Okay, I'm back with a new thread before I get locked out of the old one.
Sorry I didn't get on earlier, because I had a ton of running to do today and just not was able to sit at the computer.
Nothing really to report today. The wife is sick so she hasn't been too active in much today. I ran out and picked her up some coffee (neither her or I can function without the stuff
), some cough drops, and some tissues. I took the kids with so she could have some peace and quiet.
Then I went out and took care of a few odds and ends and when I got back I worked a little bit on my project for my class and then had to attend a "play" put on by my kids. Well, really it was more like twenty minutes of my daughter telling my son what to do, but they called it a play so I applauded when appropriate.
Anyway, that's all to report so far. I think this weekend may prove to be pretty low key, which is fine by me.
I have been so worried about you!!
Glad you are ok.
Maybe the stress is taking a toll on her. At this point, take care of her, help when she needs it and be the good guy you are. Stay the course, you're doing great!
No need to worry. As rough as it is, whatever happens I'll come through it. Hopefully, I'll come through it still married.
How are things on your end? Were you able to work out what was buggin' him that day?
Today (Sat) she came to me and said that she wanted to take the kids to the aquarium downtown and asked me if I wanted to go. I said of course and we went. Unfortunately, the kids were pretty bored by the whole thing and weren't exactly on their best behavior, so it wasn't as pleasant a day as it could have been, but I still see it as a positive, especially that she asked me about it.
Other than that, it's been quiet on the D front. I'll post again tonight if anything changes.
Today was a pretty quiet day. Nothing much to report. Still doing the 180s, still keeping positive, still trying to keep it all together. Just wanted to check in. It's been pretty quiet on the board as well. Hope everyone is doing okay.
Ahhh, not so hot. You can read about my weekend, and it continued into this morning. But I am just going to keep on I guess and not do anything much but worry about me and play some tennis tonight.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1738736I am glad you are ok.
I responded to your thread in your thread. It sounds like you had a stressful weekend but not entirely negative. The important thing right now is recognize the positives and not let the negatives weigh you down. Remember your mood can reflect off of those around you. Sometimes "negative" things can work in your favor. For instance, you had a right to be angry about that woman sending you those emails. However, notice his reaction to when you backed off when he signaled you that he'd had enough. He apologized! The truth is (from a guy's perspective) when someone is assaulting us verbally or emotionally, there is a very small window where we continue to listen. After that point, "Flooding" occurs. This is where we become overwhelmed with emotion and it triggers a sort of "fight or flight" effect. We may lash back or we may just tune you out. We may even leave the situation. No matter what, we aren't hearing the rest of what you say. It's not just with women, guys do it with each other too. If you can remember any time when you've witnessed two guys having an argument, I bet the root of the issue was brought up immediately and the resolution followed soon after. Either they had it out verbally and walked away from each other or some sort of physical confrontation ensued. Either way it was over quickly.
But when he told you that he'd had enough, you agreed with him and gave him space. However, you still got out everything you had to say at that time and it must've sunk in, because he came back and apologized. Awesome!
I didn't want to post this on the other board, but I warned you his mother because I've made that mistake in the past. Not with her mother, but her friend. Eventually, everything I said got back to my W, but skewed through the lens of their friendship. In other words, plenty of things I said were made to look a lot worse than they were. And this friend didn't do it on purpose, she wants our marriage to succeed. However, when it comes down to the line, her interests lay with my wife. You obviously can't ignore her, your S is her grandchild, but I would be careful and take anything she says with a grain of salt. I'm not saying she doesn't care about you (I'm sure she does), but she is probably worried about her son and grandson, and that can often skew their take on the situation. I don't have the book accessible right now, but Michelle warns against that in DR as well. I'll post the page when I find it.
You sound like you are doing fine for now. Good work. Just stopping to say hi and check in. I have been keeping up with your posts but having problems of my own and don't feel like I have much to offer anyone right now. You are in my thoughts keeping your M safe.
You are absolutely right. My girlfriend that I'm living with said it best: "She isn't here. She has no idea how much he's around you and how he acts around you. She only knows what he tells her."
So I was just respectful to her. I did let her in a couple of things, and he could hear me, to let her know I'm not sitting her like a crazy woman trying to be a crazy woman. There are outside factors screwing with me.
But I said a million times, "You're right Nanny.....yes, you're right.....no, no, you're right.....we'll figure it out....yes I know and I love you both very much too.....and S is everyone's priority.....I'm not mad.....I want you to open up to us and say what's on your mind.....we're all family....etc." Completely agreeable.
My MIL and FIL have both been very very good to me. I will not deny that and I will remember it always and treat them just like they've treated me.
And you sound so grounded and completely on board with all the DB rules. I'm so proud of you. What I need is for a miniture, invisible you to sit on one shoulder and a miniture invisible AJM to sit on my other shoulder and keep me on target.
Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. I've just been at it a lot longer is all. Remember I have three years of failed attempts at fixing this before this. AND...I'm not even sure if it's working. All you have to remember is that you have to work at it and you cannot give up. At most you change your approach. You can go back on just about anything except for one thing: giving up.
How are things going with you?
Yesterday me and H talked. I broke the rules and I asked him point blank "Do you want to be with this girl?" He said no. He said there was a time when yes, he did, but not anymore. Granted, he didn't say "Because I want to be with you" but he did say no to her.
That was around 9:00am. I haven't talked about her since and plan to not every speak about her again. She is officially dead to me.
Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Been a busy day.
Well, you're going to break the rules from time to time. The rules are really like very heavy guidelines. Since no two people are the same and all Rs consist of two people there can be no one exact foolproof way to do it. The important thing is that even though you "broke the rules" you got a positive response. Now it would be best to just drop that for now. Let it go, and move ahead with your DBing.
I can tell you what I've seen from your posts in the other topic and here that things are looking up for you. Your H seems to be reaching out in his own way and he seems to be making his feelings a bit more known than he did in the past.
The thing to remember with guys is that if a guy is going to answer your question he's going to answer what you asked him. You asked him if he wanted to be with the girl and he told you no. Chances are he isn't going to say "because I want to be with you" because to a guy he's already said it. He knows that you asked him that in regards to her vs. your R. So by saying no he's saying "because I want to be with you." At least that's how it would appear to me.
Still, just keep doing the 180s and keep doing things for you. You need to keep taking care of yourself (I know it can seem difficult at times) and stay upbeat and positive.
Here's something else to think about...
The hardest thing for me to grasp is that when you visibly let the problems effect you, you empower the other person. Not necessarily consciously, but the entire M now rests in that person's hands. They can approve of fixing it or destroy it. Either way, you have no say in either. So they hold all of the power.
However, it doesn't have to be that way. You have to give it to them. I know I did. I would get upset and pursue my wife, trying everything I could to make her see that D was the wrong idea. In the end, I pushed her towards it.
If you think about it there is truly very little control we have over our lives. There's always a million factors that can change anything for better or worse. In this day of failing economies and lay-offs nothing is guaranteed, regardless of your work history or experience. However, in chaotic times when we find that one thing that we can control, that one decision we can make that will change our lives in a huge way and this change comes completely from our own decision and action...well, that kind of control can seem to be very empowering and attractive. I think the decision to leave or divorce offers that kind of control, despite the fact that the promise itself is based entirely in falsehood.
So the way to combat the attraction of this control is not let H's decision visibly effect your life. If you do, you run the risk of handing him more control. However, if you continue to move in a positive direction despite this decision, you are exposing the falsities of this control's promise.
Wow again Mr Lost, you continue to amaze me with your insight and understanding. You have so much to offer someone, I hope some day, your W comes to see all of who you have become through this sitch. You have truly embraced the idea of taking whatever comes and turning it into something better.
My stitch just might be turning a corner too. Positive thoughts abiding.
Kassie-
Glad to hear things are looking up for you.
The problem I'm having right now is that I don't know what to do at this point. I am continuing with the 180s and I am keeping positive, but she has not given me word one about the D. Granted that's a good thing, except she hasn't done anything to really let me know anything. I still have the packet, but we never discussed it. We seem to be getting along, but I just don't know if I should be doing or saying something at this point. While I don't want to pressure her, I also don't want things to grow stagnant. The divorce came out of stagnation and I certainly don't want to feed it. I know I need to keep positive, but I also want to keep moving forward. Any ideas or should I just sit tight awhile longer.
I agree, you have grown tremendous amounts. All of us can learn from you.
I think the fact there's been no mention of D is great. She maybe thinking "Holy crap, what have I done?" But now it's the 800 pound gorilla in the room and you don't want to feed or even get close to it. Understandable and good call.
How about this: Do something sort of unexpected all things considered. Plan a night out for you and the kids and invite her...like an after thought maybe.....make sure she knows you and the Mr. Lost Clan are going no matter what. Say to her "I think we both need to hit the release valve here.....if you want to come, we'd love to have you, but if you have plans or your not up for it, we'll be home at X time." And go from there. Get her to have fun with you. Be a goof ball.
First of all, the kind of stagnation that brought the D about, is not the same as now. My understanding is that things did not change before and now they are changing slowly. If that is true, then you are on a good course.
What to do? Stay the course. Enjoy things being ok. It's an important time to show her that things will continue to improve.
I wasn't going to tell this, but I think it may help you. In my first M, we were separated living together for a few years so that I could complete my master's degree and be able to provide a solid financial home for me and the kids. During that time, I had given up trying to change things and so did he. We stopped arguing, we got along and did things as a family with the kids for their sake and the rest of my family - my mother was dying during this time and he offered to help take care of her along with everyone else. By the time we filed for D, everyone was shocked because we had been getting along so well. Soooo, that made us rethink the D. He kept asking"what are we doing?" and I kept saying "we will talk when we get home". Only he never did talk to me once we were home and I just didn't question him. After the D, I wondered if I should have pushed a talk. By the way, I was the one asking for the D originally. He was the one who pushed it through in the end. We were able to stay friends, not just because of the kids, but because that is the kind of people we are. It seemed to me then that we may been able to salvage our M but didn't talk. Moral... getting along is a good thing, change is a good thing, making change the new norm is good, next step is doing something together as a family. When family events came up I told my exh, you are going as long as we are M, when we are D you can stop going. When you feel it is the right time to ask her if she still feels the same - you will know it. I encourage you to talk with her when you are ready. She offered to talk when the papers came. If you can live in the same house, be friendly daily, know what is coming, and still want to work on it, then please talk about it at some point.
So far, you have been a good judge of things and timing. I trust you to know when to initiate a talk.
If I can help any further just ask - you know I will be here.
See, I'm having a hard time reading her. I can't quite get where she's at. She doesn't talk about the future much at all, where before she was bringing it up daily. Since she was bringing it up without me in it, that's a good thing. Still, the fact thatnothing has come up is a bit troublesome.
We have been doing things together as a family more and her mood has generally been better. But I can't quite get where she's at and where I should be. Believe me, I want to talk to her about it, but right now I know if it goes negative I'll be crushed and don't know exactly how to deal with it. She keeps getting letters in the mail from the lawyer (from the billing dept.), but hasn't asked me word one about the terms she sent me. However, I told her that I didn't want to talk about it, so that may be part of it. Then again, she seemed almost surprised and even a little worried when the packet arrived, so I'm thinking she may be having second thoughts. But I also don't want to get my hopes up and then have the whole thing blow up in my face.
I guess the quick summary here is that I am so lost and confused right now as to what she is thinking, but I also do not think that bringing it up right now will be in my best favor. I have until April 30th to sign the packet and if I do not, then I get served. While I don't plan on signing the packet, if I bring it up now and she still wants the divorce, she may very well have me served sooner.
So I'm kind of stuck. I don't want to rush into something and pressure her, but I also don't want wait around and do nothing and let this thing progress.
This is more of a vent/rant journaling post but any comments/concepts/help/ideas are welcome.
Mr. (truly)Lost
Not getting a read on your W now maybe a sign that things are shifting. Just step back and think about things - if you change what you do and she changes her response then what shows up is new feelings for both. But it doesn't mean that you can't read her - it means that you have to let what you know about her in the past to catch up with what you see and do in the present. (was that too confusing?)
It would not be wise to do anything you are not prepared to handle. What do you have to do to get to that point?
Just a suggestion, instead of describing yourself as "stuck" try using the words- "staying the course" (or come up with your own)
instead of "lost and confused" try - "figuring out what has changed and/or what is working".
Then, I think you have to see that she cares about you and maybe more than that. "More family time", "better mood", "stopped talking about the future without you in it", "worried about you",
"not bringing it up".
She's giving you space, time to digest, but she could be using it as an excuse for having doubts or slowly second guessing herself.
Any help?
Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days. Busy weekend and today was busy as well.
Nothing much to report. I've been taking time to spend with her when I can. Alot of time she'll watch tv upstairs and I'll let her watch for awhile and then come in there and watch with her. Usually we'll talk, but not about something serious. If I get the feeling she needs time or space, I'll go downstairs and do something else. I'm not going to force myself on her, but I also don't think existing separately with her is a good idea either.
Been keeping myself busy during the day and try to go about my life in a positive way.
Thinking about you and praying for the best.
Well, everything had been pretty stagnant until last Saturday.
Here's the update...it isn't horrible, but it isn't shiny either.
On Sat. when I woke up my wife asked me about a check that I had but did not cash. It was for a decent amount, but I had been saving it for a lawyer. She knew I had it, but hadn't asked me about it. But Sat. she said she needed it to pay bills. I gave it to her and she deposited it into the account. She tells me that I should keep half of it. So now we're back to the yours/mine stuff again.
Then later on that day we went to the cell phone store so she could exchange her phone. Now the cell phone account is in my name. She goes ahead and exhanges her phone and renews the contract for two years. I don't think that she is malicious in that way, but I did find it odd that she would renew a contract for an account in my name if she plans on being divorced in a couple months.
So yesterday I talked to a good friend of mine and my wife had gone to lunch with his wife that previous Friday. I asked him if his wife had said anything to him about it and he told me that all she said was that the paperwork had been filled out and so she (my friend's wife) assumed it was a done deal.
Today (monday) she is paying bills and is missing the bill for the rings we bought in November. She asked if I took that bill. I told her no. I just let it go because there was no need to escalate that.
Then tonight she asked about my cousin's baby. She told me she'd like to see the baby but didn't know if she would be allowed. I asked her what she was talking about and she said "Well, you know, I didn't know if they were all wierd about this."
So this is where I stand. After all of this crap, I seem to be back where I started. Maybe I waited too long. Maybe she's trying to push to make me push back. I don't know. I had planned on talking with her abot all this over the coming weekend, but it turns out that's Easter weekend and I don't want to ruin the holiday if things go poorly.
I'm a bit trapped here and I have no idea what to do next. I thought I was doing well, but it seems to be sliding backwards quickly. I'm not sure what steps I need to regroup here and I'm running out of time.
Mr L,
If you are still out there I am back and I apologize for leaving you so abruptly.
Will you update me please?
Still looking for you and think about you.
Still looking for you and think about you.
Looking for you still here.
ME 43
Her 37
Married 6/98
Seperated March 20th
Her- not sure
Me willing to make changes
Help..I have read Michell's books Divorce Remedy, My wife and I have been married for 11 years. two wonderful boys, and a very happy home. I have built resentment over her weight gain to the point that I damaged our intimacy and relationship, she built up walls like Jericho. Finally she had enough, she informed me that she wanted out. i was shocked..because over the last year I had actually put the physical behind me in our relationship, but the damage was done. Ther is nothing more that I want than to have my "eternal companion with me for ever. I I have made some seriouse changes, but she is still unsure. We are in a no sex relationship, but the hardest part for me is having here heart far from me. We are truly best friends, our councilor tells me that I need to be patient for my wife to see my changes are permanent. How long will this take? I know that I am over those issues, but How can I gain her trust back without begging or pleading?
You should start your own thread in Newcomers so that people will respond to you directly there.
So to hear that you are here with the rest of us, but you'll find no better group of people who understand the pain you're going through.
Hey all, I am sorry that I have been away for months now. I am still around and I meant to post here, but things have been so in and out of control that I haven't had a free moment to do so.
I will post later tonight or tomorrow a detailed update but here's a quick rundown.
My wife came to me on Easter and told me that she was calling off the divorce. Everything seemed to be going better...but there were still issues that were not approached.
This past Sunday she hands me a note that says that she is filing for a divorce again. She has given me a couple of reminders throughout the week about the fact that she is still going through with it.
However, it gets incredibly more complicated than that but I only have a few moments here. I promise I will post a more detailed thread later. I will start a new thread here so that we can begin again...again...