Previous thread:
I guess this is where I belong now I have found land but I don't think my journey has ended.
Somehow I had thought that by the time I had hit a thousand posts, my life will have somehow sorted itself out.
Life is still sorting itself out and I am doing my best not to get in its way. So here I am on the next stage of my journey and I am extremely for the support and advice I have had here.
Not so sure I ever have great advise, but you know I have your back
Good for you, I think us putting times on things is just setting ourselves up for disappointment. Life will always sort itself and take shape one way or another. You're a sassy hot mamma. You own it. Head up high.
Have a listen to Toni braxtons he wasn't man enough for me. It helps me sometimes
Or alternately, cee Lo greens f**k you. Maybe not infront of kid though.
Sweet Cherry! Thanks babe! Us small-waisted, generously a$$ed lbw should have each other's back. Only if it's because we have such matching silhouettes! Lol!
Jjb,
I will love having you around but I am sorry that you may be looking at this neighbourhood.
As for xh's last surprise visit, I am starting to think that for some weird reason, it was mostly to check on the hygiene and maybe less to check if there were any male visitors. His mum used to b!tch about the cleanliness of the ex matrimonial flat. And she is a freaking sahm with hired help.
I have friends and while my house wasn't showroom perfect (I haven't met anyone with young kids that have one), I cleaned the place every day, even when I am working full-time.
There really is no pleasing her... And of course it was only after BD that I realised how much of a grudge she held and how bitter she was.
Agree there is no hard and fast timeline to grieving, but I am hoping that the journey is shorter rather than longer.
I didnt sleep well last night. I had a recurring nightmare about the xh and the xfil. I dreamt that they lied to me about the TP and had let kid meet the pos. As per the recommendation of the court counsellor, no op around the kid for 2 years after the D.
My dreams can be rather intuitive. But I havent the foggiest idea if I am dreaming out my fear that xh will marry tp, or if it's my sixth sense telling me that it's a done deal.
Work is up and down. But I have learnt to let stuff roll off my back. I am working on perfecting my tunnel vision: to only focus on things that matter in the here and now. I tend to over-think and over-react. And I realise that whatever strategies I use in my personal life, I should use in my professional life too.
So I am consciously DBing, acting as if, doing what works, even at work.
Hi Grl, sorry I have been out of the loop, I haven't really posted since my name change, but I found your thread and I'll be checking in on you.
You are on my mind lately, sending you positive thoughts and (((((hugs))))) from my part of the world to you.
It's surprising ho much of dbing can be used in life. Truly life lessons.
Dreams have an awful way sometimes of playing out fears, try not to think too much of it. I dreamt I had an affair and then found out I was pregnant. Dream me had to tell h about the pregnancy all the while panicking that it could be the om's. Not sure what all that means.
And yes we do *high five* sister! Hourglass is timeless
Hi Rose,
Thanks for dropping by!
You and the party bus move too fast for me! But I am so glad that you pple had and are having lots of fun. We all need our fun.
And I am so glad that I found you ppl. Would have loved to meet you in happier circumstances but my gosh, you people are da bomb!
Cherry, that sounds like one panic- inducing dream. I dont know what your dream means but I know for sure you're not going to have an A and get pregnant. Because first, you're gorgeous, loyal and smart. Second, you're gorgeous, loyal and you get the idea.
I guess our dreams mirror our anxieties. Pre -dbing, and in a moment of weakness, I told xh about my dream of him marrying tp and asked him to please give me a few months' headsup if he were ever going to do that. Xh was very annoyed by my 'ridiculous' dream. But of course, that would have been the guilt talking.
What's really interesting is that prior to the D, I had a dream that after all the ordeal that I went through, I finally found someone that made me very happy and who loved me a lot. It seemed that I made him very happy too. In the background of my dream were some really tall flats.
I thought the flats looked familiar. But it was only after I bought my new flat, that I realised I had might have dreamed of my new flat.
Who knows what the dream means? I just hope that I will find the serenity and peace I felt in the dream, with or without that mysterious man.
I have so much time on my hands today, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I have got most of the chores I wanted done done.
Was surfing (is that the right word?) Pininterest when this article caught my eye. 'He never hit me'
When it was over, I wasn’t permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I’m learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.
I do still struggle with this. I still don't know if he was jekyll or hyde. I guess he was both?
But TP said that he was a gentle person. How do I reconcile that with the man who was so angry with me because my class ended 30 minutes late that he left a heavily- pregnant me stranded in a remote area with no means of transport? Thank goodness I had managed to hitch a ride from a classmate.
And he had pretty much stopped and got out of the car many times during my pregnancy. Once I had to get out of the passenger side on a busy road to get to the driver side. Too pregnant to do it any other way. And I had to drive around aimlessly before I managed to find my way back.
How do I reconcile that with the man who got so angry over disagreements that kid and I would hide in our room whenever we heard heavy metal music blasting?
He talks to and smiles at the TP. Where is that side of him when he brooded and stayed in his own world while he was put with kid and me? I have caught sight of him and kid when he has kid. They both look bored to tears and kid will always be fiddling with his phone. Why aren't kid and me enough for him? We pretty much entertain everyone else we meet.
Are TP and her kids really so special? Kid and I must be too mortal.
Sigh. Maybe it's the poodle of my perm that is the cause of this funk. I should get out of the house but I am nursing such a horrible ear infection.
Sorry today is a bad day lovely. Abuse can be in many forms, I don't think people realise that.
It really isn't anything about you and kid, it's all him. Sometimes men struggle with the adjustment to fatherhood, all the extra responsibilities and so on. One thing I can pretty much guarantee is that he will regret it. You do so great at holding everything together, being a working mom is tough, and you're doing it girl! You have your new best, and you're providing your best for kid, and keeping everything normal as possible, putting your own sanity second. Yeah I don't know you personally, but I am so proud of you! You are amazing.
And that man in your dream I'm sure will be a reality. There are some great men in the world. Men who would kill to have such a woman as you. And when sh*t gets real for xh and the bubble for him and POS bursts, he will realise what a killer mistake he made.
Hope you feel better soon. Sending massive hugs to my fellow hourglass sister
JKSD,
Sorry to hear you are sick! I know how much that can drag a PMA down.
You are awesome GRL. Don't worry about whether he will regret it or , or why he was capable of it, or why he couldn't appreciate you or what he did. None of it matters. He doesn't matter.
He left, and you and kid are all that matters. Cherry is right. You are amazing.
Hugs
J
He talks to and smiles at the TP. Where is that side of him when he brooded and stayed in his own world while he was put with kid and me?
Grl, I've talked to my IC about this, how Mr P could be different with someone else. There's no good answer. About 15 years ago, Mr P had an EA by email and phone with a woman who was supposed be be my best friend. The thing that hurt me so much was that he said things to her that I wanted to hear, but never got, tender, loving things. When I asked him why, he had no explanation, and I never got anything close to them the remainder of our years together. Why? I don't know. Does the duck get them? I don't know.
Here's what I do know: I say things to My Nica that I never said to Mr. P., and I get wonderful things in return. Why am I able to do that with My Nica? I don't know that either. Is it that I was reacting to Mr P being closed off, is it that I never really felt them, is it that Mr P and I were a bad combination, is it that I've recently learned to be more open? Point is, my R with My Nica is different, Mr P's R with his duck is different, your X's R with the TP is different. Don't spend any more of your mental energy wondering why X did or didn't do something, what he does or doesn't do with the TP. There's something way better for you out there. Approach any new R all opened up, give someone new the chance to respond to that. Your X didn't, someone else will, and you'll be happier for it.
Cherry, jjb and sunny, thanks for dropping by.
Have been under the weather these few days, haven't really been catching up on the board. Your comments have given me food for thought.
I always thought that he sounded like he regretted the decision to D and that a big part of his decision was to inflict as much pain as he thought I had inflicted on him. But he swings so often and so much that I get whiplashed.
I really have to admit that I haven't been the best wife in the R and that I suck at dbing. I guess I have to put away the niggling suspicion that if I had found this site earlier and learnt to stfu better, things would have ended differently.
When I remember the hurtful things he had done to me and kid, I wonder how it is that I have held on for so long. And how I can still have feelings for someone as callous as him.
And then I remember that he wasn't always so bad. And perhaps he had tried his best. Maybe we really weren't meant to be together. My moods and sentiments changes so frequently and abruptly that I am giving myself whiplash.
I must learn to acknowledge the good and the bad and accept them for what they are. I must make use of the time to work on myself.
Lovely JksD, such a long time since I have visited and posted. But I wanted to say that the freedom to detach comes not from acknowledging the good and the bad, is coming to accept that both are in the past and your life is in the present moment. Constantly moving in and out of a relationship that exists only in the past, where there is no longer any life or colour keeps you stuck. Life and colour are here now. And you my dear friend are light white light, gorgeous affirming and good for the soul. Remember your brilliance my dear friend.
And Cherry that goes for your gorgeous self too! You are two of the most delightful amazing women and neither of you should let a man dim your sparkle.
JellyB XXX
Thank you jelly. That's so sweet of you. I'm certainly trying.
Thinking of you grl and just sending a lil love to you mami!
Jelly,
Thanks for your sweet thoughts!
I agree that I have to concentrate on the here and now. My mind stll wanders back to the past as a way of understanding what went wrong because I guess I am still shell-shocked. It took only 6 months from BD to D and my life and kid's life being changed so irrevocably.
A lot of it is PTSD. Now, it's been 15 months post BD and 9 months post D. Everything can still seem surreal because just 15 months ago, yes, right up to BD, life was settling down and we were going to try for a second kid soon.
It was a unanimous decision to have a second kid and both sides of the family have been asking about it. He seemed calmer amd more prepared for a second kid. I stalled for time because I thought xh couldn't handle the stress of kids. He was really horrid and moody when kid was younger. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle on my own it as I didnt have any support from family.
Right now, I guess I am still mourning and reeling from losing life as I had known for the past 10 years.
It is tough but I know I have to be strong for kid.
Cherry, your hugs are much appreciated. Nursing a horrid ear, nose and throat infection for the past week and not feeling up to much.
Went to violence counselling last week and kid's counsellor called me this week to update me on kid's progress. Kid was making great progress by telling the C about the AO that triggered the D. In the last visit, however, she refused to talk about it any more as she didn't want to remind mummy about the sad incident. I have always listened to her and encouraged her not to feel ashamed of what happened. I wonder if the xh's family is giving her some other messages.
During the last visit, kid shared with me the play she wrote, 'Cinderella: the unwanted daughter'. I couldn't hear much past the title of her play asy heart was breaking into pieces and I was doing my damnest not to break into tears.
The C told me that kid felt unwanted by her father and that she knows that mummy loves her. Kid also feels responsible for me. I have always tried to appear upbeat in front of kid but I guess the spew from my mother and the ex got to us. I must be stronger and cut off all these unpleasant interactions. I will not interact with xh or mother if they cannot behave in a decent way. And vice versa.
Latest heartwrenching incident. There is a bald patch on kid's head. I have never seen it until kid brought it to my attention yesterday. It was a largish patch behind her ears but thank goodness it was covered by hair. Hair was starting to grow but I will have to monitor it.
Where did that come from? I have been helping kid wash her hair and haven't noticed it. Was it the result of the lice preparations that we used about 2 to 3 months ago? But I had never noticed any bald patch then.
Could she have pulled out or shaved her own hair? But she couldn't have done it at home without me noticing.
Add to all these new troubles is the fact that her sessions with the Violence counsellor is ending and the C is switching jobs. Kid will be devastated and I am at a loss as to where to look for an affordable and competent C for kids. As these are court-mandated sessions, they have been free.
Kid is now my utmost priority. I guess I am a close second, if not a tie.
Breathe in, breathe out. I can do this.
Xh texted me to ask about the bald patch. He didn't even bother to call. I told him what I knew and what I thought could have caused it. And that was the end of it.
By now, I can't even be bothered to tell him what the C told me. He will take it as me trying to guilt-trip him. The trail of destruction that he leaves behind him is never-ending.
Look up alopecia areata. If it is a round patch with sharp borders, this is probably it. It's autoimmune and can be triggered by stress. Usually resolves, dermatologist can inject steroids into it if not resolving. Usually looks like a patch the size of a large coin.
If it's more irregular, could be trichotillomania - compulsive hair pulling.
Hi kml,
Thanks for your input.
The patch is more irregular. I highly suspect that it's from hair pulling.
And now I just found out that xh's family has been asking kid if she would like to go on an overseas trip with them.
This is not part of the legal agreement. Kid is too young to leave the country without me.
I have told them that they cannot take kid out of the country without my permission and I have definitely told them that I will not let kid leave the country without me.
They are definitely playing dirty and I am extremely upset. Why do they have to put kid through this? They knew I would say no so that made use of kid?
I am trying not to be a bitch about access arrangements and have been more than generous. I need kid too and when I have her, I dont just dump her with my family and do my own stuff.
Why are they taking advantage of my generosity?
Hi Grl, just wanted to pop on and visit your thread. I hope you feel better soon, and solve the mystery of the hair patch. You are smart not to tell xh about what was said in C, I have taken that approach too, nothing good comes out of it and the truth gets distorted into something ugly. Your d is so lucky she has you.
On my phone so I can't respond fully but wanted to let you know I stopped by and to offer a big hug.
Fwiw, I think the kids are going to feel responsible for us regardless, because they love us and want to comfort us. You will be ok.
More later.
Fwiw, I think the kids are going to feel responsible for us regardless, because they love us and want to comfort us.
My youngest is still protective of me, even though I'm just fine. The other day she got upset because Mr P asked something about me. It was a legitimate question, wasn't ill-intentioned in any way, he's just not allowed to talk about me, period, in her mind. She and I had a talk about it, she cried a little and said she didn't think it was right that Mr P had left me after 26 years together. I told her I didn't like it either but that I had a good life, that we had a good life as a family. She knows that, but it still bothers her after 18 months. Hugs for you, (((Grl)))
Arose, Maybell, Sunny,
Thanks for dropping by.
Mystery solved. Kid admitted to pulling her own hair. I have talked to her counsellor and her counsellor has suggested that I look for a psychiatrist for her. Her talk about self- hurt and her pulling of her hair are all shouts for help.
I wondered if I should tell xh about the issue. I texted him a very simple text. I told him that kid admitted to pulling her hair out and her counsellor has suggested getting a psychiatrist. To the point. If he wants to see it as guilt-tripping, that really is his issue.
He's the father. He should know what's happening.
I am thinking that I should take up my counsellor's suggestion of joint counselling with the xh to talk about kid's issues.
As much as I love the xfil and am grateful for his past help, I think he has to stop using kid as a go-between. Whatever he wants to do with kid should go through me, not kid.
He told kid that TP and XH were just friends. And kid sent me an impassioned text on his phone asking me to believe her. All these just keep giving kid hope that xh will come back to us.
I don't know what game they are playing now. And I am very tired.
Should I talk to x-fil first before xh? Since x fil is the source of contention now, I am thinking that I should talk to him first.
They are running me and kid down. I am so tired. Why are they so selfish and cruel? Are they trying to force me into playing hardball and keeping to the legal agreement?
So kid called from xh's flat. I have blocked xh's mobile but not the flat number. Smart of him to have figured that out.
Kid wished me good night and chatted with me for a while. She sounded kind of down. And I miss kid so much I started tearing.
Then kid told me xh wanted to talk to me. I was kinda of in a ball-ripping mood over kid's hair-pulling incident. Xh sounded friendly. I was starting to warm up too until he started asking if kid's hair loss was due to the lice preparations and asked me to stop using it on kid.
Kid has been lice free for months. And I thought I told him in 3 simple sentences that kid admitted to pulling her own hair. I suppose I might have reacted to his implied trivialising of the hair loss. He sounded like he wanted to talk more but I was so annoyed and frosty that I started giving 1 word answers. To give him credit, he didn't get annoyed with me.
I felt bad. So I texted him, thanking him for letting kid call.
In another world, in another place, in another time, I would have been thrilled to have him call. And hear his voice.
Arose,
I have realised that you can only convert the converted. Nonpoint telling him what he doesn't want to hear. Cheapens our feelings.
Maybell and Sunny,
You're right. The C did tell me that it's very common for kids to feel responsible for the left behind parents. It's just so gutwrenching to see your 7-year old kid feel like she's entirely responsible for your happiness.
Which can only mean one thing- I have to put on my biggest girl panties. And not let kid ever worry about us or me. I will show her through words and more importantly that we are going to be okay. Hell, we are going to be kick-ass okay!
Have planned a trip to do charity work in a third world country with kid at the end of the year. Am going to deliver food to the needy this Sunday. If this stint works out well, I will take kid with me for the next few deliveries.
Kid must see that compared to many others, we are more than fine.
So many errors and the edit button is just for show. -_-
That is so good what you are doing with the charity food drop. You are an amazing person.
Sorry to hear about kid, they are very intuitive, especially where their mami's are involved I think. When h is frosty with me, even my toddler picks up on it and won't go near him. Breaks my heart in a way. But then I see that as I am a lioness that needs to protect my cub.
I think it's good that you did speak to xh, you are both parents even if he is a little lax in responsibility, you both need to speak about your child's wellbeing.
It's hard on you that you have to be the big person all the time, but I get a strong sense of strength from you. You're an amazing woman. And I send huge hugs to my beautiful db soul sister!
Cherry, you're right. Kid is so intuitive and precocious that I really need to db her as well and act as if with her too.
The weekends are getting really hard without kid. I miss her so so much.
Xh texted me some pictures of kid having fun. The only other time he did that was some time before the 2nd R attempt in the months leading to the D. He had wanted to 'assure' me that TP wasn't around kid.
It's good that kid is having fun. I know this is bad for detachment but why did he do that? What does he have to prove this time? That he's not the source of kid's stress?
The pictures threw me. They remind me that these are times I will never get to spend with kid. And I start to miss the days when we were all together.
I wonder if xh goes through the same thought process, the same regret and the same pain when I send him pictures of kid. Why do I send him pictures of kid?
I don't do it often but some times there is this irresistible urge to share with him snippets of kid's life. Whether or not we are M, regardless of how we feel about each other, kid is still our baby. And I thought that he should experience part of kid's life. Even if it is vicariously.
Maybe xh feels the same way.
Lonely lonely nights.
Grl, I don't think its' necessarily unhealthy to send pics of kid to each other. I do it. I sent prom pics of D18 to Mr P since he wasn't there to see it. He appreciated it. Neither of us thought it was sad or manipulative in any way. You have to stop thinking like that, seriously, Grl. Be the parents that kid needs and let the rest go. (((Grl)))
Yes, Sunny, you're right.
We will always be kid's parents and I appreciate that he sent me the pictures. I thanked him for his effort because he didn't have to.
It's just that these reminders of what we have lost throw me off.
Sunny, xh would have loved you. Well, I would have loved you that way if I were a guy.
LOL, Grl. I am really not sure if your xh being interested in me would be a compliment or not. Outside the fact that I probably could be his mother. I have a rule that I don't date anyone that could, in theory, be my son.
Sunny, xh and I may sound like kids, but really we're just cloistered juveniles who need to catch up on adulting. ;p
You're the type of woman he wishes he'd married and I wish I had grown up to be. I guess I still have some time left to try.
My ex and I send pictures to eachother of our kid even when we are in a period of not being able to stand eachother. We both love our young daughter, and no matter what kind of feelings we have for one another, we both know we made that child and will always have that small piece in common. And may it be the only thing that ties us, it's huge in theory.
It is natural to want to share snippets of your childs life. You will always be bonded by that. And there is nothing wrong with doing it. No reason to resist that.
Ginger, I get what you mean. It's just that the undetached me wishes that the exchange of pics had taken place in a happier sitch.
Ah well, big girl panties on again. Maybe I should switch to more interesting ones so that I will keep keeping them on!
I will tell you, I was where you are in a much worse way. I am 8 years out:) I couldn't send a pic for a while without wondering how he could not want to share this life with me. I will tell you, and I also have to remind myself: time really does heal. I will always be sad about losing the family we could have had. Until I finally accepted that was a fantasy, because my ex couldn't do what needed to be done. 8 years later, he is still the same guy, only with a different wife tolerating it. My future was a fantasy. I would have probably left him. We would not be a happy intact family enjoying our life with our child. It is surely sad, because I would have done whatever was needed to be there. He wouldn't.
I am completely detached, so its easier for me. But again, that comes with time. And those exchanges will come at a happier time, even with separate lives.
No one would ever believe this who knew me from way back when on here, but I realized last night when ex couldn't pick up D8 on time and offered to come late or send his wife. he acted like I'd rather have him do it. Actually no, I'd rather see her than him (she;s the OW)!
It is crazy what time does!
p.s no one ever said big girl panties can't be sexy!
Hi JKSD
I know how hard it is not being able to give your child the life you wanted to. I will always remember how you helped me, when I Was upset that my son would scream and literally have to be dragged into husbands car during pick ups.
As I have calmed down, and (having dad and MIL give him sweets). The transition has become easier... My son has actually said to me "mom, I'm used to this now". I am amazed at his resiliency and rational way of accepting us divorcing. So far I am lucky because no real conflict regarding son. Husband and I are on the page. All we really care about is that he is safe and away from any conflict. We are both doing our part regarding this.
I Think only children are very tuned in to the emotions of the moms. As I accept the situation better, so does son.
I think that a neutral counselor that would talk to husband and in laws and yourself, reguarding your concerns would be ideal. If you are the one to do it, it might not be as accepted.
I love that you are introducing her to charity work. I want to do this too! You are such a great mom!
Yes, Ginger. I look at how beautiful kid is and wonder how he could not want her and us. I may be biased but kid is really a wonderful kid.
Omg. You are really magnanimous. I can't ever imagine wanting to see OW. I would really want to see neither of them. Unless they are suffering in each other's company.
Jjb, I thought I did a better job of acting as if in front of kid last year than this year. I don't know why but I just seem to have run out of adrenaline.
I guess I really have to do better for kid. I must have kid's back. I can't let her shoulder all this weight.
Your boy is really lovely. And so sweet. Glad that your H is being sensible in doing the right thing by your S.
I am still mulling over the issue of the joint counselling. I don't know how it'll go since it will be with his IC and my IC.
Jjb, your S is such a sweet boy. I am sure he'll like the idea of helping others.
Oh, Jks, I am not magnanimous. At all. I refused to meet OW for 2 years until I had to because ex was housebound after surgery. I almost did not let our daughter attend his wedding. I even said some not so positive things about OW around my D when she was very young. I was angry, hurt, and disgusted. Nothing would have made me happier than the two of them being miserable and cheating on eachother or leaving eachother.
But years passed. They were married, no one was going anywhere, and I said I could fight It forever, from a place of hurt and betrayal, or Ic ould just accept it. I didn't want my ex back for quite some time, but I was angry for all that was taken from our child and I. But in due time, I knew I had to let it go. Too much energy was spent on them. She was a part of my daughters life no matter what. So, I put my big girl panties on, she attended my daughters preschool graduation and we all went out to dinner after, with his family. And I was fine, to my surprise. She was the one who felt weird, actually. We all attend our daughters special events.
They have been married for five years. She is a part of my daughters life, and sadly enough, I would worry more if it was just ex and D, because I believe OW mediates some of ex's nutty behaviors. The last thing I want is for them to divorce. I thought it might be the greatest karma at one point. But then my daughter would have to experience their divorce and have a family ripped up and I don't want that for her. I wish to God some days my ex would have done this "right" and left me without an affair so I could really be able to embrace his new wife. I do it now with as much grace as possible, and think of only my daughter when I do. What she did will always linger, keeping us from having one of those stepparent relationships that are glorified. Our daughter is very very very emotionally intelligent and observant, so she needs to see there is no animosity there. She needs to feel comfortable around us.
I tell you all of this, because this is something that comes with time and is not always a linear path. Don't rush it.
You are an excellent momma who has your daughters best interest at heart. You are where you need to be, and I promise you, with time, this will heal.
At this point, you are way ahead of the game than I was.
Hey JKSD,
This has been going well for me so far... But We haven't been through litigation yet, so I am obviously worried that things won't remain so. (Huge fear of him asking for 50/50)
BTW, my son is super precocious too!
we refer to him as "deliciously naughty"
I think you are doing great for kid. We haven't been to joint counseling but I would think that it would be great to have a neutral person involved that can help explain to your husband and his family what is best for your daughter. it sounds like the third party will be beneficial to you.
Ginger, Hearing about your detachment and selflessness in the aftermath of infidelity is just so refreshing. It gives us all hope for a healthy future for our children.
Ginger, you're right. You're not magnanimous. You're beyond that!
I don't know if I can ever get there. Because of the TP'S backstabbing behaviour and how xh and her have vilified me in our common profession.
I have told xh and xfil that I will have nothing against xh's new wife if it's another woman.
TP is a scary woman. The games and tricks she has played to get what she wants are quite chilling. I do not trust her and her children around kid and I do not trust xh to stand up for kid. The only one who will look out for kid is probably xfil and xsil.
But I will cross that bridge when I have to.
Jjb, is 50/50 a given over there?
It's different where I am. Custody is shared but the bulk of daily care and access usually falls on one parent.
Stay strong!
You are right JKSD. There is something seriously wrong with Anyone willing to get involved with someone that is married with children. I would feel the same way.
You have an amazingly strong bond with kid. You are the one she is going to model and trust and admire. I think your love for her will protect her from OW. Your sticking up for yourself , and enjoying life during times of stress will teach her how to do the same.
You are doing great.
Thanks, jjb!
Thank you for your kind words. These boards and the kind people I have met and found here are at times the only reasons I still believe in myself and manage to keep myself going.
Like you, I find the world to be a scary place and some days, it is more than I can do to pull myself out of my bed and face a new day.
Am now mulling over first world problems such as how not to go broke trying to fix my new place. I just received a quotation on how much it will cost to do basic repairs and renovation and I think my heart just skipped a beat. I guess I will have to really pare down the repairs to the bare necessities and then slowly do up the place as and when my budget allows.
I guess I am lucky to have first-world problems. And like what tl2 said, at least my debt has a roof over it.
Was explaining to kid that I was busy with the new place. Told her that I was trying to pare things down to within budget. I didn't want to worry her too much so I started a song and dance about how everything was going to be fine. Kid joined in and we both had a good laugh.
I have kid and we love each other so much. At this very moment, life is good. And I am grateful.
Make sure you get more than one estimate. I remember at one time getting an estimate for a retaining wall in our back yard - the price was ridiculous, because basically, the guy was busy and the job was a little bit of a hassle and he just didn't want to be bothered. The next estimate came in less than half as much.
Hire a good contractor to do structural repairs. Cosmetic stuff you can probably learn to do yourself. I became pretty good at tile work myself in my younger days, out of necessity.
Hi kml, thanks for the advice. I have asked for 2 quotes and am waiting for the 2nd one to come in. I am thinking of asking for another 2 more quotes.
I am getting estimates for the remodeling of the bathrooms and the kitchen - hacking of existing tiles and retiling plus cabinetry. These rooms are in rather ghastly conditions and the pink floral tiles in the toilets just give me migraines. *shudder*
Wow, kml, you are something else! To me tiling counts as major work. We are not very good with diy home reno where I come from.
Chugging along on the reno works and trying to decide on a contractor soon. Trying to pare things down to the minimum and even then, the estimates are still beyond what I had expected.
Slowly filling up my and kid's calendar. I just love my friends for being there for us.
Exercise-wise, I have been slacking ever since I failed my skating test amd couldn't proceed to the next level. I promise myself that I will pick up my skates again in the next month.
My pending move has got me thinking about stuff. More specifically xh's stuff that I have at my place, and my stuff that is at xh's place.
I had already returned all the things that he had ever given me or bought me. I was insulted that he had told his family that I was always asking him to buy me stuff and so I returned 2 bags, the wedding ring and the engagement ring. Plus 2 sweaters and other random stuff.
At first I kept and used a very old pencil case of his. I convinced myself that it was a very useful case, even though it was terribly small and could only fit 2 pencils. I returned it to him after one of our many quarrels.
I still have with me some of his neck ties, including the ones he had worn for our wedding. I know I should return them to him. I can't bring myself to throw them away and I can't bring myself to return them to him face to face.
Maybe I will do the cowardly thing that he does and put them in kid's bag and hope that kid will remember to pass them to him or that he will notice. But that is so unfair to kid.
I guess I will just sit on them until I figure out what to do.
Kid had a melt down again. There is a pattern here. She spends one of the nights with her cousin and starts missing her dad. She comes back tired and over-stimulated and then melts down on me.
I validated her feelings and then told her that I get upset when she melts down like that. Told her I was leaving the room to let her calm down.
Kid has now calmed down.
I figured that she is upset about her C quitting the job and leaving the practice. Poor kid. She is now clamming up and stating that she has never liked C at all.
I told her that I like the C. I am sad that she's leaving but I am happy that I have met her. Darn. I wonder if my C would be able to see kid instead. I am willing to pay just so that kid can have someone familiar that she can talk to.
I knew it. He was buttering me up so that he can take kid out of the country.
No can do. Am absolutely fuming. And he's asking it in such a matter of fact way, like it's a foregone conclusion.
I hate him. Am not going to answer him.
Is there a db, validating way to do this? My natural instinct is to tell him to *insert swear words here*
Oh JksD
I don't have any advise. To be honest I know eventually my husband and his mom are going to want to take son to Florida and Disney since they have family there and it makes me so jealous! He will have these great memories with me excluded. I will be missing out and this wasn't my choice to divide the family up. And of course nervous for son to be away from me.
I just try to think that it will be a great experience for my son and that I get to do tons of fun stuff with him all the time. I try to think that there are so many worse things and that I am so lucky to have my son. I know how you feel though.
What is it specifically that upsets you? Do you have a say in this?
I also HATE the buttering up crap. It's so Damm manipulative and insulting. Its kind of like lies. Anytime husband is nice I know there is a reason. My husband is being super nice right now probably because of mediation, but who knows maybe there is something else. OK sorry for hijacking.
I knew it. He was buttering me up so that he can take kid out of the country.
No can do. Am absolutely fuming. And he's asking it in such a matter of fact way, like it's a foregone conclusion.
I hate him. Am not going to answer him.
Grl, why is this such a no-go for you? According to your agreement, is he allowed vacation time with kid? Why can't that vacay be out of the country? Are you afraid they won't come back? Are you afraid kid won't be safe? What's the issue, exactly?
Hi jjb and sunny,
Thanks for weighing in. I really appreciate your views.
I don't begrudge kid's time with the x or his family. In fact I am grateful that the xfil and sil love her. As an only child, she enjoys the company of her cousins as well.
I don't want kid to go out of the country because of safety and legal issues. When kid is old enough to fend for herself, I will let her go on trips with them. Until then, I only trust myself with kid overseas. I am extremely upset because taking kid out of the country is not in the agreement.
Yet, they are using kid to make me bend to their will.
And it really tears me apart to see the pain that kid goes through. It's the mama bear instinct to rip apart anyone who tries to hurt my baby.
I am proud of myself for being able to tell x in a rather civil manner that no means no. Explained my concerns precisely and refused to engage in any heated discussions.
Not a doormat (though my friends would beg to differ) but not a biatch either. And to think that this was a lesson decades in the making.
In other news, this issue affected the way I handled a disagreement with a colleague. Said colleague refused to meet the deadline even though I had given her ample notice. Insisted that there was no way she could complete her job ( would have taken her 1 or 2 days max) even when I tried to explain how her refusal would cause a major delay in the whole organisation.
Frustrated, I finally took the matter to my superior who told me to refer the colleague to her. I replied that I would give the colleague till next Monday. Said colleague might have caught wind of the situation because I managed to get my report the same evening.
I try to bear in mind that the colleague was not my monkey. Yet on the other hand, I wonder if things would have ended on a more amiable note if I had validated her concerns and tried to help her see how it would be advantageous for her if she kept to the deadline. I was civil and all but I threw all dbing skills to the wind as I was so angry over the issue with x.
Yet another news flash. Why do I feel like x is dbing me instead? This raises my suspicions because he sounded like how he did in the early months after BD, when he was trying to nice me into a speedy divorce so that he could move into the TP'S love shack with her 2 children and marry her.
I have to concede that TP is persuasive to say the least.
Once they realised that I wasn't going to expose them or stop the divorce, Hyde took over and Jekyll only made sporadic appearances.
This time round, no more Ms Doormat. I will fight tooth and nail to protect kid and myself.
Hard day at work today.
It's another case of you can't expect the world to be kind to you just because you're kind, the same way you can't expect a shark not to eat you just because you're a vegetarian.
I am so so tired.
I think joining my current organisation is one of the worst life decisions I have ever made. I guess I really need to rethink the situation soon. It has really made me very unhappy because of the clash in values and beliefs. At the end of the day, it might just be another one of the sitchs where I can db my ass off and I still will have to call it quits.
A colleague saw me leaving my rental with kid. I didnt see her. During lunch, she confronted me about the change in my address. In front of a whole table full of colleagues from her department. She asked a lot of intrusive questions. She seemed to want to get me to admit in front of everyone that I was divorced. She seemed to want to watch me squirm in humiliation. I didn't give her the pleasure and skirted her questions as best and civilly as I could.
I held my composure and then joined my other colleagues. And then started complaining via texts to my close friends and colleagues. And I must admit that I was v hurt and lashed out at the female colleague to my friends. To the rest of the world, I was still okay.
It was the humiliation that stung. The disbelief that someone I have never harmed in my whole life would do this to me for no reasons I can think of. Why humiliate me for something that I didn't choose willingly? How could they even make fun of me like that?
I know I could choose my reaction to her. I thought I was very civil to someone who was very mean to me. But it's not true that words can't break your bones. They do and they can break your spirit too.
Anyway, ranting is the way I get steam off and I am really like Dory. Swim a few laps and I do forget. I rarely hold grudges- xh and TP have the dubious honour of being the only ones whom I really hate now. And I do try not to let it consume myself because I know I have to get on with life.
Anyway, I had stopped ranting one or two hours after the incident. Then evening time, I made a snide remark about the incident again.
And my friend said something inconceivablely hurtful. She accused me of being like another colleague whom she always thought had no morals. And the best part was I was trying to validate and concede that I didn't have to let the colleague affect me. And I wasnt going out of my way to avoid the colleague in fear of her.
Ouch. Mega ouch. These 2 friends, they rant too. One of them is impulsive like me and the other one is more reserved. I listen to them and I have their backs, even when it puts me in an awkward position.
And then to hear the more reserved one let rip into me for doing what we all do. That hurt. Because I don't let many ppl see this side of me. I don't let ppl see the pain. I feel betrayed once again.
So I guess the world is a horrible place. And I am a fool for thinking that most people would have enough humanity to not rub salt in my wound and make me feel victimised once again for not having an intact marriage.
Sharks in the water, hyenas on land and monkeys in the trees. What a horrible place this is.
The thing about divorce that's one of those mega blessings-in-disguise is that you find out who really has your back.
I don't know what organization you're with that would tolerate someone treating your personal life as fair game in a professional setting... but I would contemplate a change of venue as well. NOT COOL. I'm sorry you had to live with that.
I'm not sure what to say to you here, because I know that there were periods when my divorce was in process that outraged was the only possible response (even when it wasn't totally called for). So I just send you hugs and I hope it gets a lot better, very soon.
Hi Maybell, thanks for dropping by and your kind words. It really does make a difference to know that there are people who care.
I totally agree with you. I am just aghast at how many people think that D is a contagious disease and at how I would be made to feel like kid and I are second-class citizens.
3rd world attitudes.
I am hanging on because the job pays well and commute is very short.
If I look really close and hard enough, the silver lining would be that I have greater compassion for the outliers of society. I know not to judge because I have not walked a mile in another's shoes.
I was in the car with kid, on our way to brekkie before work and school.
The sun was in my eye as I was driving and I fumbled for my sunglasses. To my surprise, there was something not quite right with the fit. I thought that I must have put on a bit of weight before I realised that it was actually another inane first world problem.
My lash extensions were so long that they were pushing the sunglasses away. I couldn't help but giggle. And then Uptown Funk came up on the radio and I felt so much better.
So there I was in the car, with lashes too long for my glasses, bopping and popping along to Bruno Mars. Kid was in a too cool for school mood to join in the fun.
Short, funky guys with raspy voices have that effect on me. I think it's more the raspy voice than the lack of height that does it for me.
We stopped for brekkie and pma was pretty good. Kid was facing me while I was facing the entrance. Suddenly, kid waved excitedly to some random guy who queued up next to my seat. I turned to see who it was and lo and behold, first world problem number 2 of the day. A problem that was infintely less fun than the first one.
There was the x. I had totally not noticed him coming in. And he wasn't an easy person to miss, not with his current girth.
I looked at him and then continued with my brekkie. He didn't greet me so I didnt think it was necessary to greet him. And then the x became very fidgety. He switched queues. He kept coming over to kiss kid and smile at her. And he kept looking at us.
Maybe I was missing something. But when I looked at x, it was like, 'Oh. There is x.' And life, as we know it to be, continued.
There was the guy for whom I had broken hearts for, and who in the end, had broken mine and kid's. Until recently, I would have faced the derision and opposition from friends and family to give us a second chance.
Now, to channel Gotye, he is just a stranger that I used to know.
Grl, sorry you had to put up with that at work.
One of the things I was afraid of in the beginning (the list was long), was having people find out I was S and becoming a social outcast. Well, that sort of happened. Not specifically because I am D, but because I don't fit into the couples social circle anymore. And it's OK. I have new friends now who have never met mr p, and don't really care. They like me for me. I wish that for you (((Grl))).
Thanks, Sunny!
We should compare our lists. I am sure mine would be longer and less elegant!
It took me a long time to decide if I should change my salutation. My workplace is the inspiration for Mean Girls and many of my colleagues were probably the original muses. But I thought I shouldn't live in fear and shame because I really did nothing wrong.
Seems like my gamble doesn't pay off. Oh well... I still stand by my belief that I am not defined by the salutation in frontbof my name. If anyone has an issue with that, he can have fun with his monkey on his back.
I am trying to find new friends. Kinda hard with my schedule and it's also hard to find people around my age who are not busy with families.
Maybe pole dancing classes should help.
I am sorry you are going through what you are at work. I hate pettiness in the workplace. I have always been fortunate to have great coworkers, except 2 jobs, one where I was hired as a manager, and another where they thought I was hired as a "spy". I continued to just be true to myself, and believe it or not, they eventually came around and some even apologized.
As far as the stigma of divorce goes. It is how you carry it. For example, if an overweight person carries themselves like they are confident and beautiful, she is viewed as the same. If a thinner person is obsessed with her flaws and had o self-confidence, people will see them.
I was a 27 year old with an infant and my husband left me for another woman. I never carried shame with my divorce. I didn't carry it with pride, it's not something one should be boastful for, but I carried all that I accomplished despite not having an intact family with pride. People did look at me and "admire" me for not letting it break me. If I didn't show shame in it, others didn't either.
I have also always been fortunate to have married friends who enjoyed having me as their 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel. They didn't push me to the outside, because I was still me, minus my spouse. Actually, everyone hated my spouse and were relieved to have me there without him. He is aragoant PIA, and no one likes that.
Your divorce is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not an affliction. Don't let it change the way you carry yourself, and others will look right past it. It doesn't define you.
Ginger, thanks for dropping by.
I have been myself for all of my time in my organisation. There are nice people but most tend to withdraw into their shells when the conflict doesn't involve the. Understandable but really discouraging.
My friends have included me in their activities but there is a limit to how much I or kid and I can be involved in their lives. Svcks but it's something that I have to figure out.
I have thought of myself as being diminished but it does hurt when others treat kid and me like lepers. I know it's their monkey and I have to just get used to it.
It doesn't define me. At times, I can see how toxic the whole R with the x and his family (and even my parents) have been and am relieved that I no longer have to be in certain unpleasant sitchs anymore.
It's really my culture over here. Third-world patriarchal sentiments.
Had kid swop over breakfast today. It was the first time in about 2 months that I have sat down at a table with the x.
Interaction with him was limited and mostly initiated by him. I was in a rather good mood cuz a sweet lady had complimented on my outfit. I goofed around with kid and kid got very uptight when I told her that we were going to meet a cute guy later. Poor kid. She was very worried that I was going to introduce her to a boyfriend.
She wanted to know how old he was and if he had any children. I kidded her for a little and enjoyed watching the x squirm before he figured out that it was a boy.
This set me wondering if the x had gone back on our agreement and had introduced TP and her children to kid. And then told kid not to tell me. Kid is still highly stressed and is still pulling her hair out. Something is making her unhappy and stressing her out.
X was cordial and rather chatty. But after the overseas trip incident and kid's hair-pulling issue, and of course, after the whole ordeal that was BD and D, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel snappy, even if I try my hardest not to show it.
Tbh, there are changes to x. He sounds like he's read from the dbing script (when he's not going berserk). He wears a watch and proper shoes when he's out, damn it. I don't think he's worn a watch in all the time that I have know him. He has spent more time doing fun things with kid after the D than in the whole of kid's existence.
These are things that I have always wanted and which would have thrilled me to bits.
I hate that he's doing all these after the D. We weren't enough for him to make the effort.
Tp is probably still very much in his life. Guessing that she's the one who has been providing him with ideas of where to take kid as the ideas were the same ones that I had tagged from a female magazine.
And I wouldn't be surprised if he has moved in with her as my mails are passed to me weeks late. I will be glad to finally have all letters sent to my new place when I close the deal.
I find myself spinning and getting overwhelmed.
The trigger that started it was the mean colleague. Issues about the new place are starting to get to me. I am getting worried about whether I will be able to move into my new place on time as the contractors I have seen have been giving me various quotes and timelines.
Any delays in moving in will mean that I will incur additional costs in extending my lease. As it is, the new place and the works required are costing me more than what I have expected.
And the x's birthday is coming up soon. He hadn't asked kid to spend the day with him and I won't be offering. I have prepared a gift and a card for him but I won't get kid to wish him happy birthday. Last year, he promised to see kid and then dropped her to spend his birthday with TP.
I discovered that my recent spinning has most probably been a result of trying to wean myself from ADs. Okay, not a good idea.
So back to the ADs again today, and I find myself less angry and overwhelmed.
Had a series of exchanges with the x over kid's schedule yesterday. The x was in a rather conciliatory mood and was quite calm, even when I threw a spanner into some of his plans for kid. (Not deliberate; just that we had the same thing planned). For the umpteenth time, I can't help but wonder: has he found this forum??? Omg, or maybe TP is really a flower-farting fairy who is beyond this world, if she can have this effect on him. Or maybe his violence counselling helped?
For the record, if you are reading this post, dear x, please know that while I appreciate the changes in you, please also know that no means no, that I will probably hate you and TP for a really long time and that you should not p!ss me off with some underhanded move, because....
(I always thought that ellipses were far more threatening than actual threats.)
And also that when you wear white bermudas, you should not, I stress, you should not, wear black undies. Just thought I would throw that in. I guess TP forgot to tell you that?
Anyways, back to the journaling. We were communicating quite fine when the x made a cryptic comment that I didn't quite understand. My heckles quickly rose, because he has a very bad habit of texting me messages meant for the toilet paper. It was/ is bl%%dy painful.
I told him that perhaps we should just stick to sharing calendars so that we could prevent unnecessary communication which could lead to 'unfortunate' mistakes like this happening. The x quickly explained that he had misunderstood one of my texts but I was blinded by the pain from past experiences, and was extremely snappy.
This morning, I started a calendar and filled it up with kid's schedule. The x was still in a rather conciliatory mood, and told me not to share the calendar with his old email account. This made me pause a little as I realised that it was the account that I had sent all the electronic 'love letters', reminisces and what nots in the early days post BD. It took me a long time before I stopped because the x was moved by (most of) them. It seems that whatever good these emails did was undone by my pain and hurt and anger. I eventually stopped because each email was a little bit of my heart, and I thought I had better keep some of my heart for myself.
Well, to keep a long story from getting even longer, when I had cooled down, I realised that I had probably over-reacted. Sheepishly, I apologised for being snappy and thanked him for planning fun activities for kid. I goofed around a bit with him through texts when he kept declining and accepting the events in the calendar.
During kid swop for dinner, things were a little strange. The x looked not as friendly as he did yesterday, but he stayed longer than was necessary, and kept asking kid where she wanted to eat. I thought it was strange because he could have settled that in his car, and usually, he was the one who decided.
And then I started wondering if he was trying to get me to suggest that I join them for dinner? I didn't want to mindread too much, so I just let it go.
So, that's that.
I didn't want to mindread too much, so I just let it go.
^^^this^^^
Rinse and repeat as often as necessary.
Hello my lovely lovely friend.
Swinging by to say hello. It's been a while- but I am back from vacay.
Some rather interesting behaviour from the ex here. He still comes across as a very confused man. But honey, no fog can justify black boxers with Bermudas. Just no..
Yes, Sunny. I totally agree. Maybe that is why laundry is piling up?
My hot sassy friend! So glad to hear of the positive updates in your sitch.
Agree that the x is still confused. I can only let him be and continue with my life. Totally agree that the black undies with white berms is totally inexcusable.
Xfil called and asked to meet up. I can sort of guess what the lunch is for.
So if I go MIA on the boards for the next few days, it's because I am busy printing and cutting out V's 'No's and keeping them in my purse.
Met with my mum. I have been dim on her after screaming disagreements on x's access to kid.
It pains me to see how much she's deteroriated and yet there's nothing I can do. She refuses to listen to me to see a doctor for her possible dementia and everyone else refuses to talk to her about it because well, ostriches.
And I realise the part that she has contributed to the demise of my M, especially in the months leading to D (and I had allowed her to unknowingly). She is a good woman and a strong mother but the dementia and her own unhappiness in life gradually took over.
As I look into the crystal ball, I forsee rain with a chance of cr@pballs. Right after my flat, I would have to start worrying about what to do with my mum.
On the bright side, at least I would be brooding over someone who loves me.
So many elephants in the room. One bite at a time.
This must be the season of ghosts of boyfriends/ dates past. Why is everybody and I mean everybody popping out from the woodwork after bd?
Is the universe trying to send me a message?
Not receiving the message very well. Most were nice. Some were meh.
But I swear none of them were harmed in the making of the drama that is my life. Except for maybe 1 or 2. And even then I did my best to let them down gently.
Creepy.
Hi JKSD
Im just catching up right now. Seems like you've been on edge a bit and I'm sorry. We all know the ups and downs of this process. I think the best way to get past it is to accept the loss for what it is in any way you have to.
No more speculating about husband!
My boss is the only person that knows in my work place. For me, Im not prepared to deal with the pity. Although I know my coworkers will be ultra supportive (many of them came to my wedding). I'm sorry that you do not have that support as well, but you do from all of us here.
What would lift your mood a bit? GAL and realize your " so hot, you'd make a dragon want to retire "
Hugs
J.
Hi Jjb,
I have dropped quite a bit of the rope. The x occupies very little of my time, unlike in the beginning when I would think of him even when I was busy with work.
I have spent a lot of my life with him and there are inevitably at least a few triggers in a day. I am proud to say that I just feel a pang of wistfulness and what-could-have-beens and then let the memories go.
This is the place that I write down my observations and ruminations and then file them away.
Yes, the support from here is lovely! It really takes someone who have been through what we've been through to show empathy.
I have been doing fun things with kid. So much so that the flat is starting to look unkempt because I am just so tired at the end of the day.
In fact, we just went to a tree-top obstacle course today. I am so proud of kid and myself for making it through the course despite our fear of heights.
The new flat and the remodelling works are keeping me really busy.
Lol about the 'hot' comment. I don't feel so hot nowadays although one of the contractors did try to hit on me. But I thought he was flirting to get my business.
Sounds like so much fun with the kid! Sounds like you are doing a good job with GAL.
Staying busy is good. While I work through my feelings, being active really does help my PMA and gives me less time to ruminate.
Keep living life!
Hi Ginger,
Thanks for dropping by!
Yup, keeping busy helps. I just have to make sure that I am being busy with the correct things.
This week is a week of triggers with the x's birthday and the upcoming meeting with xfil. Plus kid's continued pulling of hair.
Last year, before the D, I had asked to spend his birthday with kid. He wanted to meet us at a certain time but we couldn't make it that early so he called the whole thing off. Guess toilet paper could only meet him at a certain time. On the morning of his birthday, kid called to greet him happy birthday and he promised to see kid later in the day.
This year, I had kid prepare him a gift and card which she passed to him before his birthday. On the day of his birthday, we didn't call him. He was late in picking kid up. Though he did thank me through text for the present. Which he doesn't bother to do last year.
I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For them to tell me that he was going to marry the toilet paper. This is so unlike him that the toilet paper must be in his ear again.
This really svcks. I wonder what else it is that he/ they want from me. And I really do hate him and toilet paper for the anguish kid is going through.
Hi Jjb,
I have dropped quite a bit of the rope. The x occupies very little of my time, unlike in the beginning when I would think of him even when I was busy with work.
I have spent a lot of my life with him and there are inevitably at least a few triggers in a day. I am proud to say that I just feel a pang of wistfulness and what-could-have-beens and then let the memories go.
This is the place that I write down my observations and ruminations and then file them away.
Yes, the support from here is lovely! It really takes someone who have been through what we've been through to show empathy.
I have been doing fun things with kid. So much so that the flat is starting to look unkempt because I am just so tired at the end of the day.
In fact, we just went to a tree-top obstacle course today. I am so proud of kid and myself for making it through the course despite our fear of heights.
The new flat and the remodelling works are keeping me really busy.
Lol about the 'hot' comment. I don't feel so hot nowadays although one of the contractors did try to hit on me. But I thought he was flirting to get my business.
Everytime I read your posts, I just think what an incredible mom! It's so hard seeing your child not having the father figure you would wish for them to have. But she is 100x blessed having you for a mom.
I love the way you worded, filing away your ruminations...I love posting for this reason as well.
Son and I love to dance to Bruno Mars songs too (dragon retiring)
Hi Grl, just want to check in and say I miss you and I am sorry your kid is stressed. You are doing so much better, more detached and stronger as time goes by. It is good to know that H is not taking up your energy and your life is becoming more and more your own. Good luck with your flat and prayers for your mother, she is lucky to have you by her side at this time of her life.
You are a strong and smart and beautiful woman.
Hi lovely ladies,
Thanks for your kind words!
Am now reaching for my cut- out 'No's and drowning myself in stfu potion. Praying that I will out the validating and db skills to use later.
Curiouser and curiouser.
It seems that wrt xfil I may have to return my crystal ball for a refund.
Take note, file away and continue to try and have an awesome life.
I have managed to find a much cheaper source of hone appliances. Breathing more easily as the savings can be more than 1k!
Visiting a contractor's project to see the quality of work. I am hoping that I will be able to decide on one soon and finalise things. This will be one big load off my mind, until the remodelling starts.
Have more or less decided on where to get my furniture. Will get furniture for the main rooms first and thdn add on slowly.
Meeting a friend for lunch and doing some moe furniture browsing.
Have sorted out my issues of cash flow and things should be working out.
House is cleaner. Laundry is almost done.
But damn it, I have been letting work slide. I have better get done to it before I get bitten in the a$$.
I wish I had taken a financial course in school. I am great with broad strokes but terrible at details. And now all the numbers involved in the new flat, saving for retirement, saving for emergency funds and cash flow for daily expenses are giving me a big headache.
I guess I have always been rather careless with money. One silver lining of the D is that I have been forced to be more deliberate in my spending and saving.
Goal now is to whittle down my mortgage without compromising cash flow and saving. Enough numbers for the day.
There are some really good free apps/websites out there that will gather your banking & credit card accounts in one place. You can use these apps to see where your money is going day-to-day, budgeting, etc. I've used a really well-known one for about six years and it's been incredibly helpful.
What do you feel you don't have a handle on?
Hi Maybell,
I realised that I may have taken too big a mortgage. I have no problems making monthly payments and should be able to have decent savings if I am disciplined.
What freaks me out is that I will have wiped out 100% of my retirement funds. I still have cash plus emergency funds but looking at the size of the mortgage, I will eventually have to downsize and/ or move to a cheaper area. I am planning to do that in about 8 to 10 years time.
What app have you been using, Maybell?
Grl, I use Mint to track everything to a budget.
Maybell, unfortunately Mint doesn't work in my country.
I will still have to grapple with all the various different apps unless I draw up an excel spreadsheet.
Oops, sorry, Sunny. Read too fast and didn't realise that you, and not Maybell, answered my question.
Ok. I love kid but her new look with that half-dropping tooth is really freaking me out. Wondering if I should let it drop naturally or take her to the dentist.
Hey grl, sounds like you have your hands full at the moment! But I am glad to hear that all the preoccupying is stopping you from thinking about the xh.
I guess they are right when people say time is a healer.
Hey Cherry,
Yes, it does stop stinging so much. I wish time could take away the scabs and the scars too.
No, Grl, the scars are there to remind us of what we've been through so we don't make the same mistakes again.
Sunny, You're right.
Fool me twice, shame on me...
I am now the proud owner of a flat and of decades of mortgage. Not quite sure how I feel about this. A little excited, and bitter and resentful that I didn't play my cards to secure a better life for kid and me.
Stupid heart on sleeve.
Okay, project kick-ass katnis has just started.
Spa/ facial - check
Trial pole dancing class - check
The conjuring 2 - not quite sure about that. Too much of a wuss to catch it alone.
I need to start exercising again.
I need to start exercising again.
good grief, me too. But I don't do scary movies, I'm way too old to pretend I like them.
I am a renter. I throw away a large amount of money in rent. What most people pay in a mortgage. My area is so expensive, I can't afford to buy. The short sale on my house killed my credit and I have no downpayment. I will likely be throwing away money for the rest of my life unless I move in with a guy. Or win the lottery.
So you did secure a future for your and your kids by buying your own flat. So congratulations!
Trial pole dancing class? Sounds like fun.... that IS exercising, you know!
Sunny, I actually do like scary movies and zombie movies. But the conjuring was really freaky and I dont have kid with me for tonight.
I will probably wait till I get kid back.
How's Mr Nica?
Ginger, I have also been renting the past year. And it really took quite a chunk out of my salary. My downpayment wiped out my retirement savings. My heart lurched when I saw the pitiful amount left.
(((Ginger))) I am rooting for you to score both a Mr Ginger and the lottery. And I bet that to Mr Ginger, you will be the lottery!
Pole dancing will be exercising, provided I manage to stay on the pole long enough!
It's time for a new thread.
Yes I've been a renter for a while too and the costs do mount up. I'm lucky enough to be buying a place now - but I just wondered whether there are buying options that might be viable.
In the UK, there's an emphasis on affordable housing with schemes to encourage people to buy - shared ownership for example. These can really help in more expensive areas I think.
Just thought I'd mention in case there's anything similar where you are.
x
Sotto,
I am sharing ownership with my kid, and that gets me some housing grants.
The only thing that I can do now is to wait out the market and then swop to a cheaper and more surburban flat in a few years' time. Kid's commute to school was what made me decide to bite the bullet and go for the new flat.
And save. Boy, I really need to be more disciplined and aggressive in my savings and investment.
Thanks for the headsup, Sotto!