Hey, So my last thread locked. It's my 2nd locked thread this year!!! I'm a lucky girl!!
So actually, the nice Saturday w/my H ended & I grabbed my mail on the way in. In the mail was some D paperwork. It seems we already have a pre-trial court date set for June!! Before this date I have to have my H served with the pre-trial court date & send/give him the marriage settlement agreement. Sounds like the pre-trial is to discuss all the D paperwork.
So kicked back into reality, it seems.
This all has made me wonder, if I will get some of his debt. His financial paperwork shows him in the negative! His debts, by the way, was one reason he gave to D.
When I told my sister of the news, she put her hands up in the air - to cheer. Even though, this has brought my H & I closer together, can't say I'm really happy about it. Still kinda relieved, but not happy. This has also got me thinking, if some of the reasons we are getting D, is because that is what friends, family & society expects is the right thing to do in such a short M & a short time living together M.
I will probably mention this all to my H. If nothing else to probe & try to get some of his thoughts on this. Again, what could it hurt, since I'm no longer struggling against him.
If the judge would ask him why we want to D - I wonder what he would say? Given our M our R has taken a strange twist as of late.
Hi MsM
After much hunting I finally found your thread. The search facility on here is pathetic.
I read through your last thread and found it really inspirational. You're doing great IMO. You really seem to have found yourself through this difficult situation.
I can't really comment much on what you're going through as I'm not sure if I fully understand where your H is coming from at all. He seems like a very confused man if I'm completely honest. You seem to be cautious enough not to get too carried away with the moments of flirting and fun that you and your H have been having lately. It all seems fairly positive to me, divorce aside. You mentioned that you got on much better as GF/BF than you did as W/H. In a way I suppose you may be getting closer to that again.
Anyway, I'd better get back to work. I'll keep checking in on your thread now that I've found it.
Keep smiling.
Kev
Hey Kev, Nice to see you stopped by!! So another man doesn't even understand my H - interesting.
Yes, I did find my path out of limboland, it was the path I was dreading taking. Kind of ironic. But we will see
I probably agree with what you said about your H being quite immature still. That would explain a lot. It also sounds like he has a lot of responsibility issues.
The one thing I almost related to with him is that you mentioned he was in a band. I'm assuming by your posts that you're both very in to the music scene? I was a singer/guitarist in a band for a lot of my younger years and to be honest it did breed irresponsibility. I loved those days but I could never go back to them now. I still have occasional jamming session with the guys but don't do it seriously any more. I remember only too well the late night gigs followed by mammoth drinking sessions which led in to god know what! Ah, I'm getting nostalgic even dredging up the memories! The point is though that I outgrew that life. I found love and happiness with a beautiful W and a perfect child. I even think that may have played a part in my separation with my W. The guy she fell in love with was a fun loving party animal. The guy she left was a fun loving family man. I embraced my new found responsibility as a H and a father but maybe, because of her age she wasn't ready for that yet. I've since tried to get a bit of the fun back in my life through other pursuits but I have no wish to go back to the partying days. I'm still the same person but I just have different values now. That's just me though. It sounds as though you and your H kept the fun going after M? For a while at least. Some people just don't seem to adapt well to the concept of M. It possibly makes them feel trapped and old before their time. I'm fairly sure musicians are the worst of all for needing their freedom.
This is obviously all just my opinion. I only read your last thread so I didn't delve too deeply in to the history of your sitch.
Keep figthing for your own happiness MsM. You're obviously a very driven woman who knows how to do that. Good luck.
Keep smiling.
Kev
Hi Ms M
I'm so pleased that you had a good day on Saturday together. I can see why getting the court date would be a kick. Remember when H filed those papers back in October yours and his situation was very different. Bits of paper mean nothing, it is what happens between you that is important and you guys keep moving forward all the time. Still, I know I will/ would be gutted when/ if it happens to me.
I totally get you on the family/ friends thing. I was remembering for me what a huge shift it was in my thinking when I started thinking about and embracing the concepts of Divorce Busting. Society is set up so that things are disposable... I wonder who decided that the best form of action was to get rid and that is it?? People automatically go into corners when division starts and fight for their corner - you are your sisters corner I suppose (if that makes any sense?!). The 'divorce steering committee' as Michele calls it. My best friend reacts in the exact same way. When I tried to talk to her about h's and my 'lets be friends' conversation she thought how cruel he was being. Unless he expresses and instant wish to reconcile people don't see the point - things don't always work that way and I actually don't see that as a healthy way to get back together, there is no re-bonding process. I don't know about you but h and I spent 3 years dating and getting to know each other before moving in together, why is the process so terribly different now?!
Funny how the things that we and our h's are bonding over are the very things that to the rest of the world are 'signs' that it is over for good. To me it is bricks and mortar and bits of paper - the important thing is what is going on between you.
Hey Kev, Thanks for the insight. I think you are right about muscians or rocky rolly type bands. Although most of his old band mates have settled down. I think it gave my H the ego boost & escape he needed at the time. I think he sees that band thing, that the good times quickly fade.
Hey Julia, I knew you would understand my "society" issue/topic. Maybe it comes down to the blame game. It's easier for you or friends to say he's a piece of sh*t, you should leave him. Without really taking a look or walking in the others shoes for a bit - before deciding. No one is without some faults. (Well, sometimes difficult to tell that to some "perfect" people in RL).
I'm sure my sister was surprised when I told her last night that H is coming over for dinner on Wed. I'm sure she thought, just D & leave the bum, you're better off without him, why are you still having dinner with him & asking him to fix things, wasting your time on him......and on & on. Now, how could/would my scared H handle all of that from family & friends if we did stay M? Really, facing the rath or embarrassment with family & friends would be a tougher road than getting D & then dating again. See where i'm coming from - as thoughts swim through my head..........
Yep, I have those very same thoughts which is why, when my h moves my stuff and encounters my family, I am telling them if they love me they will be nice and as normal as possible with him. I have worked too damn hard!!!
Hi MsM,
Just dropping in to wish you well....I disappeared again for a while. My sitch is taking up a lot of time in my mind.
I just finished reading your last thread and this new one....
There's a new twist in your world!!!!
I wondered before if your H was missing you and feeling regrets just as the D papers were being started. Looks like he's not going to let you go. Glad you are taking baby steps. It's crossed my mind that you have been so good to him with a pending D that he now realizes you are too wonderful to let go of.
I am equally pleased to hear that you are in an emotionally ready place to D. Likewise, leaving the door open to a possible reconciliation, and still having no expectations. Very good for you!!
I sure wish you all the best with your H. I completely understand your thoughts about the marriage having to end in order for the two of you to have a new relationship. I have often had those very same thoughts. I never want our "old" behaviors thrown in our faces. I think we are now two very different people and we deserve fresh starts. I make it a habit to never mention past behaviors or choices my H has made over the past 44 months or even before he had left me. I don't think it would be fair to him. If we are able to reconcile, we will both want to forget the ugly things that happened to us in the past. We can't grow/move forward as a couple if we dwell there and it would only cause pain and hurt. We have learned many lessons on this journey, this is one of them.
I remember talking about you lending money to your H before. I think after pondering on all the ramifications of it I would have lent him the money too.
You and JCJ have mentioned how our friends and family would feel about a reconciliation and how they would treat our H's. My friends will support me, I am sure. They love me and know that I truly want to reconcile my marriage. I do realize it will be very difficult in the beginning to be in social situations with them.
My family wants me to D him so bad for all he has done to us. They hate him now. After our 30 years together and all I have been through to try and reconcile with my H, I know that I have lost my family over this. They don't understand. I am not even on speaking terms with most of them because they are so unhappy with me. Family get togethers will cease to exist on my side. I wish things were different and am afraid things are unfixable with them now.
My H's family will be very awkward for me at first. They are a mixed bunch on thoughts, none of them like the OW and am quite sure they will all except me back with open arms. I have regular contact (every two weeks) with my FIL because of my son. I have not had any contact with the rest of them for almost 3 years now. Still I love them all and want to be a part of their family. My FIL keeps me up to speed on their news and activities. I also have to admit that it was me who broke off contact from them. I got to a point where I was so ashamed of my sitch that I could not be with them for fear of what they might be thinking especially after I knew they had met the OW.
It is such a shame the toll a D takes on everyone not just the immediate family. In my sitch this has effected literally everyone we know in a negative way. I am so very sad about that.
I wish this all had never for happened for that reason.
Well, MsM....Onward and Upward for you!!!!!
I will keep a watch on you and I certainly am sending you good wishes and hope that this works out the way you want it to....
Take care, my friend....
Sanderika
Me, H was a bit late tonight, but made it over for leftover homemade quiche. Yum yum!! He was tired & wasn't feeling that great, and thus wasn't very talkative. We did have our usual martini and chatted a bit. I asked him if he had gotten any D paperwork. No he hadn't. I told him that I did & that I had to serve him w/the pre-trial date & the M settlement. We discussed having his friend or my sister give him the papers sometime. I asked him if getting the big D was still what he wanted. He said, yes, because he still needs to pay off his debts & who knows he may loose his job. So those are his main reasons. Then he mentioned 2 people at work that got D just because of financial reasons & they were still living together and basically acting like they were M (except being financially divided). So that's that. We walked to the corner store, I put my arm in his there & back. He's still wearing his wedding ring on his middle finger. He did ask me what my work schedule would be for the next few weeks. So that is a plus. We have an event at work so my schedule will change. I will work from 1 or 2pm to 9 - 10pm each day starting on Saturday for the next 15 days. I also asked him if he would like to go out to dinner for his b'day next month & he said yes. We again hugged & kissed goodbye. I sent him home with some home cooked food.
Again, I'm please how the evening went. Not much else to say. This might not be the road out of limbo I wanted, yet it is a road & it's more positive than the other.
Good Morning MsM....
Sounds like a "great" evening to me. It's all good.
I think the sun is shining on your road.
Keeping the good wishes flowing your way, my friend....
Sanderika
Hi Ms M
How do you feel about being divorced but together?
Your showing each other more and more affection on each meeting, that is so positive!
This might not be the road out of limbo I wanted, yet it is a road & it's more positive than the other.
Sometimes things don't work out the way we envisaged they would but the result is better. I think that is one of the reasons friends and families don't get it. But just because it isn't conventional doesn't mean it won't work, in fact imo it works better!
Thanks Sanderika & Julia for the positive words.
Actually, I've always thought that M was just a piece of paper. People will do what they want regardless of it (it most cases). So I am fine with it, that was me before M.
I have a co-worker that I've been talking to through all of this. She has never been M & has been w/her BF for 25 years!
Hey MsM,
limbo is an odd place but if it has decent company and dirty martinis maybe....
just wanted to post and let you know I am hoping your are doing well!!!!
hellooooooo out there!!!!!!!!!
Is anyone out thereeeeeeeeee????????????
Have I got a "walk all over me" story for you........
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yyyyeessss!!!!! Here on planet eeeaarrth!!
Just stopping by to say hello, and hoping all is well with you......
(((((Hugs)))))
Sounds like some good stuff.
It is definitely a path, and you are on a positive one even if it's not what you originally planned.
M is definitely just a piece of paper. What's more important is the promises, and those can be made w/o the license.
My aunt and uncle have been together like 28 years, only got M last year and that was so he'd be covered under her health insurance.
For that matter, Gene Simmons and his gf, and the mother of their 2 kids, have been together like 23 years, never got M.
Yeah, I agree with the piece of paper. It is the promises that are important. In fact I know of a few couples that lived together and got married and the marriage just added loads of extra pressure. They were happier before.
Yep, I agree. I totally forgot about Gene Simmons.
Sometimes society puts too much pressure on being married. Makes you wonder what the "togetherness" rate is for LTR? Sometimes you just want to dam that life script you've been brought up believing. I guess I seem to struggle with that a lot inside. What's expected ......
If I've learned one thing here, expectations bring trouble.
ESPECIALLY expectations from outside - e.g. from society or family.
And really, who would expect someone from KISS to have a stable LTR? He travels all the time, all the girls and fans and stuff. I mean, that's a LOT of stress on a R. I give him and Shannon big kudos.
No, you totally would expect a famous rock star to stay in a LTR. Ah, Shannon Tweed is her name - I knew it would come to me. Yep, kudos to her & to both of them. The ultimate sign of trust!!
I have to ask..... is that Shannon Tweed the "actress"? Gene Simmons and a centerfold for 23 years? That's incredible!
Hey MsM... I cant believe the positive interactions you and H are having these days! One thing that strikes me as really good in your sitch, is that there doesnt seem to be any OW??? Thats good as it DOES complicate things and make it awkward for them. So thats a huge plus. You are doing really well !
Al x
Don't know if Shannon Tweed was an actress, but do know from watching their show she was a Playboy bunny (I think that's what they call them)
Yes, Ali, It is good & strange. I think he sees me as not the enemy & we can work together. So I'm not all that bad after all. I think a lot had to do with pride - pride of standing on his own 2 feet. And of letting the past & the blame game go.
Gotta keep being that "cool" girl!!
"Cool" and "fun"
Shannon did a whole lot of B movies....so I not sure she would be considered and actress........ouch - hopefully she doesn't read these threads.
So hi MsM, Hope your weekend is going well.
Hey Kenn & Julia, Yeah - Hopefully she isn't reading these!!
I emailed my H this week. It seems he has been demoted - aagain at work. So he is applying for a few jobs elsewehere.
Frankly, my work schedule the past 2 weeks has kept me very busy. Pretty much just sleeping, posting & working. This 1pm-10pm schedule (& on the weekends) sucks. But I get overtime. After this week my life & schedule will return to normal. Yeah!!!!!!
Wednesday is my H's birthday. Have to check to see if we are still on for dinner. I think I can slip away from work for 2 hours for dinner.
So all is well .... except for being dead tired.
Well it is obvious that you need to cut something out of your busy life.... I for one enjoy your posts so I vote for forgoing either sleep or work. Your choice
lol Kenn
Sorry you were so busy, I hope you have managed to rest now.
It seems I am forgoing sleep to post instead!! lol
Nope, no rest yet. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Tomorrow is my last day until 9pm & this weekend my 1st off. Aahh, I cannot wait!! So it seems my H has plans on his b'day with Bob to play laser tag. No big deal, arranging another time.
You should have seen the look on the managers face, when I asked for a few hours off for tomorrow. I told him I would like to take my STBXH out for his b'day dinner. He gave me the strangest look. I just said, it's complicated. And it is ... kind of??
So have you ever played lazer tag???????
Believe me MsM... I'd rather go to dinner. Unless you were planning on going to the snack bar at the laser tag place for dinner???????????????
No, I never have. I take it it's pretty cheesy/boring - then? Remember this is my H "best friend" that he needs to spend less time with.
Well, I guess it may give me one more brownie point?!?!
Ok, So I'm reading these e-newsletters I get about dating from this one ...hhmmm.. ebook author. Anyway this newsletter is talking about honesty & lying. It says men lie because they hate the emotional reactions from women. Women need to have an "Anything is OK" attitude. Not to mean anything is ok to do, but that anything is ok to tell me & I won't freak out. Interesting. It also says to get a man to be honest (usually men are most honest on the 1st or 2nd dates) - but to get them to be honest use these 3 words: I'm Just Curious. (Examples: What kind of relationship are you looking for, I'm just curious? Are you seeing anyone else, I'm just curious? What kind of women do you admire, I'm just curious?).
Any thoughts anyone, I'm just curious??
That is *really* interesting and rings true. I might try it out tomorrow
Is it evening for you yet? i'm about to go to bed but I just wanted to say I hope you are treating yourself tonight - you deserve it especially after your hard work these past few weeks. Have a dirty martini for me!
You really helped me earlier, thank you!
Hey Julia, I was hoping you would read & find it interesting. Maybe one of your next "dates" can be a secret guinee pig for this test? Or maybe Michelle & her R - can be???
I'm still at work (this is my last night). Yippeeee!!! My H ditched me to spend his b'day with his man friend. Man friend, that sounds funny, how about bmf .... now that sounds like a disease. - lol - Oh, well his loss! I did send him a b'day card.
I don't know about that "curious thing"... in some cases it would work. If you are asking a guy about something non specific....like what guys think about "girls who ask guys out"
But if you turn it into a question that is specific to him ... like "Are you seeing anyone else, I'm just curious?" It doesn't matter how you word it... if he is a liar he will still lie becasue you put the focus on hiim
the whole idea of being someone who is just curious and not up tight about the answer is big.... but just remember there are guys who lie because they are losers. and there are guys who don't ..period!
and of course there are guys who willredirect the question because they are nervous about how you will react,,,,
ditch the liars.... they suck!!!!!!!!!
You have some very valid points.
Well, my long stretch of work is almost over ..... one more day ... & then the weekend ...... I cannot wait!! Yeah!!!!! It felt so good to get off work at 6pm today instead of 9pm!!!
My H emailed me today to ask if I wanted to do his b'day dinner tonight. Hhmm such short notice. I said yes & we met at a pizza joint that was close to my job location & his house.
It was sssooo nice seeing him again. We ate & he mostly talked about his job. We chit chatted about other things. It seems he didn't go to laser tag last night. His friend wanted to have a beer or 2 or 6, then ate & then it was too late.
After we ate I gave him his b'day gift. I gave him a viking book, his favorite vhs on dvd & 2 pieces of cake. He loved them both & said, oh yeah, I didn't get a b'day cake!! If we would have been together, I would have bought him a whole cake & not just 2 pieces from the store.
Then we walked across the street & not at the cross walk. I joked he was trying to kill me!! We sat outside & each had a martini. Can you tell, I'm a bit buzzed. Well, if not I am. The waiter bought us each a shot too. My H joked that he wouldn't have bought us a shot, if he knew how cheap I was. LOL - but it's true! We chatted some more. I asked him if he ever thought about going to school. He said he has wanted to go to school for 10 years or so. Hhhhmmm, never really knew that. Then I told him about the course, I paid for & never finished. (This happened just before the bomb). I said, I wished I would have spent the money on his schooling instead. He said, he's too old to go to school. Sorry, but DB failed me, as I had to say he wasn't too old.
So our night ended with a couple of hugs & kisses again. Previously, I asked him over for Sunday. He said, he will probably see me on Sunday.
So that, was that. A short meeting, but again very nice.
PS. I would type more - but frankly, my mind is spinning, from the martini & shot of jameson & I've had too many typos to correct - lol
WOw MsM ! Sounds like a brilliant evening! Great gifts too, well chosen (I LOVE Viking books!!) and he was clearly touched. I like that he extended dinner to go get a martini too (I've never had one, are they nice !?). And the hugs and kisses.. gosh, your sitch sure is strange!
I thikn I asked before but I dont remember if you answered, but I assume there is no sniff of ow in your sitch, as yuo never mention it and it doesnt seem to be from the way he behaves?
I thikn you did good DBing! Its good to compliment/show interest.
xxx
Ali.... it's an aquired taste but you should at least give it a try LOL!
MsM, you sound like you are enjoying life so I am happy for you!!! I will also say that you sound like a really great person (you drink martinis right?) so .......
and what is a viking book?
I totally agree, my sitch is strange!! lol I guess on my journey I have found that in the end there where 2 paths I could choose. 1. Fighting my H to stay M (which is what I wanted)but was getting me no where. or 2. Choose what was comfortable for him, which seems to be getting D and continuing to regain our friendship & closeness. Both or either could turn out to be a no win situation. In the end I'm finding that I'm happy, content with either of them. I guess, I'm learning it doesn't have to be MY way. I don't think there is an ow involved (as he told me last month he had not dated anyone since we have been apart). Was he telling the truth, or lying as to not hurt me. Don't know & will not torment myself with it.
Yes, martinis esp. dirty martinis (vodka & green olive juice) are an acquired taste. Yet chocolate martinis are delicious (vodka & chocolate liquier). Probably, anything put in a martini glass, you could call a martini. Vodka or vanilla vodka & root beer is good too as well as vodka & hot coco. BTW - no I'm not Russian - with my vodker obbession!
Kenn, a viking book is simply or the one I gave my H was simply a historical book about the viking age.
BTW - Thank you for the compliments, Ali. Yes, the gifts I gave were not pricey, but thoughtful, as to what he likes. Actually, I suggested the after dinner drink, since this was my treat for his b'day.
And Kenn, thanks for the compliment as well. So anyone who drinks martinis is a great person - eh? Is that gin or vodker? lol
MsM!!!
That's great! I'm so pleased you had a good time. It sounds so positive! You are setting the building blocks for a new wall of closeness and friendship and demolishing that old one.
Yay, I'm so pleased for you!
Ooohh, and I wanted to say this is the biggest tihng I have learnt.
I guess, I'm learning it doesn't have to be MY way
Ah, me too. But I still seem to give to much advise on financial stuff. Aarrgg!
So my long working hours are over - yeah!!! I feel like a got a get out of jail for free card!! A weekend of no plans - lovely
Have a fabulous weekend. You up to anything exciting?
Have a fabulous weekend. You up to anything exciting?
So the weekend is 1/3 over...what have you done so far LOL?
My, Aren't you the kill joy, Kenn!! So far slept snuggled next to my dogs & am having some coffee.
My weekend was good, it was nice. Hhhmmm, nothing really exciting or fun but that's ok. I dawdled on Saturday, did some quick shopping, a few house chores. In the eve I relaxed on the couch w/my dogs and watched dreamy Arol Flynn in Captain Blood. Sunday, I did outside chores. I took the water out of the outside pond, took the pond out, dug the hole deeper (so it was more level w/the ground). Something my H said he meant to do before he left 1 1/2 years ago. Who would have known, he bought a bigger pond to sail his ship in & then sailed away himself 3 months later. Oh well. I filled the dirt back in around it, had a rum & coke, pulled weeds, planted my 10 or so vegetables in the garden, took the dogs for a walk, cooked dinner, cleaned up & layed on the couch. Now I'm hangin out w/my cat for the rest of the eve.
I tell ya, my kiester & back are going to hurt tomorrow!!
BTW - Thanks, for asking - how about your weekend?
Sounds like a fantastic weekend!
At least your soreness was well earned. You were quite productive.
Glad to hear you are doing well!
It's today which is yesterday's tomorrow... how's the back and kiester?
That sounded like a big dang project. My wife made mention of a huge project that I never did today also. I responded with a "yeah that's because I didn't want to do that". Her project was a novel idea in her head but in reality was about a $1000.00 cost and at least two weeks of hard labor for moi..... of course that one sat at the 50 mark on my ole to do list.
Not saying that's what happened with the pond... I mean if you did then he should have been able to also... Mine was more of a "yea right... what the heck have you been drinking moment"
Mine was more of a "yea right... what the heck have you been drinking moment"
ROTFLMAO
Hey, I'm fairing ok. My back is a little achey & I guess it not only my kiester, but me thighs - but well they need it! Ya know, I didn't even realize about the pond until a big rain pushed it up. I told my H & then he told me. I didn't even ask for his help, only fun things these days.
My H & I emailed each other a few times today. I missed his email to me on my work email this weekend. He may come over tomorrow to hang out & have dinner. I do need to ask him when he's taking more of his things.
So I talked to the pro se clerk today, it seems that if there are no disputes, we will be divorced next month! It will sure feel strange.
Well, righto, my H came over to visit & for dinner tonight. We hugged & kissed hello. The dogs were of course excited to see him. Again, we started the eve off with a martini. Kinda the same old chit chat about his job, his friend Bob, who he still says he is trying to distance himself from. When he said that, I said yeah, you keep saying that & he said yeah, I know & am working on keeping my distance. When talking about his job, I told him he should make a list of his accomplishments either for a raise or for an interview. He thought that was a good idea.
After dinner, while having coffee, I decided to be bold. I can just hear a GF of mine saying - oh no - you didn't!! Anyway I asked him if he still thought of me as the librarian type (DBcoach Jody told me that comes from Playboy). My H said yes, but said I don't know how many books you read. I said a lot these past 2 years. Then I asked him, in a very serious tone. I'm just curious, but would you be interested or would you like to ML one last time before we get D? He said, sure but not tonight, I'm tired. LOL
I started giggling & he smiled & called me crazy. Strangely it was all light-hearted. I said it was a yes or no question & if he didn't want to that I respected his decision. Sorry, but I can't stop smiling when typing this - cuz, well, I am crazy, just no papers to prove it! Our convo then switched around to other things for a bit. He signed the D paper I needed signed. I gave him the D papers he needed. I told him he had to show up for the hearing - otherwise all bets are off. He also said he knew, he needed to start taking his stuff. It was soon time for him to leave & I gave him some leftovers. We hugged & kissed goodbye. He told me & the dogs he would see us next week.
Well, I guess I will see if I scared him away or not, with my crazy antics.
What path is it I'm taking again ......???? Oh, that's right to being happy
Go girl
So I came here for the female perspective......
You meet someone and she gives you her phone number..... I assume that means she is okay with calling her OR do women give number to guys because they don't want to say no face to face but will later on the phone???
And if you call the next day do you look desperate?
Well, if she wants you to call, she'll be waiting all day for you to do so. If done w/ confidence it conveys interest, not desperation.
And maybe she will say no. But you won't know unless you call!
Whew! I'm glad Michelle answered that for me LOL.
Not to be rude, but you've had quite a bit of traffic on your thread & would get more answers than on mine.
Did you ask for her #?
yes... and I just thought I would try here
Did call today and got a message. I said hello, just wanted to call to say hi and left my number.
We'll see. It's odd being out of practice at these things LOL!
Yes, yes it is. I found that out with M3. Strange, I've never been into the dating game - but then I'm the silent b*tchty looking type, guess that explains it then. LOL
Oh, well it is what it is.
On another subject - have you ever gotten angry at your D, maybe yelled at her & then said you were sorry?
Oh, BTW, With this woman's number & calling, put your expectations at friends or possibly being friends - much less awkward.
On another subject - have you ever gotten angry at your D, maybe yelled at her & then said you were sorry?
yes... why do you ask?
Just curious.
I was kinda thinking of my own R with my dad. Can't remember if he ever apologized for anything. But, then I don't remember a lot from my childhood.
I have a pretty bad memory of mine too.
Yea, over time the marriage stress started to get to me along with some other life stresses. I would get impatient with my daughter. And on three ocassions I yelled at her. I could tell you when, where we were standing and what we were wearing that's how much they are imbeded in my head. NO 6-8 year old deserves to be yelled at especially my daughter by me.
Once wife and I seperated a lot of stress dissapeared. One of the things i did was to sit down with daughter and talk about those instances. I appologized and made her a promise that I would never yell at her again if she would promise me that she wold listen to me if I say a key phrase.
she brings it up often and I haven't lost my temper with her since the seperation.
I have told my wife once or twice that the divorce helped open my eyes to a lot of things. Other than being divorced when I won't want to be it really has improved every other aspect of my life..... and still working on it LOL!
So back to female perspective....
called and no one answered. So I left a message that I called to say hi, think I said I would try to catch her later in week and left my number.
she didn't call back.
So would any of you OR should I try one more time? anymore than that I'm not up for.
PS... like the idea about friends. That is a lot more fun.
So how is your long weekend going?
Hey Kenn, Was wondering how you are doing??? I was going to post to your thread. I'm doing very well - thanx for asking!
Well, No word from my H since Tuesday, when he emailed me back saying last weekend was the worst weekend ever. Guess, I scared him away ... or ..... he has sh*t to deal with.
My weekend has been good. Been keeping busy. Went window shopping yesterday & then to the home improvement store to get some bricks. Got about 80 of them. Today, I took out the old boards around my strawberry patch & replaced them with the bricks. Bought some flowers today & will be planting tomorrow.
Been looking at a few internet dating sights in the eve. Very strange. Have never dated much. The men I have dated, I first got to know at a club (I used to frequent) - not so much anymore. Oh & 1 guy I dated, I worked with ..... bad idea. So it all seems so frightening, not me & oddly, not looking forward to it. Maybe things will change. No worries though.
God, I'm such a hermit & a home body ..... weird, that I enjoy it this way.
hey MsM,
You sound like you have been doing a lot of yard work lately. That can be fun.
It is so weird for me. I told a friend today that I only have three really good friends right now but I don't feel like I have enough time to do anything. Been so hectic. That's good. My life is consumed with stuff.
Sorry husband is so hit and miss. That has to be frustrating.
I think the internet dating isn't so bad. I like what you all said when I asked. Start looking to be friends and all will work out. I think I will start when life gets more stable. It is hard to meet people if you aren't in a huge social environment. The Computer dating helps there. Thing to remember is to keep it fun.
People I know have mostly good experiences.
Just remember that the guys (or at least some like me) are just as confused as the women. Like I said I had a woman give me her number and then not answer when I called. Now I am struggling with calling back. I figure one more phone call and then I am done because I don't want to feel like a stalker LOL! I am not sure anyone has the right answer.....
Yep, I understand about your phone# deal. I would only give it 1 more chance as well. Maybe she found out you were M. M men have always been "off limits" for me. Actually, I did seriously date 1 M man (his D was just months from being final). He was bi-polar, and well, it was just a bad R.
Strange , how many of them men on the dating sites state they are hard working & know how to treat a woman. Then I wonder, if you know how to treat a women - why don't you have one??? Ok, that's me just being critical & cynical.
Dang you just blew my intro out of the water...
"Hi, Looking for a man who is serious about treating his woman right? No gimicks, I am the real deal. I am a hard working, loving guy who takes his relationships serious... Look at my record 0 and 1. Take a chance on me...please, pretty please?"
So now i have to go back to the drawing board...dang it to he$$....
I 'll run my draft by you when I get a new idea LOL!
All joking aside (well not really) my friend was talking to me about the guy my wife was interested in. He said, "look the guy has to be a loser or else he wouldn't be single at this age". I let it sink in for a minute, put the biggest smile on my face and said,"I'm single at this age....dumas!!!!"
All joking aside - your friend in quite bright!!!!
Oh, but he meant well didn't he ..... nothing like talking out of your arse - eh?
Oh, & this site & my M has taught me ....... do I really know how to treat the opposite sex right? What is right - BTW?
I was thinking my headline will be Blondes have more fun, that's why I dye my hair black? What do you think - LOL
On the serious side... sure you do! You found your husband and he wanted to marry you.
I think something in my case is that you kind of float into the complacency mode and just expect your partner to be there with you. AND quite frankly there are a whole lot of couples out there that are still together that are in the same place as my wife and I were (mid life, kid in elementary school, balancing careers, etc) They are making it. I am sure they aren't living the exciting life they planned when they were 20 something but they also haven't packed up and left their partner either???
My wife has numerous friends that have labeled her as "a grass is greener kind of person". Their words not mine. I just was willing to accept her selfishness because I loved other things about her.
There is no doubt that my wife's personality (selfish, self centered, and desire to have attention) played a big part in her deciding to leave at this stage of life.
So ...yes I wish I could go back and change some of the ways I treated her...BUT if she wasn't so self absorbed then I kind of think I would hav been given that chance.
Wow.. how things (in the head) change over time LOL!
Now on to the more pressing matters...I think if you shorten it to - Blondes have more fun, that's why I.....
I gurantee you will get a lot more inquiries LOL! Guys love the mystery and there is plenty of mystery in that. Heck, I'll bet someone contacts you just to see if you fell asleep while you were entering your profile.... steer away from those guys, they have no sense of humor LOL!
When you're in ~~love~~~ yes you do tend to overlook some qualities that are not attractive. Guess, I did that too.
I do like your shortened title, for me singles headline.
Well, I emailed my H this week, asking how he was & that I was joking about the sex thing, as I knew he was not interested. We emailed back & forth a little. He was supposed to come over last night. Ended up being a no show no call. Oh well, no big deal. I emailed him today. He emailed back that he had no $$ for phone minutes & no $$ for gas (had to choose seeing me or getting to work). Do you think he's hit rock bottom yet? So the plan is for coming over Sunday. This Thursday is our D pre-trial. It all should be interesting.
When you're in ~~love~~~ yes you do tend to overlook some qualities that are not attractive. Guess, I did that too.
I do like your shortened title, for me singles headline.
Well, I emailed my H this week, asking how he was & that I was joking about the sex thing, as I knew he was not interested. We emailed back & forth a little. He was supposed to come over last night. Ended up being a no show no call. Oh well, no big deal. I emailed him today. He emailed back that he had no $$ for phone minutes & no $$ for gas (had to choose seeing me or getting to work). Do you think he's hit rock bottom yet? So the plan is for coming over Sunday. This Thursday is our D pre-trial. It all should be interesting.
I'm telling you the shortened title will work. If you use it and get at least 5 dates your first week you owe me some kind of compenstation
Sorry he didn't make it. The not showing or even calling has to be tough to handle. I mean there is common courtesy. Hang in there on Thursday.. that has to be tough even when we have come so far. Know you have friends thinking about you!
Compensation!!!! Only if they are good, nice looking men!!
Well, it seems I missed my H today. He was a no call no show. So after waiting 1 1/2 hours, I decided to take the dogs for a walk. He left me a message shortly after I left. Actually, came to the house, but I wasn't here. So I called him back. He was on his way home already & didn't want to turn around. I apologized for missing him, he said it was his own fault & punishment & I shouldn't be sorry. He had just gotten phone minutes again.
We chatted a bit about what was going on with him. Seems his BMF is being an a**hole. So my H is even distancing himself from him more. I invited him to the pirate festival next weekend. I had previously invited him, but he was going to take BMF, disabled mother. Today, he seemed more upbeat & gave me a maybe. So we will see. Not holding my breath. Although, how can I find myself a pirate man, with me H along!!!
So we may meet up some evening this week, before our pre-trial.
I suppose it was good I missed him, shows I'm not sitting around waiting for him.
Pirate Festival???????????? Ummmm...where exactly do you live
Right next to Davy Jones locker
I am dying to know more about the Pirate Festival... has it happened yet Rrrgh!!!
Glad things are comfortable and going well. 1 1/2 hours is petty late. You are pretty nice to wait that long but I probablly would have done it too if I knew someone was suppose to be on their way.
Sounds like he struggles a bit. But I am glad that you seem to doing very well.
How is the opening intro going? Have you come up with a "Knock em dead" one yet?
Nope the festival hasn't happened, this weekend. I'm taking off work on Friday & my sister & I are volunteering to help do set up for it. Did it last year & it was fun.
I guess I waited for me H more like an hour. I kick myself for not waiting. Oh well, I'll get over it.
Na, I haven't worked on my opening intro. Won't do anything until I'm D.
I just have this strange feeling that after D my H will want to work on our R. Yeah, I know, I need to drop that rope as well. Some habits are hard to break. My sister & I went to a bar this weekend & were talking about our parents. My mom had an A on my dad when I was 3. They D'ed. My mom then on & off dated this guy. He remarried, then later, while still M wanted to date my mom. After a few years got D & then years later my mom finally M him 15 years after the initial A.(They still are M). My dad, on the other hand, only dated once or twice & never re-M. Ah, what great role models we had! Can you say warped sense of loyalty??? That is my real struggle.
Ah well, live & learn. And ..... life goes on ......
I guess I waited for me H more like an hour.
is that a typo? Or are ye practicing yor pirate talk? LOL!
Yep.... The great thing about life is you can go with the flow. If he want's to work things out after D then there isn't any law that says you can't! America is great isn't it! And maybe if that happens it is the best time to do it. Tons of people work things out years later. Your a great person... just don't cut yourself short waiting on something unless your content.
But I understand MsM... I have conversations in the mirror all the time and can't decide if it is Jekyle or Hyde in the mirror
I think I am in the "want to convince someone it wasn't all me" phase and can't figure out I am the only that needs to know that.I mean she (to her credit) is not attacking me in front of my daughter. My daughter has come to the thought that my shift work was to blame but I think that was all said long before the divorce stuff. so who really cares. Her closest friend and brother both have said she is looking for greener grass. So I don't need to prove anything. I just need to figure out the caustic things I did to the marriage and fix them so I don't repeat them.
Ah!!! Role models LOL!
My mom and dad divorced when I was 12. Remember watching my mom throw wine in my dads face. Dad have hives everywhere on his body due to nerves. He wanted to work on the marriage but mom said no. They seperated for about three months. She went to Colorado for a week. She came back and told my dad that she wanted to work on the marriage but while they were seperated my dad met my step mom. He decided somewhere along the way he was done.
He was on tranqulizers, mom was on tranquilizers. Remember my mom was on them and drinking one night and had a complete nervous breakdown. She started seeing visions of my dad and my soon to be step mom in the house and yard. Freaked me out completely. she spent two months in the mental ward and didn't even recognize my brother or I. It was like someone with alziemers.
She never even dated again to my knowldge. Dad married my step mom. They never spoke one word to each other until my marriage 24 years later. They lived in 6 hours away from each other... 24 years of me deciding who to spend Xmas with and felling guilty about not being with the other one. My step brother and step sister were like real brother and sister to me. mom never worked a real job and when I was 16 I decided to go live with my dad, to be with my step brother. Never knew at the time I cut $500 out of my mom's income. she ended up having to sell the house she was in. yeah, not really my fault but lot of guilt over that one.
I would say that one thing that hurt my marriage was I paid so much attention to my daughter and in some ways didn't pay enough attention to my wife. That came directly from being ignored by my father as a child (until I was a teen who isn't a burden) so I wasn't going to do that with my child but I forgot my wifes needs along the way.
Could go on but the point is you are right... great role models in some ways but lousy in others. And here I am in front of my daughter in all my glory....
No pity party here...life happens but yea... real great role model and one of the reasons I can say I really have some hard feelings toward my wife whenever I look at my daughter. I guess if I focus on just me I should be gratefull she left now. Gives me time to rebuild my life and get to a good place... but for my daughter I wish we could have worked this out....hmmpf!!!!!!
Me thanks ye fer the kind words, Kenn
Actually if you google pirate fest, you will find a list. Don't know how any pirates get to Omaha NE - but there's one there. Very strange.
Thank you for sharing bits of your childhood. Your childhood after 12 sounded awful, must have been very difficult to deal with. I can see why you are such a devoted father. I dealt with the same thing, splitting up xmas & other holidays. I think I feel more guilt, if that's the right word for my dad who is alone. Yet he does have a huge family that he is close to & near by.
I also agree, it's very easy to get caught up in other things & take your S your M for granted.
I don't suffer from depression, just melancoly sometimes. But still, we all have our own issues to deal with. Some we don't even realize they are there, until things start falling apart. And you decide to take a good look at yourself.
Sometimes I wonder if we chose a M or a R with someone, that will subconciously trigger our deepest fears. Hhhhmmm, hard to explain, I know what I want to say & mean, but the words aren't there.
Hi Ms M
Just dropping in to say hi. The Pirate festival sounds fun. I think taking each other or our marriages for granted is why most of us are here. For me anyway I never thought he would ever leave so I definately took that for granted!
Any news from the world of h?
Jx
Hey Julia, Good to hear from you & thanx for stopping by. I emailed H yesterday, telling him see you tomorrow (today is our D pretrial conference). H emailed back saying he has been going non stop at work, almost went to Boston for work, but remembered he couldn't. Then he asked about going to pirate fest with me this weekend.
Kinda scared & nervous about today. It will be ok though.
((((Ms M))))) Massive hugs of good luck. I'm not surprised you are scared and nervous.
That is great news about Pirate Fest though, it sounds like fun
Thanks Julia.
Update for me, I'm officially divorced! Can't believe it, it's kinda surreal. Congrats, condolences, I'm not sure.
So I waited for my H outside of the courtroom. He showed up & there was one case before us. That lasted for about 1/2 hour. They were done & we were next (only ones in the court room). Odd, but good. My H had to take the stand 1st, answer some questions (some I had to help him with, like how long he has lived outside of the county). My H also said we were only M for 7 or 11 months (couldn't quite hear him). So he was just considering we were M while we were living together. Strange, how the mind works. Anyway ..... The judge had him review documents & he agreed with all of them. Then she asked him if the M was irrevacally (sp?) broken, he said yes, we make better friend & were going to Pirate fest together. Yes, he actually said that .... I think he was a bit nervous. I then took the stand agreed to the paperwork & also agreed our M was broken. the property & debts were divided, like we divided them. My H didn't want me to have any of his debt. She told us we could not marry until after a 6 month waiting period. And that was pretty much it - done - finee!
We walked out of the courtroom. In the hallway I shook my XH hand & said congrats single again (or something like that). He said don't say that I feel sick & we kinda hugged. As we were walking he said, you were right M is just a piece of paper & I was the one who wanted to M. I said I know, I never thought it would end like this. But, I said, this doesn't have to mean it's the end.
I then stopped at the restroom, when I came out, he said he had been counting & that I can't get M until Dec. Then I said, know we are single & can have guilt free debochery. He said he didn't feel like having any debochery.
We were parked in the same area, so kept walking together & chatting. At one point he said that he loves me & that he will always love me. (Ah, how sweet). I was surprised he said that. He has not said he loved me 1st in years. I think, I said, I loved you too back. Then he asked if we could not talk about this (meaing the D) for a week or so. I said talk about what?
So we chatted about other things. Sounds like he is thinking of filing for bankrupcy. I said, we could have worked on these things together. i think he knows that, but the guilt was too great for him. We then chatted about his 2 friends. I said, I don't have a lot of friends, but why is it that yours seem to take & take from you & never help or give back when you need it. He said, I don't know. I said friendship is about give & take. Well, it was time for him to go. He said to wish him luck, because they are having another round of lay offs at work tomorrow. We kissed & hugged goodbye, I told him that I loved him & would always love him. He said, hey I said that 1st.
So we still have plans for going to pirate fest, which he meantioned. We just have to decide on which day.
Not sure how I feel .... numb is a good word.
Tis, a bitter sweet day.
Hey Msm,
I can only imagine it is a sureal day,
Don't really know what to say. Just know you have my thoughts.
Hey Kenn, Thanks for posting, means a lot. If I were you I wouldn't know what to say either.
The entire day, I was just drained of energy, can't really say emotionally drained, because the ordeal wasn't emotional. Don't really know, just really tired. And tomorrow is another day.
Nighty nite.
Wow, MsM, a big day. Sounds like you handled it really well, I can't imagine how hard it must have been.
It'll be interesting to see what the future holds now...
(((Ms M)))
Hey ((Julia)), In some ways it was hard simply because if we only would have TALKED about these issues, we may have worked them out. But really, I think his guilt over his debts, pushed it this way. One could say it was the noble thing for him to do. I certainly didn't want to add to any of the guilt, it has pararlysed him enough.
I emailed him today saying that I hoped he would still choose to go to pirate fest with me (no R no M no D talk) - just pure fun. He replied back saying he was planning on it & would keep me informed.
His friend/landlord/co-worker got laid off today at work. Told him I was sorry to hear that. So no rent reduction possibility for my XH.
My sister & I helped set up for the festival. Long day, hard work. They sure need to be more organized.
And yes, it will definately be interesting to see where this all goes. A strange path, I have chosen to go on indeed. And yet, I think it was my only path left, well unless I just wanted to say sod it & hate him instead.
Again Julia, thanks for stopping by. Hope you have a good weekend
hating .... not good for the home team... good choice!
I am dying to know what happens at a pirate festival... Are you guys even near the water??? LOL!
sounds like fun... Are there tons of people dressed up like pirates? Kind of like when Indianapolis has the Star Wars convention and suddenly thousands of Storm Troopers show up on the streets
Glad you at least get to follow up a bad day with something fun. I can only imagin it. I amm sure that it will be the same for wife and I when it becomes final. You wait around knowing it is going to happen but when I actually does it is sureal I am sure.
so no priate fesitival for me. I am in the Nations Capital sightseeing. Have never been able to come up here and read any of the things in the muesums (eight year olds do that) so I decided I will do that.
Hope your weekend goes well. If you see Captain Barbosa or johnny Depp take a picture for me OKAY?
Hey Kenn, going to DC sounds like a lot of fun ..... hope it was??? If you're on the east coast, then you have tons of pirate festivals to choose from.
Yes, it was by the water, Lake Michigan actually, in a cool little town.
Actually, probably not as crazy at Star Wars con. I would say 1/3 dressed up 1/3 half dressed up & 1/3 not at all dressed up.
Yesterday, my XH asked if we could go Sunday instead, because he was child sitting for a few hours for his friend/landlord/ former co-worker. Also my XH wanted to see the pirate parade which was today. So I said, whatever day works for you. So yesterday I went to pirate fest with my sister. By the time pokey her got ready it was pretty late & we only went for a few hours. Crappy weather, but nice to dress up & go for a few hours anyway.
This morning I didn't hear from my XH, so I called him. He had no phone minutes left. About an hour later he shows up, in no pirate garb, not shaved, nor showered. I was totally surprised, because, well, he used to love dressing up for these things.
He was in a bad mood, so had some coffee & a smoke & vented to me. Let's see, so my XH Saturday consisted of free child sitting of 2 unruly children, Going home & trying to get the lawn mowed (which he doesn't get any rent deducted for) & trying to do it before it rained. Then a co-worker stopped over, so he didn't get the mowing done because it then started to rain. His BMF called him, probably to tell my XH his problems, then his "friend"/landlord called to tell of his problems. So my XH had no phone minutes left. Today XH got up early & finished the lawn & thus didn't have time to get ready.
After my XH finished venting, I gave him a hug. He said thanks & that he was feeling better. And that, he knew I would understand his bad mood & not take it personal. That is true, because I do know him. The annoying part about all of this, is that his "friends" that are venting to him, even if they are down on their luck are 10 times better off than my XH is. So really, they have nothing to complain about. I told my XH I feel bad for them, but I do not feel sorry for them. They all have more education & more property or richer families that my XH or I have. So it's hard for me to have a pity party for them.
So I was going to wear a sexy pirate outfit, but since my XH didn't dress up, I decided to wear, what I wore yesterday, which was a more authentic pirate. (As most girl pirates didn't dress like whores - they dressed like men).
We got there, browsed through the shops, saw the pirate parade, which was pretty cool. Then we had a drink & a bite to eat. We also saw a fire act, a few bands & a militia demonstration. Then we browsed the shops again, I bought him a mace & myself an anchor wall hanging. We saw my sister & a friend of ours. My XH shook my sisters hand & then gave her a half hug (which was nice). My XH & I chatted a bit about different things. No R, no M, no D talk. I told him he needed to start putting himself first, instead of all of his "friends", who don't give a sh*t first. He agreed. I said to him, joked to him, that I probably couldn't go a day without giving him some advise & that he was probably tired of it. He just smiled at me & said no.
On the way home my XH fell asleep (I knew he would). Came home, I made us a quick bit to eat. I gave him a cheap phone I bought (hope his phone line works), as it is quite dangerous for him not to have a phone & he doesn't have an neighbors close. I also gave my XH some $$ for a driving ticket he hasn't had the $$ to pay for (& his license has been suspended for). Yep, bad DBing there, do I care - nope. So me XH left, as we thanked each other for a nice time and hugged & kissed goodbye.
All I can say is, I must look like a very appealing friend to him, not because of the money - because, really, I am so low maintenance. No drama, no pity parties from me.
All in all, it was a very nice day together. Six hours together!!
We hadn't spent that much time together since before he left almost 2 years ago.
Wow, that was long .... anyone still awake??
That Pirate festival sounds so much fun!!
Did you feel like the elephant had left the room now the D is over?
It all sounds so positive, how are you feeling?
Hey Julia, Pirate fest was fun. I really was hoping my XH would dress up & hence transcending into those times & leaving todays troubles behind. Not so, so much. Although, since he looked too scruffy, I'm sure no women were eyeballing him .... now if he was in his fancy pirate garb ..... maybe.
Yes, I do feel the elephant has left the room. Don't know if I've ever heard that saying though. I guess, there is no reason to talk about a R, M or D, that is over. He is not at a healthy place to revisit that anyway. The only weird thing is typing XH instead of H. And yet he hasn't felt like my H in a very long time.
I feel ok. Relieved I'm out of limbo land. Happy, that my XH doesn't seem to be avoiding me so. Still, I would like to kick him in the arse for even choices he is making now. But those he has to deal with in time. So, I feel content, happy, a bit sad, but no one emotion has control of me.
Well, off to go & get a massage, aahhhhh!
So I was going to wear a sexy pirate outfit, but since my XH didn't dress up, I decided to wear, what I wore yesterday, which was a more authentic pirate. (As most girl pirates didn't dress like whores - they dressed like men). smile
I was thinking I wouldn't touch that one with a ten foot pole but then what the heck.... They also went months without baths, spit and cut peoples heads off... I'll take the modern female pirate that I see around Halloween over old Bonny any day (I have to use Halloween as a reference point since I haven't experienced my first pirate festival yet)
All in all, it was a very nice day together. Six hours together!!
We hadn't spent that much time together since before he left almost 2 years ago.
I am glad for this. I went into the bank with my STBX today and felt nothing. Well not exactly true. I didn't feel any true desire to be with but I always feel a urge to help or take care of, just in my nature (I think it is called co dependency) and in truth that will probablly always be there even though she doesn't really need it. I tend to think it it as caring, which sounds like you have to. I like to think it makes you a good person. Reading your threads makes me hope that some day things come together for your xH. And you know I am looking forward to you being happy 100% of the time
AR -d -AR -AR...... Funny! Doesn't look like pirate talk when you put it in print??????????
I agree, what the heck, ya got nothin too lose!!
Yes, I suppose most men do prefer the sexy pirate look on women. I just didn't want to make my XH feel worse or out of place.
Ah, I am happy. Strange but at the festival my XH saw an old band member, he & I both dislike. What did my XH say, why did he come here, now my day is ruined. I said, I know, but don't let seeing him for a minute ruin your day. Still thinking about it & man, that's even letting your enemies control your hapiness.. how sad is that .... all consuming. Time to pull yourself up by your boot straps or garder straps & move on - lol
Oh, BTW I entered a drawring & won a free trip to the Bahamas! We will see how "free" this really is. So far isn't appearing to be so "free". But that's pessimistic me, for ya.
Excuse me...... Did you just say Pina Colada.... on the beach?????
Hi Ms M
How are you? Any news? Goss?
Hey Julia, I'm well. Not much really is new with me. I've started the task of changing things back into my maiden name. I'm never going to change my name again, too much work!!
Last Sunday my XH was supposed to come over. He was a no show no call. I emailed him on Monday & it seems he had a migraine all Sunday. We emailed a few times this week. He asked if this Sunday is ok to come over. He even offered to repair my back steps! He said I could count on him, he promised. What a strange statement, since I haven't been able to count/rely on him in 2 years! I thanked him, but said maybe later this summer. (It's a big job, that cannot be done in 1 day & I'm too busy at work to take any vacation). I suggested a small job he could do & also suggested just hanging out & maybe taking a bike ride. He seemed fine with that. So we will see......
Last weekend was nice. I did yard work, hung out at home & took my 1st bike ride for the summer. So no complaints from me.
I've started the task of changing things back into my maiden name.
So what's that Ms Euphoria? Sorry couldn't resist.
Good to see you are doing well.
Cheers
Coach
Ah, good one, Coach!! Could be??
Thanks for stopping by, always good to hear from you.
(((MsM)))
I'm typing in the semi darkness so apologies for any mistakes!! I'm enjoying the light evenings, 22.30 and still not quite dark, I love it!
I'm still half and half with my married name. It is confusing to remember which one for which thing.
I'm sorry your h was a no show but good you emailed each other. Did he not even let you know?? Also positive on the acts of service from him.
You sound good...
Why change back to your maiden name? isn't that a mess and won't it cause a lot of pains?
how are you MsM? Missed ya! Been really busy with life and all.
Looks like things are going pretty good.
are you enjoying the summer... there is always so much more to do!
Oh and I have a good new recipe for a martini.....
I changed back to my maiden name 1 cuz my XH & I were only M &actually living together for 10 months, before he left. His name is just not me .... it was cursed for me. Strange as it sounds, it's just not ME.
Yep, things are ok for me, no complaints
XH came over last Sunday for a few hours. We drank, ate, chatted & watched a movie before he left. Then he asked if he could come over next Sunday (today). We didn't chat at all during the week, so I left him a message asking what his plans were for today. He called me back & it seems he will be coming over for a bit today. So we will sea all is calm for me!
Hope you have a great time!
Hiya Julia, We did end up having a nice time. Surprise, I was 1st on his list today! When chatting he said he had many things he "could" do today & I asked him what he wanted to do & that was to come by for a visit. We again had a martini & then took the dogs for a walk by the lake, like he suggested. It was very nice & relaxing. We came back to my house & had a bite to eat. Then we packed up a few of his things to take. A couple of hugs & kisses & he was gone.
Last week I invited him to ride bikes down to the lakefront for the 4th of July fireworks (which is on the 3rd here & an hour long). He accepted. We used to do this all the time when we were together. Always it's a fun evening!!!
hey Msm,
sounds like you guys are having some fun times together. I love fourth of july. has always been one of my favorite holidays.
sounds like your day will be fun!!!
I sympathize with the name thing. I'm going back to my maiden name too.
Sounds like, as always, you guys are having fun. I wonder how he can not see that you are perfect! LOL.
Kenn, I guess it's just a woman thing - LOL!!
That is the ultimate detachment isn't it, Michelle?
You don't mean that I'm perfect, right Michelle? Cuz, I ain't by a long shot! Your statement kinda got me thinking. My XH will struggle through work issues, will struggle through hobby issues (like when he was in a band), but M issues - no - stop, drop& roll away from them. Maybe it just goes back to what we are taught & what we really want to fight for. And of course what is inside our "comfort" zone to fight for. No one likes being outside of their comfort zone.
On Thursday eve, I called my XH to see if we were still on for 3rd of July fireworks. No answer, so I left a message. Friday midday he sends me an email saying yes & about what time he will be over. I get the email kinda late, but reply back. Then at 5 or so he calls me, again to tell me he'll be over at 7.
He gets here, we have a drink, chat, grill out & he gets our bikes ready for the night ride. The bike ride was nice, we weave through the crowd to get a nice spot up close. While waiting for the fireworks, we lean back on our small blanket & relax, just before I sit back up I put my head on his chest for a few seconds. I think that kinda made him uncomfortable. Ooopps. We sat up, & had our drinks & watched the fireworks together like old, sentimental times, when we were friends. It was so nice & the fireworks were fantastic! I did think about last year & going to the fireworks without him, kinda sad & certainly not as enjoyable. When the fireworks were finished, we weaved through the parking lot with our bikes instead of staying on the street where everyone was walking, like we usually do. I then took us a new way trying to avoid the crowds walking & get us to the bike path. I forgot one little thing, how to get to the bike path from this new way!! We ended up dragging our bikes up a hill to get to it - LOL
And who fell?? Me! Luckily, I didn't roll down the hill. Well, we made it all in good fun & beat the crowd to the bike path. I had asked my XH if he wanted to stay over earlier in the eve. He said he wanted to mow the lawn early in the morning, so no. Ok, then. Before he left we gave each other a nice hug goodbye, a short kiss & thanked each other for the nice evening. He then said he would call me today, after finishing the lawn & joked that I probably wouldn't be up yet!
Strange, strange, life surely isn't what we expect sometimes!
Sounds like quite an adventure!
So glad you guys are getting along as friends!
I know none of us are perfect, but it is so funny that you guys spend all this time together after the D, hug and kiss, chat, etc. I wonder what goes through their heads about the D sometimes. It seems like it would be hard to have all that fun and not wonder if the D was a mistake. *shrugs* I would, but then I'm not the WAS lol.
Yep, I totally agree. Who the hell knows what goes through the WAS head - crazy!!!
For my XH, it seems, much of it was financially or his debt driven (not wanting me to be responsible for his debt). I think it's more he didn't know how to turn around, walk back & work on our M. Much easier to start a new R (well so to speak). Not even saying we have a new R, because many of his walls are still up & I can only get so close. But, I'm ok with that & not bashing my head into a brick wall anymore! I think it knocked some sort of sense into me though ..... maybe .....
Hi MsM....
I just got caught up on your thread....
I think the new-found friendship with your XH is really wonderful....I like it that he shows an eagerness to contact you and spend time with you. I think you are great example for all of us, exactly what the DB principles are all about!!!!
I am so happy for you.....I don't know how to do happy faces...I am sending you one though!!!!
Perhaps with time your XH will tear down the brick walls and become more vulnerable to good opportunities with you again.
I still say that time and patience and treating them well is what has brought them back towards us in the first place. I can't imagine not being kind to him. I don't like his choice, it's not mine, it's his and he is still a human being who I love. It's that simple for me....
Your XH sounds like a wonderful man. Treating him kindly will take you far.
Your holiday sounded wonderful, I am happy for you and XH. Continue to DB, seems like the way to go....
(((((HUGS)))))
Sanderika
Hi Ms M
Wow, I'm so thrilled to hear how you are getting on with your exh. It is fantastic to hear how you are treating him and the amazing humility you have shown. He is a lucky guy.
So, what are your goals and aims?
Yeah, MsM....
^^^^^^^^^^^^
What's your next move?
There's got to be a day here where your H won't pull back when you try to snuggle a little. You guys haven't stopped huggin' and kissin'.
He seems like he wants it....
I really don't understand the pulling back thing.
Mine is pulling back....Why???
I am using you as my inspiration, I love your approach!!!!!
Not trying to put any pressure on you, I love your outlook and you are making the right choices. I want to get where you are.
I heard from H today and answered the question. It's all on my thread.
I hope you have a wonderful evening.....
Yeah for MsM!!!!
Sanderika
Yeah, no pressure is good!
Hhhhmmmm, my goals?? Can't say I have many with xh, except to be friends & have fun. My walls are up as well, I know they are, I can feel it. If he would want to come back tomorrow ?????? I don't know ......
He asked after D that we not talk about the D. Actually, it's pretty easy not to talk about D, M or R, because there is nothing left to talk about, it's over. The weight of that is gone. Just being friends, there's no need to talk about it.
Why do they pull back? Your guess is as good as mine. Not to lead you on, since they don't know what they want. Not to hurt you, or maybe not to have to deal with the good emotions/feelings that make them second guess their decision.
One goal I do have, is to have a garage built this summer/fall, so I have less shoveling to do this winter!
Hey MsM,
Well, I won't 'probe' you further
friends is a good goal - ok I will proble you... do you still want more, or maybe I should say are you open to more?
Exciting about the garage. Are you going to build it yourself?
BTW, thanx for the compliments above!
Sure, I guess, I'm leaving the door open otherwise I would have ditched him. I'm just enjoying the peace I have within myself. No pressure to make things work nor any real expectations. If he calls, he calls, if we meet up, we meet up - if not - no big deal.
On Sunday, I called my xh, he answered, we chatted for a few minutes. He thanked me for calling, no it's not a typo - he did thank me & then said he would call me sometime this week. And maybe said we could take a bike ride on Sunday. We will see, otherwise, I have things to do.
When he was over last, he had his hair dyed with highlights. I said it looked good. He said his stylist said the highlights would hide the grey. I told him that I had been on some internet dating sites & some pep on there really do look their age or even older. I told him that he didn't look his age. He said sometimes he feels it.
For my garage, I'm taking out a loan to have it built, while the economy is still bad & I can get a relatively good deal. Just preparing for my "old maid days"!
Hi MsM....
Your PMA is wonderful!!!
You are right about construction being a good deal right now.
Good luck with a builder. Do your homework and check with others for recommendations, get three quotes at least. I hear there are a few builders out there ripping people off with building shortcuts and shoddy materials right now to put more profit in their pockets. Have fun with the project!!!!
Funny isn't it how the H's became so polite to us-----after they leave us. If they had only been that way before....
You are not going to be an "Old Maid"....No talking like that,
you got it!!!!!
Your having a busy week, busy is good....
I'm proud of you and your outlook!!!
Take care, my friend....
Sanderika
MsM....
Thanks for popping by my thread.....
I won't come down on son. It would ruin his good time. It's water under the bridge for me. I am going to be just fine. All that matters is he had a great time.
You have a wonderful weekend too, my friend.....
(((((HUGS)))))
Sanderika
After waiting 1 1/2 years & getting D one of my initial goals has finally been met. The goal was for my H to call me. Yesterday, just as I was thinking of calling him, the phone rang & it was him. He was calling to cancel our Sunday meeting because he had a b'day party to go to. It was the owners wife (of the company my XH works for), who has MS. Strange that my X said, I'm not going there to socialize, I'm going there for owners wife because she's a nice woman. What an odd comment. I told him to have a good time. he said wish me luck, so I did.
Then my XH asked if I could get Monday, today, off of work to hang out, because this was his mandatory no pay day off for work. I told him I would check to see if I could get the afternoon off.
I did get the afternoon off & he came over changed my oil & cut down some tree stumps for me. Which was very nice. We then took a bike ride down to the lakefront & hung out there for a bit. It was all very nice. It's so strange that my XH, just isn't as chatty as he used to be (before the bomb). We used to talk about many different subjects, now not so. Still, I enjoy his company.
It's so strange how after all this, you are or can be more conscience of your actions. & still manage to stick your foot in your mouth! When XH was putting the chainsaw back in his car, he came back to get the oil that I had bought him for changing mine. I said, oh you can leave that there & put it in your car later. (I didn't realize he had left his trunk open). So he left the oil & then went back to close his trunk, not even saying he had to go back to his car anyway. After our bike ride, I apologized for telling him what to do & that I shouldn't have. He said that was ok, I said no I shouldn't have told you what to do & I'm working on that. He .... finally .... said that he had to go back & shut his trunk anyway, so he was just going to take it. GgggRrrrrr, why did I open my big trap & just let him do what he was going to??? Why didn't he just tell me ..... I gotta back to my car anyway, so I'll just take it now ....... Sometimes, I just don't understand not standing up for yourself or what you are doing - when it's surely NOT going to cause an argument. Granted, maybe he shouldn't have to explain himself either - but it's just simple communication.
In any case, all seemed fine, we ate dinner, he was tired & ready to get home. I asked him if he wanted to take any of his things - he said, no, but would on Sunday. I'm guessing seeing each other on Sunday, might be our thing again, like pre-dating & dating days?? I thanked him again for the help, he thanked me, we kissed & hugged & he was gone.
Hi MsM....
I am so happy for you one of your goals has been met. It helps to keep you going forward when something works. You realize you are doing it right.
IMO your XH didn't want you to jump to any conclusions as to why he was attending the b-day party. He felt it was very important that you understood he felt it was an obligation to attend for her. Perhaps her condition is worsening and he attended simply out of respect for his boss and family.
I think it is a good sign that he wants to reassure you that he is not out socializing. It's a good sign he wanted to spend his day off with you. It's a good sign he's enjoying Sundays with you. It's a good sign you are hugging and kissing.
Sometimes the company is perfect even though there isn't a lot of conversing. Sometimes it feels just right to just be with someone in comfort while enjoying the companionship. With time as you two become more comfortable together the conversing will come. It's all about the baby steps. Keep the PMA and it will rub off on H too. I wonder if his self-esteem has been damaged in the process and it will take time for him to regain his ability to open up and release his inhibitions. He already feels safe with you because of the way you treat him.
I wouldn't worry too much about the miscommunication about the oil and it might be something you thought had more impact than XH thought it did. It might be that XH didn't even notice that your comment was telling him what to do. With your continued analyzing of the comment XH now realizes what you were doing. A safe approach for the next time is to simply leave XH to take care of matters himself and not say anything, let him handle it and MsM goes about her own business and does something different leaving XH to finish up. No Communication fits some situations perfectly. XH didn't stand up for himself because he didn't even notice MsM was telling him what to do. He might have simply thought you were trying to be helpful.
I am happy your afternoon and evening went very well.
It's baby steps in the right direction and that feels really good right now. Keep doing what you are doing, it's working.
(((((Hugs, my friend)))))
Sanderika
Yay for baby steps!
Ditto to Snanderika. She nailed it.
Thanks for your analysis Sanderika. The thing is pre-bomb that was one of his complaints (nagging/directing too much). And out of the many complaints, that one is true. Sorry to say, but it's hereditary my mum & grandma do the same thing. A very tough habit to break. At least I'm conscience of it. I'll get over it.
Hi MsM,
I was wondering about how you are....
I hope you and XH can spend some more quality time together this weekend.
These ladies in your life must be very strong and powerful, the traits have lasted three generations!!!! I can see why you would have the tendency to behave the same way for sure!!!!
I have some traits from my family, some are great and others not so likeable. I, like you, am trying to break the bad ones.
As long as we have identified 'em, we can change 'em!!!
I hope your week went well and your weekend is even better.
Sanderika
Hi Ms M
That is so good that your XH called to let you know, and clearly showed that he wanted to spend time with you becuase he immeadiately arranged a different day. So much more courtesy than they have shown previously.
I agree about the oil thing, he probably didn't really notice so don't beat yourself up.
Hope you are well and had a fab weekend!
hi MsM!
hope you are doing well! miss you. life has become so busy but I wanted to stop by and say hello! miss my friends!
A friendly hello.....
Hope things with you are great.....
(((((HUGS)))))
Sanderika
Yep, I'm here still lurking around. Not much new to report. Didn't see XH last weekend & really didn't care if I did. Not sure why that is. Maybe it's the lack of connection or maybe just my mood for the week.
I emailed him on Tues asking how his weekend went. The gloomy weather had him depressed on Sunday. I also emailed him to see if he had gotten car insurance. He emailed back saying he was deciding. I told him that as of yesterday he didn't have car insurance. (I had warned him for a month that car insurance was due to renew this month & since we are D, he had to find his own). He emailed back stating how he hates doing this kind of stuff. I said, yep, I know that. And then I thought to myself & that was one of your benefits of being M to me - but in the end - that really wasn't very important.
Been busy at work (I work at a non profit was well). At home my sister has been driving me crazy with her employment decisions/drama/emotions. Ah, where's the quiet time?
Hey MsM.....
Glad you are still lurking about......
Yes, it's reality for XH. Car Insurance, Registrations, Bill Paying, Etc... It's his burden now. Is this kind of stuff contributing to XH feeling of depression? He is capable of taking care of his own business, I assume. It is not fun. It is now a consequence that makes the D even more real. I wonder if he is sulking and feeling real bad about himself right now and his choices? I wonder if the regrets are starting?
I was hoping to read more about light-hearted visits between the two of you. This is probably only temporary. For you I hope so....
I hope this weekend brings you some good contact with him, if it is what you would like to see.
I have accepted a second job and I start that next Wednesday. I am excited. I have been looking for something for a long while now. It is doing the same kind of work I already do. There will be a learning curve since most companies operate a little differently. I am ready for a new challenge. Time will become precious once again.
It's pouring rain here today, I hope it clears, we have had enough already. ENOUGH!!!! This is the summer that isn't a summer!!!! I live w/i 17 miles of the coast of Maine and we have had rain, rain, rain. Our temps have maintained at 65-70 degrees nearly everyday. Just plain aggravating. I have hardly broke out the summer clothes.
I hope you have an enjoyable weekend.....make some time just for you MsM!!!!!
Take care my friend,
Sanderika
Yeah, my STBXH had the gall to b!tch that his car insurance rates went up when he got his own. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "guess you should either keep me or maybe you should stop getting speeding tickets."
Hey MsM,
how are you? Hope all is going well. Life is too hectic for me - move, school, new job, drinking (but just for social reasons LOL ), traveling for work..... argh!
I did want to stop in and let you know I miss our chats. Need to make more time. Hope all is going well with XH.
Hi Ms M
I just was wondering, with your exh now, do you initiate your meet ups or does he or is it a mixture of both?
Hope you're well
J
Hey Kenn, Nice to see you popping around now & then. Sounds like things are ok with your W & your life. Good to hear.
Hey Julia, Well when we were working on D papers, I prodded him to get it done, yet he always chose the day & I always agreed. Now it's kinda half in half - but mostly when he suggests. His b'day dinner & 4th of July, I suggested - he agreed & showed up. The other Sundays have been his choosing & me agreeing. This last Sunday I left him a message asking him to go to an airplane show here. No response, so I went by myself. He emailed me on Monday, saying sorry & what he had done. Strange he cut down a tree at BMF, mom's house to make some money. My XH hates heights. Very odd, that he said it was taller than the tree he cut down (a few years back) at OUR house. Since he has some extra cash he asked me if I still wanted to go to the Ren Fair with him. I said yes. We will see if we actually go.
So mostly, I leave it to him & ask occasionally.
So how's life with you Missy?
Yeah! Long time no see!
Yeah, I've just been lurking about. Had a stint where I just didn't feel like posting anything. Most likely that was from the drama around me. Mainly, my sisters drama with taking an 8 month contract job in Dallas & then her stressing about getting a different car. She totally over reacts to things, which makes it difficult. She left last week & our friends went on vacation too, so I was pet sitting & my older cat became sick again. Last week I had 5 dogs & 4 cats to take care of at my house. Luckily my 17 yr old cat is doing better again. So was total chaos here! Now I'm getting ready for my dad to visit this weekend. I'm so terrible - but I just want my peace, alone & quiet time. Hopefully that will be next weekend.
Nothing much new in my sitch. Haven't seen my xh since July 4th. He's been busy & I'm tending not to care much these days. (shrug) We email once in awhile when I initiate it & well, I guess the phone has the plague or something!! LOL
I've been doing more lurking than posting, especially on my own thread.
So I definitely sympathize.
Hope things calm down for ya soon!
I know how it is to want that personal time! I locked myself in the bathroom to take a bubble bath with candles last night lol.
You have phone plague too?? lol! Men!
Sorry things have been hectic, makes you appreciate the quiet times though I guess.
Hello Ladies,
The phone plague is in Maine too. It's reached epidemic proportions for sure...
Have only heard from my H once since we postponed our D again....YES, I am keeping track!!!!
It's funny, I am right there with you all. I am lurking about and posting to others and have no desire to post on my own. What is up with that? I know it feels wierd somehow to write there. It's not that I don't want to share what is happening, it's more like I have buried my feelings about all that is happening right now. It isn't making any sense to me.
OH well,
Take care all.....
Sanderika
The media is all about swine flu but this phone plague seems to be reaching epidemic proportions. The US, England where next??
Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. There is sun here - woop, woop!! I have a slight heat rash on my arms - so exciting
Well just a quick update here. So I decided to email my xh today (his work email). I get a response back saying xxx no longer works here!! What?!?! So I called his cell phone & left a message saying his email bounced back & said he no longer works there & was wondering if that was true. If so, I was sorry to hear & to call me back if he wanted to talk. I get home & there's a message on my machine from him apologizing for not telling me & that he is working on putting his life back together.
Wow!!! 1. He apologized for not telling me. He doesn't really have any obligation to tell me - strange. 2. Can anyone say Karma? 3. I just avoided a huge possibility of being responsible for his debts!
I feel so bad for him. Yet, the oddest thing is ..... is he was always luckiest with me. (Meaning he had good luck - not bad when with me). Although, life was probably pretty boring with me, no living on the edge & struggling, no drama. And for 40 years that's all he has known.
So the phone plague might be subsiding a bit. Symptoms of this mysterious illness called phone plague include the aversion of the WAH not calling or answering the telephone. The recovery period from this has not yet been determined. Yet, you will know when this plagues death grip has lifted, because your WAH will answer his phone. If he happens to call you .... he has fully recovered from the black death plague of the 21st century named Phone Plague .... (ah, ah ah)
ROTFLMAO. Nice.
And great positives in the top post!
Some people just don't know how to live without the drama. My roommate is like that.
It seems this phone plague which also is in cahoots with the other plague here - known as the fog plague, may have subdided a bit for my xh.
I found out this morning at work that our new Exec Director needs some help moving & will pay family & friends. So I decided to call my xh to see if he wanted some extra cash. Surprise, surprise he answered his phone!! I mention about this little 4 hr job, but my xh will be visiting his mum & family this weekend. I also mentioned about maybe doing some work on my house. Which he will consider. I also joked that he could be my butler (you know have dinner & a drink waiting for me when I get home). We had a very nice chat & joked a bit. It seems the new boss doesn't like the owners son (who is my xh BF) - so my xh thinks this may have cost him his job. Hhhhhmmmm, wonder who, who told him this, oh, 2 years ago (not to mix work & personal life)??? Yep, that's right - me. My xh admitted that I was right & we joked about it a bit. He also said that his former place of employment had been making him angry & depressed for sometime & in some ways he was glad to be gone from there. His other friend/landlord told him if they ask you back to work - don't take it. I told my xh, you have to take it or your unemployment gets nixed. He thanked me for telling him & for telling him about the new Cobra health law. My xh a pretty devoted republican, actually said he was glad the democrats were in power. I joked - who am I talking to???? I probably shouldn't have - but said to him that maybe in these past years he has learned some lessons. I said that I had & even though I didn't like all the lessons - that I hoped I would grow from them. Damn - why did I say that - oh well the convo moved on.
He then starting joking about having to go into his retirement plan early. You see, his retirement plan - my idea - was that he would have to be a stripper
(cuz - he really has no retirement $$). I told him maybe he should do some research on it - no - he said I should do some research on it. Hhhmmm - now that's an idea.
Anyway the convo went to him talking about a MF of mine/ours that he didn't like, was annoyed by - just pre-bomb. Now my xh, says he kinda misses this MF & if I see him to tell him hello. Ok, this is Totally our of character for my xh - to connect with my/our friends. My xh also made some sort of comment about me not inviting him & other friends over. (Now, i've been thrown for loop #2)!
Hhhhmmm ..... maybe this loss of job - has led him to evaluate all aspects of his life. One can only hope.
Wow.
I feel like I just came off a roller coaster! I'm dizzy!
Way to go MsM. Great job! Loving that the phone plague is lifting (RMAO re your post!
). Let's hope he makes some positive changes!
Hey Michelle, I guess, I tend to ramble & go all over the place sometimes when posting. Hope your motion sickness is over!
Thanks Julia. Yes, I do hope he makes some positive changes from all this & really reflects on the past 2 years & the choices he made. He has been quite mopy & depressed when we have gotten together, not the person I used to know. So we shall see.
LMAO. I wasn't even talking about you, but about your H! He doesn't know which way is coming or going some days! LOL.
I sincerely hope that he is at the "bottom" of his issues and can start working his way back to being a happy and balanced person!
Just saying hi MsM
Hey Julia, hey Michelle. All is pretty quiet with me, as usual
A strange thing happened yesterday my xh SIL called my house. It seems she still has my # as xh home #. She called last year at this time too. The very odd thing is, yesterday it was 2 years to the date that xh dropped the bomb & left & 3 months to the day of our D. We had a nice short chat. Was nice of her to tell me she liked me. Anyway, what she was calling about was to find out if my xh, still wanted some stuff stored at her store that she sold. I suppose it's been there for 10 years or so. She also asked if there was a portfolio of one of xh old GF at my house. Said I didn't know. Strange, because this old GF, my xh only described as a friend, never an old GF.
Oh well. I did quite a bit of thinking yesterday & have decided that it is really time for me to move on. A leopard will never change it's spots & that's what my xh is. If, if, he wants any type of R, he will have to work at it - not me.
So, I will begin the process of moving his things to his house. I cannot move on with all his things here. He will not stick me with all of his clutter & he will not run away from it either. He did say he would help, yet I have seen very little effort. So not out of character for him.
I only have one life & best starting living it!
Hi MsM
I'm coming to realise that too about the leopard. Although I think h did change his spots when he left me, it is just on their time frame when they next change them and we can always wait. If that makes any sense
With regards to h's stuff, Jody said for me to separate it from mine and arrange a time with him for him to come and take it away. I literally put it all in a cupboard, didn't box it or anything. H didn't even bring any boxes with him . It just made me realise how much he expects that I would have done these things for him.
I love your last sentance. Any plans?
Love Julia's actions!
Yes, I had to do the same thing. Depressed people just don't have any motivation. And my STBXH has been severely depressed for quite a while now. So *shrugs*
I dumped some of his stuff at MIL's since he wouldn't cooperate in sorting it lol.
Totally agree with the depression statement & no motivation. I think my xh would just as soon leave his stuff here forever.
So, I received an email from him after 2 or so weeks! Seems he no longer has a computer (guess his landlord/friend took it back) & has to go to the library. No mobile/cell either only home phone. He told me a bit about what he's been doing, asked to have a drink on Monday and, and, get this .... this is the kicker .... asked me why I haven't tried to call him!!! Well, let's see maybe because you've been avoiding me for the past 2 years & I've given up trying!!!!! (BTW that last statement s/be in all CAPS). Gotta say too funny!
Did you reply? Are you going to meet him?
Hey Julia, Well, whether or not I should have, I did reply. Said that today was ok, so we will see. About the phone call I said that I didn't know he wanted to talk to me, because that has not been the norm for a long time. Then I asked why he hasn't called me? So we shall see - not bothered either way.
Some good stuff on your thread.
Have fun. I hope it goes well!
Hey Julia, So I called my xh to see if dinner & drinks were still on. He said yes, but only for a couple of hours. Which was expected & ok. I asked him why he never tried calling me. He said cuz maybe I didn't want to talk to him. I said, well why would you expect me to call you & when you been avoiding me for the past 2 years? He got this sad guilty look on his face. We chatted some, he seemed a bit more open & even asked how I was doing & such. The evening seemed to go in warp speed. Obliviously, he is very worried & nervous about his life & not having a job. He hasn't talked to his BMF in a month or so. Wow, he even tried calling him, no return call. What kind of a BF, is that?!?
All in all it went ok. It seems he wants to come over on Wednesday eve as well & will give me a call at work. OMG - 2 times in 1 week!!!
Glad it went well, two times in a week, blimey
I love the way you can be so straightforward with him and call him on his behaviour!
Glad to hear you guys are getting together! That's funny that he was so worried about you not wanting to talk to him.
I sometimes think that's why I've gone NC w/ STBXH so long. But then again, I don't actually want to talk to him, so....LOL
Hey Michelle, Long time no see - good for you!
Nah, I think you made the right choice. You seem very happy.
Another no show, no call from my xh. I emailed him today. He felt guilty for 1st canceling on Wed & then had car trouble on Thurs when we were supposed to meet. He freaked out (in his words), so he didn't call. Actually, I didn't expect him really anyway. Got this song & dance down already. Guess he doesn't realize my happiness isn't in his hands. Nor really any feelings on the surface anyway.
Just goin along at a turles pace
Just journaling my thoughts & occurances of late. Yesterday, as planned my xh showed up to move his things. I was rather surprised. He couldn't get his friends truck so I offered my car for a few loads. Now I would guess, only half of his things are here.
Before the moving started we chatted. I told him it was 5 years ago that he moved here. And that our R lasted 3 years, which was par for the course for each of us. Which is really true. I don't think either of us have stayed in an R for anymore than 3 yrs. My xh said, with a pouty face, he didn't want to talk about it.
One interesting thing he said was that his former BMF told him that former ow was using his last name for her email address. xh said he didn't know why she would be & would have no benefit from it & wondered if it was really true. I said I didn't know why, but then had little knowledge of their R. This was quite strange, cuz it was a 1st seemingly addimssion by xh that ow was just more than a friend, as he always claimed she was. Also told him that his SIL called about his things there & SIL said another old GF called wanting her drawings she left w/xh. xh became a bit agitated, said he deleted former GF email & said he didn't have them anymore & that was over 10 yrs ago. As I recall, this GF was just another friend as well.
All in all the day went ok. While I helped carry things, I told my xh that this seems to bring a finality to it all. My xh said he didn't think so. ????? Later on, when we had a drink, I asked him: I'm just curious, but you left because you were unhappy, have you been happy since then? He said no, not yet, I'm working on it. I said, you're not happy?? I was quite surprised! And then, I backstepped & said that is understandable.
Well, we shall see if he shows up on Thursday to get more of his things as planned. Or if I have scared him away for a bit. He also mention about helping decorate for Halloween. I said sure, if you want to. Can't say I was overly excited about it, cuz, well, he is still unreliable with his offers & turning them into action.
Xh was impressed with the garage I'm having built, almost done now. Yeah!! The electricians were here, while he was & I ended up chatting with one of them a bit, maybe a bit too much. Oh, well.
And the ride continues - although no longer on a roller coaster, as my emotions have shut down.
Ms M, he is one confusing chap! Although I guess that is not unusual for the WAH's round here.
How do you feel? Do you still want him to continue to come round? Do you want him as a friend?
The garage sounds exciting!
Hey Julia, Good to see you!
I expected you would be going dark on us for a bit.
Yes, he does seem to be a confusing chap! And you are right how all WAS are. Just goes to show, how you really don't know how someone thinks or feels. Being friends with him, at this point would be nice. Not getting my hopes up though.
It was funny a few things I had out that he took, he said, you told me not to buy this and this.
Yep I did - but said nothing yesterday. Around & around he goes, where he stops nobody knows! 5 years ago before moving here, he cleaned out his clutter/things in his life & now he's doing the same aalll over again.
An update for me. Since I last posted my xh came over 2 times and we organized & moved the majority of his things out of my house. I was surprised he showed up. He actually rented a moving van & filled it with mostly toys & collectibles. He didn't really remember he had so much sh!t! That was kinda funny. He then said one should only collect what one can display. Oh, we had a good laugh over that one! Our time together was enjoyable. I thought I would be sad, but really wasn't. Not quite sure why?
Yesterday he showed up to help put up Halloween decorations. Again, I was surprised & happy & we had a good time.
Today I emailed him, asking if he would be interested in being hired by me, to put up my fence. He said, yes & that his old BMF, K (from 2+ years ago) is hiring him for some remodel work. That is good, because K, is a really good man. So my xh is now reconnecting with the good friends he threw away when this whole mess started. (Now that the loser friends he chose 2 yrs ago are no longer part of his life).
I find it all very interesting!
Hi MsM,
Getting along is ALWAYS a good thing.
You know, you pop in from time to time, so honestly I'm not 100% up to speed here, but what if he's reached his personal epiphany? They say WAH are more likely to want to come back than WAWs. What if he's slowly coming around?
Hey dday, thanx for stopping by. Always love a man's POV. My sitch speed is a turtles pace so ya haven't missed much
What if he's coming around? Well, I try to push that out of my head. Since D the bar has been raised. Yet, I am happy to see he is making positive changes in his life.
Long time no see, again. Lol.
Glad to hear you guys are working on the friendship thing.
I'm sure getting his stuff is taking away some of the pressure and awkwardness from his point of view.
He really is confused lol.
Glad you aren't letting it get you down though!
'Since D the bar has been raised.'
I know what you mean. I bet you, like myself, have had a lot to think about regarding what we want out of a partner. And while the WAS is usually critical of the LBS, finding fault and excuses for leaving, now we find ourselves being more critical (in a good way)and expecting to be treated better than what we got.
I really want a little 'respect'. How 'bout it Aretha? (Franklin,in case you don't know the oldies. )
Hey Michelle, long time no see - thanx for stopping by! Yep, I think my xh is still trying to fight his way out of the cardboard box he put himself into ...... now if he could only find one of his swords to help fight his way out! Well, maybe he is - LOL
Hey native, Wow - how very strange as I was posting to you - you were posting to me - do do do do.
Yes, I know the oldies. Totally agree with your statement. And I know a lot of what my xh said when he left was a bunch of BS, because it all was quite fixable with simple communication & willingness to change. Yet, neither one of us found the correct tools we needed at the moment.
Live & learn - or spend the rest of your life kicking yourself down for the mistakes you made. That is definately, your own choice.
Ms M that is a very wise last post! Hope you are doing ok.
Hey Julia, thanx for the compliment. That was something I figured out long ago. I could either live, learn & try to understand the mistakes I made or kick myself down forever for them.
My other type of "motto" that I threw out the window when my xh left was: I don't want someone who doesn't want me. (If my partner is unhappy & doesn't want to be with me, then I don't want them. And they are Free to leave). Maybe I should have stuck to that one - eh?
Last Tue. was my M anniversary. Strange how it still sticks in my head. The only day that was a happy date was that day.
I'm doing well - thanx for asking. I've gotten off the rollercoater, quite a while ago, actually. Life is good and I'm happy. Gotta spend my weekend cleaning this pig pen of a house up!
Kicking yourself sounds painful.
Don't do that.
Hope you got more cleaning done this weekend than I did lol.
Actually, I got most of the stuff on my list done. So it was a very productive weekend. I got out the latter, & cheapo tree trimmer & trimmed/pruned my trees. I can't believe I didn't fall off the latter & kill myself. Heck, I didn't even break a nail & I have some pretty long "real" nails!! LOL
Went to see the Michael Moore movie Capitalism: A Love Story with some friends. Very good movie, if you are a liberal. hehe
(((((MsM)))))
Happy Thanksgiving to you.....
I was happy to read you have been doing well,
Take care....
Sanderika
Hi MsM
I was just wondering how you are? Wishing you a Happy Christmas!
J
Hey Mrs M.. just wanted to wish you a Happy Christmas too and I hope next year brings you love and happiness...
Al xxx
Merry Christmas to you my dear!