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Rollin' with the punchesWell, kind of. I’ve still got so much to learn about myself and relationships I’ve come to realize.
I’ve been confiding in a very smart male friend of mine to guide me along in my first “real “ relationship. He knows me well and my tendencies and well, he knows guys, so it’s been super helpful.
M and I ran into something again I didn’t post about on here, but it was around new baby mama drama and him taking it out on me a little . I overcame it , he gave me a sideways apology. But I took it.
He came over last night, I grilled us some steaks and corn. We were on my deck and whenever he talks about stuff around my house, yard, etc, he says “oh, WE can do this and that”
He was talking about the vacation he booked that I can’t go on. It’s going to be him, his dog and a cabin in the woods. He was speaking very excitedly about it. I did say “ you are kind of happy I can’t make it, aren’t you?” He said no, but I do really look forward to that tome alone on the lake to clear my head and just do what I want when I want” basically, yes, I think he’s happy I’m not going . I’m the best person to ever vacation with because I am just happy to be where I am and I’ll do anything and go with the flow. I think he knows we would have had a great time together, but he will also have a great tome without me . And I am getting that he is definitely an introvert who needs this. And hopefully I make it to my bachelorette party that week.
We do have fun stuff coming up together which I am looking forward to. But next weekend is my birthday and I’m not saying boo. He needs to figure this one out and plan something. He does need to step it up a little that way.
We did have a great night last night. We were laying in bed and he said “I love you” multiple times. I do believe he loves me. That friend of mine believes so too. But when you take two people with kids, post divorce , doing their own things with their own lives and own homes, it really is a learning experience to mesh. I love him enough that I am willing to trial and error this and work our way through the good and bad and keep communication open.
Both of us are childless tonight again. He was supposed to put in my air conditioners last night but he forgot. This morning he says “ I never put in those air conditioners. I can do it tonight though” so maybe he does want to see me again. Tonight, I am going to have a discussion about personal tome and time together. I feel like I’m always doing the one asking to hang out. I’m going to tell him I’ll tell him my free days and I will leave it in his court to come to me if he wants to spend time with me. I think he does for the most part,, but he needs his days alone. I have a BBQ this weekend I was going to invite him to, it’s on Sunday, lol. I don’t really know if I should or not. But either way, D11 and I will be going and having a blast.
Enough of my rambling. But really, when it gets serious there truly is a lot to navigate and learn with so many factors in play. But I do believe it’s worth it for the ones you love.
Well, kind of. I’ve still got so much to learn about myself and relationships I’ve come to realize.
I’ve been confiding in a very smart male friend of mine to guide me along in my first “real “ relationship. He knows me well and my tendencies and well, he knows guys, so it’s been super helpful.
You are not alone, Ginger. I think we ALL have a lot to learn about ourselves and relationships. I honestly believe when we stop learning we grow indifferent and indifference breeds all sorts of negative things in a relationship or even within ourselves.
It is helpful to get a viewpoint from someone of the opposite sex who you trust. My best friend is a wealth of information for me on how men think and I'm so grateful that we have a level of trust that allows us to talk about anything and everything.
Both of us are childless tonight again. He was supposed to put in my air conditioners last night but he forgot. This morning he says “ I never put in those air conditioners. I can do it tonight though” so maybe he does want to see me again. Tonight, I am going to have a discussion about personal tome and time together. I feel like I’m always doing the one asking to hang out. I’m going to tell him I’ll tell him my free days and I will leave it in his court to come to me if he wants to spend time with me. I think he does for the most part,, but he needs his days alone. I have a BBQ this weekend I was going to invite him to, it’s on Sunday, lol. I don’t really know if I should or not. But either way, D11 and I will be going and having a blast.
I understand what you are saying about feeling like you are always the one to ask to hang out. Sparky and I had this discussion recently because he had sent me a link to his google calendar and asked me to put all of our important upcoming plans on it so he wouldn't miss anything. I think men and women approach this whole hanging out thing differently. Sparky just kind of takes it for granted that he will spend the night at my house on Friday and Saturday nights, but occasionally, depending on what we have going on or if his mother needs help with something, we may change it up a bit. I buy groceries near the end of the week so that I can cook for us while he's here and I grocery shop a little differently if I'm cooking for both of us as opposed to just cooking for me, so I almost always ask if we are still on our "regular schedule". This used to surprise him, as though I didn't want him there, and that wasn't it at all. I was just trying to get my grocery list done. LOL Sparky sometimes just assumes we are doing something or not doing something without a plan. I'm a planner, which I know is frustrating to some people, but I want to know ahead of time. I do not do "fly by the seat of my pants" well. Just keep talking about things with M and you will eventually get into a comfortable place with each other where y'all can both instigate activities without it being too much pressure or whatever.
I didn't comment on your last thread about his need for space/personal time and being an introvert, but I agreed with a lot of what others were saying to you. I have a little insight because Sparky and I are the opposite of you and M. I am the introvert in our pairing and I NEED that alone time. When Sparky first started staying over on weekends, he would just stay on Friday, then he would leave late in the afternoon on Saturday and I would have Saturday evening and Sunday alone. Now, he usually stays both nights and leaves late on Sunday so I really only get Sunday evening alone and sometimes that is just not enough for me. I love Sparky dearly and enjoy my time with him, but I NEED time alone to just relax and unwind. I have a job that forces me to be an extrovert. I interact with a lot of people on a daily basis, especially when I have a heavy course load and teach 3 or 4 classes a day. Those days are a minimum of 100 people and during class I have to be "on". It is very draining for me to have to be "on" so much of the time and I need to just go home and shut the world out so honestly, if I had the opportunity to do that, I might turn down time with Sparky to get time to recharge. I think communication is the key here. Be honest with him about what you need, but at the same time, you have to realize that he has needs as well and if you want him to respect yours and work with you then you have to respect his and work with him. My XH just didn't get it and would constantly whine about what he had done to make me mad if I needed a little alone time. It had NOTHING to do with him. I just needed some down time. Sparky, fortunately, gets it. I don't see anything wrong with inviting him to the BBQ if you really want him to go, but be sure that you make it clear that while you would like him to go, you aren't demanding it. You're just offering a casual invitation to hang out.
Enough of my rambling. But really, when it gets serious there truly is a lot to navigate and learn with so many factors in play. But I do believe it’s worth it for the ones you love.
I totally agree that there is a lot to navigate and learn and there are a lot of factors in play, including that you and M are individuals with your own thoughts and agendas. You aren't always privy to his and he's not always privy to yours so you have to make the best decisions with the most information that you have. As I have said to J9 many times before, stay out of your own head. You can assume and overthink and worry about what M is thinking, but you don't truly KNOW what he's thinking at any given time unless he tells you and even then it is easy to dissect and go "yeah, but..........." Just relax and enjoy the present. He loves you and you say you believe that he really does. That is a GREAT thing! So just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, so to speak. Relationships are work, but if you keep communicating and be open and honest with each other, the work is sometimes easy and often rewarding.
Hi Ginger. I typed out a post to you this morning and then changed my mind and deleted it. On my lunch I went back and read some back story to get some context.
I'm going through a very similar thing perhaps. I too am 3 years out. I made new "just me" traditions and routines and was very comfortable in them. People around me were also comfortable with them to the point where they would worry when I varied from that routine
I too am an introvert. An outgoing one perhaps, but introvert still. Fortunately B is also somewhat like that. Since I always like telling stories, ole' Uncle AP is gonna tell you another one. Last weekend B went out to her cottage on Friday night. I get home from work late and TBH it was nice to just sit and chill with a cold beer and not have to interact with anyone or be accountable. Saturday, after more or less doing my usual routine that I've done for years, I went out to the cottage where I met much of B's immediate and extended family. I had a great time but left a bit before dark. I got home, relaxed, had a glorious long sleep stretched out on the bed and when B got home mid-afternoon, I was delighted to see her.
I know that my intended trip to Spain on my own this fall bothers her undoubtedly for a wide variety of reasons. We are both confident that museums and art galleries are not her thing. I know that with some exceptions such as her upcoming "girl's weekend", that she wants to include me in the routines and traditions that are her's. Even minor things like toilet lid up or down or the sudden influx of items to the medicine chest that used to hold a box of band-aids and anti-itch cream is a thing. I could go on and on and on, but this is your thread and not mine
From what I read, I think that M is letting you in to his life much more slowly than you would like. I don't doubt that he needs his own personal
separate bubbles to just be himself. And he needs to be able to trust you to let him be himself.
Pre-happy birthday BTW! A lot of men really svck at that from what I can gather. B's husband never marked it in any way for the 22 years they were together. And men can be rather dense.
Do not expect him to read your mind He's out of practice on all this and from what I gather his prior marriage wasn't one that would have had the behaviours that you are expecting.
Though we adore men individually
We agree that as a group they're rather stupid!
G.....what's the rush????? Are you trying to lock him down and get married???? What do you want?????
Remember the both of you are on completely different D timelines.
Hang out, hook up and have fun!
All good insight. I usually do the asking because his schedule is set in stone, and mine can be pretty random. I also have about a million and one things I need to do, so I kind of do need a yes or a no and not wonder so I can plan my day as well.
It is clear he is an introvert and needs his recharging. No problem. I also get to that point like I can’t wait to chill on my couch watching my garbage TV without judgment tomorrow night. We are both free again, but no way am I going to ask him to hang again. However, I would probably say yes if he asked me to do something.
I basically follow his pace and his lead, but I’ve always followed others paces and leads, and mine is important too. I wouldn’t say he’s letting me in slower than I would like..... but I am a little frustrated I’ve spent time with his family and friends, and he hasn’t mine.
I don’t think I’m rushing anything. We hook up, have fun, hang out, etc. I am
Not trying to get married right now. But yes, my end goal is to be in a long term committed relationship with him. So it’s just some differences I notice in us and how we have to navigate things .
He’s coming tonight to actually put the air conditioners in and I am going to have a talk with him. Because it is ok to have relationship talks at this point. And it’s not an R talk. I’m just basically going to tell him I don’t want to always ask him to do something because I feel like I am pressuring him. I’ll let him know my availability. He can decide from there. With the exception of special occasions, he can ask me out . My birthday? Well, if he backs out of family dinner, I will be p!ssed. He knows I want to do something with him on the weekend. But I’m not going to set it up. We will see what happens .
I think we are coming a long way. He pees with door open now and he f@rted in front of me last night . I find these terms of endearment, lol.
We just have to feel each other’s comfort level out of time spent
Are you not already in a long term committed R with him? He shows no signs of ending things right? It's been 8 months or so correct?
What's missing? Something seems to be not jiving with you and I get the sense you feel like he is not all in. Not meeting your parents, concerns over your birthday, not being physical in front of his son, him not inviting you on the vacation, etc. etc.
Don - I have to respond to your last post on Gingers thread. A lot of men note that we get more upset or critical during certain times of our cycles. Yes that’s true. I know I do.
But maybe, when we are not ovulating we are looking at things MORE rationally, as we are not being influenced by hormones that want to perpetuate good feelings for more babies Maybe we are just seeing things with rose colored glasses during the other times of our cycles? Maybe that’s the time that we can accurately assess a man?
Indeed we are in a committed relationship. The goal is for long term. We have done the 3 H’s quite well and now are getting a little closer meshing lives a teeny bit more. Differences come up then. Things aren’t always so rosy. I think he’s all in. But at times we have differences we need to work through now that we are closer. He did actually invite me on that vacation. I couldn’t get the time off of work. But I think he is secretly kind of glad. And that’s ok. I brought that up because it's obvious he likes his alone time. Sometimes he does do things I am not totally cool with. And to speak to what juju said, sometimes those rose colored glasses come off . And more so with those hormones because we aren’t flying on cloud 9. Of course, duh, he should have said off the bat he was going to miss his lake meeting for my birthday with my family.
Just because some things bother me or there are things I might want differently doesn’t mean it isn’t working. Everything is manageable stuff with communication. And in the big picture, things are good. But there are things we have to navigate. Nothing is a red flag, just some differences. And I think we will both communicate and not be adored the other will just run away.
I tend to sacrifice myself for relationships , and it gets me nowhere and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m really trying to avoid that.
Still learning
He came over yesterday around 8. I was out picking us up sushi and when I came back, both AC’s were on and he was teaching my dog loose leash walking. Then we were looking at my yard and I had the wind actually pick up my shed and move it, exposing the weird stuff that was underneath it. His eyes light up and says “ we should really do something about that! Want to make a project out of it??? Then he figured out how to make sure my dog can’t get out of the yard ( little a hole has been escaping to the neighbors yard) and is going to do that for me. Definitely definitely an acts of service guy. And I think wanting to do a project together is a serious showing of love. He was much more cheerful and we were just laughing all night. When we were eating dinner he says to me “I have no plans this weekend” I said I had a barb question. He was poking around and I said “ you can definitely come with us if you want” he got happy and said he would like to join us. He did leave last night around 11:30. He admitted he wakes up more rested in his bed. I also wake up more rested when he’s in his bed, lol.
I mention what I did J, because it is an example of the things that happen when you move past the 3H’s. You’ll be there one day. I value our relationship immensely and I want to get past some differences in opinions the healthy way. The good thing is, I’ve never doubted our R or my love for him even when I wasn’t thrilled. This is my first “healthy” relationship. Just trying to keep it healthy!
Sounds good G....as long as you feel that he is invested. Keep on keeping on!!
I have an uncle like that. He can’t stand being around a lot of people. We once went hiking and literally saw 6 people in 4 hours and he said “see this is why I never go hiking on weekends anymore”. But he’s always looking to help fix things for his family. If I go there he will try to fix my car instead of socializing with everyone. It’s his way of saying he cares but can’t be around too many people. Funny thing is my aunt is super social but the arrangement works well because they get each other.
I like that I’m learning more about him and we are becoming closer. He is good in social situations and crowds, he just needs to recharge I’m learning. I invited him a few places this weekend he can’t make, but he’s going to take care of my dog when I’m away at my my BBQ. He is such a great guy overall. I do love him to bits. But a little more about me......
I’m pretty much a blonde! I’ve been transitioning from dark brown and I sat in a salon last night after work for over 3 hours. It looks great. It’s weird when I walk past a mirror. I love it though, it helps with the grays and my thin my hair sitch. It’s getting long again too.
I am doing Murph-the Memorial Day CrossFit workout in about an hour. I wasn’t going to do it, but they talked me into it. Please pray for me, lol.
And something that means a lot. We had our huddle at work yesterday and after our huddle, my boss pulled me and our other care manager aside. She told us that both of us plus our Social worker make the best team on the hardest floor. That we changed the culture of the floor and we mesh so well and changed our social worker ( she was not happy) until we came along. She just wanted to tell us we were doing a fantastic job. It meant a whole lot to hear. We bust our butts, but it’s not going unrecognized. We really al work wonderfully together and that makes for the best outcomes for our patients. It’s notoriously the most difficult floor in our whole hospital, but the nurses are great and switched over to a younger crowd, and we came in. We actually enjoy ourselves at work and are always laughing and always have each other’s back.
today I’m bringing D11 to the mall with a friend ( alsonpray for me) tomorrow a BBQ, and Monday to the pool. The weather is finally fantastic here. Have a great weekend everyone!
Minor dilemma.....
Because guys could be clueless sometimes, I had said Saturday was going to be beautiful and I would love a day date. He suggested kayaking and then going out to dinner for my birthday.
I had also told my friend maybe if she’s interested me and her husband ( our birthdays are 2 days apart) can go to winery. She got back to me and did ask her husband and they do want to go.
I dug myself a hole here. It’s a great opportunity to meet my friends ( he knows I’ve been wanting that) and still a lot of fun.
Am I going to upset him if I suggest we go to the winery since it is a time we could all get together and we can definitely go kayaking another day?
I’m so dumb. Ugh
I was afraid he wasn’t going to make it for his Sons call Saturday night so he opted no BBQ at my friends ( it was far away) my D11 has been sick and she didn’t want to go to the BBQ e because she was up at night crying from the sinus pressure. So I cancelled the BBQ and grilled at home. I invited him and he came for a few hours and set up gates in my yard so my dog could run free and I could just let him out. It’s pretty amazing . Always working on a project, that one. We will most likely get together tomorrow night. I took D11 and her friend to the mall on Saturday ( I am now broke) and her and her friend to the pool on Sunday. It’s kind of my ex to share his passes so that I can take D11. It’s an awesome pool and I look forward to enjoying some more time there . I think M and I are hanging out tomorrow.
Any advice on how to handle my stupid dilemma is appreciated
Well I believe on your birthday you should get to do and go wherever you want.
I know that it's still almost a week away but pivoting away from the choice that you already agreed to may be annoying to him. Especially if he's the sort like me who plans things out, makes reservations etc.
He'll survive no doubt - but it would cast a shadow.
Best to see if he's open to the "idea" of switching things up.
I can see both J9 and Andrew's sides on their responses. The logical and rational side of me agrees with J9 that it is your birthday so if you want to go to the winery with your friends you totally should. I would go one step further to say that if that does annoy M that would give me a little pause because it doesn't sound like there is some big elaborate kayak trip plan in the works that you all have been working on for months. You mentioned the weather, somewhat casually, and he responded with an idea that you agreed to. The real side of me, though, the side that is a HUGE planner and does not easily relinquish control when I have a plan in motion, sees Andrew's side. In fact, I have been in a similar situation to yours more than once that gave me some level of anxiety because I had plans and what someone else wanted to do didn't mesh. For future reference, what I have started doing with Sparky is if I have something specific in mind, I will say "how does x,y,z sound?" and then kind of let it be his choice though I gave him the idea. Or I'll just flat out ask if we could do such and such. In this case, if I were in your shoes, I would say, "hey M, I know we talked about kayaking this weekend, but I was talking to friend and we got to talking about this winery we'd like to go to and since her birthday is around the same time as mine, we thought it might be fun to do a double date there and celebrate our birthdays." Then, after that exchange, offer an alternative time for the kayak trip and that way he knows you are not totally blowing off his idea, but just moving it.
I'm like Andrew and I'm a planner, so honestly I would already have something planned for your birthday and there wouldn't be any question about it, so it would kind of hurt my feelings if the other person wanted to change things up. BUT, if M hasn't got anything set in stone, maybe a suggestion from you might ease his mind a bit....if that makes sense.
Hey G. I am a little concerned that you don't feel as if you could just ask him. If you really want to go with your friends..ask him if he would mind a change of plans. If you would rather go with him... ask your friends if they would mind.
I worry sometimes that you, after all this time with him, still feel a bit unsure.
While I would never tell you to say something that may hurt his feelings, I do think you should be able to discuss things with him without fear of losing him, ya know?
In my marriage, I had to walk on eggshells. It was what I knew how to do. Getting to a place where I can share my thoughts freely was difficult. And the truth is, that sometimes it still is. But I push thru it because it is so important.
I know you want to do things differently this time around...but be careful not to lose you in the process.
My guess is that he would be fine either way. We worry way more than we need to.
Love and miss you.
I worry sometimes that you, after all this time with him, still feel a bit unsure.
While I would never tell you to say something that may hurt his feelings, I do think you should be able to discuss things with him without fear of losing him, ya know?
BINGO
I totally agree with uR!
He is a guy - he should like whatever makes you happy!
He is a guy - he should like whatever makes you happy!
Huh???? What????? Perhaps this was sarcasm and I missed it? If not please explain why a guy should like whatever the woman wants or is made happy by?
He is a guy - he should like whatever makes you happy!
Huh???? What????? Perhaps this was sarcasm and I missed it? If not please explain why a guy should like whatever the woman wants or is made happy by?
Yeah its called being a NICE GUY.
Or happy wife = happy life.
Totally get what you are saying, Cadet, but I think Don also has a point. It shouldn't be ALL about the wife. I prefer the happy spouse, happy house method which absolutely requires open and honest communication. I appreciate when a man is a nice guy and wants to do nice things for me (and I'm lucky to have a man who does that), but I equally want to do nice things for him and be a nice woman.
G, I think that UR had a good point, too, that I had not thought of, but it made sense when I read her post to you. You do seem to still be unsure. I know you have said before that you are used to putting another's needs first in a relationship and it seems like you are staying with that tendency with M. It is ok to ask for what you want and discuss it with him. I'm not saying you have to lay down the law to him, so to speak, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with approaching him about a change of plans, especially since there has not really been any planning involved in the kayak trip. Now, if he had planned it all out and made reservations and paid deposits and that sort of thing, I would say suck it up and go kayaking and do the wine thing some other time, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Don't overthink it too much, G. M seems like a good guy and you all have a good thing going. I don't think one discussion about what to do to celebrate your birthday is going to make the wheels come off.
Yeah its called being a NICE GUY.
Or happy wife = happy life.
Or being a push-over, enabler, sap? I mean certainly within reason you should try to do what you can for everyone and want to make your partner happy. They say marriage - and certainly an R can fall into this - is one long, constant negotiation. Certainly saying "yes dear" might keep things happy... at least in the short term, but... "I'm going to buy some $1,000 earrings" yet there's not enough money in the bank to cover this months rent - just go along if it makes her happy? Or not working - it really makes her happy to not have to go to work everyday - well if it makes her happy?... go along with it.
I just don't see this as healthy. Maybe that's why I'm divorced, but I'd go crazy saying yes or going along with things I know are not good, or healthy.
On the other hand, this specific scenario is not unhealthy or anything close. Above all else, Ginger should not be afraid to bring it up for hear that HE won't be happy. It works both ways, doesn't it? Both the woman and the man should want to do things to make the other happy - not just the man keeping the woman happy. I think Ginger has done a lot of this in the past. COMPROMISE is most often the key - as someone said, perhaps you can plan a different paddling trip. For sure, you should not be hesitant to ask, and I think you are. Something to work on.
Don I agree with you, I have read the NG book too, and it works both ways like Dawn said.
But like you said in this case if I were him I would try to keep G happy.
So, it was something he came up with when I mentioned doing something. He has his own kayaks and we go ourselves, so nothing that has to be set up. And I can guarantee there are no dinner reservations. I’m going to ask him tonight if he would consider changing plans. We can kayak any day. Actually meeting up with my friends is really hard to coordinate. We have been dating 9 months and he has never met one of my friends or family members and I met a lot of his. I DO think he is more comfortable in his own element with his friends and family and is nervous about meeting mine. He did meet a coworker of mine. That’s it. You can stick me in any social situation and I am fine with it. He might not be. But regardless, it is really important to me.
To speak to making me happy. It’s not a Mr nice guy thing where he should just do whatever makes me happy. He knows I am one to go out of my way to do for him, it would be nice to think he would do the same for me. And he does his handy projects. It’s his comfort zone. He would want to make me happy because I want to make him happy and he knows this.
UR, you know me so well. I am still unsure. And I am walking on eggshells. And it’s not because of him, it’s because of me. My M is so long over but all I know is to walk on eggshells. And I am afraid I will never feel secure again. But that’s on me. I realize it’s a scar and known behaviors. And you are SO right. I want to change things this time around. But it’s like an irrational fear. I know I am a good girlfriend, and certainly not a perfect one. I am afraid my eggshell walking and wondering how commuted he is will probably sabotage the relationship if I stay like this. It’s an anxiety and a awful one. I can’t seem to believe someone would just want to be with me even if I have needs . I want to shake this so bad!
So, I’ll bring it up tonight. Because it’s honestly not that he will be upset I changed plans. It’s that he will want to back out of meeting my friends. And my friends are super important to me.
And I’m going to try to overcome that stupid social media fear. If we get a nice picture I’m going to post it. Social media shouldn’t be a big deal in our lives. But I don’t post due to fear ( and I really don’t take very many pictures these days. I actually hate the camera.
I want things to be different. I have to tell myself this is indeed different than all my other relationships.
I did everything my exh wanted me to do. Never said no..always agreed with doing what he wanted and how he wanted things done...and I lost me. I became so small I was invisible. I think in a healthy relationship, there should be give and take.
Now I happen to be very easy going and I am up for most things...but if there is something I really don't want to do...I am not going to do it just to make R happy.. He wouldn't want that from me or for me.
The goal isnt to make someone happy anyway. That has to come from within them. I would like to think I enhance his life. Having to be responsible for his happiness is way too big a burden and gives him all the power.
G, I always tell you straight. I would like to think I have completely overcome the whole people pleaser thing in a relationship. I like to think that I always speak my mind, but the truth is...I haven't and I don't all the time. But it is always the goal...because I know somewhere deep inside that it is important. I also know that if things were to fall apart with R...I would be really sad...but I would be ok.
About M...he is an adult.. and while it is admirable for you to see him for who he is and how he shows love and his comfort zone and all of that... it is also time for him to step up. He needs to meet your family and friends. Sorry if it is uncomfortable for him....but he has to put on his big boy pants now. You keep giving him an out, and that isn't good for the relationship.
My truth is that I will probably never be 100% secure in my relationship because of my past. That's just the way it is for me. And its ok because as I said, I will survive a breakup. With that mindset, I continue to work thru the things I need to in order for the relationship to continue to grow.
M knows you walk on eggshells on some things. You know that,right? It may not be a conscious thought but he feels it.
Just keep remembering that being like that didn't serve you in the past and that you are worthy and you matter.
Wow, uR - very, very well written comments! Ginger, you are equally impressive in seeing things pretty clearly and not only figuring out, but admitting to yourself what you are doing - and why. Something tells me your fear of getting an answer (to what M really thinks) is the driving factor. Step back for a second and think about what you'd tell me or any of us if we had been dating someone for 9 months, even done some vacation type stuff with them - yet they've not met my friends or family nor had a picture posted of us together on social media. Nine months???? That's pretty odd. I guess just going along in daily life and not thinking about it or trying, how does he not meet some of these people just by happenstance, or a pictures or posts get done in the same way? I mean... that just sort of happens, doesn't it?
I then wonder if the "excuse" for him not meeting friends/family or pictures/posts is his introverteness and shyness when the real fear that the real reason is he doesn't want to take that step - and that would really hurt you. It's easier to "understand" that well it's "just how he is" or it's just that he's shy and such. That's easier, but, meeting friends means this is a real R, etc. is more. You said something a week or two ago about wanting this to become a real R and I didn't understand what you meant - I think I now do. A real R, means meeting friends, etc.
This same thing sort of fits with the fact that he won't touch you in front of his son. Again, the "excuse" or reason is, it's because of his son. The fear is that the real reason is more about him and an R rather than his son. He's struggling with going all in with you it would seem. Now at 9 months, that's perhaps okay. I'd likely be in the same place, and it would not mean I was not invested or didn't love the other person. However, they'd certainly would have met family and friends by now and been seen with me in at least some social media. That typically starts to happen around the 2 or 3 month mark - maybe 4 or 5 but certainly by then.
It's okay to ask for what is important to you. That doesn't mean you'll get it all - nor should you. But you should never be hesitant to ask for it. Perhaps it's just time to start doing it! Perhaps the next time you plan to go out to dinner or hear a band or drinks or whatever, just say, My friend X and her husband are going to join us or are going to meet us there. It doesn't have to be some big deal. Same with social media - just post something just as you would with a girlfriend or group. I can't see why at all that would be a problem at this point - and if it is, that's something to look at.
UR, we seriously are the same people. We lived our marriages the same exact way, may mine have been much much shorter. Im also a people pleaser and I will pretty much go along with anything because I’m easy going and have doing whatever. M has introduced me to fun new things. I always wanted to kayak and fish, and my ex just said it was “boring” well, I ended up loving it!!!
I do believe he loves me and he is all in. I do. My anxiety gets the best of me. I said something to him the other day asking him if he didn’t want his son to know we were together because of his ex and he said he does want his son to know. But wants him to see a loving healthy relationship develop and let him see it for his own eyes. We are doing something all together next Friday. We will see how he acts.
I think he’s all in because I have done holidays with his family. Met his friends. I also told him he better not back out Monday for my birthday dinner with my parents, lol. And he said there is no way he would.
He came over last night and was asleep by 7. So not much talking. But this morning I asked and he is all for it. Said we should Uber it. Same place you brought R to, UR! Truffle fries, lobster rolls, wine and cider!
I need to chill the F out and not let my past define me. I can’t believe how hard it is sometimes
Stay tuned for a picture this weekend......
That place was a lot of fun! Glad he was open to it.
G..we do what we know. It's our comfort zone even if we know it is not in our best interests. It is something I have to work on everyday. It comes easier now...this not always doing whatever everyone wants if it isn't what I want. But I can easily fall back into who I was.
R calls me out on it sometimes. LOL.
I get it, though...because of your past relationships, you are fearful of this ending. But that isn't really a way to navigate through a relationship, ya know?
It's a process..this. Dont be too hard on yourself.
Remember who you are, what you have survived, what you have accomplished...and your brains, sense of humor, kindness and beauty inside and out.
There is nothing more attractive than someone who knows their worth and what they bring to the table.
We had our day out with meet the friends. A few couples came and one just happened to be there I didn’t know that was friends of friends, yet that guy actually knew M. They work in the same hospital. Small world . One couple brought their 2 young girls and one just LOVED M. She cuddled up on his lap and just laid there. Everything went great and he told me he had a lot of fun. We went to dinner together on the way back, and also stopped to check out an air show going on.
Observations: he studies people hardcore and said a few things, nothing mean or too Judgy at all, but this guy analyzes. He’s good in social situations and eases right in like I do, which is good. Everyone seemed to like him and approve of him. I’m so glad we did it.
It’s a beautiful day here and it’s my 3 day birthday weekend. He left 2 hours ago...... it’s Sunday, and we know sundays aren’t for me! Honestly, I hate it. I wish we could have gone to the beach or kayaking today, but he is yet again working on his truck and putting new lights in. I don’t know that I’m cool with never spending a Sunday together . I wish he want to. ( he did in the beginning) I guess some sort of compromise might have to come somewhere along the lines. But it does stink for me. I understand he spent all day yesterday with me and he’s doing the birthday dinner thing with the fam tomorrow night and I can’t monopolize it all.
Anyways, I’m not wasting this day. Might not be doing exactly what I want, but the ex is giving me a pool tag and I’m going to go buy myself a new book, and bring it to the pool and enjoy my own company. And my cousin is taking me to dinner tonight.
Oh, and we never took a picture . So nothing to post. Neither of us are picture takers. More live in the moment people. Maybe tomorrow
And funny story about my ex and his wifey. My ex was hurt at work and he will be out u til July. He has to be home during the hours of 9-4:30pm. His wife works from home sometimes. He said it was too painful to sit in the folding chairs so he didn’t make it to D11’s spring concert. It was my friend and I and we sat behind the wifey and his mom. She’s javbering on about what a pain in the butt my ex is and how it’s driving her crazy having him here. All i could do is laugh. I said “yeah, I know it all too well” then she starts complaining about my ex sister in law . She uses grandma to babysit all the time and doesn’t share grandma. She said you know “exit gets what she wants when she wants” which was actually an issue in our marriage because he treated his sister more like a wife than me. Anything she wanted she got, and me? I was just a pain in the butt.
I have to admit, I felt slightly vindicated there. But not my problem anymore!
Oh, and sad thing is, D11 did say to me that everyone uses grandma and no one is ever nice to her and she thinks it’s so wrong. At least she knows right from wrong.
Currently sitting by myself at the pool. Still do hate the off-limit Sunday’s but hey,I’ll entertain myself!
Happy birthday Ginger!
I’m glad your having a good weekend and I get your feelings that go along with the time/spaces issues.
I have a theory that. selfish husbands that leave their wives come from enabler/codependent Moms (and often dads with problems the moms put up with) I would love to know what the moms are like of all the walkaway husbands. I’m just hearing it so much!
Thanks juju! My cousin took me out for dinner tonight which was nice. I made a nice day out of today. But I just couldn’t help feeling like I wanted to spend such a beautiful day ( at least part of it) with M it stinks. I haven’t even heard from him since 3pm.
My ex’s mom is a doll. She’s a late -life schizophrenic but is just fine now that she is finally properly medicated and monitored. She has a heart of gold, was an extremely loving and involved mom. But treated like complete poop by their dad. He cheated and cheated often. He didn’t even marry the mom until they were pregnant with their third child ( my ex) she is a people pleaser and doesn’t say no and doesn’t defend herself against the abuse her own children hands out to her. The daughter she helps so much is very mean and disrespectful to her and she does t say a word. You would hope my ex would want to treat women better than his mom was treated, but nope, he followed more in his mom’s footsteps . All the kids are mean people .
It’s a shame.
I bought the book men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The only self help book I ever read was divorce busting. I realize I really don’t know how to do a healthy relationship. I want to nurture this one. I want to be a better communicator. I don’t want to hold stuff in anymore To keep the peace. I want my needs understood and I want to understand his.
I just don’t know how to relationship it turns out. Sometimes I’m so happy, then days like today I feel kind of angry. Y cousin was asking what we were looking at for the future, I.e moving in, marriage... are we on the same page? I honestly don’t even know. I need to drop my fears and discuss stuff. Because when you ignore your own needs you become resentful and that is not healthy
Happy Birthday! I am glad to read that your cousin took you out for dinner. I'm sorry M wasn't around yesterday.
Happy birthday G!! So yesterday was your birthday and M didnt spend any time with you?
I thought Monday was your birthday (I just didn’t think I would have time to post today)
Yup. I’m finding that when the sons see mom as having no boundaries or giving too much - they end up leaving their wives. I don’t know the psychology behind it. Maybe they see their wives have boundaries and don’t like to be called out on their bad behavior (my ex)? But I hear this a lot.
I think a person that puts up with cheating or addiction is an enabler and codependent. They enable bad behavior instead of putting a stop to it. They put the other person ahead of themeselves. My ex MIL worked full time, had an immaculate home, and took care of son. I remember, she would put all this work into dinner and Her husband would just leave the dinner table when he was done to watch tv and then she would go serve him dessert downstairs . (He has left her for other woman when her son was little and the common joke was how he was out fishing while she was giving birth). She excused all this because he came from a broken home and didn’t know anything else and she always felt bad for him. She was Always doing things for everyone else and I think it’s because she wanted them to love her. I don’t necessarily think this is a heart of gold trait. More like a way to control trait. It’s very dysfunctional.
I think you communicated well with M. You did voice your desire for time on Sundays and he voiced his needs for Space. I think you weighed the other pros and felt like this was something you were willing to concede on ? If so, let it go. Do things on that date that make you feel great. Friends/nails/ a massage/ exercise.
But just observe if he’s willing to concede on other issues. Is it always you that is compromising? Or does he compromise as well? This takes time and a bit of standing back to see.
The key thing here is the introvert/extrovert thing. You need to stop seeing this as a rejection and start making social plans for yourself on Sundays to get your needs met too.
You DO have a tendency to interpret too many things as a personal rejection, but you know that already.
I was a little upset because he didn’t say happy birthday to me this morning. I had to pretty much point it out. So I decided to be open and tell him that it may be dorky, but I actually like my birthday and I feel like it’s the one day a year it’s about me and it’s important to me. I said this year is extra special because I am in a relationship with someone I love and it’s been forever since that has happened. He said he understood and he is the opposite because he is not a birthday person. I told him I figured as much so I figured I should just be open and honest.
He got me 2 very special birthday presents.
Ones that indicAted he was listening. We were looking at this artist who made glass jewelry and I told him how much I liked it. And I also told him my favorite stone was opal. He got me a necklace from that artist and opal earrings. Plus beautiful flowers. And a very nice card in which he wrote he hopes he gets to spend many more birthdays with with me.
I do believe he loves me. Absolutely. I just think he expresses it in the ways he knows. I am going to try to be open and honest, but gentle to guide him.
He met the fam tonight! My dad sure can talk and tell stories and he listened so patiently. And it was actually very nice to hear my dad bragging on me to him. I think he is in this for the long run. And we may be 9 months in, but we still learn stuff about each other .
Also, even just around my daughter who knows all about us, he wouldn’t hug or kiss me. Today, he had no problem with it.
This stuff is hard to navigate. But I will keep on trying. Because I know I love him and he loves me
Happy belated birthday! Sounds like you had a pretty good one. My heart really goes out to you on some of your most recent posts related to M because I do believe that you both love each other, but I also think that there are still some things that y'all have to learn to navigate as a team. I totally understand your side of the deal because I have a similar situation. I think you need to just learn to have more confidence in yourself and the person you are and what you bring to the table in your relationship. You are a strong, confident, kick-a$$ woman, but your past relationships have left you with this uncertainty about relationships as a whole. Though M doesn't necessarily speak your love language, the language he is speaking speaks volumes at least from the outside looking in. He does nice things for you all the time and then he bought you a lovely birthday gift that showed that he does, in fact, listen and pay attention to your desires. I wish there was a way that we could help you realize that his need for downtime on Sunday really has nothing to do with you. I think you know that intellectually, but emotionally you have a difficult time with it and see it as a slight when it honestly has absolutely nothing to do with you. You said something a few posts back and you called Sunday "off limits" and I felt so bad for you when I read that because it made me realize how much you internalize what he's doing and saying, when it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Someone (maybe kml) said that you should use that time to do things for yourself: hang out with friends, have a mani/pedi, do something fun with D11. There are so many things that you could do while he's having his "me" time, but whatever you do, please do NOT think that his need for me time is about NOT wanting time with you. As an introvert, he needs that time to recharge. I get it and I know it is hard for people to understand and not take personally.
You've got a good thing going with M, G, so just relax and enjoy it. And, by all means, keep learning about each other and having fun and talking about stuff. Communication is absolutely key to a successful relationship.
Thanks, dawn! We really do love each other. And I think we are both learning how to love again. I know it seems as if I take his not wanting to spend sundays with me as a personal attack. I really don’t. I just hate it. Because even though he has his recharge needs as an introvert, I have my needs where I don’t see him much at all and would like to see him on a Sunday. So we will have to compromise on this one. There is a need from both of us in this witch, and I don’t think only his should get served. But I do have plenty to do on my own. I took up reading again, sat by the pool and got tan, then had dinner with cousin. I also have endless cleaning and yard work, yoga or cycling classes to take, etc. no lack of filling my time independently. I just want to have more us time together.
I didn’t ask him to do anything yet on our normal Wednesday, but I thought I would wait to see if he initiated. We are doing an activity with the kids on Friday.
My dad called to tell me he really likes him. He said he is the polar opposite of my ex and that’s a big reason why he really likes him, lol. He said D11 came and whispered in his ear to ask if he liked him. She was glad he did, because she does too.
We do have a good thing going. We are both learning to communicate our needs and learning how to meet them.
9 months in and we’ve done the kids friends and family meetings. We will have a “family” vacation together. I am honestly nowhere near moving in together yet. But I do hope for it one day. Time will tell but I’m certainly in no rush
I'm so glad that things are going well for you Ginger. I totally agree when you say that this may be the first healthy, well you say real, I say healthy, R you've been in. I think that's the case. I think it's going well but I fear you are perhaps wanting more than he can give. Or is it you want a healthy amount of time together and he wants less? I see so much of myself in him - at least myself 20 years ago. I had met my ex and I swear if she could have spent every waking minute with me she would have. Maybe that's the healthy thing and it's me that could not do it - I just don't think so. I just remember thinking that rather than her enjoying and focusing on the time we did spend together, she focused on the time we didn't. Then I read some of the things you write:
I was a little upset because he didn’t say happy birthday to me this morning. I had to pretty much point it out.
I haven’t even heard from him since 3pm. (said 5 hours later)
I didn’t ask him to do anything yet on our normal Wednesday, but I thought I would wait to see if he initiated. We are doing an activity with the kids on Friday.
I also remember reading how you guys spent a bunch of time together doing all sorts of things, meeting people, kayaking, seeing an air show, yet it still was not enough. It seems like you get something in your head that he is supposed to be doing. like didn't say happy birthday first thing. Didn't call or text for, gasp, five whole hours. How much would be enough? If you seem him on Wednesday, hang out Friday, sees you all day Sunday, sleeps over (I'm assuming) but then didn't stay Sunday so rather than focus on the fact that you were together more often than not for nearly 4 days straight, that's not enough, he needs to give you all of Sunday as well - or you're seeing him this Friday but he needs to see you Wednesday as well. What's that about? How much time would you want to spend with him if nothing else got in the way - every day? 5 times a week? 2 or 3?
I'm glad you are reading the John Gray Mars & Venus book. I think it might really help you to understand men - especially men like M. I just don't want to see you scare or chase him away by focusing on what you're not getting rather than on what you are. I also don't want to see you remain silent about things that really bother you - I'm just not sure if some of these things should bother you and if they do, why? That's the guy's perspective - at least this guy's but something tells me M may see it much like I do.
Something tells me that M is paying for all of these other guys that didn't pay as much attention to you as you hoped for. Am I making sense in all of this? I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm just saying I can totally see M's side and if I'm correct about it all, it has zero to do with how he feels about YOU and all to do with who HE is.
Sorry don, this one you got wrong.
We see each other Wednesday night and one weekend night. He will sleep over but leave early after coffee.
I am seeing him Friday, yes. On kid time. And I work and it’s Father’s Day on our next non kid weekend. So that’s shot.
We see each other twice a week. And yes. That isn’t enough for me. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am allowed to feel that way. Quality time is my LL and 2 days a week is not how I want a LTR. Why is his need for less tome ok, but my need for more time is not?
And , he did say we didn’t get to spend much time together. And of course, in the beginning he wanted to spend as much time as he could.
We might just have a problem is we can’t jive on time spent. And I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. And I’m not looking for him to concede to me, just compromise with me. And yes, I would want 3-4 days a week, depending on kid/non-kid situation and commitments etc. that’s what I would like. And I am surely willing to compromise .
And no. M is absolutely not “paying” for attention that other guys didn’t give me. That’s kind of insulting. I am not asking for “attention” I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. And well, if that makes me a selfish girlfriend, I don’t even know what to say.
Girl you're just not understanding what it's like for introverts. With planning, you can get your extrovert needs met on Sundays by planning fun stuff with your friends. But if he gives up his Sundays to you, where does he get his introvert needs met?
Yes, you should speak up about your needs. But the reality of being two single parents still early in a relationship are that two days a week together is probably doing pretty good. Be patient.
I'm not sure what I've got wrong, although I am frustrated with my lack of ability to communicate as well as I used to be able to and expect myself to. So I may not be as clear about some things as I hoped I was. For sure I'm not saying you are selfish. I'm also not saying you should not voice your needs, etc. I'm really on your side here and I don't think you are being unreasonable per say.
What I guess jumps out at me is your comment that your love language is quality time. From all you have said, it appears you are very happy with the quality of time the two of you spend together. I don't think you've ever had a complaint about the quality. In some ways it seems like you guys have an amazing time together. But the LL is QUALITY time where your complain is the QUANTITY of time. That's very different. There is no love language called Quantity time, though certainly it is a valid factor. But, from what I can see, and all you have told us, you are getting your QUALITY TIME LL met - you just want more of it - at least double of it. I'm not even saying that is wrong to want but what I am saying is M might not be able to give it to you - at least not right now - and not double what he is doing.
It's also interesting that you say early on he wanted to spend as much time as he could. Do you sense that has changed? It almost seems like it has? If so I think that fits with not showing effect ion in front of the kids, wanting to his lake meetings and alone time, even going on vacation himself, etc. This may be who he is - or it may be more.
All I can do is try to give you my perspective and put myself in M's shoes. And from that viewpoint, I know if pushed for double the time, when I'm clearly showing I can't, won't or would rather not, pushing won't make it better. That doesn't mean you should not express your feelings. However, many of us here seem to get very hung up on DBing being all about the "Last Resort" technique, since most of us here had to use it. However, there is so much more to the book including doing what works and stopping what does not. From my perspective the way to get M to want more might be doing just what KML says - doing things on your own. I don't think pushing him or getting upset and starting to resent him for his quantity of time will help you. I know if it were me and someone I was dating started wanting 4 days a week... wow, with a young child, somewhat still new out of D, an ex W still causing all sorts of grief, my other interests and my introverted side (yes I have one) it might not end well. I was in this exact sitch and it was always a source of conflict. Even worse, at least from my perspective, when she got the 4 days, that still wasn't enough - she always still wanted more. I'm not saying this is you, but let's at least not rule it out. Just try to remember you are getting quality time - for your LL. So why does is still not feel right?
I think you've got a good guy here. I also think that if you give him time he will come around more and want to be with you more, I really do. I just don't think he is there yet and by all that you have relayed to us, I think you sense this as well. I just don't at all think it means he's not invested and doesn't want to continue with you. I just think his pace is different and his needs are different. Is this a deal breaker for you? Because again, what you want is not unreasonable, that's not my point at all. What you want is not off the charts. It just may not be what he can give - at least not yet. I really hope that makes more sense.
From there I guess all I can do is just echo and reinforce what KML said:
Yes, you should speak up about your needs. But the reality of being two single parents still early in a relationship are that two days a week together is probably doing pretty good. Be patient.
You also don't want to lose things with family, friends with D11. As busy as you are, a new homeowner with lots of work to do, etc. two days a week might not really be that bad. Fill in the other days with everyone else in your life and see if M doesn't start missing you more.
All I’m saying is that I understand he has his needs in the relationship and I have mine. And I don’t think one persons needs are more important to the other. his introvert needs can be served and my need with time with him both can be served.
Truth, my needs in a relationship have been irrelevant in every other relationship. I don’t want that to happen again. I am done with that. I am not going to demand I get what I want either because that’s not me. I think there are ways to compromise and I’m sure we will find them .
I do have a great guy. And he has a great woman. We love and appreciate each other and I’m sure we will find common ground by equally expressing our needs and coming up with a compromise
I took a big step. I posted a picture of us to my IG story. I didn’t want to because I look so fat, but at least disappears in 24 hours. He immediately reacted to my IG story with heart eyes emojis. I guess that’s a good thing.
We are not spending our usual Wednesday night together. Long story I don’t want to get into. But at least I was able to do that.
Nice G....if it is any consequence I don't follow the DR on FB or IG.
We’ve been following each other since we were dating for 2 weeks. His initiation. We just never posted anything of each other. We don’t really have any pictures of each other . We took like 2 selfies. My stepmother took this picture, she asked us to take one. He only posts pictures of him and his son. I did add one of him and his son on my story when we went away together. I imagine we will have more when we are on vacation. I pretty much hate pictures of myself right now, so a part of this was getting over myself and the way I look.
Speaking of social media, I found out the husband of someone I went to high school with died suddenly of cardiac arrest last night. They just announced the pregnancy of their 3rd child. They have 2 little boys already and custody of 2 of his 3 kids from his first marriage. I saw her a few years ago when we did a mini get together of people from high school. It is absolutely heart breaking, I can’t even begin to imagine. She’s a SAHM too. Life can truly change in the blink of an eye
Wow that's tragic.
As for you - how about you start going out dancing on nights when M isn't available? Only half kidding. If you are out having fun with other people every time he's unavailable at least you'll be getting your extrovert needs met, and beat case scenario, he might start making more effort.
Dancing isn’t quite my thing, lol. But honestly, I had 11 free years before M came along. My daughter is out more often now, so I have a little extra free time. I have endless cleaning to do, I go to the gym, I see friends when I can. I occupy my time. I also do need my recharge time too. Last night I was in my PJ’s as soon as I got home and I lazed around the house and read my book and watched my 600lbs life. I can fill my time too. I don’t depend on him to keep my time occupied. I simply want to spend time with him.
G I think as long as you feel like he is making time for you, initiates and is an active participant that is what's most important. That you feel it is more than one sided with you not always being the initiator.
I also think it is perfectly normal to want to spend more time with your partner. I would just ensure there is give and take or compromise.
Hmmmmm. When it’s an event, he will initiate I.e: movie night tomorrow night at the lake, the concert we are going to in a few weeks, that kind of stuff. I initiate more of our Wednesday night and random stuff.
I would like a little more free initiation of time spent together that doesn’t have a definitive plan.
He was very very sweet to me this morning . I’ll see him tomorrow night with the kids. Let’s see if he maybe comes a little closer.
If M wanted to spend every day with you, every moment of his free time, and he was around you all the time would you feel the same way? Do you think that would kill some of your attraction for him?
I dated a guy who wanted to spend every day and every moment with me. It’s too much. And I don’t want to spend every moment of every day with with M. I have hobbies, friends, etc. even if we lived together, we wouldn’t do that. We both have hobbies we don’t share.
Which is why I don’t want to spend every moment with him either. Just a little more than 1-2 days a week:)
I think when you get together as adults with established lives, hobbies, commitments, etc, spending every waking moment together isn’t so attractive anymore, let alone possible .
I am fairly certain I have said this before (sorry, I'm old and I repeat my stories
), but communication is the key. You should absolutely feel comfortable making your needs known as should he. And you both have to work together to make sure you are meeting the other's needs. It shouldn't be all about him and his needs or all about you and yours, which you are aware of. It can be hard to be open and vulnerable sometimes, but communication does require that. Continue to ask for what you need and work towards a compromise with him when necessary. As you continue to learn and grow with each other, y'all will find your rhythm, so to speak.
We had some deep vulnerable discussions yesterday. Finally laid some stuff on the table. I think it went over all well, but some parts I wasn’t all too happy about.
Him questioning if in a decision I was making was putting my daughter first. He thought I was putting him first and not my daughter I let him know that was NOT ok. And I let him know as much. That’s a hot button topic for me. Long story short, he did apologize and told me the roller coaster between trying to parent with his ex and loving me the way he does is hard to jump from track to track.
Time spent came up. I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat and he said no. It triggered the convo. His response i was like “come on dude” if he sets his mind to rest or sleep, he cannot interject last minute plans. Between work, his kid, his daughter, me and his hobbies he can get exhausted. It’s called life. I told him he was more apt to see me or pursue in the first few months and he he agreed. But one day he was tired the next day before he had his son and he wasn’t able to give it his all. Because they pretty much never have normal tome together. It’s always a teiathon of events. He needs all this energy and rest to be a perfect parent.
Some of it I truly did roll my eyes at. Grabbing dinner with your girl last minute is a no-go because you had your mind set on resting? He also puts so much energy into being such a perfect over the top parent,
I really don’t agree with it all and some of it made me feel like you do certain things for those you love and you put your girl ahead of your 13 hours of sleep or tinkering with your truck once in a blue moon.
He told me he is in this in the long run but to not burn it out it needs to be a sustainable pace. Still, it’s not even near low we see each other all the tome.
So, no last minutes dates. No sundays. Must be 100%well and perfectly for a day with the kid. I wonder if he realizes that most parents aren’t perfectly rested having marathon fun times with their kids. But he’s going to do things the way he wants.
I’m going to sit with all this and see how I feel about it. I don’t know if I can be at the bottom of someone’s priority list again where they can’t flexible with me sometimes.
This is tough stuff to navigate. I just feel like I have to Hear him, but he’s not hearing me.
We have our movie night tonight. Hopefully it all goes well. I am sure it will
He has a young son and you’re daughter is older. There is also a huge difference between having custody 50% of the time and 80 % of the time. You very insightfully noted the differences in an older post. I think it’s important for both of you to recognize the differences and respect each other’s parenting decisions and philosophies. They might not work for you or for your situations but being able to look at them without questioning and critiquing (like m was) or eye rolling (you) is going to be necessary for the long term or it’s gonna be sensed and resentment kicks in.
Also, I think a lot of women feel deceived - I know I do- when a guy spends a lot of time and gives a lot of attention in the beginning and then once you settle down and they have no more competition from other guys, things suddenly change. It’s like false advertising. But seems to be really common.
Sorry for all the phone typos and autocorrects.
Really, I hear him on some things . I surely validated and I’m pretty much going according to his needs. I am going to make sure they work for me too. I know it’s tough for him feeling like he has to prove himself as a perfect parent all the time. Parenting is hot button issues for both of us I think. Anyone questions me not putting my kid first, I’ll put you right in place. And he has a need to be a perfect parent . And I am imperfect. We do appreciate we live very different lives with our kids.
What it boils down to, if I want to stay in this R ( which I do) , I’ve got to live with being able to see him once or twice a month, certain days off limits and no last minute plans. No grabbing a bite with my guy when there is tome.
And my friends had called me after he turned me down and the 3 of us were actually free and we grabbed dinner .
We just live different lives I guess. I have been used to running on empty for years and it’s my norm. We discussed that too.
Oh well, we will see what the future brings
Sorry G.....differences will come up no doubt. Do you feel that he is vested and that the both of you are working together to make things better, get on the same page and work through the challenges? I think that is most important that you feel like he is a partner.
I totally agree with what J9 said. You need to feel like he's a true partner and that y'all are in it together, working together to have the best relationship that you can. You say you are listening/hearing him, but that you are pretty much going according to his needs. You have different needs and like J9 said, that happens. It happens because y'all are not the same person and differences are not necessarily a bad thing. What IS a bad thing, though, is when one's needs become more important than the others. He seems like a good guy and I'm not advocating that you ditch him, but I am advocating taking a serious, hard look at whether this is sustainable for you or if it will continue to bother you until it slowly starts to breed resentment and you grow to be angry and hurt that you can't grab and unplanned bite at the last minute or have time on Sunday or whatever.
The parenting thing adds a whole other dimension as well. He has one style and you have a different style. Is there a way to see each other's view here or are you both pretty much doing your own thing? I mean, yes, y'all are in a committed relationship, but you are not parenting together yet, so can you see yourself parenting with him? Can you see him in a parental role with your D? There is a lot of talk on these boards about step-parenting and maybe I have a different mindset on it since I have only ever been a step-parent and never a biological parent but there is lots of stuff to navigate that y'all would have to work together on if you were married. Can you see yourself getting there or will you always look at it as though he has to be a perfect parent? I am not sure why he thinks he has to be perfect or if he can sustain that for a long period because there is NOTHING about parenting that is perfect, but I guess he will have to find that out for himself.
I'm rooting for you and M because he seems like a nice, normal, decent guy based on the things you say. You seem to really care for him and I think he really cares for you too, again based on what you tell us, but you'll have to decide if the differences are things you can live with. I urge you to NOT settle. If your needs aren't being met, keep telling him that until he HEARS you. He may be listening, but is he hearing what you are saying? Hang in there, G, and try to have a good, fun, relaxing weekend.
My heart goes out to you cause this is what I went through with my ex husband (m is not like my ex - just this was our main issue cause my LL is also time spent). With my ex, I found hobbies - but I always felt lonely. Even before my son was born. I remember taking an Israeli combat fighting class after work with all these hot guys and going home and still waiting for my ex husband to show up. In hind site I wish I had not been such a devoted puppy to my ex cause look what it got me. I felt so disconnected, I would fantasize about other guys a lot. That should have been a sign.
When my son was born My parents would question, why was I calling them up to go places with instead of going out with my husband.
If you think this is gonna be a problem nip it in the bud cause it’s not a fun way to live.
You know, it also sounds like he just doesn't do "spontaneous ". CMM is a bit like that, it rattles him if I come up with a sudden change of plans or a spontaneous visit from a friend. Some people are like that, they're like a slow-moving oil tanker and they need a lot of advanced warning to change directions.
Is it possible, too, that he's not that sexually motivated? Seems to me that a young healthy man might normally be trying to see you more than twice a week just to -well - have sex more than twice a week. Do you find yourself initiating that too?
Do you have a clear idea of what would be satisfactory to you? You want every Wednesday night and Friday night through Sunday a.m. Every other weekend (the no kids weekend) with some kids-involved activity the weekend you have kids?
Can you plan a regular Sunday SOCIAL activity with girlfriends to get you extrovert needs met? If you're doing things alone you're pisssd he's not there, but what if that was Bunco night with your girlfriends?
You really pointed out what’s on my mind and what my concerns are. Dawn, we really do love each other and insure hope we make it. But we aren’t going to make it by me bottling up feelings or just doing what makes him feel happy. I want to work together to find a balance. I heard him, I’m going to hope that when he seems me respect his desires, maybe he will be more apt to come around and want to do the same for me.
As far as parenting, we parent 2 different creatures under two different situations . I don’t know how much of a conflict that would be while stepparebting. The way I would approach it is respecting how he does it and be the same towards his son. I would hope he could do the same with me.
KML, you brought up a point that I discussed with my friend. I felt less than desirable because he pretty said if I set my mind to go to bed early or tinker with my truck, I can’t change my mind into doing something different like seeing you. And here I am, like WTF? You would think any guy would drop his 8pm bedtime to go have sex with his GF he doesn’t see all that much. Him telling me this makes me feel less than desirable. It’s not like he has to cross mountain to do it either. We live 15 min from each other. I would drop an early bedtime to just cuddle with him. Our sex life is very good. It’ll be twice when we see each other and he certainly initiates but I don’t feel all that desirable when he chooses his mindset ( which isn’t big huge plans, it’s sleep) over having sex with me. He has zero ED problems. Those sundays, he literally turned down steak and BJ’s . Who does that?!?
It’s not a matter of meeting my extrovert needs. I need recharge time too. I do well on my own. It’s more about time with him than time with just anyone. For 2 people who don’t get much time together, seeing a perfectly beautiful Sunday totally spent a part kills me. And I’m not saying spend the whole day with me. Come and chill on my deck while I grill us some dinner. Then let’s have sex! Feel free to go home to sleep too.
And I’ll tell you the truth. Sunday is notoriously family day. My friends are busy with their families. My two backyard neighbors who I know very well ( D11’s Bff) and her other schoolmates) both have pools, and I can see and here them grilling family dinner and play in the pool on a nice Sunday. It would be nice if the guy who sees me for someone as someone for the long run would find it JOYFUL to do so with me, instead of an inconvenience. I just don’t understand what he’s planning for the future here. Am i a side coponent, or am I going to be an actual part of it as a partner?
We had our movie night and when we showed up how son came running up to us all excitedly. He and D11 went off to play in the sand. M didn’t avoid me like the plague, but no hug or kiss hello. He would get close, but no touching. And we needed up sitting completely apart the whole movie. He did p!ss me off once because he butted in my parenting again. But I think he was just trying to play good cop and get D11 on his side which was fine. When we left we just went to our separate cars. Again, no real goodbye . Then surprised me after he buckled his son in the car, he walked over to mine and gave me kisses and hugs. Son out of sight of course, unless he saw through the window. Getting there I guess.
This is hard. His heart and soul are pure. I think if we can work together this will continue to grow and blossom and last a long long time.
Good morning Ginger.
One advantage of taking things slower than I have is that you have had the opportunity to learn more about how each other "is" on a day to day basis. M is certainly one of the best catches that you've had from the limited outside view that we have but certainly flawed. You are also quite the catch but also flawed in your own way. We all are.
I like to believe that given time that people will indeed show you who they are through their consistent actions. I expect that the M you are seeing is the person that he is. Devoted to the idea of being a perfect father to his son. An introvert who prioritizes his own time and hobbies over catering to his GF's wants and needs.
How much of this is the cause of a dysfunctional former marriage is open to debate. More importantly I would presume that he's not changing at this point.
Looking deep in to my cracked crystal ball, I can see this being a consistent relationship pattern for some time to come. You both have your own houses and lives. He's not big in to the whole PDA thing especially around his son. You two are doing the "living together apart" that many like and from M's side of the fence it's probably working for him even if it does take a fair bit of effort - and yes - I know you'll disagree with that last bit.
You want more. Much more. I get that. Perhaps he does too. I can't know. I could also be completely wrong here.
You also know better than most what sort of guys are out there in the dating pool. You got a good one. Not a perfect match certainly. But you need to decide - is he good enough. This may taste like a 2x4 and I'm going to use a harsh word - but are you willing to "settle" for this?
On the other hand, it's a glorious sunshine filled Saturday here and I hope there. A good day to eat ice cream.
I don’t want him to cater to my wants and needs. I want him to meet me half way! He is certainly by far the best catch I’ve had. He also expresses I might be the best he’s had. We are both certainly flawed as we are human. I love his flaws too.
He is actually big into PDA. Which is why I think it bothers me that he can’t just hug me hello when his son is around. I do believe he is slowly coming around to that.
It’s going to be a huge slow go for sure. Which is fine.
I know he is worth it and we are worth it as a couple. I just can’t go back to a place where I just concede to my partners needs without mine being considered at all. That simply breeds resentment . Resentment is kind of what killed most of the marriages here. It was most definitely one of the causes of death of mine.
Today is a beautiful day out here too and we are going to visit my friend at her new huge house with an inground pool. Should be a great day!
I forgot to mention . A 25 year old PCT at work definitely has a crush on me and I think he asked me out. He’s a very sweet guy, knows how to treat a woman, and will one day make a great husband to some lucky woman. It’s flattering, but I’m in love with another man, and well, I could be his momma, lol. It’s nice to know young guys find me attractive though.
One last thing.... he can go about being a perfect parent. I am afraid he might burnout one day. But he will see for himself. He has so much love for his son just as I have so much love for my daughter. And I’m going to keep going as an imperfect parent. As long he respects my parenting, I will respect his. I think that’s fair
Oh I have so much I want to add!!! But I’m out on a weekend trip - the same one one that started things off with wild girl one year ago. Talked with Ed parents last night but they all don’t be here as it’s D18 graduation. I’ll perhaps talk about this later in the eeek on my own thread / or not. But to the point here, I really thin you are seeing who M is and he’s not likely to change much soon. I see sooooo much if myself in M so so much. Don’t anyone fall off their chairs here, especially Andrew but I have to agree with bear all that he said and will be saying much if the same when I’m not in the road and on a phone.
Off for a long day - two gigs ending at 1 AM followed by a two hour drive. Hmmmm will I meet a possible cruise date winner again today? Yeah I guess I do need to start thinking more about that. Again this belongs on my thread. Hang in there Ginger.
I’m sure he is who is. But what you want don, and what he wants, are two different things. But he wants to get what he wants only his way, if that makes sense. He wants a long term committed loving relationship and he wants his son to see that grow between 2 people ( his words). So, he has an unusual way of getting to his destination.
That being said. I’m going to try to take a different approach and frame of mind. Then it will come to me. I am determined to make this work for the long term without sacrificing myself.
And honestly, since the convo, he has been super attentive and loving . Pursuing more. I know he loves me me dearly. We most likely won’t see each other until next Friday, because I did make that switch with my ex.
Remember G actions not words. If your in for the long haul and know he is THE ONE then just continue on. No R is perfect and if you feel comfortable communicating with him as you work to build a R with him then that is most important.
You will never like everything about a person. You just have to decide if what you don't like is a 10 on your scale and a deal breaker or it's a 1 and not that significant at all.
Well, on a whim I got enough pool passes for M and his son to come. They came with. And met more of my people!
The ex and the wife! They went to the pool too. They were there a little later but we even sat by each other .
It was nice, we had fun. He even kissed me on the forehead in the pool. His kid loves hanging out with us.
This is good stuff. I know it.
We hit a rough patch this week. He’s had a really bad week in baby mama drama land. He picked a little bit of a fight with me, has been kind of distant and snippy.
We went out last night and before we did he told me how much he was looking forward to it. We hadn’t been alone in 2 weeks. It felt like it used to when we used to get super excited to see each other . He got here and gave me a huge kiss . He told me about what transpired today at his son’s school orientation. I read emails he explained it to me and it really makes me cry what he deals with . After he vented he just sat with me on the couch and hugged me so hard. It was beautiful weather so we decided to dine al fresco where we had our first date. He really relaxed and we had, joked, laughed, like it always was with us. We came back to my place and you know, ( been a while for that too). We were cuddling and he said he was sorry for the way has been lately and it has been so hard and he knows he doesn’t tell me often, but it means the world for him the way i am there for him and that he loves me very much.
The other day he invited me to spend Father’s Day with him and his son. And I knew that said a lot right there. Unfortunately, I am working this weekend and I can’t . I did decide to get him a card with a gift. I got them 2 passes to this mini waterpark/amusement park. I told him to wait to open it when he’s with his son even though I won’t be there. I am sure his mom takes the kid to get something for him, but his ex would never. He takes his son to get a card for mom, but she wouldn’t do the same. So I hope he enjoys it.
He did tell me how much he liked my dad. Then I know it’s awful, but he finally had to say something about my ex’s wife. She is NOT an attractive woman my any stretch of the imagination. Not that I’m hot stuff, but often people look at her and then at me, and go “WTF” I just say I must have a really bad personality.
Oh, and one more thing. The ex and his wife came to pick up D yesterday. I helped her to the car. I was looking nice because I met a friend for lunch and was going out M . The ex gives me the “look” and asked if I was going out for a night on the town. He then noticed my hair (it’s getting blonde and I actually wore it curly, which he always liked) and he told me my hair looked good in front of his wife. Then he noticed my necklace M got me for my birthday. He said it was really cool and asked me where I got it and I told him where. I think he’s got an ounce of jealousy in him. It’s 11 years, but he’s not used to me dating someone exclusively for so long. Your loss buddy.
First of all, don’t say your not hot stuff cause my male friends would be all over you to get a date - but i think women that date pregnant women’s husbands just naturally exude an ugliness that corrupts their physical appearance. It’s sensed because beauty somehow manifests from within. People probably sense that about her when they make those comments. She’s an ugly person inside.
Thank you juju. I know with me, when I know something ugly about someone, they appear ugly to me.
Last night on a whim M invited me to a carnival with him and his son. I took them up on the offer . We had a great time. He’s still so weird about his son seeing us show any affection. He will sneak in a peck, only if his son can’t see. When we left, he put his son in the truck, I had my own car, and he gave me the most awkward peck on the Forehead. He was afraid his son was going to see.
My problem with this isn’t that I need affection. It’s that I feel like we are sneaking around and our relationship feels like something he needs to hide. It’s time now. We have definitely eased him in. It’s safe to say the kid really likes me and he wouldn’t be upset or bothered by it. I’m definitely going to talk to him about it.
Oh, and I saw
Saw what? No cliffhangers!
Hahaha! I meant to take something out and I guess I didn’t take it out all the way.
I saw him be imperfect last night! While it was slightly embarrassing ( I won’t get into details) I was like “I knew he was human too!”
I saw him be imperfect last night! While it was slightly embarrassing ( I won’t get into details) I was like “I knew he was human too!”
Lol, say what you want but I'm telling you M and me are so much alike. ^^^^^^^^^^^^. This is what someone would say about me. And I'm I'm totally not perfect and very human but always try my best to be my best. And when I talk about what I want I'm totally talking 20 years ago - not to say. I'm guessing M wants more than I do at this point but I was him at his age.
And to that end its not his don he's worried about. That's what you are missing. You are correct it's time. His din coukd totally see you two being more affectionate. But to do so makes it more real to him. I'm telling you I see so much of me 20 years ago in him. Just keep this in mind if you talk with him about it. It's not his son he's protecting - it's himself.
And this doesn't mean he dies not want you - he does - he's just scared of it and doing all the things you are wanting makes it totally real without a comfortable exit. He's scared of it. I know this because I lived it.
Well, I brought it up last night and we didn’t see eye to eye on it. He’s not ready yet. Not because he is trying to have an exit strategy., he is dealing with huge amount of unbelievable baby mama drama and he is scared of “confusing” him and he wants us to spend more and more time together so he gets used to it and doesn’t become resentful . I honestly think his son would be really happy when he found out. Or just not care all that much . We don’t see eye to eye on it, but in the end it’s his choice.but I certainly let him know how it made me feel and what my thoughts were on it.
That being said it lead to a pretty big relationship talk. Which. Ended to happen. He said he senses frustration from me and like all of a sudden I want to move forward. I said I have been frustrated because it seems like we are moving backwards. He assured me it had nothing to do with me, he isn’t moving backwards, he is right where he was but his energy is indeed focused on his baby mama drama. He said I need to know he loves me and his feelings about me didn’t change.
In a nutshell. His stuff he is going through is going to take precedence now. Everything is still hugely affecting him and is ongoing. He said if he seems hesitant to rush into anything, it’s not me, it’s the horror he went through with his ex. He told me I was amazing and having me by his side means the world to him. He said no else should have to carryHe dated 3 girls since the divorce and I the only one who met his son. He said he feels bad and no one should have to carry this around and any other woman would have run from this
He ended up inviting me to his son’s preschool graduation. Where his ex will be. I accepted the invite.
What it boils down to: his needs are coming first right. Now and mine are going to have to take the back burner. I am going to have to really deal with some stuff with him for a while. And that happens in relationships. I hope that it balances out eventually. I did say to him I will give him space and he could put his energy where it needs to go and I won’t push anything, but I want a natural progression of our relationship when the drana clears a little and things get calmer . He agreed to that.
This is very hard. I’ve never been in this sitch. I truly love this guy. I do think I am a very important part of his life, but I’m going to have to be really patient. I’s not going to be easy. And I think through this process I really need to focus on myself and give myself lots of self care. I have fears, that I will get through all of this with him, and he will drop me and move on to some other woman. But those are just unfounded fears.
I can do this. And I hope he would do the same for me if I needed him as much.
I think that is huge that he invited you to his sons preschool graduation. I don’t think I would invite a boyfriend to an even if I knew my ex was going to be there - and my ex honestly could care less.
With ex wives (especially narcissistic ones)- seeing a girlfriend present only increases the drama. It makes them more vindictive. So I think he’s really trying to compromise here and he is showing you he wants you to share big moments in him and his sons life.
^^^ he's going thru h3double hockey sticks with the ex and he still invited you. very huge. yes, to lots of self care right now.
always look at the long range goal. it's a marathon, not a sprint.
xoxoxo
I said this in a post a week or so ago and I'm repeating it now to make sure I'm not coming across negative, but I am NOT advocating that you ditch M. He seems like a stand up guy in many ways. However, I think you really need to take a good, hard, long look at what you are willing to be patient with and settle for. You say his needs are coming first right now and you have to be very patient until all the drama dies down. I think it is a hugely positive sign that he invited you to the graduation, knowing his XW will be there. And, I feel bad for him that his XW is SO drama-filled. That can't be good for anyone. My fear, though, is that the "drama dying down" is NOT going to be a quick process. How old is this kid again? I may be getting my stories crossed with J9 and his doctor lady, but I was thinking the kid is younger than your D11, right? Several years younger? Be prepared for mama drama until that kid is in college and I dare say it will NOT "die down" at any point for more than a week or a month or so before something will stir her up again, most likely some weird manufactured crap that any normal person would not even notice. When M's son announces to his mother that M has a girlfriend, all h3ll will break loose. When M's son talks about your D11, XW will make snide comments towards both of you and will do everything in her power to "help" M's son see that daddy is choosing your D11 over him. I realize I don't know M's XW personally, but having lived the situation that you are in now, I guarantee you these things will happen at some point. Just like WAS have a script, so do crazy XWs with little ones. Sadly, M and his son will be caught in the middle, not because you want them there or try to put them there, but because she will. She will work hard to turn her son against M by dragging you and D11 through the mud. M will be put in a position of having to defend you (which, by all indications, he will) and then she'll use that against him. I know, I know, I did not succeed at not sounding negative and I could be way off base here. I HOPE that I am. But I dealt with an XW in a relationship that was the biggest drama mama on the planet and she pulled every tactic she could to manipulate and punish her XH and used the kids against him. The first time I met her (I had already met the kids), she said to the kids, right in front of me and their dad "so, y'all have met this one of your dad's whores?" Yeah.........lovely, right? My whole point to this post is be prepared. If you are truly in it for the long haul and you are ok with being patient and waiting for him, more power to you, but be prepared, just like bttrfly said, because this is going to be a LONG marathon. Good luck!
It really does speak volumes to me that he invited me to the graduation. I told him that I don’t want to cause extra problems for them by going. He is not concerned . And he said he is sure he mentioned us to his mom already.
He’s invited us again to movie night and they are coming to my nephews pool party Sunday. He clearly does want to spend more time with the kids together.
I know this is going to be a long long road and it’s likely never going to end. I guess my hope is it will come to a point where it won’t suck up all of his energy and he will be able to give our relationship the attention it deserves.
The long range goal is what I’m keeping my eyes on. I just have a fear I will put in all of this patience and work and sacrifice and get dumped at the end. That fear is unfounded, but it’s there anyways.
This is really hard and a really tough situation. I’m going to take it one day at a time for now.
One day at a time is a good thing. It is a difficult situation and one that does require a lot of patience on your part and communication on both of your parts to navigate. But, you already knew all that because you are smart. I think my real fear for you in all of it is that you have said before that in past relationships, you have put others' needs before your own and it seems like you are doing that in this situation as well. The positive that I see here is that he's trying. He invited you to the graduation and invited you to do other things and those are positive steps. But, then you seem frustrated by the lack of affection in front of his son and when you addressed that, I still don't think you were satisfied with his response, so just be careful. I would hate for you to push your needs to the back burner to the point that you start resenting M for such things. I really am rooting for you both and hope that at some point, he gets some peace from dealing with the demons, so to speak, so that he can focus on your relationship and give it the attention that it (and you) deserve. Just don't settle.
Uggggg it's always so complicated. No one can really know what M is thinking and feeling nor know how it will all end. I most certainly don't - I just have hunches and things that make me question things. On top of it all, like some of the other have said, I don't think you should be considering dumping him - which you clearly are not. I also don't think he is not in love with you - I think he is - just on his terms and as much as he can be. There are just things that make me question.
It really does speak volumes to me that he invited me to the graduation. I told him that I don’t want to cause extra problems for them by going. He is not concerned . And he said he is sure he mentioned us to his mom already.
This speaks volumes to me as well - just perhaps not in the same way. You say that he's having huge problems with ex and that is the reason he's being cautious and for lack of a better term, pulling back or keeping you at arms length at times. Yet he's willing to bring you to something that might cause problems? Yes this could certainly be seen as a really good thing (and it is) but to me it really makes me wonder if ExW is really the source of his pulling back. If it were, he'd not want to risk having you there. I think it may be an excuse - I just do, just like I think the affection in front of his son, or going to lake meetings, etc. are excuses for him to stay in his comfort zone. As to "he mentioned us to his mom" - as in mentioned that you exist or that you might be coming to this event? Totally makes sense that he may have mentioned you attending - much less so if he's not sure if he's mentioned to his mom that you exist? (sorry I can't remember if you've met his mom or not) I'd certainly think at 10 months that you have - if not, hmmmmmm another question.
The long range goal is what I’m keeping my eyes on. I just have a fear I will put in all of this patience and work and sacrifice and get dumped at the end. That fear is unfounded, but it’s there anyways.
Why shouldn't he fear that you might dump him? Why is it you have to endure all of this, give the sacrifice, but he may still then dump you? How has the dynamic come to this? He should fear you may dump him for all of the things you've been writing about - yet that doesn't seem to be even a concern for either of you - it's the other way around. See how the dynamic is sorta shifted all to him with you being the one who sacrifices and gives up things? It is with this that I so much agree with Dawn when she says " I would hate for you to push your needs to the back burner to the point that you start resenting M for such things." It is sort of sounding like the dynamics from previous Rs for you Ginger where you have to just go along with what the guy wants so you can see him and then you do just that only for him to dump you later - which again is your fear - but see how you are sorta starting to go there? I think you need to shift this dymnaic a bit more towards, look buddy, I'm a catch and if you're not seeing that, you might need to start worrying that I'm going to move on - rather than, okay, I'll do whatever it takes, I'll compromise, I'll forgo.
The thing is for both you and M, you can't change what the other person is going to do - you can only change how you react to it. He's not going to change what his exW does - he can only change how he reacts to it - and currently at least he says he's reacting to it by changing how he interacts with you. It's the same with you - you can't change what he's going to do, not directly, you can only change how you react to it.
It's just going to take more time. You'll know in a year. I know that's not what you'd hope to hear but it's not like there are reasons to dump him and more on at this point. I think the good still outweighs the bad. But pay attention to all of these excuses and see if they don't either continue or shift. "It's not you, it's the ExW" "It's not you it's the baby mama drama", "It's not you it's my son" It's not you it's my need for time alone." I think deep down this is what you are feeling and it's that gut feeling that is making you wonder.
Ugggggggg it really is so complicated and difficult.
Why shouldn't he fear that you might dump him? Why is it you have to endure all of this, give the sacrifice, but he may still then dump you? How has the dynamic come to this? He should fear you may dump him for all of the things you've been writing about - yet that doesn't seem to be even a concern for either of you - it's the other way around. See how the dynamic is sorta shifted all to him with you being the one who sacrifices and gives up things?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH THIS!!!!!!!! I don't think you should dump him and I do think there is genuine love there and good things happening, but why is it about you enduring all of this then getting dumped? Why isn't it about him having to "step up" so to speak and meet you half-way to avoid being dumped by you, an amazing woman? Don made my point for me even better than I did originally.
He ended up inviting me to his son’s preschool graduation. Where his ex will be. I accepted the invite.
Why the h@ll would you do this? Talk about a recipe for stirring up more drama with his ex. And for what? A preschool "graduation" is hardly an event that you must attend. You're only looking at it in terms of validation and not in terms of potential cost. I really don't think that's where you should meet his ex (if anywhere).
Also - preschool? I didn't realize his son was THAT young. So 15 more years of baby mama drama at least. You'd best be prepared.
I’m pretty messed up in the head right now. And just so confused.
I am want to stick by his side. I finally find a guy I could see my future with and there’s got to be SOMETHING.
His son is 5. So yeah, this isn’t ending anytime soon. And I can stick through the crazy. But I don’t know how much I can pay the price. Looks I broke my promise and I invited him to dinner Wednesday. he Ignored that. Sure, we got plans 2 days to do with the kids this week. But alone plans? Once every 2 weeks isn’t enough. Especially when you treat me like just a friend when we are around our kids. If he could give me that for what I give him, I could totally be happy with that.
I think I’m terms of him leaving me because that’s all I know. The last time I asked for more( a very reasonable more, because I was clearly be used) he decided to go with his back up choice.
I do give way too much of myself without getting much in return. It really drains a person.
He swears up and down he loves me and his feelings are constant for me. I guess he is showing that by inviting me to a lot of things with our kids. But the rest? I just don’t know.
I can only do one day at a time. Today was good. Tonight, not so much. So I decided to put away the phone and just watch my TV show and relax and have a beer. No work tomorrow .
On a totally different subject, I think my ex is jealous
And darn it. I am a catch . He should want to hold on.
G I know it was a little hard for me this weekend to show affection to the Dr. when my girls were around. We held hands a little bit, did some light touching, exchanged a couple of kisses but nothing over the top like normal. It also felt a little weird since they have never seen me be with another woman outside of their mom if they even remember that. I noticed my youngest paying close attention.
J9 I think you are totally missing Gingers point - or actually helping her to make it without even knowing you're doing that. You were with the Dr. In front of the kids for the very first time and were already holding hands and kissing - things that could well be argued should not have even happened during the initial introduction. By contrast Ginger has been around his son many times already and M will only kiss her on the forehead when he's not in the same area. See the difference? Ginger would be doing back flips if M showed the PDA on the 10th outing that you showed on the first.
Don’s right. 5 months, a good amount of time spent together, kid really really likes me, I really really like him, and he cannot hold my hand. He cannot kiss me unless he is SURE his son won’t see.
It wasn’t appropriate early on, but it is now. I would kill for what your level of affection in front of the kids.
And it’s not about me needing to be physical. It’s about his son knowing the truth now and to stop hiding our love like some dirty little secret .
Makes sense......i was just trying to articulate that it wasnt easy for me...I did it but it felt a little awkward.
With ex bf, I was not affectionate in front of my son. My son only knew him as mommy’s friend who happened to have dogs. Once he even told me, “mom, I think .... has a crush on you” . I liked this because I didn’t have to explain romantic relationships with my son. Ex bf even babysat a few times for me (before i was getting annoyed with him) Son was recently asking about why we don’t see him and what was great was that all I had to tell him was that we weren’t getting along just like him and a friend of his , so we r not having play dates any more.
I just didn’t want to get into a big topic of romance with my son. Things are complicated in his life and I didn’t want to add more complication. I wanted things simple for him. M might not be ready for that with son. He might simply want to keep things simple with him. He’s a kid that’s trying to make sense of a divorce still.
It’s his choice right now. I have no say. But he needs to meet me somewhere in the middle . Like making time for just us. Which he’s been slacking on. One day just is in 2 weeks is not working for me. Next weekend we have a weekend away. We need it.
My body and mind are out of whack. I have a pinched nerve in my neck, my right hip has been killing me. I am off today, and instead of CrossFit, I’m going to yoga today. I think this is taking a toll on my body. I need to clear my mind.
You DO have a say!!!!! You are a part of this relationship, so you absolutely DO have a say. Why are you letting him call all the shots? This makes me sad, G. You are awesome and you deserve to get/have what you want. It’s not just about him. Please think about that.
Ginger,
Relationships are a two way street, a give and a take, per se. I agree w/Dawn, you have just as much say in this relationship as he does. I realize that both of you work, but it seems a bit odd to me that if he says he loves you, that he would want to spend more time w/you, i.e., even w/o the kids being around. You have been in this relationship long enough that holding hands and kisses shouldn't be something that is hidden from his son.
You are a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate woman who deserves a man who will be there for you not matter what. You deserve so much more and M needs to either step up to the plate and explain just what is his problem.
Maybe it's time that you not be so readily available to be w/him and give him a taste of what it's like not to be around when he wants to do things. Sometimes what is good for the goose is also good for the gander.
Ginger, I want to see you happy.
Thank you guys so much.
I love him with all my heart, but I am sacrificing loving myself in the process.
I don’t want this to end, and I don’t want it to end because I love him, not because I don’t want to be alone.
But this is taking a toll on me. I can’t stop crying today.
I am definitely going to become less readily available. He needs to want to be with me and I need not chase him.
I feel defeated and pathetic today. And I’m sure he could sense that, even over text.
G - I agree pull back and see what happens. Let him drive the bus for a while. I know when the Dr. pulls back some I like to chase. It sparks my interest.
Think positive, it doesn't mean that it's over.
I am sorry.
Girl - be very careful here. It's true that you deserve love and have a right to speak up about your needs (and no,sex once every two weeks wouldn't have worked for me at your age and doesn't work for me now) - BUT - don't forget the big elephant in the room which is the gaping emotional hole from your mother that you keep looking to fill with a relationship. That causes you to go into an even deeper funk than is justified on occasion. Your default position is expecting to be abandoned.
Now might be a good time to read (or reread) Why Men Love B!tches. You are a goddess and he's lucky to have you. But your expectations need to come from confidence not fear of abandonment.
And I'd stop focusing on the PDA in front of his kid. Look, I was 15 when my mom started dating the man who became her second husband. It was a year after my father's death and I was totally intellectually ok with her dating again at that point. It STILL made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable to see them together. I wouldn't rush it with his son, and you need not to take that as a personal rejection of you because it isn't.