RCR Posting (edited):
I didn;t hear a single "I'm sorry" in his comments to you. What I heard from him was, "this is your one chance to have me back, take the weekend to think about it" Doesn't sound like he is remorseful or repentant to me for what he has done to you and your kids, sounds to me like he is very arrogant in his comments to you.
I just feel in my gut, it is not real.
Braveheart said it...and as for it being real or not
It is both. This is how a return starts. Braveheart mentioned not until he comes crawling back.
That sounds a superiority issue...saying, feeling or showing I'm sorry is not something that must be grovelled. Perhaps it is thought that grovelling is modesty and humble. No, it shows weakness. I wanted Sweetheart to walk back in with his head held high--nose at the regular angle though. My equal, not above or below. It is when they fee equal that they are completely through. I do want to point out though...Braveheart is on target--I'm not disagreeing with your views of Puffy and his present motivations.
...And returns (or attempts) are BEFORE the end. Most do not return (that is start or try) as healthy people...returners are broken--often the grovellers Braveheart wants to see. I don't like giving shoulds...but here goes anyway. What we should want (eventually) is a strong and healthy partner with self-worth and confidence. Sometimes they need to return before that and it is our beliefe and confidence in them that can guide them to it for themselves...so said my counselor.
You no longer feel in love with Puffy.
I love you but I'm not in love with you is the MLCer mantra. We've all heard some version of it--most the exact version. And what adivce and comments are given here about that...?
They do love you, but are confused, their love is lost/ buried...
They are confusing in-love with in-fatuation
Love doesn't just up and fly away like that
Love is a choice
Love is a decision
Love is an action
Love is an emotion/feeling
Many say Love is not one of these but another...I say it is all of these things....and though it cannot be fabricated (which is making false) it can be created--realized. To real-ize is to make real.
What do you want? Do you know?
What I feel you do know is that Puffy is not trustworthy right now. I like saying yet...but I think you are doubtful that he may ever be...and belief creates reality. If you were to get back together now, but you doubt him (trust takes time, but Faith that it WILL COME can be present in the now) he will sense your doubt and manifest your fears...and not become trustworthy.
You do not feel in-love?
Do you want to feel in love with Puffy?
Do you wish you felt in love with Puffy?
A yes answer to either of those last questions is evidence you need to give him a chance...someday. (to me)
I personally believe parents who are married to each other and together are better for the children. There are studies to support all hypotheses of course...divorce isn't harmful, divorce is harmful. Some have shown that a poor marriage is better than divorce.
But that doesn't mean you should martyr yourself. Find your happiness and do with your life what is meant to be for your life. Because that is also what is meant to be for your children's childhood.
I know that I am supposed to forgive it all, and I am trying. I swear I am trying to forgive.
Are you confusing Forgiveness with Reconciliation? Reconciliation is NOT a requirement of Forgiveness.
Yes, Forgiveness is important. And I think you are further along the process than you know. It doesn't mean you remain married to Puffy. It means you can, there are no have to's.
So, If i find out that Puffy is wanting to come back...b/c he is sorry.
What do I do?
Since you do not believe this, you feelings are based on something else. Keep your mind open to change. You may have a change if you truly feel his motivations are authentic.
Fake it until you make it." I knew these words would come back to haunt us. Take your time.
If he truly wants to come home, what would be wrong with you setting the boundaries around his return? That it wouldn't be immediate and that it would be when and if you are able to rekindle the feelings for him?
Liss...you need to do what is right for you. I think we are all pretty unanimous here that Puffy isn't done baking. But when he is...then what? And think about this, maybe part of the process involves a more active spousal role for you. I truly believe marriages can be made more beautiful--beyond out imaginings--after this crisis. They CAN be...not that they WILL be. Are you willing to give that a chance? I'm not trying to tell you what to do...simply place the ideas out there.
Puffy may very well refuse any form of boundaries or counseling if you suggest those. And as for letting him back home...NOOOOOO. But maybe open some communication with him about this.
"I am not in love with you. But I wish I were.
I want to Forgive you and I need to be able to do that regardless of your actions. But to begin to feel in love I need more. I need you to show me that you have and will change and that you are aware of the pain we have felt. How do you feel about our pain? Does it hurt you too? Are you willing to help us heal that pain? I want to Forgive you and Love you, but I also want you to Forgive and love your Self. Right now you have no Self Love. [I'm trying to avoid the actual words sorry, apologize, remorse so as to be subtle].
I cannot let you come home. I want to trust you and do not. Are you willing to show me you are trustworthy, or that you will work to become trustworthy? What do you plan to do to show this?
If you want to be my husband and lover, some things need to happen first. [here come the boundaries]
The OW must be gone--no contact of any sort.
Counseling is a requirement--family, couples...
I will not give you a guarantee that I will fall in love with you again. But I will promise that I want to. I want a beautiful marriage for US and for M&M. But I will not consider this if unless we work together to heal our wounds and become equal partners."
Either way...I think you need to see a counselor or Psychologist...if for nothing other than to get through that crying you fear would be eternal.
Choose your life with confidence and go forward boldly.
HUGS,
RCR