All things work together for good...1All things work together for good...2All things work together for good...3All things work together for good...4All things work together for good...5C2H...What are you thinkin'? All things...6 - One year anniv. of X leaving All things work together for good...7 All things work together for good...8 All things work together for good...9 All things ...10 - One year anniv. D Final All things ...11 - PEACE WITH MR. X! Summary:M 16.5
S 14, D 16 (live with mom); SS 25 (lives with me)
11/05 - X files D
7/06 - X moved out with kids (I offered X the house but she declined so I bought her out. Immediately OM in the picture continuously)
10/1706 - D final 
5/07 - X Marries OM
11/05 - Arrange face to face with Mr. X to forgive him.
The marriage was rocky for over 10 years. X had an affair with a different OM around 98/99. We separated for 6 months from 6/99 to 12/99 (I moved because of her hysterics and volatility) but got back together. After X moved this time, I attempted to "stand" for the marriage but since coming back to the board 8/06, I have slowly moved from vigorously standing, to remaining open to reconciliation to deciding that I would not reconcile (X getting married closed the door for good).
X and I have been Christians since before we started dating, X has asserted that God has given her permission to D and has paved her way to be with OM who is not a Christian.
My title comes from the Bible verse:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
I own my part in the demise of marriage but I believe my X had no grounds for marriage according to our professed faith and the teachings we held from the Bible. Yet, I still maintain that God will use this situation to work for His greater good.
Getting A Life The transition from being devastated at the realization that OM was not Just a friend to Standing to Getting A Life and finally deciding I will not take X back has been an extremely challenging journey but God has provided the people, resources total support that I have needed including the people in this forum. My life has become increasingly full, an amazing adventure with blessing after blessing after blessing.
THANK YOU!A huge "thank you" goes out to Michele for making this forum available for us DBers who tried and yet still wound up in this forum. An equally huge "thank you" goes out to the people in this forum who lend an ear, offer sage advice or a shoulder (or thread) to cry on. There have been plenty of very challenging times I have had to go through to this point and this forum and the people in it have helped immeasurably in bringing healing.
I resurfaced yesterday to offer belated Christmas wishes and an advanced
Happy New Year when Karen addressed me and closed my thread. Profound thoughts (at least in my own head) will be posted soon so that I may look back, learn and grow from the past and that I might also look forwards and prayerfully plan for the future.
In the meantime who's thirsty?
In the meantime who's thirsty?
OOOH OOOOH OOOH... pick me, pick me...
How about a Baily's and coffee.... that's as hard as I need to go. I'm a wimp with alkie...
I was beginning to wonder about you C2.... hadn't seen you around much. Wondered if you got all your re-entry into the dating scene all squared away and decided to ditch us.... for closer company. Good to see you back and looking forward to hearing about your holidays.
LNF what's up with you?
You disappear then resurface everytime someone mentions anything about alcohol. Do you live in a dry town or something?
What's happening in your life? How are your kids and what have you been up to?
Oh man.....this is so hard to admit but I guess I do miss you...
Love,
Bethie
Hi C2,
I miss you as well. You have let me swing in the breeze the last couple of weeks and I don't like it.
Just want to thank you as well for keeping me on the straight and narrow. I'm glad that your Christmas was a happy one and I wish you the happiest of New Years..........
Love,
Bethie
LNF,
Naw, not ditching this group too much fun and too much learning to continue doing. (Easy on the Baily's ok, some people will spread rumors about anything).
Bethie, now you know you've been in my thoughts and I've touched base off the board so you're not swinging in my breeze but maybe in the breeze of artistic twirls on the poll? Fess up darling
Oh Ok,
Just trying to make you feel guilty....cause that's how I do!
I think I miss coming to the board in the morning and not seeing your middle of the night (well pacific time anyway) musings. Between you and Joe there is always a novel to read. When you don't write I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself!
Notice that I never reveal where I'm swinging or how fast...at least not in a public forum!
Love you........
LNF what's up with you?
You disappear then resurface everytime someone mentions anything about alcohol. Do you live in a dry town or something?
What's happening in your life? How are your kids and what have you been up to?
Oh man.....this is so hard to admit but I guess I do miss you...
Love,
Bethie
AWE.... what a sweet thing to say just after you slam me!
nope.... we are pretty wet here in my little corner of the world. Although I have found things are much clearer when I stay dry!
Life is trucking right along. Nothing major to report in my life other than my son just had his 18th B-Day and I'm vacillating between the YIPPIES
and the Sniffles
.... you know how that goes. Both he and D12 are doing wonderfully... thanks for asking. Both are about to begin their sports again after the break. Baseball conditioning and Winter Volleyball.
It's here I come to get a little naughtiness out of my system....
C2H,
You're around sporadically these days, so I hope that's because you can't tear yourself away from the good things in Real Life.
I see you posting tonight, so have a Blessed New Year!
Joe
C2,
I couldn't let the New Year go by without wishing you all of the best in 2008.
Keep doing what your doing by keeping us all on the strait and narrow. We love you for it!
Love,
Bethie
Happy New Year to all!I am looking forward to a wonderful 2008 for me and many of us, I am certain.
I Have spent time reflecting on 2007 and have seen significant growth and healing and am now so very ready to enjoy the life God has in store for me.
I plan to post in greater detail but the year started out with me only 10 or so weeks into my divorce, thinking maybe by some odd chance my X might come to her senses. Obviously, she didn't and that led to working through the heartache, gradual healing, eventual forgiveness and peace with my circumstances. I also experienced a year full of wonderous experiences with my Lord, many of which have been detailed in my posts. Equally as important, I have focused on making sure my kids knew they could always count on their dad and we have many great memories because of this focus.
As this year unfolds, I am just so excited about what will transpire, including the hope that a (future) woman will become a special part of my life. I won't force anything but I know I am ready. Of course, my walk with my Lord comes first, then my kids and then whatever He has in store for me in that area.
Let the journey continue!
New Year's Eve celebrationSingle people from my church got together for a pot luck and "dry" party, DJ and all. As I arrived, I saw a 8:1 ratio of men to women and thought "at least many of my close friends are here, I'll have friends to talk to
"
The women eventually arrived and we ate, danced and then danced some more until the cops shut us down at almost 2 a.m. We laughed at the notion that they were shutting down what was probably the cleanest and most sober party in the whole city.
I am so sore because I danced most of the night including dusting off my disco moves that have stood the test of time (of course "back in the day" I don't remember looking around while dancing and hoping there was a tank of oxygen somewhere nearby, LOL!). It was a BLAST!!!!!
Today I had three guys over from church and we had a late breakfast, watched USC destroy the Illini and then had dinner and more fellowship while the Sugar Bowl played on. It was a very enjoyable day indeed.
My kids called from the airport in Costa Rica while one of the games was on and they were loooking forward to seeing me tomorrow, same here!
Yes, 2008 is going to be a very good year!!
C2H, some girl out there is going to get very lucky this year. You have taken the time to work on you and I think that is the best gift you could have given to yourself, your kids, and anyone around you.
Always so good to read your posts.
Neli
I am so sore because I danced most of the night including dusting off my disco moves that have stood the test of time (of course "back in the day" I don't remember looking around while dancing and hoping there was a tank of oxygen somewhere nearby, LOL!). It was a BLAST!!!!!
By any chance did this dancing involve a white seersucker suit and a red silk shirt?
By any chance did this dancing involve a white seersucker suit and a red silk shirt?
Most likely a butt light completed his ensemble.......
That C2's a snazzy dresser, ya know!!!
Hey C2
Well you answered 2 of my many questions from email!
Sounds like a great time! and I am glad you heard from the kiddies!
Neli is right, some girl out there is gonna be a lucky thang when you chose her
Happy New Year sweetpea!!
and rah rah Trojans!
I am so sore because I danced most of the night including dusting off my disco moves that have stood the test of time (of course "back in the day" I don't remember looking around while dancing and hoping there was a tank of oxygen somewhere nearby, LOL!). It was a BLAST!!!!!
hahahah know that feeling!
Went to a wedding Sat. danced, and its what, wed? and my legs are still sooo sore!! what a wimp i am! lol
its fun tho and darn good exercise!
Neli,
The year has gone by quickly but definitely not painlessly. Like so many who have gone before us, I do see the progress and look forward to finding a special someone but I won't force anything.
"seersucker suit and a red silk shirt?" Naw, retired that ensemble and even passed on the butt light because the DJ's mirror ball and strobe lights were the only lights we needed.
Karen, when I find her, we'll both be the lucky ones! (As for your soreness from dancing, guess neither of us is ready for dancing with the stars quite yet, huh?
Kiddies return home!
Picked up my kids and took them to eat and hang out in Pasadena and then to church in the evening. Their respective youth groups have bunches of neat kids they have known for years and years so they were glad to get back home. They had fun on their trip and continue to adapt to the stuff they've been put through because of the D. They appreciate the life they have because I have continued to remind them just how fortunate they are compared to many others.
I was so glad to have them home!
Karen, when I find her, we'll both be the lucky ones! (As for your soreness from dancing, guess neither of us is ready for dancing with the stars quite yet, huh?
Hey speak for yourself! Stay tuned next season, you will see me and Robert Goulet cuttin a rug ( oh wait did he just pass away??)
ok then maybe American Idol!
Glad the kiddies are home!! I bet they were happy to see you too!
all is right when are kids come home uh?
You've got mail!! LOL
Have a super weekend!
Happy Friday!
My kids are still off from school so today I am Mr. Mom, having taken them to the Dr. for regular check ups and am about to make lunch for them. Just a relaxing day, hanging out together.
Too soon, D will be a senior and then off to college and son will be in h.s. next year, great kids and I thank God the Divorce has not totally ruined their lives.
Yesterday son and I went to watch D play their arch rival in the soccer league opener and my girl's team was winning then all of a sudden their opponent tied them gained momentum and went on to take the game from our team
Fortunately, they play again on our home field in a three weeks...REVENGE!
Kids are with their mom this weekend but I will keep myself busy and I get them Sunday morning for church, along with their cousin who now goes to church with us. Tonight, my kids will either go to a skate party at the church (live band) OR son and I will hang out and watch basketball in front of a roaring fire! I love my life and am ready to have someone else enjoy it with me, in due time, due time.
Happy Friday C2,
Yup it's the little things that mean the most. At least that's what my kids tell me. So enjoy your time with them. What's for lunch?
It absolutely amazes me with how social and active your church is. That's a wonderful thing and I don't ever remember hearing that any church having so much to offer.
Hey why do you need a roaring fire? Is it cold out there?
Love,
Bethie
Oh man what I wouldn't give for a fireplace in my house. Few things say homey comfort like the warm bricks of a hearth and the smell of wood burning from a chimney......
OMG!!!! I think I just had a Hallmark moment.
I think you need to talk to someone. Does your boss have any openings?
Hey now.... nothing disturbing about that....
Cold (50's lol) and wet tonight. My house was built in '39, has hardwood floors and a floor furnace so it does get chilly so I fire up the fire place for the occasional TV vegging out session.
Yep, we have a lot going on at church, we cannot get enough of fellowship, learning and serving. The kids had a great time at the skate party, son and I watched the laker game over a burger with a roaring fire.
LNF, "hallmark card?" you betcha!! They tug on our heartstrings for good reason, special moments are...special.
Ohh your house sounds cozy C2!
B and I made a fire over the weekend, so nice and snuggly
Gonna have one tomorrow too w/ this rain! wont be romantic w/ my kid but still nice lol
Your weekend sounds great and your are right , in due time.
Be careful out there! Went out but got home just before the rain started. ( Still say they are exagerating!)
stay dry!
I love my life and am ready to have someone else enjoy it with me, in due time, due time.
Great place to be, isn't it, C2. Wish my D22 was old enough to set you up with.......
Karen,
Fires, romance? You mean you can use them for that too? Great idea... "in due time."
Jill,
Add another 20 years to her age and then we would be in the ballpark.
Getting back on the bike!I'm thinking about being a little more proactive in this area of searching out the "woman of my dreams" this year. I'm not desperate to be attached nor am I unrealistic about finding my "soul mate" nor will I force anything but I am ready. Dancing with some of the ladies from church stirred my interest in fun female companionship. Previously, so much of my social interaction at church has been with the men, purposely keeping a distance from the ladies so as to not "rebound" into something before I was healed. Now I am very much feeling like it is "MY TURN."
<using his best Forrest Gump southern accent...>
And that's all I have to say about that!
Newsflash: C2H is alive and kicking!
Looks like I got on my bike and forgot where my PC was, didn't it?
Well actually, I just got side tracked and stayed away. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months.
So, what can I say to summaize what's been going on the last three months? Hmmmm? (ok four months to makes sense of this update). Both of us were at that New Year's party that I had such a good time at and neither of us were uncomfortable.
In Jan and Feb, I was in a bit of a funk. Feeling good about a potential relationship only caused me to feel a bit of a loss but I also had some good memories and was excited about potentially meeting a match for me, some day...
In December, I explored a relationship over a several week period but, after lots of phone calls and some coffees dates, I was told "we should just be friends" which we actually are.
About a month ago I was attending a friend's 50th birthday bash and ran into the last girlfriend I had, prior to meeting my future wife. It had been 21 years since I had seen her. The curiosity of it all led us to spend time together in person and over the phone. It was extremely exciting and fun as well as theraputic. Huh?
We dated when we were young and neither of us were Christians and our values were very different than they are today. As it turns out, she too had a "born again" experience and so our encounter this time around was based on values we both shared.
Long story short, after 4 weeks, I see enough red flags to tell me this is likely not my future bride. Stranger things have happened in my life but I do need to speak with her as our lines of communication have been virtually dead since past Sunday.
Our schedules are VERY different and we are both extremely involved in our respective churches and so spendng time together is a major challenge yet it should not be so.
So, at this point, I think I am once again singel and not dating anyone and I am ok with that.
Of greater importance are my kids and how they are doing. I did not expose them to either of these ladies so all they see is dad continuing on in his healing of the marriage. I continue to spend all the time I can with them and they bring me such JOY! My daughter has been moving closer to me emotionally and my son continues to make me laugh- he is such a clown!
Washington D.C.My son had his 8th grade trip and I went. It was a total blast. X was envious and even tred to cause some strife for me at my church. God was my defender and I had a fabulous time with my son.
I've got stories, of course, but I'll have to save them for another time.
Hey C2
Long time no post. Thanks for the update.
ALL,
yeah, long time no post, so long I forgot how to string together a coherent update. So let me try again:
December: Explored a relationship, did not pan out (her choice, her loss
parted good friends). LEARNED valuable lessons and this experience also showed me I was ready to be open to a real realationship.
Jan- Mid Feb: Bit of a funk, exploring a relationshp was fun but felt some loss as that fledgling R moved into the platonic friendship realm. Relationship with son (14) continued to be great, relationship with daughter (16) ok but I want more. As an active teen of a divorced home, her attention is very divided and I strive to respect her desires but to show her I want to spend more time with her. I know she'll come around and she actually has done so a bit more recently.
Mid Feb - present: Explored relationship with ex girlfriend (XGF). Going through my first "dating" experience made me receptive to this experience. My time with XGF was very enjoyable but our schedules are very, very different.
XGF DID share some insights about my relationship with with my exwife (from what she could observe and pick up in the time we dated) that were EXTREMELY important. Her insights were not new but this time they resonated with me, I got it! Essentially she zeroed in on my need to have my relaitionship with my kids be directly with them. Schedules, communications etc need to be directly with them and exwife simply needs to be informed of what is going on as appropriate.
The present: XGF and I need to connect about what form our relationship is going to take. We were both exploring to see if the other was a marrital prospect and though that could be a long range possibility, the timing is not good for us, as a couple for a few of reasons. ALSO, the red flags that were raised are significant points of caution and issues to carefully examine over time.
Again, I am very, very content in my singleness and have a very full life. I have my relationship with my Lord, my kids know I will always be there for them and I am surrounded by great friends (both real and imagined
)
Life is good.
I am looking forward to catching up on what's been going on around here, already heard some of the good news about certain people. There certainly is life after the D, good life for many.
Hey, C2!!!! Glad you got around to updating and letting us know to get out our helmuts and goggles for your bike riding days.
Sounds like life is fab in C2 land and just keeps getting better.
We miss you around here. Not too many snazzy dressers like you, All and the Bulldog.
Take care and keep on kissing those froggettes!!!!
Hey C2: I've been wondering about you. Glad for the update. Just dashing out the door myself but wanted to say hi and hope things continue well for you.
Happy Spring.
Oh yeah, you're already in summer weather.
Barb
C2!!!!
My sweetpea cali buddy!!
I have missed you.
I know sometimes the whole dating/R thing is frustrating, sometimes dissapointing but I must say I love your attitude!
You know when the time is right and the right one comes along, it will all work out!
Gosh i wasnt going to start a new thread but now it feels like old times, Alls even poppin his head in a more and i do believe i saw Bulldog yesterday! A girl can change her mind!
Inst it beautiful weather?? its so nice to say that to someone without being told to F off hahahaa
Put your feet up, stay awhile
WELL,Well, Well............
Lookie who decided to grace us with his presence....I remember you! Aren't you the guy with the bike light up his butt?
C2, so great to see you here (they all come back eventually!) and to here that your life is still evolving. If relationships 1 & 2 don't work out it is because they weren't meant to. How many times do I have to repeat myself? Something better is on the way...that's a fact. Right now you're still scoping the territory, figuring out what you want or don't want. If good relationships were that easy to come by, there would be no Divorcebusting Board....maybe a "I'm so Happy I Can't Stand it Board".
Anyway, I'm just so dogon happy to see you............I know. I owe you an e-mail......okok
Love,
Bethie
Hey! C2H!!!
Long time no see!
Welcome back. So nice to see you and your life moving along.
Best wishes,
SG
Hey C2
Welcome back and good update. Not much going on from my end, still over here in the sand, going to be a grandpa in about 20days
ATL
Now watch C2 wont be back for another few months, he was just yankin our chain lol
Hey C2H!
Good to see you out and about. It seems that you have adjusted pretty well to single life, you have your priorities straight and you are even having some fun. Though I am a little concerned about those imaginary friends.
See ya!
YEAH C2!!!!
You've been missed!!!!! I guess you just had to go out and prove to yourself that no in the flesh woman could compare to all us gals here.
don't leave us again for that long.... we'll be refering to you as a WAP (walk-away-poster). Crap, that might entail a whole new catagory on the BB!!!!!
smooches, C2, glad to see you back again!
TOPIC Dating and lessons learnedJill,
Snazzy dressers, oh yeah baby, that's me. For Christmas I requested all sorts of biking apparel and customized butt lights, seasonal colors, holiday themes etc. Of course matching helmet decals were a must. (Note to Bethie, DARLING, update your reading glasses Rx, the lights go ON the butt not, err, ummm ok you get the picture not going to drag my thread down on only my third post after my sabbatical. )
Barb,
Happy Spring back at ya. I need to check on everyone's situation and get caught up.
Karen,
After only two attempts at new love, I now see why ya likely have to do a lot of frog/froggette kissing before you find THEE one! I also see why those who get comfortable in their singleness are not in such a hurry to compromise on their must have criteria.
Since I am only dating strongly committed Christian women I am fortunate that it is a given that sex is out of the question until after marriage (talk about turning the clock way back in time). This also includes foreplay and fun and games of that nature. KISSING? I can say I don't know exactly when the first kiss will be appropriate but I do know I intend to be VERY committed before this becomes a possibility.
As backward as this may seem to some (ok, probably to the majority), the huge benefit to this approach is that it seems to be easier to stay objective about the women I am dating when we have NOT introduced a higher level of physical intimacy. In the two experiences I have had so far, holding a hand to pray or giving an appropriate platonic hug is about as far as we have gone. Our judgment about prospective relationship partners has not been clouded by physical intimacy and that has NOT made the decisions to part as friends awkward. (NOTE: It is pretty cool to be excited about holding hands, I feel like a school kids at the prospect).
Bethie,
Woman of wisdom, grace and class! (by the way, how is the pole dancing going?).
I agree, I am still growing and someone really good is out there for me but all in due time. This sorting through likes and dislikes has to be experienced because intellectualizing it is one thing but living it is another. I also realize that we DO NOT have to accept what we use to accept in our marriage. The
RED FLAGS I saw in XGF were things I was stuck with in my marriage but were not things I had to accept going into a relationship. This is progress, no?
SG,
Can't wait to see what has been going on with you. Your example of perseverance and logically moving forward with your life is an example of doing what you think you should do, even when you do not feel like it. The results have to come if you do what makes sense (disclaimer: the above does not apply to situations involving WAS’s
)
ATL, (grandpa!)
When you leaving the sand box and coming back to play in the U.S. of A? (also need to check your thread to get updated)
Doc,
Checked your thread previously have to post to you there but suffice to say, we go through the different stages and gets better as we go along, it really does.
Lost,
Tis true, no real world woman could compare to the imaginary women of this board. All of you are flawless in my mind. I was unfaithful in becoming a Walk-Away-Poster (WAP). I take in from the reception I have received, that all is forgiven and I am once again home!
Like the prodigal son, I guess I just needed to wander to realize how good I had it here in the house of Michelle Weiner Davis.
Good to be back, even if not quite as frequently as before.
Newsflash:XGF is back in the picture again! Time will tell if the what I called RED FLAGS were really red or not. But, as a part of my growth, I owe it to myself to explore this friendship rather than jump ship before it even gets sailing.
(Gotta come up with a better name than XGF, something appropriate)
We connected this afternoon and spoke for about 80 minutes and I shared about the things that concerned me, things that I have been calling red flags. The conversation went extremely well because I felt like I could be totaly open and the worst thing that could happen was that we would agree that we should not pursue any kind of further relationship.
She was very, very open and apologized for some of the things which she had said that had concerned me. We talked about other things that I saw that were making me hesitate- again I felt like I had nothing to lose.
RealizationWe are the result of belief systems formulated from life's experiences and other factors, INCLUDING disolved marriages. My viewing of this new lady, through the tarnished, distorted glasses of a marriage with XW did not necesarily present an indication of what the future would be like with this new friend. Two different women and though I was alert to things that I saw as similarities, it was wrong to make assumptions until we could talk about my concerns.
Many of the things that caused concern on my part were cleared up enough that I was comfortable in continuing forward with my friend rather than having to pull back and away. We spoke again, later in the evening chatting like dear friends, something I missed in the previous days.
Reading this summary as a third party may cause one to think, "Of course they are different women" but I dated this woman for over two years and it ended badly (my fault), then months later met my future XW. I was drawn to them both when I was young and this was in my mind as well.
So enough of the "overthinking" and "paralysis of analysis" (sort of). We agreed that we are going to be very open in our interaction, including my sharing what might bother or hurt me. Years of living with a woman who basically blamed me for her disatisfaction with life conditioned me to the futility of such attempts. As of today, this woman says she is open to true communication and I have to shed my skepticism and say, "what have I got to lose?"
Oh and yes, I AM excited about the potential for a happy ending
As of today, this woman says she is open to true communication and I have to shed my skepticism and say, "what have I got to lose?"
Exactly! I think so many of us set ourselves up to fail. We decide that there are certain things that are deal breakers based on past relationships and what we know, but we may fail to share those feelings, which really is repeating the mistakes of the past. To a certain extent, we are who we are, and so are the people who we choose to include in our lives. That means we accept their imperfections, although this time we voice how certain things make us feel. People can't change what they don't know, and communication as we well know is what creates trust and intimacy.
Red flags, after what we've been through? Maybe we look to hard for them, and then fail to voice our concerns. Here we go again!
Love,
Bethie
Bethie,
What's the saying? "Once burned, twice shy?" The problem with this thinking in interpersonal relationships is that the new person is NOT the person who burned us, right?
Of course, in my situation, I did have a realtionship with her long ago, in a galaxy far far away but neither of us is the same person we were 20 plus years ago. We are different not primarily because of the wisdom gained with the years but because of the transforming power of Jesus Christ.
(Side bar: my X proported to lived the life of a Christian but one would have to wonder if Jesus was her true Lord and the bible her ultimate guiding authority? If they were, how could she walk away from her promises to God? Her decisions and actions are between her and God and I am so glad for the healing and forgiveness I have experienced yet I see the need for MORE healing as I move forwad with my life.)
Red flags, after what we've been through? Maybe we look to hard for them, and then fail to voice our concerns. Here we go again!
I think you make a great point. Also, I think when we begin a potential relationship, we do try to figure out why this person has never married or why they are divorced, don't we? The other thing is, speaking for myself, I think I was too ready to call a flag a
RED flag rather than seeing it a
YELLOW, something to take note of and explore. Is it something to look for more yellows (a pattern) or even red flags? Or, does clarification make it green, a move forward sign?
Reminds me about the saying that has something to do with life being not getting to a destination but the journey getting there. So, the journey continues.
C2
This is great!
Maybe you just needed to clear the air a bit, its great to be able to open up and not be afraid of talking to someone about what is bothering you, Early in my R w/ B, this came up w/ me and I had to tell him to slow down and I was more hesitant, it didnt scare him away at all, he heard me and did all he could to make me feel better. I do think thats what your "gf" is doing
Soooo it dosnt mean you are going to leave us again are you???
I admit if B lived closer or was here , I'd prob not be here as much, but I sure would not like you to leave, I mean I can email you butttt- ya know we all want to know whats going on in our fav CA boys life
Keep us posted C2!!!
Naw, Karen,
Not leaving again any time soon, this place is too much fun AND full of wisdom that often seems so timely.
I think I just needed to get it through my head that this is a NEW relationship (although it is a new, old relationship). She is very aware that I bring this baggage (the D) that I am shedding into this new devleloping friendship. It is funny because I was concerned about what baggage the woman would bring into a relationship and here I am learning that I need to trust, be "vulnerable," need to take risks. (I am very much getting in touch with my feminine side LOL!!!!)
She and I have one added, powerful support in that we pray together. As was about to go through my laundry list of concerns yesterday, I let her know I wanted to pray before I shared what I had on my heart. We did pray for a things like a clarity of communication, proctecting our hearts, forgiveness of hurt etc and then I opened up. The conversation went well, very well.
We have previously been open about many things from our shared ancient past and our lives since we last saw each other. This latest step of being open on a deeper level, sharing how I was looking at some of her actions, comments, how I interpretted them and how they hurt and concerned me was very important, VERY.
Later in the evening, we talked some more about these real and important issues. She started to indicate that she would be careful about what and how she said things but as she started to say these things, I interjected and told her I thought a better approach was to say what is on her mind freely and if something offends me, to lovingly share that rather than either of us getting into the habbit of thinking we have to watch everything we say. I lived that way for too long and it stifles and kills communication. I was starting to think I was entering into the same kind of relationship BUT this is a different person. She very much appreciated my approach.
So, the air is clear and the lines are open to really be truthful. Sounds like a good foundation for a relationship, doesn't it?
It absolutley does!! good for you guys!
C2,
I'm not sure if you mentioned this already or not but has she never married? No kids?? You talk about someone accepting your baggage so I guess that's where I am confused.
Oh and the femine side, well you know they say that a man isn't fully evolved until he embraces his femine side. I suggest that really work on this. We women want our men to go to chick flicks and cry along with us. Actually I'm teasing, but in all of the self-help books that I've read (and Lord knows there were way too many to count), this was the biggest thing that popped out at me. My ex was so uncomfortable showing any type of emotion that that should have been a red flag...but who knew? I hadn't yet spent all of my extra money and waking hours in the self-help section of B&N. Let's just say I'm way more testosterone savy than I was during my marriage. I'll make some catch huh?
Some of the other things that you can try and usually work with us chicks is a foot rub, back rub, facials, a home cooked meal, our laundry and dry cleaning taken care of, our car washed, flowers and jewelry, oh and pie. Yeah that's the ticket!
Bethie,
Taking note of all that touchie feely stuff. Actually did most of it trying to win over the shrew but it didn't work. The couple of things I have already done for and with New ExGirl Friend with Yet To Be Determined Term of Endearment (NXGFYTBDTE- hmmm doesn't quite work does it, lol!) have been very much appreciated, very much.
As for her background, she married VERY young, before we dated and they had a son together who is now grown. She had a long term relationship after she and I broke up. She became a Christian well into this relationship and continued in it afterwards but they eventually they went their separate ways. A friendship continued but that had to be distanced as well because they fell into the old dynamics of boyfriend girlfriend patterns, they weren't together but when they saw each other, he acted like they were a couple and she oddly felt some of the same pull.
Her ex husband lives in another state and has not been in her life at all. Recently he came to visit his son and the two parents met and had a clearing of the air which I encouraged her to do, relating my experience with X and her husband.
She is very content in her singleness and has only recently been receptive to entertaining the thought of a God centered relationship maybe leading to marriage. Then you know who discos his way back into the picture (again, we met at my friend's party, someone she did not know but briefly attended because of a friend of a friend).
This whole thing is pretty unusual when you look at it from a bit of a distance but, like I said above, I am just going to enjoy the journey.
i spit pop on my screen when I read that part about the shrew...
I have nothing of value to add but wanted to share that experience with you
Then you know who discos his way back into the picture
You weren't wearing that white suite and chains were you? What about the Brooklyn accent? Man, you shouldn't still be be telling chicks that you have a Saturday Night Fever. That may have worked in the 70's but that's been done. Stick a fork in it. I'm working on new lines for you.
(fig's a Shakespear freak so the word SHREW always makes her laugh!)
shrew.....heheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Oh? Shakespeare?
Then she'll love this as I think about the X.
"Double, double toil and trouble..."
Of course, I have forgiven X, really, I have.
Now dear Bethie, I wasn't wearing the white suit nor the chains nor the platforms, all are saved for a special occasion, say, hmmm a wedding?
As for lines, none were needed, I had her at "hello." Either that or at the blank stare I gave her when she said, "C2H, it's me, NXGFYTBDTE!"
You know, you see someone whom you haven't seen for over 20 years, someone you rarely think about because it was bad history, at a place you Never expect to see the person you are not thinking about anyway?
It was pretty much the most dumbfounded stare I could have given, yep. That is what endeared her to me immediately. LOL
As for lines, none were needed, I had her at "hello."
You know, you see someone whom you haven't seen for over 20 years, someone you rarely think about because it was bad history, at a place you Never expect to see the person you are not thinking about anyway?
As for lines, none were needed, I had her at "hello."
I think I'm going to PUKE!!!!!
Please do so on the side of the thread!
HELLO....this happened to me. I wanted to run but instead I froze. Talk about uncomfortable. He gave me the same wet, sloppy kiss, turnoff of a kiss I got from him at 19. Guess he hasn't learned NOTHIN'!
A prince this frog was not.
Yep, a blast from the past is...wierd.
Oh my!!! Shrews, sloppy kisses, disco balls and frogs???
Okey dokey.......
Now about me!!! OK, still having these stupid dizzy spells and they're annoying the hell out of me. I'm too busy for this stuff. Today, my boss was talking to me and I just held my hand up and said I have to put my head down. CRIMANY!!!
And.....X has decided to countersue me and claim he owes me NOTHING!!! Whatever!!! I have a paper in his handwriting that shows exactly what he paid, what he deducted for D23, when he quit paying, etc. Good luck bud!!!
And.....my Dad is, once again, not doing well. My Mom says he sleeps all the time and has lost 6 lbs in the last week. This is scarey since I'm leaving for my vacation in 10 days. My Mom is so scared and sad. It breaks my heart.
And.....my D23 is stressed over school and money, depressed about my Dad, overworked and tired.
I keep telling myself that all of this stuff going on along with selling my house and losing a lot of money has nothing to do with my dizzy spells. I'm not stressed. I'm OK. I can handle it. yada yada yada.
OK, I'M STRESSED!!!!
OK, I now know that I've totally lost it!!! I thought I was posting on my thread when I had my little pity party/rant.
Sorry, C2
party on my thread anytime you want Jill, "pity" or otherwise.
Hey C2H,
I posted to you on Karen's thread. I was wondering where you were. Glad your back.
Talk soon........
Yep Friend, you found me!!!!!!!
Appreciate your advice about enjoying the experience of the new R. If anything, I have made a new friend out of an estranged relationship. This fall under the category of God being able to "Make All Things New!"
Also, I shared above (I think) that this woman has really been helpful in showing me some things about my relationship with my X. Lots of good stuff has happenened already, regardless or what form the relationship eventually takes.
So, I am a happy camper.
Your right C2...........
Everyone who crosses our path leaves us with something we didn't have or know before.
For instance, Kev left me tube socks. Al left me his thong and you left shining your light on me (you know what light I'm talking about!)
Bethie,
Truer words were never spoken. Our X's left us with things too but these are sunny days (figuratively speaking) so we won't drag this thread down.
You known, now that you mention it, you have a whole esemble with what we guys have left you, although I am not quite sure how you are going to wear the tube sock but, I'll leave that for you to figure out...not gone touch that one with any size pole (dancing or other).
Committed2Him]Bethie,
Truer words were never spoken. Our X's left us with things too but these are sunny days (figuratively speaking) so we won't drag this thread down.
Do you mean that your ex left you with something social and contagious?
Do you mean that your ex left you with something social and contagious?
Thank God, NO!
Remember, when I confronted them, they stated "oh, C2H, we have respected the marrital vows, we have not crossed any inappropriate line..." I am laughing so hard as I type these words, what a mega load of elephant dung!!!!!
No my dear, our X's usually left us things like the
wagon wheel from that scene in "When Harry met Sally." (no not the fake orgasm scene gutter minds). The scene where Debbie Fishcer is moving in with Billy Crystal's best friend, Billy Crystal is heart broken and goes on a tirade how they are eventually gonna fight over the guy's ugly wagon wheel coffee table when they eventually break up. Hilarious!!!! (the best line comes at the end of the tirade when Debbie Fisher lovingly tells her new live in boyfriend, "I will never want that ugly wagon wheel")
HAHAHA ....do you mean Carrie Fischer ? Do you remember, "waiter, there is too much pepper on my parikash"?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH elephant dung..........I'll take a nice big heapin' helpin'!
I like the line in Young Guns
"The bad news is, we're serving horse $h!t for dinner,,, the good news is, there's tons of it!"
Bethie,
You known, now that you mention it, you have a whole esemble with what we guys have left you, although I am not quite sure how you are going to wear the tube sock but, I'll leave that for you to figure out...not gone touch that one with any size pole (dancing or other).
Why C2, she isn't going to wear the tube sock, silly.... But it would seem the perfect fit to carry her portable pole....
Well, well, well, ............
She lives!
Yep.... I just seem to pop in every now and then, leave a little wisea$$ comment, and pop out again.
Sorry.... don't know what my problem is. I just can't seem to muster up any substance in my conversations these days....
LNF, your wisea$$ comments are welcome here any time and yes, the tube sock would be perfect for he pole (after all, she does travel with it).
Let's see... HAPPY FRIDAY!!!
I have the day to play with my son, about to go pick him up and be guys together!!! Tonight I have a meeting at church where the pastor shares his heart with those who faithfully serve in ministry. It is a gathering of those people who are involved and not really open to the congregation (anyone who serves in any capacity is invited). These are quarterly gatherings and they are opened with wonderful worship and praise. Some of my closest and dearest friends will be there as well as long time friends who attend different services or are busy being married etc. We have over 3,000 families in our church but like in any group or organization, only a minority are really involved.
Tomorrow I meet with my men's accountablity group as I do almost every Saturday (6a.m.), take my son to play basketball and then maybe a final four party at my house with brothers from church. My lady friend may be going out of town but if her plans cancel I may plan the afternoon with her instead of having the guys over (how is that for loyalty?). I see the guys VERY regularly at church but time with my friend is hard to come by at this stage of our relationship. If and as it gets more serrious, we will rearrange our priorities and make our schedules conform a bit more. (so, though she has the option to decline the out of town trip, I don't expect her to and want her to enjoy the experience if it is available to her).
This is not my weekend with the kids but I take them to church every sunday so I have some time with them but I also have free time for myself.
Oh, and the weather is GORGEOUS!!!!
I love my life
Oh, last night I heard an older song whose lyrics really reesounded with me. Everyone knows the disco "I will survive" song and this one is along that line but less popular and sooo beautiful in it's message of resolve to rebound from lost love.
From Now On (Basia live on Broadway track 5) Once upon a time it was for real
Nothing mattered---then we were together
And I couldn't ask for more
My dream came true
You were nearest to my heart
I can't make you love me anymore
Nothing matters now when you are gone
Tried so many times before
Only now I understand
We never felt the same
But I don't mind
I don't mind
A better combination won't be hard to find
I've got to learn to walk again
It's so new---being free
Start the life of different kind
No more us
From now on it's---me
I know this empty room too well
I've got to plan my new life's resolutions
First of all I show you how I can survive
I never knew that I could laugh like this
So I don't mind
I don't mind
A better combination won't be hard to find
I've got to learn to walk again
It's so new---being free
Start the life of different kind
No more us
From now on it's---me
I don't mind (x16)
I've Got to learn to walk again
It's so new---being free
Start the life of different kind
No more us
From now on it's---me
Once upon a time it was for real
Nothing mattered then we were together
You were nearest to my heart
Only now I understand
We never felt the same
I don't mind,I don't mind,I don't mind
I don't mind,I don't mind,I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind,I don't mind,I don't mind
C2,
I don't remember ever hearing that before or if I had I didn't really pay attention to the message. It's sad though, isn't it?
Well you sure sound as if you have a full weekend ahead of you with lots of possibilities. You've really turned into a social butterfly. (Look Jill and K, our littler caterpillar has turned into a butterfly) Be nice or we'll tear your wings off!!!!!!
Isn't it about time for LNF to come out of the woodwork and say something snotty about me? She's always an insult away!
Bethie,
The Artist (Basia) is one you would hear on the formatted "smooth jazz" stations now popping up around the country. She was popular in the late 80's and early 90's and I had her live CD and enjoyed it. The above song was one I had heard dozens of times without really listening to the words. Last night I just really listened and said, to my self...
"I don't mind, I don't mind, a better combination won't be hard to find..."
Social butterfly? Well, ummm, I am just as busy as I was when X split but only now, there is the occasional get together with someone who might make a "better combination" with me than you know who.
Social butterfly? Well, ummm, I am just as busy as I was when X split but only now, there is the occasional get together with someone who might make a "better combination" with me than you know who.
Oh come on. You're not talking about who I think you're talking about. Her fooling around and remarriage were only minor setbacks, right? HAHA
I'll have to look Basia up. I've thrown caution to the wind this week and have downloaded my ipod list and bought some songs for my phone. I'm trying to get into some different artists so this may be something that I'm interested in.
So what were you up to today? You were awol for a long stretch this afternoon!
Hey Bethie,
You've got mail (again
).
Yeah, I slipped away from the boards to go shoot hoops with my son and then taxi my daughter around. Turns out she has a prom tomorrow that I didn't know about. Mom never told me but I don't blame her because I really want to know what's going on directly from my daughter.
So tomorrow I get to watch my little girl go off to her first prom
The kids will be leaving from the boy's house which is kind of odd but I am glad it is there rather than at her mom's. I met the parents recently and i like them. Her "boyfirend" is a really nice kid who also started attending our church in the last few months. So I have been around him a number of times. We dad's are never really ready to see our daughters grow up but it is happening and I am as ok with it as I could be and the boy passes inspection so far.
Life keeps moving along...
Thought about starting a new thread but this one continues the "story" so here goes:
First things first, I post this song because, well, this is me and I so share what is the source of my strength and survival with my friends:
Yet I Will Praise (Disc 2, track 3)
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord
And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You
Even when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord
And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here nowSo here it comes... my R is over!It is too late in the night for a long explanation but I am very much at peace with the situation. Funny thing is last week I spoke with this lady friend and shared a list of concerns I had. Maybe she experienced a sense rejection and that caused her to instinctively resist my backing away BUT less than a week later, she is the one backing away.
I learned some good lessons through this short "almost R." ALSO, on top of the lessons, an old girlfriend and I reconciled a bad ending to a serious R from our youth. We are each very happy that the other has found peace in the Lord and are very active in church.
Further reflection will shed more light on the learned lessons but I can say this... I praise my God in the good times and in the bad times. Strangely enough, this is not a bad time at all. I wish her well.
WOW!!! C2, I'm sure that the reason this happened is because God has a better plan for you. I'm glad you're taking it so well and there's a couple more hundred frogs for you to kiss. Better get started!!!! The faster you kiss em the sooner you'll find your princess.
Oh come on spill. We want all the gorey details. Dirt, we ant dirt!
Hi C2,
You do sound as if you have found peace. That's a really good thing. I's all a learning experience. By the time the right "Frogette" comes along you'll be a pro!
Love,
Bethie
In the light of day, I feel even better than last night. Why?
My list of concerns was real and substantive BUT our conversation (one week ago today), mostly her talking through those concerns so I moved ahead asking God to be clear on what His plans for me were with this woman, my sister in our faith in Christ.
So, her communication makes it pretty clear, big read stop sign!
Taking a step back to assess the lessons learned and to appreciate what was good I come up with this:
-There was healing from our past.
-I was reminded of some of my past behaviors I would rather forget BUT it draws me into a greater appreciations of what a gracious, forgiving God I serve.
-I finally got it that I needed to move my X out of the communication process with my kids EVEN MORE.
-my relationship with my kids is with them and she and I only need to have cordial communication about some of the details
-In my communication with NEW lady friends, I MUST REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT MY X!
-New relationships are built on their own foundations and communication and understanding with each person has it's own unique dynamics
-Risk not, gain not.I was a little hurt about how she handled certain parts of the R she was responsible for but there is grace and forgiveness because neither of us is perfect and I don't see her actions as being malicious at all (a bit inconsiderate of my feelings but I’ve had my feelings trampled on and betrayed through the D so this little hurt is forgiven and history).
More importantly I was hurt by something else that took place and there is a lesson here as well.
One of her concerns was whether or not I was ready to be in an R, was I sufficiently healed and over my X. I think you all know I am SOOOOO over her, even more than that dude is over Sarah Marshall.
I expressed this to my lady friend in a couple of different ways and on several different occasions. The thing of concern to me is that she really didn't believe it in her heart- TRUST issue. BIG RED FLAG
In an R, concerns need to be resolved together, right? With her concerns about my X in her mind, she met some people from my church who knew me and my X. In essence, these people supposedly knew me and my X well enough to say some thing about our marriage as well as my current state of recovery and healing.
The sad thing is, this really would have come from my X because I didn't share the marital trouble with but a handful of guys, we never got real detailed about it and none of these guys (or maybe their wives) really is involved in my life in an intimate way to know one tenth of the things the people here on the board know. They are not in my men's group that meets every Saturday morning at 6 a.m., the men who have carried my burdens with me, prayed with me and REALLY know what’s going on in my life.
This dialogue really falls more under the category of gossip.
I am sad that my lady friend gave it much weight to it but it exposes something about her. I aired my concerns to her and was willing to listen. She had her concerns and made up her mind before we spoke last night. I am also disappointed that someone who supposedly knows me would open up as it sounds like they did without really knowing the facts.
More lessons but I need to go meet one of my dear brothers.
I have learned so much, again and I am in a VERY good place.
As for the songs I posted, I first think of and sing the Yet I will praise you songe because I praise God, even for this experience.
THEN I sing the BASIA song because it is so upbeat. There IS a better combination for me out there and, I don't mind, I don't mind...
So, it is 5pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend!"
Ok, I know, "patience, patience..."
So, it is 5:03pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend....." LOL!
So, it is 5pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend!" Ok, I know, "patience, patience..."
So, it is 5:03pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend....." LOL!
_________________________
I am sorry it didnt work out w/ almost GF - and here I felt sure about it, but like Jill said, God has another plan for you, YOU know that.
It seems there may of been some issues there and they were not going away any time soon.
Sooo, whats your plans now? Going to look full steam ahead? or keep an eye out?
Timing, as we know.
You are searching for a partner and I am searching for a kitty/ young cat, and I think when they are both ready to come into our lives, they will lol
((( C2)))
Karen,
A learning experience indeed!
My plan is to stay on the course I was headed before, full steam ahead for the things of God. My calendar is full with things happening around the church.
There are also plenty of women in my church and more coming all the time. (I started attending when it was a small mid week bible study of 40 to 50 people and in 15 years, it has grown to maybe 2,000 adults attending on any given weekend). I know my "match" could very well be attending my church right now but I do not feel the need to become so visible that I search out all the potential prospects and start inspecting them for suitability. I could join different ministries to do such a "search" but my motives for serving in these other ministries would be wrong so this is not an option. God has placed certain desires in my heart as to how He wants me to serve Him so I am being obedient to those callings. (Let me also demonstrate I am no perfected saint either, the thought did cross my mind of joining other minstries at the church for such exposure but I did not act on it.)
I do not exclude meeting someone outside the church or maybe actively exploring some dating sites or proactively going to events where I will might find women who are like minded in essential areas. However, at this time, I am content to sit tight and let God bring someone to me without actively going out to look. This is the reason why I did explore an R with this last almost girlfriend. It was so odd to be brought together that I felt like I had to check it out.
Through our time together, as mentioned above, a number of important things took place and I did express my appreciation of this reality to my almost girlfriend.
So, I chug along in my singleness, content, not actively seeking, but not walking around with my eyes closed to potential R prospects. I think this is a good place to be for now.
C2,
I have always believed and still do that it's when we least expect it that someone comes into our lives. You said yourself that you got something out of the experience, right? That's a great thing. With every relationship we can learn more about ourselves, where we are, and where we want to be.
Patience is a virtue but also a very smart way to keep ourselves from getting into the wrong relationship yet again!
I'm going to go check my e-mail right now! I have been sooooooooooo busy at work!
Love,
Bethie
I have always believed and still do that it's when we least expect it that someone comes into our lives
Yep!
And yes, I did learn quite a bit in a short period of time AND we did have fun, talking (when there wasn't miscommunication) and the several times we got together in person.
Hmmm, "patience" yes, patience indeed. Thanks for your valued pearls of wisdom.
So, it is 5pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend!"
Ok, I know, "patience, patience..."
So, it is 5:03pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend....." LOL!
Ummmm, C2, if you're sitting at home on your puter, I'm doubting you'll meet anyone. Maybe you should call for a pizza? Pizza girl could be your soul mate. Just a "very well thought out" suggestion........
Or....perhaps, an Avon rep?
Or.....how bout trying out for "The Bachelor?"
Hey!!!! I'm just trying to help.
C2H,
I see you handled things pretty well even though they didn't turn out so good. At least you learned some lessons and I think the most important one is that you trusted the Lord above all else.
Take care and God bless.
doc,
I learned SO much and have had the decision to let it go was confirmed afterwards in a number of different ways. I am very much at peace with not being in that relationship and am very thankful for what insights this woman shared with me. I also wish her all the happiness in the world.
(Note: For anyone not closely following the thread, I first had major concerns, we talked and I decided to move forward witht the R but one week later she wanted to back away, yet still continue contact though she could commit to what form or what the relationship would look like. For a number of reasons, I felt it better to cut contact pretty much altogether although I am not adverse to contact down the road as PURELY acquaintances or casual friends)
So, now I continue on, keeping busy about my Father's business which gives me immeasureable joy. I continue to be fully involved in my kids life and I love it. My R with my 14 y/o son is GREAT and my R with my 16 y/o daughter keeps improving. Undeniably, she knows I love her unconditionally but her schedule and not living in my house creates a challenge to getting together as often as I would like but we make the best of it.
I am also less tweaked by the day to day aftermath of the D as it relates to me being lik an "outsider" in my kids day to day "family life." Mr. X lives with them but I will always be their daddy and their father. A number of events have come up and will be coming up (such as my daughter's recent prom and some upcoming sports banquets) where all of us are present. Last year, such events tore my heart out. Now, I go and I am hugging and loving my kids as if Mr. X was not even there. It is not that I ignore him because we make small talk but I do not change who I am because it is an odd situation. My comfort level allows my kids to feel at ease, something I long ago set as the goal.
So, life is good and i anticipate one day finding a good woman who will eventually become Mrs. C2H, all in due time, actually, all in "His timing." And when it happens, it will be noted on the boards so that others will know there is definitely life after the D and we are not merely Surviving, but THRIVING!
So, it is 5pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend!"
Ok, I know, "patience, patience..."
So, it is 5:03pm Pacific Standard Time and I still don't have a new "girlfriend....." LOL!
Ummmm, C2, if you're sitting at home on your puter, I'm doubting you'll meet anyone. Maybe you should call for a pizza? Pizza girl could be your soul mate. Just a "very well thought out" suggestion........
Or....perhaps, an Avon rep?
Or.....how bout trying out for "The Bachelor?"
Hey!!!! I'm just trying to help.
I heard that grocery shopping is the hot ticket for meeting new people these days.
I heard that grocery shopping is the hot ticket for meeting new people these days.
Does that work on the farm? Don't you grow everything you need?
Oh, Oh, I know! I can host a Cookie Lee party!
C2,
Maybe you're overthinking this. I know I've said it before, but it will happen when it happens, and probably when you least expect it. Which will make it all the more amazing. I'd put all of my energy where it would do you the most good and the payoff will be the greatest, in your faith and your children.
As far as your daughter goes, well she is on her own path at this point in her life. It doesn't mean that she doesn't miss you as well, but her social life and her friends take priority at this point. Teenagers are selfish. They tend to take for granted that we are there and always will be. They know that they don't have to work for our love or attention unlike with other relationships. The good news is that they come back to us.
Your daughter will always be your "little girl" and nothing or no one can ever change that!
Have a great weekend!
Love,
Bethie
Bethie,
LOVE YA!!
Your comments about my daughter resonate what I believe AND it is always good to have it confirmed by insightful friends such as yourself. Thank you.
Now about the overthinking it comment, I AM JOKING!!!! LOL! not worried about finding "Ms. Right" at all. I am VERY content in my singleness. (I am like the little train that could, "I think I am, I think I am, I think..."
)
Last night I was at a meeting at church about being an "Exemplary Husband" GREAT book we are going through, second time through it and last time was VERY challenging. Mostly married guys (some marriages on the brink), some engaged guys and others like myself just preparing for the future.
So this one guy is taling about how he is following the Lord (new believer, God is showing him his mistakes from the past). He says about his wife I, "I love her, I made mistakes, I want to do what's right but if she chooses she doen't want me, then some other lady is going to get lucky."
We all chuckled at this basic truth and told him he was correct in his thinking (it just sounded funny when he said it). Around here, we all do the best we can to "save" a marriage and many go WAY above and beyond what is required. When we finally heal, we find that sooooooo many have found someone else and that someone else is the one who gets lucky (to find us).
HAPPY FRIDAY to ALL! (I mean everyon, not just "ALL")(now excuse me, I have to go find a Cookie Lee rep to set up my party)
Oh, and I could stand to lose a few pounds I might as well join weight watchers cuz I hear there are sometimes single women gettin' ready for Mr. Right
there is a class for people who are looking to get married at the church I joined too
and the pastor is a stitch!!!
I can't wait until I am ready to go to that
I didn't go in my other marriages so I am thinking this time will be the time to go!!!
(hopeless romantic huh...there has to be a lucky number 3!!!)
i've met the best people in ice cream places!!!
super funny
and relaxed!!!
i mean
jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepers
they're eating ice cream!!!
Sounds like a plan fig, adding Ice cream joint to my list!
sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
Around here, we all do the best we can to "save" a marriage and many go WAY above and beyond what is required. When we finally heal, we find that sooooooo many have found someone else and that someone else is the one who gets lucky (to find us).
Boy, isn't that the truth. We become better people thinking that our spouses will sit up and take notice, only to realize that we weren't that bad to begin with. The changes we make on our journey are for us and end up making us better, but they really are or should be for us. If we're smart about what we've learned, and take our time, someone will be lucky to get the person that we've become!
Love,
Bethie
Quick entry of appreciation and recognition of growth.
Friday night my kids had plans: Son, to go paintballing and daughter, a sports banquet at school. She said it was no big deal, she is a junior and so we figured the good one would be next year. X and Mr. X were going so I passed and went to a prayer meeting at church for an upcoming missions trip I am praying about participating in.
SURPRISE- X texts during my meeting letting me know D won "best teammate" award and was named co-captain for next year! I was happy but also a bit resentful. Truthfully, one of the reasons I chose not to go was that I didn't feel like spending a night of small talk with X and her hubby. In this case, it was my loss.
PROGRESS- I did not stew in my resentment and got back to focusing on the prayer meeting which I was glad I attended. When my D came home I was able to talk to her, congratulate her and just pour my love out to her. She was so happy and did not resent that I had not attended, everything caught her by surprise.
Saturday I hosted my men's morning accountability meeting which has been the backbone of my growth and it was nurturing as usual. My kids were with me from late Friday night and the guys reminded me that my kids witnessing this faithfulness to grow in my walk with God shows them their dad is focused on what is important.
I love having my kids in the house, even when they are sleeping as they are now. To have them wake up, to feed them, watch them do their homework (h.s. daughter) as I am doing something else blesses me.
"BACHELOR" PARTY- One of my best friends is getting married and so we had a gathering for him. Before I get to the juicy details, here is some info on him because I have posted about him before.
Former drug user and "vendor," he surendered his life to Jesus Christ a few years ago and God REALLY started moving in his life just under two years ago. He and I met for the first time at a prayer meeting for things ranging for local to national needs as well as for our church and serving the community.
I watched him give up a relationship the woman had a life changing encounter with the Lord and she needed to see if she could revive an old relationship with the father of her child. It was the right thing to do even though her relationship with the father was over before my friend came into the picture.
I served with him on two different missions trips and witnessed his passion for helping the poor. He was a friend whenever I needed him and visa versa.
I watched half way around the world in Romania how a woman from our church realized she was falling for him. Soon after returning home, they were engaged.
The "Party"- It began with songs of worship and praise to God. Then one by one, 16 guys shared how this man exemplified what it was to pursue the things of God and to live a life of character and integrity. As each spoke, there were a number of occasions when tears were shed and voices quivered. It was a very special time. (In case you haven't guessed, no booze and no women)
Following the first part of the evening, we caravaned to the Dodger game on a perfect eveing for baseball and enjoyed hot dogs, peanuts and the game.
We all returned home safely and early enough to rest to go to church tomorrow and also serve in the various ministries where God has placed us.
After I got home, my kids came home (one was with his big brother and the other was with her best girlfriend). I was able to share about "The Bachelor Party" and tell them how special it was.
Final ObservationI have witnessed first hand how God has met and surpassed my frined's wildest dreams because of his obedience to the Lord. Just a few years ago, this is a man none of us here on the board would really want to associate with. Yet, God changed him and is still working on him.
In three weeks he will be getting married to an awesome woman (not perfect but equally passionate about the things of God). For me, I know that God's plan is better than my best plans I could ever imagine or scheme up.
I am in such good hands, God's hands. And yes, I very much love my life.
What are you doing way over here ??
The party sounded wonderful C2, what a great BF you are, and your friend sounds pretty amazing too, his life seems to have really changed, and I can imagine you are very proud of him.
Congrats on your D being named co cpt! I understand you being resentful, but you will be there to watch her next year- and I am sure thats important to her.
Did you survive our mini heat wave? There was no relief at the beach even!
Ok this should get you back on page 1 where you belong!!!
Wedding Planner
I mentioned my friend is getting married but did not mention I am his wedding "planner/coordinator." I suggested he needed someone for logistics and to be a point person the day of the wedding and so he asked me to do it. It is my pleasure to assist him but it also caused me some challenges. To be so closely connected to a wedding stirs up some resentment towards my X.
Exemplary Husband Class
Last year I caught the second half of this class so this year I decided to participate in it from the start (I mentioned the class in an above post). It is challenging to sit through the class and do the studies because it causes me to think about my marriage. The focus of the class is about being a good Christian husband and in order to do so, one has to continue seeking to be more like Christ in their life. The later premiss is reason enough for me to participate, even though it stirs up resentment at times.
Spiritual Warfare & Progress re my X
When a person commits to serve God more fervently, they come under attack. It is real and it comes as no surprise to one who has served God in the past. I committed to serve on an upcoming missions trip in a few weeks and quickly came under attack by my X (she is unaware that I am going away for 9 days but she will blow a fuse when I tell her in the next week or so).
Progress - Paintball incident
I was going to taxi my son and his friend to paintball but X insisted I needed to stay with him (I had another commitment). I changed my decision and told her I was going to stay but she continued ranting at which point I told her, "I already said I am going to stay, the discussion is over." A few minutes later, I sent her an email and apologized for being abrupt after which she sent me an email attacking me and calling me selfish. I CHOSE NOT TO RESPOND. I thought I did well but then she sent another email FURTHER ATTACKING ME!
In the past I would get angry and start defending myself. I also would be so strongly tempted to pull the ultimate trump card and start attacking her for her selfish desire to commit adultery and destroy our home! Instead, I called a brother from church, prayed and we even prayed for her. I let the incident go. I think it has been a few months since she went off like this and if it becomes a pattern, I will address it.
Lesson Learned
I can not open her eyes to the harm she had done by abandoning the marriage and defending myself to her NEVER does any good. ALSO, I do see the timing of her barrage as directly tied to my decision to go on my missions trip even though she is unaware that I am going. When she starts poking at me, I just need to disengage and let her swing at the air. I have better things to do with my emotions.
Missions trip - Hawaii???
Huh? Yeah, gonna suffer for my Lord in Hawaii for 9 days starting the second week of May unless my plans change. My other trips have been uncomfortable but worth it (one trip we traveled by van for 14 hours through Mexico and another trip we worked construction through Romania's worst heat wave in decades). This trip is to assist with outreaches a pastor does for the homeless on the big island. The cost of living is high and many people live in shelters and on the beaches. A team went from our church in the winter but I could not go but believe the Lord is directing me to go on this trip. Whenever I go on a trip, I come back deeply affected and so appreciative of what I have and I anticipate this trip will be no different.
I also anticipate challenges between now and then because I have put the bull's-eye target on my back. I have stood up and said, "here I am Lord, send me" and when that happens, the spiritual warfare battle is on. Stay tuned...
I just don't "get" why she is annoyed with you spending time on church related activities. How does this inconvenience her or your kids? Have the kids expressed anything regarding the amount of time you spend with them vs church activities? If they have, then it's a problem. If not, why does she think it's a problem? Have you discussed it with your kids?
You're a much kinder and more patient man that I could ever be. I'd wanna whallop her one!!!
C2,
It sounds to me as if she is still making you pay, and it really doesn't matter what you do or don't do, it will always be wrong.
Maybe for her it's a constant fight with her demons. Being as devout a Christian as she once was, maybe dealing with you is her way od dealing with the guilt. It doesn't really matter how many times you have said that you foregive her, maybe she can't excuse herself. Possibly she doesn't even realize this conflict only that she is feeling judged because she judges herself.
Anyway, you know that it's not you. You know that you've done as much as 1 person can do to make this situation as amicable as possible. Sometimes though, don't you feel as if you're being tested?
So Hawaii huh? How would one sign up for that gig?
Love,
Bethie
So Hawaii huh? How would one sign up for that gig?
Love,
Bethie
What... are you considering trading your tassels for coconut cups?
So Hawaii huh? How would one sign up for that gig?
Love,
Bethie
What... are you considering trading your tassels for coconut cups?
Ah No, actually I was going to sign you up. Oh and don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!
C2,
What's done is done.... she chose her path, forcing you to forge a new one. If she has a problem with it then ...well... it's her problem.
You are doing wonderfully... don't let her make you second guess anything even for a second.
If you can pole dance, you can hula, right?
Jill
Church conflicting with the kids?Around 18 months ago, there were some Saturdays (my weekends) where I had some obligations at the church or spent part of three mornings at a Guitar class (also at the church). X made her exaggerated accusations; I spoke with the kids and then stopped participating in things if they took me away from the kids on MY weekends. Most of my other activities take place in the evenings when the kids are with their mom so her accusations are unfounded.
X also looks at my long desired trip to Israel and my mission's trips to Romania and Mexico as selfish excursions away from the kids but all of these trips were while school was in session and at most, I missed a weekend with them. My kids were excited for me because they saw how excited I was to serve and to give.
Really, I think her tirades are her efforts to control my life, seeking to make the situation she created impose less guilt on her. She made the mess, she has to deal with the emotional consequences.
By the way, do you hire out your walloping services?
SG,
Nice to see ya! As you can see, I am in a good place and actually have a lot less drama in my life than many so life is good. I have said it before but it is worth repeating, this board and the people on it have been a godsend. So many of us owe Michele our deepest thanks for her work and for keeping the board open for a forum such as this.
Let Michele know even us looney tunes on this threads still gain needed help because of her efforts!
Bethie,
Lots of truth to what you said. I know X does not have the peace she once did when we were active as a couple in our church. As you suggested, she has to feel guilty at times and must be wrestling with her demons as well.
I ended our conversation on Friday while she still wanted to vent about "what a bad dad C2H is."
Fortunately, I no longer have to listen to her vent her nonsense. I am sure that is part of why she fired off the angry emails AFTER I apologized to her. Not responding to her rabid frothing likely infuriated her more but that is her problem, not mine.
She wants me to be available to fit into slots that are left over from her life with the kids, she still wants me to do things her way. I am with my son all the time but spending time with my daughter is the challenge because her life is so busy with athletics, her groups of friends from school and church plus a boyfriend. I do my best and my daughter knows I am available to her (track season is ending soon so I know we are going to get more time together
)
I listen to Christian radio regularly and a message aired this morning about King David having to deal with the aftermath of his murder of Bathsheba's husband and his adultery with her. God will still love us after we do the most heinous of things if we sincerely repent BUT we still have to deal with the repercussions of those actions. I thought about X as I was listening to the message and felt compassion for her. The pastor quoted from Psalm 32, written by King David
Psalms 32:1-4
A Psalm of David. A Contemplation. Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, And in whose spirit there is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones grew old Through my groaning all the day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was turned into the drought of summer. Selah
One of the ways she deals with her repercussions and guilt is to TRY to redirect some of that pain at me. I see it much more clearly now than before. This Psalm reflects some of that deep, inner hurt she has to be feeling when she is quiet and alone with her thoughts. For that, I am deeply sad for her.
To end on an up note! ...17 days to Hawaii!I will not be visiting "brochure Hawaii," only the beautiful spots, nor will I be lounging, relaxing etc. There will be work, serving and ministering to the homeless including families and children but
I guarantee you I will come back with a great appreciation for what little I do have. I have said it before and this will not be the last time I say it: "Indeed, I am a blessed man!"
Aloha!
Hey C2, how about bringing back some leis.... I'm sure I don't speak for myself when I say ... haven't been 'leid' in quite awhile!!!
I'm blaming Bethie.... she's a really bad influence!