Ohh.. locked my thread...
Says he had an MLC!So the lastest news, Friday was...
my ex did go out last Saturday with BMF G, but asked to have the keys to go back to G's as he felt so low. I dont know when the next bit came out, but turns out my ex is very unhappy.
He told G that he wants to split up with Helen. (yay! He's finally actually said it!)
But the problem is, my ex has been asked to tender for a contract which would mean he has to work closely with her for 6 weeks (they work for partner organisations, 10 mins apart). He wants to break up with her, according to G, but he is thinking of the hell Helen will put him through if he finishes with her during this project (and apparently she really will) which is why Cher thinks he isn't a happy bunny.
I checked with her and yes, he actually said that the problem was he had to apply for the contract, but he wants to break up with her. He doesnt know if his tender won or not yet. I think it will though, as they are partners. They havent worked that closely, as far as I know, since they did 2 weeks site work June 07 (when all of this started!!!)
So.. vindicated!!!
So now.. he's got to the point of feeling 'done' with her, I cant see how their R will recover from that point, so it must be only a matter of time now. I think it will end acrimoniously.
I told someone a funny story earlier, about how I once did a dance around the room and got a flower, which I pressed in a book and still have in my Grandads loft. Has really made me smile. Makes me wonder on the nature of my ex's and Helens R, if they ever had any moments of joy and bliss and love like that, but I doubt it. I bet the whole thing has been a giant mistake for him and I wonder just how foolish and depressed he is feeling? Hmm.. and all this, just as Venus is about to go into reverse for 7 weeks. And he has said that he cant split with her until after the 6 weeks is up.. and I wouldnt be surprised if the work was starting imminently, as thats the nature of the work they do, it will be something strating in a week or two no doubt. So, wierd timing! Think my prediction of late May at least is looking likely..
I am worried about this Full Moon coming up, exact conjunct a reversing Saturn and opposite Uranus, on my Sun and slap bang on my birthday 10th March. Eek. Not sure what that Full Moon is going to bring... as full moons 'illuminate' things that have been hidden, unseen and air things, bringing them to fruition/culmination.
Glad you have gotten some news.
Keep being his friend.
What I meant with my post on your last thread was, contact him like you would any other friend.
Ahh.. thanks Michelle! I see.. well, I do have to email him about that boiler certificate, so I could so that I guess and say hope he had a good weekend (ha, never said that before!)
And thanks GFI for your kind words and Rob too, for saying keep going! I dont think we have had that much of a gap since mid Jan, I think its been no more than a week? I havent heard from him since last Tuesday though. I now know he was very down last weekend, but his emails on Mon and Tues didnt convey that at all!
Still wish I could hear his voice though, its been so loooooonnnnnggg!
Ali
that is hopeful that x isnt happy with OW
hopefully they will break up
then there amy be a possibility for a new conection
one never knows here what will happen
Hope it goes your way
peace
Ali,
I'm convinced you have the patience to wait this one out, so just stay the course, be his loving friend, do your own thing, and settle in for a long winter.
He's coming around and the demise of his R w/Helen will happen "soon." The only question is "how long is soon?"
RTL
Hi kids! Thanks for sticking with me.. yes, this sitch is slower than narcoleptic snail racing...
I learnt how to do a one inch Bruce Lee punch at Tang soo do tonight, it was great.. except the person I practised on didnt feel a thing.. oh dear! I spend alot of the class either laughing, or making other people laugh, including the instructor, so I dont think I quite have the right respectful attitude..haha. I'm testing for my yellow belt on the 15th though.. woohoo! if I can remember the moves...
So today I got a little bit excited as he passed another little 'test' in my head.. he emailed me, for no reason! And he did a remarkable thing (for him), he set up a new password for me on that credit card (I didnt ask him to) - which is amazing, after not even realising he was paying it for 15 months, ha. But also, it felt like a kind of 'excuse' to email me. But he was chatty and jokey and asking questions and SOOO trying to make a good impression. What the hell is wrong with him!? Why doesnt he just come here and put his arms around me and we will be 90% there?? (ha, I'm easlly pleased... hey K !!! lol).
So I wrote back, longer, funnier (natch) and he wrote back to me again! He was pretty funny too, so, clearly trying to match me! and this is all very lovely and I'm not complaining, AT ALL.. but WTF does he want !?
Then I got approved for a massive loan by my bank, to consolidate all my debts, as they say in the slimey ads, so I was really relieved (no idea how I'm gonna pay it though!) Also met a good friend for lunch, so today was a good day all round.
((((((Ali))))))
I think that this is a great time for you to go really slowly! Remember the little hedgehog?
Jeff, my main man, you're back! Hmmm.. I do remember, but I thikn he may have advanced from incredibly shy abd anxious hedgehog, to possibly a vole, or maybe even a stoat.. but definetly not yet a brave badger.
So, emailed him back this morning in our polite, friendly, funny game of witty typing tennis. This is like some kind of Victorian courtship, by letter, updated for the 21st century... I suppose we are building the contact back up and mending fences here and I am still a bit nervous about speaking to him (as I am sure he is of me).. but perhaps he is gradually building up his comfort levels?
Still cant believed I got that massive bank loan, I suppose that Venus in my 2nd house of money had to be good for something! Goes into reverse on Friday for 7 weeks.. hmm... wonder if he won that contract??
... I just lost my job !!!!! Oh f-it. My student says she doesnt need a notetaker anymore (the other doesnt either as he is now doing drawing classes) so I am back to no wages !!!!
Sorry Al, about the job. Maybe you should move here and teach English, you would be making 50 euros/hour, if you worked 4 hours per day that is 200 euros multiply by 20 days (minimum) that's 4000 Euros.... You would spend 2000 euros on house etc and the rest could be to pay out your loan... That's an idea!!
About BF: you know what I think. As long as you dont get lost in cheeseless tunnels and your instict says things will happen, then... keep on keeping on!
Love
K
Hey K.. thats a GREAT idea!!! I have always wanted to teach English... I used to be an adult IT trainer for 3 years and I loved it, really like teaching to adults who WANT to learn. Woulndt I have to know Greek though, to teach?? I was actually talking to my sister yesterday about the idea of living and working in Greece for a few months this summer.. my parents may come to live in my flat and could look after my cat whilst we try and get the place sold.. I could just go for 2 months?? June and July...
Wouldnt I need some kind of qualification to do it though? Hmm.. I am serious, this is a good idea !!!
I am pretty stressed I just lost my job... cant believe it! What next...
Been sitting here thinking this is ridiculous... he sent me two lovely emails yesterday (well, considering the sitch we are in) positive, friendly encouraging..but he never says much, nothing emotional/revealing.. but then thats not the way he actually is, according to BMF. But, I havent seen him for so long now.
So.. trying to work up the courage to phone him tommorow night. We havent spoken for 2 1/2 months now. Thats not very good is it? Find it hard to believe he has any feelings for me when I look at it like that.
I was thinking how strange it was when he set that password up for me (its my money, but in his name)... he said in his email "and on a rubbish practical note".. almost like he ws apologising. Its just not normal !! He's still never mentioned our joint account, or houses. Is this like all these men here that are M but never mention D? That its up to the LBS to file? I cant do anything about it though, we are financially stuck with one another for now. So will I be the one to have to sort this at some point, or do I hold onto these emails he is now sending me as some kind of sign? (along with BMF comments that he is breaking up with Helen because of missing me and what we had and that to hold on.. he's coming back.. hmm, really!?). I havent spoken to BMF for a couple of weeks, but then, dont suppose things have changed that much.
K's birthday just bought up stuff for me.. its my birthday also next Tuesday. I wonder if he will try calling me 4 times like Kalni's H did? I doubt he will even call once! My BFF thinks he will buy me a present, I will be stunned if he does. Hmm.. feeling a bit down today.. I really ought to stop listening to Snow Patrol, they're possibly more depressing than Radiohead, lol !
Hey Al,
Sorry you're feeling down. I guess the thing to do is to try not to think about the content of his e-mails in detail. He's unlikely to revel his feelings to you particularly since he probably knows that it would have a big impact on you. I'm quite like that, especially if I have things I need to think about. It doesn't mean the feelings aren't there, I guess.
Also, don't attribute any meaning to the lack of speaking. A lot of WAS go off the radar for a period before they return- the 6 stages of MLC outlines a withdrawal period- might be worth re-reading that.
And finally, my H is just like your BF with respect to not splitting the money or discussing D etc. I've had to sort it all out myself. I think a lot of them are like that, not sure why. I guess some aren't sure it's what they want, and some are scared to bring it up.
Give up the Snow Patrol. I pride myself on not having listened to a single one of their songs for the first 18 months after H left. Listened to Drive last week and I got through it OK. I think it's a sign!
Is the plan to call BF tomorrow for a quick catch-up? I hope it goes well (and am sure it will!).
L. xx
Al, I was going to post but I guess Lisa said it all. Have patience and if you can restraint in reading too much into stuff. I would say the big thing is patience, it is so frustrating that we can't hurry them along... but would we want them back before they were ready? Carry on doing your GAL stuff and enjoying and taking charge of your life. In general, you are doing really well, even if you are down today. Tomorrow is a new day
Are you strutting your stuff at Tang So Du - -is that how you say it?
Hi Ali,
Sorry you lost the job; do you still have a hostessing one to fall back on?
One Day is right: during the Withdrawal period you are the last person they want to/are able to confide in. And 2.5 months really isn't that long for withdrawal, in their time-stopped alien minds. Sure, phone him if you need to, but try not to let any R talk happen. At this point he's likely still cycling, not ready to move straight ahead yet, and you don't want to get caught up in that.
As for "normal"--well, MLC really isn't a normal state of mind, is it. Yet, most of what he's doing is pretty normal for where he is now.
Your birthday may or may not register with him in his present state. And if it does, is it really worth much analying? More important, what are YOUR plans for your birthday? Think how far you've come in the last few months, and plan a fitting celebration for YOU. (And, yeah, perhaps get out something a little more upbeat to listen to?)
Ali,
So sorry about the job. Cyrena asked if you still have the 2nd to fall back on?
Concerning teaching, look on-line for "teaching English overseas" or something like that. They'll have stuff and you don't have to have a degree to do it. Check them out if you are serious.
As for the man, keep going slowly, but keep these interactions alive. He's responding, but remember, he won't come flying back. If the R talk starts, it won't be settled all at once either.
Steel yourself to going slowly and expecting very little.
Do plan for an exciting Ali-evening next week for your birthday...and the depressing music should be shelved for now.
RTL
Hi there Ali - also sorry to hear bout the job - here's hoping today is a better day!!!
Best - GFI
Ali the course you need is called a TEFL course - Teaching English as a Foreign Language xx
I had a really good day today at college, we all went to the pub for 3 hours and laughed like hyenas. I was then going to call my ex tonight, but I just couldnt do it.. I sat there with the phone and dialled like 6 times, but I couldnt, fear I guess, fear of rejection, bothing him, not having the right to call him. Also though, he hasnt given me his number or new address, so whilst I could call his mobile, it feels that he doesnt want me to call him, else he would have given me his landline. That could be an illusion, but its how I feel.
Hey Julia, yes i had a fantastic time at Tang Soo Do Monday! I am going for my yellow belt soon !
Hey Lisa...I like that, good point "He's unlikely to revel his feelings to you particularly since he probably knows that it would have a big impact on you." - you really made me think with that. He knows any chink of emotion has huge significance, so the wall stays up I guess. I did rearead the MLC stuff as you suggested and my ex matches it to a T! (with anger, then depression, then replay and possibly he is now in withdrawal).
Rob, GFI.. no, no other income! Its ok, the universe has freed me up to finish my degree, which I am due to on 26th May. I couldnt have gone on like that, it was taking up too much time. So its a blessing!
Hey Cyrena, well, seems that everyone agrees he is perhaps in some kind of withdrawal phase. I imagine he feels terrible that he got himself into this R and feels like he has been through some kind of ordeal, which has got him lower and left him with nothing. So, its not surprising we are in little contact. I also thnk he lacks the balls to call me, but then he wont whilst she is around (although he did several times before Christmas?).
BMF is seeing him tommorow night for a chat.. I am curious as to whether he won that contract!
As for my birthday.. I think I accept it wont be great. My family are sending me nice pressies, everyone at college plans to go out in the lunchhour with me.. but the evening as yet, no plans. Last year, I spent it alone. My ex wanted to see me but wasnt up to it.. he came round the next day and finally admitted he had depression and he cried all night. It was one time we talked honestly.
Hmm.. Chers been emailing me, her fiance (BMF) is making excuses about moving in with her. Oh dear.
Anyway, I dont ask about my ex anymore, I wait to be told, if they choose..and today she told me that BMF is meeting my ex tonight for a chat. She isnt seeing her fiance then though until Sunday, so if she wants to pass on any of what she hears, it wont be until next week.. and then its my birthday on Tuesday.
I wish I had called him a month ago, when I first heard all the positive things he had said about me. I cant help feel I cant believe he misses me, as we havent spoken in so long and he is not motivated to see me/speak to me. But as said above, in reality, he is depressed and withdrawn, breaking up with her and there are probably lots of reasons he cant deal with me, so things arent always what they seem.
When his BMF W back home told me last birthday that he missed me and said he thought he had made a mistake leaving, I was amazed, that wasnt obvious from his actions!.. a year later, I am still hearing the same message from friends and yet, he still hasnt said told me that and I am STILL ALONE !!!
sigh.
I think it is time to pick up the phone and have a chat. Nothing R related just have a light chat. It doesn't have to be long or anything. As long as you keep a cool head, you have nothing to lose.
hugs, kat
Hey thanks Kat.. I just cant do it! I know its fear, fear of his reaction, of more rejection, of bothering him. Also, it just never feels like the right time. I think he is right 'in it' as in, stuck in an unhealthy sitch with her he wants to exit from, which is placing a huge strain on him and he is probably very unhappy.. he already is trying to avoid her..and he's made the decision to end it, but cant face the fallout from that, workwise (and emotionally). Its ridiculous that I havent been able to phone him, I am sure in fact he would be happy to hear from me, maybe even relieved! I suppose it just feels like it wouldnt be the right time for HIM.
Theres something going on as people are going down around me. My sister is in turmoil, my Mum is low, my Dad is too and feeling unwell and worried about money, Cher is facing disapointment, my BFFs FIL is dying.. theres a sense of disintegration, things falling apart, peeling back, being exposed.. I am a sensitive soul though, so I pick this stuff up.. then I remembered that there are planets connecting with Chiron, planet of wounds and healing.. seems like people are being exposed, or reaching the core of what has been bothering them.. a sense of, I cant take much more of this...enough now.
I think its interesting that the front page news in the UK is dominated by Jade Goody dying of cancer and very graphic pictures of her suffering and her loved ones and theres a sense that we are all literally waiting for her to die, any hour now..but as tragic as that is, its like, enough now. To me, she is representing the real earthy human suffering that alot of people seem to be feeling right now, whether thats emotionally or financially (and for some of us, both !!). There is a sense of 'death' around.. but then there are some pretty harsh planetary alignments round right now... 5 planets in Aquarius worrying and pulling on us mentally, opposed to Saturn (planet of death, Old Father Time) on the other side of the sky, currently going backwards (so slowing things down further) and about to be exact conjunct a full moon (on my birthday, eeek!).
Things will ease up, but not until late spring, early summer I think. I also think.. I am talking to myself here, but that made me feel better to explain that to myself !!! And singing along to Blur helps
Oh and they cut interest rates to 0.5% today !!!! Woohoo, even lower mortgage, yippee.
x
I read!!!!
Same things over here. Something is really shifting to what it really is. I feel it too. I am letting my anger and disappointment surface. I really hope things get better sooner than in early summer...
K
((((((((Ali))))))))))
Sorry I've been away sweetie. I had to take a break to catch my breath and get some perspective.
I'm so sorry about the job, and right after you got that loan sorted out too. So, no more hostessing at the curry house? I'd probably eat my way through my paycheck working there.
I like the idea of teaching English overseas. I know in countries like China and Korea where learning English is a huge advantage for them, they don't require a full degree but they do require basic college courses and then they put you through a short training of their own. My church has teachers that teach ESL classes to the foreign speakers of our community. They are always looking for more teachers. You could come live here and teach them! I'll even kick Marc out of his room for you.
Hey well I was waitressing more than hostessing (or is that an Amercan phrase!? Hostessing is something a bit rude in the UK involving entertaining men!). Its tough, I'm just broke and will be for a while yet. Thanks for your offer though! Wow I wish I were younger and could be glad of all this freedom... instead, I look at my elbows and wrists and feel that I am developing a certain "elephantitis" of the skin from aging, lol !!
I cant seem to get to bed early lately. Just sat here wondering what was discussed tonight with BMF. It could have nothing to do with me. I worry too much time has gone by now with no contact, but then, I worry and fear too much about just about everything (hmm, Saturn in the 3rd, house of the mind)
I worry and fear too much about just about everything
You worry, Ali?
Who knew?
ha.. well, I lost my job this week and I didnt worry too much about that (probably ought to !!!).
Feeling wierd today, calm before a storm. I have a sense of there being things I ought to know, that I could be told about, eventually, seeing as BMF saw him last night and I am sure my name came up. Cher could find out.. but I bet she wont. She is wrapped up in her own stuff with BMF. Everyone is! Its like, theres nowhere to turn, everyones dropped their oars and are desperately paddling with their bare hands.
I want to move house, to be nearer the sea, I want to learn to surf, to rockclimb, to play the drums, go to Greece, eat stuffed chillis, see a Volcano, get another cat, get married and be happy. When will all my dreams come true? I cant afford to really eat anymore, such are my debts, so some of thses things are going to have to be 'delayed'.. I wouldnt mind if I knew it was going to be alright eventually, if I could just see some light at the end of this long tunnel I have been in since June 07. I'm not seeing it yet.
Calm before the storm... Same here. I thank you for my calmness. End of April-May isnt that far away. September is but maybe in September things will REALLY look good but the progress will start sooner...
We need to get our plans in place. Give me a couple of weeks and then we can decide what's happening, when... (visits etc) I was thinking, maybe I can convince H to pay you to talk in English to my kids, he doesnt have to know we knew each other, no?
xxx
K
Check out my chart again, tell me I will be fine and happy and rich soon, TELL ME!!!!
Ali,
Your last post reminded me of the book 'Eat, Pray and Love'. Have you read it? If not I think you would really enjoy it. It's about a woman's journey to experience some things and learn about herself. Somehow it reminds me of you. Plus it is a cracking good read. Try it.
Hey K! You're welcome! and yes..the lady I spoke to said that we would be through it by September, but would begin to feel better by late May! Its not that far off.. we can make it!! And I would LOVE to come see you of course and visit Greece (I have always wanted to go to Athens, the Panthenon etc, my last holiday was to your hometown.. Kalamata! and then I went to Olympia, which was AMAZING. Loved it). Yes, I could mind the kids sometime in June! Solve your problem, teach them English, hahaa.. but whenever, things will get clearer for us in Spring and then we can make plans...
Hey Saffie.. I have heard of that, it looks interesting, thanks. Beats all these astrology textbooks I have been reading ! Sadly though, I dont think I could bear to leave my cat behind for a whole year !! Sad I know.
Well...
HE EMAILED ME !!!!! VERY friendly... apologised for not being in touch, he has been out on site (I guessed).. and he has paid £200 in to our joint account, which is more than enough to cover the boiler certificate I arranged.. and he really didnt have to do that, nor did I ask. Told him I wsa thkning of giving him a ring (my tenants have got rats!!!! He blocked the holes up, soI was going to ask him where).
But he was chatty and jokey and warm....making an effort on a Friday afternnon before leaving work !
...and he's written back!!! Something sounds different, he's really trying (its 10 to 5 on a Friday afterall, I am sure he's got better things to do!).. and he ended it this time saying "You OK?". I didnt know how to answer!!
oh god...why cant he just meet me, give me a hug and put all this behind us...
and this just as Venus went backwards today! Its supposed to bring past lovers back, if thats whats the theme of your life right now.. and also, Venus is about money.. and today, I got a nice email from the disability managers, apologising over losing that work and saying they will match me up with a new student soon as, then I had a viewing on the flat and they are there now for a 2nd viewing and they are going to put an offer in tonight !!!! I will find out tommorow how much it is.. yippee!
See, things happen for a reason. When one door closes another opens, we just have to keep our selves open so that we can see it.
Are you "feeling" any closer to giving him a ring? Sounds like it would be a good time...
So glad that things are starting to fall into place for you.
hugs
kat
No, didnt call, I said in my email I was going to, then he answered my questions in his reply, so he didnt 'bite' or want me to call I guess. Perhaps he is with her this evening. Eugh! I never imagine them together, having never seen her, or heard a good word about her makes that alot easier !
Its so lovely to hear from him, everytime, just lovely to get those brief snippets of his life. This man I knew for so long I can hardly remember who I was back then, feels like 15 lifetimes ago.
And of course, bittersweet, always leaves me wanting more. If I get an offer on the flat and accept it, there will be papers for him to sign next week (the flat is in his name). Paying for the boiler on our house shows he continues to feel financially responsible for me. And theres no need is there, we arent M and have no dependants. Oh I wish he would break up with her, he would phone me if they split up I'm sure.
My BFF made a good observation earlier.. she said you are in weekly contact (not quite daily) and thats what you have, regular, email contact and its true.. looking back, we have been in weekly contact for the past 2 months, and he usually contacts me every 2-3 days in fact. Thats such a change to the Aug-Dec timeframe (he didnt email me at all in December, just phoned once) and also.. he has emailed me at 4-5pm on a Friday a few times, once he's back in the office after being out on site in the week. He wasnt bothering to do that Aug-Dec either.
Still alone though!!! Think I will be for some weeks yet. May might lift the loneliness...
Hey Ali - what's stopping you giving him a bell?
Given your history and current circumstances don't you have every right?
Could he be waiting for you?
Best - GFI
Christ, just found an old email from him on my PC, from May 2005, about a fortnight before his Dad went into the coma (and later died)..he'd been away at a wedding in Japan before he sent this...
"I did miss you terribly. Its funny, when I'm apart from you I really feel like part of me is missing."
..yeah tell me about it. Christ. What the hell happened to that feeling???
I was teasing him about a girl at the wedding and he also said...
"I don't want anyone else, never have since we've been together (and before that)."
I think he is referring to the fact he was secretly in love with me for 2 years before we got together. But didnt have the courage to tell me (figures!). And thats why its ok I wait now.. because he once did that for me..
oh hi GFI! Its just not time yet.. he's not 'pinged' yet? Still cooking! I did mention in my email I was going to call him, but he didnt 'bite', or mention "speak to you later" or soon or anything in his reply to me. So seems he didnt want me to. Its my birthday next week, see what that throws up hey! Heres hoping...
Hey Ali,
I didn't mean that you should leave your cat for a year....just thought the book may give you food for thought.
Ha yes I know! I was only kidding. She's just a cat!! Of course I could leave her. Funnily enough, it was one of the problems in my R.. I used to joke to my ex that I loved the cat more than him.. (my old tomcat that died the week before he dumped me). I wouldnt say something like that now, even in jest. He's a Leo, he needed a bit more adoration and reassurance than that! I found some more old emails, but I'm not going to torture myself anymore tonight. I wonder if he will send me a birthday card? Hmm..
I'm feeling pretty pleased he emailed me today, twice. I've got so many emails in my *ex* folder since he moved out...a couple in the Nov/Dec 07 then none till contact resumed last Feb, so about 350 in the past year between us. So thats paractically one every 2 days since he left me on average!!! Thats not normal.
((((((Ali))))))
Just a cat????????
I think my cat has been pretty helpful in getting me through all this! For a cat, anyway!
I want to move house, to be nearer the sea, I want to learn to surf, to rockclimb, to play the drums, go to Greece, eat stuffed chillis, see a Volcano, get another cat, get married and be happy. When will all my dreams come true?
Your dreams will come true when you learn in your heart that your dreams are not dependent on what man you are with or if he wants you or not. You dreams will come true when you make plans to make them come true.
You will be happy when you learn that you can make the decision to be happy.
When you learn that you will get happy and you'll move house, maybe to nearer the sea, you will learn to surf, rockclimb, play the drums, go to Greece, eat stuffed chillis, see a Volcano and get another cat.
While happy Ali is doing those things she won't have time to moan about Helen, BFMs problems or BMFs conversations with his friends - and you might just make enough room in your life and your spirit to fall in love and get married.
Its ok.. I was just being poetic and having a whinge. I am already living by the sea..and very lucky I feel too.. in fact, the sea is 5 minutes from my house !!! I just meant.. nearer, as in, right by it!! (could be pricey). I am also in the very lucky position to be at a very prestigious art college..which was a 20 year dream I made happen all on my own, after studying drawing for 2 1/2 years and then a foundation for 2 years and having to give up a career in web development (another dream of mine that took 11 years to materialise!) to get here. So I am already following lifelong dreams which was all my doing, not a man!
I am starting seakayaking lessons soon and I will do surf lessons (funds allowing!) and I have bought a drum kit, I just need to move it down here eventually and then find a teacher (again, funds allowing, but I will do it once I am working full time again). Oh and I am already in love still, annoyingly, with my ex. Until he comes back, or it stops and I fall for someone else, I definetly wont be getting M! Thats one thing I cant control.
Sorry.. this thread is very much like a personal diary to me these days.. and anyone who has read back on their old diaries wil notice that alot of what is said 'in the moment' is often nonsense! I'm nothing if not honest...
YAYYYY!!!! I sold my flat !!! (fingers crossed it passes the survey, eek).. I just accepted an offer today.. on the DAY that Venus (planet of money) went backwards in my 2nd house of money.. the estate agent told them they must exchange contracts by mid April else the deal is off... Venus turns direct and goes forwards on 17th April! So thats pretty wierd timing.. not convinced the sale will go through.. we'll see!
So I can pay my parents back all the money I owe them and most of the credit card in my ex's name.
All the paperwork will come here, he will have to sign and the solicitor has to deal with him.. so I AM going to have to see him now, or get his address to forward stuff too. I hope thats ok with him.
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So exciting to have an offer that you could accept. I'll hope everything goes smoothly with the sale.
Ali!
Great news on the flat! Congratulations! I'm also glad to hear that BF has been emailing you.
Again--you don't have to get caught up in the drama of whether or not to call him. focus on what is working!! email is working!! that is wonderful!!
Also, I used to each ESL, and I never got a TEFL certificate. From what I've heard, the TEFL certificate can be something of a scam, so, you really might not need one at all. Once the students get to a certain level, your instructional ability is just a function of your fluency, which is CLEARLY THERE.
love!
T
Thanks girls... its got to get through the survey yet though (debatable!)
Thanks T... it IS nice he continues to email me.. but its so bittersweet. And now, they are always jokey, but not in a naturally funny way he would write to his mates, more like he is trying, desperately to be finny, upbeat, match my wit, make an effort, an impression. We both do it, have done for weeks. Its so odd!?
I found this old email, forwarded from my work May 2005 and it was this huge thread between us over days, where he said so many amazing things.. it was after the fallout from my EA and he was saying how much he loved me, didnt want anyone else, wanted us to build a future, loved our house and homelife, our cats, how I was an amazing catch, he'd never wanted anyone else.. its so sad. Where did all that go?
I feel stressed now... I just got put on the spot by Cher and agreed to go to a wine and DVD night in a while, but I should be writing my disseration !!! I couldnt say no.
I am going to have to speak to him though I think, over this flat offer. Its still upsetting me that he wont speak to me, seeing as I said in my email Friday "I was going to give you a call" but then he didnt 'bite' and ignored it. And I have only seen him 3 times in over 6 months, which is ridiculous. And he is still with her, which does upset me (although he told BMF he was going to end it with her)..
My RL people were impressed he put more money in for joint things, so I dont have to. Wierd.
Ali,
Great news on the flat. Now we'll all keep our fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly and you'll be able to complete the sale.
I'm glad to hear you and BF are in contact a few times each week. I know it is frustrating b/c his pace is slower than you'd like. You clear w/your frustration when you said:
why cant he just meet me, give me a hug and put all this behind us...
The answer, of course, is two-fold. One, time will make this happen as long as you can a) stay the course, and b) have enough patience to wait. The 2nd part is also something you know - He's a zoo and incapable of doing anything except what he is doing right now.
If he's miserable w/Helen, I'd wager confidently that he's thinking about you far more than he's contacting you. He knows the grass he has is quite brown compared to the lovely green lawn he once knew.
Again, time is what is needed here.
Also, I'm sorry about the lack of income, but glad you'll be able to get through w/your college courses in a more rapid fashion. That should really help you in several ways moving forward.
I hope you slept well and have a lovely Sunday across the Pond.
RTL
Hey Rob, thankyou and you are absolutely right, he is a zoo, he's f-ed up! And yes, also, I woke up thinking the same, question is, have I got the patience to stay the course?
I had a lovely evening, very emotional. We talked all night and a bit about my ex. She worries for my ex, as he is very depressed and G cancelled some work so he could stay and meet my ex for a drink, Thursday, as he is VERY worried about him. Turns out, their friend J was there too....and Helen later on.
Apparently what my ex said about hte contract was along the lines, oh no "I will be stuck with her for another 6 weeks now". Ridiculous hey? Also.. she doesnt cook !! My ex has a Taurus Moon, the way to his heart is definetly through his stomach, he loves good food. I taught him to cook (took me 5 years!!) and cooking nice meals from scratch most nights was central to our R, he LOVED all that. Shes just the opposite of me though hey. Apparently she managed to cook a cheesecake, so went on about this in the pub "20 times" to the point my ex turned to BMF and said he wsa sick of hearing about it. Ridiculous, the whole thing is, he never once bad mouthed me to friends, not even since we have split up!!!!
She didnt stay the night with him, he and BMF got very drunk (sigh) and then she drove home. Apparently he doesnt spend many nights with her. Apparently shes not that nice to him.
Also, she said to BMF that they really ought to go out again for a meal, the 4 of them. BMF was drunk and honestly told her, no, that isnt going to happen, it was a disaster last time and Cher doesnt like you. Blimey.
I had a moment of clarity last night. She has no idea, like I didnt, that he is going to dump her! I thought their R is at breaking point and in fact, she is joining him down the pub with his friends, but she obviously feels secure enough in her R with him still that she is inviting his BMF out for a meal sometime as a 4. I'm not saying he is lying, or wont go through with it, I'm saying, he is wearing a front to her so that she probably has no idea that he has made the decision to dump her. As I didnt.
My ex told G he is sick of renting and that he had a lovely house (or has?) back home and told him about it and how he misses it. I'm amazed, I thought it was me that loved that house and still felt attached to it, seems he is too. He's never once mentioned it since we split up. I knew he wouldnt want to sell it.
Lastly, she said that if it were her, she would move on, as she is a Leo and thats what she does... but for me, she thinks I should wait. She said that G has said I should wait, that ex is very unhappy and will break up with her very soon. He is adamant that he wants me back and adamant, she said, that I should continue to wait for him. She said, he is his BF, ex only really confides in him and G was adamant last week its only a matter of time... I believe him, but how much more can I take????? Not much.
Good morning Ali,
Just thought I'd check in. You're up early on a Sunday.
I don't have a lot to say, other than it sounds like progress is being made, in terms of your ex getting more and more fed up with the situation that he's in. I'm not so sure there is a whole lot that you can do other than remain patient (assuming you still want the R back), and keep up the friendly contact that is working well.
The point you made about Helen is interesting. You are probably right that she has no idea about how your ex feels, and that is too bad.
Sounds like you're running out of patience? What are your next steps?
ITH
Hey ITH! Yes I was up early, and up late! I cant sleep in lately. I used to be so lazy before, I'd lie in bed till midday on a Sunday and my ex hated wssting the day like that, so I'm not like that anymore.
You are right, his sitch is reaching breaking point, he is utterly miserable, in fact, he has been since he left me, its not going to last with them much longer and its out of my hands, of course.
I accept he is going to need another 6-8 weeks with her before he can end it and that he isnt going to want to say broach trying again with me until its over and that wont be until late April/May at least. So, I can wait 2 more months. Kalni said an insightful thing.. see how he behaves when he has split up with her, then you will know, his actions then will be telling, but until he has dealt with that, you will get nothing.
Clearly he is still 'in it' and not bottomed out yet, he hasnt had that lightbulb moment "WTF am I doing?". Interesting he is now verbalising about missing our house, but not the house, what that represents I suppose, your own place, a home, the R that went with it (he already said he misses our homelife). Its ALL SUCH A WASTE!!! How do I feel today? Cross. Angry. Let down. This past 18 months has been ridiculous, these men are so destructive, they hurt themslves and others. He devastated my life. Now he is about to hurt her. He shouldnt have stayed with her for 6 months, I feel sorry for her, I know what a shock she's got coming (although it was worse for me, after all those years of living together).
On a separate note, sadly Cher may end it with BMF today as there have been issues between them lately (ha, shes a Leo), but if he redeems himself, she said they will take me out for a meal on my birthday to a lovely fish restaurant!! I hope they resolve things, of course. Plus, if I do get to see BMF Tuesday, I'm going to grill him... I dont care anymore whats right or wrong, or PC. I have to put myself first and I want to hear first hand from him if he believes its worth waiting and exactly why.
Ali,
If your Ex does break up with Helen, and IF he does come back to you, how are you going to ensure he doesn't do something like this again? He doesn't seem to be the sort of guy who opens up about his feelings and I know that would leave me feeling a bit worried that he would act the same way again in the future if I was in your shoes. To be honest, he seems a bit of a coward when it comes to emotional things.
I just wonder if you have thought beyond the actual'getting him back', part to how to make things work in the future, so as to avoid a similar situation arising again. Once you get them back it is hard work keeping the R going .
Hey Ali - GREAT GREAT news about the flat!!!
On the ex front - I can understand the stress! but - stop!
Step back - what is causing this stress? Is it hearing / knowing the things Cher etc have related to you? Is is the bringing to the fore of hopes and wishes? Is it cos, if your ex dumps H then you're not sure then what?
What if you knew nothing of any of those possibilities? - where would you be then? Stressed? Or are you stressed because you have come to a crossroads yourself?
Perhaps its the waiting...knowing that there is the potential of something happening...
Could it worth investing some time figuring out what the "stressor" is - that might help folks here to - to understand and comment with more clarity...
just a thought...of course - easier said than done often and very easy to suggest from outside of the sitch!
FWIW - I think - you should be careful not to get too wrapped up in to mights and coulds - just like we all have to be careful not to dwell on shouldas, wouldas, couldas...
Ali - you've done a great great job on yourself - don't that go down the pan as you contemplate the possibilities!
Best as always - GFI
Yes Saffie, but probably true for most people here.. their spouses were weak/avoidant/emotionally dishonest, which is why its called 'the bomb' - we dont see it coming. I would just like a 2nd chance, but who knows? Even with MC, there are no gaurantees. But there arent anyway in life, I could meet a fabulous new man and he could cheat on my in 6 months. I bet Helen thought my ex was a catch, but he thinks about his ex all the time (according to BMF). I guess if he goes through this and learns what matters to him enough to come back, maybe he wont do it again. Much like me and my EA.
Its all feeling a bit hypothetical really, I cant believe he does want me back as much as BMF says.. wheres the evidence!? Although folks such as Cyrena tell me this type of behaviour is 'normal' and I know he's very down and struggling, so, wait and see I guess. And he does keep emailing me now, frequently.
Hey GFI...yes I am a bit stressed. Its frustrating, I miss him. I'm a bit resentful he wont pick the phone up. Yes its the waiting. I'm lonely and I keep having bursts of memory of him and I together and all I see, looking back, is lots of nice memories and loving times. It all seems such a waste. I thikn I finally feel jealous.. to hear she was out in the pub with him, G and J.. I dont even know where he lives !
Ali - stressed he won't pick up the phone ... to phone you?
You still haven't phoned him? Why not ? You have BIG news to share with him!
...some men are avoidant - I was - avoided the harsh truth, avoided what was obvious, avoided reality...is this a male trait? Or one that is more obvious on this board?
Saffie is onto something here though Al - make sure that if your exBF does move back into "your space" that you're sure that you have a plan to sort that stuff out...it might happen - it might not - but its worth rehearsing i think...
Without being going overboard with expectations or hopes ...this might be a time to consider your "terms" - especially in light of your new found and wonderful "Ali"!
Best - GFI
Yes, I have thought about it, alot, I just dont post about it as its still so hypothetical. I will 'feel my way' along if he does ever, ever, broach trying again with me. I have my ideas about it (we would have to 'date', get to know each other again, have fun, not mention Helen very much in the early days, but later in 'stage 4' as Jody says, we would have to talk, he would have to go to a GUI clinic, we'd take a holiday.. etc etc) but, I dont think you can plan these things too much. I've learnt that much over the past 18 months, life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans hey.
Yes I do have to tell him about the flat, inevitably we will end up doing that by email. I wonder if he will offer his address to me for the paperwork, or offer to meet to sign stuff or.. most likely, he will just tell me I can go ahead and forge his signature on everything. Yep, done that before, on one of the leases, on our mortgage application, etc. That way, he can avoid seeing me, he will paint it as.. oh thats easier for you, I'm no good at all this, you read and sign everything...
I think I am beginning to forget what he looks like and what he is like.. i've only seen him twice Sep - now. I'm sick of feeling so rejected and not even worthy of an hour of his life. It feels like he doesnt even want to be my friend, but thats ridiculous, he emailed me 4 times last week and the week before and about 8 times the week before that. Noone in my life emaiis me that much! (oh, apart from Cher) so we are still in friendly contact. Perhaps we are veyr very slowly building back up to stage 2 - friendship. We were there pre-Helen and about to jump to stage 3 - romance and of course he bailed - after spending the weekend with me, he then started dating her 2 weeks later.
So we had to start back at stage 1 - reducing feelings of guilt and shame and negativity (is that right!? lol) and we arent really in stage 2 yet as there are still 'taboo' subjects and I dont have his phone number. Guess its going to take a long time, with the added complication of her. I just hope he acts on his decision soon to end it with her. I also hope he remembers my birthday! Although I will try not to place too much importance on it if he doesnt.
Hi Ali,
Just wanted to post a couple of quick comments in relation to your post. If your Ex always remembered your birthday in the past, then I am positive that he will remember it this time. This does not mean, however, that he will act on this. I think that there would be a lot of guilt associated with reaching out on your special day, given that he knows you are alone because of him. Perhaps he will make the effort anyway, but I just wanted to say that they are often thinking of us when it doesn't seem that they are. My own H recently posted on someone's wall on FB that he has a "great wife". He has not said one such thing to me in months, but this highlighted for the me the fact that what he says and shows to me is not necessarily what is going through his mind.
In terms of stage 2, I really think that it's normal for there still to be "taboo" subjects. My take on it is at the beginning of stage 2 it is like a very casual friendship. So, you don't necessarily discuss feelings and deep topics, but things are casual and light. I live with my H again, and we have discussed long-term plans together, but there are still topics that seem off-limits. My point is that these things often take a lot longer than we'd expect, and I don't think the stages are exactly the same for everyone. It takes a really long time to build up to a place where it is OK to discuss what happened. I remember that Jody told Optimistwife (who got her M back) that it was better to just concentrate on the things that were now good rather than bringing up the past and causing her H to feel shame for his behavior. They started moving forward, and making future plans, without having those talks.
Also I hate to hear you say that you feel like you are not worthy of an hour of his life. I know you don't mean that you feel that way but that you think he feels that way. Again back to guilt. He is seeing OW, is unhappy with his own decisions and where they have brought him in life, and you are a reminder of what he lost, and the fact that he hasn't had the courage to end it with Helen. From this perspective, I think it makes a lot of sense that he hasn't seen you more often. Sounds like if you are able to hold on through the next couple of months, and continue being his friend in the way that he is capable of (and who knows-this might grow to include phone calls and even meeting in person), things could start to shift.
Anyway hope you are doing well today!
ITH
Hi Ali, sorry but just had to bring this up to maybe avoid confusion to others following your thread.
So we had to start back at stage 1 - reducing feelings of guilt and shame and negativity (is that right!? lol) and we arent really in stage 2 yet as there are still 'taboo' subjects and I dont have his phone number.
Did you mean besides not having his address you don't have his home ph number?
as you have been debating whether or not to call him, I presume you do have his mobile ph number and that he hasn't changed it.
What happens after May if there is no progress(re stars) will you then move the date to July and see what happens then.
Is the length of time you are prepared to wait condititonal on whether or not you fall for someone else in the meantime or are you being guided soley by the astrological events.
Hope you have plans for your birthday whether or not, enoy the day.
Good Morning fellow dinosaur!!!
Naej, I have his mobile and he'd be happy to hear from me I'm sure, I just dont feel able to, suppose he doesnt either.. he just emailed me actually, he's emailed me every 2-3 days (not weekends!) since beg Jan.
I'm not still waiting because of the stars, as an astrolger, its just interesting to see the correlation between textbook transit effects and what is actually going on in RL. I have a little control experiment too.. as my BMF said today he felt exactly the same as I did at the weekend, emotionally, as Maria did, but with differnet circumstances. We were all born in the same week and are 37! There are similarities, in how we feel.
I'm not setting any rules/time limits/ultimatums on myself, or him. Dont think it really works that way, just acceptance of where I am at now and how I feel now and that that is a moving target.
hey Mish.. missed you on the boards lately. Well, I sent him quite a muted response, told him I accepted the offer, was a bit jokey but not quite as upbeat as I have been. Feeling a bit tired of it today, then I got a birthday card off HIS MUM! Nice of her, after being apart 15 months. Guess I am gone but not forgotton.
PS: M.. remember what we said about Sept 06?? I just remembered, thats when I started college.. so thats when BMF met me and we hit it off immediately. Wierd.
I finally had a vision for my final degree show and its to do with Saturn, Chronus, old father time.. and everything i have learnt on this painful journey the past 18 months (we pisceans have been having a Saturn transit and mine is exact right now -Saturn opposite my sun) it causes self-critisism/doubt, loneliness, sluggishness, depression, loss, lack of love/joy/happiness, hard times and lack generally, like financially! Theres always some bright spots though as Saturn tests us to our limits, but never BEYOND it. It feels like about as much as you can bear and no more.
So, he emailed me back, just very moaney, not too jokey and no, how are you's? no reference to my birthday tommorow (natch) and he ended it with a suprising admission, kind of more like how he used to pre-Helen (and hadnt since) he said..."boring day today, very tired and grumpy"
So, dont know why he is moaning to me and not his girlfriend! About the flat, he just said "thats great news - fingers crossed it goes through smoothly." - so clearly, NO clue that he is supposed to sign everything!
But.. the fact that he is sharing and moaning about his house, tenants, costs, his Mum (!), his brother, work etc etc, as he did... its interesting he feels able or wants to share that with me after 15 months apart! Perhaps shes sick of hearing it hey. I read it out to my BFF and she said "Its all, oh.. poor me. He's in a mess". Yep.
Hi Ali,
I just wanted to reinforce what ITH has said. It does take longer to move through the stages than you'd ever believe, and even if you got together in, what were you predicting, May? it might be 12 or 18 months later before your BF worked through his low self-esteem, guilt, regret, embarrassment, etc, enough to understand and be ready to talk about what happened. You know how every once in a while you cycle through a stage where you are convinced you need "honest and open communication?" Trust me, trying to talk to someone who is still reeling from the effects of his MLC is like expecting a person whose leg was recently amputated not to mind if you probed his scars in order to discover how he "felt"--you'd hear a lot of screaming, but receive little clarity about what was going on in his mind.
Yes, the two of you would concentrate on what was working/what was good, and make plans for the future, but because you hadn't yet received assurance that he knew what he'd done (and had therefore actually changed), you wouldn't be sure you could trust him. And on days when he seemed sunny, upbeat and himself, you'd think, how can you act as though nothing ever happened? Other days he would be preoccupied, closed in and unresponsive and you would want to scream, "I need to have my needs met too!"
It's hard to describe piecing. Sometimes things seemed to be so easy, so right, and other times the emotions and uncertainties I mentioned above would take over. After the bomb, I had a clear sense of what I needed to do to heal myself and what I'd like any future relationship to look like, which gave me energy and purpose to make changes. After H returned, I often felt I was slogging through a swamp with no compass. I wonder if, for the LBS, piecing isn't a kind of final exam, which forces us to reconfirm all the changes we have made.
The only thing that got me through piecing was my new-found ability to detach from my H, to understand that my emotional life cannot be connected to his, to NOT NEED anything from him. You've made a lot of progress in this area, but I'd encourage you, whenever you feel yourself wanting to have a good old wallow in "I wonder whether he...?", to instead focus on appreciating yourself and your life outside of him.
I think you're right not to set any rules/ultimatums on youself, and make sure not to set any expectations up either! I hope your birthday is lovely!!
(((Al)))
What's 'natch'? Not anything too much like snatch, I hope!
Happy Birthday- I hope you have a lovely day. Make sure you eat lots of cake and drink lots of fizzy pop, oh and maybe even eat some jelly and ice-cream. Makes you feel young!
Interesting that BF complained to you about his day. My STBXH does that too. I think it probably reflects the lack of a 'meeting of minds' with the aubergine.
Have a lovely day! If I was there I'd be hoping to hit Newquay to strike fear into the hearts of the young men there with our hot-ness!
L. xx
(((((Ali)))))
Great news on the flat! I hope that goes smoothly!
Lisa said...... Newquay!
Hey Jeff.. yes, it might not pass though! eek. Fingers crossed it does.
Hey Lisa! Ha, Newquay is a sh*thole! Thats where BMF lives, Cher hates going out there as she runs into his ex's! She is insisting we go out tommorow, either a nice fish restaurant or some comedy (cant find any, this is sticksville!), so thats sweet of her. Natch is "naturally", natch! Yes, I know my ex is not emotionally connected to her, but its still wierd to get such a moaney, self involved email to the woman you cruelly dumped 15 months ago with no explanation, the night before her birthday!
But, I had a brilliant night at Tang Soo Do.. me and GLM still studiously avoiding each other, but by god he is gorgeous. Ohh.. the sweat glistening on his chest rug and his pyjama outfity thingy sticking to him... ok.. STOP THAT !!!! hahaha
Hey Cyrena.. thankyou SO MUCH for your post. I felt a bit odd earlier but it is very helpful the way you calmly explain it, you are always the voice of reason! I agree it would take a long time to truly fix it, it took a year of talking after my EA to fix that (I realised yesterday I have already succesfully done piecing!), but mainly, we focused on the now, but also made plans and bought a house.. so I know how it works.. whther he is capable of admitting his guilt and what he did, as I had to.. and then facing all my questions and be able to provide reassurances endlessly, as I did then.. who knows. Wait and see if he dumps Helen first!
Thanks for noticing I am doing better and more self contained. detached.. I think so too. Time heals us all in the end hey! And GLM's hairy chest helps..
I read all of your posts Ali, I just don't have anything helpful to say so I just drop a note now and then so you'll know I'm alive!
I wanted to commend you on finding a vision for your final project! That's brilliant! You will post pics in the alt right? Can we see the progression of the work? I'd love to see the creative process you go through. I don't have an artistic bone in my body but I love art! All kinds!
Happy Birthday!! I know early for the US but just right for the UK! Have an awesome day just because it is YOUR day and because of what anyone else may or may not do.
hugs,
kat
[quote=Kalni]Sorry Al, about the job. Maybe you should move here and teach English, you would be making 50 euros/hour, if you worked 4 hours per day that is 200 euros multiply by 20 days (minimum) that's 4000 Euros.... You would spend 2000 euros on house etc and the rest could be to pay out your loan... That's an idea!!
About BF: you know what I think. As long as you dont get lost in cheeseless tunnels and your instict says things will happen, then... keep on keeping on!
Love
K
sorry to hijack, but how do we get those jobs overseas??? I'm there! Seriously.
(( j ))
I'll post more on your sitch--but am happy about poor helen...so sad...NOT!!
[/quote]
Happy Birthday Ali!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you do go out for fish with Cher and have a blast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thinking of you and hoping you feel special!
Hugs,
W2G
Happy Birthday to my fellow Piscean!
Enjoy it to the fullest. I had a wonderful day on Sunday celebrating mine.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
Happy Birthday mate!!!
Smile and make it a good one...
Love ya
M
Ali - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Hope you have a fabulous day!
Best - GFI
Hi everyone! Thanks for my birthday wishes!!! Feeling ok today.. I have been reading my birthday stars and apparently my spirit guide for this year is the swan !! I like that...It promises big things creatively too, and I do have a tonne of college work to do !! and yes, I will post pics of my degree show Mish, once its up in May.
I feel excited! Its a full moon. My ex's message was more honest and v down yesterday.. I feel a bit stronger, like I can 'slay the beast'... so I may well just phone him soon and I feel calmer anout that, as I can see in fact, he is an old friend and he is in a bad way and I can be compassionate and phone and say hi, with no expectations. I have been there for so many people over recent months, it almost feels normal that he could lean on me abouyt how crap his life is, since being with Helen!! Funny hey.
J.. yes, I also feel sorry for her.. she thinks she has a boyfriend and instead, she has a shell of a man who is full of self-pity and loathing, regrets, guilt, unhappines and who emails his ex every few days!!! (bet she has no idea). I knew it wouldnt last with them, back in Aug 07 when I was suspicious of her name, he told me he had to train her on some software and he said she was a bit annoying and didnt 'get it' and just wasnt that bright and he said, you'd have got it straight away Al... yep! WOnder why he bothered dating her then !? I guess the answer to that question is in his low self esteem, or his ego.. or his pants.
I do wonder if he's going to bother to wish me happy birthday and I bet his R is on VERY shaky ground now. Cher, a Leo, nearly split with G over hte past couple of days, sadly, but things are coming to a head for them too. Things are coming to a head for lots of people (my sister too, who is also a Leo).
Hey Al
Sorry, I have been away. Belated birthday wishes!!!!
You are sounding so much more positive. I wonder why the WAS always moans at us too - my h does whenever he sees me. Who knows?! Maybe it is part of the alien species that took them over
Jxx
Okay, Al--
What is a spirit guide? Is mine the same as yours or does it change by day and year? Just curious as i LOVE LOVE LOVE swans and DH bought them for me often. S a matter of fact, D17 bought me some crystal swans from her dad for our anniversary. She wanted me to have some memory and told me she knew he would have bought them if he was thinking right.
Have a wonderful day!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
Hey .. well, my birthday is today and for the 10th the spirit guide on Kajama.com was a swan!
Had a nice lunch and then Cher texted me to say G mentioned to my ex its my bd today and he said he knew.. and he has apparently sent me a card and present !!! I wonder what he sent me and why he did that? Guess I will find out the answer to one of those questions later when I get home and maybe G will say something about his motives later, when I see him and Cher for dinner tonight.
...so the pressie was lovely, very thoughtful... the biography by that Alex James from Blur, that I wanted ages ago.. in fact, he knew I wanted it Oct 07.. and then we split up after that of course..! So funny he would buy it for me now all this time later and 'know' noone else would have, but he is probs the only one close enough to me to know I love reading rock biographies. He also copied some interesting music onto cds for me and sent me a card (with a joke about a couple out for dinner at a posh restaurant! wierd) so...I'm pretty touched!! It was nice of him hey? and more than I was expecting. Wow. God knows.
Seeing Cher and G tonight, so guess I wont be able to help myself and as long as its not too awkward, will probably ask G WTF the present was all about and whats going on with Helen. He will tell me.
((((((((Ali)))))))))))
Happy Birthday!!!! Have wonderful evening with Cheri and G.
thanks, I will! No comment on the pressie ?? Well.. I had a premonition today!! I dreamt that ex sent G an email and he sent it to Cher, who forwarded it to me and I came here and posted and said, poor ex, having his confidence betrayed in that way! but lucky me that they are keeping me informed. Well, thats exactly what happened! And wow! But, not sure how I feel about it? Positive? or not so positive???
Cher said that my ex sent G an email saying:
"bet you'll have a good time tonight, kinda wish i was there (between you and me..)"
Then she asked G to invite him along and he replied:
"can't mate - wouldn't be right (unfortunately!)."
Thoughts anyone !!!!!!!!!???????
Well, he's right isn't he? It wouldn't be right. Not since he's still with Helen. He would have to break things off with her first before he were to meet up with you again. Would you want him to be 'cheating' on her with you? That certainly wouldn't be right, right?
The present? It was very thoughtful of him. Almost like he realized in the haze of his fog that it was something you liked, even though it was something you pointed out to him pre-bomb. Almost like the ensuing 18 months hadn't happened! Blip - oh yeah, Al really would love this book. Didn't she just tell me that last week? - blip.
Thats exactly how my Mum read it Mish! Like the intervening months hadnt happened! Ditto the music.. yonks ago I told him I was enjoying some Rage Against the Machine, but I only had a few tracks (yonks ago) and he has sent me the album !! Hows that for a memory on both counts. Clearly put thought into it.
No, it wouldnt be right, he is a man of integrity.. thats why he walked out when he fancied her I think, he wouldnt have an A, so he left me. Thats why he wouldnt see me when he started dating her.. and it still wouldnt tbe right, but then.. he adds on the end "unfortunately !" so he is REGRETFULL that its not right and he cant come. I just dont get why he is STILL putting her first, eventhough he has supposedly made the decision to break up with her !??? Perhaps he has changed his mind again. Guess I will have to quiz BMF later, although whatever I say will get back to ex.. BMF is clearly totally indiscreet !!
Hey ((Ali)), HaPpY bIrThDaY!!!!! Hope you do something fun!!
Didn't he have to wait until after that job that he might have to work with her on? I think it was great about the present. I know what it is like to get a present when they aren't focusing on you!! Sounds like your birthday is going well.
Have a lovely evening.
kat
Happy Birthday, Ali!
I need to send an e-card, but it may be late!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALI!!!!!!!
good news about the present! that card sounds.... curious!
Mishka, your explanation "blip - ... - blip" made me laugh out loud!!
I hope you are having a gorgeous day and rejoicing in your beautiful life!!!
love,
T
Happy Birthday, Princess!
You've had an interesting day. Wondering what will unfold next.
RTL
Thanks everyine for your messages !!! But.. it seems noone really knows what to say really about these latest 'developments' - me neither! Its a bit of a mixed bag of messages hey.
Had a lovely evening, little bit hardwork, I had to be 'on' and upbeat, as it was just the three of us and they have been through some rows past few days .. but I kept the convo and laughs flowing and it got easier.. by the time we left the restaurant, Cher was bent over double in the street crying with laughter and G was lent on her back, clutching his sides laughing, so that went well !!! They think I am funny (and Helen istn apparently!)
Ex texted me half way through the meal saying he hoped I was having an ince birhtday and had got his pressie!! G told me he had invited him, but that my ex said no but he "would have to see me soon as there is stuff to sort out and sign for the flat" - wow, so he DOES know, but is perhaps working up to arranging to meet me hey. He also told me hs IS working with Helen now at her place, they have been stuck in a new office together on this project and he said, he is not happy about it, not happy at all. He said he was supposed to have a serious talk with him last Thurs, but then their friend J muscled in and my ex cant talk in front of him... so he is meeting him this week (I think) to talk to him and find out whats going on.
But I had a moment of clarity.. my ex knows I am still waiting for him an am single and THATS why he doesnt call or see me, because he doesnt have anything to give me/isnt decided to come back to me. And yet, he is keeping me dangling on the hook more and more.. with the emails, the present, the text message etc..
So.. got to be pleased that he sent such a lovely warm text (and put some stuff in about him being out playing football.. by way of an excuse for not being there?) and such a thoughtful present!
Ali - great eve then!??? And happy Birthday again!!!
just one observation...something FG posted to kalni...I might have a interpreted it wrong mind-you! But when i read it, it did seem to ring true...perhaps being too obvious about your intentions might not be the most productive way forwards...keep your "goal" to yourself is, I think a reasonable paraphrasing of what he said...Ali - keep in mind the changes you have made and resolve to stick with them...
Everyone here has seen the massive changes you have gone through - and perhaps those changes are whats making your ex think again...don't give them up!
You do want to be the greener grass and a soft place to fall - but not too easily! If he's going to fall onto your lawn, he needs to negotiate a few branches on his way down! LOL - this fits in so well with my leylandii experiences over the weekend!
Best and sleep well!
GFI
Ali - addendum...have you thanked him for the pressie?
GFI
Ali
all round good stuff to be sure. Very good birthday all in all. But what's with thanking him so much and making sure you are "still available"? I may well have misunderstood your posts, but are you saying that you want him to know you are waiting? Is that some sort of 180"? Does not seem like one.
Sure he has mixed feelings...he misses you, but he is with her, regardless of what he says about maybe wanting to end it...what kind of guy tells others he wants out but stays....yet was able to leave you? Sorry, but it seems to me he has done just the right amount (the minimum) to keep you touched and available and NOT moving on to your own life or OM, and yet he has NOT ended the R with her....or called, or come back. He's getting to have his cake and eat it too. I'm not talking about being punitive. I'm just assessing the message. The message is he lives with her, not you. He sent you a gift, circuitously. Okay.
That's THE message I'd get. Yes, Yes, it is better to know he cares than not. Of course. But still, are these scraps something you want to make a big deal about? How about you give a polite "thank you for the thoughtful gift"...and leave it at that...and have some more mystery too.
Does he have to know exactly who'll be with you for the evening? Have some plans with "x" unknown so G can tell him THAT....G won't know where you were b/c you "made some new friend(s)" or whatever and G "could not reach" you but next time you are available, G will .....etc etc. make sense?
Anyhow, I DO think these are good signs...but also think you can manage them better by not over doing the analysis and increasing the mystery. Why would he come back to you now, if he hasn't exhausted every other possibility with Helen? I mean, if he knows you are waiting then why should he rush? In fact, who is to say that after her, he'll come back to you without first exploring some other R?
I think he needs to know the risk of losing you and seeing the great catch that you are by you GAL and being upbeat, a woman only a fool would leave...just mho.
Still, don't fret. It WAS a good birthday. So many WAS's around here literally forget their lbser's b-day after decades together. THAT SUCKS...
Hugs, Happy belated B-day too! hope you don't get upset at this, it's a small 2 x 4 b/c I think you can help this go your way if you GAL, PMA and move along as if he is not coming back...so stop looking back and making your life about what he might feel or do or think. That is NOT GAL...it's tactical to get him back....you need to actually GAL for you.
Make sense?
(( j ))
Ali - sorry to jump in again here - especially on you birthday night...and when you have likely turned in...
Yes! - although 25years, that post was a bit blunt for our sensitive "lets sit down and have a nice cup of tea" ears! But all the same I think you're onto something here...
Like I said above - thing is not to be "obviously" available or willing....?
Ali has done lots over the past few months for HER - not designed or contrived to "win" her ex back - who would hang off a boat in the English Channel for any other reason than for the thrill of it? In Winter???
GFI
Al said she wanted some feedback about "the developments" and I think she can take it...but sorry it's still your birthday...I did think it was yesterday, but wth do I know?
Hope you are fine AliS, somehow I know you will be.
((( j )))
Hey - 25years - all is cool! You're absolutely right - it was yesterday - now! GFI xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx mwa!
I wasn't having a pop at you at all - in fact - opposite!
So say sorry - and mean it! LOL!!!
Best - GFI
And to be clear - I meant that in the kindest, most light-hearted way possible!!! with best of intentions and knowing that all posts are posted with the same intent...
From your warm fuzzy, furry GFI xxxx!
okay! no prob. But, what the heck is GFI? gf is girl friend, or good friend and "I" is...intelligent?? intuitive?? Inventive...insane...??? Just asking...
but am glad some progress came out of the alien at least. Don't know where it'll land him, but he's not just orbiting planet Helen anymore...
So that's good news.
(( j ))
Hey guys! THanks for your thoughts, yes I was wanting some feedback. GFI - dont worry, you werent over stepping anything, J neither. But yes, we do have sensitive English ears hey!
So to clarify 25.. I'm absolutely NOT galing in any way to get him back. He's been gone a long time, I'm actually not galing at all, I'm more back to my old self before that curtain of grief enveloped me after he left. I've always done loads of extra curricular stuff and hobbies and followed dreams. I stopped for a few years as I got ill alot.. that affected our R and he got his head turned by a woman at work (and for his own complex reasons/depression).. and now, GFI is right, none of this is about him. Its been useful though, as I have stuff to chat to him about/amuse him with on email and of course he has noticed and is impressed! DBing stresses GAL for self-esteem, but also, people do get complacent in R's hey and let go of their dreams/own interests in M, with kids too.. but I kind of wasnt int that sitch. If anything, I always GALd too much in the past!
You said "I think he needs to know the risk of losing you and seeing the great catch that you are by you GAL and being upbeat, a woman only a fool would leave...just mho." ..well the second bit, I have achieved already. He told his friend in Janmuary that I had "turned back into the girl he always wanted me to be again" - so, goal achieved there, not intentional, just by virtue of being myself again, as above! But you are right, its the first bit I'm confued about..! he is still pouring energy into an R going nowhere with Helen, at the expense of losing me, I dont get why he is bothering!!! You may not have read all my ramblings, but he has told me its not working with her, he told BMF its not right with her and he intends to break up with her. But..he now has to share an office with her for 6 weeks! So I dont blame him for not dumping her yet.
Also, he doesnt live with Helen, he actually moved out further away to a village up the coast, just as she moved into his village after christmas!!! He told BMF he doesnt see her very much, on Thursday she joined them in th pub, but went home afterwards and not back to his place. BUT, he is still in an R with her, yes.
The text was significant..he hasnt texted me for months, since he has been with her, but he did...on my BD, half way through my evening, out in a restaurant with his BMF and my BFF??? And we all knew he knew that and was invited.. my mum said its like he was with you, in mind, wishing he was there.
So no, I didnt even email him to say thanks! He texted me late on, asking if I got the present.. so I waited till the end of th night and sent a thankyou jokey text, made no reference to his footy convo and didnt even sign my name. And if he emails me this week, I am considering NOT replying, to be less available and create mystery as you said, I already wanted to do this, then my bd and this flat business got in the way.
Unfortunately, Cher is MY BFF here, and we are very close and it would be hard and very sad for me if I saw other firends.. and down in Cornwall, I dont have many other friends to see! No good friends.
Lastly, no I DONT want him to think I am waiting and available!! That was BMF fault, he told him in January.. I said to him, what did you tell him that for !!? BMF said, becuase he asked me and really wanted to know, so I told him! So, they are helping alot and good things get back to my ex, but its also perhaps not helping!
I think he is depressed, low, tired, avoidant, weak.. and he cant 'face' dumping her whilst they work together. G told me that they are not allowed to date, conflict of interest, so noone at work is allowed to know! G said he is not alright, not happy at all, but yes, will he have the courage to come back to me and will I still be waiting?
well since I am a veteran (Gulf War, and I am, seriously--) it's time we do some "recon" (reconnaissance) and "psy ops", (psychological operations). IOW, we KNOW bff and bmf are prone to talking....
SO we use the fact that they "talk" leak info, to your advantage....and you keep on GAL, BUT have some mystery to it, and hope to God that they pass it on...
Clearly he wants to know you are waiting (yes we do know that, don't we?) but the question is, now that he knows, and didn't break up with her, that's
not so great is it?
Maybe If he thought he was losing you he might have "coped" with the "inconvenience" of being around helen even though it'd be uncomfortable--so what!!
He's uncomfortable...really? Were YOU comfortable when they went off together? Gee, breaking up with OW can be awkward...how tragic for him.
Let's make it as easy on HIM as possible...good grief! (Okay, there I go, being American and all--)
Glad to hear you think you've GAL enough for him to realize you're a great catch. But he did nothing different...hmmm. What to think? I believe you have GAL if you say so, I really do.
But the fact that he's still in a R with her says one of two things: 1-either he really just wants to string you along in case he might want to someday come back, and likes knowing there's no competition, and he can take his sweet time returning if and when he wants to; OR 2- he's not man enough to deal with a relatively TINY amount of discomfort on his end at work, b/c compared to what he put you thru, so what?
Sorry honey, but I think Helen is getting the brunt of your anger and your xbf is getting off light. He's the one who was in a monogamous R with you, not her. (And if she was also in one, that's her ex bf's problem not yours). As women,
we often blame OW's more than our WAS's for cheating, and that troubles me a bit. Why do we do that?
Anyhow, that's my .02 cents, which is buying LESS AND LESS each day. Probably should increase it to a dime so we know it's still a real coin...also--if I recall correctly, you DID discuss M but decided not to for what reason? Was it you who said no? Can't recall right now but will look it up. Just trying to recall if there was a pattern of him not making hard choices. He sure isn't right now. And he owes you that. AS for his awkwardness at work for 6 weeks....come on, seriously, is that really a good enough reason to keep the knife in your chest and still be seeing her? And not you?
Psy Ops-
BMF needs to hear about you going out with a "new friend" who seems very "intriguing to you" and you just tell bmf that you're "crossing [your] fingers" and "seeing where it goes" and you make an
apparent effort to minimize the R, b/c you "don't want 'anyone' to know", as you are keeping it on the "D L", hush hush, etc.
Make sense?
Okay, "over and out" -if we really do the psy ops, we'll have to have more code names...so I'll be
"Awakened Beauty" and you can be...."Hot Woman"...unless you have something else in mind...
((( j )))
Hi J.. Thanks for your post. Although I will say, I dont really get why I have several times had people doubt my motives for GAL and I've never seen that levied at anyone else here. I'm not out sailing to win him back, I'm a Piscean, it was always my dream to live by the sea and sail/surf/kayak.. its nothing to do with him!
Its not just the inconvenience that he wont leave her. I can see it WOULD be awkward to dump her whilst they are co-working in a small office and out on site for the next 6 weeks, BUT.. I guess the reason he hasnt 'let go' of her/that R, he's not done yet, for whatever reason. Whatever he is doing, its likely to be very unconcious. Looking at your options 1 and 2, its more likely 2 - he hasnt got the emotional capacity to go through another messy breakup again right now, but she may still have some 'hold' over him also, of course.
I dont have any anger and certainly none at her? I said I felt sorry for her. I dont blame her either, not at all, I blame him entirely. I havent made any comments on my thread like that? I dont believe he is in love with her, or that she is 'the one', but I believe this R is teaching him alot, lessons he needed to learn.
As for M.. he asked me twice and I said no, becuase my Mum drummed it into me as a child, dont get M, dont have kids, keep your independence, dont let a man get the better of you, dont do what I did.. so it was me that was perhaps the commitment phobe for the first 5 years. My COMMITMENT to my ex, eventhough he has gone has been healthy for me and healed that negative childhood conditioning.
I agree, they could pass on titbits, to make him think he is 'losing me'. BUT.. he was in love with me in 1996, nearly asked me out (I hoped he would) but he chickened out.. I then met and moved in with a guy and my ex then backed right off and it took him another 2 1/2 years, until Aug 98 to blurt out how he felt (he was very drunk at the time, natch). So.. because of the way he is, I KNOW that he heard a sniff of an OM, he would just give up, back off, whatever. Wouldnt work. He's also, never been a jealous guy at all. My RL people who know him concur that it would be counterproductive. I just think it might be a dangerous game? If I met someone for real and did move on, it might be interesting to see how he reacted!
Cher told me today BMF is meeting him tommorow, as my ex needs to talk. BMF told me he is now working in an office with her at her company, so that would partly explain why the emails have slowed down - he can hardly email me when they share a room, or risk one from me popping up on screen ! What a shame..
(((Ali)))
25yearsmlc makes so much sense. What great, insightful posts!
It is easy on these non-confronting, avoidant guys not to make any moves when we enable them.
If you read your lastest post you are making so many excuses for him...
I can see it WOULD be awkward to dump her whilst they are co-working in a small office and out on site for the next 6 weeks,
Whatever he is doing, its likely to be very unconcious.
he hasnt got the emotional capacity to go through another messy breakup again right now
she may still have some 'hold' over him also
believe this R is teaching him alot, lessons he needed to learn
BMF told me he is now working in an office with her at her company, so that would partly explain why the emails have slowed down - he can hardly email me when they share a room, or risk one from me popping up on screen !
What is all this doing to you and your life Al? If he was ready to dump Helen then he would, work or no work. It is an excuse and it is second hand information from BMF that if he was really a good BMF he wouldn't be sharing with you, his best friends exgf. All this 'will he, won't he' is doing you no good. When he makes a move is when you need to start taking it seriously, until then carry on with your GALing and box it up. Respect the fact that he is not ready yet and leave the topic with BMF and BFF even if they bring it up, as tempting as it is. Dwelling is doing you no good and perpetuating stuff. You know I say this because I care.
Jx
Ali,
I have to agree w/JCJ on this one. Although I do love 25's suggestions of psych ops, I'm not sure this is the right time. I would say wait on this a bit longer, then take a look at whether or not you should work w/the covert operations...if you do, you've got a great source in 25 to use.
Anyway, I think it is time for now to let it sit and see what happens. Let them discuss it and you try to avoid any discussion w/it even if they do bring it up.
In the meantime, I'd suggest maintaining direct contact w/him weekly to "check in on him" as you would any friend. E-mail, text or phone call? You choose.
Just my thoughts from way over here in Arizona.
RTL
I didnt discuss it with BMF, I'd already decided not to.. he said a few things and I just said "well.. we are in regular contact by email".. as in, I have my own contact with him, you dont have to tell me. Ditto Cher.. she told me BMF is meeting him and I just said, I am glad ex has a good friend to talk to and asked nothing.
Rob, we are in regular contact, every few days (he emailed me twice Friday, twice Monday and texted yesterday). But I decided not to phone him tonight for 2 reasons.. one.. why should I chase him up on his mobile? I need to be more unavailable now I think. Second, I didnt completely trust myself not to be cool and casual with him and not let any whistfulness creep into my voice.
I'm not making excuses for him, in fact, I think he is cake eating. I was touched to get the present and card and yes its positive.. but the reason I didnt email or text him first, was becuase deep down, I was a little cross.. he isnt just giving to me, with no expectation.. he sent me that present for his OWN ends.. he knows he couldnt have missed my bd and not shown a little bit of care (and he made sure to put thought into it), he knows he would be pushing me too far if he had ignored it.. its wierd how it works...yes, we are in limbo by choice, but even the WAS does just enough to KEEP us in limbo. I believe thats what he's doing.
Ali - Soz - to jump in onto your thread with this -
25years - " what the heck is GFI? gf is girl friend, or good friend and "I" is...intelligent?? intuitive?? Inventive...insane...??? Just asking..."
25 - I've tried to find your thread to respond - but couldn't - so...
GFI = "GO FOR IT" - for what its worth - it was a phrase I remember using as a kid and into my teens with friends - when attempting something a bit risky and possibly out of reach, but then again might not be, given the right attitude and will...
When I registered here and was searching around in my befuddled and distressed mind at that time for something suitably meaningful to me but obscure so my W wouldn't find me - cos she knew i had started looking at this site for pointers and "comfort", thats what came up...now I'm not bothered in the same way...but I've kept that nickname cos I like it!
Hey 25...to clarify (again!) I think your posts are great, so insightful and very very helpful - I wasn't intending saying anything other than that! Was simply trying to bring a more light-hearted slant into things - which of course - can go wrong...
So... friends?
And so 25 ...do you have a thread?
Best - really!!! GFI - aka GOING FOR IT - aka in reality - Simon - there - I've said it!
PS - thanks Ali - sorry to take up this space...
Fill yer boots Simon, be my guest!
I opened the solicitors letter, they want proof of address off him! So.. gonna have to email him maybe afterall. Or, leave it 1 more day, see if he contacts me. He's seeing BMF tommorow night, the last few times, he did contact me on a Friday, after seeing BMF.. so I will have to ask him then I guess.
I have been canny and called the landlord for the flat (big company with 100+ buildings) to ask if they want to buy it back off me and they said ok, how much! So I said £10k more than the other offer and I am waiting to hear their answer! I'd rather sell to them for more money and less risk of them pulling out (doubt they will survey it, as they own the rest of the building!)
Well done you!!!
And.. its good to be "out!"
S
Ali - Soz - to jump in onto your thread with this -
25years - " what the heck is GFI? gf is girl friend, or good friend and "I" is...intelligent?? intuitive?? Inventive...insane...??? Just asking..."
25 -
Hey 25...to clarify (again!) I think your posts are great, so insightful and very very helpful - I wasn't intending saying anything other than that! Was simply trying to bring a more light-hearted slant into things - which of course - can go wrong...
So... friends?
And so 25 ...do you have a thread?
Best - really!!! GFI - aka GOING FOR IT - aka in reality - Simon - there - I've said it!
PS - thanks Ali - sorry to take up this space...
GFi, I was not referring to your name or username. Just saw it in her posts and wondered what it meant. If she was referring to you, then that's that. I had no meaning other than wanting to know if it was another acronym I'm ignorant of.
Ali, I feel a bit of defensiveness from you and I'm not sure why.
To put it bluntly I think your fears of what I might be implying are well founded so I'll just put it out there okay? I do think you are waiting around. In the back of your mind, I feel as if you are not making actual plans for your life without him factoring in heavily. Of course I could be wrong. That's just what I'm getting from the tone of your posts in this one place in your life. But that is what I'm getting... A lot of waiting and seeing...and I'm wondering why? Why wait on him at all??
He is with another woman. Dating her, living or not living with her - we only know
he is no longer living with you...and has not asked to either. He has dropped hints about you that cost and risk him NOTHING...
If that is enough for you, then I just want to say I think you deserve better. A lot better. And I'm sorry that you think he won't make an effort if he thinks it would take too much to get you back...But if he isn't the jealous type, why would another man make him run away so much - and isnt' that just a TAD hypocritical? Yes, I restate my position...you deserve better.
And fwiw about why some people say you are not GAL (which is
not what I said), I think statements that say you should "just wait and see" lead some of us to wonder about your GAL statements --- as do the very frequent contacts...other than the house sale, what else is there to talk about? (I don't recall if the house is the matter at issue or something else...but assuming there are no other financial connections and no children, what is the goal here? That your friendship will grow again and bloom back into what it once was? I'm sincerely asking).
If you think this approach is working...somehow --
AND is enough for you then do as you wish. But yeah, for the last time, I think you deserve better.... (and I'm so sorry your mother burdened you with her projections of marital misery, but GLAD that you gave that baggage back to her, or threw it away...)
((( j )))
((((Ali)))))))
So, when does the sea kayaking begin? That is something I always wanted to try when I lived in California, but never did. Now I'm land locked - closest ocean is 4 hours away now so not really feasable.
Well I called him.. only second time in 7 months. It went to answer machine after a few rings.
I thanked him for the present, said it did turn up on time (he knew that already! he had asked me by text).. said I hoped he was ok, that there was some stuff to sort out with the flat, so maybe give me a ring back sometime, said I hoped he was ok again and bye. Not really feeling good now about having to leave a message and I really should have rehearsed what I was going to say first! Too late now.
Well, I tried, maybe he rejected the call. He did 'reach out' by sending me a present and card and text. I noticed today that he sent his text at 9.15 on my birthday - I thought it had arrived right in the middle of my meal/evening. Like he was 'there', but then he did say to BMF that he 'kinda wish I was there'.
As for the above J, I guess its personal choice, to wait, as GFI and others still are. Wait and still have hope, whilst moving forward with college, hobbies, nights out, etc. I dont have a plan for my future yet, I'm at a crossroads, seeing as I gave up an 11 year path in IT to go back to college to do art and I moved away to do that..I have few friends here and there arent many career options so now I dont know where my life will go next, but it isnt dependant on him, no. I'm not selling our house, its a flat we renovated. Our house is rented out (he's never mentioned it). My goal was to get a 2nd chance at a life with him, failing that, I would like a friendship ultimately, but I dont know how we are going to get that if he wont speak to me.
there's a difference between GAL for you, and moving on without any hope of restoring your m. I mean, it's like saying that "waiting" is the same thing as Not giving up.
There's a huge difference. I GAL and did not give up. You can do both and in mho, you must. That is not only best for you, no matter what happens with your x, but also ironically the most likely way of getting the R restored.
Hope this clarifies for you what I"m suggesting. Moving forward does not mean you shut the door and lock it and never ever think of him again....it means preparing for a life on your own, making yourself the most attractive "Woman only a fool would leave" type, and shutting the door so you don't keep looking over your shoulder while knowing it is NOT locked...if he knocks, maybe you will answer and mayby you'll like what you see then. But could you get back with him now, as he is now, with nothing different in either of you?
The answer to that will tell you a lot. How is your own counselling going?
Is it helping? Sounds as if you are not in the right geographic area for a long term success story (professionally). Hope that works out too.
(( j ))
((((Al))))
Well done on biting the bullet and calling. I know you've been thinking about that for ages so it's really good that you did it. A couple of things you said about making the call stood out for me.....
Not really feeling good now about having to leave a message and I really should have rehearsed what I was going to say first!
I'm just wondering about this because it gives me the impression that you feel rehearsing the message could have made it better? From a DB perspective I think the important thing is to have called. The content of the message (as long as it's not pressure etc etc, which it wasn't) is less important.
Well, I tried, maybe he rejected the call.
The key word is MAYBE. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Maybe he was driving and couldn't answer. No assumptions!!
I would like a friendship ultimately, but I dont know how we are going to get that if he wont speak to me.
Doesn't he e-mail you every day (or close to that?). If so, that to me means he doesn't object to speaking to you. He just wasn't available to take your call. It happens! When I was wanting to build my friendship with H I made a point of telling him that I wanted to be friends. I think it helped take a lot of the pressure off him. Just a thought- I can't remember if you've said that to BF at any point?
L. xx
Hey 25! Thanks for your help, but maybe there comes a point when you can 'do no more'??... like OneDay here, wow, she was the DB/GAL queen...but they are still moving to D (sorry Lis!).
You're right, the GAL is for me, but we can leave the door open, but I got all that, ticked that box, he noticed, told his friend I am the girl he fell in love with again, blah blah.. I think he is battling his own issues, I cant 'make' him take the risk to leave ow and come back. He is avoidant, his dad died, he is depressed, he has issues that I havent posted the nature of here, that are MASSIVE and only I know about, I am sure THATS what keeps him away, as he is not acceptable to himself, so how can he think
I accept him?
As for 'nothing different'..I am totally different! Well, I am still 'me', but I was pretty neurotic and fearful and got ill alot for some years of our R and all that stopped overnight with the shock of him leaving me. He has commented to two separate friends he cant believe how much better I am, how different. As for him, I'm not sure that he has changed !! But, we still get on as well as we always did, I dont sense any distance, or unfamiliarity between us. I have had 14 months of weekly C (including 2 C's and one pyschotherapist!) but I have my last session next week. I thikn I've done my 'time' on the couch
Time on the couch can never be enough Al!!!
Al, he may get it soon, it may take him a year... What are you going to do?
Trust your self, have some faith and try to stop agonizing every day about what he thinks or feels... We talk alot and you know what I think about your sitch, but you also know that I believe you never managed to detach. And "our little break", made me realise we are back to analyzing details abit more than we should. NOT healthy. Maybe it is time to really really detach? (now, dont you dare get defensive with me cause I'll fly to Corwall with my 4x4s to knock some sense in your pretty little head...)
xxxx
K
Hey Lisa! Thanks for popping by and saying well done for calling. I was brave hey! The message wasnt too bad no.. but my BFF FIL had just died and we were both upset, then I called him. So, not the best timing!
We did email a couple of times a day, either every other days or sometimes a gap of 3 days, but its slowed down.. but then I found out he is sharing an office with her now at her company !! As for the friends thing, following Jodys advice, I sent him an email saying I accept he's in a new R, but that I hoped we could still be friends and talk now as I missed talking to him. He replied in kind. That was 5 months ago and here we are.
Hey M! I am losing faith. I felt a little bit angry.. so he can email me and go to the extent of sending me a thoughtful present (not 1, but 4) and get it in the post IN TIME for my birthday (whch is more than my friends and family managed this year!) but yet, he wont tell me where he lives, or his phone number, or see me, or take or return my call. WHY!? He has shoved me out of his life so much.. and yet his was the best present I received this year, just what I wanted, without asking! As in previous years.
Does everyone get that? Remember the Ipod and bracelet M? Well, he sent me something he REALLY thought about.. if I had bought myself a birthday present, I would have plumped for that book and the Richard Ashcroft album. Noone else in my life knows I like those things and I havent talked to him about it for 18 months. Thats a good memory !! (he normally forgets within weeks when people hint they like something).
So I know you are right M (no 4x4's or Range Rovers necessary, lol!)
We've talked before, you and I and Lisa too, about detachment, I've read about it and I have heard the phrase "lovingly detach" as opposed to just be detached, as though you no longer care. So I get the difference.. but I still dont get what detaching feels like! To me, if I detach anymore now, I just wont love him anymore. So how do I do it? I dont know why I have such a mental block over this. I talked to the C about it.
Clearly I am going to have to wait for something from him, as I was amazed BMF told me "he's knows he's going to have to see you anyway, to sort stuff out for the flat and sign stuff" - as he hadnt let me think that!
I looked again at the sentences he sent his BMF (which IS bad that Cher sent it to me!).. its upsetting to read his words, words of truth (almost) and clearly, he didnt want ME to know, hence the 'between you and me' statement. But why not? Whats he so afraid of? Why tell his BMF that he wished he could be there, but not want me to know that? Doesnt he feel sending me the thougthful presnt is a clue to his feelings !?
So how do I detach from his wierdness? Becuase his behaviour IS odd and I'm beginning to get resentful.
Hi Ali:-
"Why tell his BMF that he wished he could be there, but not want me to know that" - would you be able to put yourself in his shoes to have a stab at figuring this out?
If he had told you this...what could / would the consequences have been?
I understand the resentfulness - its very hard to keep the flag waving for a R the other person doesn't seem to want...there's no easy answer to this.
Best - GFI
Yes GFI, I feel an idiot for wanting an R with him..but why send your ex a thoughtful present and card in the post (especially when you are NOT the kind of guy to manage doing stuff like that for your own family/best friends, or if you did, its a big effort) when you are seeing someone else...wouldnt he realise that would mess with my head ???
It was sad to read his words, truth of sort that he has chosen to not share with me for the past year+. He said:
"bet you'll have a good time tonight, kinda wish i was there (between you and me..)"
Then when he was invited along, he replied:
"can't mate - wouldn't be right (unfortunately!)."
...so thats huge!! He left me! He has a gf! But.. he wishes he was with me that night??? (and he doesnt mean, just as a friend right) but why.. 'kinda' ?...why that caveat? and if kinda, then why ..unfortunately???
and why wouldnt it be right?? Is she that important then? Clearly.
So.. why make the effort to send his ex of 15+ months a present and card and text her ON HER BD at 9.20 pm, whilst I am in the restaurant, but.. doenst reply to my email from Monday, or answer or return my call. This is all driving me mad, I cant take much more, its too hard. I need closure from him. Or a chat with K!
Ali - I can see how frustrating / maddening it must be but you're driving yourself nuts with this!!!
Perhaps its a sign that the tide might be about to change but the thing about tides is that you have no control over them and you def don't have a tide timetable!!!
You've done such a great job carving a life out for yourself...have you the will to carry on with that and sit tight???
You're no idiot from wanting a R with a person you care for deeply and love - the problem comes when thats not being reciprocated - but that does not make you an idiot.
To what extent do you feel that you would be able to "manage" a straightforward friendship with him? What if he came back into your life now and said ok - lets be friends but nothing more?
Best - GFI
Your course comes to an end soonish? What if things are the same then?
Ali - you'll never be able to think yourself into his head! Most successes here come...well you know...come from getting on with life, becoming a rejuvenated person, embracing change and living it etc etc etc
Hey Al, you didn't answer me (at least not that I could find). When do you start the sea kayaking?
Hey Mish.. sorry! Its going to be a 2 day course, maybe by April, but they still havent published the dates yet! Its something I really want to do though, if I can. Chers going to come with me.
Hey GFI - I'm not so sure anymore ..."Perhaps its a sign that the tide might be about to change"... and this is EXACTLY why I feel like I am going nuts (see Kalnis thread for the Uranian explanation):
I thought the tide was changing a year ago, lat Fenruary when he kept coming over to see me and his BMF W back home told me he had drove home in tears to tell BMF he had made a mistake in leaving me. I thought it was turning when he called me every night and took me out for dinner every week and cried and told me he was sorry and depressed. I thought it was turning when we stayed overnight with me and wrapped his arms and legs around me and introduced me to friends and spent the weekend with me. Then he started dating her and stopped all contact dead with me. I thought it was turning again when he invited me for that drink in Novemeber and cried and said he didnt know what he was doing but that he missed me and it wasnt going well with her. I thought it was turning when he phoned me for an hour and twenty and sent me a christmas present. I thought things were turning in February, when I heard all those things he said, that he doesn tknow why he left, thought he had an MLC, she doesnt get him like I do, he missed me and what we had and our homelife. I thought it was turning when he was very low recently and said he was going to end it with her and then was emailing me so much more frequently and finally asking questions, showing an interest.
Nothing... never materialised. So now he sends me a present. But I called him last night, no reply, no text, no email today. I'm not seeing tides turning, I'm seeing a stagnant lake.
I could manage a friendship with him if he would allow us to have a conversation about what happened, release me from limbo, but I cant see that happening. Unless I tell him to leave me alone, which is an option.
For anyone reading this tempted to bash me/2x4 me... please dont. I just wanted to vent. But if anyones got a view to help calm me down, shoot away! Its done my head in this week that he would send me such a lovely present when really, like the counsellor I just spoke to said, all you really wanted, what would have meant more to you, was if he had just picked up the phone and asked how are you? And then for him to not even email me, it IS driving me crazy. Its so confusing.
Its clearly time for a chat!!
Ali - IMO - its time to fill your weekend with stuff to the gills - no matter what it is and go and do your best to take your mind off "it"!!! You need to treat yourself to a break from this and decompress!!!
best and x GFI
Hey GFI... I have my college work to do and I'm not even doing that !!! Cher has booked me for a night out of drinking and carousing and wants to find me a 'hottie'. I cant though, I thikn I should write my dissertation and I'm not up for finding a man. I dont seem to be getting any attention in that department anyway!
I think, on reflection (thanks K) that it is a GOOD thing that he sent me a present and one he had put thought into and as hard as my week has been since getting it from him.. it would have been harder had he NOT acknowledged my birthday, or just sent an email.
Its kind of wierd he never contacted me after my phonecall. He's never done that before. The estate agent rang today.. its all steam ahead with the flat sale, they are super keen and sounds like they may not be getting a survey. Yay! Fingers crossed. Else they will discover they are buying a steamy heapy. The contracts are going out next week, so maybe I will try and get ex to meet me the week after. And have a chat with him...
Ali - I stand by my original post ....
forget all this and go and fill your weekend will lots and lots of other stuff!!!
Simon x
Well, I've been writing my dissertation today, about ancient man observing the skies, temples, stone circles, Stonehenge, the advent of astrology, the loss of importance of these traditions to modern society.. how artists such as
Olaf Eliasson and
James Turrell ask us to stop and ponder these phemomena in a gallery setting. Hows that sound!? Its making me feel better about myself to apply myself intellectually.
I'm also considering doing a teaching certificate after this degree, so I can qualify to help disabled students with their study skills and its incredibly well paid per hour, meaning I wont have to work full time! I havent done since 2003 and I feel pretty chuffed about that and no intentions of going back to full time 9-5!!
Feel really sad today that my ex left me. We could have had such a lovely life together and lots of fun.
I agree with GFI - try to fill your thoughts with something else or you will drive yourself crazy or make yourself ill.
No 2x4 from me this time, but Ali, have you ever considered that these strange actions from him, these random acts of kindness, are coming from a place of guilt? That he has love for you as a friend and someone he once shared a large part of his life with, and who he knows he has treated badly, and so every so often his conscience pricks him and he acts kindly? It might be that he just does not realise the pain it causes you when he acts this way. He is perhaps trying to be kind but is actually being cruel?
((((HUGS)))))
...god he just phoned me. He sounds down. He's calling me back in a minute. Didnt know how to speak to him and my mouth went dry. Said hye only just got my voicemail. Figures, I do believe him.
I'll post again... sh*tting myself for some reason.
Ali--
I just read your post on another thread about the timing on the Venus retrograde and when forward progression restarts. That is VERY timely in regards to my situation and DH's homecoming from deployment. HHHMMMMMM
We will see what happens.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW
Ali, you okay? or still on the phone?
Hope it went well/ going well and she hear what he is saying and it gives you whatever it is you are looking for I guess one of two things.
Either way an end to living in limboland.
Been thinking of you since I spotted he had called,not sure why he called then said he would call back in a minute?
Hey guys - well that was nice and hard in equal measure! I've been getting alot of visualisations lately, when I talk to my C, or my BFFs, I get an image fully formed, which encapsulates how I feel as we are discussing things. For example, early on in my C, I would see myself as jumbled pieces badly glued back together, a misshapen plastic doll. Anyway....as I was talking to him, I had a sudden sharp image of him holding a baby and a profound feeling that I want to spend my life with this man and have kids with him. Isnt it extrodinary? Noone has lodged themselves so firmly in my soul as this man.
Saffie - I did consider the guilt angle with the Christmas present, because when he first left me it was just before christmas and he had got me no presents, so to make up for that and also knew he was off skiing with Helen. But now - no, my instinct told me it isnt guilt, or being nice, or even friendly (its a BIG stretch for him to be organised enough to get a present in the post, especially as he is so down). I believe he did it, as Kalni said, because he knew he couldnt ignore it, it would be too big a risk of losing the option to get back with me, to keep me hookedr.. but I doubt he thought about WHY he was doing it, he's not being 'mindful' or concious and not aware it could be hard for me, or that it might even be cruel!
Hey Naej - no end to limboland yet! We talked for an hour and 20, as we normally do.. he called back twice in fact, once to move to his car and second time to switch phones, so he didnt need to. So, it was just a chat, but he sounded very very down. He was very sweet though, I will try and post some more of the convo.
Sooooooooooo, was it good or bad? or are you still digesting?
Funny you mentioned on another thread about Venus retro and about 8 years ago. That was when my x revealed his A to me!!! and he has been in my thoughts alot lately, but no contact at all for years so not expecting anything.
Limboland has to be the worst place to be imo.
Hoping it doesn't throw you off balance and spoil your Sunday.
Ali,
When I mentioned the guilt angle I didn't mean to imply that he knew in any way he was doing things from guilt.....just that maybe deep down inside he is.
I hope that your conversation brought you some happiness.
I'm so glad you chatted and how brilliant that it was for an hour and a half! A good reconnecting tool.Patience again Al, this has been a difficult week eh.
You up to anything nice this week/ weekend? x
I am sooo happy for you. I went to the site you told some one else about for astrology readings. It about knocked my socks off. Wow. Won't get my hopes up but....
I hope this is a turning point for the two of you.
kat
Naej.. why dont you contact your ex? You had 30+ years together and 4 kids and besides, what do you have to lose by contacting him to say hi? He did contact your daughter recently didnt he? Why not hey..
Kat.. glad that helped! It is the worlds leading website! I dont think he's turning though.
Julia - yes, funny, an hour and 20 seems to be our usual limit!
The call hasnt really affected me too much, I have just been getting on with my dissertation today. I'm sure I will feel less good about it over the coming days though! He sounded bad, very down, said work was awful, his house was cold, he is tired all the time. He moaned alot about his Mum, brother, his friend at work and about work. Then he said.. I just go to bed early EVERY night. He said works so bad and he's so tired and the house is so cold, he just goes home and goes to bed. Why would he say that !!?? He's clearly in an R with her, so NOT going straught to bed (or perhaps he does, being depressed?) every night.
Bad news is, he did admit he is working on this big road project again (the one where he met her!) and he moaned alot about that and how boring it is, but that its going on for "months and months" - so thats bad as I know she is working closely with him on it. He just sounded terrible, kind of stuttering and stammery and nervous and very down. He did relax, mainly when he was telling me that he is lerning to swim and how much he is loving that. It upset me a bit, as I had nearly got him swimming lessons as a present just before he left me and he wouldnt discuss it with me (as I guess he knew he was leaving).
I gave him the choice of where the solicitors papers get sent and he agreed with me though, better they get sent here.. then he said there will be stuff for me to do and sign.. so although he didnt mention meeting up, he implied thats what we need to do and he didnt take the chance to get stuff posted directly to him at least.
He asked me lots of questions and the convo was more even this time, as opposed to previous phonecalls where he would mainly just talk about himself. It wasnt so jokey on either side though, bit more real. I admitted to having a tough time at college and a bit of artists block and stuff about my diss, whereas before I would never moan or complain or anything but be upbeat, so there was a very differnet feel to this convo.
At the end of the convo, he said "so.. you alright then?" in a very serious, emotional voice.. I ummed and ahhed and paused and then said something like, um.... well its lovely to hear from him (as I couldnt bring myself to tell him I missed him!). I made a big fuss of thanking him for the present, how touched I was, that it was very thoughtful of him (to let him know I took that effort asg a sinificant statement on his part). He said several times he had 'hoped' I would get it in time/really like the book/like the music..that he was glad. I asked him if he was ok and he sounded awful and did a "ohhh.. yeahhh.... oh alright I guess" sounding anything but. Before we said goodbye, I said it was lovely to chat to him, he said it was lovely to caht to me too, speak to you soon... oh but chat to you on email as well... He did sound so low though. Sigh.
Ali,
You know your ex, ( obviously), and none of us do.
I just want to throw a few ideas out there.
Is there a possibility that he 'acts' lower than he actually is when he either talks to you, or those who he knows will talk to you about him, because he doesn't want you to think he is having a grand time of things whilst he knows he has left you hurting and pining for him?
If the answer to that is NO, which I suspect you will say it is, then wouldn't a 180, (because let's face it things aren't really working for you at the moment - you have been stuck in this limbo for ages), be to actually either phone him or email him and be absolutely straight. Tell him, straight to him rather than letting him know through the grapevine, that you miss him and want him back. Ask him if that is a realistic hope to hold. Maybe he asked you in that serious tone how you were because he wanted you to tell him how much you miss him and want him back. You could both be pussy footing around one another and each waiting for the other to make the first move.
As I read it from your posts, you are gradually extracating yourselves from one another. You are selling this flat. I know you still have the house but each joint asset you dispose of is another link broken. Before too many links are broken why not try having a straight talk with him. It really does seem like it would be a 180 from all the things you post.
It could be just the catalyst you need to get your R with him back on track.
Hey Saffie.
No, he's had depression all his life. His Mum had it for 10 years until he was 8 and his Dad then had it for 20+ years. He has been 'melancholy' as we used to call it, all his adult life. Only I really knew the true extent of that depression, but its got worse since summer 07, but he has finally been more open about it to friends since. He's not having a grand time at all! He's utterly miserable, his friends tell me he is 'deeply unhappy' that he is 'screwed up'. Its genuine, you can see it in his (dead, tormented) eyes. I know whats really bothering him and I feel huge compassion for him because of it, but what can I do? I am the ONLY one who knows and I cant even post here about it. He shut down really after I found out, he has deep shame and self-loathing. Its really sad, but as my C said, what could you do? you were his gf, not his therapist.
It makes him sound a PITA, but he isnt, he's funny and sweet and besides, adept at 'mask wearing'. He cant wear the mask to me though, which is why I think if he saw me, he would just cry.
We own other houses jointly and theres never been any mention of selling. The flat was always 'my' project, the mortgage was only in his name becuase I was a student, he's had no involvement.
Your idea is a good one and my RL peeps agree..but I could only try it if I saw him in person. I cant do it by email, or phone. He did sound very depressed yesterday, but I did wonder if he was trying to see where I was at, by asking if I was alright. I feel fairly certain though that he must know I want him back and would want to try again? I'm sure his BMF told him, so I dont think its unknown to him! And he knows I am still single and live 1/2 hour away and could come see me anytime. Seems he wont though, because of her.
I cant imagine being 'extricated' yet, as we still get on so well and there is no closure between us. We've been the best of friends since we met in Jan 1996 and I cant imagine him not being in my life! I wonder if he feels the same? But I dont know what I can realistically do, as he is still with her, its like there is a massive wall between us (not from me) and I dont know what I can do unless he leaves her.. I dont know how to fight for him! The last twice I saw him I told him I missed him and he told me he missed me too, so we've covered that one! My feeling is he KNOWS I want him back, but would it be worth just coming out and saying that?
Your idea is a good one and my RL peeps agree..but I could only try it if I saw him in person. I cant do it by email, or phone. He did sound very depressed yesterday, but I did wonder if he was trying to see where I was at, by asking if I was alright. I feel fairly certain though that he must know I want him back and would want to try again? I'm sure his BMF told him, so I dont think its unknown to him! And he knows I am still single and live 1/2 hour away and could come see me anytime. Seems he wont though, because of her.
Let me toss this out there- you feel confident that his BMF told him that you are still wanting to try again...he might even feel confident that that same person told
you that he is unhappy in his current R. So, perhaps, before he goes and meets with you, he was looking for information straight from the horses mouth instead of the gossip that's been going around.
He may "know" but it's coming back to him thru the rumor mill. He doesn't sound strong enough to take the risk to make the first move.
I am not sure why you can't do this by phone. You say he knows you want him back. So, he took the "risk" and asked if you were alright, and then you didn't answer back (fully) honestly. He might be confused now because your answer didn't match up to the information he had.
In fact, you might have said "You know, I would really like to meet with you. How about tea today at 2pm?" Or whatever. Neither one of you seems to be honestly talking about the elephant in the living room, except via the BMF.
My two cents.
Quick Astrological Hijack--
I saw that on GG thread you said that Venus was in retrograde and asked her if something big happened in 2001.
In my sitch, my H and I went on a family vacation in July 01 that was beyond horrible and it was then that he decided he would leave once our Daughter graduated. Currently, in counseling, he is revisiting a LOT of the past and it is actually causing a LOT of disconnect between us. And finally, I believe April 17th is when he has a court date for a drunk driving arrest.
Do you see a correlation even though it was mid-01 that the 'something big' happened? Should I be happy or depressed right now? lol
End Hijack
Did you not make it obvious during the car journey before Christmas up to your parents, I can't remember now?
what saff said...you have to do something different whether it's true detachment or really opening up. Get moving so you are not stuck anymore. And don't let him determine whether you can move on or stay stuck. Only you can do that anyhow.
Guess I'm wondering about his depression too... I mean, how are you doing? forget his needs for a bit, and deal with your own. It's an interesting dynamic wherein you assume some sort of role that appoints you as his happiness barometer, but he is living with OW...it is what it is... Not a 2 x 4, but a GAL pat. And your dissertation work is interesting and exactly where some of your energy must be. Just mho.
(( j ))
Ali - there's lot of people sharing views and giving some great advice advice here...just thought I'd pop in with my 2 pence...
Ali you've done a magnificent job with carving out "you" in the face of the challenges you've faced over the last couple of years...
And you've made some great changes which are now part of "you" and not changes you'll give up... they now help define who you are...
At the same time, its clear how much effort and thinking time you put into rekindling your R with your ex - I reckon we all do actually but you're brave enough to put it up here for us all to read.
Its a paradox really - the DB doctrine is to adopt 180s / GAL and see what happens - but that is contrary to the tendency to keep posting here...you seem to have managed to deal with that...
I reckon though - that you are perplexed about some of the input you get...Ali - I think you are unique - in your preparedness to "put it all out there" - you're brave enough to say / share things many of us probably experience / think but censor before it gets here! Most folks probably push their thoughts and feelings through a filter before putting them down here...but what you're doing is exactly what the rest of us wish we could!
And so - in light of this free flow of thought - i think you should be very pleased with your life right now - I hope you don't feel discouraged - in terms of continuing to share how things are going - you're a model to us all! IMO
Best - Simon
Hey Trixi.. well, the announcement in July 01 may well have come off the back of whatever he was ruminating on April ish time. If that was the roots of your troubles, then now is a revisitation of that and is certainly linked to events of 8 years ago, for you both. Sometimes we have to go back over things in order to go forwards, so have faith that this is whats meant to be happening (should take my own advice, lol!)
As for my phonecall..I dont know, maybe he was just asking, are you alright then? But I agree, noone has mentioned the big white elephant in the room for over a year!! Its ridiculous we've never had single conversation about our breakup. I tried to suggest meeting up, but he talked over me at that moment, so either he didnt hear me, or he did that on purpose. He knows he has to see me to sign stuff in the next 2 weeks, so I am counting on seeing him.
Hey Julia..yes, there was a conversation where I said I felt stupid, you must think I am an idiot.. he said "why !?" and I said "because of how I feel" (I feel, not feel about you, but he got my meaning).
Hey 25... He's not living with her! And I'm not his happiness barometer? I havent asked him about his depression/AD's/C since last July. I only mention it here because I am reporting.. and Saffie asked!
Which takes me to Simons point.. thanks Simon.. I have finally twigged that I am perhaps a bit unusual. I am an open book, I tell it how it is, no filter and post ALL the details, here. In RL, not so much (especially not to Cher!) but I do still have people in my life (my BFF and my Mum really) who ask me every day, how are you, how are things, have you heard from him today... even my Dad, bless him! 16 months on and my ex is as alive in their minds as he is in mine. I guess we all loved him. My Dad misses his SIL.
Well..thankyou Trixi, Kat, Julia, SWM, Naej, 25, Saffie, GFI, anyone else? I am trying to decide what I can 'do', having read all your input, as Simon says, to break this impasse. I guess I need to be brave and be honest with my ex, as he isnt going to be. Kalni suggested I write a letter, which is one option, but I still find that prospect a bit scary (for me, it would be a goodbye letter and I guess I'm not ready yet). Plus I wanted all along, to just talk to him and not write to him, if possible.
I dont think I can be honest, or confriot him yet though.. I havent got time for the fallout emotionally, as I need to finish my degree, I have SO much work to do, but it ends on 26th May..which feels a long way off, but isnt really. So maybe I need to stay patient? At least until late April and I am into the home stretch.
In the meantime.. I might try be a little more open and honest with him on the email, so far our converesation is pretty narrow and safe, neither of us ever mention the weekends, for example. He did say he has to go home soon, to do jobs on his house.. I said, I need to go back too, but he didnt 'bite' sadly. I need to tell him tommorow maybe, that our friends dad died, so maybe I will do that as an experiment in more 'real' and honest communication (by email !)
Ali - no matter what - you need to pass on that news...thats a non - negotiable....!
Do it now!
Sx
ali -
"that our friends dad died"
did you do it? if not you should....
Sx
The flat sale is proceeding, but I am waiting to hear if the landlord wants to buy it instead, for more money. So I just said a funny thing to my solicitor "Shh.. secret squirrel!". I think she understood my instruction
Well Simon, he knew my BFFs FIL was dying, he got on well with her H, but they havent been in contact for 2 years+, plus after initially asking for news he hasnt bothered for ages. But.. yes, I will tell him.
Been doing lots of thinking, this has all been so confusing for me. He does keep contacting me, but he wont see me. His BMF tells me he misses me and apparently thinks about me all the time, when he's with her/talking to her, misses our homelife etc, but its not obvious by his actions is it? Yes he sent me a birthday present and said he 'kinda wished he could be there', but he wasnt, nor did he arrange another night out to see me. Is he just really moral? Does he really not want to see me at all whilst with her, whether its going to last or not? If I was so precious to him, he would find a way to see me, wouldn't he, s*d what she thinks. Is he still processing/undecided? What would he do if I stopped being nice to him?
Guess I am feeling angry. Oh dear! Mars went into Pisces at the weekend, we have to gaurd against anger and harsh words spoken in haste. I need to find some patience for the next 6 weeks.
..he doesnt want to buy it and then discovered I didnt get permission from them, or building regs, when I converted it from a 1 to a 2 bed flat and moved the bathroom.. SH*T!!! My solicitor said they will want to see planning permission and building regs.. so, oh no, I just..sort of.. built some new rooms and stuff.. oops!!!
I didnt think internal walls mattered! They might ask me to put it back how it was, then I'm b*ggered.
In other news... Cher emailed me about her weekend and having heard my ex called, said to me...
"Well its lovely that he phoned you. I think he did get that contract in Helens office so I doubt he has done anything about her but I believe he isn't seeing that much of her."
I suspected he got the contract as he admitted to being back on that big road project (the one he worked closely with her June 2007!) and did tell me how frustrating and boring and sick of it he is!
Must feel wierd for them.. back then, he was with me, they were obviously chatting and flirting all day and it was enough of a pull to leave a 9 year R. He told me he is back out in the same valley retesting, but now he is sharing an office and out with her again and - he got what he wanted, or what he thought he wanted.. her.. but 18 months on, he still misses me and is miserable! Thats surely got to make him think!?
Ali,
Look into getting retrospective planning permission. As long as what you have done meets building regs, and the building isn't listed or anything, there is a fine chance you will be ok. It will be the bathroom that will be the sticking point I would have thought. Also it depends on any stipulations there may be in the deeds regarding alterations.
Hey Al,
That bathroom thing is a pain. You'll need to get a regularisation certificate from your local bui;ding regs department (see the council's website). I think the fee is about £140 and you have to fill out some forms and get the new bathroom inspected to make sure it complies (and if not they'll prescribe some work that needs doing before they can approve the change). A bigger hassle might be getting the freeholders permission for the conversion, but your solicitor should be able to deal with that. The good news is that I don't think bathroom moving requires planning permission (I moved a kitchen in a flat a few years ago and that was just building regs, not planning permission).
Hope your day's going OK otherwise. Try not to overthink the situation- there are no answers!!
L. xx
Hey guys, thanks for your help!!! I am panicking a bit now! Nice to see you Lisa
The bathroom is in the same place, but I changed the layout and rejigged the internal walls and took some out. One was in a stairwell and I had a feeling it wouldnt pass fire regs, as you cant have 2 flights of stairs to a top floor without a doorway (which I removed as it is a beautiful sweeping staircase in a period building!). I did the walls to regulation, but I didnt get it checked. I winged it basically, and the universe is trying to teach me a lesson! I have managed to pull off all kinds of things over the years, with property, but my luck had to run out one day. I think its about to!!
So I may need building regs, but I will need the freeholders persmission, which I didnt get! They are now aware this morning. My solicitor said, wait and see what theit solicitor asks for and we'll take it from there.
I'm feeling better about my ex this morning.. I KNOW now he is utterly miserable and stuck in a dusty office with her, on a project he is sick of, in a job he hates, with a gf he wants to get away from and an ex he misses (cos I am lovely!) and that that is the situation for the next 6 weeks at least, so.. I just need to get on with my course and get through the next 6 weeks (I said I had to be patient for 6 weeks, maybe 8, I doubt he will dump her immediately).
Been doing lots of thinking, this has all been so confusing for me. He does keep contacting me, but he wont see me. His BMF tells me he misses me and apparently thinks about me all the time, when he's with her/talking to her, misses our homelife etc, but its not obvious by his actions is it? Yes he sent me a birthday present and said he 'kinda wished he could be there', but he wasnt, nor did he arrange another night out to see me. Is he just really moral? Does he really not want to see me at all whilst with her, whether its going to last or not? If I was so precious to him, he would find a way to see me, wouldn't he, s*d what she thinks. Is he still processing/undecided? What would he do if I stopped being nice to him?
Well, just a few questions. What would it take for you to move on and stop spending all this energy on wondering why he does what he does? Is it realistic to think he'll come out and Declare to you that he will never want to live with you again? If that is not realistic (and I don't think he is the "declaratory" type) then what is it, that is enough for you?
You said you wanted to be friends with him but when he does things friends do, like getting a thoughtful gift, it causes you pain and confusion. I understand that. I really do. But you are putting yourself in a bind b/c it's not really true that you want to be friends with him, except as a basis for more...
I know you've made personal 180's. But you still spend so much internal time on him...wondering and analyzing. Do you have a timeline in your heart about how long you'll do this until you stop?
Just some thoughts. Sorry about the flat situation. I hate the whole permit thing b/c when it comes to "safety issues" sure that's one thing, but some of it I swear is just governmental agencies trying to justify their jobs and fees...good luck on that.
(( j ))
Hey 25..
I do want to be friends with him.. IN TIME.. if we are not going to reconcile, but not yet hey! I'm clearly not over this guy. Yes I miss him, but the emotion needs to die down for us to be friends.
No timeline, I set them twice and they came and went. I dont have any answers I am afraid, its just acceptance, that this seems to have been a very wierd and painful time in my life, which has taken its toll on me. I hear the frustration in some of you and others posts, like.. why dont I get it, why dont I move on ?! Well, I havent and I'm no more likely to, having read your words, than 3 C's and 16 months apart has made me! The presents ARE confusing, of course they are, bittersweet.
I'm no different to lots of people here, but what he did was so devastating, we had a happy life together and he dumped me on a sixpence with no explanation. We didnt even have a single row.
I think I am stuck in one of the stages of grief and I need resolution.. thats what I was posting before, I cant try and get that until I finish my college work. That just has to take precedence.
I need to cycle through it here, its part of my grieving process. One day, I will wake up and I wont need to anymore. I guess this is an online journal for me, but I realise its a public forum too.
I wonder if I should just stop posting for a while though.
Ali,
This is a completely difficult spot to be in, I'm sure. You know there are feelings there, but you also know he's not acting on them either.
I agree w/an earlier poster who said xBF is able to work this his way w/little risk on his part. As long as there is no risk for him, there is no reason for him to make a decisive move.
Here is a story may make some sense to you about my father:
My father and my step-mother dated for over 20 years (yes, the man had two former marriages and I guess he was hesitant to jump into a 3rd). Anyway, my step-mother met someone, out of the blue, and they began to have feelings for each other. She was considering leaving my father b/c he wasn't open emotionally to her, even after 20+ years.
So, once my father learned there was another suitor, he had to make a decision - let down his guard or lose the woman he loved. She's my step-mother now, so you can guess how this turned out. The point is, until my father had a risk involved, he didn't have to do anything. I think your xBF is the same way.
Does that mean you should find a man to make him jealous and force him to act? No, b/c that wouldn't be like you and would be dishonest. However, if one comes along, you know, out of the blue, I do hope you won't shy away from it.
You also said:
"Been doing lots of thinking..." and that's what worries me, Love.
No, seriously, you are in a place where I wasn't fortunate enough to be in. I'm not sure what to tell you to do, but the more you can find the way to move forward emotionally, the better you'll be.
As for posting, I think this forum is great as a journaling source. However, it is public, so you will have your "thoughts" read and analyzed a bit. As long as you keep in mind that we're all looking out for each other, this is fine. However, if you get to the point where you are tired of "advice" then taking a break is completely understandable.
Finally, you said:
I think I am stuck in one of the stages of grief and I need resolution.. thats what I was posting before, I cant try and get that until I finish my college work. That just has to take precedence.
Kind of like Dante's Hell, eh?
I agree w/you that you very well may be stuck and resolution is exactly what you need. The question is, how do you get resolution and when? If you need to finish your school work, is it possible to put your resolution needs "out of mind" as best as possible until that is done?
If not, then you may want to look at getting your resolution finished regardless of where you are w/your school. Subconsciously, you may be using school as a crutch to avoid the resolution b/c the answer may not be what you (and all of us here) are hoping to hear.
Do you have a Spring Break coming up? That may be an opportunity to "finalize things" a bit.
Again, just my observations, so take them for what they are worth (or throw them out if they are worthless).
Still in your corner and not planning on vacating any time soon, Princess.
RTL
This may be way off so ignore it if you think I,ve had too many glasses of wine BUT I think you maybe need a man who has the potential to sweep you off your feet (not xbf someone new) and dependant on how you feel about it you will view how and why xbf behaves in a completely different light.
I know you are self sufficient but I think you are a person who thrives in a relationship (as many of us do) and you find it hard to let go off this rel. because you feel this might be your last chance-which btw is utter rubbish b/c you are obviously a funny and passionate lady but then are feelings and thoughts are often removed from reality.
Anyway thats what I am thinking ok shoot me down now.
Dear Ali,
Here's where I'm truly coming from. In the past 14 months, there have been 3 deaths of people close to me, including 2 in my family, and a dear next door neighbor, mother of 4, at the age of 42 out of the blue. (Can't even go there with that story b/c it hurts too much even now...) and my mil has terminal cancer so h is there with her now.
Life is short, and tomorrow is promised to no one. The R with your x is whatever it is. But it is one thing for sure, and that's an obstacle to you finding happiness with a another man; a healthier happier man who'll never doubt his feelings for you, or what to do with them, or that he treasures time with you.
My God, don't waste too much of such a finite resource as our time on earth. We don't know how much of it we have. What do you want to look back on? What are you missing? Sadly, you won't ever know if your focus is always on someone who may be permanently unattainable...
So, forgive me if I am speaking out of turn. But something has hit me hard these past months and it's a sense of urgency about our time on earth. A sense that I"ve already wasted so much time worrying about crap I never had control over, or responsibility for, anyhow...and life is precious and sooo short. And you don't get a warning sometimes. My neighbor had 1 minute of a bad headache, said "something's wrong, my head is pounding..." and she was gone. 4 kids and a shell shocked h....
Use whatever time you have on this planet really well.
xoxo
((( j )))
Hey J,
after reading your post I am sure I entered MLC... I have this feeling of urgency and time going wasted, fighting to "fix" something that may never be fixed while there are people out there capable of loving that "get it". BUT, we all make choices and as you told me, we dont want to go back thinking "what was I thinking then?".
Al, I know you love your x. And I know you feel discouraged to go on "fighting" for your dream. Just keep in mind that people react to what they read and they dont want to hurt you, just trying to help, trying to give you another perspective...
Try to relax a bit, focus on your college work, flat etc etc. Let time do its work. There is no hurry as long as you are taking care of yourself and you are having fun...
xxx
K
Hey Rob - Thanks for the story! And you are right, it wouldnt be appropriate in my sitch to get an OM, I knew all along that wouldnt 'work'. Of course if I met one, sure, that would be great for me! But that hasnt happened so far. I have got spring break from Friday and I have to see him next week to sign the papers that just arrived! I'm not 'ready' to see him yet though, so I wont tell him they are here yet.
Naej - This is real life I guess, not the movies. I do prefer to be in an R! Life is more fun when you have a partner to share it with. So I go out, dress up, flirt, meet new people... wouldnt we all love to be 'swept off our feet', but thats a rarity and especially as you get older and eligible men are thinner on the ground.
Hey 25, I respect thats a lesson you are learning right now, but I feel the contrary, that time has been standing still. I cant move forwards until this huge part of my life (a third) has been resolved. I'm sorry, but I just cant. I've never been so 'stuck' before, its that damn Saturn on my Sun
Hey K.. thanks for that. It is hard to keep fighting when even a board where we are helping one another to ressurect an R seems to want me to give up! Remember last year when we all helped one another to see the positives and the 'baby steps'!? Well, we both gave up doing that long ago, but it seems to be working in reverse now! Personally, I think it was a sign he isnt done with me, that he took the trouble to post me a present in his depressed miserable state (something that he rarely managed for his BMF in Wales year after year and would berate himself for) and also, that he admitted he wished he was there on my BD and it was 'unfortunate' that he couldnt be. The fat lady hasnt sung yet, has she.
I just need to see him, I've been saying that for months now and its true. I know he's not done, but I am losing faith he will come back. I guess Rob summed it up pretty much.. "This is a completely difficult spot to be in, I'm sure. You know there are feelings there, but you also know he's not acting on them either."
I wanted to answer something which is the crux of why I'm stil here. Yes, as K said, I still love him, but theres something else I am struggling with, espeically after chatting to him for an hour and twenty!
Naej, you raised something that others perhaps think "you find it hard to let go off this rel. because you feel this might be your last chance-which btw is utter rubbish"
..actually, I've never once debated that with myself, I've never felt, or weighed up the prospect that this R is my last chance and thats why I hang on. Its not that at all. The problem I have is...(and I analysed this some months ago, typical me!).. of all the people I have ever met in my life, male, female, through school, at work.. my ex is my favourite person. If I had to choose one friend to be on a desert island with, I'd choose him.
He's funny, very funny, sweet, charming, kind, soft, never ever once raised his voice to me, considerate, deeply caring (he used to lay out his clothes in another room at night, so the rustling wouldnt wake me when he dressed in the morning, for example), he was ALWAYS right behind me, supportive of everything and anything I wanted to do (right up until this flat project, and then he, quite rightly snapped), he was proud of me, my biggest fan, my best friend, my rock and most importantly, he 'gets me' like noone else really. And from what he has said before and since we broke up, I was all these things to him too, strangely. I'm blessed with some great BFF's, but I still could be 100% honest with him more so than even BFF, because an R with a partner is that little bit more intimate isnt it, so there is a difference. On top of that, yes he's flawed and depressive, but I never tired of his company or complained about him, ever.
And I miss all that terribly. Guess its that soulmate feeling, for me anyway. Thats why I have hung on.
and its makes me cry just to remember all of that. Guess I need more time to get over him.
So why not get up your courage and tell HIM that? People like that don't come around often, sometimes you have to take the leap of faith. If the other person doesn't take that leap with you, not much you can do about that.
And don't be upset if he doesn't say it all right back to you (right now anyhow) because sometimes having the mirror put up to your face is hard to take even when it is good.
We all hide way more than we should. When you truly care about someone, you should say it even it is difficult or out of character. Maybe you are just assuming he know you feel all of this?
I believe in love Ali, as if you couldn't tell. Life is to short to let it pass you by.
kat
Ali, you certainly have been soul searching and I do completetely know how you feel. Honestly I do. I felt the same about my x and we had a lifetime together for which I shall always be grateful.
I believe / hope I may find love again. It will not be the same but it can be as good if not better.
I also agree that you should tell him face to face all what you have written. Now that will take ever ounze of courage you posess and the biggie is are you prepared to do that and accept whatever it results in.
I feel the time may never be right because of xyz. No time will be right if you only want one result.
Right now you are far from ready for that imo!Yet how can I know that. You may have that courage and deeper reserves than we can possibly know just from reading your posts.
Part of what prompted me to be so bold was as others have said just reading your posts.
You say you have never dated you just fall in love and end up in a relationship-I get from that rightly or wrongly you are impulsive and sensual (not purely sexual-I think there is a difference)
Also you are not a youngster(apologies) your body clock must be ticking loud and clear if you hope to have a family. I think you have made reference to this at some stage.
It takes time to build up most relationships, go through the preliminaries and then onto long term rel. /or marriage and then start a family.
Maybe better to hang on to what you know and love/need, than to risk losing the hope and have to start back at day 0ne.
Ali,I get the impression your bf has always had depression in some form or other and you can live with that or you can make a difference to it.
What you cannot live with is the fact he just left, no arguments you said, just gone.
You have put together all the missing peices by putting dates together bits of info gleaned, comments secondhand from others and the astrological info. You need the reason straight from the horses mouth.
How do you suppose this will come about.
One last thing is that all the things /qualities you ascribed to your x that you love are actually in a lot of people, you just haven't met them yet.
The bottom line is how to you confront a person who is conflict avoidant and runs for the hills?
You cannot make him profess his love for you or tell you what a huge mistake he has made,she means nothing to him etc
YOU can tell him HONESTLY in plain english, all senteneces finished, i's crossed and t's dotted so as to leave him in no doubt how you feel.No thinking he knows this, he has heard it from friends etc, No wriggle room, no if onlys after the conversation but to do that you have to be prepared for whatever answer he gives whether you like it or not and no back up plans to explain away his answer with reasons why he said it but just a willingness to accept.
Acceptance now that is hard.
Sorry for the long post but I was moved by your answer and I don't want you to feel I have negative thoughts about your situation.
Al,
there are people on this board whose spouses have remarried, had babies, moved in other countries/continents and are still hung on to the possibility of a change of heart. There are other's that keep going because they get a phone call every couple of months and an hour together every 3. That doesn't mean I think that is what they should do, in fact I think they shouldn't, but it's their choice and their choice only for whatever reasons. You are making a choice to stand for your relationship. Based on your feelings. That's ok. BUT, when your mind starts demanding to be heard, then you should probably listen...
I agree with naej and kat, and I've told you also, you need to have an honest discussion with him. You may never get an answer but you at least NEED to speak out what's in your heart.
No one here is telling to just quit. EVERYONE tells you, to put ALI first.
K
Hey girls, thanks.. I feel pretty low today. It always hits me a few days after I have contact with him. Its the not knowing, the charade, the pretence. I know. I know I should talk to him, but I cant face it. He didnt allow an honest conversation between us from the minute this started in June 2007 and he's been pretty powerful in silencing me since. He wont give me an inch. Its symbolic that he wont give me his address or phone number. He wont even be pinned down to a meeting (but he can email/phone/send me presents). Guess I am one of those who has had only one phonecall in a few months and a few hours of his time hey.
And no... I never thought he was capable of behaving like that. Thats hard to swallow too.
Putting me first for now involves desperately trying to finish this degree, which is a struggle.
And no, I dont understand dating, you're either into someone, or you arent! But I would give it a go, if I got asked out by someone I found attractive, but that hasnt happened! I think children is unlikely for me Naej, my Nan was 39 when she hit the menopause, so I'm not really making any plans in that department.
Perhaps I will try and see him and talk to him then.. I'm thinking next week. I'm out with Cher Friday night to celebrate finishing my dissertation, then I may go home for a long weekend.
Theres a New moon on the 26th linked to Venus, I think thats a good day to see him. Its a Thursday.
I've nearly written my dissertation !! I'm just tidying it now and little bits to add.. two days to go.. then its a vodka frenzy Friday night with Cher! Christ, I'm too old for all of this...
I just had a thought.. my ex is keeping me 'in reserve' - he's not done with me, but he's sticking with the woman he left me for, but its not going well.. still, a part of him must be mourning the loss of that dream. She must've seemed so alluring and exciting, standing out in that field back in June 2007, framed by a JCB digger, clutching a sample pot, lol. And yet, it hasnt quite manifested the way I am sure he imagined it. Its falling to sh*t if BMF is to be believed. So why doesnt he give up, let go? He is hanging onto a dream perhaps as much as I am.. is mine any more likely to come good than his is?
I just really really really need to see him ! Which means I REALLY need to get my haircut.
Oh Ali
you crack me up with your "Thoughts" sometimes in a good way sometimes not, but remember what happened to Samson when he had his hair cut? that's all I am saying.
I say this all the time and I do truly believe it and that is.....
sometimes there just are no answers.
Good luck with the dissertation.
Go easy on the vodka have some respect for your liver.
Ali,
Don't get me wrong. My sense of urgency is the lesson I'm getting from the universe right now, you're right.
But you don't HAVE to drop him and find another man. I just wanted to remind you of how precious life is, and how short. If that motivates you to call him up and take that risk, GOOD! Or leave, or stay...but do it knowing that you don't know, how long any of us have. Leave nothing unsaid, nothing untried, and someday that will include either moving on, or reconciling. Just don't stay stuck in neutral for too long. It hurts and life should not hurt so much for so long. It doesn't have to. ....make sense?
Make yourself happy on this short trip here. No one else can, or will. Just curious too, what do YOU think it would take for you to feel you could move on? IOW, what would "closure" look like, other than a reconciliation? Can you visulize that at all yet? Just asking...
((( j )))
No! I cant sadly 25. I'd like to just be normal with him, either way though. All those years, he was just, I dont know, someone I felt 100 % secure with and I could be 100% myself with and now? Theres no naturalness in the way I talk to him and I hate that. We used to meet for lunch every day, back in 98, and chat and natter and joke around, but it was just like you are with your family, you know? Completely yourself, no pretence. So thats what I would like in terms of an end to this.. a return to being able to be myself and talk to him freely, if and when I saw him (which is unlikely to be often, I know).
Everyone keeps telling me that Naej..he even said as much himself at the bomb ("you'll probably never understand" was the long and short of his explanation) but I'm not giving up yet on the no answers thing!
..but gosh 25... did you see the news about
Natasha Richardson??? So sad, reminds me of the story of your neighbour. Terrible, she developed brain swelling within the hour and that was it.
Natasha? YES crap yes I did and that was EXACTLY what I was feeling....
((( j ))))