Obviously....it is taco Tuesday, after all!
Happy belated birthday, Andrew! I read your post the other day, but was off on my own adventure and didn't get a chance to actually respond and wish you a good day. I hope the steak and cake were yummy. Sounds like the perfect birthday meal to me!
I'm just absolutely tickled with how well things are going for you and B. Your post this morning was great. I am really happy for you.
Well - it's Wednesday. My schedule is all higgledy piggledy right now with construction at one of my offices, my birthday on Monday etc. So instead of being home, I'm at the sales and marketing office today.
Oddly all of the senior management as well as much of the sales staff is on site today. Presumably big strategic meetings. I'm on my best behaviour other than lurking here a smidge and have made sure that my bow tie is on straight.
Thank you Dawn for the birthday wishes. Dinner was indeed rather good although the pile of dishes to go through was large. I joke from time to time that I wish that I had more people to feed - but not usually when facing a sink full of suds
There is also much left-over cake which I have frozen and promised to share some of with B. 20S has also demanded that I save her at least one piece.
S24 is I think working hard on being upbeat and positive but he's worried about his job and such. I can believe that he has zero issues at present about my dating B. I don't talk about her in any detail other than that we're out / had a nice chat when I drove home on Tuesday etc. I'd left the card from B on the counter - my card from D26 finally arrived yesterday. No card from S24 - no surprise. It's not "in his face" and I do hope that he's happy for me. I think that the openness and honesty is best here. The treats from B were appreciated and only a modest amount were left for me - I joked to her that it is indeed true that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. On the call with his sister during my birthday he did mention how much he liked those particular treats.
I had a nice dinner with one of my best friends on Tuesday and probably talked far too much about B. He was very patient and happy for me and about the fact that I did say that he could tell his wife about the lady I'm dating. B had asked if we could talk on the phone regularly now which hadn't crossed my mind as something we could do easily logistically but my drive was a good time. I think that on her side that the cat is well out of the bag and is wandering around freely. We'll probably keep things quiet for a while yet even though I think it's plain to B that I am - and yes Dawn I use this phrase too - tickled pink to spend time with her and have no issues being seen spending time with her. She's a great person and I'm proud to be in her company.
We had a nice call on my drive home but B seemed distracted. It turns out that her son broke up with his girlfriend. They were coming back home anyway for a few days but it looks like it's back to the old routine for them. It was odd talking to her with toddlers in the back-ground demanding this and that and being instructed to tidy up etc etc. One of them insisted on knowing who she was talking to - asked if it was Grandpa and was told no - it was Andrew - and then of course we had to say hi. They seem like sweet kids but very very busy and B certainly was patient with them but also firm. Exactly as I would have expected.
I feel rather sorry for B. There she was - her new life taking shape and then dragged back by responsibilities. Certainly not my thing to fix nor even really have anything to do with other than be supportive and recognize it.
But - on a "finding the bright side" note, this certainly slows down the freight train at least for a while. Certainly it doesn't stop it nor derail it as her son is presumably doing the bulk of the parenting required other than last night.
We're having dinner tomorrow night at a restaurant that is literally 2 blocks from her place that she'd never heard of that is supposed to be nice. But I don't think she's gotten much free time in a long time and that which she's had has presumably been wherever her kids, family or her past dates have been.
The friend I had dinner with did tell me about a nice place at the local resort that he and his wife went to. He highly recommended the couples massage. I've never even had a single massage. I'm going to do some research and plan for a weekend getaway for B and I at some point. Looking at the calendar it may have to wait until we are both back from vacation in later April. Again - when I say that I'm taking my time I am actually trying to do that. So much of me - both emotionally and - yes - physically is poking me vigorously to move faster - I can smell the smoke of the brakes - but I know that I need to be safe. Make sure that this is what
I want before I get in way too deep. I think that we also lose track too of the fact that there are two players in this - and I want to be sure that she also is fully invested in things going forward assuming that they do.
Anyhoodles - back to work. B might give me another call on today's drive. I'll let her know when I'm leaving and it's up to her with no pressure.
Andrew,
Just a reminder; today is National Pi Day. Canadians are allowed to participate.
It’s national steak and bj day here in the U.K!
It’s national steak and bj day here in the U.K!
Too funny! Absolute proof that the Brits are more cultured than the rest of us.
It sounds like you are really enjoying your time with B. I know you're trying to take it slow, but the fact that you're already thinking about a weekend trip, spa day, and other future dates / events with her is telling that you are getting a little ahead of yourself. Try to slow it down, live in the moment when you're with her, but when you're not with her, keep focusing on you and your life instead of your future life with her. Just don't want to see you lose yourself, your own happiness (separate from her).
Saturday morning. Woken up by a pretty girl - texting me.
It's been a pretty good but long week. One of the plants is building me a new office so I had to switch my schedule around to avoid the heaviest construction. It should be a good indication of job security but the salesman who was also getting an office was let go last week. Can't count on anything. I'm pretty sure that I'm still good for a few more months but the uncertainty - which has been present for at least a year - is bothersome. I really should be focusing on a new job hunt but am understandably distracted a bit right now
The other side of the corporate restructuring sounds like it's not a very pleasant place from what I understand. I am well regarded over there though. I do think that if I were in a spot where I
need to find something new that with all the good friends and colleagues that I have had over the years who are scattered around the planet that I wouldn't be on the beach for long. I have had some old colleagues reach out about me doing contract work but right now in a single income household with some substantial financial obligations to my ex, that's not a safe enough option to move to the top of the list. I am also building a good pension which isn't something to easily walk away from. Other than the usual uncertainty that can even affect a 100 year old company, the only actual issues I have are work/life balance and the fact that my direct boss is a very unpleasant person to work with even if I think he imagines we're friends.
I've talked to B a bit about some of these challenges but I think that the work world I live in is so different from her experience that it all makes no sense to her. Earlier I would just gloss over my day - it's pretty boring to the un-initiated but now I do share some of it but don't expect nor get much feedback. Improving processes for communicating with third party logistics providers really isn't everyone's thing. In fact the number of people who would find that sort of thing interesting probably included all the people in the meeting I was in and none of those who weren't.
Things are delightful with B. We had dinner at a local cafe on Thursday - food reasonably good - not nearly as intimate as I'd hoped for. Even though it is literally two blocks from her house, I picked her up in my car and drove her back. I'd offered to walk her back as it was a lovely evening but she wanted me to drive. It seems that my car is a more comfortable place to say good night for a while than the sidewalk. We also talked about "us" and such-like. The passion is palpable and I think a few dates ago we would have gone further than we have but I've kept saying that I want to take things slow and she's respecting that. I did talk about sometime soon spending the day together and me making dinner for her and then breakfast or us going away to somewhere nice. I joked that the back seat on a public street - while it may "do" wasn't what we wanted
But she was open to that at the drive-in movie in the summer
I do believe that she knows that I'm very interested in her in both the physical and emotional ways - certain physical signs on my part were undoubtedly pretty obvious to her when we hugged
I don't think that I'll need any medicinal assistance on that part. It is very very important to me though to make sure that she knows and yes - that I know - that that's not why I like spending time with her. Just like I enjoy pumpkin pie both with whipped cream and without - can't have a post that doesn't have a food reference or bad analogy
I did reach out to an old friend who has a chalet at the local ski resort area for suggestions on places to go and he gave me some good input. My income tax refund is supposed to hit my bank on Monday so I certainly can afford something special and spontaneous with this unexpected windfall.
B and I were talking on the phone as I was driving back home yesterday and she mentioned a dear friend who she hasn't seen in a long time who coincidentally lives on the way to one of the plants I have some meetings at in a couple of weeks which she didn't know when she mentioned it. I've suggested that I'd be more than happy to drop her off / pick her up if she can get the day off work. We'll be getting back late and it would be reasonable for her to stay here after. I need to nail down those meetings.
While I'm sure that many people are fine with catching what they can where they can be it in a car or a no-tell-motel - that's not me.
On her side I've definitely progressed to boyfriend status. She referred to me as that when she was relating a conversation with a friend. I think that despite our occasional awesome mind-reading powers that one thing that often gets lost is the actual feelings and attitudes of the person on the other side of the relationship. Part of me thinks that B is in far deeper than I am and I'm in pretty deep. The little cynical part sitting on the sidelines eating popcorn does watch for her having less than pure motives. On a practical basis I do bring a lot to the table. I get the impression that her finances are in pretty crappy shape, she lives in sub-standard housing with a retail clerk's salary and no spousal support. But she's never asked for anything nor even hinted at how "our" life would be different. She has put out there about an inheritance that may be coming her way and the value of the property that still needs to be settled with her ex but she doesn't seem to be including that in any of her future plans and who knows if that will help make her more comfortable or not. It is literally none of my business.
I'm working on coming to terms with the fact that people who she has cared about for in the past are still people that she cares about even if the relationship has passed. She was talking about a past boyfriend - I don't think she took too much of a break after leaving - who is a chef. He sounds like a decent enough guy and she says that his rabbit stew is just like what her dad used to make. He's going in for heart surgery soon and B is worried about him. I believe that she's going to go and visit him when he's recovering. 25 year old me would have had a very very hard time with this. 55 year old me is working on shrugging, accepting and working on finding the trust that the past is indeed behind her. It's not always easy especially given what I have gone through as I am sure pretty much everyone reading along would understand. Finding that piece of trust is one of the things that I think is holding me back. She did say that her last relationship - which wasn't with the chef - ended back in October and she took a break before finding me in early February. I think she's gone through a fair number of guys. I hate to suggest it, but given that her OLD profile was pretty unappealing and that she looks and sounds much older than her "good" picture there indicates - even though it turns out that it is much more recent than I'd thought - but the quality of guys that she was running in to probably was fairly low. But then again - I could be completely wrong - I'll never know.
It's interesting to me how my perception of her varies - and yes I'm a math nerd - inversely proportionately to the physical distance between us. We are both mature people. And yes, we both undoubtedly look our age. She's sent me a few pictures and we've both admitted to creeping on each other's social media profiles. Other than the picture she took of us together, she's a very average looking woman. She sent me a picture this morning of her cuddled up with one of her grandkids in bed (old people sexting
) and she looks like who she is - an mature lady with bed-head. Her voice has that bit of a rasp that people get when they get older and she loves talking. In person it all "sparkles" though - even if on another forum that's a bad thing.
On the other hand, I'm also middle-aged with wrinkles, grey hair, age spots and more than a few pounds around the middle. And she thinks I'm attractive too.
Her kids seem to approve as well. She mentioned over dinner that the birthday message she sent me via Messenger she first formatted on Facebook and accidentally posted including my full name. Her daughter swooped in and has thoroughly googled me and given very clear opinions. I actually don't know if B figured out how to delete that post. It might still be there. In general I pass but her daughter says that I'm not to grow my hair long again. I expect that her sons are well informed now too. Odd as it may sound, that decreases my worries about her "playing the field" as she is being closely supervised on her side.
On my side I don't think she has any worries. I've been open about my dating history and how / when each part ended. It may sound a bit egotistical, but if I was the sort of person who was just after "one thing" that I would be well provided with that and quite some time ago. She knows that she's the first person that I've kissed since my divorce. Something that I won't do lightly. (insert joke that with her, it's certainly not done lightly
)
She's said that soon we need to drop off her snow tires which she stores with her one son and then soon go food shopping where co-incidentally her daughter lives. Kid introductions are I believe imminent.
One positive thing I think is that we're not a "perfect match" - from what I've learned that would be a very bad sign. I'm getting more comfortable with this. Still not ready to go all in though. I'm glad that she's respecting that.
Well - I suppose I should wrap this up for now. I'm adjusting my schedule to get my regular household chores done as B and I are spending the afternoon together - we're going to hit some furniture stores and just visit. My one SIL has invited us out to a music event that she's hosting today but even though we'll be up around there we probably won't stop by. There's a documentary on this evening that she wants to watch with her son who lives in a village about 20 minutes away. While there is a strong temptation to sweep her away to a romantic destination - of which there are many in close proximity - I feel - despite her protests that I don't need to - that I need to ensure that I don't interfere with the time she spends with her children and friends.
Well - off I go to switch laundry and get ready for my errands. Thanks for riding along.
Sigh - I just don't get the jealousy thing.
CMM is really bothered by the fact that I am friends with my exes (except my ex-husband). I figure, if I liked them enough at one time to sleep with them, and they didn't do something terrible to end the relationship, why wouldn't I be friends? I still care about what happens to them as human beings even if we weren't meant to be together. I believe it's a sign of a caring person and wouldn't you appreciate that yourself if you and B didn't work out and you got sick in the future? Wouldn't you appreciate a word of concern or a visit from B?
Sigh - I just don't get the jealousy thing.
CMM is really bothered by the fact that I am friends with my exes (except my ex-husband). I figure, if I liked them enough at one time to sleep with them, and they didn't do something terrible to end the relationship, why wouldn't I be friends? I still care about what happens to them as human beings even if we weren't meant to be together. I believe it's a sign of a caring person and wouldn't you appreciate that yourself if you and B didn't work out and you got sick in the future? Wouldn't you appreciate a word of concern or a visit from B?
Absolutely. And that is the way that I am looking at it. If she wasn't a kind and caring person she wouldn't be the person I would want in my life.
Oh my. I was ILU'd. I said that I need more time.
I'm not using a book or anything.
And she's started asking me computer help questions. Definitely serious now.
It sounds like you are really enjoying your time with B. I know you're trying to take it slow, but the fact that you're already thinking about a weekend trip, spa day, and other future dates / events with her is telling that you are getting a little ahead of yourself. Try to slow it down, live in the moment when you're with her, but when you're not with her, keep focusing on you and your life instead of your future life with her. Just don't want to see you lose yourself, your own happiness (separate from her).
I thought I'd bump this since it was overlooked with nary a sentence of a response.
After less than a month? Or perhaps a month? From what you have told us it would appear this is going the same way things went when you met your wife. Some people just have patterns that are hard to break.
As for "going slow" that has much more to do with than just sex Andrew you are not going slow - not by a long shot and neither is B.That's not even to say it's bad or wrong but just please at least see it for what it is - as coconut and others have tried to point out. This is not slow or even close.
It’s really exciting being in the early stages of a new relationship. Especially after what we went through with our ex’s. And I am glad you seem to be enjoying your company with B.
One of the things I did frequently with my now ex bf was gloss over some things, and put a positive spin on them. For example, “He yells a lot..hes really expressive and honest and reminds me of my old neighborhood. It must be something about that culture and where we grew up. Some people are like that. I have a lot of friends like that” or “he’s not really into outdoor stuff like me, but he stays home a lot and is really gonna be a loyal guy and I will always be able to count on him” or “he complained about women being dishonest about their pics yet he lied about his height... well, looks aren’t important and most guys do lie about that and well he is looking for a serious girlfriend and a lot of guys are not. And I am aging and need to be reasonable about what’s out there” etc etc etc ....
I regret not having dated other guys at the same time. That has never been my style and it felt disloyal. I thought, hey how can your really get to know someone if you are dating a lot of people. In hindsite, I think it would have saved some hurt feelings if I took my time and maybe got to know others as well.
I’m seeing a little bit of this with you. Some questions about pics and perhaps abilities to relate to your job and music preferences and cultural references. Not a big deal now. But maybe think about what you are glossing over before committing early.
The Pace is scary and it sounds like you both want this to be right. It’s easier that way for people like us, that like commitment and relationships to just find someone willing to be in a relationship too. But make sure they are really compatible as well. That takes time. But also experience. b does sound like a lovely lady, but so too would be concerned about the ILU.
Juju - Thank you for stopping by and your thoughtful comments. I respect your opinion especially considering what you have gone through recently.
B and I have had a perhaps surprisingly large number of talks about our pasts. I also know that anyone that I will encounter won't have had the same luxury of introspection that I have had .
We talked today driving home from visiting her mother about the importance of accepting that we both have a past that isn't part of the future.
For me she is depending on how you count it is #4. On her sidenote believe that I am #3. Or perhaps #5. None of my business.
That's a big one very very fast! I did have a feeling she was going to drop that on you. You surprised me and made me proud. You told her you needed time. I thought you might dive in head first. Don is right, you talk about taking it slow, but the only slow you guys are taking it is in the sex department. Everything else is at lightening fast speed.
No one truly loves the other person knowing them only for a month. It's just not possible. But i sure do believe she is seriously infatuated with you and one day, that could turn into love. Love is a slow steady burn to me, It's also more of an action to me. You guys are in no rush for anything. You are both in the perfect place actually. Grown kids, able to enjoy each other, no having any biological clocks ticking..... enjoy it all.
Thanks Ginger. I hope you take this as a compliment and it's meant as one, but B in many ways does remind me of you. Someone who wears their heart on their sleeve and goes all in.
Following along as you went through your different relationships with FF and others and finally M has taught me a lot about the female psyche I think. Even though undoubtedly I will never actually understand women.
You are in a different place I think because you've been single a long time and hurt many times as your expectations were dashed. I get the impression that she jumped right in to dating after leaving her husband in Sep 2017 and that the 5 month gap before we met was the longest she's been alone. She's told me about two guys - I didn't ask but let her talk about whatever she wants to talk about - one was just a fling and the other turned out to be smothering and controlling.
What I learned indirectly from you is that honesty and respect are more important than anything physical. And that respecting the other person's space and making sure that they have room to breathe is essential to building a good relationship. Learning to trust again is I think the hardest part of all of this.
On a sad note - when I got home yesterday and checked my messages there was one from a good friend who I last saw last fall for lunch. We had talked about my experiences and some of the warning signs that I'd overlooked he recognized in his own wife and he joked nervously about that. And yeah - he caught her text another man a few weeks ago and has heard all the usual lines. He's not taking it well. I gave what practical and emotional support I could. We're going to have lunch some time next week.
Oh - and funny story that I thought I would share. doodler's been quiet - this will wake him up. When B and I were out a few days/dates ago a message came in on my phone. B joked that "oh - that's your daughter checking up on you" - and we resumed what we were doing.
When I got home some time later there was a silly Snapchat message from 20S (who is sort of a daughter) where she was using a filter that just looked weird. I responded that I was glad that I had waited as I had been on a date and then was asked why it took so long for me to respond. I said - well - we had to de-fog the windows (literally true - cold night) and then 20S - in all caps - YOU WERE BANGING HER IN YOUR CAR?????
I laughed and responded that no - we weren't doing that and that a car seat really isn't very romantic or accommodating for people of our age. I then got a lecture on safe sex from someone who literally is young enough to be my daughter. She has creeped B's social media though and approves. And on a related note B mentioned in passing that she has also done not only mine but also my ex - who she "doesn't" approve of.
I then got a lecture on safe sex from someone who literally is young enough to be my daughter.
Good! One of the fastest growing groups for STDs are older people. We grew up in the pre-AIDS generation, may not have used condoms in thirty years etc. My much younger girlfriends (two hilarious sisters) told me firmly when I started dating:" No glove, no love!"
Dear Andrew,
I'm so glad that you are enjoying your time with B and things are going well. I concur with what everyone before me has said....there is NOTHING slow about how y'all are taking things. Y'all are forging ahead. Nothing wrong with that if y'all are on the same page, but definitely not moving slow. But, I think you actually know that.
I know you have explained your relationship with 20S numerous times and I don't even think you really owe anyone an explanation of anything but for some reason, your recent comments about her kind of bothered me. I continue to say that I think you are a lovely, upstanding gentleman and I know there is nothing untoward in your relationship with her, but SHE seems to have some boundary issues where you are concerned. That is just my perception and you may well disagree and that is fine, but something about her sending you snapchat stories and stalking B on facebook to give her approval....that all just seems a little too close for comfort to me for some reason. Not sure why, but it just struck me odd.
Dear Andrew,
I'm so glad that you are enjoying your time with B and things are going well. I concur with what everyone before me has said....there is NOTHING slow about how y'all are taking things. Y'all are forging ahead. Nothing wrong with that if y'all are on the same page, but definitely not moving slow. But, I think you actually know that.
I know you have explained your relationship with 20S numerous times and I don't even think you really owe anyone an explanation of anything but for some reason, your recent comments about her kind of bothered me. I continue to say that I think you are a lovely, upstanding gentleman and I know there is nothing untoward in your relationship with her, but SHE seems to have some boundary issues where you are concerned. That is just my perception and you may well disagree and that is fine, but something about her sending you snapchat stories and stalking B on facebook to give her approval....that all just seems a little too close for comfort to me for some reason. Not sure why, but it just struck me odd.
Thanks Dawn. Yeah - I alternate between enjoying the ride and being terrified. Not too terrified - this is after all in many ways what I wanted all along. I know that for many people that this speed happens and they encourage it and don't give it a second thought - especially when caught up in the euphoria of limerence. And I absolutely know that this is happening on both sides but more on her's as Ginger pointed out.
This doesn't mean that it's a bad thing or a good thing. It's a thing thing. As Ginger also pointed out - we both are looking for something sustainable for the long term after the limerence is gone and my tendency to line up my socks in the drawer drives her nuts sets in. The pre-DB AndrewP would have moved a whole lot faster than I even am now and overlooked the issues that I now give careful thought to knowing far more about relationships and how they develop especially in the initial stages than I ever thought I would know. Much of it from rather intense reading on how affairs start, evolve and burn out.
As far as 20S - she actually is similar in some ways to many of the women who are around me. For some reason I seem to inspire a mother-hen protectiveness combined with a firm belief on their parts that I'm an idiot who needs to be told things in small, simple to understand words. Even my ex treated me like that for our entire marriage although for her she added in the fact that I was very much her possession to own and control. Heck, even women who I've never met IRL are like that - aren't they Dawn
I'm not sure I agree with Ginger that the whole thing is happening more on B's side. You seem to be moving fast as well and equally giddy about the progress as you report B being. And, I totally agree with you that it isn't necessarily a good or bad thing. I know there are others on here who have made lots of comments about how fast things move, but when you get to a certain age and when you KNOW what you want and don't have time for all the bull, it does sometimes happen quickly. Also, I think "fast" is relative for people. Some people would say a year is "too fast" while others would wonder why you were taking a WHOLE year, as though that were an eternity. Regardless of one's position, I am happy for you and while you do seem to both be moving quickly, I think you are being smart about it, as she is. I'm thrilled for you and wish you both nothing but the best.
I kind of take issue with that whole thing about treating someone as a possession to own and control (your words). I don't treat people like that because I don't want to be treated that way, so while I may occasionally exhibit some mother hen tendencies, apparently this farm girl interprets "mother hen" tendencies different than you do. Being a mother hen isn't about controlling, it is about taking care of someone else. You are far too intelligent a man to have someone treat you that way and to break things down in simple words as though you are a child. I do, though, think that is a tendency for women to behave that way and I'm not saying I have never done it. I'm just mindful of it and try very hard NOT to do it. As far as 20S, though, she doesn't give me the mother hen vibe. She gives me a very different, less pure vibe. But, I'm not in the situation and you know her while I don't, so I could be way off. From MY angle, based on the things you say, she just seems somewhat manipulative of you and, I would assume, other men as well. (Yes, I know what assume means, by the way....LOL)
Am I the only one who sees through Andrew’s little charade? He’s sly. He presents himself as the kindly Canadian conquistador, the purveyor of innocence, but he’s really a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” kind of guy. He’s like a pleasure seeking factory who churns through women at an astonishing rate. He’s the Salami King of Canada. Just think about all of his food metaphors. He says, “It’s pork and kraut night at the pub.” Uh huh, what he’s really saying is, “We’ll be having group sex in the shed tonight.” What about “I like pie”? Yeah, he likes pie alright. And then there’s the peanut butter cookies thing. Say “peanut butter cookies” several times very slowly. Sexually provocative, no? Need I mention Turkish taco?
What about his user name, AndrewP? What does the P stand for? Pfigglehorn? Pfrankensein? No, it stands for Player (pronounced Play-ya). That’s right Andrew Play-ya. And you think Mr. Play-ya doesn’t know anything about protected cunnilingus, think again my friends, think again...
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On a more serious note (something I try to avoid), I kinda-sorta agree with Dawn. I don't want our Andrew to be taken advantage of, and I don't think that's what B is doing overtly, but Andrew, you solve a lot of problems for B, and I'm sure she loves you in many ways, but she has a ton of baggage as well. Now is not the time to complicate your life. Slow down.
doodler - I knew you would give me a chuckle. And yes - one of the key things I've been warned of and watching for is being taken advantage of. B did mention yesterday that she only has one working kidney ....
Dawn - I hope you didn't think I was suggesting you were being controlling. It was strictly a reference to my ex. I was very much a possession. She was jealous of pretty much any female contact I had and a lot of the male contact I would have. She used to "joke" what's your's is mine and what's mine is my own.
20S - yeah - she's a nice kid. Means well for the most part. As anyone who has followed along knows she has pushed the boundaries of my generosity more than once. I'm positive that she doesn't have any romantic interest in me but even with the positive things I've said about her, I know that she's all about 20S first. S24 - in one of his grumpy moods described her as a "great friend when she needs you".
Oh no, Andrew, I didn't think you were saying I was controlling. I was just saying that I have an issue with women who do behave that way, as I don't think it was unique to your XW. I have friends who treat their men in their lives that way and it is frustrating to see that. I was also just pointing out that I do think that women in general (and I was including myself in that grouping) do sometimes tend to be a bit condescending to men and I think it is a societal thing since men are kind of set up to be the strong, non-emotional beings while women are the nurturers/caregivers. I think women sometimes mistake non-emotional for lack of emotion and those are not necessarily the same thing.
I wasn't suggesting that 20S has romantic designs on you, but I do think your son's way of looking at it is probably valid...she's great when she needs you, but then probably pretty distant when she doesn't. That is all I was saying.
Ah doodler - often something to google using incognito mode
I was debating on whether there was much to post or not but in retrospect - there are a couple of things.
So dear diary:
Things are still going well with B. We've not hit any real bumps as of yet but a couple of minor things where we disagree. The only one of consequence is her reassuring me that I will be her priority and me saying that her family and friends need to be her priority. We'll work it out. She's not a stage 3 clinger but certainly at least at stage 1. I've been alone so long that it's both comforting to know that someone cares but also aware that we both need to keep our own space. We've talked about it and don't quite agree as she says that she will always check with me to see if we have plans. It should work out though as I'm not the sort to make plans unilaterally. As things go - pretty darned minor. We'll undoubtedly hit bigger things.
I alternate being comfortable and being overwhelmed. I expect that many here understand what I mean.
Her son and grandkids moved back in with her for an entire week after he had another fight with his girlfriend. Proving that even people in their mid 30's are confused, he's gone back up to his girlfriend yet again - this time with a small ring in a box. I just shake my head. I mentioned that I can't see this being good and then shut the heck up. Not my circus. B agrees but is perhaps more of an optimist than I am. We both agree that her son and his girlfriend are adults and that the most important thing is the safety and happiness of the grand-kids.
One bit that long time home game players may find interesting was my trip in to the flower shop last Saturday. FSL wasn't working but her mother and a co-worker were. I was running early and joked that FSL usually gave me heck for that and then mentioned that I was on a tight timeline as I had a date that afternoon. Everyone was excited and happy for me and FSL's mother mentioned that this was good because I would undoubtedly be buying more flowers.
We had a good time last weekend. We did "normal" stuff. We went furniture shopping, browsed around craft shops, visited her mother. It was funny to us because during the furniture shopping we must look and act so much like a couple that it's just assumed we are. It is very clear between us that we are shopping for furniture for
me and not
us. I've vetoed leather sofas. Not something to have with cats or as a big hairy guy who sweats in the summer
From what B has told me, her entire family and many of her friends know that we're dating. I was interrogated last night about the fact that her one brother and I actually were in the same high school at the same time. I had to list off my siblings and am sure that information is being passed around. Her kids are pushing more and more bluntly to meet me.
I've let a few more people know. Just close trusted friends and family. Universally everyone is happy even when I remind them that this is very early days. I think they are happiest about the fact that I'm happy and that I've put myself "out there".
I'm using a version of "exposure therapy" with my own kids. I just mention in passing B this or B that as if this is something that is perfectly normal
because it is. Usually just saying things like "heading out for a date with B - back later" to S24 or B might be doing some baking and sending us pizza crusts (S24 is keen on the food part). Neither kid has expressed any curiosity about B and I've not passed on anything.
We're having dinner again tonight - it should be nice. I was joking with her that I've budgeted far more for going out than what we're spending. We tend to go to coffee shops etc and she doesn't hardly drink and I usually only have a beer if we are in a place that serves and I feel like it.
I do need to mention to B tonight that I'm (probably) having lunch with a lady that I worked with on Friday. Being honest and open. There's nothing to worry about even if this is one of the women who I had been tempted to date. I wouldn't have wanted to date her if I hadn't liked her. I never did ask her out although we would go for walks at lunch and stop for ice cream. She's my supplier of girl guide cookies. S24 is very excited that I'm getting a full case to share with he and his sister (and me).
This weekend B and I are running away to the local ski resort. It should be fun - and rather unsupervised. I've ordered flowers from a local florist to be in the room for when we get there. She'll like that. I'm a bit worried about the difficult conversation that will be necessary - but have checked the expiry date on the "supplies" that I'm packing. They have a fairly big shelf life. I'd bought a box of condoms before my trip to Cuba last year - never been needed. I'm going to assume that they'll be used unless she can tell me with confidence that they're not needed. I know my own history and have told her that I've tested clean but I don't know her's or if she's gotten checked. A sad but necessary thing in this world - and thank you everyone for reinforcing this especially kml who I very much trust on these sort of things.
On a sad note - when I got home from being out with B on Sunday morning an old friend had sent me a message asking for some help. He caught his wife cheating via text messages and is pretty torn up. I'm glad that I can pay it forward. His raw pain is palpable. I'm channeling a good friend of mine who when I was in the exact same spot gave me blunt and practical advice. Protect yourself. Educate yourself. Focus on yourself. It's crappy that this is happening. We're planning on having lunch or dinner early next week when I'm in his geography.
Well - time for lunch.
They have a fairly big shelf life.
Yep, they have a "big" shelf life. Most people would say "long shelf life." I understand though, you're excited by the anticipation of potential fadoodling in the near future. Hang in there big guy, it'll happen.
Andrew:
I found this just about the most healthy post I've ever seen you make (maybe I can grow up one day too). Great detachment, taking your time, looking at things from different perspectives, etc.
Dawn - do the initials RR have any significant meaning to you? Just asking.
Dawn - do the initials RR have any significant meaning to you? Just asking.
Ummmmm.....not particularly, off the top of my head. I know someone who has those initials and think highly of the person but wouldn’t necessarily say they have a “significant” meaning in my current life. The other thing that RR makes me think of is railroad and I live less than 1/4 mile from train tracks but that’s not really significant either because I’m so used to the sound that I rarely even notice it. And for the record, I live on the “right side of the tracks”. 😉
Had a lovely getaway with B. We talked lots about everything under the sun and the stars and certainly have grown closer and learned a lot more about each other.
She really liked the flowers that I'd had sent to the room although I laughed when she initially didn't see the card and thought that they were just a regular thing for this resort. For those who are thinking of sending flowers, putting everything in the hands of the florist with general guidelines about size and colours has always worked amazingly for me. I need to send flowers to D26 soon I think. It's been a while.
It was tough to drop B off at her place and say goodbye - for now. We are both very glad that we waited as long as we did and made this weekend special for both of us.
And no - no details will be provided here other than to say that very honest conversations were had about being prudent and safe and it's all good.
I've heard from my friend who I mentioned earlier who is struggling with the recent discover of his wife's affair and he's working through things. I hope to get together with him either Monday or Tuesday.
On an "it's completely irrelevent" note - I thought recently and then checked - and CL didn't send me a Happy Birthday or lurk that I could see on any social media things I've done in months. I think that is well and truly in my rear view mirror with no hurt feeling or drama. I like her. I'm glad that it faded away in this fashion. We'll undoubtedly run in to each other here and there as time passes. B is of course fully aware of all this.
I just want to say what a nice touch those flowers you sent to the room were. Really thoughtful and considerate and sweet... doodler was poking some fun at you earlier and while obviously exaggerated he’s right that you’ve got game Andrew! I said this before, these guys should be reading your book on how to do it right.
Minor update. Over actual Sunday Supper (steak, mushrooms, potatoes and gravy) I mentioned to S24 that B will probably be stopping by regularly and that all I expected from him was politeness. That got me a big smile and a "no problem".
Many many dishes now to be done.
Sounds magica! High five!
Giggling here. A colleague popped in to my office a few minutes ago. "How was your weekend"? She asks - I say great. What did you do at (insert name of resort) because you don't ski? She asks. I sit there dumbfounded as to what to say with my mouth literally hanging open while she stares at me waiting for an answer. After a bit I say "we had a lovely time".
While I've got this post open I may just touch on a few things.
B mentioned again this morning how happy she is with her flowers and how much all of her sisters and best friends love them too. AndrewP did good I think.
B and I are being fairly slow (for us) and deliberate about letting people know about "us". Her mother knows - and B told me - highly approves - so even without B telling them - which she has - all of her siblings, their spouses and probably several random people know along with all her children but not her step kids who aren't really part of her life any more. I've told a few people, close friends and much of my family as well. We talked about this. She did say that she is worried about a number of the grand-children and nieces and nephews who don't even know that she's split from her STBX and wants to carefully manage that so that it's not too much of a shock to them to find out that "Poppa" isn't with her and that someone else is. That's good. I did say that I would have been worried if I were a "secret" which has happened to me in the past.
Her STBX who it seems talks to her a fair amount has been guessing that she has someone but doesn't know specifics. I think he just expects her to be around and to do much of his adulting for him which she has been cutting back on. She does say that he has suffered from depression for many years and even without his two affairs that she knows of because he rubbed it in her face still treats her like an "appliance". She is somewhat worried about him being suicidal because that is a card that he plays fairly often but knows that she's not able to save him any more. He swings I believe between telling her that she "has" to find someone new and move on with her life to bemoaning that she's gone.
B was very surprised at what I accepted in my former marriage. How I was "not allowed" this or that even on minor things. She was also very surprised at the lack of passion my ex showed throughout my marriage.
We also talked about some trips that she has in mind and that I do and we agree that there are things like for example the trip I want to take this fall to Madrid that she probably wouldn't enjoy and that we will certainly do those sorts of things alone. She's never been to museums and galleries and both of us believe that she wouldn't enjoy them although she is willing to try - we may go to a local heritage centre sometime soon as a trial but I expect her to be bored. I do think that going forward that I'll borrow a handful of grand-kids (she has 12) from time to time to go to this place or that undoubtedly with B assisting in managing the herd but taking no active interest herself.
It's become plain to me that B is not good with money and she is well aware of this too. She likes the fact that I am and that when we talk about maybe taking a trip that I bring up the budget, saving and making priorities. Her first husband flipped houses and then squandered the profits away. Husband #2 (of 22 years) retired early, bought lots and lots of big expensive toys, moved her to a cottage "up north" and blew through money with renovations, and as far as I can tell they essentially were rather broke. B says that there is no way that he can buy her out of the house and that he complains a lot about being tossed out on the street when they eventually sell. The clock is ticking on that as their mortgage comes up within 2 years. B says she has lousy credit and had to file a consumer proposal after she left and doesn't understand what that means other than she couldn't get a car loan. There's still a mortgage on the marital home I know and I expect that it's pretty big. Most of the toys have been sold off. Certainly all the boats although B says that she has a canoe that she wants to use but rarely did that she'll be getting one of her boys to pick up this summer for her.
Because B is under that consumer proposal and is in fact working on saving for things and probably can't get credit I don't think she's in any danger of digging herself a deeper hole. She has I think learned her lesson about money quite some time ago but perhaps felt helpless in the face of the "man" blowing through cash. She is certainly used to being very secondary as far as making decisions but was used to being the one who got stuff done.
We were talking about cars and the fact that I'll probably need a new one sooner rather than later. She was surprised that I am wanting a modest, fuel efficient car rather than one that was "loaded". I think that I surprise her in that while I do have a small number of very nice "things" that posessions aren't a priority for me. She was also surprised when she commented on the setting of one of her very pretty and unique rings might be loose that I suggested she take it in to "my" jeweler.
She does have a couple of inheritances coming up soon as well as whatever equity comes her way when the divorce comes through and said that she wants me to help her figure out what to do. I'm pretty reluctant on that as it is literally none of my business but when the time comes I think that I will offer some advice but have three conditions. First - if she doesn't understand what I'm suggesting then she's not to do it. Secondly - if she doesn't agree with what I'm suggesting then she's not to do it. And finally if she does agree to my suggestions, she's to take those to another trusted friend and get independent verification before acting on anything.
I do think though that if this does continue to progress that I'll certainly need to fire-wall my own financial situation from her's. I've sent a quick note to my regular lawyer asking if it's something that he can assist with in due course. I do know that I don't know enough about this sort of stuff but whether with B or someone else, I'll need proper advice from a professional. From what B has said before, it's her expectation that her finances with her STBX are segregated and any legacies on her side will be going directly to her kids and his to his kids. She's never suggested any co-mingling nor "us" spending money here or there. It's always her and what she feels she can afford on her own.
But over-all I am very very happy both with B and how things are progressing. It feels so right and so comfortable most of the time. The time we spent together certainly was so very comfortable. I still get insecure thinking that this is just too good to be true and waiting for something nasty to pop up (waves to Ginger) and also do still feel myself holding back and feeling that if I needed to that this is something I could walk away from. We still have a very long way to go.
Holding back is something I am currently struggling with A. It makes me nervous to put myself out there, to express myself, be vulnerable, and to just let it flow. I guess it is part of post D life IDK and entering into a new R. I feel very in control of my emotions which I didn't feel before with some of the others so maybe that is good thing. Maybe slowly coming out of my shell at my pace is ok. I feel better when I express myself but I have a hard time doing it if that makes sense.
Makes perfect sense to me J9. The others you've mentioned in recent times - sorry - I wasn't following along all that closely - certainly were love-bombing to a degree and not giving you a chance to breathe. Whether that was desperation or just "them" we can't really say.
I'm not feeling very in control of my own emotions all the time - but certainly most of the time. Even though I can feel the intensity of B's affection she also I think is purposely giving me some space and time.
You might be doing a better job than you realize. Truthfully at this juncture I need space to breathe and I think I made her a little mad yesterday by not going over to her house last night after her son went to bed. They can probably sense our hesitation a bit but I was just trying to be true to myself. I was wiped out and in bed asleep by 8 pm last night.
The intensity of their affection can be a little overwhelming at times especially after being in MR that the other person wanted out of. The DR was also in a sexless marriage for 10 years with her XH that had ED problems. She said she never cheated on him once but I think she is making up for lost time. It is a struggle to keep up (no pun intended).
J9 - Maybe you need to have a chat with her and set some boundaries? I'm fortunate that neither B nor I have too much in the way of kid responsibilities. Certainly those come first. But we also know that we have things to do and people to see outside of each other. There was one person I was involved with who would text me "you can call me if you like" which translated to "why the h@ll aren't you already on the phone"
With B the conversation was "sounds great but I have to check to see if it doesn't conflict with my other plans" from her. Similarly I've told her that - hey - I've got to get my ironing done.
As far as your last point on there - I don't use and don't want to use anything to perform better. So - B was after things went as expected a bit disappointed for the lack of a quick encore but then very understanding and then after somewhat of a wait pretty happy. To quote June Carter Cash during the San Quentin concert - "This is as s@xy as I'm a gonna git". If she only wants you for one thing, she's not wanting you at all. A key reason why I held back for well over a month.
Well TBH there have been a few times were it took me a bit to get warmed up for the big performance so I have not always shown up at attention ready to go. I bet being open and honest with her helped relieve some pressure from you? I got nervous because of her being married to a guy who had ED issues. I didn't want her to think oh boy here we go again. Although when it did take me a bit she was ok with it even though I felt a little embarrassed. she was actually very sweet and said we all have our days sometimes.
I was actually very honest with her, told her I was going to decline her invitation due to my reasons. She seemed ok with it and she very well still could be mad but after I told her I was not going to come over I thought to myself. Should I be declining invitations this early on???? Truthfully it made sense to me and I guess in the back of my mind I knew I was going to see her on Wednesday so I thought it's just a couple of days so no big deal. Like you said though she is a huntress and has me in her cross hairs.
I probably should have told her early on that I may have some performance issues due to anxiety. I never had 1 issue with my XW but the last girl got in my head a bit. Truthfully I don't need the assistance I just wouldn't walk in the door ready to go. I would just need some time to relax so I could mentally get in the moment.
With our kids we just can't see each other when we want so when we went out Saturday it was the first time that I had seen her since last Sunday. So she might have been thinking we have limited time so why is he turning down an opportunity. Again I probably got 4 hrs of sleep on Saturday night, just got done having my girls for a week, wanted to get up and go to the gym this morning so I just wanted to get a good nights sleep, relax and I knew if I went over there I would be up late again and not able to wake up. Plus we had already been intimate twice Sat night once Sun morning, I had seen her at the gym later that day and Johnny was spent.
I bet being open and honest with her helped relieve some pressure from you? I got nervous because of her being married to a guy who had ED issues. I didn't want her to think oh boy here we go again. Although when it did take me a bit she was ok with it even though I felt a little embarrassed. she was actually very sweet and said we all have our days sometimes.
I felt a bit bad for her because she was so keen and absolutely I felt embarrassed but we did other stuff for a while. She had a lovely cheese and red pepper dip that she brought. Very tasty. Down doodler - down
But I've also been very upfront about the fact that I am far more interested in her heart, spirit and mind than in her curves - as lovely as they are to me. She is a late middle-aged woman who has had 4 kids after all.
Should I be declining invitations this early on???? Truthfully it made sense to me and I guess in the back of my mind I knew I was going to see her on Wednesday so I thought it's just a couple of days so no big deal. Like you said though she is a huntress and has me in her cross hairs.
You're overthinking things again J9.
A big thing for me is being honest and open. I am also wanting to ensure that the person she sees now is the person that potentially she'll see years from now. So we do lots of "normal" things which I know is tougher with kids. Harder to just wander around a flea market for the afternoon.
I'm not sure that I'm specifically addressing your questions J9 but - IMO - if you've got to worry about details like these you may lose sight of the bigger picture.
You did A and I get it. I don't want to mis-represent myself either and I suppose when the time is right I will come clean. I hope as I become more comfortable it just becomes a non-issue.
Sadly we don't get to do a lot of normal things due to the kids. So it is either out to dinner or meeting up after kids go to bed which is all about sex. I don't have my girls this week but she her son every night and even this weekend and she has no one that will watch her kid all day and night. The next time we will have a full weekend together is at the end of April so it's tough to walk hand in hand and connect outside of the bedroom or knowing that it going to lead to sex.
M and I see each other maybe once or twice a week. We have full time jobs, kids, responsibilities, and my child schedule resembles the Dr.’s. And sometimes I’ll invite him over but he wants to go sleep at a reasonable time or is just really tired, or has stuff to do, or probably just wants to sleep in his own bed. And while I might be disappointed about that, I am never mad about it. Mad and disappointed are two different things. Disappointed is having your feelings while understanding. If she is mad, she is being selfish.
What are “normal” things? You can do normal things. M was a doll starting to date me while buying a house. He helped me move, got my hardwood, helped with some things around the house...... then I would treat him to dinner. And yeah, when we stay over each other’s house, we have sex. We only see each other once or twice a week. But it doesn’t make it not normal. We do toga together sometimes, we like to order in sushi together. I cook for him sometimes. Have you had an at home date on the weekends? Maybe you guys just need that.
Things are different now, J. We are adults with kids, jobs, responsibilities, houses of our own, and things we do for our selves. Dating is very different like this. You’ll get used to it. I think you did the absolute right thing by not going over. And giving the honest reason. We all need to recharge sometimes.
I think I if you accept that dating now is different than in your 20’s , you’ll adapt a little better
.
Sorry, I didn’t realize I wasn’t posting on J’s thread.
Andrew, I love you, but you aren’t taking anything slow. You are a rocket already saying “we haven’t talked about combinging finances” why are you even thinking of that!
Don’t get ahead of yourselves. Please. Live in the moment and don’t fast forward to financially protecting yourself!!!
I’m glad you had a lovely weekend. I’ll always remind you of the wonderous position you are in to be in zero rush and live in the moment and not having to worry about anyone else but yourselves in this R
Thanks Ginger. I'll accept that as the hug that you mean it to be.
As doodler and many others have pointed out, I am vulnerable because I do bring a lot of tangible things to the table. It's not very romantic but I want to be sure to keep myself safe. I am very fond of B but I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone again with my future. And we all know what a soft touch and fixer I have a tendency to be.
It is sad in some ways that we can't just take people at face value and trust their words or even their actions. I can thank my ex-wife for that particular lesson.
From what B has said before, it's her expectation that her finances with her STBX are segregated and any legacies on her side will be going directly to her kids and his to his kids.
Her
expectation? Doesn't she know? Don't they have wills or trusts? If not, she better get on it quick.
Agree with the others - while a prenup would be an excellent idea for you, notifying your lawyer this early in the gme is a little over the top.
Yeah kml - I personally believe that B is far too trusting of a man who has proven multiple times that he can't be trusted not to mention his current infatuation who probably sees the lake house and all the expensive toys not knowing the truth.
And to be clear - I am only educating myself and not acting on anything. I never want to be in a situation ever again where I am exposed to risks - of any sort - that I don't know how to deal with.
To me, this is an exercise in identifying the red and yellow flags I see and making rational choices about how I will deal with them.
I read a project management study quite some time ago which talked about the idea of doing a "pre-mortem" to identify what could go wrong. The advantage being that the patient is still alive while you do this. I try to make this a regular practice in both my professional and personal life.
Perhaps the worst thing that has happened to me in this journey is the loss of my innocence and trust in people.
And no - no details will be provided here other than to say that very honest conversations were had about being prudent and safe and it's all good.
OMG dude! I was totally stoked to hear some titillating tales of gyrations, pelvic thrusts and wild@ss gymnastics, but all I get is crickets? I'd spent weeks preparing for the big event; I had my popcorn, 3D glasses and Pee Wee Herman raincoat, and all I get is nada? That's totally like a gnarly dick drag bro.
OMG dude! I was totally stoked to hear some titillating tales of gyrations, pelvic thrusts and wild@ss gymnastics, but all I get is crickets? I'd spent weeks preparing for the big event; I had my popcorn, 3D glasses and Pee Wee Herman raincoat, and all I get is nada? That's totally like a gnarly dick drag bro.
And since J9 started hanging out here his thread has degenerated into talking about hand holding and going for long walks. You just can't get a break can you.
And since J9 started hanging out here his thread has degenerated into talking about hand holding and going for long walks. You just can't get a break can you.
Apparently J9 is a pinko communist. The next thing you'll hear from him is that he likes pina coladas and taking walks in the rain. Romance is so disgusting.
LOL!!! It was actually national Margarita Day not too long ago
Sounds like you and B had a lovely weekend get-away. Nice touch on the flowers. I know some would disagree, but I always think flowers are a lovely and appropriate thing. You don't have to spend tons of money on big, fancy rose bouquets. There are tons of different varieties of flowers that make lovely bouquets with which to surprise someone, so I think having them in the room when you all arrived was a super romantic touch. I would've been bowled over by that move. Nice!
Yet again burning through another thread faster than anticipated. Thank you to everyone who has been helping me here, outside here, and those who are riding along silently. I wasn't sure if I had much to say on my "official" cadence but thinking about it earlier, yeah there are a few things.
Dear diary:
I had to have a conversation with S24 yesterday. On Tuesday morning as I was leaving for work the whole house smelled like pot. We've talked before and I know that he partakes and he's an adult and all that sort of stuff. I told him that the smell through the house was rather stronger than I liked. Since we were standing in the doorway to his bedroom about 12 hours later the smell was really strong there still and he said that he closes the vents, turns on his fan and puts a towel by the door but agreed that yes - it was a bit strong. All very polite and respectful on both parts. On a good note, the case of girl guide cookies that I bought seems to be going down with $5 bills being deposited for each missing box. I hope he leaves enough for me to take to his sister in a few weeks.
I heard through the grape-vine that my ex had gone away on a trip recently and suspect that while B and I were away that she and S24 met up. He has a new purchase that he wouldn't have gotten without access to a car. I thought that since he didn't emerge from his room when I got home on Sunday for some time that he was perhaps down but he seemed cheerful especially once I started cooking.
I realized this morning that I have to get my butt in gear and get organized for my trip. My hotels were booked a while ago. I'm going to be stopping on the way down in Maryland, possibly having lunch in DC in a cafe that I've wanted to go to for some time and then on to Norfolk. The drive home I'm planning to do in one shot. This will quite possibly be my last and if not last then second last trip there before the kids move to San Diego.
I usually do my banking on Saturdays and the week before I want to take B to the local maple syrup festival but probably will pick up my American money that morning.
Things are still good with B. And yes the ILU has been returned (dodges 2X4 barrage). TBH I'm not feeling as strongly as I perhaps should have before saying it, but it is certainly there. I felt it important to let her know that before our weekend away so that she would know that it's not about the sex. The major thing here as opposed to a literal life-time away when I met my ex is that I still have a fair number of trust issues that are holding me back. I have no expectation that she will contemplate going back to her STBX but she does seem to have a hard time letting go of many things in her past life except it would appear him. And even that is a bit of an issue as she still is doing some adulting for him. And this bothers me more than I will admit to her. I can't put myself forward on that beyond suggesting that she does need to eventually let go and that there is risk in letting it drag out. But she - probably reasonably - misses her puppy who wasn't able to come with her, the lake-front house and the "stuff" that was there. She still refers to it as "my house" although less and less over time. On the weekend we scrolled through what I can see on her Facebook account and she told me stories about a number of the pictures and was horrified that some of them were seen. It was very nice of her to share and really provided a lot of depth and colour to her personality and past.
As kml once wrote to me though - I don't want someone in my life who can easily discard. I want someone who cares and nurtures. It makes a huge amount of sense but does like any medication, come with side effects.
B I think is fully in the grips of limerence. The flowers I think pushed her rather far over the edge because she has gotten a lot of validation from her sisters and friends on that.
Her kids and friends are now pushing fairly strongly to meet me and I've told her that I'm now OK with that. I think first it will be her one son who will be changing her snow tires off for her and storing them. There's also her best friend and her husband who I bear a truly uncanny resemblance to both physically and with common interests who we will be visiting when they get back from their vacation.
I've learned more about B's past and what makes her tick. She left high school early to be a hair dresser, got married young and started to fire out kids. Good Catholic girl. Husband #1 was a jerk according to her and with accompanying swear words according to her 91 year old mother. Her youngest was 4 and I think she was alone for a bit but certainly hunted down husband #2 within a couple of years and was with him for 22. By her account he wasn't a very good father or partner and was depressed a lot of the time with anger issues and threats of suicide. I think she walked on eggshells a lot. She did say that one of his excuses for cheating was a lack of sex - which considering last weekend I find rather surprising given her enthusiasm which seemed to be about both an "us" but certainly about her too. (down doodler). She has said that as a former hair-dresser that she would be happy to trim my ear hair - I've declined as politely as possible
She certainly paid attention to my recent haircut and will probably offer to do the next one. She does still cut hair for some of her family but I think I'll keep going to see my barber of 30 years.
She was certainly dating towards the end of her in-house separation so I don't think took much of a break except for the 5 or 6 months before we connected. This is where some of my concerns and trust issues come in as I fully know (now) the importance of finding yourself before you look for someone else. She doesn't seem to define herself by her relationships though if that comment makes sense. She does define herself as a mother and grandmother and through her work that she is very proud of.
One very interesting thing to me is how her appearance can change depending on her mood. When she's being thoughtful or just at rest her face looks like the age that she is. When she's happy 10 years fall right off. When she's - ahem - really really happy there goes at least another 5. Her OLD photo I had assumed and mentioned to her that it must be at least a couple of years old but it was from her son's wedding last fall. She looks mid 40s there some of which is undoubtedly good professional photography.
We're getting together after I'm done work (she's done mid-afternoon) and will go for a wander around the hiking trails and probably have a light dinner out. This weekend she's got some baking to do and since her apartment kitchen is sub-standard she's going to either her mom's or daughter's on the Saturday. We might go out on the Sunday but no plans as yet. I'm fully expecting that sometime in the next few weeks - maybe before our separate trips in mid April but undoubtedly soon after that an extra tooth-brush will be left in my bathroom. If she tries to quickly take over - that's going to not be accepted. Le sigh - trust issues.
I totally understand your struggle with trust issues. I struggled with that myself and had some pretty tall walls up at first. In fact, one person I dated commented on it several times. Of course, part of the problem there was he was kind of feeding into the trust issue because he was saying one thing and doing another, so I had to let that one go, but I digress.
My XH was a so-called "nice guy" who had all those "nice guy" qualities and I have always been more drawn to those types of guys than bad boys. So, when Mr. Nice Guy dropped me like a hot potato without so much as an inkling it was coming, it seriously damaged my ability to trust moving forward. In fact, it is one of the main reasons I sought counseling. I didn't want a huge trust issue to stand in the way of my ability to love again, if it was meant for me.
It is still sometimes a struggle, but for me, it is something that I sometimes have to step back and take a deep breath and really think about what it is that has my hackles up and then decide if it is really a trust thing or if it is something else. From the things you have said about B, I would not be overly surprised if she tried to "take over quickly" as you put it, but I also get the sense that if you set boundaries, she might push them, but she won't overstep them. I think I get the impression, from the fact that you keep saying she does a good bit of adulting for her STBX husband, that she is one of those women who likes to wear the pants in her family and she's one of those "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" types (I HATE that phrase, by the way, but I do recognize people who are that way). I am sorry if any of that sounds negative towards B because I don't mean for it too. I'm sure she's a lovely lady and I'm tickled that you have found her and you are both enjoying your time together. It just strikes me, based on your description, that she likes to be in control and you are ok with that, so her taking over quickly or at least trying to wouldn't really be out of character for her.
I really wish y'all nothing but the best.
It just strikes me, based on your description, that she likes to be in control and you are ok with that, so her taking over quickly or at least trying to wouldn't really be out of character for her.
I really wish y'all nothing but the best.
Thanks Dawn - I just wanted to respond to this. B has commented numerous times about how she was just so sick and tired of doing for others and she's very happy about the fact that I've been doing most of the planning and making most of the things happen. My worry has in part been in the opposite direction that she'll expect me to do the adulting for her like when her inheritances come in or worse to rescue her from whatever troubles she may have. Others have warned me about this too and I'm paying close attention. I was a bit surprised yesterday when she mentioned in passing that she has started making her lunch the night before rather than just grabbing "whatever" and was following my lead on that. I've also heard some of the more common WAW phrases like "it's time for me" and such-like.
Will her past tendencies re-assert? No way to tell. Would I be fine with that? Certainly - with boundaries that I've been doing my best with thus far. After-all I was married to a controlling, dominating woman for more than half my life and this is a walk in the park in comparison. I joked to a friend a while ago that the rider may have fallen off but this old horse still knows how to trot.
And to B that she should consider herself lucky that she's getting the guy who is already trained and who can cook and clean. She seems highly in favour of that.
Yo A...….I would have no problem signing a pre-nup if things progressed to that level with the DR. IMO if she is the right type of person she would have no problems with it either.
Andrew,
After reading Dawn's post to you, it caused me to reflect on my past relationship with my wife (now XW) during our marriage. I can't really codify all of my thoughts and feelings right now, but I understand what Dawn is trying to say (and Dawn is both brave and eloquent). I think Dawn and I have similar concerns. I think B loves you very much, as she well should, because you bring a lot of very desirable and formidable qualities to the table. And, B has something to offer as well; her love and affection. But, B has a lot of baggage. You may have some baggage, but she has a ton of baggage; probably more than you know. I have no doubt about the love between the two of you, but she has the ability to, totally unwittingly, create a lot of misery in your life. Be careful.
It just strikes me, based on your description, that she likes to be in control and you are ok with that, so her taking over quickly or at least trying to wouldn't really be out of character for her.
I really wish y'all nothing but the best.
Thanks Dawn - I just wanted to respond to this. B has commented numerous times about how she was just so sick and tired of doing for others and she's very happy about the fact that I've been doing most of the planning and making most of the things happen. My worry has in part been in the opposite direction that she'll expect me to do the adulting for her like when her inheritances come in or worse to rescue her from whatever troubles she may have. Others have warned me about this too and I'm paying close attention. I was a bit surprised yesterday when she mentioned in passing that she has started making her lunch the night before rather than just grabbing "whatever" and was following my lead on that. I've also heard some of the more common WAW phrases like "it's time for me" and such-like.
Will her past tendencies re-assert? No way to tell. Would I be fine with that? Certainly - with boundaries that I've been doing my best with thus far. After-all I was married to a controlling, dominating woman for more than half my life and this is a walk in the park in comparison. I joked to a friend a while ago that the rider may have fallen off but this old horse still knows how to trot.
And to B that she should consider herself lucky that she's getting the guy who is already trained and who can cook and clean. She seems highly in favour of that.
To me, the difference between things like "it's time for me" and being tired of "doing for others" is VASTLY different from actually relinquishing control and stopping that doing for others. I would bet that not only does she adult for STBX but she adults for the son who lives with her. I mean, you are probably more in tune with her on that, since your adult son lives with you, but my first thought when you mentioned it was why does a grown man with children of his own still live with his mother? Not saying there may not be a very good reason and likely there is and I'm certainly not saying there is anything wrong with her being a doting mother, wife, etc, but I just wonder if she can really let go of doing for others in favor of doing for herself or if she is happy doing for others but just fusses about it as a way to gain some sort of acknowledgement that she does it. I think you have a lot going for you, a lot to offer B. I think she, in turn, has a lot to offer you as well and I think likely she is a much "softer" woman than your XW was, but that doesn't mean that she won't snap you back into line if/when she sees fit. I agree with doodler that she probably has a LOT more baggage than you realize and I also wonder if the fact that she hasn't completely disengaged herself from her house and her STBX is that she LIKES having someone to fuss over. A man such as yourself who can do it all for himself and by himself doesn't require as much fussing over and that may difficult for her to sustain over time. She loves it now and I get that. H3ll, I would love it too because while I don't necessarily think I always have to wear the pants in my relationship, I'm a HUGE planner and all of my serious relationships have typically deferred to me in the planning department. Even my best friend does it and he and I aren't even in a romantic relationship. He doesn't do it as much now that Sparky is in the pic, but before Sparky came along, he would call me in the middle of the week and ask if WE had any plans for the weekend, as though I was his social secretary, making his plans for him.
Again, I really hope all of this doesn't come across as negative because I'm really not trying to be. While I think she is probably a mother hen type, I also think that she is probably funny, sweet, obviously caring, and most importantly you seem pretty smitten with her and she seems pretty smitten with you so those are all good things. Like doodler said, just be careful. Don't let the emotional high cloud your judgment. If your XW was controlling, this is nothing new to you, but I just want you to protect your heart.
She has a lot of baggage just because she has a depressed unfaithful ex and they haven't sold their home yet? That really doesn't seem like a lot to me.
The truth is, most people our age have some baggage or history. You have to distinguish between stuff that just is, or is resolving, and stuff you can't live with. It really doesn't sound like she is a risk to go back to her ex, just that she's a little too kind (or co-dependent) to force him out on the street.
I get it. CMM is crazy jealous of my exes and super bummed if I have any contact with crazy exBF. But he IS a human being, one who was mostly nice to me despite his lies and craziness, and he almost died last month in the hospital from a pulmonary embolism. I have literally NO interest in ever being with him again, but if his pharmacy sends me a refill request for a medicine that I know is lifesaving for him and I know he's having trouble accessing healthcare, I will refill it. What kind of person would I be if I didn't?
And speaking of baggage - I have two of my adult sons living with me as well as my 87 year old mother. Anybody who wants to be with me has to be ok with that. I don't expect that to be ok with everybody, but I'm a package deal and if you want to enjoy my company you have to deal with that.
The crazy exBF did have a good attitude about that - someone told him early on that if he loved me, he needed to love my family and to his credit he figured out how to appreciate my Asperger's son.
CMM struggles more with it all because he's very rigid and OCD and has his own ideas about what he thinks my sons should be doing - he doesn't understand the backstory or the depth of their mental health issues and I have to keep telling him that my relationship with my sons is none of his business.
Interestingly, only one of the men that I dated since my divorce had kids that I interacted with. That was the first guy, who had two kids in their early 30's and he was an excellent father to them and I am still friends with his kids on Facebook (I think they liked me better than the old high school girlfriend he dumped me for).
Most of the rest didn't have children. Mr Big Lots had grown daughters and one around 12 but I never met them (we didn't date that long and I only met his mother once or twice). CMM has grown daughters but they are estranged. So to be fair, I haven't really had to deal with any of my dates' baggage in so far as their kids go. But I would never presume to tell any parent what to do with their child.
She has a lot of baggage just because she has a depressed unfaithful ex and they haven't sold their home yet? That really doesn't seem like a lot to me.
For starters...
She's still married. She has an elderly, apparently dependent mother, and a dependent son who has his own dependencies. She has health issues. Income? Savings? Debt? A place to live after her divorce?
Andrew is a wonderful man and he deserves a wonderful woman. B may be that woman, but I think there's good reason to take it slow and steady. I don't think B has any malicious intent, but I think Andrew does have a lot to offer.
And speaking of baggage - I have two of my adult sons living with me as well as my 87 year old mother. Anybody who wants to be with me has to be ok with that. I don't expect that to be ok with everybody, but I'm a package deal and if you want to enjoy my company you have to deal with that.
The crazy exBF did have a good attitude about that - someone told him early on that if he loved me, he needed to love my family and to his credit he figured out how to appreciate my Asperger's son.
CMM struggles more with it all because he's very rigid and OCD and has his own ideas about what he thinks my sons should be doing - he doesn't understand the backstory or the depth of their mental health issues and I have to keep telling him that my relationship with my sons is none of his business.
I agree, everyone has baggage and it just how they handle it. I saw a quote one time that said I can handle someone else's baggage as long as they carry it well. I'm not even close to suggesting that B has baggage that Andrew can't handle, but he himself has pointed out her issues with STBX, her son living with her, and a few other things that ARE baggage. It doesn't seem like a lot to you, but to me, it seems like a lot. But, we are all different people with our own set of baggage. What is stressful and difficult to me might be a cakewalk to you and vice versa.
As far as your sons living with you, kml, that may or may not be different from B's situation, because I'm not sure Andrew has ever said why her son lives with her. I understand, in your case, it is because of your sons' health issues and in that case, I understand an adult still living at home. They require your assistance, care, structure, etc. And, of course, your mother living with you is just what we, as good children, should do...take care of those who brought us into this world and took care of us. That is why I'm fine with Sparky's mom living with us. It isn't my first choice, but I also understand he's an only child and responsibility for her care as she gets older falls solely on him and I can either accept that or not. My comments about B's son likely sounded judgy and I didn't mean for them to. Everyone has their own reasons for how they do things and I'm not even asking Andrew to provide a reason. I was merely trying to point out that there may be a reason that the son lives with B or it may just be that B is a mother hen who doesn't want to let that particular chick out of the nest yet and if the latter is the case, she likely chooses to take care of him and adult for him.
I have nothing against people taking care of their family and I think B's attitude is probably typical of our generation in that women do tend to be more of the caretaker in the family, but from the outside looking in, I just want Andrew to make sure his eyes are open so that he doesn't end up in the same situation he was in with his XW where he has a woman who is totally in control to the point that he just spends his time acquiescing to everything and not being true to himself.
Andrew is a wonderful man and he deserves a wonderful woman. B may be that woman, but I think there's good reason to take it slow and steady. I don't think B has any malicious intent, but I think Andrew does have a lot to offer.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WHAT DOODLER SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm definitely a member of the Andrew fan club and I think B is a lovely choice for Andrew, based on what he's said about her, but I just want Andrew to be careful.
Wow - I'm overwhelmed.
But, B has a lot of baggage. You may have some baggage, but she has a ton of baggage; probably more than you know.
Yep - the unknown unknowns. She's been incredibly honest and open about her past - but still .... Yeah
you are probably more in tune with her on that, since your adult son lives with you, but my first thought when you mentioned it was why does a grown man with children of his own still live with his mother? Not saying there may not be a very good reason
Let's just say that it's not by choice for either of them - and that there are issues that I won't get in to here. There is a specific sunset date set of June and her obligations end.
And yes - she is a bit of a mother hen and I feel quite spoiled around her and am liking it. I think she likes that she can fuss because she wants to and not because she has to. I think in some ways that she would be a bit lost if there wasn't someone she could fuss over. Good thing she has 12 grandchildren.
I have to keep telling him that my relationship with my sons is none of his business.
I've made that very clear too as has she on both sides.
She has a lot of baggage just because she has a depressed unfaithful ex and they haven't sold their home yet? That really doesn't seem like a lot to me.
It is more than I expected but then again I'm an amateur at this and have to take a run at dealing with it. I think I'm good as long as I continue to not be involved in any way. She's got 3 boys and a daughter who can help her with any interactions if she needs help.
Check - issue for me. If she had her property settlement and such even without the divorce it would be a major improvement for me.
She has an elderly, apparently dependent mother, and a dependent son who has his own dependencies. She has health issues. Income? Savings? Debt? A place to live after her divorce?
LOL - her mother is probably more independent than either of us living alone out at the lake. And she has 8 children who fuss over her all the time not to mention grandchildren. Her health issues don't seem to impact her. Yes - some kidney issues that she's on top of. Arthritis - because mid-50s. Income modest. Savings - doodly squat including an unknown to me and none of my business upcoming inheritance (her Mom is 91) and whatever she gets out of the marital estate. She's assuming that she'll get a slice of her STBX's pension too - none of my business. Debt - unknown but under control because of her consumer proposal. Place to live - she left the marital home quite some time ago. First lived with her mother and now with her son for as I mentioned above - complicated reasons. She is looking around for a new apartment but one of her choices is pretty obvious to both of us but has been deliberately not discussed. The son is not dependent on her and actually is spending most of his time with his girlfriend / soon to be fiance. She has one other son living locally who would probably be happy for "Nona" to stay there for a while.
Thanks everyone for making sure that I look at all of this while keeping the judging to a dull roar.
I meant to ask you the other day if you are familiar with "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"?
I meant to ask you the other day if you are familiar with "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"?
I can't say as I am familiar either with the short story or the film adaptations. I did do some random googling based on that and other than the fact that I do dream quite vividly didn't really find anything of interest.
The author's name might not mean anything to you, but it might have some significance to me.
Grrrr - annoying day at work. Last minute requests for data does not make me a happy lad. I also learned that an elderly former colleague is on stress leave as he's not handling the stress of the transition of the corporate changes well. I was very sad to hear that. He was a kind gentleman who is very competent at his job working with different municipalities.
I did have a lovely walk and dinner with B last night. Sadly I think that the desert that we had more than wiped out any calories we burned walking.
She's going to be working on her baking probably at her daughter's house on Friday night / Saturday and suggested that she stop by on her way home and drop off a care package. I mentioned it to S24 with a broad hint that he make himself scarce which got me an understanding smile.
After some far too delicate tap-dancing around the issue via messages between B and I later, the plan is that she will need a toothbrush the following morning. I think she (and perhaps I) am more nervous about this than last weekend. It should be good though. Sadly I only have instant coffee and she always has to have her cup in the morning but I'll maybe bring the instant and a kettle up.
It's funny though how we were so focused on not pressuring the other that it got very confusing.
Stress leave? Is this something you Canadians made up? How do I get that implemented here? I NEED it. LOL
I don't know how you Yankees do stuff...especially Canadian Yankees...because y'all are a whole other breed, but I don't know why you would expect her to bring a toothbrush to scrub your bathroom tiles on the first sleepover at your house. That seems kind of rude to me.
...toothbrush to scrub your bathroom tiles...
No, no, no...
You've got it all wrong. It's pork and kraut night at Andrew's house. Brushing helps freshen the breath after noshing on the pork.
Andrew,
I thought you were purchasing a brand new toothbrush and would have it in the bathroom for her use. OMG! I have about died laughing at the idea of scrubbing your bathroom tiles and the pork and kraut night at your house.
Are you going to suggest that she bring her own coffee machine over to your house too? She may just get the idea that you are slowly moving her in one item at a time.
Tread lightly my friend. She may get the wrong idea completely! LOL!
Stress leave? Is this something you Canadians made up?
Ya know I was thinking what in the heck when I saw that as well. Is this really what this World is coming to? Companies have been merging and things have been stressful in LIFE forever. Sometimes companies merge and you are OUT OF A JOB - how's that for a stress leave? Then again with stress dogs and safe rooms and high school students needing to go pet dogs prior to taking an exam, yeah, of course, stress leave, sure... Only a matter of time I'm sure until one of the Washington DC crazies create a bill to mandate stress leaves here in the good ole USA. What in the h@ll has happened to this world. I think I need a stress leave just thinking about it!
If there was mental leave here in the US, I’d probably never be at work, lol.
But we actually do have it. I know people who went on leave due to mental issues. Because when they physically affect you here in the US, you can get out of work. I was honestly very close to it when the stress of one of my jobs landed me in the ER with an unglodly blood pressure
But then again, Canada you get a year of maternity leave. When I had my daughter, my c section scat was still fresh when I had to go back to work.
My dog causes me stress. Does that count as a stress dog?
Are you going to suggest that she bring her own coffee machine over to your house too? She may just get the idea that you are slowly moving her in one item at a time.
The way I look at it, I'm not just gaining a girlfriend, I'm also losing a closet
Canada you get a year of maternity leave. When I had my daughter, my c section scat was still fresh when I had to go back to work.
All this is only if you are employed full time. When my kids were born we were both working freelance and my wife's clients were fortunately accommodating and she could bring a playpen in with her until they were old enough for day care.
Oh my. Did I accidentally parent well?
S24 comes home while I'm doing the dishes. He mentions casually that he's not going to be having pot for a while. I tease him about the amount of girl guide cookies consumed.
I remind him that B will probably be stopping by for dinner on Saturday and all I ask is that he be polite. He smiles and a "no problem ". He works on laundry. I mention that I am borrowing his old electric kettle. Do you mind if I ask why he says. B likes coffee in the morning and this way the cats won't be disturbed I say. He laughs, fair enough and wanders away.
We also talked about him maybe going off to work for the summer wherever and have adventures. We agree that there's nothing holding him back. No debt, no lease, supportive family.
Picking my jaw up off the floor. This probably won't last but certainly is to be encouraged.
I hope B likes cats. It will be interesting to see how the cats and B interact w/one another. And...how are you losing a closet? Are you planning for her to move half her clothes in w/you? I think you need to slow things down a notch. I wonder what your "adoptive storage daughter" will think of all of this. After all, she was very straight forward in talking to you previously about your adventures.
I hope everything goes well and everyone has a good time.
Oh my. Did I accidentally parent well?
S24 comes home while I'm doing the dishes. He mentions casually that he's not going to be having pot for a while. I tease him about the amount of girl guide cookies consumed.
I remind him that B will probably be stopping by for dinner on Saturday and all I ask is that he be polite. He smiles and a "no problem ". He works on laundry. I mention that I am borrowing his old electric kettle. Do you mind if I ask why he says. B likes coffee in the morning and this way the cats won't be disturbed I say. He laughs, fair enough and wanders away.
We also talked about him maybe going off to work for the summer wherever and have adventures. We agree that there's nothing holding him back. No debt, no lease, supportive family.
Picking my jaw up off the floor. This probably won't last but certainly is to be encouraged.
Not by accident at all, my friend. You have always been a good dad. I hope your son does go off on an adventure. I think the freedom would do you both a little good.
Job made me laugh with his "adoptive storage daughter" comment. Honestly, when I read the part about losing a closet, I thought, you already have one person's stuff stored there, so what is one more? In fact, I have some things I need to store. May I mail them to you?
I hope B likes cats. It will be interesting to see how the cats and B interact w/one another. And...how are you losing a closet? Are you planning for her to move half her clothes in w/you? I think you need to slow things down a notch. I wonder what your "adoptive storage daughter" will think of all of this. After all, she was very straight forward in talking to you previously about your adventures.
I hope everything goes well and everyone has a good time.
LOL - I expect that in the coming months that the odd thing or three will migrate. 20S won't be consulted
She's occupying the entire front porch and much of one spare room with stuff which will hopefully leave this summer. I will say that I've been spoiled. I could perhaps put a single shirt in each empty drawer that I have and still have room left over. I can hang up all my sweaters and casual shirts right now - they used to live in drawers.
B is aware of the cats but has never co-existed with cats in the past. She has been warned that the cats do treat rules as something to only obey grudgingly and while being monitored
This is different from the more casual dating that I've done in the past - which generally was lunch or time spent with a good friend who happens to be female. B and I do have a specific goal in mind but no specific timeline. When I took the dive in to OLD it was with the intention of finding a longer term partner. I just didn't expect to find one quite so fast and without having to kiss a lot of frogs first. In many ways I like the honesty of this relationship. I'm a very straightforward guy. I do know that there are lots of hurdles to navigate yet and things to be careful of.
Not by accident at all, my friend. You have always been a good dad. I hope your son does go off on an adventure. I think the freedom would do you both a little good.
Job made me laugh with his "adoptive storage daughter" comment. Honestly, when I read the part about losing a closet, I thought, you already have one person's stuff stored there, so what is one more? In fact, I have some things I need to store. May I mail them to you?
If you can beat B to it, I've got plenty of room. Her mother has complained multiple times about the stuff stored at her house and there are things still in the marital home like as I've been told 1/2 of a snowblower that needs to be dealt with
Two of her boys have fairly big properties though that things can be stored at.
I think that a chunk of the credit for S24's attitude last night perhaps belongs to his mother. I think he was out with her. He came home with a take-away container of chicken wings which he wouldn't have gotten in the village. If it is, I'm grateful to her for encouraging him in a positive way
Looks like we're back to play by play again. doodler - do you have your popcorn handy?
Stressed and nervous today prior to B coming over for dinner. I "know" that it will be fine. That she won't be judging me, that S24 will be polite and discrete, the cats will be both adorable and demanding once they get used to her being in the house which will probably take 5 minutes. In some ways to me, this is one of the biggest steps even more so than last weekend. Today she sees me in my natural habitat. Not out and about, or anywhere staged although I will be spending much of the day today cleaning - which she knows. She'll see my shabby but neat home. She'll see the stacks of books (alphebatized by categories. Regular biographies separated from nautical biographies). She'll see my beat up flooring and peeling wallpaper. She'll see the hand-made quilt - eventually quite probably from both sides. She'll see my far too organized sock drawer.
For those playing the AndrewP drinking game - meatloaf on the menu for tonight. B is bringing fresh baking. Take a chug - food has been mentioned.
Without even trying, B accidentally knocked down one of the things that I and many around me have been worried about yesterday. She called me to keep me company as usual as I was driving back from the plastics plant yesterday. She likes talking and I like listening - a good match there. I expect that she spends a lot of her normal time on the phone with her sisters and friends. While she was talking she mentioned how one of her nephews had built some new small duplexes locally and how outraged she was at the prices they were going for. She then mentioned how the local nuclear plant distorts wages because people there get paid a "lot". Her STBX worked there, not sure what as but probably a generic non-office job. The implication was that these salaries were unusual and that others didn't make that kind of money and by (assumption on my part) extension I didn't. Well - I do but only made the appropriate comments to keep the flow of conversation going. In fact my range is similar to a mid-manager at that nuclear plant. Most people who know me, see me and my family and how modestly we live think that we are lower income. I drive a beat-up old car with over 518,000 km on it, the house could certainly use some TLC, there are no "toys". We did have some poor money management habits for much of my marriage and nearly went bankrupt about 15 years ago that caused the modest way we lived to be necessary but that was over and done with well prior to bomb-day. We were on track for a very comfortable middle age and retirement by pretty much anyone's standards.
While I've not kept my income secret and there never has been any issues about going out, our trip last weekend was explicitly tied to the fact that I got a modest tax refund. I talk about budgeting and grumble about sending my ex-wife money and paying for groceries for S24. The reality is that I'm NOT wealthy, have only modest savings and do need to watch if not every penny (no pennies in Canada for years) but at least each quarter. I laugh to remember attending a charity event some years ago to raise money for those who couldn't afford heating oil, I was talking to one of the organizers and mentioned that I empathized with the cause because we had had difficulties making ends meet in the past and she tried to sign me up for the program
I made a donation instead. B does know that I like volunteering although I can't make time these days and that I support a number of charities but I don't think has connected those dots.
I do worry on her side a bit because she is still on her STBX's very generous benefits and expects to get a slice of his pension etc and doesn't believe that will change. There is an obviously (to her and I) gold-digging OW waiting to swoop in if she hasn't already who will undoubtedly push to have all those resources redirected. Not my circus and while B does buy lottery tickets regularly and has the dream of striking it big, she likes the modest retail job she has and seems to fully expect to be working through until retirement although lately she has mirrored my own comments about working past normal retirement age. She's said that she's joked to her co-workers that she has a divorce to pay for.
Ah well - AndrewP overthinking everything again - take another drink people.
I had a bit of a worrisome event on my drive home last night. I ran over something that I initially thought was some mud that clattered against the front passenger wheel well on old Rocinette. A bit later while on the freeway I heard a rattling sound but the car steered fine. Getting off I was able to identify that the noise was related to moving and not engine. I pulled over and fortunately the weather was beautiful and couldn't see anything obvious. I then got my work clothes dirty and laid down and looked more carefully and there, jammed to the inside of the wheel, pressed up against the brake line was a big piece of metal that seemed to be the remains of a wheel housing. I carefully removed it, tossed it in the ditch (litter bug!) and drove the rest of the way home without incident.
Even though it was late and I was tired I thought I'd pick up a couple of beer as usual. The nice young lady who worked there and I had a bit of a chat as usual - yes I'm predictable. She asked about my weekend, I mentioned that I was having B over for dinner and that S24 was to make himself scarce, she laughed. I was very flattered because in the course of conversation I mentioned that I had recently turned 55 and that B was a couple of years older. She seemed startled and said that she thought I was in my early 40s at the oldest. I was very flattered. I asked after her son and if her husband was stepping up to look after him. She got sad and nervous and said that they had split up - he seems put everyone except his wife and son as priorities. I assured her that it was fine to end a marriage if it wasn't working and wasn't a "partnership" and said that she would undoubtedly be a better role model alone for her son than her now STBX would be. I did make a comment too that I hoped she didn't mind that I flirted with her even though I am a different generation than her and she was good and said that she knew my flirting wasn't anything like the creepy flirting she gets from a lot of men. I feel sorry for the lass and wish her well. I did joke that I had a single son who she thought that her 29 was far too old for his 24 and joked that I really shouldn't be "pimping" my own son.
Well - thank you. My stress level is going down. Lots and lots to do. The lamb for this Sunday's supper (take a drink) is ready at the butcher shop. I have an extensive grocery list including picking up treats for D26 and her H that she can't get there. Ketchup potato chips and coffee crisp candy bars on the list. I was going to go to the dump and take in a load of brush but don't think I will. It's raining lightly here. B messaged me this morning that it was an ideal morning to curl up under the covers and snuggle. I like that woman's priorities. We are both up though being responsible. My second load of laundry is in as I'm trying to get lots done before she gets here. B said that she's on round 2 of baking. I believe she's doing more breads and pizza crusts which she does up in advance.
a bien tot mes amis.
Andrew,
Breathe! Everything will fall into place. I hope all goes well and you actually calm down and can enjoy this weekend w/B. If she is the right kind of woman, she won't say a word about your home and the peeling wall paper. Whatever you see as being run down, can always be fixed when you decide to do something about it. She loves you for who you are.
I can't wait to hear how things go this weekend. Most importantly...ENJOY!
Thanks job - I can always count on your calm voice of reason. Quick break from house-cleaning for a sit and a beer. The porcelain and cat boxes is scrubbed and the bathrooms smell like cleanser rather than cat poop. Which I suppose is a good thing. Laundry all done and put away. Fresh flowers out - as is usual on a Saturday.
I did feel very good today when I went in to the flower shop a bit early and FSL - with a huge grin on her face chastised me for having a date and not telling her. And then more so when I said that I'd been dating for a couple of months but wanted to keep it quiet so that people wouldn't be all happy for me and it not work out (thought quick on my feet for that line).
It does make me feel really really good that we are such good friends that she can be honestly happy for me even if perhaps she had been wanting me to date her and that we stay friends.
B is home from her mother's poised to come in to visit. S24 has been up and fed himself and will probably disappear for the rest of the day.
I have some groceries to put away, sweeping to do, clean the kitchen and then the rest is all window dressing. I'll do the dusting and deeper clean of carpets and draperies tomorrow perhaps before I do my ironing. I need to save some of my strength
Hope you have a wonderful evening!
Thanks Westo!
Is everyone enjoying their popcorn?
We had a lovely time. I think she was a bit uncomfortable for a short while but B quickly felt herself at home I think. Of the two cats, Liz seemed attracted while Amy really couldn't care one way or another. B is certainly not at all a cat person but I already suspected that. She did I think go up a few notches in the feline estimation when at breakfast she left the door to the MBR open and both of the girls were found later curled up in the big pile of blankets. Sometimes cats make themselves a nuisance for non-cat people but Liz just hung out on the floor in the general area of B over dinner as if it was perfectly fine that she was there and "oh - is that meatloaf going to fall on the floor?". Which it didn't
We had a nice dinner of meatloaf and mashed potatoes (home game players take a drink). I didn't put on any veg as it was already a lot of food with the buns that B brought. We ended up not having pie for desert although I had two small fresh - but store bought - ones. B was I think rather surprised that both for dinner and breakfast that I brushed off her offers to help - my kitchen and I had it all under control - but we did have fun doing the dishes together, laughing as she guessed both wrong and right about where to put things away and slow-dancing in the kitchen. Unsurprisingly Dean Martin is a favourite of her's. I think she found it odd that I played Beethoven with dinner - but that is my tradition - and yes - my tradition only since I've been single.
S24 was discrete and nowhere to be seen although we did hear him wandering around as usual through the night. We did our best to not disturb his sleep although we as always talked a "lot" and B has a voice that can carry. And yes - other things that were noisy also happened. I just came back from the cafe and brought him a slice of "thank you quiche". I also told him that the surplus fresh baked buns from dinner (B loves to bake) were certainly open season. She also brought us a Fougasse for our Easter and pizza crust and sauce. My already full freezer is rather over-full.
I'm glad that I waited as long as I did to bring someone home. There was no echo of my ex although she did get mentioned from time to time. B is very open about her past and embraces it as something that has made her who she is. I did tell her a few times especially if the topic of my ex came up that there were no ghosts in this house. And I never felt any hint of a ghostly presence which even using the bed that used to be the marital bed. I did have a big smile at one point though. There is a mirror that I installed in the sitting room which my ex who is 4' 11" complained I installed too high for her (and had to install other mirrors for her) was the perfect height for 5' 3" B.
Among the 19 million things I was stressing about was the fact that B and S24 were here at the same time. Other than the fact that we didn't want to make a lot of noise, B was perfectly fine. Of course both of us have lived in houses with children one wall over for much of our lives. I did get the bulk of the cleaning that mattered to me done before she got here and while I do worry about being judged about my house there was no glimmer of a hint about any of that. No - "why isn't this fixed" or "well that's got to go".
Having lived alone as long as I have it was weird having someone else outside of S24 in the house. There were a few things that B did that weren't "normal" to me. Folding the quilt down rather than having it as part of the pile of blankets - that was adjusted on a cold night. Leaving the bedroom door open as I mentioned earlier, toilet lid up - signs of someone who hasn't co-existed with cats for more than half their life. Where it mattered, I mentioned it and B was very adaptable. I have a mantle clock that has Westminster chimes and B who it seems was completely unfamiliar with it I think found like I do reassurance in the regular chimes. We both would pause when the chimes started to count the "bong's" and know what time it was even if our phones with internet synchronized time were handy if we turned away from each other to look.
I really noticed this morning sitting in the kitchen having breakfast when while B made herself a second cup of coffee how "normal" and "natural" it all felt and how she looked here. That made me very very happy. No echos of being made "less than" or of her "taking over". Just that she "fit" - in to her own space and not where my ex used to be.
I did laugh because normally I am a very still sleeper and making the bed usually takes about 15 seconds. It took rather longer than that today although I did decide that the sheets were fine for the next few days. I suspect I'll need a couple of more sets. We did talk and both agree that the level of - ahem - activity while fun will change over time. Just like other mature women have mentioned about themselves, B has a very high drive and enthusiasm. After telling her that I didn't want her to go in to details I did muse about what an idiot her ex's were to have let her go. Her STBX she said complained about the lack of sex ???? But undoubtedly after his first affair that got turned off. She did mention that when she was younger that she was "wild" and is quite a bit tamer now - which very likely explains here rather detailed knowledge and expertise with a variety of techniques - down doodler
. I hesitated before sharing this as it is very TMI but rather to my surprise B has said several times and demonstrated by requesting that things be done slowly that she has some - ahem - size / capacity issues despite 4 kids albeit more than 30 years ago for those. I originally thought it was just "politeness" but don't think it is so - but am accepting it for what it is. It does make me wonder about my ex who seemed neither interested nor enthusiastic and was to say the least "roomy" and OM and perhaps feel a bit sorry for that guy given that what I had thought was normal was perhaps on the other side of the bell curve from where I now find myself - take a drink! Mathematics referenced.
Moving along ....
B respects the fact that I have no interest in moving as long as I can keep up the house. We had an open discussion about how both of us have been explicitly warned about people who might have more monetary motives. She found it funny that both of us have been warned about the exact same thing. We did also talk - actually B talked and I listened without judging - about the fact that she needs to get things settled with her STBX. I think the fact that she has found me has motivated her to push that along.
I was a bit surprised that she had told her kids that she was "having a sleep-over with AndrewP" and especially over breakfast when she face-timed her daughter and - after nodding to me - panned the camera over at me for a hello while I was wearing my house-coat. Surreal but what the hey. We're planning on going to the maple syrup festival next weekend and having another "sleepover" and a visit to her daughter who lives in the area of the festival is on the agenda so the first kid introduction will be happening then. The next week she's off to Punta Cana (funded by her recently widowed sister) and I'm off to Norfolk to see D26.
Well - enough of this for now. I have roast lamb in for dinner tonight (take a drink all) and am just about to get to my ironing.
3 years ago I never would have imagined this life.
Glad someone’s getting some action, since we’ve had the new pup sleeping between us there’s nothing happening here!
Glad someone’s getting some action, since we’ve had the new pup sleeping between us there’s nothing happening here!
I recall referring to one of the cats many years ago as a "bundling board"
. One of the reasons that they sleep elsewhere.
Glad y'all had a lovely weekend. I'm so tickled for you.
Oh - and one other thing to mention. While B and I were chatting over tea and coffee on Sunday morning she made a random comment about "foreigners and turbans and how they should just adapt here in Canada". If she'd said something like that during the first coffee date it would have been game over. I do know that she's not (generally) racist and that she's fine with both gay and trans people.
She realized quickly that this comment quite upset me and then got an explanation on Sikhism and how those symbols were so very important to followers of that faith including their traditional comfortable underwear. She had a huge grin on her face as she told me that we had now just had our first fight and that it was all OK. I think I passed a test. As did she. She heard and while I have no clue on whether she agreed with me, she respected that I had a very different opinion. I think she was happy that when I'm upset that I don't rage but explain - usually with far too much detail - and talk it out.
I've noticed some things about B that perhaps could bother me but I am comfortable accepting. Silly things. She puts her elbows on the table when she eats. She also eats quickly which she said is a fallout from her first divorce when she had to force herself to eat even while taking no pleasure in it. She had 4 small children to care for back then. She can be quite loud when talking and loves to talk - she puts it down to her Italian heritage. As soon as she connected to my house wi-fi bing bing bing went the messages from her friends which she largely ignored for a while but I expect that was unusual for her. She's not well read and often mis-pronounces words and let's not get me started on her spelling
She seems to have odd gaps in her life experiences, especially around "the finer things". I know that she's been to nicer hotels but noticed when we are at the resort that common things like looking for the room service menu and other things that I just can't put my finger on seem foreign to her. I know that she's gone away to resorts and on cruises. The first time we go to the theatre should be interesting and may be possibly the only time together which is fine. She is though very much a hang out at home sort of gal which is ideally suited for me.
On my part, I don't correct her pronunciation although she more and more has started to ask how certain words are pronounced or what the right word to use is. Quinoa was a particular struggle for her as was remembering that a person who studies plants is a horticulturalist. She got the first part right and then asked about the second part. Her spelling does sometimes require a fair amount of interpretation on what she is trying to say. It doesn't seem to bother her in any way so there's no reason it should bother me. Initially she would constantly send corrections, complain about SIRI and apologize. It took several "I figured it out" and "don't worry about it"s from me for her to stop except in the most egregious mis-typings.
It is very different for me being around someone who isn't nearly as literate as I am and is a bit rougher around the edges even though I am at heart a farm boy and the greater bulk of my relatives are similar and I get along fine with them too. B has a very kind and loving heart and that is what is truly important to me. She does seem comfortable with me even when I talk about for example a charity dinner event that I'd like us to go to. And in no way do I want this to turn in to "My Fair B" and change her in any way or have her be uncomfortable. In a number of ways she seems more proud of me than put off saying "you're the one that reads - what is x - y - or z". It was one of the first things she bragged to her mother about me as well. My ex, while she didn't attend post-secondary other than a course on book-keeping, was similarly well read and her mother used to poke her elbows with a fork if they ever ventured on to the table.
B has a very busy week ahead of her. She has to pick up her son and the two grand-kids who are going to stay with her for a couple of days again and then take them back to the city where her son's girlfriend lives. He doesn't drive. On Wednesday we're hoping to go out - not sure what our plans will be. Thursday she's off to meet with her kidney specialist at the bigger regional health centre. Then Saturday we're at the maple syrup festival and then going to stop by, visit her daughter and probably have what she calls a "sleepover". Phew.
It was also interesting that she was showing me her phone while looking for an email from her sister and had no issue with the fact that I saw for example the brief summary preview about things like some insurance issues with "her" house or the warnings that her ICloud was way over limit for storage. I have a feeling that she's going to be asking for some heavy-duty tech support soon.
I did throw a flag when she started talking about our summer plans and going to visit this person and that person etc etc. I reminded her that I have a lot of things to do around the house and garden and my boat etc. So despite the invitations to for example head off to South Carolina with her bestie and husband, that we need to make sure that we each have our own separate time, us time and everyone else time. I do believe that the requests to meet me and integrate me in to her friends and family are getting quite loud.
Well - enough rambling for now - and yes - I'm going through thread posting space like it is going out of style.
On my part, I don't correct her pronunciation although she more and more has started to ask how certain words are pronounced or what the right word to use is. Quinoa was a particular struggle for her as was remembering that a person who studies plants is a horticulturalist. She got the first part right and then asked about the second part. Her spelling does sometimes require a fair amount of interpretation on what she is trying to say. It doesn't seem to bother her in any way so there's no reason it should bother me. Initially she would constantly send corrections, complain about SIRI and apologize. It took several "I figured it out" and "don't worry about it"s from me for her to stop except in the most egregious mis-typings.
It is very different for me being around someone who isn't nearly as literate as I am and is a bit rougher around the edges even though I am at heart a farm boy and the greater bulk of my relatives are similar and I get along fine with them too. B has a very kind and loving heart and that is what is truly important to me. She does seem comfortable with me even when I talk about for example a charity dinner event that I'd like us to go to. And in no way do I want this to turn in to "My Fair B" and change her in any way or have her be uncomfortable. In a number of ways she seems more proud of me than put off saying "you're the one that reads - what is x - y - or z". It was one of the first things she bragged to her mother about me as well. My ex, while she didn't attend post-secondary other than a course on book-keeping, was similarly well read and her mother used to poke her elbows with a fork if they ever ventured on to the table.
I struggle with this some as well. (Though I'm quite well-versed in the arena of what a horticulturalist is and does.
) I'm a little redneck country farm girl, but I am also educated and the good Lord, while skipping over me in the line handing out good looks, decided to make sure he paid attention to me when I got in the line for intelligence. I guess I couldn't be both smart and hot because then I'd be too much. ROFLOL Anyway, I don't necessarily think that spelling and mispronunciations are indicative of intelligence levels. My dad is probably one of the smartest men I know and he can't spell for sh!t. He's also a redneck farm boy who can talk the talk, but he can dress it up for a room full of suits when necessary. My dad was a school teacher at one time in life, so he obviously talked well enough to lead a classroom full of students and to successfully coach a basketball team. At that time, he was also a bull rider on the weekends, so he is a man of many talents, but I digress.
I guess what I'm saying is that I understand where you are with B. I don't say this to brag, though it will come across that way, but I am blessed to possess above average intelligence so I have been with those in the past who don't quite match my intellectual level and it is difficult. I have to fight the urge to be the grammar police sometimes. I did a lot with my XH because he thought he was smarter than he actually was. One of my big pet peeves with him was how he'd try to use words to make himself sound smart, but then he'd either use them incorrectly or pronounce them incorrectly. He used to always talk about being pragmatic, but he never used that in context correctly. He also always mispronounced the word "gist" and it drove me CRAZY because he said it a LOT. He pronounced it just like it looks, with a hard g sound, while most people who have any clue know that it is pronounced jist with a soft g sound. Sparky, intellectually, is actually smarter than I am, but we have also had very different experiences in life and that allows us to learn from each other a great deal. Sparky is a redneck country boy for sure, but he was not raised on a farm, so he defers to me on all things agriculture related and asks lots of questions about things. He's naturally inquisitive. For instance, the first time I took him to meet my dad, when we got there, my stepmom was in the goat barn, bringing her mama goats in to milk them and dad was in the paddock working with a colt. We chatted a bit and dad showed him around and then after we left, he asked me all sorts of stuff about what he had seen. He's eager to learn and I like that. Sparky is super tech savvy and even did a stint working for Microsoft in his younger years. I'm not super tech savvy so he teaches me techie stuff and I teach him farming stuff. He's also an artist so he tells me things about that too, where I'm a much more science based person. We balance each other out in many ways. Ultimately, for me, it is more about my enjoyment of my time with someone than who is smarter. Sounds like you realize the difference but aren't bothered by it and that is a good thing.
As far as B being loud, that made me laugh. I'm actually a relatively quiet person and fairly introverted, left to my own devices, but I come from a big, loud, rowdy, beer-drinking family, so we are all a bit overwhelming when we are together. I prepared Sparky prior to meeting my family and he actually fits right in because we are all sarcastic and if someone isn't giving you crap, then they don't really like you so he jumped right into that with both feet. It's a good thing. B being loud just means she's passionate....or she's lived with a bunch of people who are hard of hearing, which may be beneficial to you in your "golden years". LOL
She did mention that when she was younger that she was "wild" and is quite a bit tamer now - which very likely explains here rather detailed knowledge and expertise with a variety of techniques - down doodler.
Andrew,
You know, that triggers me, the "down doodler" thing. My ex-wife (back when she was my wife) used to yell "DOWN DOODLER" and then she'd hit me on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. I'd scurry off to the nearest corner and curl up and whimper, then eventually fall asleep.
Anyway, I'm trying to get caught up on all of your posts and, when I'm done, I may have some additional comments for you. But it'll probably be a few days before I'm all caught up.
So I think I did good yesterday.
B was supposed to go and pick up her grandkids yesterday but when she told me she was heading home it was annotated with the word "alone".
She usually calls me as I drive home and I was leaving shortly so let her know. After a while she called and filled me in on what went down. The details aren't relevant but she was certainly upset but putting a brave face on things. We talked about her issues and I changed the topic over to more fun things like her upcoming trip. About 1/2 hour out I said that I could detour up and give her a hug and buy her a cup of coffee. She said that she had actually thought about coming down to see me but I said no - let me come up to you.
At the edge of her town, I told her where I was which got a light scream that she wasn't ready and she ended coming out in her slouchy clothes and a ball cap to contain the messy curls on her head. I was of course wearing my bow tie etc from work so we made an odd looking couple in the coffee shop. A couple of cups of coffee and a shared slice of pie and lots of talking and she seemed good and I took her home, gave her a big hug and warm kiss, went home myself, made my lunch, decided the dishes on the counter looked happy where they were and went to bed.
I think she was both surprised and unsurprised that I dropped everything to go up to her. But - that's what people do. I don't think that she's been able to rely on people before having been the one to make everything better for everyone else. I'm glad that I was able to do that for her.
Andrew,
That was a very nice gesture and I'm sure B was happy that you came by to console her. Hopefully, today will be a better day for her.
That is awesome. You're definitely a keeper!
Awwwe - shucks. All I did was buy the lady a cup of coffee and piece of pie.
I had a nice dinner last night with an old friend - P - who recently had a bomb-day. His STBX is following the wayward script to a T and I think is in for a bit of a rude awakening. P has a number of friends including me who have walked this path before and who as soon as we saw the smoke signals have emerged from the woodwork like little cobbler elves but with practical emotional and legal advice. The one that impressed him the most I think was an old friend who he'd fallen out of touch with who is in the middle of his own 7 figure divorce whose response was "I'll be there in an hour". And he was. P mentioned that he felt bad about not being there for those who are stepping up now and I reminded him that we were "paying it forward" and I expect he's taking that to heart.
Need to hustle my buns this morning. I need to be in the local city an hour away to judge the senior science fair by 8. I'm really looking forward to it. B was teasing me - via text - this morning that I love volunteering and young people but hate crowds. We'll get together after for a bit after I'm done in the late afternoon. Reading other's threads I realize how fortunate we are that we can essentially see each other whenever we want. A big set of adventures and a sleep-over is planned again for this Saturday and then we are both out of the country for a week. I'll be meeting her daughter's family on Saturday including the first 3 of 12 grand-kids and will mention to S24 that it's fine if he's wandering around the house. On Monday night I was saying something about B and got a grumbly look from him but I think that was because I was repeating a story which he hates. He did mention that we could have the pizza crust that B made for us for this Sunday supper which I'm taking as another sign that he's accepting things. I do hope they get along. I expect that they will be fine although I don't expect them to interact too much at any point.
All I have time for now - but I can't let my readers down
I had a nice dinner last night with an old friend - P - who recently had a bomb-day. His STBX is following the wayward script to a T and I think is in for a bit of a rude awakening. P has a number of friends including me who have walked this path before and who as soon as we saw the smoke signals have emerged from the woodwork like little cobbler elves but with practical emotional and legal advice. The one that impressed him the most I think was an old friend who he'd fallen out of touch with who is in the middle of his own 7 figure divorce whose response was "I'll be there in an hour". And he was. P mentioned that he felt bad about not being there for those who are stepping up now and I reminded him that we were "paying it forward" and I expect he's taking that to heart.
Andrew,
It's good to know P has a lot of support from veterans. I think interacting with veterans, in real life, is probably a lot better than getting advice from online forums. I remember reading a Cadet quote that was something like, "If you're here (the Newcomers forum), then your marriage is probably already over." At the time I thought that was harsh, now I think it's pragmatic.
In my opinion, the problem with getting help on the forums is that everyone is trying to finesse their way back into their marriage when they really need to take quick and decisive action. As far as I can tell, messing around and playing games just extends the misery and has a much lower probability of potential reconciliation. The other thing that newbies don't realize is that reconciliation can be it's own special h3ll.
Wise words Doodler.
Back in my story, a lady was in recon and thought she had all the answers.. afterall, she had what we all wanted.. her housband was back..
Well, 10 years later, she dumped him and the truth came out. She droped the bomb once she was hospitalised and he was not available to care for her...
She had enough..
Taking a day off certainly can come up and bite a person. I'm still only part way through catching up with issues from yesterday morning. My colleague who was supposed to be taking care of things just bumped them to today.
I did have a fabulous time at the science fair. So many young, eager scientists who had done some great work. There were a small number who barely "phoned it in" too. I did laugh because the guy in a periodic table bow tie, tweed jacket and clipboard certainly got noticed by the kids. It was funny to watch them all straighten up and dash to stand beside their projects when they saw me approach. I did cause some panic with with one young lady who had a project on plastic waste and how bad it was when I shook her hand and said "Hi - I'm Andrew [insert name here], I'm a judge for the special awards and I happen to work in the Plastics industry"
She was only off her stride for a moment and did a great job presenting her topic. Some of the other judges on my team weren't as impressed because they looked at what she did as more or less an arts and crafts thing showing how plastic can be up-cycled but I thought it was good.
The whole process was very well organized and I am looking forward to going back next week to do the junior fair.
As expected, I met some very nice people and did run in to a number of old friends including the lady who I dated once who nominated me for this. She might be remembered as "book shop lady". I got a big wave from her and she came over and sat with me and we caught up. Life has been treating her well since the last time we saw each other which would have been our single date in the fall of 2017. She suggested that since we live relatively close that we car-pool for the next one and I made some excuses that I expected that I would have some errands to run for my girl-friend - which got an awkward response. Later we chatted a bit and she reminded me of the car-pooling option. But, while I do quite like her, I don't know about being in a car with her for a couple of hours.
B likes talking to me as I drive. She puts me on speaker-phone on her cell and natters away while doing things around her apartment which is nice so I let her know when I was done and then we chatted and got together for a very early dinner. She did ask the question of "so how long have we been dating" and as my original answer of 4 years didn't seem plausible math was done and it is 7 weeks. It does feel like a lot longer as we are so comfortable with each other. I did mention about BSL and how I turned her down for car-pooling which got me chastized and a "don't worry I trust you" from B which then required a follow-up on that I didn't really "want" to car-pool with BSL. A "sly" query also was done by B about "how old is BSL?" and she seemed startled when I said that she was probably at least mid-late 60s.
We had a nice dinner and I did find out something important. I had been under the impression that B only had one partially functional kidney and sort of presumed that this would be an issue going forward. Which is fine and I was glad that I knew early on. I was wrong though it turned out and she has one fully functional and one that will probably fail at some point. That was good news and certainly one less worry although I need to read up on renal failure so that I can be prepared to be supportive and watch for early warning signs which B already knows far better than I do.
We did stumble into a bit of an issue for us I think. At times B would say something and I'd react or I'd say something that she would interpret as me being annoyed / upset and she would immediately jump in to calm and reassure. I tried to explain to her that no - I wasn't offended or upset and that she shouldn't fuss. Another indication that she was walking on eggshells for a long time.
When I dropped B off and we were confirming our plans for this weekend (errands, Maply Syrup festival, meeting her daughter, dinner and breakfast at Chez P) she reminded me that any time I wanted her to stay over that all I had to do was ask. I assured her that I would love for her to stay over more often but that I was still taking things slow. She has talked about looking for a new place when her lease is up at the end of June and has mentioned getting a room in a house (I think her finances are in VERY rough shape). I remained silent on the other more obvious option as I think that she would at first be hesitant but then be very keen and I'm certainly not ready for that sort of commitment. I do think that next week when she's gone to Punta Cana with her sister for 10 days that it will be a good break for us both even if I will miss her and undoubtedly visa versa. I am browsing around to see if I can have flowers sent to her hotel down there - I think she'd like that but it appears to be complex to arrange. Oh - and the trip is funded by her recently widowed sister - she's not digging new holes. A lot of the financial problems are marital debt that she feels is half her's I think. I have no direct knowledge and don't want any. She wants to see me before she leaves and so we'll probably go out again on Monday night after I get off work as that is the only day open that we're not already seeing each other. He had pushed for her to immediately move in with him at that time which she didn't do. Over time there were things about him that bothered her. Lifestyle choices, a dark past and possibly present that she was worried about, possibly a bit of a controlling nature and they parted friends.
B is off to see her kidney specialist today at the regional health centre. I've gotten the "I'm here" and "don't worry, everything will be fine" texts. On her way home she's going to stop by her Mom's place to pick up some things for her trip and she's also going to stop to check on a prior boy-friend who had been going to get some stents put in but mentioned to her that he'd just had another heart attack. She said that he didn't seem keen on seeing her and she suspects that he's found someone new. I think they parted ways well over a year ago but have kept in touch. And yes - it bothers me on one level that she still cares about this person to the point where she goes to see him. On another level - learning trust is important for me too. Other than asking how her friend is doing, like a friend would, it is literally none of my business and should be none of my concern. I'm trying to grow up here. It's interesting as she said that this old friend is the one who she started dating while still in in-house separation - 5 hours away from where he lives who persuaded her to move out
My heavens - this post is a lot longer than I expected. Signing off now. B just sent me a text saying her tests went smoothly including her urine test and she's going to dribble home. Quickly corrected to "drive"
Grrr - edit button doesn't work on this forum.
He had pushed for her to immediately move in with him at that time which she didn't do. Over time there were things about him that bothered her. Lifestyle choices, a dark past and possibly present that she was worried about, possibly a bit of a controlling nature and they parted friends.
should have been at the end of the following paragraph.
Oh lord no, don't even consider moving her in. WAY too early. And her financial issues are hers to solve. If she gets them sorted to the point where she has paid off her debts with the proceeds from the sale of the house, and can live ok on her earnings or pension so long as her rent is paid for, AND you've been together long enough that you're sure you want to live together - THEN it might be fine. Like maybe a year from now. But none of that should be your problem today.
Everybody looks good in the beginning, it takes a while for their deeper issues to come up. And a once a week overnight is way easier than actually living together.
(Plus I do find, the longer I live on my own, the less willing I am to bend to other people's ways of doing things. Especially OCD types like CMM. Ok, if I briefly pet the dog on his back before dinner I'll go wash my hands just because CMMs germophobia is triggered, but honestly it's a pain in the neck.)
Andrew,
I know you're thread is over 100 posts, but I'm going to push the limits...
First, I agree with kml. Second, maybe you should consider going on a date with someone else while B is out of town. I'm assuming you two aren't exclusive yet. The only woman you've really dated has been B, so maybe you should, you know, step out and go on a date with someone else. You know? Yeah? Maybe?
Really, Doodler? I don't agree. Once you're to the point in a relationship that you're getting busy under the sheets, I wouldn't be dating other people unless it was mutually agreed that this was strictly casual and nothing serious. I don't think that's how either of them are looking at this.
Andrew,
I know you're thread is over 100 posts, but I'm going to push the limits...
First, I agree with kml. Second, maybe you should consider going on a date with someone else while B is out of town. I'm assuming you two aren't exclusive yet. The only woman you've really dated has been B, so maybe you should, you know, step out and go on a date with someone else. You know? Yeah? Maybe?
As kml has suggested, B and I have agreed to be exclusive some time ago and each independently pulled down our OLD profiles within the last 2 weeks. I don't trade an ILU with someone and then go shopping
If it does end with B - and it may - we've both been open about that - I'd undoubtedly take a break for a while before taking another dip in the pond. My POF subscription is good until the end of next January so an old Scotsman like me knows that I won't be out of pocket there at least.
Oh lord no, don't even consider moving her in. WAY too early. And her financial issues are hers to solve. If she gets them sorted to the point where she has paid off her debts with the proceeds from the sale of the house, and can live ok on her earnings or pension so long as her rent is paid for, AND you've been together long enough that you're sure you want to live together - THEN it might be fine. Like maybe a year from now. But none of that should be your problem today.
Everybody looks good in the beginning, it takes a while for their deeper issues to come up. And a once a week overnight is way easier than actually living together.
Absolutely. We've had a single overnight that went rather well. BUT - as doodler has pointed out, there are a lot of unknowns.
There is an attractiveness to want to fast forward over what will undoubtedly be some rather hard work to a comfortable co-habitation, and it hasn't been established definitively that B is that person. She perhaps thinks that I'm that person but I am pleased that she has never specifically come out and said that. We "do" talk in the longer term. Sometimes jokingly and sometimes as if it is une fait accompli. It is a confusing time for me and very likely for her as well. I am pleased that her "words" say that she's looking for a new place of and on her own in the summer. Her actions are less clear and it does appear that she is being patient for now about giving me space to get comfortable.
I expect that "if" she does move in - and yes - it's looking pretty inevitable and I'm happy about that at present - it will very likely be a bit at a time followed by a truckload of the stuff her mother is tired of storing for her. Especially if her 91 year old mother passes on. As to what those timelines are, neither of us have set any guidelines on that. She is trusting me I think more than I trust her at this point. She does have that soft date of July 1st when her lease and certain other obligations expire and I do agree that would still be pretty quick but almost twice as long as I waited before my ex moved in with me and that worked reasonably well for nearly 30 years. In that case I was given no option as as soon as I had the lease for my new, un-shared apartment she just decided for "us" that she was living there too.
As far as the financial issues go, B has been very open about the fact that they are her issues and as I got smacked down for before, I checked with my lawyer and he's familiar with cohabitation agreements. I can far more see me sharing a toothbrush than a bank account at any point in the foreseeable future. There's just too much risk at my age.
New thread - the meal continues continues
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2844545&#Post2844545