Today is a new day. Trying to pull myself out of a rut. I've been dwelling on things I can't control. I don't like these feelings of doubt. I hope it's just a temporary and I can get past. It's mentally exhausting and I know it needs to stop. I haven't heard from W since last Monday. I don't plan on reaching out today to exchange kids. I knew this week was going to be rough and it exceeded my expectations for sure. It definitely pushed me to my limits.
Last night I went and reread my thread and soaked in some of the advice. I think it helped a bit. So, I'm just hanging in there and being patient. Would like to get out and GAL. I know I sound down, I guess the marathon can ware a person out once in a while. Hopefully some good things will fall my way soon.
Yes, rereading after you are more soberminded and ready to accept the advice provided. Sometimes we are so amped up in our sitches that we don't listen. I know going back and rereading was very beneficial to me.
Sending you a big hug Lane! Just keep walking forward man!
Thanks Neffer..I'm feeling alot better.W came over to get kids. It was actually pleasant. We visited for a few minutes about her health issues and about the kids. I acted like I was doing just fine.She still has that guard up strong. All business. When she talked , I validated almost everything she said.
Anyways , I know there's going to be good days and bad. Just going to keep positive and moving forward. The rereading the advice did help. Done moaning around right now. Back on track.
good evening..Journaling
Well its been a few days since Ive logged anything. Im still plugging away day by day. My WW is still doing her thing.
She did tell me that her OM does not want to be more than just friends. And that he is a great friend and a big part of her life. That kinda of hurt, but she just doesn't get it. I know he doesn't want a serious relationship with some with major baggage. Its seems she is hanging on for dear life though. I just SMH at this. Its got to be the fantasy fog. Her health is starting to go a little more. She said that her friend OM is going to be there to support her and that she doesn't know how its going to work with me around. I just validated and said thats fine and I understand.
Today I met her for a few minutes at the gas station to fill our daughters car etc. She seems very very stressed out and doesn't smile or anything, very irritable.Like maybe things aren't going her way attitude. I asked her if theres anything wrong and she said "no I'm doing great"..I just said ok and left it at that.
I thought wrong when we were actually starting to talk a little. I thought maybe I was making a little progress and making some sort of connection. I just learned that she is just as far gone as she was a month ago still.
My daughter spent a little time with her yesterday and she says that she spends money like crazy. I know thats a sign of a MLC as well as WW. She hasn't hurt me at all financially except I'm paying all the bills here where I live while she lives for free at her parents. That will change next month when she moves into our rental house. We shall see.
As far as me GAL. I went out with some friends last weekend. Do a lot with my kids and work way too much. I do worry about my W health and her well being. She knows I care and worry a lot but she doesn't want my love ATM. So I will keep my distance some more . The marathon continues. It is nice my 2 older kids stay with me and don't like bouncing back and forth. My 2 little ones are ok with it. I get them back tomorrow for a few days. Single dad can be okay sometimes but can be very lonely.
I may have set my self back a bit talking a little to much the last few days. Time to back off again and let things go again. I still have moments of grief and pain, but not as often. I have moments of happiness and then sadness. Its just the roller coaster ride from hell. I know I'm all over the place writing my thoughts so I will end it here.
I’m right here with you, buddy. Never chimed I’m on your sitch, but I’ve been reading it. Remember that the roller coaster has highs and lows. The lows suck. And the highs are not always as steep and high as you would like, but they get steeper and higher and better and better.
You got this. We got this. It sux at times, but we will be happy again. Period.
Hi LANE777 hang in there bud wish I had some advice for you, I don't, but you have my support.
You're saying you thought she had "progressed", but then realized she is right where she was a month ago. Pray tell, how is it that you can delve into her mind and see "where she is at"? Or are you simply just trying your hand at mind reading?
Seems like you're focusing on the wrong person. It's going to take work and discipline to change that focus, start small and stick to it.
Thx Will and Paulze
Lol..ovrrnbw...I've always been a mind reader...and probably always been wrong. I know, trying to get in a WW mind is impossible. I think after the rough week I had last week, I fell into some sort of desperate phase. Just need to saddle back up. I thought I was making progress, but the realized I was only fooling myself. I need to trust the process. Definitely need to discipline my self and take it slow.
Keep walking Lane. You need to detach, no expectations. She chose her road, her loss. Give her time and space. No need to do R talks, no OM talks, only about the children. Try to go as DARK as you can.
GAL and be there for the kids. Be the lighthouse.
Its been awhile since I've updated anything on my sitch. Nothing has improved at all. We've talked a few times and I know I backslid and Im pissed about it. I let her move into our rental home. She actually came over and picked up some things and I kind of helped her move in. It felt like the good ole days being with her and riding in the same vehicle together etc. So I did get my hopes high and started talking about "us". I asked if she wanted to go get a bite to eat sometime..she said no that she didn't want to. Okay, I knew I shouldn't have done that. Later on she went out with my D to eat and a movie. My daughter told me she is using a credit card to pay for everything. I just asked her the day before how she was paying for everything. I asked if she was using a credit card..she straight up lied to me. So the next time I saw her I called her on it. She had the deer in the headlights. She also told D that she has an attorney writing up the papers. I did not know she had hired an attorney. So I asked her about it. She verified that she has one and is in the process of getting papers written up for what she wants. I asked what she wanted. She said just the Rental house and that's it and child support. She said we could sit down together with her attorney and go over the details etc. This was all on the phone. I asked her why she wants to D me so bad. She didn't have an answer. She could not tell me why she wanted to D me. I asked if she was still dating OM and she said no that he was not ready for her. Any ways, she told me she was never coming home and that we will never be together and that the bad out weighed the good etc. She told me that she never felt like she could do anything on her own and that she wanted to prove she could do this all by her self... I kept my mouth shut but she lives in the house I bought before we got married and she is driving a car that is in my name. All of her medical bills are going to collection and credit cards are past due and one is in collection. She is like watching a train wreck. Needless to say she is in trouble and I probably talked way too much. She still knows I care for her deeply and that's the problem. 2 nights ago we had to go to the High school for my D15. We sat next to each other. We are decent to each other and act like like normal people. In fact no one would know we were separated. After the event, she said goodbye and off she went. Yesterday she went out of town to look at a car with her brother. I used to be in the car business for years. She called me and texted me wanting to know if they were getting a good deal or not etc.
So now today, I am going back to no contact. I feel like she still wants to have a relationship, just not the kind I want. I feel like I back slid big time by giving into all the conversation and telling her I still had feeling for her etc. It totally backfired on me. She is still living the fantasy and thinks the grass is way greener over there. Not sure what to do but go no contact/dark for a while. Its tough when you have kids though. One thing is that we are very polite especially in front of the kids. She did tell me the other day that shes not in a big hurry to do papers because shes so busy, but would like to get them done. The equity in the house is roughly 70k. She plans on paying off her car thats in my name and the credit cards that she wracked up under my name. I told her that rental was our retirement investment and for our kids college. She just doesn't get it. Both our home and rental would be paid off in 7 years or less.
Anyways, this is going longer than I want.
Sorry to hear all of that. Throw a truth dart at her. Definitely don't pursue like you did. You probably feel dumb for doing so. Quit talking to her so much. GAL. Seriously, go start your new life. Your old life is gone. So make a new, better one. Good luck.
L,
You backslid big time so now get yourself up dust yourself up and start moving forward. No more pursuit. Everything you do from here on in is what's best for you and the kids.
Your problem right now is you are trying to use logic and reason with an emotional human being. She can give two $hits about retirement and college funds. Everything for her is about how she feels right now. She is not happy and she thinks you are the reason she is unhappy. With time and space she will realize that you were not the cause of her unhappiness.
Now having said that, she is probably not coming back to the same marriage. She is not attracted to you right now because you are acting weak and needy. What can you do to change that? You join a gym, eat healthy, learn to play guitar. You get the jist of it. Take the time and fall in love with yourself.
When you do you will no longer be interested in chasing women who are rejecting you.
Yes, there was alot said between us and it didn't make one bit of difference. Obviously she thinks the grass is greener no matter what. Today I've been thinking about alot of things. I realize that the only way is to step completely back and let it run its course. I have absolutely no control of anything she does whether it's good or bad. I can see a train wreck in the making. So sad to watch. My kids don't deserve any of this and I'm trying so hard to protect them from it.
I do feel helpless and at times very weak. I know that's a total turn off for W. I worry about what the future holds for everyone especially the kids. The sooner I can move on the better off I will be. I need to get out and meet new friends that I can forget about this hell. My expectations need to go away. My hopes need to be less. I need her to sense that I'm moving on. I know WW can say thing that are crushing. Probably shouldn't believe everything or anything at all but I asked for it. Time for me to toughen up. GAL and be a better version of me.
Hello everyone. I think there comes a point in everyone's sitch where the WS has gone too far, created too much hurt, and has done way too much damage. You hit a point where you just don't want to do it anymore. I call it acceptance. I know my WW will not change. So, I'm done trying. I know I held on for dear life for 4 months. I would detach for a week or 2. But would always slip back into puppy dog mode. Last Tuesday was the day I decided I don't want to do this anymore. She is in a full on relationship with OM. They spend the night together. So yeah, everything shes doing is wrong and hurtful. I now find myself not caring as much for her. I get a little angry thinking about this guy and my W wrecking my family. I then tell myself its over and not worth the fight. The energy that is put into this could be spent easily elsewhere. Last night she sent me a text. I saw it and didn't even care to respond. It was about kids so I did respond this morning. I hope this attitude I've had will stick. It feels good to have confidence and find a little pride in myself knowing I am a great person. I am a great father and have absolutely nothing to be sorry for anymore. When people say you need to detach and GAL. Im finally just getting a taste of it now. And it feels great ! For those of you still hanging on for dear life. I recommend letting go 100% for just a few days just to see how it feels. Don't look at your phone. Don't drive by their house, dont sit and wait for any opportunity to make the tiniest bit of contact. Just go about your day like a single person would do. Smile at yourself in the mirror while your driving and listen to your music loud. Go have fun and let it all go. You all have so much left to do with my life! So, here the other part. Dont expect anything to happen except your own life getting better. If my WW came back today or next week. I am literally at the point of saying " I dont have the energy for you anymore".
Don't get me wrong. I'm still very heartbroken, but its time to move on. I love and miss my old W. But she is gone. The new person is so different and I'm not interested this wayward, lying,cheating, untrustworthy person. She tried to tell me she was a good person the other day and a great mother. I just validated as the lies spewed out of her mouth. Her life is pathetic to say the least. We were a religious family with great morals. She was a modest woman and had a great heart and personality. She is now a very selfish person with a cheating heart. Good luck to her and her new life.
I am finally feeling happy to go do things with out the turmoil in my mind and heart. Im on the mend!!!
Like I said, I hope I can keep this up!!
Lane
Lane,
Sounds like you are in a good place right now but keep in mind you are still very early in the process and are likely to circle back through the stages of grief.
Also you may want to read up more on validation. There is no need to validate lies.
Take it one day at a time and just keep moving forward.
Awesome for you Lane! You will always have my support brother!
As LH said dont get down on yourself if you have a setback, its going to be a process. As long as your starting to have more and more good days, your on the right path.
Edit: yes dont validate lies.
Lane,
You are doing great. Just remember setbacks are opportunities to learn. Don't get down on yourself and don't feel bad for being angry, for hurting or still loving your WW. Just remember to love and respect yourself more.
Onward and upward.
I always keep what jj says: onward and forward. You know, there is all these cycle of highs and lows but we need to get the direction straight. No matter how low we feel on the cycle we need to go onward and forward with them! So it gets better with time and it all depends on us. We are doing the walk. Just keep moving.
Edit: yes dont validate lies.
That’s true. Validate feelings, not subjective facts. Go and read validation sheet again, it’s important.
Thanks guys, its been a long time since my life was normal. Now being single is starting to seem normal. Today I picked up my kids. Normally I would knock and wait. Today, I knocked and then walked back to the car so I wouldn't have to talk to WW. The kids came running out and off we went. I'm going to continue this for as long as possible. The WW is so wrapped up in this OP that I finally realized I 100% dont matter to her. My d15 found a card she bought for OM stating how sexy he was and "I love u" ..and now he's staying the night when kids are not there. Like an idiot I told her it was wrong and he shouldn't be staying etc. She basically told me that he can stay when ever the kids are not there. She is to the point of not hiding it as much. Does it hurt? Like nothing I've ever felt. But its reality now. Before it was believing the lies. Their whole relationship is built on lies. It's so pathetic to think they think it's okay. I've read that usually affairs rarely last. I know I have finally let go. The cycle may come around and get me, but I plan on muscling through it. I know my value is way higher than I've shown. By not being readily available and being a safety net, she will see I've moved.on. No more NGS. Like someone said..you cant nice them back...very true. I seriously shake my head and whisper WTF to myself when I think of her behaviors. One of my biggest problems is finding stuff to do..all my friends are married and busy. I tried calling a few friends last night and nothing. Hopefully it will all come in time. I'm not sure what W has planned for D papers. She wants me to print my retirement info so she can give it to her L. I know what she wants and she's actually going easy. But I'm getting me a L just in case. Just broke right now. She did tell me she's not in a hurry anymore. Probably because she more in a comfort zone w OM...who knows. I try not to think about it anymore. Well, enough rambling out of me. I will reread the validation sheet. Thanks again for all the support.
L,
First off it is horrible that your D find that card and I would totally call your W on it. Just that she shouldn't leave stuff laying around for your kids to find. Unfortunately your children now will be more likely to be cheaters.
I can't stress this enough you must move on. Even if the A ends it means nothing. It is going to be a really long time before this all plays out.
Havent heard from you in a while, so just checking in to make sure my friend Lane is doing well. Hopefully your doing well and GAL. Still keeping you and your family in my prayers.
L,
First off it is horrible that your D find that card and I would totally call your W on it. Just that she shouldn't leave stuff laying around for your kids to find. Unfortunately your children now will be more likely to be cheaters.
Yes and no. I know a lot of children of cheaters that are vehemently opposed to it as adults. I have one friend in particular that will not have anything to do with friends that have left their spouses for other people.
Hello everyone! Some of you might remember me from last summer. I want to fill you all in on my life and how its been. More than anything, I feel I owe it to the people who were here for me.
I did not save my marriage. However, my life is going great. I will be back to kinda let you all know what's happened so stay tuned.
Lane
Good to hear from you Lane! Waiting for the update then.
Good to know you are doing well Lane777. I showed up about the time you stopped posting. I am in the same boat. I did not save my M. But overall my life is better, I love myself and my future is bright.
Hello Friends.
Lane here. Sorry I disappeared for a minute. However, I wanted to come back and check up on some old friends and I guess give you all my update. Just a refresher. My wife left me 1 year ago on May 21. I was a devastated mess. It took a few months to find this forum but glad I did. During that time I sat and moped around for days and weeks. It was the worst summer of my life. The only thing that kept me going was my kids. I had to be there for them and I had tons of encouragement from people here. If there is anyone new reading this and is broken beyond belief. I promise you that life will get better. My WAW is long gone. I decided about October last year that I didn't want to live my life like this ever. It took a few months of forcing my self to get out and get that life that we all hear about. So the Holidays came and went. I was pulling my self together slowly but surely. The soon to be ex needed a kidney transplant and got it done during the holiday and I had the kids the whole time. When she returned she recovered fast and is now healthy and back working.
My children really needed me while she was gone for 2 months and I can say I did a dam good job. I did all the x-mas and it was the best they have ever had. She was so determined to get the D pushed through last fall and I didnt want it. Right now we are not divorced and its to the point I keep asking her when can we get it done, We get along really good. She still has her boyfriend and to be honest I really don't care about that as much as I did. I don't necessarily hearing about him or about all the fancy trips they go on. But it is what it is and I'm not interested in dealing with it anymore. In my weakest moments I thought I could wait it out. What was I thinking?! So here is my life now. I feel like I'm in a good spot. I have allot of freedoms. I have my children. I have some extremely good friends and family that have been there for me. I don't sit home and think myself to death. I have had more fun and feel alive again. I do miss the life I once had. It was good. But I don't want her back. I'm not even seeing anyone to fill that void. Shes fading away and I'm okay. So how did I get through this? I didn't try to go around it. I didn't try to go over it. I WENT THROUGH IT! I muscled through it famously. When they say GAL. It means get out and go do things even though I didn't feel like it. Everything is different and adjusting [censored] but its been worth it. I used to think about it non stop. Now I'm thinking of way more positive and healthy thoughts. I met some really really good people that have gone through it as well. Some are way better than talking to any counselor guaranteed. Anyways, I know this is getting long. More than anything, I wanted all my db friends to know I am alive and doing super good. I also want to encourage anyone NEW on here to listen up to some of the vets here. I read all of Sandi's stuff and then had some great people come in and help. Just listen. I am telling you. Don't waste another day chasing someone who left me for another person. My attraction to her is slipping big time. Its sad that its all over but also exciting I get a fresh start. If any of you new comers have questions. I'm here for you. I made so many mistakes but it didn't matter even at the time or now. The outcome is exactly what it is meant to be. I'm thinking our paper will be filed this month. I cant wait believe it or not. 1 YEAR ago I wish I had a crystal ball to show me its all okay. That's it for now.I will be back more often to help anyone. Have a great weekend all. And new people, get out and do something even if its for an hour or 2. Peace!
Hi lane! Thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad you are in a good place. I'm stuck on GAL. I don't know what to do with myself. Right not I'm commuting an hour and 1/2 to work 5 days a week and I"m tired by the time I get home. So weeknights I don't care that I'm not doing anything.
I quit drinking don't want to go to a bar or anything. I can't think of anything I'd like to do. I've been married for 23 years. 3 kids (only 1 left at home s17) and we do things together, but I'm really struggling finding what I'd like to do. We moved here 3 years ago and all of our friends here are "our" friends.
Any advice on what to do when you don't want to do anything?
Also, I'd love any advice if you have time to read my sitch.
Thanks again for the update. It's good to see someone on the other side.
It’s about living at peace with ourselves. We can include reading a good book into GAL. Just enjoying ourselves as free healthy people. Not a piece of cake I know (look whos’s saying it...)
Looking at the future with no fear but confidence. Always moving forward.
Stand strong there Lane and Hope. Live into reality. Facing forward. Honor and respect.
Thanks, neffer. Your words of encouragement help.
Exactly what nef said. GAL doesnt mean going out all the time. It can mean just sitting quietly and reading a book. Watching YouTube videos. You can enjoy the little things as well.