WAW says... part 2 - DivorceBusting.com

part 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2840022#Post2840022

overrnbw, she told me that she threw them away. W got advice from someone that doing this paperwork herself was an impossible task. She was recommended to a lawyer/mediator that she wants us both to see separately. I suggested a mediator initially, and prefer this setup. I think it will give me more time for DBing too.

She's changed her mind about getting an airbnb, and now wants to stay with a friend until I leave the house. I'm very happy that we won't have to spend that money.

W just made a bunch of excuses to check me out while I was changing. I had just lifted, and felt super good about myself. I could see the look on her face, and while she didn't say anything outwardly, she kept coming back in to ask inane unimportant questions, "what does this notification on my phone mean?"

I know it has no bearing on our relationship, but damn did it feel good to be looked at like that.

Jamine.. this is quite a development and I am not at all surprised at your Wife's behavior. These are similar qualities exhibited by Wayward / WalkAways. The indecisiveness and borderline personality traits (Not that your wife is mentally ill) are common behavioral traits during these situations.
My ex behaved very similar and exhibited very much similar personality traits like what your wife is doing. Let me repeat it. I have experienced it before. This is just a tough phase you are going through. Its heart wrenching but it will pass! You just have to be strong.
I have a feeling when your wife used the word 'platonic' she is thinking that marriage is all beds and roses. Somehow she feels your sexual life is not as good as you think it is! She may have not been expressing those feelings to you and she is of "The grass is greener on the other side" mindset! Let her leave you and explore. She has to commit mistakes before she realizes the importance of you. So be it and let her go!
Regarding the divorce papers. Be thorough with your review. You don't need to hurry and at the same time do not delay on purpose. Most of these threatening folks comes from their insecurities. You are not responsible for that. What you are responsible is safeguarding your interests. From now on, I don't think hugging and being close, niceties should be entertained. They need to be put to back burner and you should start taking responsibilities for your future and safeguard your future without your wife. You need to man up and prepare as if you are kinda divorced. That does not mean you ill-treat her or speak to her arrogantly. You can be nice to her and still take care of your things as a man would do.
I am amazed the extent to which she is taking full advantage of you and making you dance on your toes. This is how these people are and trust me I went through this phase. Again don't give in and be a strong man!

Thanks, Nutcrac.

So, tonight was....terrible.

I got an email during the day that said that W had cheated on me. It used her name, and it totally messed up my entire day. It had some weird anonymous reply to address, and there was a link in it (which I did not pay attention to).

W's parents emailed and asked me to call to chat, and I did. They are confused about what's going on, they cried, looking for answers, etc. Her Dad said I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her.

I came home after talking to W's parents, and confronted her about the email. W finally admitted that she kissed someone on her India trip last month, and after I pried she said there was a "romance" but they didn't sleep together. This hurt, a lot, but she seemed to think it was no big deal. Kept downplaying it. I couldn't keep it together...I just wanted her to take some responsibility

I told her that I talked to her parents, and she was fine with that, happy even. She asked what we talked about, and I told her that we were all just confused about what was going on. She started getting really upset, saying I should have told them about her attraction issue, and that I should have told them about our sex issues? Obviously this is not my responsibility. Then she literally flipped out screaming about this, I've never ever seen her act like this.

Then she started asking about the email, accusing me of writing it, and then totally flew off the handle. Accused me of spying, hacking her phone (wtf?), and said she didn't feel safe around me. She really got me on the defensive. I told her I would never do any of this (I didn't!), and she eventually said she believes me, that I'm not spying and didn't write this email. She said we shouldn't be in the same house, nonetheless, and packed a bag to go to her friend's place. She insisted on hiding my gun because she's afraid I'll hurt myself (I won't). Then she left.

After checking out the email again, I'm pretty sure it's spam or something. It had a link to buy a bunch of stuff with bitcoin...I'm assuming they scraped her name from social media?? Bad timing.

So, yeah...I'm pretty sure my marriage is over. I don't see any way to recover from all of this. I cannot believe we've gotten to such a horrible place.

Got a text from W. Says that she wants to go to therapy so that we can proceed with the divorce process "with love". How do I respond to this?

Tell her you need time to think about it.

Jamine - At least you got to know the true side of her. Prepare for a life without her. Move on. And I am sure she does not deserve you. She betrayed you and she is not ready to accept her fault. Instead trying to blame you for her wrong doings. Do not respond to her going forward. My suggestion is you should reduce any communication with her parents as well going forward. All the best!

I have to live with her tonight and tomorrow, and will be DBing during this time. I'm starting to think this trip is a very good thing for me, adventure, friends, and some well needed vacation.

Originally Posted by Jamine

will be DBing during this time..

This is a vague statement. What is your plan?

Continue my 180s, going to workout after work, I'll probably take my dog out someone fun after that. I'll have to spend some time at home to do laundry and pack for my trip, but plan to be out the rest of the time.

If/when I interact with her I'll only validate, will not try to argue or convince, and will keep my answers short and to the point. I'll be the one to end every interaction, and I will not inquire about her or her goings on at all. I'm standing tall, and feeling confident. I actually feel good about myself, for real right now, so I don't have to put on a show here.

MBR is mine, that's already been established, and I won't allow her any physical connection whatsoever - she will try to touch me, hug, etc. but that is not happening anymore. She'll likely offer to drive me to the airport Thursday morning, but I call an Uber instead.

Anything I'm missing?

Sounds like you have a plan. Enjoy your dog. Enjoy your night.

Busy night so far, mowed the lawn, got in a great workout, then saw W at home. She said she was sorry for cheating on me, sorry for hurting me, I just validated, but did not forgive. She asked for a hug and I said no. Then left for her girlfriend's house (where she stayed last night). That was really really hard to do, I'm craving physical contact, but she doesn't deserve my comfort.

Going to take the dog out and then pack for my trip. Lots to do tomorrow...

I know it hurts but be strong and you're doing the right thing. Don't give them anything unless full repentance and Reconciliation

Originally Posted by Jamine

Busy night so far, mowed the lawn, got in a great workout, then saw W at home. She said she was sorry for cheating on me, sorry for hurting me, I just validated, but did not forgive. She asked for a hug and I said no. Then left for her girlfriend's house (where she stayed last night). That was really really hard to do, I'm craving physical contact, but she doesn't deserve my comfort.

Well it's your choice but a hug isn't going to be the end of the world. Personally whenever XW asked for a hug I liked to flip the script on her and give her either the side-arm hug or the slap-on-the-back hug like you would do an aunt or uncle or something. Those were the kind of hugs she gave me after BD so turnabout is fair play

Now that years have gone by we do hug now and then and it's more of a normal hug. It feels weird to hug the kids in front of her but not her, so I'll usually hug her as well.

Quick question - so W was very insistent that she take me to the airport tomorrow. After thinking about it, it makes sense for me. I don't really want to have to potentially wait for an Uber at 4:30 in the morning.

This is okay, right? I don't think accepting her help will really affect my DBing...might give me a chance to validate in the car.

Go for it.

So, I made it across the ocean and to my friend's place. The country I'm in is incredibly beautiful and completely foreign to me...I love it. 25 hours of travel was very difficult in my current, somewhat emotional state, but as soon as I stepped off my final plane I felt a sense of relief.

This is only my third day here, and I've already experienced so much. I have barely been thinking about W. She wanted me to tell her when I arrived safely, and I did. I've not even considered reaching out since then, where previously I'd be thinking about reaching out nearly every waking moment.

I can't believe I considered cancelling this trip. I know that I'm distracted, but I can finally see a real light at the end of the tunnel. Detachment seems like a genuine possibility - I'm almost scared that I'll stop wanting to R if I continue this way. I think this is a good thing.

That's awesome J, enjoy your time there!

Hey, so I got back home from my SE Asia trip. Had an amazing vacation, and incredible time that I wouldn't trade for the world. Unfortunately, it was an escape, and I was not ready for reality coming back home.

Since I've been back, W has been staying at a friends house. She's been by the house to do some gardening, and came by tonight to "discuss logistics"...it did not go well.

It started out very nice, I was making a big salad and offered some. She accepted, and we sat in the living room and talked about our last 2.5 weeks. Then we went over the settlement agreement that she brought, which I largely agree to, and that went amicably.

Things then took a turn for the worse, and she went back to her "ultimatum", that I have to be out of the house by June 1st, which I've rejected every time she's mentioned it (she's tried telling me this for 1.5 months, I've never agreed). As soon as I told her that I would be living in the house and would not agree, she started getting angry. After I wouldn't budge, she went off the rails. Told me I'm just going to make her resent me, yelled at me, and I remained calm throughout. She then stormed out of the house, saying she just wouldn't talk to me if I was going to act like this.

I didn't get upset, didn't yell, the only somewhat confrontational thing I said was "we were having a nice civil conversation, do you have to do this?". She slammed the door, and drove off angry. Immediately afterwards, I received two text messages from her that I have yet to respond to. I'll copy those here:

"You are being completely unreasonable. You need to move out by the end of May. Please review and enter the correct numbers on the separation agreement. I need it by this weekend. You will need to move into your own place to continue focusing on your career and mental health."
"We ARE NOT co-existing in that house. You were gone 6 weeks, I will have been out of the house for 8. You need to be out of the house by June 1."

First of all, she'll have been out of the house for 5 weeks, by her own choice. She comes back whenever she wants. I've never encouraged her to leave the house. I'm trying to craft a response to this...

"I'm happy to review and add the numbers on the separation agreement by this weekend. I understand that you're upset that I won't leave the house, but this is not your choice. I've made no effort to control your actions during this process, and I'd appreciate if you'd stop trying to control mine. Your time away from the house has been completely voluntary, and you return at will; I've never asked you to leave or stay away. You are welcome here, but I cannot sacrifice my happiness and career objectives to please you."

Opinions? Is this too much justification?

Here's the thing. After this vacation, I do feel like I've dropped the rope. I know that lots of people say this, but W clearly has no love, respect, or even cares for my well being anymore. She's also entirely unpleasant to be around (except for a few fleeting moments), and I've gotten quite a bit of attention from other women since my wedding ring came off.

I may very well WANT to leave by June, but I need to make that decision for myself.

Since last night, when W and I had our conversation, and she stormed out of the house, I've been flooded with text messages. All of them telling me that "I need to be out by June 1st". I've responded sparsely, and without emotion (even though all of her messages have been very charged), saying things like "I do not agree to this date", or "this date is not acceptable to me", "I've been consistent in rejecting this date. You should not expect any other answer".

Now she is asking for a compromise, that I leave for the month of June and I can have the house back in July. I don't want to do this, but I'm not sure how to communicate this back to her. She isn't listening to anything that I've said. I'm pretty sure there's a hidden agenda here, but I won't attempt to guess what that is.

Originally Posted by Jamine

"I'm happy to review and add the numbers on the separation agreement by this weekend. I understand that you're upset that I won't leave the house, but this is not your choice. I've made no effort to control your actions during this process, and I'd appreciate if you'd stop trying to control mine. Your time away from the house has been completely voluntary, and you return at will; I've never asked you to leave or stay away. You are welcome here, but I cannot sacrifice my happiness and career objectives to please you."

Opinions? Is this too much justification?

Yes too much justification. Just simply state "we've already discussed this, I am not leaving the house and I have nothing more to say on the matter." If she keeps texting then just quit replying. About every 10 texts say "see my previous response." You're doing a great job of keeping your cool in the face of her temper tantrums, keep it up!

My 2 cents:

Originally Posted by Jamine

"I'm happy to will review and add the numbers on the separation agreement by this weekend. I understandam sorry that you're upset that I won't leave the house, but this is not your choice. I've made no effort to control your actions during this process, and I'd appreciate if you'd stop trying to control mine. Your time away from the house has been completely voluntary, and you return at will; I've never asked you to leave or stay away. You are welcome here, but I cannot sacrifice my happiness and career objectives to please you."

Thanks for the input! I haven't replied to her last request to "share" the house (i.e. move out during June), but if she persists I'll continue follow this advice.

I feel like I've messed this up beyond repair, beginning with my initial exit per her request, before I discovered DBing. I don't even know if I want to R at this point, but is it even possible? At this point, my greatest hope is that W can have a normal conversation without screaming at me or leaving the room.

W started this out by telling me that "I'm her best friend", that "I've been an amazing husband", and that she "loves me". Now she can't even have a conversation without making some ridiculous demands and going ape [censored] when I don't immediately cave. This has all been with extremely limited to no communication...it's just gotten worse every day since BD. Who is this person?

Originally Posted by Jamine

W started this out by telling me that "I'm her best friend", that "I've been an amazing husband", and that she "loves me". Now she can't even have a conversation without making some ridiculous demands and going ape [censored] when I don't immediately cave. This has all been with extremely limited to no communication...it's just gotten worse every day since BD.

You are using the wrong measuring stick. Do not believe things are worse just because she is more angry (or expressing her emotions).

Originally Posted by Jamine

At this point, my greatest hope is that W can have a normal conversation without screaming at me or leaving the room.

I remember this. Between BD and him MO (6 months) all I ever saw in my H's eyes was resentment and anger. It seemed like if I breathed too loud I would get yelled at. There were times when I couldn't wait for him to finally MO, times when I wanted desperately for him to stay, and times when I just didn't know. And it showed. I cried, I raged, I demanded answers and I hid in the shadows. The me today would love to tell the me then to just maintain the high ground, and, hard as it may seem, not always let him set the temperature in the room. The me today would love to tell the me then that it was not me that caused the anger, but something inside him that was raging and that no matter what I did or didn't do, that he would rage all the same. So I might as well just let him rage. And go about my life as best I could, not be baited into arguments, and not demand answers when he had no answers to give.

I know it plays like a tape on repeat, but GAL, 180 and detach. You admit you don't know if you even want to R, but how can you tell if you are constantly in the eye of the storm. Get up in the morning and say "It's a new day", write a list of goals for you, start small (I will make my bed every morning, I will go to the gym three times a week, I will read one non-fiction book per week) and work on achieving those. Make that your focus. Not whether you will R or not. When you start to achieve those things, I promise that your mind will be calmer and you will be in a better place to decide what you want.

Don't get drawn into the crazy.

Originally Posted by Jamine

W just made a bunch of excuses to check me out while I was changing. I had just lifted, and felt super good about myself. I could see the look on her face, and while she didn't say anything outwardly, she kept coming back in to ask inane unimportant questions, "what does this notification on my phone mean?"

I know it has no bearing on our relationship, but damn did it feel good to be looked at like that.

Thats awesome. They definitely notice wnen you look good. I have dropped almost 100lbs. I look amazing. My STBXWW has never experienced me in this shape and never will. I catch her staring at me all the time. It really seems to piss her off that I am finally looking amazing. After she decided she was done with me already.

Keep it up. But remember, that your health is for you to appreciate, not for her.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change

You are using the wrong measuring stick. Do not believe things are worse just because she is more angry (or expressing her emotions).

Is there any way to measure progress, outside of how I feel? I feel relatively detached. Seeing her yesterday made my heart flutter a bit, but I honestly feel like I don't know W anymore. Does her constant anger mean anything, or should I ignore her emotions? I'd like to be in a place to not hate each other after D, but I'm no longer willing to give myself up for her.

Originally Posted by FlySolo

I know it plays like a tape on repeat, but GAL, 180 and detach. You admit you don't know if you even want to R, but how can you tell if you are constantly in the eye of the storm. Get up in the morning and say "It's a new day", write a list of goals for you, start small (I will make my bed every morning, I will go to the gym three times a week, I will read one non-fiction book per week) and work on achieving those. Make that your focus. Not whether you will R or not. When you start to achieve those things, I promise that your mind will be calmer and you will be in a better place to decide what you want.

Don't get drawn into the crazy.

I'm feeling pretty confident about my reactions. I'm definitely internalizing her emotions, but I've gotten very good at validating, keeping a smile on my face, and not visibly reacting to her wild emotional swings. Yesterday I started training at a boxing gym in town, and will maintain my regular workouts and other hobbies. Although I just got back into town, I'm definitely going to keep GAL. I'll also write down some goals tonight before I go to bed - most of these have been in my head so far.

Originally Posted by SoTorn

Thats awesome. They definitely notice wnen you look good. I have dropped almost 100lbs. I look amazing. My STBXWW has never experienced me in this shape and never will. I catch her staring at me all the time. It really seems to piss her off that I am finally looking amazing. After she decided she was done with me already.

Keep it up. But remember, that your health is for you to appreciate, not for her.

Wow, I'm impressed! I hope to keep increasing my fitness through workouts and now boxing. My confidence is way up these days; I got hit on more than once on my vacation. I'm doing it for me, but the looks from W are definitely icing on the cake.

Attention from other women is so nice. I get tons. I actually have a girlfriend now thats 13 years younger than my STBXWW.

Update today:

I've been doing well. I'm keeping up with fitness, got in 4 days of boxing last week, eating right, and generally GAL. W had been continuing to be terrible to me up until yesterday.

Yesterday was my birthday, which I was not particularly excited about given the recent context. I started the day off right though; it was a beautiful day, so I took my dog on a long morning hike. Got a text from W asking if she could come over. I'd made plans to meet up with a friend in the evening, so she came by in the afternoon.

She brought over a birthday cake and two coffees, and we sat and chatted and had some cake and coffee. It felt sooo nice to just have things be normal and pleasant. She stayed for about 45 minutes, but that was perfect. I didn't feel drawn to her in the way that I used to, but this whole interaction made my day feel very special.

I got two texts from W later in the day. She wished me a happy birthday again, and said to have fun, which I did. I went to go see the new Avengers movie with a buddy, and when I got out I had another text message from W. This one was an apology. She said,
"Thanks for being kind. I'm sorry I've treated you so horribly. I don't want to be that way."

I'm not taking this for anything more than face value (and barely that, even), but this also was extremely nice to hear. It was first time she's acknowledged that her behavior has been anything but normal. It can be hard not to doubt your own perspective when someone else's is so drastically different, and to hear her admit that she KNOWS how horrible she's been made me feel a lot better about my own judgement.

Things are looking a lot brighter today...

Jamine, how do you feel about just being friends with her?

Originally Posted by Steve85

Jamine, how do you feel about just being friends with her?

Steve, that's a really good question. I'm not entirely sure what my goals are anymore. I still have very strong feelings for W, but I know that I couldn't R right now because I absolutely cannot trust her. I guess the answer is, I'd like to be friendly, but no, I don't want to be "just friends" with her.

Originally Posted by Jamine

Originally Posted by Steve85

Jamine, how do you feel about just being friends with her?

Steve, that's a really good question. I'm not entirely sure what my goals are anymore. I still have very strong feelings for W, but I know that I couldn't R right now because I absolutely cannot trust her. I guess the answer is, I'd like to be friendly, but no, I don't want to be "just friends" with her.

Ok, the "here's a cake and coffee" thing feels like a friend zone move. I want you to please temper any thoughts that she is coming around to something more. No expectations. You will know with no ambiguity if and when she wants to R.

Hey Jamine, this is neffer. First time writing to you. I�ve read your sitch. You are really improving. Just keep walking that road. You are having plenty of good advice. Just keep trusting yourself, you are doing good.

First thing you need to take back is respect. So be respectable, act accordingly. Keep detaching, control expectations, no anxieties. Better times coming.

It�s a marathon.Time is yours.

Steve, you are definitely right here. I'm not reading into any of this behavior. W came by the house to garden yesterday, and just seemed to have this negativity about her. I kept my distance, barely interacting, but it definitely solidified the fact that things will change day-to-day.

Neffer, thanks for the support! Detaching is much harder than it initially seems, but I'm definitely improving. I find that I'm catching myself more often, for example, W sent me a text this morning that really didn't require any reply, so I didn't reply. These kind of things are big steps for me, I'd have never done this prior to BD and finding DB and this forum.

Life is taking steps Jamine. Keep that walk.

The dynamic with W has been changing. It doesn't feel as tense anymore. Her text messages have been lighter, she put a heart emoji in one. She sent me a message last night that says that she is "feeling positive about the future for both of us". I'm not taking this as a good sign. I think she sees the changes in me, and is taking this more as permission to move on, since I'm doing so well.

W asked me what I plan to do when I move out, and I told her that I'm not sure yet. She sent me some information about condos nearby that she thinks would be a good fit for me (a friend of her's lives there, and they are pretty nice). I haven't replied to this.

Since I work remotely, I don't have a reason to stay in this city, but I'm torn. I like my life here, but without W I have very little support network. I know that W wants me to stay here; she definitely wants me at arm's length. I've been building a better network here for myself - I like my routine, my boxing club, and a lot of the other things about this city. On the other hand, I want to take this as an opportunity for a new start, and have a few cities that I could move to with lots of friends/family around (all are on the other side of the US - west coast/east coast). I also feel like the (very slim) chance for R will only happen if I'm close by. I have time to make my decision...W hasn't even filed yet, but I have no idea how to balance these choices. I feel like I'll likely want to leave before the D is final.

How do I make this decision? Do I even consider R as a possibility when evaluating my choices? I think I should make this decision for MYSELF, but the entire reason I'm on this forum is to DB, and I don't think moving 1000+ miles away could be considered part of that.

If you're still keeping hope, then I wouldn't move too far. If you're done and just need the space then you could go wherever. Just don't attach expectations to either choice.

Ovr, I guess that's really my issue. I know that I'm not over her, and I still have a twinge of hope in the back of my mind, but I absolutely cannot see any scenario where she takes the steps that would allow us to R. I'm so torn...I do not want to give up, and feel that if I leave this city that it's the final nail in the coffin. I also don't want to outfit a new place, only to find out that I'm really miserable here and the have to move everything across the country.

Oh well, I guess I still have time to think about it. She's been putting together our settlement, and I feel like she'll be filing for D any day. I'll have 3 ish months from then before she buys the house from me.

Originally Posted by Jamine

The dynamic with W has been changing. It doesn't feel as tense anymore. Her text messages have been lighter, she put a heart emoji in one. She sent me a message last night that says that she is "feeling positive about the future for both of us". I'm not taking this as a good sign. I think she sees the changes in me, and is taking this more as permission to move on, since I'm doing so well.

Be careful. I went through these stages where I noticed any subtle change, mind read, and hoped it signified that she might be open to reconciliation. It didn't. GAL, 180, detach. Let her go. That's all I can say.

So, It's been quite a while since I've posted here, but wanted to give an update. I've decided that if/when D happens, I will not be staying in the area. I'm actually going to visit another city at the beginning of June (somewhere I've never lived) that's got more to offer than where I currently am. I have some good friends living there, and can afford a place downtown on my own, and feel that this would be a very good place to start fresh. My boss is completely supporting this, which is really nice. I've told W that I do not plan to stay in the house past the beginning of July, and will be leaving the city as well.

The dynamic between W and I has started to shift. W's been trying to encourage me to stay here, sending me links to condos and apartments less than a mile from our house (even though she knows I plan to leave). She's completely stopped yelling when we interact, finds reasons to text or call every day, and has been coming by the house more often. She came by on Monday to pick some things up, and I was making tacos. I invited her to stay and eat, and we had a really nice time. No R talks, just catching up and hanging out. I know that on some level this is cake eating, but it was really really nice to just spend some stress-free time together. After dinner, W asked if we could have dinner together once a week. I told her that I'm really busy, and I'll think about it.

W also texted me asking if we could go to therapy together. I asked her why, and she said "so that you can have a better understanding of why we are separating, and so we do this gracefully without anger and resentment. We both love each other and I don't want things to end negatively." I replied that I need to think about that, and have not discussed it since. If she brings it up, I plan to tell her no, and that she's welcome to see a therapist on her own to achieve those goals (not sure if she is still going to IC, haven't asked). It sounds like she wants me to go to therapy so she can feel less bad about what she's doing, and so she can guilt me into a friendship. I'm not interested in that.

I know that I shouldn't be analyzing her behavior, but I think things are starting to actually sink in for her. That I won't be at arms length after this, and that I'm actually moving on with my life without putting her at the forefront of my decision making. W has STILL not filed for D, and has said she was going to multiple times. Not getting my hopes up here; I'm going to keep going forward planning to move to a new amazing city. No matter how this pans out, I'll be in a good situation.

Originally Posted by Jamine

So, It's been quite a while since I've posted here, but wanted to give an update. I've decided that if/when D happens, I will not be staying in the area. I'm actually going to visit another city at the beginning of June (somewhere I've never lived) that's got more to offer than where I currently am. I have some good friends living there, and can afford a place downtown on my own, and feel that this would be a very good place to start fresh. My boss is completely supporting this, which is really nice. I've told W that I do not plan to stay in the house past the beginning of July, and will be leaving the city as well.

I actually think that sounds like a really great idea, assuming your are doing it 100% because you want to and not to "punish" your W. It sounds like you have the right reasons though.

Quote

The dynamic between W and I has started to shift. W's been trying to encourage me to stay here, sending me links to condos and apartments less than a mile from our house (even though she knows I plan to leave). She's completely stopped yelling when we interact, finds reasons to text or call every day, and has been coming by the house more often. She came by on Monday to pick some things up, and I was making tacos. I invited her to stay and eat, and we had a really nice time. No R talks, just catching up and hanging out. I know that on some level this is cake eating, but it was really really nice to just spend some stress-free time together. After dinner, W asked if we could have dinner together once a week. I told her that I'm really busy, and I'll think about it.

I think you are right, she's starting to see some REAL detachment versus just detaching as a trick to get her back. And she's starting to realize she may lose you. Unfortunately it doesn't mean she wants to recon, but she's trying to keep you on as Plan B.

Quote

W also texted me asking if we could go to therapy together. I asked her why, and she said "so that you can have a better understanding of why we are separating, and so we do this gracefully without anger and resentment. We both love each other and I don't want things to end negatively." I replied that I need to think about that, and have not discussed it since. If she brings it up, I plan to tell her no, and that she's welcome to see a therapist on her own to achieve those goals (not sure if she is still going to IC, haven't asked).

Perfect response.

Well, it's definitely turned into a rollercoaster. W sent me a message that she was filing today, and that even though we'd agreed that we were going to see a mediator, that she's hiring an attorney. She also hired someone at the law office that represents my company, and who I'm currently managing a software project for on their business-law side. I was concerned this was going to be a conflict of interest, but the attorney said since it's a different arm of the practice that it isn't.

When I told W that I'd now have to hire my own attorney to go over the paperwork, she flipped out. Started accusing me of trying to slow the process and trying to "take" more from her. Hung up on me once, then called me back. I explained that we'd decided on a mediator and she made this choice without me, and she was extremely argumentative, telling me that tons of couples only have one lawyer representing one of them (uhh, what??) and that a mediator can't file the paperwork (aren't most mediators lawyers themselves?). I told her that I was going to have to have someone review these documents for me, as I'm not an attorney. I ended the conversation there, telling her that I didn't want to talk anymore. She texted a few minutes later apologizing.

Earlier this week W had asked if she could join me and our dog on a hike this weekend. I was planning to do this beautiful hike about an hour drive away on my own - I told her about it when she asked about my weekend plans. She expressed interest in joining, so I said that if she wanted to that she could come. I thought I could use the time together to validate, as an opportunity for her to see my 180s, and have a pleasant experience together. I also miss her very much, and was looking forward to actually doing something together. We only see each other once or twice a week, so it's not like this chance comes up often. Was this a mistake? Should I just call the whole thing off?

Let her ride the roller coaster, you just keep the steady improvement going.

If she gets stupid and mean and hangs up, don't bother answering after that. It shows her that you'll be there after her tantrum. But overall your detachment is progressing. Just remember that you won't let someone who doesn't want you in her life dictate how you live yours.

Of course you can't use the same attorney, how can 1 person represent opposing interests? I swear, some people...

Good luck J!

Well, W has already texted me multiple apologies for acting the way she did. She said she's sick and super irritable and that's why she acted that way (funny that she was doing this constantly a few weeks ago without having the excuse of being sick).

I didn't reply to 4 of the messages, on the 5th I told her that I'm sorry she isn't feeling well, but I won't continue to talk to her if she treats me this way. She said she was extremely sorry and would not do it again.

Not sure if she ended up filing the paperwork today. I guess I'll find out soon.