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1 year in, and still survivingPlease see previous thread. I never thought Christmas would be this way but it has. My wife is using time with the kids as leverage to move the process through Christmas instead of just waiting a few days. This is not the wife I know or who I fell in love with. On top of it, her sibling threatens to remove my belongings from his house because my wife complained of me not going through a proposed decree immediately.
sorry
from my experience with MLC I would say-
they have no concern for us or the kids
nothing they do to the LBS surprises me
remember it is not about u
this is a common thread among MLCers
they are self absorbed lacking empathy for the LBS /and the kids
I agree w/Peace, they become very selfish, self-centered and spoiled brats. What they want, they want NOW. They do not understand that it takes time to process stuff and they become very paranoid and think that we are stalling in getting things done. In many cases, they have been the ones stalling and then psst! They think we should jump through hoops for them.
They do not care about us or the children. They only care about themselves and getting what they want. The holidays are a prime time for the good, the bad and the ugly to come out in some of them.
I would suggest that you try to maintain your cool and whatever you do, do not get into it w/her front of the kids or anyone else. I wouldn't be the least surprise to read that she's being very nice when she comes to visit...why? Because you are trying to placate her demands.
Dig deeper for patience, count to 10 before responding to her comments and do not be surprised if she tries to bait you. You have to be the best actor that you can be for now. Take a walk or a long drive and scream as much as you need to in order to let the anger out.
Thanks peace and job. She arrives in one hour and I had to pop a Xanax. This whole behavior has been a wrecking ball to me. I feel if I do not agree with things she will tell her brother to proceed with dumping my stuff on the lawn.
Hello black8
peace and job are right in the money.
Her behaviour is all about her and her wants (needs). She will not, and can not, show any remorse or concern for you and a lot of time the children as well - MLCers really just can’t. They are so far gone at this time, and so wrapped up in their own selfish emotions, their own pain, there is a huge defensive protection mechanism she is using to hide within.
Do what you need to do. Be the very best actor you can be. Do not let how much it is getting to you show in front of her. Leave whtatever bait she is putting out, right there, and untouched.
Deal with this as a businesss meeting, you have some very specific things you need to accomplish (apartment, getting you stuff, and so on), stay on course.
You can do this.
DnJ
DnJ, peace, and job,
Your words of encouragement and advice are a huge boost of reassurance for me. Thank you. Made it through so far; overall we keep our distance and interact little so far this weekend, except with the kids. Some good laughs today as a family but I am not expecting anything but her marching forward with divorce. I am just following her lead. Tomorrow is a big day as I am sure it will be time to review the decree that afternoon and evening. I cannot tell her no because it was the condition she came and my stuff is still hostage right now. Will try to be as positive as possible but firm when talking decree.
I am glad that things are going okay. At least she's behaving herself and not acting out in front of the children.
Listen to what she has to say, review the decree and if you have concerns about some things, point them out to her and discuss them. Try to remain as calm as possible and keep your voice natural. She may try to push your buttons to get you flustered and angry...but do not take that bait! Stay calm throughout all of it and when you are done, take a walk or a drive and scream or do something else to relieve the anger. I have found that if you remain calm and do not show anger, it takes the "I've got him right where I want him" away from them. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she's hurt you, especially at this time of the year.
Hang in there!
Thank you, job, DnJ, and peace. I did exactly as you recommended and overall I think it went really well. I even brought it up saying we should talk now about the decree. I choked up for a few sentences when talking about what her relationship would be with my kids from previous marriage. It was just super hard for me, but after that I plugged along fine. She showed zero emotion and basically said it is not a concern because she did not see them anyway too often, which was hurtful. After we were done she seemed a bit more relaxed and started engaging with me more. She actually agreed with most of my concerns and need for flexibility. Guess she wants this just to end soonest. She said she regretted what she said about saying we could not nest and said she would let her sibling know I could move things out with no issue. I think she thought I would be much more argumentative but honestly the hardest thing I struggled was figuring out if I could manage both custody schedules. Only time will tell.
black - Well done. It sounds like a weight has been lifted from you. The meeting looks like it went well, and you did handle yourself admirably. I know it was a struggle, you made it through, you now know you can do this, you can build off this.
Enjoy the holidays, black8. You and your family deserve it.
DnJ
You did a very good job of holding it together. I know it had to be tough discussing the decree on Christmas day and what needs to be addressed as to custody, etc. I am very proud of you!
Now, it's on to getting your stuff out of her brother's house and into your apartment...at least your stuff won't be held hostage again if she throws another ranting fit.
Try to enjoy the rest of the holidays. You and your family deserve a little be of peace.
good job Black8
time will tell if you can handle both custody schedules
and Ive noticed over the years that I have adjusted to my situation
kids home
kids needing rides
kids wanting cars
kids sick
kids at school
kids on breaks
taking kids to college..
home from college ect
We step up to the call and do our best and God really does take care of the rest
Thank you, peace, job, and DnJ. Appreciate all your support. Dropped off wife at airport with kids crying in the car wanting her to stay or leave with her. Last day of wife here was truly representative of my situation since we separated in 2017. She hardly spoke to me, did not help around the house with changing diapers or cooking or cleaning when it was time to leave, and then abruptly just said “thank you”, not even looking at me; storming off into the terminal. I could not even say thank you or saying warmly/fondly that I would miss these times when we were all together, but I realize now that it was better that I did not. I really do not know why she would leave so meanly- no reason at all. She is getting her divorce with little impact to her life.
black,
You have to understand...the wall that she has built up around her may have crumbled just a wee bit during the visit and the MLCer can't have that. Why? Because, in their minds, they have to have justification for leaving because all of the blame tends to be pointed to us and the relationship. So, in order to maintain her distance from you and the family, she has to be mean and angry to get through her day around you. If she had softened up during the visit, she would have been emotional and it would have made her stop and think about what was and not how things are today. This journey is about HER, not YOU! You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her.
Trying to analyze the whys and what fors will drive you insane. You did nothing wrong and you have to accept that. Whatever happened to her, happened when she was a child. Depression is about things of the past and anxiety is about things of the future. Anger is part of the depression.
Be there for your children. Love them and let them know that they are loved by both of you, regardless of how she behaved. Keep the focus on you and your children and do what you need to do to survive.
I remember those days
son would cry as XH left
he was 5 and he told me it hurts when dad leaves
and it did hurt all of us-
so I get how hard it can be to watch them go
but as Job said this is not about you or them-
the MLCer will usually become very robot like-no feeling
In my opinion, to avoid all pain
they need to shut down emotional side as best they can
Most use drugs or alcohol or overworking ect
Many get worse over the years because we were not meant to shut down to avoid pain
we were meant to feel..heal grieve cry and mourn
so allow your kids to feel the pain- comfort them and get therapy and comfort for you
this is a hard road-
to be a single parent
but extremely rewarding
keep moving
you did great
you will heal
get support- join a group/ u tube videos-
and God usually provides help along the way
Thank you peace and job. Your words make a lot of sense. I moved my stuff out of the siblings house this evening. Everyone was home but stayed away from me. No one helped me move the bed down the stairs; basically ignored me. Sent a note to the sibling thanking the fam for letting me stay and wishing them well. You are right, job. I bet they already regret what they did.
Moved into new apartment as well after flying youngest ones back home solo. Wiped from a long day and survived!!!!
Black - That sounds like a very long day. I am glad you got your stuff moved to your apartment. Good for you sending a note, even when no one helped, taking the higher path - awesome.
Get a good sleep, shouldn’t be to hard after all that work.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Thank you, DnJ. Officially moved in apartment and now working with STBXW to finalize divorce decree. I do not see her changing her mind now. Grass looks greener to her on the other side; so if she ever wanted to reconcile it would be after we are divorced since there is no legal separation where I live. I noticed recently that she texts me more than usually, about things I do not see as things you should text about. Do not know why
For many of them, they have this "need" to go through with the divorce in order to start fresh. Some will want to be "friends" after the divorce, but "friends" means something different that what we would consider as friends.
Yes, she will contact you quite a bit about things that do not need to be addressed. She realizes that she has to start doing these things herself. They do not understand what the word "divorce" means. If you feel that the texts are not of importance or need an answer right away, just sit on them for a while. She will need to learn how to things on her own and not have you (her substitute father figure) rescuing her.
It's time to really put the focus on you and you family. It's time to let her go a little bit and allow her the freedom to find herself on her own. She truly needs to grow up and the only way to do that is to allow her to make her mistakes and learn from them.
Hang in there!
Interesting, job. What does friends mean to the mLC? Yes, some of her texts are things she needs right away and others are just comments about the kids. As long as she has her parents and siblings (more so her parents) nearby to support her and enable this fantasy world, the more she will stay in fantasy world. Will do on leaving her be - I do not write her unless she does.
Hi Black
You are right, those enablers will prop up her fantasy world. Those are her friends.
An MLCer is all emotion, and cranked to 11. They are also childlike, regressed to the time of their trauma(s). Imagine a ten year old in the playground, and their friends. One day best friends, the next “I hate you”, the next friends again. It is all about what can you do for me right now, for the MLCer or that kid. Their friendships are very much in the moment, which can and will change in a heart beat.
They are not friends you can count on, or will be there for you in both the good times and the bad times.
The definition of friend is much different to the MLCer than to us. You don’t have to look to far to see examples of your friends, people who are standing by you in some pretty bad times. Her friends will come and go, as she uses them, very few if any will be there for the long haul.
In an early conversation between W and I, she told me about these people she literally met 6 weeks prior, she said with much attitude “These people are my true friends”. Just like a child. She just dismissed and waved away the mentioning of real friends that have known her for 20, 30 years. Those people were dumped in a snap, they were not enabling, they knew the old her.
black, from friend to friend, getting an apartment and working with STBXW is wise and proper. You are doing very well.
DnJ
Thank you DnJ. I do see her parents being her fallback as they are now. The sad part is I think they know she is making a mistake but just sit idly by doing her bidding (long history there with W family and her siblings).
Black, it is best that the parents don't get involved. Why? Because the more they point out that she's doing something wrong, the more determined she will be to prove them wrong. As for the bidding...shame on them. That may be associated w/some of her childhood issues.
The fewer people that get involved in the situation, the better. That's just my opinion. Her crisis needs to run its course in order for her to grow up and become a mature woman. Too many interruptions along the way will prolong the crisis and, in some cases, stop it and then later on, she will re-enter the crisis and it will be far worse the second time around.
Try to keep the focus on you and your family. Dig deeper for patience and know that you can only control you and your actions and whatever she's doing...well...that's on her.
You certainly had a very difficult holiday. Many sympathies. I think you handled your situation remarkably well. Best wishes for an improved year in 2019!
Thank you Job and Kate. Her parents are basically live in 24/7 daycare, transportation, and cook/pay for things. Makes her life easier and enables her to not see a need for me anymore.
Her parents will eventually get tired of babysitting an teen age adult. It will get old and trust me, they will eventually take the blinders off and see that something is very off w/her and her behavior. Time will take care of this.
Thanks. I hope so, they have been enabling this for years for her and one of her siblings.
Some progress today. For a while now, when I would FaceTime with eldest kids to youngest kids, W would not even acknowledge eldest (her step kids) on the call and instead just hold the phone to youngest. I asked that W at least greet and converse with the eldest because they asked me why W did not say hello to them and for the kids sake. Immediately today when FaceTimed today, W was friendly and chatted with the eldest. Glad she is putting the kids first in this.
Hello all,
I thought I would check back in and let you know that the divorce was finalized last month. The nightmare which began almost 3 years ago is now over. Surprisingly, I feel good; because I know in my heart I did all could to keep the marriage afloat. In the end, my MLC wife got what she wanted, but I do not feel guilty anymore. I finally told my kids of the news as well as my first ex and they all took it well. Amazingly my newest ex texts me and is friendlier to me now than in the last three years. She says she is emotionally in a better place. All and all I am thankful for all the support this forum and Michelles books and coaches over the last year. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I really have not interest in going back to my ex even if she came back. I also met someone who likes me for me and I am much happier than I have been in years.
Hello black
It is nice to hear from you.
It is good to see you know you did all you could do to try to save your marriage. As you said, the three year nightmare is over. That is quite a weight lifted from you, something I have recently discovered as well.
What a wonderful update, you sound so much better, so happier, so more in touch with you. I am glad you dropped in to share with us.
DnJ