First post - Wall is up, wife wants a divorce - 08/28/18 02:42 PM
Hi everyone, I’m new here and I apologize in advance for the long post- a bit about my story...
Almost 2 months ago (on the last day of vacation) my wife of 2.5yrs said she doesn’t want to be married anymore. We are 31 and have been together on and off for 10 years. We broke up for a couple months at the end of college and then for a year - it’s been about 6 yrs since. Both breakups were driven by her bc she wasn’t having fun...She stated we are too different, there is no spark, and she doesn’t have fun/isn’t herself around me. She added that she doesn’t like my family (they had a fight earlier in the year due to something my wife did but they always treated her great otherwise). As you can expect, this destroyed me.
I started doing what I shouldn’t, making a logical case as to why we can fix this and should remain together. Spoke about the good times and what we could do to get out if our funk and have more fun. I offered up couples counseling as we owed it to ourselves and the marriage to see if we could help the situation. She said ok but it may have just been to let me down easier.
She is right in that she is more adventurous than I am and maybe I lost my focus, but anything I did was for us - landscaping, most cooking, household shopping for us and our puppy. We both have busy jobs - she’s in medical sales and I’m in finance (commuting to NYC). She also doesn’t deal with stress well. The spark is a legitimate issue that she’s mentioned a couple times before. We should have talked more openly about this and would go way too long without being romantic, sleeping on diff ends of bed, her sleeping on couch bc puppy was crying, or laying down on separate sofas. I owned up to this ,but it’s not one sided- she could have tried harder too (she wants me to initiate).
Ever since she said she doesn’t know if she wants to be married, a wall has come up and we are basically in an in-house separation. She keeps herself busy out of the house on weekends with friends and family. We don’t talk much in the house besides stuff around the dog or whether she wants dinner- I push the vast majority of conversation, and we sleep in different rooms.
We have been to therapy for 4 sessions and it hasn’t really helped. She isn’t truly trying even thought she’s clearly holding back emotion/has cried (still has reiterated she wants a divorce despite therapist trying to keep her open minded) and in the last one she told the therapist she doesn’t really like her and doesn’t think she listens to her. Throughout therapy, I admitted to most responsibility- more than deserved, until the latest session when I said I just want us both to be happy, whether together or apart. Mentioned that she should have told me about being upset a long time ago and that I was frustrated bc this could have been fixed before it was too late. She apologized for that. I said maybe we should do separate sessions going forward as it may be better to work on each other and we have our best days after therapy..
For the most part it’s BAU in the house aside from Wednesday after therapy where we go out for drinks and have a good time- sometimes talking about what we did wrong to get us here. I am mostly taking care of the house and dog, as she has partially given up. Any time it seems slightly warmer, it goes the other way. Last week I thought things lightened up slightly until she went off that she can’t believe my family hasn’t reached out to her (her grandmother wrote me a nice letter) and it only reaffirms her decision and shows how disconnected we are. She said what are you holding on to let’s sell the house and get divorced. Not sure if the blowup was related to pressure from her family for doing this + me acting as if I was happy.. who knows.
I’ve been reading a lot and have tried the 180 for a little while- been doing things to improve myself and stay busy. I’m in my best shape since college (she has noticed and weirdly mentioned that she told her friend of course he will find someone he’s a catch- and it will bother her ....but not enough apparently) At first she may have thought the changes were on purpose - things she wanted to do like concerts and late nights with friends in the city that I usually don’t do as I try to get home to her. I was clear I may have in college but I’m doing this bc it makes me happy and it’s unrelated to her.
It’s been awhile now and I guess I’m hoping for the best still but losing hope...thanks for listening.
Almost 2 months ago (on the last day of vacation) my wife of 2.5yrs said she doesn’t want to be married anymore. We are 31 and have been together on and off for 10 years. We broke up for a couple months at the end of college and then for a year - it’s been about 6 yrs since. Both breakups were driven by her bc she wasn’t having fun...She stated we are too different, there is no spark, and she doesn’t have fun/isn’t herself around me. She added that she doesn’t like my family (they had a fight earlier in the year due to something my wife did but they always treated her great otherwise). As you can expect, this destroyed me.
I started doing what I shouldn’t, making a logical case as to why we can fix this and should remain together. Spoke about the good times and what we could do to get out if our funk and have more fun. I offered up couples counseling as we owed it to ourselves and the marriage to see if we could help the situation. She said ok but it may have just been to let me down easier.
She is right in that she is more adventurous than I am and maybe I lost my focus, but anything I did was for us - landscaping, most cooking, household shopping for us and our puppy. We both have busy jobs - she’s in medical sales and I’m in finance (commuting to NYC). She also doesn’t deal with stress well. The spark is a legitimate issue that she’s mentioned a couple times before. We should have talked more openly about this and would go way too long without being romantic, sleeping on diff ends of bed, her sleeping on couch bc puppy was crying, or laying down on separate sofas. I owned up to this ,but it’s not one sided- she could have tried harder too (she wants me to initiate).
Ever since she said she doesn’t know if she wants to be married, a wall has come up and we are basically in an in-house separation. She keeps herself busy out of the house on weekends with friends and family. We don’t talk much in the house besides stuff around the dog or whether she wants dinner- I push the vast majority of conversation, and we sleep in different rooms.
We have been to therapy for 4 sessions and it hasn’t really helped. She isn’t truly trying even thought she’s clearly holding back emotion/has cried (still has reiterated she wants a divorce despite therapist trying to keep her open minded) and in the last one she told the therapist she doesn’t really like her and doesn’t think she listens to her. Throughout therapy, I admitted to most responsibility- more than deserved, until the latest session when I said I just want us both to be happy, whether together or apart. Mentioned that she should have told me about being upset a long time ago and that I was frustrated bc this could have been fixed before it was too late. She apologized for that. I said maybe we should do separate sessions going forward as it may be better to work on each other and we have our best days after therapy..
For the most part it’s BAU in the house aside from Wednesday after therapy where we go out for drinks and have a good time- sometimes talking about what we did wrong to get us here. I am mostly taking care of the house and dog, as she has partially given up. Any time it seems slightly warmer, it goes the other way. Last week I thought things lightened up slightly until she went off that she can’t believe my family hasn’t reached out to her (her grandmother wrote me a nice letter) and it only reaffirms her decision and shows how disconnected we are. She said what are you holding on to let’s sell the house and get divorced. Not sure if the blowup was related to pressure from her family for doing this + me acting as if I was happy.. who knows.
I’ve been reading a lot and have tried the 180 for a little while- been doing things to improve myself and stay busy. I’m in my best shape since college (she has noticed and weirdly mentioned that she told her friend of course he will find someone he’s a catch- and it will bother her ....but not enough apparently) At first she may have thought the changes were on purpose - things she wanted to do like concerts and late nights with friends in the city that I usually don’t do as I try to get home to her. I was clear I may have in college but I’m doing this bc it makes me happy and it’s unrelated to her.
It’s been awhile now and I guess I’m hoping for the best still but losing hope...thanks for listening.