Nothing new to report. X seems to be perfectly fine with his new life and OG.
But I had this odd strange feeling that something is, well, afloat. I have no reason to feel this way but I do.
I am having lunch with Crushee this week. Haven't seen him in about a month and only chatted with him once in that time.
I am expecting things to be quiet and to not have much to say here.
X called to clarify some things yesterday. I was to the point and that was it.
Continuing minimal contact. Tomorrow I will let him know some things that are up w/D, but that is enough.
Also, next week will be the last I see of him for over a week, which is, at this time, fine by me.
I knew I would be sad tonight and I am. I do not have my D for Xmas and I am thinking of OW with my D and missing her.
I have made plans to do some other things but I will still miss D.
Will make a point of continuing to be as scarce as possible w/X.
forward
hopefully as you maintain your distance from your Xh, you will heal more and move forward with your life
you have done a good job at creating a peaceful environment considering the situation
I would feel the same about the OG
but you have done well
wishing you a peaceful holiday
peace
Thanks Peace.
With D gone, I miss her, but I also have the chance to do some adult things. I am looking forward to that.
Forward, its tough to get new things going. My advice to you is to be willing to try new things and keep yourself open to having fun. It doesn't mean you have to run out and start dating, just hook up with people and have some fun!
Hey F! I have to say that although I really miss my kids when they're gone, it is a little break. I can do some adult things, shopping, movies, whatever. Try to look at it that way and find something fun to do.
I am exercising every day this week while she is gone!
I have politely called X a few times to talk to D, but otherwise I am silent and will continue to be still.
I realized that I feel angry w/X whenever I talk with him. Therefore I still feel that minimal contact is best.
D was back today and is sleeping soundly now.
Hey FW, KM here
I think you are doing the right thing by venting here and staying dark with your WS.
I know not having your kids around is tough.
wish I had better words for you,
but keep your chin up.
What do you think it is that makes you still angry at H?
Try to figure it out so you can get over it - otherwise you can't move on.
I know the feeling - been there so many times. A lot of times, I realized it wasn't actually H I was mad at, but myself (for not having a life, etc...).
Oo, SH, that prompts a lot of thoughts.
-I am angry at the names he called me.
-I am angry at his lack of emotional support for me during difficult times.
-I am angry that I am left with the majority of the financial burden for our daughter.
-I am angry at his childish behavior.
-I am angry that he is spoiled and ungrateful for most of the things that he has been granted in life--more than most people.
-I am angry that he did things w/OW that I had wanted to do with him for years.
-I am angry that he still treats our daughter as an annoyance and won't spend an extra second of time with her.
-I am angry that he treated me as a an annoyance.
-I am angry that he has this miraculous way of avoiding reality and never seems to have to face consequences of his actions.
Forward, I think you are also angry with yourself, putting so much time and energy trying to get him back. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but I just sense that and its OK. I know its tough to pour so much of yourself into something and it not working out, but you can't change other people.
Hey F:
Now that you have had a "break" - you can be the "spoil parent!"
Do something out of character (ice cream at 11 p.m.) when they come home. Just be the GLAD TO SEE YOU, let's break a few (small) rules! kind of mom.
Kids know when you really miss them, and instead of making it a misery for them (to go) make it a holiday (for a few hours at least) when they come home.
Just my .02
Believe me, I never really lost mine, getting a MLC'r back ain't all what it is cracked up to be.
Whao, that's a long list. Tackle it one by one.
For the names he called you, I'm sure it was extremely hurtful to hear them coming from the one you love. But if he was calling you things that you aren't, you shouldn't let it affect you.
Like I told my S7 when he was crying after being called a sore loser - he would only be crying if he had done something to prove he was indeed a sore loser. But if he was not a sore loser, being CALLED a sore loser shouldn't bother him at all because he should know that he's not. i.e. if someone calls you an armadillo, you KNOW you're not an armadillo, so why would it bother you? But, if someone were to call you something that pinpoints your flaws - your own personal insecurities are going to make you feel defensive and hurt.
Sticks and stones...
Bh, you are right--I am also angry that I allowed myself to be treated in such a way. But I am learning and growing, too.
As far as the name-calling, the thing is that your spouse is able to drill into your insecurities and that is what happened. Part of me believes what X said and that makes it difficult to overcome what he said.
Forward, it's OK, you are learning and growing, just keep working on moving on. As for the name calling, remember this Forward... Anyone who does that, has a deep inferiority that has them try to put someone down to make themselves feel good. He is the one who has the insecurities, not you!! Pay no attention to the babblings of a fool!!!
I know that that's true on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level, it is still painful.
That said, I do need to consider that X generally did not behave that way prior to MLC.
I have begun a new project that I am enjoying. Overall, I do not know if I will have much, if anything, to report on R at this point.
Forward, its irrelevant how your H was prior to this, he is what he is now. Forget him and move on! What project are you working on?
A project for work; hoping it will help me change direction career-wise!
As far as X...BH, look, everybody who is in here had an experience where MLCer was a different person and seemed to go through a crisis. Yes, we think about how our WASs were prior to this. That is why we are here. Note that Michelle also believes MLC is "real," which doesn't mean that the X's will come back, but most of us have some hope that there will eventually be an expression of regret for actions, etc.. I think this helps with closure, if nothing else.
And now back to me. I sort of fell off wagon w/weight-lifting for a time because I had H1N1 and then bronchitis, but I am hoping to get back to it for the new year. I returned to Pilates class and that has taken up some time but is also strengthening me. Although I still need a lot more exercise, I am doing
Forward, I understand about hope and what not, but you also have to be realistic. After a few years and nothing changing, you really have to accept things for what they are. If I have learned one thing here, its this: these people would rather live in lice before they admitted doing wrong.
I do not seek or initiate contact of any kind any more. I do periodically notice a tiny bit of lingering or some curiosity but that is about it.
X does seem to be slightly more interested in our D, observing some things that are affecting her.
I have no sense of what X is doing and have to admit that I am tempted to pursue, but I haven't.
It is so cold and gloomy this time of year, and it's post-holiday and back to work and all--I have to say that I can understand that I am feeling gloomy myself and am able to resist snooping.
I notice that X is less entitled than he used to be, and less angry.
He hasn't been lingering but I am not particularly concerned about it, either.
I count about two months that I have been very dim for X, communicating only with regard to our D.
I did this for myself, to help me heal, and I think it has been helpful. I am rebuilding a social life now and that feels good.
I got some info that made me worry that X will move away from here w/OW. It worries me because of our D. I do not think that X is happy but I am beginning to not care.
D has been not thrilled about going to X's lately. She clings to me a lot.
Actually, I guess it is more about one month that I have been dark. That's not very long.
Hi forward,
Thought I'd come over here and pay you a visit. I was happy to see that you were taking care of yourself by going to the gym and pilates class. For me exercise class was a stress releaser. Actually that's always my best advice for anyone going through this. I could be having a bad day feeling very low and down on myself, but after I had pushed myself to work out I felt as if I had done something nice that would improve my life.
Going dim, good for you. Emotionally I became so much healthier when I pulled back and was unavailable. So think of this more for you. Besides, there's a great big world out there and you never know what life may hold for you. So for me going dim means no more dodging his moods, insults, or his emotional unavailability that hurts our feelings and leaves us with that awful emptyness. This will make you stronger and get you where you need to be. At some point we all have to let them do whatever it is they think will make them happy. Personally I don't think they have a clue but it's best they find out without any interference from us. In the meantime you might just find some happiness with the life you are creating.
*Hugs*
One month is not a long time. But I've learned throughout this journey that time goes so slowly in the beginning, but speeds by after you've been at it for a while.
Sounds like you are doing well with moving forward with your life.
I'm starting to have a different perspective on things. I am not glad that X left, but I have indeed experienced great personal growth--more, I think, than I would have had with him. Frankly, I think that X has experienced personal growth, too.
So do I dare to say that this experience has not been a bad thing?
The person who was too cool to care about money is now commenting on credit ratings! Some maturing has happened there.
As for me, I recognize that I cannot hold all the responsibility in the R while the other person gets the fun part.
Well, it's been a full month of dark and X seems to be looking forward to discussion on Thursday.
I plan to ask him to remove more of his items, which have been here too long in my view, and also comment on some behavioral issues w/D. We also need to move to a new schedule at some point.
I anticipate seeing even less of him now.
I did want to say that the dark has been for me, and it has been good as I do feel twinges of sadness/tension when X is around.
I have a sense of humor back, work is going somewhat better, and I have been making new friends/restoring relationships with old friends.
I've been feeling better physically, plan to teach a class, and have developed some new hobbies and interests. I am starting to want a new relationship. And, as I said, I am not sure that I see the divorce as a bad thing at this point. I have experienced a lot of personal growth. I think X has, too. But I am not sure I can respect him ever again.
So at this point I watch and comment.
I had some contact w/X and was pleased to learn that he has been having more quality time w/D. Overall a lot of the teenage behavior seems to be subsiding.
I noticed that he looked me in the eye and that he seemed less hostile.
There is never a mention of OW.
I was cheerful and in a good mood overall, but not because of him.
I am now looking to date a bit.
Also, I am now down to very little interaction w/X, which is fine by me.
I will see him maybe once a week.
I notice more progress, more interest in D, asking questions that indicate more concern.
I said X had more growing up to do than most on here, but I think he is doing somewhat better now.
forward this is good to hear that you see some improvement with your ex, and it is fantastic that he is wanting to see and spend more time with daughter, as we know and have taught ourselves patience and observation on these mlcers is the only way to go, they will grow and move forward in their own time and not in ours, and I can say that from a matter of my own dealings, take care
Well, just when you think you have seen some progress. I asked X to pick up something for D. He couldn't find the item and called me. I had given clear instructions on where to find it and did not respond to the voicemail immediately. And sure enough, he found it on his own.
I could tell he was furious again. Still my fault.
I think that the dark is the only way they can stop blaming us for all their problems.
I think even in the dark they still blame us
at least mine does..they are irrational and mine I think is borderline mentally ill at this point
peace
Peace, yes, but after a while it is not so convenient or easy, is what I am sensing. I used to jump in and help with such things--no more and never again! However, what I recall is that X has me around to blame for only a small portion of his life now. How many other times does he get lost when I simply have had nothing to do with?
I see more concern for D, and that is a positive, but I also see no sign that OW is on her way out. Still trying to not care.
I tend to walk away from X now. I am trying not to be cold/angry; over time I am detaching more but the anger is not entirely dissipated and is hard to deal with. This is why I do think that minimal contact with X is best for me. That and improving my life overall! I have nearly finished a project that means a lot to me, and I believe that this will be a good thing.
And while it isn't as if X has acted interested, I do find myself wondering what I want right now. I signed up for a dating site, got some interest and backed off.
The time I've spent growing and healing has been beneficial.
forward,
Maybe you need a bit of time just to enjoy life solo. If you aren't sure what you want, step back and wait. Life has a way of revealign what it has in store for you.
Snodderly, I have been doing that for nearly three years now and sitting at home alone was very pleasant at first, and still is to a degree, as I have enjoyed reading, movies, and the like, but it is starting to get old.
So I guess I am asking myself what I am looking for at this time.
X's looks at me in the last C session did reveal some interest but then I started to think the following:
The only way I would even CONSIDER letting him back into my life is if he has made a demonstrated effort to get control of his and shows that he is interested in ME, not the trappings of our old lifestyle.
Otherwise I am just his plan B and I know I deserve better than to be plan B.
I think he is looking at me as plan B at the moment, as he didn't look happy. I think if he did demonstrate interest, it would be because the blush is off the rose and gosh life w/Forward was a lot EASIER.
I would not accept that. I want to be cared about for who I am.
And the other thing is, X is not on the same ground as a completely new person would be. X has demonstrated lack of interest/lack of capacity to handle change. So X would have a lot more to do to impress me.
I think this reflects some good things in terms of my personal growth, actually.....
Forward, how do you know that he revealed "some interest"? Remember, one of the classic moves of these people is to throw little things out there to keep you interested as a plan B. Like you said, you did everything for 3 years and he had his thumb up his butt, move on!!
You've done a lot of soul searching and your personal growth has grown. The question is...what do you need to be fulfilled? What is it that you want to accomplish in your life? How can you get from where you are to where you want to be?
Sometimes, if you sit quietly, the answers will come and other times, the answer will be right there in front of you. The maze of life has many stopovers along the way and we have detours as well. Those stopovers and detours may be the actually openings to assist you in what you are searching for. Please don't be too quick in dismissing the openings.
As for your xh, he's still got a lot of growing to do and yes, you've recognized that he would be at the starting point and would have to actually do the work to earn your trust, etc. back.
I believe you will find your answers very soon because you are a determined, intelligent lady.
BH, Yes, I think I was thrown a few crumbs, and while I recognize the crumbs for what they are (crumbs), that doesn't mean that I don't have a little emotional pull there.
While you advise, I find myself wondering what your sitch was and why YOU are on here. Have you moved on?
I mean, it's one thing to tell someone such things but even if you know it's the right advice, sometimes you don't feel it yet. That's just part of the deal. You have to feel something, not just think it, not just be told it.
Snodderly, I've sat quietly for a long time. I know that a career change needs to be part of the picture for me. It's a tough time to consider; things are so uncertain for my industry right now; it is just crazy and stressful.
I am not sure what else I am looking for; I feel that a little dating might be interesting for me at this time. I guess I don't want to be in a situation where I woul d hurt someone else, but I think I have been pretty straightforward at this point.
I thrive on determination and intelligence, grin, but the emotional aspects of this whole experience cannot be solved with determination and intelligence. That takes time and some self-awareness.
Forward, that is a fair enough question. My stitch is a lot like other folks on here, my XW left me with 2 little kids, same old song and dance, new life, blah, blah. I was like everyone else, scared, confused, mad. I filed for the D and moved on when I realized that I was wasting my life on someone who no longer cared for me. I have since moved on in a big way, I am engaged to a wonderful woman who I have been seeing for awhile. My purpose for being on this board is to try to help others move on and not waste their lives on people who are just stringing them along. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people who stand, but there comes a time when you have to look at moving on. When you have stood and did everything you can, what else is left? I merely told you earlier and have told you in the past that you did all you could and then some, but your XH hasn't budged. He might be unhappy, his relationship with the OW might not last, but these people will not do the work to rebuild. I haven't seen a single person on this board leave the OP and come home. I have seen touch and goes, but nothing stable. I am sure there are a couple who have, but its so very rare. Anyway, its your life to lead as you wish, I am just trying to save you further misery.
Forward I dont know if you are a Christian but Faith and Prayer is needed in everything we do. I think IRMAC said it best when she said if it doesnt work, most the time its because someone gave up praying. I quit praying for my marriage and maybe I should not have. BUT I have come to learn prayer and Faith are VERY important. God loves us sooooo much that he gave his ONLY son. I dont know about you, but I cant even imagine that.
You have been waiting a long time, its up to you what you do. BUT I can tell you this, if you put God first in your life, he will work everything else out for you.
Hugs,
Renee
The only way I would even CONSIDER letting him back into my life is if he has made a demonstrated effort to get control of his and shows that he is interested in ME, not the trappings of our old lifestyle.
Otherwise I am just his plan B and I know I deserve better than to be plan B.
I feel this way too. We deserve so much more than crumbs and maybe they need to see that we are interested not in their crumbs for them to gain respect for us again.
SSL, I do not pray to save my marriage; I pray for understanding of what is best.
BH, Out of curiosity, did your X ever try to come back and is she still w/OP?
I noticed that in many cases, the X makes a tentative move in that direction and then takes off again. I also note that the WAS USUALLY has some words of regret and remorse at some point. It seems to be some YEARS after bomb drop, often when WAS is alone again. That doesn't often translate into any kind of effort to rebuild, as it is usually too late, but it's interesting nonetheless.
While I think there is a place for your point of view, being able to say that you did your best for a M means a lot, and for some people that means standing for a long time. So what is the point of trying to tell people who aren't ready to hear it to move on? People must come to this emotional conclusion themselves and for most on this board, I think they want to be able to say, with peace, that they tried everything.
After all, as I keep pointing out to you, you can know something is true but not feel it emotionally yet. I am not waiting on X, but on myself, as I finish trying to close that door. I would like to be more social but I am not up for a long-term relationship yet. This has had me thinking that maybe I need to be social without dating.
Upside, I think you may be right. It is hard to get to that point but I believe most of us do.
Forward, no, XW never did try to come back and I don't have any idea if she is seeing anyone or what she is doing. I have zero contact with her and do not to ever communicate with her on anything. I have moved on and have someone else in my life. I closed that chapter in my life. I only offer advice, people do not have to take it, and I realize that sometimes people get mad at me over what I say. Everyone must do what they think is best, but I think if folks would be honest with themselves, they would see that things are the way they are and won't change..... I do realize many won't and I think its truly sad, I mean you have people who sit and wait for years and are on so many kinds of medication for depression and what not. No way would I let anyone put me in that type of shape, but that's just me. many seek answers, but most likely will never get them and if they do, it won't make sense to them.
BH, My point is that while your advice may be valid, timing is everything. People here are still working on DBing and again, being able to say that you did your best is important.
Also, most people are not just waiting, but trying to work on themselves, too.
As far as things not changing, change is the only constant. It might not be the change we want or expect, but it is constant.
Also, BH, I suspect that you WILL someday hear from your XW.
Of course, I'm not saying to wait under such circumstances. I'm just thinking that personal relationships just work that way....cutting contact entirely doesn't resolve feelings as they tend to bubble up later.
And now, back to me. Still wishing that I would hear that X and OW are having problems, breaking up, whatever. It is hard to accept that maybe I will never hear that but I suppose I need to recognize that maybe she is his true love (eew).
If anything they seem to present as a big happy family w/D. It's pretty disgusting.
Forward, I disagree. One of the big problems with people on here is they DON'T work on themselves. They wait on the XH or XW and do nothing really different. You speak of change, I agree, things do change, but I was talking in terms of the former marriage. Anyway, I hope you can get yourself on track, I know its tough, but to keep looking back makes it harder. As far as "hearing from XW" LOL Well, that probably wouldn't be a good idea on her part to try to contact me, that's all I am going to say.
Forward, I disagree. One of the big problems with people on here is they DON'T work on themselves. They wait on the XH or XW and do nothing really different.
I agree. However I would say some not most.
As far as "hearing from XW" LOL Well, that probably wouldn't be a good idea on her part to try to contact me, that's all I am going to say.
So is it safe to say her trying to contact you would be a negative thing? You would have control over it being positive or negative for YOU no matter how she would act. Right?
Is this something that has changed with you or has it not been a good idea for quite a while?
I know I know... you're going to tell me you're not angry or bitter or anything else like that.
But it's still not a good idea for her to contact you..... Sooo why?
Any negativity you carry with you will affect you. You pay the price for that.
Sorry, I couldn't help it. LOL It's been a while since I've given you a hard time.
Trapt, that's a fair enough question. The reason why I do not wish to speak to her is, she walked off and left me to raise 2 little kids on my own. I'm sorry, but someone who would do that will do anything. Therefore I wouldn't believe a word she said, so why talk? I have nothing further to say to her, I have long since moved on and whatever bed she has made, she must lay in it.
I get that.
I can't imagine my wife leaving my children too.She didn't want much to do with them for a while but that for me never happened. We have 50/50 custody.
I'll be the first to admit that for quite a while I had sort of an edge or a chip on my shoulder when I dealt with my ex. I just still see a lot of that in other people. (and I'm not saying I do in you) it just seems to be pretty common.
I don't know what happened in me but I guess I finally just let it all go. I saw that life was still great and I'm alright with not being together. I try my best to treat her nicely. I feel a lot better about it too. I don't really expect anything from it, it's just better this way I guess.
The past three weeks have been interesting. She has been calling pretty much daily. I don't take all of the calls but some. Kind of funny. I still have to keep some boundaries and yes there is still things that leave me shaking my head but she has improved a ton. Slowly, but she's getting better in ways.
Anyway, I was just curious...I don't really know that much about what happened to you. I just know for me it was a struggle for a while but once I reach a place where it didn't matter any more it was like a huge weight was lifted.
Sorry for hijacking here Forward.
Trapt, its just like Popeye says " I've took all I can stand, and I can't stands no more" Enough said!
Just had a row w/X. There was a mess-up so somehow my bill and his got entangled. I paid my part of the bill.
X somehow wound up paying both bills so the company got overpaid. However, since I got the receipt and item, I do not have a problem. Evidently, X has to spend his time straightening it out and is blaming me for loss of his precious time.
It has made me realize that I still get very upset by him.
However, I almost typed "he can still upset me." And I realized that I need to continue to work on myself so I am not upset too easily. I think that the limited contact w/X has been a good thing for me, maybe for both of us....
I am noticing that X is starting to show flickers of maturity. It does not seem to be translating into interest in me, although I have cut contact with him, so it is not as if I have had the opportunity to interact with him much, at all.
Because my contact with him is cut to as minimal as possible, I can't really explain what it is that I see, but there is some progress. He seems more interested in D, more involved, more considerate of her feelings and well-being. He seems upset that I do not want to have contact with him.
And...he sounds more like "old" H. I can't really explain, as I said. It is a tone. Something in his voice and his eyes has started to change. I noticed that there is still adolescent entitlement in some of his ways, but it's less pronounced. I say this having just run into a stompity-stomp adolescent mini-tantrum earlier this week, but it was shorter and less furious than it used to be.
This doesn't change my course. The problem is that XH is more attractive now because the adolescent side of him is less pronounced. So, staying as dark as possible still seems like the best thing to do, so that I can focus on my own life.
Forward, once again we live in parallel universes.
I too have noticed a change in X. She is calmer and more of her old self. It also seems her anger toward me is totally gone. There have been several minor miscommunications lately and she took them in stride. Even the children told me she is nicer and doesn't "yell" at them as much.
Here's the "coup de gras": Just this past week X mentioned to me she is "emotionally healthy now." (huh!?!?) I too need to be careful as I feel that old familiar twinge from time to time.
I gotta get a popcorn refill cause it looks like the show isn't over.
I am in the same place. Ex has twinges of the old self, they don't last more than 10 seconds and the last time I saw one was in Nov. It makes it even harder to let go because you wonder, "Are they getting to be normal?" It brings back memories. I also wonder how they treat OW at this stage.
We are all in similar time frames in this ride
I have not seen or spoken to x since novenmber so I do not know if he is progressing
but it does seem like the MLCer will come into reality at times I noticed that before with my x
so you dont really know if its a momnet of sanity or real progression--
somehow ive gotten so skeptical of the MLCer prgression , so forgive me
I can also see how the x would becoem more attractive in this mature ( real or imagined) state'so be careful
chances are the refill of popcorn is a good idea
and
take care of yourself
peace
Yes, I noticed that, too, Peace--similar timeframes.
I agree that the refill popcorn is a good idea. Even if MLC is something that is fairly predictable with a "timeframe," it doesn't mean that they will come back on bended knee.
I do think that perhaps my lack of contact w/X is bugging him.
For me, it is a change in dynamic as I am no longer the one who is hanging on and begging for a crumb of attention. I haven't been at "dark" for a very long time--just a few months. I try not to be an angry dark--just neutral.
D is leaving babyhood almost entirely now and I sometimes wonder what X thinks when he sees that.
Sleeper, I think you mention what I observe as well. X is less furious w/me when I breathe.
What I find amazing is that there is this sort of "Gee, why don't you want to be my friend?" sort of attitude that popped out. "You don't seem to even want to talk with me!" Uh, no, I really don't. I'm not rude, I'm not angry, but I'm not open and interested and hopeful either.
I notice that X comes in the house when he really doesn't need to.
As with you, I notice that X has not done anything to shed OP, so I guess this shift is just something that I will quietly note.
Maybe your X is emotionally HEALTHIER but that doesn't make her HEALTHY.
Popcorn refill!
Oh...one last thing...part of me would like to have more contact to get a better sense of whether he has progressed. but I need to be in a place where I do not care so much.
And I have changed, too.
Same here forward, I would like to see where ex is in this mess, but it is not worth the possible set-back on my part.
I no longer will pursue in any way. I have accepted that I may never have any closure on this. I am not asking for bended knee just a little tidbit of remorse.
Trusting, You got some sense of your X not being happy and I would think that would help somewhat.
I have seldom gotten that sort of information from X. Only accidently, when I overheard him ordering her around.
I have been doing another 180 (not that I am really at that stage any more)--asking for him to reciprocate favors. This is a real dynamic to undo because I always put him first. Ultimately, that just meant a whole boat of disrespect.
I think I would add this, Trusting. The urge to get some remorse and regret is that we want to believe we weren't crazy and we were in love.
Maybe we need to let go of that need for validation, too. I know it isn't easy but we might never get it.
With that said, it seems that they generally do have some words at some point. My friend heard from her X of about 8 years ago--long apology as he knows he wronged her.
She didn't answer.
Forward, I do think you should worry about yourself rather than think of the "what ifs" with your XH. I'm not trying to be negative in saying that, I just feel at this time you need to live for you. The last 3 years or so you have tried everything to get him back and make it work, he wouldn't have anything to do with it. You might very well get the remorse or apology someday, but I sure wouldn't count the days, nor would I worry about his progression. Life is too short to worry about such as that. Go have fun! If wants to give you apologies, remorse, or whatever, then he will regardless of what you do.
Yep. That fog is REALLY thick. I will go out on a limb and say I have one of the ugliest craziest exes on here..
and he still asks why I won't be "nice" to him, and the ever popular "why do you hate me so much?" He asks to be my FB friend every week.
Too funny it's like they don't remember the hell they have put us through...
SoCo,
They do not remember all that they have put us through. Even though they have walked and created such a mess, deep down, they still want to be our friends. Their interpretation of friends is entirely different from what our interpretation of friends is.
Continue doing what you've been doing and do try to stay off his train of drama. He needs to "sense" that you are not playing the drama game w/him any longer. Once he realizes you aren't being sucked into his drama, he will try every which way to get you sucked back in. Just prepare yourself for that little attention getter down the road.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. You owe it to yourself to pamper and be kind to yourself.
Totally agreed Snodderly. I don't even think they remember from one minute to the next. Yeah, I am trying soooo hard to stay off the drama express... Just makes it kinda hard when they are taking your kids along for the ride...
Sorry for the mini-jack Forward!
No mini-jack; I am interested. Snodderly, What do you think their interpretation of friend is?
I've been considering my role in this and recognized the elements of codependency there. So at this point, that is something to watch out for, for me.
And as far as the rest: I've been sick for a few days (nothing major) and dragging. Winter is bleah.
Had another issue that I need to straighten out w/X. I still notice that he wants to come into the house, even when there is no reason to do so.
Otherwise, just trying to get through this so I can get back into my exercise routine. I have been going to a class regularly, but it is not enough to go 1-2x/week.
feeling better. Looking forward to a weekend w/family. V-day will not be so difficult....frankly each year it has gotten easier.
So V-day came and went and I kind of forgot about it.
Dark is healing me.
This year I didn't help kids shop for X for "V-Day" as they were with her that week and neither did OMH. So, X got NOTHING from our kids for V-Day.
The really cool part is it didn't even cross my mind until kids mentioned it to me after the fact.
Forward, from what I can tell from reading, you're actually doing quite well. Still having a few bad days, but those are not as much as they were; and you're reaching a point in your life that no matter what happens you'll be fine.
That's not an easy place to get to for anyone.
Time does heal all things; and you'll continue to gain a different and much better perspective as time goes on.
No one asks for their life to be torn apart, but it's not what happens, it's how you deal with it that matters the most.
And strength usually comes from a place you never knew you had until you desperately need it.
Take care.
I have gone for a long time without any contact except for essential contact. And I think it does help--but again, helps YOU and that it is hopeful to focus on that.
HB, X has been dirty and unshaven for YEARS now, so no sense of rock bottom there.
I have been reading a book about getting past your breakup. Although things do change when you are officially divorced, I do think that the GAL advice is the best advice you can possibly offer to someone in such a situation. Learning to take care of myself has been good for me, and I realize that I still have a long way to go!
Got another one of those long looks from X. At this point I don't pay it much heed. I continue to converse only as it pertains to our D and basically am just enjoying life and trying to learn from this experience and come out of it as a better person.
Well, not much to update when you have minimal contact. I am doing well. The gray weather is making things dull.
I do have much to think on these days.
I was thinking that X and I have not had a meaningful conversation in 3 years, and we haven't had a conversation on anything unessential in 3 months now.
I think that when I consider the sulking, angry presence that dominated our lives for so long, being alone is actually better.
I have gotten used to being alone. Had lunch w/Crushee--feelings are less intense. Maybe that is good. However, I think he is more interested now. Why are things like that??
I spent more time being sick and I am seriously looking forward to spring.
X continues to seem angry, so I continue to be dark.
its the dance --with crushee
peace
Forward,
Going dark does help. The more time away from ex the clearer I see the situation and those emotions don't cloud my judgement. My ex is planning another vacation with OW and my kids. He just came back from a cruise with her. It is endless. If he has credit, he travels.
We just have to accept the fate we have and do the best with it. I know that eventually sin has to catch up to the sinner. I will just watch from a distance as I grow stronger and more independent each day.
Take care
Trusting, It sounds to me as if it is an attempt to keep up some fantasy. Probably real life is not so fun, so maybe a vacation will solve it.
I don't have much new to talk about. I am busy. Feel less stressed about work, although I suppose I should be more stressed these days, sigh.
X looked very sad today. I felt sorry for him.
However, I have simply let him be.
Forward, don't feel sorry for someone who got what he wanted.
BH, Not wasting my energy on that.
X sent me a note talking about D and how cute she is, blah blah.
I am choosing not to respond as there is nothing to respond to.
Well, X wants to go with us to a school thing. This caught me off-guard. I guess it is good that he shows more interest in D, but I find myself skeptical and wary of him.
Forward, why does he want to go? Has he ever done this in the past?
I don't know. I asked him if he wanted to because I felt it is an obligation on my part.
He has gone maybe once or twice, and he never spends more than ten seconds extra with D unless he is obligated to do so. So this is a unusual. I distrust him.
I figure maybe he is trying to establish a better track record as a parent for custody? We are D'd now so that is kind of a nonissue, but that is about all I can think of.
Oh, I meant to add that I've now been dark about 3 months.
Again, not looking a reaction from X...I am more in a situation where I am thinking things over and healing. I realize I have grown a great deal in this time.
Dark has been good for me.
X not only showed up, but paid an outstanding bill for school thing. In general, this surprised me.
As I mentioned, I distrust him and feel it could be an angling for revised custody situation, which I am wary of, but D was happy that he was there and I am trying not to be distrustful.
And I caught him looking at me again in that way.
I was, however, neutral and preoccupied w/D.
Another reason to be skeptical is that the last thing he mentioned is an outstanding issue from our divorce, and I think he might be looking to buy house w/OW.
Forward, you can bet he has something up his sleeve. Keep one eye open!
I don't know BH--he is so off in lala land that it could be anything or nothing. I keep my guard up, but for the most part, actions on his part have meant nothing and sometimes I think I am too paranoid.
Things that involve effort on his part seldom get done. After all, it took over two years for him to get around to following through with the divorce, and when he finally did, he didn't follow through with anything that involved any sort of additional work on his part.
That said, I suspect he doesn't much like the apt any more and maybe he will buy a house. Good luck with that as X really can't afford much on his own.
I would have to say that being neutral and dark seems to have elicited more response. I have firmer boundaries and am less willing to tolerate behavior that I used to put up with.
That said, I'm not trying to elicit response at this point as I have pretty much begun to see X as, well, an X.
Forward,
We are oh so much on the same page. It feels kind of good does'nt it. I am too looking more at ex as my ex.
I would be very leary of his good intentions. They are extremely manipulative at this point.
I don't trust my ex one bit. He lies, cheats and steals. It took a long time for me to see him for what he is now.
You are doing so well......
While X did go off the deep end in many ways, his lying has been fairly tame through this whole deal (although I do suspect lies) and his anger seems to be dissipating.
Nonetheless, i do keep my eyes open. It is not as though he is suddenly all sweetness; that would definitely make me suspicious. it is more neutral and maybe even very slightly regretful.
I'm not convenient to blame any more as our contact is minimal and neutral, so hopefully he's foudn someone else to blame for all his problems now.
X has made it clear that he is not willing to have D for one moment beyond what the agreement is.
To a certain extent I guess this is fair but it is still exasperating to me.
Had on a 7th grade T-shirt today.
Has slight--very slight--understanding of my situation.
I suspect he might be planning to marry OW this summer. This makes me realize that I have to make an effort to move my life further forward as well.
Forward, I think you need to focus more on YOU instead of XW. He is going to do what he wants to do, that's not going to change.
I still have a financial entanglement w/X and am not going to resolve it the way I was going to originally because of the work situation, which is very unstable and has me very nervous.
He was mad at me; not sure that I care.
Oo, I really don't think I will be keeping my job, groan. Looks as if I will know more tomorrow.
Well, everything else in my life has changed, so I guess this was next.
Forward, you are doing brilliant, I see similatities in our sitchs, but I also see how we have both grown, we will come out on tops hun we will, keep strong and keep your guards up. x
I realized that I spent most of the weekend not thinking about X. He still appears grumpy and blaming even with the minimal interaction that we do have, and I am glad that I do not see him very much these days. He needs to be on his own dealing with the mess he created himself. And I need to heal.
I miss him, at times, but have begun to rebuild my life now. I wonder how much longer he will blame me for all his problems? Clearly I still seem to annoy him when I breathe.
That breathing can be quite annoying!
The last time I spoke to my ex (4 months ago) he was still blaming me also. I am responsible for him being broke and for him having to borrow money from his father. Being dark is a blessing.
They are searching for someone to verify/acknowledge the reasons their life is so bad. If you are not there to do it, they have to eventually look within or forever stay in crisis.
Stay strong sister, we will get through this.....
Well, we have set a boundary and they are aware of that, so we cannot expect them to break it.
It is a matter of healing.
Ohh...so let's talk about passive contact. As in googling the ex...I did this and found OW pics. Yes, I know I am not supposed to look but I did.
Have to say that based on the pics, things are not looking like paradise in la la land, but at this point I keep trying to tell myself that it doesn't much matter; this is ex's life and what he wanted and he has shown me that I am not welcome.
OK. Momentary break in my routine here; I am under stress at the moment and hence the need to look. I'll be back to my regular self as time goes by....