After the WAW comes home??? - DivorceBusting.com

Our separation lasted for 2 months. We spoke on the phone during the time and after a few weeks we started dating each other on the weekends. I'm 34 and my W is 30. We have been married for 1 1/2 yrs and together for 3 yrs. My W came back in Oct. and has been back for almost 3 months. I just found this board last week.

My W left because I was depressed and there was some verbal abuse involved when I drank. She also felt neglected and I lost interest in sex.

Right now the only the problem we still face is intimacy and affection. My W has been trying for get those feelings back for me - I think that she has been putting pressure on herself. She says that she still loves me but the intimacy feelings are not coming natural for her? She told me that she is very proud of the changes I have made - saw a C for depression and quit drinking. Other than the intimacy we get along very well and she told me that I am her best friend and does not want to loose her best friend.

I need some advice on how to help her. We have had sex since she returned but I know that her heart is not into right now. Last week she asked me if we could take a few weeks off from sex and see she if she wanted initiate it. I have not asked her for sex since then. Are there any reading materials or anything else that help a person get over the past and deal with her intimacy? If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really appreciate any advice - I would be happy to offer insight to someone that is dealing with a depressed H. I continue to show her affection and doubt that it would be good for me to stop it. I love my W very much but really need some direction on how to help our M at this point.

Sounds to me like you need to figure out what her LL is. Have you read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? You may not be meeting her emotional needs in the way that works best for her.

Also...take it one step at time. One day at a time. It's a long process, but well worth the patience.

And welcome.

Actually she read the 5LL book after we got married and tried to get me interested in it. At the time I really did not think that it was important - pretty stupid. I have read the book since and know that her LL is words of affirmation. I think that I am doing a good job of giving her what she needs now while trying to not add any pressure.

I ordered one of the DVD's sets from here so maybe that will help. Sometimes I think that she is expecting too much from her own feelings toward me - if that makes sense.

It does make sense.

But, you can't force the issue, either. You want her to get comfortable with you. Lots of validation and listening should also help.

Dawg,
I would encourage you to (if you haven't already) normalize your W's feelings (or lack of feelings). If you can reassure her that it is very understandable that her feelings could take a while to return, then you might be able to help her reduce her self-imposed pressure to have sexual feelings for you - which could actually help them come back sooner.

Sometimes people just need to be reassured that their feelings are OK. Her lack of sexual feeling does not mean she does not love you, nor does it mean she will not regain the attraction. This can be a very normal response in any R at certain times - help her see that, OK? Your understanding and ressurance (and giving her space as you already have planned) could help a lot at this point. (And if you are already doing this - great for you!!)

And if I were to give you really bad DB advice

, then I'd encourage you to point out as often as possible, how very, very worried you are about her lack of sexual feelings. That you're even wondering if your M has any hope if she continues to feel that way. Now, that would be extremely bad advice on my part and very unproductive responses on your part, right? So, that's under the "don't do" category.

You've got some good pieces to build on - put a bit of patience with that and continue to enjoy each other step by step. You have my support,

Thanks for your reply. We had a few talks this weekend and they didn't really go well for me. I am planner and right now it seems as though we don't have any sort of plan. During our talks this weekend she said that in her other relationships she has never been able to fall back in love with someone after the feeling is gone. She seems distant and cold at times. She knows that this is taking a toll on me and it hurts her.

She also metioned that sometimes she feels like she needs space - I get the feeling that by showing her affection or doing helpful things for her it makes her feel bad.

She is also a somewhat closed minded person. We started watching the marriage breakthrough DVD's this weekend and she said that is did not present anything new.

I guess for now I just have to be strong and patient with her but it is hard when we spend alot of time together. I need reassurance but she can't really offer any right now. I need to stop all R talks unless she wants to talk. It is so easy to type what you need to do but much harder to follow through with it. It is really hard to see any positives now for us???

I also ordered the KLA DVD's - do you think it would be better to watch them at this stage then the marriage breakthrough ones? Thanks so much for your help.

I think the tapes are really going to pressure her. She has come home. That says a lot. You say that things are bad when you spend too much time together. That is a clue.

Are you doing the basic db steps and getting a life? Give her room and let her wonder about the new things that you begin in your life. I just get a sense that you are in heavy pursuit with her so present in your home.

Ease up. Focus on youself and start doing things differently than you were doing them pre-bomb. Give her some time to observe you as a different, vibrant, compelling creature she wants to SLOWLY get to know.

Hang in there. There is a lot of promise in your situation. Let her lead. In the meantime, get a life.

maya
my newest thread

Thanks for the advice - I needed to hear it.

I am sticking to the changes that I made when she left.
1. I quit drinking and saw a C for what the C termed minor depression.
2. I don't get mad at her and am positive, help around the house and show affection
3. Started lifting weights again

I have been very affectionate with her since her return because she said that was one of the reasons she left in the first place but I am not sure if that is the right thing to do now? It is hard because all I want to do is help her becasue I know she is hurting. I tend to look at it like I got us into this mess and I need to be the one to get us out. If I stop being affectionate then I think she will view it as I have given up or things are going back to how they were before? Maybe I should just back off some?

She says that she is not angry with me anymore but when we discuss things she gets defensive at times. She is also more of a day to day person where I tend to look more at the big picture and the future.

I guess my new goals should be:

1. No R talks unless she wants to
2. Hold off on the DVD's until she is ready
3. Always be happy and upbeat around her - confident in myself and our M

You really do need to back off. I'm sure the affection you are showing is coming across as pressure for her. Give the words of affirmation instead for now. Although you have done good at achieving and maintaining your goals, are there things that you could be doing outside the home. Something to bring conversation and interest into your relationship. I truly believe that spending too much time together is the end all of of most of relation ships. If you've read DR, you know to do less of what doesn't work and more of what does. You need to find what DOES work because you're not getting positive results with what you are currently doing now. Give her time and be light and unpressuring and unpursuing.

I plan backing off starting tonight - I guess that I kind of knew that already - but just needed some other people's opinions. We have alot of commons interests and enjoy spending time together but I will try to give her more space in the evenings after we both get home from work. It seemed like everything was really progressing well until after the holidays - I guess my wife is still unsure and little confused with her feelings. She needs time and some space to sort them out for herself.

Update: I know that I am not as good as some of the others that post on this board with details but I had a couple of quick questions:

While we are at work my W and I typicaly e-mail each other - just light stuff. I usually send the first e-mail and today decided to not to. She sent one a few minutes ago and the question is should I just send replys and wait on her for now?

I usually tell my wife ILU a couples of times a day and she will answer with ILU should I wait for her to say it first? She has said it first a couple of times.

I know these questions sound stupid and I like I am trying to play a game but I do want her feel like she has more control and to help her with any guilty feelings.

Thanks so much for everyone's advice.

Dawg,
It does appear you have become more clear that you need to back off in certain areas - good for you.

Regarding your most recent entry, letting your W initiate the emails and responding with a similar light tone seems like a good plan. It allows your W to set the pace a bit, not be possibly pressured by you, and letting her intiate helps you judge the amount and kind of contact your W wants.

Regarding ILY's - if you really sense your W responds well (examples: smiles, enjoys saying it back to you, gives you eye contact when she says it, may hug or kiss you at those times, etc...), then it may be a neutral or positive thing for you to say. But watch very, very carefully. If she is a bit ambivalent, sounds somewhat obligatory, possibly gets a bit tense when responding, then I'd back off from initiating ILY's. I would wait for her to initiate them and then respond warmly, but not over-enthusiastically.

Dawg, these changes are much more than playing a game. You are adjusting your behavior to become more sensitive to your W's needs at this point. You are changing your habits to offer more hope for your M. It would seem stranger to me to keep the same behavior you've had knowing it is pushing your W away. Real love is trying to understand what our spouse needs and being willing to give that to them. So Dawg, it's real love to make the changes you are trying to do.

Thanks for the info. My W responds well to ILUs about half of the time so I think that I will stop them for a while. During our relationship she was always the one that said ILU first and I guess my responses could have been viewed as somewhat cold to her for most of our relationship.

She has also made the comment that are roles are reversed now - before she left whe was the one doing everything to keep the emotional side of our marriage together. She also said that she knows how hard it is to be in my shoes now because she has been there.

Things that are good in our relationship now:

1. We have a very nice house and she spends alot of time working on painting and decorating it.
2. We do not have any money problems. I have a professional job and make most of our income.
3. We are very good friends and enjoy doing nothing together as long as we do not talk about our M.
4. We do not have children but have a dog that she really loves - I had the dog before we met.
5. Her family really likes me and my family really likes her.

I have backed off the affection somewhat over the last few days. Still give a hug and kiss before I leave and after I get home from work and at bedtime - I get the feeling that she is expecting it. I have some trouble not snuggling with her in the mornings probably because I am still somewhat asleep. Maybe I should make more of an effort to stop this?

Anyway I really appreciate all the advice and I know that the biggest thing I need to do right now is be patient.

Dawg03,

You were right, I can relate to your W. I, too, am not feeling the sexual desire for H. One thing that helps me deal with this issue is knowing others have this problem as well. I agree w/ one of the other posts that suggested you validate her feelings. Let her know that it's very common for women to lose the desire to be intimate after they have been hurt.

Try this analogy - with each hurt, we put a brick down in front of us. After a while we have enough hurts and therefore, bricks to build a wall. This wall wasn't built in one day; it certainly will not come down in one day.

Another thing that helps me feel closer to H is touch. What I mean is when we are out doing things together; just holding my hand, putting an arm around me; touching me in some non-sexual way. Let her come to you for a hug or kiss - I don't know why, but those tend to push us away, while we are in this "healing" mode.

Question - have you asked her what types of things make her feel loved?

The other thing that Michele says is sometimes you just have to do it. You have to make yourself uncomfortable in order to truly give to your partner. Once you do this, you will remember that you like sex, too. My advice, just don't force it. It will get there on it's own. Look at the message board for an article related to this topic. Print it out for your W. I think it might help validate her feelings.

M

Thanks for your reply.

I read your thread and thought about posting but wasn't sure what to add - but I did come up with something that I am sure you probably already know. I think that your H is very insecure with himself. He also seems to be very selfish.

Dawg03,

You're right I do know those things about him. Which is why I am the WAW - my needs weren't being met.

M

Dawg,
Responding to your question re: the DVD's. If your W has not been responsive to the Breakthrough set, then I am wondering if it would be wiser to simply watch them (Breakthrough and KLA) yourself - unless she shows interest. I am going to guess that it's more about your W feeling a bit pressured by the process, not so much the info Michele is offering on the DVD's. What do you think?