Time for a new thread...
Old threads:
Can't Believe I'm Here -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2524363&page=1MLCer and EA w/ OW -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534280&page=1Masterpiece -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2541483&page=1Masterpiece still in progress -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546771&page=1"...I still fall on my face sometimes
And I can't color inside the lines
'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete
I'm still working on my masterpiece
And I, I wanna hang with the greats
Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait
No, you haven't seen the best of me
I'm still working on my masterpiece..."
-- "Masterpiece" by Jessie J
Hey Jer ...
The post was by Train
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...592#Post2546592Just to build on this point, a personal experience from a woman's POV:
My H is a workhorse. His stability and work ethics were the top two reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. In 2010, and without my full support, he changed jobs and industries (in an effort to "find happiness") and took a massive paycut (about 50%). Our house almost ended up in foreclosure because we could not keep our heads above water, and H didn't seem to care. It wasn't feasible for me to go back to work because my S8 was still a toddler, and my wages would have done little more than pay for childcare. (I would also later discover I was pregnant with D3.)
I lost an enormous amount of respect for H during that time. And, looking back, it's exactly when everything in our M started going downhill, leading to BD and the A in 2014.
But here's the kicker: By 2014, H was back to working two jobs ... both of which were in the industry he had left in 2010. We were caught up on bills and even started having enough to enjoy life a little again. That stability was enough to keep me solidly planted in our M and for H to earn back some of the respect I had lost for him in the years prior. But I had stopped meeting HIS needs in the meantime. And - wham! - the BD and A. Vicious cycle.
All that to say: it's true. Women really and truly value financial stability. We seem hard-wired for that, for better or worse. And I may be reaching here, but judging from personal experience and discussions I've had with H since he's been back home, I think men are hard-wired to provide and to succeed. And if a man feels his W is the breadwinner or more successful than he is, professionally? Sometimes - perhaps without even noticing it - I think it can damage his ego and his self-confidence. And if that's the case, he will have entered the nasty, vicious cycle. Because a woman loves and admires a *confident* man.
This one really hit something for me. Not that I was a couch potato by any means ... back in 2009 she lost her job and was out of work for over a year, I worked my normal 40 and picked up DJ gigs ... 3 nights a week to try and save the house. After she found work .. it was touch and go, she hated the places she worked and bounced around for 3-4 years (Was one of these places she met OM) so during that time I wanted to move into something else but her sitch was not stable so I opt'd to stay and be under paid/under employed because it was secure.
Reading your sitch .. maybe there is a parrallel there ... not sure. I acutally started a new job, better pay, much better place for me about 3 weeks prior to BD, since then I have been promoted and 2 large pay raises, she does not know of the pay increases ... not like we have ever really talked about me and my life in a year ... lol.
Anyways .. this post made me realize there was some built up resentment from her, and with MLC they forget the circumstances, toss logic out the window and only focus on what they want to use to justify the inner monster ...
Just food for thought.
All of that is really interesting... Especially to consider from the viewpoint of my R/M which is same-sex... In our case, my W has always taken on the provider role (she is not masculine by any means -- but has always taken on the breadwinner/provider role), but it is now clear to me that there has been some built-up resentment over me not making more than I do.
I do wonder how or if the dynamics would shift when I do get back to being employed full-time -- especially if, based on my experience yesterday in the interview, I end up in a higher-level, fairly well-paying (for public education) job. It may really be too late for it to make a difference right now b/c W is neck-deep in Replay and very happy to remain there as far as any of us can tell. Whether she comes out of the fog and begins to progress through the tunnel or not, at least I'll be doing much better financially than I ever have on my own and that is important regardless of the final outcome.
All of that is really interesting... Especially to consider from the viewpoint of my R/M which is same-sex... In our case, my W has always taken on the provider role (she is not masculine by any means -- but has always taken on the breadwinner/provider role), but it is now clear to me that there has been some built-up resentment over me not making more than I do.
I do wonder how or if the dynamics would shift when I do get back to being employed full-time -- especially if, based on my experience yesterday in the interview, I end up in a higher-level, fairly well-paying (for public education) job. It may really be too late for it to make a difference right now b/c W is neck-deep in Replay and very happy to remain there as far as any of us can tell. Whether she comes out of the fog and begins to progress through the tunnel or not, at least I'll be doing much better financially than I ever have on my own and that is important regardless of the final outcome.
I was also curious about your take on that with the same sex marriage but reading your sitch I though there could be a possibility of some resentment ... honestly I think that is only natural and really is a non sex issue, I think it just feeds into the 'providers' ego to be honest. Add in some MLC and that just adds to the justification factor ya know?
Like you I wonder .. ok .. get out of the tunnels, fog lifts and who knows how the MLCr will view the LBS, the important thing is ... the job adds to ones confidence, gives independence, makes us the ruler of our own domain if you will ... all these traits add to attraction regardless of who might come courting is not really important ... its OUR journey and this makes US better.
the job adds to ones confidence, gives independence, makes us the ruler of our own domain if you will ... all these traits add to attraction regardless of who might come courting is not really important ... its OUR journey and this makes US better.
EXACTLY!
I'm still on a "high" from the interview. I was so burned out when I left the district 5 years ago, but the interview has me feeling very re-energized and excited about the possibilities... I didn't realize how much I missed engaging with people in that work...
As I explore what I feel today, I now realize what I lost about myself as I became burned out (at work) and then left working full-time to begin working part-time from home. Today I really feel like I am re-connecting with a part of myself that has been buried or in hiding for the past several years... A part of me that was definitely active and alive when I met my W -- but I let it become buried or go into hiding as I started to get burned out and definitely once I started working from home.
And that part of myself was most definitely a strong, independent, and confident woman with a great deal of passion for my work and it's impact on children and adults. I think I forgot "she" existed -- but "she" does exist and "she" is very ready to re-emerge and continue making a difference :-)
Was riding so "high" after my interview then overhead W talking to OW last night about U.S. citizenship and how she's been talking to a friend of hers who went through it to get an idea on how to speed up the process... WTH!?
This bothers me, but not quite so much as it would have a few months ago... So there's a bit of progress there... But it does still bother me.
This is all just so stupid... and I can tell from what I overhear and what I've read in the past between them that it seems very clear that my W is definitely driving this A completely... She seems very skilled at calming OW's fears, concerns, guilt, and at orchestrating logistics of the trips as well as this apparent plan for OW to gain citizenship. I am also aware of large sums of money being given to OW to help with expenses (some medical bills as well as $$ for her flight here.) So grateful that my W and I have always had our finances separated from each other... The only financial concern I have is if W loses her job in the near future and I am not yet employed at a salary that would allow me to pick up the mortgage -- that is the only way that this spree of spending $$ on OW could hurt me and the kids. What a ridiculous situation -- and the worst part is that right now W is not cycling back into Monster so she appears on the surface with everyone -- including with me -- to be happy and completely rational in everything she is thinking, saying, and doing... And as far as I can tell, none of her friends (that she has now confided in about the OW), have given her any kind of critical friend advice like "What in the world are you thinking?! She's how old? From where? And you met when and how? And you are tearing your family apart for this?!" Nope -- as far as I can tell everyone seems to think it's perfectly okay... Most, if not all, of the family members on the other hand think quite differently and are horrified by what she is doing... But she's not listening to any of them...
I also know that she has a doctor's appointment with our family doc today. Family doc knows -- because of my recent frequent appointments -- everything that is going on including my suspicions that W has been dealing with undiagnosed depression for several years and that it might have been triggered during pregnancy with hormone shifts (which may have been stronger than normal since age at pregnancy was 38)... Will be interesting to see if she is able to diagnose depression today and prescribe anything for my W... I also hope she pushes for testing hormone levels (I'm pretty sure there's a perimenopause factor in all of this as well)... Of course, I won't be able to know any of that for certain because my W won't tell me -- but I am saying some prayers around it this morning with the intent that God will guide the doctor with the right questions, words, and suggestions to get through to my W on some level. Again -- I know that none of that is a quick fix and I wouldn't be surprised if ADs just make her feel less guilt over everything she is doing to me and the kids... But at least she's finally going to see our doctor for something.
Back to a focus on me...
Found out from my friend at the district yesterday that the lead interviewer was still raving about me yesterday afternoon in a meeting and that some people wanted to see my resume/CV asap! Awesome news!!!!!
Today is the last day before spring break, so if I don't hear from anyone today then it will be at least a week before I hear anything from anyone... But I am definitely feeling that something good is just around the corner for me professionally. :-)
Heard more from my friend... actually she forwarded to me the email that the lead interviewer sent out to about 5 other people... Keywords from the email:
Subject line: Resume- SUPER candidate
• she is an exceptional candidate
• she is absolutely phenomenal
• her wonderful qualifications
• She is a gem
:-)
So before I share the following information, let me clearly state that OW is still in the picture and my W still seems to be completely "in love" with her and focused on separation from me. I just found the following things interesting over the past few days...
W had an appointment with our family doctor on Friday morning. I only knew about it because W's mom told me about it. W did not put it on our shared family calendar but did have her dentist appointment on the calendar earlier in the week. I assumed it wasn't on the calendar because for whatever MLC-thinking reason she just didn't want me to know about it.
On Thursday morning I had to take one of the kids to a doctor appointment. The pediatrician's office isn't far from our doctor. Thursday night -- just before telling me goodnight -- W asked me how long it took me to get to the pediatrician's office that morning. I told her but didn't ask why she wanted to know. I didn't ask because 1) she grew up here, 2) knows what traffic is like in certain parts of town, and 3) all of doctors have been in the same places for YEARS. I didn't ask, but as soon as I told her she offered up that she was curious because "I have an appointment with (doc's name) tomorrow morning and was just wondering what time I probably need to leave." Again -- W grew up here and knows this city much better than I do and has been going to this doctor for more years than we've been together -- she knows how long it takes to get there in the morning, she knows what time she needs to leave in the morning to get there on time, and -- most importantly -- she has NEVER asked me a question like that because she "knows" the city and the traffic better than I do... I'm usually the one who asks those kinds of questions.
I just responded by affirming her thought on what time she should leave the house. I did not react to her statement about having a doctor's appointment... Definitely acted "as if" when she mentioned it.
Friday morning -- again -- I acted "as if"... In fact, I never even mentioned her doctor's appointment or asked her to let me know how it goes... (which is out of character for me as a caring W). Did not say anything... Just told her to have a good day like I normally do when she leaves.
Friday night -- we are discussing plans for Saturday and she asked if it would be okay for her to schedule a pedicure for mid-morning. I said sure. A little while later -- after she made the appointment -- she told me that it would be at 10:00 a.m. I said "okay, no problem." Then she says "I need to leave a little earlier than normal for it because I need to drop off a prescription that (doctor's name) gave me." I said "okay, no problem." then she said something about swinging by Mcdonald's afterwards to pick up lunch for the kids. Again -- I acted "as if" when she mentioned dropping off the prescription and did not ask any questions. I do think mentioning that she needed to leave a little early and why (to drop off the prescription) was totally unnecessary information to share with me -- not something that would have been a big deal to mention in the past. While I am very curious what the prescription is, I did not ask her.
I don't think she picked up the prescription today because I can't find it anywhere. I would love to know if it's for an antidepressant. But could be anyone's guess what it is...
I also find the statements she made so odd to me... why hide the info about the appointment from our shared family calendar, but then the night before tell me about it (in a weird way) and then mention the prescription like she did... It was all very odd...
Oh -- and we've been getting along great -- like really great, as if everything was just fine between us just without the physical affection, without the "I love you's", and without sleeping in the same room... But I know for a fact that OW is still in the picture, they still believe they are madly in love, and are still intent on being with each other somehow, someway despite the geographic distance.
Just all very bizarre...
And we have some fun family plans tomorrow morning with just the two of us and the kids -- I really am looking forward to it. Today was also just a good day at home with us and the kids... I hope all of this very positive family time is getting filed away somewhere in her brain to be processed later as "gosh, we really do have a happy little family -- WTH was I thinking/doing?!"
So we had a great outing as a family today... totally fun... But of course, at some early odd hour of the night/morning something woke me up and I got up to check on the kids... As I walked down the hallway I heard W talking... Was Skyping with OW... topic of convo -- their plans for a wedding...
So just having a day filled with mixed emotions... It seems the more I turn to God and prayer in this situation, the more my W and OW seem to move towards each other... And while I do feel God is working inside of me and helping me become the person I need to be, I can't help but wonder why I also have to keep enduring so much pain... Just when I think things can't get any worse, I learn something new and it just feels like the knife gets turned and twisted even deeper than it was before.
Our family outing just felt so normal and so good -- we all had fun... nothing makes any sense to me right at this moment... I just don't understand why this nightmare has to be happening to my family.
Sorry to not have a happy update today... Just really need to vent my frustration with this totally insane nightmare.
This is all probably hitting me harder today because today it is officially 10 years since we met... in 5 days it will be the anniversary of our first date which is the date that we consider our official anniversary. When we celebrated last year I thought maybe we would be planning something really big for this year since it would be our 10th... Well, something really big is happening, but it's not at all what I expected :-(
Jer,
IT.IS.NOT.YOU.
Your W is lost out in orbit. Your sitch reminds me of RosaLinda where her XH romanced a Russian OW through Skype and visited her over there to "spackle" her kitchen. Oh and eating fermented oatmeal because the OW thought it was good for his health.
Jer,
IT.IS.NOT.YOU.
Your W is lost out in orbit. Your sitch reminds me of RosaLinda where her XH romanced a Russian OW through Skype and visited her over there to "spackle" her kitchen. Oh and eating fermented oatmeal because the OW thought it was good for his health.
I know it's not me... I guess I'm just having a down moment where despite the progress I feel I've made through all of this, I'm realizing the craziness is just getting worse and it's hurting a lot right now... Oh -- BTW -- the A is still an EA b/c OW is saving herself for marriage (so really nothing physical happened on the crazy trip to see OW) -- which is why they were discussing their future wedding and how W can respect OW's wish to wait until they are married... (And OW is STILL not "out" her any of her family and friends -- I'm sure they are all just going to be overjoyed when she comes out to them and tells them who she is in love with and their plans for getting married...)
Up until about a year ago, my W was still talking to me about our wedding plans for when it becomes legal in our state... so hearing all of this really felt like huge knife being twisted in my heart -- especially to hear it on the anniversary of the day W and I met... Ugh!
I know she's in orbit... I'm just trying to get back to being able to accept this as it is... so freaking frustrating and painful right now.
BTW -- I have not acknowledged to her that today is the anniversary of the day we met. She knows what today's date is and what it means to us -- no need for me to remind her... And she knows that I know what the date is because every year since we met I've acknowledged today and our first date anniversary as our two special anniversary dates. Not sure if she will even notice that I am not acknowledging the date today or not... guess it doesn't really matter, does it?
Jer,
Our BD happened as we reached 20 years of marriage. I had, previously, fantasies of renewing our vows in our backyard.
It seems the more I turn to God and prayer in this situation, the more my W and OW seem to move towards each other... And while I do feel God is working inside of me and helping me become the person I need to be, I can't help but wonder why I also have to keep enduring so much pain... Just when I think things can't get any worse, I learn something new and it just feels like the knife gets turned and twisted even deeper than it was before.
Sounds like you are realizing how...the stronger and more YOU become on this journey, the less you have in common with your spouse. I think that's very normal.
Just remember, nothing you do or don't do will impact what happens on her journey.
You could win the lottery, have plastic surgery to make you look like the most beautiful woman in the world and your partner would still make these hurtful choices. Not something you can control. I'm sorry, I know it hurts.
Don't confuse turning to God and becoming who you are intended to be...as some cause and effect with losing your spouse.
Sadly, your spouse is light years behind you right now in terms of maturity. You are viewing the situation as an adult and she is not. She is unable to view the world as a grown up right now.
You can't hold yourself in a holding pattern because she is in crisis. You and your children deserve better.
If she wakes up, she will have the choice to grow and catch up...or not. Still, not under your control. You can only be YOU. :-)
Imagine she has some been infected with some sort of bug. Until it works its way through her system, she is not going to be herself. It could take years...it probably will. It just is.
Bad things happen to families. It doesn't mean your life is over. It just means things are different than you planned. Use this time to focus on you and make yourself everything God intended.
Thanks for so many great points and reminders Lois...
Especially the points about maturity. I do feel that so strongly right now... And in a sense it (this entire situation) feels like maturity = selflessness and immaturity = selfishness.
Definitely not trying to stay in a holding pattern... trying very hard to get back to being fully employed so I can fully support myself and move out so W can live the life she thinks she wants to live now. And I know you are right -- she is going to continue on down this destructive path regardless of who I am or what I do.
The good news is that I have definitely embraced my newly rediscovered connection with God and I do not intend to stop turning to God as I move forward in my life. As horrible as all of this is, I do know that part of my journey now must be spiritual -- not only as a way to survive and thrive during my W's crisis, but to survive and thrive through everything that will come my way for the rest of my life. This also includes recognizing and being grateful for all that God has given me in my life -- my children, 9.5 wonderful years with an amazing woman (who has just gone bonkers thanks to MLC), an incredible network of friends and family members, and an amazing career path that felt so random at times but now appears so well designed (but wasn't designed consciously by me... very clear to me now that God was guiding me through every step along in my career even if I didn't feel the connection like I do now.)
Ummmmm this is more than a little weird. In this day and age a marriage with someone who is not yet 'out' to her family, and with whom there has been nothing physical. . . .
What could possibly go wrong here?
Oh, and what everyone said - great posts.
Jer,
I really think a lot of this is "Mind over Matter."
I imagine I would be much further ahead...and probably wouldn't have done some regretful things had I convinced myself that my husband had left for a long journey.
I think back now and I wish I had tried harder, in the beginning, to push thoughts of him out of my mind. It's possible.
If, when he had come into my thoughts, I would have forced myself to accept the reality that he left for a journey to Mt. Everest and there's no telling when and if he will return.
It would have been a much kinder way, kinder to me, for me to move forward with my life. I got stuck in all those feelings of...what about the renewing of the marriage vows? What about all those good memories together? What of this and what of that????
Bottom line: Many spouses lose their partners to death and illness and whatever. Women have had to survive the loss of spouses since time began.
I would have been better off...just getting on with it and letting him go.
Use the power of your mind to make things easier. Imagine a scenario where it doesn't hurt so much...maybe she is off fighting terrorists? Maybe she is discovering a cure for cancer in the jungle?
Find what works for you and practice it.
Imagine yourself five years from now...sitting pretty in a beautiful home with a spectacular view and come up with five specific ways you got there. How did you achieve that serenity? How did you earn our living? How did you let your spouse go?
You can do this.
Ummmmm this is more than a little weird. In this day and age a marriage with someone who is not yet 'out' to her family, and with whom there has been nothing physical. . . .
What could possibly go wrong here?
Oh let's just count the ways this could go so wrong... But they're living in fantasyland and believe they are "soulmates" and that nothing can stand in their way... W in MLC and OW just in mid-20s-I-really-don't-know-myself-or-what-I-really-want-from-life-yet... Both my W and I are old enough to be the mother of OW, and her parents are very religious and conservative... I am sure they are going to be thrilled to learn about all of this and more than happy to give their blessing. *eyeroll*
And the whole "nothing physical yet" -- I totally did NOT believe my W last week when she opened up to me about OW and the trip and swore that nothing physical had happened yet -- didn't believe her because I know my W and her, ummm, appetite... But when I overheard the conversation early this morning -- now I believe her... But, yeah, still weird...
Use the power of your mind to make things easier. Imagine a scenario where it doesn't hurt so much...maybe she is off fighting terrorists? Maybe she is discovering a cure for cancer in the jungle?
Find what works for you and practice it.
Imagine yourself five years from now...sitting pretty in a beautiful home with a spectacular view and come up with five specific ways you got there. How did you achieve that serenity? How did you earn our living? How did you let your spouse go?
You can do this.
Again -- so many great points for me to think about going forward... And I think you just gave me some homework for this week :-)
Jer,
I haven't posted much lately but you seem like a great person and mom. Just something about yours posts always sound so honest yet optimistic.
You've gotten great advice. However, one thing I do notice in your posts is that I feel like you are hoping there will be a break through with W. This all takes time and it seems unlikely your W will have an epiphany anytime soon. I know this very difficult and it just flat out sukks. But leave her to her deal with her crisis. You can rationalize with an irrational person. Or to quote my xh as he was sobbing uncontrollably, "I have no idea how you can function being so logical." That solidified that I wasn't the crazy one.
Hang in there:-)
...one thing I do notice in your posts is that I feel like you are hoping there will be a break through with W. This all takes time and it seems unlikely your W will have an epiphany anytime soon. I know this very difficult and it just flat out sukks. But leave her to her deal with her crisis. You can rationalize with an irrational person. Or to quote my xh as he was sobbing uncontrollably, "I have no idea how you can function being so logical." That solidified that I wasn't the crazy one.
Hang in there:-)
That is my fatal flaw... While intellectually I get that this is going to take a long time -- and I can have many moments where I get that and am okay with it and can comfortably see myself living somewhere else and being happy on my own while W goes on around in orbit -- I also have emotional moments where my eternal optimist comes out hoping and praying for a breakthrough/miracle... and it does hurt when I get slapped with nuggets of reality like overhearing the conversation about a wedding this morning.
Thanks for saying that I sound like a great person and a great mom... That is my goal always -- to be the best person I can be for my kids, myself, my W (even if she doesn't appreciate it right now), all of my family and friends, and to everyone I encounter in this world. I always want to make my little corner of the world a better place while I am in it. :-)
I love your post Jer2911, it's so spot on for me. That sounds like the right path to be on, keep it up.
You know a good friend of mine told me at the time my xh left that the sex in MLC is largely in their heads! At the time I thought he was wrong, and now I am not so sure.
One of my friends whose xh had (and is still having) a MLC - one of the
slow ones(!) discovered later that the woman he left for he stopped having sex with when he moved in with her. Nada for at least a couple of years. And he left for (among other things) a better sex life.
It makes you think just how much of a fantasy world they inhabit
You know a good friend of mine told me at the time my xh left that the sex in MLC is largely in their heads! At the time I thought he was wrong, and now I am not so sure.
One of my friends whose xh had (and is still having) a MLC - one of the
slow ones(!) discovered later that the woman he left for he stopped having sex with when he moved in with her. Nada for at least a couple of years. And he left for (among other things) a better sex life.
It makes you think just how much of a fantasy world they inhabit
I can believe that now that I see more of the reality of my W's MLC situation... this started with sexual fantasy (can't go into details -- but I do know that's how it started) online, which resulted in this odd friendship that grew into something more... BD occurred once I realized their sexting fantasy stuff had moved from sexting about celebrities to sexting to each other and expressing their "love" for one another... Very convenient that OW is "saving" herself for marriage but immersed herself in an enormous amount of written fantasy (which attracted my W)... There are also some other things I have picked up on that are too personal to share here -- but there is more that I know related to this not being better than the reality that W has had with me (physically).
Oh well... nothing I can do about W's choice to live in the fantasy world rather than work on improving reality. :-)
Jer ... just got caught up ... ughhh what a kick in the gut.
Ya know reading about your sitch ... like I mentioned before I think the fact OW is not local, not present with a good percentage of your W in MLC mode makes the A just take longer, when one or the other is upset they can easily avoid ... regroup and come back as a fresh ray of sunshine. I am not sure what happened to OM in my sitch .. but I would guess he couldn't hang with all the crazy my W can pack into her purse.
The other thing ... Ok .. OW younger, not completely knowing who she is, your W seemingly trying to say all the things to get her to do as she wants ... lets get married ... thats just a way for her to get OW to loosen up ... I mean come on we can have sex because we are going to get married ... there is just so much on the surface that is working against this R ... breathe, you are handling this remarkably ... I would have flipped to be honest, but there is a good side of believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do, she is in La-La land and its all just fantasy talk. Hang in there ... its a long crappy ride .... focus on where YOU will be and WHO you want to become ... do not allow this to define you, you are to good for that.
Not sure what country OW is in, but do you think this could be a scam? I mean, she hasn't slept with your W (even though they were together), is "saving herself" for marriage but isn't bothered by breaking up your family? Is it possible she is just looking for a green card? This scenario has surely played out in a lot of heterosexual affairs here. Sometimes the OP has several people on the line, just waiting to see which one will come through with a marriage proposal and green card status first. OR they're just scamming money, getting the WAS to send them money for bills, airline tickets, etc. , milking it for whatever they can get until the WAS finally figures out they've been had.
Is OW from a country where this might be likely? (Seems like Russia, Asia, South Africa have been the places I've seen on this board. One guy left his wife for a South African prostitute he met online - he married her and brought her to the U.S.)
^^^
Can not lie I thought the same too ... or at least to a point she is just playing along with the fantasy to get her kicks.
OW is not from one of those countries, but that thought has crossed my mind... If so, she's a wonderful actress with the background story she's given my W. The only glitch in that is how they met -- it was online, but not in a place where scammers might be targeting people. I can't give more details than that -- but was definitely not a dating site.
However, there are so many more earmarks of a scam -- marriage to get green card, receiving $$ from my W (I do know for a fact that this is happening -- but to me W complains about being in debt...), etc.
I don't think it's a scam, but it sure is a very messed up sitch.
Jer ... just got caught up ... ughhh what a kick in the gut.
Ya know reading about your sitch ... like I mentioned before I think the fact OW is not local, not present with a good percentage of your W in MLC mode makes the A just take longer, when one or the other is upset they can easily avoid ... regroup and come back as a fresh ray of sunshine. I am not sure what happened to OM in my sitch .. but I would guess he couldn't hang with all the crazy my W can pack into her purse.
Yep -- unfortunately, you are right... it just allows this to drag out longer because they don't have to deal with each other in day-to-day reality. As I write that I think -- go ahead, move here and get married to my W... then let me count the days it takes for you to run crying back to your family and friends in your home country! There is no way a 25 yr old with no relationship experience is going to have the relationship skills to deal with or put up with a 45 yr old in the middle of an MLC... and a 45 yr old with lots of baggage, existing demons/issues that she won't deal with (hence the MLC), and an existing family of 3 kids and an ex who is MUCH more mature (and loved by W's family) :-)
The other thing ... Ok .. OW younger, not completely knowing who she is, your W seemingly trying to say all the things to get her to do as she wants ... lets get married ... thats just a way for her to get OW to loosen up ... I mean come on we can have sex because we are going to get married ... there is just so much on the surface that is working against this R ... breathe, you are handling this remarkably ... I would have flipped to be honest, but there is a good side of believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do, she is in La-La land and its all just fantasy talk. Hang in there ... its a long crappy ride .... focus on where YOU will be and WHO you want to become ... do not allow this to define you, you are to good for that.
I never thought about it like that but you hit on something that I think could be so true... And, very much like my W... I love her dearly, but she is very skilled at doing and saying things to get people to do what she wants... She is VERY charming (she reeled me in that way) and is very skilled at saying the right things to relieve one's fears and concerns... She did so much of that when we met and started dating -- it moved very quickly despite my concerns... She does have a ton of great qualities -- I wouldn't have fallen in love with her and stayed with her for 10 years (and still love her) if that weren't true... But she does have the ability and skills to do exactly what you are describing. In fact, based on the conversation I overheard on Friday morning, I almost think she could be using some reverse psychology on OW to do exactly what you are thinking -- get OW to give in before marriage... Wow... As manipulative as all that sounds, I almost hope it's the truth so I don't have to stomach the two of them actually getting married. That thought makes me more ill than the thought of them having sex.
Thanks for the words of support and confidence... I had a really good IC session today focused on me and my journey... And like you've said -- out of these bad situations can come some good... Like me being on an important journey that I now see is necessary for me to be able to deal in a very mature way with everything that will be thrown at me in the last half of my life. I am in the process of developing the strength, skills, and faith that I will need going forward as my kids get older (and become teens -- eek!) and as my parents become older... Not to mention my own aging :-) I was not focused on the need to develop that kind of maturity or those skills or that level of faith before BD, but now I see clearly what I need to be doing to become that person -- and it's happening slowly, but surely as I go through all of this.
Also had another wonderfully serendipitous moment this morning where it was clear that God is with me in this and that I am more connected to Him now that I have ever been in my life... And that is such a good thing. Won't go into details, but will say that it led me to stop by the bookstore today where I stumbled across a book that had something in it that I NEEDED to read today which immediately prompted me to purchase a study bible that I can now use to mark up scripture passages that speak to me through all of this and going forward. I did not go into the bookstore looking for the book that had a short chapter that spoke me, nor did I go in the bookstore with the thought of buying a bible -- but it all happened and afterwards I felt so certain that it was all supposed to happen just that way.
He is working in my life... I just need to continue striving to "let go and let God" and "be still" so He can continue working in my life :-)
Jer - it isn't necessarily an obvious scam, but many of those who hook in MLCers make a lot of money out of it. The OW I mentioned in my earlier email got a lot of money and a house . . . . And it wasn't an on-line pick either.
My xh's first OW did very very well out of my xh in spite of him assuring me that she wasn't at all materialistic (unlike little old bourgeois me, ha ha)
^^^
Can not lie I thought the same too ... or at least to a point she is just playing along with the fantasy to get her kicks.
Or... maybe not originally a scam, but definitely playing along to take advantage of the sitch in order to get the green card and eventually citizenship. Like -- perhaps that wasn't her intention to begin with, but once the ball started rolling she saw the opportunity and is pursing it since the opportunity is there.
^^^
Can not lie I thought the same too ... or at least to a point she is just playing along with the fantasy to get her kicks.
Or... maybe not originally a scam, but definitely playing along to take advantage of the sitch in order to get the green card and eventually citizenship. Like -- perhaps that wasn't her intention to begin with, but once the ball started rolling she saw the opportunity and is pursing it since the opportunity is there.
The red flag is that "Saving myself for marriage thing" ... I mean its not the 1800's and in your case its a same sex deal ya know?? .. just struck me as seriously odd. Your W has blinders on and is in full mode fantasy ville. Just things I would watch .. guard you and yours is all you can do ... I laugh at trying to talk to them logically, but the more I learn of the MLC and all that comes with it the more you can see how easily manipulated they can be.
Even if it is a scam, W in MLC-mode would never listen to my concerns anyway (since I'm the cause of her unhappiness and the enemy, right?)... So if it is a scam, then there is nothing I can do about it except let her believe what she wants to believe about OW and learn this lesson the hard way.
The red flag is that "Saving myself for marriage thing" ... I mean its not the 1800's and in your case its a same sex deal ya know?? .. just struck me as seriously odd.
Yes -- but she goes to a VERY conservative church and everyone there "saves" themselves for marriage... At least according to OW... Again, could all be part of the act/scam if it is a scam...
But I'm with you on the weirdness of that... C'mon, it's 2015...
Unfortunately, I'm the only one who knows most of the full story of all of this -- I don't think W is telling the whole story to her friends and family as she slowly starts telling people about OW... And she won't take any advice on this sitch from me, so the only people she might listen to don't know enough to be throwing up those warning flags about a possible scam.
And if those people have been told the whole story and haven't thrown up warning flags (and only given her their blessing), then they are not the kind of friends I thought she had in her life.
Definitely making me happy right now that we've kept our finances separate. If this is a scam it's going to be a very painful experience for her, but I can't do anything about it. This falls into that "not my circus, not my monkeys" category I think :-)
she won't take any advice on this sitch from me, so the only people she might listen to don't know enough to be throwing up those warning flags about a possible scam.
MLCers don't listen to a damn thing from ANYONE.
That is becoming painfully clear... except the OW/OM... they will listen to the OW/OM -- even if OW/OM doesn't have enough life experience to being giving out advice!
Yup. In my experience, the OW has the only influence over the spouse. And it is with very selfish intentions. And the spouse is like a puppet, yet a master manipulator, too. They control each other in a sick way. Very unhealthy.
I think maybe that's why they don't listen to anyone else. Because they are so involved in toxicity that they want nothing to do with reality.
It's very painful and disturbing to see.
Mighty was the one I thought of when it comes to manipulation of a MLC'r ... I was pretty detached or in the dark with my W's A and the OM, so I have no idea really .. but I do know she did things she would NEVER have done normally .. OM or MLC .. both? ... who knows.
When I think back on the early communication between the two of them (around BD), there was definitely manipulation going on on both sides... I assume it's still going on, but can't be sure on OW's end because I can only hear what my W says when I overhear the Skype or phone calls... And I'm usually sound asleep when those are occurring... I only overhear stuff when something wakes me up in the early hours of the morning.
Most definitely the most influential person in my W's life right now is OW... But she's started having lunch with this odd friend that she used to work with -- and I saw some of their early text messages (after BD) and everything was very negative regarding me... very hurtful stuff... (Based on what I've read between them, this "friend" is a very gossipy, negative person so unlike W's other friends that I love.) Seems to fit with the pattern of becoming closer to friends who don't know the LBS very well so MLC'er can demonize the LBS to justify the bad behavior. W can't demonize me with her closest and oldest friends because they know me very well -- so she has been telling them a different story.
Anyway... Today is a new day... I had a very relaxing meditation/prayer time this morning -- I find myself waking up and really looking forward to that every day. Not sure how I've managed to live my adult life without that every morning!
Again -- no matter what, I will be okay and I am definitely on an important and beneficial journey that is helping shape me into a much better version of myself. Jer 1.0 was already a "catch" and a "keeper" -- Jer 2.0 will be impossible to resist to anyone who is alert and thinking rationally :-) (And I don't mean that just in terms of relationships/marriage... True for all relationships: with my kids, other family members, friends, and even colleagues and potential employers -- go back and read my posts about last week's job interview... That is my present and future.)
MLCer = manipulation!
In case you are interested, what happens down the line is that your W will then almost certainly criticise you for putting a wedge between her and your old friends (as if they had no mind of their own).
It eventually goes pear shaped. Oh dear.
MLCer = manipulation!
In case you are interested, what happens down the line is that your W will then almost certainly criticise you for putting a wedge between her and your old friends (as if they had no mind of their own).
It eventually goes pear shaped. Oh dear.
Lovely.
Of course, that wouldn't surprise me... easier to believe that than to believe that those friends and family members might be right in their opinion/assessment of the situation. Because to believe that the friends and family members are right would mean W would have to admit that her behavior is wrong... And we can't have that now can we?
Jer,
Bea is right - you will be criticised, possibly not only for 'putting a wedge', but perhaps even for 'poisoning' others towards your X.
Everything bad that happens to them is tied back to you and your evil ways.
Great to hear that you're seeing important changes in your relationships with others. There is s positive to this horrible thing that we've been put through and it's good to hear you expressing it so well.
I'm sure I will be blamed for all of it... Nothing would surprise me at this point... this is by far the craziest thing I've ever encountered in my entire life...
Definitely working hard to find the positive in all of this... and to create more positives within what I can control. That's all I can do, right :-) (Well, that and continue to pray for my W and the situation -- giving it all to God while I work on myself)
W just got home with more craziness re: planning fall trip to visit OW -- telling me the dates as if it's no big deal and acting completely normal... I. just. can't.
Just reciting the serenity prayer repeatedly in my mind right now...
And reminding myself that I am not the crazy one in this situation.
(BTW - in my last post I said nothing surprises me at this point -- and this bit of craziness does not surprise me... It just baffles me that she can appear to be thinking so rationally, when she clearly is not, about a situation that is just completely insane. Oh and -- I found out that prescription she got from the doc was not ADs... So despite the fact that doc has heard from me (the spouse) and another family member that W is having MLC and has been depressed for some time, W must have completely denied it w/doc and refused ADs. Doc is too smart to have been fooled by W, but doc can't prescribe something if W won't take it.)
Serenity prayer...
You're not alone Jer, really. This is so unfair...but YOU will be OK.
We've all been rejected in horrible ways. Remind yourself that YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. Grown ups don't toss away relationships like garbage.
Grown ups don't toss away relationships like garbage.
So true. Especially when there are children involved.
Having a "down" day today... Just feeling so frustrated with the entire situation... The unfairness of it all just makes me feel so defeated.
I know -- I know -- I am on my own journey and there are many ways for me to pull positives out of this horrible sitch... But right now I just feel so much anger because it just seems like nothing is standing in the way of my W and OW... It's as if everything is just going their way so perfectly and they are just so "in love" and happy -- at least from my vantage point -- and it just makes me so angry. Everything about their R is wrong, and so many people (many family members and friends) are being hurt and will be hurt by the actions they are taking... And I'm just having a day where all of this is bothering me so much...
If I didn't know any better, by observing how everything so far does seem to be working out so well for them, I'd be thinking that God or the universe has blessed their R and is protecting them... When it's our family that should be blessed and protected. Grrr....
I know I shouldn't let this bother me or anger me... And I am having more days where I can detach and just focus on me -- but today is not one of those days...
Just needed to vent.
Jer,
I am sorry your are having a difficult day. It is totally normal and understandable.
Remember, W will do what she does. That's her decision. I know it hurts. However, Jer can focus on Jer and the kids and make life really awesome. Yes, there will be hiccups along the way. Caca days. Days where you want to stick your head in the refrigerator door. Slam. Repeat. It's life.
You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the "whys?", "How could theys?", and the "Do they really thinks?'. Seriously. It's easier said than done but don't give yourself a migraine.
For some of these peeps, "true love" (ahem) blossoms in the most unconventional and mysterious ways. Life has a way of working out the way it should. I have had to fight the urge to "teach xh a lesson." And I am relieved to say that feeling has subsided substantially. As a matter of fact, I am at more of a place of "meh. It is what it is." And you know what? It is out of my control. I can only control moi.
Hang in there:)
Thanks Georgiabelle...
Jer just spent over an hour doing some personal bible study/reading... Feeling a little more at peace... Trying hard to focus on me, trust that God is working within this situation and does have a plan and good future for me and my children, and trying to remember to be thankful for the many blessings that I have been given in my life including some throughout this storm in my family's life.
And I include the many people in this forum in those blessings...
One of the things that I read during this past hour was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 -- Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
This made me think of all of the people on this forum who've been through this crazy MLC journey and who spend time here responding to those of us who are just beginning this journey or who are right in the middle of this crazy journey -- so many of you are doing exactly what is spoken of in that passage -- you are guiding us and comforting us (as much as anyone can be comforted in this situation) with your experience and the knowledge that you gained as you went through this. And that is something that I do consider a great blessing during this time in my life... I'm not sure I'd be where I am right now in this process if it weren't for the archived posts filled with tons of great information and the many people here who take time to share, respond, push-back, and provide guidance.
Jer .... you are just fine ... I shake my head reading your sitch as it was not long ago I was right there.
Like GB said Jer ... you can only really control YOU, your W is in replay, probably one of the most brutal of all the stages as far as the just plain selfishness of it all. I do follow you pretty well, the thing I think you need to start doing more of ... get out of her head and really get your GAL on, even if thats something with the kids. I am telling you because I was there, consumed with W, how she sounded on the phone, how she looked, what nights she was solo or with OM ... do not waste that energy there, waste it chasing those kids around, making memories, rebuilding yourself .. I see you starting ... keep at it.
You do not want W in this condition do you? As far as God protecting their R ... like I said before .. the fact they can not really be close is going to string the R out longer (More patience on your part than you would ever want to endure) ... but seriously ... looking at it from the outside, they really have little in common, can not share much that is relevant, its nothing more than something built on a weak foundation in fantasy-ville ... it will run its course, most of them just do. Where and who you will be at that point is what your journey is about. Jer 2.0 will be amazing ... you know that, do not let her and her crazy derail you.
Thing is Jer ... I was like you thinking .. ok it OP would just get out of the picture W would start figuring stuff out .. nope .. the OM seems to be gone but W is still processing, this thing takes so much time and by the end who knows who W will be, or who the LBS will be for that matter. All we can do is become the person God meant us to be, I know that now, that's my focus ... can not control what our MLC'rs are going to do ... heck they can not control it and will have to make mistake after mistake till they bottom out ... its up to them to go through the tunnels, we have our own path we must walk, the power is truly all in our court even though at times it does not feel that way.
Hang in there, you are going to be just fine.
Like GB said Jer ... you can only really control YOU, your W is in replay, probably one of the most brutal of all the stages as far as the just plain selfishness of it all.
Brutal is a nice way to describe this! :-)
I do follow you pretty well, the thing I think you need to start doing more of ... get out of her head and really get your GAL on, even if thats something with the kids.
So hard to get out of her head... Especially since we still live together and that keeps me exposed to so much right now... For example, last night her mom had the kids so we were alone at home... Not long after I went off to the master bedroom I could hear her talking downstairs -- they were Skyping and W didn't bother to plug in the headphones so I was able to hear both of them talking very loudly downstairs. Went back to bedroom and turned up my television so I could drown out the conversation...
I am telling you because I was there, consumed with W, how she sounded on the phone, how she looked, what nights she was solo or with OM ... do not waste that energy there, waste it chasing those kids around, making memories, rebuilding yourself .. I see you starting ... keep at it.
Yes -- too consumed with that some days... so need to let go of that and focus on me and the kids...
You do not want W in this condition do you?
No. I don't. I just wish that instead of pursing OW and wanting divorce/separation she had just asked for some time for herself without destroying our family... But I guess that would require her to be thinking logically and on a mature and selfless level...
As far as God protecting their R ... like I said before .. the fact they can not really be close is going to string the R out longer (More patience on your part than you would ever want to endure) ... but seriously ... looking at it from the outside, they really have little in common, can not share much that is relevant, its nothing more than something built on a weak foundation in fantasy-ville ... it will run its course, most of them just do.
If I could share more here, then it would be even more clear how little they do share in common... Even the way they met -- was through something that my W only very recently took an interest in and has now dropped as she has started to focus more on trying to figure out the logistics of a future with OW... From what I can tell, the only thing they really share in common is an interest in some of the same kinds of music and a few television shows -- and of course, their fantasy of what their life together will be like... blech...
Where and who you will be at that point is what your journey is about. Jer 2.0 will be amazing ... you know that, do not let her and her crazy derail you...
Hang in there, you are going to be just fine.
Thanks :-) I definitely count you as one of those "blessings" through all of this... Reading your sitch and your comments on my sitch as well as on other sitches does help me process what I am going through.
And you are right -- I really like where I am heading in terms of my personal growth and I do think Jer 2.0 is taking shape to be someone really wonderful in many different ways.
Its a long road Jer ... very very long. And yeah you are still in the trenches, still very close to ground zero.
Thing is ... I know you wish your W would have just asked for time and space and worked on herself ... in her MLC noggin that is what she is doing now, the pain is so great she is looking for a fix ... I equate it to someone who has ... toss in your disease, instead of going to the Doctor to get set up for treatments ... they go to the bar, get drunk, the pain is gone that night ... but they wake up feeling like crap again .. but hey that drinking worked .. so lets stay at it .. well they can not run from it forever, some do but those are the ones stuck and miserable ... hopefully she will realize .. ok this is not working either... then its on to something else, maybe its treatment finally .. or maybe they try something else.
I think the trick is to get out of their way, get out of their heads, no room for sane up in there anyways. I would not be shocked with yours if she went from OW1 and started a OM2 who is closer and available to get her fix. Mine seemed to dabble with a OM2 just for a bit .... but I think she quickly realized that was not helping either ... for the moment she seems to be 'off' men. It helps to ... I know this is bad to say .. but it helped me... view them as a science project, like in a container, you can not change nor alter their environment .. just notice what is happening, how they behave ... document and watch. Currently I am watching the couch in her place ... the thing is placed in a ridiculous position and it just humors the heck out of me. My own way of making this thing funny.
I think I am about 2-3 years into this ... I did not discover this site till what .. late July, figured out MLC in August, so its only been 6 months I have actually known what I was dealing with and slowly learned how to better deal with it ... and the best of those lessons had nothing to do with W, it was all about me, finding myself, letting go, finding peace regardless of what W did, rebuilding ME. I see myself looking down the D barrel, but I am good.. she might need this, she may be rethinking .. regardless she is not someone I want at this moment. I am not in her way on ANYTHING, she can try to blame me but at this point its just punching the air for her.
Try to get there Jer ...Jer2.0.. its the hardest but most rewarding part of all of this.
Try to get there Jer ...Jer2.0.. its the hardest but most rewarding part of all of this.
I'm trying... :-)
The couch thing is funny... I've read your posts about it before... There are moments when I can detach enough to just sit and observe like W is a science experiment -- I just need for those "detached" moments to be more frequent and longer in length.
^^^I think Cali is in training to become the next 'moderator' for this forum. :-) He's doing a great job. What he said.
Jer, you seem to have come a long way in a relatively short time. There is lots to endure, for sure. And you seem to have found your path. Stay on it, and you will continue to become the better, smarter, wiser, stronger person your were always meant to be! You just might leave W in the dust...
^^^I think Cali is in training to become the next 'moderator' for this forum. :-) He's doing a great job. What he said.
Jer, you seem to have come a long way in a relatively short time. There is lots to endure, for sure. And you seem to have found your path. Stay on it, and you will continue to become the better, smarter, wiser, stronger person your were always meant to be! You just might leave W in the dust...
Thanks so much :-)
I am trying hard to stay on MY path... And I am beginning to have moments where I feel like I've already left W in the dust. :-)
^^^I think Cali is in training to become the next 'moderator' for this forum. :-) He's doing a great job. What he said.
Oh heck no ... lol
I think when you have a collective group here going through what we all are/have been going through there are little lessons you learn, sometimes on your own, sometimes from someone here who figured out a little trick/technique that makes it just a little easier to deal with. Passing this stuff on, pounding it over and over till it sinks in and you 'get it' ... that's where the relief from the pain comes ... I think we all can help each other out in little ways here and there .. but honestly its up to the individual to truly get there.
my .02
You got that right Cali, it is up to us in the end. And yes, I have to say I have read some of the same things many times here, and it seems like one day it just clicks. And then we've taken another step toward becoming ourselves again. One foot in front of the other. We'll all get there eventually...
Today should be our 10th anniversary.
When I woke up this morning I immediately asked God to fill me with lots of peace and love today, and I instantly felt an overwhelming amount of peace surge through my body. I also immediately felt a huge amount of gratitude for this day... Had we not gone out on that "date" 10 years ago then I wouldn't have everything that I now have in my life -- 3 amazing kids, 9.5 very happy years with someone who I still love deeply and who made me feel very loved for all of those years, and a large family filled with people who love all of us so much and who continue to keep prayers around my W as well as around all of us.
As much I this sitch hurts, I can also express some gratitude for it being a catalyst for an enormous amount of growth (spiritual, emotional, mental) and maturity that I never expected but that I now know is essential for me to move forward in my life.
Not sending the following message to her -- so no need to panic and tell me not to... this is just for my benefit...
To my W:
Sweetheart,
You may never realize how much you have brought into my life, and right now you may only be able to see the negative... But trust me when I say that I never regret meeting up with you for that date and making all of the decisions that followed to build a life and family with you. I will take all of the pain and never have any regrets because all of the good we have had over the past 10 years (even if right now you can't remember any of it) far outweighs all of the bad that has occurred over the past several months.
I do wish we were anticipating a fun romantic dinner to celebrate our anniversary tonight, but that is not meant to be for us right now. I won't tell you Happy Anniversary today or buy you a card or a dozen roses. Today will go by unacknowledged by us -- and for now I will just be happy that things are at least more peaceful in the house between us despite the fact that we are still moving forward towards separation and that you and OW are planning a future together. But in my heart I know what today is and what it means for me. In my heart I still believe in "us" even if you don't right now.
All my love,
--
I have spent the past few days immersed in some serious bible study and prayer, and as a result my eyes have been opened to some blessings that have occurred in my life since BD.
To be very clear -- I know we are still in this mess for the long-haul and that W and I still have our own individual journeys to take through her MLC... We are still moving towards separation/divorce, I am still focusing on getting a full-time job (had a great interview last week) so I can move out, W is still in a major MLC with no awareness of her need to focus inward to solve her problems, and W's (escape fantasy) EA with OW is still going strong. God has not worked any huge miracle in our life -- but God is working on many things throughout this sitch and I wanted to share those things here as a way to recognize and give God some praise for doing these things in my/our lives.
I also posted this in the Prayer Circle thread in the Infidelity forum, but felt the need to share it here as well. What I failed to mention in the original post over in the other forum is another huge blessing with the awesome job interview that I had last week. That interview was amazing, and it also opened my eyes to how God has been working in my life ALL of my life, even when I didn't feel His presence or request His guidance -- my CV/resume reflects nothing short of divine guidance in many of my career decisions that allowed me to take some interesting and exciting detours leading me to a unique set of knowledge and skills that make me very "attractive" right now in my field.
So here is the original post...
I am reflecting on how much I have been praying for God to "fix" my W and to heal/restore our marriage, and as I reflect on this I am becoming more and more aware of how God is working in my life since BD.
To be clear -- my W still wants separation/divorce and her EA with OW is still going strong... To the point where they are planning additional trips to see in each other in person, and W & I have had open conversations about OW and their intentions to have a future together.
However...
Since BD, as I have been praying and more recently engaging in a more active study of the bible, I can now see where God is working in this entire sitch and I feel the need to share it here as a way to give God some praise for the work He is doing here...
1. I am increasingly growing in my faith and developing a much closer relationship with God that I have NEVER had in my entire life... and it is only through this relationship that I have been able to be as strong as I have been through what has felt like a living nightmare in my life.
2. I am still living in our home with my W and our children -- despite W's desire that I would move out right after Christmas. Not only am I still living here, but...
3. W and I are actually getting along like good friends -- and I was convinced around Christmas time that if I didn't move out as soon as possible that W's anger and bitterness would only grow and she would end up hating me... Which leads me to believe that...
4. God is working on softening W's heart towards me... That God is working on removing the anger and bitterness that W was feeling towards me and replacing it with, at the very least, friendly feelings... And this strengthens my faith that God is working to turn her heart around despite what I see and hear regarding her EA with OW...
5. I know for a fact now that W and OW still have only had an EA because I now know for certain that OW is "saving" herself for marriage. This is a huge blessing in my opinion -- an EA is still horrible and of course this could change in the future, but for now the EA has not become a PA.
6. Our weekends have been filled with much more quality family time than before BD. Both W and I seem to be making a greater effort over the past several weeks to focus more on the kids on the weekend -- going out to dinner together as a family, playing games together at home, choosing movies that all of us can watch together, etc.
Yes, the sitch still appears to be headed towards a poor outcome for our R/M, but my faith is growing that God is working to turn this around and I am working hard to rely on my faith in God and not on my own understanding. Notice I said the sitch "appears" and not "is" -- because I don't know what kind of work God is doing right now in my W's heart and in the heart of OW. :-) Some of the blessings listed above are small, but a couple are rather huge... not quite as huge as my W having a sudden and overwhelming urge to reconcile, but these are still victories in my opinion and I feel that is so very important that I give God some praise for all of these blessings.
God is great and I know He is working strongly within me and within our lives. I fully believe that He is working all things for good in my life right now, and I intend to continue praying as I also continue to recognize any and all blessings that come our way as we go through this very difficult trial in our lives.
Jer,
Keep using your faith as fuel. Use it to push you forward. Fill your tank and press on. I turned to my faith to ease the pain, which is fine...but, now, I'm seeing how I can use my faith, draw on it to reach what's in front me...things that I would have previously believed unattainable.
I'm learning there's more to this than pain management.
He sees you how you really are. He sees who you are in your purest form. He sees a you that you've never met. The best, brightest, most joyous you. Who is she? That's what I'm discovering.
Who is the Heather that God knows? Who is Heather...minus the marital drama, alcoholic husband, cheating father, negative experiences????
Who is Jer at her core? What makes her a priceless treasure? You've survived so far...she must be pretty amazing.
Heather -- that is what I am learning as well on this journey... first it was about getting through the pain -- now it's about greater discoveries, knowing that God does have a plan forward for all of us (and that this MLC experience is a part of that bigger plan), learning to walk through life with faith and gratitude for everything God is doing in my life, and learning how to be the person He knows I can be in all areas of my life.
Ok -- spring break is over... that means everyone in the school district is back at work today...
I am declaring that this week I will begin to hear from some folks in the school district with requests for me to come in to interview for some fantastic career opportunities!
:-)
W got some extremely bad financial news yesterday regarding her business taxes... And now I see monster beginning to re-emerge because her "exit plan" for getting me out of the house has hit a major obstacle -- she simply can't afford to buy me out of my % of the house right now and she also can't afford a lawyer to represent her on the co-parenting agreement that we need to eventually file with the court.
She also now does not have the financial means to help me with furnishing a new house -- which means that even when I do get a new job, moving out will have to wait until I've brought in enough paychecks to be able to purchase furniture (including bedroom sets for 3 kids in addition to all of the other furniture needed -- so it isn't going to be a cheap move).
Amazingly, I am not stressed out about this at all. I have full faith that God is handling this situation (even to the point that the really bad financial news is one more message from Him to her about the choices she is making in her life right now), and that God is also working hard on my job sitch. I do expect something really great to happen with regard to my job search and I think that will eventually help relieve the financial sitch that we are now in.
When she told me all of this last night I simply expressed my concern and assured her that I understood the seriousness of the sitch and would continue to do my part to keep household costs down. I've never been the one in the family who spends extravagantly anyway, so it's not a big deal to me in that regard. I am the one who does all of the grocery shopping, so I will just increase my efforts to shop wisely :-) I also held back from making any kind of comment about "well, perhaps you shouldn't have spent all that money on a trip around the world to visit OW and sent her money to make the trip here to visit you in addition to the other money I know you've sent her!" -- Those thoughts did cross my mind, but I didn't say them to her.
Still no word from anyone at the district regarding a potential job, but I know that it will happen when the time is right.
Despite all of this, I am feeling really good this morning -- very positive and hopeful about the future. I know good things are headed this way and it's all just a matter of time.
Reading this I went straight to that thought too Jer .. and you were wise not to let that come out, as hard as it might be to wanna shake em they are just not able to see through the fog. My W hit a bit of a $$ issue too, and was all about the nickel and dime approach, I never really helped her in this area, when she pressed me a year or so ago about it I calmly told her I was not funding her A ... oh the spew that day was a good one.
I am also interested to see OWs future reactions to this news, if there is no more honey out of this pot .. maybe she moves to another tree as we all have guessed if this might be a scam or if she is really interested. Definately puts a kink in their fantasy and that is in your favor regardless right?
Keep focused, worry about you, you are really doing this right.
Reading this I went straight to that thought too Jer .. and you were wise not to let that come out, as hard as it might be to wanna shake em they are just not able to see through the fog. My W hit a bit of a $$ issue too, and was all about the nickel and dime approach, I never really helped her in this area, when she pressed me a year or so ago about it I calmly told her I was not funding her A ... oh the spew that day was a good one.
Yeah -- I knew better than to go there with her... However, when my fantastic new high-paying job materializes, there probably will have to be some tough discussions regarding family budget and full transparency regarding income and expenses (for both of us) because while I am happy to contribute more to our family I do not want to be funding these international trips for this stupid A.
I am also interested to see OWs future reactions to this news, if there is no more honey out of this pot .. maybe she moves to another tree as we all have guessed if this might be a scam or if she is really interested. Definately puts a kink in their fantasy and that is in your favor regardless right?
Most definitely puts a kink in their fantasy... I doubt I'll really know what OW thinks about this, but I assume when she does decide to break things off with W there will be some noticeable signs in my W (depression, withdrawal symptoms from the A?)
Even if she doesn't break it off immediately, this certainly does cause some problems for them because it does mean that I am not moving out of the house as quickly as they both hope.
And -- when I do get my fantastic new job, it's quite possible that there will be a shift in power dynamics within our household because I'll suddenly be making a lot more money and no longer dependent on my W... I really don't have any clue what that is going to look like or be like right now, but I can't imagine there won't be some shift in those dynamics.
Keep focused, worry about you, you are really doing this right.
Thanks! I've had a great day today despite this financial sitch that in the past would really have me very nervous. Just got an email from W about some potential freelance work for me with her current client and when I replied back in a positive way she replied back with a positive response. In her reply she mentioned that we need to sit down soon to work on a budget -- she's NEVER asked us to sit down to work on a budget the entire time we've lived together, so I know this financial sitch really has her sweating... I don't mean that in a bad or malicious way -- it's just an observation about her right at the moment. FWIW - I want everything to work out for the best for all of us and for none of us to be under this kind of stress... But a lot of that is out of my hands, so I just continue to focus on me while keeping lots of prayer around the entire sitch.
Just got an email regarding one of the jobs I applied for!
I don't have the job yet -- but the person hiring for the position got my name form the person I interviewed with a couple of weeks ago... not through the online application system. So the person hiring for the position is contacting me because I come "highly recommended" by a trusted colleague. Much better than getting my name through the online application system!
The pay is lower than I need, but the role is one of several potential "perfect fits" for my experience and qualifications... Personally, I think the pay is very low for the job description, but at least this would get me back into the district working full-time and from there I can move around to better paying positions VERY easily.
Thank you God! I think this position is the one for me right now under the circumstances.
It doesn't solve all of the issues in my life, but it solves one of the issues and will put me on a path for much greater things!
What a GREAT start to the weekend! :-)
Jer,
You can negotiate the salary...ya know. Don't be afraid to negotiate. I've used some negotiating tactics that meant a difference of $10-20K in salary differential.
Fingers crossed for you!
I'm going to see... The salary is given within a range -- and based on the years of service they should credit me for (my previous years with the district), I should fall somewhere in the middle of the range. I just need to see if I can get any credit for my PT work over the past 5 years -- might be tricky, but will ask. The district has such strict guidelines that they use for setting salaries.
The problem is that the top of the range given for this position is lower than I need right now -- but again, it gets me in and I can then apply for higher-paying positions as they come open... And I'd be "in" which makes it easier to network to get those better jobs... and if they are higher-paying then they are considered promotions so can't usually be denied by current supervisors.
Regardless of the pay -- I have a very good feeling about this and think the ball is beginning to roll faster now...
Jer,
I know of an educator who negotiated a $2,000 bump in his salary by stating that he has special AV media skill set as that school didn't have anyone with that background. So he had a "regular" salary and received $2,000 in additional bump in salary for AV knowledge base.
You can try to bump your salary by offering to be the school's debate coach or whatever other skills you can offer to the school/program. Be creative!
Wonka -- won't be working on a campus -- will be in district offices (non-exempt position so not eligible for overtime or stipends)... But when I did work on a campus I definitely found ways to earn stipends!
No major earth-shattering updates today... had a really good weekend together as a family. Started off a little dicey w/W in bad mood on Friday night... She broke down in tears with me Saturday morning re: the financial sitch and issues between her and her brother (as a result of the communication between him and me) -- but after she broke down and opened up everything was better between us. Not that anything was resolved -- but it's a bit like the breakdown on Saturday morning allowed her to release some of the anger she was feeling. The best part about it was that I was able to let her talk, cry, and vent -- knowing that some of the anger was directed at me (even though, strangely, she didn't direct it at me -- which is new) -- without reacting negatively (like I would have in the past)... Instead I told her that I believe/know that eventually everything will be okay -- that regardless of what we are seeing, hearing, experiencing, and feeling right now -- eventually everything is going to be okay for all of us.
And I do truly believe that... even with OW still in the picture -- I have so much faith right now that God really is in control of this sitch and there is no need any longer to get anxious or to worry about what the final outcome will be. I've seen too much happening already in this sitch to believe otherwise -- there are some good things happening here that I couldn't have expected just a few months ago.
Enough update for now... Have to work on an interview task for the job. Hoping to hear back today so I can get the interview scheduled. :-)
Just a note about the interaction we had on Saturday morning... In so many ways -- on both sides -- this interaction was a completely 180 from anything in our past... In the past I would usually be the one in tears, worrying about some situation, and she would be the stronger one -- reassuring me that things will work out and that we'd figure out some solution... This time she was the one in tears crying about a couple of different situations and I was the stronger, reassuring one... I don't recall ever being the stronger one in our entire relationship, but right now I really do feel like the stronger one in so many ways.
Another way this was different -- I knew that with both of the issues she does have some anger towards me about both... But she NEVER spewed directly at me about either one -- just cried about how worried she is that there won't be an easy solution to either situation. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing -- but it was different from any situation in the past (especially recent past) when she has been angry with me about stuff.
I'm also noticing language from her that reveals some of the confusion in her head... Like at one point referring to "this family" as if she is still thinking about us as an intact family unit with both she and I working together as spouse/partners to solve problems... But then the next day (during a light-hearted moment while we were making breakfast for the kids) making a comment like "you realize I'm dating someone who blah, blah, blah." I left out the rest of the comment because it's irrelevant -- most important point is the part about "dating" someone... And yes that comment stung a bit when she made it, but I didn't let it show to her that it bothered me -- I just appeared to act "as if" and inside just turned to God asking for peace and calm with faith that everything is going to work out according to His plan regardless of what she or I might be planning -- and that whatever happens, I will be okay because I will.
And just got another lead on another position in the district... this one isn't quite as exciting (doing internal audits of instructional programs) but pays MUCH better... Following up -- fingers crossed I get an interview!
Routing for you!!
Hope you land either gig.
One job can always lead to another. Good luck
Jer,
Apply for anything and everything that interests you. It doesn't hurt to have your resume out there because the more it's circulated, the better your chances are of getting something you want w/more pay.
Good luck!
Thanks BklynMom and Job!
Phone screening went great! I hope to hear back to get an in person interview -- they are definitely looking for someone with my background for the position even though it's in a department where I'd be surrounded by accountants rather than other educators. And the pay for this position is AWESOME... and the skills and knowledge I would gain in this position will be very helpful for any and all other leadership positions that might come my way in the future.
Fingers crossed and prayers ongoing!
Alrighty... interview scheduled for tomorrow morning for the higher paying position (the one I had the phone screening for this morning)... Very positive to get the call back for the interview so quickly :-)
Now if only the MLC situation was going so smoothly... ha!
Good luck tomorrow. Although, I don't think you'll need it if they called you back and want you to come in tomorrow.
The MLC situation will be what it is until she settles down and starts to focus on herself, her issues and realizes that she wasn't at fault for whatever stunted her emotionally as a young girl. All you can do is pray, stay as positive as you can and keep the focus on you and your children.
Can't wait to hear how the interview went.
Jer,
Go and wow 'em tomorrow! You got this, baby.
Good luck tomorrow. Although, I don't think you'll need it if they called you back and want you to come in tomorrow.
Thanks! That's what I'm hoping!
The MLC situation will be what it is until she settles down and starts to focus on herself, her issues and realizes that she wasn't at fault for whatever stunted her emotionally as a young girl. All you can do is pray, stay as positive as you can and keep the focus on you and your children.
That's definitely what I'm trying to do. Getting some positive momentum on the job search is certainly helping with that.
An interesting note about the timing of the job search momentum -- a few months ago, while praying and thinking about my frustration with the job search (and lack of progress), I had a moment of insight where I had this thought that perhaps God was holding off on the job (at that time) so that I could have the free time during the day to focus on myself (my own growth, journey, etc.) and on developing a closer relationship with God. The thought was that getting back into full-time work at that time would prevent me from having the solitude during the day that I very much needed to work on my own issues, pray, mediate, read, learn (about MLC, the LBS journey, depression, faith, prayer, etc.), think, and grow... Well -- for the past few weeks I've definitely started to feel much stronger and MUCH closer to God... And much more focused, centered, and stable (in the sense of being able to continue this progress in me even if I return to work full-time and lose all of the free time that I've had for the past several months)... So very interesting that after reaching a point of being stronger, creating new healthy habits related to my personal growth (journaling, meditating, etc.), developing my faith and spiritual practice, and finally not being afraid of the future -- now the job situation seems to be improving in a huge way.
Job interview went VERY well. They have a couple of other potential candidates that they need to meet with, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I stand out among all of the candidates. I really like the guy who would be my boss and the job is much more interesting that it sounded on paper -- would have a HUGE impact across the district in terms of improving the quality of educational programs around the district. Very exciting -- and the pay is AWESOME.
Keeping fingers crossed and prayers going for this position! :-)
Fingers crossed. Good luck and congrats on a great interview.
Hey Jer,
My crystal ball seemingly is in good working order today.
I predict that you will get a job offer sometime next week. So it is!
Hey Jer,
My crystal ball seemingly is in good working order today.
I predict that you will get a job offer sometime next week. So it is!
Oh Oracle Wonka -- I certainly do hope your prediction is correct! :-)
I just want to share a good update with what I perceive to be more blessings from God in this entire mess... OW is still in the picture, but we have actually had a really great weekend so far as a family. My W is being increasingly much more friendly -- to the point where this morning we had a long talk about what is going on at the place where she works (the kind of conversation we used to have), yesterday some of my family came over and she was very friendly to them (like nothing had happened between us even though she knows that they know everything) and they were friendly back to her, and in the middle of the day today while we were driving with the kids to a birthday party she was very talkative and asking questions about what my mom's side of the family are doing tomorrow for Easter Sunday and she seemed really interested in wanting to know how everyone is doing.
I am not even trying to mind-read why the change in behavior, because, as I said at the beginning, OW is still in the picture -- I am just being very thankful to God for every single day that we can be together under the same roof as a family peacefully... Every single day is one day more than I expected when this whole mess started. And I have faith that all of these good family moments that we can have together will make a difference at some point in the future -- so the more of these we can have, the better.
As for tomorrow -- we are all going to church together as a family with W's parents and W's sister & her family. W going to church is an answer to another big prayer and, once again, I am hoping it's a day filled with lots of positive family moments that will get stored in the memory bank for later processing.
I'm also pulling a 180 tomorrow -- for myself mostly, but W will not be able to not notice... I'll be wearing a dress -- a really cute sleeveless navy blue dress that looks great on me. Not expecting it to cause an instant wake-up in W, but I feel very comfortable in the dress, like the way I look, and it will be nice for my two daughters to see me in a dress to see that mommy can get "dressed up" like they do :-)
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I don't have a crystal ball like Wonka, but I've got a feeling that God is planning for our family to have a really special day tomorrow.
Happy Easter to everyone -- I hope you all are blessed with a lovely day!
So we actually had a really nice Easter Sunday... The kids had a great time, W and I got along very well, and she was much more pleasant and relaxed with the rest of the family than she has been at the previous holiday get-togethers over the past several months. This was a major change from her behavior at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
And W did notice my dress -- and commented on it saying that I looked really nice. And then -- when we were having Easter lunch at her parents' house, just before we all started eating I looked across the table at one of our kids and then at her and she winked at me... then I caught her looking at me 4 or 5 times throughout lunch. I noticed that because the first time it happened I thought it was just a fluke -- and she looked away very quickly when I noticed... And she did that every time I noticed her looking at me.
I am not even going to try to interpret what it means... OW is definitely still in the picture as far as I can tell (from the fact that there is still texting going on and I assume Skyping and/or phone calls in the middle of the night). I say "as far as I can tell" because while I do observe the texting (which she still tries to hide from me even though everything is out in the open), I need my sleep and I am not getting up in the middle of the night anymore to find out if they are still Skyping and calling each other. She is also still sleeping downstairs. We are getting along much better now -- and over this entire weekend she has engaged me in much more conversation -- about topics other than the kids, schedules, stuff around the house, etc. and in most cases she has been the one to initiate the conversation.
While it was nice to get the compliment on the dress this morning and then to observe the glances across the table and the wink today (which, honestly, I can't remember the last time I caught her staring at me across a table or across a room -- it's probably been years since that has happened), none of that means very much while OW is still involved.
So for now -- everything is still moving forward towards separation, but with much more peace within the house... And I'm actually doing really great, feeling very good about where I am headed with my own growth, excited about the job prospects, and feeling very at peace with life within this MLC mess. Just trying to really appreciate every single positive, peaceful family moment as we have them, and thanking God for those moments because each of those moments -- especially right now -- is such a huge blessing.
I'm very glad to come here and read that Easter was a nice family affair for you and your family. Holidays usually stress the crisis person out...but it appears that your w was very comfortable w/being around everyone.
I'm happy that she noticed your dress and the winking, well...she was flirting just a bit. I think you are very wise not to read too much into it because who knows where her mind will be by the end of the week.
I hope you get good news this week on the job you interviewed for. If not, continue applying for positions. Your positive attitude will carry you thru anything that should come your way.
Keep up the good work!
Jer
Looks like your work is starting to pay off ... just reading this you are sounding confident in the face of the storm which I think is key. I had to smile with the 'caught ya lookin' sitch .... just love that OW can text and skype all she wants ... those little moments can not be duplicated.
Fingers crossed for the job prospects ... happy to see you had a good Easter ... sometimes we just need to get through a holiday that could be stressful with no hitches just to know we can.
Jer
Looks like your work is starting to pay off ... just reading this you are sounding confident in the face of the storm which I think is key. I had to smile with the 'caught ya lookin' sitch .... just love that OW can text and skype all she wants ... those little moments can not be duplicated.
Fingers crossed for the job prospects ... happy to see you had a good Easter ... sometimes we just need to get through a holiday that could be stressful with no hitches just to know we can.
Thanks for the crossed fingers on the job! Still waiting to hear from them, but I feel really positive that something good is just over the horizon for me...
And so true about those moments -- OW's reach right now is limited... I'm here all the time (which can be a good and a bad thing -- obviously!), which allows for more of those kinds of moments. I really do think seeing me in the dress caught her by surprise in a good way. And others commented on how I looked as well -- including her sister who said to me as she hugged me goodbye (in front of my W) "You look REALLY great by the way!" -- and I heard from her mom today that a good family friend told her later in the day on Easter Sunday (via a phone call) that she saw me with everyone at church and thought I looked so beautiful (and W's mom thought the same thing). Did it make her wake up and fall back in love instantly? -- nope... But 1) that's not why I wore it (wore it for myself as one of my personal changes for me) and 2) I do have faith that it will be one of the many moments that will be processed later on down through the tunnel.
I've been reflecting on this journey a bit today and I realized something... As the LBS -- and an LBS who found this site -- I know so much more about my spouse that OW can ever know (just from being in her physical presence on a daily basis for 10 years) and I know that she is definitely going through a MLC... OW doesn't really understand that W is in a major MLC and is too young to really understand what that is and what it means in terms of major life change anyway. And -- because I did find this site early enough to understand that I have to go through my own process/journey of growth and maturity, I am going on that journey for myself... As someone else said on an earlier post on this thread -- I am probably already lightyears ahead of my W in terms of growth and maturity -- which also means that I am lightyears ahead of OW as well, and I am VERY well aware of the need to be on this journey... something OW will not understand for probably another 20 years... I'm rambling right now, but the point I am trying to make is that if anyone is capable right now of being a rock and a lighthouse, it's definitely me and not OW -- she has absolutely no clue what she is really dealing with in terms of being involved with my W right now at this point in my W's life.
But W still has a way to go before she's ready to look within... So for now I am working hard to be the rock and lighthouse for myself and my kids.
But speaking of W -- the hits just keep coming... Can't go into details, but she had a terrible day at work with something brewing that could result in her losing her job. From a spiritual perspective I just see this as one more message from God... I can see all of this so clearly -- He is definitely trying to get her to wake up by delivering one consequence after another for her behavior and choices... In terms of MLC -- what is happening is very clearly a result of her poor choices and poor actions due to her inability to handle the stress and depression.
Really hoping that I get that job offer this week -- I might soon become the primary breadwinner in the house very soon if things go the direction they appear to be going with W's employment sitch. And that would certainly turn some tables in this household...
No real update today... nothing has changed and I still have not heard about the job... Just wanted to post to put this out there into the universe:
Life is good.
God is good.
In the end, all of this will work out for the best for everyone involved. I know this about my situation and I pray this for all other LBS's and your MLC'ers. Hang in there... the ride is wild, but the key is to see the experience as an opportunity to grow, mature, and become more than you ever thought possible. Don't let this defeat you. Accept the challenge -- don't just survive, pick yourself up and thrive in the midst of the storm.
Life is too short to do otherwise.
Jer,
If you don't hear anything by Monday morning, call and inquire as to the status of the position. It could be that w/spring break people haven't been around to meet w/the interviewer.
Yep -- planning to do that. Wanted to give them at least one week from the interview. I will probably have another interview next week for a position in a different department, so it will be easy and make sense to contact them to inquire and let them know about the other interview -- might prompt them to make a decision if I am the top candidate so they don't lose me to another department :-)
Ok friends -- prayer request...
I just emailed the person I interviewed with last week... sent a very professional inquiry about their timeline for hiring and let them know that I have another interview next week for another position in a different department and that I am applying for another position in a different department. I stated clearly that while I am interviewing and applying for other positions, that my first choice is the position for which I interviewed last week and even stated some additional information to confirm my commitment to that specific position.
Please send out positive energy and/or prayers that I get a very positive email back from him -- I REALLY want this job!
Jer, request- done.
Also, it is also nice to send a thank you card. It keep you fresh in their mind, gives you an opportunity to note something you may have missed or want to reiterate, and reminds them of how awesome you are.
Just a thought. Good luck!
Hey Jer,
I'm rooting for ya, baby!
I. GOT. THE. JOB!!!!!
He was just about to call me to make a verbal offer when he checked his email and saw the email from me... And he had just finished speaking with HR to hash out a salary offer -- an amazing salary offer!!!!
I accepted without hesitation. :-)
God is definitely working in my life moving some mountains.
Not sure of start date yet -- still have to process paperwork through HR, but I now have an amazing new job that is far beyond what I had hoped for in terms of going back in to the district.
I am so excited!
Oh -- BTW Wonka -- apparently your crystal ball WAS right! I did get the job offer this week!
Congrats Jer! Knew you could do it! Go kick some a$$!
Really happy for you - your amazing personal growth may be a part of this!
YAAAY Jer!
Great news, so happy to hear about how well you're doing.