Alone, Lost, Unloved & Deserve Better

I have been married 29 years to my husband who I am deeply inlove with.
our marriage has been hard at times as we were married when I was 16 and didn't get a user manual to learn from so we made mistakes along the way.
He had multiple affairs up until the last ten years.
He has put me on a pedistal and
This past year I told him that I also had an affair back in 1989 that lasted 2-1/2 years.
I wasn't inlove with this man - I just wanted the attention and soaked it up I guess.
He took this news very hard - still can't believe I would have ever done this. I have no contact with this man anymore and have completely changed myself for my husband to see how bad I felt and how sorry I was and I showered him with attention. But he grew distant from me in the 8 months since I told him, even though at one point I felt we were going to be OK and he was working through it telling me he was inlove with me and he was happy with me.
a month ago he lost another family member and went to the funeral without me (he has lost 4 family members before this in the last 8 months including a parent , brother and sister)
anyways he didn't come back home and its been a month, he called me after 2 weeks there and said he is in a relationship with someone else and he wanted a divorce.
I told him I didnt want one and if he did he would have to file which he has not done yet and I am hoping he won't with the thought that maybe he will change his mind at some point.
He is with someone who is not his type at all. I was a very loving, kind person who went out of my way to make him feel like a king. I love him more this past year than I ever have in my life and the fact he feels different is killing me.
I have never lived alone and we have always done for eachother.
any advise would be appreciated. I am so unhappy that sometimes I feel I can't go on one more day, I am hurt and really am a good person. I cant understand how he can do things our whole marriage and I forgive him and give him chance after chance but when he finds out I did something bad also he throws me away like a piece of garbage and makes me feel like the last 29 years meant nothing to him.

Welcome Living Alone:

Glad you found this site. There are no promises. Only people here to help you cope. Help support you. You will read by my thread, after 15 years of marriage, my wife came home one day and said she is done. Four months later she is still done. We are living like roommates. Have 3 sons. Everyday sucks. But somehow you find the strength to carry onto the next day. I have good days and bad. Last two days have been good. The weekend was horrible. The first few months of this are pure torture.

Somehow you find a way to start to carry on day after day. It will get a bit easier as time goes on. This is something they have to figure out for themselves. I have made every mistake you can make in dealing with my situation. I still do. But the people on this site are always supportive. You will find many that coach you, there situations didn't work out. You might be saying what they did didn't work. I question them all the time.

But when the day is done, that isn't the end result you are going for. It is getting your soul through this pain. The pain that is there 24/7. The pain that makes you cry at the oddest times, the pain that wont let you eat, the pain that won't let you sleep.

Hang in there. You never know. Listen, Read, Read and Learn....

Trust me, this is coming from someone who hopes nothing more than for his wife to love him again..We all have hope here.

Thank you so much for your reply.

This is pure torture and the pain I feel is worse than anything I have ever felt.
I just want to be happy and have someone who loves me for who I am unconditionally - I hope its him -

You are still living together? What is happening with yours, anything positive at all?

Yep, the worse pain you will probably every feel in your life.

Hang in there...lots of support here!

I am curious as to why you decided to tell your H that you had an affair almost 20 years ago? Were you at a point where you were not getting what you needed from him again?

This is a difficult place to be but you will find a ton of support if you keep posting.

I think we all want the same thing. Unconditional Love. I don't think I have had it with my W for a long time.

We are still living under the same roof with our 3 sons. I sleep on the couch. She has divorced my family, my friends. She can't face them because our separation was all her doing. She knows it, they know it. One of the mistakes I did make was telling my family and friends what happened. I know you aren't supposed to because it makes reconcilation that much harder, however, that is something I needed and still need. They have been a great support group for me through this.

Next steps are to keep doing the changes, we are going to Retrouville(catholic marriage encounter) in October.

Really it will come down to if she still wants out, there will come a point where I will just let go and probably file. Not sure she will ever file if it comes to that. I just can't live a platonic, loveless marriage just to stay together for the kids. They need to see a loving family. Right now, they only see mommy and daddy doing separate things(which is her choice). I invite her to everything for which she declines.

With your situation, it sounds like things will just have to run there course. You need to show him you are getting on with your life. No matter how hard it hurts. I have always worked out--that is something to do. I voulenteer now at the American Cancer Society. I got on facebook and reconnected with a bunch of old friends...I take a boxing class now. I do more now than ever with my sons. Just try things you have always thought about..Whatever it takes to get your mind off it for at least an hour....

Be strong. Take Care. Every day it will get a bit better.

Hello Living!

And good morning.

This is a great place for support and meeting new friends...or at the very least understanding people.

Look for Brand New Day. Her kids were younger...but her H also moved to another state, and your looking for those rare success stories, right? Well success by your current definition, meaning stories where people stayed married. That definition should change in time to realize the REAL success stories are the people who use this time to become better people and learn how to handle relationships better.

I have two questions for you.
: )

If you had a 1 in a million chance of working this out with your husband, would you take it?
Why?

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Hello Living!

And good morning.

This is a great place for support and meeting new friends...or at the very least understanding people.

Look for Brand New Day. Her kids were younger...but her H also moved to another state, and your looking for those rare success stories, right? Well success by your current definition, meaning stories where people stayed married. That definition should change in time to realize the REAL success stories are the people who use this time to become better people and learn how to handle relationships better.

I have two questions for you.
: )

If you had a 1 in a million chance of working this out with your husband, would you take it?
Why?

Yes I would and why? because I am deeply inlove with him and feel like we have so much more good than bad in our years together.
Thanks for your message.

Originally Posted By: d1adsl5a

I think we all want the same thing. Unconditional Love. I don't think I have had it with my W for a long time.

We are still living under the same roof with our 3 sons. I sleep on the couch. She has divorced my family, my friends. She can't face them because our separation was all her doing. She knows it, they know it. One of the mistakes I did make was telling my family and friends what happened. I know you aren't supposed to because it makes reconcilation that much harder, however, that is something I needed and still need. They have been a great support group for me through this.

Next steps are to keep doing the changes, we are going to Retrouville(catholic marriage encounter) in October.

Really it will come down to if she still wants out, there will come a point where I will just let go and probably file. Not sure she will ever file if it comes to that. I just can't live a platonic, loveless marriage just to stay together for the kids. They need to see a loving family. Right now, they only see mommy and daddy doing separate things(which is her choice). I invite her to everything for which she declines.

With your situation, it sounds like things will just have to run there course. You need to show him you are getting on with your life. No matter how hard it hurts. I have always worked out--that is something to do. I voulenteer now at the American Cancer Society. I got on facebook and reconnected with a bunch of old friends...I take a boxing class now. I do more now than ever with my sons. Just try things you have always thought about..Whatever it takes to get your mind off it for at least an hour....

Be strong. Take Care. Every day it will get a bit better.

You know out of all this and even it being so raw still I do realize its my time to become my own person, to grow and work on myself and be the best I can be so when a relationship is right for me wether it is with my husband or with another person that I do not bring in old crap from the past to screw it up the next time. It's so hard and I am so scared.

Well this is the part I left out, we had some issues last summer that spilled into the winter months and when my husband went hunting I called this man after 20 years and met him, although we shared only a kiss i do know it was wrong but my husband had a gut feeling when he came home and kept on me until I desided to confess, so I confessed everything I have ever done wrong in my life - looking back I wish I would have taken it all to my grave - this sucks and yes I think I am that stupid to think after all the times I forgave him that he could forgive me too. I didn't know he needed the upper hand to walk away like he did.

Originally Posted By: cat04

I am curious as to why you decided to tell your H that you had an affair almost 20 years ago? Were you at a point where you were not getting what you needed from him again?

This is a difficult place to be but you will find a ton of support if you keep posting.

Well there also comes a point where you look in the mirror. There was a reason you made the call. There was a reason you kissed him. But there was also a reason you pulled back. There were clearly some things missing in your marriage otherwise the need would not have been there.

Everybody deals with issues differently. Not going to condem what you did. I think when the day is done, you did the right thing. Living a lie isn't going to make your life better either. Sounds like your husband was looking for an out as well. There were things wrong in your marriage, you were just afraid to look under the hood of the car to see what was really wrong.

We all deserve happiness in our lives. Doesn't sound like you two were really happy. The one thing I realized in my marriage is that we never developed an intimate enough of a relationship to really share our true feelings. Otherwise, we wouldn't be in this position today. My wife obviously wasn't happy. I guess I was kidding myself to think she was. My wife is out again tonight. Probably another 3am night for her as I take care of my sons doing homework, taking them to football practice, making dinner, doing dishes, putting them to bed. I do know if we get back together, I want it to be right so that we both can be happy. I am willing to try, she is not. I don't know if she ever will. I won't wait forever, so I have to get myself ready if I have to go it alone. This place also helps you do that. Make sure you get a good therapist. It helps.

I'm scared too. We all are of being alone. I haven't been alone in 19 years. As I said, the first few months will probably be the worst in your life.

Have a good night.

I have been looking and reading in all forums here and I can't help but worry now - some of you have been standing for 2 plus years???
How on earth will I have the strength to hold on that long?? Please advise.

IT isnt easy
I did stand for about 2 years
THis time is a good time to heal
to reflect on ourselves
to do some therapy-to focus on the R with the kids
to set boundries with the mlcer
and/- or to let the M go, and start a friendship with the mlcer if that is available to you
this becomes a time of safety, inner healing, grieving and eventually a new person in us is evolved from the work, the pain the grief
this new rebirth is the gift
we can use this time to change ourselves...maybe the mlcer will notice and want to return maybe not.. no guarantees
some people have sucess in this area
I have not
my xh just M the OW
I have moved on, but im still praying and hoping and believing My xh will step up to the plate as a father to our kids
and one day realize the damage he created-
although I have gotten many great gifts from this journey
truthfully said, I would not change a thing
the only thing I may regret( not sure yet) is that my xh never gave us another chance
I believe with the changes we would have made it better
peace

I am not sure that I understand fully why I called the guy after so many years other than I was lonely and feeling unimportant but that being said I should have been able to tell my husband what I needed.
Whats done is done - he has no forgiveness - he can make mistakes in his life but I can't - he has the upper hand now.

You know I thought we were happy with the exception of some issues but its funny when you back away from the situation that you see far more there than you did before - the worst is that he doesn't see anything but it was my fault and I created this myself.

I am sorry you are going through this also and living together as strangers has got to be even more hard. I can't imagine. We all deserve better than this, I hope that if my marriage isn't healed that I can some day find someone who will love me unconditionally and not shut me out, be able to open up to me and I want to be happy. I know I have alot of great qualities in me, , its my husbands loss, he will never find another person to love him as deeply as I do and he will never find another that will treat him so good and I feel sorry for him because it is my gut feeling that years from now he will kick himself for letting me go and it will be to late for us. I am already writing the ending to our story it sounds like, I just know I have been to good to him to deserve this.
I wish there was a group to go to in this area to help me through this, I have no close friends I felt alone until I found this website and am so glad there is people who care here.
Thanks for all your responses, keep them coming it helps me get through each day.

Originally Posted By: d1adsl5a

Well there also comes a point where you look in the mirror. There was a reason you made the call. There was a reason you kissed him. But there was also a reason you pulled back. There were clearly some things missing in your marriage otherwise the need would not have been there.

Everybody deals with issues differently. Not going to condem what you did. I think when the day is done, you did the right thing. Living a lie isn't going to make your life better either. Sounds like your husband was looking for an out as well. There were things wrong in your marriage, you were just afraid to look under the hood of the car to see what was really wrong.

We all deserve happiness in our lives. Doesn't sound like you two were really happy. The one thing I realized in my marriage is that we never developed an intimate enough of a relationship to really share our true feelings. Otherwise, we wouldn't be in this position today. My wife obviously wasn't happy. I guess I was kidding myself to think she was. My wife is out again tonight. Probably another 3am night for her as I take care of my sons doing homework, taking them to football practice, making dinner, doing dishes, putting them to bed. I do know if we get back together, I want it to be right so that we both can be happy. I am willing to try, she is not. I don't know if she ever will. I won't wait forever, so I have to get myself ready if I have to go it alone. This place also helps you do that. Make sure you get a good therapist. It helps.

I'm scared too. We all are of being alone. I haven't been alone in 19 years. As I said, the first few months will probably be the worst in your life.

Have a good night.

Livingalone,

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I wanted to read up on your situation.

We are very similar in the fact that I don't have close friends here either. I moved to this area to be with H - it is his hometown with his family and his friends. That's why these boards were so important to me - the people here really provided the support that I so desperately needed during the first year of this crisis.

If your H is in MLC, you will have a long road ahead of you. At the beginning, I tried to talk myself into the fact that my H would hurry through the timeline and be done within a year. Not only isn't he in a hurry, but he seems to be in the remedial group and going through the stages at a snail's pace.

You make it through by deciding that you don't want to be on the rollercoaster ride with him. And you get off. And you stop making your days about him (what is he doing, thinking, why is this happening, what is wrong with him, etc., etc.) and start taking a good long look at yourself and figuring out what you need to do to make you happy. And you stop with the would've, should've, could've game, or the "it's not fair" game. If this is MLC, it doesn't matter what you could have done - he is going through this no matter what.

This doesn't mean that you give up hope. But you get realistic about the situation and what you can control and what you can't. You can't control him, you can control you.

And you get through it, minute by minute. It is the worst pain that I have ever experienced. But it gets better with time. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, but I am no longer paralyzed for days at a time. I have come such a long way in two years and you will too.

Others here gave you some ideas on what they are doing to keep busy. Force yourself to do things for you. It may seem like faking at the beginning, but that will change.

And take care of yourself. Come to the boards when you need to vent, cry or whatever. You will get responses from people who have been in your situation and truly understand.

Hugs!

w8ing

Thank you for responding to my thread. I am glad to know I am not alone but terrified that I may be going through this for a very long time.
HUGS♥

Originally Posted By: w8ing

Livingalone,

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I wanted to read up on your situation.

We are very similar in the fact that I don't have close friends here either. I moved to this area to be with H - it is his hometown with his family and his friends. That's why these boards were so important to me - the people here really provided the support that I so desperately needed during the first year of this crisis.

If your H is in MLC, you will have a long road ahead of you. At the beginning, I tried to talk myself into the fact that my H would hurry through the timeline and be done within a year. Not only isn't he in a hurry, but he seems to be in the remedial group and going through the stages at a snail's pace.

You make it through by deciding that you don't want to be on the rollercoaster ride with him. And you get off. And you stop making your days about him (what is he doing, thinking, why is this happening, what is wrong with him, etc., etc.) and start taking a good long look at yourself and figuring out what you need to do to make you happy. And you stop with the would've, should've, could've game, or the "it's not fair" game. If this is MLC, it doesn't matter what you could have done - he is going through this no matter what.

This doesn't mean that you give up hope. But you get realistic about the situation and what you can control and what you can't. You can't control him, you can control you.

And you get through it, minute by minute. It is the worst pain that I have ever experienced. But it gets better with time. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, but I am no longer paralyzed for days at a time. I have come such a long way in two years and you will too.

Others here gave you some ideas on what they are doing to keep busy. Force yourself to do things for you. It may seem like faking at the beginning, but that will change.

And take care of yourself. Come to the boards when you need to vent, cry or whatever. You will get responses from people who have been in your situation and truly understand.

Hugs!

w8ing

I just had a conversation of 1-1/2 hours with my H - him telling me that he has a gut feeling I am going to screw him in the divorce.
(not my personality to screw people especially one I am still deeply inlove with)
He has so much anger - if he truely wants a divorce then why all the anger - he keeps throwing my infidelity back in my face as to why its all ending this marriage - (he has had many and been forgiven)
Is this normal for him to be so angry? he thinks of me everyday and says that he still cares
then why is divorcing me???

Hi, Livingalone.

I have read your sitch, and I so know what you are feeling. I was there. Am still there in some ways. My H was my whole life. I still feel like I am "just going through the motions" almost daily. But it does get better.

Peacetoday said it very well. You need to use this time to work on you and what makes you happy (although it may feel that nothing can make you happy at this point). It's about saving you not the M....... but saving yourself is the best chance you have at reconciliation down the road.

The best advice I can give is to remember to be kind to yourself!! There are really no "right" or "wrong" answers. This is a journey that we each have to take and what works for one may not work for another. You will learn much in your own sitch by trial and error. You have to become your own best friend!

We can all tell from reading what you have written that you are a warm, loving, woman with good values and you do indeed "deserve better". Your H is concentrating blame on you because that makes it easier for him not to look in the mirror. Try not to listen in to his rhetoric. Understand that it comes from his own pain (at himself I think possibly more than you although he likely doesn't recognise that!).

One book that really helped me that I suspect may help you is "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. It really opened my eyes and maybe it will for you to.

And one last thing, don't let your H mess with you about "screwing him over" in the D. I'm betting that is a just another tactic to make you feel guilty and to deflect blame. The truth is that WA state is a "no fault" state and "screwing over" one's spouse is not so easy.

Hang in there, sweetie!!

((((((HUGS))))))

Thank you for your message, I so appreciate it. I do wish I could find a weekly group to meet with so I can interact with live people as well as this, I use to be very to myself , now I am finding I don't want to be alone and am reaching out where I normally wouldn't have.
Thank you again

Yes, I have started dance lessons but it's hard. It's no fun dancing with my dance teacher who's a little latino woman.....

I have also checked for local "meet up" groups but they don't have anything out here on the peninsula. I also do Deep Water Aerobics and am thinking starting a Yoga class.

But those things are during the week and I struggle on the weekends. I get bored which then leads to more thoughts of H and depression.

But, I'm not giving up.....

He also wants to bring her to our house to sleep and help him load some of the stuff he is taking this coming weekend - how do I handle this? I begged him not to because it would literally kill me to see them together - is he stupid or just cruel?

Originally Posted By: Livingalone101

He also wants to bring her to our house to sleep and help him load some of the stuff he is taking this coming weekend

WTF???

Originally Posted By: Livingalone101

- how do I handle this?

Tell him "Not only NO, but HE** NO!!!!

Originally Posted By: Livingalone101

I begged him not to because it would literally kill me to see them together

Don't beg because that just gives him the rush of knowing he has the power to hurt you (which is what I think he is definitely trying to do!). Try to keep (or take back) your dignity and just tell him as calmly and directly as you can that that would be totally inappropriate and that if he cares about both of you, then he won't put either of you in that awkward position........ Hold your head up be the gracious lady, and thus show him what an insensitive child he is behaving like!

Then when he comes to get his stuff, have something else to do.....anything at all, even if you just go to a book store or something (but don't tell him what it is!)......Just don't be there......be gone engaging in your new life.

If he asks where you were, just say you had other things to do. If he pushes, look him straight in the eye and smile and tell him it's really not his business anymore what you do with your time.

Originally Posted By: Livingalone101

is he stupid or just cruel?

Probably both!!

Hang in there, honey!!

((((((HUGS))))))

Thank you for your response Silent Chrleader

Yeah he keeps saying he isn't trying to hurt me but I am not that stupid because that is exactly what it seems he is doing.

Maybe I should get a boyfriend and he could meet my husband. lol.

I had a lot of hope that things might work out with us someday but I am quickly realizing that I need to heal myself at this point and he isn't going to be apart of that.

Thank you again.

Hey, (((LA))).

Yes, it is about you. Believe me.....I know how hard that is. I am a year and a half down the road from you, and everybody tells me how great I am doing, and I'm thinking they are out of their mind because I can still break into tears at any given moment.

But, looking back I can see progress. It's slow, and patience has never been my strong suit, even with myself, but I know I am going to be happy again one day.....or maybe truly happy for the first time in my life, because I feel like I have really buried my head in the sand for many years.

Anyway, I have a good C, and that really does help. And I really do encourage you to get that book I mentioned. "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. It opened my eyes a lot.

Take care.

((((((hugs))))))

I will check out that book - anything that will help me learn and become a better person would be great.

I have 2 counselors I am going to, both great. Next week I am starting a Divorce care group at church. I think I finally have a job so I guess I am starting to move the right direction. I do want to be happy myself.

waiting for H to come and talk to me about assets and what to do with the house is going to send me over the edge, he keeps changing his mind about coming and now he is playing games with the thought of bringing his Bitch friend to meet us all- the thought of seeing them together will just kill me - I hope he finds his brain before attempting such a stupid stunt.

I was hoping in the beginning (1 month back) that he wouldnt file for a divorce right away and it would give him time to change his mind and now I am going to be ok if he does - yeah it will devistate me to see the papers, but I have friends and family to help me through. I am thinking now that maybe this is all best because I know I do not deserve to be treated like this and I am a great person inside and maybe someday down the road after I have healed and fixed myself, there will be someone that loves me and will not give up on me like my husband did.

I truely believe I will be ok, it's how I get to that place that scares me really bad.
Thanks for listening. Can I ask what part of washington you live? I am in vancouver

Hey, Living.

It sounds like you are in a really good place right now emotionally and moving forward and do some really good things to support yourself. But, remember, they don't call this the "emotional rollercoaster" for nothing.

I can identify whole-heartedly with everything you said......but sometimes it's hard retraining the heart to follow what we know to be true in our head. Just try to remember to be kind to yourself, and you don't have to live your whole life at once. Just take it one day at a time.....or a minute at a time if need be.

The past is done and can't be changed. Nobody knows what the future holds. We sabotage ourselves when we keep thinking about whether our H will come home, and what if he doesn't, and what if he does, etc..... I call that "future fu**ing" and I'm an expert at it, believe me!!

Life is in the moment!! So do whatever you can to make each moment the best you can.

And I live in Bremerton, across the water from Seattle. If you would like to contact me, you can find me in the alternate universe under "SChrldr".

((((((hugs))))))

Livingalone....

What happened to ya'????

Hope you are OK!!