Wife in crisis - 03/01/24 10:54 PM
Hi all,
I find myself in a situation which I would not have dreamed of ever being in. And which I have no idea how to get out of; or which course of action to really take.
This is going to be a somewhat longish write-up, and I would really value some perspectives from the community. In particular, I am looking for advice from some of the women on here that went through a midlife crisis (I believe that my wife is in one), and strategies that may work in supporting her while ensuring that the family does not suffer. I will write a brief background and am happy to expand on this.
Background
We started dating in 2012, with her always having been an independent and lively spirit. She could light up the room that she walked in, which drew me to her initially. Even back then, she hinted at issues with her parents as well as having done a lot to build herself up for a career, yet always just missing the opportunity to get to the level where she felt she should be. She was also quite clear that she did not want to be a mother and would want a nanny to support. I had always looked for an equal partner rather than someone who would take a step back, and thought that we would get support if we economically could.
We moved to her home country in 2013 and had our son in 2016. After having stayed home for a while, she took up a job again. Yet given my work, she did the drop-offs and pick-ups from nursery more often than me. At the age of two, our drama started with our son turning out to be severely epileptic - a hugely traumatic journey for both of us, with the fits luckily becoming under control after about a year. However, our son remained on heavy antiepileptics and she did not work for an extended period (I was so terrified that I slept in his room for 18 months and took a long time to move out).
While the fits stopped, our son (whom we had thought "normal" until then) completely shut down, could no longer speak, concentrate or give his attention. At the same time, my wife got pregnant with our daughter, who was born in early 2020. By this time, we understood that our son was on the autism spectrum (and has other issues), which led to her stopping work again after having restarted. During the pandemic, we moved to my home country for a while, where we lived well (we had agreed to not look at the money). However, she felt very isolated being an extrovert forced to live at a distance during the pandemic. She tried several times to set up different business ideas over the years, but never followed through. Something her parents tell me characterises her life - being full of energy and ideas, but somehow not being able to then stick to something and see it through. Which she sees differently, but there is something to this.
Post the pandemic, we moved back to London for schooling reasons - while she was initially pushing for it, she broke down in tears and had second thoughts towards the d-date. When I then took a stand and said we are going to do it. After having tried to buy a lot of properties (including in my country), we then bought a period property outside London. Her dream house in terms of the type of property, but not in an ideal location for her given her need for stimulus (e.g. theatre, art); and logistically turning out to be difficult. It is, however, a house which is difficult to sell for even close to the price that we paid. Which highlights that she has stepped out of reality.
Over the past 12 months, we had increasing friction - more fighting, and she had moved to sleep in a different room. Which I did not put much attention on, as she did not like our matress and we had slept apart for extended periods because of our kids in anyway. She had her own studio in the house to do art, and I did step up my efforts significantly to take on a lot of childcare (I have always done a good amount, but friends and family started telling me that I am like a working mum). During our summer holidays, one of my friends whom she had spoken to told me to be careful with my relationship - I discarded this but I should have listened.
D-day
One evening after having put the kids to bed, I went down and found her sitting in the front livingroom. I asked her if she had some time for me, wanting to have sex. We had a row during which she told asked me something she had asked me before "what do you actually want from life, what do you want to do with yourself" - which I had not taken as a serious question, but I now understand was important to her. She then told me she did not want to be with me, and left the house in tears. The next morning I tried hugging her thinking this had just been an outburst (she had let me hug her the nigh before), but she pushed me away asking if I had not been listening.
Speaking to her over the coming days, I told her how important she was to me and that I would do everything - she told me that she had walked down a long road and that she was now in "listening mode". That it might be to late. Then stuff such as "I would not be able to keep up with her". A couple of days later she told me that she thought we were done.
This took the legs out from under me. While I now recognise that there had been signs, this was completely unexpected. I fell into a real hole and pretty much immediately got therapy. The next 2 months were agony, with my mind trapped in negative emotional cycles of what she was doing (e.g. noticing she started wearing all the lingerie she had never put on) etc. However, I also realised that I had been deeply ground down during the pandemic, having been trapped in a mundanity of work and childcare. And never taking time to take care of myself, which she had repeatedly urged me to do. This is something that has bothered her and which I did not address beforehand, similarly to not consistently taking care of my looks and taking her hints of going somewhere without the kids.
My pivot
She started not just withdrawing from me, but also from the children. Given that our eldest is special needs and we have got complex logistics, I stepped up even more:
- at least half of the logistics (next to a demanding full-time job)
- breakfast every morning (she sleeps in - I suspect depression-linked, more later)
- bedtime almost every evening (even when at the office, I try to come home on time)
- at least one and mostly both days on the week-ends taking the kids out and doing fun things (I actually got told off the first time I took them to the theatre "why to you all of a sudden to this")
- I sit with my son every evening to teach him to read
- I stay over one night a week with both kids so that she has almost two full days free
- I do a tremendous amount of the household (albeit she has in the last two weeks picked up a bit more again)
I have also started doing more for myself, finding time in the evenings to do sports at least twice a week. Which has always kept me zen and works its parts in feeling (and looking) good.
I have done lots of reading and listening to learn about relationships and the psychology and experiences of people in MLC or depression. This slowly helped me to let go. While this is not what I want, I have given her much more space, stopped talking about the relationship and taken a lot of stress of her.
Her situation
She is in her early 40s, has been unhappy for a long time (not being able to work, having to stay at home and giving up her career) and in retrospect must have been so pent up with frustration that she was like a volcano waiting to blow up. She is caught in a negative cycle of having made wrong decisions in her past (she should never have had children, she should have walked away 8 years ago etc) and gives me a lot of blame for her misery (I never did enough, I do not earn enough, I am the most boring person on earth).
She has no income of her own; no assets; has been spending significantly more than she can afford to (more now, but this has happened before), sitting on credit card debt that she cannot clear (more on this below).
The one constant at the moment is that she is done with me and does not want to try to reconnect (she told me over dinner in January that she thought we could try and build a bridge, but was not even sure if we were at the same river; and around 4 weeks back told me that she has no interest in trying to reconnect). However, she did go skiing with me for 5 days, but kept her distance and slept in a separate room. The challenge in this is that our life is so intertwined that we cannot separate (which she recognises as well):
- We bought the house (she now blames me for this, like for everything) that we cannot get rid of without a big loss
- She has no income, and we would struggle to afford two places (this house is too big to maintain as a single person)
- Logistics are a nightmare, and a shared parental arrangement will not work
- We need to think of the children, in particular the older one where schooling is difficult
She tells me that "we stopped growing together", which I am pretty sure she read in some of her books or heard in a podcast. She has taken great care for me to not see her naked for the past 4 months. However, she does initiate a lot of conversation with me on different topics.
She flipflops between long-term planning (she told me yesterday that we need to make a five year plan and move somewhere more interesting for her again), moving to a City she has been to for one week-end because she liked it, and then telling me that she needs to leave this place because she cannot take it anymore.
She does not want to work again in a corporate (this changes on- and off) and not below a certain salary that she feels she deserves. She is trying to establish herself as an independent and also considering academia / being an artist, but is frustrated at how slow this is and recognises that this may bring her more income.
I get told off for trying to "fix things" (I have always done this and she hates it she now tells me), yet she hinted at her debt situation several times (which I did not respond to) and now asked me if I can take out a loan to help as she cannot clear it on her own.
I do not think that she is in an affair; and I would not have thought that she is the person for this, although I fail to recognise who she has become on occasion. She has been verbally abusive to me a couple of times (telling me she is entitled to this) and cannot cope with having the children on her own the couple of days a week that I have to go to the office. She did try and do some exercise first thing in the morning for a while, but now mostly sleeps in and tells me she has difficulty sleeping.
She has taken to doing therapy which I asked her to and she agreed - she had depression before and recognises that this is an issue. I am not sure how open she is, and if she has found a therapist who is good enough to draw her out.
What do I want
I would like to ideally save my relationship, recognising that this is out of my control at the moment. My priority is my children and keeping them from a negative impact out of this; if she cannot cope at some point, I am willing to take them (which I am not sure she really wants, despite having withdrawn to a significant extent).
I believe that she needs to find a purpose in her life and I am trying to help without pushing her. Yet it is difficult seeing how far I go in this - she does need some realisation that she cannot want out on one hand but expect me to be exactly the same as before when things do not go as planned.
I am willing to give this real time. I would appreciate any thoughts and reflections on my situation, including what I could try (if anything additional) to help her; and potentially try to reconnect.
I find myself in a situation which I would not have dreamed of ever being in. And which I have no idea how to get out of; or which course of action to really take.
This is going to be a somewhat longish write-up, and I would really value some perspectives from the community. In particular, I am looking for advice from some of the women on here that went through a midlife crisis (I believe that my wife is in one), and strategies that may work in supporting her while ensuring that the family does not suffer. I will write a brief background and am happy to expand on this.
Background
We started dating in 2012, with her always having been an independent and lively spirit. She could light up the room that she walked in, which drew me to her initially. Even back then, she hinted at issues with her parents as well as having done a lot to build herself up for a career, yet always just missing the opportunity to get to the level where she felt she should be. She was also quite clear that she did not want to be a mother and would want a nanny to support. I had always looked for an equal partner rather than someone who would take a step back, and thought that we would get support if we economically could.
We moved to her home country in 2013 and had our son in 2016. After having stayed home for a while, she took up a job again. Yet given my work, she did the drop-offs and pick-ups from nursery more often than me. At the age of two, our drama started with our son turning out to be severely epileptic - a hugely traumatic journey for both of us, with the fits luckily becoming under control after about a year. However, our son remained on heavy antiepileptics and she did not work for an extended period (I was so terrified that I slept in his room for 18 months and took a long time to move out).
While the fits stopped, our son (whom we had thought "normal" until then) completely shut down, could no longer speak, concentrate or give his attention. At the same time, my wife got pregnant with our daughter, who was born in early 2020. By this time, we understood that our son was on the autism spectrum (and has other issues), which led to her stopping work again after having restarted. During the pandemic, we moved to my home country for a while, where we lived well (we had agreed to not look at the money). However, she felt very isolated being an extrovert forced to live at a distance during the pandemic. She tried several times to set up different business ideas over the years, but never followed through. Something her parents tell me characterises her life - being full of energy and ideas, but somehow not being able to then stick to something and see it through. Which she sees differently, but there is something to this.
Post the pandemic, we moved back to London for schooling reasons - while she was initially pushing for it, she broke down in tears and had second thoughts towards the d-date. When I then took a stand and said we are going to do it. After having tried to buy a lot of properties (including in my country), we then bought a period property outside London. Her dream house in terms of the type of property, but not in an ideal location for her given her need for stimulus (e.g. theatre, art); and logistically turning out to be difficult. It is, however, a house which is difficult to sell for even close to the price that we paid. Which highlights that she has stepped out of reality.
Over the past 12 months, we had increasing friction - more fighting, and she had moved to sleep in a different room. Which I did not put much attention on, as she did not like our matress and we had slept apart for extended periods because of our kids in anyway. She had her own studio in the house to do art, and I did step up my efforts significantly to take on a lot of childcare (I have always done a good amount, but friends and family started telling me that I am like a working mum). During our summer holidays, one of my friends whom she had spoken to told me to be careful with my relationship - I discarded this but I should have listened.
D-day
One evening after having put the kids to bed, I went down and found her sitting in the front livingroom. I asked her if she had some time for me, wanting to have sex. We had a row during which she told asked me something she had asked me before "what do you actually want from life, what do you want to do with yourself" - which I had not taken as a serious question, but I now understand was important to her. She then told me she did not want to be with me, and left the house in tears. The next morning I tried hugging her thinking this had just been an outburst (she had let me hug her the nigh before), but she pushed me away asking if I had not been listening.
Speaking to her over the coming days, I told her how important she was to me and that I would do everything - she told me that she had walked down a long road and that she was now in "listening mode". That it might be to late. Then stuff such as "I would not be able to keep up with her". A couple of days later she told me that she thought we were done.
This took the legs out from under me. While I now recognise that there had been signs, this was completely unexpected. I fell into a real hole and pretty much immediately got therapy. The next 2 months were agony, with my mind trapped in negative emotional cycles of what she was doing (e.g. noticing she started wearing all the lingerie she had never put on) etc. However, I also realised that I had been deeply ground down during the pandemic, having been trapped in a mundanity of work and childcare. And never taking time to take care of myself, which she had repeatedly urged me to do. This is something that has bothered her and which I did not address beforehand, similarly to not consistently taking care of my looks and taking her hints of going somewhere without the kids.
My pivot
She started not just withdrawing from me, but also from the children. Given that our eldest is special needs and we have got complex logistics, I stepped up even more:
- at least half of the logistics (next to a demanding full-time job)
- breakfast every morning (she sleeps in - I suspect depression-linked, more later)
- bedtime almost every evening (even when at the office, I try to come home on time)
- at least one and mostly both days on the week-ends taking the kids out and doing fun things (I actually got told off the first time I took them to the theatre "why to you all of a sudden to this")
- I sit with my son every evening to teach him to read
- I stay over one night a week with both kids so that she has almost two full days free
- I do a tremendous amount of the household (albeit she has in the last two weeks picked up a bit more again)
I have also started doing more for myself, finding time in the evenings to do sports at least twice a week. Which has always kept me zen and works its parts in feeling (and looking) good.
I have done lots of reading and listening to learn about relationships and the psychology and experiences of people in MLC or depression. This slowly helped me to let go. While this is not what I want, I have given her much more space, stopped talking about the relationship and taken a lot of stress of her.
Her situation
She is in her early 40s, has been unhappy for a long time (not being able to work, having to stay at home and giving up her career) and in retrospect must have been so pent up with frustration that she was like a volcano waiting to blow up. She is caught in a negative cycle of having made wrong decisions in her past (she should never have had children, she should have walked away 8 years ago etc) and gives me a lot of blame for her misery (I never did enough, I do not earn enough, I am the most boring person on earth).
She has no income of her own; no assets; has been spending significantly more than she can afford to (more now, but this has happened before), sitting on credit card debt that she cannot clear (more on this below).
The one constant at the moment is that she is done with me and does not want to try to reconnect (she told me over dinner in January that she thought we could try and build a bridge, but was not even sure if we were at the same river; and around 4 weeks back told me that she has no interest in trying to reconnect). However, she did go skiing with me for 5 days, but kept her distance and slept in a separate room. The challenge in this is that our life is so intertwined that we cannot separate (which she recognises as well):
- We bought the house (she now blames me for this, like for everything) that we cannot get rid of without a big loss
- She has no income, and we would struggle to afford two places (this house is too big to maintain as a single person)
- Logistics are a nightmare, and a shared parental arrangement will not work
- We need to think of the children, in particular the older one where schooling is difficult
She tells me that "we stopped growing together", which I am pretty sure she read in some of her books or heard in a podcast. She has taken great care for me to not see her naked for the past 4 months. However, she does initiate a lot of conversation with me on different topics.
She flipflops between long-term planning (she told me yesterday that we need to make a five year plan and move somewhere more interesting for her again), moving to a City she has been to for one week-end because she liked it, and then telling me that she needs to leave this place because she cannot take it anymore.
She does not want to work again in a corporate (this changes on- and off) and not below a certain salary that she feels she deserves. She is trying to establish herself as an independent and also considering academia / being an artist, but is frustrated at how slow this is and recognises that this may bring her more income.
I get told off for trying to "fix things" (I have always done this and she hates it she now tells me), yet she hinted at her debt situation several times (which I did not respond to) and now asked me if I can take out a loan to help as she cannot clear it on her own.
I do not think that she is in an affair; and I would not have thought that she is the person for this, although I fail to recognise who she has become on occasion. She has been verbally abusive to me a couple of times (telling me she is entitled to this) and cannot cope with having the children on her own the couple of days a week that I have to go to the office. She did try and do some exercise first thing in the morning for a while, but now mostly sleeps in and tells me she has difficulty sleeping.
She has taken to doing therapy which I asked her to and she agreed - she had depression before and recognises that this is an issue. I am not sure how open she is, and if she has found a therapist who is good enough to draw her out.
What do I want
I would like to ideally save my relationship, recognising that this is out of my control at the moment. My priority is my children and keeping them from a negative impact out of this; if she cannot cope at some point, I am willing to take them (which I am not sure she really wants, despite having withdrawn to a significant extent).
I believe that she needs to find a purpose in her life and I am trying to help without pushing her. Yet it is difficult seeing how far I go in this - she does need some realisation that she cannot want out on one hand but expect me to be exactly the same as before when things do not go as planned.
I am willing to give this real time. I would appreciate any thoughts and reflections on my situation, including what I could try (if anything additional) to help her; and potentially try to reconnect.