Link to last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...684#Post2541684New Thread New Motto
But really number 8-OMGoodness...anyway
So I think I have been doing well with this situation for the last months, and when I do have a LBS break down I bounce back VERY quickly.
I'm a person that likes to know the WHY by nature, I like to make decisions and move on, I'm also a little control freak.
All these things I'm working on DB is helping me not just in how I interact with my MLC but helping me in all aspects of my life, my journey to be a better person is my focus and it is improving all areas of my life all my important relationships with my son, my mom, my H and my friends.
Like all the LBS's here on this board I have no idea if my M will be saved, I do know I will be better, and my R with my H will be better. It may not be the R of a husband and wife but it will remain friends and great co-parents.
Today I had to change my outlook this morning "never let them see you sweat" I struggle sometimes on the weekends when H and I are home together for several hours before he goes to work (same stuggle on his off days after I get home from work)
Today I wanted to ask H "have you made up your mind" do you want this M or not, do you want to do a trail separation, do you want to go to MC, DO YOU LOVE ME like a husband loves his wife" I wanted to tell him my needs "I want to be called and told you miss me or is thinking about me" I want romance, I want dates, I want you to put your dam wedding ring back on"
I would have love to wake up to a loving H who wanted to snuggle or tell me he loves me or we go out for breakfast etc...
So since that is not happening and I did not want to get in that "debbie downer" woe is me attitude..I got up took a shower, used some great smelling shower gel, put on pretty PJ's, lipgloss (that is my girl power juice), light a wonderful scented candle and this is how I am started my day.
My mood changed and I'm ready to face this wonderful day that the LORD has given me another chance to be better and enjoy life.
I noticed H peeking out of the covers at me while I was getting ready. He looks at me sometimes like he is a scared little confused boy, its really sad sometimes.
I have put my ring back on for the most part cause who I'm I fooling I'm a married woman. BUT for my own reasons when Im out with H I do NOT wear my ring.
I have tons of GAL's planned for next month my bday month, and since I LOVE ME, I'm treating myself each weekend.
My GAL's for next month
Mani/Pedi
Wine and Painting Party
Midnight Bowling
(will invite H to midnight bowling, other H's will be there)
Shopping Day out
Hair Apts (this is a treat each month)
Lunch or Dinner with each outing
Breakfast at my Fav breakfast dinner on my Bday
Pastoral Counseling sessions
Today I ask H if he thinks we will go on anymore date nights. After a long pause H said he has not thought about it.
I said well think about it and walked away.
Im here to sweat...that hurt my feelings but i did not let it show..
H is making dinner which I already told him i would not be eating due to trying to eat healthier and he is making everything fried.
Now I also do not want to be around him at all today.
Happy,
You "expected" him to respond w/a yes. Correct? You have to be prepared for negative answer, not only a positive one. He's still very much self absorbed and when they are like that, they don't think about the things that might be important to others. So, back to the drawing board and keep those expectations at zero for now.
Why don't you want to be around him? Is it because he was honest w/you about not thinking about another date night? Are you trying to punish him in a passive way because of his response? The reason that I am asking is because from the way you posted it sure sounds like it. Also, how did you tell him about not eating what he his fixing for dinner? Your comment to him may have been taken as a "snark" to get back at him for hurting your feelings.
Happy, I know you are frustrated w/the whole situation, but mlc takes a long, long time and you've had some positives, but you've got to be patient. You can't rush this journey.
edit: second paragraph, third sentence:
"Also, how did you tell him about not eating what he "is" fixing for dinner?"
BTW, Happy, when I read your posting, what popped into my mind was a little girl in a toy store asking her parent to purchase a doll for her. When her parent said no, that little girl, w/pigtails and a flouncy dress w/a pinafore and patent leather shoes, was stomping her feet because she didn't get what she wanted.
Please, please be patient. Okay?
Job
I told him I was not eating the dinner before I ask about date night.
Yes I feel hurt.
I had to go out and clear snow and ice from drain in street. Neighbors ask where H was.
i had ask him to clear it earlier...now im mad and sore.
now its dinner and movie time H sent son to ask me to join them.
Every since i came back inside H has been talking to me about his mail..while I tried to calm down and watch tv.
now i feel a lil calmer I will join them since son ask.
h also tried to touch me...im so mad and hurt i pulled away.
Yes Im tired of being around him.
Temper Tantrum is over.
H mail questions were important and we discussed it was about med insurance renewal.
I mention sore back and ask for meds. H offered meds and heating pad. I had already took something so I thanked him and told him what I took.
H ask me about clearing sump pump drain...i told him where it was. H seemed in a daze..
this is all such a mess.
I also noticed that H stared really hard at my ring on my hand when I came home yesterday....wish I knew what he was thinking.
I gave H a lil longer kiss as I left for work this morning (he is sleeping when I leave) but I know he knows when I kiss him bye sometimes on lips or cheek. This was something I have been doing for a few weeks and watched for his response...so far no negative response.
JOB yes I have seen positives from H. Yes I will continue to try to be patient.
Happy,
Your h has got a ways to go and when they live at home, the frustration will build for the lbs because you are watching and expecting him to act like a "normal" person, i.e., pre-crisis personality. It's not going to happen.
I think, and I could be wrong, that after the date night, your hope and expectations rose a bit on the scale. The two of you had a nice time and you had hoped that by asking him about another date night he would say yes. Well, it might have been too good of a time for him and he has retreated back into his rabbit hole for a while. To him, possibly, the asking about another date night, may have looked like pursuit and not just a night out to enjoy yourselves. Generally, when they've had some good interaction w/the lbs, they do tend to run back into the rabbit hole for a while. This is very normal behavior. So, just leave the man alone and allow him to poke his head out again later on.
When dealing w/a mlcer, you never know what you are going to get on any given day, much less second. Many of us have learned that you if you ask a mlcer a question, generally you will not get the answer you are looking for and it hurts to the core.
Happy, you have to remember that you aren't dealing w/your old h right now, but the teen h. He's not into all of that romantic stuff and as teenagers go, it was just a night out having some fun. I don't think he looked on the date like you did and that's because you are a mature woman dealing w/a man child.
So, what do you do? Continue moving forward. Allow him to ask you about going out. Allow him to lead and if he doesn't lead, then you do something on your own. He has to "miss" you and see that you are having a great time and aren't going to sit around waiting on him to go places. Show this man that you don't need to accept crumbs of attention and affection from him. Show him that you can enjoy life and it will be up to him whether he wants to join in or not.
No more questions about date night for now. Okay? He knows you want more than he can give you right now. As I always say, he's not baked yet. Leave him in the oven a while longer.
Come here to vent and whatever you do, watch how you react to him when your son is around. Your son is smart and will pick up the tension. Walk away and find things to do when you feel that anger or hurt bubbling up to the surface. Okay?
JOB
Thank you as always for your feedback and advice.
I will continue on my path.
I do watch how I respond around s14, he was not around to see yesterday interactions, he was in his room. But I will be very careful.
When S14 came and said Dad wants to know if you are coming to watch movie, I told s14 sure give me a minute, and then I went to join them.
I do many GAL without H, and I will continue. When its not a "ladies only GAL" I have invited H.
I dont know how my pulling away when H tried to touch me was viewed by H. But I did not want him to touch me....
Happy,
I've said it before and I'll say it again...you can't have it both ways. Either you want reconnection w/your h, i.e., either by you touching him or vice versa, but I'm sure he knew you were angry. How can he reach out to you when you pull away? Did you do this when you were angry? He really doesn't know what you want if you go back and forth w/your words and actions. Figure out what you want and stay the course. If you don't want to try to reconcile and get back together as an actual couple, then it's time to think about doing something. If you truly want to figure things out, then you need to figure out how to tame your temper. Even though he's been distant, he'll even become more distant if you continue this bouncing back and forth.
What do you want?
I want a better me a better H a better M.
But I dont want all this messy stuff.
Im getting tired of it.
I hear you Job...I need to step back and refocus...try my best to refocus
Happy,
I just want you to know that I'm not handing out 2x4's today, but I am concerned about you and what's going on in your situation.
You want a better me, a better h and a better marriage. So, start w/you. What are the things that you are aware of that you need to change/improve? You can only control yourself and the more you change, the more your h will notice the changes. I'm not here to judge you, but there are several things that I sense from your postings that I think you are already aware of that may need some work: patience, expectations and temper.
You may not want all of this messy stuff, but that's MLC for you. Sure you are getting tired of it...who isn't? Look around the forum. There are people posting who have been at it for a number of years and are still here trying to work on themselves and figure things out. Look at ForeverYoung. He's still living w/his wife and he's not had a picnic either, but he's figuring things out by testing the waters and doing more of what has been working. So, your h hasn't given any thought to date night...it's not the end of the world and it's not on his radar right now, but who is to say it won't be next week or the week after. What he said to you wan't being hurtful...he was being honest w/you at that very moment.
You have two choices, figure out what you want and stay the course or the two of you separate. MLC is very difficult, frustrating and painful, but I think it's even harder for those who are still under one roof...but if you truly want to fight this crisis, then you will need to detach, leave him be and go on w/your life for now. YOU can't rush the process. It has to take it's course just like the measles or mumps.
He's a teenager and teenagers don't always think about anyone else but themselves. Keep in mind, if you are frustrated w/his mixed signals, just try to picture how he must feel w/your signals. Either you want him to come closer or you don't. He can't read your mind, nor can you read his.
I honestly don't think you are done...but I will say this, your actions are telling him a different story about how you feel about him and the marriage right now. Change your actions and you just very well see a difference. Happy, you aren't going to be happy every day, but you have to learn to accept him for who he is right now, not the way he was. I know that this is very difficult for you, but if you want a chance of getting everything back on track, you need to detach a bit more and try to think of him as nothing more than a roommate at the moment. Hope is a good thing and it will help carry your thru the days ahead, just as long as your expectations are very low.
You are going to be okay. You just need to figure out how to react to him and his behaviors. Dig deeper for patience.
Job
I need a 2x4.
I want to fight this crisis with all that I have inside of me.
I hear you, I needed this post. Deep breathe, refocus, getting back on track.
SOOO
An XBF from over 20 years ago,,who is also married with kids and I know his wife...my H has also meet this XBF
We keep in contact,
Anyway,,,he called me this morning to make sure I made it safely to work (bad weather and road conditions)
I felt sad, becuase I wish my H had called me to see if I made it safely to work. In all honestly H is at work at a traning sessions and is not allowed to have his cell phone inside the Prison PODS, so he could not call, but he could have sent a text before reporting to POD,,,but the thing is I know he would not have called to check even if he was at home:(
This XBF and I are ONLY friends, I would NOT even go there, just wanted to make this very clear!
Happy,
I just wanted to say that my xh was the same way about not calling or texting to see if I made it to work or home during inclement weather such as snow and sleet. There are some that just don't think about such things. Me? I worry about people getting to and from places during such times and will call to see if they arrived safely. A lot of this, I think, is the way that they were raised.
However, I'm glad your male friend called to see if you made it to work okay. It's nice to know that someone is concerned.
I do hope that you have a good day.
Since I wished H had checked on me.
I sent him a text saying I just wanted to make sure he made it safely.
H replied back "yes I did I'm on my break now"
Another thing I have noticed he has started to respond back to my texts...he use to read them but not respond unless I was responding to something he sent me.
Now not everytime...but more and more he is responding to my texts.
I also greatly reduced the texts I send him
"Since I wished H had checked on me.
I sent him a text saying I just wanted to make sure he made it safely."
You're still trying to control his actions. This is more control and won't do you or your self-esteem any good.
Happy,
My question to you is this...did you send the text to inquire about his travel to get a reaction out of him, i.e., that he would ask about your travel to work? If so, you discovered he didn't ask about yours...correct? If you normally inquire about his travel to work, then continue to inquire, but if you are doing things to get a reaction out of him, it isn't going to turn out the way you want.
You are still "expecting" him to act a certain way. It's not going to happen right now. He's a different man than the one you married. He's in crisis and he's not going to be thinking about anyone but himself, like a teenager. It's all about them unless they need or want something from "mom" or "dad".
At least he's starting to respond to your texts more frequently. That's a plus. Your texts have to be short because he's not going to be able to handle lengthy texts.
Focus on you and your son. Your h is a big boy and he can take care of himself.
I sent the text for 2 reasons. I really wanted to make sure he was ok , there were tons of accidents this morning. I did not at this point expect him to ask if I made it safely (so that did not surprise me that he did not ask)
And I was thinking,,this is something I wish he would have done, preBD he use to tell me I want things from him that I'm not willing to give myself.
Control- YES I have control issues BIG TIME, and this is something I'm working on.
I did not see this as control,,,but since Im controlling maybe I can't see it clearly?
You guys help me sooooo MUCH!!!!!
Happy,
I question things to get you and the other posters thinking. I do understand the issue w/the weather and accidents and it was just interesting how you wrote your posting.
The thing to remember, is that any changes you make, you make them for YOU. Okay? They have to be changes that you are happy w/and are not being done to just please him.
You can only control you, your behavior and thought processes. You have to learn to accept the things that you can't change and understand that things will evolve on their own time schedule and you can't rush them. Sometimes rushing things will only cause more damage or destroy what you are actually trying to achieve.
Patience!
Hi 2bhappy,
I notice many postings wishing your H would do or say things differently. Thing is, he is who he is. I used to be the same way and was constantly disappointed. Have you read the love language book? It was really helpful for me. People show love in many different ways, it's learning to see them that is key. I also have experienced my H wanting me to be someone I am not. It's frustrating and hurtful.
In my next relationship, whomever it may be with, my goal will be:
Don't focus on what you are getting from your relationship, focus on what you are giving.
Think about it
Happy saturday everyone
Im working hard on being patience!!!!
So...I never dream or just never recall my dreams..but the last month I have been having dreams about H cheating...never ever had these before..maybe Im still to focused on my H...still watching the pot.
Im not snopping..no indications that H is cheating...but its on my mind and in my nightmares. ..
Got tons of GAL each weekend...off to start my day...my focus is loving me..being a better person each day
Meligh.
Yes I read that book and thanks for the reminder I do need to keep in mind that my H and I speak different love language.
I will pay attention to what energy I putting out.
Wow...
Afternoon nap and I dreamed I was caught cheating by my H and s14.
I have never dreamed during a nap..
This is too much on my mind.
H initiated a kiss before he went to work...it was just us...
Off to midnight bowling..this weekend GAL
So I paying attention to lil things...not watching pot as much but wanting to notice positives...
H has been giving good bye kisses daily (use to only when s14 was present)
Baby steps! It's good to see a positive today.
While watching a TV show (with a soundtrack) together last week, I jokingly said to H...I want that soundtrack can you get it for me. H said nothing...I did want the soundtrack but I was joking in asking H to get it for me.
Welll,,,fast forward to this morning, as I'm leaving for work H tells me he has a CD for me on the table..I say thanks no idea what it is,,,
its the soundtrack CD I was talking about from last week.
WOW..It's great songs on it, I sent H a text Thanks, told him the songs are great and I can't wait to have s14 listen to it with me...
I wanted to say that I also could not wait for H to listen to it with me,,but I did not want to pursue....
I will make sure to play it next time we are all in the house together this weekend.
Baby steps! See, when you mention something in a casual way...look what happens! I'm glad to see that you thanked him for doing it for you.
I wanted to say that I also could not wait for H to listen to it with me,,but I did not want to pursue....
I will make sure to play it next time we are all in the house together this weekend.
Just a word from a guy here:
Don't overplay the hell out of it.
Job..thanks
Wounded...i will not play it to death..
A lil pot watching maybe...
H was getting ready for work and I was getting ready to start my sat apt and GAL..I told H my plans for today and he gave me a nasty stare..I ignored first one then on the e 2nd one..I ask him if he said something...he said no.
I gave him kiss on lips told him to have a great day..told him I would like to hang out with him after he gets off work if he was not too tired..
Before all these death stares I had told him that my friends husband wanted us to all get together soon. I SAID IT with no expectations.
We had also had some adult time this morning...
So I was shocked with the death stares..like he was pissed off at me...
Any idea where this came from..just curious
Happy,
There's no telling why the stares. It could be he was thinking of something he had to do at work, it could be that you appeared happy and he wasn't at the time, or it could have been that your comment about hanging out w/him after work if he wasn't too tired sounded like pursuit. Whatever the reason, it's his attitude to own and there's really no telling what he was thinking.
I am going to suggest that you allow him to lead and I think I've pointed this out before...you've got to slow things down and in his mind, you are trying to force the relationship. I know you really want to spend time w/him...but you've got to back it up just a wee bit and let him do the leading. The minute he does something nice for you, you then start the pursuit game all over again. Drop it and just leave him alone for now. When he's ready to do things w/you...he'll ask and/or suggest it to you. Okay?
Live your life and do things on your own and w/your son. If your h sees that you are having fun and being independent and leaving him alone, he just might get curious and want to see what you are doing and hopefully will want to join in. My advice, leave him alone and allow him the space and time to figure things out. The more you push, the harder he's going the other way and yes, the longer his crisis will take because he's not focusing on himself, but focusing on you and how to delay doing things w/you.
I am going to suggest that you read and/or re-read the Dance of the Pursuit and Distance thread. The link is below:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574
Job
Are u saying I should not invite my H to do things with me?
one of the things my H use to complain about was I distant and did not show alot of love and attention.
So I get a lil worried about totally ignoring my H.
Your correct when he does something nice for me..I guess saying thanks is enough...but I go to the next level and invite or hint at spending time together.
I will re read the llink for dance and pursuit..
Im confused about this..
You can invite him once in a while to do things w/you, but keep your expectations at zero. If he accepts, then great. If he doesn't, you go ahead and do them, but don't cop an attitude if he says no or says he hasn't thought about doing things like that w/you. Sometimes you have to step back and allow him to miss you and think about what fun things you are doing. If you ask him every time, it looks like you are pursuing him.
When he said love and attention, I may be wrong, but maybe he was looking for you to take more of an interest in him and what he likes to do, spending time w/him and, of course, intimacy. Love and attention are not necessarily going places all of the time. Spending time w/him could be listening to music, watching a movie, playing a game, or just hanging out at home. Maybe he's got a project going on at home that you may want to talk to him about. Showing interest in what he likes to do and/or doing, is another way of expressing love and attention.
Here's what caught my eye yesterday: "I gave him kiss on lips told him to have a great day..told him I would like to hang out with him after he gets off work if he was not too tired." The way that I interpreted this is that you were telling him that you wanted to hang out w/him. It probably didn't come across as an invitation, but more a statement. Had you wanted to put this as an invitation, you could have said "H, how about hanging out after work if you aren't too tired? or Do you want to hang out later?" By asking, it gives him the option of saying okay or not. Statements w/mlcers don't work very well because they come across as control and dictating to them. If you change the way that you ask him things, he may be more receptive to saying yes more often.
When he does something nice for you, say "thank you, I really appreciate what you did" and leave it alone. I think you get very hopeful and then go to the next level of inviting or hinting at the two of you spend time together. He's in crisis and just because he does something nice for you, it doesn't mean he wants to do things w/you right now. He sounds like he's the type of man that doesn't want a wife hanging around too much at the moment.
Go back and look at your posting concerning the "date night" out and what a nice time you both had. You then came back a while later and asked him if he had thought about another date night. He told you he hadn't and you got upset/angry. See, the pattern forming here? You both are playing the distancer/pursuer game. When he drops some nice kibbles, you gobble them up and begin the pursuit once again. In order to stop this game, you have to detach and when he's nice, recognize the gestures and then let it go. Don't jump on the invitation band wagon right away because then you've gone into pursuit mode once again. He knows the game and he knows exactly what you are going to do each and every time he's nice, i.e., you gobble those kibbles and you are right there wanting something from him. Change the dynamics and not ask. Instead wait a few weeks and then if something really interesting comes along, invite him. But do not extend invitations to him within days of eating those nice kibbles. Go about your merry way and let him wonder what's up w/you. You and only you can change the dynamics of the distancer/pursuer game.
His crisis has to move at its own pace and you can't make it go any faster. Your man knows that you are still there and you don't need to remind him of it. Detach, live your life to the fullest and if he opts to want to join you at some point in time, he will. Allow him to lead for a change. Allow him to come to you and ask you to do things. It may take him a while to invite you to do things, but he will once he sees that you aren't eating up the kibbles he drops periodically. You just have to have faith, hope and patience.
I think I pray I got it this time.
Thanks for taking the time to go into details.
Going to read thread now.
Thanks
Happy,
Don't beat yourself up over this latest development. We all have had to learn what works and what doesn't. When I came to the Forum many years ago, the mantra was "if something isn't working, try something else".
You'll get the hang of this as you travel the path and you will learn what works best for you and your situation. Try not to get discouraged...but you do need to allow him the time and space he needs to go thru his crisis. It didn't happen over several weeks, but was years in the making and it's going to take some time before he completes his journey.
You have so much to be thankful for, i.e., he's still at home, even though he pretty much stays to himself, he is still providing for the family and still does some nice things for you when he feels like it. That's more than many of us have going on.
Dig deeper for patience, find things to do that will keep you busy and if something really interesting comes along, then ask him if he would like to go. Until then, live your life to the fullest and be there for your son.
Job
Reading the "pursuit and distance" thread.
Some things I can stop doing, some things I actually don't want to stop doing.
Some things are not easy/strange to do becuase my H is still at home, when we are spending time as "family" at home.
But last night I did not feel like it and I did not join s14 and H for dinner out, nor a movie when they came home. We had both done alot running around after work picking up s14 bedroom suite and I was tired and felt like being alone.
I think H may have been upset, he did not come to bed at all last night sleep on the couch all night (have not done that in a while) I will not mention it, I did not go tell him bye when I left for work, I made up the bed and went on my way.
And I think my H and I have done this dance ALOT in our R, each taking turns playing the roles. When I think back on it, it seems like only in the begining were we on the same page. The issues in our R go way back....
I think that a lot of people who have a MLC already have a pattern of passive aggressive behaviour as a coping mechanism.
The pursuer/distance dance is an example of this. The less p/a person in the relationship tends to adjust their behaviour to the p/a
I have noticed that the life events that seem to precipitate a MLC may be accompanied by the non-MLC partner also becoming more assertive. Perhaps even without consciously doing so we are questioning in some way their unthinking domination through p/a behaviours.
That is not to say it was a 'bad' marriage - most of us make adjustments in our relationships But the need for control seems to grow as MLC comes into play . . . .
Happy,
I do agree w/Bea and I also agree that there are some things you can't stop at this time because of living under the same roof...but you can learn not to chomp down on the kibbles as quickly as you have been when he does do something nice for you. Again, as I stated previously, change the way that you ask him to do things and I still believe that by allowing him the chance to either accept or not will be a far better way of possibly getting him to do things w/you, i.e., but don't expect him to accept all of the time. He doesn't want to get to close and comfy because in his mind, you and the marriage are the problems. So, cut him slack if he declines and just do or go places on your own. Yes, he may get upset, but he made the decision not to join you. You can't control how he feels when he's left at home...that is his problem to own. You certainly are chaining him to a chair by any means.
Passive-aggressive people are difficult to deal w/until you learn to spot the behavior. You actually feel like the guilty party at times and yes, it's frustrating when you ask them to do something and they either drag their feet, screw it up or lie about getting to it or not doing it at all. When you live w/a PA individual for a lengthy period of time, you will soon discover that you get so fed up w/the behavior that you tend to take over and get the things done yourself and not bother w/asking them to do it....then....they say that they would have eventually gotten to it...oh, yeah? What century? LOL!
I think you've been handling your situation quite well, but I also sense that you get frustrated, angry and yes, impatient. It takes a long time to detach and walk the path of the crisis. No matter what you say or do, he's still going to have to go thru his crisis and deal w/his issues. You, Happy, can't fix something you didn't break. Okay?
Job & Beatrice
As always THANKS for taking time to give me advice and feedback.
This is such a difficult journey. All I can do is work on being a better ME. And pray that my R with my H improves and one day become a much better M.
I do need to 'relax', when H does something "nice" Im like a straving person jumping at a hand out of food. Then I turn around and invite (beg) for more.
I need to be cool and calm, and just "do me". I have a teen age son and believe me I have someplace else to focus my time and attention.
H has played this game in some ways for years, wanted me to "begged" then when I pull back, he reels me back into the game,,,but now its just on a whole new horrible level.
I catch he watching me at times, then looking quickly away,,,sometimes the look on his face he seems soo puzzled,,,its soo sad.
And the decisions he made yesterday about picking up furniture,,were sooooo allllllll over the place it was HARD to sit back and watch.
I do appreciate that my H is still home, still helping with bills and our s14, being nice at times, wanting family night, sometimes wanting to hang out with just me.
I guess this is enough for now....
RELAX...sit back and watch the MLC show.
At the start of this,,,H was sleeping on couch all night, not coming to our bed until I was getting up to get ready for my day.
One of my goals was to have him back sleeping in our bed with me, H works 2nd shift so he does not come to bed until 1 or 2am, after a couple of solids months of him sleeping with me in our bed I decided to kiss him bye when leaving for work, he is mostly sleep but says bye after I kiss him,,
What I want to know is , is this pursuit and something that may be hurtful as H goes thru his "whatever"?
Happy,
If your h doesn't pull away or indicate that he's not happy w/the kiss in the morning, then I would continue to do it. Can I assume it's something you've always done? If he's not happy w/you doing it, he will indicate it either by flinching or making sure you can't do it by either pulling away, pulling the sheet over his head, etc.
Happy,
You can always do a little bit of lab work and see if he reacts differently if you don't kiss him in the morning. Sometimes you have to change things up just a wee bit to see if they notice. If you are trying to try this experiment, you'll need to do it when the two of you aren't having disagreements/heated discussions. You don't want to come off as "punishing" him or getting even w/him because he didn't do something that you were expecting.
Do what works and when something isn't working, try something else.
Good morning, see ya later kisses are something I've always done. I stopped when H started sleeping in basement, when he came back to our bed I did not start right back...
About the start of this year I started back giving H kisses as I left for work. H does not flinch or pull away. H has also started back giving me kisses when he leaves for work (on the days Im home when he leaves, weekends or a day Im off since he works 2nd shift)
I have noticed that IF I'm rushing and I forget to kiss him, he calls me ALOT more that day before he goes to work or talks longer etc...like he is seeing if everything is ok or to make sure I'm not upset with him.
I also noticed (since BD but after the fog lifted a teeny teeny tiny bit, like on the days he is not totally in the tunnel) that if my mood is a lil off, H is super worried that I'm upset with him?
SO I will continue to kiss him "see ya later".
SO I think, that H may be taking some of his frustrations out on s14? Now s14 is a typical teenage boy with the mouth and attitude etc,,when H is home with us on the weekends or his 1 day off it seems like every lil thing s14 does irrates H, and he fussing at him all that time, about everything, grades, room, clothes, food, cleaning, comments,,like everything.
H mention to me that he dreads H day off, cause he is going to complain and fuss, and he also said we tag team him...
I'm going to mention it to H today in a non confrontational way,,
H may not be aware of it, so Im going to bring it up as an FYI.
I did tell s14, that I will work on how I communicate with him and I told him his dad and I are parents who work together and make decisions together for him with love and care, and that anything we tell him if with love but we could communicate it in a better way so he does not feel attacked.
Back to H and how he talks to s14, it seems like maybe since Im very netural and dont bring up any R subjects and I dont argue or fuss with H, its like he has started to nit pit s14 even more?
If H and I start to talk and he seems agigtated, I just stop and go on to something else...before I use to argue my point until forever, now I dont until H is in a better mood to talk...
H is miserable and I need to address this ASAP, to stop him from hounding s14 ALLLL THE TIME.
Might not be the best plan, but I want to at least call it to H attention,,,
AND I was doing this a lil myself with my held in frustrations and after it was called to my attention I was able to reconginze and stop it, or greatly reduce it.
I now tell S14 if I need a mintue to talk to him and or address something, I stop myself to make sure my emotions are not wrongly directed at s14. And when I'm wrong I apologize to s14 and tell him I was dealing with something else ,,,
Update:
Had a quick convo with H. H did not totally agree, and some things he responded with I agreed with.
I said what I felt was needed, H listend. It's done. I have no plans to bring it up again.
Happy,
Sometimes you have to point out the behavior. Once you've done this, then you need to leave it alone, i.e., just as you have stated...you aren't bringing it up again.
So, what are your plans for the weekend?
Weekend was GREAT. I GAL like crazy with my Mom & my BFF and some crazy ladies.
Wine and Paiting (my artwork has been hung in my living room)
Live cover Band concert
Pedi
Basketball game at local Pub
Dinner 2X
Shopping (2 days)
It was my bday weekend, H got me a very nice card, money, cake, and took s14 and I out to eat.
I'm TIRED but had tons of FUN. AND I found time to clean out some old clothes for donation.
Wow! What a busy weekend! I'm glad you had fun and even found time to clean out some old clothes for donation. Happy, you are doing great!
How is your son doing these days?
Happy belated Birthday! Sounds like you had a great weekend.
S14 is doing very well. Grades are up, I see him taking more responsibility for his school work.
I DB s14, I had to look deep at the way I was responding to him, the way I was approaching him and it was NOT working, so I took several steps back, explained to him my expectations, told him I'm doing the best I can and he can discuss whatever he wants to with me, just stay repectful. I'v given him more freedom and he has steped up and been responsible. But he is a teeanger in puberty so I know there will be ups and downs.
H did not once this weekend fuss or complain about s14, so even though he disagreed with what I told him, I saw him talk and interact much more gently with s14. And s14 and H was joking and working together on new furniture in s14 bedroom.
This weekend was GREAT over all , all the way around!
MY positive attitude is rubbing off on s14 and a teeny tiny bit on H. I work VERY hard on watching my words and my reactions, and trying to find the positive way to handle situations...it seems like my whole household is brighter:)
Bright
THANKS for the bday wish. THANKFUL to be here, thankful for each and every day GOD blesses me.
I DB s14, I had to look deep at the way I was responding to him, the way I was approaching him and it was NOT working, so I took several steps back, explained to him my expectations, told him I'm doing the best I can and he can discuss whatever he wants to with me, just stay repectful. I'v given him more freedom and he has steped up and been responsible. But he is a teeanger in puberty so I know there will be ups and downs.
Kind of funny, we come here for M issues, and the tools we learn here transcend to other aspects of our lives.
Personally, I found I became a much better communicator at work, and career wise I have had much more success then before BD.
Yes I totally agree
I came here to save my M, my M still up in the air.
BUT I have saved myself!!!! I have improved ME (still in process), my communications with everyone are improving.
I'm happier than I have been in a long time, because here I look deep, with my pastoral counseling I dug dipper, I had to get back to loving ME.
The help and advice here,,,WOW pushed me along to where Iam now and I plan on keeping moving forward.
Planning a trip for next year for son 16th.
Son wants his dad to join us.
I told H in front of son of our plans, H said nothing.
The cruise will b next year, but I will make deposits in May.
Do I ask H if he wants to come or just let it go since he said nothing when asked the first time if he was interested?
And right now I'm not really interested in H going not with the way our M is at this time.
Do I ask H again? This is something son wants. But son is also ok if H does not go...I told him H does not really like cruising?
Happy,
I would ask him one more time...but I would do it when you are ready to put the deposit on the cruise. He will then need to make a decision because of the deposit.
Job
Yes ...now there is a 1/2 price deposit special so instead of May I will be making deposit next week.
H can always join in later based on room availability.
so I will tell him Im making deposit, and ttell him he is welcome to go and that he has time to decide to join us.
That's what I do with H. I make the plans, accepting H may or may not go. I then let him know about it and let him know he is welcome to join. For me, it's less of a rejection doing it this way instead of straight out asking and getting a no. IDK, emotionally it's easier for me
We love cruising! It was an annual thing up until last year. S has been to 6 countries at the age of 8! At he end of last year, S and I were talking about how much we missed going on a cruise and decided we should go this summer. Most likely it would just be me and him, but we have so much fun. Where are you going? Which cruise line do you like? I am a cruise junkie
I told him he actually said he would think about and let me know.
we go on Carnival best bang for the buck.
This will only be S14 2nd one but he LOVES it. This is my 6th or 7th I would go every year if I could afford it.
I love Carnival. It got a bad rap for being a party line, but we preferred it over Royal Carribean. More food choices and way more fun things to do. Their new ships are really cool!
So good, he will think about it. Just prepare yourself for either way.
I let H know, only after he asked, that S and I are going to the movies tonight. I did the standard, you are always welcome. He says he wants to come. You just never know! Lol
Happy,
You've told your h about your reservations and have invited him along. Now it's time to step back and give him some space to think about the cruise. If you have any brochures that lay out what your cruise will entail, leave them out so that he can pick them up and read them for himself. Don't talk about it too much, but definitely drop some hints about what you are looking forward to periodically. It's up to him now whether he will go or not. If he doesn't, that's his loss. You and your son will have a blast. I like Carnival too!
I'm very glad you've booked your trip. You and your son deserve a much needed time out from MLC.
Meligh4. Enjoy the movies.
Job..I have no plans to extend the invitation again until Im ready to purchase airline tickets.
S14 and I will be talking about trip so those may be hints for H.
Cruise June 2016 Booked.
Son and I are excited.
H was sitting here as I may deposit and was talking other frieds who are interested in going.
Earlier before I made deposit on 8 day cruise I told s14, H may not go he is not a big fan of cruising and especially a long cruise. I did not add in the fact that H just may not want to be on a cruise with me anyway. I ask s14 if he was sure he was ok with the 8 day vs a shorter one that H may go on.
S14 was like I dont want to take a shorter cruise and dad not go anyway...so sad that S14 wants his dad on the trip but we have no way of knowing if H would really even go. Oh well...
SO,,,H tried to act like I was being "mean" today said I was yelling and fussing at him and s14. S14 was like "wow" I just said to H I have not been mean, we were all actually joking and playing earlier so why would you say that...I said when was I mean or yelling...H face went blank he had no response.
I think he said that because of me planning the trip in front of him,,,or maybe this is another mind game of the MLC..cause I'm HAPPY and moving forward, he had to say something to try and make me feel bad. NOT going to work. Or maybe cause I decided to not go with him and s14 suit shopping..who knows its sad that he would try to say I was being mean when I was NOT.
I wish he would not pull this mess in front of s14.
So just a note about me moving forward, growing. I tried to iniate ML the other day, H acted not as interested,,so I was like OK,,the train is leaving the station maybe another time. BUT I was NOT crushed emotionally. NOT at all, I was like his loss.
Happy,
Good for you! You booked your cruise and now you and your son have something to look forward to in the future. The time will fly and you'll be on that ship before you know it!
As for your h, it's his loss if he doesn't go. I'm glad to see that his antics haven't ruined your fun and happiness this week.
Keep up the good work!
Thank You Job
Man,,,I can tell I have come a long way. Without your help and the others...no idea where I would be or my stitch, but I know I BETTER, much better:)
Hey, 2BHappy, I’m so excited for you! You seems to be doing a lot better. Keep on going!
Thanks Bright
Hold on Tight...
Last night H left family movie night in the middle of the movie. He told us he was going to hang out with some friends over a friends house. I told him bye and to tell the friend and his wife I said hello.
20min later phone rings, H is telling me that none of the other guys showed up and its just friend and his wife, and said the friend wanted me to come over and join them for a drink and conversation.
I was shocked but agreed and told H I would need to get dressed.
H told me to wear the pants I had on and just change shirts (something I HATE when he strongly suggest what I should wear)
I tried to chnage H comes back to pick me up and he was like I still like the pants you had on, so I put them back on.
S14 was watching me and was like Mom if dad likes the pants, and s14 was like you look fine,,just go.
So we go to friends we have nice conversation with friends, they tell me they miss me have not seen me in forever,,,
On way home H was like "its usually guys and the wife is usually upstairs or doing something else"
H initated ML ,,,I was really not as present as I should have been mentally.
I know not to drop my guard at this point, I know this was a nice invite, a nice time with another couple.
Job, I will not now go overboard with the pursuing stuff.
I told H I had a nice time and thanks for the invite.
EARLIER in the day, H and S14 went shopping for a wedding suite for s14, they came back and the suite was very nice, but too expensive, I let H know that he spent too much, but that it was very nice. S14 was not happy with me, he said dad was excited all the way home saying he knew how much you would like this suite and he was proud of what they had picked out. S14 wanted me to apologize to his dad, said he could tell dad was crushed by my response,,,
later H came back and told me he thought he had done a great job picking out the complete suite,,but I did not seem to agree.
I told H I loved the suite, just was shocked by the total price.
Was just kinda strange that H was seeking my approval,,,I think I have been missing these things...
Happy,
I'm glad things went well. Your h was looking for validation last night about the suit. Clothes today, are expensive and the sticker shock of a young man's suit will throw you thru a loop. My sister just took her son, who is graduating next month from high school, shopping and she just about flipped at the prices of suits. But, in order to get something nice, you almost have to pay what an adult man would pay for a suit.
I think you explained yourself much better later in the evening about the suit. Your h was so happy about getting something really nice and he evidently didn't mind paying the price. Sometimes, we have to bite our tongues, especially when they do things such as this because they are trying so hard to do the right thing and want our approval, i.e., like kids wanting mom's approval. Be sure to take photos of your h and your son in his suit when he wears it.
As for the evening...I'm glad you aren't going to pursue him because of ML. He'll wonder why you aren't...but stay the course. BTW, if he hadn't wanted you to come over to the friend's house, he wouldn't have called you. This tells me that he does enjoy your company just as long as you don't put pressure on him. Step in the right direction!
Over all, your evening went quite well. Keep up the good work.
Last year I was trying to refi home, H was all for it, wanted to have lower MTG payments ( I think this was cause he wanted me to be able to affoard house on my own when he left)
H was willing to sign his rights away to the house if I refi then, I was not married when I brought the house, but REFI while married and H was not going to be on the loan due to his tax issues,,and was not sure if we were staying married anyway...
SO fast forward to now, I finally found rates/closing costs etc I was willing to REFI for, told H about it and that he would need to sign away rights to house to avoid possible tax lein since I was REFI as married and he would not be on the loan etc and not on the title to the home.
NOW H was like well...maybe we should wait, said he planned on taking care of his tax debt this year and then WE or I can REFI later on.
Said he did not see a reason to REFI now, I said so you dont want to sign off on the house, so we can take adavntae of lower int rates,,,he said No,,said again he is going to take care of tax debt and then we can see if its better to REFI together or just me later on, said however we can get the best rate/deal. Said once he takes care of tax debt we dont have to worry about a possible tax lien being placed on the house once REFI is done.
WTH, WOW now he was allllll for it last year, trying to reduce any debt we had,,,now NO.
I guess he has decided regardless he is not going to sign his rights to the house away.
I want these lower rates, but Im trying to see a positive in this, maybe he is even less sure about leaving the M?
Happy,
Please try not to read into what he wants or doesn't want to do right now. There could be any number of reasons why he doesn't want to finance now and one of them is that he's going to get his own financial issues resolved. Maybe he will and maybe he won't get them resolved. Could be that he isn't planning to stick around or it could be that he just doesn't want to go thru a refinancing right now. He's not ready to sign his rights away because if he should opt to leave, he's going to want his share of the equity in the home.
Bottom line, he's not ready to sign over his rights to anything at this point in time. Some of them do this and it's unfortunate as the rates are fairly good right now.
I'm sorry he's not willing to do this...but I'm not surprised.
Job
I totally understand that I can NOT read his mind. I know there are many reasons why he would not want to sign his rights away. It actually makes sense to me, I would want my share if it was the other way around.
I was surprised because last year this time he was ready for me to REFI in my name and sign away his rights to the house. His focus was to get bills lower so it would not be hard for me to cover the MTG on my own.
Now on this issue Im a lil bothered cause we are wasting money paying higher interest rate, and it was something he was PUSHING hard for , but the deal/rates were not the best last year, it was lower but not enough, but now it would really make sense to go thru with it. The rates, no closing cost (REFI thru my job), 2 months no payment, discount thru my job making int rate even lower.
AND NOW this, now he talking about getting his tax issues resovled and then WE can looking into REFI.
If it was not for the possibility of a tax lien once I refi as married, I would just do it, I dont care about him signing away his rights, that is only to avoid a tax lien...
Heck IF he leaves I have no problem giving him his share IF/WHEN I sold this house. But if Im still in the house,,then I have no plans on "buying" him out,,,well since his name not on MTG or Title and I was not married when I brought the house I would not have to "buy" him out,,,well maybe this is the best right now cause if he leaves M, right now I would not have to "buy" him out anyway..OK I will use this as my positive.
So not fair that even though he not being a H, he is making H decisions that affect me. WOW
Happy,
If his name is not on the mortgage and title, why not pursue the refinance in your name only? Does he have any ties to the house financially except maybe helping pay the mortgage? I really think I would look into this and ask questions. You must might be able to do it on your own.
About last year, he was most probably feeling a lot of guilt and shame for what he may have been doing and wanted to push to get this stuff done. Now, this year, he wants to wait which tells me that he's further along the yellow brick road, i.e., from last year.
Happy, do your homework, ask questions and if you can do this, then do it if it can be done.
BTW, am I rubbing you the wrong way? I get a sense that you get annoyed sometimes w/my postings to you. If so, I'm sorry that I annoy you, but I'm trying to remind you, as well as other posters that we can't always figure out where their minds are at any given moment.
JOB
NO NO NO YOU dont annoy me at all. I hope my responses dont come off that way. OMGoodness NO NO NO NO NO NO.
None of the responses to my post annoy me, it may be just that Im annoyed at this whole situation and maybe that is coming back in my response?
I did check and Yes I can refi on my own, I was just advised by the MTG rep that since Im married my H would be on the title unless he signs his rights away. And the risks of that would be a tax lein being placed on the house since H has tax debts.
SO I could and not have H sign away his rights and run the risks of a tax lein.
The thing with that is, the MTG company I wanted to go with might not want to take that risks with the possibility that a tax lein could be on the property.
I also mentioned that to H, just taking the risks and he said its not a good idea, he would not want them to be able to put a lein on the house.
I plan to possiibly sale this house in 3-4 years anyway...
H bday in 2 days.
I have a gift for him, plan to leave on table that morning before I leave for work.
I have ask him about going to dinner next week, step sons have been asking me "what are we doing for dad's bday" so I told them dinner at some point.
I will leave it at that. I had no plans on the dinner outing, but my step sons I'm not sure if they know anything about our M issues, so they expect me to arrange the dinner for dad's bday,,something we have been doing for years.
SS34 and his GF, and kids and GF mom spent Easter dinner with my mom and S14 and some of my cousins. We had a great time.
I can say my realtionship with my step sons is better then it ever has been, we spend more time together now then we have in the past. It seems like my H really pushes us to spend time together, in the past if H was not available due to work, SS's often went elsewhere, but for the last few years they are with me during holidays rather H is there or not.
Maybe because they are adults now and live here in the same town, but I love them hanging out and bring their kids over. I'm glad it does not matter to them if their dad is there or not, they still want to spend time with me and of course their brother.
SS34 often calls me and I'm even his back up (has new baby is on the way very soon and SS34 drives trucks for a living so in case he is on the road and baby comes, I'm the stand in Dad, he did not ask his dad he ask ME.
I think you are doing the wise thing by leaving his gift on the table. That way, it's not made into a big deal for him. As for your step sons, maybe they should ask their father what he wants to do this year for his birthday. They are old enough now to plan things for the both of you or even w/just him. However, it would be nice to have the family get together for his birthday, but because he's been in crisis, one never knows what they want or don't want when it comes to such things.
It's always nice to have a good relationship w/the step children. Your relationship w/them will continue to grow because of "grandchildren". Maybe the reason you are going to be the "stand in dad" is because he knows his father is kinda out to lunch sometimes. It's an honor to be there for the birth and ensure that everything goes according to plan, i.e., getting the mother to the hospital, etc.
I'm glad Easter was pleasant and you got to spend it w/family members. So, what's on your agenda for Spring?
I agree, I wish they would contact H directly about bday dinner plans. I know H does not respond to them when he wants to avoid a topic, so maybe they find it easier to contact me and get details or information. SS34 did mention/hint at Easter dinner that "dad is acting old" "dad is getting old" "dad is acting funny" maybe this is SS34 way of trying to figure out what is going on with his dad. Actually he probably did not ask his dad, cause his dad has given him a very hard time about having another child.
Spring plans- I plan to keep cleaning my mind and soul, along with my home, lose weight, get more active. Keep working on keeping lines of communication open with my S14. Contine to work on being the best I can be each day. Improving my R with family and friends. H's crisis has open my eyes to things I needed and or wanted to change/improve on within myself.
Along with the gift of time, I've gotten the gift of "getting me together" "focus on me"
Job,,,did you read my reponse to you on 4/3 post above. Just want to make sure you know how I feel.
Yes, I did read your response and all is good.
Your step son knows that something is wrong w/his father, but he can't put his finger on it. I hope he doesn't tell his father that he is acting old or acting strange. That will surely keep the "distance" situation going.
As for another child, that decision is up to your step son and the mother of his child. Sure, we all have an opinion about what is good and what's not, but if your step son is excited about the baby and wants the child, then enough has been said. It could be that your h is reflecting back on what his life was like when his older children came along and what he "thinks" may have hindered his fun times, etc. I do hope that your h will welcome this new baby w/open arms and enjoy the little one because they sure don't stay little for very long. Being a grandparent at an early age also reminds them that they are getting old too. They have such a warped sense of thinking.
Your plans sound great and each and every plan is workable.
Keep up the good work! Keep your phone handy as you never know when you may be called to go to the hospital.
YES, H is reflecting on how his having kids early,,,"affected" his younger years. He always tells SS34 that he should not have as many kids 2.5 that he has, SS34 left college when his 1st son was born 10 years ago H did the same thing when SD 32 was born, 32 years ago...so I know he is thinking more about his past and how he feels having kids early and basically being forced to leave college. H's mother was very old school and once his 2nd child was born she strongly advised him to leave college on a football scholorhips and come home get a job and take care of his kids. H had ALWAYS regretted that!!!
SS34 is worried about money, but is excited about his 3rd and what he says is his last child.
I'm on stand by and READY, already told my manager the situation and that I may need to leave a second notice.
The mom is also having some complications so even more alert!!!
H is not as involved with any of the grandkids, it is me who invites them over, its me who the Skids call and ask for baby sitting etc. He has not been welcoming about this newest baby on it way but I hope soon he will be.
Yes, SS34 has mention to his dad that he is getting old and acting "old".
Oh, my! I do hope the mother doesn't have any complications w/the birth of the baby. I'm sure you'll be right there and coaching her and giving her plenty of support if needed.
History appears to be repeating itself for your h. He's thinking about the past and the what ifs, should have beens etc. Hopefully he can work thru this and learn to enjoy his grandchildren. You are only as old as you feel. I hope that he will learn to embrace his life and know that what he's learn thru the years will help all of his children and grandchildren along the way. I know that my father was an older grandfather and he enjoyed his grandchildren very much. Your h is a younger grandfather and could do so much w/them as they being to grow up a bit and want to do things.
I think it's wonderful that the step children and grandchildren come over even if "pops" isn't involved w/them they know you are. One day, he may just surprised everyone, including himself, and warm up to them and begin to become interested and want to do things w/them. At least that is my hope for him and the family.
H Bday, left gift on table. H called and said THANKS.
I got H a watch, I had brought really nice watches in the past and realized I have not seen them in a while. Granted H now works a job where he would NOT wear an expensive nice watch to work.
So today, I said I dont know if you have too many watches and you are welcome to return if you want something else...
Well he says he told me over 1 year ago that a couple of his expensives watches got stolen when his car was broken into.
I do recall H telling about his credit cards etc and other items being stolen and I wonder why in the world they were int he car sitting in a not too nice area anyway...but it seemed to go along with when he was keeping alot of stuff hidden in his cars, like it was going to be his get away (from me) car.
BUT I was not clear at that time that some very expensive watches I brought H was stolen. If I had known then I would have file a claim with insurance...WOW, so I really dont think he told me at that time about the wathces.
AND no he did not file a police report then, he acted like then just closing credit/debit cards was all he needed to do. IF I had known the watches were stolen, I would have ask him to file police report.
WOW...
I'm glad to read that he acknowledged is gift. Unfortunately, mlcers don't think w/a level head when it comes to losing things or having things stolen. Keep in mind, if he was in a your adult stage at that time, he didn't put as much value on the "material things" as we would have and he probably never thought to report the thefts to the police or to the insurance. Then again, he may not have wanted "mom" to know that they were gone. All he was most likely worried about were his credit cards, i.e., which meant his ticket to purchasing were gone until new ones were issued.
In this day and age, no one should be leaving anything in a vehicle that is of value. There are just too many car break in these days. It's water under the bridge now, but I hope he learned something from what happened. I'm sorry you had to hear what happened today.
Job
im sure he did not want to tell me then those were stolen
Hello All,
I'm feeling a little lonely today.
I want to spend some time with my H, want some attention from my H.
Last night when H got home from work, his back was hurting, he took pain meds and sleep in basement on couch. H got up this morning and started yard work. I felt like I was going to start the R talk, so I went and ran some errands.
But the bottom line is I feel really alone, I mean I have my s14, my mom and my friends.
I want some time with my H, attention from my H. When this feeling hits me, this is one I struggle with and this one really can hurt, it just hurts to feel like or to know my H does not want me or this M, not in the way I want or need him to want me and our M right now.
Its days like this, that I sometimes wonder if it would be better to be done with this M, and free to explore other options?
I'm not a woman that needs attention all the time, or to be dated every weekend, but going this long without it is starting to wear thin. Yeah my H and I have sex usually weekly, but I need more emotional connections, I want to be told H loves me, I want to feel that he wants me not just the weekly sex which most times have no deep connection, just physical.
Days like this, I want to be free, a single woman, with the chance to be loved by a man a good man a honest man a spiritual man.
Days like this I don't know how much longer I can accept this?
I love my H, but I don't think he loves me like a husband loves a wife, or like I want to be loved by him?
Just one of those days...
I'm sorry you are having one of those "lonely" days. Question for you is this....what would you do if your h was in a coma? I have a feeling you would find something to do to take your mind off of feeling lonely. Happy, I do understand your need for emotional contact and support, but your h is running on empty right now, he's got absolutely nothing to give, i.e., think of him as being in a coma.
Find something to do, i.e., maybe a new hobby might help.
Job, yeah that is another way to look at it.
If H was in a coma, I would just deal with the lonely, it would be different it would a lonely that my H could not do anything about. So its a little harder to deal in my current situation.
I usually stay as busy as I can, I have lots of things to do that I enjoy doing. But today, today, I would love to be really loved by my H. Today I want to be given a long hug and a deep kiss, to be able to lay my head on his shoulder or to spoon in bed, for H to call me on his lunch break and say he misses me.
Sometimes I stay so busy I wear myself out.
A new hobby, I need to think about this what is something I would want to start to do...
It's so ironic, now that s14 does not need as much of my time and I have more time for my H, now H does not want my time:(
Now that Im not a WAS anymore, my H does not care...
And a very scary thing that has started, I'm so aware of other men and how they act toward me, how much attention they pay to me, the comments I now really hear.
I have actually stopped going to my local lil pub because of some of the attention I get from the single men, I feel weaker now,,before I never paid any attention to other men and only laugh off or ignore any flirting...but now its feels good,,,too good the attention.
Some hobbies that might interest you: yoga, belly dancing or pole dancing. The last two, once you've gotten them down might prove to be interesting to your h. Time to think outside the box for something that will interest YOU and not just to keep you busy.
Belly Dancing...that is something I have thought about at different times, I even have a belly dancing CD.
I will drag that out, and see how I like it, then maybe look for classes in my area.
VENT
SS34 just text me again asking me about bday dinner plans for his dad. I told him to please check with his dad I have no idea, told him his dad tells me NOTHING!!!
I wanted to tell SS34 to stop asking me about his dad in general, going forward just contact his dad when it involves his dad and leave me out of it.
It makes me upset to have to say I dont know, cause I dont even know if H is working today, or if he wants to go to dinner or where or when. These are things I should know about my H.
SS34 will get the hint, cause from now on when he ask me anything related to his dad, Im going to tell him to ask his dad, same for SS26. Leave me out of IT!!!
They can call/text me about the grandkids anytime, about s14, about me, about other family members or issues. BUT call your MLC, "dont want his W" Dad, if its at all related to him. CALL HIM ASK HIM.
AND I'm tired of passing messages from them to him, CALL HIM!
You did the right thing. Your SS34 is a grown man and should be interacting w/his father, i.e., one on one. He's not a teenager any longer. Those two will need to figure out how to interact w/one another.
OK I need to calm down.
So Ss34 gets in touch with H, H tells him we will go eat when I get off work. SS34 text me and ask me what time I get off work, H told him he did not know.
THEN they make plans to meet at a time that I have to rush to get ready, to change clothes etc.
I have a mind to NOT go, so not in the mood now at all!!!
THEN H tells me I dont need to change clothes, not that again, not the telling me what to wear.
Breathe!
Wear what you have on and don't worry about it. You are coming home from work and will not have time to change. Sometimes we have to do things on the fly and this is one of them. Don't sweat the small stuff. Go, put in an appearance and be pleasant.
Once the dinner is over, it's over for another year and you don't have to deal w/this for another 12 months.
Breathe!
Update
Went to dinner had a great time with the family.
While waiting for rest of family to arrive, H ask me if I moved his wedding ring. He said he has not seen it since I took our rings to be cleaned earlier this year. I told him I left it on his side of the dresser and the next day it was no longer there, so I assumed he put it away.
I know for a fact he placed it in his storage cube which sits on the dresser, cause I saw it there when looking for something else, but I did not tell him this.
I do wonder why he was asking, even bringing up the dam wedding ring that he has not worn in almost 2 years. Did he want to wear it today? I did not have my own, I do not wear it with him when we go places, it might be childish but I told him once before don't want no one to think Im a married woman out cheating with a single man.
So later we get home and we are sitting on our deck talking about the neighbors that are selling the houses and hoping for good new neighbors. H says we should sale this house and buy a bigger foreclosed home. I was like really, you want to sale this house and buy another house? He said maybe we can make a nice amount of money by selling, then get a bigger foreclosed home.
I told him I was surprised to hear he would want to purchase another home (did not say with me, but I wanted to)
I said we could sale if he wanted, and left it alone. He cannot sale this home, his name is not on it, and I had no energy to continue the conversation.
NO way in hell would I sale this house and purchase a home with him with our current situation. if I sale I will get an apartment something to rent.
WHAT in the world is going on now? What is he up to?
I need to stay very alert, feel like a shift is coming, no idea if positive or negative, no idea if this was a peek out of the shell or a confused man talking out the side of his head.
Either way, I'm not buying it!!!
As I walk away shaking my head saying under my breathe "what the heck now"
I am glad you went to dinner and had a nice time.
Interesting that he would ask about the ring. He may very well have been testing you to see if you actually knew where he had put it or he just forgot...but my money is on the fact that he knows exactly where it is.
What is w/these mlcers wanting to sell their homes and purchase new and bigger ones? My xh wanted to do this as well. His excuse was that he wanted to move closer to the city to go see ballet performances and other activities. Well, the my first thought was...what did he know about ballet? Nothing. They want change and don't care how they go about it. I'm glad you just listened and didn't remind him that his name isn't on it. Sell only if when you are ready to do so.
I think your h is still confused and is talking about anything that comes to mind. I also think he's looking for a reaction. You handled the evening quite nicely. It will be interesting to see what he comes up w/next.
Thoughts today:
I know non of us LBS wanted or deserve this treatment from our MLC's (or whatever the reason is).
I'm appear as a strong woman, I've taken care of myself and others for years, I've always been able to provide for myself.
BUT I eat to deal with issues, I'm over wieght, I need to lose min of 70 lbs..all this to say...somewhere I wonder what my self esteem issue are to even deal with this crap from my H.
Is this really love I have for him that is keeping me here, on stand by, is this fear of raising our son alone, or is this fear of being alone and scared of moving on,,,
Is my weight/self esteem issue keeping me here a LBS on stand by, hoping, praying wishing accepting much less then I deserve from my H.
I really wish I had the guts to tell him to leave, sometimes I want him to be some where else working him self or not, but out of my space, sometimes its time up, time to move on..
then something keeps me here, hoping praying wishing, some of it is guilt for my part in the M issues, but I thought I had moved on.
I'm really asking myself WHY am I still here in this situation.
My H is a very patient man, and as long as there is no drama, he will be "comfortable" in being how ever he wants, as long as I accept the way it is now,,,,
I have really backed off on initaitng ML (just not feeling it), don't even notice when he does not call me before he goes to work (I just realized I dont miss the calls or think about it)
I noticed I have not even really felt like brining up our R, M. I have thought about it but then was like its not worth it.
When I get "mad" at our situation and H is home, I leave the house to avoid brining it up.
Last time I invited him someplace I sent him a text (friends have invited up to a fight party), usually after the text I would ask him if he got it, and what did he think, this time NOPE, and dont plan on brining it up, other then a reminder to let him know that night when he gets home I will not be home (will tell him that day)
At the bday dinner, I made sure to sit where H could not sit next to me.
H newphews wedding in July, and Im going I want to go, I love my H family, they are my family now...but boy will I have as much fun with H there?
What phase is this for me?
Happy,
From your posting, you sound like a stress eater. Just a suggestion...have some carrot sticks handy when you start to feel that need to be eating. Also, get into some of those activities such a belly dancing. That will not only will help you lose weight, but also firm you up just a bit while having some fun. Walking is another good way to stay busy, but also lose weight.
I think you are disgusted and discouraged today. I also think you were hoping that his crisis would have been moving at a quicker pace. Your h has got it made, so why would he rock the boat? He can't miss you because you are still there. You are still doing things for him. I know, he's there and you love him, but he's not budging and isn't learning anything when "mom" is around. In other words, he's comfortable.
If you send him a text, don't follow up to see if he got it, don't remind him of things. One time is enough w/all of the modern electronics today. He's a grown man and should be able to figure some things out for himself, even in crisis.
I think you are starting to realize that nothing is changing. If you want changes, you will need to be the one to make them for YOU and your son. I don't see your h having the "initiative" right now.
Job
I don't know what to do? I thought I had made changes?
Short of asking H to leave, going back to being a WAS, refusing to have sex, asking for a D, what can I do?
Stop doing things? Family movie night, s14 is here so do I decline those (s14 was kinda upset the one time I did), stop inviting him to go places with me ( I can do this, but I only ask when friends invite US)
I can and will stop passing messages from SS's to H.
I mean, it seems like the only option I have is to continue as is, or FORCE something, start to rock the boat, start to make demands. I don't see or think that would help?
H being here at home is good and bad at times.
Im very tired of all of this.
Do I force the R talk, do I stop inviting him places, do I stop buying him gifts for bdays, fathers day, Christmas? Do I not go to the wedding with him and rest of the family? DO I ignore his phone calls? DO I stop talking to him when we are home together?
Do I only make enough dinner for s14 and I? Do I leave H's clothes dirty and only wash s14 and I clothes?
DO I hide the soap, toilet paper, toothpaste, and force him to get his own?
Do I tell him I'm starting to feel anger toward this whole situation?
Job, I'm frustrated, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm ANGRY as hell, I'm tired.
I want to ask for this to move on for this to be over for a D!!!
But I'm trying to be patient, doing GAL as much as possible,
focus on my s14, focused on my family, my work.
OMGoodness, I feel like Im going to explode and this came out of nowhere it seems.
I needed to vent all that OUT!!!
I have no idea what to do:(
Happy,
Your frustration is ringing out loud and clear. It's difficult when you have a MLCer at home because they are right there in your face. He may not even realize how he is behaving because he's not really focused on you right now. Keep in mind his empathy chip is broken and they can only focus on themselves and how they feel.
Here's the thing...your changes have to be for you and only you. You don't do them to get a reaction out of your h. You had been doing really well up until Valentine's Day. Even though you say you aren't "expecting" things from him...you still are. You are looking for any reaction from him and he's deep in the tunnel and it's going to take a while before he even begins to clear the fog from his eyes.
What I suggest is to treat him as a room mate. Would you text a room mate about an appointment and then text them again to ask if they got the message? I don't think so. Text him once w/the info and leave it be. Do you treat him as you would your son, i.e., being a mom? Think about that one just a bit. If your answer is yes, then stop being a mother to your man/child.
Yes, go to the wedding w/him if he should ask you to go w/him. Yes, you can take his calls, but don't be readily available all of the time. Yes, you can talk to him when you are home...but have some things that keep you busy so that you aren't spending so much time w/him. You've got to learn to be a "separate" individual from the "couple" that you have been in the past. Each of you need your space, especially him.
There comes a time when you need to think about what YOU want to do w/your life. If you think you are strong enough to have a conversation w/him about where the relationship is going and what you would need to meet your needs, then do it, but don't bring up the word divorce. You will need to stay calm and not be emotional about it.
Your h is very comfortable w/the way things are right now and has been for a while. You and only you can decide whether to rock the boat by having a conversation w/him, doing something different or continuing as you have been. If you want to continue as you have been, then you are going to need to find outside resources to help you get rid of that frustration, i.e., such as a hobby, the gym, walking, etc. Your frustration is going to eventually bubble up and you will explode either on your son or your h. It's best to get this stuff out of your system. If it helps come here and do the venting...but you will still need to do some work on the frustration in your real world.
Are you willing to wait another 1-3 years for his crisis to be over? As I stated above, you are the only one that can decide what you want to do. Don't be afraid to try different things. If something doesn't work, try something else.
The better me changes Im making for me. Not to save this M or R.
Yes, I'm still expecting too much, way too much.
Room mate, Yes I need to see H as a room mate, who I would only expect to be respectful, pay 1/2 bills, clean up after themselves etc.
STOP being so available to him, I need the space also.
H has been more vocal and kinda excited about going to his newphews wedding, then he has been about anything in a long time.
I will go to the wedding, that is my plan at this time.
Prayed alot last night, this morning always helps.
Not planning a R talk right now, planning to go as dark as I can while living in same house.
New hobbie:, will be starting to learn belly dancing this weekend (found my DVD).
Not willing to wait too much longer, maybe thru end of 2015. I would not tell H that of course.
JOB, thank You so very much. I dont know if you know how much you especially help me, by just responding, by pointing out things so I can see more clearer.
2BHappy - I completely feel for you. I am finding it hard to live in the same house also. I don't know how to act. It is hard to change years of interaction. I too wonder how long to wait for the man/child to return to being a partner rather than a dependent.
Happy,
I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time w/him being in the house, but you've got to find a way to keep your expectations at zero or extremely low. He truly doesn't have anything to give right now and trust me, his energy level isn't all it's cracked up to be right now. Going to work takes a lot out of him because he has to interact w/lots of people and when he comes home, all he wants to do is be in his own space and chill out.
Happy, it's time for you to find things that will occupy you and challenge your mind. You need your own space to figure out what YOU want and how YOU want to spend the rest of your life.
Also, I believe I am poster 101. You need to think about starting a new thread before this one is locked.
2b- I am not in a place to post a well thought out post. Just know you are amazing. You have always been so strong and positive and have encouraged me all along to do the same.
It's ok to hit a rough patch. I know you will overcome bc you are what I typed in the first paragraph. But we are human- and can feel down.
Stay strong, my friend. There will be an upside!