My Story So Far - 06/17/19 07:10 PM
I am questioning my sanity at this time. My 30 year relationship/marriage with my best friend and wife began to deteriorate about 3 1/2 years ago after both of our careers ended due to a business sale and my wife having a full hysterectomy a year prior. She began pulling away from the family of 3 sons, now ages 17, 22 & 25. The older 2 moved out about 4 years ago as well. I searched for self and began a new relationship with God. Trying to get my career back on track has been a low point. When I had noticed her pulling further away, reduction of house work, emotional engagement with the family. After a concert we attended in 6 of 2016 she began to say odd things I have never heard from her. There was some alcohol involved, not to much. Her words scared me, they were dark. I gained the courage and asked her why the distance in 8/2016. She said that she had been faking her love for me. Our love & connection had been one to script a movie from. Not more than two months before her best friend had told her that after watching us at a HS reunion of their's that we where the happiest married couple she had ever seen. We worked on the marriage with a christian workshop, The Weekend to Remember. We began taking walks, riding bikes, more time together doing home improvements, we cuddled and touched each other more than we had at the beginning of our relationship. I could sense that her commitment was half at best. I pushed in and she pulled back. I attempted to tear down all of my emotional barriers and opened up to her like I never had. I believe I overwhelmed her with my emotional load.
Her drive to reconnect with her youth, concerts, constant social media postings, appearance fixation, cursing, turn away from God and overall dislike for me grew. I was hurt by her pulling away, criticizing me, she told me to "get a life". In Sept of 18 we had an argument. She accused me of untrue, and some distorted but true things from as far back as our early 20's. I am not perfect and did do hurtful things over our relationship. The hurtful actions and words went both ways. I have learned that holding onto the hurt me is unhealthy. Forgiveness allows me to be free of resentment to prior pain. I wrote her an apology letter that did nothing to help.
She became a different person. She said: "I love you but am not in love with you, I gave my whole life to raising children its now time for me, they are grown @ss men and can handle their own lives". Our sons and I could see this change is her actions, facial appearance, eyes and verbiage. In late Nov of 18 she moved out with her 70 yr old mother into a rental house 20 min away from our home. Her mother said too that she was acting like she did in high school. Her new residence is decorated with pictures of rock and movie stars from her youth. Her phone became her most important possession, guarded it with her life. Our youngest son needs her the most. He has always been "high strung" and she had a calming aspect to parenting that worked for him. 2 weeks after she moved out he totaled his car and was nearly killed. This last year of HS was dismal for him. He failed most of his classes.
She had a terrible childhood, parents divorced twice from each other, her dad was physically and emotionally abusive to her, her mom & her brother. Her mom was unfortunately not able to provide well for them. They moved nearly every year and did not have much. In HS she was on her own most of time and was a wild child. When we met at the age of 21, we both needed what the other had to offer: strength/stability-spontaneity/spirituality.
We have maintained a fair amount of contact after she left. She had been having panic attacks, loss of sleep. She had said that if she would have stayed in our home she would have had a nervous breakdown. A few months later an eye issue led her to an MRI for a possible MS diagnosis. Fortunately it was negative however she still had most all of the other symptoms. 2 months later she told me of a possible blood thinning problem. She went to Florida with 2 of her life long, divorced girlfriends for a weekend. She drunk called our oldest son and got a Margaritaville tattoo while there. The tattooist mentioned the blood tinning issue. She refuses to go back to the doctor.
I have been working on self improvement and am making great progress. I began to strengthen myself, no pushing or pleading with her. The study of the Enneagram provided me insight as to my personality and why I do the things I do. My relationship with all 3 of our sons continues to grow stronger each day. Our youngest and I have made monumental strides in our relationship and are at the best we have ever been.
My wife's mother has had a hard life and lived alone most of it. The time that they have had together has been great for both of them. They are doing most things together and my mother in law is coming out of her shell.
I began to offer her invitations to do things with me. We had some nice time together, not discussing the relationship. After hosting an engagement party she said she was proud of me. One evening, 3 weeks ago with our 22 yr old son and his fiancee, she gave me a real kiss before she left and called the next morning to tell me she had a great time. A week later she refused my 2 invitations, long delayed text responses and no phone calls. She took a part time job as a bartender at that time, supporting 2 households is hurting us financially. She was a bartender/waitress when we originally met. In the last week she did call me out of the blue. We had a fun conversation. She came over to spend time with our youngest son. She was playful with me, stayed an hour plus after our son left with friends. We had good conversation listened to music on her phone. I was allowed to hold her phone to watch music videos. She said that she was tired of working all the time, cutting the grass, cleaning and work at her place. She then said that she was at peace 10 min later. I have not seen these verbal contradictions before. When she left she said that I was a great father then turned back to me and said she loved me. I said I love you too.
She had a type of awakening 2 months ago and admitted to being in a crisis. She represented the Sep 2018 to February 2019 as being "crazy town". Her previous personality began to return at times. Our oldest son told her in a harsh manor, 2 months ago that he was done with her after her lack of real contact with him and her adolescent behavior. The middle son told her of his hurt a week ago with a better delivery. He also explained to her that our youngest is hurting most of all. My wife had been the best mom ever and had a deep, honest, open connection with all 3 sons. Our oldest son and her had been so close. His birthday was a few days ago. She sent a card with me to give him. Our 2 other sons and drove an hour to visit him & celebrate his b'day. The idea of her not being there by choice hurt all of us.
When we where dating many years ago she left me for 3 months. I moved on and she magically appeared one night and asked to come back. I believe that she is in another life transition at this time as she was then. My heart is telling me to stop trying, no more invitations, respond only to her contact and keep improving myself. My love is waning, resentment and anger over this emotional torture has begun. I hurts when she does not accept an invitation for time together, her love language is quality time and non sexual touch. I am believing that my pulling away will help me to gain more strength to move on if that is the eventual outcome. I have been a consistent stander of our relationship and she knows that I have loved her tremendously. I have seen progress with what I have been doing however it is wearing me out. I have read a lot of information that informs me to drop the emotional rope. I have been praying for his direction. After all this time, do I continue trying to connect or pull back?
Thoughts?
Her drive to reconnect with her youth, concerts, constant social media postings, appearance fixation, cursing, turn away from God and overall dislike for me grew. I was hurt by her pulling away, criticizing me, she told me to "get a life". In Sept of 18 we had an argument. She accused me of untrue, and some distorted but true things from as far back as our early 20's. I am not perfect and did do hurtful things over our relationship. The hurtful actions and words went both ways. I have learned that holding onto the hurt me is unhealthy. Forgiveness allows me to be free of resentment to prior pain. I wrote her an apology letter that did nothing to help.
She became a different person. She said: "I love you but am not in love with you, I gave my whole life to raising children its now time for me, they are grown @ss men and can handle their own lives". Our sons and I could see this change is her actions, facial appearance, eyes and verbiage. In late Nov of 18 she moved out with her 70 yr old mother into a rental house 20 min away from our home. Her mother said too that she was acting like she did in high school. Her new residence is decorated with pictures of rock and movie stars from her youth. Her phone became her most important possession, guarded it with her life. Our youngest son needs her the most. He has always been "high strung" and she had a calming aspect to parenting that worked for him. 2 weeks after she moved out he totaled his car and was nearly killed. This last year of HS was dismal for him. He failed most of his classes.
She had a terrible childhood, parents divorced twice from each other, her dad was physically and emotionally abusive to her, her mom & her brother. Her mom was unfortunately not able to provide well for them. They moved nearly every year and did not have much. In HS she was on her own most of time and was a wild child. When we met at the age of 21, we both needed what the other had to offer: strength/stability-spontaneity/spirituality.
We have maintained a fair amount of contact after she left. She had been having panic attacks, loss of sleep. She had said that if she would have stayed in our home she would have had a nervous breakdown. A few months later an eye issue led her to an MRI for a possible MS diagnosis. Fortunately it was negative however she still had most all of the other symptoms. 2 months later she told me of a possible blood thinning problem. She went to Florida with 2 of her life long, divorced girlfriends for a weekend. She drunk called our oldest son and got a Margaritaville tattoo while there. The tattooist mentioned the blood tinning issue. She refuses to go back to the doctor.
I have been working on self improvement and am making great progress. I began to strengthen myself, no pushing or pleading with her. The study of the Enneagram provided me insight as to my personality and why I do the things I do. My relationship with all 3 of our sons continues to grow stronger each day. Our youngest and I have made monumental strides in our relationship and are at the best we have ever been.
My wife's mother has had a hard life and lived alone most of it. The time that they have had together has been great for both of them. They are doing most things together and my mother in law is coming out of her shell.
I began to offer her invitations to do things with me. We had some nice time together, not discussing the relationship. After hosting an engagement party she said she was proud of me. One evening, 3 weeks ago with our 22 yr old son and his fiancee, she gave me a real kiss before she left and called the next morning to tell me she had a great time. A week later she refused my 2 invitations, long delayed text responses and no phone calls. She took a part time job as a bartender at that time, supporting 2 households is hurting us financially. She was a bartender/waitress when we originally met. In the last week she did call me out of the blue. We had a fun conversation. She came over to spend time with our youngest son. She was playful with me, stayed an hour plus after our son left with friends. We had good conversation listened to music on her phone. I was allowed to hold her phone to watch music videos. She said that she was tired of working all the time, cutting the grass, cleaning and work at her place. She then said that she was at peace 10 min later. I have not seen these verbal contradictions before. When she left she said that I was a great father then turned back to me and said she loved me. I said I love you too.
She had a type of awakening 2 months ago and admitted to being in a crisis. She represented the Sep 2018 to February 2019 as being "crazy town". Her previous personality began to return at times. Our oldest son told her in a harsh manor, 2 months ago that he was done with her after her lack of real contact with him and her adolescent behavior. The middle son told her of his hurt a week ago with a better delivery. He also explained to her that our youngest is hurting most of all. My wife had been the best mom ever and had a deep, honest, open connection with all 3 sons. Our oldest son and her had been so close. His birthday was a few days ago. She sent a card with me to give him. Our 2 other sons and drove an hour to visit him & celebrate his b'day. The idea of her not being there by choice hurt all of us.
When we where dating many years ago she left me for 3 months. I moved on and she magically appeared one night and asked to come back. I believe that she is in another life transition at this time as she was then. My heart is telling me to stop trying, no more invitations, respond only to her contact and keep improving myself. My love is waning, resentment and anger over this emotional torture has begun. I hurts when she does not accept an invitation for time together, her love language is quality time and non sexual touch. I am believing that my pulling away will help me to gain more strength to move on if that is the eventual outcome. I have been a consistent stander of our relationship and she knows that I have loved her tremendously. I have seen progress with what I have been doing however it is wearing me out. I have read a lot of information that informs me to drop the emotional rope. I have been praying for his direction. After all this time, do I continue trying to connect or pull back?
Thoughts?