Well, well I go away for awhile and the lockmonster gets me.
Nothing really new to report. H is intent on buying the bass boat he's been looking at the last few nights. H called me this morning at my "post" and we chatted awhile.
H is still friendly, making a step forward. AND, THIS is where I tend to get sucked in, but am focussing on NOT going there, having no expectations at this point. I like what "slowly" posted to someone "plan on at least two years" to work the R out again or some words along that line. I'm finding what works the best is if I focus on "today" to not even think beyond today. Today I can handle. If I get too far ahead of myself, then I seem to get myself in to trouble.
So work has been fun the last few days. And after this week I have a golf outing to get organized!!
that is a week from Monday.
This summer is just flying by...feel like we're not going to have much of one either.
Cathy
P.S. Pam I'm putting this up at 1:49 pm central time...and I'm giving you a minute or less to be #1...hey what am I saying you are #1!
oh my
you beat Pam.
Cathy
Quote:
oh my you beat Pam.
Cathy
Hey, wait, where is Pam today? 
Sage
Hi Pam,
I was out of the office and wasn't able to log on, but could see the site...
I was locked out and had to wait till I came back to my office to start a new thread.
Glad you're back on.
Cathy
I too had problems posting this morning! But I finally posted and I mentioned you in my post!
Thanks for the chat!
XOXO
Deb
I miss being able to post every day, feel like I have lots to share, but am forgetting the day to day things.
H has let me know two days in a row that he's had to leave for work early
We've been trying to coordinate a weekend to go up north to my brother's cabin. It was going to be this weekend, but now H is going to work. My brother was going to be up there for a day and H right away said no he wasn't going to go then. But then the last time we talked, before H knew he had to work, H asked ME what I wanted to do?
We then talked about going to a baseball game on Sunday. H said no if he had his new boat he'd be fishing to which I replied "we're going fishing with you then" it's Father's Day. H said big deal.
He's given me his tentative plans for the next few weekend, fishing if he gets his new bass boat, which is in the works.
For some reason I have this feeling that the bass boat is going to become the OW...not sure why. Probably becuase when he had a bass boat years ago, I would refer to it as his girlfriend as it was where he spent all his time.
I said if you don't have your boat do you want to go to the baseball game? If not, I want to give the tix back. H said "we don't have to decide right now do we" to which I said no.
Last night H mowed the lawn, showed me how to use the weedwacker, which I requested. H was very pleasant and has been since Tuesday.
We talk on the phone during the day and he's actually quite nice, like he likes me.
Last night in bed, I must have gotten too close to H. H said to me "get away from me, get back on your side of the bed!!!"
Let me tell you I got as far away as I could. He was on the edge of the bed and I was on my edge of the bed...we have a king size bed, too!!
Question: Does anyone think $250 is a lot to spend on a comforter for our bed? I'd more than likely keep it forever. I've never spent that much, but the one I have picked out...I LOVE IT!!!
Cathy
Quote:
Question: Does anyone think $250 is a lot to spend on a comforter for our bed? I'd more than likely keep it forever. I've never spent that much, but the one I have picked out...I LOVE IT!!!
Pretty sure I spent about the same on ours I've had it for almost 7 years now and I've never regretted spending the money.
LL
Well I've got a lot of yes votes for the comforter. I'm just so cheap/frugal I can ALWAYS talk myself out of buying something.
I like to window shop and I actually shop best when I'm by myself. If I'm with another person, I don't really shop much and the other person is usually mad becuase they ended up buying and I didn't. OH well.
No contact with H today. There was a message on the answering machine when I got home today from the bank saying they needed more info for the boat loan that we were closing on this afternoon?
I was thinking about that earlier today, if H is getting a loan then I'm sure I have to sign, too. H never said a word to me nor indicated that I was going to be needed to sign off on the loan.
I guess I shouldn't be too surprised either. When he got the last loan, just ASSumed I'd make the time to be at the bank. I did leave him a vm shortly afterwards passing on the message.
So no contact with H, have no idea where he is right now. H does have to work tomorrow so he could be anywhere. H hasn't been to the bar since last Saturday night.
S is watching spongebob, I'll just hang out on the puter tonight. Will order my comforter and then look at blinds for our bedroom. I'm also looking at log headboards, going to use the cabin/lodge theme throughout the house, the lower level is there already.
I've had a hard time decorating since we moved into this house over five years ago. The cabin/lodge look is the most appealing at this point and feels right. I know it will make H a lot more comfortable. My brother has one room in his house that he can dedicate to his hunting things, a man I work with has his one room. My friend P has a huge vaulted living room, the upper portion is dedicated to her H's hunting things and the lower portion is her stuff, but the house is themed along the cabin/lodge look. I think you can intermix masculine/feminine and I will work on it...gives me a little project.
I think I've been resisting the theme and not sure why, maybe becuase I think it should be more womanly/femine just because that's what you see in homes these days. Becuase our house isn't a log home so why would I want to decorate it that way? I think it's more "other people's" opininions and views, but hey I'm the one living here and I should be able to decorate however I want to. I sometimes have to remember that this is my life and that other people can comment, have opinions but I shouldn't let those comments/opinions be mine. AND why have I been thinking like that so long...I feel the winds of change blowing.
Well gotta go, S4 is begging me to put up his new spiderman poster. We also have a spiderman hat that we just bought tonight and a gun that S found at Gander.
Cathy
Cathy,
Thought I'd take a stab at your spending issue. First off, you sound like you are dealing with the same type of "spender"as me.
Buy the comforter! If you can afford it and have looked at it repeatedly, you won't regret it.
I finally bought a couch and love seat after having looked at it for over a year. You probably never spend money on yourself.
About the boat! About a year before the "bomb' was dropped, a banker came walking into our office. H and I worked together then. I was asked to come into the next room to sign papers. H had arranged to buy a piece of property. I knew nothing about it. I balked !! The two of them ganged up. It was a great opportunity!! It was worth more than the price! Blah, blah, blah,....
I signed, after H told me we could afford it b/c he had money from stock from his mother. I had told H before I signed we couldn't possibly afford another payment.
Seven years later, it didn't turn out well. I won't go into it. But I was the one (since H hasn't worked ) who had to make payments.
Over the years of marriage, H has always wanted something. It was up to me to show him why he couldn't have the more expensive items. It doesn't work when you have more money going out than coming in.
I realize now , today, that it isn't that I don't like to shop. I am just afraid to give myself permission to spend money on me. I have no problem buying for the kids or H.
Give yourself that permission! Enjoy that comforter.
Pattie-girl,
I hope you don't mind that I refer to you that way. I have a cyber friend P and this is how I refer to her. Her H and my H go way back and P's H is similar to my H. IN FACT, P's H purchased a Harley and they were picking the Harley up yesterday..these men!! My friend P isn't all that excited, worried he's going to be giving OW rides when she's not around. Her H is very much in MLC..woman, drinking, some drugs and porn...yup it's an epidemic.
H did buy the bass boat, it's a nice looking boat, red and white Ranger. Showed up here right after I was on the BB last night. He was smiling ear to ear! I must admit he was thinking when he bought it, he was able to buy it for what the guy still had in the loan and when he does sell it will be able to get what he paid for it if not more. The guy he bought it from only used once or twice, selling it becuase he doesn't use it and bought it becuase of a girl in the first place
H took out the loan in his own name, I asked him when he showed up here. So IT'S H's bass boat.
Quote:
I realize now , today, that it isn't that I don't like to shop. I am just afraid to give myself permission to spend money on me. I have no problem buying for the kids or H.
We are related then 
I do think long and hard before making major purchases and don't let H know either. When I let him in on whatever it is, we end up paying MORE than I would have on my own. It's not really that I CAN afford it, but I'm tired of not buying or thinking of ME. I'm more frugal and do keep an eye on my finances and what I need/don't really need. Once I'm at my personal limit, I then go into idle and get caught up again.
My H's job is based on construction and thankfully he has been steadily employed since I met him--12 years ago yesterday! And I actually met him while he was working next to the office I worked in. A friend of his on the job stopped me one morning and asked if I wanted to the meet the guy in the crane? Thought about it most of the day and thought why not, I know where he works if he tries anything. Okay I was a little paranoid.
Anyway, H has been layed off here and there. Can't stand the company he works for, but they do keep him working. I think he's finally realizing this, at least I hope he does. H has job and a good paying one at that. It's more than a lot of people have. But, I guit preaching to H long ago and just agree with whatever it is he's unhappy about and let him vent...seems to work. My H is great at his job and is well respected by all his co-workers. Well as far as his ability to run a crane.
There is no way I'm going to control his spending at this point, it's something he's going to have to do on his own. H is still searching for his happiness in things rather than just being, so he has to do this. I think the bassboat vs. divorce or the bassboat or D..the bassboat right now is the better pick.
I have to relax about the $$ thing and not get on H at all about it. We're still not totally stable in this R, there's still MLC, there's still lots of work to be done on both of our parts. I have to believe that if $$ become a problem it will be at the point when H comes to realize that there are more important things in life than "things" I know he doesn't like being in debt, but feels like he can't control it. So time will tell.
Cathy
Good Morning Cathy~
Just stopping by to say Hi and hope all is going well with you!
Hope your journey with God, H and S is filled with wonder, joy and love!
Have a great day!
Blessings
Water
Hi Cathy,
I, too, am stopping by to say hello.
How are you? Where are you?
I hope all is well. I miss you.
Minnie
Hey Cathy,
How are things going? I hope you are having a pleasant week so far.
My trip up north with the kids went well, so now I am home and able to catch up with everyone.
I hope you go and get your new comforter. Two summers ago we bought a Select Comfort bed and didn't have a bedspread for it. Shortly before H moved out last summer, I went and bought a gorgeous comforter, shams and bed skirt (close to $400 but had 20% off coupon). It was more than I spend on anything but well worth it.
After H moved out I painted the bedroom, got new curtains and candles. Turned it into a regular boudair - my haven. And it is not girly - just comfortable. Do the same for yourself, I highly recommend it.
Are you enjoying the sun - even though it is cool out? Quick! Get in some golf before it starts raining again! LOL!
Hellloooo Ladies!!!
I've been meaning to post since yesterday, but can't get my thoughts together and in some ways feel like it's the same old stuff over and over, yet it's really not.
Father's Day was spent a ML baseball game (border game with Totite
).
H did get his new bass boat! H, SS and S went fishing Saturday evening. I was going to go hit some golf balls and was getting read to leave and H called me over to the boat and said "are you mad that you can't go with us?" I said no, there will be other times. H's truck holds three people, oh sure I could have drove to the dock and met them there, but three people in the boat is also too many.
So they get back we have dinner. SS is trying to get answer out of H as to what's he's doing on Father's Day. H talked about taking the boat here and there, hemmed and hawed, SS was still hanging around and ended up staying over night. H didn't seem to enthused about setting his alarm as he'd been getting before 5 am most of the week. Now when H has a boat, a boat that he really likes, he'd be out in it in a minute, but for some reason was holding back Saturday night as to what he was doing on Sunday.
At one point I told H it was his decision to make what he wanted to do and that S20 was waiting as it would have determined his plans for Sunday--meaning did he stay over night or go back to apartment and end up drinking all night. At one point H asked why he had to decide? H was struggling.
So we get up Sunday morning, late for us, had to even wake S4 up..everyone was beat. S20 had just got back from a Canada fishing trip at 4 am Saturday morning.
H still didn't know what he was doing, I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to use the tickets either way. If H went fishing it would have been him and S20. Didn't say a word either, kept quiet. In the past I would have said something like "if you're not going with us to the game, if you're fishing or whatever then I'll get my parents or whoever" and then H would be off fishing. I would have made the decision for him, but didn't do that on Sunday!
When S4 woke up he came out and gave his dad a big hug, said Happy Father's Day. H then asked S4 what HE wanted to do and S4 said go the baseball game. So H said we'll go to the game. SS20 couldn't come with us
he works Sunday evenings on a farm and we wouldn't have been back in time. H gave up his boating time to spend Father's Day with his family..bonus!!
We did think we'd be back in time for H to go out in his boat, at least for a few hours. Due to heavy traffic that didn't work out. Driving down we were stuck at an accident for a bit and traffic was heavy, lines were long to get into the game and traffic was bad getting out of the park. You get in those car lines and it's everybody for themselves! No one wants to lose their spot in line not let anyone either! At one point H said "now I know what I don't go to these things." Which was a big sign to me, one I'd never paid attention to in the past. It's not that H doesn't like doing this type of thing, H doesn't like the traffic, etc. Which I can completely understand!
Things were a little tense in the traffic with H, he thinks he has to tell me how to drive. Was thinking back to when S and I went to a game last summer and how we had such a good time. No stress for me, traffic wasn't as bad and the park wasn't as crowded and we left early. My thought was to leave early from the game on Sunday, but didn't want to suggest it to H, was going to let him decide and we stayed for the whole game. If we are at a sporting event H does like to stay for the whole game where I'll leave a bit early just to beat the traffic. Didn't say a word either way.
When H is stressed it kind of makes me stressed, but tried my hardest on Sunday to fight those feelings as they WERE H's feelings, not mine. Traffic WAS bad, but there was nothing we could do about it or the accident.
Yesterday morning was a struggle, I don't know if it's just Monday morning or what, but my thoughts were all over, couldn't think straight, started thinking like I did way back prebomb about some financial concerns. And you know my first thought was "I want out, I can't do this" WHAT THE!? where did that come from?? Was just struggling with things most of the morning, by midafternoon I was doing better.
By the time I was home after work things were looking and feeling a lot better. Hadn't talked to H all day yesterday, it was raining so assumed he was rained out. BUT, he spent the day with his new boat and the other boat that we purchased two months ago> Took that boat to get fixed and then took his new boat out to put some miles on the motor. This boat might not be such a bad idea...
S4 had Tball so we did that. I get a call from H right as the game is finishing up. H was asking how S was doing and then asked if we wanted a ride in the boat. I said not tonight it's getting late. Then H said what about tomorrow night, so I think we'll go for a ride tonight. H got home right before dark, I helped him park it and H talked to me about a problem with the trailer...like a freind.
I talked to him this morning right away, what a bear!! He was growling about this and that, I just remained calmed and finally H said "man I'm tired" which was why his mood was growly. Eventually he relaxed and was my personable by the end of our conversation!
So yippee!! I don't know what's happening here, but as my friend Holdingon suggested in our chat last night...just go with the flow.
H is still being secretive about his whereabouts for the most part, but is starting to share more with me. It's not that he's really doing anything that I shouldn't know about it, it's just that he doesn't want me asking him? There were a few questions directed at him to which he either didn't reply. And Saturday night when he had already told S4 they were going fishing and H was taking his poles to his boat that I asked H if wanted some snacks to take and H said "what makes you think I'm even going?" WHAT THE!?? I'm not stupid, I can see plans are being made to go, it was very obvious they were going.....I laugh now when I think about it.
Cathy
Hi Cathy,
Nope, this doesn't sound like more of the same. It sounds as if H is more comfortable with himself, with you, with his family.....
Quote:
When H is stressed it kind of makes me stressed, but tried my hardest on Sunday to fight those feelings as they WERE H's feelings, not mine. Traffic WAS bad, but there was nothing we could do about it or the accident.
....and YOU are doing great! I think this is a huge realization....perhaps because it's something I still struggle a bit with sometimes...but you're handling it like a pro!
Quote:
I talked to him this morning right away, what a bear!! He was growling about this and that, I just remained calmed and finally H said "man I'm tired" which was why his mood was growly. Eventually he relaxed and was my personable by the end of our conversation!
So yippee!! I don't know what's happening here, but as my friend Holdingon suggested in our chat last night...just go with the flow.
Yup, I think that's the key!
Hope you have a great day.
Minnie
Hey Cathy,
How was the game? Outdoors! Or did they close it up midway through the game?
I am taking the kids to see the Brew Crew on Friday - here of course. My H has a softball game too and they are short guys so he won't be going with us. I have ten tix to the game so am inviting some friends to go with us.
Have a great week!
Hi Totite,
The game was outdoors, we were 15 rows behind homeplate. Thankfully we only had to sit in the sun a short time otherwise it would have been a long game.
Your H plays softball? My H doesn't anymore, but my four brothers still do, they're all in their 40's!! I don't know what they're going to do when they can no longer play.
Cathy
Sage I stole this from your post to LnL:
Quoting SAGE:
Quote:
I know you're familiar with my sitch currently but I thought I'd highlight that a hurdle for me early on was getting over the "fact" that h is never going to "work on" our M. in the manner that I thought was necessary -- R talks, MC maybe, R books, etc. Simple fact is that he doesn't process stuff the way that I do...and once I was able to accept that AND the limbo that it felt as though it represented...well, I don't know, I was able to see and feel more appreciative of the way he DOES process things. Now, this is not a perfect process for me, of course...
This got my attention this morning and is something for me to remember. That H IS different from me. I'm just beginning to see/know my H as a person and will continue to work on getting to know my H as the individual that he is.
Thanks Sage...this makes so much sense and is an "ahh haa" moment for me.
Cathy
Good Morning,
Well S and I didn't go boating last night, it was pretty wavey and I don't think we would have enjoyed the ride too much. S and I hung out at the boat launch for awhile. There was a gravel walkway that S found rocks on and was throwing them into the water, we watched H head out with his boat and then went to my sister's who doesn't live to far away.
Hung out there, got in the car there were two missed calls from H. Tried to call H back but he didn't pick up, it was about five minutes after his call.
Got home, H showed up not too long after that. I helped him park his boat in the garage. Our vehicles are outside for now. In the past I would have been pissy about my car sitting outside over night and now it's like "was I really like that" and "what for?" Well I know why, just to be pissy! The winter is when I want my car in the garage as does H and we do have another garage that we can store the boat in for the winter.
H was worried about S4's bike being where it was, so I said I'll move this stuff and I heard H mumble "and I'll move too" which I ignored and continued on about what I was doing. I'm beginning to ASSume that when he says stuff like this, OW is doing some pursuing or could be H is feeling some guilt?
I do know that H hasn't been out drinking, let's see it'll be two weeks this coming Friday which is great, but on the other hand maybe he's feeling the "need."
I think he's getting into one of his "moods" and it's raining today. Soooo will think positive, no expectations, focus on the good stuff happening in my life and just go with the flow.
Cathy
Evening Update, should have known, felt it and knew it was coming.
No contact with H today. I did leave him a nice vm just saying hi which he never returned, but didn't think he would either so no expectation.
Get home from work boat is gone. So figure H is out on the lake. About 8ish storm warnings come on, the phone rings and it's H.
H: Just wanted to let you know I'm not on the lake
His voice is so quiet, emotionless is more the word.
M: Good I'm glad you're not on the lake, there are storm warnings out and I have to get Son out of tub. , I'm at OW's (the town OW is from is what he says, doesn't say OW's name at all), BUT he's calling from her house which is a FIRST.
H:yes get him out of the tub, same flat emotionless voice.
M: Are you coming home?
H: I don't know?
M: Were you on the lake at all?
H: Yes for awhile.
M: So you don't know if you're coming home?
H: I don't know.
M: Can I park my car in the garage then...yeah I said that..H said that's fine I'll move it if I come home.
H hangs up without saying goodbye or anything.
S and I go to the basement, it was kind of scary, but it blew over. Came back up stairs, I actually get down on my knees (I don't do this very often either) and start to pray and the phone rings it's H.
H: Are you okay?
M: Yes, but it was scarey for awhile. Are you coming home? Do you have your boat inside? H left the cover for it here.
H: No.
M: I heard background noise and ask H who's there and H said it's the TV.
H. I called to see if you were okay. And then H just hangs up on me, again.
S grabbed extension a few times and H wouldn't say a word until I could get the other phone from S4.
The whole conversation was H with his emotionless voice.
So what is up and why did he go there? I have no idea, BUT H called me from OW's twice to make sure we were okay? WHAT THE? He hasn't called me from there since last summer. I can count on one hand the number of times he's called me from OW's.
So I am
big time, will go to bed and wait to hear from H in the morning.
I'm kind of pissed in away, like WHAT THE and why and WHY was he at OW's?. H wasn't drinking either. His voice sounded terrible I had to ask him what was wrong at one point and he just said he called to see if we were okay.
argghhh...that he's sitting there with OW having a grand ole time...okay maybe he's not, but why or why and WHAT THE and I'm going to bed now...
Cathy
Is the point where you give up and say enough is enough? I'm questioning my sanity today.
H calls this morning bright and early, asks for me by name? WHAT THE! I answered the phone!! I don't even ask how he is just "what's up" H wanted to know how my day is going so far? Well considering I had just gotten up my day had barely begun. His isn't going very well, his truck broke down on the way to work. Hehehehehehe...the Lord is good. H wasn't even all pissed off and mad about it, which is strange. We talked about the storm last night, he had just spoke with his brother from his home town and wanted to be sure his parents were okay. Well the storm went through last night, not this morning, and H is JUST calling his brother to see how things are up there? I then told H I talked to S20 and that he was okay, also. H didn't even think to call S20 to see if he was okay.
I suppose he had his fix last night and now he's back in sync or feels balanced again, I just don't get it and it's not for me to get either, just have patience.
Why does he call me immediately after a night with OW and then he's happy again?
I know, I know I shouldn't question or wonder, but the whole thing last night with him calling, the flat emotionless voice and then this morning the real H is back? Who is the real H these days anyways?
Remember the show to tell the truth? I think I'm the contestant and there are three guys who claim to be my H.
Oh, but I don't have an H right now do I? This guy is my friend and I should have no other expectations of this friend of mine. Actually the way I feel about H these days is that he's my teenage son and that this boy/man has to figure his life out for himself.
I'm on a vent this morning. This man is the most selfish person I know right now, he doesn't even thank me for the things I do for him, his laundry, his dinners, his food, anything at all. If he needs something than I'm his servant. Mom/Cathy do this/do that..why's that dishrag on the table? Why's this here, you know you left that there..but can he pick anything up no, has to point the things out so that I can do them for him as he sitting on the couch with his remote in hand!!!
ARGGHHH! This morning driving into work I WAS blasting H in my head. I could really tell him a few things right now! The nerve, the gall, the insanity of this whole thing.
Then I was thinking about everybody else here and how my pity party was just with me. How everyone here is struggling just as much as I am and that this world is full of problems worse than the one I'm in. Satan is really pushing hard and DA** SATAN to HE!!
Cathy
(I am insane aren't I?)
I mean I could just spit fire right about now.
Just one more thing, guess where H's boat is this morning???!!! At OW's I'm sure, stored in OW's garage and I'm sure she's telling everyone she works with that my H's boat is stored in her garage because my H can't find his way home at night!!!!!! Did I mention that I'm sick of this!!
Cathy
Cathy,
I'm right with you!!! Questioning sanity and wondering wtf am I doing this for!
Then I remember, he seems to be slooooooowly coming back. Suggesting plans with kids, me. I think we are like the card with the cat hanging on to a limb. We need to keep on hanging on. Tie a knot at the end of the rope and dangle for awhile longer.
Hi Pattie,
Yes there are the steps closer and I do have to remember those, but that H called me from OW's last night is a new twist in the sitch.
There's something that I'm missing, something I'm not getting about those calls last night. In a way it was like H was reaching out to me, silenting pleading for me to save him, yet there's nothing I could have done...is there?
Need to just sit for awhile and not feel, think anything.
Cathy
{{{{CAthy}}}}
Wow, Sounds like there is more storming than just the weather....
I am glad you and your family are safe.
As I read your posts, patterns are definatly there.
Quote:
Why does he call me immediately after a night with OW and then he's happy again?
What could be a 180 here? Maybe not take his calls after a night of not being home? Throw him off balance. It seems like he is looking for that peace from you. He KNOWS he did something wrong and is sending out the feeler to see your reaction. You are there, talking to him about the weather etc. What if YOU took a day to be within yourself without taking his calls?
Quote:
I'm questioning my sanity today
I am here with you on this one! I some times think that I have totally lost my mind. Or that maybe I SHOULD loose my mind!!
I hope you have a good day!
Blessings
Water
I'm tired of 180's too.
Aren't I a good person? I'm nice to him, supportive and then I get nothing in return and hell to pay if I should even bring up anything "bad" about what he's doing?
This may never end, he's that selfish and might never have to look at HIMSELF.
I do every day and why doesn't HE look like he's suffering, feeling any kind of pain at all? He's not that's why. And then I get the brunt of all his ugliness.
Oh Satan be
dam@ed!!! Cathy
(((((Cathy)))))
Quote:
Aren't I a good person?
You're a wonderful, caring, loving person. This is not about whether you're a good person or not. This is about the awful, messed up life HE'S living.
I don't have much advice my friend. I do, however, know what it feels like to think we're insane, to wonder why, why, WHY, WHY? .
I also know the anger. All I can say is, feel it and let it go. You told me just yesterday that H is in a mess of his own making. Sure it affects us, but we didn't create it. Why should we suffer for it? WE are ok, OUR world is ok...it's them! Please let it go.
I think Water's right. What if you just stop taking his phone calls? You know he's ok; he can take caer of himself. You take care of you and s4.
Minnie
Thanks Minnie,
I was thinking about what I had said to you yesterday, also! Thank you for the reminder. It is his own mess and it's becuase he is living at home that it affects me much more than it would if he weren't living there.
During my lunch break I was feeling that my H can't be my H right now and if he can't then why do I feel like I CAN still be his wife? How can I be a wife to someone who doesn't want a wife right now? I can't be, so who AM I? I am a mother to my S4 and SS20 and a woman.
I'm married, at least I thought I was, but now I don't know anymore. We have the document, we're married in the eyes of the church, but in the eyes of my H we are not.
In the eyes of the Lord how can I be married when my H doesn't think he's married or has to be committed to the marriage in the same way that I am.
Just thinking on paper.
Cathy
So H just called mad as a hornet and guess who he's mad at....and "he's moving out" when I ask when "aaahhh Sunday" and then why didn't I call him, I knew he didn't have a truck!! You could care less that I didn't have a vehicle, did you try to call me...spewing at me!!
I asked him why he didn't call me, if he needed a ride why didn't he call me? I would have helped him out and then of course he goes back to "why didn't you call me!"
H's moving in with OW, I don't care about him, the only reason he was there was for S. Then says I don't belong anywhere. I said you belong with us.
I told him I would come and get him, let me know where he was and he said no. He wouldn't tell me where he was, they had just started to look at his truck and he didn't work all day either. I did tell him I was going to pick up S from daycare and come over to OW's and get him. H said "why" I said becuase I'm going to, but H wouldn't tell me if he was there or not. I said where are you calling from? H said I have a cellphone, but he was calling from a regular phone not a cellphone, there was an echo and when he hung up I could tell it was a regular phone.
I then told him I did care about him and to not think that I don't and he just said I don't want to hear it. Then asks me if I'm at work and who can hear me and is all of a sudden worried about who can hear me at work? I said I don't care who hears it I want to know where you are and he still wouldn't tell me. Says we can talk later and hangs up on me.
I called him back on his cellphone and he wouldn't answer either.
Cathy
{{{{{{Cathy}}}}}}}
Many prayers and hugs for you my friend.
Blessings
Water
Hi Water,
Thank you. I feel amazingly calm inside. This is more of the same from H.
Holdingon was able to chat me through this little crisis and maybe it won't be as bad as it sounded. It's really more of the same from H anyway. That he can decide at the spur of the moment that he's moving out and on Sunday. I have no idea where that date came from and who's going to help him move?
I will keep praying, pray myself through this as it's the only way.
Cathy
Hi Cathy,
I'm glad you spoke with holding. I was just going to tell you the same thing...that it sounds like more of the same from H. Why did he pick Sunday? He has three days before that to move out if he really wanted to. He cant' handle himself and is looking for something....anything to be direct his anger towards.
I'm glad to read that you're calm. Nothing you can do so why fret about it.
(((((Cathy)))))....even if you don't need it.
Minnie
I don't know what's going on here but when I got home from work it was very obvious that H had been here even made himself a sandwhich and watched TV! The seat was up on the toilet, S4 for some odd reason, doesn't need to pee when he wakes up so I know he didn't live up the seat.
S4 and I mowed the lawn and now we're off to have pizza!
Dirty plate in the sink, his stuff is here but no H. The drama continues.
Cathy
Hey Cathy,
I am thinking of you and your S4 and SS20. Saying a prayer for you too.
Your H is at a crossroads again. Don't rise to him, just tow the line of "you belong with us". As long as you are consistent in what you say and how you act, you can't fault anything you do.
Hang in there.
On the wy to the pizza place thought I'd call H on his cell. No answer left a vm asking him about his truck, asked how he was doing and said we were going out for pizza.
S4 is being very difficult tonight people, crying about everything and stubbornnnnn, OH MY
on the way home from pizza S falls asleep and has been in bed every since...early for him, he was beat.
So h calls me back and asked what I wanted, repeated what I said. I asked who towed his truck and he said company S20 works for and that it cost $99. I said insurance will cover it and H says so what. Then said something about S coming to help him out since he wasn't working today..I didn't get details so not quite sure if S20 brough H here or not.
H also said that OW called to see if she could help and what couldn't I have called. I said I didn't know that you needed help and why didn't H call me, it works both ways. Well H didn't wanything to do with that response. I then said of course OW helped you out, you styaed there last night. I mean come on, if he wouldn't have stayed there he might not of had the truck problems and/or the playout of the days plot might have been different.
H then wanted to know why I hadn't come to OW's, I had threatened to earlier. I said I don't it wouldn't have solved anything and I would have looked like a fool. To which H replied "well we all look like fools"
So then H once again brings up the why didn't I call and I finally said I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and H said well it wouldn't be the first time and hung up.
He was here earlier in the day, must have took a shower and put clean clothes and then put his work boots back on and didn't take anything else with him.
Now if I was an observer of this sitch, I'd say that H had OW help him out as she has two vehicles, gave H one and now he's stuck in her debt and trying to make me out to be the bad person becuase I DIDN'T CALL AND LOOK WHAT I HAD TO DO and it's all my fault!! I would think sooner or later ever H would tire of his same old excuses games.
He didn't take the cover for his boat either, which is odd, maybe THIS boat isn't as important to him as I thought. I wonder if I would have called H 15 minutes after OW called him and asked if he needed help he would have agreed to let me help or instead say something like "OW called first" and you didn't so you're the bad person now.
So I'm alone once again tonight..not suprising I guess. S is asleep and I can relax for awhile.
Cathy
P.S. thanks again holdingon...the checks in the mail
and I'm on level ground once again.
Good morning Cathy,
Hope you had a good night. You sounded ok and peaceful last night.
Did he ever come home?
Minnie
Hi Minnie,
No I knew he wouldn't be home. I slept well though, six hours.
Had S4 call H this morning when he got up. S4 was in such a good mood this morning!! I heard S4 ask his dad to pick him up from daycare today, talked about S4's cousin who got caught up in the bad weather the other night, heard his name mentioned on the local news. S4 asked if H wanted to talk to me, which he did, so spoke with H this morning first about nephew who had been hurt, just minor stuff. Then H said "S4 wants me to pick him up tonight" I said oh he did..I heard S4 ask, but was playing stupid. I said you can if you want too.
H has his truck back, it was the fuel pump that needed to be fixed. When I spoke with him last night he made it sound like they didn't know what was wrong and that it wasn't even being looked at...so H was just spewing yesterday, a temper tantrum of some sort.
This happened in February, H just blew up because I wouldn't make S4's dinner RIGHT NOW
and left the house for a few days. S20 was there at the time and didn't understand what the blow up was about either.
What happened to me was that I got caught up in H's storm and didn't just sit on the curb like I'm supposed to...geez I just don't get it some days do I? I was having a pity party and making H's actions about me once again. Need something, a reminder, a sign to get me off the roller coaster.
I also mentioned to H that I had to work late on Monday and that I therefore couldn't take S4 to t-ball and it's our turn to bring the snack. H said well I'm only working till 3:30 now so I can take him.
Need to remember to keep my eyes off the circumstances.
Cathy
Hi Cathy,
You sound better. I'm glad. We need to be ok regardless of what they're doing.
Quote:
Need to remember to keep my eyes off the circumstances.
It's so hard when you're taken over by emotions. I did the same thing last night. I tried to walk away and go to my room and re-group and you know what?....my mind went blank. I couldn't think of any of the stuff we've learned.
Anyway, hopefully this stuff will become second nature to us soon.
Hope you have a good day.
Minnie
Minnie, I am laughing out loud at this:
Quote:
my mind went blank. I couldn't think of any of the stuff we've learned.
This happens to me ALL the time, at work, when I'm put on the spot, with H! I'm the after the fact kind of person...it's not till after everything is over that the perfect words come to mind.
Cathy
My H is nuts, he's all these different people all of a sudden.
H called me at work, based on our conversation this morning of me having to work on Monday and H being able to take son to Tball. H interpreted that to be that "what do you think I'm abandoning our son?" (in my mind..well you have been gone for a few days and haven't once asked about son) I said no. It was really more me thinking out loud as I was under the assumption that you were working longer hours and that was all it was meant to mean. And the fact that it DID just dawn on me this morning
Then he made mention of "my bitchy attitude" which he hasn't said in ages. It was my attitude pre-bomb but I've worked very hard and dearly to change and I have CHANGED that "bitchy" attitude it came with the new happy ME.
Not living the second half of my life the way I did the first half...angry, resentful and "bitchy" I forgot the over-reactive part of me too, seems to be gone..comes with overreacting too many times and then having things work out in the end and usually for the better. I can look ahead first and the decide if it's worth my energy. Hmmm I wonder if that's why I don't like to drink as much, I do have a beer a couple of times a week, the looking ahead, thinking about the next day and do I want to spend it feeling like crapp or do I want to enjoy it.
Then he has me if I was going to my brother's cabin next week and I said no and then me thinking, assuming he has plans with OW I say "why, what are you doing?" H said he's pre-fishing for a tournament he's fishing in the following weekened.
H also told me had to work tomorrow and would more than likely be prefishing...drum roll please...on SUNDAY! The very same SUNDAY that he was planning to move.
He shared with me his plans for this weekend, okay they're tentative for Sunday, but he is working tomorrow. And he let me know his plans for next weekend and the following weekend, said to me "well I signed up for it so I guess I gotta fish in it" or something along those lines.
So who was the "man" I spoke to yesterday? Number 1, 2 or 3?
I asked him if he was going to pick up S this afternoon and he said "probably" and I said then I'll see you later.
Cathy
P.S. Haven't asked H where his boat IS right now either. Either H has it hooked up to his truck at work or at OW's. I'll just have to wait to find out.
Cathy,
I just read you last several posts! I'm glad you are centered again. Maybe we need a "time out chair ' for us as well, as Hs. We know about those morning after calls. It's only their way of tempertature taking.
Yes, this trip is frustrating and irritating and and and ...
So, vent at us! Get you center, and carry on!
Hi Cathy,
I don't know what to tell you Cathy. But this is my opinion ok...take it with a grain of salt.
I think enough is enough. I say pack his bags now and not wait until Sunday. He wants to be with OW, let him. This is no life for you. His cake eating has got to stop. He will continue this behavior until one of you (either you or OW) says that's it. I just can't see him changing his behavior as long as it is allowed to continue. The ball is in your court now to make some changes. Do what you feel you need to do because it boils down to what matters the most to you. Having an H at home (when he feels like it) even though he still spends time with OW or get your life back and your self respect along with it.
Love,
Hope
Thanks for popping in Hope
Shiney, who is no longer posting, suggested this many time and even thought that H was cleary wanting someone to make a decision for him.
At this point I am not ready to decide or to give H the last resort. I WANT H to make the decision and why shouldn't he have to? He made the decision to have the A, to move out, to move back home and now for me to decide that enough is enough? Well I'd give H the easy way out wouldn't I?
H is waiting for one of us to crack, to "give in" says he doesn't care who he's with, it doesn't matter at all, H just wants it to end.
I'll think about it and beleive me I have many times, but don't know why I don't want to go there. Maybe it's becuase if I do "boot" H it will be over in my mind.
Cathy
Cathy,
If it's all the same for him, either you or OW, perhaps you should point out that he is married to you and has a child with you, so you and your R have a greater claim to him. Though I don't know if I would want a H back that was SO wishy washy about wanting to be in the marriage. For goodness sake.
He probably does need a jolly good kick in the pants or a bucket of water over his head - to wake up!
Livnlearn
Cathy,
You talked about H being all of these people... wasn't there something in HB posts, maybe the stages of MLC that talked about them being several different people? Maybe you should dust that off and reread it.
Your H is in such turmoil, I don't see you adding to it by an ultimatum, IMHO. Course, I am a chicken. But, you did say, you have nurtured the gift of forethought, so think it out. If you don't think the time is right, it is not.
Maybe these outbursts, which are coming less frequently, are his horrible, nasty way of sharing his frustration with you. Maybe he is not able to put words to his thoughts.
Maybe you should journal what he is doing, the timing, etc. Or maybe you should just keep your mind on Cathy.
Cathy,
My emotions are right there with you. Holdingon has some good insight here.
I've reread your post many times. I've thought about what you have said. I would hate for you to live this for years. I have. I don't want to make his decision for him. Ultimately, I may.
For now, the best thing maybe to keep letting him know he has a family that loves him, cares about him and wants him home.
I'm not saying hang in there forever, but maybe you need to give a little more time. Concentrate on you!
Now may not be the time to put out an ultimatum. You are both emotionally charged right now. let it wait a bit.
LnL--a kick in the pants...hmmmm...smiling...thinking of other things....smiling some more...okay...gotta be serious, don't want to end up in jail now do I?
Hon--
Quote:
Maybe you should journal what he is doing, the timing, etc. Or maybe you should just keep your mind on Cathy.
This I can do...keep myself on the curb and just SIT..nomore getting up to see if the rides done, when the rides going, if it's stopping. Just sit and watch and stay quiet and wait for H to get off and come get me.
The silent observer.
Quote:
If you don't think the time is right, it is not.
I don't think NOW is the right time. Will wait a little longer to see how this plays out.
I was just talking to him not too long ago and the things he says! He asked me of SS had called last night I said no. Then H said did your H come home last night. I said nope don't know what happened to him. H says get used to it, I gotta get of the house, I can't take living with you (me) anymore.. I just said "I'm sorry you feel that way" But WTF...I'm the easiest person to live with and H is saying that? He's in another world, the man is living on another planet! If he's trying to push me, he's really pushing these last couple of days! I don't where he's digging this stuff out from anyway. It's like H saying I haven't changed at all when it's very clear that I have. aliens are back
Then he bounces back to a family issue about son's swimming lessons.
Cathy
lefty,
Your h is trying to justify in his mind why he's leaving and that includes his spouting mouth saying you have a b$tchy attitude, why didn't you call him when he needed you, etc. Not that you could even have known the story. Don't take his crap and don't apologize that you hurt his feelings. He's out of control and he's looking to control you and turn you into what he'll use later and say is a dependent woman. Don't call him anymore during the day, it's really pursuing even though he says you didn't call. It's not that he wants you to call, he's using that as an excuse. I agree with you it's time to sit on the curb and just watch. Be respectful to him when he speaks to you, but don't go out of your way to please him. I hate to say this but as I've said not too long ago, he's really not as far along in his crisis as you may think considering he's bouncing all over and seems to have anger there. However, don't fixate on the stages too much because they're only a guide and when Hearts Blessing wrote her thread on the stages, it was before she filled in some missing pieces which she hasn't updated because she has moved on and is concentrating on her marriage, rightfully so.
Only you can decide what to do, but if you make no other decisions, please don't cater to his every whim.
Hi Cathy,
This is a difficult stage for you and also for me. I can foresee this will happen to my H id we move in together. We are due to move in end of this week, but I have given him the option to back out from the deal and has asked him to call the landlord himself but so far he hasnt. If we really move in our Hs will be twins.
I understand when you say now is not the time to give ultimatum yet. I know the feeling of just wanting to give up many many times. People around me also has asked me to just walk away, and he is not worth it. Somehow in my heart I know that I am not ready to do that yet and I am still holding on. There will come a time and place when we really cannot tolerate it anymore and just say enough is enough but maybe NOW is not the time yet.
Hang in there for a while more. I am too. This is the most difficult stage I can say. And maybe if in the end it is just not meant to be, we will be remembered by our children and maybe our Hs (eventually when his head is not too screw up) as the pillar of strength and patience.
Take care..
((Cathy))
"When you are in doubt, be still, and wait.
When doubt no longer exists for you, then go
forward with courage.
So long as mists envelop you, be still. Be still
until sunlight pours through and dispels the
mists -- as it surely will. Then act with
courage."
White Eagle
The above has helped me a lot to focus on doing NOTHING when required!!
Hang in there girl, I'm thinking of you a lot and praying for you.
Hugs,
Mary
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers.
When I got home for work last night H was here and had his boat with him. H had also picked S up from daycare, must have taken boat to work him straight from OW's. I really don't know, didn't ask.
H hadn't shaved in the two days that he's been gone, he looked awful. H is an A** and has been the last few days.
H was nice enough, but I just feel like H is going backwards for some reason, back into the tunnel maybe. Whatever.
H was in the bathroom, I was in bed, S was in our bed goofing around. At one point he said "mom watch this and he was just going fall backwards, I tried to stop him, but kids will be kids and he fell backwards and hit the head boat with his head. S immediately started crying, well of course, and H comes in and says what happened, did he hit his head on the headboard,
I said yep. I mean what can you do he's 4 and things like this happen. S recovered very quickly and stopped crying.
H comes into the bed room and says "why did momma let you fal and get hurt! (the A** like it was my fault of course) but S came through for me. S said "no she didn't" then H said something else and S replied, I kept my mouth shut. S defended me and took the blame.
Then H was trying to set the alarm on his clock radio and at one point said "who's been messing with this" well duhhh H is the only one that "messes" with it. I just replied "nobody has been" He thinks little elves run around reeking havoc in his life. I'm sure it was my fault that his truck broke down, too.
I have a bit of an "attitude" right now, but just who does H think he is anyway. Really do wish H was out of my life right now, believe me I have been wondering if this is worth it H's attitude and anger are just too much some days.
Feeling like I could care less about H at this point, wish he wasn't here, he could care less about me. Thinking wouldn't it be nice to have an H who cared, somewho can give me the love that I deserve. This back and forth stuff IS hard, my life is constantly being disrupted by his little "poor me" attitude, his lack of moral strength, the OW thing, just everything.
The weather is great today, I'm off to a craft fair and maybe to hit some golf balls. S and I went to the driving range last night and S4 isn't too bad!
H isout in his boat.
Cathy
Mary I like your post to me, for now I am just going to be still and be quiet.
Thanks BnB for stopping by, I think you are a very strong person for telling H it might not be time for him to move back and yes we will be twins, he will be going back and forth. Some days I wish H would go away for a month, to the mountains or wherever and figure things out for himsef.
Hi Cathy!
I hope you have a wonderful day... crafts and golf
Awesome!
It appears the Mother Ship is not quite ready to release them as men and keeping them aliens for a while. They must have also installed the latest version of alien thoughts/actions as this seems to be coming through with a vengence. On many threads today it seems...
Keep your spirits up, focus on you, S and SS.
Blessings
Water
Good evening all,
Had a good day today. Arts and craft fair, sat at the local park for about hour just reading and then went to Target to purchase some things I needed. Got home H was working on his boat, S was sleeping.
Said hello to H, H said hi back. Asked him about some fishing lures he had in his boat and how he doesn't ever use them and he showed me what he should do to them to make the work better. H told me he went to his parent's house, they had some storm damage in town but nothing at his parents. H's good friend found out at he has postate cancer. This man has been to death's door once before and through one health problem after another and now he has prostate cancer. The man is 45, has had both hips replaced before he was 40, back problems and now this...for some reason I have a feeling he's going to pull through this too.
H said he stopped at our friends house while he was in town. P and D are going through marriage problems, D purchased a Harley the same day my H bought his bass boat, but they were out on the Harley. H hasn't stopped at their house in AGES.
Almost forgot, when I called H this morning he was out on the lake fishing. I said good morning, he said good morning back, his voice was dead, no emotion. I'm beginning to think this guy is depressed again or worse or whatever.
I've been really struggling these last few days, can't quite figure out what is keeping me stuck. For some reason I feel like I'm back at the beginning of this nightmare, can't shake the mood, it's like a heavy weight is on me, something is not letting me think clearly about things, I keep flashing back to last spring when this all started. I've been praying a lot today, putting the focus on me, trying to clear my mind of all the cobwebs, it helps, but then I regress again, like right now, just can't shake the thoughts that have been playing in my mind or this heaviness. I really believe that Satan is giving it is ALL right now! REALLY pushing to make this marriage fall apart. Today I was thinking that maybe H isn't the one I'm supposed to be with, that this marriage wasn't mean to be in the first place and it was just a huge mistake...see these are the kind of thoughts I've been having.
I was coming in from outside right behind H and what does he do he closes the door in my face...I ASSumed he knew I was right behind him and said something to him about it when I got in the house...how rude. This is the kind of crapp his pulls. Or maybe he's so absorbed that he doesn't realize it...nahh he doesn't do it to our S.
A few weeks ago H came home with a food container from OW, it was in H's lunchbox and he put in our refrigerator as there was still some pineapple in it. At first I didn't know what to do, then decided to mix the pineapple with cottage cheese and ate that, put the container in the dishwasher and stuck in the cupboard. I was thinking I'd put my name on it and let H return it to her
I think it was one of the nights H was at OW's that I threw it in the recycling,covered it with something, too. Well this morning H asks me why I threw that "plastic container in the recycling" I said the lid didn't fit on it...H said "was it because it was from someone elses house!" I mean WTF--BUT as of right now it's still in the recycling....I don't want the darn thing.
One other thing, was wondering if H treats OW the way he treats me? I know it doesn't matter, but it would maybe give me some kind of sick comfort to know that he was just as rude/mean to her as he is to me.
Or does he treat her differently, respect her and show concern, sympathy, compassion for her fears of H not returning to HER, of her being alone and not knowing how to handle things. Does he HUG her and KISS her the way he should his wife, does he treat her like he should treat a wife, someone he's married to? Just some rambling thoughts.
Good night.
Cathy
{{{{{Cathy}}}}}
You are having some difficult thoughts. You remind me of someone I know
Get out your Power of Now and help yourself to focus. Get out the Circle and think of your wish, your positive thoughts. Keep praying. Tell the Lord specifically what you want. STOP filling your head with the worst. Tomorrow is Sunday... is H home or moving out? Does your mood help or hurt your situation? What can you do to make tomorrow better than today?
Cathy,
From my very limited view, I can tell you my H treats ow in much the same way. He can ignore me, and I know he ignores her. Over the last 2 weeks, it has made her livid. It has not however made her leave.
Lightbulb went on earlier this morning. He has stated repeatedly that she will go away. By doing the ignoring, he is hoping she will. Instead he gets very carefully worded messages.
So does your H treat ow the same? I would imagine so. Especially since he gives you the responses about he doesn't care where/who he ends up with.
Seems to me they (yours and mine) do care. They just don't know how, don't have the strength or don't want to be responsible for the hurting, to end it with one of us.
Aliens!!! Wish I had an answer!
Hi Hon,
He is not moving out today, he never was. I have to remember when he says stuff like that, that he's spewing. In the back of my mind I knew this, but seemed I got sucked into the drama and feeling sorry for myself by believing him and making it true in my mind.
A few months ago H told me he was going to move out, actually he says this all the time, but this time he did tell me that "he would need to talk to OW first" which means he's not moving out to be with her, he's moving out period. H is thinking out loud, venting, spewing--an outswing perhaps trying to make himself feel better about his behaviour. IF he's moving out then in his mind it justifies the visits to OW. He also told me "I don't know where that relationship is going" which to me means he's not moving out to be OW either. H also said "I THINK I can be happy there" as part of the conversation.
Just how to keep this perspective when H pulls an allnighter.
And with H calling the other night from OW's I did wish that instead of just not showing H would let me know where he was..well look what happened. Be careful what you wish for.
I need to get back to the basics, get back to what I want/need in my life. Get centered again.
Tomorrow I'm at a golf outing all day. I'm taking the foursome shots which include our guest for the outing, a progolfer. I will be stationed on a hole with him all day and taking photos. This is something I wouldn't have been able to do a few years ago, it's a huge step out of my box, one I chose to do for ME.
Today H is fishing all day, he's in a fishing tournament the second weekend in July so he needs to "fish around" on the lake to find the hot spots. So I have the day to myself.
Quote:
Does your mood help or hurt your situation?
Good question, it's NOT the best for the R that's for sure. I worked really hard to NOT let it affect it yesterday, didn't really talk to H a whole lot, minimal, yet our interactions were all good. He animatedly told me about a fishing pole floating in the the lake yesterday morning that he pulled into his boat and it had a fish on it to boot!!
Yesterday after the craft fair I DID NOT want to come home, I had my Power of Praying Woman with me so ducked into a park new our home and sat there until I could get myself grounded again. I just couldn't come here and H didn't call me once to see where I was yesterday, when I was going to be home, blah, left me alone.
Cathy
Hi Cathy ... just caught up on your week ...
Quote:
I was having a pity party and making H's actions about me once again.
I had to LOL when I read this ... for I see your H doing the same thing ... he was having a pity party too and he making his action about you too!!!
It seem to start with the night of the storm. No doubt he was became riddled with guilt for not being home with you and son during that scary and dangerous storm, let alone ending up at OW. In order to deal with the guilt he made it all about you. Oi! (((Cathy)))
You can't control his reactions, but you don't deserve the backlash! Validate his feeling, but I think you need to let it be known you are not the bad guy here! There's no need to point out who it is. Deep down we all know who it is, including the culprit! Just don't allow the blame to be shifted onto your shoulders. "Gee, I feel terrible that you ended up feeling this way. I wish it didn't turn out the way that it did, but I had no control over that!"
He has to stop using you as his scapegoat or he will never see you in a different light.
On that note, since you can't mindread when your H want you to reach out for him, maybe each time he stresses out, can you get into the habit of asking him, "Do you want my help?"
That in itself is a form of reaching out and may work for your H.
Glad to hear H threat to move out was yet another empty one ... Cathy, your H is the King of the pity party ... keep that in mind the next time he starts spewing and its time for you to come up with a way to tell yourself and him that you don't wish to be invited to them anymore.
and maybe you can turn it around by telling him how much you would like to invite him to a good time instead.
I don't know the answers Cathy ... really ... just thowing some ideas out there that might help get you unstuck ... that feeling I do know quite a bit about ...
'til later,
KAW
Hi Cathy,
Yes, it's me, the bad news bear!
As I read the last few posts on your thread, it was like deja vous! You are still caught up in the whirlwind of your H's drama and the saddest part is, while you're being a martyr hanging onto your M with dear life, your H is living HIS life hour to hour, day to day, indulging in whatever self gratifying activity makes him feel good at everyone else’s expense.
FEAR is a cancer of the heart and soul. It's an insidious disease that claims your life, your happiness, your self respect and your child's sense of security little by little, day after day.
Your H's antics have NOT changed one iota, in fact, it sounds as if he's become more brazen, more narcissistic and more psychotic as the months have passed.
Give yourself the gift of hope and love, NOT for the rest of his life, but for the REST of yours.
It’s terribly hard to make the decision to make a REAL change and IMHO, the only real change left for you to make, is to show him the door, because the sad truth is, you can’t love an unlovable man, no matter how badly you want to remain Mrs. ******, It’s not worth it to you, and it’s damn sure not healthy for your son.
It's true, I'm NOT a Christian, but we have the same God none the less, and I don't think your faith demands that you be a martyr, or help mate to an emotionally abusive adulterer any more than my faith does.
Hugs to you Cathy and I swear I PRAY that you will find the strength to make a NEW and richer, happier life for yourself and you precious son.
T2
KAW, thank you for input..I appreciate a fresh perspective, being so close to it every day makes it hard.
T2:
Quote:
Your H's antics have NOT changed one iota, in fact, it sounds as if he's become more brazen, more narcissistic and more psychotic as the months have passed.
I think you hit it right on the head. H is getting worse and that's been the nagging, can't quite put them into words feelings that I have been having for the last few days.
He's getting better and worse at the same time
Quote:
no matter how badly you want to remain Mrs. ******,
Yeah only because it's shorter then my maiden name.
I don't know why I'm putting myself through this I really don't, but something inside me says it's not time to give up yet and until that feeling changes then I will continue on this path.
I do feel a new strength, each time I go down I seem to come back stronger, time will tell.
I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend and will just take this one day at a day from now on.
Cathy
Hey Cathy,
I understand where KAW was coming from, but only you can determine when enough is enough.
Had I listened to the well-intentioned advise of others, I would have moved on without my H and lost out on the opportunity for this R I have with him now.
Maybe your H is approaching his rock bottom. Because you are so close to the situation, you are bound to get some bumps and bruises along the way. However, it is still his journey. He needs to hit the bottom before he can start his ascension toward the top again.
You amaze me with you patience and resolve. You put a lot of side comments in your posts. Do you every verbalize these thoughts to him?
I mean, can it be said without sounding sarcastic or blaming? - just a statement of fact?
At times it seems like you do - like saying I am sorry you feel that way - when he said he couldn't live with you any more.
The question I would put to him should he say that again is "I really think it is you that you can't live with any more. I love unconditionally and I want to see you happy and healthy. I will be here to help you do that when you are ready."
Would that work? Just a thought.
I think turning things back to him, letting him take responsibility for his actions might help him wake up and smell the coffee. YOu are in no way to blame for his behavior.
You are right to live a life for yourself. You can support his choosen lifestyle, but you don't have to join him in living it. Loving detachment at its finest huh?
Hang in there. Your resolve is something to be admired.
BTW, my skating rink always has a welcome sign on it!
Hi Totite!!
I must admit even when I read some posts that don't make me feel particularly good, make me question MY sanity I tend to to start a pity party even then...like okay then I'll just do "insert here" if that's what everyone wants
and then be miserable becuase it wasn't really what I wanted to do. I let other people's mood affect my moods even in my 3D life.
T2, bless your heart, I know from the beginning you've want to kick H's *ss, but I've never been that way--secretly but would NEVER follow through.
My sarcastic/blaming nature is more than gone with my H. Oh it was a big part of the breakdown of our R. That and my constant nagging/bitching! So when he accuses me of it now, well I know darn well he doesn't know what he's talking about, I'm more amazed than anything else I guess. That is still stuck in the past.
Maybe it IS time for me to start being more honest with H.
I have one vent, when H does stay at OW's she gives him food. Last night he took a granola bar out of his lunch box and it was laying on the counter. I unwrapped it and threw in the field next door for the mice and rabbits to eat!
That I'm making lunch for him and that OW is doing the same makes me cringe some days. This was a complaint of H's and I'm sure H told OW about it and thus the reason OW's sure to give him food. Yuck! Makes ME not want to.
Cathy
Good Morning,
Quote:
At times it seems like you do - like saying I am sorry you feel that way - when he said he couldn't live with you any more.
The question I would put to him should he say that again is "I really think it is you that you can't live with any more. I love unconditionally and I want to see you happy and healthy. I will be here to help you do that when you are ready."
Would that work? Just a thought.
I think turning things back to him, letting him take responsibility for his actions might help him wake up and smell the coffee. YOu are in no way to blame for his behavior.
Quote:
You can't control his reactions, but you don't deserve the backlash! Validate his feeling, but I think you need to let it be known you are not the bad guy here! There's no need to point out who it is. Deep down we all know who it is, including the culprit! Just don't allow the blame to be shifted onto your shoulders. "Gee, I feel terrible that you ended up feeling this way. I wish it didn't turn out the way that it did, but I had no control over that!"
He has to stop using you as his scapegoat or he will never see you in a different light.
Quote:
On that note, since you can't mindread when your H want you to reach out for him, maybe each time he stresses out, can you get into the habit of asking him, "Do you want my help?"
That in itself is a form of reaching out and may work for your H.
Glad to hear H threat to move out was yet another empty one ...
Pulled these hear as I feel these posts are going to be very important moving forward. I really DO need to find a new way to act when H pulls his junk!
Quote:
Cathy, your H is the King of the pity party ... keep that in mind the next time he starts spewing and its time for you to come up with a way to tell yourself and him that you don't wish to be invited to them anymore.
H is the King of the Pity Party...this is a new perspective for me..here I thought I was the Queen of the Pity Party..and since these parties are something you have alone H can't come to mine nor I to his....hmmm this is an ahhh haaaa moment. When we're both having our own separate party, maybe like KAW says, pointing this out to H and then suggesting something fun would be a 180 and a way to put some humor into the moement.
I was thinking last night that I cannot give up yet on H as I haven't tried everything, I really haven't. I still can't stand up to him, turn the tables on HIM when he pulls his junk. Theres is more work to be done.
I need to reach, I need to push myself to be the person I know that I can be and THEN, maybe when I feel I have tried everything, when I have become the person that I know I can be, maybe then will be the time to give the ultimatimum, but till then I'm on this path.
I initiated ml with H last night, it's been two weeks 
made it about him, that I wanted him and he hugged me in a way that he hasn't in a long time.
Gotta get ready for work. Big day today a golf outing, I'm not golfing photolady for the day and running the outing!!!
Cathy
Hi Cathy,
Quote:
I was thinking last night that I cannot give up yet on H as I haven't tried everything, I really haven't. I still can't stand up to him, turn the tables on HIM when he pulls his junk. Theres is more work to be done.
You are the only that can decide this for yourself. I also think that you are strong enough to wait it out OR to decide that you've had enough.
Take care Cathy,
Minnie
Hi Cathy,
I feel exactly like what you are feeling right now. That we are not ready yet to call it quit despite the fact that we are very, very tired of this situation. I also just wish that we have a magic wand and can rectify the situation once and for all.
Most of the feelings that you are feeling now I can relate exactly. The thought of OW, how H may be treating OW, how H wants to seek Ow's approval and just leave us the LBS to rot. It is so unfair.
I've been staying up late nights and torture my brain trying to come up as to how best to deal with this situation, but maybe it is just best to leave it as it is for the moment and do nothing. Unless we are ready to call it quit, there's nothing much we can do about their behaviour and contact with OW. Its very difficult but you are strong, Cathy, you'll go through this..
Quote:
That we are not ready yet to call it quit despite the fact that we are very, very tired of this situation. I also just wish that we have a magic wand and can rectify the situation once and for all.
BnB! I totally agree! I've been separated for 17 months! If you find that magic wand, can I borrow it!?
I wish that I could forget ALL the happy memories. I loved the "good ole days". Love the memories, but right now those memories hurt!
Cathy,
HUGS! I also have not tried everything. So come on over to my curb or pull up a chair! I have been here over a year, so if I have to, I guess I can be here another!
Deb
Deb, here's for you....
**
**** Ping......
/ *
/
/
Good Morning,
Not much new to post. This week is a repeat of last week, outswing, inswing..outswing once again!
Cathy
Good Morning Cathy,
Ms. Queen of Patience.
Wishing you a great day!
Why thank you Pam!!
I think I'll post an update, just so it's on the record here for future reference.
Monday was the golf outing had a great day! H took son to t-ball, it was our turn to bring treats. H took the treats, made dinner for son and I got home late evening. Chatted a bit with H and then we all went to bed.
Tuesday H called me for something, don't remember what oh to see if I had made reservations for Friday night, which I did Got home, H had ants in his pants!! Couldn't sit still, mowed the lawn, reminded him that we were going to pick up dresser that I had asked him earlier in the day for his assistance with, actually the day before, too. H said "oh yeah I forgot about that" went with me to pick up a new dresser. Helped him move the old dresser out and the new dresser in. At one point we were laying the old mirror against a wall in the dining room. H thought we should put something against it and I didn't agree and H exploded. Accussed me of not caring about the walls, the house or anything. I just kind of stood there and didn't say a lot either. Deep down maybe I don't care about it as much as H does. H keeps very good care of his STUFF, but doesn't really do a lot inside the house. He likes to point things out to me that need to be done, but that's about it. After his little explosion things calmed down and I got strong and determined. We finished moving the furniture and H was more "calm" and caring after that. We then went out for a burger, came home and went to bed.
No contact from H at all yesterday. H was a no show last night. Driving into work this morning I see his truck parked at the bar, the only vehicle there...same ole same ole. H works on the other side of town from the bar, OW lives on other side of town from the bar...a good half hour to 45 minute drive so I'm sure she taxied H back to her house.
No call, nothing from H today so far. I did sleep very well last night
no anxiety or fear. I mean really what can I do about H at this point...absolutelyfreakingnothing! I've wasted too much of my energy and time on the worry and the fear.
Cathy
Cainier for this week, beginning June 26
Quote:
They say, 'You always hurt the one you love.' It may be true but it doesn't follow, from this, that you can protect your nearest and dearest by hating them. The road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but that doesn't mean the road to heaven is paved with bad ones. Too often in life, if something works out badly, we don't just make a minor modification to the plan, instead, we make dramatic, emphatic, U-turns. I think you know why I am saying all this. Just to be clear though, this week, you are only inches away from a big breakthrough so don't go travelling miles!
Cathy
Hey Cathy,
Good horoscope...exciting...
Where do you get this from? I see that Sage posts hers as well. Is this a service where you pay for your own horoscope? what?
Minnie
Hi Minnie,
Sage and I are both Gemini's, also.
Go to Underdog's post the link is there, Holdingon posted it...I can't find it right now
They guys name is "Canier"
Cathy
Hey Cathy,
Glad to hear that your golf outing went well. Lucky it was this week with the weather we've been having. How did your celeb do with taking photos all day? I've done that one before too - some celebs are okay and some live up to the "celeb" profile huh?
I'm sorry your H is in such a rut, but glad you can work around it to enjoy life with your S4. Your H must be exhausted from trying to juggle a split life, his drinking, his anger, etc. I am confident though that his lightbulb will come on and he will realize the love he has at home.
Hang in there - PATIENCE works - I know it!
On my way home from work yesterday I call H to see if he could pick up S I wanted to go and hit some golf balls.
H was on the lake in his boat, hadn’t worked all day. He had an eye appointment the night before and he couldn’t see out of one of his eyes, it was blurry. So he didn’t go into work.
Since he was out on the boat and it was such a nice day I asked him of S and I could join him. So we did, it was great!! We went to a restaurant on the lake for dinner, H was very subdued and quiet. We really had a great time. At one point I asked him when our other boat was going to be done as H had mentioned it should be soon. H said it’s in the works or something like that.
We boated around for awhile, we get home there are two message on answering machine one from a friend of mine the other from a call asking about the boat for sale and that he doesn’t live too far from where the boat is for sale!! YES!! H wasn’t home yet, even though we had left the boat launch before him. When I heard the message I tried my hardest to not ASSume it was at OW’s! H arrives comes in the house is on his cell talking to someone about the boat for sale.
I asked him where’s the boat? H tells me at OW’s. This moron puts our boat on OW’s lawn to sell it because “she was nice enough to let him.” I asked him when he took there, H said last night. I said so after your eye appointment you take the boat to OW’s and then go to the bar. Did she ride with you there I ask? H said no. I said did you invite her to the bar? H said no, she just showed up there. I asked why and H said I don’t know why don’t you call her.
I brought up last week when H ended up there two days and it was like he didn’t remember or didn’t want to remember any of our conversation. His truck was fixed in less than three hours and he kept telling me he didn’t know when it was going to be done. I asked him how he got to our house, SS brought him to our house and then I asked if OW picked him up here and he said no. I’m not going to rehash last week, but the guy is insane or losing his mind.
Our whole conversation was a lie that made me nuts and I WASTED my energy, yes I’m finally seeing the light.
H was backing his boat into the garage last night, I asked him if he needed help and he said “no OW will help” like the smarta** that he is, and then I said I’m sure she would have bought the boat for you and he said I know she would have. That’s why I bought it myself, it would just be a reason for her to get me back there. So OW is trying to get H to move back there. I then said she’d do anything to break up a marriage.
We’re going away tonight for one night. Last night H said to me in the bathroom that I should be sure and be here by 4. I said I will and then I said what if you have to work late. H said well that could happen, but “I’d rather you be waiting on me then me be waiting on you” selfishly. I said “me, me, me” and he said well that’s just the way it is..the man’s insane. I’m sorry to keep saying that, he’s in major ME mode. I then said that I was leaving early and he completely changed his mood to “why are you leaving early, Are you golfing” I just said I’ll be here H.
Yes we’re going away for the weekend. How can H live this double life and think everything’s okay. That he can put his boat for sale at OW’s and she’s not going to perceive it as something different, that’s she’s being nice to get H back there.
My H is a selfish, selfish person and using OW, IMHO. She doesn’t see it that way I’m sure, H knows she’s trying to get him to move back there and takes advantage of OW “kindness.” Oh my H has a hand in this, too. Loves it that she takes care of him, drives him home from the bar.
My Patience is wearing thin these days. I have detached to a new level, I’m seeing a lot more lately, that H is a teenage right now. I can see what’s going to happen down the road, the bomb that’s going to go off. OW is going to keep pushing H to move back with her. She’s getting crumbs right now, even though H says he doesn’t want to be with “me” the he wants to get away from me his actions are saying different. OW is sitting by herself while he’s away with his family, his wife. I can see what’s going to happen if H keeps us his craziness. It really does seem like things are getting worse with H or maybe it’s just that’s he’s answering my questions about OW and I’m finally seeing the craziness whereas I usually don’t ask about any of his other “activities."
I'm getting to the point where I really don't care that much about H, either he comes out of his fog or he doesn't. If I'm here when he does, well that remains to be seen
Cathy
Cathy,
We seem to have reached a similar space concerning H. Are they clones? The alien mothership certainly has them now.
All of my H's talk/temporary actions during the early part of the week were lies. Or maybe not. Maybe it is just more of the crazy mindset they exist in.
Like you I'm tired. I'm tired of the lies, tired of being on guard to what is true and what isn't. Isn't it a good feeling to be so detached?
Cathy,
Nice chatting with you today! So I don't have anything to post here! But hey, we solved the worlds problems!
Deb
Hey Cathy!
I'm glad that you are getting some family time this weekend. It will be good for all of you to leave home (and the OW) behind for a few days.
Have a great weekend. Catch a fish for me okay? We don't have any plans that I am aware of - not unusual for us as H hates pulling the boat in 4th traffic. But who know what will develop.
Have fun and catch you later.
Cathy -
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I really appreciate it. I've noticed that members don't post much on the weekends, especially holiday ones.
My H and you are both Geminis. When I was reading the Cainercast, the first time I read it with H in mind and I was hoping that it really related.
Now here you are on the other side of the spectrum, but the same sign nonetheless. I could see where it would relate to you.
I think we can read into these a LOT. This is SO much fun!!
Here's Gemini:
GEMINI
(May 22 - June 22)
Things ain't what they used to be, nor will they ever be that way again. Is this bad or good? It's neither; merely a fact to face and adapt to. You're seeing a new side to an old friend. A situation has already altered substantially and soon, the balance of power will shift further in your favour. That's comforting in one way, confusing in another. You liked the way you THOUGHT things were, even if you inwardly knew something was wrong. You are making sense of a subject that once had you baffled. You're better off for what you now know and soon, you'll be even better off for what you are about to discover.
Hugs,
Mary
Hi Mary,
Thanks for posting this and isn't it amazing that you feel the horoscope is speaking directly to you, yet there are thousands of Gemini's who are reading the exact same words. Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.
Quote:
You are making sense of a subject that once had you baffled.
I don't know how to put it into words but MLC is all making sense. I've read about it, thought about it, looked back over the last year, looked at where I've been, where H has been, all the things H has told me since the bomb and now the pieces are all fitting together. I know what I need to do.
Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers as I do all of you here.
Cathy
Hi Cathy,
I hope the rest of your weekend was good.
Enjoy your week off! What are you going to do?
Minnie
Update/Journaling
When I wrote that I know what I need to do now, I meant that I need to continue on my path, my walk with the Lord, becoming more spiritual. Another door has been opened to me, I’m being allowed to see things that I didn’t see before without all the emotions this time. I've been revisiting the last year, feflecting, looking at things H did/said and seeing them differently now.
Saturday night H took off north to fish and I didn’t talk to him until this morning. Had S4 leave him a message Sunday night that we were going to local fireworks show and that we missed him. Other than that no contact from H.
Big fireworks show for our area was scheduled for Saturday but was rained out, rescheduled for last night. Since I’m on vacation this week took S to that show with my sis and her family. It was fabulous, I must admit I did miss H a bit. Seeing mostly families and it being just S and I. Just to be able to see the excitement of S and his face was worth the hassle of traffic jams afterwards.
When we got home which was late, H was asleep and I didn’t wake him.
Woke up this morning, took a shower and was drying my hair when H called. We talked a bit, H asked what prompted me to take son to fireworks and said I didn’t have to work today. H said you’re off, I said I’m on vacation all week. H said I never told him. I told him awhile back and the two days when H was at OW’s H ASKED me if was still taking vacation that week which I affirmed. I reminded H of that and he said he didn’t remember. I think those two days are lost in H’s memory, I really don’t think he remembers a lot of our conversations during that time.
Hung up H called back again asked me if I knew of someplace he could have his truck looked at, it’s leaking oil or transmission fluid which it’s been doing since Friday. I said I could talk to my brother and get it in there. H said well we’ll be short a vehicle are you going to take me to work and pick me up? I said we’ll work something out, I can borrow a vehicle from on of my family members. Hung up again.
H calls back for the third time, wants my brother’s number and I gave it to him. Said he was going to call there and I said ask brother if you can just trade vehicles, he can pick your truck up and take it to work with him and you can drive his truck. H said he didn’t feel comfortable asking my B.
At that point S got up and H wanted to talk to S. H was asking S if he wanted to play tonight, baseball. So I grabbed the other phone and called my brother about getting the truck in and trading vehicles and B said that would be fine, he could pick up H’s truck tonight.
So I get back on with H and tell him the plan and H said “thank you” and then we hung up. (positive) This is the same man who had truck problems two weeks ago and “blamed” me for not calling him to help him out. Spent two days at OW’s and from what I’m seeing/hearing now doesn’t recall much of it.
H’s other boat is sitting on OW’s lawn. H has had a number of calls this weekend and thinks he’ll be able to sell it quickly as he’s had a number of offers already. A few people are looking at it right after work which means he'll be at OW's, but he did tell S he would be home to play with him and since H hasn't seen him for a few days I think he'll be here.
I am being shown that H is using OW, she is letting H use her in the hopes of getting H to come back to her. OW is using H in the hopes of ending her pain, so that she won’t have to hit her rock bottom and deal with the loss of her H two years ago and deal with the fact that she got involved with another woman’s husband. She will and is doing anything to get him back and H will take what she has to offer when it suits his needs. H can’t have both of us, at some point he’s going to have decide and break it off with her completely.
I’m in the process of painting S’s room, have to tape it off and go get some supplies. Another change in the house. I want to eventually give it a whole new look, make it a place where H feels comfortable, feels at home. I started this last summer and then there was a long pause and now I’m back on track.
Hi Minnie! Painting should take today and tomorrow along with just doing things around the house and shopping. Thursay a friend and I are golfing, having a little outing. Friday take S to visit H's jobsite. I'm really just relaxing, maybe se a movie at some point.
Cathy
Hi Cathy - I'm utterly amazed at your detachment - I want to be there too
Hope you continue to have a relaxing time. Slowly
Good Morning.
Tuesday night H spent most of the evening with the guy purchasing H’s boat AT OW’s Well he wasn’t there the whole night, the guy wanted to take the boat out on the lake for a ride, once H got the boat out of the water and since he had it hooked up to his truck, guy wanted H to haul the boat to the his house. Which to me means, they stopped at OW’s to pick up guys car and headed to guys house and then H came home. H also had a copy of an email from a CJ who works with OW, some fishing info for this weekend. It was laying on the counter and asked H who "CJ" was and he told me, works with OW and liked to fish. The same CJ who we ran into a few weeks ago at a park, he was there is two girls and H, S and I were together. He's the one who looked tentative about approaching H as I was with him.
H did call on his way home though and said to me “called to let you know I haven’t forgotten about you guys” and then told me the above!
Yesterday I pained S’s room! S’s room was a bright blue and I had to prime it and then paint it. Yikes! My roller broke at one point..cheap thing. So I had to run out and buy a new one, if this one broke I was going to write a letter and get my money back! But the room is done and it looks really good..well okay good. Good enough until I paint it again.
H was working on his fishing stuff most of the evening which meant S was wanting to help me paint. I did give him a little job to do. At one point I went out to H and asked him if he had anything for S to do out there, with a little smile on my face. H said "no" with a look of horror.
Since I was alone most of the day had a lot of thoughts flying through my mind. I keep going back to when this all started and before H moved back home, opening Pandora’s box again. But, it doesn’t feel like Pandora’s box, it’s not as awful. All the emotions aren’t there, some are, but not all and they’re different. I don’t know if this is normal, but I can’t stop myself. Maybe I have to do this to shut the door and move on, another step in the process.
I've also been looking at the time since I met H and going back through our history, without all the emotion, as a vistor to our story. I'm getting a whole new perspective.
Interactions with H have been great, it's like there isn't an OW involved, "a past" we're just a family. At one point during the evening, H came into the house and called my name. I went to see what he wanted and he was walking towards me. Usually my H just says my name and it’s my clue that I go to him. While he was working on his boat, a person stopped and asked him if we wanted to sell our house? I said no they didn’t. H said yes, the man was looking for a house to buy for his son and he liked the location of our lot, cul de sac, lots of trees, large lot and quiet, yet close to the city. I said what did you tell him and H said no we’re not selling it.
When we were out to eat last Friday we were seated next a to a table with three older couples, older than us even! And when they got up to leave they complimented us on how well behaved our S was. H said he saw the man watching S most of the evening and smiling.
Son’s room is painted! Yippee!! I’m golfing with my friend P this afternoon and the sun is out and it’s going to be a fantastic day!
Cathy
Hi Cathy!
Wow! You painted your son's room! What color is it now?
Sounds like things are going well and smooth with H. Your patience and perseverance are paying off.
Have a great time golfing today!
Minnie
Hey Cathy!
I meant to drop by and congratulate you on the HUG the other night - wooohooo! Yeah for you!
Nothing is ever to small to notice or appreciate in this DBing stuff - not in my book anyway. I think those small movements toward us are very telling - and you need to enjoy them.
So what is your son's room like now? I saw the cutest little boys room done on one of the decorating shows the other night - makes me want to do one of my guys like it - but since I just did theirs - no way!
I do have to do the two bathrooms still, but the rest of the place is done. Still haven't done the floors but H is finishing up the new sliding glass door - had to finish mudding the sheetrock. He is out buying the new trim right now.
Yeah for that boat being gone and yeah for your H coming home afterwards. Maybe soon all the ties will be broken? One can only hope! I am praying this is the case for you.
Enjoy your last day of vacation from work! Hope your golf outing was great today too!
May be around tomorrow, but going to a MLB game tomorrow night....
Hi Totite and Minnie,
S’s room was a pretty blue and is now a tan. I’m going to try to pull off an outdoor theme. Bought a moose and bear stamp, also have a bear paw stencil and a pinecone stencil. Will try to do a border of pinecones or the animals. H has some deer horns that I was going to use as curtain rods or window borders..grand ideas don’t know what I’ll be able to pull off though.
Yesterday as I was getting ready to take S to daycare I found a copied map on the counter with writing on it, it was OW’s handwriting and it was a map of fishing spots for H to use on Saturday in his tournament. Well you can imagine what started going through my mind, “was she with him last weekend” and marked off spots for H? And why is she writing on maps and giving them to H. Well I debated and called H and asked him about it.
I asked him who’s map it was, was she helping him fish and I recognized her handwriting. H seemed confused at first and then said a guy she works with marked off the map and he didn’t know who’s handwriting it was that maybe he told OW what to write. H said she doesn’t know anything about fishing, the guys she works with do. I said I’m sorry to bring it up but it was laying on the counter and I saw it. You shouldn’t let that kind of stuff lay around for me to see becuasse I'm going to say something. I then asked if OW had stuff of mine laying around her house? I mean come on.
H then said I told you I’m still going back and forth and I’ll keep going back and forth until one of you gets sick of it. I said well I’m not going to be sick of it because WE ARE married. H then said he’s exhausted, no wonder I’m so tired, I’m sick of this. I said you’ve been saying that since last September. H said I know, but I’m sick of this and I’m going to do something!
He then went on to say that he lived with her for nine months, how he has feelings for her he doesn’t want to be mean to her, she’s nice to him, is always doing stuff for him. H said she knows what I need before I even do! She lives way out in the country by herself, I'm sure she's got a good sob story going that she tells my H to make him feel sorry for her. H also said that he doesn’t want to be mean to me either..which was kind of interesting. I told H I understand he was having a hard time, validated him. I asked H how long this OW thing was going to go and what if it’s three years? Well it won’t I’m sick of it. I said what if it was me with another man and H said I would have dumped you right away. I said is that what you were hoping I would have done? H said not necessarily.
I then said you are her life H, she has nothing else. Does she have a child? No, but I do and if I didn’t then I’d be able to devote all my time to you (thinking to myself, well not ALL of it, but more). He then said he has to “ask me” to do things. I’m thinking what is so wrong about having to ask. When I am asked I help out, always have always will. Sometimes I anticipate and think ahead.
H then said the night of the storm he felt so F***** bad that he was at OW’s, thought to himself what the F*** am I doing here and that you and S were here without me and would I be smart enough to take S to the basement and on and on. I said I remember S was scared wished you were here.
H then said OW wants to take him on some grand trip for his 50th birthday, it’s in December, so if he’s not around that’s who he’s with. I said how do you know I don’t have plans for you and H said “well you don’t” I said it’s six months away! I said if she’s thinking that far ahead then she obviously knows something I don’t. I asked H if OW had bought the tickets yet and H said no he wouldn’t LET her buy them.
He then said OW wanted to buy a boat, wanted to the buy the boat for H? I said why did she sell the one she had? H said he didn’t know, she flipped out and now thinks she wants a boat. I said she wants a boat to be with you. I mean what is wrong with this woman anyways, she’s trying to spend all her life insurance money from her deceased H on my H. H said she really didn’t get as much as he thought she had and that she’s already spent a good chunk of it on house remodeling. H told if she was buying a boat that it didn’t mean he was going to move back there or to think that he was going to move back. H also told her to keep that money in cased she needed it for something down the road, to not spend her money on him. I remember H used to joke to me years ago that it would be nice to have a woman buy HIM things...be careful what you wish for isn't that the saying??
H told me that he’s told her to move on, to find somebody else, but she won’t she keeps pursuing him(my words). I said what do you tell her about us? He paused and didn’t really answer, OW more than likely thinks he’s here for S, that he’s not happy with me. H asked me if I thought he was here for S? I said no I don’t think YOU are! H said yes I am. I said I really don’t think you are. If I’m reading into this question correctly, H and I haven’t been doing anything together recently, in fact for a long time, so maybe I need to plan a few dates for us. Or maybe it was just H trying to convince himself that he only is here for our S.
At that point H had to hang up as he was busy at work. I started to spiral, get upset but got on the treadmill, told myself come on Cathy, remember yesterday when you were watching the Banger Sisters you started crying during that too. Brought back old memories…no I wasn’t a groupie, just fun things I used to do. Told myself my emotions are really close to the top lately and this is just another one of those things that makes me emotional. I quickly recovered and didn’t “go there” and started to think of all the positives from our conversation, from the last few weeks and am thinking H is stuck and can’t get rid of OW so he’s not doing anything.
Also the fact that the call was from home, I wasn’t at work, was able to do something to stop the “crazies” from coming helped tremendously.
As I was driving to meet my friend P, something from the our conversation bugged me. When H told me OW was planning a trip, going to buy a boat I told H “I can’t compete with that” well why should I have to compete with that and I’m not going to compete. I wanted to call H to retract the statement, but for some reason didn’t.
As I was getting closer to P’s house, H called me to tell me he could pick S up tonight. He could take S with him on his errands and then go out to eat. Then asked me if I was going to be back and did I want to eat. I told H I would be back in time to eat, that I was just golfing and then stopping to visit H’s parents for a bit who I haven’t seen in awhile. I did tell H I wanted to retract the statement about competing. That I wasn’t going to compete, that I shouldn’t have to compete and he either liked me or he didn’t, that it wasn’t a competition. H said that’s what I told OW too, this isn’t a competition.
We went to dinner at Red Lobster, what a treat, with S’s. H finished getting ready for his trip, put S to bed, and H and I went to bed. H and I ml and H reached out to me to say goodnight and give me a kiss..this is also something that H hasn’t done in quite a while..reached out to me first.
Cathy
Cathy,
I am a Gemini too. (6/14th)
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H then said I told you I’m still going back and forth and I’ll keep going back and forth until one of you gets sick of it.
I think that says it all. Your H is admitting he gets his cake and eats it too. Have you read the book by James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough?"
I think your H would come around and respect you more if you gave him some boundaries of what you will and won't accept. You can either tell him or email him, or show it through your actions.....Get a life, act as if everything is fine, don't show jealousy, don't be so available, don't answer all calls, let your H see that he could be loosing you, etc....
I bet if your H sensed he could lose you then he would start pursuing you. Do you have any male friends that could start calling the house more?
It's easier to look at someone else's sitch and view it objectively, compared to looking at our own sitch's. I definately speak from experience.
It is great that your H is home with you and not with OW. I think the more OW pursues your H and the less you pursue H, the better.
Nik
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H then said I told you I’m still going back and forth and I’ll keep going back and forth until one of you gets sick of it.
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I think that says it all. Your H is admitting he gets his cake and eats it too. Have you read the book by James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough?"
I agree with nikatnight, it's time for some "tough love". If you haven't read this book......try it. It just may help you with a different approach for your H.....with some different results.
You and your H have been dancing to the same tune for quite some time now. (I've been following your posts for awhile). I love to read about saved marriages and kept following in hopes that yours will be one.
I feel for you Cathy, your H doesn't sound like an easy individual to live with, MCL or not! It seems as if you're always on eggshells when he's around, always careful not to "upset the applecart". That's no way to live.
I have been where you are about the "competing" thing with an OW too. I DB'd my butt off, I validated, listend and used every ounce of patience I had. Then enough became enough for me. My self-respect finally had enough and I told my H that if I wanted competition, I would join a beauty pageant! I made the decision for him. He was free to have his OW, I was stepping out of the picture, he wasn't having his cake and eating it too at my table any longer! I made the decision to just let go of the marriage.
We made it to one mediation session to start our divorce proceedings and within 24 hours of the session, my H wanted to save our marriage. He was now the one begging and pleading! We've been back together now for 1 1/2 years.
I'm not saying that your "tough love" approach will yield the same results, but you will at least have saved some dignity.
This is just my 2 cents, take it for what you will.
Good luck to you Cathy! You have a TREMENDOUS amount of will and patience and I give you tons of credit. I believe you are an angel in disguise
Chelsea
Hi Cathy,
I like what you said about not competing with the Ow. She is doing just that - she is trying to buy your H's affections and attention. If he needs it pointed out to him again, you were right when you said that he is her life. She has noone else relying on her (you do), she has more expendable income since she lives alone (you don't), etc, etc.
I think you do a great job of living your own life.
Maybe planning a special trip for the two of you is a good idea. Ever thought of doing a fly-in fishing trip? I can give you some names of places you would enjoy too. He would love that wouldn't he? And just think - no cell phones will work up there - it would be just the two of you.....
Do it sooner than later. Also, I would tell H that you think that for his 50th birthday that you think he needs to be home with his family. Tell him that it is really presumptuous of OW to plan an event at a time when family should come first....
I still think that your H is making those ever-so-tiny steps back toward you. THink about it - he initiated the hug last week, the good night kiss last night - what could be next?
Now you initiate some things for the two of you. The trip would be a biggie. How about setting up your bedroom with some new candles, a romantic or raunchy DVD (hey you never know - LOL!) and a cool beverage, some strawberries and chocolate....
(I might have to do that too - come to think of it!)
Hang in there girlfriend - you are awesome!
Hi Cathy,
I agree with totite that your H is inching his way towards you. Stay the course but only if you want to. You have been through so much and have shown how strong, determined and patient you are.
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I think you do a great job of living your own life.
I agree....you're independent, smart, social AND also value family.
Remember...focus on the positives.
Hope you have a great weekend!
Minnie
Hi Nik,
Maybe he is cake eating/fence sitting but the tone of his voice was not that of a happy person, more of a person stuck in his own trap.
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I think the more OW pursues your H and the less you pursue H, the better.
We have been getting along much better and yesterday it was a little too much even for me. I do need to back off and not PURSUE H, just be his friend. Gave me money before he left, H hasn't done that since last summer either. I gave him some snacks to take along with him in his boat today and H even tried to fix our lawnmower before he left yesterday to go fishing. Hmmmm...usually he's in such a hurry to go and yesterday it was like he could care less. It was all of a sudden no big deal, this fishing thing.
My actions do speak "I have a life" and the acting as if is who I am now. The "I have a life" actions are what got me in trouble to begin with, I had too much of a life and not enough time for H. Didn't give him enough attention, affection so I have to watch this a little bit. H knows I'm very capable of having my own life and getting along without him.
In the last few months, my family has become really imporant to me, my two sons and spending time with them. They are my priority as is my H, but my H can't have things both ways forever. At some point H WILL have to choose whether he wants to or not.
Cathy
Hi Chelsea,
I just put the order in for Dr. Dobson's book along with a few others relating to brining up boys and a strong willed child. Yep I have a S4 with an attitude all his own and such a level headed, smart SS20 who is wise beyond his years.
I'm not quite at the point where I want to walk or make a decision for H, but this can't go on forever, that I do know.
I'll have to check your thread, thanks for stopping by.
An Angel in disguise I don't know about that, but I do have angels all around me.
Cathy
Ramblings and thoughts,
I just don’t know what’s gotten into the both of us anymore. We’re both talking like we have a future together. We’re making plans for more than a few days out, H is telling me his plans and I’m listening. That was yesterday.
I’m getting confused, forgetting we have a “problem” in our life. H’s mood is good, he even said “I need to wean myself” or should I say mumbled something like that, I’m sure he was referring to OW. Maybe he’s seeing that that R is going nowhere or maybe he’s “awakening” some, I really don’t know, but the baby steps are there, the STEPS are there and noticeable.
He’s admitting how tired he is, how exhausting his life is, that he knows why it’s so tiring, the RUNNING as he refers to it. He admitted yesterday he is just beat, his body feels beaten and he is TIRED.
Last night at dinner, I noticed him looking at me, just looking at me and then I averted my eyes and looked up again and he was watching S and smiling.
He’s flirty with me, he’s talking to me like a real person, we’re having small real conversations. Oh there are moments like last night when I was trying to cook dinner, bathe S and help H on the computer. I was being pulled three different ways, I am a multitasker so was handling it well till H said “is the chicken burning?” as he was sitting at the computer and I was in the bathroom with S. He did start to get up, but I ran to get it off the stove and made the comment that I’m doing three different things and H said “that’s your job” it kind of ticked me off a little, but then reminded myself, for now, I'm doing this for the Lord. H has always been this way, so it really doesn't come as a surprise, just something to think about for now. Don’t want to upset the applecart too soon, so will keep it in my “to do” file for later. I’m reading M/V want to finish the book, absorb the book so I know what I’m doing, what I’m dealing with. I’ve never entered the male mind and it’s interesting to read what it’s all about. The female mind is even more interesting.
Last night H and S went to bed at the same time, early! I had time to read, relax and after the day I had with our S. He’s a strong willed, independent, feisty little guy and there are days it takes all my strength to keep from…well I won’t even go there, he is a challenge. That time to myself was a gift from my H, it’s little things like that give me the strength to deal with our S, with my life, with our R. Even though H more than likely doesn’t realize he gave me a gift, I think a thank you is in order. A thank you for being a wonderful father to our S and that by taking S to bed with H, for whatever reason, it ended up being a gift of time for me.
Cathy
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for now, I'm doing this for the Lord
I need to keep telling myself this.
Thanks PAM!! Although it's going to get confusing don't you think? I really like the feel/name of the my new thread, this one makes me feel bogged down!!
Cathy
Then we definitely need to move so you don't feel bogged down!!