Using song names for thread titles...I drew a blank so just picked one off my ipod. Maybe its time to stop posting if I don't even have a topic name!
So here is my last post from my last thread, they asked me to start a new one bc mine got to 23 whopping pages. I remember when some had 120+ pages back in the day...
Thanks Ali!
No, there is nothing more I need to say to him....we have had plenty of conversations in the past. Anything else would just be repetition, so not going to do that!
I didn't mean that part about the kids the way you interpreted it....I just looked through the eleven texts he sent, found two kernels of truth (Dan is miserable; kids hate it when he is like that) and agreed with him: "Yep i agree, you sound miserable and the kids do hate this". He feels plenty of guilt himself he doesn't need me to generate it. And I also agree, his calling to 'chat' was most likely his way of leveling things out after being a jerk on Monday...
Just got home from a work conference, high school speech coach convention. Awesome time. Guy coach from our town went too, along with 3 other coaches from our district. We had a nice cocktail hour before the banquet, where I met a young female coach from a district in our southwest region. She asked if we wanted to go out after the banquet (she and guy coach already knew each other). So, the three of us went out after to a dive bar (we were in Ames, home to Iowa State, but avoided the college bar scene.)
It was a great time and she kept saying, "Why haven't we met before? You are awesome." Granted she was drinking quite a bit but still it appears I have a new friend, which is always a good thing. She and my guy friend coach drank a lot more than I did, so I am sure they were less than thrilled getting up for breakfast this morning! We got in at two and had to get up at seven. Another five hour sleep night. On that note, I am headed to bed for a quick nap.
Oh, and golfguy/luau guy has been texting and calling. Crappy timing, I was in his area and he had flown to Florida for the florida state football game...
Talked to the kids a bit ago to say goodnight...so excited to see them tomorrow! Normally I only really go one day without seeing them because lucky me, I teach in their building. So even on daddy days, I can hug them at school. Well I went on my coaching trip so I haven't really seen them since Wednesday at school...
Sydney had her first day of tumbling practice this morning. Dan had called 15 min before class, while I was in a meeting. I know we have talked about me not answering but since I knew Sydney was on her way to her first practice, I assumed it was her calling to tell me about it...
Nope it was Dan telling me she was having a meltdown bawling and did not want to go to tumbling. He put her on the phone with me so I could talk to her--as soon as I got on the phone she started whimpering that she wanted her mamma...
I just told her I would go next week, and I told her to get dressed and go watch the tumbling even if she didn't want to go do it herself.
Then Dan got back on, he asked me what he should do??? I said put her outfit on her and make her go and watch. She will love it and want to do it. Well then I just turned off my phone bc I was in meetings and he needed to figure out how to handle it.
At lunch I saw I had a voicemail and a couple texts. The vm was Sydney telling me she went and watched and wants to go do it herself next Saturday. Good deal! Funny she has begged for 18 months to go to tumbling and then she changed her mind this morning...
OK after 5 days of 5 hrs of sleep, I am shooting for 7 hours tonight.
I never did nap earlier, I went out and mowed instead. So I am going to hit one more hour of cleaning then a hot bath (I take a bath about 5 times a year, but I want one!) and bed.
Ugh! Smart fitness people, help me out on this.
I met w/a personal trainer on Thursday. For $50/month, I go in once a week to weigh in, get caliper-ed all over my body (!), and to get printed out meal plans with a weekly grocery list. Everything I eat is real, whole food. No packages, no frozen or freeze dried crap. things like chicken, broccoli, brown rice, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, bananas, etc.
Biggest thing is all I drink is water, tea, or coffee, although for the first couple weeks he said I can have 8-12 ounces of pop each day to wean me off...he told me the biggest challenge would actually be eating everything. And, he was right!
This is so counter-intuitive. I am eating every three hours five meals a day, and it feels like a ton of food! I just had a meal that included cottage cheese, broccoli, brown rice, sweet potatoes, and almonds. ugh I am so full.
How can I possibly lose weight eating so much??? I suppose bc it is whole food and not processed or fried junk?
It's very possible, BobbiJo and in fact, whenever I want to get trick out my body, I do the 5-6 small meals a day and lots of cardio.
The thing that will happen is you basically deceive your metabolism. Your metabolism will speed up by eating the small meals so eventually you will feel sooo full when you try to eat a regular-sized meal and not be hungry (this means it's working) and on and on. The first two weeks are so important when you are eating this way. If you cut out soda you will lose so much weight, it's not even funny!
For me, I eat whatever I want on weekends, but M-F I do the 5-6 small meals setrictly.
Kudos to you and I hope it pans out for you!
Thanks sol! My guy says he had one man literally lose 30 lbs in one month because he cut out soda. I don't drink THAT much, but every little bit helps!
These meals feel huge. I mean in one meal the protein (steak/chicken) is only 3 ounces, but then theres 5-10 oz of vegetables, and a fruit, and an ounce of some fat source...typically almonds which comes out to like 28 almonds. To me, all of that = a lot of food!
So...not much new in the world.
I do go tomorrow to weigh in and get measured. I am not sure I have lost anything this first week but I have noticed my energy levels are already better now that I am consistently fueling my body with 'good' food and not fast food/pop.
I am going to have to get used to seeing more of Dan...I took Nathan for his first practice last night for basketball (it was my night) and Dan came to watch. I stayed bc I know very little about basketball beyond watching college hoops so I need to learn!
When we left Sydney asked if Dan and I could swing her while we walked out down the exit ramp at the Y. So, we did. Nathan is always saying how much he loved getting swung so I think she has been jealous. So then of course Nathan asked to get swung, so we did. Just glad we could do that for them.
Well, then last night I was putting kids to bed and Dan texted. I ignored it. About 30 min later I went and got my phone to text a friend and I had three texts from him. The last one just said "Hello". So apparently he did not like it that I did not jump at his messages. That just helps me realize he has been accustomed to me always being available. None of it needed attention, so I went to bed and snuggled with the kids.
I love cuddle time!
Oh and one weird thing...Mr "I am broke" finally mailed the October child support check to the courthouse... and he also included the November check? Wtf? First he is worried a check will bounce and then he is making double payments...
Gotta go, time for Glee!
((((((BobbiJo))))))
You could always watch baseball!
NCIS is on!!!!! Love me some Gibbs!!! YUMMY! DeNoso (no idea how they spell it) is no slouch either.
Went with DWTS...kids vetoed the other options.
Hey BBJ, can you jump over to my thread and tell me if I got the brushoff. I need female perspective.
For those who didn't see me post it on FB...
I weighed and measured last night. Week One--down two pounds and -1% body fat.
Also, I took my night class mid-term...got it done online in 30 minutes with a 95%. And I had only read 3 of the 8 chapters....thank goodness for the index in the back of the books!
Good job BBJ.... now email me that food list! LOL
I still need to drop a few more from my leg injury. I am about 4-6 lbs from where I was... but I can't get them off.... I lost a few gain one..... loss one gain 2.... been battling it all summer.
One would think with the running it would come off but it hasn't :-( and with school I am stressed out so eating on the run most of the time.
That's great BBJ! You don't look like you need to lose weight are you trying to compete for the anorexic award?
I don't need to lose weight (I need to actually gain some) but I can't get the darn six packs to come out. But because I'm also trying to put on some mass it's just working against me.
I'm right there with you IR. There's muscle there, but I can't get them to pop out. Trying to bulk up and get the 6 pack seem to counter each other.
Way to go girl! Always feels good to see your efforts paying off.
Guys I don't know what to say about your lack of six packs but as lon as you don't have extra weight that is a bonus and if you really need them, they can always be bought at the store!! lol
kat
Bobbi, congrats on the weight loss.
Thanks Guys!
Romeo I hate to burst any illusions you have about me...that photo that is my profile photo was taken last January. Somehow I literally gained twenty pounds between January and August! I am a stress eater so most of the weight went on while the divorce was being finalized late winter/early spring. Too many days of getting Mexican carryout for lunch...
Then this summer my favorite 'fast' chinese opened up. You know Panda Inn in Pasadena? Love that place! Their fast food version opened and I honestly went there ten days to eat the first month they opened!!
But no more of that, going to lose those twenty pounds and then another ten to get me to where I feel like myself again...
Sandycay just to give you an idea I eat six times a day and this is what I just ate for lunch:
Chicken-- 3 oz
Brown Rice-- 2 oz
Broccoli-- 4 oz
Green Beans-- 4 oz
Potato-- 3 oz
Cashews-- < 1 oz
To me, that is a ton of food!!
KERRY!
I didn't even have the sound on, and I am not at all sure I can eat my lunch.
Proof once again that Richard Simmons can make people lose weight!
I freaking love Richard Simmons. He is craaaaaazy!
BBJ, you are doing the 5-6 small meals right?
Oh and I love Glee too. I missed the last one but have it on my DVR. Mr. Shue is so cute
That is a lot of food BBJ but I wonder how the heck you have the time to prepare all of that. That is my biggest problem. Do you cook a whole pot of rice and then just divide it into small containers? How about the veggies? Do you cook them and then reheat them? I'd love to hear your strategy.
You were running so much in the summer. Didn't that help?
Thanks Guys!
Romeo I hate to burst any illusions you have about me...that photo that is my profile photo was taken last January. Somehow I literally gained twenty pounds between January and August! I am a stress eater so most of the weight went on while the divorce was being finalized late winter/early spring. Too many days of getting Mexican carryout for lunch...
Then this summer my favorite 'fast' chinese opened up. You know Panda Inn in Pasadena? Love that place! Their fast food version opened and I honestly went there ten days to eat the first month they opened!!
But no more of that, going to lose those twenty pounds and then another ten to get me to where I feel like myself again...
Sandycay just to give you an idea I eat six times a day and this is what I just ate for lunch:
Chicken-- 3 oz
Brown Rice-- 2 oz
Broccoli-- 4 oz
Green Beans-- 4 oz
Potato-- 3 oz
Cashews-- < 1 oz
To me, that is a ton of food!!
You do that 5 times a day... geesh that's a lot of prep but I do like to eat so maybe that's a better plan for me.
Eating small (and healthy) portions 6 times a day is the trick to losing weight. It trains your body to burn more calories as opposed to storing it as fat.
If you want to maintain the weight you have you eat approx your weight x 10 calories i.e. 120 x 10=1200 calories. If you want to to be a certain weight you eat that weight x 10 calories i.e. 100 x 10=1000 . Again this is ball park, not scientific.
I don't do any of the above myself but hey I'm full of good ideas
Congrats BobbiJO
That is great!
Just swinging by to offer my 2cents..
I have started a new profile & name.. new life.. time to shed the old skin.
TGIF!!
Peace
say lavee (aka Bridge)
Well I am eating around 1900-2000 calories and I do NOT weigh 195 pounds!!
CTH I didn't run as much this summer as I planned to...besides running has never helped me to lose weight, it helps me firm up whatever size I am. I have to eat right to lose weight.
As far as prep goes, I buy mostly frozen veggies. I cook up the chicken in a crock pot once every 5 days, and same with the steak. It's only 18 oz steak in the entire week and 2 lbs chicken the whole week so not much work.
Just now I am home for lunch...I got out the chicken and weighed 3 oz. I microwave the rice a bag at a time and put it in a tupperware. So I got out the rice and heated it up, less than a minute. Then I put the asparagus in the microwave, two minutes. Since the portions are small it never takes more than 5-10 minutes to heat it all up....3 oz of baked potato, cut into small slices, only takes about 3 minutes in the microwave...
I have to eat the same meal again at 2:40 (chicken, lettuce, asparagus, rice, apple) so while I heat up one batch I measure out another and put it in a bowl to take back to work. Not too tough...no more time than it took standing in line at the fast food places.
no more time than it took standing in line at the fast food places.
There are enough people for lines in SW Iowa?
:-D
Right, the calorie intake of the 10x is supposed to be for those that don't excercise regularly. If you're running and eating several small portions etc then you're burning lots of calories.
Do you cook the chicken with some type of broth? what do you put in the crock pot besides chicken?
I marinate the chicken in an Asian marinade...trainer said that condiments are "free" until I hit a plateau then he will get tougher on me!
I still don't use any butter or dressing, just a touch of BBQ sauce or ketchup once in a great while. I eat the veggies straight up out of the microwave. Never realized how much I like asparagus and broccoli!
After 40 consecutive healthy meals the thought of eating chips or something is not that appealing, I don't want to screw things up. My biggest hurdle will be avoiding Starbucks, especially during holiday shopping trips. I may have to ask my trainer to adjust my meals one day a week to accommodate!
Asparagus has once again taken over this Survinging the Big D thread! LOL What is up with all this asparagus (I love it , too, btw!)?
Paging Dr. Whatisis...
The ultimate vegetable for the holidays...
Brussel Sprouts
Thanks BBJ, that sounds yummy! I thought you had to have some liquid in the crock pot though or it'll burn that's why I asked about the broth.
I eat frozen veggies with my grilled chicken/salmon- what would I do without my George Forman grill? lol
It's awesome you eat healthy! despite my desire I usually give in to the easy/unhealthy stuff- I eat a lot of chocolate. Thankfully my body type can take it without showing my bad habits. And I work out three times a week to keep my girlish figure
What's for breakfast? LOL
And I work out three times a week to keep my girlish figure
LOL. Good for you, IR!
I try to eat as healthy as I can but I do indulge, no point in depriving oneself.
The mouth-watering Thanksgiving Leftover Sandwich has brussel sprouts in it...
http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/?p=258422664
No Brussel Sprouts---ewww!
Sandy here are two breakfasts on tap this week.
#1
3 eggs
4 oz corn
3 oz sweet potato
< oz cashews
(That was this morning)
#2
3 eggs
3 oz brown rice
3 oz sweet potato
< oz peanut butter
Supper tonight was cottage cheese (YUM!!!) banana, broccoli, and corn.
After 4 pop free days, and 4 days weaning off pop before that, I am finally starting to get that headache I was worried about...
Try a little vinegar on the 'sprouts!
Did someone mention asparagus?
Those are a lot of eggs! Have you ever had quail eggs? I used to get those at the big Korean grocery store behind my house, but they dont sell them anymore. I was in there tonight with a major jonesing for brussel sprouts which they dont have. I was able to get some persimmons and persian cucumbers which are both in season.
First thing I ate when I got home after workout - a persian cucumber smothered in
Baconaise. I see they have an interesting product -
bacon flavored envelopes. That makes me almost want to start sending out Christmas cards again.
Oh Kerry, we need to put you in rehab....
Hi..My name is Kerry and "I love Bacon"
I dont love Kevin Bacon though. But I am sure that there is probably only 5 levels of association between him and myself.
Oh Kerry, we need to put you in rehab....
Hi..My name is Kerry and "I love Bacon"
Deep fried Chocolate covered bacon too?
There is now an emergency in my household - I am all out of Baconaise!
I made a
Bacon Exlosion a while ago. The picture of it was the main screen on my cell phone. Yum - Pork Nirvana!
There is now an emergency in my household - I am all out of Baconaise!
I made a
Bacon Exlosion a while ago. The picture of it was the main screen on my cell phone. Yum - Pork Nirvana!
Is there a Tofu version?
Hm, I just checked my Facebook page and found a recent tweet from Pastor Rick Warren, "When Jesus allowed demons to enter pigs in Luke 8:32 was that the first deviled ham?" That man should be on this BB, don't ya think!
Deviled ham - good one. Makes me wonder if the same happens with eggs and cake.
Hey, on Virtually Handsome's thread we're talking spam!
Roasted Brussel Sprouts with garlic.....absolutely the best thing ever!!!
BBJ, have you roasted broccoli? If you toss fresh broccoli in a tiny bit of olive oil and garlic with salt and pepper and put it in the oven on a baking sheet at 425 for 20 minutes (tossing half way through) it is HEAVEN!
Baconnaise is resupplied in the KerryK household. And I also got some bacon salt and cheese sprinkles which are good on rice, pasta, eggs, vegetables, meat (including bacon), ice cream, you name it...
BBJ - Did you and Woog have a little rivalry going today about the Hawkeyes vs Badgers game.
BTW... Good deal on the Cyclones beating the Longhorns.
Yes, he was texting me score updates all evening while I was at the pumpkin patch. However I am a cyclone fan so I was not taking either side, just curious.
Speaking of cyclones, way to beat the Longhorns!!!
Roasted Brussel Sprouts with garlic.....absolutely the best thing ever!!!
BBJ, have you roasted broccoli? If you toss fresh broccoli in a tiny bit of olive oil and garlic with salt and pepper and put it in the oven on a baking sheet at 425 for 20 minutes (tossing half way through) it is HEAVEN!
Califlower is good like this too!
So true Sandy. I make a roasted cauliflower and tofu with curry spice. It's FABULOUS.
I will never eat tofu, just cannot do it! And not a huge cauliflower fan either, but I do like broccoli and will try it roasted...
I don't like cauliflower either but can eat it this way. Try it ... it turns kinda toasty brown.
BBJ, did you have extra firm tofu? If you get that and press all the liquid out of it, it cooks like chicken and tastes like whatever spice you put on it.
Never ever had tofu. Not gonna do it. Its the principle of the thing. If I want protein, I will eat steak,chicken, fish, or ham. I see no need for tofu...
This has been quite a week. Very busy and the coming week even moreso with parent teacher conferences, among other things....
Yesterday was Nathan's double header of basketball. My parents came, Dan's parents came and Dan came for the second game straight off his flight from Canada. Right after the game kids and I drove to the giant pumpkin patch near here (30 min away)...my parents and my sister and her husband joined us, as did my aunt. It is the aunt who was living with my grandma and uncle, then grandma died three years ago, and uncle died in August. So I think she gets lonely, we wanted her to come and she did.
Today is Dan's day to have the kids after church until tomorrow morning. He texted 3 times while I was in bible study for an hour before church. I checked afterward and it was kind of weird. The first text was from 9:45 "Going do mc ds" I assume mc donalds...not sure if he was trying to invite us there or what, why do I need to know this?
Then a text that asked me to please feed the kids after church and he would come get them after that. Then a third asking if he could borrow my basketball hoop for a while this afternoon to practice with Nathan. Well, he doesn't have one and I really don't care, so fine.
I replied about an hour after he sent them, and just told him that was fine, I was leaving at 1:15 and would be out for the afternoon... (I had a massage and it was awesome!)
He came around 1:05, I said use the bikes and the basketball stuff, whatever you need, and I headed out. Some would call it cake eating but you know we are nowhere near together so at this point what is best for my kids is best for me. And letting him come to my house means Nathan got to play basketball and Sydney got to ride her bike.
I got out of my massage and had a few more missed texts from Dan. (I had left our pumkins out on the front step and told him he could carve them w/the kids at his place tonight since I suck at carving pumpkins.) Well, he texted that the kids would like to carve pumpkins together this evening. Then said he would be glad to buy pizza for dinner. Then--as I had not replied--said, "If you are game."
So it was again about an hour or so later and I replied, "sounds fine" and left it at that. Hey if the kids like it it's fine with me.
I went home and finished cleaning the living room FINALLY so I could finish putting up the rest of the Halloween decor. Kids had been grumping and I was running out of time. They showed up around 6:45 with pizza, they ate while I ate my food and then we went down in the basement to carve pumpkins. Sydney's was great but Nathan's got screwed up as his Star Wars stencil was too complex.
He pouted but then Dan said he would buy another pumpkin and do a new stencil for him tomorrow night. Then I had them get their pjs on and they headed out. It was a pretty nice day. Now I get to enter 3 months of checking into quicken. Want to get caught up before the end of the year is here...
Just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing.
Losing more weight while you still eat a lot?? thinking of you. Have an awesome day!
kat
Thanks Kat! Not sure what/if I have lost more, I weigh in tomorrow with my trainer...
Biggest problem is that I cannot seem to eat it all, six times a day is a lot! I have only eaten one meal off-plan and it was not a meal, it was a brat, period, at the pumpkin patch...
Busy week, last night was basketball practice and haircuts for the kids. Dan showed up at basketball and said he found a new pumpkin for Nathan so that's good.
Tonight is parent teacher conferences so I am at work until nine...Dan and I are doing Nathan and Sydney's conferences together so we are on the same page, I am glad we can do that.
Tomorrow I have a couple make-up conferences, meet w/trainer, and youth group. Then Thursday I have my conferences again till nine. Friday is a blissfull day off. I will be getting hair cut and highlighted, a little darker highlights going into winter.
It is my kids free Wed-Sat, so I am going to try and catch up on house cleanup and that type of thing, catch up on my night class, etc. Then Sunday we are taking the kids trick or treating together. That's about all the activity I care to fit in to a week!
Speech guy texted me last night at 10:30 gushing about the David Sedaris show he went to...he likes using some of his material for speech. Can't find much tame enough but he can be pretty amusing. I replied back and he tried to send me a pic of his seats but I could not open it for some reason. You know, maybe if he wanted me to see where he sat he could have invited me!
We are going to be seeing a lot more of each other starting next month as speech season kicks off. He is a fun guy to hang out with and laugh, which is really all I need and want at this point, so hopefully we can do that over the winter. I am in a relationship with myself right now and that's all I need. (Wow that makes me sound like Wii!
)
(((((((BobbiJo))))))
The speech guy is an interesting case. I think that both of you are being a little careful due to the circumstances, and it's probably a good idea.
I hope you are liking yourself more every day!
And BobbiJo.... Tofu can be really good. It soaks up all the yummy flavors!
Wow that makes me sound like Wii!
You say that like it's a bad thing! LOL
Hey I'm so in love with myself that I get jealous when other people look at me!
Wow that makes me sound like Wii!
You say that like it's a bad thing! LOL
Thank you, Mish!
You make me want to give myself a big kiss.
What else would you do since you are in a R with yourself? LOL! Wait! Stop! Don't tell me!!!!
What else would you do since you are in a R with yourself? LOL! Wait! Stop! Don't tell me!!!!
I came across a book tonight that I'll just have to read. It's by Byron Katie and it's titled "Loving What Is", I'm sure it's going to be an awesome read!
What else would you do since you are in a R with yourself? LOL! Wait! Stop! Don't tell me!!!!
I came across a book tonight that I'll just have to read. It's by Byron Katie and it's titled "Loving What Is", I'm sure it's going to be an awesome read!
Byron Katie is AMAZING. Her inquiry process is what helped me deal with my H's EA and let go of a lot of stuff I was holding on to. Great stuff.
SD
I came across it while reading The Myth of Stress by Andrew Bernstein, who apparently got his start working with and promoting her method The Work. It's cognitive stuff that helps you reduce anxiety and negative emotions by approaching your issue in a paradoxical approach. For example, "I should not be alone" gets turned into "In reality, I should be alone at this time" and then you proceed to list all the reasons why the opposite of your anxiety/concern is in fact true. I just started it last night and much of the book is practising the process. There are worksheets you can download from his website mythofstress.com, if anyone is interested. He's also on facebook ActivInsight. Anyway, that's where I got Byron Katie from. Whatis can't wait to read Loving What is!LOL. I ordered it, should be here in less than a week and by then I should be done with Bernstein's book.
So gotta go to youth group but this just in...
Week Two
Down two more pounds and another 2.5% in body fat! Yay!
Conferences went so well last night! Nathan is doing third grade math in 2nd grade and reading at 4th grade level. For the next set of assessments, his teacher is giving him the third grade test instead of second grade. Apparently he read the passage in 38 seconds and got all of the questions right!
Sydney is doing very well, too, with one exception. She is sassy (wonder where she gets that??) which the teacher loves, but she only listens to the teacher, not the two assistants. Naughty, naughty...
Doing the conferences with Dan was no problem, we got along just fine and even teased each other during Sydney's. The teacher is awesome and she made me laugh so hard and then we all made each other laugh, all of us being sarcastic...
Tomorrow is the last night of conferences, then I get a blissful day off!!!
Re:Tofu
uh....if it takes on the flavors of...whatever....why not just eliminate the middleman and pass the savings directly on to yourself? I mean, what's the point, really?
I seriously don't get it when people claim that tofu is "delicious." It most certainly is not!
16 oz of Porterhouse steak is delicious.
Umm.. the porterhouse steak is high in saturated fat.
Just saying. They're both decent protein sources, but the steak has a lot of saturated fat.
Yeah, I know that. What does my opinion on "flavor" have to do with saturated fat?
I was just saying to please not B.S. me about tofu being "delicious." It's not.
The only way it could possibly be "delicious" is if it were wrapped in some Kobe beef.
Yum! I love Kobe beef....
used to eat it all the time when Dan sold the Wagyu back in Idaho...
Now my beef sources are lean ground beef and sirloin. Good enough! And I also eat cottage cheese and chicken and eggs...so plenty of protein choices.
Good for you on the weight loss and body fat reduction!!! AWESOME!
Oh how I would love a nice BIG steak.....yum! I haven't had one in the last few years. No, not because I'm on some health kick (which I should be at all times but can't seem to manage) but because it's too darned expensive! Tofu is cheap protein at least. Of course, this last weekend I bought 10lbs of boneless skinless chicken breast (more great protein) because it was on a super sale and the girl at the checkout looked at me like I was insane. It all balances out, right? LOL
The only way it could possibly be "delicious" is if it were wrapped in some Kobe beef.
You made me laugh.
Tofu is not appealing in any form that I know of. Good for you Bobbi Jo on the extra weight loss. I am so proud fo you.
kat
Wow...he is being nice...
Went to Dan's last night to drop off Sydney's Halloween costume for the school party. They were in bed. I go in to say goodnight and there is a new framed picture by Sydney's bed. It is one of my favorites of Dan and I, around 20, dressed up to go to the fair....that is sweet bc Sydney loves pics of us.
Then this morning I go in to school and find a bag of roasted pumpkin seeds on my desk. My favorite snack ever. Several teachers have been carving pumpkins and I figured one gave them to me.
Just got a text from Dan..."Did you find your surprise? Nathan was supposed to give it to you."
I am so glad we are getting along right now. The kids definitely like it better that way....peace beats discord any day!
wow.. is right..
are you taking it for what it is.. or are you suspicious?
Peace
SL
PS.. congrats on the new food make over results... that is great! seeing results sure does increase the desire to continue doing what works!
I'm skeptical... call me a cynic, but I don't trust Dan. when he is being sweet it is almost creepier than when he is being nasty.
If the surprise was really from the kids why did he need to know if you got it?
wow, the time to edit a post is not ZILCH??? geez!
anyway also wanted to say congrats on the weight loss and doing so good with your program
Yup, we've all got E.D., Edit-al Dysfuntion!
Can they allow edits AND fully moderate at the same time??
I don't know what to make of it...it has been a strange week in general. We spent time together Sunday (that's when he brought over pizza and we carved pumpkins together), then I saw him Monday at Nathan's basketball practice. It was my night so I took him but then Dan came.
Tuesday was also my night but it was conferences so my parents had the kids. Dan and I did conferences together--we are a team when it comes to the kids. Then last night Sydney needed her Halloween costume for school today,and I forgot to put it in her backpack. So I had to run it over and I saw the picture. Then today with the pumpkin seeds...literally something every day this week.
My first instinct was that he was about to drop some bomb and wanted me in a good mood first. But I am fighting the urge to be cynical, besides figuring him out is a waste of my brain's time and energy!
So I just take it for what it is, getting along and co-parenting.
Time to head back to school for the last round of conferences. Trying to eat again but it is hard to eat this much!
I start Zumba on Wednesday...my trainer's wife is debuting a class in our town. I think I will love it and it will be good to add in some cardio.
You will absolutely love Zumba. I ended up laughing my way through a few classes just because I'm not comfortable shaking my butt that much in public. Thankfully I wasn't the only one laughing. It is a SERIOUS workout.
I am all about dancing, Mish! I was on the dance team in college and took dance for 12 years of my childhood, 5-17. So I am happy to shake it, I just want to have less to shake!
So when he texted to see if I had gotten my surprise, I replied back a while later (btw he had also tried calling me 30 min before he texted me but I did not answer, guess he was calling to ask about the surprise)...
I replied "Oh were those from you? Thanks" cause I honestly thought a teacher had brought them in. Teachers are fun like that, a couple of them put Halloween goody bags in all of our mailboxes today, too.
He replied "Yep" and then twenty minutes later texted me "So are they any good?" Seriously, like a kid wanting to know if you liked the picture he made...
The kids won't eat them and neither will Dan so they were just for me.
Tonight was great. Got all my conferences done, just got home, and nothing has to be done till tomorrow at 10:30. Yay me!!
i dont know you but i am quite excited for you. i am going to go back on your posts and read your whole journey.
Glad someone is excited around here! I tried to be excited about getting some work done at home but after working at school till nine I think I am going to wimp out and just go to bed...
Shake it girl! Shake it!!!!
Dan sounds SOOOOOOO much like Gabe. Any time he does something nice he always asks for TONS of feedback on it. Just like a kid. Cracks me up that they need to be stroked this much, especially after their bad behavior. GAG!
Hope you got some great sleep last night.
Dan sounds SOOOOOOO much like Gabe. Any time he does something nice he always asks for TONS of feedback on it. Just like a kid. Cracks me up that they need to be stroked this much, especially after their bad behavior. GAG!
Ugh! my H is the same. "Cut from the same pie plate" as my MIL would say. Sometimes ya just gotta laugh.
You sound so good - congrats on the weight loss, and yes, zumba is SO much fun!
Wow...just did my first yoga session and after 45 minutes, I am a sweat ball! Looking forward to doing it again, I need to regain my flexibility. So, I will be doing some yoga, which is totally new to me, and also revisiting Pilates, which I have done before but not for awhile.
I got two more months of checking added in to Quicken, now I am caught up to August 25. Just two more bank statements and I will be up to date!
I hate not being up to date bc I like to see how I am doing for tax time (charity, childcare, etc.)...
Also got my refinance application turned in to the bank. I really hope I get approved, the last step of the D process is to get my house refinanced in my name only. Looks like the interest rates are going to be about 2% lower than on my current mortgage, which is awesome!
Besides that I got my hair cut and highlighted, got my nails filled, and got groceries. Should be a full day but I have so much left to do! Good thing I am kid free again tomorrow...
Only a couple texts from Dan today. I didn't respond to the first and waited another hour to respond to the second. Nothing major just wanting to double check when Sydney has tumbling tomorrow and asking if he could get one of her leotards from my house. I was out so it was a few hours before he got it.
And, now I am tired. And starving! Going to go to bed and just eat in the morning...
BBJ..
have you looked at Mint.com for financial stuff? I LOVE it! much faster than quicken (IMHO).
Good luck on the house refinance.. amazing interest rates, hope that works out for you!
I have a friend coming over to do some fake nails for me tonight before the party.. have only done them once before and I took them off within 2 days as I could not do anything! Maybe this time will be different..
SL
Just finished my judges' class for high school speech. It was fun, but I was bummed bc I was sure it was at 10:30. I walked in at 10:10 so proud to finally be EARLY for something!! Instead I was late, it started at ten. Oops
Having another bouncy day. Sometimes I just feel all happy and flirty. But I have no one to jump on with my hugs and kisses which is frustrating! I am soooo not ready for Mr. Right but would like a fun guy to hang out with.... Instead I am going to go to the YMCA and burn off some of this energy. Not as fun as kissing, but it will have to do!
Also feel like taking a road trip, wish I had the time!
My financial past with Quicken goes back to 1999. So it was tough not having a computer after moving out in May 2009. I'd second the recommendation on Mint.com. It is amazingly easy to keep things updated. It does have weaknesses though. If you are with a financial institution not supported by Mint.com, then it's useless.
I wish I had your energy. I'm kind of in a low cycle right now. Maybe I'll get more rest this week.
No luck there...my financial institution has three branches, period. Actually it has one branch and two drive-up locations. Just a local bank...cannot do updates through Quicken either, I just enter every single entry manually. It's worth it to have good records come tax time.
Things are going well for me, I feel lucky considering what everyone else is going through around here. Yet I have had 'the blues' the past couple days. Not sure why but I was teary a few times over the weekend. Part of it is I think that my niece on Dan's side had her confirmation yesterday...I didn't find out until the night before. Just made me sad I guess...plus it is 'that time' which is always emotional for me.
I think I need a Dan break. Which is good bc he flew out this morning to Toronto for 4 days.
Last week I saw him for carving pumpkins together Sunday, at Nathan's practice Monday, at conferences Tuesday, Wednesday I had to take Sydney's costume to his house, Thursday he surprised me by making me pumpkin seeds and sending them to school with Nathan...
I got a mini reprieve Friday, then Saturday he texted me from our friend Barry's phone bc he had driven over his cell phone w/the tractor. oops. So he said he would not be able to talk to me until he got back from the confirmation, that if I wanted him I would have to 'come find him'...I didn't!
Then yesterday he came over and we walked around trick or treating for 90 minutes with the kids. Yeah, that's a lot of Dan for one week.
Excited to weigh in Wednesday and see what results I will have!
I think I need a Dan break. Which is good bc he flew out this morning to Toronto for 4 days.
Oh sure, just hand off your problems my way! Any strip clubs I should stay away from?
Yeah, that's a lot of Dan for one week.
Definitely sounds like too much Dan and not enough BBJ time. Think you need to set more boundaries with the amount of contact? Just asking cuz I know I definitely see a difference for myself that I do so much better when there is less contact.
I know for me it is hard to establish these boundaries of limited contact when you have school aged kids, especially during the school year. There are invariably school functions to attend and just the regular shuttling them back and forth between parents which results in contact time, even if it is limited. I see my STBXW on an almost daily basis and that has made it more difficult to detach. I agree that it is better when there is less contact time, it's just hard to achieve that with kids in the picture and when you live in the same town only a couple of miles away.
BA
<<Then yesterday he came over and we walked around trick or treating for 90 minutes with the kids. Yeah, that's a lot of Dan for one week.>>
I don't think I did anything for 90 minutes with the X under any circumstance.....married, seperated let alone divorced........
I am an old follower of these boards and BBJ. I understand it is difficult but detachment and moving on go hand in hand. This type of proximity does nothing to accelerate the process. Therefore, it is no wonder that I read that you wish you had someone but nothing serious. You are not ready to let anyone get closeto you yet BBJ.....
All our exes are still in our systems to varying degrees.....your guy is firmly entrenched in there and as long as he stays there, you will spin your wheels. Not judging you at all....you still want Dan in your life.....it is obvious to all who continue to read your posts.
John as always you see right into the middle of me!
(Oh and Wii you may expect him at any/all of the establishments in Toronto, I have no reason to expect otherwise...)
I do want him in my life, but not as the man he is today. There was a time when this much contact would have been pleasing to me because I would have held hope that it was a chance to 'reconnect'. But I am wise enough to know that it is not the case, and it is not good for me even if he likes it this way. My main issue is just the kids, I want things to be 'right' for them and I try to hard to make sure they see us both together on occasion because they so want us to do things as a family, they tell me so all the time. Howewver doing so much together probably sets them up for disappointment as well.
I don't really see anything on the horizon that necessitates contact, so I am going to stay as silent as possible (re. Dan) and focus on me and the kids and our life.
Also, forgot to mention I got the "Getting Past Your Breakup" book by the Getting Past Your Past author. Made it up to chapter 4 so far. That is prob why I was emotional this weekend. It is such an obv point but one I seem to try to skate around: A fundamental part of getting past the breakup is acknowledging that the 'why' doesn't matter, and accepting that it IS over and will most likely never come back...
I mean, knowing it and knowing it, admitting it to my heart seem to be two different things for me...
I remember my L asking me once why closure mattered. It just did at the time. Now, I think I know I'll never have closure. I think I know why she chose this path. I don't "know" if I'd done things differently if it would have made a difference. Depression is a tough thing to beat.
So the "why" doesn't matter and that's really hard to accept.
You follow my thread. You know I've gotten to the point where I see STBXW maybe once every couple of weeks. That's helped and hurt. It helps because there are vast stretches of time where she's almost dead to me. She doesn't factor into my daily decisions much at all. BUT when I do see or talk to her it really knocks me back and I wonder if I saw her more would I develop thicker skin.
It's tough either way.
BUT when I do see or talk to her it really knocks me back and I wonder if I saw her more would I develop thicker skin.
So SHE has to do something so that YOU can detach? CTH, you see what is wrong here, right?
No, TH, she doesn't have to do anything. I think you are misreading what I said.
<<Then yesterday he came over and we walked around trick or treating for 90 minutes with the kids. Yeah, that's a lot of Dan for one week.>>
I don't think I did anything for 90 minutes with the X under any circumstance.....married, seperated let alone divorced........
I am an old follower of these boards and BBJ. I understand it is difficult but detachment and moving on go hand in hand. This type of proximity does nothing to accelerate the process. Therefore, it is no wonder that I read that you wish you had someone but nothing serious. You are not ready to let anyone get closeto you yet BBJ.....
All our exes are still in our systems to varying degrees.....your guy is firmly entrenched in there and as long as he stays there, you will spin your wheels. Not judging you at all....you still want Dan in your life.....it is obvious to all who continue to read your posts.
I do drive bys here all the time....and I agree with John
BBJ...you need to get a divorce...you may have done that legally..but you never ever did it emotionally....
I co-parent with Kim great....we can talk about Caleigh and have civil conversations..but..we don't do holidays, we don't share time..we don't trick or treat, ballgame or school together..
And Mike, John, THIS is where I need help!!!! I am absolutely NOT emotionally divorced....
John I never thought about it but I am sure that is probably a big part of why I want to hang out with someone (I miss the affection/banter/partnership) but I don't want a serious relationship. I have heard a song "Half of My Heart" and I don't know exactly what it is about, but I do believe that I have only got half of my heart to give anyone else bc Dan has the other half.
I don't know how to turn the switch to 'off', how to stop loving him and caring about him. However I vacillate so often because I am a smart enough woman to know that I shouldn’t still love him like I do…
Sometimes I get so angry, I am just furious! He has lied, cheated, devalued, and disrespected me repeatedly. And sometimes I feel like I am just embarrassing myself by even being nice to him. What kind of pathetic person is so kind to someone who has walked all over them?
Then other times I think about how much my kids love it when we have family time. I know he doesn’t deserve it, but they do. It isn’t their fault that their dad left me, or that I was a doormat for so long that I didn’t help things much. So I really want to do things that make them happy. My IC said as long as I can handle the interactions, that it’s fine. I just think I was probably lying to myself about how well I handle things when we are together. If the kids go from doing things together to doing nothing together, I am not sure how much that will affect them. But being realistic if he wants to start playing happy family with Chippy (ow) down the road they will surely stop doing things with me, and I have to be prepared for that.
I could go on and on, it never stops. The back-and-forth in my head. It doesn’t matter how many relationship/healing books I read. Sometimes I read one and when it says, as most do, the part about completely disconnecting from the other person (Dan), accepting that the R is gone and will never come back, there is a voice in my head that screams “NO!!!” and it’s like I am fighting with myself…I know, it sounds dumb.
On one level I see all the crap that makes me so angry at him, and angry at me for settling for that and not demanding more a long time ago. On that level I cannot imagine ever getting back together and I don’t want to be anywhere near him. Yet another part of me misses the good times and the family times and wonders how I am supposed to be ‘okay’ with letting go of the possibility that it will ever be mine again…
Somebody tell me how to really let go??? Ugh.
Maybe I need a different, stronger IC who will challenge me more.... or an inpatient program... and I am only kind of kidding. I just don't know why so many other people seem to move on faster/more successfully than I do...
And I don't think a hot new boyfriend will do the trick. I think I need to be healthy happy BBJ all on my own before I delve in to any of that...
Oh BBJ.....I'm not the one to give you any help with that....OBVIOUSLY.....but I can offer huge hugs and understanding.
I know I've said it before, but IMO the best thing to do is to cut off from Dan entirely and that includes any kind of 'family' time. You are no longer a family and the more you give that to the kids the higher the possibility that they will be hurt even more in the future when one of you inevitably moves on for real. Like ripping of a bandage, it's best done very quickly. Cut it off now.
Thanksgiving is coming up. Other than scheduling, you need to have no crossover with Dan on any of it. Definitely the same for Christmas. Start now. Stay strong. You have to protect your heart and mind BBJ. If it's not good for you (REALLY good for YOU), then it's not good for the kids either. Their mom needs to be a whole person with a whole heart.
And I don't think a hot new boyfriend will do the trick. I think I need to be healthy happy BBJ all on my own before I delve in to any of that...
True....too true.
Ugh. Why this stuff still gets to me I don't know...but here it is...brand new text Dan just sent a couple minutes ago...
"You have really ruined my ability to ever have any faith or trust in women...staggering"
Oh,my. Somehow I caused him to lose faith and trust in me, while he was the one with the porn, strippers, and cheating??? Sigh...
So I suppose that Chippy wants more of a commitment. Really, your lack of trust in her is all about me and has nothing to do with the fact that your relationship started out with her lying and deceiving her husband? Sheesh.
I agree with Mish. Cut Dan off. He is no good for you and he won't see any of this as his problem as long as you are around. Well, maybe not even then, but we can hope.
I know you love Dan, I know you want Dan to get it and come home but nothing has really changed all that much for him to want to. You are still way to available to him. I am reminded of how Samantha broke up with Smith in Sex and the City(the good one). She said she needed to be in a relationship with herself more than with him. Be true to who you are and if he doesn't want that, it is his loss.
So basically it means you need to love yourself enough, to let Dan go.
kat
'I'm glad I could help you with that Dan. Now how about shoving this phone up your #ss ? When you're done you might feel your faith instantly restored'
Obviously, the women he's with are the trustworthy kind. But he's such an emotional abuser like most of them, it's always someone else's fault no matter what.
As for being done and moving on...it'll happen with time and in a gradual progression. I don't think anyone could wake up one morning and go 'ok I'm done as of today, let's go hunting for my next long term R'. However, outside factors can influence things say you meet someone nice who's company you enjoy then your emotions and energy will be redirected to that- doesn't even have to be a guy it could be a new job, a new friend, a new passion etc.
"aren't the trustworthy kind" - I hate the edit button.
And BTW, I agree with everything kat said! he's gotta go- out of sight first then out of mind soon after.
See now, I don't think I could let that go. I'd likely respond with "You cheated on me and I've ruined your ability to trust women? Are you serious? Do not contact me again about anything other than the children."
But I have a temper.
See now, I don't think I could let that go. I'd likely respond with "You cheated on me and I've ruined your ability to trust women? Are you serious? Do not contact me again about anything other than the children."...
Ditto the above - bust his fantasy world and then keep it to kid business only. Honestly it is unbelievable the amount of guilt trip he tries to put you on and his obvious self-denial in his immense contribution to the demise of your marriage. You don't deserve messages like that BBJ.
BA
<<Honestly it is unbelievable the amount of guilt trip he tries to put you on and his obvious self-denial in his immense contribution to the demise of your marriage.>>
I do not mean to pile on here...really i don't....
Why anyone would want to have anything to do with soemone who writes his ex wife a text like that (out of the blue)..... THAT IS WHAT IS UNBELIVABLE TO ME!!!! and no that is not a typo...
BBJ could you imagine sending him a similar tex???(you probably have more right to do so than he does). Nooooo, why? Because you are not broken as our buddy WOOG used to say. Dan is broken beyond belief...who the hell writes this stuff??? It would barely be pallatable if you had wronged him 50 times like he did you.....
I understand with your history together and the fact that you live in a small town how difficult it can be to detach (only real boyfriend etc).....but at the risk of repeating myself you can and will do better....
John I never thought about it but I am sure that is probably a big part of why I want to hang out with someone (I miss the affection/banter/partnership) but I don't want a serious relationship. I have heard a song "Half of My Heart" and I don't know exactly what it is about, but I do believe that I have only got half of my heart to give anyone else bc Dan has the other half.
I don't know how to turn the switch to 'off', how to stop loving him and caring about him. However I vacillate so often because I am a smart enough woman to know that I shouldn’t still love him like I do…
I could go on and on, it never stops. The back-and-forth in my head. ... accepting that the R is gone and will never come back, there is a voice in my head that screams “NO!!!” and it’s like I am fighting with myself…I know, it sounds dumb.
Gosh, I can relate to all of that BBJ. When you wish you didn't love someone like how you do. Annoying.
I will echo the other posters here --cut your time down with Dan as much as possible. Only involve co-parenting with him. You will absolutely not be able to detach if you are in constant communication with him.
That part about him telling you that you have made him lose his faith in women is BS. I think that's his conscience coming out. He's trying to justify what he did and doing this sort of reverse psychology on you so that his decision feels better to him. Maybe he says that because you finally let go (agreeing to D) and he thought you'd always be there, taking whatever he threw at you, including carrying on with OW. It's backwards as hell.
Obviously, the women he's with are the trustworthy kind. But he's such an emotional abuser like most of them, it's always someone else's fault no matter what.
As for being done and moving on...it'll happen with time and in a gradual progression. I don't think anyone could wake up one morning and go 'ok I'm done as of today, let's go hunting for my next long term R'.
Spot on.
Seriously BBJ? WTF prompted Dan to send that? Had you been communicating about something else and he threw that in for his bass ackward thought of the evening or did that just show up out of left field with no reasoning attached?
No reasoning? THEN TELL HIM TO NEVER CONTACT YOU REGARDING ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE KIDS IMMEDIATE NEEDS OR YOU WILL BE FORCED TO USE HIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE AS GROUNDS FOR MORE CUSTODY. PERIOD.
This man is a SICK SICK SICK SICK!
Mishka, it showed up just out of the blue, 4:15 this afternoon...and he is in Toronto for heaven's sake! I can only assume something came up with Chippy and he is blaming the situation on me somehow. Funny since they are 'just friends' now. (insert eye roll)
The thing that just throws me is his ping-ponging behavior. One day, asking if I want him to bring over pizza and carve pumpkins together. Then a couple days later, surprising me by making roasted pumpkin seeds for me...and then the sudden reversal to blaming me for his mistrust of women.
It's weird bc he has mentioned many times how he doesn't like women, he doesn't trust women, women are manipulative, etc but he said it just like that, in the general sense. This is the first time he decided to say it was because of ME...and yeah he is the one who cheated and lied repeatedly so it is almost FUNNY that I would be the reason for a lack of trust???
He texted me a bit later that "the crap I gave up for you makes me sick"...again totally opposite of reality???
Ugh. So be it. He is going to have to stew in his own juices...
On an unrelated note, I had a blast at Zumba tonight. Lots of fun!!!
"the crap I gave up for you makes me sick"...again totally opposite of reality???
I hear Midol™ is supposed to help with menstrual cramps.
"the crap I gave up for you makes me sick"...again totally opposite of reality???
I hear Midol™ is supposed to help with menstrual cramps.
TH, that was fabulous!
Ok this crap is even affecting me in my sleep. Just had a dream that we went on vacation with the kids together (separate rooms though) and he tried to have sex w/me on the trip. Only, he got naked and I could see he had...genital warts. WTF???
What kind of crazy ass dream is that??? I pointed it out to him and told him it was nice to see Chippy was sharing her diseases with him, and he pouted that I 'killed the mood'. Yep, sounds about right...
Vent:
You know what, Dan? It's NOT okay. I smile and wave and try to be patient and understanding, but enough is enough. I am not your personal whipping boy to be lashed out at whenever you are having a bad day. I am the mother of your children and I am the one who actually WAS faithful and reliable throughout our marriage, so spare me the "thanks to you I can't trust women" garbage. Perhaps you should stop hanging out with women who
A) Were willing to cheat on their husbands with you
and/or
B) Put out for the highest bidder
Bottom line, I deserve to be treated with love and respect, period. So unless/until you can speak to me in that way, do not speak to me at all.
BBJ,
I do the same thing with my XH. The kids SOOOOOOO much want him in their lives and I bend to that. I do think that there is something interesting about divorce. The kids are expected to be "grown ups" about it, and in some ways the adults get to act like kids. I think this is especially true when a new relationship enters the picture, and we explain it to the kids (my kids have had to totally "get on board" with my XH's GF. He has been so irresponsible-- he introduced her to them on the FIRST day of school, and she slept over at his house. And the kids had to carry all of their feelings about it and be cordial to her? They were the grown ups, their dad was the child.). Anyway, the hard part is I feel so much better about myself when I have "0" contact with him, but the kids feel so much better when they can share important things with BOTH of us. And I think the kids should have something of a voice. Mine wanted their dad to come over on Halloween. I let him do that, and it made a big difference to them. So, I can be the grown up sometimes. You have to do a real internal emotional job when that happens not to let it be a bonding experience between you and XH. It is a bonding experience between the KIDS and XH and you need to encourage it, but you have to try and be all business internally and keep him from taking up too much space inside your head/heart. My friend told me that ANY interaction with him should include one of the kid's names. If its not about the kids, then it doesn't get into the conversation. That seems to be working. It has stopped the text messaging (I was getting stuff like that too) and seems to keep him smaller in my life. But it seems to make room for the kids to share things sometimes with both of us. If its not about the kids, don't reply. If its not about the kids, don't initiate. Sooner or later he will get the idea.
And your relationship will be only about the kids, as it should be.
You know what, Dan? It's NOT okay.
There ya go. It's really not OK, is it? So... that's a boundary: if you have something to say to me, you will address me with a modicum of respect.
How do you enforce it? With actions:
1. Ignore him. Don't reward bad behavior.
2. Keep the nasty texts, show them to your lawyer, and ask for his advice on possible legal rememdies should it continue.
My thoughts on this are ... given his choices, he needs to share these emotions with his therapist and girlfriend.
But the snarky part of me wants to say, "Dan, you smooth talker you. I bet you make all the ladiers blush".
BBJ,
Oh please please please communicate what you vented to Dan. He needs to get some clue of how rude, inconsiderate, and basically downright abusive he is being.
Whether it's by text, or snail mail, or email - Actually, probably not email, people use that too much to say 'difficult' things - please get the message to him. I know it's easier to keep the peace for the good of the kids, but (and I'm projecting my own sitch here) you'll have great difficulty moving on and (if you want to) have a healthy relationship with someone who treats you (and themselves) with respect and love.
As an observer I would take out the more emotional parts of your message and combine it with TH's message to read something similar to this:
"You know what, Dan? It's NOT okay. We have our children and that means we will always be dealing with each other but enough is enough. I am not accepting your rudeness and abusive outbursts any more. Unless you can address me with respect and civility, do not contact me at all."
Or something like that. Word it so that you would be proud to have it read out in court. He is so out of line it's not even slightly amusing.
I know how hard it is to detach. I can see many similarities in our sitches. I think it's why I follow along with you and have done so for aagges. I just think it's wrong that he has no 'stupid filter' that makes him think he can unload on you whenever things don't go his way. At least mine (h) appears to have gotten over that 'spewage'.
Hugs to you you wonderful woman
Hey, maybe all the road construction in Toronto is getting on Dan's nerves. I know it grates on mine!
Seriously, I understand where you're coming from BBJ. When you 're raising children together you want to be as civil as possible and have a healthy R in whatever way you can. You want to preserve that but he's making it very difficult. Abuse does not make for good R's! I agree with the others, you need to set some boundaries and enforce them. Let him know that you will not tolerate his outbursts and will not respond to such nonsense in the future. He sure is a man with problems isn't he and, as strange as this sounds, be glad you're you and not him. You're doing better by miles!
(((((BobbiJo)))))
I think I agree with Purple. Dan needs to be told "it's not ok". He will lash out in response, which you can either ignore, or send the exact same "not ok" message back. In fact, save it, so you can send it again, every time he crosses the line.
As has been mentioned he is broken. And shows no signs of wanting to try to become non=broken.
Bbj,
I wish for you to find out what it is that really holds you hostage to him. Emotionally. Because it aint healthy and it isnt going away although time does fly.
These messages he sends you... OMG!! What a JERK!! He has crossed every and any line he could have during your R and he continues to blame you? My favourite guy used to say Dan is broken. He is not only broken. He is worse than that.
Accept the fact that you made the wrong choice and leave him behind in his mess.
Hugs
K
BBJ~
Grrrrrr is what I will say about this to be nice. Here is the rock bottom truth. Everyone of our kids have the same desire as yours do 'to see their family together'. Everyone of us wanted to be married to our spouse forever. We get that.
BUT:
It's not going to happen. I worry that like it effects you... it effects the kids seeing to much "mommie-daddy" time. I think after they get to see you do things apart for a while (year or so) then you can add in things together.
This is the reality. This is their future so holding on to the past.... the notion that you are a family (the four of you) is a lie. Stop that girl!
Kids ask for things that are bad for them all the time, because they don't know better. Your kids need to see the seperation between you and Dan.
I know your not ready but when you are if you have this much contact with Dan..... it will make it harder on the kids to let a new man enter their lives. Plus, no other man is going to want Dan sending you nasty grams.
Big 2x4:
I think you need to consider the possibility that you are using the kids as an excuse to (subconsciously) have more Dan time.
Sure, some Divorced people can do this, but your not one of them because Dan is a sicko.... if he were normal.... it would be possible...but he is not.
We all want our kids to have family time.... but the truth is.... we arent' that family anymore and you do an amazing job with your kids..... let Dan figure out his own family time.
Love you Girl!
Somebody tell me how to really let go??? Ugh.
you are complete just as BobbiJo
you are lovable just the way you are
you deserve to be loved the way that is right for you
"love your neighbor as
yourself"
you are responsible for your own happiness
decide who you are - what you believe, your values and morals
then act accordingly
You can handle it. Look yourself in the mirror and say it out loud to yourself.
Cheers
It's weird bc he has mentioned many times how he doesn't like women, he doesn't trust women, women are manipulative, etc but he said it just like that, in the general sense. This is the first time he decided to say it was because of ME...and yeah he is the one who cheated and lied repeatedly so it is almost FUNNY that I would be the reason for a lack of trust???
Total reverse psychology. He has to make it seem like it's YOUR fault that he cheated in order to justify it. Love zumba, too, btw.
Only, he got naked and I could see he had...genital warts. WTF???
What kind of crazy ass dream is that???
Maybe it's your subconscious telling you that he is one giant ball of herpes.
I'm with Wii... you do need to set some boundaries with him. Let him know that him texting you all his BS is not going to fly w/ you and isn't appreciated and you won't accept it!
"You have really ruined my ability to ever have any faith or trust in women...staggering"
Fire Truth Dart #1 !
"you shouldn't have faith or trust in women the way you treat them."
How to let go? I am the poster-child for holding on with a death-grip...
It came down to me "collecting" all the hideous things my x did and said and reading them every day. I also had a list of things about me, my strengths, how I was coping, good things in my life, now. That, and time, helped move me forward...
Very weird...although actually probably predictable.
Got a random message at 4:15 today...saw it was from Dan and made my stomach sink. Grr. It just said, "We need to have a serious talk soon about sending the kids to (Catholic School)".
I ignored it. I have primary custody, and I am not driving my kids 35 minutes every morning to a school up in the Omaha metro (it's on the Iowa side). Every time a local election does not go well, he rants about transferring the kids. This time our local referendum/bond issue to build an outdoor swimming pool failed...I agree it sucks but I am not leaving the town over it!
So then 15 minutes later he tried again, "What do you and the kids have planned for dinner?"
Really? BC after last night, I would be eager to have dinner with you?? After 15 min I replied "leftovers" because continuing to ignore would lead to more spew and I don't need it.
So he replied back, offering to do dinner. "I will buy pizza, if you are up for it. Or anything else. Just would like to see them since I didn't get to last night"
Then a minute later he added a couple more messages that he is disgusted w/our town after the vote, said it is going to become a home for the elderly and white trash...
I was busy trying on coats for Nathan so I didn't reply right away. Was going to let him have the kids since I have night class, besides I would not want to go...
Well he got pissy bc I didn't reply I guess (as I said, anger issues). And texted, "Or forget it, I guess I will see them Sunday." Such a child.
I replied back, "Relax. You can see the kids." I said kids bc I knew I didn't want to join them. He replied back asking if they would want pizza, had they had it lately, etc. I just gave Nathan the phone to call his dad.
So Nathan got on the phone and said yes to pizza, then Sydney started whining bc she wanted Mexican, and Nathan said Dan wanted to talk to me.
I got on and he said, "They refuse to agree, I guess I should have made a decision and not left it up to them." I said, "Yeah, I have had the same problem." Then he said just forget it since they could not agree. I said "Really? So they don't get to see you because they could not agree?" He says well that's crap or something and I said, OK bye. And hung up.
The kids started bawling bc they wanted to see him, so Sydney tried calling and he was texting me at the same time. In the end he decided to go to the Mexican place after all. I dropped the kids off and told him I was going home. Ugh. Seriously he can turn the simplest thing into drama fest. And I wound up 18 minutes late to class bc he was slow to get to the restaurant...
BBJ, you should have ignored him. Now the kids are upset for no reason other than dan's sick, controlling behavior.
And you seem to play into his hands every time.
I know I'm being blunt, and most of us here aren't, because we like you so much.
But, you need to blot him out of your life now. He sees the kids when it's his turn, and that's it.
Well thought it was progress that I only let him see them and not me...guess not.
You need to slam the door, once and for all, in his face.
HARD.
Then he said just forget it since they could not agree. I said "Really? So they don't get to see you because they could not agree?"
You see, this is where you and I are different critters at the moment.
In my mind, such an exchange goes like this:
Then she said just forget it since they could not agree. I said "Sounds like a plan. Well, I gotta run".
>>> Key difference. Do you see how you stepped in to try to rescue him from his own behavior?
I DO see, TH. And I do that a lot. I think I try too hard to spare the kids from seeing his mean/angry/jerk side.
Well, that's something you can work on then: letting him make his own bad decissions (or good ones). He's a grown up, so don't try to manage him
It's OK to walk away when he's behaving badly, it's OK to let him screw up (he seems to want that very badly, so let him do it).
<<Well thought it was progress that I only let him see them and not me...guess not.>>
I don't know..... I keep reading this over and over and I don't know what to think......
Are you saying that you would have liked to have Mexican with Dan and the kids in spite of the fact that he told you less than 24hrs. ago that you are the reason he does not trust women (or something like that)???
I think you did well BBJ...very well. You can't expect to change your ways overnight. I agree with most folks here but at the end of the day it is your life BBJ. Being nice to people who respect you and are nice to you as well in spite of the hurt they may have caused you in the past is the Christian thing to do. You know turn the other cheek...do unto others...etc etc. From what I have read here these last 3 years I don't think Dan has been or is very nice and forget about respect.
NO John, I did not want to have dinner with him. That's why I did not tell him I had night class, just told him he could see the kids, period. Didn't want him to think I would have been there if not for class...
So BBJ why didn't you say to him.
"no Dan, I don't want to have dinner with you. If you want to see the kids we can organise for you to spend time with them, but I do not want to spend time with you."
Now, if only I can take my own advice. My 'problem' is that my h is not being disrespectful, just ignorant, and that's my own fault because I'm too scared to tell him what I really want. I'm scared of nasty reaction, guilt trips, upsetting my daughter etc etc.
I think BBJ said before she can't stay mad at people. That's an admirable trait.
I don't have any advice because this just wouldn't happen between me and STBXW. Our lives are almost entirely separate and there's very, very little altering the schedule.
Of course, I see them so many days that I rarely feel like I'm disconnected.
I think eventually he'll stop with the hateful messages. We all grow up sometime. You haven't taken the bait -- but you internalize it maybe too much some times.
Hey Bobbi,
It pains me to see Dan being soooo disgustingly rude to you. He is abusive. End of. He has no right to talk to you that way, even if you were somehow reconciling, neverlone divorced and him seeing someone else.
Where is your anger? Where is your spirit? Can you see that he has beaten you down into submission so far that you dont even rise to it anymore and just "put up" because ANY contact with him feeds your need for emotional connections with Dan. I was glad to see you admit that, that you still love him and have in no way let go.
You need to stop blaming the kids, or saying, its for the kids sake. Your kidding yourself Bobbi (not entirely, some of it is for the kids, sure). But you cant make it alright for them by putting yourself through hell with a man that no longer loves you. Its not just for the kids Bobbi, its for you. If you smooth things over and maintain family time, you think that paves the way to reconciliation, keeps everything ticking over, normal as it can be whilst you wait. And you get lots of Dan contact, which feeds your longing for him. But its a twisted, unhealthy f*cked up contact and we all see it and so do you even, I know you do hun.
Everyone is right. Dan sees the kids on the alloted days and thats it, no more jumping when he says jump "for the kids sake". Kids need routine, they need boundaries. You keep switching the meal arrangements and days they see Dan and this will only confuse them and maybe even all this family time is feeding Nathans false hopes you will re-marry. Think about that one.
You are struggling dear Bobbi and in answer to your question, you cant make yourself let go, detach, so you can only "fake it till you make it". Ask Dan for help. Tell him you are struggling, please stick to regular visitation and dont contact me unless its about the kids. Make yourself do the 24 hour rule. If its urgent, answer the text. If not, make yourself not reply for 24 hours. Hell, we all had to do it Bobbi when we were DBing! I spent weeks waiting hours/days to answer emails on the advice of Jeff. Go back to basic principles to stop all this knee jerking. Why should you be let off the hook
Lastly.. ask yourself, is all this twisted contact with Dan making you
happy?
Hugs as always, Al xxx
That was a great post Ali. Tough but some very good points. If i can be brutally honest, even after a few years, my exchanges with the X sometimes slide out of the D10 (in a few days) discussion boundaries. Always initiated by her (well 90%), I do get the warm fuzzies still when the X choses to share stuff (usually happy and business related) with me. The difference is that they do not linger at all. Why they do it and why we allow it? For me it is a combination of continued good relations for the sake of co-parenting and probably still being a friend (an ear). Do they deserve it? That is up to US to decide.
So in a sense I do understand BBJ's struggles but and I think you are right about BBJ getting something out of ALL that contact.
Lastly.. ask yourself, is all this twisted contact with Dan making you happy?
Excellent question...
I'm not so convinced that BBJ is living some sort of fantasy waiting game for Dan. I wonder whether, due to his bullying nature, she's scared to stand up to him. By smoothing over and giving in some she maybe feels she can contain the bullying and not get too burned. It's probably a way of coping that she picked up in the marriage. I say that because my wife was often a little bully and I would avoid confrontation and try to smooth things over, especially when I knew the marriage was hanging by a thread. My wife was good at head on collisions, I not so good. Usually, in those times when I'd give it to her it would be unthought out comments that made the sitch worse. So I'd work my way around it, smooth things over...didn't work! So, BBJ does this have a ring of truth to it for you? Bullies make you feel that you can't stand up to them so you look for other routes, he's a bully big time!
The other extremely important point I forgot to tell you that helped me heal was to go no contact.
He wanted to be friends. It ripped my heart out at every interaction, especially when he would occasionally slip back into the blame game or get nasty with no reason. If he was nice, it hurt, too - maybe even worse. It was a loose-loose situation for me, and as much as I hated to do it, I had to cut off contact.
I am divorced more than 2 years, and we still have very little contact - mostly email and text. I can stand a brief phone conversation about the kids, and we do school conferences together. That's it.
My kids are ok with it; they understand. They still spend time with him on a schedule.
I'm not so convinced that BBJ is living some sort of fantasy waiting game for Dan. I wonder whether, due to his bullying nature, she's scared to stand up to him.
I'm no mental health expert, but... people who are in relationships with somebody who is bullying, moody (and often alcoholics), and so on... will often develop coping skills to "manage" the situation and placate the bully so that things run smoother.
They often make it their job to try and make that person happy, cajole them into not acting up, and so on.
That's the reason I homed in on the "rescuing" behavior. Dan's a big boy. If Dan wants to throw a tantrum and not see his kids because his kids can't agree on what food to eat, then it's his loss, IMO. I don't that is protecting you or your kids from his bad behavior because it is ultimately enabling his bad behavior.
It's not your job to manage Dan. It's your job to protect and provide for yourself and your children and to set a good example for your kids, and teaching them to rescue an adult that is throwing tantrums and making bad choices over and over is not, IMHO, the best thing you can be teaching them.
No need to act in anger, no need to be nasty, but no need to rescue the bugger either.
Agreed; however, this sort of rescuing behaviour generally originates in childhood, rather than emerging as a dynamic during the marriage.
I'm not so convinced that BBJ is living some sort of fantasy waiting game for Dan. I wonder whether, due to his bullying nature, she's scared to stand up to him.
I'm no mental health expert, but... people who are in relationships with somebody who is bullying, moody (and often alcoholics), and so on... will often develop coping skills to "manage" the situation and placate the bully so that things run smoother.
They often make it their job to try and make that person happy, cajole them into not acting up, and so on.
I think you are spot on. And it's a very difficult dynamic to break. That is why BBJ has to set some hard boundaries. I admit that I got into that song and dance w/ my H. And one day I got so fed up w/ it. Always placating and barely getting anything in return. I said "No more." Up until recently he was texting me all this bosh, this yes and no and I told him to shove it. No mroe. I am not doing it anymore. Mean what you say, not all this back and forth sh*.
BBJ, take a hard stance and keep it up! Be firm!
Hey Bobbi,
It pains me to see Dan being soooo disgustingly rude to you. He is abusive. End of. He has no right to talk to you that way, even if you were somehow reconciling, neverlone divorced and him seeing someone else.
Where is your anger? Where is your spirit? Can you see that he has beaten you down into submission so far that you dont even rise to it anymore and just "put up" because ANY contact with him feeds your need for emotional connections with Dan. I was glad to see you admit that, that you still love him and have in no way let go.
You need to stop blaming the kids, or saying, its for the kids sake. Your kidding yourself Bobbi (not entirely, some of it is for the kids, sure). But you cant make it alright for them by putting yourself through hell with a man that no longer loves you. Its not just for the kids Bobbi, its for you. If you smooth things over and maintain family time, you think that paves the way to reconciliation, keeps everything ticking over, normal as it can be whilst you wait. And you get lots of Dan contact, which feeds your longing for him. But its a twisted, unhealthy f*cked up contact and we all see it and so do you even, I know you do hun.
Everyone is right. Dan sees the kids on the alloted days and thats it, no more jumping when he says jump "for the kids sake". Kids need routine, they need boundaries. You keep switching the meal arrangements and days they see Dan and this will only confuse them and maybe even all this family time is feeding Nathans false hopes you will re-marry. Think about that one.
You are struggling dear Bobbi and in answer to your question, you cant make yourself let go, detach, so you can only "fake it till you make it". Ask Dan for help. Tell him you are struggling, please stick to regular visitation and dont contact me unless its about the kids. Make yourself do the 24 hour rule. If its urgent, answer the text. If not, make yourself not reply for 24 hours. Hell, we all had to do it Bobbi when we were DBing! I spent weeks waiting hours/days to answer emails on the advice of Jeff. Go back to basic principles to stop all this knee jerking. Why should you be let off the hook
Lastly.. ask yourself, is all this twisted contact with Dan making you
happy?
Hugs as always, Al xxx
Awesome post. Cheers!
BBJ, please take it to heart.
You have been teaching Dan that it's ok to treat you and the kids badly. And you are teaching your kids the same thing.
Would you want your daughter to be treated this way? Would you like your son to behave the way dan does?
You are casting the die for the next generation. Please put an end to it!
(((((BobbiJo)))))
I think Ali nailed it.
You are a people pleaser. And even though Dan just barely qualifies, at least by some definitions, I think you still care what he thinks about you. But guess what? What you do or don't do isn't really going to change what he thinks of you anyway, since it's all your fault!
Time to draw the line in the sand, or better, in some quick setting concrete!
The only part of Ali's post that bothers me is the "struggling" and "ask dan for help."
Seriously? That is just asking for more grief. What sort of help could dan possibly be? It would just suck BBJ back into the vortex.
Yeah, I forget that part. This doesn't need to be a team effort. Dan's help isn't required. He already has more power than he deserves, or should have.
BBJ -
I just read this post, and I hope you have a chance to look at it, too. I think it is what you do; I KNOW it is what I did for a very long time. I actually cried a bit while reading it, out of recognition and feeling understood.
http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=6003#more-6003((((((hugs))))))
I just re-wrote it for myself, putting in the details of some of the crappy things my x did to me - refreshers never hurt.
Thank you so much, everyone...that so many people care enough about me to hang in there with me even when I am stubbornly staying on the wrong path....well it means a lot. Hugs to everybody...
Donna that article is an excellent read. I am working my way through Getting Past Your Past right now, actually. This Sunday I don't have my kids and I will probably to the relationship inventory thing.
Today was a good day
I went to an "Early Childhood Institute" conference/training all day for my preschool program. The woman I co-teach with is currently going through a divorce and we have found we have a lot in common. It was nice to sit and have lunch with her, plus I had my sarcastic/witty self back today so I kept making her laugh with my comments and observations.
Also I decided late last night to invite two of Nathan's friends to the movies for tonight. So, I took four kids 8 and under to see Megamind. I really, really enjoyed it!
Old habits die hard I guess bc once we were driving up to the movies I had an impulse to text Dan and see if he wanted to go, because he loves going to the movies w/the kids. But I caught myself immediately and did NOT contact him. Refocused myself on the kids in the car, joined into their conversation and away we went. And had such a good time.
Now I am heading in to join the kids for our Friday night campout tradition, sleeping in the living room. My life is good.
Oh, and I got approved for the refi...the appraiser came today so the final numbers should be in next week, and close hopefully by the end of the month!!
(((((((BobbiJo))))))
Well done! There are some habits to breadk, but you can do it!
The little steps really are big steps. Soon they'll become strides
BBJ, you scare the sh!t out of me how easily it still occurs to you to invite dan along to_________fill-in-the-blank-because-he/the-kids-enjoy________
Sigh.....
F-ing edit button!
BBJ, I think it's long past the time for you to still be doing this, and I also know that it will matter to you until it doesn't. So, maybe you need to start all over acting "as if" you no longer need to include dan in these "family" activities.
You guys haven't been a real family for years now.
Golf guy asked me out for next Saturday. I said yes. He is funny and we enjoy hanging out. I think I need the distraction and the fun...
Thanks guys. I don't want to marry him, but I would like to kiss him a little more.
So, I did Zumba Weds, and when I woke up Thursday morning my Plantar Fasciitis was back with a vengeance. Grr! Then today I did Couch 2 5K and covered about 2.5 miles...four hours later, my heels were killing me again! Gotta figure out how to stop this...
I hear ya on the plantar fasciitis. It's brutally painful. Mine flares up all the time for no obvious reasons. It stinks!
The only thing that has worked for me is living in New Balance sneakers. I was facing surgery...
I had that problem for quite a long time, maybe 3 years. I found a store online that fits you for arch supports, and I bought the ones they recommended. At the same time I took some prescription anti-inflammatory pills. The combination of anti-inflammatory and arch supports in closed shoes, and never going barefoot, helped me tremendously.
Just to be clear, I searched online for a local store that sells custom fitted arch supports. I didn't buy arch supports online.
roll a golf ball "gently" under the arch on the ground several times a day and stretch stretch stretch.
Golf Guy could help you with that!
Golf Guy could help you with that!
Good one Kimmie
I shall try you guys' suggestions. Donna I run and exercise in New Balance shoes...now you reminded me that last winter I wore the new balance even to work with my dress pants for a few weeks upon doctor's orders...I will try that again.
GG texted me around 10:30 last night about the ISU/NE game. He had been there and invited me, but I have my kids this weekend. I replied and we traded a few more texts before I fell asleep. He is excited for me to come up next Saturday, wants to do dinner and drinks. Then he said he would like to come visit me again as well. So, that should be fun!
OK time to get ready for Sunday school...
There are other stretches that you can do to lengthen the ligaments in your calf (they get tight and pull on the ones in your feet, which pull away from the bone forming the "spur.")
Stand arms-length away from the wall, arms straight out from the shoulder and palms on the wall. Then bend your elbows, bringing your nose to the wall. If you don't feel the stretch, try turning your toes in (pigeon-toe) and out, then stretch.
I have a closet full of really cute shoes that I never get to wear (I'll only go 2-3 hours out of my sneakers every so often).
Will have to do some stretches. Almost went for a massage today with my awesome new massage guy (had him twice and both were great). However I have decided to wait another two weeks and go. Hoping it will be my reward for losing ten pounds.
So far I have lost 6 in three weeks so trying to keep that up!
Kids talked to their dad last night and then Sydney gives me the phone and tells her dad "Mom wants to talk to you" which I didn't actually...
So i just said, "What time tomorrow" as it is his day w/them, and he said after church. Which is about normal time, we usually trade between 12-2, somewhere.
So I said fine and hung up. He texted today at 11:30 to say let him know when we get home from church. I did, and he came over 15 in later. Kids were outside playing, he started playing basketball w/nathan so I went inside. He came in 15 minutes or so later so he could see something Nathan made at school. He said they were going to go get Chinese, was I coming too? And I said, "Nope I have plans." I went and took tickets for the high school play, which most of my speech kids are in. While I was there Dan texted again inviting me to dinner. Persistent, he is... However I am going to go mow the yard and go for a run.
And yay me, I resisted the intermission treats table at the play. All kinds of yummy cookies, bars, and pop. I had to walk away...
very good job! You are inspiring
Your thread is very large, please start a new one.
Thanks,
sg
Good for you on the weight loss! Keep it up. I know it is hard to really let go but you can do it. Thinking of you.
kat
Wow congrats bbj.....no wonder you lose weight.....whne Dan invites you to lunch AND dinner you refused!!!!!!
Knowing how you feel about him (at least I think I know) that must have been very difficult.