So my last thread has locked time for a new one. Thanks ADINVA for the last post on the previous thread - hope all is going well for you!
So I am sure I will lose at least 200 man points for this current thread title, but "Love Actually" is one of my favorite movies. I tend to relate with Colin Firth's character Jaime for a variety of reasons and it represents where I feel I am right now in my life - in a good way!
So the bar is open and I'm feeling generous with the pours! Happy Friday everyone!
BA
I love that movie for so many reasons! Congrats on the good stuff with you and your GF. I went to post and it was locked!
So glad that you started a new thread.
Happy Friday back at ya!
kat
BA,
I'd like some amaretto...
Do you have a sofa somewhere where I can plonk my ass on?!
I LOVE Colin Firth. He's probably one of my favorite all time actors. Good choice! If you lose your "man card", know that you'll always be a rock star in the girls camp.
I'm sitting here with my coffee and avoiding my chores. At least for a few more minutes. I don't have anything exciting to add to the conversation.
D17 is with her dad and I'm trying to finish up some projects so I can start more.
Plus I still have some cleaning and laundering to do. I already talked myself out of mowing the lawn, because it's too hot. So I've penciled that in for Monday after work. It's blissfully quiet in my house. I totally love these weekends now. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but I simply love having my own schedule and nobody to interrupt my quiet ways. Plus, I get to sit in my living room and admire my lovely hardwood floors. I'm in love with them. And something just tells me I'm not going to want to sell this place in a year or two either. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, though. Right now, I'm just enjoying how my living space is slowly but surely becoming what I love. I'm not sure I ever felt that way. Or if I did, it's been a really long time.
Life is good.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Betsey
Ashley loves that movie. I do too but it's her "go to" movie.
I just got home from mini camp in Nova Scotia. Great experience. Some pics on FB. Fab weather - best ever then caught an early flight home to enjoy our gorgeous colours.
Got the last weekends of Autumn booked out while away. And ex texted me about seeing Ryan but offered up 2 dates & one was the requested weekday so I agreed to that.
Josh's grad school reunion was so nice. They opened a brand new building and the dinner was so special since it was the 25th.
Only have 2 weeks at home til I leave for Florida. Lots to do but feeling good.
I will have Baileys please
Barb
Gee, I forgot to ask for my Dr. pepper. Oooppss!
kat
Ok everyone's drinks are ready - first round is on me!
Not too much to really report on in my life. Although I was thoroughly surprised on Friday night when I got home. Walked into my living room and there was D17 home from college on a surprise visit!!! She purchased a bus ticket to come up and a train ticket to go back home on Sunday, so I was over the moon and shocked to see her. While I know she was glad to see me, I suspect the main purpose of her visit was to see her boyfriend
- but hey that's fine with me, I got to spend quite a bit of the weekend with her and she REALLY appreciated the two home cooked barbecued meals I made for her!
Next week my mother comes up to visit me for a couple of weeks. I have a lot planned for the time she will be here. We're going out to Columbus Ohio to visit my Son the first weekend. GF is accompanying us and D16 is going to do most of the driving so that she can get her 45 hours of driving time finished up and receive her license. The second weekend we are going to travel to Richmond to see D17 and let her give my mom a tour of the VCU campus. I also have a behind the scenes White House tour arranged through a friend of my who works there. Mom has always wanted to see the White House so this will really be a nice treat for her.
Well - I guess I had more to write than I thought. Oh I almost forgot, I have a ticket to the first NLDS game on Friday when our Nationals take on either the SF Giants or Pittsburgh Pirates.
BA
BA, I made that same surprise when I was in college. Uh, how was the bus trip????? I have some pretty vivid memories of them, 35+ years later.
Sounds like a great trip to Ohio! Hope you have a blast.
Oh, and I'll be rooting for you come Friday. I'm personally wanting to see the Giants lose. But that's just me, the sore loser in NL West speaking. I'm sick of them. And no, when I lived there I hated them then. I was an A's fan. But then again, I was happy to see KC win last night, even if it kept me up really late. Thank goodness for the Broncos. And hockey starts next week.
It's October already! Where has this year gone?
BTW, D20's team moved up in rankings to #12... and they didn't even play last weekend! She has a match this afternoon, though, and a tournament all weekend. The finals are in Newport News the weekend before Thanksgiving. Although I'm staying home for the holiday this year, I'm trying to figure out how to travel back to VA since I'm making 2 trips to NY this month. Too bad my checkbook isn't overflowing with cash...
Anyhoo, glad to hear your updates!
Hugs-Bets
I've been a Giants fan (football and baseball) since I was a kid...but I also like the Pirates so my solution is to go to Bible Study tonight and not watch the game!
I was happy for the Royals too! 29 years is a very long wait. I remember when George Bret and the gang won the World Series. It was so awesome and then nothing for a very long time. Hope these guys have a blast.
I went outside last night with Cooper. I kept thinking the Royals will do just fine as long as they believe. The moment I said that, I had a chill rush through me. Paranormal me believes in signs. I just knew they would win after that. Too many spirits helping them out.
I went to bed at the top of the 10th. I would be stressing too much if I kept checking in on it. So excited to see that they came through!
kat
Well, now the O's are playing the Royals for the ALCS. Sorry, Kat, but I grew up an O's fan. They were our team in DC and old habits die hard. What a great season for both teams!
Hockey starts on Thursday, and I'm really glad it's back. Plus, watching my D20's team play volleyball on weekends, I seem to be really plugged in to sports lately.
This Saturday, I'm going to a formal fundraising dinner for the Matthew Shepard Foundation. I was asked last week to go on stage with Dennis to present a friend with an award. I'm honored. I've been joking all week that he's my date to the prom. Now I need a dress. So I have an appointment with a bridal consultant (HAHAHA!) tonight to see what I can find that looks appropriate and stunning on a budget. I will probably throw my budget out the window since I'll get to meet Jason Collins. Not that I'm looking for a date. At least with a man.
That's it for me for now...
Carry on!
Betsey
The baseball postseason play has been anything but desirable on my end. My NATs are one game away from elimination when they should have tied the series up - I mean seriously who takes out a pitcher because of walking one guy AFTER he had retired 20 batters in a row!! Matt Williams #FAIL. Hoping Doug Fister can secure us a win tonight and extend the series to at least a game 4. Then yesterday my Tigers finished up sending their third Cy Young Award winner with a third consecutive loss.
To add to my sporting woes, on Saturday my Michigan Wolverines who are having an entirely pathetic season lost to Rutgers. Tonight doesn't look to be much better in the football arena as the Washington Deadskins will be taking on the Seattle Seahawks. I afraid there will be a massacre of monumental proportions.
At least the love life is going well for me! :-)
BA
Sorry, Wii. I have always hated the Giants. Even when I lived in SF (I was an A's fan back then.) And being that the Giants are in division rivals with my team, ain't NO way I could ever root for them. Ever. Ever, ever, ever! The ballpark sure is gorgeous though. A big upgrade from Candlestick. And that's where we went when I lived there... cold, miserable awful place.
BA, at least Matt got ejected? My dad despises Clippard. He thinks he's an epic failure as a pitcher with as many blown saves as he's accumulated. I didn't start watching Saturday night's game until the bottom of the 9th (D17 and I were at Trader Joe's after church and I had to make a late dinner). Then when I heard it was a blown save, it gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. And yes, I watched the next 9 innings. So in effect, I watched the equivalent of one game. Oh yeah, and when I called my folks after church, he was pretty steamed about the blown save.
At least Stammen put forth a great effort in that one. I thought he was gonna screw the pooch too, so it was okay on that front. I like Doug Fister. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Yeah, I heard Blue hasn't been doing well this year. Yikes. I still don't get why Maryland and Rutgers are part of the B10. It actually pisses me off. They don't belong there. So I'm doubly sorry you had little to cheer for this past weekend. And unfortunately, I'm feeling your pain about tonight. It's probably not going to be easy to watch. Better get the scotch out and have a few drams before the first kick off? I'm still a fan of my former team (can't bring myself to call them anything but Washington at this point), but this is probably going to be ugly. BTW, have I ever told you how much I hate Dan Snyder? Well, I do! I hate that greedy, self absorbed, pompous SOB. Jack Kent Cooke is probably rolling over in his grave about now...
At least the love life is going well for me! :-)
Ya know, a year ago, you'd have had a flip side on this observation. So isn't it all good this year?
Hopefully, the Nats end tonight with a big W!
Bets
Hey, growing up the Nationals were the only Canadian team...they were the Expos then. I'd watch Bob Bailey, Ron Fairley, Cocoa Laboy, Bobby Wine, John Boccabella, Rusty Staub, Mack Jones, Bill Stoneman all the time. I have a nice memory of going to Montreal with my Dad to watch them play...but go Giants anyway lol!
I am fine with you cheering on Baltimore but I will be sticking with my boys in blue. They have that certain spark for sure!
I applied for a couple more jobs but after the first one noticed that I hadn't updated the site I was applying from. The problem? No resume! I am a dip sometimes.
kat
LOL I think it's the menopause thing.... You're not alone!
You go right ahead cheering for the blue men. I'd expect you to. Since I already own orange stuff, I'm good. And the Nats one tonight, so BA should be happier.
BTW, a cute neighbor girl came over this weekend to peddle some crap... I mean fundraise for the debate team... They moved into the house in July (kitty corner to me). I asked her where they moved from and she said Topeka! Her dad is a cardio thoracic surgeon. They're nice. Unfortunately the other new neighbors kitty corner from me are from Massachusetts and are hideous. They make my wife beating abusive next door neighbor look like a choir boy.
and apparently they have never seen a lawnmower or thought to hire someone who owns one...
You must have needed to think of me, thus the Topeka girl! Lol. I think most of the people from here are pretty nice but if course we have WBC and my bad neighbors next door that give the rest of us a sour taste in our mouths.
I need some more weekends in my life for sure. More time doing what I want would be good.
kat
I certainly don't hold all the fine citizens of Topeka responsible for those lunatics at WBC. I would probably just avoid any interaction with the Phelps family. Period. They could live anywhere in the USA, and it's just unfortunate they chose Topeka.
Besides, the theater killer is a couple miles from me right now. He's probably everyone's idea of worst neighbor ever. My cop friend had to pull medical duty a couple weeks ago, guarding him. He said there is something seriously wrong with him. He's not a fan of the insanity defense, but says if he ever met anyone who fit it, it's him. Fortunately, the mental hospital is a few hundred miles away. We just can't help having them. Out of our control, you know?
I'll wave at the WBC folks on Saturday. They are bound to,be hanging outside the hotel picketing and offering condemnation for the poor gay and lesbian folks attending. For the first time in my life, I just might have to pass myself off as a lesbian. It would be refreshing to go after them. But it would probably be more productive to beat my head against a wall. And less painful. It never pays to argue with ignorant idiots who don't want to be enlightened.
And just for the record, God hates no one...God is love!
Exactly, Wii. Couldn't have said it better!
You go right ahead cheering for the blue men. I'd expect you to. Since I already own orange stuff, I'm good. And the Nats one tonight, so BA should be happier.
BA is ecstatic about last night's game. Doug Fister rocks!!! I'm a huge Doug Fister fan for three reasons. First, he is a fantastic pitcher who is a team player. Second, he played for Detroit and third he's now a National! Now hoping the somewhat tempermental Gio Gonzalez has a decent game tonight. It would be great to tie this series up and bring those Giants back East to play game 5 here!
So my Mom is arriving here on Thursday for a two week visit. She so needs this time away from Florida. I think I have mentioned before that my sister who lives with her is an alcoholic. Well in the last 4 months she has lost two jobs and has attempted suicide once (last week in fact). When she drinks, which lately is almost all the time, she becomes a very verbally abusive and extremely mean drunk. Because she has been living with my Mother for almost 2 years, my mother cannot throw her out without going through a formal eviction process which is costly and takes a considerable amount of time. My Mother has asked her to leave on several occasions and she simply refuses. So as a result, my mother is going to put her house up on the market and move her self even though the last thing she wants to really do is leave her house - but she sees that as her easiest option right now. To say it is a stressful, frustrating and maddening situation
is putting it mildly to say the least. I and my other sister and brother are pretty much done with our out of control sibling. She has had so many chances to get her life together and all she does is blame others for her problems and refuses to acknowledge her problem. So my mother and I will be discussing her options. I am going to reach out to my sister and tell her she has two weeks to find another place to live and if she doesn't she can kiss any future relationship with me and the rest of the family good bye because I am so done with her. I find it ridiculous for her to force my mother into this type of situation just because she is an addict and wants to drink her self stupid. Argghhh!
BA
Well, thank you for not pointing out that my iPad autocorrected WON to read ONE. Arrgghhh. I'm on my PC right now, so no editing necessary.
BA, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Geo too. I really need to get outside and clean up the last of my hail storm debris before it rains later this week, but baseball might win out. Or would that be laziness?
Gosh, I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's troubles with your sister. I'm sad for her that the easiest way to correct a bad situation is to sell. How did our laws get to be that messy? Especially since she's a squatter and not a renter? Oyyy.
And I feel your pain. I have a heroin addicted brother, and am woefully familiar with how that impacts everyone else. It's not easy. Good luck with your discussion. My experiences haven't been so great - so here's to wishing you a win there too.
Hugs-Bets
BA, your sister is a stereotypical addict. The addict mentality is "If you had a life like mine you'd drink too!" While everyone else says "If you didn't drink so much you wouldn't have a life like that!" The addict doesn't see it. Why doesn't you mother go for the eviction notice? How could that be worse than selling your home? Has your Mom ever gone to Al anon? There can be good support from people who probably deal with much the same issues. Addiction is so hard to deal with, I'm an alcoholic so I know! I also know that change can happen...it did for me 30 years ago and I've been dry ever since. All the best with it.
Thanks Bets and Wii. Wii - yes she is a stereotypical addict and I know that there is always a chance and opportunity for her to turn her life around. However right now she is completely destroying my 76 year old frail mother's life and dragging her down into her self-induced bliss of a black hole and THAT really p!sses me off! Mom has been around alcoholics for most of her life. Her father was one, my father was a recovering alcoholic (sober for the last 10 years of his life thankfully) and now my sister. Mom has gone the al anon route - but what [censored] her into all of this is the love of a mother for her children and the feeling (even though it is wrong) that she is abandoning my sister by taking a tough stand. What doesn't make the situation any better is that she has already lost one child, my brother when he was only 23(due to a brain hemorrhage), and she is terrified that if left alone my sister will either drink herself to death or commit suicide and she can't stand to bury another one of her kids - so I get that. Ughhh. At least she is going to have somewhat of a two week reprieve from all of that down there while she is up visiting me.
So sadly my Nationals lost last night, and I really have no other dog in the fight when it comes to baseball - soooo how about them Capitals!!!
BA
I'm an alcoholic so I know! I also know that change can happen...it did for me 30 years ago and I've been dry ever since. All the best with it.
Wii - BTW, congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety!! Having watched my father become a recovering alcoholic I do understand how difficult of an addiction it is to overcome.
BA
I'm addicted to Pepsi Max now...it gets me into less trouble lol.
At least she is going to have somewhat of a two week reprieve from all of that down there while she is up visiting me.
Well so much for a reprieve for my mother. Ever since she arrived last Thursday, my drunk sister has been acting out in ever increasing levels. She has been non-stop drinking. Cops have been over to my mother's house already once because she accused a neighbor whose house she was at on Sunday to watch football of sexually assaulting her, then when the cops came she recanted the whole story. The next night she is complaining that no one believes her and that it actually happened. Then today she is telling us she's going over to the guys house to apologize for accusing him of the assault. Sorry if this is TMI, but I am just exasperated by all of this.
She has been calling anyone and everyone she can think of to tell people how awful we (especially my mother) all are and to relay any negative thing she has ever said about anyone - making most if not all of them up. She is being so vindictive it is sickening. My mother is a wreck and I'm at my wits end.
My mom thinks she needs to go home early to get my sister under control. I told her that's the last thing she needs to do. Ugghhh!
BA
BA,
I am so sad to read of the ongoing drama-stirring antics of your alcoholic sister. Tell your mother to DB your sister and let her feel the consequences of her own choices without swooping in to "rescue" or "enable" her further.
I feel for ya!
(((BA)))
Thanks Wonka. I've been trying to get my mother to DB my sister for more than a year with no success. However the more destructive and nasty my sister gets the closer my mother moves towards making some real hard decisions. The stress has been brutal on my mom, in fact yesterday morning I had to take her to an urgent care center because she has developed a full blown case of shingles. The doctor pretty much told her while it is common amongst the elderly, it can be triggered by intense periods of stress. I actually had them about 30 years ago. Anyway, she is miserable with the itching and pain even on some pretty good meds. She is supposed to return home to Florida on Thursday. Not sure if she will be ready to fly then or not.
My sister continues her destructive ways. Because she is angry with my mother (for what I have no idea) she took all of the wind chimes that my mother has either collected or been given as gifts (one that she really cherished was a gift from her sister) and cut them up and threw them in the pool. The creepy crawler pool cleaner sucked some of them up and as a result was broken which will require repair. I haven't had the heart to tell my mom this yet because she is frankly too fragile to hear about any more drama at this point.
Then, yesterday she informs my other sister that she had the guy who she accused of raping her a few days ago come over to the house and had sex with him. Ugghhh. She has become a pathological liar and basket case.
BA
Maybe you can have her committed. She is certainly being a psycho witch.
I am so sorry you mom is going through this. How horrible to be held hostage by her own child. I would think your mom would realize that it is time for some very tough love.
kat
Hey BA,
I was thinking the same thing. Maybe it would be in everyone's best interest if you both talked to her dr about having her committed. Not an easy thing to do but she is on a path of destruction. She is likely to get hurt but your Mom is also really in harm's way.
I think you need to support your Mom in this decision.
Thinking of you and hoping it all works out for the best.
Barb
We have tried several times to get her committed. She has been Bakered Acted when means she is admitted for a mandatory 72 hour period where they evaluate. All that has ever happened is that she sobers up and then talks her way out of the facility at the end of the 72 hours. To keep her long than that she has to agree to stay and she won't.
At least this weekend my mother made the decision that she is selling her home and will move from Florida back to Michigan where she lived with my father for more than 30 years. She would rather stay in her home but realizes that at this point it's not an option. She will offer my sister 2 months of paid in residence treatment at a rehabilitation facility after she sells the house. If she refuses then she is on her own to find someplace to live.
Mom is still having a miserable time with this shingles outbreak as well. She flies back to Florida on Thursday.
BA
Hugs to you and your mom, BA. I hope her move goes well and she can reacquaint herself with friends in Michigan.
Josh's mom is losing her battle with cancer. He sounded so down last night. He just flew to Quebec once more and said he thinks he just saw her for the last time.
Sigh…
We are the sandwich generation. Some of us are caregivers on both ends.
Barb
So stressful! Shingles too...wow. I person can be committed short term if they are deemed to be a danger to themselves or others...I'm not sure drunken or bizarre behaviour would be considered such. What powers do the police have in these situations? Here a person can be taken in without the police witnessing the act but on the word of others...not sure about your neck of the woods. When brought to the hospital a psychiatrist will make the decision whether to Form the person or not. You might want to check with the police re what is the law in her area.
Hi BA,
Hope your mom is doing okay this week/weekend. Shingles is nasty-I got them 2 years ago, and they were incredibly painful. Putting on clothes literally hurt my skin. I'm so sorry.
Before I start on my update, I'm pouring you a virtual glass of single malt. I think we both deserve it. Misery loves company, especially with drug addicted siblings. And yes, I've got a new one to add in that department as well. My week has been so topsy turvy. But before I do...
Last weekend in NY was fun and very quick. The weather up in Potsdam was crappy and cold, and it rained most of the time. But my family of crazy people fared well. We ate well and a lot, had a few drinks as well, watched some good volleyball (my D20 won MVP of the tournament), and I got to spend QT with said family and D20's friends and BF. D17, Mr. Wonderful and I traveled together and I'm happy to report that we had a good time. My dad and Mr. Wonderful have remained very close, and for that, I'm glad. His dad is really moody and doesn't treat him like a valued son. Mine does. Go figure.
So, last Tuesday, my 46 year old lifelong drug addicted brother wasn't feeling well and his doctor admitted him to the hospital for testing. The heart arrythmia was pretty severe. While my folks were with me, he had a CT scan and to make the long story short, his heart is shot and he had valve replacement and heart repair surgery on Monday. He'll be in the hospital for awhile, and his status is critical. He's improving, but the cardiac surgeon has warned my folks that they should manage their expectations, because he's nowhere near being out of the woods.
In the meantime, we went under contract for the estate house right before I left. In the middle of all of this is me dealing with my insurance company to deal with the fallout from the September 29th hail storm. It did a LOT of damage to my house. Right now, the total estimate is up to $29K and climbing. And in the middle of all of this is working on my work and fun schedule for my upcoming trip to NYC next week.
One of my big clients cancelled on me, so I'm keeping one appointment, cancelled the rest, and am making an emergency trip to VA to see my brother. So BA, I will be there less than 24 hours. I'll probably be back for a longer period of time in the near future, and will let you know for the real glass of single malt.
This week has been extraordinarily stressful. Thank goodness the Broncos have won twice. The inspection resulted in a punch list of big things that must be corrected, so I've been contacting electricians, garage door people and I'm using the same roofer as the one that is replacing mine. I feel like a walking, talking, breathing to-do list. And in the middle I juggle work (yes, I still actually work), D17's activities, dental appointments, and the occasional call from D20 to talk to me about her potential internship in Lancaster, PA, next summer. I really feel like I'm on auto pilot and not living very authentically at the moment. It's survival mode. However, I think that things will calm down considerably when I get back from NY. Unless my brother's condition worsens. That could just make it a lot worse.
Even my mom told me, "I think he'd be really happy to see you, but I don't want you any more stressed than you already are. Please do the right thing." Since my mom is one to usually promote the obvious, it was a loud statement I heard. Still, I'm making the trip - not so much for my brother, but because I love the rest of my family that much, and it makes them happy.
And BA, when my brother gets out of the hospital, he needs a place to live. It's going to be my parents who put him up. That's going to create a lot of problems down the road if he doesn't stay clean. Because as much as my sister and I love them, we won't visit if he's using and there. He's burned the back end of their house down before.
So my best to your mom and you, and a toast to more stable events VERY SOON!
Now, back to work. That pesky thing that keeps money in the bank. And I have a new client proposal to do, which makes me happy. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Bets
You might want to check with the police re what is the law in her area.
Wii, we Americans put a lot of faith in liberty and the ability to make decisions for ourselves. And as you might guess, it puts a lot of burden on society when people who are not clearly thinking well or making good decisions are allowed to run free. We have what is called a 5150 hold. It allows you to have them hauled into a mental health facility for observation if they are show harm to others and/or themselves. And then you have to go to court to petition for a longer hold and possibly conservatorship. It's not often granted, especially if the other person doesn't want to be there.
We have a case here of a 23 year old kid whose divorced parents tried for years to have him committed, with no success. He's currently standing trial for murdering and dismembering his mother. He actually crashed her car (with her severed body parts in the car) into a wall about 1/4 mile from me. His dad has been very vocal about the lack of help out there, especially since he and the mom told the courts that he *was* a danger to himself and others. Sigh.
I hope this is something that can be more individualized in the near future. I wouldn't want the blanket ability to commit someone, but the ability to do so if there is sufficient cause. It's sad.
Bets - First of all I'm very sorry about your brother and I hope he has a full and speedy recovery and stays clean. I too have told my mother that as long as my sister is in the house I will not be staying there.
Of course any trips back to VA will earn you a dram (or 2, or 3...) of Scotch - I think you know how to get ahold of me.
You are spot on regarding the laws of putting people in a mental facility. We are completely exasperated with the system her and have voiced some of the same concerns as the family did in the case you mentioned. We have had no success other than getting her put in to a facility for 72 hours, long enough for her to sober up and then they simply release her because she will not stay in for treatment. She is now out again and immediately back on the bottle. We are proceeding with a bit of more tougher approach this time via the Marchman Act which will put her in for 5 days with evaluation and then a court hearing to get her committed for longer. I'm not hopeful of the outcome but at least it gets her out of my Mom's house for another 5 days.
The whole thing is taking such a toll on my Mother.
BA
Change her locks. Nothing says she has to live there. I would think she needs to feel rock bottom before she has any thoughts of getting her act together. I know it is hard.
Thinking of you . Kat
From my own experience with my WAW and her mental illness, until your sister decides that she needs help there is not much you can do. I have lived thru all kinds of craziness in the last two years including a strong attempt at suicide in the spring. It was not till this past month when she finally seems to see what she is loosing that she checked her self back into the hospital and is finally accepting and working on herself.
Sorry your sister is not there yet. She will have to decide if and when she wants help. She may never.
Hi all,
I'm gonna post here because I can't put this up on FB yet. BA, apparently our parallel lives will be taking on another twist this year. I'm so glad I *did* get the opportunity to see my brother last week. We mended things.
He had a massive heart attack this morning and is not expected to live. My parents have called the priest for last rites and I'm waiting to hear the update from them. So another trip to VA is undoubtedly in my very near future. I'm really sad. Sad for him, his STBXW (who has been outstanding through all of this), his 16 year old stepdaughter, 7 year old daughter, my parents, sister and the rest of our family. I'm sad for me, my XH (who has always been a big brother to my bro), and my daughters, who love their uncle. My parents are undoubtedly going to have to do the unthinkable - bury their child.
We're praying for a miracle - it's now in God's hands.
What's really weird is that the first piece of news that came across my desk this morning was about the drummer for AC/DC, who was arrested for hiring a hit man to off 2 people. The 1981 Back in Black concert was his very first (he was 13) and my friends and I took him and his BF. When I read it, I thought, "I need to call him and tell him this TMZ like news." He knows of my guilty pleasure/addiction to TMZ...
Anyway, I'm sitting here at work, waiting for a call from my dad. I'm doing all the work I can to minimize impact on everyone else in case we have to fly out tomorrow.
Hugs to everyone. I think we all need one today.
Betsey
I am so sorry to hear your news. It is very fortunate that you were able to mend your fences. That will give you both a lot of peace, regardless of the outcome. I will be sending a prayer, for your brother and family.
Bets - I am so sorry to read this. My thoughts and prayers are with your brother, you and your entire family. Let me know if I can do anything for you out here in VA.
Best,
BA
Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
Big hugs Bets. What a shock. Yes, you were meant to mend those fences. Hopefully he will take a turn for the better so that you can enjoy each other for a while. You and your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers.
kat
So sorry to hear this Betsy! I'm glad you had a chance to see him & mend fences. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Barb
Thank you all. I'm waiting for today's report, though I got one last night.
He went 8 minutes without oxygen. He's on life support and there is no medical POA. The cardiologist told my parents and his XW that it was the repaired valve (he had one replaced 2 weeks ago) that was leaking blood, and the infection has worsened. He told them that they could not do any further surgery. I guess they were going to run tests today (why? I don't know) and then make a plan. I don't know how much they can do without POA so we wait and see. He's not regained consciousness and I truly feel in my heart that he's already gone.
If they can pull the plug, D17 and I will probably fly out Sunday sometime. I'm loading all my work stuff on my laptop so I can work from their house. There is a lot going on here, and I don't want to delay progress on that front - there is quite a bit of money on the table and I fully plan on grabbing what we are offered. And then we close on the estate house on the 17th. What a total CF. But it will all work out.
So thanks for the virtual hugs. They're really appreciated.
xxoo
Betsey
Thanks for the update Bets. I have been wondering how your brother was. I wish there had been better news on his condition. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with all of you in this extremely difficult time.
BA
Thanks, folks.
They pulled him from the respirator last night and his heart is still beating. They're weaning him off the blood pressure meds, which will eventually stop his heart altogether. My parents have contacted the funeral home and the church, and they're making plans. They are at the hospital now, with my cousin.
Ever pragmatic are my family members, and I appreciate that I inherited this from them. One of my cousins is getting married next Saturday, so they are planning the viewing and service after the weekend so that everyone can go celebrate with her (them included). They wanted everyone to have at least 8 hours to regroup before making the transition to something a whole lot more sad.
D20's volleyball team punched their ticket to the NCAA tournament yesterday. We'll find out tomorrow morning if they host, but are 95% likely to do so. So D17 and I will probably fly to NY on Thursday and then drive down to VA with her Sunday. It's perfect timing. The NCAA championship is in Newport News, VA (4 hours south of my folks) so maybe she'll meet her team if they make it that far. My dad said he and mom would drive her car back to NY. I love them for that.
So in the meantime, I'm cleaning my house, doing laundry and trying to get things done before we have to leave. The realtor is scheduling time for me to sign the closing paperwork on the estate house on Wednesday, so I'll be good to go there. I think this just might all work out after all.
Thanks again for all your prayers and well wishes. I really appreciate it.
Blessings Bets. I am really sorry. Everything seems to come all at once. Your family is the most important in all of this. Take the time you need to come to terms with this.
Hugs, kat
Bets,
So sorry once again about your brother. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. If you need anything while here in Virginia don't hesitate to ask.
Best,
BA
Just a side note,you can always call me if want or need to.
kat
Ohhh Dear Bets....
I haven't been around in the Big D forum for a while and was very shocked to read of your brother's health situation. I am so sorry for your loss.
It is good to read that your family is rallying around and supporting each other. Deep breaths...isn't Mr. Wonderful going with you guys?
((((Bets)))
I'm very sorry to come here and read about the health situation of your brother.
Travel safely and know that we all will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.
Hi folks,
Thanks so much for your kind words and support. I'm still here in Colorado. It's bitter cold and snowing. This after a beautiful weekend - Sunday was 74 and sunny. I feel tricked!
My D20's team isn't hosting so back to Hoboken they go. D17 and I are flying back to NJ on Friday to watch, and then we'll hop the train down to DC when they're finished playing. I hope that's late Sunday afternoon!
Things were all going as well as expected until yesterday. My brother is dying and nothing is going to change that. His kidneys are shutting down, and the blood going to them is at a mere trickle. He's still unconscious but resting comfortably. (My folks decided that this life ending event warranted pumping a butt load of morphine into a heroin addict's system. I'm glad they decided to do it because I don't want him in pain.)
My XSIL is now back to her old tricks. She is one of the most manipulative people I've ever met and she has an uncanny knack for taking things people say out of context and twisting them to suit her purposes. Whatever purposes those are, my sister and I believe she is mentally ill. She's back at her old tricks again. I found myself getting hot under the collar when my sister reminded me that she's acting completely in character. That stopped me dead in my tracks. So I just got off the phone with my cousin, who was her intermediary in the latest crapola. We're now good, and he's questioning things she said now. So that's drama NONE of us need right now.
Sigh.
That's my latest health update. My parents have met with the mortuary and church, and talked to the cemetery folks as well. I think they feel better having knowledge of what to expect. Their only conundrum is whether or not to go to my other cousin's wedding on Saturday. I hope they do what they need to do for them.
On a side note, work is hopping. I've got a lot of potential business in the pipeline, and almost all of it is money that must be spent this year. I'm bringing my laptop back east so I don't miss any opportunities to bring in the income. That part is a happy dance.
And then my D20 won her league Player of the Year yesterday. This one week after she was named as a finalist in the Capital One CoSIDA All Academic award. It's pretty prestigious and you have to be nominated for it. To qualify, you have to be a starter on the team and maintain a 3.3 GPA. Her major is chemical engineering with a minor in bioengineering, so this is no small feat. She's a lot smarter than I am.
Despite the losses, she's had a really good year so far. Me too, but those losses are clouding my world at the moment.
And my final good news: I'm signing my part of the closing papers on the estate house tomorrow. What a relief! I'm almost done! Woo hoo!
Now, can someone add an additional 4 weeks to the calendar so I can get my Christmas shopping done???
Hugs to everyone-
Betsey
Wonka,
Mr. Wonderful won't be going with us. He's having a situation at work that won't allow him to leave, but he's been in contact with my folks. And he's given D20 the green light to book any travel on his credit card. He also reiterated his offer to keep D17 for the week, but I declined. I think my family needs *her* now anyway.
So we're all good.
This afternoon, he and I are meeting with our lawyer to update our wills and trusts and get started on the guardianship bandwagon that's coming into focus. We're in a good place with this and we generally agree on pretty much everything on this issue so it shouldn't be too difficult. Time consuming, maybe.
Hi all,
I should hear very soon, as my folks got the call in the wee hours of the morning that my brother was close to death. Thanks for your thoughts.
But I'm here to report the weirdness of life after D. Weird in the Betsey-Mr. Wonderful way of things.
As I mentioned yesterday, we met with our lawyer to discuss updating our wills (last one was done right after he moved out, when we were still married), talk about D17's pending guardianship and set up a new trust from the proceeds of the estate house sale for D17. Our lawyer walked in and we jumped right in the pool's deep end. He asked if we wanted to change our POA/Medical POA and personal representatives. I had already thought about it and knew what I was going to say, but Mr. Wonderful answered first: I want Betsey to be my first PR, POA and MPOA. I immediately said, me too. We kind of looked at each other and smiled.
So we went our separate ways and I got home with D17 after taking her to Red Robin. (Yummmm) I was texting with my aunt and sister when I got a text from Mr. Wonderful:
MW: How weird are we??? After almost 10 years of being divorced, we are still trusting each other to handle each other's estate. Who the hell does that?
Me: LOL, I know. It's totally f*d up. Thank goodness. And thank you.
MW: Thank you, my lady [wow... he hasn't said that to me in more than a decade]. We have a couple of wonderful kids, thanks in a big part to you.
Me: Awww, that's sweet. Thanks. But it was a pleasure, and I thank you for being a good dad, a great provider and in the recent past, a voice of reason. I know they appreciate it too. Especially D20. She and I are sometimes too much alike.
We just blathered on until he got a call from work. It's really weird that aside from the massive loss this year, and the sadness it has brought to me and my family on both sides of the pond, it's been a bittersweet and really successful year too. It's really poignant. D17 and I are in a really good place right now, and that's kind of an unexpected but very welcome surprise. I like good surprises.
Now off to get some work done before I have to leave the office. It's colder than a witch's tit and snowing. We are officially sucking wind in the polar vortex.
Betsey
WOW! You 2 certainly have it together, even when you're not together. I wish I could say the same. I'm left holding the bag with Ryan, can't even communicate with him about R's best interest without him still spewing poison at me. I try to stay out of the line of fire and am still unsure how to handle the "after me" stuff. I do have a will and a plan but he could effectively screw that up.
What a difficult time for your family. Knowing the inevitable. Just waiting. It is SO hard.
Thinking of you.
HUGS!
Barb
It is so inspiring the relationship you guys have. It is something we can all shoot for.
Your cold CO weather has invaded us the last few days, yikes!! If we didn't have the wind,ithinki would be good but this stuff is crazy.
So s19 should knowing coule of days if they get their apartment or not. They would be moving right before Thanksgiving. I am so not ready for that. I had a good cry. He showed me his spring schedule and who would watch the baby for the 4 hours that he has class on Monday,Wednesday and Friday. He also has his work schedule set. At least they are thinking ahead.
kat
Betsey,
I have a very similar relationship with my ex as you do with Mr. Wonderful. It has made life that much easier actually since the divorce. We remain on the same page in all of the major decisions, especially in regard to our two daughters.
Do you think Mr. Wonderful may be possibly re-evaluating his relationship with you? What would happen if he decided he wanted to propose you consider reconnecting? Would you be interested or has that ship definitely sailed? I know for me, even though I appreciate the positive relationship I have with my ex, I would never ever want to go back to that. I'm happy with the direction my life is going - of course having a significant other helps as well! :-)
My thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family. I pray your brother has a peaceful passing from this life to the next.
BA
BA: I admire anyone who can pull that off. It is definitely what is best for the kids.
Kat: The baby and the future has become a reality for your son. I admire his "stepping up to the plate" as so many young people become deadbeat dads or rely on social assistance. It is not unusual to move into one's own apt at age 19. I know this is not the way you planned for it thank God he is being mature and responsible.
My ex stepped out of his alienism for a brief nano second. Ashley sent him a text - asking if he had any recent photos of her (I think she is making him something for Christmas). He replied with "Just this" and sent her a quick sketch he made of her - it was hilarious! We both said it reminded us briefly of the funny guy he used to be. Neither of us had seen that side of him in years.
Josh's Mom was hospitalized last week then moved to a nursing home. Her Alzheimers has progressed to total paranoia and seems to be defeating her more than the cancer. She is down to 90 lbs. Sad…
I am still in Florida. Seeing pics of the snow and cold at home. Psyching myself for my return to the north in one week.
Barb
Just a quick note for you that don't keep up with Betsey on the alt. Her brother passed away this weekend. I don't know much more than she has written here, but I thought you guys would want to know.
Bless you and your family Bets. I am keeping you all in my prayers.
kat
Hey Bets,
Just wanted to shout out and say that I'm thinking of you and your family. (((Bets)))
Hi folks,
This will be a quick drop in. I've been gone so long I feel like it's been a month. My desk looks like a bomb exploded on it. It's a little overwhelming, given that I've had new business calls that need to be squeezed in this week. That part of my life is going well, at least.
The estate house closed last Wednesday. I'm tying up the loose ends now. It had its own drama, none of which was welcome. But at the very least, there is little left to do there. Just in time for the holidays.
While I was gone, my D20's BFF house/cat sat for me. She texted me a photo of my mailbox yesterday. Apparently, in the wee hours of the morning Saturday night/Sunday morning, someone took a baseball bat to my mailbox. WTF? It's completely stupid. I might post that photo on the alt. Now I need to put that on my list of things to do today. Like I needed that, LOL.
The past 10 days have been bittersweet. I'm so glad I went. My D17 and I first flew to Hoboken to watch my D20's volleyball team win regionals to advance to the Elite 8. We then hopped a train (well, a 2nd train because we missed the one I had booked) to DC. While we were enroute, my sister called me to let me know that my brother had passed away peacefully. My dad picked us up at Union Station and just hugged us. He and my cousin were with him when he passed; my mom left the room about 15 minutes prior.
I spent Monday with them making arrangements at the funeral home. I'm SO glad I could do that with them. Logistics, as usual, dominates this process; so we're having visitation, the funeral and his burial the 12th and 13th of December. So I'm flying out again for that. I feel like I've been in planes, trains and automobiles constantly since the middle of October. I'm really, really tired. And I'm trying to forget that I have to schedule time to shop really soon. Like now.
We had lots of visitors, lots of food, and I think we were all grateful for the distraction of heading to the VA Beach area for the volleyball championships. It was a good 4 days that took all of us out of the grieving mode (for the most part). There were moments, for sure. But all in all, we had a good time aside from that. Keeping busy helps me. But I got on the plane last night, and for the first time, had time to think, and then it hit me. Hard. I'm glad my D17 was sound asleep next to me and the overhead lights were off. I had a headache when the waterworks finally stopped.
In the meantime, our TG plans are going to change. D20 decided she couldn't risk the weather preventing her from making a big test upon her return, so she decided not to come home this week and is going to her BF's house instead. Bummer, but I understand. I don't know what Mr. W., D17 and I will do now. He mentioned seeing what his GF is doing, and I'm fine with that. I could use a little alone time this week anyway.
Kat, I will call you this week if you're around. My brother paid me a "visit" the night he died. Funny, but he also showed up for his stepdaughter and my dad as well. We all had the same types of messages, but mine was far longer and more detailed. He spent a lot of time with me.
So that's my news for now. I've got my eyes on 2015 for more peace and smoother sailing.
Blessings to all of you-
Betsey
Hey Bets, sure you can call. Tomorrow night might be best if you are aiming for pre-Thanksgiving. The kids will be with their Dad which might make the fact that s19 is moving less obvious. If not I have a long weekend. Trying to nail down a second job that actually will work with me when there is a computer issue!
I am glad he visited you. I think you really needed that. Does your Dad and step-niece believe in it? I hope so because those messages can be such a gift.
2015 and smooth sailing...count me in because my turning 50 and the aftermath has been anything but! Are you ever going to make it to Olathe?
Talk soon, kat
Kat-I will plan on calling tonight. But if the weekend works better for you, just text me. I'm loving the fact that I will be here for the duration. It feels good not to look at a suitcase for my clothes.
I finalized my TG plans today. Mr. Wonderful called this morning to figure it out and I'm cooking. He supplied the turkey already so we're good there. We agreed on a scaled back version of what I would have done if D20 were home. He said he really didn't want to share it with his GF. I asked a few questions and he pretty much told me that they are through. She's mad at him for not driving to where she lives (in Bumf*ck) and he said he doesn't care. How about that loaded statement?
I've got wine and we'll probably have a few drinks along the way. BA, if we pull a Jimmy Buffett, I'll blame you. We've never gone there, and I don't plan on it. It's just that you had to go ahead and bring that up a few weeks ago. And doggone you, he's been really sweet to me for the past few months. Maybe we're just returning to the state of being good human beings to each other?
Besides, he's the only one to whom I can say "Let's make our funeral plans this week" and gets it. (And I did say that on Sunday when he picked us up.)
I got my mailbox replaced and it looks pretty good. I'm thinking of having my handyman come out next spring and build me something cool anyway. So I appreciate the vandal giving me the thumbs up on that.
Now, if someone can send over the shopping fairy, I'd really appreciate it.
Betsey
p.s. Kat, yes, my dad and niece believe. Our visits all held the same theme. I think he was happy about that and it brought some comfort to my mom as well.
Tonight is good. I will just be cleaning and who doesn't want/need a break from that! I have most of my xmas shopping done. I hate to do it before Thanksgiving but I need to spread it out money wise. I can help you if you want.
I do need to run to the store right after work, but should be good after 6:30 which is 5:30 your time. If that works for you I am good. I am going to text you my home phone since I don't always hear very well on my cell.
kat
Good for you, Kat!
Back when I was married and had money, I usually had all the shopping done before Thanksgiving. The only thing I left for December was stocking stuffers. I really miss that. It frees up finding time for fun. Though I will freely admit that the reason I did it then was to eliminate my holiday anxiety. I filled up the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas with expectations and activities just so I didn't have to deal with the reasons behind my anxiety. So perhaps that makes me somewhat of a hypocrite?
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that peace follows shortly. You and your family deserve a little peace about now.
Hugs-Bets
Provided I have money, I hope to get my shopping done by the morning of December 25th... :-(
Haven't updated in a while so here goes in case anyone might be interested:
1. Crazy sister - She's out of my mother's house (yeah - happy dance!) and in a pseudo rehab center almost 100 miles away. I say pseudo because there really isn't any therapy provided, it's more like a halfway house with curfew laws and they do random blood testing. Any positive test for any drugs or alcohol and she gets the boot. I have low to no expectations, so hopefully she'll prove me wrong.
2. Stressed out Mother - To get my sister out of the house, she had to put it on the market. It sold in just 2 days for above the asking price. The downsize is she could only find a smaller and a bit less functional place to move into. She is angry (as am I) that it took putting her house on the market and having to move to get her daughter out of her house and to stop the harassment. I am traveling down to see her this weekend and help her get things boxed up and ready to move into the new place. She closes on Monday the 8th.
3. Girlfriend - Things are still going very, very well with her and I. Dec 6th marks the 1 year date of when she first contacted me on Match. So I guess that means she likes me ;-).
I had a great Thanksgiving with my oldest daughter visiting from Wisconsin. She helped out with cooking the Thanksgiving dinner and I must say it turned out pretty nicely. It was a small gathering, just me, her, GF and her two kids. D18 and D16 were with their Mom and my son had a "Friendsgiving" near where he lives.
That's about it - no real drama in my life right now of which I am eternally grateful for, which makes me wonder if that should concern me, i.e the quiet before a storm that I am unaware of...
BA
Shhhhh!
We don't speak of the "quiet"...lol
I am happy to hear that life is treating you well. Enjoy!
Thanks SP. Life has been good to me as of late and I am very, very appreciate of it and take nothing for granted.
On another note - to all of you that I know in the alt, I will be deactivating my account there that was solely for DB friends. You can find my real life account under the same name.
BA
Hiya BA!
I ditto SP's commentary about the quiet. It's not always waiting for the shoe to drop. At least I'm pretty sure of that.
Sigh. Well, we do/did have this in common. My brother was homeless before he died. I know that one stresses your mom out as well. But truthfully, the barn door is open and the animals are probably in China by now. There is no time like now to get sober. Or not. Either way, not your mom's circus or her monkeys. I do pray for peace for you guys, though. I know it's elusive and extraordinarily difficult when the actions of an addict affect everyone around them. It's hideous.
Sigh. And I know it doesn't help anyone to point out the obvious that your mom had a hand in this outcome. She and my mom would probably get along really well in the enablers group. The only reason my brother was homeless was because he stole all my mom's jewelry and pawned off all her silver. She had lots of both, and I found out 2 weeks ago that the replacement value was $27K. Yes, $27K. My dad was so furious he told my mom that she better agree with him to kick his a$$ out or he would file for D. That was the first time in 30 years of my brother's addiction that my dad had the final word. But I could totally see my mom allowing it to happen if my dad were not there. My sister finds herself getting torqued about it, but I remind her that 1) our parents forgave him; and 2) he spent his part of his inheritance. She always told us that one would get the silver, one the china and the other the crystal. My bro just took his before she was done with it. I say this with a sense of lightness because it's done, my parents have made peace with it, and he won't be able to pay them back. So it will be buried with him. And trust me when I tell you that when I'm buried next to him, I'm gonna kick his a$$ for miles. I'll also be grateful that my sis and I won't have to deal with his drug addiction the day we divvy up their stuff either.
Hopefully, the negatives to downsizing are outweighed by the peace she will have without this albatross around her neck? At the very least, the albatross around you and your siblings' necks???
You so deserve this, BA. I think the bittersweetness of life keeps the balance and serves as a reminder to be grateful for the good in our lives. I know it's been true for me this year. I've had such a tremendously good year here at work this year - which has balanced out the personal losses for sure. Then when I'm back for the funeral, it will be another reminder for me to be grateful for my kooky family. Please feel free to join us at the visitation. I'm awfully certain that scotch will follow. Nobody does wakes like the Irish and Scots. I've got both in my family. And I might have to do an AC/DC tribute for him afterward. Something that includes Highway to Hell - which was both our favorite song of theirs. I'm sure my mom will be appalled...
There probably are storms in all our future. Can't get around that. But without rain, there are no rainbows. Of course it goes without saying that without sun there are no rainbows either. But then again, you need both to see the sheer beauty in things, right?
Hugs for you, my friend.
Bets
There probably are storms in all our future. Can't get around that. But without rain, there are no rainbows. Of course it goes without saying that without sun there are no rainbows either. But then again, you need both to see the sheer beauty in things, right?
Thanks Bets. Wise words as always and much appreciated! Seeing how we've both weathered hurricanes in our past I guess I shouldn't be concerned about any unseen or unknown storms beyond the horizon.
So you didn't mention, but how did Thanksgiving go with Mr. Wonderful? Did you behave yourself?
Look for me at the visitation - I'll be the Irishman in the corner thirsty for Scotch - oh and I just can't wait to hear you belt out Highway to Hell!
BA
BA-Hurricanes! Yes, that's probably the truth for both of us this year. 2015 will bring calmer seas... hopefully.
TG went well, and nothing was out of the ordinary.
We drank wine and noshed on appetizers in the afternoon while watching football. I wound up inviting my cop friend over, as he was on duty and my hood is in his patrol area. Unfortunately, he had to deal with a drive by shooting and 2 suicides, so he couldn't make it. (How awful is that? One of the suicides was hideous - out in the driveway while the neighbors and wife watched in horror.) Anyhoo, the 3 of us ate well and then D20 and her BF facetimed us right at the end of the meal. We were all leaning over on my iPad and she started to laugh... she saw we were drinking our wine and said with a huge grin, "I miss you all. You know you're really weird, right? But I love you for that." We had to laugh.
He washed dishes, I dried and put away and we watched more football until he and D17 were nearly falling asleep. As they walked by me to leave, he tickled my foot with a grin and said, "Later, Tater. Thanks for everything."
I love your term, "friendsgiving". I think that's what I'm gonna call it from now on. Of course, I'll give you literary credit for it, okay?
The visitation after work is from 6-8 with the rosary at 7. Being the good Catholic you are, bring yours. I don't know if I'm gonna belt it out or just play it on my iPhone. I'll use that song as the last act for the evening play, just like Mr. Wonderful and I did at our wedding. It will be my tribute. But if we all sing it, I'm sure that it will be a better showing... right? And I'll say with 100% certainty that my bro will be laughing his ass off at that. I won't do it at the earlier one, because that's going to be loaded with friends of my parents that won't ever get this...
Right now I'm trying to stave off a cold that I've felt coming for a few days. One of the office staff at the dentist this morning shoved some oregano oil and garlic pills in a baggie for me. I'm now burping oregano. I kind of wish I had some marinara sauce to go with this.
Rough day today. We had to put our 12 year old Irish Red and White Setter down. She has been in pain and unable to really move around at all. Took her to the vet and they felt that was the best option for her, that there wasn't a lot they could do for her. We've had her since she was 9 weeks old and was such a huge part of the family. She will be missed so much.
BA
Sorry BA, that is very sad news.
Really sorry to hear about your dog. They are unconditional love personified. My dog can drive me crazy at times, I will have had him 3 years tomorrow but I know he loves me with all of his being. He has gotten me through a lot. More than he will ever know. I am sure your fur baby did the same for you.
Hugs, kat
Hey BA,
So sorry to hear that your dog has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. One of the hardest things to deal with. Our first dog, Cheyenne, was an Irish Setter. They are such stunning, loyal pets.
Barb
BA--I'm so ready for 2014 to be over. I consider this one "The year of big loss". It's been extremely tough. Thank you so much for your friendship and presence last Friday night. BTW, I went out and bought some Bailey's and Irish Mist this week and have decided it's the drink of 2014 holiday season. My D20 doesn't like it, though. More for me!
On a happier note, my XSIL and I decided to bury the hatchet and start over. I feel a lot lighter about that. She said she realized that my brother made sure that she had an antagonistic R with all of us and wondered why. Once she said it, I realized she was right and that undoubtedly, it was a protection mechanism to keep us from comparing his lies. What a bummer. Anyway, we're going forward and that's a happy change. I think I'm going to create a memory book for his D6 with photos of her Papa. AFTER the holidays.
I'm having incredibly weird dreams lately. They're vivid and obscure. The one I had this morning just confuses me. I'm not sure what they mean, but maybe it's time to set up an appointment with a medium again. It would be nice to have a little clarity.
Hope all is well with y'all.
p.s. I just realized that today is the 12th anniversary of "the bomb". Who'd have thought that there would be a good life more than a decade after that destruction?
Hi Bets!!
2014 has sure been a mixed bag. Some really good things have happened and some really bad things. Hoping that the good things spread into 2015 and the bad things simply stay buried in the past.
Last Friday was great. You have a wonderful family! Your parents are the nicest and most welcoming people I've met in a long time! Thanks for letting me "crash" the dinner. Plus it was great to hang out with you again, drink some good scotch (and yes the baileys and Irish Mist was great too) and see the reaction on your face when your old college roomie showed up unexpectedly! :-)
As for the dreams, I am the worst at remembering anything I ever dream. Very frustrating sometimes, because I will wake up thinking wow that was weird and then within just a few minutes, the whole dream has faded from my memory and I can't remember a darn thing about it.
Best,
BA
Well, I don't think remembering my dreams makes me any less confused! The one I had today had me getting back together with my long time BF before I met Mr. Wonderful. (Yep, he was from VA though I met him in Scotland.
) I have no idea where his real life wife went, but we were definitely a couple and I was thrilled. We moved in together... to the house that Mr. Wonderful and I lived in when we moved to Colorado. I was really disturbed about it, but nobody else thought it was weird. The only reason I woke up is because the damn roofers showed up before the cock crowed this morning, and the thunderous noise of removing shingles offended my delicate sensibilities... not to mention my plans to have a sleep in a little while today. Otherwise, I might have found out enough to figure out the whys. But I sure wasn't unhappy that we wound up back together. LOL.
My family liked you too, so you're even! I love them too. This trip home on Sunday was probably the hardest return I've had in more than 20 years. I bawled half the flight home. I've never been shy about telling everyone I miss them, but this departure was actually painful. I'm still stunned that my friends figured out where to find us! Home? No. Anthony's? Nope. Must be the Irish pub! Bingo! The fabulous gift about having all my pals together at the funeral was our pinky promise to travel together every year. College roomie and I both have kids who go to college in NY and play sports, so it's been really easy for us to schedule that time. We're adding the other eager 2 because it's just right. So we'll do a volleyball trip next year and then convert it to something the group elects to do. It'll probably be something back east, since the 3 of them are all there. My heart aches just thinking of them. I'm so blessed!
I'm still stunned by her trip down from Philly. They really do keep good secrets! You didn't meet #3, as she and her hubs came to the early visitation. She's a gem too!
Time to go get D17. I totally forgot to get her on Tuesday, so that's not gonna happen today. Blech.
Bets
Happy New Year to all!
BA, after seeing that photo of you with the bottle, I hope you're not in your cups this week!
(I'm at work and definitely jealous.)
Christmas was lovely. Who'd have thought less presents under the tree would be the hallmark of blessings in my household? Although my D17 has been irritable and snarky, we've moved around her and had a wonderful time.
I shared the story of my X-SIL on Kat's thread. She received a message from my brother during a dream to send me money (that he owed me). She wired the funds through an i-Phone app (my SIL is extremely savvy with things) and voila! I had $400 more in my checking account!
Plus a client's very large check arrived so I immediately sent my employees a Christmas bonus. It felt really good to be generous. We have a lot of work to do after the new year, and I'm really grateful for that. Idle hands are poor hands, and I lived like that longer than I was comfortable. No more of that!
Then yesterday, D17's trust was funded. Happy, happy day for my family--all the way around.
Right now, I'm doing year end stuff and interviewing agencies to be D17's support and my employer after she turns 18. Our family coordinator put out an RFP in November and got back more than 40 responses. OY! I looked at Mr. Wonderful and said, "I hope you're really grateful to have ME for your XW." He sheepishly grinned and said, "You know I am."
So I decided to contact the first 6 and see what happens. I have a feeling that it's going to be one and done, but I'm committed to meeting everyone in that 6. I met with the first one Christmas Eve (and LOVED them); yesterday was one, and the next is in a few hours. Two are next week and one hasn't responded. They are all so nice and helpful.
I should probably mention the miracle here. She was saved a slot on a decent waiver program, and we were planning on proceeding with that. But there is a program that we were told the wait list was long and it would be a few years before we knew where we'd be on that list. It fell into our laps earlier this month. So that necessitated us making new plans and changing things around. It will require some sacrifices, most of which will be mine to make - willingly. I just asked her dad to support me 100% so that I could make those sacrifices. Fortunately, they are time sacrifices and not money. She's so blessed. Everyone I've talked to has been nothing short of astounded that she wound up securing a spot on this program. It truly *is* a miracle.
In the meantime, D20 and I had a girl's spa day on Friday and then the 3 of us went downtown to eat at La Fondue (wayyyy yummy) and head over to see the Grinch. It was totally awesome. In case some of you don't know me on the alt, my family is totally into the Grinch. D20 does a fabulous improv of Jim Carrey, and literally keeps everyone in stitches. We do this all year. Not just at Christmas. (She's also really into the Madagascar penguins--guaranteed to make D17 go into fits of laughter.) Add The Incredibles, and you've got home made movies live. Unfortunately, she's heading back to school a week from today. This time, we won't see her until May. That's a bummer. Even then, it will probably be short lived as she's interviewing for an internship in Pittsburgh--working with 3D printers--and they love her as much as she loves them. They're growing up, my girls.
In the meantime, I'm just grateful for now. Last night, I made D20 watch The Dead Files with me. She's a scaredy cat and wound up sleeping with me. LOL.
Time to do a little work before trudging across town in the snow and frigid temps. It's 2 degrees, and with snow packed roads with ice underneath, is not a fun thing to do. Even if it really does look like Christmas out here.
Happy New Year to all!
Betsey
Hey Bets! Glad that you had a nice Christmas and that is great about reconnecting with the estranged SIL. I hope the bond continues to grow.
Great news for you on the financial front as well. What a nice boss you are - I can just imagine how happy your employees were to receive and unexpected bonus, especially at this time of year.
I am not on vacation, as I received the short straw and get to cover the office while others are out. It's ok though because my girls have been in California with their mother ever since Christmas night. We had a nice Christmas though. I had them Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. GF celebrated Christmas with us as well, so it was a very nice holiday. GF and XW got to have their first ever meeting on Christmas day when she came to pick up the girls for the airport. That all went well.
I have no big plans for New Years Eve. I will spend it by myself at home with my favorite choice of beverage. I quit going out to parties a long time ago. Not worth it to be on the roads with a bunch of potential drunks. GF will be with her kids and we will be getting together on New Years Eve.
So yesterday, I had an epiphany of sorts. I have been working with my Mother for some time now getting her settled into her new house and dealing with the stuff that she wants to get fixed. It seems that at every turn there is either something new wrong or something isn't going right and she goes negative on me. Well as I was dealing with smoothing over the latest issue with her I realized that ever since I can remember I have been trying to make my mother a happy person. I've always felt like she got a raw deal in life with the way my dad treated her and everything and she always needed to be lifted up. That she deserved to have a happy life. The problem is I'm not sure she actually wants one, and besides it's not my role or responsibility to provide her with one. I then realized that this behavior most likely had a huge influence in the two women that are now my ex-wives, because they have a similar negative outlook on life and I spent a good deal of time trying to make them happy - thinking if they are happy with life then they will be happy with me and everyone will just be happy - I MEAN CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE HAPPY!!
I know climb down from the ledge!
Anyway, I'm not sure why it took me 56 years to figure this all out - specifically the connection between my mother but I'm very happy I did. One positive thing is that my GF fortunately does not follow this mold and is happy on her own, so at least I'm not falling into the same situation a third time. (Happy dance here)
Ok enough psycho-analyzing BS for the day. Happy New Year all!!
BA
Wow, BA, that's some heavy processing for the holidays. I admire you for having the courage to admit this to yourself. Then you add what women you chose to finish your R with your mom and... well... congrats for figuring this out. If it's any consolation, I think many of us here (and our former spouses) have had this same dynamic. Our baggage and how we manage it is some heavy lifting. Looking back, I wonder why we didn't see some of it?
Go one step further, and my guess is that your mom chose your dad so she could permit the very dynamic you suggested. Maybe even have a scape goat?
For me personally, I absorbed my parents' abandonment issues and they played out in some really ugly ways.
The good news is that you've done the work, my friend. And 56? I say better to do it now and have the rest of your life to let it go and enjoy your own life, right?
I, too, gave up the social NYE years ago. Hell, I had 2 close encounters on the way to work today without the drunk driving playing a factor. Four miles from door to door and I literally was almost obliterated twice. Can't wait to get home. Although this is a long shot, yesterday there was a Cessna plane crash 1.5 miles to the east from me. I live about 1.5 miles northwest of the busiest commuter airport in the country. Most of the crashes are south of the airport, but I just figured one of these days... the pilot was killed and the crash site was literally 10 feet in front of a house. Nobody else was hurt. How would that be to wake up to at 4:45 am?
Anyway, D20 is heading to Golden to hang out with friends and D17 and I are probably gonna hang out and watch movies and eat pizza. That's about my speed for sure.
Happy 2015 to all of our friends here as well!
Betsey
Ah BA, men love to do things! If we see a need we sweep right in to fix it...well, some of us anyway. If we do things to make things right then we won't be rejected, right? I've been saviour in both my last relationships...at least in the last one I decided no more. It was just one sitch to another and I was running my butt off trying to make it all have a fairy tale ending...it did, but without me in the end
In my marriage I ran my butt off too, trying to handle everything so that Voldy didn't have a nervous breakdown. That got me a divorce. Is she any happier without me? Nope. Like your Mom, it's her equilibrium, it's the way she knows how to be...it's comforting and secure when you live in what you know. I work with people all the time whose lives are a friggin' mess but want to do nothing about it...cuz doing something means change and we don't like change! Anyway, glad you got in touch with your issue and can now try and keep it in check with your new love...it'll crop up cuz these issues always do.
Happy New Year.
Soooo, what's up, everyone? It's been a few weeks so I think it's time to check in here. It's a holiday and I'm at work. Please note I did not say I'm working. It's already lunch time, and I have done anything remotely resembling work here at the office.
January is half over. And it's been busy here in my world. D17 started her basketball at school for the Project Unify team. Please note I did not say "play basketball". That would imply a few things: 1) she's cognizant of why she's on the court; 2) she understands that moving the ball is the only goal in the game; 3) when she's on the court, hustling is a priority. She doesn't do any of the above. When it's her turn, Mr. Wonderful and I just shake our heads and kind of groan. We both shout out, "RUN!" Instead, she waves at us while holding the hand of a typical peer, and just meanders mid court--sometimes yawning and sometimes signing "all done" at the score keepers. I literally run along the bleachers, parallel to the court, to show her to run. Nope. Not gonna happen. BUT she loves it. The kids are awesome and for some reason, they like holding her hand in mid court.
My favorite comment was Friday night when she was getting ready to take her turn. I looked over at Mr. W. and he said, "Oh God. They're putting her in. Just when they took the lead." LOL. A distinct difference between the athleticism of our two girls.
That keeps us occupied a few nights a week. And it's really fun. These kids have a way of making you feel happy just watching them. Where else can you pay $5 to feel that way?
Aside from the real life stuff--like walking D20 through putting a deposit on her townhouse for senior year; OR trading in my little RX-8 for a more practical mini van; OR project managing a big and lucrative project in southern California; OR re-hiring my much loved and appreciated cleaning people at home--I've been pretty damn busy. Mr. Wonderful and I have embarked on getting guardianship of D17, who turns 18 on March 3. This is not a job for sissies! On top of that, I'm getting trained to take over as her family caregiver. Basically, I'm going through CNA training. Holy cow. I really didn't need this right now, but since she's not moving her birthday any time soon, I gotta take my medicine.
I'm back to painting furniture to help my stress level. I really enjoy that. Right now, I'm working on a jewelry armoire. Oh, and rearranging the furniture in my house. And shopping like a fool because I'm sick of everything. I'm *so* happy D20 is moving into her own place next year... I'd feel bad replacing perfectly good stuff that I still like, but I'm doing it to help a poor, starving and unemployed kid. So I'm feeling better about myself every minute. Who says being self serving isn't pleasurable????
Now to my latest whine of the week. My BFF is on my ass to find my soul mate. Sigh. I told her last night that I don't want to date. I don't want to find a nice guy. But if one shows up at my door, I'll invite him in AND be nice. Until I change my mind, I'm choosing ME. I'm nice to me. I'm empathetic about everything that's going on in my life. And I make sure to tell me that this is all okay. Then my BFF says that by turning 18, my youngest effectively makes me an empty nester - even though she's not leaving my nest and I'm gonna be her caregiver. Sigh. Why can't they just go out and do what they say I should do and leave me alone? When I'm ready to seek out someone for myself, I will do it.
THIS time, I'm not avoiding something that I fear. I simply have no bandwidth for any other heavy lifting in my life, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I need to process my feelings about all the other stuff. Then you add the periodic bouts of grieving and you have yourself a fine mess. No. I'm just not going to do it because she thinks 10 years of being divorced is long enough for me. I just need to honor my feelings as I navigate these huge changes in my life. Is that so wrong?
(Hypothetical question. Because I *know* the answer.
)
Anyway, I'm taking deep breaths and living through all of this stuff. Add another stressor to the mix: last week, D17 must have hit something at my office (she was coloring, crying out loud) and chipped her front tooth half off. We're going to the dentist tomorrow afternoon to evaluate the recommended course of action. Which, BTW, I don't have room in my schedule for. But I'm gonna have to create it. It will undoubtedly include a trip to Children's Hospital and anesthesia for my little special needs nightmare. Can you see me jumping up and down from excitement? Oh, I thought not. It's more or less along the lines of banging my head on my desk anyway...
Wii, I'm holding out for that fairy tale ending. I'm hoping that it 1) doesn't involve any participants in white, 2) doesn't have some bizarre twist or unforeseen consequence, and 3) doesn't have to involve any knights of any kind.
But I take cash and anyone with mops and buckets...
Betsey, you date when you want to date! Who gives a flying crap about officially being an "empty nester" or someone else's idea that you need that non-existent "soul mate". You date when you feel you have something to give and you want to give it! I've decided that I don't want to right now either. I've dated a couple of nice women but I'm just not there for it. The last one told me "It's important to know what you want because then you know what you have to offer" Wise woman. Anyway, a great life does not depend on someone else being in your life...but it's great to know you have that choice. Carry on!
Excellent post, WII! Exactly what I would have said if I got here first. Do what is right for YOU! If you don't want to date today but you do tomm. That's fine. Or never. That's fine too. It's YOUR life.
As for your ongoing caregiver stuff with your daughter - welcome to my life. Every day it's something. But I wouldn't trade being Ryan's mom for all the tea in China. We have been given special gifts. And with the struggles come the triumphs (but you know that). No one can truly appreciate our pain or our elation - they don't walk in our shoes.
I love hearing your stories about your daughter on the basketball court. Makes my heart smile. Because what I wouldn't give for Ryan to be able to do this! But he brings me joy in different ways. And I love him to the moon & back.
Onward...
Hits,
Barb
Hits??? I wrote HUGS! 1 second later it said I could not edit because too much time had lapsed. Damn autocorrect!
Barb
Barb,
Are you taking Gineen's place in auto correct hell?
Gotta tell you that I laughed out loud reading hits. For whatever reason, I think I'm disturbed that way.
I love hearing your stories about your daughter on the basketball court. Makes my heart smile. Because what I wouldn't give for Ryan to be able to do this! But he brings me joy in different ways. And I love him to the moon & back.
I do love our kids too! They bring unexpected joy to the most mundane things. Things that we take for granted. You'll be happy to read that there are LOTS of non-verbal kiddos in wheel chairs on these teams. They have their typical peers roll them up and down the court and "help" them shoot the ball. They have trash cans at the end of each courts so that the wheel chair kids can make the baskets. It's hilarious and everyone has a good time. The best part? The fans in the stands are a mix of parents - both special and typical kids. And we cheer for everyone!
And thank you both for reaffirming my thoughts on the dating subject. I so totally agree. My mom weighed in last night after I told her that and that BFF asked me at the end of the conversation when I was coming home. (My BFF is her 3rd daughter and lives close by them.) My mom came out swinging. (I love my mom.) Fortunately for me, my mom gets this. She migrated to DC from the north shore of Minnesota - about 20 miles from the Canadian border. She never went back there to live and heard the same crapola from her friends and extended family (never her mom).
Her pet peeves:
1) Colorado has been my home since 1991. This is home. Not VA. Although VA will always be my childhood home and I have lots of roots there. (Mom is really adamant about this one, LOL.) 2) The people who ask me when I'm coming home next are the same ones who don't come visit me. Planes actually LEAVE DC as well as fly there. 3) My BFF has never been married (though she's a great godmother to my D20 and auntie to her own); she's had a lifetime of dating unavailable men and turns down ones who genuinely care. So what makes her a role model for me? (Okay, I really laughed when she said this.)
Anyway, hearing my mom go off kind of made me happy. She hates that everyone expects me to do the traveling. And she also hates that they expect me to haul my girls with me. Not so bad now, but when they were little, it really svcked. Especially D17, who was horribly hyperactive and had a hideous case of being OCD. Last year, my cousin paid for my airfare to come for Thanksgiving. I really appreciated it because I truly couldn't afford $750 to do that. They wanted me home bad enough to make the offer. So with the exception of my cousin and one of my college roommates, I can't remember when someone last visited me other than my siblings. I will offer that my college pals who came to my brother's funeral started a dialogue of when they could fly out to Colorado. And one of them gets a complete free pass, as her dad died last year, her mom's health is precarious, she surprised me by driving down from Philly to the funeral, and she's my traveling partner for college volleyball. So there you have it.
Apparently, I felt the need to justify being annoyed. LOL. I'm not *that* annoyed because I don't have time. I'm taking D17 to the dentist today, and I have to call a washer repairman since mine is leaking. I just need to keep moving toward the light... my mantra.
Anyway, carry one ya'll. Thanks for the support!
spokay. Single and okay. Term coined courtesy of advina. By bff has been saying I need to "get back in the game". I dated for a short period but stopped when I just didn't feel it was worth it. The drama.. And she doesn't get that I'm actually good with being by myself right now. That I am happy enjoying the moments with friends and with my kids... So I say.. Whatevs! You do what you know is right for you! I am a little confused though... I've always read your posts and thought mr wonderful was someone you were dating. Lol.
Whatevs indeed! I agree!
Don't be confused. Mr. Wonderful is my XH. And before you think it's a nice moniker, it isn't. He was named for that dumb doll that you used to see 10+ years ago in places like Bed, Bath & Beyond... the doll whose string you pulled and he uttered platitudes like, "You're so awesome! No wonder I love you!" or "I just want to cuddle tonight" just general crapola. That was my XH for a really long time. Rather than be emotionally honest, I got the guy, who, on the outside said really nice things to me. The original problem was that his actions spoke otherwise. So I gave him that moniker. My snarky side came out in the early days.
But he actually is a nice guy. And we have 13 years of this behind us now. Plus we're both getting old and either just forgetting stuff or choosing to do so.
So I've been MIA for awhile - nothing to much out of the ordinary going on in my life, which I take as a good thing. Stability is a nice place to be.
The next big event waiting over the horizon will come in a couple of months when I sit down with D18 and D16 and talk to them about GF and her kids moving in with us in June. I am pretty confident that they will be onboard with this - heck D16 keeps trying to plan a proposal for me and wedding.
My GF will be having the same discussion with her two kids (D17 and S15) which I think will require a bigger sell on her part - afterall it is they who are having to move. One problem is lack of enough bedrooms for everyone. I have a 4 bedroom house and am obviously one bedroom short. The plan is that the two oldest girls (my D18 and her D17) will "hot rack" it. Since both of them will be at college next year the likelihood of them being at the house at the same time will be low and plus both of our ex's live close enough that when one is with us the other one can be with their mom/dad. However they will have to share closet and dresser space. Anyway, hopefully it is a smooth discussion for both of us and everyone helps to make it a successful transition.
If anyone has recent experience in this and what went well and what things to avoid - I'm all ears (eyes)! Thanks!
BA
Wow BA - that's awesome! Congrats to you & GF! I think it's great that your girls are onboard. But teen girls do not like sharing their space as a rule. Maybe having all the girls help plan their room arrangements/decor would make a negative into a positive. IKEA has some great storage solutions. Maybe there would be room to add a tall armoire for more clothing space? But since they are both in college - maybe it won't be so much of a problem.
At any rate - I'm sure it will all work out & I wish you all the best.
Barb
BA--Congrats!
Personally, I think the "hot rack" idea sounds ideal. Will you and GF have to really work on that one? I totally agree that's a good solution for a long term situation.
Advice? LOL. Call Carol and Mike Brady?
BTW, I have to agree with Barb. I'm actually heading over to Ikea after I pick up D17 today. Shortly. They have some really amazing storage solutions. And they're really cute. PLUS, if you're a Pinterest follower, there is a website out there that is completely devoted to Ikea hacks. These industrious and clever folks use existing Ikea products and customize them to become whatever they need; they even include video tutorials and/or instructions. I'm beyond amazed to see what they do. I could spend an entire day on that website alone. Don't ask me how much time I spend perusing Pinterest...
Three cheers for stability!
BTW, since the lock monster is coming, I started a new thread. Let us know what you hear back from Carol on advice of blending the fam fams...
Congrats on the relationship plans. Do we have graduation/relationship ceremonies, ie parties? You better have a big one!
Hugs, kat