three sessions also.
W seems to be reconnecting with our S's. She called S26 on the 11th to wish him happy birthday and called him again last night. Twice in a little over a week after having any contact except for Christmas, she never even returned his calls, he had given up calling her. She's also going to S27's house Sat, she went there about two weeks ago. Talked to S27 tonight, he said the last time before these visits she came to his house was in Sept 06. They say in MLC, they reconnect with the kids first, hopefully that is what's taking place. She's poking her head out of the tunnel.
Sounds like your H is busy, probably drained by the time he gets home.make sure when he's done with the OT and you get together get yourself glammed up to impress.
Looking forward to getting back on the field, ran into a soccer parent from my home club, he said that they missed me and the games I called for them. He didn't know how good of a ref I was until I wasn't around. I've signed up for 4 tournaments so far. 2 I'm on a crew, 4 refs take one field and rotate 3 a game. You do three games and one off, then three more.
Mike
Mike...sounds like your W is slowly coming around. Glad you and Jodi's talk went well. I like her, I have went thru 2 sets of 3 sessions already, so I 'm hanging on to dear life to these last 2 sessions...hoping and praying they will be for piecing!!! Only time will tell!
Yes, I agree..I'm sure my H is overwhelmed with work, I've decided to just take some time off, no texts calls etc. He needs to focus on work...maybe he will miss me?! that would be nice!
It's cold and snowy here...gonna snuggle on the couch with the pooches and read...found some new relationship books at barnes and noble...I live a sad life!!!!!!!!!!!
take care
Christa
Christa,
We have the white death here also. The media is having a field day tonight. It's a wonder we will survive. We already have 6" and ice is on the way. Watched I Legend tonight with S26.
What has Jodi told you to do? Are you following her advice? I still have 2 sessions left, I will probably use one in a couple of weeks.
Mike
I still have 2 sessions left, I'm holding onto them like they're my million dollar tickets...I'm waiting to see if I can get a feel for where all of this is going to go.
christarn,
hi glad to hear you are workng with a coach. LOL I know what you mean by holding on to the last couple for dear life or a million dollars! Same here.
I spoke with Jodi to! she honestly told me what other professionals have said and I have read. Although she made it much easier to understand, explained to me in very simple baby step terms. lol
Good luck with H. OT, will pull all his energy away so he is on empty to even think about R.
grid, lost
My shoulder has bothered me since surgery,
Complications of surgery! Ouch! after my neck surgery, the strong antibiotics destroyed bacteria in my gut and when everything restarted the bad bacteria over populated. I ended up in the hospital in isolation for over a week!
Neighbors had a German Shepard, he looked like the meanest dog in the world. If you called him by his name he turned into a big pussy cat.
Yea, good breeding results in good temperments.
I have always wanted a nice GSD. Also since my Big berner male died I have missed the big powerful dog. For a woman having a dog you can walk anywhere @ 2,3, or 4 in morning and be safe is a wonderful feeling! That is another reason want one.
Mike, keep working on W. Do believe things will turn around.
grid, lost
Grid,
A little update. Last weekend I went out Friday night, to a bowling alley I used to bowl on Fridays, I taken D24 home from her job. D's BF asked if I was staying for dinner, I said no I was meeting someone for a couple of drinks. Steve has a big mouth you can count on, he said Big Mike has a date. I didn't confirm or deny and was sure W overheard. Well this afternoon I got a call from my best friend, whose W is my W's BF, He said W went over their house and asked him if I was dating someone. He said he hadn't talked to me in a couple of weeks and didn't know. She told him to find out!! I told him what I did and when I got home last Fri I parked my car elsewhere in the neighborhood. W told him she drove by the house at 5:30 AM on her way to work Sat and my car wasn't in front of the house!!! A little jealousy maybe? I told my F what business is it of hers, she wants a D, am I supposed to just sit around the house the rest of my life.
Tomorrow night I might see if aunt wants to see a movie, make sure it's a chick flick. So if W or D's ask what I saw, they would never think I'd go see a chick flick on my own. Going to follow coaches advice, beard coming off tonight. If W asks why I cut it off I'm going to say someone wanted to see what I'd look like without it. Won't tell her that someone is me. I don't think the kids can remember me with a clean face. It's always been a neetly groomed full beard or goatee for tears. I used to shave it off in the summer and stopped for some reason.
Mike
Mike, my gosh it has been so long since I talked with her...I think my last session was in Sept. if my memory serves me. She really encouraged me to let go of the rope. If he pushed or pulled, not to fight it. Just let go. She also wanted him to work more at the R. I jump at any chance to see him, and jump the minute...better yet the second the I see that he texts/calls. She is afraid if I don't/didn't make him work towards me a little, we would end up right back where we were before all of this started. The sad thing is, I am just now getting that! She really wanted to focus on what my 180's are/were at the time. Man, have the changed, so have my goals. The last time I talked with her, we were seeing eachother on averg. of twice a month and talking at least once or twice a week. It's sad that the more time that passes, the further we are a part.
He has asked not to do any dinners until he is done with all the OT. I tried sending a couple simple texts last week. I did not get any response. So I am done initiating contact at least until the month of OT is over. It's going to kill me, but as they say, what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. I am currently getting a list of things together I want to say to him. Things that I regret and should apologize for in our R/M...and where I would like our future to go. It's been at least 6 months since we have talked about our R/M...and I know around here...we are not suppose to do that....but if you knew my h, he would procrastinate until the cows came home. I just really want to see where he stands. If there is a chance or not.
I have done a lot of growing over this 14 months away from him. I have come to a place where I want to grow old with somebody, I want children, I want to come home at night and have dinner with someone and talk about my day, or drink a cold beer. And putting off our lives when we could be working on things, is really starting to take its toll on me. I'm almost 30, and I see all of my friends with kids or pregnant. If I need to get out there and meet Mr. Right and start this dating thing again...and then have kids...I just would rather know...ya know!
I don't want to give up on him, and I pray he tells me he wants to work on things, hell I pray for that night, day, and any free moment I have. I just have hopes and dreams, and want to start living some of them, sooner rather than later!
take care....thanks for the ear!
Christa
Christa,
I think I have detached a little more than before. I think in you're sich, you need not to jump when H calls or texts, wait a while before returning a call or text. Hard I know, I've jumped in the past myself. But I see where just what happened last weekend had its effect on the W. If she wants a D why is she so worried if I'm dating or coming home at night. I'm writing this all down in a journal and I have my posts if she wants to get back together and thinks my dating is preventing her from doing so.
I know H's OT is probably wiping him out, I've done it in the past. Running calls is part of my job, years ago we had a contract where the office guaranteed OT repairs. I'd get 2 or 3 hours of sleep 2 or 3 nights a week, went on for three years.
Do you have keys to his place? Maybe on one of your days off you could make him three or four nights of dinners. Just put them in his fridge or leave them in a cooler with a note if you don't have a key. Don't think this time of year food will go bad in a few hours. Don't know what your weather is like but it's in the single digits here, the food will be frozen by the time he gets home, LOL.
I know your feelings of wanting to grow old with someone, I want to do just that with my W. I told her we were on our way to easy street, I'm making more money that I ever thought I would and with no kids, they are all adults now, we can go on real nice vacations, take weekend trips and other stuff we couldn't afford before. The earlier years were about the kids, now it was to be about us.
I've prayed every night also, I pray god touches her heart and she reconsiders.
Tell you what, lets see I'm an hour ahead of you, tomorrow i'll pop open a beer at 8:00, you pop one open at 7:00 your time an we'll have a beer in different states together!!!
Mike
Thanks Mike...will write more later but for now off to work I go!! I might stay and work ot myself, so right at 7, i will probably be there...but shortly after we will can have that beer together
ur great!!
Went out last night, D and S went out together and spent the night at S's friends house. I told D9 I was meeting a friend and we were going to see a movie or have a couple of drinks. I came home and parked my van elsewhere in the neighborhood. Last week W drove by and checked up on me. My D19 said I spent the night out and wanted to know who with, I told her a friend. I asked her how she knew I "didn't come home". She said she came home at 4AM and I wasn't home, but I was but she didn't come home, she spent the night at her sisters. I think she was fishing for an answer for W. Don't know if W drove by again last night, but D19 did come home about 8AM, was asleep on the couch. I got dressed walked to van and brought it home. Don't know if she came upstairs to my bedroom to see if I was home or not.
I was going to take GS, D24 and Her BF to Chucky Cheese for dinner, but they have plans. Rescheduling for Tuesday night. I'll invite W along if she's there. Wonder if she'll have questions about my where abouts?
Mike
Last week W drove by and checked up on me. My D19 said I spent the night out and wanted to know who with, I told her a friend. I asked her how she knew I "didn't come home". She said she came home at 4AM and I wasn't home, but I was but she didn't come home, she spent the night at her sisters. I think she was fishing for an answer for W.
WOW! Success in fast moving baby steps! Mike guess the coach really new the best for your stitch. So Wfie had to check up on you and became a bit jealous.
Bet things are spinning in her wee brain each and every night. How do you know W came by to check up on you? Drive by or excuse to come into house?
I am smiling for you as type my reply.
I'll invite W along if she's there. Wonder if she'll have questions about my where abouts?
Just curious, why are you asking W to come if the idea is to leave her wondering? Isn't it a bit early to give her chance to imquire? Is D 19 siding with W? Remember kids are very upset as you are over all of this. D may have been paniced herself. Or as you say, spying for W. Keep up the good work and keep them all guessing.
grid, lost
Mike can you believe the change and success so quickly?? I am jealous, luck does follow you.
grid, lost
Grid,
I don't know if it it's a success or not. W hasn't contacted me yet. I do agree that if W wants this D, why does she care where I go or what I do? Maybe a seed of doubt that I'm sitting around waiting on her?
I know W checked up on if I was home or not because my W visited her best friend who is my best friends W, she asked my friend if I was dating someone because the night I was at D's house and left saying I'm meeting someone for a drink, she drove by the house on her way to work at 4:30AM and my car wasn't in front of the house. Did the same thing last night. I'm writing this all down in a journal for validation I wasn't spending the night with someone. But I wonder if W has driven by before. Besides she want the D why would she care what I do.
I talked to D19 today and W asked her if I was dating someone also. She told D that I "spent the night with some girl" because I wouldn't spend the night with a guy. I asked D19 if she wanted to see me and her mom back together, and told her not to tell mom, and told her what's going on.
I was going to invite W to chucky cheeses because I will be at d24's house and it's a family outing. I won't invite her until I get to D's house.
I hope this is planting a seed of doubt in her mind, not cmenting her decision.
Mike
D19 took me out shopping for new clothes that fit, used gift cards from Christmas. Nice to wear clothes that fit and look good on me again. Bought all dress clothes except for one pair of Levi's and button up dress shirts. Next time I see W I'll wear new clothes and clean face (no beard). Looks like it will Tuesday, taking GS and D24 to Chucky Cheeses. Wonder if W will have questions for me about me "seeing someone".
Mike
she drove by the house on her way to work at 4:30AM and my car wasn't in front of the house. Did the same thing last night. I'm writing this all down in a journal for validation I wasn't spending the night with someone. But I wonder if W has driven by before. Besides she want the D why would she care what I do.
Oh, who knows what goes through W's mind. She wants you to hurt and suffer. At least that is my thoughts and most likely partly what is driving this quickie D. Could be totally wrong of course.
I talked to D19 today and W asked her if I was dating someone also. She told D that I "spent the night with some girl" because I wouldn't spend the night with a guy. I asked D19 if she wanted to see me and her mom back together, and told her not to tell mom, and told her what's going on.
Mike! How long do you think D19 is going to keep this a secret. Yikes, this is going tobe hard for her to be around W, talking etc. and not tell the truth. Espically when W starts talking about you sleeping at another woman's place. Keep reminding her secret between the two of you.
So what was D19 reaction? She will tell her siblings and then, oh dear I so hope the cat doesn't jump out of bag.
Her reaction? Was she upset before you told her? I do understand as a parent don't want your 19yr old daughter think you are sleeping around or in panic you will remarry as soon as D.
I won't invite her until I get to D's house.
LOL, you are clever!
I hope this is planting a seed of doubt in her mind, not cmenting her decision.
I so hope so too Mike. Wonder what the next step will be from coach. Have my fingers crossed for you that some of this sprouts in W's brain.
grid, lost
Grid,
I felt I had to tell D the truth. She said mom knows you spent the night with a girl and she smiled like she knew I did also. I told D if she wants W and I to get back together she can't tell her mom. I guess if I park my car away from the house I will have to go farther away. My S's know what I'm doing but I won't tell d24, her BF can't keep his mouth closed.
Again if I was Ding W I wouldn't care what she would do, why does she care what I do? Unless she still does care.
Mike
I felt I had to tell D the truth.
If you felt you had to then that is what you should do. I just hope your plan "which seems to be working" doesn't fall apart with kids in the know. My stitch locked again so I'll have to start a new one soon. will post and let you know.
Boy your D 19 really messed her life up. But then again Mike, if she wanted to do all the things she had offers on then she can. How does D19 see weasil (sp) now she is older and out of high school? Why doesn't she apply to go to college. She could still pick up lot of help. Very gifted person, lol, know what is funny, these people have know idea how much others would like to have just an ounce of what they toss aside.!!
Again if I was Ding W I wouldn't care what she would do, why does she care what I do? Unless she still does care.
Your W has zero idea of what she wants, where to go or why to go there. I believe she is deep into MLC and about to ruin a lot of good in her life on the way through the tunnel.
Your W is jealous that is what I think is going on.
to tired this evening to post much. Have had to take muscle relaxer drugs for last couple nights. so I am a very blunt, boring person and bit in a fog. We are having a beautiful snow storm, Finally !!!!!! Just had dog out for long walk and down to the local store pick up ice cream. So quiet out and snowing big flakes, then ice, then big flakes.
cheers,
grid, lost
Grid,
D19 looks at the weasel as a low point in her life. When she turned 18 she filed her own restraining order against him. He was physically and mentally abusive. She has told me he beat her then raped her, when she woke in the morning she was so sore she could't move so he beat her again and laughed about it. That's why I have said if I had known then what I know now what he did, I'd probably be in jail now.
Whent to D24's house tonight, walked in and D said Oh my god you shaved off your beard. W asked why I did it, i didn't say what i was going to. I said i did it for my self, but must have sounded a bit defensive, she said I was just asking. Next she wanted to know why I was dressed up. Had on a pair of designer slacks and designer shirt, it all fit well (D19 took me shopping this weekend and we found some great deals) Must admit I thought I looked good. W asked if I had a date, 5said 5 was meeting a friend for some food and a drink. W asked where I as going, told her probably a wing place.
Kept looking at my watch, finally said I have to go. On way out told W it was good to see her again and she looks good. She said it was good to see me and I was looking good. D24 said "I'll say, too bad you're my Dad". Left and went to the bowling alley to see teamates. Got a lot of looks and few comments. Was told I looked 10 to 15 years younger. On guy's wife said if I dyed my hair to cover the gray I'd look like I was in my mid to late 30's, what a boost. W probably noticed too. Let her think about it.
Mike
Mike, sounds like things are going well. Your idea of planting info is working in your favor. sounds like your W is already having some "concerns" at least it appears that way. What a great boost to your moral!! Not only that, but getting some great feed back at the bowling alley...way to go!!
Wish my sitch was as good as yours 3 weeks no contact
oh well...still praying, not giving up yet!!
Take care...keep up the good work!!!
Christa
Christa,
I can't remember the last time W initiated any contact, I've always seen her at D24's. S26's friend bought a house and is moving Friday. I'm going to help him pack the truck. I'll park my car some other place and ride with S and leave car overnight. It seems W is getting a little jealous. She's asking if I'm dating. She's asked the kids and my best friend and asks me in a round about way.
Mike
D19 looks at the weasel as a low point in her life. When she turned 18 she filed her own restraining order against him. He was physically and mentally abusive. She has told me he beat her then raped her, when she woke in the morning she was so sore she could't move so he beat her again and laughed about it.
Oh mike, I am sorry to have gone into this matter in your family's life. I can't even imagine how a parent gets through such an awful horrific time in their child's life. Then with your daughter having such success so early in her life. All spells alot of pain for you. Don't worry in time D19 will find her balance and land on her feet again.
Next she wanted to know why I was dressed up. Had on a pair of designer slacks and designer shirt, it all fit well (D19 took me shopping this weekend and we found some great deals) Must admit I thought I looked good. W asked if I had a date,
AAHHHH...you certainly are setting your wife back a step or two. you sound handsome just by your couple of lines posted here. Have fun with D19 on the shopping trip? D19, will be happy to know the new outfits made you a hit with everyone. Looking like a slob all the time does not attract the other and you do get sick of seeing it all time. My H all he would wear was old jeans, HD T-shirt, with HD sweatshirt jacket. I was so sick of looking at them, nearly made me ill.
Got a lot of looks and few comments. Was told I looked 10 to 15 years younger. On guy's wife said if I dyed my hair to cover the gray I'd look like I was in my mid to late 30's, what a boost. W probably noticed too. Let her think about it.
LOL, well if you aren't dating someone at the present W better move it or you will be. ! Da, does she not get it.
Mike I can hardly wait to hear what your coach has to offer and feedback. You are doing exactly what needed to be and the results is coming almost on cue!! I am really surprised and happy for how well this is all going together for you.
Keep it up. W's mind has to be spinning. Do you believe she really thinks you are dating someone? Or rather just wondering if there is something going on that she is not aware of?
You are clever and good at the game that is for sure. Praying for the best for your M.
grid, lost
Grid,
The sich with the weasel is the traumatic event that started my W into MLC I think. D had run away from home 4 times that summer, we even had to file incorigable child charges on her. D's head is on straight now except going to school. Pre-weasle she wanted to be a surgeon or forensic examiner. Now she wants to do hair, I don't care if it is what she wants to do.
I don't think I looked too bad before, ususlly I wore blue jeans and a collared golf shirt, still do just not around W. My Tees were usually adidas or tournament shirt. I think W does indeed think I'm dating, she has asked my best friend to try to find out and asked our D's also. When I left D24's house W asked if I had a date, I said no, just meeting a friend. I think she thinks I was meeting a female. I went to the bowling alley, met teammates, afterwards had a beer and the house orders pizza for the regulars who come into the lounge after bowling. So I didn't lie, I met a friend, teamate, and ate, a free piece of pizza! She hasn't asked me point blank if I'm dating, she asked one time if I had a date, just meeting a friend is what I told her.
Tonight I was feeling a bit down, missing W, and over my sich. I guess I have to practice what I preach. Quit looking how far I am from where I want to be but look at how far I've come from where I sttarted. I've gone from W acting like she hated me to now W wondering what I'm doing and she says I look good and it was good to see me. I need to keep track of those baby steps and not look at the overall picture.
My aunt/sister said she talked to one of her employees daughter(aunt owns a beauty salon)She said the daughter is about 33yo, a former model and a knock out. She told her my story and would go to dinner and "accidently" run into my best friend and his W, she's my W's best friend. I'm sure his W will go straight to mine and tell her she saw me with a georgous younger woman. It would be only dinner nothing else. I don't know if thats going too far or not.
I hope this is causing W to wonder and not to close the door and start dating herself.
Mike
we even had to file incorigable child charges on her. D's head is on straight now except going to school. Pre-weasle she wanted to be a surgeon or forensic examiner. Now she wants to do hair, I don't care if it is what she wants to do.
Ouch !! You and W sure went through a lot of hell!!! D will come around again. Even if it is 5 or 6 yrs down the road, you'll see. D must have a lot she is struggling with even if she doesn't say so. In time D will return to school and work towards a career. Mike, what is an incorigable child charge? never have heard of this, but then I don't have kids.
I don't think I looked too bad before, ususlly I wore blue jeans and a collared golf shirt, still do just not around W.
No I was just mentioning my past and the old faded stuff H would walk around house in. Now I realize why he was acting so strange. Although I now realize our S shouldn't have to wait till a special event to see us wearing nice things. Wearing same old same old can be a very bad habit to fall into.
Tonight I was feeling a bit down, missing W, and over my sich. I guess I have to practice what I preach.
Mike, we are not preaching at each other, called support and help. Couldn't make it with out the help on these boards. I know were it not for the people on these boards I would be a very bitter person instead I'm on a journey and growing everyday. some days I wish the journey would end. lol
look at how far I've come from where I sttarted. I've gone from W acting like she hated me to now W wondering what I'm doing and she says I look good and it was good to see me. I need to keep track of those baby steps and not look at the overall picture.
Very good, yes, I keep telling myself, baby steps, baby steps.
You have come a long way in a very short amount of time. How long W been gone? My H nearly 18months and living with someone else. Your W she is interested in you again, just doesn't want to admit it yet. When is next telephone coach session?
tell her she saw me with a georgous younger woman. It would be only dinner nothing else. I don't know if thats going too far or not.
I hope this is causing W to wonder and not to close the door and start dating herself.
MHHMMMMM...I don't know what to tell you. good point you bring up about W dating. Well lets back up a step or two. Why did your coach want you to make personal changes? Why did she want you to have some contact with W or rather more contact ?
Any changes coach suggested were they to make W jealous or more interested in you? If W learns you are dating a drop dead ow, will she want to compete with her?
You are still M, would you do this if you and W were at odds with each other but still living together? Isn't dinner with ow starting an EA?
grid, lost
Grid,
Coach said I needed to become more interesting, change the way I dress around W, and my appearance. I had already started dying my goatee, my beard was brown but had turned a whitish blonde. I could care less but I read in DR where you should make changes and thought that was one that might make me look younger. The changes were to make me more interesting to W, not the same old Mike. She aid now isn't the time to go dark or gray, more contact with W.
The gorgeous woman wouldn't be a date just set up so W's friend reports back to her about I'm attracting a younger beautiful woman. I would run his by my coach before I would do it. W has bee gone since July although we went on vaca together in Aug.
The charges we filed on D were to protect us if she and the weasel got into trouble with the law. It also put a warrant out on her so if they were pulled over for a traffic violation she would be held in juvi until we picked her up. D19 is fine and back to her self. She realizes that he is a sick controlling person. He has threatened to kill her in the past. She was scared to end the R because of his violence.
The change in my W wondering what I'm doing and who with in addition to the changes in my dress and grooming, no beard are to make her wonder. Db says to be vague when going out, just say a friend or friends. I will stop by D's house Sat to drop off mail, will be dressed to the nines and be going to meet a friend. I'm sure W will ask if I have a date. I'll respond that I'd rather have a date with you, get dressed, lets go. If she accepts I'll make a fake phone call and say something has come up I can't make it tonight, sorry. I have a new personal cell she or D's don't know about. It gives me a number on my work cell they don't recognize and gives me a number to call. That number could be my dates cell number!!! If she checks my recent numbers.
Mike
Went last night with S26 to help his friend move. His stuff was all moved and met S's friend his mom and BF at a local pub. Had a few beers, D19 showed up with a friend. D tells me how mom made her mad tues night. W went to restaurant where D19 works as a hostess. W has too much to drink and actually goes to the bathroom to get sick. I had stopped by D24's house and was dressed well, meeting a "friend" for drinks and something to eat. I actually went to bowling alley to see teammates, yes I did have a couple of beers. Afterwards the house buys pizza for the regular crowd that goes into the lounge. So I didn't lie, my teammates are friends and I did have pizza! I wonder if W's drinking too much has anything to do with me going out with a friend? I don't want to see too much into this but is it possible she's starting to have second thoughts? Oh, my W did ask if I was going on a date, I said no just meeting a friend, so I know she's wondering if I'm dating. We'll see what happens at D's house tonight.
Mike
The gorgeous woman wouldn't be a date just set up so W's friend reports back to her about I'm attracting a younger beautiful woman. I would run his by my coach before I would do it. W has bee gone since July although we went on vaca together in Aug.
Good idea about running the dinner with lady friend by coach first. I just could see how that could really backfire and quickly without there never being any plans for such.
Wow, you and family sure went through some rough times with weasel. The most important thing is your daughter has gotten herself together and away from weasel.
I will stop by D's house Sat to drop off mail, will be dressed to the nines and be going to meet a friend. I'm sure W will ask if I have a date. I'll respond that I'd rather have a date with you, get dressed, lets go. If she accepts I'll make a fake phone call and say something has come up I can't make it
]
LOL, you are very clever Mike. I like the saying "dressed to the nines", lol never heard that one before. It's nice.
Your W drinking and getting sick @ D's place of work, that sure doesn't sound like her. Maybe her world as she saw it is falling apart. Just maybe she is getting very scarred about everything. I do hope W will accept and go out with you. Keeping my fingers crossed for you Mike. Best of Luck
grid, lost
Grid,
Never made it to D's house. S27 called and invited me over, after he called A friend of mine called and we talked about an hour then went to S's house. GD is getting more comfortable with me since I've been going over on a regular basis. She was showing me her toys and how they worked, LOL. She is about 19 months old now.
Will take D24, her BF and GS to Chucky Cheese for pizza and games, will go after W gets off of work and invite her also. Should be a blast.
Don't know if W's drinking to much has anything to do with her thinking I'm dating and seem to be moving on or not. I guess I hope that's the case. W doesn't drink a lot, two or three beers and she is done. Was thinking about parking car on another street but decided not to, will do it again when she knows I'm meeting a friend again.
Mike
mike,
Just spent most of the evening flying around on the boards and came upon one stitch where everyone posted with wisdom. these are the four stages to recover a broken marriage.
ROFL, I can't honestly say I'm past # 1 or want second stage either (at least tonight)..... Sometimes really scares me, the anger, just when I think I am done with it all and have let go. BOOM!!1 Another stiff bout of anger and this blocks friendship or desire for.
Mike you find your self going through that or not? LOL compare our stitches, which is worse????
Me, H with OW,20yr his Jr. !!!
You W no OM, filed for D !!! OMG, should we laugh or cry?
1)Anger- Very long and hard
2) Friendship- No sex build friendship
3) Romance and dating- Sex and dating
4) Recommitment- Married again and recommitted
Grid,
My W has had a OM, he is married, she thinks in her MLC mind he will take her out on a date if she gets a D. Talking to a friend of hers, she says he will never leave his W, he'll just play her.
My coach told me about these phases. W went through the anger phase, she treated me like she hated my guts. I went a little dark, stopped going to see her as often and those feelings seemed to soften, when I see her now she is friendly, of course I used to bring up our R and how I think we can fix it. Now I just ask her about her work and talk about GS. So I think I'm in the friendship phase. Coach gave me advice and it seems to have had an effect on W. She now wonders what I'm doing, if and who I might be dating, she has asked D19, D24 S27 and my best friend. She has also driven by the house to see if I came home from going to meet a "friend" for drinks. I was going to go to D24's house to drop off clothes to her BF, was going to be dressed nice if W would have asked if I was going out on a date I would have said I'd rather have a date with you.
I'm hoping with her concerned about me "dating", that she still cares and would be open to start anew R with me. So then I might be heading to phase three.
My coach had said the three steps were 1 reducing bad feelings, 2 becoming friends, 3 romance and 4 reconciliation. When she was in replay I heard all the anger, she brought up things that happened 20 years ago.
In order to get to the goal of getting M back you have to let go of your anger, I thought you were there. I know you had become friendlier with your H, got a Bday gift and stuff. Hang in there, GAL maybe if he see you starting to move on he will have second thoughts. It seems to have affected my W. Don't know if she will want to reconnect or not. She has reconnected with S's. With almost no contact with them except for Christmas, she has called S26 twice in the last three weeks and visited S27 twice at his home in the same time. Maybe she is getting into acceptance.
I can only hope.
Mike
Grid,
I think your thread locked up, I can't post there. Thought mine did also and started a new one, now I see it's still open.
Mike
In order to get to the goal of getting M back you have to let go of your anger, I thought you were there. I know you had become friendlier with your H, got a Bday gift and stuff. Hang in there, GAL maybe if he see you starting to move on he will have second thoughts. It seems to have affected my W. Don't know if she will want to reconnect or not.
Mike,
I really do believe your W is coming around. Just going to take a lot of time. Of course as long as the OM is in picture there is a big problem. that is another entire issue in addition to MLC.
Yea, I thought i had gotten beyond the anger with H. Maybe the problem is I feel i have and then H will not even move in any direction and no matter what I do. then I just loose it. I have been really abandoned by H and the pain is so unreal. Remember I do not have any family etc. All deceased. Since I'm not able to work the isolation is terrible and i can't travel. Best for me is to just GAL and forget the M/R.
H will stay with OW as long as she will keep him. He has issues other than just MLC and has never dealt with them. So guess at the present have to say, it really is over. never sent a gift to H. Wrote him and told him there are a couple things for him and he didn't even acknowledge that part. So his point is becoming rather clear.
Coach told me he has checked out of life and until he desides to come back there really isn't anything I can do.
I am a person who goes after a goal once I know what I want. This MLC, etc, OW, is one I can't seem to crack. That and the fact my S ignores me is where the anger comes from.
Maybe in time I will try another phone coach session.
Till then just passing time. You on the other hand are having good things happen, remember, baby steps. Start reading a few posts on OM or OP in relationship, you are going to need to have some knowledge on this matter. Not as simple as would seem, in just end the relationship.
grid, lost
Grid,
Thanks Grid, to me sometimes I don't see a change, but when others say there is some movement on W's part it helps me to see it. I don't think W is seeing OM, I think she wants the D so she will be free to chase him. She thinks that if she is D'd he will go out with her, I guess she thinks he will leave his W for her. Talking to a former co-worker of hers, she says OM will never leave his W for her. W has not spoken to this friend/ co-worker(female) for a while. Co-worker told me she told W that she was stupid for wanting to leave, that I don't go out drinking after work, don't physically or mentally abuse her, we make a good amt of money(W doesn't have to work she wants to), I don't run around on her... W stopped talking to her after that conversation.
I think if you GAL, have friends to go out for dinner, movies etc, and just be a friend to H, don't expect anything from him. I wonder if when you have seen some movement on his part, like when he bought a b-day present, you tend to pursue a little and H withdraws again. Just a thought. Go about with GAL, I know that's what I've been doing, visiting friends seeing S27 and his family more now, ... Our best friend's S is getting married in April, I was thinking about asking my W to be my date for it. I got an invitation for myself and a guest.
Going to see D24 and take her and GS to Chucky Cheese for pizza and games. I'll ask W if she wants to go also. We'll do it in the afternoon, I'll have to leave her house to have drinks with a friend. Hopefully W will ask if I have a date, if she does I'll say I'd rather have one with you, lets go. Don't know if she will, I know she will give a hundred reasons, I don't have anything to wear, I have to go to work in AM, ... I did ask her to have dinner with me, she asked why . I told her even though you want a D I still care about you and like to spend time with you. Should I have said something other than that? What could I say that would be different, not so pursuing?
I think your thread locked up grid, might have to start a new one.
Mike
Co-worker told me she told W that she was stupid for wanting to leave, that I don't go out drinking after work, don't physically or mentally abuse her, we make a good amt of money(W doesn't have to work she wants to), I don't run around on her... W stopped talking to her after that conversation.
LOL, well so much for that friend, "off with her head"! At least that must have been what your W was thinking after reality check up with friend. W at the very least must have an EA going on with OM. I have learned our S will go through a lot of pain ending such R if they deside to workon the M. Try to enlighten yourself a bit in this area. Watch for other postings on this subject on boards. Mike donot want W to hurt you more and if you realize the emotional toll might protect you. Not coming across very well I realize.
just be a friend to H, don't expect anything from him. I wonder if when you have seen some movement on his part, like when he bought a b-day present, you tend to pursue a little and H withdraws again.
Oh yes you are so correct mike, problem is that is exactly what H wants, three of us to be friends. Plus H does not want to put anything into this. Tiss I who should do the work. Dear friend of mine just this evening said to me or rather was asking about H, etc. Her comment really took me by surprise. She said it is about time he realize, needs to stop acting like a 5 yr old boy who runs to his room and wouldn't come out. His behavior is going to start hurting your business. My comment was nothing I can do and friend agreed. So guess to sum it up, sorta like trying to have an adult friendship with a 5yr old. lol Then again you may be correct without realizing it I pursue him and he runs.
H use to like that about me. Those were the days as they say.
Our best friend's S is getting married in April, I was thinking about asking my W to be my date for it. I got an invitation for myself and a guest.
...
Maybe you should hold off for a while. Ask coach, if you are to keep W wondering what you are doing, well do you think taking her to a wedding,etc. is best option or course of action? I don't know?
I did ask her to have dinner with me, she asked why . I told her even though you want a D I still care about you and like to spend time with you. Should I have said something other than that? What could I say that would be different, not so pursuing?
Good question! I got it , next time make a joke out of and say, I'm asking you because I need to have a couple practise dates before the real thing again. You willing to help me out?
How would W react to an answer like that one i jus put down? Flip, laugh, ignore you? Slap you in the face??? lol Honest? Ever think of trying to approach it from a non R point of view?
Mike, yes I am aware my thread locked up and must start a new one. Thought i would wait a bit till my mood is not quite so blue other wise I'll have to type in blue ink.
time to go and check on voting results. OHIO please go HC. Please.
grid, lost
Grid,
I think Ohio went to HC. I don't think it will make a difference who the Pres is, they will do what's best for their party first, if it's good for the country second.
Like I said W isn't seeing OM now. D24 says W works and comes home, she will go out with her best friend who is my best friends W. They try to get info about me from him, we talk about it and decide. They wanted him to find out if I'm dating someone, told him to say I would only say it was a friend. He's the one who told me W said she drove by the house to check if I came home. I have driven by D's house during the day, you can see her house from the main road, and have seen W's car there during the day. I drive around for my job quite a bit. Probably about 100 to 250 a day. D's house is 3 houses off a state route.
I need to find an alarm that will go off if W drives by to check on me!! If she did it once I would think she will do it again. Although I'd like to see her do it.
Mike
Mike
When is your next phone coach session?
Ever ask W to go out to dinner with you as planned?
Spoke with my H the other evening on telly, stuff about house. he started using foul language and I calmly said I'm not taking this language abuse and said good-bye.
Later H called me back and said he was calling on a more neutral issue. He was much nicer on phone.
Believe he is starting to be surprised when I just end a conversation and will not deal with his nasty mean attitude.
Other than that all is quiet on the home front. H agreed in Mid April to come and dog sit for me if I wanted to go away for weekend. never told him where I was going and he now knows not to ask.
Hated to ask him to come and dog sit.
What is a LBS to do????? lol
cheers,
grid, lost
Grid,
I have to call and set up next session. I asked her to go to Chucky Cheese with me D's And S26 and GS, but she gave an excuse about needing to do laundry. Met with her and attys today for property settlement. She only wants her knick knacks, some dishes and cookware, and the love seat. I've agreed to sell the 57 Chevy, don't know what it's worth, it's not restored but only 116k miles.We had a lot of fun with that car. I need to decide if I want to keep the house and give her her half of the equity or sell it and split it.
Good job on letting H not talk that way to you. Where are you going on your weekend get away? Maybe some time back in the house and with the dogs will have some effect on him.
Take care.
Mike
My W has had a OM, he is married, she thinks in her MLC mind he will take her out on a date if she gets a D.
Mike,
How long ago was this?
When did you first find out?
How did you find out?
Reason I am askng is to get a bit more of a back ground on you twos past b/f WAW set in.
grid, lost
I have to call and set up next session.
Ok, Mike, get to it and set up another session. You made progress after the first session and time is a flying.
Remember, we are here and supporting each other for DBing, not to go for a D if at all possible to avoid.
but she gave an excuse about needing to do laundry.
OUCH! Been there and done that one. Hurts when S will not just come out and be honest, as in saying Thank you but I'd rather not. Did either of your kids hear you ask her? If so how did they react? Not that I am suggesting put them on spot or try to use them, as that would be cruel and wrong.
She only wants her knick knacks, some dishes and cookware, and the love seat. I've agreed to sell the 57 Chevy, don't know what it's worth, it's not restored but only 116k miles.We had a lot of fun with that car.
LOL, ok, wait till reality hits her. 57 chevy, hell I was 2 yrs old then! lol, what color is the car? Remember you may sell the car but will always have those wonderful memories. Why don't you shine it up and take to the Carlisle, Pa. car show? Big crowds! fun weekend, for sure, tax write off. Lots to do and see there. How far is Harrisburg, Pa from you. show is about 30 minutes, west and bit south of Harrisburg.
I need to decide if I want to keep the house and give her her half of the equity or sell it and split it.
MMMMM..what are your thoughts on that one???? How is market in your area? Market here is unchanged from 2 yrs ago. Maybe slowing down a bit, but not much. If you sell, you'd be selling home kids grew up in correct?
If that is so, so much for our D does not affect the kids.
Do you want all that added stress and cost? I would be staying right here if it were not for my dogs and life style with them. Funny first year H was gone I wanted to get out of this house and all memories. Now I have become such friends with neighbor across road wish didn't have to move. Funny how time changes things for us.
If you buy-out W, take out a 30 yr. mortgage and make 2 or 3 extra payments applied to the "principal only" each year and before you know it, paid off way early.
Plus safety of a low monthly payment. Sorta creates an intangible disability policy if you follow me.
Good job on letting H not talk that way to you. Where are you going on your weekend get away? Maybe some time back in the house and with the dogs will have some effect on him.
thank you! I am so tired of his foul negative mouth and do not feel should have to listen to it. Wouldn't put up with it from someone else so why him, right??? Not meaning to leave impression he is a nasty person, just can go off on these rants of negative and foul mouth which I hate and always have. Since MLC this behavior became regular MO for H. So he doesn't want to deal with me well neither do I with he.
H called tonight to say he had purch. some necessary stuff for business and used a debit/credit card, not quite a debit card as takes 2 or 3 days to hit the account but not a credit card as hits directly to the cash account in couple business days. Of course tells me this after the fact, credti union is closed and it is weekend. Which means most likely Monday all will hit the account and we will be short. Plus now H has to mail me all the docs. which then will become lost.
So sick of dealing with this. Now you can see why we are not getting along. Want to live normal again and not play this game. Maybe I should set up another phone session. Hope you can pick up in my posting how short fuse I have become with H. Tired of playing his game. Want a normal life again with him or without him.
Well thank you for letting me rant for a while. Hope your weekend is going better than mine. tomorrow I am giving some time to SpCA. That should help.
OOPS, nearly forgot, my trip. going with friends on a 2 day bus trip to Inner-Harbor MD and then the next day to Washington, DC. Be nice to get away, see some sights and laugh with friends. I have not laughed in so long!!!!
grid, lost
Grid,
Good to hear from you again. The OM was probably a year or more ago. W would always talk about him. Then one day she went shopping with her sister and left her my space IM on the computer. It was very sexual talk with some other guy. Then I started checking her cell phone and looking in her purse and found OM's phone #. She claimed they were friends.
The Chevy is Turquoise and Ivory with factory green tinted windows. All original except for a four speed trans. We've had it over 20 years. Housing market here is pretty depressed. The house needs some work, new carpet in some rooms, baths redone, new kitchen floor. Auditor values it at 124k. W wants a value of 120k. I think value is more like 100k, so much to be done. I'm going back and forth on it. On one hand it will be me and D19, do I need 4 bedrooms for us, on the other could pay off all bills and small down payment on smaller house or condo.
Going to S27's house tomorrow night, will stop by D24's house first even though it's in the opposite direction to stop by on my way to have a drink with a friend.
Mike
Good to hear from you again. The OM was probably a year or more ago. W would always talk about him.
Ok, so lets see, W left about 6 months after this little IM and lookie lookie time? What went down between two of you? How were you doing with M? How did you deal with the A, EA or PA does not matter, I know that now!!
DBing, how have you changed interactions with W since last summer? Mike I am looking for change in your actions with W as comparred to then????? Just feel you are getting her to warm up a bit and time is sorta running out.
When your kids first learn about OM? How have they handled it? There has to be different action steps lets try and ID them. If I am over stepping here please just tell me to back off if I am, ok?
The Chevy is Turquoise and Ivory with factory green tinted windows. All original except for a four speed trans. We've had it over 20 years.
OH, one of my favorite colors for the old muscle cars. Green tinted windows, WOW, haven't seen those on a vehicle for a long time. Even most restored ones lack tinted glass. MY S-10 pickup is 13 yrs old. Extended cab, rasberry color, tinted glass, 5 speed on the floor pretty little thing. I love it and can not bring myself to sell it! So I can just imagine how you feel having to sell the car. Getting that down on cash? See this D stuff, loose so many ways.
Housing market here is pretty depressed. The house needs some work, new carpet in some rooms, baths redone, new kitchen floor. Auditor values it at 124k. W wants a value of 120k. I think value is more like 100k, so much to be done. I'm going back and forth on it
.
W wants $120k, for herself or as the FMV of home????? Of course if you sell the house W is assuming you will do all the fix up work.??? Well there is a chip to bargain with. Mike, BTW, what happen to asking the court for ordering MC? How is that going?
On one hand it will be me and D19, do I need 4 bedrooms for us, on the other could pay off all bills and small down payment on smaller house or condo
.
Your D19 has she offered up any comments? What about your other kids how is selling their family "home" hitting them. From what you are saying house needs $10,000. put into it or take that or half that amount again in lost sale value? correct? If you're selling and split the money, would you be able to purchase home the size and neighborhood you'd want to have? Funny at first I thought, well since I'm alone just get a smaller house. Ouch, then I go and look at one, plan the furniture lay out. To Small and I end up feeling boxed in. H has agreed to give me the equity in this house. Knock on wood he doesn't back out. Soon am going to have papers drawn up transfering house to 100% my name. Not quite what had in mind for DBing. lol
Mike wish to see you post have another coaching session set up. Stay on this and don't let the door close on you.
Really late now so I better sign off. You surprised me with how late posted back on this board. Are you a night owl? I sure am.
have to go, falling asleep at the desk top.
grid, lost
Grid,
I thought she was having an A with this co-worker. She had a weekday off and was supposed to see two ladies that trained her and her GF. She hadn't had any contact with these two ladies in over a year. I tried to follow her and she caught me. The M was strained I guess because she would be sleeping all the time, I felt ignored. A couple of times she would get a weekend morning off and she would fall asleep when we were supposed to go out. I felt like I wasn't important enough to even stay awake for.
After W first left I would see her about 4 times a week. We'd go out to dinner a couple of times and I would hang out with her at D's the others. We went on a planned vacation together in August. She was supposed to move back home upon our return. She decided not to. After our return I found DB in a book store and read it. Saw that I didn't give her time or space, pursued too much and I didn't see her except once every two weeks. three weeks later she dropped the D bomb.
W wants the value of the house to be 120k. and split the equity.Talked to S27 and asked how he felt about selling the home he grew up in, he said it kinda sucks, but you have to do what you have to. W and I had planned on no vaca this summer and put the money into the house and sell it and get a smaller place, 3br house. I'll need to get a house, very few apts will let you have a dog and like you said I have too much stuff to fit in an apt.
I'm going to call about another coaching session on monday if I can get home in time. No more cardiac rehab, I graduated yesterday. Now I have to do physical therapy on my shoulder.
Mike
We went on a planned vacation together in August. She was supposed to move back home upon our return. She decided not to. After our return I found DB in a book store and read it. Saw that I didn't give her time or space, pursued too much and I didn't see her except once every two weeks. three weeks later she dropped the D bomb
.
Mike,
Do a search for another DBer in much the same boat we are in, user name HHIF. Might take time and read 4 -5 pages of his stitch. Some what like yours (infact believe you've posted there). Anyway, I've been impressed with his own rationalizing where his W is at, how he handles it,that is what his conversations with W are like, his comments to her, and his thoughts on it all. Might give you a bit of strength and encouragement. Of course no two stitches are same.
planned on no vaca this summer and put the money into the house and sell it and get a smaller place, 3br house. I'll need to get a house, very few apts will let you have a dog and like you said I have too much stuff to fit in an apt.
Well if it were me, I'd move fast if going to sell. As market is going to get worse before gets better so longer you wait to put house on market less you're like to net out of sale. Mortgage rates are still fairly low so that is good. Consider investing the money to hire someone to stage the house for you. Money well invested for sale of such a high ticket asset. BTW, are you familiar with what means to have someone stage the house for you?
I'm going to call about another coaching session on monday if I can get home in time. No more cardiac rehab, I graduated yesterday. Now I have to do physical therapy on my shoulder
.
LOL, men and making appointments. Just laughing at the male vs female way of handling setting up phone session. Or maybe it is me, my H would say exactly what you said, If I get home in time. See for me, If I want to set up an appointment, then I make that happen. For example, rather than hope I'll get home in time, I would email Virginia(head honcho @ their offices) tell her who I wish appointment with, give 2 or 3 availalbe times and then ask them to call me at X time to confirm appointment, etc. LOL, H and I use to go round and round on stuff like that.
The attitude of "if I get home in time" just drives me crazy when I want to work on something as important as a coaching session. Must be a male vs female way of handling things or is it me??? So if you were in my H's shoes and we were discussing setting up the appointment, well we would be growling at each other by now. crazy hu? lol
Tell me again how you hurt your shoulder? Now the heart and lines are sound, what or how much do you need worked on the shoulder? Still having a lot of pain with it? LOL Amazes me just how fast our bodies fall apart once we past the "top of the hill mark" !!!! lol
Know what I miss doing? Jogging !!! Use to be a jogger, not a runner, a jogger and just for a mile or two. Boy my back could never handle that anymore.
Well gave time today to SPCA, off site adoptions. Seems we managed to get an 8 month old very small beautiful female husky pup into what appears to be a great home. Complete with another and larger big dog, boy of 4 and girl of 7, plus they have both a Mom and a Dad in the household!!!!!! Wish had taken a pic of this pup. Very small, jet black, with the white paws/legs, mask, soft soft fur and sky blue eyes. What a lovely dog, topped off with lots of energy !!!! She will need those two kids !!!! OH and the little girl was just in Love with the pup. Bet by next Weds. that pup is sleeping on her bed !!!!
All in all a good day. WOW, WAIT a Minute, Mike????
Mike do you see what I just posted????.....
All in all a good day, first time I've ever posted that on here.
thank you for helping me
get back to there, having a good day.
Well my over weight tiger cat is sitting on my lap and arm begging for me to go to bed. Plus have a match dog show, play and train show. Better get some sleep.
cheers,
grid, lost
Grid,
I don't know what staging a house is.
My shoulder has hurt since I got off the pain pills after surgery. Doc says it was probably done in the OR. They put your arm straight out and over your head and keep it there for the five hours of surgery.
Took my Mom out for lunch today, she said maybe the D will be good, start a new R with W afterwards. Told her about MLC and where I think W is in the journey. Mom isn't in real good health, she's had heart problems and can't walk too far. She's trying to walk a little farther every day to build up her legs and heart. She' had 3heart attacks, bypass surgery and stents twice, abdominal aortic anyorism, and other ailments.
Good for the pup, kids need a good dog. A constant friend and companion. Was on call today, had only one, I was hoping for more than that.
Mike
Hi Mike...nice that you had lunch with your mom! I bet she loves lunch "dates" with you!! Have you had your rotator cuff checked? May be more than surgical positioning if it is still not better...that is usually cleared up by now?? Usually our post op patients stop complaining about that 3 or 4 days after surgery. IMHO I would have it checked into...you don't want to have a therapist rip something worse than it already is!
Are things any better your way? Did you get a coaching session in?
I don't know what has happened...but something has lit a small tinge of a fire...maybe we will call it an ember for now, under my H's tushhy!!!LOL!! We played phone tag the majority of last week...I did good, acted as if I had other things going on, and wasn't that interested in what he had to say, I don't know if that sparked his intrest or what...but he text me on Sat...just to see "what's up"...had not done that in 3-4 months!!! And we chatted back forth for a little while...then did it again on Sunday! However, Sunday I was kind of busy, and just answered...forgot to ask him how he was....ooops, so he didn't text back...but just the pure fact that he wanted to know what was going on with me...2 days in a row...that has totally made my month!!! And made my St. Patty's day complete!!! I saw a ray of sunshine from behind the clouds for the first time in months and months. I am by no means getting my hopes up...but from where I have been in the past few months...it's something ;)!!!
So now, where will it go from here...don't know!! He may go back in his shell for another 3 or 4 months.
I went to a St. Patrick's day parade/drinking festival on Saturday...my first time going out in a few months...it was fun. Saw a bunch of friends I hadn't seen in a while, which was nice. I enjoyed multiple budlights...yummy! And a couple irish shots! and a shot of the 3 wise men..one can never have too much knowledge (in case you r wondering..jim,jack,jose!!)
Off to bed 12 fun filled hours tomorrow!
Take care,
Christa
Christa,
Doc says it could be a strain, sprain or a tear. He scheduled a MRI because he said I already had limited motion. I had a MRI but haven't heard the results yet. Taking anti-inflammatories, they seem to be working a little. I'm done with cardiac rehab now I'm going to do rehab on the shoulder. Not going to do phase three, I'll get my exercise reffing soccer games.
Great about H calling and phone tag. Make sure to not jump when the phone rings or was it texts. I do the same thing, try to read too much into what W does or says. Don't get down if he retreats a little after this contact.
Didn't do anything for St Patrick's day except get a hair cut. What an exciting life!! Going to see a friend tomorrow night and maybe have a drink or two. Don't know if I'll visit the wise men, LOL, I have to go to work in the morning. Just a taste of Mr Miller.
I enjoyed lunch with Mom, She got ribs and had enough for dinner. During dinner I got a call and had to cut it short to take care of it. I work on elevators and was on call Sunday. I used to take care of a couple of hospitals elevators here, they were in the Mercy system. Visited one of them a couple of weeks ago, they wanted to know if I was going to work for the new co. Head of maint said it hasn't been the same. The stuff there was some of the equipment that I think I'm the last Haughton guy left in the region.
Hope H doesn't wait long to call/text again.
Mike
Hi Mike....so just need a little male insight on this one PLEASE!!! The H texts me today...and of all days, I like an idiot, walked out of the house without my cell...so back to the story...he texts me at 10:40am and asked "are you working 2day" and of course I do not have a phone, so I can't reply, and at 2pm, another text came thru from him, stating "ok, thanks anyway"....so when I got home from work, looked at my phone and saw what had happend, I text messaged him back and said; I wasn't ignorning you, left without my phone today, just got done working 12 hours, sorry I missed your text, what's up....to which, he does not respond, or at least it has been well over 2 hours and I haven't gotten a response??!! What is up with that??
I didn't of course text him anymore, and I won't...but it's frustrating to me for the simple fact that I have messaged him so many times and he would just ignore me....and I have a very resonable explanation....and now it's like he's ticked about it. I don't get it!
I am trying hard to remain calm, cool, and collected. But am still quite happy because in the past week I have heard from him several times....it is a deffinite turn from where I was a few short weeks ago. I hope this little situation doesn't send him back under his rock! LOL
any advice?
hugs,
Christa
Christa,
Maybe H thinks you're paying him back by not answering his texts like he never responded to yours. I'm not into the texting thing, but I know I don't check my phone for missed calls all the time either. Sounds like from the two texts he had a question that needed an answer pretty quick, besides you can't carry your cell at work can you?
Does H answer the phone if you call? If so next time you miss his text, give him a call and see what it was about.
W is coming over the house to see what she wants . So far all she wants is the love seat and her knick knacks. I'll try my best to DB her, keep upbeat and positive. I think I'm going to sell the house instead of buying her out. I don't need a four bedroom house for just me and D19. I'll look into downsizing into a three bedroom ranch or bilevel. Or maybe even a condo. I've agreed to sell the 57 Chevy, it'll be a sad day to see it go. It is unrestored and only 116k miles on it.
Mike
Mike...that will be a sad day...my dad always wanted a 57 chevy, memories can take you a long way, but being able to pass that car to your children would take those memories farther; I know it would be hard, but you may need to gently remind your W of that.
I'm sure it is stressful and emotional to think about selling your home, one with so many memories, I can't imagine.
As for my sitch, the H did text msg me again today, said he has been trying to get ahold of me so we could talk; i think he was bluffing, trying to get out of being a little fussy yesterday; just my opinion though. I think he may be a little nervous at the fact I have stopped being at his beck and call, not being there every time he wants me to be, and is starting to wonder why he has text me so many times and i haven't even mentioned a word about us getting together. Just my two cents on the sitch!
Take care of you...I saw hamilton on the weather channel...are you in the flooded areas? I hope not, you don't need that too!
hugs,
Christa
Christa - Thngs snd gd. Keep doin wht yr doin. Creating the mystery has defin. peaked his interest. Remember abt wanting what u cant have. It sounds like its starting to get to him. Keep it going. I saw the pics on yr site from Pattys Day. Looked like a lot of fun. I esp. like yr pimp hat. I need to get one of those. I had fun. Was in the Chicago parade again. Was in the float next to WGN crew. Said hi to Tom Skilling.
take care, B
Hey Sorry M. I didnt realize this wasnt Christa's thread.
Good Luck to u both
I don't know what staging a house is.
My shoulder has hurt since I got off the pain pills after surgery. Doc says it was probably done in the OR.
Hi Mike, staging is where you hire a person/company and they come in set up your house (furniture, etc) to make it most pleasing to the highest percentage of buyers. These people stay on top of what people are looking for in a house. They know types of furniture to remove and that which should remain. They understand color and how to find the focial (sp) pt. of each room. In your neck of the woods I would imagine this would be a worth while investment to sell your house.
Up point to selling your house, can rent for a while and then take time to shop for new place to live. Market is not going to improve a lot so you might just find yourself a real deal on second home.
OUCH, your shoulder! Sounds so painful.
Took my Mom out for lunch today, she said maybe the D will be good, start a new R with W afterwards.
Oh, lucky Mom! Mike do you think your W will date you if you get a D???? Or is she playing a came with you?
Are you still going to ask judge for MC?
Stay strong and remember, GAL, PMA, and DBing.
grid, lost
We played phone tag the majority of last week...I did good, acted as if I had other things going on, and wasn't that interested in what he had to say, I don't know if that sparked his intrest or what...but he text me on Sat...just to see "what's up"...had not done that in 3-4 months!!!
Christarn,
this is very positive!!!! I'm happy for you and nice to hear you are having some sun shine in your life!
grid, lost
a shot of the 3 wise men..one can never have too much knowledge (in case you r wondering..jim,jack,jose!!)
WOW, 3 wise men. Now my age is showing as I've never heard of that one before or else area of country live in.
a taste of 3 wise men and I'd be on my A**
lol,
Thanks, Grid...you wouldn't be on your keaster with one shot of the three wise men...it's amazing how smart one shot makes you think you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hince the name!!!
I guess he's continued his interest...heard from him again yesterday! WOW!!!
Mike, sorry we hijacked your thread!!
big hugs to all who are checking on me via mike's thread!!!
And big hugs to mike
christa
I guess he's continued his interest...heard from him again yesterday! WOW!!!
Mike, sorry we hijacked your thread!!
christa
this is very good !!!!! He is coming back, slowly, ever so slowly. Be up and be his friend.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
MMMMM...will have to try the wisdom of three wise men one of this days. lol
grid, lost
Thanks for the advice Grid! Much appreciated! I am not in anyway going to read into this or get my hopes up, as anytime I did in the past, I got hurt (backstory, I am WAW, who is now trying to repair things, been at this almost a year now we've been back and forth for a while on what we are going to do, he's hot and cold...but has been cold for the past 3 months)So, yesterday, he said he had just been wanting to get a hold of me to "talk"....and I text him back stating yeah, I understand busy, what's on your mind...he didn't respond....so either he was bluffing about wanting to talk, or I was a little pushy asking him what he was thinking about. I'm not sure. I am leaning towards the fact that he has text messaged about 8 times in the past 2 weeks, and I have not even made mention of doing anything...which is WAY WAY WAY WAY out of my ordinary. And when we do talk, I am always doing something...even if it is work related....my thoughts are this....he is saying it wants to talk, because he doesn't like the idea, that I'm not wanting to...if that makes any sense??!! And I stopped chasing, if he doesn't text me back, I don't text him or call him...that's it done deal...life moves forward. I'm finally getting this whole DB thing....it's just taken me a damn year to figure it out whole heartedly!!!
Mike, again, sorry for hijacking your thread today...before you know it, this one will be locked too!!! It's all out of love....I guess as much as I ask you for your advice, it probably half way looks like my thread!! LOL!!! :):):)
I hope you are doing ok....((((((((MIKE))))))))))
Christa
Grid, Christa, BM07,
Hijack away, it's all about helping each other, who cares whose thread it's on when you get or give a golden nugget of advice.
Christa, glad to hear things are moving in a positive direction. Don't lose faith if H withdraws after some contact.
My W stopped at the house to make a list of what she wants from the house. She stayed about two hours afterwards. I apologized for not being the H she needed, I now know the things I need to do to change and be him. She's afraid that I'll change back again if she does come back. I also told her I don't want our M back, maybe D is good as it puts an end to the old M. That I still love her but don't have the in love feelings right now, too much time apart. But that I'd like to work on it. She seemed like she didn't want to leave. But she says she still wants the D.
Well got to go, work in the AM.
Mike, what a hard conversation to have. I think its a good sign she lingered around. How did she act when you said " you would like to work on it." Any remorse?
Thanks for the advice/tip about the H withdrawing. I'm not loosing faith yet. Just wondering what way my roller coaster is going to go next??? LOL
Take care of you! I still wish you would reconsider the chevy. When my dad past away, he had so many "toys"(a harley, multiple tractors, a garage full of tools) my sister kept a vehicle my mom had waited her whole life for, and I kept a truck my dad bought right before he was diagnosed with cancer. Every time I drive it, I know he's with me. I know it's something you may not have thought about, but it's something your kids might enjoy later down the road. Just my 2 cents. I know it's hard, and I'm sorry, if it is something you must do....just a thought to ponder.
hugs to you
christa
Christa,
When I told her I still wanted to work on it she didn't say anything at first then said I don't know, not right now. She said she's afraid I'll get my hopes up if we see each other, I'll think she will be coming back. I did tell her I see a change in her, she's not asleep as much, that I thought she was suffering from depression and looks to be leaving it behind.
I'd like to keep the chevy but have no money to buy her half out, the operation took care of our savings. One thing she says she is going to do is go two years without insurance! I told her I thought I was in great health until my heart problem. The bills came up to probably 200K. Told her that something like that would bury her in debt for the rest of her life.
My sons have always said they want the Chevy when I pass, S27 is following in my steps, I used to be an auto mechanic before I got into the elevator trade. He works for a Chevy dealership. D24 even said she'd like to have it! All our kids know how to drive a stick, made sure their first car was one.
Mike
Can you sell it to your son for an insanely cheap price? Is your W's name on the title? Sorry, just trying to help you find a way to keep it in your family. I had to watch many items my dad had worked so hard for be auctioned after he past, it was one of the hardest days of my life. Do you think your wife would listen if you tried to explain to her that your Son would like the car, and you don't want to sell it? i'm sorry I'm obsessed with your car!! I just hate to think that someday, you will or she will, or your kids will so regret that it was sold. Just my thoughts!
I agree your wife seems to be coming out of her hole. I know she probably doesn't think your changes will stick, continue the path you are on, let her continue to see the changes....keep your chin up!
hugs,
Christa
Christa,
Her atty would be all over that move if I sold it cheap. I had been thinking about selling it to get a 68 mustang fastback. In my college days I had a 68 Shelby. Can't afford one of those these days but I could buy a fastback and clone it to a Shelby.
I had something happen Tuesday, I ran into an old female friend at a hotel where we take care of the elevators. We agreed to meet that evening for drinks at the lounge at her hotel. We had a good time catching up on each other. She's going through a D also. Well she ended up having one too many and I had to help her up to her room. She wanted me to stay, I told her it was the alcohol talking, and wished her good night. The next day she called me and thanked me for leaving and wants to see each other again when she's in town next. It was good to feel wanted again.
I know I don't need to get into another R with someone else at this time but it is tempting.
Mike
Be careful with the selling of the car. Her lawyer may try to say that you still owe her half of what it was worth. Especially since you had not consulted her and tried to be sneaky. I would be very careful about that. You may want to talk to your lawyer about options with this before you do anything.
And I agree that you did well with your friend. Being lonely sucks and if nothing else, you have earned points in her book for being a gentleman. If it goes somewhere after this, great. If not, you have a good friend.
kturnernc,
Yes, selling the Chevy cheap would get me in some hot water I'm sure.
My friend has called me almost every day since drinks while she was in town, maybe something there?
Saturday night my GS spent the night with Papaw, it was a blast. He chased the dog and the dog chased him around the house. Got on the internet and got some songs he likes. I had to go to bed early sun, Jr kept waking me up with his kicking, hitting, rolling around and crowding me to the side of the bed,LOL.
When W was over the house she asked me why the boys don't call her. I told her that I had told her twice that they call her and she doesn't return their calls. She said something about her caller ID not working, but she can always call them. She thinks they hate her for doing what she's doing. I said no, they have given up, you never return their calls. Part of MLC, is withdrawing from everyone. She has been to S27's house three times in 5 weeks, after not visiting him at his house for over a year.
k what part of NC you in, Ive got a cousin who is a research professor at Wake Forest.
Mike
My friend has called me almost every day since drinks while she was in town, maybe something there?
Hi Mike,
So nice to learn there still are guys around who know what the word, gentleman means and lives up to it.
At least one less lonely soul or two yes????
D, and the break up of relationship is so depresssing. H just called to say he would be in town on Thurs. and would help me move heavy stuff for me. HU! I told him, "may not be in town that day and have been trying to connect with you on times and dates but you just blew me off". H was a bit taken back and then I would not tell him my plans etc.
I can tell my behavior sets him back, being kept in the dark, plus hurts a bit. What do you think Mike? I tried being sensitive to him and his MLC, got me no respect, so now I just cut him off at the knees. Do you think forcing him to turn himself around or else write me out of his life is the way to go?
How do guys feel when the ladies do not let them into their life as they plan? will he just drift further away or start to miss what he can't have?
oops, almost forgot. Mike I'm happy you know the ladies will not turn their backs on you. You need to be assured you are still aloveable person.
But again, I have to ask "ALL of us reading my post". What are we trying to do here? Support each other in standing and trying to recover our Ms? Or, are we supporting each other in starting different lives with new partners?
Guess have to say, I am feeling really confussed lately. Just my thoughts and not judging anyone else. God knows, I do not have the right to judge another, ever.
grid, lost
Mike,
Can't you and W split the cost to have Chevy appraised and then figure out what her 50% worth is.???
That way, FMV will have been determined by independent third party, Chevy is open to all of family to purchase if they wish and W will not feel she has been cheated.
just my thought.
grid, lost
Mike, drinks with an old friend....nice!! Good for you not going into her room! what a gentlmen, and very debonaire(sp?)! I'm proud of you!
We still need to figure out a way for you not to have to sell the car....I'm so way obsessed with this. I think it's because I have lost both of my parents, and something as awesomely cool as that car, is priceless, not only to you, but to your kids. It's been such a nostalgic part of your family. Do you think if one of your children asks your wife for the car so it won't be a part of the D settlement, so that your grandkids can enjoy it and have fun with it, like they did, she(w) would soften any? Oh, if I could only talk to your W....I would so knock or talk some sense into her!!!LOL
Ok I will quit obsessing about the car for a moment! As for my sitch, the H as cooled for the moment, you have to love this one step forward 2 steps back kind of jive!! So I text mesg him and wished him and the pups a happy Easter, we mesgd back and forth for about 45 minutes...that was nice. I ended it on a high note, and said I had stuff to get done, needed to go. He took a picture of the pups and sent it to me. I thought that was nice. I do want to run something rather strange by you, for male input. Last friday, me and a friend were on our way to get groceries, 4:30 in the evening, and I saw my H stopping by my local pub. I find this EXTEMELY EXTREMELY...did I say EXTREMELY (LOL)...odd, for a couple reasons, first he doesn't work in the town where I live(or at least last time we talked he didn't), second, in order for him to come by this way he would have to take the VERY long way home, third, when I used to meet up with him and his union buddies for drinks after work on fridays, there were 2 pubs they went to, this was NOT one of them, and lastly, I didn't see any other union type vehicles(work vans/trucks etc) in the parking lot. I know I am a typical woman and way overanylize everything. But this particular watering hole, is 3 blocks from my house, and when he and I were together (10years) we NEVER went there. And out of our ten years, he lived in this town for 3, never did we go to this particular pub. And just to up the anty a little, he does know this is where me and my friends go for drinks. Ok, so are you thinking this is odd...or is it just me?? Oh and one more thing...we were only at the store for an hour, and he was already gone. Now, if you met up with your buddies back when you were 30 for drinks on a friday, did you stop at the watering hole for one or two beers and leave...or did you stay and BS for a while? Even when I would hang out with him and his friends, it was at least a 2-3 hour ordeal. Sorry I'm rambling!! Input please!! I just think it is odd odd odd
Ok, I'm done with my story now!! hope you are doing good, how is the arm? Are you still doing PT/OT?? Did they do an MRI yet..if not you need one...just a nurses advice!LOL
take care (hugs)
Christa
Christa,
Don't know if W would go for giving the 57 to one of the boys, right now she seems to be about the money she can get in her hands. She plans on bolting from D's house as soon as she gets support money from me. D's BF is unemployed and without W's paying rent they will probably loose the house.
Your sich I think H was maybe trying to "accidentally" run into you. Don't know if it was to catch you with another man or to see you, can't get inside of his head. I was never thew one to go with the guys after work to drink, I'd rather have been home with W and the kids. I think in all the years I went to 2 topping out parties and for drinks once. The guys I worked with when I did construction would leave work and close the bars down, not my cup of tea.
The shoulder is feeling better, I'm on anti-inflammatory's. Done with cardiac rehab, I'll get my exercise reffing soccer games for now. I did get a MRI. doc scheduled one because I had limited range of motion. Starting therapy on it, didn't have time while doing cardiac.
Mike
Grid,
I think not being readily available to H is good DBing. Maybe let him come by for a half an hour then you have to meet friends and leave. I don't think it's cutting him off at the knees or forcing him to cut you out. He needs to see for you life goes on, he's been used to you being available whenever he comes around like your world revolves around hi. This might lead him to think you might be moving on, won't be available when he's ready.
My friend has called me about every night and I have called her a couple of times. She wants to see me again when she comes to town. I did take her to her room she had a hard time walking, put her on the bad and left. She didn't remember much she said. It feels nice to be wanted by someone again.
W came to the house to make a list of what she wants fron the house. I asked her to be my date for a friends sons wedding, she said she's spending the night with her GF, but will dance with me. She then asked why I don't bring who I am dating. I told her I'm not she said she knows I am. I'm thinking about it but wouldn't pick a friends sons wedding to show up where W is with another female on my arm. That night is about the bride and groom not about our drama.
Mike
I think not being readily available to H is good DBing. Maybe let him come by for a half an hour then you have to meet friends and leave. I don't think it's cutting him off at the knees or forcing him to cut you out.
ok, thanks for your input Mike. Need to hear things from a guys view point.
She wants to see me again when she comes to town.
So nice to be wanted and appreciated. Now what are you going to do? I have thought about dating someone and then I think, what do you do? I am not D, haven't finished my R with H. Yet I am longing just for companionship, etc. Would be so wrong of me to use someone or have them invest emotions in me and then drop them.
It feels nice to be wanted by someone again.
Yes, I bet you do feel a lot better. WAS, are so cold and mean.
I'm thinking about it but wouldn't pick a friends sons wedding to show up where W is with another female on my arm. That night is about the bride and groom not about our drama.
Mike, you do not realize what a kind and considerate person you are. Honest, have not seen you write a word about hurting W for all pain she has put on you.
I have dog show tomorrow so going to post and jump of computer.
later,
grid, lost
I think not being readily available to H is good DBing. Maybe let him come by for a half an hour then you have to meet friends and leave. I don't think it's cutting him off at the knees or forcing him to cut you out.
ok, thanks for your input Mike. Need to hear things from a guys view point.
She wants to see me again when she comes to town.
So nice to be wanted and appreciated. Now what are you going to do? I have thought about dating someone and then I think, what do you do? I am not D, haven't finished my R with H. Yet I am longing just for companionship, etc. Would be so wrong of me to use someone or have them invest emotions in me and then drop them.
It feels nice to be wanted by someone again.
Yes, I bet you do feel a lot better. WAS, are so cold and mean.
I'm thinking about it but wouldn't pick a friends sons wedding to show up where W is with another female on my arm. That night is about the bride and groom not about our drama.
Mike, you do not realize what a kind and considerate person you are. Honest, have not seen you write a word about hurting W for all pain she has put on you.
I have dog show tomorrow so going to post and jump of computer.
later,
grid, lost
<Your sich I think H was maybe trying to "accidentally" run into you.>
Christa,
I agree with Mike. H was out doing a little sideline hunting.
grid, lost
Thanks for your input grid!!! It's my gut feeling too!! I just wish he would ask, instead of being like that...ya know!
thanks guys!
Christa
Grid, Christa,
I am starting to think about dating, W is full speed ahead with the D. Maybe her seeing or hearing I'm dating/moving on will cause her to rethink her position or will it solidify her wanting the D?
Christa, I did go into her room, she was unable to walk very well, so I put her on the bed and left, although she did want me to stay, she even puled me down on the bed with her. I would like to keep the Chevy, but no money to give her half of what it's worth. And no money to work on restoring it. I've had it over twenty years. It had 106k miles when I bought it, now it has 116k.
Mike
It's my gut feeling too!! I just wish he would ask, instead of being like that...ya know!
Christa
What if you ask him? Would he go all negative on you?
grid, lost
I am starting to think about dating, W is full speed ahead with the D. Maybe her seeing or hearing I'm dating/moving on will cause her to rethink her position or will it solidify her wanting the D?
Mike
Well appears in just a few weeks you are going to be free to date and why not? Mike did you ever ask the judge for MC time?
just wondering.
H was in town or rather is in town. He said he did not feel like dinner on Thursd. evening although with a cheerful voice said he would like a rain check as he'll be back in couple weeks.
WE shall see what takes place. Backing away from him seems to be ok, he is not negative or anything and I do not get hurt.
grid, lost
Grid,
Seems being unavailable for S seems to draw them closer somewhat, I guess it piques their interest what we are up to.
Friends son is getting married in two weeks, I asked W if she would go with me. She said she's going to spend the night at a friends house, I know the friend and her H also. She said she would sit and dance with me but is afraid that I will get my hopes up if we date. I told her I'd like to see you from tome to time so you can see I'm making changes in my life. That maybe the D is a good thing, the old M is dead work on a new R. She does want to be friends. She did ask why I don't I bring the woman I'm dating to the wedding. I told her I'm not dating anyone, she said yes you are. I'm only meeting a friend, is what I told her to talk about our siches, she's going through a D she doesn't want also. Really I'm not meeting anyone.
On the other hand the friend I met for drinks has been calling almost every day. She's going though a separation. Her H left her and came back and wants to work on M, she has left him now (before we ran into each other I should add), and doesn't want to work on M, sounds like some of the threads here, LBS becomes WAS. She lives in N Carolina and comes to town every 6 to 8 weeks. She has made me feel attractive and wanted something my W hasn't done for me in years.
I have signed up for another coaching session on Monday. Also have a court date for support and property division on Monday. I guess I'll find out how much I'll have to give her a week, she wants $300/week.
Mike
She said she would sit and dance with me but is afraid that I will get my hopes up if we date. I told her I'd like to see you from tome to time so you can see I'm making changes in my life. That maybe the D is a good thing, the old M is dead work on a new R.
Hi Mike,
You sound down in your post and hope as you are reading this your spirits are up a bit. W is at least willing to see you. that is more than I have. I really feel for you Mike as one can just hear your heart break in between the lines.! Maybe the D is best, as they say, God closes one door and opens windows.
We both have to try and keep that in mind. You must keep telling yourself, What a good person you are, your very thoughtful of others, kind an have a big heart and a good sense of humor. Humor never hurts even in times like ours. I have at present lost my humor. GRRRRR.
H is no talk, just nothing and I guess it is time for me to take the band off and look towards starting a new life and R. Cannot live my life alone like this. Even ask H what he thought about me out with other guys and his answer, I don't know and guess I can't judge after all of this. translate, do it! So sad. I guess what hurt the most is not even having a chance to say boo.
She lives in N Carolina and comes to town every 6 to 8 weeks. She has made me feel attractive and wanted something my W hasn't done for me in years.
Someone has fallen for you Mike!!!! Can't imagine why!
I have signed up for another coaching session on Monday. Also have a court date for support and property division on Monday. I guess I'll find out how much I'll have to give her a week, she wants $300/week.
This is good. Any idea what you'll try to focus on? Just curious. Have thought of another session but since H wants nothing to do with me or R what is the point? Maybe I should have another session just to get permission to move outside the M. Keep posting here as you need the board community support to help get through the months ahead. I have read a lot of posts where the D went through and then the couple ends up getting back together. This maybe the course your M is going to have to take.
Well guess I'll go check out e-Harmony. Whet H****! Right.?? lol
grid, lost
Mike...stoppin in to check on you!! How was the wedding? How was your W acting?
Have you had any more beverages with your friend from out of town? It must have made your guy meter go thru the roof when she wanted you to stay...but your a gentleman! And she's still calling you....even more reasons for the guy meter to go hey wire!! totally awesome for your PMA! And you're well deserving of it!
Only you will know when and if it's time to date. Your heart will tell you!
I moved my thread over to the WAW section. Thought I might get some more feed back...we shall see! I have one going on here (newbies) also. One positve in my sitch. My sister ran into my H, and another of my favorite pubs this weekend...rather crazy i think, two weekends in a row, he's 30 miles away from home...and hanging out at my fav. pubs...in a town with at least 30 pubs if not more???? let me know your thoughts on that one!
hugs 2 ya
christa
Grid,
You're right, I have been feeling down. Seems every time we have a court date I get that way, add to that I ran out of my meds, oh well. Had a coaching session, she said time to act business like around W and drop the rope, just what interaction is needed for working on D. W has agreed to help get house in shape to sell, clean, fix ...
Interaction with old friend has gotten me feeling W doesn't want me anymore why not find someone who will want me in their life? My DIL has said she works with some women I might be interested in, LOL, being set up on blind dates by your kids. Not ready for a blind date yet.
Christa,
Wedding is on the 12th hasn't happened yet. Friend isn't scheduled to be in the area for the next month. So no drinks yet!Yes that has done wonders for my PMA. Got me thinking if W doesn't want me why pine? There are others out there who will. Been talking to a woman thru e-mails then on the phone, we're going to meet this week to see if there is any interest. Talking with her on the phone, I haven't laughed so much in years, W was always sleeping. Coach said to drop the rope, maybe seeing someone will help.
I think your H is going to the pubs you hang out at to "accidentally" run into you. I would be interesting if your sister followed him after he left to see if he went to another of your hangouts. Station one of your friends at each hangout, they could give you the a full stop by stop report, LOL. Did H see you sister? Next time she sees him, have her call you, get yourself dolled up and show up, see what happens.
Mike