Well it turns out it is an ok morning. Went to bed early and woke up at 5:30. WHY? Got up and did some light cleaning, then I layed back down until the alarm went off.
Yesterday, oh yesterday. I said in the last thread how I was texting her all day. Then I left her alone after the children called from their day at school.
Most of the texting was because my daughter was upset on Sunday and threw up or something. Wife tried to blame it on me stating that I caused her to be upset. I said no that was you. You dropped them off at 6:30 stayed for a 1/2 hour and then left. Then you didn't bother to call me to tell me what was going on. I'm in the dark wondering where they are and what time I'm going to get them tomorrow. You don't answer your phone. I asked your Dad in a favor to have them kids call me at 10. They didn't. Then your Dad agreed he would bring the kids to me at 11 on Sunday. You didn't have the decency to confirm any of this. Then you started texting me on Sunday that you wanted to be with them. You should have been with them the night before, but you would rather be with someone else. Your Dad flipped out on me. That is what upset daughter. Because we can not read your mind, and you put the kids in the middle of it.
So I left her alone. I think I must of texted her 20 things during the day. I must of hit a nerve.
Then boom cha ka lucka. The pig girl starts spewing venom on me through text. She is pi$$ed because I was running my mouth about her to my wife. I said b girl, why does it matter what I say to my wife about you. You are taking this out of context. More venom and cursing. I said you are a verbal abuser, and you teach my wife. I don't need it.
I keep my cool with her. I told her to stop validating my wifes piss poor behavior. She then told me it was none of my business where my wife went Saturday night. I text I didn't ask where she was. I just told her I know she wasn't with her kids. Because she doesn't want to be with her kids. She dumped them on her mother.
I said you are the same way b girl. You can't stand your kids. You use the same language towards me as you do to your children I witnessed it.
She text. You don't know nothing about me, you MF. I don't need no man telling me about my business.
I said you see that is the verbal abuse both of you use towards your partners. You provoke us till we snap.
She text. For your information I have a man and I'm very much in love with him.
I text. Well hopefully you will learn to keep him and not provoke him with verbal abuse.
I text. Whatever have a good night, and tell my wife I love her.
She text. If you loved her then she would be home.
I text: I do love her, but she needs to make the first step towards love.
She text: Step up....
Anyways very fruitless, but I need to step up. I text step up. I give that woman everything. I'm a straight A student. I went to work everyday. Whatever she wanted she got. She wanted another bedroom. She got a giant addition. What did I get. Constant verbal abuse?
I text step up. I am the Mother and Father now.
Like I said friutless. This woman needs to get her claws out of my wife. She is dragging her down into her pit. Has been for years.
Then the kids want ice cream and we are on our way home. I want to be Mr. Nice guy and let her see the kids. They are not busy at the store so we stop and get out. I said to her. Why did you sick your girl friend on me. She said because I was running my mouth. I said that was between you and I not her.
Because I said the same thing to my wife in text. I said your teacher the b girl is a verbal abuser and both of you provoke your partners to snap. Then you act like her now. You don't want to be with your kids because you can't stand them. Your sister is the same way, that is why her kids are always at your parents. She just comes over when she feels like being a mom. It doesn't work that way.
Then she wanted me to pay for the ice cream. I never had to before, and they are just kiddie cups. You don't have to pay for kiddie cups. I give her three dollars and tell her to keep the change. She said just leave and don't annoy me at work. She said in front of her worker. Thanks I'll use it towards the child support. These people do not want to her our problems.
Man I lost it. I opened the window and told her that it is you creating the problems, and that comment was out of line.
I walked away. She opened the window and said. I love you kids. I said no you don't, and walked away.
When I got home I texted her. If you loved the kids you wouldn't be doing what you are doing. That comment in front of your workers was out of line.
At twenty to nine I had the kids call her. I told her that her poor daughter is still doing home work. She said that homework shouldn't take that long and if it does then the teacher needs told. I told her son is eating, again.
I wanted to make sure she knew he was eating because she texting me yesterday that son was hungry when they got home and she said make sure I feed them. (All those kids do is eat.)
She picked them up. I told her to come to me. She said what? I gave her a big hug and held her for about a minute. She kept her hands on my sides. It was nice. Then I kissed her cheek.
Out in the car. I'm trying to explain to her about everything. I need PJ clothes because the kids took them all. I also put $6.50 in sons baggie for lunch, they are having grilled cheese tomorrow and they both want a hot lunch. I said I filled out the emergency contact information forms. She was mad because she wanted to fill it out with more numbers. I said I put your mom your sister and all our numbers on it. There is still room for additional number. The children start interupting. I ask them to stop it because I do not want to forget anything I need to tell mommy. She says hurry up your wasting my gas, just text me with whatever you forget. I said dear knock it off I'll fill your tank up ten times. She get all pi$$y. She starts to back off. I said burn the anger (wifes name)
This morning the kids did call me. I wished D good luck with the spelling test and asked her if she remembered the words she had trouble with. She said yes. I said ok, have a great day, I love you. She says I love you too. Then I tell her to put on her brother. Then I'm talking to son. He is all cranky. I said son please be good for mommy, don't give her a hard time. I tell him I love him, and I put on mommy.
I'm on the phone and no one is there. I can hear her talking. I keep saying hello. Then my wife says Oh sh|t I'll call you right back. She probally dropped something or whatever.
She called back. I said I'm confused about your schedule. It says 10 to question mark, and then 4 till close. She said oh don't worry about it, B girl is alone today so I might go in for a couple of hours during her shift, but I'm working tonight. I said are you going to take the kids to your moms. She said it depends on how busy the store is. I'll call and let you know.
Ok good bye.
Then a half hour later. I text her. During prayers last night your son prayed no more living in two houses.
She text 10 minutes later. Y didn't you check daughters 10 page home work. She was checking it when we got home.
I text. I did check it. She said it isn't due until Friday. But she is an overachiever. She want's A's. She has drive.
The saga... Is about parenting.
Now I have become the single parent that is the mother and the father. She always felt like she was the single parent. She is trying to throw this in my face. Difference is, I worked she stayed at home. That stuff was her job as far as I was concerned. I helped when I could. I had allot on my plate. Building an addition, putting in a kitchen, building a deck, and going to school full time. Then I also had to go to work.
She thinks that now since she works, all of the responsibility is on me. She is never around the kids and she works almost every night. She only deals with them at night, and in the morning. After school for about a half hour and that is it.
When she doesn't feel like being a mother on her days off, she dumps them on her mom and goes out. She sneaks out. She doesn't want me to know what she is up too. However I told her I don't care what she does. Just stop hurting the kids, and stop putting them in the middle. She said well my mother wanted them to stay with her.
I'm done with this. The kids are my priority. They will stay with me not your mother.
Everything with her has to be a pigeon hole. She looks for a needle in a hay stack to find fault.
She picked them up. I told her to come to me. She said what? I gave her a big hug and held her for about a minute. She kept her hands on my sides. It was nice. Then I kissed her cheek.
huh?
your w or your d?
My wife. I hugged my wife. Because I haven't gotten a hug from her in so long. I know I should not bother with her, but even the dogs get scraps from the masters table.
I always kiss the children.
You see this whole hug thing was very much a part of us during Waw@home stage, and even in the first two months of seperation.
I always hugged her when I left for work, and I always hugged her when she got home from work. Etc... After she got home from work. I would usually cuddle with her. We would watch Frasier and cuddle. Sometimes I would take it a little too far. I would either get lucky or get denied.
During the seperation she came at day two and we ML. Then every time she would come to the house she would want me to kiss her on the cheek.
During waw@home when she would leave for work. She sometimes would kiss me on the lips.
Now there isn't no hugs. None initiated from her. Which confuses me. Because she gave me that line. I never felt like you loved me. So I was overly affectionate.
Then we would exchange I love you's.
Now nothing. I don't say it anymore, because I got burned about three times. Plus I got conked on the head for saying it. Which is confusing because sometimes she would initiate it. Mostly me though. Which confuses because of the line never felt like you loved me.
Then it felt like she was coming down from the mother ship for a minutes, and then zoom right back up.
Well now it feels like she is staying up there.
Was she being somewhat affectionate playing games with me because she wanted to come in the house and do laundry everyday.
Who knows... what those woman think.
Here is something interesting. This was mentioned and I think there is some truth to it. Son who would never leave his momma's side stay with me. Hoping to bring us together. Daughter who was Daddy's little buddy would always stay with her. Hoping to bring us together.
I know this seperation is really hurting the kids. I mean for my six year son to say in prayer last night. No more living in two houses. That just kills me.
Now do I want her to come back because of guilt. Really I don't care how she comes back. As long as she comes back. If she is willing to work at it. Only if she is willing to work at it.
Your arguing, calling your W names, harassing her with so many calls, getting into it with her Dad is also hurting the kids, since you seem to do it in front of them a LOT. Why don't you stop it? Do a 180.
Phil, please tell us that these rage-filled conversations are not happening in front of "those children." Please tell me they don't hear you say she doesn't love them, she can't stand being with them, she dumps them on her parents. Because if they are witnessing these conversations, it is doing them permanent harm. Your daughter is overachieving to be sure she's still loved, your son is praying about the situation, they're interrupting your conversations because they don't want them to turn ugly. Please stop this in front of the children.
I know I've been banned from your thread. But you know what? I don't care when it's something this blatant and this damaging. You have to stop this.
you want her to come back? don't text her for 2 weeks, that will be a good start. SHE wants you to "step up". Let her cool down. be back, link all your threads for me please
Phil,
I know you're an angry person but please look at this from your kids POV. Phoenix and HM are right in what they're telling you to do.
I just want you to stop hurting your kids. Any time you talk badly about their mother in front of them they are hurting. YOU are doing this to them, yet you claim to love them. Stop it.
I con't care what happens to your W, what you call her, etc. She's an adult. However, what you're doing is definitely not making points with her. Is that what you're aiming for?
No Phoenyx... I don't have time to link all my threads.
No Hoosier... They are not in front of the kids. Now go away. You think you know it all you don't. My daughter was an overachiever with school because she gets it from me. I am an overachiever. Wife is underachiever. Guess what son has the same trait.
Now please Hoosier, knock it off. You are not banned. You were asked not to post to me.
No the children interupt because they always interupt. That is why wife and I grew apart, and never had time together. GET IT! Now take your psychobabble and hit the road. Stop bogging me down with nonsense.
NO GOING DARK DOES NOT WORK WITH THIS WOMAN. SHE THROWS IT IN MY FACE. THAT I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH THE KIDS. I DO NOT ANSWER MY PHONE ETC...
Now everyone... Things are calm. LP is cool. Everytime I implement advice it back fires.
Yesterday was a major major backslide. Blaming her etc... Got so bad she called for additional forces from the validating pig girl.
She knows I'm right... She can't push my buttons either. Every little thing she tries to get my goat isn't working.
Why does she continue to look for fault in every little thing? Why is she still running?
Your arguing, calling your W names, harassing her with so many calls, getting into it with her Dad is also hurting the kids, since you seem to do it in front of them a LOT. Why don't you stop it? Do a 180.
I don't call her names. That was a couple months back and I removed those words from my vocabulary. Getting into with her Dad. No I asked the man for a favor. He didn't follow through, and he facilates this seperation right into a divorce. Because his daughter is crazy. I'm not hurting the kids. And I don't harass her with phone calls. I use her medium texting. Because she does it to harass me.
Waits until the middle of the day to confirm where the kids are going to be. Where I need to pick them up. Etc...
Her Mother facilatates her bad behavior too. Oh let the kids stay over night with me. Then my wife doesn't bother to tell me. They are my kids and I have every right to know where they are at all times. I have the right to say if they can stay with her mom. They should be staying with me if she wants to gallavant. But NO, she doesn't want me to know what she is doing.
But I told her I don't care what you do. Stop hurting the kids. Stop driving me nuts putting the kids in the middle. I want the kids. I want them. I'm at the point where I'm ready to file for full custody. Everything she didn't want to do. She can go blow up. I told her that. I don't care what she does. Just stop putting the kids in the middle. GO BLOW UP!
Her Dad is a damn coward! Acting dumb and forgetful. I asked him for help with her. Because he was my best friend, but he can't talk no sense into her. Because she doesn't want to hear it. Then her Mother gets involved and tells FIL what to do. Because the man has no backbone. They act like self righteous holier than now Catholic Christians, but they enable and facilitate an out of control daughter wanting divorce.
Didn't you read where I said her Dad told me to back hand her if she got out of line when I asked to marry his daughter. He said you can marry her on two conditions. She can not come back, and if she gets out of line back hand her, because she can be a real b|tch.
Everytime he tries to talk to her, it gets turned around like I'm telling on her.
qoe100,
THERE ARE NO POINTS WITH THIS WOMAN... Everything gets canceled out or some other fault is found. It is never good enough. NEVER!
Bottle water incident. She said I couldn't do one simple thing and get daughter a bottle of water for school. She was asking for favors treating me like crap at twenty till 11. What if I would have done that.
She most likely would have said it was the wrong kind of water or something. ALL BS... Her store sells bottled water. It's all BS with her every single comment, incident, or whatever.
The kids POV... they think there mother is nuts too. They tell me. I said no honies, she is just a little sick right now. My son says, yeah but she always screams at you, and you do not scream back. Then he gives me the coo koo symbol on his head, and says mommy.
Every time they are with me, they want to do something. Because I do stuff with them. I ask them. Where did Mommy take you. They say no where, because she is boring. She only wants to go shopping and never does fun stuff.
It's all about her.. Me, me, me, mememememmememeemememememeememem.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOMMA MIA!
Just let me journal, and pray for my family.
Thank you...
Thing is you are enabling her as much as "pig friend". It's not a matter of going dark, it's a matter of not feeding her fire, not giving her ammo. You are the blame right now, you take you out of the equation, she has to take responsibility for her feelings or whatever. It would also give you a chance to slow down.
Phil
Hey buddy. Can I tell you something? The interactions with your wife are kind of testy. I got that. Not all you and not all her.
But, you don't have to engage her. You don't have to go in there ready for a fight. You can be just as nice as pie and then go home and kick the bushes to let it out.
Its nice that you hugged her. Its nice she didn't say no. But, the negative interactions are like absolute poison right now. I say this because I'm a woman Phil. And we women want to be treated nicely, even when we are bitchy. Sorry, but that is how it is.
How about the next time you see her you pretend you are acting a part in a movie? She is the damsel and you are the dark knight. You are the dashing man with impeccable manners and grace. Just be nice and try not to react to her. Even when she tries to engage you. Even when she pushes a hot button. Count to ten or something, stand on one leg, I don't know. Something.
The less you react to her, the less reason you give her to focus on. If she isn't focused on being mad at you she can think more and feel what it will really be like on her own.
Hugs, Phil.
Phil,
I get the sense that this is a never ending game of one-up-manship between both you and W. Both of you "have" to be right. Mostly you, I'm thinking.
Take yourself out of this mess. If she's crazy, why do you let her get under your skin and argue back with her. It's futile. My opinion is that you look for reasons to text her numerous times during the day. Stop it. Be the bigger person. Be the one your kids can emulate and act like an adult. Forget about what she does.
BTW, if you talk to your W the way you talk to some of the peeps here, I can understand why she wants to run away. This is a "help" board and if someone doesn't agree with you, you turn on them and treat them the way it appears you treat your W. I give Phoenix a lot of credit for "still" trying to give you good advice in spite of the treatment he/she's gotten from you.
Listen up, you're getting good advice, just refusing to take it. As Dr Phil says, "How's that working for ya?" Not good,from what you still post.
How about the next time you see her you pretend you are acting a part in a movie? She is the damsel and you are the dark knight. You are the dashing man with impeccable manners and grace. Just be nice and try not to react to her. Even when she tries to engage you. Even when she pushes a hot button. Count to ten or something, stand on one leg, I don't know. Something.
The less you react to her, the less reason you give her to focus on. If she isn't focused on being mad at you she can think more and feel what it will really be like on her own.
Hugs, Phil.
Excellent!!! Try it, Phil, and don't give us any excuses as to why it won't work. Just try it.
No Hoosier... They are not in front of the kids. Now go away. You think you know it all you don't. My daughter was an overachiever with school because she gets it from me. I am an overachiever. Wife is underachiever. Guess what son has the same trait.
Now please Hoosier, knock it off. You are not banned. You were asked not to post to me.
No the children interupt because they always interupt. That is why wife and I grew apart, and never had time together. GET IT! Now take your psychobabble and hit the road. Stop bogging me down with nonsense.
Sorry, Phil. It is
absolutely not nonsense. It is
absolutely not psychobabble. And it
is important enough for me to push whether or not you're comfortable with my pushing. I'm not the only one who is seriously alarmed about this issue with you.
In no way do I think I know it all. However, I do know many things from experience and education, and what I've told you is that
your kids are crying out for change with their behavior. I'm dealing with the same thing with my daughter, and I lived through it myself. And I've done a tremendous amount of reading on the subject to try to minimize the damage to my daughter.
I'm sorry you're so closed-minded about counseling and anything that sounds to you like counseling, which you have labelled psychobabble. Believe me, I have far better things to do than get blasted by you simply for the sake of getting blasted. The thing is, I don't really care what you think of me. I really don't care if you text 100 times a day and ban everyone who is alarmed enough to post to you.
I
do care about your kids and the effect your behavior, as well as your wife's, is having on them. Not because I need to be right. But because I--and everyone else--can see what this is doing to your kids. Not the split--but the behavior of both their parents. If you love your children, you will put their need for peace and security above your needs to express your rage at each other.
Don't post to me hoosier, go away. What did I just say! you don't know how to read. Go away, you are bogging me down.
You were asked not to post to me.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK?
Don't you think part of my problem is that I need to be right, and I need to have the last word. I have homework to do. I'm overwhelmed. Just let me journal.
DON'T YOU THINK I'M PROTECTING MY CHILDREN? GO Away! I do control myself around my children. If I do loose it I immediately apologize to them, and hold them. I tell them I'm sorry I lost it. Just help me by being good.
I have no need to argue with you. Your just putting me under.
I feel like crawling up in a ball as it is and just scream and pant like a damn autistic child.
LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE SATAN TO ME! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME! YOU HAVE NEVER HELPED ME!
Gosh, I feel like the pig girl texting me. Except she likes to use expletives.
Good advice Wifey.
It's just lately I have been slightly a miss with her. Because I'm tired of her putting the kids through this. Bouncing them all around. Picking them up late. Not knowing where they are going. Why? For what? So she can be on her on, and shove crap in my face. Yesterday was just one of those days.
Don't post to me hoosier, go away. What did I just say! you don't know how to read. Go away, you are bogging me down.
You were asked not to post to me.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK?
Don't you think part of my problem is that I need to be right, and I need to have the last word. I have homework to do. I'm overwhelmed. Just let me journal.
DON'T YOU THINK I'M PROTECTING MY CHILDREN? GO Away! I do control myself around my children. If I do loose it I immediately apologize to them, and hold them. I tell them I'm sorry I lost it.
Just help me by being good.I have no need to argue with you. Your just putting me under.
I feel like crawling up in a ball as it is and just scream and pant like a damn autistic child.
LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE SATAN TO ME! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME! YOU HAVE NEVER HELPED ME!
Gosh, I feel like the pig girl texting me. Except she likes to use expletives.
I'm really sorry, Phil. I'm sorry I bring out this reaction to you. I'm sorry you think I'm Satan. Because I'm really trying to help you and above all, help your kids. I have no desire to fight with you. But I'm willing to stick my neck out if I can get through to you on this topic.
When you tell your kids "help me by being good," you're putting a tremendous amount of responsibility on a 6 year old and an 8 year old. What you're telling them--remember they don't have life experience or anything to put this in context--is that if they're not good enough you'll lose it again.
They're hurt, they're confused, they're sad, they're probably angry because that's just part of it; they need to know that you both love them no matter what happens, no matter what they do. And they need to have peace and stability, whatever it takes to get that. You need to do whatever it will take to get that for them. Come on, Phil, you've recognized they need a bedtime, they need to know where they're going to be. And they need that more than you and your wife need to see them whenever you want. Until you step up and provide that for them, no--
you're not protecting your children. I'm sorry if that makes you angry. I'm sorry you're going thru this. I'm sorry we're all going through this. I understand the feeling of needing to curl up in a ball. I do it myself sometimes. It's just part of the pain, it doesn't mean you're going crazy. Do it if you need to. We all do it, we just may not all admit it. If you do it when you're alone, it will help you not to need to do it when your kids need you to be their Dad.
Peace, Phil.
Hoosier,
I hear ya and I completely agree.
Phil,
"You" need to step up and stop the craziness with your W. Your kids are what's important and you're teaching them how "not" to act. Except that kids copy what they see so as adults they're going to copy your behavior. Make it good behavior for them.
And, for crying out loud, stop bashing those who are just trying to help. If you don't like what they say, ignore them but there's no need for such personal insults. You're only making yourself look bad.
Well most of us can't read then, because if you go through your posts you will see/read that your slanging matches DO take place in front of the children -you don't need to read back far just to the incident in ice cream shop and outside.
You have never gone dark, half a day max I would guess if that.
DBing takes months,years you don't even go one day.
Phil I have said this before but for your childrens sake I am saying it again.
You seriously need help, grade A student, house builder, student, Mr Fix it. More importantly than you Your children need help.
Swallow that almighty pride and ego. Leave your wife alone, just maybe if you give her peace she may shape up and be a better mother. This constant interaction with you must have her at her wits end.
The way you speak about her co-worker, your FIL, mother etc and the kind people on this board who are trying to help you shows nothing but anger.
We are not here to tell you what a great man you are, what a wonderful provider, husband and dad you are.We don't need to because you constantly tell us.
Not once have you acted on advice given by even those you allow to post.
It's not that you can't, it is that you wont.
Now we will hear that your tired, people overwhelm you, all the excuses. Put them all to one side and get help, professional medical help.
*deleted by sg at request of topic owner*
SHUT UP! FOREST TAKE THAT OFF. I DID NOT ASK YOU OR ANYONE TO DO THAT!
FOREST YOU WERE ASKED NOT TO POST TO ME.
HOOSIER YOU WERE ASKED NOT TO POST TO ME.
NAEJ, I'M ASKING YOU NOT TO POST TO ME.
SG, PLEASE ASK THEM TO STOP POSTING TO ME.
SG, PLEASE ERASE WHAT FORREST DID!
ARE YOU ALL DEAF AND CAN'T READ.. YOUR DRIVING ME CRAZY!
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY....
GO AWAY IF I ASK YOU TO GO AWAY...
NEAJ, YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT GOING TO POST AND YOU KEEP COMING BACK.
YOU ARE BOGGING ME DOWN! NOW STOP IT!
YOU GET HELP NAEJ. IT'S YOU THREE DRIVING ME CRAZY! LEAVE ME ALONE!
MY CHILDREN ARE FINE! THEY ARE BETTER OFF WITH ME!
Phil, SLOW DOWN!!! Get a grip on your emotions. It is time to MAN-UP.
CRAIG! YOU MAN UP... YOU BEEN WITH OUT HER FOR HOW LONG. HOW MUCH MORE CRAP YOU GOING TO TAKE.
GO AWAY! There are only certain people I want talking to me and Craig you are not one of them.
SG, LOCK THIS THREAD... I'm LEAVING!
THERE IS TOO MANY PEOPLE TALKING TO ME... I CAN'T EVEN THINK!
it's sad to see that you could easily save your M, family, your "fine" children so easily. you are your own worse enemy. go back and read your threads man. it's okay to crash, it's okay to admit that you can't do it alone, it is okay to accept help. submit to God and let him lead you. love your neighbor as yourself, read Galatians 5 and 6. most of all relax.
I can't relax when I have people talking to me I asked not to talk to me.
Don't you think I've read Galatians 5 and 6 a hundred times?
LOOK, I'm Trying to do homework... I'm trying to work... I'm trying to keep up with all the nonsense on this board. I have allot on my plate.
I was in the process of texting her. The kids need to stay with me on nights you work. Bring school clothes. Or bring them in the morning. In the process of writing. She text me. Can you pick up the kids from moms? So I text. Yes, As you wish.
Then I rewrote the text. I was working on.
Those kids need to stay with me when you are working. Bring school clothes now or in the morning. She played games after her home work. You got her hyper going through their stuff so late and it was already taken care of. Ate, bathed, homework, and they were in bed at 10. You are keeping them up.
Then I text: Have them call me when you are driving them down. I want to hear about their day.
She doesn't respond.
You know I was using the kids as a shield in the summer. I prefferd that they stayed with her, because at least I knew she wasn't messing around.
Now I do not even care. She can blow up.
How am I suppose to detach when I dream of the woman? How am I suppose to detach when I wear the wedding ring.
Dark doesn't work either... it gets thrown in my face that I was once again not availble. The one week I didn't contact she said I was only with the kids for 12 hours. Because she worked 10-6 that week. And I told the kids to call me at night. They never would, and I didn't want to initiate contact because of the advice I have received here.
it's sad to see that you could easily save your M, family, your "fine" children so easily.
Yes, this so easy. So easy. It's not so easy, you don't even know what you are dealing with. Are you in my shoes? Do you deal with her? Do you love someone so much and all they do is rub your nose in sh|t over everything.
Phil,
We are not talking about my situation. But mine is very calm, no arguments, no fighting, no anger.Yes we have not reconciled yet.That is in Gods hands, not mine.My kids are doing great , conidering the circumstances.You will get your wish,I will not post to you again.
Nobody wants you to fail Phil.Are you done throwing a tantrum?Until you humble yourself before The Lord, you will continue to struggle.
Will you please humble yourself Phil.You have all the ammunition to pull this off, load the gun.Pull the trigger.You are a man of faith, please put it into practice.
Yeah whatever Craig. Your deaf... you can't read. I just need to journal. I don't need to argue with you or anybody. Don't you see I have a constant need to damper what you or someone else says I do not think is true, or will not work.
Humble myself... Ok, if I get anymore humble around her I'm going to puke.
It doesn't matter... She finds fault in everything, always did. Then she would provoke, nag, and b|tch about it all. Until I would snap until I would turn over tables. So to speak.
Did Christ care about turning over tables and what their reactions would be? NO, and neither do I.
I speak the truth.
Yes, this so easy. So easy. It's not so easy, you don't even know what you are dealing with. Are you in my shoes? Do you deal with her? Do you love someone so much and all they do is rub your nose in sh|t over everything.
while i was going through my divorce i sure as hell did, you're not the only one phil, you aren't poster number 1, you also won't be the last
Folks, if he asked you not to post...please do not post to him. It only antagonizes him.
Phil--be nice. Don't be so easily antagonized. The edit was your freebie. You've also reached your non-official limit of folks you ask not to post to you. You have to be able to get along in this neighborhood.
I hope you will work this out so you can continue posting here.
Phil,
Hey guy. Take a breath. It is going to be all right if you just calm down. We all work in different modes and I know what you are saying. You have to be the better person and not let her prod you into an angry reaction. I know she can do it better than anyone.
I need you to do me a favor and keep posting to me, Phil. I know that helping other people helps you. I only wish I could feel a fraction of your anger because it might just help me. Still haven't felt any.
The important thing is to harness that anger to a useful purpose. Don't waste it on her right now. Use it to help you do better. I know the Phil I write to can do this.
SHUT UP! FOREST TAKE THAT OFF. I DID NOT ASK YOU OR ANYONE TO DO THAT!
FOREST YOU WERE ASKED NOT TO POST TO ME.
HOOSIER YOU WERE ASKED NOT TO POST TO ME.
NAEJ, I'M ASKING YOU NOT TO POST TO ME.
SG, PLEASE ASK THEM TO STOP POSTING TO ME.
SG, PLEASE ERASE WHAT FORREST DID!
ARE YOU ALL DEAF AND CAN'T READ.. YOUR DRIVING ME CRAZY!
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY....
GO AWAY IF I ASK YOU TO GO AWAY...
NEAJ, YOU SAY YOU ARE NOT GOING TO POST AND YOU KEEP COMING BACK.
YOU ARE BOGGING ME DOWN! NOW STOP IT!
YOU GET HELP NAEJ. IT'S YOU THREE DRIVING ME CRAZY! LEAVE ME ALONE!
MY CHILDREN ARE FINE! THEY ARE BETTER OFF WITH ME!
Too many people talking to you, all saying the same thing. At this point, Phil, we're all so concerned about your interactions with your kids that we don't really care that we were asked not to post to you.
Your kids are not fine. They're showing you that in the only ways they can. Are you waiting for them to act out, become ill, or what? If they're better off with you, then make it so. Have a schedule; be sure they're with you on the evenings she works and in bed by 9 with their homework done, teeth brushed, prayers said, and reassurances they're loved. You can do this, Phil. It's not optional.
Phil,
If you treat your W anywhere near as badly as you do the people here, I can understand why she left. You need to get counseling for your anger and the way you can't seem to put your kids feelings/needs before your own need to prove that your W is worthless and you're the good guy that just wants to save his M. The way you're going about it is only driving her further away and eventually your kids too. You have power over this situation yet you continue to do what you're doing.
I've wasted enough of my time here today. Good luck to you.
Folks, if he asked you not to post...please do not post to him. It only antagonizes him.
Phil--be nice. Don't be so easily antagonized. The edit was your freebie. You've also reached your non-official limit of folks you ask not to post to you. You have to be able to get along in this neighborhood.
I hope you will work this out so you can continue posting here.
Exactly!!! Why do you post here if you don't want anyone to post on your thread? Or, is it you only want people to post who agree with what you're doing? I'm thinking not too many peeps agree with how you're handling things.
Phil, first I want to say that I am not saying this to anger you. I really care about you and your situation. I had to ask myself "why am I reading this?" Please forgive my analogies but it is how I relate things best. I thought maybe it is like the proverbial multi-car pileup where everyone is rubber necking to see what happened.
Then I realized that it was more like seeing a man drowning. I'm watching from the shore as I see person after person swimming out to you, trying to help you. But like a drowning man can react, they fight the very person who is trying to help him. Some he starts to succeed in pulling them down to the very depths they are trying to save him from.
I see people throwing life preservers out to you and you push them away. And then when boats come out to try and rescue you, you nearly capsize them.
I am now asking myself, does Phil really want to be rescued? Is Phil trying to allow himself to be swallowed by the murky depths? Or is he convinced he can save himself if he smacks at the water enough?
I may have offended you. I promise you that is not my intention.
My father was a man that allowed his anger to destroy his family. My mom, who left my dad trying to get him to change and went back to him hoping he had, misses him to this day. My dad died 10 years ago, alone, because he would not do anything about his anger and his need to be right.
Why???? He pushed everyone away that loved him. My dad could have had it all. But he had to do it his way. He wouldnt listen to anyone.
Phil, don't be like my dad. Please. I am begging you to stop what is happening with you and deal with your anger. Please.
I asked my dad to deal with his anger and to realize that maybe, just maybe, he may be causing a lot of his problems. He wouldn't listen to me and I miss him terribly. So, I am asking you to do something. Please?
qoe100,
You need to get counseling for your anger
You need to get counseling to learn to deal with people. You say the same things as others. He doesn't want to listen to me, so I'll show him. I'll say I'm going away and never posting again. Neener, neener, neener... Then you come back in a couple of days and sling mud.
LEAVE ME ALONE! qoe...!
LEAVE ME ALONE! FORREST!
LEAVE ME ALONE! HOOSIER! I just tried it again you pompous know it all. I just told my daughter on the phone that she needs to stay with me when mommy works on school nights. She says but I want to stay with mommy. I said too bad. Then she gets all sad.
THE KIDS ARE FINE! LEAVE ME ALONE HOOSIER!
Wifey you can stay...
I've never posted to you before but I can see that you are one angry, hurting man but you are manifesting it by lashing out at EVERYONE else. And that is abuse. I would have left this alone except for that tiny voice. The one on the phone. The one you are NOT listening to. The one who is afraid of you. Because you obviously are loud and abusive with her as well. It is YOUR CHILD! and she is NOT FINE. She is afraid of you. Is that what you want?
I've never heard anyone post what you post before. And you do need counselling. Your family needs help.
now stop abusing the posters.
Barb
how sad.... valuable info for people that actually want to help him. see ya, good luck phil, good luck with people that would prefer to enable and pacify you rather than give a rip about you or your m
Lets just leave Phil alone.He has the necessary information.
What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we have here this week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you all do.
Sooooooo, I say, no one should post to him because he obviously just needs a place to vent and spew his hatred of nearly everyone. He's not looking for help and we can all spend our time communicating with people that do want help.
Phil,
I truly do hope for your kids sake that you can get your $hit together. They deserve it. I'd love to hear your W's side of all this. And....I'm extremely sorry for your children.
Yeah qoe100, you would like to hear her side, because you a drama queen. Most of you are. That's why you love reading my posts. You love to antangonize me and spin me out of control.
You not supportive at all. You run in the room bash, crash, and say your never coming back. All of you that said you were never coming back always come back.
I do not need any counseling. I do not need therapy.
I do not need you telling me I'm doing a bad job.
What do you think I'm trying to do. I'm trying to save this. I know I'm pushing her away.
None of this matters. It only matters to her, when she decides to make the step. She just wants to run.
The whole ride here I had to hear my daughter say. I don't want to stay with you tonight. I want to be with mommy. I said too bad I'm your Dad and I say you need to go to bed early. Then as soon as she gets out of the car she says she is tired. I said that is because you are not sleeping enough, which is another reason you need to go to bed early.
I joined PTA, that will get the wife's goat. I'm not going to go to meetings because that is her thing. I'll just pay the 5 bucks. It's helps PTA.
Sooooooo, I say, no one should post to him
No quo just you and the others I have mentioned. Why should anybody listen to you? Are you a db God?
Here was some good advice. Everyone thinks they have the answers to someone else's problems when in fact they don't.
In my situation there are no answers. They only thing I can do is try and enforce and be firm, and continue to repeat what needs done. She isn't going to follow, but I need to keep her calm. I need to keep calm around her. I need the children to know that I am the sane one, and trust me they already know that.
Support me, don't bash me... Maybe lets try and say that LostPhil is trying to cope. LostPhil is seeking guidance. LostPhil is looking out for the best welfare of his children. LostPhil is handling his out of control wife the best way possible. He slips he falls, lets pick him up.
Phil, The people here are not trying to bash you. They are trying to help you. People come here to learn from other that have gone before them. You have had some of the longest standing and most caring posters here reach out to you and yet you reject them and insult them and refuse to accept their advise and wisdom. Why is that?
Have you read Michelle's books? If you haven't, you should. Where you don't want to listen to the people here because they are not experts, Michelle is.
I know you think your situation is unique. But it's not. I know you think your W is crazier than anyone else's. But she's not. You cannot control your W but you can control yourself. You can control how you deal with your W and her parents. When you learn to do this, you will see how much easier this will be.
You absolutely must get yourself under control. If you continue as you are, you will end up having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. Go to church or go away for a couple of days. Do whetever you need to do to get yourself centered because as you are right now, you are no help to your children, your family or yourself.
Bash me they do. Pretty telling me I'm a bad dad and parent because I try to keep this as stable as possible. Now it's 10 and the kids are already saying when is mommy comming. After I already told them they are staying. How do I make them stay when she is going to come here acting like a tornado If I tell her no.
jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepers Phil
if you need to journal stuff out...then get a journal
this board is to have other people read what you write aboutyour situation and offer support
if people posting on here spins you out of control
well...then Phil...you absolutely do need some serious help
why are you antagonising your wife by joining PTA?
and
don't con yourself into thinking your kids don't feel the pressure you are BOTH putting on them
take a breath
slow down
get some help
suck it up and do it for your kids
fig,
You get help. There goes someone else talking out of their belly buttons.
I joined PTA because she said I was never involved in anything with the kids at school. Now I told her that I just thought PTA was for moms and such, plus I can't do PTA functions because I work.
Then I get told well such and such Dad does it. And this Dad does it, and the grandparents do it. Then I ask do they work. No answer.
She even asked why did I join. I said well it says right on the form that joining does not require you to participate but the money helps PTA with insurance and things. I told her I wasn't going to go to meetings.
So before you talk out of your hair folicles, button it up.
Everyone has somethig to say, even when I ask them not to say it. I don't need condesending attitudes.
Have a nice night.
When she came and picked up the kids. I walked them out. Discussing the PTA thing. I went to her window. I said you are off tomorrow, correct. She said yes, and clapped her hands like London on Zack and Cody's Suite life. I said ok, well I do not even know what to ask or talk to you about because you'll act all crazy anyway. She laughed. I said ok good night leaned in and she leaned towards me and I kissed her cheek.
People posting on her spins me out of control, because it is usually at a point when I am so overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Doing school work. Doing work, work. Talking on the phone with some bungle head about the problem they are having, and they can't follow simple directions. Then I have some stupid comment that I find a need to respond too.
Point is, I do get support from good people. Others I do not. Funny I keep repeating the same thing. Because I do not waiver from position once it is set.
So why did you post fig, to dance, to sing, or to scare dogs away?
Do you think anything you said gives any kind of remote support to me? It doesn't.
I'm really hating this place.
Have you read Michelle's books? If you haven't, you should. Where you don't want to listen to the people here because they are not experts, Michelle is.
Then Michelle should take my case probono.
Is she on these boards? Does she drop in as an alias? Have I given her the rubbed fur?
Yes I have read Michelle's books. How many people need to ask me that.
One of the things in Michelle books is this. When a person makes up their mind and say that are done. They are done.
Maybe that is my wife, and no amount of DB'ing will matter.
Do what works. Going dark with my wife is not the answer.
Being nice and humble.
Get treated like crap and still be involved in everyone of beckon calls. Then even if I do that. She'll find fault.
Please, thank you for the advice... I will consider it. I'm telling the story, and why I know it will not work. I know my wife like a book. I know how she acts about things. Never good enough.
What you call bashing, I see as people trying to help you through a rough time. These people do not want to attack you they only want to help you. To do this, they are pointing out where they think you need to change what you are doing to help your M.
Regarding your kids, I would calmly tell them that you understand that they want to be with their mother but at the moment they are spending the night with you and then put them to bed.
If you W shows up, simply tell her that they are in bed and that she can talk to them in the morning. Again, be calm and be nice.
If she gets upset, tell her that you are sorry she feels that way but it is not in the best interest of the kids to get them up.
I cannot say enough how important it is for you to be calm. You and your W are feeding off each other. When she gets upset, you get upset which makes her more upset and then you get more upset and the cycle continues. You can control this by not getting upset. Say to yourself "Nothing she can say or do wil get me upset"
Get treated like crap and still be involved in everyone of beckon calls. Then even if I do that. She'll find fault.
Phil, they all treat us like crap. It's what they do. They are self centered and they only see what they want. In your W's mind, you and possibly your kids are root of everything tat is wrong with her life. I didn't say that was true, I only said that it how she sees it.
your job is to not fuel this feeling. Every time you argue with her or yell at her or tell her she is wrong and any other negative thing you do or say to her, you are confirming in her ming that she is right. When you are good to her, you are causing her to question her choices.
I know everyone goes on about a schedule to you, but if you had one, you wouldn't feel like you were at her beck and call. Right now she is using the kids to control you.
I know she works evening and a schedule is hard to do but there has to be a way. For example, something like this; When she works night, she drops the kids off to you before work and they spend the night with you. In the morning, you take them to school and she picks them up after school and has them until she goes to work. Then you divide evenly the days that you both have off. Does this make sense? I don't know your entire situation, so this is only an example.
Holy crud, Phil.
Two words. Anger management. You are lashing out at people who've been there, done that, bought the books, read them, wrote easily encyclopedias of good support and advice to people long before you started flaming everyone here, and still care enough to come around and try to help someone who seems to be having a tough time. Namely, you. Have you read your own words? The give the feel of a frantic, out of breath man panicking at every move. You seem to make all of your decisions in reaction to your wife. Now, if she's off her rocker, and every decision you make is based on her actions, what does that say about your decision-making process. Not only that, but you deny any need for therapy, then berate these good people with your "journal", or "vent", or whatever else you want to call this tantrum.
Is that the kind of man you want your kids to grow up knowing? I've been here just as much as about anyone you've flamed thus far, and I can tell you from experience that basing your actions on the attitudes and values of a whacked out person will never help your kids. They will never learn grace and maturity from lashing out, manipulating, or one-upping.
Chill out, dude. Try to know the people you flame before being so offensive. Try to see that your perspective isn't the only one. And try to see that you don't know everything, even about your situation. Because I can tell you right now, most people wouldn't stand by and let you speak to the fine ladies here the way you have were you to do so in the real world. Serious attitude problem in need of serious adjustment. Hopefully you find the means to adjust it yourself.
Do what works. Going dark with my wife is not the answer.
Being nice and humble.
Get treated like crap and still be involved in everyone of beckon calls. Then even if I do that. She'll find fault.
Please, thank you for the advice... I will consider it. I'm telling the story, and why I know it will not work. I know my wife like a book. I know how she acts about things. Never good enough.
Then why would you want to be with a person who treats you this way? What are the reasons to stay with her as she is now?
And no, don't say "for the kids". This relationship is destructive on the kids. You know this is true. You know it.
Phil, I know you're a good man and you love your kids, you love your wife. These are all admirable traits in a good man.
Phil, you deserve to be in a calm, loving, stress free marriage to a woman who values you. What would have to change for you to have that marriage? Don't just respond but really think about it.
As far as 'going dark', I totally understand how that won't work for you. I suggest 'gray' instead. That means that you DO answer calls when she calls and you DO reply to texts that are legitimate questions.
What you DON'T do is initiate texts, don't call her for reasons other than information about the kids, and NEVER EVER REACT to ANYTHING she says that is negative. If it's on the phone, in person or text, just say "You're right" and nothing else.
Once you AGREE what can she say next? You took the wind out of her sails. And if she does keep going say 'Yeah, you're right'. "Uh huh". "Yes".
BUT, if it turns into real abuse, tell her you're hanging up if she doesn't act civil / leaving / or don't reply to the text.
Be the strong one, when she's the tornado, you need to be the rock that can't be swayed.
You're a tough man and I have faith that you can do this 'gray' thing. That you can be the rock.
Try it, I think you will be surprised.
Oh, and people aren't telling you to be 'humble' to your wife, they are asking you to show some humility on this board. Your Wife needs to see a consistent 'rock' who isn't swayed and doesn't react to her storms.
I really hate this place. I should have never started posting here because all it does is add to the drama.
Even this morning. I texted her. Thanks you left shoe prints all on the kitchen floor into the great room. Kids call me on the drive to school.
The kids call. They are tired, but I wish them a good day and tell them I love them.
Then I get stupid, I asked to speak with Mommy.
She gets on the phone. I said Thanks for getting shoe prints everywhere.
Oh, how did I do that. I said well you came into the house with your shoes on from your ice cream store. Now it's a mess.
She said she was sorry.
I said yeah, well if I would have done that to you, you would have went to town on me. Are you going to come and mop it?
She hangs up on me.
I text: some friend you are.
I text: Treat other the way you want to be treated
I text: Why are you so mean to me?
I text: I have enough problems, and you constantly five me a hard time. You did it through the whole relationship. I'm sorry. I am really sorry. I feel sorry for you.
I text: I am sorry you lost the babies. I tried to make you happy.
I text: You gave me a hard time about every thing, and you are still doing it.
I text: Why?
I text: Would you please answer the question?
Nothing, she just wants to act like an insolent, vexatious, and quarrelsome woman.
Now nobody better say a word to me. Because I do not need the stress.
I already know some idiot is going to bash me for treat others the way you want to be treated comment, so don't even go there.
And the dynamics about the kids the advice given about the kids staying with me on nights she works. Isn't going to work. All she is going to do is cause a big scene and get the children all upset.
Yes, I know I had to go tit for tat with her about the shoe prints. Because I know she would have went to town on me. If I would have let it go then she would think nothing of it.
What I'm saying is whatever is good for the goose is never good for the gander with her.
She can walk into our house with her shoes on, but I can't even walk on her foyer rug. I got dirt on it a couple months ago. Now she can just waltz in the house with her nasty work shoes on and create a giant mess.
It was like that with everything. She gives me a hard time about everything, and when I call her on her faults I'm the a$$hole.
Insolent, vexatious, and quarrelsome. WHY?
Why do I want her back? Because I love her? I always did? It didn't matter to me how she acted, what she said.
But then I would get to the point when I just could not take it anymore.
I do need peace in my life, but I just do not see it.
Yes your right. When she hung up on me I should have just let it go. Not texted. Like I was looking for an excuse to talk to my wife. Yes, your right, because I yearn to hear her voice.
I should have not told my children to put their mother on. For one it was a bad time. She was flustered trying to get them to school. Etc... Bad timing. I should have been just happy with the fact that she said she was sorry.
YEARN!
Imageer, I'm sick of the high fiving and supporting of others peoples post. Keep your comments about what others say to yourself.
Then why would you want to be with a person who treats you this way?
Because when you are verbally abused for 13 years by the person you love, you are used to it. It is normal, and you know what. Someone already said. They all act that way.
Bighands, go away you were not helpful. I'm only angry now because the situation is so crazy. I have no control. I can't control it, and I'm a person about cosmic order and logic.
Jeanette,
Now what kind of response is that. You give up on me, but your still trying to walk the valley with me.
Thank you.
BTW I'm on FB.
Hi Lost Phil
I haven't posted to you before and you may think it is a bit random that I do now as I see you have been here for quite a while but your last post interested me so I caught up (as much as possible as you have lots of threads!!) on your situation. I just wanted to share with you one thing that worked for me that you may or may not find helpful in your situation.
Pretty much for the first few weeks of DBing my only interactions with my husband were through text and before discovering DBing my texts only succeeded in winding him up possibly antagonising him and vice versa. I realised that was because we didn't have any empathy for the others wants or needs and were working to our own agenda or needs. It wasn't either of our faults we just had come to a point where we misunderstood each other so much we took everything the wrong way and probably quite personally, I know for sure I did at least.
The thing that changed that for me and brought us from smashing our heads together to collaboration and being able to come up with solutions together was a) me choosing the battles I wanted to fight and b) checking my texts before I sent them - often writing them and coming back to them in 2 hours and re-reasing. Posting my texts here before I sent them also helped so I could get advice on wording and clarity.
There were two effects. It cut the number of texts I was sending my h dramatically so as to give him a bit of headspace (I see you know what it is like to feel bombarded) and also my texts were less loaded and emotive so didn't bring out a negative response in him. It took time and perseverance but it really paid off for me and reduced my stress levels too.
Michelle says that changing your actions has an effect on your partners actions. I really have seen this work in practice. It also has given me so much personal strength and power to do this and I also regained the dignity I felt I had lost this past year. The main end product has been it has helped me to reconnect with my husband and that is what I have been trying to do for a year now. That was the first time that I saw any results.
Here is something else I didn't mention. Last night after she left. She texted me about a half hour later.
I do not have a BF so quit asking the kids.
I text. You act like you do. Do you love me?
I text: You went from being done to hating me. Son said he does not want to live in two houses. Stop me names in front of them. I did the paperwork so you would not have to worry about doing it. Never good enough for you. I do everytihng wrong. I never seen you as a texter and that is all you do. I tried to use radios and you would not use them. Then you give a bs line that I never loved you.
I text: They say all you do is text. I just asked if it was boys. Why do you want me to think you have some one else. You do not want me. And you just killed my soul.
I text: Quit drinking. Not good enough. Quit calling you the b and c words, not good enough. Daggers and verbal abuse. Your friend is a piece of work. I could only imagine one of my friends talk to you the way she talks to me. I would seriously f them up. If my friend talked that way at you.
I text: Good night!
Nothing... Not a peep... Why? because she knows she is wrong.
That's why she is running. That's why teens run.
The radio story... i'll tell it. Because she said I was never home, and didn't want a cell phone so she could keep track of me.
No, I don't want bothered by a phone. They make life harder. I answer the phone enough at work. I don't want a cell phone bill. I got radios, so that the kids could talk to me when I was at the shoots a couple of miles down the road. She always thought I was down there galavanting. I wasn't shooting skeet. Unwinding. She never used the radios. Plus everyone of my friends had phones if she wanted to get a hold of me. She never did.
It's all BS... All of it I tell you... All of it.
You see how the story got changed to does mommy have a boy friend. No, the kids told me all mommy does is text. My daughter said she reads her text, and next year she will probally be texting. I said does mommy talk to boys. She said no. Then it gets turned into some drama event.
Everything I do it wrong. Even now what I do is wrong. I can't let the BS go. I have to respond to it. Even on this board. When I see BS I have to respond to it and say why it isn't so.
And Forrest H, if that is you on FB, you can forget it. You are the king of driving me nuts.
Phil,
You said no one better say a word to you...
I didn't.
I've never given up on you, nor will I.
I'm silently walking beside you, occasionally stopping to smell the roses.
I understand the feeling of yearning Phil, I really do.
Yes I know your on Face Book.
I sent you a request you have not responded.
JCJ,
Yes I see your point. I do believe that her and I totally misunderstand each other. I do not know how to bridge the gap. It has been like that for the entire relationship. I think this is our biggest problem. We do not understand each other, or each others view points and we consider ours to be right.
To be honest... I have left her alone. These last two days I have been going nuts on her with text. Yes there were lingering text when she initiated, because of the yearn factor. In the early days of seperation every night she would text that she loved me. Then it quit. Because I quit. I don't know.. and she got worse now.
Last night, I kissed her cheek. I leaned in and she leaned in.
I see how I'm making things worse. Point is, she got a year lease. She isn't going to break the lease. She wants to be on her own. I'm trying to make things easier for her, but she doesn't want them easy. Then she acts all crazy, does crazy things, and puts my kids in the middle.
Then her parents enable. Everyone makes things easy for her.
Then she expects weird favors from me at odd times, because the kids are driving her nuts.
That's why she would show up at the house unannounced to dump the kids. She can't handle them. But she created the mess. They do not listen to her. When they are around her, they know what buttons to push. Then when we are all together and I discipline them, she says leave them alone they are fine. So reward for bad behavior.
Put it this way... This is a long journey... And guess who is getting scr3wed.... LOSTPHIL!
It is apparent that you are going through a rough time and that these are difficult days for you --- as they are for so many others who post here.
Everyone who comes here deserves to be treated with respect - even when you may not aggree with their suggestions or ideas. People are posting to you out of care and concern.
If you would like to continue your privilege of posting here, you must comply with the
DivorceBusting.com Board Rules and express yourself in a respectful manner.
Please clean up your act. We'd like to see you stay around.
You said no one better say a word to you...
LOL, so you used emotioncons. Funny... You know that was probally the best response. I don't need to argue with people what I'm doing wrong. I know what I'm doing wrong. EVERYTHING!
Everything with her... Because I'm just trying to keep her from blowing up. Not acting like an idiot in front of the kids or others. But there is still those times when she just knows how to get under my skin. Like the child support comment in front of her worker. I felt like crapping a pineapple I was so mad.
uh oh
you've been spanked
Virginia,
Thank you for responding. I will heed your words.
I guess the problems lies in the fact that others are not respecting my wishes. I have asked numerous people not to post to me. They still do. I'm not the type of person that just sits there and takes it.
I have asked the people on my thread not to high five one another, and stick up for one another. Let people fight there own battles with me. They take a gang approach, and I have a constant need to knock each one of them down.
I'm the type of person that when he gets kicked, he kicks back harder. Must be the inner city boy in me.
I have asked for support to really read what I'm writing, and it is either I don't know how to write or they do not interpret correctly.
I do not waiver. I'm sorry if you feel I have been disrespectful towards others, that is not my intention. I think I am in constant defense mode. I know why spouse. I know how she acts. I can read her like a book. I have seen the rage, over and over in her. The advice I get instills rage.
Go dark... I get rage. You don't want to see your kids, you don't even call them.
Don't be at her beckon call. You can't even do one simple thing for me.
Etc... etc... it's is a merry go round with her. I would really like to get off.
In my opinion if they cared, they wouldn't try to overwhelm me with what I preceive to be nonsense. I am a man of truth and integrity, and I do not waiver.
Here is another thing. They go and talk about me in differnt threads, like they are infatuated with me or something. Maybe it is the wit, the drama, the writing. It is so sophomoric and high school like.
I don't see it that way at all. Virginia has displayed adequate concern for respect and safety of everyone.
It just so happens I have the attention of the boss. I'm sure Michelle is reading too. I'm sure she could write a book about my sitch. I'll even co-author, we can make a movie.
I wouldn't even be surpised if Michelle writes advice under a pseudoname. If she is, then I probally lashed out at her too.
There are a few people here that have given me excellent advice. Others seem to just want to 2x4 me. Well that doesn't work with me. This is not an AA society.
Phil...
Stop tm your wife
when you go tit for tat it makes you look like a whiner
we have all had to do tough work
we have all had to suck it up and go out of our comfort zone
on this board
you get what you give
we all come here lost and tired and confused and looking for hope and a feeling of not being alone
you have insulted a great many people who are simply trying to point out some things that you may want to work on...that will help you feel more in control
please don't ask your kids if mommy has a boyfriend or even what mommy does when she is with them
concentrate on what you can do with them when you have them...your time is your time
when you put your kids int he middle it makes them split their loyalty between you both
kids don't have to chose bewtween you
and they see that she is getting a million tms from you or that their mom is angry when she talks to you or that she yells
don't give her fuel for her fire
and
i never talk from my bellybutton...the sound is too muffled
I really hate this place. I should have never started posting here because all it does is add to the drama.
Then why don't you stop? Why do you do something you hate? What are you looking for here? If you tell us perhaps we could respond with what you are looking for, or we can realize that whatever it is, we can't provide it to you.
I already know some idiot is going to bash me for treat others the way you want to be treated comment, so don't even go there.
You just did it yourself, which I think is a great step because I can see that YOU are realizing it yourself now. Now all you need to do is execute that control when you converse with her. Some of this stuff is sinking in. I'm so glad to see that in you.
And the dynamics about the kids the advice given about the kids staying with me on nights she works. Isn't going to work. All she is going to do is cause a big scene and get the children all upset.
I'm wondering if you really think having the kids stay with you on that schedule is the best thing for them (and it seems to be) can you deal with the 'scene' and do what's best for them?
Yes, I know I had to go tit for tat with her about the shoe prints. Because I know she would have went to town on me. If I would have let it go then she would think nothing of it.
What I'm saying is whatever is good for the goose is never good for the gander with her.
I think you're right, she did need to be told that she made a mess on your floor. But did the rest of the conversation need to happen? What did you gain from it?
Insolent, vexatious, and quarrelsome. WHY?
She's testing you, she wants you to be calm, strong and assertive. She pushes your buttons to see if you'll continue to deteriorate into the argumentative, judgmental man she has been living with and you take the bait. Phil, you are SO much better than this.
Why do I want her back? Because I love her? I always did? It didn't matter to me how she acted, what she said.
But then I would get to the point when I just could not take it anymore.
So then it DOES matter how she acts and what she does. You can only 'absorb' it for so long until there is nothing left in Phil to keep 'fixing' it.
Yes your right. When she hung up on me I should have just let it go. Not texted. Like I was looking for an excuse to talk to my wife. Yes, your right, because I yearn to hear her voice.
I should have not told my children to put their mother on. For one it was a bad time. She was flustered trying to get them to school. Etc... Bad timing. I should have been just happy with the fact that she said she was sorry.
Remember, you said this, not 'me' or 'us'. So YOU'RE the one who is 'right' here. Now that you see it you can start to practice it.
Imageer, I'm sick of the high fiving and supporting of others peoples post. Keep your comments about what others say to yourself.
Ok, what I'm reading in this comment is you didn't like Imageer's reference to 'others helping' or whatever. I thought a lot of Imageers last 2 posts were very helpful. Didn't you find some good stuff in them? People care about you Phil, that's a blessing.
Then why would you want to be with a person who treats you this way?
Because when you are verbally abused for 13 years by the person you love, you are used to it. It is normal, and you know what. Someone already said. They all act that way.
This shouldn't be 'normal' Phil. In fact in real mature relationships it isn't normal. You are worth a lot more than how you are being treated. The comment "they all act that way" is in reference to the WAW's, not to women in general. A normal, mature and whole woman doesn't treat their husband the way she treats you.
You are worth so much more.
Bighands, go away you were not helpful. I'm only angry now because the situation is so crazy. I have no control. I can't control it, and I'm a person about cosmic order and logic.
Ahh, but you DO have control. Over you. Over your actions. And you know it. You admonished yourself in this post for texting her and arguing with her because, as you know, you failed to exert control and stop yourself from doing those things.
You have control Phil. Not over her, over you.
Remember the one big rule about life: When you change, everyone around you changes also.
Take control Phil. You can do it. You're getting closer every day.
Phil
I totally understand your anger at her parents and others enabling her. My h's parents totally enable him. He is at this very moment living in a VERY expensive luxury flat in the middle of London rent free and 10 mins from his work. He has his washing done for him and they provide him with a cleaner!! I often think that why, with all that, would he want to come back to our house which requires a fair amount of maintenance and cleaning and is an hour and half commute from work. Life should be perfect from them right? But do they act like life is perfect? My h doesn't and your wife isn't displaying signs of blissful happiness.
The situation makes me very angry but, and this is the but, he is not happy and from what I can see your wife is not happy either. You know why, they don't have us anymore and have to live with the guilt that they left. That is quite a big burden for them to carry.
So, understanding that went a big way in letting go of some of my resentment towards him (although I admit no so much of his parents ooh, I'm getting cross now - taking a deep therapeutic breath!). However they aren't important and I just try to remember that these feelings aren't important to my end goal. There is nothing I can do about that situation (they aren't going to chuck him out) so I just have to realise that I can't control it so focus on the things I can control.
Ok, so she has her lease. That is a fact; it is an upsetting fact but nevertheless a fact. You can't do anything about that. I think we all know that we are in it for the long haul. Turn it around and look at it as a positive that even though you are in this less than ideal situation at least your kids have somewhere stable to go when they are with mum and when they are with dad.
If I were approaching your situation (and please feel free to disregard as this is JMO) I would start with that fact that you both misunderstand each other. What can you do to change that? Start small; what small things can you change in your interactions to come to a consensus (because there is something very satisfying about coming to a consensus!). Once you start doing these small things you may start to build up respect for each other and your differing opinions again.
How do you think your wife views you at the moment?
No Frank, she has always been quarrelsome and vexatious. Always... WAW has nothing to do with it. In fact when she dropped the bomb in a weird way life did get better in some aspects. She stopped being quarrelsome. Because she stopped talking to me totally. She just could not wait to leave. Now that she has left, she still doesn't talk to me. When she does she does become quarrelsome. We are in just a different cycle.
It's my belief that she could have stayed in this cycle without leaving. I might have been able to keep her home, but no, I had to enable her. I had to let her do it. I had to give her five thousand dollars and say go. Here you go stay at home mom, get a job, and her is a 5K to help. Good bye...
Then when she was still at home and I was trying to hold on, I just pushed her further away. Now I'm pushing her further away. Because that is what she wants.
She needs to step towards me, but she doesn't want to yet.
If in fact she does want to reconcile, will I be able to heal. Will she act the same way she did for 13 years, still expecting the same results.
She has the answers, I do not.
What do I want from this board.
LostPhil is doing the best he can for his family regarding his crazy wife. She is the crazy one, and LostPhil is normal.
How do you think your wife views you at the moment?
She thinks I'm a jacka$$, because my kids have told me that when they leave that is what she says.
What do I want from this board.
LostPhil is doing the best he can for his family regarding his crazy wife. She is the crazy one, and LostPhil is normal.
Now, I'll give you a typical response of what she would say. I shouldn't have to tell you what I want from this board. So frank for the sake of quoting me its not good enough. Never good enough. Even when she would finally beat me down in defeat. I still lost and lost hard.
Phil...what does that mean?
Does that mean that that would be your wife's response
"I shouldn't have to tell you"
and
why are you fighting so hard for someone who treated you so badly
that said you were never good enough
why are you fighting so hard for someone who treated you so badly
Because we are one flesh, one heart, one soul, and one mind. That is what marriage is. But we are not one mind because she doesn't want to be one mind. She never wanted to be one mind. She just wanted to be quarrelsome and vexatious. Now she has seperated from me and doesn't want to be one flesh, one heart, or one soul.
She is killing my soul.
Why do you fight for what you want?
Why do you? Why do you do what you do?
I fight for me.
Phil...you are seperate from her
the pressure of being one with someone is tremendous
Marriage is not becoming one with someone
it is joining WITH someone
two complete people coming together to add to each other's lives
I know that feeling...like a part of you has been ripped away and there is a gaping open wound where soemthing used to be
the feeling that you are incomplete
We NEED to be a complete person on our own. Honestly...how can we add to someone's life if we are incomplete? If we look to them to make us complete then we are taking constantly and it tips the balance of our relationship.
Does that make sense?
You need to feel complete on your own
your wife needs to be complete on her own
then there can be give and take
instead of constant giving or taking
Your soul is yours Phil
she can only kill it if you let her
No one can kill your soul without you giving them permission
be whole unto yourself Phil
your soul belongs to you and God
she can not destroy what she has not built
Phil, I think you will like this scripture,
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I re-read it frequently along with many other verses. I hope it helps.
Marriage is not becoming one with someone
Yes it is Fig, and I stop reading the rest of your post. Because you are wrong. Marriage is by God. What God has done can not be seperated. When you are married in the Catholic Church you become one flesh.
Case closed... Now please go away and leave me alone.
Phil,
I was just wondering....
You know how too many responses from people on this board makes you crazy and you feel like your getting 2 x 4'ed?
Do you think your wife might just feel the same way when you blow up her phone with all the texting?
I mean.....whether the texts are wrong/right/loving/bashing....do you think she might contrue them as harrasing and it overwhelms her and makes her more crazy?
Kinda like you think some people on this forum are just out to harras you?
From some of the responses on this board....you say you hate it and want to leave, wished you'd never came here.
Do you get where I'm going with this?
The constant badgering.......do this, do that, why this, why that, will eventually kill something that can be saved.
It's just a thot Phil...
Hugs,
Jeanette
missmyfriend...
I read that at her sister wedding. I looked her right in the eye. That was a year before the bomb.
Boy that is a really dumb question. Of course I mean it.
I am Catholic and it is a joining of two complete people
becoming one is a metaphor
It is not a metaphor. It is a sacrament. Do you know what the word sacrament means? Ordained by Christ. IT CAN NOT BE BROKEN!
If you think it is a metaphor then you are a conveyor belt Catholic. Only believing what you want to believe and moving along.
This is why a woman must leave their father, and a man must leave his mother to be joined with one another as one.
Next you are going to tell me that the blessed sacrament is not true presence of Christ. It's a metaphor. IT IS NOT A METAPHOR!
Well it is not... Read John Chapter 6.
Melchizedek in Genesis a type of Christ, no geanology, no linage, a high priest. Brought bread and wine... Payed tithes.
Why? Why Melchizedek brought communion? Why????? WHY? Answer me?
Now the flood, that might have been a metaphor. MIGHT!
I don't see it that way at all. Virginia has displayed adequate concern for respect and safety of everyone.
It just so happens I have the attention of the boss. I'm sure Michelle is reading too. I'm sure she could write a book about my sitch. I'll even co-author, we can make a movie.
OMG soda just shot outta my nose!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!Only you, Phil - Phil the self-described magnificent - would interpret a visit by Virginia to mean you're something special.
Dude, she has visited many of us.
And usually it's because we've been acting like a full out ass.
You are more deluded than your wife and it's well worth "hearing" you bitch and moan just to say so.
And before you flatter yourself, aside from your reply to Virginia, I don't read your posts anymore.
I come by your thread only to watch how many others make their way to the same conclusions that the rest of us did.
The average time is much lower these days...
You're not an enigma, man.
And you're not special, over-intelligent or enlightened.
You're just an overgrown spoiled brat.
Good luck with that.
Now go ahead, cast me out!
AmyC
AmyC you crack me up
and
yes Phil it is a metaphor
I taught theology and Catholic doctrine
but
only hear what you want
NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!
I don't care what you taught. IT IS NOT A METAPHOR!
Body, blood, soul and divinity in the Eucharist. That is not a metaphor.
Marriage as one is not a metaphor.
Baptism forever, can not be taken away. It is not a metaphor.
If you taught it then you should know it.
AmyC, you crack me up.... I never casted you out... I only said for you to go home.
How am I a spoiled brat. Your the one that acts self rightous. holier than now, hell fire and damnation.
And the reference to Virginia was satire. It's called sarcasm. Irony.
This site, it feeds off the weak. DB coaches... books... self help blubbering egocentric psychobabble BS.
Christ should come in here and upset some tables!
The old oak tree's bark was like scales of an aligator. - That is a metaphor.
You know it is amazing. I get scorned for my behavior but others are still able to proceed with their ignorant comments towards me.
You are correct. The Eucharist is not a metaphor
it is one of the things that separates the Catholic religion from other forms of Christianity.
However...mariiage is the joining of two people
they are not one flesh
we are one flesh with Christ
big difference
and
AmyC is not all hell fire and damnation
also
your reference to sarcasm and irony is off
they are not the same thing
if you are so disatisfied with this board then leave
you do not need to insult people to get a point across
because listen little pup
you have much to learn from the big dogs
you can't run with the big dogs when you still whimper like a pup
Fig,
Sorry you are wrong.
A sacrament is still a sacrament.
Baptism is a Sacrament.
Receiving the Blessed Sacrament is a sacrament. You just admitted it was true flesh and blood.
Marriage is a Sacrament.
CCC 1605 Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: "It is not good that the man should be alone."[92] The woman, "flesh of his flesh," i.e., his counterpart, his equal, his nearest in all things, is given to him by God as a "helpmate"; she thus represents God from whom comes our help.[93] "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh."[94] The Lord himself shows that this signifies an unbreakable union of their two lives by recalling what the plan of the Creator had been "in the beginning": "So they are no longer two, but one flesh."[95]
Now teach waht you have been taught, so called big dog! I think you are the one out of soup, pal. Now go away. Do not post to me anymore, Fig.
So they are no longer two, but one flesh
AmyC, told me she was all about it.
AmyC is not all hell fire and damnation
Boy that is a really dumb question. Of course I mean it.
I won't take that personal.
The reason I am asking that, Phil, is that if one loves another personal unconditionally, and they follow Pauls' parroting of God's word, then we:
* Love another regardless of how we are treated
* Show those we love, kindness, even if we are treated unkind
* We are not to compare with others the love we have
* We appreciate the gift of love we feel for someone else without boasting or feeling superior
* Love is pure, from God, and does not exist apart from God
* Love for another can withstand the harshest circumstances and knows the truth, regardless of what is said or seen
* Love will not perish
I am not saying how my wife must feel for me or how your wife feels for you or how you feel for your wife.
You said you love your wife unconditionally. I believe you. You don't have to answer me or anyone else but you should answer to yourself -- are you exhibiting this kind of love to your wife and in front of your children, friends, family, her family, your wife's friend and anyone else who knows you and your wife?
I am not changing scripture but sharing it as it is in His word.
AmyC, told me she was all about it.
AmyC is not all hell fire and damnation
I said that weeks ago and it was a joke.
That is one hell of joke Amy. I don't think you were joking either. I think you were joking about the snakes.
Why do you think I say this?
This site, it feeds off the weak. DB coaches... books... self help blubbering egocentric psychobabble BS.
Because if were true to our Christian values, and exspecially us Catholics we wouldn't need no books, no DB sites, no psycho therapy. We would trust in him and do his will. There is already one book and it's the bible.
We are weak because we lack faith, and we truly do not understand what was given to us. You woman still eat the apples. And you men still look at the shiny apple the other pretty lady has.
Why? Because of living the flesh. Not living in spirit. Being selfish and only looking out for number one. Even one of the goals in DBing is look out for number one. Become a better number one. Life life for number one. Make yourself number one.
No, sorry, it is all wrong. We go agaisnt his will constantly. All of us. That's why we are here. This is a devils tool. The harassment and bludgeoning of people.
No, I'm done... I will fight for this marriage the way I know how. That is the only way that is going to work. If it doesn't it will be on her. I'm not going to wait around forever kissing her butt because she thinks her feelings changed.
It is not about feelings. When you become selfish then it becomes about your feelings. Your misunderstood feelings.
It's all poppycock BS!
are you exhibiting this kind of love to your wife and in front of your children, friends, family, her family, your wife's friend and anyone else who knows you and your wife?
No, because I'm too busy trying to prove how crazy she is, and how she is dragging me through hell. Until I get past the fact that she isn't crazy, or she stops acting crazy, then I'll be able to show it. All I have right now is frustration.
When I'm around her, and the children are there. I just want to hug her or hold her. But she comes in the house, runs out, hurries in the car, and makes everything a whirlwind heat flash.
I don't have a chance. And I don't have a chance because she works with pig girl. A validating hose beast of a woman, with no morals, dragging my wife down her pit.
NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!
you are like the soup nazi, Phil
you don't like something someone says so you don't want them to post to you
grow up
my 5 year old is more mature
I am Catholic and it is a joining of two complete people
becoming one is a metaphor
As I understand it the 'one flesh' is a reference to the children, as they are the one flesh of the two people.
Yes it is a covenant that should not be broken. All of us on the board agree with that. But you cannot 'argue' someone back to a marriage they don't want. That's simple human nature.
one flesh is about children and also a reference back to Adam and Eve who were made of "one flesh"
in this way
we are all joined together
Admit your wrong fig.
In marriage you become one flesh. Admit it. Stop trying to change the subject. Admit it.
No soup for you, those are your lines. Not mine. I don't want you to post to me, because you are not tolerable you say things that are totally out of line, and you condemn.
Then you say peevish comments like your five your old is more mature.
Don't post to me, because just like in the past when you posted to me you were not helpful. Guess what, it hasn't changed, you are still not helpful. Now go away, fig.
wow
i hope someone tells you exactly what you want to hear!!!
The old oak tree's bark was like scales of an aligator. - That is a metaphor.
No, actually it's a simile.
Christ should come in here and upset some tables!
I hate to state the obvious, but yours would be the first, followed shortly by the scribes' and Pharisees'.
AmyC, you crack me up.... I never casted you out... I only said for you to go home.
Same thing, Phil, same thing. You're splitting hairs. Just like the argument you're having about marriage as sacrament. An outward sign of an inner truth. Marriage is not an excuse for codependence; a sacrament is holy. Holiness is ultimately wholeness, what God wants for us. God did not intend for us to be codependent.
This is a
critical understanding; this understanding can help you greatly in restoring your relationship with your wife. I predict that you'll reject it because it's coming from me, probably even label it "egocentric psychobabble." But what the heck--maybe someone else reading this may be open to it. Knowing where we end and our spouse begins is essential to a healthy (and holy) marriage. Understanding that they are not responsible for our happiness and we are not responsible for theirs. We are not responsible for their responses, they are not responsible for ours. We are creatures with free choice; we can choose how we respond when our spouse pushes our buttons. We can choose a healthy response, or we can choose to blame them for a childish reaction from us. We can choose to follow the letter of the law, or we can choose to work to understand the spirit of the law--as Jesus taught. It is a sign of a mature faith to make choices that will bring us closer to holiness. You were given free will, Phil--what choices will you make? Will they bring you closer to God and to your wife, or will they continue to push you away? I'm not talking about your wife's choices or what she needs to do--I'm talking about Phil's choices that can either support rebuilding your family or support bolstering your ego. Your choice, Phil.
This is not weakness--unless you believe that Jesus was also weak. I don't believe that.
Ok folks. Time out.
We are not here to discuss theology. We are here to DB.
Feel free to begin a new thread and DB.
There are other boards for theological discussions.
We all are here to accept personal responsibilty for our role(s) in our relationship problems, self examine and do the best we can to FIND SOLUTIONS and LOOK FOR THE POSITIVE in our partners, selves and others.
Most of us are trying to do the best we can to improve our relationships and none of us is perfect (my self at the first of the line).
Perhaps you need to look carefully in the mirror to examine the plank in your eye before going after the speck in your wife's eye. My own plank tends to cloud my vision.
Peace. Please go talk to your parish priest. You need serious help.
