Hi,
checked H's acct today and a check cleared for 3k...I am pretty positive that is is for a L...I am sick that he has most likely filed...he told me a couple of weeks ago that he was going to!!
we have not even had a conversation about or R/M face to face...he has either mentioned things in passing or on the phone.
Do I talk to him?? I feel so sick right now I don't know what to do!! Just when I think I am better I get slammed with another blow.
After he files does anyone know how long it takes to get served papers?? I am going to have total anxiety until it happens...what if I lose it?? What if my kids see me lose it?? I feel completely out of control today.....HELP
Mom,
Breathe. I don't now how long it takes to get served. I know the blows keep coming.
What would be the worse thing that would happen if you lost it? You're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. Ok, so you break down, scream, and cry. Is there someone who can help you with the kids? NOT your H. Routine will help you. And what if you kids do see you? What do you think that means? That your a bad Mom? NOT. That your not Supergirl? Ok, you might be that, but do you think that if Supergirl (or Wonderwoman if you prefer)if she were real, would never have lost it? Look at what you're going through and cut yourself some slack!
Seriously what do you think it means if you "lose it"?
Mo2g, breathe in deeply and relax. I know I am a relatively new poster but I have confidence in you that you can handle this.
This is not the end of the world and it may be part of the journey back to you and your children. H is not thinking straight. H is acting only on emotions.
You existed before him and you will exist without him. That does not mean that you will be permanently apart but you need to understand that you are an important and valuable person. When you realize that you are fine with or without him, you will be in a much better place. If he comes back, you will be able to have a better marriage, if that is what you want at that time.
I would not even worry about what he is doing or what he is thinking. If he has filed, there is nothing you can do about it nor should you want to. mo2g, you know you are awesome and he does not define you. Get to that understanding. If he comes back and you want him back, your love for him will be that much better as will your M.
God, please help mo2g rest in You. You said that we should take your yoke because your load is light and we can rest. Please help mo2g let go and come to You for everything.
Love ya mo2g!
m2
Take a deep breath here. Please understand that the things to focus on are the things that you can control. Don't let your mind launch without you. It will just spin out of control and run right over you.
Here are some facts you can consider. If he did give L a check, they often get the retainer up front even if they are just doing paperwork in prep for filing.
If they do file, you will find some on this site that did so years ago and are still not taking the next step. That is why some states toss the action out after it lingers a year without further effort. He may feel it is just a step he must take. If they tell people they are going to do it, they often feel they must in order to keep their credibility. They may even be getting coached by a third party they should ignore. Hey, some IC even offer support to someone they think is looking for the strength, when they should be encouraging otherwise.
There are so many variables that you can not know and may never know, so don't let your mind race off the end of the runway. Talk to your own L. First contact is often free and just lets them know you may need their help if served. They can give you the best advice here.
In my case, I was finally told that I needed to have my L contact the other as being served can be done via fax between the Ls and avoid personal emotional drama.
A good reason to have already met a L you feel good about, and have a business card handy in the event you need to provide contact info quickly.
The person paying L to file has to tell the L whether or not to serve or work out some other form of processing. Some angry filers want to hurt the other person and have them served at work in an embarassing manner. Stupid is as stupid does. This justifies returning the favor as you counterfile.
Since my W works in very conservative office that does not know she races around from bar to bar on her Harley with bikers and chose to destroy her family, dating ex coworkers ... she was very terrified I would counterfile her at work. Very afraid all her secrets would blow up at work. She kept her L from doing anything threatening until I had time to talk to someone and have them work it out via fax.
Counterfiling seemed standard with my L. A few more small processing fees, but it basically stated we denied any and all allegations made against me by her .... etc. Just a global statement of "No, I don't think it will be that easy"
Take some time away from what you are doing and worrying about to release some tension. Go out in the air and look at the sky. If you are not seeing an IC and think you may need some third party support for your fears, it may help. You will get as much help here as we can provide by keyboard. You may want to be with family or church family or favorite hair stylist to unload your concerns. I strongly suggest you do so. I also advise you to avoid trashing H with anyone that will be too quick to steer you into anger and revenge.
At this stage you have no idea what will really happen. Do not assume in big bites. Nibble at this in manageable pieces. Don't worry about the next bite until you have found a way to process and work with the first. Nothing happens overnight. Anything that happens will take a great deal of time. You are at least finding what you know at this point ... with a weekend ahead.
Use this break away from business concerns to create isolated quality time with kids. Plan some time to relax in a tub or get a manicure. Look in the mirror. When you do, drive away the frowns, they wrinkle your natural beauty. Think about the person you really are. Think about how wonderful you were before this drama and how wonderful you will be when it is resolved and behind you in some way. Smile at that person. Tell that person you have and will continue to do your best, always working at being a better mom, person, and partner in life to all that you share this planet with.
If you see any pain in the mirror, kiss it and make it better. If you see any guilt in the mirror, forgive it and let it go.
If you see other people in the mirror, we are there to support you and help you any way we can.
I know how you are feeling girl. Here in MI, they have three months to serve you so it probably won't happen right away and if you talk to him about it, ask if he could have the decency to not serve you at work or at home. You can go to his attorney's office to pick up the papers and/or have them mailed to your attorney's office. If you don't have one yet, you might want to start looking for one.
I know it may not feel like it but this is all technicalities right now. Your H is acting on emotions.
My attorney's office received the complaint this week and then called me to go pick the papers up. When I called H to yell at him and ask him why already, he said he had no idea it was coming that fast that his attorney never told him he had three months to serve me. By the way he was acting, I truly believe him.
SO FOR NOW, DO NOTHING! ACT AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND YOU DON'T KNOW.....
Mom sweetie!
We don't know what the check is for yet right?
Can you call a friend to come over, and just be with you for a while.
Just until you can calm down a little.
It is ok to cry. Read over what W2S wrote sweetheart.
Breathe.
WOW. Are we living the same life?
No face to face with H.
Found H filed by looking at a check from his acct. Ick. This was 2 days after "let's keep the door open" conversation.
This is what I did...I was terrified they would serve me at work since H had no idea where I lived.
I called a L and got a consult. They told me the court that the paperwork goes through. I just caleld that court weekly, just to give me aheads up if I was being served.
Of course, you can just ask H also. If you both are talking well, then I should hope he tells you first.
My H paid a retainer in October and only signed in January. ANd we're still 'talking'.....
Momof2,
This is a big lesson for you in trying not to snoop. The only person who really gets hurts by this is you. In my case it was Hs phone records. I could do this legitimately b/c the phone was in my name at the time. Yes it did alert me when he changed from one OW to another. That hurt believe me. Why did I need to inflict that pain on myself?
The point here (like Liss said) is that you don't actually know what the cheque is for yet. He may have booked himself a holiday that's another common thing for MLCers to do especially if it is recent).
Try not to worry. Save you energies for events that have actually happened (or definately are going to).
(((((((Hugs)))))))))
Regardless of whether the check os for a lawyer or not doesn't matter...and let's face it, 3K, my bet is with you that it is for a lawyer.
He saidi he was going to do this. Now it's your turn.
GET A LAWYER. You are not filing, but you need someone representing you so you can contest this. Lawyers often give a free first visit...that way you can interview a few for a fit for yourself and your situation.
Then if it really bothers you, find out if your lawyer can request to be served for you--that's what mine did.
AS fo talking to him about this NO!
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Oh, he's gonna be pissed when he finds out you have your own lawyer...and more so when he lerans you are contesting. Tough. Just tell him that this is how these things work and refer him to your lawyer for legal and financial BS.
If he screams at you and inisist ont alking...hang up the phone if you must. Instead try to use it as an opportunity to validate, show your consistency and strenght in this matter and pepper in a bunch of "I'm sorry you feel that way"s. But that is tough to do at this stage, so hang up if you are not ready.
Right now I just want you to expect rage from him. It is a test, and to pass you are to remain strong and focused on what you want and believe.
You can do this. But I want you to find a lawyer NOW...go get the phone book or start lookin online right now. When I did I had to make appointments sevral weeks in advance...so no dawdling.
HUGS,
RCR
THANK YOU ALL!!
I do have an L that I consulted with a while back when H told me he wanted to sell house. I met to go over my legal rights. I like L very much...I have talked to him 3 or 4 times on the phone and he has yet to ask me for $$...His first question every time I talk to him is "How are you emotionally?" I think that is really kind.
H does not know I looked at his acct!! He opened his own and used our address...I kind of stumbled over it by accident. So I called the automated phone line and have done so daily...today the 3k check cleared...H just wrote it b/c he gave me a check on Sunday and the 3k check number is the one after.
I am sick over the fact he can do this w/o even a conversation...I don't feel marriage should be this disposible...I am sure his OW (who is 23...UGH...he is 40) is occupying every thought he has right now.
Not sure if I should make an attempt to talk to him...would much rather p/u papers myself.
I am his second M and I can't believe that he would be so callous as to throw our M away without even trying to work at it!! If you read my previous posts you will see this hit me out of no where...I have two young daughters and two stepsons who I love deeply and have raised them since they were young!! How can H just throw me away w/o even thinking about what we have been through and how great I was to his boys?? I married him with my eyes wide open...I chose to get involved and he has a pretty scary XW....I am not bad mouthing him to anyone...I figure if I do nothing and say nothing he can't blame me for causing problems....I am taking the high road.
I just feel so hurt and used...not sure if I should talk to him or not!! H has been friendlier this week....maybe b/c he did this and is laughing that I don't know. H told me he would tell me when he filed....should I wait for him to tell me or ask him?? I do think we also need to talk about R/M... how can you end it w/o a conversation?? We are not in highschool...this is a family!!!
To talk or not to talk?????? advice??????
oh, H went to L on 2/19....2 days after he was fired from his job b/c of OW...just got new job on Monday...wasted no time did he!
do think we also need to talk about R/M... how can you end it w/o a conversation??
BUT...
It is on hiatus, and really, your old marriage is dead--even if it was a good one. You can grow into a better marriage through this journey.
the first job (you can do it vene if it is difficult) is to discard that negativity about how can it be over. It's not. Beleive in that.
If you actually want to end your marriage...then have a relationship talk with him. This will be contrued as pressure and pursuit and he will continue to retreat. Right now your goal isn't even to get him to stop retreating...cause he's going to go deeper into this crisis whether you like it or not.
So let him. And while he is doing that, you will be doing your thing. You need to focus on yourself and find you own inner stregnth and peace...so he has someone strong to return to when it is time.
HUGS,
RCR
I am totally stressing today...H never came yesterday to give me a check for the bills...never even called. I am 100% positive that he has filed...I wish he would tell me...the anxiety of waiting for the papers to come is unnerving!!
Went out with a friend for dinner tonight and why is it when you are M you never notice how many couples there are and when your in our sitch it seems like everyone around you is happy with their BF/GF and your life seems hopeless??
Someone tell me to STOP checking his acct...more $$ dep yesterday...where is he getting it??? Why should it matter???
MO2G, stop! Does that help? Probably not.
You are trapped in focusing on him and you need to stop. As my DB coach Chuck said, I need to do something for myself. Get a hobby, take dancing lessons, take a mini-vacation somewhere you have always wanted to go, something that is not a negative outlet to start something new that is YOU!
I know what you are going through. My W has left so many areas easily traceable and viewable not to mention I used to drive by her EA place to see if she was there. I also drove by a couple of times at the coworkers house she is staying at (not an OP). When I asked my W what she needed from me and she replied complete and total separation, I decided then and there I would stop checking on her in all areas. This has been difficult because she bought a new car, set up accounts with our insurance company, uses a cell phone I pay for on my account (I can retrieve text messages any time since the account belongs to me) and so other areas, if I WANT to. I could've been a private investigator with the number of ways I could track her. But it serves no purpose. It hurts me more than her. This is hurting you and your daughters. Let it go.
You cannot do anything about him. Consider him a lost cause for now because he is. If he comes back later after you have had a chance to work on building yourself back up to who you should be, then great. He will be even luckier than he was before he left. At the same time, you will have a better marriage because you won't need him, it will because you want him. Big difference.
Stay strong. Find a positive distraction. Avoid destructive outlets or behaviors at all costs. You can do it. Do it for your self and your children.
Mom,
Like your H mine is 'shacked' up with a much younger woman. He is 42 next week and she was 26 in Feb. She is also a foreign national, doesn't work etc etc. They have been together about 15 months and have been engaged nearly a year! We have not even started D proceedings as I type! So I know totally where you are coming from.
My kids are all teenagers (or nearly)and it has been very hard on them b/c they know all the implications of this. If your's are still little at least you can spare them the 'gory' details. Mine asked the questions for themselves.
As I said yesterday, stop checking his account it only causes you more distress. Follow to the letter the advise RCR has given you she is very good at it!
I also know what you mean about seeing other 'couples' together. There have been several times in public when I have broken down in tears due to just this scenario. It does get better I promise.
I am unable to give you any advice about D b/c as I said my H and I are not there yet. My H does keep threatening it though and I found fairly quickly that the way to perpetuate these threats was to beg, plead be bitchy etc. Now I just tell him that he has to do whatever his conscience will him to do. I'm pretty sure he will file eventually (probably when we have been separated 2 years)but I will definately be contesting it and with any luck the court will make him wait until we have been separated 5 years. After that he can D me without my consent. Originally he wanted me to D him for adultery but I refused even though I was well within my rights. This made him extremely angry but I was determined not to give in to his demands. I have my pride and principles and 'til death do us part is a very strong one for me.
(((((((((Hugs))))))))))
I want to add that you have every right to know what is going on in his life, even now but the dynamics have changed. You need to ask yourself each time you want to do something, anything that you normally took for granted before, "is this something that is good for me. Will it cause damage to myself, my children, my husband or anyone else?" If the answer is yes, DON'T DO IT!!
There is no justification for doing something that is wrong. You will mistakes but forgive yourself and move on. Don't lie to yourself. Choose what is right, every time. You then can look back with the knowledge you took the high road. Nice guys/girls may finish last but they finish with style, grace, character and are happy with the way they ran the race. You never hear about that side of that overused phrase. People who finish first but hurt people along the way are unhappy people. People who hurt others are hurting inside.
If you have to get angry about your sitch, go ahead! Make it a righteous anger. Do it in private but get angry. Get angry about what is happening. Get angry that you let yourself be controlled this way. And then forgive yourself, your husband, the OW, anyone that you hold anger toward.
You know what I am still pissed off at? Worldly influences. I don't know your spiritual background but I believe that I can choose to listen to God and what He clearly tells us will give us joy as opposed to listen to those who are against Him and having joy. Don't allow this to happen to you.
We are here for you so keep allowing all the negative stuff to be posted here. Keep it from your girls. Keep it from your friends. Keep it from your H and the OW. Share it with your C and with your spiritual advisor. If you don't have a spiritual advisor, find one that stands for marriage and the DB techniques. Call one of the DB coaches. They are great.
Sorry for going on so long but I can see you are hurting and you have plenty of company here who cares about you and your daughters. Hang in there!
P.S.Do not allow this sitch, as difficult and horrible that it is, to steal your joy. Standing for your marriage also means standing for yourself. God does not want you to take all this onto yourself. Give it and all the pain to Him. Look at your daughters faces and you will see Him there. That is what I do. I look at my kids faces and the pain subsides. And, yes, I see their mom's face their but it gives me comfort because I see the woman she was, not who she has become.
You are loved. Never forget that.
MMF
Take a very deep breathe and another one.....You will be fine.
Now since you really aren't sure where the check is and for whom don't over analyze it. Take a break from the madness...if only to go out with those girls and boys of yours.
You can sit all day and analyze and analyze and still nothing.
Some of them do go to a lawyer but never file.. never proceed...
Some have been in divorce mode for 2 years and still nothing.If it comes you have a lawyer. If you want to proceed with the D go ahead it's your choice, however if you don't want a D go to your lawyer and tell him so.. that you will not help in any way so H can get his D. And it's him that wants it and you should do absolutely nothing to help him only do what you need to do for yourself. If you don't want a divorce tell the judge or his lawyer that.. NOTHING. Absolutely nothing for him!
Protect yourself. Protect your finances. Make sure that he is not draining bank acounts, taking big sums of money and showing nothing for it...Use only one credit card if you have to. Otherwise protect yourself by taking your name off the account.
Remove you name from all bills regarding the house. You will need to protect your self. I know you don't want to hear these things but we are only looking out for you, we are your friends that will help and guide you thru this nightmare. We have been before you and know more. Take advise or don't that is your choice. You might need to see a therapist and get Ad meds. Just hitch up your bootstraps and move, the sooner you get a life make your own decsions and protect yourself you WILL feel better.
One more thing.... don't talk to him right now about anything regarding marriage or relationships etc to him. NEVER mention the other person
you will be giving them power...the op..
You will be okay one day, your just not okay today... saying that to yourself helps alot. Hope that I helped and didn't scare you always feel free to post here....ITSY
Consider what happens if you want to be on high road, but tell him you know all about his stupid behavior, OW, and have been talking to your own L.
Here is what it will look like. Remember those drills in school from the 60's. The ones in black and white movies where the kids all get on the floor with their heads between their knees as the bit shiny mushroom cloud gets bigger and bigger?
Do not play all your cards.
Give him rope. Give him a chance to fess up. Give him time to think about what he is considering doing. Hey, what if you find out it was for a surprise in the family and not a used car for OW, or her new boobs? He may not be filing. He needs to be the one to step up to telling you what is up.
Do you normally see a printed bank statement, how often, when is next one due? How long can you pretend all is ok? The more ok you make things seem, the harder it should be for him to make any move. He is not the guy you M and he is not himself. He is addicted now to something he can't control. An A with younger OW at a time in life when a man is feeling like he has one foot in the grave is horrible. He will destroy all he loves in the illusion that he is falling head over heals in love with someone else.
Give yourself some time to be the silent observer. Stay on the high road and you will never have any regret. If you decide you have to discuss M, you may find it impossible to control emotions and then before you know it, head between the knees time.
Take a great deal of time to read the posts here, contact Jack3Beans. Understand that at some point he was strong enough to take a stand, and stop the initial acts of begging. If you talk, be calm, in control, in the driver's seat. Be the one to calmly say you believe the M to be worth saving and standing for. Be ready to say if he wants out, he must do his own leg work. You will not fight him, but will not help him.
He should know that whatever he is going through is not worth ending the M, and will statistically fail him in the end. If he is considering ending his second M, he has no idea how few third M work. He will not respond to such logical talks, if he is focused on having this OW.
If your M is going to be in trouble, talking to him about it is not likely to alter anything. Do not be too quick to do it.
Thank you to all..I couldn't do this without all of you who understand what I am going through! My mom who is my biggest support just told me yesterday that she hopes this is over soon and I get served...WTF...I know she did not say it to hurt me...I just think she sees the toll this is taking on me and the kids.
I also found out (not by snooping!!) that OW has 2 kids. I wish he wasn't talking so much about OW!! UGh I guess it is jealousy on my part...how can H act like he is not married? H is undependable even when it comes to his own children...how is he going to take care of someone elses...
I am in a rut....I hate feeling this way. I had a pit in my stomach from the minute I woke up this morning!
You are right about your mom. She loves you and cannot stand seeing you hurting this way and believes that you will be better much faster if the plug is pulled on your marriage. It depends upon what you really want from this mo2g. Do you want to continue standing up until a point? If so, sit down and really talk to your mom and see if she can support you in standing. If she can't because of the pain it causes her, you may need to filter what you say to her, for her and your protection. It is difficult enough to stay on the path you have chosen without people you love confusing you because giving up can be so enticing and the support for doing that is provided by so many people out there because marriage is disposable in today's society.
Keep praying and let us know what happens.
In the beginning my mom was supportive about my DBing...she thinks H has gone to far to turn around now. H is really being jerky, with holding money and hasn't called in 3 days to talk to D4 or check on the baby.
I know my parents support me no matter what...in the end I may not want H...I just can't seem to let go of the fact he wouldn't give this some kind of try! H is way to into OW...
Mo2G....yup H wont want to give your M a try...its MLC.....I went thru the same thing a year ago.....couldnt fathom why my H would walk away from 25 yrs together with an OW who is 1/2 his age. All this advice his good...we all have been there....welcome to the worlds crappiest club none of us wanted to join!
My H is sooooo deep into replay with his OW.....made me sick til I had to let go.....he is gonna do what he is gonna do.....I have no control over him....BUT I do have control over ME. I got up off the floor and decided to not let life pass me by. I have taken a dif stance than many others....I call it neutral....standing or not standing....not really either one. It has worked for me. It leaves me open to enjoy life.
I was out all day today and came home to my stepsons beds missing and their room a disaster...and the big screen tv gone. H told me a few weeks ago that he was going to take these things but gave me no notice...Also did not leave a check for me to pay bills!! I was going to call him but decided against it b/c he is with OW and when he is he talks to me like I am the worst person in the world and I don't deserve that !!
Hasn't called to check on the kids in 3 days!!
I am so mad and aggravated and frustrated...I feel like none of this is fair and I have no control at all over it!!
Can you legally rekey the locks? I was told I couldn't as long as his name was also on the house. What can you legally do if you are not separated or divorced?
I can't change the locks!! H is still 1/2 owner of the house and pays 1/2 the mortgage...well no $$ this week!
I haven't filed any papers...I think he has but nothing is legal right now.
I think I will call him tomorrow and tell him he can no longer come into the house if I am not here.
start with that....have YOU talked with a lawyer??? You should
yes I have talked to an L...I think H filed so as soon as I get served I will meet w/ him again
I have such a pit in my stomach today...my nerves are shot!
Try not to worry too much, although I do understand that you are....
Thinking of you.....take care...go do something and set your mind on something else for a little while !!
mo2g.....take a deep breath....you will get thru this.....it doesnt seem like it now honey. Tell your L for all point and purposes he ransacked your house and is leaving you with no money. That may change things a little.
yes some of these idiots think D is only way to go...mine being one of them. Calm down, its just a piece of paper sweetie. Once you have done that...do something for you to calm you down and make you feel better.
You have a long road ahead of you I am sorry to say. But trust me you dont want to be on the same road as your H....your road will will be much more peaceful and full of grwoth. His will be tumultuous, painful and stagnant.
Start to think of your girls...you have to be strong for them. They need a mom who is there for them. What fun they can be for you.
Hey mom!
I hope today is a little better for you. I think your getting good advice about your mom. Talk to her and let her know what you want. Of course, this means you need to be clear about that in your own head. I don't mean the superficial "I want him back" stuff. As hard as it is, you really need to discover what kind of life you want for yourself and how you plan on getting there. One upside of doing this (besides the obvious), is it takes alot of energy, so you have less to focus on him.
Then talk to your mom and see what you need to do there.
I really hope you're feeling better today.
mom, your mom sounds like mine. She think that my H has gone too far and she is so cynical of him that it does make you think there is no turning back so don't tell her every little detail with your interactions and him. She is trying to protect you and she doesn't want to see you hurt but you can set boundaries with her too. I've had to with mine.
Keep your chin up.
Mom,
Your sitch sounds a lot like mine! I came yesterday from a weekend at my parents house to find out my H was in our house also. He took some workout equipment, our old kitchen table and a set of shelves in the garage.
I wish I could change the locks in my house but I have to wait until papers are signed, even if they a LS papers. My H filed for D and I just recently counter-claimed his grounds to my own. I am expecting him to hear from his L this week regarding that. My H is also one to be short coming on money for me.
I can also always tell when my H is with the ow because he is mean to me on the phone. When ow is not around he is more pleasant.
((((hugs)))))
IT IS GETTING WORSE!! H changed the credit card number and has racked up a 3600.00 bill!! There was a zero balance!! H paid for his lawyer on it!!
I realized we hadn't rec'd a statement in awhile and called and found out what happened!
Does anyone know if I am going to be held responsible for this debt??
I have done nothing, absolutely nothing to play games!! I can't believe he is doing this!!
Do I confront him? I left message for my L to call me asap!! Also told me he was not taking the kids tomorrow night b/c he has a work meeting....he lied again...H has baseball tryouts...I can't believe he is soooooo deceitful and spiteful!!!!
mom
Very sorry to hear what he is doing. Don't know about the state you are in, but I expect it is no different than my own.
In my state, ANY debt created by either of you while M, is halfseeeees. Can't get away from it, until in some states you file a legal sep. from debt, etc.
No sep in my state ... but we sure do have fast track to D.
All too often the WAS feels no remorse about spending what they consider 50/50 resources or debt on a D that they believe you should share the cost of. Your L should be able to answer in detail, as well as how to get some control over this.
He does not intend to lie, he just can't stand feeling forced to be honest. He sees them as two different issues. Guilt about being a selfish self centered MLC "wannabe young"ster prevents them from honestly answering anything requiring an uncomfortable answer. They lie rather than explain themselves. This is their time .... all about me world ... not going to answer to anyone.
But ... it is not intended to hurt you ... just to rebel the same way a two year old would.
No mom ... I don't want to be good ... I want to be sneaky and bad!!!!!
I am waiting to hear from my L...I hope I am not going to be held responsible for his credit charges...I printed out all the transactions and many I can prove had to do with him. Our acct had a 0 balance when he left...My L has recorded date of him leaving.
I can't believe he changed the acct number I find that very sneaky!
H also has a shark of a L firm representing him...Hopefully it won't matter b/c I have done nothing wrong!!! I still have done everything right! I was told not to change or remove his name from anything and I haven't...he goes and does it and is having a A...hopefully this will all make a difference and be in my favor.
I am so scared right now...losing my house, being in financial debt that I did not accrue.
H is a spender!! thinks nothing of throwing it on a card. The card he is using has a huge line of credit!! H can have it...just get my name off~~~ He has to do it and I don't want to say anything until I contact L...get his advice.
My insides are shaking unbelieveably today!!
I am so scared right now...losing my house, being in financial debt that I did not accrue.
Sweetie, can you take a minute and just breathe.
One thing at a time. Has your L called you back yet?
I am going to tell you what I told Half missing. You can not think of this man, as your H.
Your H would not be doing all this sneaky stuff.
YOur H has been captured in the mother ship. His body is here, but not his soul.
I am sorry you are going thru this. Come here to vent, please do not contact your H about all this. Just wait to hear from your L.
mom,
I am so sorry. You are going through the financial mess I have been so afraid of. Please let us know everything your L says. I hope everything works out ok for you!
Do you have family that can help you out if you need it?
I did hear from L and he calmed me WAY DOWN...he told me I will not be responsible for the debt H is accruing right now...He said he would make sure we fight for the house for the sake of the kids and he will push for a 60/40 split of debt b/c of A.
Basically he said we will start with the moon and negotiate from there.
L also said not to worry about H's L being a shark..no big deal...As of today my H hasn't filed, or at least the paperwork isn't processed yet...My L is going to check all week and as soon as they are filed he will contact H's L and have the papers served to him (my L) He said I don't need the emotional crap of being served with my children around...VERY NICE I thought!
I just can't believe this is all happening!
I have a wonderful family support system...I think I am wearing my mom and dad out...they come over almost daily to help me take care of the kids!
I also have wonderful friends..and of course all of you are so supportive!! It really helps to talk to people who are living this!! I have no D's among my friends or family!!
My parents don't live nearby, but they call daily and have visited a few times. They are going to come visit when the kids are on spring break so we can still show the kids a good time. I think I am wearing my mom and dad out too, but they always say "That's why we are here."
What fools these aliens are to leave great wives like us!!!!!
Glad to hear of your good news. Now you can breathe a liitle better I hope. I doubt you're wearing your folks out. Trust them to let you know or if your really concerned ask. Wouldn't you do the same for one of your kids?
I would caution you not to compare your life (D or no D) to others. I used to work with a woman who had come through Cambodia in the 1970's. She lost everyone and everything (she had been a judge). Once she got here she went to school to become a C. I asked her once how she would be able to help people with (comparatively) mundane problems given her life. Her response......you can't compare tears.
So, no compairing just take it moment by moment, step by step. You'll be amazed at who you become.
Doing ok today...really want info on OW...my L said the more I have the better it is for my case...
I really am trying hard to deal with H as a business associate...had to call him this morning because I did not want him to take D's tonight...I have to go to a dance costume fitting and my D broke her glasses yesterday and I need to get them fixed. Probably won't be home until about 7. H said he would p/u at 7 and keep overnight and drop off at 6:40 AM...thanks for the help! Anyway I think that is too late and too early to get the baby up and out...she goes to bed by 6:45. He will spend no time with her at all!!
H should be taking them Thurs night...he won't (I bet) b/c he is taking them tonight...I am not going to say anything and then if he doesn't show I am going to call to see where he is!!
I am so mad at him and the other part of me want to ask him to really think about what is going on...
UGH...a guess I am a little stressed today...any ideas how to get info on OW??
OW search--You can start by doing a google search, then see if your lawyer can do this. If not, then a PI.
I did this over a year ago but it can be expensive.
What about the online people finder things?? you pay 24.95 and get basic info...anyone done that??
If you have a phone number you can do a reverse lookup at anywho.com. That is how I (think) I found out the name of the OOW in my sitch.
I have her name..at least what I think per people that know her from H's work...that is all I have...I would like her b-day, address, phone etc...
Obviously I am not very sneaky or I would have done this 3 months ago!
mom
If your L thinks finding dirt on OW would help your filing, you need to be careful. Snooping and becoming obsessed with OP risks bringing you down from the high road.
Consider calling a private individual that specializes in such stuff. They already know which cheap internet search tactic works and which ones don't. They also have made contacts in information based places you have no access. Let them give you an explanation of what they do, and charge. Decide if you can afford to turn this over to one of them and step away from it.
It would even be nice if they said I have your dirty details and you could say give them to my L. It probably wouldn't work that way, but it would leave fewer long term mental scars for you. The more investigating you do on your own, the more negative your memories are going to become.
Think twice, step once, think twice again. Take care
My L is looking for proof of OW...I have her name but need her b-day...I really don't want to involve a PI...way too expensive....not worth it in the end.
You are right about taking the high road...I haven't done anything wrong at all..not even snooping b/c I know what I find out will not be the entire story and only fuel my madness!!
I am going through bills and H is charging up a storm...he has changed the address on the credit cards so the bill goes to his mothers instead of to me. Talk about being sneaky!
I'm bumping this up for "momof2girls".