Hello, friends!
I just realized that my thread locked--and by my own hand! I haven't had to create a new thread in ages--hope I remember how. Here's the link to my old thread:
The universe works in mysterious ways X Things are OK with me--no big news. I watched "Waitress" last night--great movie, but parts of it were difficult for me to watch. I think I 've been in a funk for a few wekks, and when Keri Russel's character said that she was happy to have someone who thought what she said was important, I burst into tears. There have been a few times on this journey when H has been talking about something and then he's stopped and said, "If you/ someone were talking to me about something this much, I'd be wishing you/they would just shut up." Needless to say, I had a hard time sharing a lot of things with him for a while. I believe that this was par t of the MLC script and part of his insecruity, etc., but hearing someone else, albeit a fictional character, say what I want and don't have right now was an unexpected heart dart. I'm over it now, but I wanted to write about it here for a future reminder: this is what I want and need from a partner, whether it's H or not.
I have also decided to join a gym. I don't weigh anymore than I ever have, but I'll be 39 in Mrch, and things are starting to ...redistribute. I'm joining a gym where some of my work freidns go--it's on the way to and from school, so I can go right after work, and they have classes that I don't have to pay extra for, like yoga. I bought some workout clothes at Ross the other day and now I need to get shoes. I am not an exercise person, but I'm doing this so I can look my best for myself.
Here's a nice thing that happened: the other night H was over and we ML. Afterwards, he stayed in bed with me for a long time, letting me rub his head and back. Then he skooched over right against me and said he was cold. He wanted to be held and snuggled. THIS IS MY OLD H! I couldn't believe it! What a sweet interlude.
OK, that's it from me today. Be well, friends.
Lucky,
I would give my right arm to be with my x again, I love her so much I saw her at the mall today, coincidence I think not so I just keep on praying. You are lucky good luck any helpful hints?
Thank you,
Michael
Hello amd. I see so many glimpes of my GOOD old H too, that's why this recent turn of events is double hard again. Detached? who me? never heard of it!
I went to a yoga class today, and there is a series that starts in March that I plan to join if I can clear that night of my other stuff. I tried the gym and liked it, but my foot problems accelerated so much that I could barely walk and I had to get treated for that. It still doesn't take much to overdo that foot, but I think yoga won't hurt that foot, but the rest of my body sure is starting to ache.
Keep fighting the good fight, I have two girls 5 and 12 both very confused about the divorce final 9/07. My wife is deep in mid life crisis, had a major breakdown about 4 years ago I should have recognized it all more clearly. Now she is dating Steve, and you know what I don't care I love her so much and more than love I am committed to her I just can't stop it. At this point I don't care until God releases me from this commitment I will be there for her, every week when the kids come to the house I put her favorite candy in to take home small inspirational books they go home too, and for Valentines day there will be tulips and an nice card from me and a dvd of family pics from me and the girls. As far as the foot get a massage and I love yoga warrior pose is my fave. All kidding aside do what ever you can unless its a physically dangerous situation to God these things matter.
God Bless,
Michael
Me: 44
She 49
D12
D5
Together 20 Years
Married 15
Divorced Final 9-07 but still fighting
Thanks Hopeful! I posted ontyour thread. I hope you find a way through the nightmare that is MLC. I can't imagine trying after a divorce. Good luck to you!
WCW: Talk with the yoga instructor about your foot. He/ she should be able to give you some advice about how to adjust poses so that it doesn't flare up again--and they may have ideas about poses to strengthen it as well. It is so hard when you have those glimpses and then he pulls away again. I kow others are advising you to give him a shove off the fence. What to you feel about that? Are you ready? I ask myself this all the time, and since I don't have a definitive answer, I refrain.
Thanks amd, I'll see what they advise for yoga. My foot sure has flared up again and I am icing it.
I don't know if I can push him off the fence no matter how hard I try unless I would take legal action. I don't want to do that. I do know that this is a long way from the M I want to have, but I also know this a long way from where H was last year, and the year before, and the year before that.
I feel like he is taking steps in a good direction but he's just going a whole lot slower than I wish and any backslide is twice as hard as it ever was. Do I drum up more patience and keep waiting for him to emerge? there sure is plenty for me to work on yet before cutting myself loose from him and I don't think he is as detrimental as he was. Most days I feel like he is trying in his own way.
I have to get more of my thoughts together. The list I gave him is still where I left it, he hasn't touched it.
What do you think about what I said about showing love in HIS way?
How was your weekend? are you making plans for spring break yet?
Hello, darlings!
I am well, just not on the boards too much right now. Things seem to be pretty status quo. H has been laying low for a while, but we were both sick--I had a sinusy, coughy cold , and he had the stomach flu. Personally, I think, I got the better end of the deal in spite of the cough hanging on. This is often a tense time of year for us--V-Day, then his bday (today) and my bday (March 1). He actually came over tonight when I was in the middle of posting on someone's thread, but I can't remember whose. Now don't be shocked by this: he accepted the comedy CD I gave him with thanks, AND he ate the mini cheesecake I bought for us, AND he cleaned up after, AND he took the CD with him. I know, I know--who is this masked man?
I am working on GAL. I was feeling pretty down about H not being in contact at all for days in a row, and I'm trying to shake that off. I took a yoga class at the gym I want to join and liked it--boy was I sore the next day! SHows how much I need to get in there. I also took a day off yesterday and went to the Northwest Garden and Flower Show--never went before, was totally overwhelmed and exhausted by the time I left, but loved every minute of it! I am so ready for spring!
I also engaged in covert operations the other day: I gave H tribulus extract, a supplement that is supposed to help with depression in men who are going through andropause, aka "male menopause." I don't believe that this is the same thing as MLC, but I figured what the heck. It's also used to stimulate the libido (blush) and it's been used for body builders although there isn't much evidence to support that use. I found a brand that labels it as a supplement to use for athletes to help in their post-workout recovery--perfect for H because he complains about being so sore all the time. He took it with thanks. I'll report back about if it works or not..libido and all.
I have no plans yet for spring break, but I know I'll be in some part of Wisconsin for a wedding in July. Clearly I need more info about exact locations, but does anyone live out that way who wants to get together? Think about it and let me know.
I'm tired now, and I don't have much else to post anyway. Life rages on as always. Be well.
wildly waving hands in the air!!!! let me know when and where in July. Wisconsin can be big!
Your mention of your covert operations made me laugh. (((amd)))
Hi AMD,
I'm glad things are going better for you and H - how nice that he wanted to snuggle up with you! And good luck with your "covert operation"! heh heh heh heh...
Nicola
I am 39 today--and wiser and more gorgeous than ever!
I treated myself to a great day: had my cards read, then a facial and massage in the afternoon. Saw H this morning for a couple of hours--he is laying low these days and only manages to comeover once or twice a week. Nice visit--but no mention from him of my birthday. I know it's probably because of the whole JW BS, but it woudl be nice...wait! Is that an expectation I heard?
He did tell me to have a nice time at my massage. I also cracked open a bottle of wine I bought on my trip to Sonoma last summer--been saving it for a special occasion. Thought about going over to FF's, but tired tonight for some reason, so just relaxing here with the wine, a book, a fancy chocolate cupcake, and maybe a movie. Went out last night with friends from work for a Leap Day Friday. Two of them conspired to buy my dinner AND bought cheesecake for everyone for my b'day--I got the candle and all! So nice to feel loved.
BTW, Virago (card reader) said That H is really feeling sorry for himself but is on his way back--I need to keep patient (ugh) and continue doing the things I've been doing. He has to come through this on his own.
The good news is that there have been some glimpses of the old H recently. Virago told me he's studying something new, and I know what it is: native American artifacts. We just talked about it this morning. He used to be very interested in archeology--sounds like he's trying it on for size again. Also, he called me last Sat. and told me how muchhe liked the comedy CD I gave him for his b-day--it was Stephen Wright, kind of a kooky, smart guy. Then he said how "people he knows who are not educated wouldn't get it at all"--people being the JWs that he's hanging out with. They do not believe in higher education at all. I knew exactly what he was getting at and said, "Well, that's why they have Larry the Cable Guy." He paused and then really cracked up and said, "Yeah, I guess you're right."
He also told me last week that he recognizes that he is a people pleaser and often does things that he doesn't want to do because they are important to others. Then he asked if I thought that was true about him. I feared a landmine and just said that I know he has said that regarding his interactions with his family. I know that I'm a big pleaser myself--this is one of the habits that I am working hard at. What should I say if he brings this up again?
I feel good, friends. Be well.
Happy belated birthday, amd!!!!!! I am happy you treated yourself to a nice day!
Happy Brithday, amd
He also told me last week that he recognizes that he is a people pleaser and often does things that he doesn't want to do because they are important to others. Then he asked if I thought that was true about him. I feared a landmine and just said that I know he has said that regarding his interactions with his family. I know that I'm a big pleaser myself--this is one of the habits that I am working hard at. What should I say if he brings this up again?
The fact that he is not doing what you want confirms that he is not really a universal people pleaser, no
At this delicate stage, I'd say avoid any direct response, if you can. Otherwise, be as diplomatic as possible. Remember, men need to feel respected by their women.
Slowly
Thanks, guys! My favorite part of the day was when the massage therapist said, "Happy birthday! And don't worry--your thirties will be fantastic." I said, "Thanks, but I'm 39." He jumped a little and said "You're thirty-nine? I"m sorry--I didn't know you were 39." Then he continued to apologize. I'm going back there every day just so I can hear that again.
And Slowly, thanks for your thoughts there. I was really uncomfortable when he asked me--you confirmed my gut feelings on how to respond.
Not much new these days. H has been sticking to this new and reduced visitation plan: Tuesday and Saturday only, apparently. I didn't even see him yesterday, but that was not my problem--I was at a yoga class and then helped a friend making her wedding invitations. H called me a couple of times, and we finally connected in the afternoon on the phone. He had some scarey news. About a year ago (I think) he had a growth in the area under his chin. It was removed and was tested--all was wll. Last Tuesday he told me it was back, and it was bigger than before--I felt it. He went in to the doc on Thursday, and the doctor called in a plasitc surgeon to come deal with it on Friday. H went in very confidently becaue the last time this happened, it was a quick procedure with minimum discomfort. This time it didn't go so well. The mass they removed is being tested, and he feels OK about that, BUT the local anesthetic didn't take well and he felt everything that they did. He was pretty shaken by it all. I offered to bring him dinner, etc., but he didn't want anything, big surprise. I'm a little worried that he's back on Vicodin with this--he appeared to be developing a "mild" addiction, if there is such a thing, to it last year when I smashed my thumb. He was able to stop when he realized that it didn't feel good, but I really think it's easy for him to get hooked on something for a while--it numbs the pain that he feels. Anyway, he seems to be in his cave right now as a rule. I call once in a while to say hello and to let him know how FABULOUSLY I am doing :), but that's about it. I'm sending him a lot of postive energy right now to help him heal and to be healthy overall.
Here's something funny: when he was telling me about that Stephen Wright CD, he told me that there was a JW joke on it! I tell you, the universe has a great sense of humor. Here it is: I'm in the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I go door to door, but I tell them I'm someone else. He thought it was funny, which is probably a good sign. The old H would have thought it was hilarious.
I was out with FF last night, and we decided to go by H's place. I've never done that before. It was a drab duplex--two townhouses with nothing to indicate that anyone even lived there. Pretty pathetic. I didn't feel a whole lot seeing it. He often says stuff like, "I went back to my place...I don't know what to call it because it certainly isn't a home." I always think, "Well, buddy, you know where you can come if you want to be HOME." The pity parites continue almost everytime I see him. I just let him spin and keep showing him very quietly how different OUR HOME is from where he lives now...not much else I can do.
So life rages on. I finally joined the gym where I've taken these yoga classes--now that I've put money down, I will feel compelled to go. I'm enjoying the signs of spring and looking forward to getting out in the dirt. I'm working on our taxes, which I loathe, but it will be good to get that taken care of. I went to a free concert today with the Seattle Men's Chorus and Rick Steves, the travel guy from PBS. One of his thoughts really struck me: if something isn't to your liking, change your liking.
AND the Dalai Lama is coming to Seattle in April and I'm getting tickets to hear him speak!
I feel good.
BTW, I heard some funny jokes to on "Prairie Home Companion." Here's my favorite:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Control freak. Now you say, "Control freak who?"
HAH!
Be well, my friends. And for those of you who are buried in snow: Spring IS coming. Don't worry--you can't stop it.
You know, I DO feel good. But I'm lonely for H a lot of hte time. I go out with friends or on my own--more often on my own--and that's all great, but I want him. Nicola was just writing about not needing someone but wanting someone, and that's how I feel, only for me I want H. Ah well. I'm doing the best I can. I'm so thankful for how much I've grown and changed and learned and EVOLVED. Now I want to share it with him, the big dummy.
Since you feel good...turn up the volume
I Feel Good
Thanks IMP--just what I needed!
You're welcome. Now try this one
I Feel Good...take 2
Thanks for the "I feel good" start of my day!
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!! Sorry I missed it, beautiful, but it sounds like it passed without tears.
Here's to a
great year ahead.
Love,
Nicola
IMP, I think I like the second one better!!!
Glad to see you out and about, Matilda.
Nicola--love you, babe. It will be a great year because I intend to make it so.
My H is in WA this weekend, have you seen him yet? I think he is staying at the MLC hotel. Members get special rates!
You're sounding pretty great!
If I could find the MLC hotel, I might just blow it up.
Things here are good. I just finished conferences yesterday and have the day off as comp time for working till 8PM both Wed. and Thurs. H has been laying low--surfacing occasionally but not enough to my liking. He seemed to be starting a new pattern, but he didnt repeat it this week, possibly because he had conferences too. I will continue to observe.
I am so glad to have an extra day off this weekend. Today I spent the morning with FF making Shrinky Dinks. It was very relaxing and fun! H called while I was at FF's, but I didn't answer. Tried to call him back later but no answer on his end. Whatever. Now I'm going to finish the taxes. There's a big wine festival here tomorrow that I'm going to with friends. I feel good!
Random thoughts: I was thinking yesterday about how far I've come in the past year, and how much I've seen H change also. His changes are what keep me hanging on. I also laughed when I thought of how I used to post every single detail of our interactions--it was such a lifeline for me to journal here. I saw someone mention that a lot of old threads are gone, and I'm about to check that out--wish I'd printed all of mine before now. But if they're gone, oh well. Maybe it's a reminder that we shouldn't hang on to the past too tightly.
Also, we've had snow here, which is very unusual for this area. Reminds me of how grateful I am for spring!
Be well, friends.
Random thoughts: I was thinking yesterday about how far I've come in the past year, and how much I've seen H change also. His changes are what keep me hanging on. I also laughed when I thought of how I used to post every single detail of our interactions--it was such a lifeline for me to journal here. I saw someone mention that a lot of old threads are gone, and I'm about to check that out--wish I'd printed all of mine before now. But if they're gone, oh well. Maybe it's a reminder that we shouldn't hang on to the past too tightly.
Oh my, I remember those days too! I have so many threads b/c I just posted every single thing that happened and that I felt/thought. It was necessary at the time, but for a while now, I haven't bothered, and it's nice to not feel that it's necessary for my sanity.
I like the way you look at the possible loss of the threads: we shouldn't hold on to the past too tightly. It is tempting sometimes, but unhealthy. I have been remembering the bad times b/t X and me, but that's no better than remembering only the good times.
I am really pleased to hear that you are happy with your personal growth. As you posted on my thread, we just have to go with the flow, ha ha ha! I wonder if all teachers have a streak of control freak in them - do you?
N
I wonder if all teachers have a streak of control freak in them - do you?
You know, that's a great question. Previous to this "event" in my life, I would have assured you that there is NO WAY that I, the fabulous and humble amd, could be anything remotley like a control freak. Now I know better. This has been one of the biggest lessons for me from this whole mess, and one that I keep learning. I am the person who reads the beginning of the book, then flips to end, and then reads to rest. I have to know how it's going to turn out. Why else do I get my tarot cards read? I want to know how it's all going to turn out! I always wanted to be in charge because I know best. This comes from lots of places, including being the oldest in the family, from my mom's behavior, etc.
The big secret that I finally discovered and keep trying to get through my thick skull is this: we don't really have control over anything. On a day to day basis, I can control my reactions and thoughts and feelings, but ultimately, life rages on however it's going to go, and you may as well choose to go with the flow. I heard Wayne Dyer talk about this once years ago, long before I knew anything about him and his philosophy. He said that the song "Row Your Boat" is a fantastic metaphor for life, and then he took it apart line by line. He said:
* Whose boat are you going to row? YOURS. Don't try to row anyone else's boat.
* How are you going to row it? Gently, and DOWN the stream. Don't try to row upstream.
* And row merrily; why? Because life is but a dream.
I try to bear this in mind at all times. Sometimes it really comes in handy!
BTW, I got my cards read yesterday. H has been completely silent for almost a full week, and he's spent a lot of money recently, which really ticked me off because he also hasn't done anything to address the mountain of debt that he's accrued. Virago said he's not been around because he's embarrassed about the debt and is afraid of bill collectors. She said if we get this out of the way, it will make it easier for him to move through the end of the MLC tunnel. She recommended that I be more aggressive in solving this issue and gave me the name of a good mortgage broker to check out some refinancing possibilities for us. I think she's dead on about his guilt, and I'd pretty much resolved to move in this direction anyway, but it helped to have an outside opinion of sorts. She also helped me figure out how to say it all in DB language so that I wasn't smacking him in the face with frustration and anger. I used it in a message last night. Result: he called me this afternoon and said he' thought I might be out of town because he hadn't heard from me in several days. I guess none of my messages made it through and none of my non-message calls showed up on his received calls.
Whatever. I was happy to see him tonight.
I'm enjoying spring break. I'm working a lot on house stuff. Today I recaulked the tub. Talk about feng shui! I keep walking back in there to look at my handiwork!:) H was just here, and I managed to include him in the project, sort of: I asked if the caulk needed to be thicker. He said yes. I said, "Thanks, I needed an expert opinion." He just laughed--he is NOT handy, and he knows it. He also asked about other projects, and I told him that I might need his help replacing the closet doors in the bedroom. He said OK, but we all know how that goes.
One thing I need to confess to you all: I ironed a shirt that he left here a few weeks ago just to be nice and saw that there was a laundry mark below the button holes. On closer inspection, I saw it was ow's name. First I crossed it out with a Sharpie, and then I cut it out completely and ironed interfacing over to hole so it won't fray. If he notices, I plan to be as vague as possible about how that might have happened. Not a great plan, but I think it may work on his MLC peabrain.
OK, I guess that's it. I hate it when he leaves. Thanks for letting me babble. Be well, friends.
One thing I need to confess to you all: I ironed a shirt that he left here a few weeks ago just to be nice and saw that there was a laundry mark below the button holes. On closer inspection, I saw it was ow's name. First I crossed it out with a Sharpie, and then I cut it out completely and ironed interfacing over to hole so it won't fray. If he notices, I plan to be as vague as possible about how that might have happened. Not a great plan, but I think it may work on his MLC peabrain.
Hee hee - priceless! Almost as good as gluing his cologne shut!
I like that "Row your boat" mnemonic; I think it will be useful for me too. Realizing that I actually have very little control - none really - over what happens to me (not what I do with it) is a lesson I need to keep learning, over and over and over again. I am getting better about it, though.
The messages...yeah, let it go. At least his lies are so obvious you don't have to worry that you'll actually fall for them!
Love,
Nicola
About that DB way to address the mega debt that H has piled up...care to share more specifics? I have to get across that pile too.
Do you have any plans yet for WI in July?
Hide the whole shirt, do you think he will miss it? Was it a test for you? Is he watching?
Nicola: We are both better than we used to be, baby! BTW, I agree about when BOTH parties decide that they are no longer married--I was trying to say the same thing but didn't want to belabor point on your thread.
Thanks for remembering Operation Glue the Cologne Shut--I feel that it was one of my triumphs!
WCW: No, I don't think the shirt is a test. I think he may not even know that her name was in it. He is not at his most observant while under the MLC influence. It is hanging in his closet right now. Here's something else interesting: when he arrived on Tuesday night, he was dressed up as if he'd been to a JW meeting (argh!) and carried his "comfy" clothes. After we were in the throes of passion, he changed into them and left his dressy clothes on the bedroom floor. About 10 minutes or so after he left, he came back for the clothes and said that he'd realized that he left them lying around and apologized for it because it wasn't very nice of him. Crazy, right? I told him that it didn't matter, and he apologized again, so I thanked him for thinking of it. Too bad I didn't get a look inside that shirt as well!
I'm still figuring out my Wisconsin plans. I think I'm supposed to fly into Minneapolis and drvie a few hours. It's all a mystery to me right now--I'll let you know more soon!
After we were in the throes of passion
amd, I know you're not posting as often or as much but hey! you just snuck this in the middle there...
It's nice you have that connection. Do you think it is helping you and H?
At the risk of offending please take this in the helpful manner it is intended. There was Operation Glued Cologne, Operation Missing Skates(or shoes?), Operation Omit Laundry Label. Does ow still have too much power of your thoughts and actions?
Hope you're getting lots done but still enjoying your spring break!
You don't offend me, WCW. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about ow--in fact, I rarely think of her. When I saw here name in his shirt, though, I was angry that I had to think of her at all. I don't want any reminders of her around me. That's why I cut the name out.
And it was skates.
Re. ML: I think it does help. Maybe that's just me, but but those fibroids made sex unpleasant for a long time. I didn't know how to tell him that, but I wan't very enthusiatic because I never knew if/ when the pain was going to hit me. I want H to know that that isn't a problem now. I worry that I'm fooling myself about this connection sometimes, though. To me it is ML, and I think it is for him as well, but who knows how he sees it, really.
I have enjoyed this break for the most part. Yesterday I heard the Dalai Lama speak in Seattle. IT WAS AWESOME! He is very humble and funny, and he had a very simple but inspiring message: show compassion to everyone. I will post more details later--H may be by, and I don't want to be on here when he comes. Today I am doing regular shore stuff and waiting for the plumber--the pipe under the bathroom sink is leaking. H just called few minutes a go to "say hi and check in." Apparently he has promised memebers of his congregation to help them with their taxes, and he wanted to know from me how long it takes on the computer. I find this interesting--this is a man who never wanted to be involved in the financial aspect of our life together, and now he's telling people that he can help them. I guess it may be just to download the progam or something, but still...maybe it's a sign of maturity? And I can't help but wonder who these people are exactly.
Ok, that's it. Be well!
Hello, my darlings! I can't believe that it's been so long since I posted. I am well, just ...busy. Lazy. Living life. I will post all my news soon--nothing big, just another R talk about a month ago--not long after my last post, actually. anyway, I want to know what you think about it, but I don't have time right now. I am thinking about you all, as always. Be well, and happy spring--almost summer!!!!
Good to see you in high spirits, my friend
SLOWLY!!! So good to hear your "voice!" What are you up to these days??
Life rages on, friends. I survived another anniversary. Our 11th. I resolved to make it a fantastic day for myself regardless of H. I was surprised when he showed up in the evening--he works so hard to not acknowledge anything like this and has not stopped in AT ALL on weekends in ages. I bought a chunk of amethyst crystal for him--I hesitated at first, but the selenite I gave him for Christmas was a big hit, so I figured I'd go ahead. Glad I did--he seemed interested in it, and I was very casual about giving it to him and didn't actually mention the reason.
I gave myself an iPod.
Anyway, we watched the end of the hockey game together, and chatted, and he left saying that he might be back later. He tried to call but my phone was on silent. I called him when I saw that, and he returned when I was in bed watching "The Pink Panther." My sense was that he remembered exactly what day it was and wanted to spend time together. Was it everything I wanted? Of course not. But I was happy to spend time with him.
So here's the convo from about a month ago. Let me know if you have any particular insights:
He called late on a Sunday night and sounded exhausted and unhappy. I can't remember how he led into it--I must have asked if he was all right. He said he didn't want to get into a big talk right then. I said OK, talk to me when you're ready, and he said, "I am ready, but I don't want to talk about it right now." So I said let me know when you're ready, and we went into it.
He said, "You must be tired of this," meaning the situation between us. I said he doesn't seem to know what he wants, and he said, "It's not that simple," and started talking about how we don't seem to spend any time together. I asked why he thinks that is, and he said, "Well, either you're doing something or I am." I said, "H, I've called you many times; do you really think I don't want to see you or do things with you?" His response: "No, I guess not, but...." I think that somewhere in here I asked him directly if he wants to divorce me, and he said no.
He was panicked about the financial situation--BTW, we have refinanced to pay off debt and expect to close by the end of the month. At the point of this convo, I was making an appointment to talk with a mortgage broker that a friend recommended, and H said, "I guess there may be a chance to find a way out of this." I just said that if we worked together, we would find a way.
I took the initiative then and said it may not matter to him, but I could tell him some things that I was certain of and that I knew to be true(and although my voice got tight and high, I didn't cry once during this convo):
* I love him more than I could ever promise or say and I want us to be together;
* I will not live like this forever, but I am happy. Maybe happy isn't the right word, but I am conent. I am OK with giving him the time and space that he needs;
* In the meantime, I AM happy with my life, with what I do, and with what I've learned about myself. He said "I know that," and I said, "Good. I'm glad you know that."
He said, "Of course that matters to me. I'm not happy with where we are." I said, "Then figure out where you want to be instead."
So I figured we were heading for a BIG talk soon...and it came a few days later. I made the appt. with the mortgage broker, and H was really wound up about it--wanted to get our story straight about how we got into this mountain of debt, etc. Total concern about reputation and loss of face--textbook MLC guilt. I affirmed and validated and waited for him to start whatever he was going to talk about--I'm not afraid of anything he might say anymore. This convo was unusual in that it was very affirming of me:
First he complimented me on my hair and my jewelry--all pieces that he's given me. He said I looked really pretty. He went into financial stuff for a moment--he said, "Obviously I don't want to come back here (to the house) or I would be here," and that the financial issues "complicate things more" for us. He also said he's rally happy at his job for the first itme in a long time and that he thinks about becoming a child pysch. I told him I thought he'd be great at that. And he would.
He said, "I don't understand why you're still around. Who would blame you if you got swept off your feet and snatched up by someone else?"
Well, duh.
That was an inside thought. Outside I just listened.
He went on, "If I were in your situation, I'd have kicked the sh!t out of someone by now and locked you out of the house." I immediately went for humor and said, "Well, you're too big for me to kick the sh!t out of, H. I just planned on killing you in your sleep." He started to laugh and said, "Kill me in my sleep...That's funny! I like it!" I smiled and said, "Yeah," and then went totally deadpan and said, "Don't think I didn't think about it." He went a little pale and said, "Seriously?" and I laughed and said, "No!" and then deadpan again, "But it makes you pause, doesn't it?" We both laughed at this point.
He said that people think we're already D'ed. I asked who, and he told me about some people at work who are fishing for info--clearly some kind of convo has been going on in his school.
By now I was crying, and he said that he was talking about me crying and how I'm NOT a big crier, which I found remarkable because I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat, but he said he meant that I don't cry in a manipulative way. Apparently this was in a convo with his mother.
He described an incident to her when we watched "The Muppets Christmas Scpecial" and how they flashed onto Jim Henson and I burst into tears. I remembered exactly what he was talking about and laughed and said, "I guess that's pretty silly," and he got a huge smile on his face and said, "
No. Not at all." He looked at me so lovingly. I said, "I guess I must feel safe crying in front of you. I don't do that with many people."
Then we talked about he house. He said, "If money grew on trees, I would pay off all the debt and this house and sign it over to you." I said, "But I don't want it, " and he seemed shocked, like he hasn't heard this the umpteen times I've said it over the past 3 years.
So we talked about the value of selling vs. waiting. He said, "It's funny...this would be the perfect time to just be here and be content with this place," like he meant for both of us to be here. I just agreed.
He said, "I wasn't good to you, not as a husband and not as a friend." I told him that that isn't true, but he kept going. He said, "I tried to be a good H to you, to be what I thought you wanted , but there were things that bothered me that I never talked about." He said it bothered him that he has no R with any of my family. I said that that may be due to my R with my family, that it's part of my baggage, and he said, "You have no baggage. I know people with baggage. You don't have any." I don't know where he was going with that--it felt a little competitive, actually, so I dropped it. I tired to come back to the deeper aspects of this later, but he said he couldn't think of anything else that bothered him that he didn't talk about, so I encouraged him to share with me if he thought of anything later. To date, that hasn't come up again.
He said that sometimes he thinks that he wants to go off and establish himself
somehow doing
something, then take care of me and rebuild that way.
I told him that I love him, I want him, I need him, and I want to reconcile and rebuild our M. He said, "I think about how to go back, but I know it can't be like that again." I agreed and added that I don't want how it was, I want something new. He asked, "Do you care that I thought we would be D'ed? I have all the paperwork." I admit that I was surprised to hear this, but I don't know why--I guess because he still has all the forms. I asked if he wants that
now, and he said sometimes he thinks so. I just wanted to get out of this part completely, so I said that I didn't care that he felt that way
then.
He said, "I have no reason on earth to not want you or need you." He talked about how he's always been moving away from me in our R, first to move out here to the west coast, then another time when he was going to Utah for 6 months. I
didn't say that he always ended up coming back.
So by the end, I was still crying a lot. He was very concerned for me and said, "I don't want you to be upset." I said, "It's not
you, H. I'm not upset by you." He said, "It's an upsetting situation." I agreed and asked, "Are you upset by it?" and he said, "Yes," and looked like he was trying not to cry. This is
eons away from the talk we had on New Year's Eve when he implied that he was too detached from the situation to be upset. I said ILY, and he said it back--it actually sounded real.
Nothing has really changed between us since this convo. I told him once recently that I would like to see him more often, especially on the weekends, but not enough time has passed for me to see any results. He called me one morning at work to tell my something about hockey--that hasn't happened in about forever. Baby steps...
That's it. Thanks to anyone who got through it all. Thoughts?
Be well, friends.
Well, I have just had a long week emotionally.
Our refi somehow went wonky when the woman who handles the signing told me H has to be there as well because he co-owns the house--apparently this lender is quite picky about this. I couldn't get a hold of H, and she told me that she could come in on Sat. AM to meet him and have him sign--that I just needed to call her cell number. I called and called, and she never responded. I hope she's OK, but I hope even more that our deal hasn't been lost. This was the end of the time period allowed to get it all done, otherwise we lose the rate we locked in on.
Plus the kids are winding up at school, and we had the science expo and an art auction, and I think I might have a cold because I wasn't feeling too great.
And that was all on top of me going a little nuts in my head because I haven't heard from or seen too much of H this week. I left a v-mail about the final signing and asked for his help with other stuff--remained vague deliberately so he would call. He did and said he didn't want to be at the signing--this was obviously before we found out he needed to be there. I was so disappointed. Big red flag: EXPECTATIONS. I dwelled on it all day. I couldn't shake it off.
And he's tanning again, which always meant that he was going somewhere with ow. Asking him about it didn't do any good last Sat., because why would I believe him when he said he wasn't going anywhere? He came over yesterday and was noticably darker, so I asked again, and he said he wants to go somewhere fun but isn't going anywhere. I said, "I want to go somewhere fun. Let's go somewhere together." He was uncomfortable, but I continued, saying, "It would be so nice to get away together." He said, "Yes, it would be nice to get away." I grabbed him by the shoulders and said, "NO. I said it would be nice to get away TOGETHER." He said, "Yes, I was agreeing with you. That would be great. But I know how I am." I have no idea what that was about. I said, "It would be nice to go away together and leave everything behind and just be thankful for every day we spent together." He agreed. Then he left.
So then I called Virago and went for a counseling/ tarot reading session. I walked in and she said, "You look funky. What's wrong?"
We talked for over an hour, and I realized that I have done some major backsliding recently. I got all crazy in my head letting my imagination run away with me, worrying aout money and the future of our R. I don't even know when I went off track, but I think it was just this week. I need to get focused again and put the brakes on all the negative thoughts whirling around in my brain. I went for a long walk last night and that helped.
So lesson learned: I need to go back to the beginning and really monitor myself for negativity. Get focused on my own growth and healing and not play the shoulda-coulda-woulda game. Stop wondering about where he is and who he's with and when he's going to get it together. Quit wishing and simply BE.
Those are my profound thoughts for the day. Be well, friends. Happy June!!!
((amd)) It's been a long road, you've been a rock. Are you ok with the path you're on or are 180's in order with your H?
This is always a stressful time of year for you, let some of it go until school is out and you'll have a clearer mind to deal with the rest of the load.
Thanks WCW! You're right on about the time of year. I need to slow down to one day at a time.
I feel like I've done so many 180s through out this process that I'm in danger of ending up back where I started. He is not in contact much this week, so I'm just leaving him be--didn't even call when the Penguins lost the Stanley Cup finals. I left a VM this morning to say hello, but that was it. I think my 180s right now are along the lines of just leaving him alone and refocusing on me.
To take care of myself this week, I went to yoga on Thursday and out with work friends last night for drinks, then on to a production of Rocky Horor Picture Show. I have never seen the stage production--didn't even know there was one, actually--and had a BLAST! An actor tried to take me up on the stage at the end, but I wouldn't go--I'm happy to dance anonymously in the audience, but onstage is a different story! Today I'm cleaning and organizing--good feng shui in that. Tomorrow I may go see the "Sex and the City" movie with FF. So lots of nice things for myself and little dwelling on my situation. When I think of H, I say a little prayer for his healing and move on.
That's all from me. Be well, friends.
Hmmm...no sooner did I post this than H walked in the door. We had a little chitchat and some tea. We talked about the Penguins and hockey. We talked about money. Nothing big, just about when the check from the refi will arrive, the balance in our account right now, etc. I asked about all the gorceries he's been buying, because I know they aren't fo rhim, and he admitted that he's been buying food for those two young men that he's friends with--former students who he's stayed close to for a long time now. The point I wanted to get across was that we need to think about our own needs first, and I think he heard me.
Then he said that he's thought about coming over here a couple of times during the week but thought it was too late and didn't want to bug me. I told him I'm always happy to see him and that later means I have an excuse to pull him into bed with me.
When he left, he said he'd probably be back soon. Maybe so, maybe not. Either way, I'm making myself a nice dinner. Too bad he can't eat any of it--he's doing that weird cleasing diet when you drink salt water and then some kind of mixture of water, maple syrup,lemon juice, and cayenne. No, I'm serious, he is. Sounds crazy to me, but whatever. I'm glad that I'm not a perosn with body image issues, I guess.
Anyway, if anyone's out there, be well.
I need to go back to the beginning and really monitor myself for negativity. Get focused on my own growth and healing and not play the shoulda-coulda-woulda game. Stop wondering about where he is and who he's with and when he's going to get it together. Quit wishing and simply BE.
Hi amd,
Havne't posted to you before but I thought this quote above was so great. I am going to try to use it to regain some much needed focus for myself too! Sounds like you are doing a really great job with staying active, GAL activities. I hope I can get there one day!!
Purr
Thanks for dropping by, Purr! As you can see from my registration date, I've been at this a long time and I still went off the rails and didn't even realize it for a bit. Don't get discouraged. Someone had a great quote in their signature line once that I've always remembered: seven times down, eight times up. It does get easier.
Be well.
I am on vacation and love it!
School finished well, and I'm looking forward to working with those same kids next year. Nothing beats having summers off. I read a quote from Henry James the other day that said something liek this: "Summer afternoon, summer afternoon...the two most beautiful words in the English languge." Amen, brother!
At the same time, it's hard to go from 60 to 0 in a day. I have lots of projects, but I have so much more itme to think about H and our M. Need to be careful not to gt maudlin. I went out with a GF--the one who's getting M'ed in July in WI--to see Get Smart. It was so fun and funny. It won't win an Oscar anytime soon, but I laughed hard and felt better for it.
Nothing new with H. He's laying low but makes contact. I miss him, but I feel like I'm doing a good job moving forward with my own healing and growing.
So nothing huge from me. Life rages on!
Be well, friends. Happy, happy summer!
Laughter is good medicine. Honest! A doctor told me that those big laughs make you use your back and shake it and it is physically good for you.
This weekend I am hosting an equestrian yoga clinic. Someone asked me "how do you make the horse sit like that?"
Did you ever figure out what city or when the wedding is?
WCW:
This weekend I am hosting an equestrian yoga clinic.
OK, this alone made be laugh for at least 4 minutes straight. I think I was picturing people doing yoga on horses. What is this exactly? And how did it go?
I am going to WI on July 11-13 in the Lacrosse area, I think. The challenge I face right now is that the woman I will travel and room with is in Mexico until Wednesday. I want to buy my ticket but I don't want to assume anything about leaving at o-dark thirty on Sunday morning to catch a flight in Minneapolis without talking with her. I'm trying to TM her as her cell isn't picking up at all. Craziness! It will work out one way or another. So anyway, are you around there?
UPDATE:
We are supposed to have a real scorcher this wekend, so I prepared yesterday by mowing the lawn in front (which desperately needed it) and putting in the AC unit in the bedroom window. Now, I am 4'11" and weigh 94 lbs. I had to put that unit in by myself last year and removed it in the fall. I thought about asking H to come do it, but he's always acted like it was such a HUGE IMPOSTION for me to even ask. I can get it done, but it takes a lot of balancing and praying, as in, "Please don't let me drop this AC unit on my foot. Please don't let this old window drop down on me while I lean out and sever me at the waist." I managed to get it in there after a lot of work and a minimum of cursing.
Last night, H came in the door around 9:30, which was within 3 minutes of me getting into bed and turning off the light. I was pooped, but I rallied. He asked if I'd mowed and said it looked good. Then he said, "You put in the AC? I was going to do that for you right now!"
Damned if you do and damned if you don't, right?
So I said, "Yeah, I put it in...and it was really hard. It took me a long time." I did not whine exactly, I was more pouty in a big-eyed, poor little me tone of voice. If the light had been on, I'd have made the big eyes and the pout.
He said, "You shouldn't be lifting things this heavy. It's not good for you."
I said, "Well, I didn't want to bother you..." and left it at that.
He stayed for about an hour or so. When he left he said, "I guess I have ot go." I said, "Why don't you bring some clothes with you next time and stay over. We can greet the new day together. Think about it." He said OK.
He doesn't have AC in his place. Maybe I can play that this weekend...
I'm gong to a wedding on Sat. night. No other big plans at the moment, but who knows what will come up?
Be well, friends.
No big updates from me. H is out of town on a road trip with a MF. This is a lot like the old H, so I'm happy he went. I wish he'd be in touch, though. No word from him since he left a week ago. Ah well. In a weird way I am relieved that he's gone. I'm not on tenterhooks wondering if he's going to show up suddenly. This is really good for me and my PMA--reminds me to do for ME.
In the meantime, I have gone riding, relaxed with friends, worked in the yard and the house, sunbathed, watched movies, and bought my ticket to WI for yet another wedding this weekend. I've never been there before, and I am looking forward to getting away for a couple of days. The woman who was planning on going with me has not been in touch at all, so I went ahead and took care of myself. I have no time for flakiness!
Be well, friends.
Isn't it nice not walking on eggshells???
Ellie
Ellie, how are things with you? going ok?
amd, I'm glad your ride went better than my most recent! Let me know if you change your mind about a meetup. Do you have a rental car? Lacrosse is barely in WI, surely you'll want to drive around and see a little more on the wonderful scenery.
Ellie: That is TOTALLY what I mean! It's easier not to be so angry without him around as well. I want ot sustain this when he comes back from his trip--physically and metaphorically. Any ideas out there?
WCW: I am so glad you were OK after your ride! I am sharing a rental car with another woman. We are going to be in and out, which is why I don't think I'll be able to hook up with you this time. The wedding is Saturday afternoon, and I leave the next morning.
UPDATE:
* I leave tomorrow for the weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it. I plan to buy a jug of bug repellant when I get there--I her that the mosquitoes are humongous right now because of all the recent flooding.
* Also, I have misplaced my diamond wedding band and another diamond ring that H gave me
somewhere in my own house.
I've searched for 2 days and haven't come up with them. I am distraught. Please, everyone, send me good thoughts to find my rings!
Be well, everyone.
I forgot about this: I read Dear Abby the other day and a woman was scared to drive with her H because he is the road rage poster child. Abby responded by pointing out that many angry drivers are actually displacing anger about something else in their lives. This totally happened with my H. We used to just podunk along and not worry about how slowly we drove...and then he did a 180 and became very aggressive, angry, speedy, etc. I wish I could pinpoint exactly when, but I know it was after the MLC started. Just something that makes you go "Hmmm."
Are you still in the airport somewhere trying to get back home?
Sorry your trip was so short but I hope you got to enjoy something besides the bugs!
Been sending lots of good thoughts so those rings must have turned up by now.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for those good thoughts! The rings turned up last Tuesday morning--in a pile of magazines on the coffee table. I moved that pile so many times but didn't go thru it. I can't tell you how relieved I was! Coincidentally (and we all know by now that there is no such thing), H came by that night for the first time in 2 weeks, back from his trip to So. Cal. and Mexico. He has no idea they were missing, and he never will as far as I'm concerned.
My own trip was awesome! I have to say that WI and MN are very pretty but very flat, at least where I was. I ended up helping out a lot on Sat. morning before the wedding with little details that were stressing the bride and her mom out, like the flowers showing up late, etc., and they were very grateful to have an extra pair of hands. The wedding itself was GORGEOUS. The reception was a lot of fun--I am not a big dancer, but after a few drinks I really let it all hang out and had a blast! At midnight, a shuttle dropped the bride and groom off at the B and B we all stayed in, and then it took us barhopping. One of the highlights was when the bouncer checked my ID, shook his head reflexively and said, "No, you're not." I love this man now. We closed the bar at 2 AM, went back to the B and B and hung out in the backyard.
And I flirted.
With a cute guy 10 years younger than me.
It was FUN.
I really had to decide if I wanted it to go any further than flirting.
It felt GOOD to be pursued and to feel desirable.
But I kissed him on the cheek and said good night.
I am still smiling to myself about it.
I went to bed at 3:30--got up at 7:00 without a hangover (!) and heade out on the 3-hour drive to the airport. It was long day, but so worth it!
I have to say that flirting also gave me a window into how affairs start. That feeling of being wanted was pretty heady. Never an excuse, but a reason.
H was shocked to hear that I went to WI. Good mystery opportunity there. In the past week, he's been by a few times. He brought the fixings for margaritas and left them here--many afternoons he's stopped in, mixed us a drink or two, and spent a little time with me. Very nice.
In other news, a nest of yellowjackets has shown up outside my back door. I got stung on the head yesterday evening when I walked out. Those buggers are going down, man! The problem is that I don't see how to get them out. I sprayed this morning, but it only infuriated them. I may need to call a pro in. H looked and suggested this. Any other ideas?
Be well, friends!
Hey there!
I'm glad you had such a nice holiday, and it sure is good to feel desireable. Our self-esteem takes such a beating from all this.
I had a wasp problem and actually called someone in. He wore a spacesuit to spray them, so I'm glad I didn't do it!!
Great that you found the rings, btw.
Thanks for your continued positive support.
Love,
N
Hi Nicola! Thanks for checking in on me. Are you headed to Maine sometime soon? I remember you making that trip in years past.
Thanks for your continued positive support.
Right back atcha, girly!
No big updates here. H seems to be repeating his previous pattern of staying away on weekends. I'm frustrated right now because he's using the refi money to spend, not to pay off debt as we agreed, which means that I need to lay this boundary out there more clearly: this is not money to play with. I'm ready to do it kindly and clearly. I'll let you know how it goes.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on GAL. I think that flirting made me feel worse right now--reminded me of what I want from H and am not getting. Went to see
The Dark Knight today--great effects! I have plans to meet a friend for drinks tomorrow, and there's a big art thing going on downtown on Saturday that I'm looking forward to. So life rages on.
One thing I meant to post before: H was by one day and said that the house looks better than he ever remembers it looking when he was here. I just smiled. It's probably due to the fact that I'm not waiting around for him to pick up his part of the chores. I hope that a little bit of it is from him starting to surface from the vat of MLCBS he's been swimmng in for so long.
BTW, I had someone spray the bees. He collects nests for free and sells them to a company that makes allergy shots from the venom. This nest was too small to collect, but he took care of it for me for free. Good to know there are nice people out there!
Be well, friends. And to all the teachers out there: we still have another month of summer!
hey kiddo! just stopping by to say hi!
ALWAYS!! I'm so glad to hear from you! Fill us in your your fab life these days!!
UPDATE: Not much to say, I guess. I challenged H to take me to a baseball game last week. He considered it but claimed to not be able to find good tickets. In the same convo, I confronted the spending issue. He got defensive at first, but I stuck to my guns and stayed kind, made it a "we" covno instead of a "you" convo, and said what I needed to say. I know he heard me, but I don't think he's started paying on the debt yet. I've decided that If I don't see action by the end of the month, I'll ask him to bring all the paperwork here so we can do it together. Thoughts?
Today I was disappointed because I got a pair of tickets from a student for tonight's game--great seats, Mariners aginst Devil Rays, who lead the AL East. I told H about it last week and invited him along. I left a sassy VM this morning asking what time he was going to pick me up. When I spoke to him around noon, he was a little upset because he didn't want to go and felt badly about it. He assured me that it wasn't because of me--I told him that I didn't think it was anyway-- but he just wasn't into it. I didn't EXPECT him to go exactly, but I HOPED he would and was so sad that he didn't. I spoke to H a little after the second call just with fun stuff--I wanted him to think I wasn't affected by his decision even thought I really was. I guess that sounds pretty childish.
The silver lining here is that one of his big complaints earlier in the MLCBS was that he did things because I wanted to do them, not because he wanted to. This time he let me know how he really felt, and I appreciate that even though I was sad.
I decided to give the tickets to FF who just got married in WI because I didn't really know anyone else who I'd enjoy the game with. I spent the rest of the day licking my wounds a little. Wine helped.
I might go downtown for the Bon Odori festival--there's one every year here, and I've never gone. It depends on the weather, though--lots of rain today.
I hate this part of the rollercoaster!
Oh well--tomorrow is another day. Be well, friends.
I agree with your thoughts on the debt, don't let it go any longer or it will just get worse.
What things does your H like to do? What did you used to do together? Can you rekindle any of that?
Summer is almost over and I never got the invitation to your BBQ. ????
WCW: The BBQ was last summer! I watied and waited and you never showed.
I've been thinking about having people over again though. The 30th is the second new moon of the month--doesn't happen all the time, kind of a "blue moon." That might be fun to do.
Re. stuff he likes to do and what we used to do together: baseball games was one of the biggies, and you saw how well that went over. He has not taken me up on any of my invitations for meals, walks, etc. I think my best bet with him right now is to get that debt cleared (read more below) and to keep GALing and creating mystery where I can.
UPDATE: I was out with a friend last Sunday afternoon, and guess who was here at the house for a lot of hte time that I was gone...funny, yes? I thought so, anyway. He came by the next day and made us some margaritas. We actually spent about 3 hours together--this is a record of some sort, I'm sure! He immediately brought up the debt issue--his parents and his brother got calls from a collection agency, and H was very embarrassed about it. I asked if he wanted to bring the paperwork over here and tackle it together, and he said he might. So that issue has been broached with out too much trouble--hurray! Now to get him to follow through...
My parents will be here tomorrow and leave Tuesday to drive to San Franciso to visit with my younger brother. They are finishing an Alaskan cruise. They are only here for a couple of days becuase they are anxious to get home to check on my youngest brother who is an alcoholic--in and out of recovery, but mostly out. He relies on them heavily, and this is the first time they've been away for so long without him and without daily contact. In spite of the short time and the fact that they are staying in a hotel and not in my home, I am nervous about their visit, mostly about my mom. I will be positive and loving, but I don't want to talk about my M with her, and this is the first time they've been here since this whole situation started. H will not make an appearance--he confessed that he is "terrified" of seeing them right now.
I've been painting this week--more home feng shui! I painted the kitchen walls--I plan to do the cabinets this fall--and the water-stained sun porch walls and ceiling. It won't look different to anyone who doens't know our house, but it feels different to me, and I think it looks fantastic! Still a little more to do in the sun porch. I've also been clearing out a LOT of clutter from storage spaces. Again, the atmosphere feels really good to me!
Today I am tired--did not sleep AT ALL last night. Gave myself permission to not walk this morning with FF and to skip yoga. I need to clean anyway for my parents arrival. Also, it is supposed to be 98 degrees today--this is insanely hot for this area. I may go the a salmon festival at one of the reservation casinosin the afternoon or to Hempfest downtown--I know what you're thinking!--but I might just hunker down in the breeze of the fan and drink chilled white wine.
It's going to be a great day today because I choose to make it so!
Be well, friends. Oh, today is a full moon lunar eclipse. Look for opportunites to get rid of all kinds of "stuff" in your life!
Hello, friends!
The visit with my folks went very well. I missed them when they left, so it must have been good!
H was here once since then. I am really missing him right now. There are a lot of factors in this: the end of summer vacation(say it ain't so, Joe), the anniversary of his moving out in such a cowardly fashion, the rain that's here today and will last for a few days--must mean that fall is on its way. I look at how far I've come in the past few years and celebrate that, but I want HIM. So I went for some retail therapy
and I'm reading an easy, fun book with a couple of glasses of wine.
Good news on the financial front: when H was here he wrote a check for one of the big bills he needs to pay off. That felt great! I can see that he's paid on 1 or 2 others as well. Could he really be growing up??
Two days of meetings this week; then a day to set up my room next Tuesday and kids on Wednesday. It's always hard to say goodbye to summer for me, but I'm looking forward to the school year. That being said, I'm getting another glass of wine!
Be well.
Dropping by with a hi and keep on keeping on.
Glad your parents visit went well, and H is showing some financial responsibility baby steps.
More wine might be needed before school starts!
Well, I made it back to work. We started last week, and I must say that if I must go back (and since I'm not independently wealthy, I must), I'm grateful to work with so many great colleagues and kids. My school loops, so I have the same students this year as 6th graders that I had last year as 5th graders. They are awesome! And once I got back in the groove, it was fine. Of course the whole getting up early and living by the work schedule thing is killing me after sleeping in and being able to use the bathroom whenever I needed to, but it all works out.
H has been around now and then. The transition from summer vacation to work is always difficult for him, and it is worse this year because our district has changed starting times across the board. Elementary school teachers like me start their contract day at 7:40 instead of last year's 8:20 and end at 2:50 vs. 3:50, and middle school teachers like H start at 9:00 instead of 7:20 and end at 3:55 instead of 3:00. H is pretty unhappy about his whole routine shifting so dramatically, and he's back in the "I hate my job and school" mode. I just A and V and rub his head.
Found out today that H is goind to visit his aunt in San Franciso next weekend--I've gleaned from emails that she published a couple of books of poetry recently, and he may be going for a reading or something, but I'm not sure. Wish I were invited as well, but I have plans that weekend anyway, so there.
You know what icon would work great here? One giving a big juicy raspberry!
I am still going out with friends and getting back on the GAL horse. Working definitely keeps me busy, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse to stop doing the things that make me happy. I felt at loose ends in mid-August--anticipating the school year, I think. Starting tomorrow, I'm taking a new class at the gym called BodyFlow--a cobo of yoga, tai chi, and pilates. Can't wait! I've been walking regularly with FF who got married in WI. Still have pleanty of feng shui house projects to finish (painting, decluttering) as well as ones that I've handed over to the pros: the chimney will be rebuilt this week, and a new roof just went on the shop in the back of the house. I'm going to try putting new shingles on one small gable end that the roofer repapered for me. Luckily, another FF's H is going to show me how that works. Thank goodness for handy friends!
H was here last night when I got home from dinner and a movie with friends. We chatted and snuggled and ML, and before he left, I told him I wished he would stay. He said he was getting up early to hunt, and I said, "You could get up early and leave from here. I love you, and I want you home." He was hugging me at the time, and he just buried his face in my neck for a moment and said nothing. Then he sat up and said, "I'm going. I hope you sleep well." So I seized an opportune moment...and the result was not unexpected, just not what I wanted.
Oh well.
I miss him, but life rages on, does it not?
Be well, my friends.
I hope you have a great year, AMD!
The class at the gym sounds fun, and it sure seems you're keeping busy.
Sounds like you had a nice little interaction w/ H, and I think it's a good thing that you planted that little seed in his mind again. At this point in the game, I'm not sure how effective doing nothing is (when the opportunity arises, I mean).
Love to you,
Nicola
I remember shingling my garage, I actually enjoyed it. Getting the bundles of shingles up the ladder was a real test of strength for me! Of course I was younger and in better shape then and it's about time to replace them. Handy friends would be handy!
Wish I had the magic words to snap us into the next whatever will happen phase but I don't. I do agree - life rages on.
WCW and Nicola: Thanks for your encouragement! There is a point when doing nothing is no longer a strategy or not one appropriate for the entire stretch of time that this takes. I want H to know that I want him. I wish I had the magic words too, or some pixie dust.
So I got some terrible news on Friday after work: my youngest brother died. I may have mentioned him here before. He was an alcoholic and a schizo-paranoiac, which means he was very depressed and had a lot of anxiety issues. Basically he didn't show up at his day program for his dose of meds, and they called my parents, who went to his apartment and found him lying in the kitchen. His chair was tipped backwards and his arms were outstretched. Because he was so young--only 34--and there was no clear indicator of death, an autopsy will be performed. It could be alcohol, but it could just as easily be a heart attack. He didn't appear to have been in pain, and I hope that's true. I hope he was tipping back and just died and kept on tipping, you know?
I knew this call would come one day, but now that it's happened, it's very surreal. He had so many close calls over the years.
I am off of work now for the next 2 weeks. I spent the weeekend getting the details ironed out, including sub plans. My parents weren't sure of the date of the funeral because of the autopsy, so I took as much time as I could to make sure I would be htere. Now the funeral will be Friday or Saturday, so I have a lot of time with them and my old friends in Maryland. That's the silver lining, I guess.
Funny, I was thinking recently about how long it's been since I was back east in the fall. I miss the colors.
I know that he knew that I loved him. I don't regret anything about my relationship with him. He was never going to break through his addictions, and he suffered a lot because of it. My parents suffered as well. He told them recently that trying not to drink was like torture. No one wants to live that way. I am sad, but I'm relieved that he isn't suffering anymore, that my parents aren't suffering, and that I don't have to wait for that phone call any longer.
H was landing in San Francisco when I called him on Friday. He called right back and has checked over the weekend. He told me he'd buy my ticket right there in the ariport if he'd had his laptop with him. I called him this morning thinking that he was back, but he extended his stay through today. I'm glad he's having fun with his family. I asked him to take care of the cats while I'm gone, and he was a little reluctant, but I told him that I need him to do it. It's been difficult dealing with all the details on my own, but my friends here have been so kind and protective. I went to a party on Saturday night--the reception that my FF from WI held--and they were all great. That helped a lot.
I'm off to pack and run a few errands.
Shower the people you love with love, folks.
Be well.
((((((amd)))))) My heart goes out to you.
In spite of the news about your brother you sound at peace with it. I do hope you find some enjoyable times over the next weeks.
Good for you to tell your H you need him to step up and do something for you!
Travel safe and be well.
Oh, honey, that is so very sad about your brother - I'm so sorry.
There's so much we still don't understand about the terrible disease of addiction.
Ellie
amd - I'm so sorry to her this. Take care of yourself, my dear.
Slowly
Thank you for all your good thoughts, friends.
So far my visit has been good. The funeral was yesterday, and there were tons of people there supporting my family. The theme that the priest focused on was hope. He said that we often forget about hope until we are confronted with the opposite: despair. It made me think of this bb and how so many of us arrive here in despair and come out hopeful in the end, regardless of how our Ms turn out.
I am trying to support my parents and brother as much as possible. My brother is taking it really hard, and my parents are doing as well as can be expected. I am also spending time with old friends, and that is really wonderful.
I spoke to H after I arrived on Tuesday, but not since then--I left a few VMs. He says that his rich aunt in San Francisco has all kinds of potential job opportunities for him. He also says that cold be true now or maybe not for a few years. He is enamored of their lifestyle, and who wouldn't be when they are fantastically wealthy and have no financial worries even in the present economy? He doesn't want to worry about money/ debt anymore, but I don't hear him doing anything but wishing for a different situation--and that is an old, old pattern for him. I A and V what he says, but I'm sad that he doesn't see this as an "us" thing. Still spinning in MLC, apparently.
Anyway, I leave on Thursday and will be happy to get home.
Be well.
I remember seeing a reference to a book that was written for a WAS thinking about returning home, but I can't remember which thread it was on--maybe one of yellowrose's. Does anyone know what the title is? It might be "Getting Past the Affair," which I found on amazon, but I'm just not sure. I'm posting this on YR's thread as well just in case. Thanks for any help you might have!
Hi amd
I'm relieved you have been able to get through this difficult episode - and of course H. His fascination with fantasy is..... leaving me quite speechless. Spinning seems to say it all. I just hope it affects you less than it used to.
Safe travels back. Slowly
Happy October, my friends!
I have settled back into my "normal" routine. My students made it easy to go back to work. My parents and surviving brother are coping. Thanks to all of you for your good thoughts.
Slowly, I don't think it affects me like it used to. I am sad sometimes, and I miss him a lot, but I am able to stay on a more evn keel than in the past. I think I recognize that a lot of what he says is fantasy and stems from a temporary mental illness, and that helps a lot. I'm not afraid of saying or doign the wrong thing so much anymore, as you will see below.
UPDATE:
H was here when I got home on the 25th, which I didn't expect. We spent some time together that night. The next day I found out that he'd overdrawn the checking account again. ARGH! I called and left a VM telling him the sitiuation and not to spend any money.
I thought a lot about HeartsBlessing's steps of MLC and about the need to guide the MLC spouse "gently but firmly" towards reality in the latter stages. I decided after talking with Virago that I needed to present him with a budget even though he will HATE it and to gently prod him about being depressed the next time we talked.
BTW, she still says we're getting back together and having a baby, but he needs to get a grip. Duh. She also sayd he's not taking any other job
Anyway. He came over again on Saturday. He immediately apoplogized for the money situation, took all responsibility, and was very affirming of me--this is a different pattern than ever before. He also gave me most of the cash in his pockets for naything I needed. I told him that I am working up a budget so we can see where our money goes and how much we have left to "play" with after the bills are paid. I knew he didn't want to hear this, and I said so, but he accepted it pretty well.
Goal 1 accomplished.
Then I discovered in the course of converation that he's been using Oxycotin again. He got a Rx from his doc for his shoulder (he's convinced his rotator cuff is torn but hasn't taken steps to see a PT about it), and he said he takes a month's worth of pills in about a week. FANTASTIC. I asked if he thinks he's depressed. He asked I thought he was, and I said yes. He asked why, and I said that he hasn't seemed happy in a few years; that he is a vibrant, vital, creative person and I haven't seen that shine through in a long time; and that I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him. I asked if he'd consider going to his doc for AD meds, and he said, "Those are for freaks." Like abusing prescription drugs is normal.
I pointed out that taking a month's worth of meds in a week is unhealthy, and his response was, "Well, more like 10 days."
I said, "Yeah, that's still not good." He couldn't deny it and didn't try to.
I felt like I planted a seed in this part of the convo, and htat's the most I could hope for on this issue.
Before he left, I asked him to please consider what I'd said about ADs and reiterated that I love him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him. He said, "love you," and "I don't either," to those last comments.
Goal 2 accomplished.
We've seen each other twice since then, once on Tuesday and today. Both times have been very nice. He also sent me a picture via email at work of Paul Newman and Robert Redford from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"--they are two of our favorite actors, and we were both sad to hear of Pual Newman's death. Anyway, this email was totally unexpected--he hasn't sent me anything on his own since the A started in winter of 2004/2005.
So I got some stuff out there that I needed to say, and he accepted it. I saw some baby steps this week. Any advice out there on how to proceed from here?
In other news, the mason started rebulding our chimney the day I got home, so no more leaky roof this winter, I hope!
OK, that's it. Sorry this is a little disjointed. Let me know what you all think. Be well!
amd, nice job getting those goals out there. As to how to proceed and accomplish them, well that's a whole different deal. How involved do you want your H to be with it? If you plan a budget is he the type that will adhere to it? If not, don't set yourself up for failure and expect him to be involved in fixing anything. Set it up for yourself and let him be included in your thoughts and goals but don't expect him to participate.
I hope he will see the doctor about the prescription med abuse.
Hi amd
I felt like I planted a seed in this part of the convo, and htat's the most I could hope for on this issue.
Yeah. I can relate to that.
Slowly
Hello friends!
Just checking in to let you know I'm among the living. I'm taking a lot of classes that are work-related right now and generally staying busy. I installed a new light fixture in the kitchen over the sink and finished the drawers for the entertainment armoire in the bedroom--I killed the drill in August in the middle of those, so I'm relieved to have them done. The husband of one of my FF's brought a friend over the next day to finish a small shingling project for me--FF and I drank a bottle of wine while they worked, and I had a homemade pie ready for them when they finished. So all that AND a new chimney AND a new shed roof--I'm feeling very cozy in my house. Still decluttering and cleaning, of course--I don't think that ever ends.
I'm going to a Halloween party on Nov.1 as Marie Antoinette. We're to come as someone/thing dead, and I had a sudden inspiration. I'll let you know how it turns out!
Also, I have planned an adventure--I got a single ticket to the Jason Mraz concert in November, and I'm going with a stranger! I wanted to go to this concert as soon as I heard that he was coming, but I relied on flaky friends to let me know if they would go or not and waited too long--all tickets were sold out. I started serachign Craig's List and eBay, but of course all the prices were super high. One day I was thinking about the power of positive thinking and decided to manifest that ticket--I knew it was out there for me somewhere. I maintained that attitude in the morning and went to Craig's List again...and there was a new listing for a single ticket in the middle, 8th row! It was more than I really wanted to pay, but the seller was charging what she had paid, and long story short, I bought it. We're meeting in front of the theater about 20 mniutes before the show starts; we'll walk in together so I know the ticket is legit and I'll pay her in cash once we're in. I am so excited!!
As far as H goes...status quo, I guess. I have the budget mostly done. WCW, you raise good questions. I think he will stick to it if I present him with it because he is very frustrated when we(read he) over spend(s) and we go into the red. But as you say, his choices are his own. He disappeared fora bit when he went on a hunting trip to Idaho with a JW hunting buddy--didn't bother to let me know that he was gone, so my imagination ran away with me and I was PO'ed whe I realized what had happened. He called when he got back, and I told him that I didn't appreciate being int he dark like that. He got a little defensive because he had a TERRIBLE trip (hahahahahaha!), but after he vented about the trip, he saw why I was unhappy. Then he laid low for the rest of the week--no contact. I figured he was out of town again, but it turned out that he was hunkering down and feeling sorry for himself. He's been by a few times since, and I think he may be by tonight--his recent pattern has been to come by on Saturday night, and he wants to watch baseball, so maybe. Maybe not. The great thing is that my evening and mood are unaffected by his presence or lack thereof. That's a long ways from where I was 3 years ago this time.
OK that's it from me. Be well.
Hello to anyone readinga long with me!
Not much news here--going on my concert adventure tomorrow, and I'm SO excited! I discovered that another friend of mine is also going--she and her H are taking her D and D's friend for D's b'day--so I'm driving up with them. I was a little worried aobut the drive, mostly for the going home part, so this eases my mind and frees me to really enjoy myself! And who knows; maybe I'll meet Jason Mraz and we'll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after.
Also, my costume was a great hit. I even brought a piece of cake--get it?? I had a great time and had to sober up for a while before I drove home. I sat around the bonfire with FF's husband and 3 of his friends. FF's H knows a little about our situation and was very brotherly in giving me advice, which mostly consisted of "go out and get some a$$," which made me laugh. It was well-meant. He also told me that they several people who would like to date me. I don't klnow how ture that is, but it's nice to know that someone thinks I'm attractive--a little ego boost. I made it clear that I'm sticking to my plan right now.
H has not been by in two weeks. We've talked a few times at his instigation--once he even called after school started, and I had to call him back on my planning time. I don't know what his deal is. My tarot reader asked if this is the anniversary of him and ow getting together, and I think she might be right. She says that he's still going through the 7 stages of grief over this failed A and that he can't imagine how I can forgive him because he would never forgive me if the situation were reversed. She advises me to stay calm and to keep doing what I'm doing--he IS coming home.
Weird note: she says one of the guys that FF and her H have in mind for me is a soul mate from a former life and that we would really be good together. Hmmm...
Anyhoo, be well.
Let them eat cake!! ??
Reading along and wondering how long before you're back to update on the concert!
Does your tarot reader make predictions on other areas in your life and has it come true?
maybe I'll meet Jason Mraz and we'll fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. \:\)
Weird note: she says one of the guys that FF and her H have in mind for me is a soul mate from a former life and that we would really be good together. Hmmm...
Mmmmmm....maybe they want to set you up with their good buddy Jason Mraz, whi is your soul mate from a past life, and the two of you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after???
Ellie
And that is EXACTLY what happened!!! Crazy, huh?!
I had such a good time last night! The concert was really amazing. Jason Mraz is clearly doing what he loves most in the world, and that is a beaautiful thing to see. I borrowed a friend's camera to take pics (since H has ours), but she doesn't have a great zoom and they didn't turn out very well. I saw a guy in front of me taking fantastic pictures, and I asked him at the end if he would email them to me--and he did! So now I have some great souvenirs. THe only hting that would have made the evening better would have been to actually thank Jason Mraz face to face.
BTW, his email also inspired me to join Facebook. I've thought about it for a while, and now I did it. All that's there so far is my basic info, and I'm not sure how much more I'll add, but it's a little bit of a bold step for me. I'm not sure how to direct anyone here to there--any ideas?
I know that I was meant to be at that concert because the woman I bought the ticket from cleared something up for me. She is recently D'ed--like int he past year--and in the course of conversation I told her that H and I are separated. She told me that if it comes time for me to stop trying, I WILL know it. That was good to hear because I believe that that's true, but sometimes when I'm down, I wonder if I'm hanging on too long. Now I truly know that I'll know.
Today is the dreariest day I've seen ina long while. I'm baking bread and pizza crust and have a fire going while I watch movies. I'm out of wine, but I don't want to go out in the rain to get any. Someone come to my rescue!
And WCW: you are so clever.
And yes, she has made predictions about other parts of my life that came come true.
All right, you all, be well. I have to get the bread out of the oven.
Not really so clever, I had to google it.
It is amazing how we have to step out of our shells and do for ourselves in the world. You have a new friend now and pics from the concert! Glad you had a good time. Be careful about talking about face book on this board. There is a whole group of db people over there including me. This boards mods don't look kindly on that idea.
But I think you can find people by email addresses and some have the user name here in the sign up name there. It would be cool to see ya. You said you have my email?
Wine, bread, pizza, fire - you know how to make it cozy!
Kelaaron is a poster here that you should look up too. She has common interests with you about horoscopes, etc....
Hi there!
I am on Facebook, but we never exchanged emails...hmmm...I am in the group "salsa fiesta" which I think is an open group. That should help, I hope!
Nicola: I think there are a million listings for salsa fiesta on there. How do I narrow it down?
WCW: thanks for the warning--I've noticed the kerfuffle about that and other stuff. I will try to search by email address. If that doesn't work, I'll figure out a way to tell you where I am.
UPDATE: warning--it's long one.
Well, H came over not long after I posted here last, and we had a lovely time together. Like WCW said, it was pretty cozy here that night, and he seemed to feel comfortable as a result. I told him not to stay away so damned long.
Then I was out on Thursday after work with 2 FFs from work who both know about my situation. FF1 is the one who got married in WI this summer; FF2 is the one I drove with to and from the ariport and who gave the Halloween party. FF1 has a lot of issues in her M that have to do with internet porn--they are seeing a C and it sounds like things are going well there. FF1 also has a good friend that works with H--she is actually on his teaching team. I know that this friend has heard things about H and our M and I've been trying to find a way to talk to FF1 about it because I'm uncomfortable with this person knowing my business when I don't reallly know her. We just haven't seen each other privately to have that convo.
So FF2 asked how things were going with H. I said OK. Then the time seemed good and natural, so I asked FF1 about her friend. She told me that this friend overheard H telling people quite openly and casually that he is dating someone with 2 girls; that he makes breakfast for 3 people,; and that when he was going away on a trip, he was concerned that the girls would be OK. Also, he told this person, "My ex-wife's brother died."
Huh?
This was painful to hear. FF2 was shocked. FF1 was upset. I was upset. We were all upset together.
FF2 had to leave. FF1 and I went for a walk while I processed this info. It sounds so unlike H because he is vehemently private about this situation. He hates that peole talk about him and speculate about his marital status. He has no good friends at work now. Why would he change this deeply ingrained pattern all of a sudden? FF1's story changed slightly while we talked--someone else asked about the girls when H was going away--but she was firm that he told her friend that his XW's brother died.
When I left FF1, I decided to see Virago, the tarot reader. I've mentioned before that she was a couples counselor for 15 years, and her advice is more than just laying out cards. I told her the whole shebang, and she said that he never said these things. She pointed out that when he was hot and heavy with ow, he was very distant when we ML, and that that is not true now. He NEVER shared any of that info before--why would he now? She talked about the game Telephone, where you line up people and whisper into one person's ear, and by the end, the message is totally distorted. This all made sense. Then she read the cards, and they backed up what she said. She maintains that FF1's friend is stirring up the gossipy sh!t and that FF1 herself is projecting her own marital problems onto me and my M. She encouraged me not to talk to H about this at all because it would just make him mad. She also encoraged me not to share stuff about my R with FF1 anymore. This was interesting because in the reading on Sunday she asked if I had a friend at work who was talking about me and told me to watch out for this person. Hmmm.
Then I called a friend who is a school counselor--she's the person I drove with to the concert the other night. She agreed that I can't be 100% sure of who said what and that I should let the questions about the "dating" go, BUT she said that the XW comment affects me directly and thought I should talk to H about it and go from there.
So I called H with no success. I left a VM the third time and said I needed to talk to him and asked him to call be back when he got a chance. At 10PM I turned off my cell without anything from him. The land line rang at 11PM, but I ignored it. I was not going to try to have this convo after being jolted out of sleep and without my wits about me.
In the morning, I saw that he tried to call my cell 3 times before the call on the land line. I decided I'd call him when I was having breakfast--that's after showering, dressing, feeding the cats, and meditating. He called again when I was in the shower. He called again halfway through the meditation, and this time I answered because I was centered and focused.
"I tried to call you," he said.
"Oh really?" I said innocently.
Then I told him I had to talk about something difficult, was he ready? He guessed so but he was in the car. We could discuss it later if he wished, I said, but he said no. So I told him that someone at work told me that freind who works with him said that he said his XW's brother died, and I asked him directly if he had referred to me as his XW.
He said no. Never. But he does not correct people when they assume that we're D'ed because he does not want to discuss this with ANYONE. I knew all this already. I told him that it was hard enough to deal with this without other people talking about it, and he agreed. He said that a coworker approached him in the hall the other day and asked him directly if he and his wife weren't together anymore. He said he got a sour look on his face and said, "I guess not. I don't want to talk about it." I pointed out that now he's put that out there for the rumor mill.
He wanted to know who told me this, and I named someone who has no connection to his school. He asked why she would care, and I suggested that she might be concerned for me, but he said she was fishing for info. I said that I told her that I was not D'ed and that her friend must be mistaken. He sort of said, "Hmm," and I said, "Because I am not your ex-wife, H."
Then we chatted about some other stuff. He told me he'd taken the day off to hunt. I wished him luck and thanked him for calling. And that was that.
FF2 took me out for a beer that day(Friday) after work. She assured me that she knew nothing about FF1's friend. She agreed that it would be weird for H to abruptly 180 in his behavior. She also pointed out that FF1 is in no postion to judge my M.
I left H a VM about the hockey game last night and checked about his hunting success today. No response.
So now what? I can't think of a reason that FF1's friend would make this up, but it is possible that she misheard some convo and/or misreported it. It all sounds so unlike H, even MLCBS H.
BUT...
I don't want to be taken for a fool. H has lied about a lot of stuff in the past--why not lie now? If he IS having those convos, now he knows that it's getting back to me and he'd better knock it off.
Oy vey. I guess I've taken yet another leap of faith...but I'm still watching.
Advise me, friends.
Be well.
The rumor mill is hard to shut down. I faced the same problem after the local county fair where everyone meets in the beer tent and tongues get loose! After that I had family and friends approach me about what they had heard. If I hadn't been so shocked I would have handled it all better, but the rumors they were finally hearing and spreading were already a couple years old and had defintely gone thru the Telephone game. It was almost comical to listen to all the things I had done to ow! hehe
amd, what do you want to do? are you ok with status quo and can continue to wait for H? A lot of years have gone by and while you haven't been standing still it is time that cannot be recaptured. Would you be living life any different if you were not still M on paper?
Oy vey? is that Norwegian?
Waiting for you to find me.
Found you, WCW!
Oy vey is Yiddish. I grew up with a lot of Jewish friends, and now I say stuff like that.
WCW, you are saying wise things that my counselor friend said to me as well. I decided that I wasn't willignng to end this R based on this rumor. I may never know what the truth is about this, but I'm choosing to ignore it and move forward. This limbo WILL end one day when one or both of us can end it definitively. I'm not afraid of divorce, and I'm not afraid of waiting until I know for sure. Not today, anyway.
Your point about time passing is a good one. Today I found out that a FF at work is pregnant. We've hadups and downs in our friendship--at first she was very supportive of my choices; then she wasn't and didn't want to hear about it again; then she sort of apologized and extended her hand. I've cautiously become friends with her again, but I don't share stuff about my M with her. She had an A and went back to her H--this is why I turned to her initially. Now they've rebuilt their M and are expecting. I am happy for her...and also jealous. She is 6 months younger than me. Now I'll turn 40 without a child, and she'll be a mom by the time she turns. I know that sounds petty. I want a happy M and a baby, too, that's all. How would I be living diferently if we were divorced? Maybe I'd be dating, but I'm not sure much else would change. All in all, I'm content with the things I do. I need to get back on the GAL horse for sure. I've let stuff go because of work--being tired, etc.
I called H yesterday to check in. He ended up coming over, and we made popcorn and drank wine and watched parts of old horror movies--this is something we used to do all the time in happier days. He called right after he left to tell me he saw a giant shooting star. I made the wish for him
I see that he bought his ticket to PA for the annual family hunting trip--he leaves on Thanksgiving, so I don't need to wonder if he's showing up or not. Now I need to decide what I want to do. Jamaica is out of the quetstion this time.
I have an invite to FF1's house, but I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. I'll probably go and enjoy myself but will be careful not to discuss H with her.
Ok, that's it. Be well, friends.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends! I have a lot to be grateful for, and you all are a huge part of my blessings. Thank you to all my friends here both present and absent. Where would I be without you? Be well.
Happy Thanksgiving, amd.
Gobble gobble!
Ellie
Wow, I hate it when I let my thread slide. I have a lot of good things to tell you all, but for now just this: Merry Christmas, my DB friends! God bless us, every one! OK, that last line isn't mine, but it's appropriate--in keeping with the situation, one might say.
Be well.
Merry Christmas amd! I anxiously await to hear a lot of good things from you.
Belated Seasons Greetings amd. Hope 2009 is a fantastic year for you.
How 'bout all those 'good things'?
Waiting... Slowly
...and so do I! I cannot believe that I haven't posted before this. I actually forgot my password. I remember the days when I logged on here several times a day looking for a friendly note or the magic formula to save my marriage. Now I see more clearly every day that I've saved myself and feel confident in the steps I've taken/ am taking to continue moving forward within myself and within my marriage.
Before I get into any notes,
HELLO ANDY AND SLOWLY AND WCW!!!!! Thanks for checking in on me.
OK, now I'm going back and will probably have to write this as 2 separate posts. So here it goes:
The period between Thanksgiving and the new year was an interesting time. We all know how the holidays affect us, and I was ready. H spent a lot of time here leading up to his family hunting trip in PA. He was so excited about this trip and really wanted it to be a success. He toldme that his dad was pressuring him to come live there and that he just might not come back. Total fantasy, of course--him wanting to escape from all his drama and to start over fresh. I just smiled and listened. He asked if it disturbed me that he might not come back, and I said no--and meant it. I did ask him what that would mean for our R, and he said we'd have to talk about it then. One night he asked me if I could be content living in such a rural setting, and on another he asked if I would want to come with him on these trips. I said yes to both--duh! My take is that he thought for sure that he would move to PA and get sometype of job, build a house on his parents land, and then send for me. He mentioned this a LONG time a go. I think it's how hebeleives he could redeem himself. Anyway, we had very little contact while he was gone, and when he returned, he really laid low. He siad his dad didn't pressure him the way he thought he would to move there, and I think H was a little disappointed by that.
BTW, I ended up spending Thanksgiving with another FF all toegther. That was the best choice for me. FF1--FFJG--ended up with another invitation for herself and her H, and this FF--FFJJ--told FFJG that she had planned on having me for dinner and that was just the way it was going to be whether FFJG liked it or not. It's nice to be wanted.
There was no clear pattern of behavior for H in December, but here are some interesting items:
* My choir concerts were great, and of course, H didn't attend any of the 3. However, I cam home from the first one (on a Friday night) exhausted. All I wanted to do was wash my face and get into bed with a hot water bottle on my feet. I was surprised to see his car in he drive when I pulled in. He opened the door as soon as I turned the engine off, and when I walked in, I saw that he had a blazing fire going. He asked if I wanted popcorn, and we shared a glass of wine. We watched an old horror movie and styed up really late--till about 2 AM. So the next night, I wondered what he'd do. Would he be there again, or would he pull the disappearing act? Sure enough, when I got home, he was there and had a fire going, and now the wine and popcorn were ready to go. We stayed up really late again.
*He didn't appear after the Sunday concert, but when I came home, I discovered that he had gotten some pictures out from our wedding and honeymoon--ones that didn't make it into the album. He left them lying on the coffee table. So one day over winter break, I cleaned off a bunch of stuff off of the fridge door and rearranged the pictures on there to include these 3 that he left out. He said, "What's the deal with the pictures?" and I told him that I saw he had them out and that I put them up. Then he wasn't sure which ones were new.
Whatever. I also put our wedding picture from my dresser in a different frame because I wanted the frame it was in for something else, so I rearranged all the pictures on top of his dresser and left them there. He has yet to say anything about them!
* He told me not to burn any more fires because he was concerned that we would lose power and that I wouldn't have enough wood for heat. He blamed himself for the situation because of the huge fires he built on those 2 concert nights.
Then the big winter storms hit this area hard. We started winter break early thanks to 3 snow days. H called on day 1. He was getting around in the truck, but I was pretty much snowbound. He told me to move the car because he was coming with a load of wood. When he got here, I asked if he wanted help stacking it, and he refused--said he had a system going and that it was too cold for me to be out there anyway. He brought a second load later. A couple of days later, he took me out in the truck to the grocery store totally on his own--I had plenty of food, but he told me to buy soemthing special for the holidays. We drove around a little to look at the snow. He also brought more "special" groceries by later that evening.
That same day, I otld him that I've decided to learn to play the ukulele and that I was going to buy myself one soon. He was very curious--wanted to know when I decided this and why (in the summer, and I don't know, it just came to me); did I know anyone who plays(no); was I sure I didn't know anyone? Obviously, this was a great point of mystery. We talked about brands of ukulele, and I told him that I had to do more research. Well, he came over on Christmas Eve with a gorgeous ukulele for me.
You know he doesn't "do" Christmas because of the whole JW thing, so I really was shocked.
Christmas Day was a little strange. He called around noon and said that he'd be by later, but then he never showed up. I still had a fantastic day. If I'd wanted to go anywhere I could have--FFJK invited me to call her anytime over break to hang out and specifically ivtied me for Christmas, as did FFJJ, but I was content to be on my own. Besides, it's hard to hang out with other people's families on those days. Anyway, I was puzzled about why he said one thing and did another, but I shouldn't have been. Total MLC.
PART 2: (Told you this was long. that's what I get for not posting for 2+ months.)
OK, so then he called on the 26th, and I asked why he hadn't come over. He said he thought it was clear that he wasn't coming. He showed up that evening, and I was in a bad mood. Obviously my expectations were pushing me--never a good thing. I actually got teary for no good reason, which made me madder. He said I needed to be "tempered" and made us margaritas. I told him to open his presents so I didn't have to look at them anymore, and he seemed to like them--nothing big, but thoughtful: abook, a wooden toy, and a set of DVDs--Ken Burns's "Baseball" series from PBS. He also asked if he could leave the gifts here--he's never aksed before. (They are still here, but that's par for the course. He rarely takes anything with him that I give him, with few exceptions. Just a couple of weeks ago, he finally took the DVDs--and only because I insisted. He was taking them to his place one at a time, which I thought was silly. He's watched almost all of them over this long weekend and loves them.) I apologized later for being bitchy, and he was very sweet about it. Then I told him to explain why I needed tempering, and he said he couldn't because I'd already apologized.
So, he spent a lot of time here from 12/16-12/27, but then he dropped out of sight again. There were lots of positives, and I found it frustrating that we could have to much fun together and the he would disappear entirely. It's hard to stay detached under those circumstances. I was also concerned because he was relly irresponsible with money during that time--he wants to generous and to be perceived as generous, but he lets money slip through his hand like sand, and he doesn't control his impulses to spend. Then he feels guilty but it's too late by then. This is not a new problem for him, but the MLC makes it worse.
My resolutions for the new year: let go of the past and embrace the present, which includes GAL. I've done a great job of that, I must say!
The most current news is that H's mom got very sick quite sudenly and almost died. He flew home at the end of January to be with her and stayed about a week. He is distraught. She is home and recovering, but it isn't a quick process, and he keeps saying that he might leave again at any minute. Both his parents relied on him heavily while he was there, and he says that they just want him to be there. He felt like they finally were listening to what he had to say and respected him for the first time maybe ever. I just A and V and tell him that if he needs to go, he'll go. This has curbed his spending somewhat.
I saw Virago, my tarot reader, about MIL's illness, and she said that she would be fine but would have a slow recovery. She also said that this will snap H out of his MLC pity party and make him realize how important family is, including me. That would be nice!
Finally, he spent a lot of the 14th here with me--usually he avoids me completely on Valentine's Day. In fact, this is our midwinter break (a 4-day weekend) and he's been here every day except today, which isn't over yet. He arrived last night about 20 minutes before I had to leave for choir rehearsal, and then he hung out here for a while. He cleared the computer history, which is suspicious, but there's nothing I can do about that.
My current concerns:
* H won't decide if he wants to file taxes jointly or separately. This is only an issue because he put in a change of address with the school district in Septmeber, and now he has his W2. He told me that if I'm ready to just go ahead--in other words, I get to make the decision and he gets to escape responsibility. I'm giving him a little more time, but it's annoying. I don't want to get stuck later down the road if he just doesn't file--and if he felt like it was too much of pain, he wouldn't. I will be so happy when he grows up!
* Also, I confirmed that I have uterine fibroids again.
I go in for the consult tomorrow. My doctor died in the fall, so I have no connection with anyone there, but I know what to expect. It sucks, but that's the way it goes, I guess. I plan on arguing to maintain my fertility. H has been really supportive of me about al this, including the fertility question.
* He turns 40 on Saturday, and I turn 40 the following Sunday. That should be interesting.
Ok, now you know everything about my life up till..now. No, now. No, NOW!
Be well, friends. Let me know what you think about all this.
You've had some interesting turns! Is your H doing some toe tests to get a reaction from you? He's doing some nice things and then has to withdraw. Pretty typical stuff.
Dang fybroids! With any luck your new doc will be smart and hip on all the new trends. Argue for yourself and what's best for you. BTDT!
Darlings, I have news: I AM 40!!!!! And I am embracing it.
My birthday was last Sunday, 3/1. I had a terrible cold and spent most of the day on the couch. The thing is, it was awesome--I got lots of calls from friends and family, and even more messages on FB (aka The Site That Shall Not Be Named). I hadn't been sick, I wouldn't have gotten all that love.
AND H spent a lot of the day with me. I was ready to not hear from him at all, and he really surprised me. Of course, there was no acknowledgement of my b'day. When he came in the first time, I said, "Happy March!" following a long tradition of saying Happy whatever month it is that I know he misses. He said, "Yeah, it's your birthday, isn't it?" I said yes. He moved on to other subjects. I laughed to myself. Anyway, he spent a total of several hours with me and we even ate dinner together and he went to the grocery store for something I needed to make the dinner. Shocking.
I bought myself some nice presents, starting with a dozen roses. I found a cute trech coat at Old Navy for 50% off, and a ring that looks like a rose, and a stainless steel water bottle with an owl on it to remind me of patience, and a Jason Mraz CD, and a hair tie with an orchid attached for summertime. I returned some topds that my mom sent that didn't flatter me and used the money to buy a top and a sweater that I love at Ann Taylor. I feel indulged, maybe even spoiled--and I love it.
I may celebrate with girlfriends later this month--I'll be 40 all year, so no rush.
OTHER NEWS:
I mentioned that his birthday was 8 days before mine (the 21st). He handled it by completely dropping off the radar for 5 days. He ended up calling on Monday night after I'd gotten home from choir rehearsal--he was in the driveway. When he came in, we held each other for a long hug, and I said, "I've missed you. I was worried about you. Are you OK?" And he said yes but not much else.
And he is still worried about his mom's health. She is recovering slowly.
I can't believe that we had snow yesterday and today--no accululation, but jeez louise, talk about climate change! I love that the bulbs and spring trees are starting to bloom--spring comes early here and is such a blessing.
OK, that's all from me. Be well. Be warm. Spring is on its way!
Happy March! Happy 40 plus 1 week! You treated yourself mighty fine for your birthday. I'm taking lessons from you for my 40plusten next month!
Just before I saw your post I was thinking to myself about this life. It's not where I want it to be, but I spend more hours now with H each weekend these months than the accumulated time in a whole month for the past 4 years.
I think for you and me both, they've been 'gone' so long that it would be too much of a shock to all of a sudden have them back 100%. That would be a death sentence for the M, IMO. We need time to merge them back into the lives we created without them. KWIM?
Enjoy the extra time you're getting when your H comes around. Keep the rest of your life moving forward while leaving room for H to join you. That's what works best for me - and patience.
I totally get you, WCW. There are many times when I'm glad to be on my own, and sometimes when H is here, I think, "OK, I'm ready for you to go now." Weird, huh? I know that I"m a lot better than I used to be, even prior to this whole mess, and I"m getting better still. I love myself and forgive myself; I don't think that H knows how to do either of those things yet. He still has a lot of healing to do before he can come back home, and then we need to do some healing together.
I was thinking today about a post from someone on my first thread--I think her screen name was 2much--and she kept telling me that I would be OK no matter what. She was right--I AM OK. I'm better than OK. Just as you say, I'm moving forward, and there's room for H if he wants to come along, but I'm not waiting around for him.
Anyhoo, thanks for your encouragement. Us oldtimers need to stick together!
Be well.
Probably the most belated of belated birthday greetings you've probably had I'd guess. All my best wishes though amd. 40 is the new 30 these days isn't it?
It was great to catch up with your news too.
Hello, friends!
ANDY: so good to see you! What is going on with you in the UK? What vacations do you have planned?
Not much news, obviously, as I've not been here in ages. I've seen recent baby steps with H, especially regarding finances. My tarot reader says he's on the verge of coming around. I hope so, but I don't hold my breath. I continue to A and V, to love, and to GAL. Had some backsliding into "what ifs" and general sadness, but I'm back now.
Yay me!
The school year is coming to a close, which is good and bad--I enjoy this group of kids (6th grade, 12-13 year-olds), but it is time for them to move on! Also, the start of summer can be tricky--hard to go from 60 to 0. I think I'll head back east to see my folks and old friends towards the end of June when we're out--my dad is having surgery for a tumor on his kidney at the beginning of June, so I want to get back, and it will be good to start off on a "real" vacation right away. If anyone wants to visit in the Baltimore/ DC area then, let me know!
Also making other plans for the time off. I'll see Wayne Dyer speak in Seattle in July, and I just found out that James Taylor will be playing at the fair in Sept. Maybe an oil painting class. Continuing to learn the ukulele--so much fun! I'm open to whatever else comes my way.
Just wanted to check in with you and say hi. All is well in my world--hope it is in yours as well.
Be well, my darlings.
Heya amd, I'll wave when you fly over.
It's nice to hear all the things you are doing for you.
Careful on counting babysteps! You haven't been around much lately but the flavor here has changed a LOT. Babysteps is almost a taboo thing now where before we added them up to positives.
Oh, and since you're here so often - Happy 4th of July too!
Well, if someone has a problem with counting babysteps, too bad for them. I think that's a little sad, actually. We all deserve to be able to call positives where we see them.
For instance, H came through today by bring me the truck to haul the lawnmower that suddenly broke on me last week to Lowes. (BTW, Lowes handed me a new mower for free. I will shop there forever!)AND he brought the truck here and asked me to drop him back at his place--this is the first time in 2+ years of separation that he's invited me to see where he lives. No, I didn't get asked in, but I don't care.
He's been laying low for a lot of this month. I'm trying to stay busy and keep on the GAL path. I celebrated our 12 year anniversary on the 24th--I had a fabulous day, don't know about him.
Right now I'm focusing on finishing the school year without strangling any 6th graders. The eyerolling is particularly heavy right now. One of my students announced in art class that "All the teachers are jealous of us(her and a friend)--that's why we're in trouble." Yeah, jealous of 12-year olds. That's me.
Anyway, just checking in to see what's up with my peeps. Not too many of us around, apparently. I used to post all the time, and now it's more occasional--and that's a good thing. Be well, friends.
Happy Halloween, WCW!
Gosh, missed you again AMD. Glad all is well. Always good to hear your news and you're learning the ukele too - fantastic. Ah, vacations - it will soon be that time of year. It's Crete for us this year.
Hope you're Dad is OK.
Hi Andy! My dad is good--back from the hospital, tired, healing, and good.
I have big events to tell you all, but not the energy to post all the details. Here's the nutshell: H showed up on Thursday and said he wants a D. No warning, no nothing. As far as he's concerned, it's the only answer. He handed me papers that he had signed and notarized. I told him that I would not sign right now and that I need time and space to process this. He doesn't want to involve lawyers and thinks that I'll just go along with him on this.
I was beside myself on Friday and convinced that this was it. I've spoken to Virago, my tarot reader and former couples counselor, and Chuck, my DB coach. Both agree that he seems to panicking--maybe coming out of his stupor and realizing that
he is responsible for the unhappiness that he feels. They advise to keep the course and see what happens.
H has also been here and acted like nothing happened, but tonight he told me I don't need to fill out the finanacial declaration pages because when the parties agree on the details of the paperwork, it just doesn't need to be filled out. I don't think he regrets giving me this paperwork and in fact believes that we can go on as always but that he'll get his divorce.
I'm trying to figure out what I need to do legally here.
Does anyone know if Roller Coaster Rider is still around? I can't find her. She lives in WA and knows about the laws.
I'm calmer than I was and feel like I have a gameplan thanks to Chuck and Virago, but I'm also scared. I'm afraid that if I don't respond correctly to these papers that the D will be granted automatically.
Can anyone steer me in the right direction re. legalities?
Protect yourself.
Consult a L.
Often they offer free consultations. Look in the yellow pages.
Google your state statutes on the internet. Pretty interesting stuff!
Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power!
Your H has been able to come and go as he pleases, do Virago and Chuck think you should do any 180's to that game plan? a little dose of reality if he finds a locked door and his keys don't work.
Are you unprepared for this stage after all this time? Get yourself ready girl! That doesn't mean it will happen but it gets harder to turn it around now that H has paperwork in motion.
I am sure if my H presents paperwork I will have shock factor too, but I've told him too often that living the way we are is not acceptable to me. I still can't bring myself to go file but if he does I have a plan for that fork in the road too, although slightly scattered.
I'm glad your dad is doing good. I didn't see you waving when you went by!
Stay strong.
(((((amd)))))
Hugs from me too AMD. I'll be thinking of you.
I have no idea what those last two posts mean. Is this a reference to my coaching session? If so, butt out. I use my DB coach when I really need him. I prepaid for sessions and feel entitled to use them. If you don't like it, don't read my posts.
ANYWAY.
Thanks WCW and Andy!
Sorry I haven't posted. I just needed to finish the school year and to visit my folks. My dad is doing great, and visiting old friends was awesome! WCW, I waved to you, did you see me?
Interesting developments since the last time I posted. For one thing, I found out that H gave me the wrong papers.
Let me repeat that: HE GAVE ME THE WRONG PAPERS.
I think this is the only time that I can say that MLC has helped me at all. He got an info pack off of a website, ASSumed he knew what he was doing, and filled out the papers that the judge would issue at the end of a D settlement.
In other words, no suit has been filed. This is great news because it means I am under no timeline. In this state, you have 90 days to respond or the D is granted automatically.
Also, 3 days after H bombed me, he walked in the door and acted like the convo had never happened. This shows me that he is still in MLCBS lala land and that he doesn't know what he wants.
I am proceeding as if we
didn't have that convo, with a couple of exceptions. One big step I took was to open my own checking/ savings account. He wanted our money separate, and he got it. I think it will be quite a shock to him when he realizes that he has a lot less money to play with. I feel more comfortable now because I know how much is in my account and exactly how it's spent. A BIG stress relief.
Also, I asked H what his plan is for the future--I don't ususally initiate any convo about the future or his plans. He gets a D, we both have our summer, he continues to work where he works, I continue to work where I work; what does he see for us in the future?
His response: He doesn't know. We will still be friends, maybe we'll have a romantic R. We may even live together again...or maybe not. Maybe he'll keep living the way he does now.
I just listened and kept it light. Obviously my idea of what D means differs greatly from his, and I will need to tell him that when necessary. For now, I'm just listening.
Other than that, I continue to GAL and to give loving kindness--Chuck advised not to rock the boat too much. He said that I stirred up something that needed to be stirred up and to continue on. He agreed that it appeared that H
is coming out of MLC, so that was encouraging. Maybe this is the trip back through the MLC tunnel that I read about.
One analogy that he shared with me that I hadn't heard before really caught my attention: he said that the MLCer is like an actor in a one-person play. Everyone else in the play is static, and it is very distressing to the MLCer when another character starts acting. This thought helps me understand why H freaks out sometimes when I do stuff that he doesn't expect.
Here's something else that keeps me listening. I left on Wednesday morning. Never saw H or spoke with him. I called and left a message before I got on the plane to say goodbye. My phone was off for the flight, of course, and I didn't turn it on until about 11PM EST. He texted 3 times. The first said, "Got your message. You weren't saying goodbye to me forever were you? Hope you have a good time." Several hours later he wrote "Are you there? Did you get my text earlier today?" and then, a few hours later "You there?" So I texted back to the first message that I received all the texts, my phone was off, great flight, I was going to bed, etc. I ignored the goodbye forever thing. He texted back immediately "so you weren't saying goodbye forever amd?" And I wrote back,"No, not today.:)" And he wrote, "OK night then."
The next day he texted in the afternoon "Hope all is well amd." When I didn't reply right away, he wrote, "You're a bad texter." By then I was out with friends and had heard about Michael Jackson's death, and I texted back about that. He texted again to ask if I was OK here, and I wrote back about the heat. He called me later that night and said he wished he could come over and watch a movie or something at our house and seemed happy when I said I wished that too. he asked if it was OK for him to go to the house and watch TV while I was gone. I said sure and reminded him that my FF was taking care of the cats. After we hung up, he texted, "I am sorry I let you down amd." I wrote back "What are you talking about?" And when he didn't respond I left a message and said "It's OK. I forgive you. Let's just start fresh together."
I heard from him once more afer I texted that I was going to a crabfeast with friends (YUM!). He texted "Thinking of you." I didn't get it till late, and I waited till the next day to text back, "Good. :)"
I think he was talking about not taking care of the cats with the whole "I let you down" thing, but I'm not sure--it could be the much bigger elephant in the room. He has not referred to it at all. I LOVE that he needed to be in touch with me so much. Once I got back, it was very much the same old, same old; he likes to hang out with me when it's convenient for him and then he leaves and does whatever it is that he does. Right now it appears that he is fishing again--that's a real H thing to do, not the alien H.
So my plan for the summer:
* continue to GAL. Although I have many hobbies that I enjoy and I am perfectly comfortable with myself, I need to not be alone so much, and my goal is to be out of the house with friends at least 3 times a week. This includes hitting the gym several times a week since I'm not constrained by a work schedule.
* keep working on the house. I have PLENTY of projects to do, and plenty more that require a professional --and money. So I will do what I can and keep saving for the bigger jobs. This is so the house is more comfortable and more ready to sell sometime in the future with or without H in the picture.
OK, that's it from me because I'm done AND because I am annoyed by the fact that the screen will not stay where I am typing. Is this happening to anyone else? It is very irksome.
Be well, friends.
Good to hear from you already!
Those deleted posts were in reference to your request for how to get in contact with rcr. A website for her had been posted. If you can contact me offthisboard I might have what you're looking for.
I am so glad you are in control of your money. IMO, you should continue taking steps to allow your H to see how his life would be without you in it. I know that doesn't follow what Chuck says, but amd you have been here about as long as I have. While YOU have grown so much stronger your H continues to flop around and walk in and out of your life however he pleases.
Why in the world does he have to go to your house when you're not there to watch your tv? That says to me that he comes for the convenience of your house and not to see you. Set some boundaries. Since he wants to visit the house with or without you, why not eliminate the house from his list of pleasures? He can see you at the local coffee shop. Keep stirring the pot, but of course you have to be ready for whatever the consequences will be. But look what happened when you left town without clueing him in!
I didn't see you wave but that might have been because I was traveling too. BTW, when is that BBQ you are having us all over for?
Thanks for the info on that poster--I will be in touch. That's so weird--I obviously missed something HUGE.
Re. the money: Actually, Chuck was in favor of letting H see that life will be different for him without my income to supplement his.
Re. the house: I'm not sure why he asked to come here while I was gone. I think it might be for convenience (TV, internet access), but I think it's also because I've made this a safe place to be. He dithers on this point--he resents this house and has "bad memories of being here alone," (like when I went to choir practice) but he wants to be here because it's a haven. He has told me in the past that this is the only place where he feels comfortable enough to relax.
One benefit to him coming and going freely is that I'm often out when he shows up and then he waits around for me.
Here's something I thought was really funny: a couple of days before I left, I had to run to the store late for cat litter. I drove down our street, and I saw a silver car coming towards me that stopped as I approached. I tend not to notice/ look at other drivers when I drive, so I kept going...without realizing that it was H. In fact, the only reason that I know it was him is because he called about 2 hours later and told me that I drove right past him. In my defense, I'll say that he has windows that are tinted so dark that they are actually illegal, so I wouldn't have seen him anyway, and this is a car he bought not too long before he moved out, so I am just not familiar with it. The whole thing craked me up. My only error was that I didn't milk it for mystery and told him where I was going and that I'd come right back. I need to remember that we're back at the beginning of the rollercoaster and that I need to use those old strategies. Maybe rereading DB and DR is in order.
Right now H is out of town--I don't know where. He called me last week to say that he would be gone and if he "fell off the face of the earth, that's why." I think he might be back east visiting his folks, but I have no idea--he could be off on an adventure with his buddy from Seattle. I'm staying busy with my own stuff, but my friends are not always available when I need them, so I've been alone a lot more than I want to be. Got to fix that.
I went to Seattle with FF KL to hear Wayne Dyer speak. So wonderful! He signed one of my books, and I said "Thanks Wayne!" and he took my hand and looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you, beautiful." I said, "You changed my life. You changed the way I teach," and he turned back and refocused on me and said, "Oh, you're a teacher?" He is one of the teachers I've discovered on the spiritual journey that's come out of this marriage crisis, and I honestly don't know where I'd be without his philosophy. Always great to meet one of your heroes!
Re. the BBQ: I'd better get on that!
Be well, friends. Happy Bastille Day!
Journaling:
These are just rambling thoughts, really. I'm tired today, and my neck has been bothering me a lot recently. I'm alone way too much even though I see friends and go out; it's being home alone afterwards that is hard for me right now.
I'm also sad because there was a bad car wreck the other night that involved 3 former students, all really good kids. One is dead, one is in the hospital and recovering, and the third is in jail. Speed and alcohol and teenage boys about to start a new chapter in their lives...a bad combo.
So don't take any of this too seriously. I'm in a down mood is all, and I need to get it out.
Nothing really happening here regarding H. I have seen very little of him over the past couple of months--since I got back from MD, really only a handful of times. I am now trying "nice" text every 3 days or so--something little like "Hope you had a great weekend! Be well." My goal is to let him know that I am alive a doing very well and to create some mystery and make him wonder why I'm texting instead of calling. He knows I've been out with friends, etc., but he shows little interest in what I'm doing. I think he's cycling through the MLC stages again and is back in the "I can do whatever I like because there are no consequences in the universe that I would care about" stage.
I am seriously thinking of throwing in the towel right now. I deserve so much more than this. I really love him, but I need to stop letting him be an energy vampire and get more detached again.
I'm OK, and I know I'll be OK no matter what. I will be more than OK, actually. I guess I just don't know for absolutely sure that I'm done so I hold off.
I also wonder if/when he comes out of MLC, will he decide to start in a fresh M with me or will he just want to be completely done with "us." No guarantees that sanity will bring him home, you know?
Well of course you know. Look who I'm talking to!
OK, I'm really babbling now, so I'll go.
Be well, friends.
((((amd))))
Are you still rattled by H's actions (or lack of) regarding filing. Do you get any response from your txts to H?
Keep being who you are, and definitely keep working on plan A and plan B so you're ready for whatever comes next.
When is it county fair time?
County fair has been and gone. I didn't make it because the weather turned SUPER HOT! I'm not ready to deal with that. Stupid global warming. Still fair season, though. Maybe I'll make it up to the big one this year.
One of my horoscopes this week read:
Your heart may be demanding a great deal of attention today, and it is quite possible that you are looking to a close romantic partner to take on this task. Make sure you are being realistic in terms of your motivations for staying in a committed relationship. Remember that healthy relationships require that each person is completely whole in their singular state. Don't expect others to fill your voids. This reminder is coming to you from today's opposition between Neptune and Venus.
Good advice for all of us.
Friends, I think I'm done. I will post more about particulars this week after I speak to DB coach Chuck on Monday, but H has passed a line that I set a long time ago: He has told the staff at his school that he is Med to ow, that they live together, and that he is now dad to her daughters. He freely refers to me as XW. I believe that he is severely mentally ill, much more than MLC, and he may be abusing Oycontin. That's it for me, I think. I told him a long time ago (and myself)that the end for me would be if he lived with ow. The lies to the colleagues are the icing on the cake. I believe that he is delusional. I can't make the Pieces match up to make a complete picture. He continues to contact me on his own, albeit rarely. We have ML this summer during that time that he was supposedly "Med" to ow. He is lying to me, to ow, to his family, to his coworkers. I don't think it's healthy for me to hang on any longer. He is much less than whole, and I can't be whole for both of us.
That's even more than I intended to post--too many glasses of wine. Please keep us both in your thoughts. I love him, but I can't do this any more. I 'll try to give a more complete picture after I talk to Chuck--and when I'm sober!
Be well, brave ones. Light a candle for me--I need your strength.
You are plenty strong, woman. You've had to be if you've been doing this for four years.
I actually do have a candle lit right now. It's cool and rainy and the wet dogs are in the house with me.
Your H has likely started thinking the life he is living with ow is a real life. Didn't he start some D paperwork? maybe he isn't smart enough to know he screwed it up!
I hope you'll be back soon to post an update, it's Tuesday now already.
(((amd)))
LB: thanks! I am plenty strong. I guess it's a matter of seeing the hard stuff through to the end.
WCW: Yes, he did file D paperwork 2 years ago. Turns out that he forged my name on it too--can anyone say federal crime? Major screw up.
UPDATE Part 1:
I meant to post way before this. Isn't it funny how life rages on while we deal with one part of it all? I had an awesome convo with Chuck, and then some stuff happened with H. Then I got a terrible cold.
And then my 93-year-old grandfather went into hospice care and I flew to TX to be with him and the rest of my family. I got there just in time. He knew who I was and that I was there. He was able to talk with me briefly a couple of times--I mean like a few sentences. And then every day after that he was a little worse until I left at the end of the week and he was nonresponsive, semicomatose, really. I got home in the wee hours last Sunday morning, and he died Sunday night. This is the third family death for me in 3 years, and it is the one I feel the most at peace with, mostly because I knew it was coming and settled things before he died.
So now I'm back in my reality and I'm about to embrace a major stereotype and hire a private investigator. Here's what's been going on with me:
First, my session with Chuck. Awesome as always. He believes that I need to make an announcement: I understand where H is at, I know that he's moved and is telling people that he's remarried, and that I've made a decision to handle it and move forward. This may force H to be confronted with reality--it goes back to the core beliefs of the WAS that the LBS never changes, that he knows me completely.
He suggests writing a letter of release. This is beyond the Last Resort Technique, which I've been living for a while. This is a letter that I can hand to H or mail. Here's the outline:
* begin with appreciation for the role that H has played in my life
* tell him that I realize that we're in a place where I need more, I need a real husband
* tell him that I release him and am moving on, that I'll be filing my own D papers, and that I'll contact him with legal and financial stuff as I work them out with my lawyer.
I told Chuck about the forged signatures, and he approves of me not signing the papers that H filed. He suggested saying in the letter something like, "The lock's been changed, keep the key as a souvenir."
He says to talk with a lawyer before I give H the letter--it makes it harder to double back and slip back into old habits, e.g. staying in the limbo rut when H is sweet and charming. He cautioned me that H may come back super-repentant. This is a big problem because it's tempting to go back to an unhealthy cycle. I need to be prepared to be clear about what I need to see to reconcile, and I should not agree to anything right then, just say, "I don't know if you can make those kinds of changes, H, I'll think about it." H needs to be afraid that he's gone too far, and I need to be committed to going through with this. It's how I respect myself and call the shots now.
IF H has some kind of epiphany, I must make him win me. He needs to learn/remember what it means to be loving. He needs to show sacrificial love, the kind that costs you with no guarantees that you'll be successful--in other words, the unconditional love that I've been giving these 4 years. H needs to discover his depth; right now he doesn't know if he has any because he's never tested it.
He says to be prepared for a response that's different than what I expect, to be PATIENT, and to make him win me.
His prediction is that in 2-3 years, I will be fine and H will be a mess. I've shown integrity, dignity, and selfrespect, and I have dug deep and know myself. H hasn't had to do any of this work, and he will be lost.
UPDATE part 2:
So the day after I talked with Chuck, I made arrangements for my paycheck to go straight to my checking account instead of the one I share with H, and for the car payment to come out of my account as well. I had just finsihed and was pulling in the dreivay when H drove in right behind me. AAAGH! I didn't know how to behave. I forgot to talk to Chuck aobut htat piece! I couldn't tip my hand at all...so I was sweet and loving and kind like I always am. H came in and sat down and started telling me all about the fish he's been catching. He has fish for me, appanrently, and he's been cutting up the fillets to sizes that are easier for me to use, he says.
Then he said he almost called me in August when he went back home to see his family and started telling me about that whole saga. Why on earth would he want to call me when he's supposedly remarried and thrilled about it? I said if he had I would have just laughed about the whole thing(you know how it is with old family patterns), and he agreed and said he would actually have asked me what I thought he should do. CRAZY.
Then it became clear that he wanted to ML. I was torn. I decided to do it and enjoy it, and I DID. I felt very powerful and pleased with myself. That sounds really self-absorbed, but it felt more like I was finally calling the shots for myself.
That was the last time I saw H. It's been almost 4 weeks. I have spoken to him a couple of times, however.
Like on payday when he went into the checking account and saw that my check wasn't there and called me at work to find out why.
He NEVER checks the bank account, and I really didn't think he'd notice that I made that change. I realized quickly that he was actually worried that his check was being held up, and I told him that I was trying to be more respectful of his request to keep our money separate. I told him we could put it back the old way if he wanted, and he said no, he didn't care, he was concerned that he had screwed something up and that he might need to call payroll.
I also called him when I knew I was leaving town, and it took him 3 days to get back to me. He asked me to call him when I got in so he knew I was safe. He NEVER wants me to do that. I was anxious that he was taking stuff out of the house while I was gone, but I was wrong. I texted him a couple of times while I was there, and he responded.
I called when I got back and then again when I knew my grandfather had died. he texted me the next morning after I was already at work and then called me later in the day. He also had a "business" question, which I afraid meant more money stuff, but it turned out that one of my former students was trying to pass off bad writing as something I would have accepted and even encouraged him to do last year. We laughed about it.
And finally he called me this past Thursday to tell me he's going out of town hunting. Why would he want to tell me that? it's not like I'm pursuing him AT ALL.
And maybe that's the exact reason why he's telling me. Maybe.
UPDATE part 3:
So here's the reason I'm considering hiring a PI.
The weekend after I spoke to Chuck, I went to see my tarot reader Virago. As I've said before, she's a former couples counselor, and that's mostly how we talk these days. I told her about the letter of release, thinking she'd approve because she gave me similar advice in June when H said he wanted to D, but I was wrong. She strongly encuraged me NOT to do this until I have more info. She asked if it's possible that H is renting the house from ow and that she isn't there at all. Of course that's possible. It doesn't explain why he'd say that he's remarried, but it's possible.
I also think that we can all safely say at this point that H is not well and that he is suffering from something beyond MLC. One FF who is a counselor and has a lot of experience with mental illness says H's behavior is in the top 5% of behaviors that indicate mental illness. Virago said she spoke with a friend who is a therapist, and she suggested something like multiple personality disorder.
It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?!
So Virago suggested a PI to get more info on H's living situation.
I also drove past his new place the other night. The garage door was open, and I saw his car and another car that I didn't recognize. I don't know what ow drives these days, and both her daughters are drving now as well. Part of me hopes that it does belong to her so I can just be done.
That car could also belong to a roommate. Part of me hopes that it does belong to someone like that so that I can...I don't know what. Just know, I guess.
This is why I need a PI. I can't spy, and I can't ask friends to spy. I want this piece of info before I proceed further. It doesn't change how H has treated me or how he has behaved, but I want this fact. I will probably still file even if he lives alone or with a roommate, but I will know the truth. In one of the meditations that I use from Wayne Dyer, he says, "I am strenghtened as I seek to make truth my personal reality." And we all know that truth sets you free.
OK, I think that's all that's been going on with me since my last post. I was out with FF the counselor on Friday night, and she said she admires that I approach this and speak of it with such a sense of adventure. I'd never thought of that before, but I guess I do, mostly because it's so unbelievable and nutty that I have to alternate crying with laughing.
Good night, dear friends. Be well. I have candles lit for all of us and toast our efforts daily.
Moo to you! it's about time!
Wow, when you update you do it big! There's been a lot going on in your life!
I would do things different than what you are but you've got plenty of people telling you enough already.
You've been living your life physically without your H for so many years, have you thought about the reasons you would want to keep him or have him back?
Just like me, you've been reluctant to break any final ties with your H or make moves to really disconnect. Your H needs some major doses of reality!
Take care of you. (((amd)))
Thanks, WCW. I am taking care of me.
I have thought about those reasons to have him back. I guess there's still a part of me that believes that we could reconcile. It's hard to face a final decision like D; I'm not afraid to do it--I just don't want to. Does that make sense?
What I really want is to be happy...and I'm not happy. I keep hoping we can be happy together, but he's not willing to put in the work to make that happen.
So what would you do differently than me, WCW?
I understand that you believe and hope, and don't WANT to file. I 100% get that!
The one single thing that I think made the biggest difference in my sitch is that I told H that if he moved out and left then I would not let him back. H always figured we'd be friends and he could come and go as he pleased and still help me around here. I said no. When you drive out the driveway take a good look because you won't see it again.
Now to clarify, in H's typical style, he stretched that as far as he possibly could. Even to the extent of he had his own secret place including utilities in his name that I did not know about, but he was always at home each night.
amd, your H has had free rein and you've always showed unconditional love. That's all great, but you haven't had many boundaries. Where is the reality check for your H? IMO, you need shock and awe - with love.
Does that make sense?
Yes, it does. I went with this plan based on how I read DB and on Chuck's advice. I did tell H that if he was living with ow that that would be it for me, and that's what the PI will help me with. Even if he isn't living with her, I'm pretty sure that I'm getting off this ride. I've given myself 3 months to organize the PI, the D lawyer and papers, and my letter of release. That way I can also deal with holidays and GAL activities--which I really need to focus on more.
To that end, I'm going to a hot springs resort in OR this coming weekend for a meditation class. Can't wait! Also, I've been having a lot of work done on my house--big trees chopped down, new windows and insulation int he attic and under the floorboards. Siding and paint are next. The house looks and feels great, and now I feel like I can sell it when/if I'm want to. Feng shui rocks!
Be well, friends.
Doesn't it always seem funny that we fix something to sell it but not for ourselves?
Hope you're having an awesome time at the resort! sounds great!
Hi Amd, hope the meditation class went well.
I will keep popping back to see how you are doing but wanted to wish you seasons greetings. Hope 2010 goes the way you wish it to go. Take care.
Andy: It was AWESOME! I really needed to get out of town, and Breitenbush was the perfect place to do it!I feel more committed to my meditation practice and learned more about how to calm the "monkey mind." I also met some people from my town and we've talked about forming a meditation book group to help keep each other on track. To date, we haven't done it, but I think we will. AND...I have now appeared naked in public and on purpose in a mixed gender setting for the purpose of hottubbing. I can't say I was comfortable the whole time, but I did it and am proud of myself.
WCW: I was thinking the same thing! I am committed to enjoying the changes. Maybe I'll live here forever, and maybe I'll sell when the market improves. However it works out, everything I do makes the house cozy and lovely--definitely better feng shui flowing around here! The siding is being stripped off the house today as I type this. Wish they'd told me to take down all breakables first.
So I hired a PI with unimpressive results. She was not as experienced as I thought she was. It does seem that H and ow are living together. He continues to live a double life and doesn't know that I know that he's doing it. Next step for me is to talk to a lawyer. H is laying low right now--usually only communicates through text message these days. That's fine--my goal in texting him daily is to remind him that I'm still here. When I saw him last (about 3 weeks ago), he seemed tired and rundown. He still wants to come here and be comforted and loved. I really think he's on drugs or mentally ill or both. I alternate between feeling sorry for him and feeling frustrated and angry. He says he's really sick.. and I hope he is suffering!
I am enjoying winter break in spite of all that. We're having a stretch of sunny weather, and I am soaking it up as much as possible before the rain sets back in. The one thing I need to be careful of is maintaining PMA. If I'm not busy, I get bored,and that leads to brooding. I have PLENTY to do, God knows, but I like to be lazy on these days off as well. I can be lazy and GAL at the same time, but sometimes I cross the line into dark places and have to haul myself out of there. I'm better and faster at it than I used to be.
Ok, friends, that's it from me. Happy New Year if I'm not on before then. Be well.
I'm sorry your H crossed your boundary about living with ow. Even when you already 'know' it's still a kick in the gut to find out.
my goal in texting him daily is to remind him that I'm still here.
amd, are you still talking to Chuck or getting other help? are they supporting and agreeing with you? IMO your H has never NOT known you are there. You are his rock. Your H needs an earthquake to shake the crapola out of him.
I hope you have a really great break! soak up plenty of that sunshine while you can!
And I hope that the letter of release will do exactly that. I haven't talked with Chuck since that last time when we outlined the plan. This is my last effort before I hand him the letter and say goodbye. When I have not been in touch with H at all, it hasn't changed anything. He seems intrigued by this type of contact--one email or text or call--and responds to it, like a little contact is mystery enough to get his attention. Honestly, WCW, I really don't know what else to do at this point except to stick the plan I made with Chuck. That means talking to a lawyer in the next couple of weeks.
Speaking of which, one thing I'll discuss witht he L is the possibility of signing the stupid D papers H gave me. He is really strapped for money right now, and if I file myself, he may decide to not go with that agreement that gives me the house and demand more. Although I am loathe to sign the papers he drew up and forged my name on, it may be in my best interests to swallow my pride and do it. Definitely one for the L to advise me on.
In the meantime, I continue enjoy myself. Siding on the house just finished--can't wait for paint now! Just got tix for Norah Jones in April and James Taylor/ Carol King in May. Choir starts again next week.
I am spending too much time alone, though. When all your friends are married and most have kids, it's hard to find people my age to hang out with. Once I'm single again I'll have to figure this aspect out. At least I'm not the first to wrestle with that!
That's all. Just checking in. Be well, friends.
AMD, I'd hang with you. =)
That's the nicest thing I've heard all day, Forward. Thanks!
So, since I've got nothing left to lose, I'm thinking of confronting ow.
Thoughts?
Lots of thoughts but one question. What would you want the outcome to be?
((((amd))))
(((Andy)))
2 things:
1. I want both of them to suffer. They don't get to live happily ever after. I want to destroy their R. I'm not proud of this, but there it is.
2. I want ow to know the truth. I want her to know that H is lying through his teeth and is messing with her and her family. As much as I loathe her, she needs to know this. Slightly more altruistic.
I'm dragging my feet in terms of doing it, though. I still have to talk to a lawyer and make sure I have all my bases convered. I know that H will not come home on his own at this point. I don't even know right now if I ever want him to come home. I want to end this on my terms, I guess, but I hate it. This is SO not the result that I hoped/ prayed/ worked for.
BTW, I am 41 now. All my horoscopes say that this will be a fantastic year for me, and it will--because I will make it so.
Love you, my DB friends. Be well. Spring is coming!
Happy Birthday?
I understand how you feel but also be careful what you wish for...
I know where you're coming from too. I think this year WILL be a fantastic one for you amd. Belated Birthday wishes.
Thank you, old friends. Thank god you're still around.
I will talk with the lawyers by the end of this month. Then I may have a clearer idea of how to handle this. What do you do when your H has turned into a forger and bigamist? I don't know either, but I'll find out and let you all know.
BTW, my old neck problem has flared up again from when that kid drilled me. I'm seeing a chiropractor now--no snapping of hte neck, but other methods of adjusting. Where a healthy neck curves, mine is straight. Where healthy vertebrae line up like a dotted line along the curve, mine have buckled so they make little V's to each other. No wonder it still hurts no matter what I do! I'm reopening my L & I claim with the chiropractor's help. I'm hopeful that this course of treatment will be the cure.
I wonder if I could file an L & I claim for my M...
Anyway, be well, friends. Let me know if you have any advice for me. I feel your good vibes all the time, and I hope you're getting mine as well.
Hi girlfriend!
Sorry to hear you are still embroiled in this mess. Let go or be dragged. It's long past time to just let go and fly on into your fabulous new life.
I'm good, trying to get divorce paperwork done, looking to buy a new house. My kids have suffered and I'll never get over the ex choosing to put them through this pain, but we will all survive it. My life, however, is so good. I can't believe how happy I am without the ex's negative energy in my life. I have great friends, I'm playing the drums in a rock band class (picture School of Rock for grownups), and my new boyfriend is yummy. Once I let go of the ex, my life just got better and better.
Ellie
Ellie, I didn't know that you were going thru a D. Part of me says bummer, but all of me cheers you on! How did you meet the boyfriend? This is something I think about a lot--how do I start over at 41? I'm practicing my people skills when I'm out with friends, but I'm not sure how the dating word works. Clue me in!
Andy, love you as always.
I was talking to my hairdresser one day about that very issue - how was I, as a 53 year old woman, going to meet eligible guys?
And she said "Go on Plentyoffish, everybody's doing it now"
So, just out of curiosity, I went online to see what single guys my age looked like.
Long story short, that's how I met my oh-so-geographically undesirable boyfriend. Sheer luck, really, when I look back.
My only advice - if you do go online, don't talk a long time before you meet. If you think they're interesting, meet for coffee quickly - odds are, they'll smell bad or you won't click. Get it out of the way. All too easy to develop an online "relationship" and then discover you don't click in real life.
Excellent, Ellie--thanks! Bummer about the geographically undesirable part, though.
FYI, I talked with DB coach Chuck this morning last minute. I called to make an appointment, and he was open in 5 minutes--must have been meant to be. We talked about my letter of release and how to give it to H--I will mail it to his home (with ow, which shows him that I know the truth and that we can deal with it openly. We also talked about how to say thank you and farewell to his family and about confronting ow witht he truth, which I am not comfortable with and consequently will not do. I absolutely believe that karma comes around and trust that the universe will settle their hash in the perfect way at the perfect time. Chuck's advice about meeting new people was to GAL and do th w things that bring me joy and make friendships that way--this helps avoid rebound Rs. Great convo, but very emotional.
I was also able to schedule an appointment wtih a L tomorrow afternoon--his last available this week, so again, meant to be. this is soemone a colleague used last year for her D, and I liked the way he treated her. We'll see what he has to say about the whole enchilada.
I'm on spring break right now and happy to call my time my own. I may go out of town this week for a day or two, but I'm not sure yet.
BTW, I've been asking H for 2 weeks to bring my sleeping bag and mat by in case I go on a trip this week. No reply. I texted last night: "Please don't let me down on this." He showed up in the early afternoon--hung out and talked about work, etc. Says he might be by later tonight. Kissed me many times. First time we've seen each other in 7 weeks. It would be so easy to just keep going this way, but I'm ready to be done--I know the truth. Boy is he going to be surprised!
Be well, friends.
KML & AMD... old times
I know you both were around when I was first here like 4 years ago. Just wanted to pop in and say it's nice (i guess... considering the circumstances, hard to say that) to see you both.
AMD, it sucks that you're still in the mess. Whatever happens, I know you've put in the time to make your life better, and it will indeed be that. As long as I am around, I will check in on ya.
GH
GH, I'm glad to hear from you...and bummed that you're around again. It does suck to still be in this mess, but it's my own choice. As terrifying as it is, I'm jumping off the crazy train.
Yes, terrifying. I just realized that last night as I caught up wtih a Ff that I've not been in touch with in ages. She asked how I'm feeling and I said, "Good, and sad." After I hung up, I asked myself the question again and felt the fear. Intellctually, I know that moving on is the healthiest thing I can do for myself now...but I love H. I still hope he'll surface, realize what a horrible mistake he's made, and work to create a new M with me. But if I hold my breath waiting for that day, I'll pass out.
Anyway, I like this L a lot. He has a ministerial background, which is cool. He sounds a lot like Chuck, actually. He says I can use the current D case but rewrite the papers to reflect the changes I want, then present them to H. There are no financial benefits to exposing H's crimes, so he advises me to use them as leverage if I need to but to let them go otherwise.
I'll deal with all that when my taxes are done (tedious) and when my choir concert is done (the weekend of 4/16). This is another place that I've really changed--I used to try to do it all at once. I am so much more relaxed when I go step by step.
OK, back to taxes. Be well, friends.
amd, how was the L appt? I hope it doesn't put a total damper on your spring break and you get to use that sleeping bag.
GH, nice to see ya but sorry you needed to return.
kml, you're in the D process and dating and having hot sex?
Hi WCW! The L appt was good--like I said above, pretty straightforward.
Choir concerts this entire weekend, followed on Sunday by a Norah Jones concert with FF. I have off today and Monday--lovely. After this weekend, I'll start on the D paperwork. Not so lovely.
This is so not what I want, but I have to do it for my own health and sanity.
Weird heart dart yesterday when I realized the hockey playoffs started and H and I haven't discussed it at all. First time ever that we haven't had some sort of convo about teams, etc. Just when I thought I was done with firsts with him.
Be well, friends.
....for your post amd. Hope the choir weekend went well and I am sure you will have thoroughly enjoyed Norah Jones.
Hope you are well.
Hi Andy! The concerts went really well--we raised a ton of money that will cover our costs and fund our scholarship and charities. I love being able to sing and perform commnity service at the same time.
Norah Jones was FANTASTIC--what talent! I would see her live again anytime.
AND I saw James Taylor and Carole King a couple of weeks ago. What can I say--they are legends for a reason. They had the coolest set, too--it was a rotating stage set up in the middle of the arena, so no matter where you sat, they would face you at some point. They sang for HOURS. Loved it!!
I got the news that my L&I claim has been reopened so my neck can be treated without me paying for it--YAY! Since I started seeing this chiropractor, I have not been in pain except for recovering from the traction treatment that he uses. I used to be in pain every single day to varying degrees, and now it's so rare.
AND I'm off of work today because I'm having new floors installed in the bathroom , bedroom, and kitchen: porcelin tile in the bath and bamboo that matches existing hardwood in the others. The ancient fence that is rotting away will be replaced starting next week so I'll actually have privacy in my backyard for the first time in 11 years. My house will be so feng shui, I almost can't stand it.
Next year the house will be 70; I'm having a birthday party for it. Everyone here is invited, of course!
Update:
I sent H an email asking him to get the student loan, which is consolidated in both of our names, into his name alone. I painted it as a benefit to him because he may be able to claim the interest on his tax return next year. No response from him. I hope he figures out a way--his credit is so poor that I don't think he can get a loan without a cosigner, which I suggested in the email.
I have spoken and texted with him, and he stopped by for one afternoon a couple of weeks ago. He continues to play the status quo game, as in not telling me that he's living/ "married" to ow. CRAZY.
We spoke not long after I posted last, and I asked him some questions about baseball and hockey. He said he was looking at tickets for the Mariners, and I asked if he knew that the Orioles (my hometown team) had already been here. He said that's who he was looking at tickets for. I said, "Well, if you're ever looking for someone to go to a game with, you know I love live baseball." And he said, "I love watching baseball with YOU," with a big smile in his voice. WTH? Oh, wait I remember: he's mentally ill.
I continue to work on the D paperwork in my mind. I want him to take this loan over before I give him the papers, but that may not happen; although I have that issue covered in the papers, I want to not worry that he'll default and leave me holding the bag. I also continue to pray for reconciliation between us. It's weird to hope for one thing and prepare for the opposite. I feel very peaceful within myself, though. Peaceful in my whole life, not just about the situation with H.
Be well, friends.
amd, I was wondering....would you come fengshu my house too? I'm so bad with house stuff, and the more I ignore it the worse it gets. I want a nice house, I just don't want to do anything about it!
I continue to work on the D paperwork in my mind. I want him to take this loan over before I give him the papers, but that may not happen; although I have that issue covered in the papers, I want to not worry that he'll default and leave me holding the bag. I also continue to pray for reconciliation between us. It's weird to hope for one thing and prepare for the opposite. I feel very peaceful within myself, though. Peaceful in my whole life, not just about the situation with H.
I loved reading this. IMO it is where you need to be. I was there too, and I think as long as it is real issues you are dealing with before D papers get filed it makes perfect sense(cents). I never had to file, who knows for you?
I wonder though, why do you let your H think you don't know about his other life?
Norah is brilliant. Carole King was over here not so long ago. Appeared on TV a couple of times. Playing songs from "Tapestry", which has just been re-released, it was really good. Not sure about the baseball though. The last time I played (we don't call it baseball for some reason) I broke my clavicle!!!!
Hoping you are in the right place now amd. Could do with some of that feng shui in my place.
MOO!!
amd, hurry and you can still get your once a month update posted!
Hello, old friends--just dropping by to say Happy Thanksgiving! I am doing great. No D paperwork filed. H seems to be coming round to realizing that he's really screwed up but doesn't know how to fix it. I am happy where I am--open to all possibilities and creating the richest, fullest, most satisfying life posible as I love and nurture MYSELF.
Love you and think about you all often. Be well.
Thanks for the drive by, it's good to hear something from you!
H seems to be coming round to realizing that he's really screwed up but doesn't know how to fix it.
You know the old saying - you eat an elephant one bite at a time.
Stop back soon!
....Amd. Gosh, ThanksGiving and soon Christmas. Keep well.
Hello friends. Just checking in on old stomping grounds. I am still contemplating D--things got really great with H for a long time, and now I've been thrown for another loop. So, getting back in the GAL saddle. I am really still in the same place I was the last time I posted. That will change soon, probably with D, but I'm letting it all ride right now and seeing how it plays out.
Be well, darlings.
amd, glad you updated although it sure leaves a LOT of ????
Stay well.
