H is home! Marriage wins! - 06/07/04 04:13 PM
Hi everyone. I am warning you that this is a long but important post.
Sorry for the week of lurking and little posting. As you can imagine, it has been crazy around here with H moving home and school ending too!
So to bring you all up to speed...on Tuesday May 25, as my H was leaving for the night, my S3 said his usual "pack up and come home". My H had been saying "I hear you", but this time said "tomorrow". I didn't say a word, and quite frankly, forgot about it.
So then Wed night, the kids and I were leaving to take D9 to friend's house. A friend of my H's comes to the door and says he has some stuff to drop off. I said okay and follow him outside. There in the driveway is my H's truck - full of his things! He was really moving home. He smiled and said, "what? you think I would tell him that and not do it?".
The next few days were spent pretty much shell-shocked by me and the kids. Luckily there was alot going on at school to keep us busy.
Then Friday night, his friend and another buddy met him at the apartment to bring the larger furniture here. I was busily cleaning the house and making room for the couch and chair, etc. In the garage there was a large duffle bag that I couldn't even lift. So, to get it out of the way, I figured I would just empty it and put it away.
I put the clothes away and then took out a box that contained his change bag (he had taken it out of the jar to transport it). Also in the box were several greeting cards - addressed to H, but not from me. No return address, just written to his name, his nickname and an endearment. Yes - I snooped! I opened two of them - a birthday card and a Christmas card - both signed "love me" but not from me. Needless to say, I felt like I got kicked in the gut. I wanted to open the rest, but didn't. I put the stuff away and continued to make the house ready for his stuff.
Remember, I was sure there was no OW in this whole sitch, so you can imagine what I was feeling and experiencing.
Later, I was in bed reading DR (the chapter on infidelity that I had previously skipped - because there was no OW in our sitch). My H came in and asked what was wrong. I told him that I was so happy that he was home, and that I was just trying to help - and that I had emptied the bag, found the cards and opened a few of them. I said, "my curiosity got to me and ruined what should be a great evening". He said, "I am here aren't I? It was nothing."
Well, of course I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. He went back outside - I figured he had to close the garage door. So I went out to talk to him more, and just as I started to open the garage door, I heard his friend's voice. Then my H said, she was just a friend that I hung out and had fun with - I never had a woman at the apartment and never spent the night anywhere but there or at another guy friend's house.
I shut the door and went back inside. I went to bed and he came in shortly after that. He held me tight, and I told him that I was still reeling from the finding the cards and that I would have questions that needed answering but not now. I said I need to know you are here for me too - and he said, if it were just for the kids, I wouldn't be here.
So he held me some more and then we
. He stayed close all night and woke me for more . (ML has been a daily occurance for the past week - whew! Who needs a workout when your WAH comes home! 
)
The weekend progressed and one of his buddies called to ask my H to take him to the bar to pick up his vehicle. H asked if it was okay and I said sure. He said it would be an hour or so. When I hesitated, he said what? I said, well, it is hard not knowing if you will run into her there. He said there is no her, and hasn't been for a long time, and it was only a friendship anyway. So he went and called home when he got delayed.
I let the whole topic go and concentrated on us adjusting back to being an in-tact family. But at night, I would wake up and all of the scenarios would run through my brain - who was she? when did it start? was it a EA or PA? when did it end? who ended it?
I knew if I didn't ask the questions, not knowing the answers would make me crazy and be a invisible wall between us. But, I had to work up the courage to ask. I prayed for the opportunity and it came.
Yesterday, H's friend called to meet for a quick beer. I said, go ahead but he must have sensed my questions. He went outside. I made sure the kids were occupied, and went out too. I said, I have never been one to track your whereabouts and I don't want to start now. Yes, it is nice to know where you are and if you will be delayed, but I don't want to turn into a suspicious person. I asked him to consider how he would feel if he found out I was out with a guy all the time and that guy loved me. This was asked nicely and not sarcastically - and then dropped.
Then, I said, my hesitation comes in not knowing the answers to some of my questions. I asked who she was and he said a friend of someone from work. I asked how involved they were - and he said they weren't. He said this is someone he wanted to be friends with and she wanted more. He told her he wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. I said do you still see her? He said he hasn't seen her in at least 3 months (which I believe as he has been here every waking hour since the holidays). I said it is hard to see cards to him that aren't from me. I eve said that I have cards here meant for him but now may not give them to him as they may not mean as much.
He started teasing me about the fact that I sign my cards "love me" and I said, yes, but that is only to you. That is why it hurt so much.
So it was a good conversation. We also talked a bit about some other stuff and at one point I said, you were so angry back when you moved out that I don't know what you might have done. He seemed to acknowledge that without becoming defensive.
So gang, thanks to the support I got from this BB - especially Cathy, Deb, Opt, Pam, Akgal, HoldingOn, T2, and JJ, I think we have a success story in the making!
I will keep journaling now as I know the work has just begun.
One observation I would like to make is that we talk about ACTING "AS IF". Well, even though I used this language too, I have to disagree with it now. I didn't ACT "as if" for the past 9 months. I LIVED "as if". Acting means that you can stop doing it at some point. Living it means that it is ingrained in your daily life.
I am not going anywhere, I will still need ongoing wisdom, support and friendship. My virtual family truly gave me my real life back.
In moments of uncertainly, I will still turn here (or Yahoo I guess) first (just like I did last Friday night - thanks HoldingOn!).
Positives:
1. My H is home!
2. DBing works - use it as a framework and find out what works for you!
3. This BB rocks!
4. My kids are adjusting well to having both mommy and daddy around.
5. H is planning for our future!
6. H's humor and good nature are back.
7. My H had the chance to have an affair and chose not to - this makes his return doubly sweet in my book.
Remaining question - was H in midlife crisis? I am guessing he was, will have to go back and read some more of that again.
H is home! H is home! H is home!
Sorry for the week of lurking and little posting. As you can imagine, it has been crazy around here with H moving home and school ending too!
So to bring you all up to speed...on Tuesday May 25, as my H was leaving for the night, my S3 said his usual "pack up and come home". My H had been saying "I hear you", but this time said "tomorrow". I didn't say a word, and quite frankly, forgot about it.
So then Wed night, the kids and I were leaving to take D9 to friend's house. A friend of my H's comes to the door and says he has some stuff to drop off. I said okay and follow him outside. There in the driveway is my H's truck - full of his things! He was really moving home. He smiled and said, "what? you think I would tell him that and not do it?".
The next few days were spent pretty much shell-shocked by me and the kids. Luckily there was alot going on at school to keep us busy.
Then Friday night, his friend and another buddy met him at the apartment to bring the larger furniture here. I was busily cleaning the house and making room for the couch and chair, etc. In the garage there was a large duffle bag that I couldn't even lift. So, to get it out of the way, I figured I would just empty it and put it away.
I put the clothes away and then took out a box that contained his change bag (he had taken it out of the jar to transport it). Also in the box were several greeting cards - addressed to H, but not from me. No return address, just written to his name, his nickname and an endearment. Yes - I snooped! I opened two of them - a birthday card and a Christmas card - both signed "love me" but not from me. Needless to say, I felt like I got kicked in the gut. I wanted to open the rest, but didn't. I put the stuff away and continued to make the house ready for his stuff.
Remember, I was sure there was no OW in this whole sitch, so you can imagine what I was feeling and experiencing.
Later, I was in bed reading DR (the chapter on infidelity that I had previously skipped - because there was no OW in our sitch). My H came in and asked what was wrong. I told him that I was so happy that he was home, and that I was just trying to help - and that I had emptied the bag, found the cards and opened a few of them. I said, "my curiosity got to me and ruined what should be a great evening". He said, "I am here aren't I? It was nothing."
Well, of course I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. He went back outside - I figured he had to close the garage door. So I went out to talk to him more, and just as I started to open the garage door, I heard his friend's voice. Then my H said, she was just a friend that I hung out and had fun with - I never had a woman at the apartment and never spent the night anywhere but there or at another guy friend's house.
I shut the door and went back inside. I went to bed and he came in shortly after that. He held me tight, and I told him that I was still reeling from the finding the cards and that I would have questions that needed answering but not now. I said I need to know you are here for me too - and he said, if it were just for the kids, I wouldn't be here.
So he held me some more and then we
. He stayed close all night and woke me for more . (ML has been a daily occurance for the past week - whew! Who needs a workout when your WAH comes home! )The weekend progressed and one of his buddies called to ask my H to take him to the bar to pick up his vehicle. H asked if it was okay and I said sure. He said it would be an hour or so. When I hesitated, he said what? I said, well, it is hard not knowing if you will run into her there. He said there is no her, and hasn't been for a long time, and it was only a friendship anyway. So he went and called home when he got delayed.
I let the whole topic go and concentrated on us adjusting back to being an in-tact family. But at night, I would wake up and all of the scenarios would run through my brain - who was she? when did it start? was it a EA or PA? when did it end? who ended it?
I knew if I didn't ask the questions, not knowing the answers would make me crazy and be a invisible wall between us. But, I had to work up the courage to ask. I prayed for the opportunity and it came.
Yesterday, H's friend called to meet for a quick beer. I said, go ahead but he must have sensed my questions. He went outside. I made sure the kids were occupied, and went out too. I said, I have never been one to track your whereabouts and I don't want to start now. Yes, it is nice to know where you are and if you will be delayed, but I don't want to turn into a suspicious person. I asked him to consider how he would feel if he found out I was out with a guy all the time and that guy loved me. This was asked nicely and not sarcastically - and then dropped.
Then, I said, my hesitation comes in not knowing the answers to some of my questions. I asked who she was and he said a friend of someone from work. I asked how involved they were - and he said they weren't. He said this is someone he wanted to be friends with and she wanted more. He told her he wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. I said do you still see her? He said he hasn't seen her in at least 3 months (which I believe as he has been here every waking hour since the holidays). I said it is hard to see cards to him that aren't from me. I eve said that I have cards here meant for him but now may not give them to him as they may not mean as much.
He started teasing me about the fact that I sign my cards "love me" and I said, yes, but that is only to you. That is why it hurt so much.
So it was a good conversation. We also talked a bit about some other stuff and at one point I said, you were so angry back when you moved out that I don't know what you might have done. He seemed to acknowledge that without becoming defensive.
So gang, thanks to the support I got from this BB - especially Cathy, Deb, Opt, Pam, Akgal, HoldingOn, T2, and JJ, I think we have a success story in the making!
I will keep journaling now as I know the work has just begun.
One observation I would like to make is that we talk about ACTING "AS IF". Well, even though I used this language too, I have to disagree with it now. I didn't ACT "as if" for the past 9 months. I LIVED "as if". Acting means that you can stop doing it at some point. Living it means that it is ingrained in your daily life.
I am not going anywhere, I will still need ongoing wisdom, support and friendship. My virtual family truly gave me my real life back.
In moments of uncertainly, I will still turn here (or Yahoo I guess) first (just like I did last Friday night - thanks HoldingOn!).
Positives:
1. My H is home!
2. DBing works - use it as a framework and find out what works for you!
3. This BB rocks!
4. My kids are adjusting well to having both mommy and daddy around.
5. H is planning for our future!
6. H's humor and good nature are back.
7. My H had the chance to have an affair and chose not to - this makes his return doubly sweet in my book.
Remaining question - was H in midlife crisis? I am guessing he was, will have to go back and read some more of that again.
H is home! H is home! H is home!
