Moving yet to another board.....

Divorcebusting.com

Here's the lastest link.... I started out posting at the Need Support board, moved on the Surving Divorce board and now to this board. Here's the link to more stories W&M Stories

In a nutshell: H left March 12 (6 months today [Smile]

) He didn't know why, except he wasn't happy. I filed for divorce on June 12 after he told me very matter of factly that it was over and he wasn't coming home, ever. I meet a guy on June 15, a great guy, which was every thing I was looking for. On July 23, H tells me he wants to come home. I told him I'd think about it. He goes off to FL to play ball and I think, debate, cry, talk, read, think some more. The "other guy" broke it off the night H told me he wanted to come home. He counseled me to give H a try, that I'd never know if he had changed if I didn't give him a chance. The "other guy" and I struck up our "friendship" again after about 3 days of not talking. On Wednesday July 31, I made a decision to tell H it was over, I didn't think we should be married anymore. That I was different, stronger, mature, that I had more confidence than ever, all of which is true. I told him all of this on Friday Aug 2. He wouldn't take NO for an answer. He said all the right things, did all the right things, promised all the right things. He turned words back on me that I had said to him in March. I began to soften, but I felt good. I had told him everything I wanted to. We've spent everything night and weekend together since Aug 2. Its been good. He is trying very hard to be the man I want. (And "other guy" is out of the picture.)

We've still got issues and I've still got issues. I'm so afraid this will all happen again, especially since he doesn't know why he left. He says he was selfish, stubborn, stupid. Those aren't answers, they are adjectives. We are going to counseling Wednesday. Hopefully after some digging, he'll come up with an answer. I honestly don't think there was anyone else, but there had to be some reason. I mean, even his friends say "there has to be a reason a man would leave his wife and child." I'm attractive, I'm not over weight, our DD is 5 (pretty high strung, but takes after him). He's only 33, so I'm not sure it was a MLC, and there wasn't any signs if it is/was.

Before he left in March, I gave him is way more often than not. But not anymore, I'm stronger and my plan is to make ME happy. If I'm happy, then everyone else will be happy. I promised myself and someone else, that I'd be strong enough to stand up for myself and tell him that I'm not happy and leave. I plan on keeping my promises, I just hope he does too.

W&M

Welcome! Your feelings sound very familiar as does your attitude. IMO you are right on track. Be cautious but enjoy everyday. Your inner strength is the key. My confusion is very similar to yours. My W hit MLC and did all sorts of strange, irresponsible things. She even told me to cheat on her so she would have "a reason to leave". I am successful, former male model, handy around the house, great dad, good sense of humor, and romantic. That MLC is a crazy thing. I like the "alien" reference as it is very accurate.

I believe in enjoying everyday with our SO as if it was the last. It is so worry to look too far ahead and lose focus on the R today. I think you are doing things very well. Keep "having fun" together and don't panic if he gets distant. Those days will happen. Just do your own thing and those "distant" times will shorten. It sounds over simplified but OR cause us to micro-manage and screw things up. I am trying to love my W and be a great H but there are no guarantees that she will reciprocate. That is okay too. If she doesn't love me and respect me, someone else will. It sounds like a "bad" attitude, but it is also realistic.

TBONE

Thanks tbone... your right... I'm confused. I'm still stuck in the defensive mode. I feel love for my H, but I'm not sure what kind. I'm working through the pain and broken promises and its hard.

And most will say my confusion is coming from the "OM", but I'm not sure its from him personally... or just the fact that I KNOW how I should be treated, what someone should be telling me everyday. I've had a little piece of heaven, someone telling me everyday that I'm beautiful, special, strong, that I make them happy just being me. I think every relationship should be like that. I want my H to appreciate me... I need to hear what he thinks of me. By him telling me that, it reinforces it within myself. And thats a good thing. It helps me be self confident and strong. And you know what... the more he tells me that, the more I'll tell him.

What worries me is that H is so intent on coming home (he's basically moved back in) that he doesn't get the fact that we are "working" on our relationship. That he is trying so hard that he won't see that I'm not happy. I've got to keep up my PMA to be strong and assertive. I also worry that I'll never let my guard down. I almost feel as I have a "what ever" attitude and it may never go away. I never want to hurt like I did in March. And I'm worried that because I can't let down my guard that I'll never be truly happy.

Sometime else.... H promised to stop going by the bar, promised to give up ball, drinking, dipping, hunting... whatever to make me happy. I know that I can't ask that or he won't be happy. But Friday he went by the bar. And then he played ball Saturday and is planing another tournament this weekend. Should I say something, or go on with life? What if his one stop a week at the bar turns into 2 days a week... then 3 times a week. I can't do it and I won't. I don't want to.

W&M

It sound like you are in a pretty detached state now. That is good condsidering what you need to do for the sake of your M. You should realize that I one of the more aggressive people on the BB and not everyone would be comfortable with the way I "handle" things. First of all, hold him to his promises. He made them, he can keep them. He his disrespecting you if breaks them. I am all for being open. Tell him exactly what you expect. That is fair because it is still his decision to do it or not. I have done this a couple of times with good success. Also ask him what he needs from the R. That gives you the opportunity to lead by example.

The OM distorting your thoughts is no different than when one of my W best friends told me what a "catch" I was. My W friend made me realize that I deserved better treatment. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated appropriately by our SO. If anything gain strength from what others say. It helps to gain back that strength that we so desperately need.

On tip that helped me a lot was to lower my expectations. You can ask just don't expect. Less chance for disapointment then and they don't feel as much pressure.

TBONE

No, TBone, I don't think you are aggressive. I'm all for saving my marriage, but I'm not going to be a doormat for him any longer or actually any man. I know that I deserve better. I get the feeling you feel the same way.

I'm currently reading "The Five Love Lanuages". I know that my love language is words of affirmation. But after 10 years of marriage to the same man, I don't know what his is. Isn't that sad? Talk about lack of intimate communication!

I did have H fill out a sheet that was prompted by my counselor. Its asks the simple questions of What do you like about W?, Your description/expectation of a good relationship/marriage?, List of my expection about W's behavior? He filled it out and only asked for trust and support for the last question. He knows I'm struggling with the trust. But the sheet also asked, Why do you want to come back?, And Why did you leave?
I filled out the same sheet. My list of expections or his behavior and a relationship is a lot longer than his. Does that make me high maintence? Or just the difference between men and women? I was encouraged that he filled out his sheet the night I gave it to him. We'll see what the counselor says tomorrow.

Thanks for your comments. I enjoy and respect the advice I've seen you give people. I agree totally with a lot of it. Tough love is hard, but well worth it.

There seems to be a wave of "tough lovers" ot there. I promised myself not to be a doormat ever. I got pushed pretty close because the alien showed up at a time of year where I work 13-14 hrs/day 6 days and some Sundays so I was emotionally drained by the end of the season. When I gained a little strength I made requests (not demands) of my W and when she has complied I show appreciation. I can't believe how far that has gotten me in only 3 months. I also have learned to read her needs better. She has times when she needs a ton of attention from me and other times when she needs her space. I am getting a very good understanding of those "swings" and that has helped dramatically. That is the root of my "enjoy yout good times" attitude. Make the most of the good times and get the heck out of there when you can't do anything right. I usually go exercise to relieve stress and typically by the time I am done we are both in better moods. I believe very strongly in using physical attractiveness to draw our SO back. Obviously it won't "close the deal" but it does get them thinking.

TBONE

Counseling was pretty good yesterday. I'm not sure what I expected, but the counselor took it slowly... probably because it was H's first session. I've been going since March 25. I did speak up for myself and tell H and the counselor that I wanted me marriage to work, but I didn't want the same marriage we had. That if that happended, I was out the door. Then after counseling, when H an I was walking to the car. I told him, that he had made promises to me and I expected him to hold up his end of the bargin. If he fell though, then I'd be asking him to leave. He understood and told me that he would not go back on his word.

The counselor said we will be redefining our relationship. We are more friends than H & W. I tend to agree and so did H. And its good that we are friends, but we need an "initmate" relationship also. And I don't mean sex, cause thats about the only thing that kept us from being just "roommates". But I don't know if we can do that. Its going to be a long hard road, I just H realizes it won't go back to normal overnight. I know it won't but, its hard to be patient.

W&M

This week has been hard. I'm second guessing every decision. Sometimes I wish I had no morals or conscience.

I'm gonna get flammed for this [Eek!]

, but this about the only place I can be totally honest.

I think I'm in love with "OM". I'm really trying to sort out those feelings. We only knew each other 7 weeks before H decides to come back home. And he(OM) pushed me back to H, saying I needed to give my family a try. I've been in contact with OM by phone, mostly because he is my support. I talk to him about everything... work, school, H, OR, everything. He is very supportive and very understanding. We are friends, first and for most. We support eachother. OM and I met under odd circumstance. A friend invited me to meet another guy, but I ended up interested and watching OM umpire a game. He says its fate we met... he wasn't suppose to be on 1st base side, wasn't suppose to be on the field he was on, wasn't even suppose to be umping the younger age group. And I was suppose to be meeting another guy. So we had a lot in our favor as far as meeting. Our first telephone converstation was 3 hours long. After that we had 2 more 3 hour converstations and lots of converstaions over 2 hours. He says I "saved" him from some serious self destructive things... one being his ex-OW, she was still coming around to make his life hell. He revealed a lot to me that no one else knows (like sucidial thoughts). We finished each other sentences, knew what kind of mood eachother was in by our voices, agreed on political views, religous views (OM is a Christian, H is not)... I believe we are soul mates. We have a connection that H and I have never had.

My life with OM would be wonderful. He's said and proved to me numerous times that he would make me happy. We would have no financial worries, he would make a great step-dad to my DD, and I would to his DD, the only thing would be my H. He would make my life a living hell, if possible. We would travel, visit things we've talked and dreamed about.

I'm really torn between whats right (giving my H a chance) and doing what makes me happy (being with OM). I know, I'm turning into that WAW... and I hate that label. Most people would love to be in my sit. H leaves and then miraculously reappears. And of course, there is DD. Her dad leaving again would totally devastate her. She's 5 and right now, having dad around 24/7 is heaven. To me, its not. This morning I actually felt sorry for him because I was a total bitch to him (but I've been that way with everyone today!)

I've got a lot to work on and a lot to pray about... which I did on the way to work this morning. I prayed that God will give me the wisdom and peace to make the decision that will glorify him, and then he'll give me the strength and peace to carry out that decision. I'm just having a hard time opening my heart and listening to God and what he is telling me to do. I guess I need to spend several days in prayer.

Here I am again... confused and stubbling!
W&M

I am continually amazed at the power of prayer. Yesteray I was in such shabbles.... I prayed and prayed and prayed (my prayers are more like just plain ole talk between friends) and it worked. I felt such a peace as H and I went into counseling. I even got that quicken in the pit of my stomach when H kissed me after our session... what a great feeling!!!

I know what I need to do... work on my marriage with H. I need to be commited to that until he shows me he isn't. I'm still guarded, still unsure if he can change... but boy is he trying. I'll stick it out and let him prove he can walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

On a happier note:
Since H left in March I've been shopping trucks.. Toyota Tacoma's to be exact and I found one last night... white double cab 2002. I love it... but waiting to hear if dealership will come down to my payments. Wish me luck!

W&M

Update:
This weekend was very normal. H went to help a friend seed a field most of Saturday morning. Then got a call to come to work which lasted all afternoon. I cooked supper Saturday night, then DD had to cheer. Sunday morning..... (ready for this!) he went to church with DD and I.

He is really trying hard. I've tried really hard myself, trying to be attentive, loving, just generally glad to have him home. But sometimes I catch myself second guessing why he came back. Especially the past two weeks when he's been living off me, not giving me any money and I've been running off savings. Or a comment that a girlfriend told me he said when asked about dating...."there's not anything out there" was his answer.... so was I the best he could get? I guess there will be some small nag of doubt for a while. When people ask if I'm happy, I shrug my shoulders and say yea... as happy as I can be.

I've thought about "OM", but not as much as last weekend. I feel a peace about him. I did find out that last weekend, he was have a bad weekend and thought about me a lot also... I really believe we are "connected" in some way- at least I can't answer why I thought about him so much. I still believe we are soulmates and some time or another, we'll be together.... even if thats an open friendship.

H and I have counseling again Wed... and have an assignment to turn in, I can't wait to see H's.

W&M

Well, I can tell things are going back to "normal" for H and I.... I've gained all but 5 lbs I lost when H left! UGH!!! I think some of it is because of our crazy schedules, the inablility to work out the 3 days a week I need and the fact that I'm pretty secure that someone wants to be with me. Or at least professes he does.... but H is no motivation for me. He says he loves me the way I am, which is good, but I need him to help motivate me too- to support the healthly eating and running/working out by doing it with me and help with encouragement.

Anyways tonight we are celebrating our 11 anniversary. Several months ago, I looked at this day and figured I'd be celebrating it with a bottle of wine and alone (or with somone else), but now I'll be celebrating it with a good meal, good wine and my H. I almost still can't believe he came home, and with such little effort on my part.

I still struggle with doubts that this wonderful bliss can continue and I feel things falling back into the "old" ways. The major differences... H doesn't go to the bar anymore (only occasionally - like once per week or less), H goes and does a lot more with me and DD, and H sleeps everynight with me, which has helped our sex life.

What I still need from H..... reassurance that I'm what he wants, that he thinks I'm beautiful and special, that he believes in me and my endevors (school, weight-loss), to be interested in what I did during the day, work or recreation. I just need a friend... and slowlee, slowlee, slowlee he's returning....... lets pray he stays.

W&M

Hi Cburch,
I dont usually hang out over here b/c my H is still lost, but somehow I am here tonight...divine intervention???

Your post about the other man sounds exactly like my H over in MLC. You must remember that what seems perfect now with OM, will not hold up...it is an illusion of Satan's. God never leads Christians to D. The whole bible is about reconciliation of adulterous Israel with husband God. God takes marriage very seriously...it isnot just about a set of rules...he means what he says, he has his reasons and they are good.
You said your H isnt a Christian. I suppose then that scripture would set you free if H refuses to live with you, but this is not God's choice for your marriage.

Please beware of Satan's illusions to get us from straying from the truth. God doesnt want you to D. He doesnt want any believer to D...he wants us to seek him and trust him for the reconciliation.

For your own soul please run to scripture, seek God and confess and repent of your emotional adultery or it will grow and haunt you. Satan is good at this game.

Glad things are going well w/H. When the doubts return, run to God, not OM.

Blessings sister...shockedandamazed

Cburch,
EXACTLY what shockedandamazed said!
From "I dont usually hang out over here b/c my H is still lost, but somehow I am here tonight...divine intervention???"
To "For your own soul please run to scripture, seek God and confess and repent of your emotional adultery or it will grow and haunt you. Satan is good at this game."
& everything in between.
This is an EA you have w/OM. A Christian man should end contact with you.

I am saying this with love in my heart.
LSL

Quoting Cburch:
I still struggle with doubts that this wonderful bliss can continue and I feel things falling back into the "old" ways. I just need a friend... and slowlee, slowlee, slowlee he's returning....... lets pray he stays.
W&M

I don't want to be flamed for this but I am not religous, but I do agree that things with the OM will fade. Just the same as in your relationship now. Think about the beginning of your relationship with H...I am sure you will filled with hope and dreams, just like the rest of us. I "think" the OM should be out of the picture totally or it will always be in the back fo your mind. I understand where you at as far as not sure why it seems so good right now. That is kind where I am...things are going really well with H, sex is great, conversation is going really well. Then I start to second guess myself. Question everything, and read into everything done or said. Fortunately I have an awesome therapist I can call anytime so I don't have to unleash it all on my H. Is there a therapist or someone else in your life you can really talk to besides the OM?~~~Bonnie

Friday night was very nice. We had a very good time. It was a great resturant, not quite as romantic as I had hoped for, but still nice to be there with H. We finished dinner then walked a bit downtown. Then back home. Saturday (which was our actual anniversary) was very normal. H did ask me Saturday night to put back on my wedding ring. He was pretty sweet about it. He said he asked me 11 years ago to wear and he was asking again. I put it on.... not sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but I did it.

Just a quick response to shockedandamazed & lsl..Thanks... my faith in God has gotten me through the hell I lived for 6 months, the friend that God put in my life helped rebuild my self esteem and confidence. And God worked heavily in my H's heart to bring him home. God also helped me make a decision to return to H and my family. One things I've learned in this hole mess is that God loves me unconditionally, which is something that faltered with my H, and shouldn't have and wouldn't have if he had God in his heart. H has gone to church with me twice since he left, but I know that he only goes because I want him to... not because he wants to. I can only pray that something he hears will turn his heart totally toward God.

W&M

Hey Bkmarsh... why would you get flammed? Thanks for you're response. Its nice to know that I'm not alone in my feelings... I hate to second guess everything that H does, but sometimes I can't help it. Like right now, our fincials are in terrible shape. Especially his.... I can't help to think he came home because its easier to live off two salarys than one. Or that he knows I'll take care of everything and he won't have to and he didn't while he lived away. And it still makes me mad that he can just up and walk way and have a 6 month vacation from his family and responsbilities.

Thanks again, it does make me feel normal.

Oh yea, I do have a counselor that I'm seeing. And I do need to have a session without H, but I've been so excitied that H is willing to go that I haven't wanted to screw anything up!

W&M

Things with H are getting back to normal, but is that good???? I think I almost had unrealistic expectations when he came home.... that things would be so different that everyone would be able to see it. But its not and partly because there is so much history. We HAVE been doing things as a family more, trying to go out more alone, and he's came to eat lunch with me at work 3 times! I know all this seems normal and probably expected, but from my H its great. I just worry it won't last. I've lived being basically "single, but filing married" for the past 5 years, how can it change so fast? Does the doubt ever go away? Will I every let my guard down and be completely happy?

Quote:

... how can it change so fast? Does the doubt ever go away? Will I every let my guard down and be completely happy?

Yes the doubts are quite natural and many before have ask the same questions on this forum (myself included ... Get out of jail FREE! ... page 4 ).
You may want to visit Matilda's thread as well ... Starting over -- one more time!

These threads can provide some insights to help with the doubts.