Crushed and helpless - DivorceBusting.com

Hey everyone
Ive been reading alot of what you guys are going through and im sorry this is happening.
So i feel its time to share my story.
My wife and i have been married for 16yrs, together for 19yrs.I moved to a different town(4hrs away) 18months ago to start a new buisness to better the families lifestyle.We have a 13yr D and felt it was best for W and D to stay at home near IL and city of birth as apposed to taking D away from school friends ect.W and D would make the trip up every fortnight to be together on the weekend.
7 months ago i noticed W was secretive with her phone all of a sudden,had a password which she never really did and was online alot.I asked about it and she said her girlfriend(16yrs younger) had a weird sense of homour and would post something on her FB page...seemed really odd but i dismissed it.
Would talk to wife each morning online and noticed she was active till 4am almost everyday and become worried as she never had been,not that i ever paid much attention but snooped and her FB page was on lock down friends list hidden ect.
W then became more distant, her looks changed to what our D would wear, lost alot of weight was more worried about her looks ect.I had a sickening gut feling something was going on.
A few weeks later my suspisions were confirmed and i found out about the "friend" at work.So i called her at 3am when i saw her online and she was a different woman brushed me off told me that she was talking to her girlfriend and how dare i call her and embarrass her like i did,was very angry??!
The next day we spoke and i mentioned the friend and she new straight away who i was talking about and said its notbing, then blocked me from all social media on the spot.
A few weeks later i snooped on ber phone and found some of the pics and messages of what they were going to do to each other and was crushed.I made the fatal mistake of taking off with ber phone to find out bow it come about and she turned into a shedevil and said how dare i break her trust thats the worst thing anyone could do to someone???!!! I was confronted her about the EA and she laughed in my face and said it was just friends having a bit of fun!!
Since that day ive again made all the mistakes begging,chasing,trying to fix things ect with negative effects.

So ive been in this sitch with her for 7months now all she does is lie even about things she doesnt have to.
I visited recently and found a letter to OM announcing her love for him and that she had the best times with him and would never forget what they bad tovether but shes moving on and leaving the ball in his court..He obviously vot what he wanted and rejected her after a few month PA.I confonted her with the letter and again she went nuts wouldnt admit to anything and said nothing was going on,also physically abused me.
Theres alot more to the story but ill keep it short for now.
She is a COMPLETLY different person now doesnt come to see me anymore,always had an excuse to not talk(headache ect) Pretty sure becauss frienxs have snooped that shes now sexting a few guys now two of which are my friends o e being her sisters x.
I dont know what to do.I love her so much and dont want our family to be torn apart but she just does not care about anything other than herself.I made all the mistakes in the last 7 months you could possibly make.
Currently trying to GAL and not contact her at all unless she initiates.
All she asks
for is money and if i question it blames me for everything and brings up every thing ive ever done to upset her in our marriage.As far as i new we had a good marriage.She treats me terrible now and has no respect at all.
Its like she has turned into a sexually driven person and is loving the attention of any sleezeball.
She definately a WW and seems to be coached by her younger girlfriend and OM in how to act towards the marriage and how her life should be.She says we are just having a break and she needs space to work on her and get over the years of anger she has built up towards me and for me to leave her alone,says she loves me kisses me when we do see each other sometimes has sex and other times wont.When she messages says i love you aswell,but has also said she doesnt love me like she did years ago.I dont know what to believe anymore.Shes really cold and distant when we are together as a family and sits on her phone the whole time messaging id say other guys because she wont show me anything.She constantly lies and manipulates me and i feel like a doormat.
Im not sure if i can wake her up will DB and going dark ect do anything to help my sitch.
Apologies for for being all over the place explaining things i cannot funtion atm and am a destroyed h.
I would appreciate any advice especially from Sandy and would be happy to talk about the specifics of my sitch.
PLEASE help me.She was such a nice woman and a great mother and wife until she started hanging out with her girlfriend,which i found out actually set W and OM up.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

So the first principle you have to come to grips with is you have to let get go to get her back. My sitch was a lot like yours except my W immediately started talking D. And I caught it before it went to a PA.

Also you have to use tough love. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be a party girl but still have faithful H to provide.

You have to tell her you are moving on. That you'll pay the bills and that's it. Cut her off and start making her see what lide without you is like.

Id recommend talking to a lawyer.

Detach. GAL. Stop calling her let her call you. No R talks. Remove all pursuit and pressure. Do things with D without her

You'll have to be a man and take respect back. But that's your only hope.

One word of caution. If she is physically abusive she is capable of anything. Including trying to frame you for abuse. Do not take the bait. And please proceed with caution.

Hi Bombs. I'm prob the last person to give advice now, as I'm going through similar stuff.

Like Steve said, be very careful regarding the 'abuse'. Maybe get some type of voice activated recorder, and have it on you when you're alone with her. I'm no lawyer, but I've had friends who's wives filed a bogus abuse charge against them, and they were ordered to leave the house.

It is heartbreaking, and amazing that so many women (and a lot of men) will completely destroy the lives of everyone around them in order to be 'happy'. It's the height of selfishness and immaturity, but unfortunately that seems to be the society we live in now.

Sorry you're here man.

Last Resort Technique:
1. Stop Pursuit - if you have to ask "is this pursuit?" then the answer is yes and don't do it.
2. GAL - get a life, seriously do it.
3. Wait and see what happens - take stock of what works and what doesn't. The small consistent changes will matter most.

Your W is acting like a different person b/c she is a different person. You broke the trust? W. T. F. She was cheating. She just wants to turn it on your so that it's not her fault. You're the bad guy, she's victim. Boohoo poor me. Piss off cheater (don't actually say this, but it's OK to think it). Do not soften the truth for her, she did what she did and she knows it. If you soften, she will take advantage and turn it on you.

If she is wanting a "break" from the marriage, she doesn't get to keep your support and money as part of it. Seriously, talk to a lawyer and PROTECT yourself. You buying a pushover and giving her financial support where it's not legally required will hurt you. You won't "nice her" back to the marriage. If you give her everything she wants, let her walk all over you, and let her "have her cake and eat it too" she will never change.

I wouldn't go dark yet.

Get tested, your sleeping with her and she is sleeping with other people. I wouldn't continue to do kiss her, have sex, or tell her you love her while she is involved with OM. You need proof - real, solid proof + action to back it up before you believe it's over and you want to get back with her. She will try to half-ass this, but you have to draw the line. The line can't be moved either, or you'll appear weak and she will stomp your guts and walk all over you.

Lastly, you are NOT a destroyed H. You are a strong man, with many desirable qualities. The biggest one I see so far is guts. You have the guts to work on this and fix it. Remember that, and use that as your strength when you feel weak. Work on you, get better, and find those strong qualities inside of you that attracted your W and other women in the first place.

Oh and if she is saying you are physically abusive, I'd record convos to protect yourself. Get any guns out of the house for the time being. I did this - just keep 1 or 2 with you.

Hi Steve
Thanks for the advice im pretty much doing all of what you said,im sorry that you are going through something similar its the worst!!!
How can W completely forget about everything we have been through and treat me so low!!! its hard to comprehend.
She cares about nothing else except for her OM/guys so frustrating!!!
Ive FINALLY become aware of how manipulative she has become but still occasionally fall for her traps and lies.Argh!!!

Hi T.Sorry you are going through it too man it [censored]!! Your advice and thoughts on anything would be a big help to me.
I toatally agree with you 7months on and its still not sinking in what W has done and how different she is.
Im getting a recorder asap.Its strange that i feel bad for recording her i dont want to hurt the marrige anymore by doing what sems to be sneaky stuff,bjt in saying that W has become the sneaky, lying manipulative type so i guess its fir the best.
A month ago she had come to see me on her own and had a few drinks at dinner,was way over the limit to drive.
We bad an argument over her texting other guys in front of me so she grabbed her car keys and we t to leave fir the 4hr drive home.I tried to stop her and tried to take the cars keys from her,as soon as i touched her hand she freaked out and threatened to call the police??!!! 5min prior she had punched me in the face for asking her not to message her OM while she was spending time with me!! Her behaviours are alien like atm.
I calmed her down and said she could stay the night but was to leave first thing in the morning and i dont want to talk or see her again.In the morning she initiated sex and acted like nothing had even happened?? She has never acfedike this

hi ovrrnbw
Thanks man its a nightmare im still hoping to wake up from but its my reality now and have to deal with it.
You hit the nail on the head about the W.
When i snooped i found out about a few guys she been i EA with possible PA.She has only admitted to the first one due to me seeing the actual pics and messages but would not admit to th PA.I bring it up and she flips out saying things like it never happened but as im accuing her she may as well do it.Shes become a .B#$ch Has said sorry but yeah did not mean it at all.I honestly can see that theres no possible way that we can get back to a relationship and sort things out atm. I really love and she is my soulmate.All i can do is GAL and see what happens.Appreciate your imput into my sitch and am thankful i have support from others.

Fell for it again.
So W was supposed to come up on the weekend to spend some time with me.For the past fortnight havent called or messaged her,have been positive when she calls(each night after work),dont ask about her or any questions about r,also ended the call insted of trying to keep her on the phone to hear her voice.
She seemed a little more intrested and started asking about my day and what it involved,she still says i love you and ill call you tomorrow.
I asked her about what was happening and if she was still coming up to see me(i had previously said to her i dont want to see you and D at the same time as i dont want to fight and argue in front of her anymore) she aggreed.,W said shes not sure as she doesnt have the money and knows we are going to argue...fml usual repsonse. I said id put in some money for her to come and see me and said im o er the r talks if she wants to come up hang out and have a goodtime cool,if not im fine with that also.she said ok well in that case ill come up.
On the day she was supposed to come up she messaged in the morning and said she had a terrible headache and wasnt sure now,shell leave it a few hrs to see if it went,but if it doesnt she come up in a fortnight with our daughter and stay an extra couple of days to make it up to me. Shes used the headache excuse multiple times already over the last 7 months.
I was angry and wasnt sure what to message back.I knew she knew me and that i would respond in dissapointment and i stupidly did saying no good about the headache and i kind of knew this was going to happen.She said i know we are going to fight is all.I said you dont know that will happen at all and i know that you just dont want to spend time with me because you are over me and our marriage (bit of manipulating on my behalf i know)
Called her instead of messaging and said you dont know what will happen if you come up ect..and she said she did "see we are fighting now on the phone" She had gotten the reaction out of me and i played right into it,i stupidly said im sick of her manipulating me and treating me like a doormat and wont put up with it anymore i dont like being used by her.She threw a few lovely words at me then hung up.
Hasnt contacted me in a few days now so i guess i blew it again!!!! She knows me too well and plays the game to trap me so she an justify to herself what she doing with the other guys.How can i change this behaviour and idk.Why is she punishing me she must know that this is ripping me apart.
I really feel like giving up,i cant compete with the OM(her PA) and guys(EA possibly PA)shes lost in this fantasy world and is unreachable to me.Living 4 hrs away is so hard as i know she is seeing other man.My friends update me occasionally from what they see on her social media,she knows they would be telling me things its like she wants them to,its a thrill to her.
So hard to work through this when she obviously is done....why does she say things like i love you,we will get through this and everything will be ok,we are just having a break...not a forever break. Im such a fool and believe her idk.Trying to GAL but dont even want to get out of bed!!!

She is using sex to placate you and keep you where she wants you. Don't give in. Hope you wore a rubber, might want to get tested.

Document the times she has assaulted you. Has anyone else seen her do this? It may matter down the road. Keep your cool at all times b/c she might be trying to instigate you and screw you over royally.

If she hits you, walk away and let her sit alone. An affair is an affair, no need to bring up the details with her. By the way she reacted, it surely got physical.

Start putting your own best interests first, she has no problem doing this and neither should you.

Let me get this straight. She cheated....you confronted her and she laughs in your face. Then what? Rinse and repeat?

Has she had any consequences in the relationship with you, due to her cheating, lying, etc.? Have you separated, stopped sleeping with her, or enforced other boundaries?

I agree that she disrespects you terribly. You have put up with her terrible treatment for 7 months. Why are you begging, pleading and fighting with someone who doesn't want you? I mean, even if you love her, why do you want to be with a woman who doesn't love you? I'm just trying to find out what type of man you are, and how you feel about these matters.

I am a former wayward W. So, I will tell you upfront that waywardness comes from a lack of respect. Your W doesn't respect the MR, and she doesn't respect her H. Maybe this has been building (her failing respect for you) and you just ignored it. She will not be that loving woman you once knew, until she feels respect for you as a man. As long as you are willing to live with whatever she dishes out, nothing will change. Most of all, her heart will not change. Her treatment toward you will not get better. She will go from man to man, and expect you to continue financing her lifestyle. She'll throw you a few crumbs every now & then, just to keep the money coming. But the weekend trips will get fewer and fewer.

You have a very serious situation, but there's a chance the M can be saved. You need to do a lot of reading that is provided in the Newcomers forum. Have you read everything Cadet posted on his page? It has valuable information that will help you get started DBing.

Post every chance you get. This will likely get worse before it gets better, but this is the best place to be during such a time.

Originally Posted by bombs

I bring it up and she flips out saying things like it never happened but as I'm accuing her she may as well do it.

It sounds like she's trying to justify her behaviour to herself by blaming you. She wants a reaction from you.

Rise above it and stay very, very calm. Take the moral high-ground. One day she'll realise what a mistake she's made by which time you may have moved on and she will try hard to get back with you.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

She is using sex to placate you and keep you where she wants you. Don't give in. Hope you wore a rubber, might want to get tested.

Document the times she has assaulted you. Has anyone else seen her do this? It may matter down the road. Keep your cool at all times b/c she might be trying to instigate you and screw you over royally.

If she hits you, walk away and let her sit alone. An affair is an affair, no need to bring up the details with her. By the way she reacted, it surely got physical.

Start putting your own best interests first, she has no problem doing this and neither should you.

Hi ovrrnbw.Yes i agree but somehow cant say no to her,she is/was my wife.

It has stopped in the last month so no need to fight the urge anymore.The last time she assaulted me was unfortunately in front of D ...which tore me up and the D.
I usually sit there ,dont react and try to get out of her way.
I try not to ask about the A but i think i deserve answers and the truth above all but she has only admitted to what i saw and even then says im making stuff up.Im a details man so i guess i want to find out who were when and how,i cannot switch my brain off to that.Thanks for your interest in my thread its really appreciated,need all the help atm.

Hi Sandi..
I have read your story and i brought alot of hope to me but you sound like a strong woman which my W surely isnt atm as far as any remorse or guilt.
Yes W laughed in my face (blushing) saying they were only friends having some fun!!!! i explained thats stupid and no friends do that....didnt register in ber mind.
We live 4hrs apart and only see each other one weekend a fortnight,(and yes yiur right the kast mongh or two she has an excuse at the last minute not to come,or comes as late as possible)what consequences is there for that. I begged and done all things wrong and W knew that i was there and took full advantage knowing i wasn't going anywhere,i said i forgive her this once but she has to stop all contact with OM.Sbe simply refused and said so i cant even hve friends now,see your controlling me again.
I love her and she is my soulmate i cant give up on her and our lives together.Our D is terminally ill aswell so i want to keep the family together.
Also i think im a codependent from my own family issues growing up.Parents seperated and i was placed in homes,foster care ect..Had little self esteem from that until W came along and that went away somewhat,but i was always a bit needy seeking reassurance that i was good enough and W was happy with me.
I see W has lost all respect for me and uses me as a doormat but am scared if i do the wrong thing the MR is completly over,but i cant change her decisions only my own which is tough atm.I go good for a few days then ask about R again and back to sqaure one.
Thanks i will read up on cadets threads and by DB book.
Im really thankful that yourve taken an interest in my sitch and could really use your help in gaining something out of this nightmare.
It already looks and feels over to me idk why i cant let go? W says its just a break and things will work out,she still says i love you on the phone aswell...probably breads crumbs as you say.

Hi David.Thanks for your input and yes thats exactly what she is doing, i fall for it everytime aswell...such a fool.

Yes im hoping to regain my confidence and move on with my life and take care of D..I really want to save this and for her to come to her senses,give it my best shot.

So its been 4 days since the last argument and any contact....WW usually calls every day !!! fighting the urge to call or send a message, its hard and is still as paimful as day one.
Stuggling with the images, thoughts of what shes doing and where she is with who.
Convinced myself there is no chance AT ALL of anything getting better between us and saving our marriage,she simply isnt intrested at all.

bombs, so what our your GAL plans for today? You are still to focused on her, what are you doing for you?

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

Quote

It has stopped in the last month so no need to fight the urge anymore.The last time she assaulted me was unfortunately in front of D ...which tore me up and the D.
I usually sit there ,dont react and try to get out of her way.

Our society is seeing more & more H's being physically abused in their MR's. Like most boys, you were probably taught that hitting a girl was wrong. It's wrong, no matter who does the swinging. Any type of domestic violence is damaging, especially to children. May I ask how long this type of treatment has lasted, and why she though she could assault you without any retaliation? Have you ever called the police during one of these occasions?

Have you considered speaking with a lawyer, just to know your options.....especially where you daughter is concerned?

Quote

I try not to ask about the A but i think i deserve answers and the truth above all but she has only admitted to what i saw and even then says im making stuff up.Im a details man so i guess i want to find out who were when and how,i cannot switch my brain off to that.

Of course you deserve to know the truth and have the answers to your questions! Don't treat her like she's some queen and you're a lowly servant who just gets whatever she decides. Life is short and you should be treated with love and respect by the woman you married. She is setting such a terrible example before her little girl.

I'm so sorry for the pain you experienced growing up, as well as now. I encourage you to seek counseling during this trying time. I hope you'll stick around, b/c there are some really good people on the board. You might search for a poster named Vanilla. She got out of an abusive MR, and she's a sharp cookie about this stuff.

You may be crushed bro, but you are far from helpless. In what universe is how she's treating you acceptable.

Its time to cut her off 100%!! Time to be a freaking man!! No woman in her right mind wants to be with someone who is acting like you are!! She is sexting with your friends for god sake!!

Step 1. Tell her adios baby I'm Done with you!! Have a nice life and good luck.
Step 2. Get a Life better put Start doing cool [censored]
Step 3. Sit back and watch the train wreck that is her life from afar. She will come crawling back someday and at that point you can decide whether to take her back or not.

Each Step must be followed for the one after it to occur....you dig?

Originally Posted by Steve85

bombs, so what our your GAL plans for today? You are still to focused on her, what are you doing for you?

Its so hard to not focus on her she is in my head 24/7 everything around me reminds me of her.
Today i have work which takes up most of my time. ( W helped set up buisness,there are reminders of her everywhere though)
Eat dinner and hangout with some friends then bed.
Been checking out some clubs in the local area to keep my mind busy also will resume gym in the next few days.

Originally Posted by sandi2

Life is short and you should be treated with love and respect by the woman you married.

Thanks Sandi, my W left saying she doesn't love me and has "no respect whatsoever" for me.

Quote

She is setting such a terrible example before her little girl.

There's a song I keep hearing on the radio Manic Street Preachers - If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next. Wise words.

You cannot allow your self to be emasculated any further!!!

Take back the roll as the family leader and a man! Father your daughter properly. Be someone that she looks up to.

I know you're scared! I was scared to death also! You never know how strong you are until you've been punched in the face! Dig deep, get out of your feels, and man up. Your waw will only come back to you when she sees that you have reverted back to the strong confident man she fell in love with...you can do it, you must!!!

Endofit has the right of things.

Don't say stuff like "I can't turn her down, she's my wife", b/c she turned you down. It's back to basics here. She threw the W title out the window. That title is gone. Forget about it. Time to GAL and get this cheater out of your head. You'll start to wonder why you worried so much in the first place - trust me.

Originally Posted by endofit

You may be crushed bro, but you are far from helpless. In what universe is how she's treating you acceptable.

Its time to cut her off 100%!! Time to be a freaking man!! No woman in her right mind wants to be with someone who is acting like you are!! She is sexting with your friends for god sake!!

Step 1. Tell her adios baby I'm Done with you!! Have a nice life and good luck.
Step 2. Get a Life better put Start doing cool [censored]
Step 3. Sit back and watch the train wreck that is her life from afar. She will come crawling back someday and at that point you can decide whether to take her back or not.

Each Step must be followed for the one after it to occur....you dig?

Thanks for the wake up call endofit.
I agree with everything that you said!!
Still struggle with the whole sitch and keep falling back into denial,its clear that ive become weak and a shell of the man i once was. Time to move on and GAL GAL GAL!!

Originally Posted by endofit

You cannot allow your self to be emasculated any further!!!

Take back the roll as the family leader and a man! Father your daughter properly. Be someone that she looks up to.

I know you're scared! I was scared to death also! You never know how strong you are until you've been punched in the face! Dig deep, get out of your feels, and man up. Your waw will only come back to you when she sees that you have reverted back to the strong confident man she fell in love with...you can do it, you must!!!

Thanks endofit!!! I know what i have to do however its easier said than done.Baby steps and take each day as it comes.

ovrrnbw...thanks for that,appreciate the support.

Ah its a knife to the heart when you find out off D that W is with OM today having coffee. D believes it's not like that due to OM being family friends for so long.W lies alot to everyone(especially me and D) to dodge exposure and loss of good girl status i guess.
D is beginning to tell lies aswell,its disheartening to say the least im a firm believer in truths.
It seems like all hope is lost as far as the marriage...duh i knew that 7months ago but my heart wont match up with my brain wtf!
W was/is?? such a beautiful soul,honest loving and caring for 20yrs.
W is going to her younger girlfriends place tonight(i know OM will be there)and leaving D at IL again.
I know i cant change anything, just needed to vent to people that are in the same hell as i am.

No contact from W for a week now.

Question.
W says months ago(just after bd) im a bad father and i need to look after D and her better than i do. I asked W what are the problems you have with me and what could make things easier for us to get back to a good place and start workibg things out....W says WE need money and I need space(thats when i realized im just being used)
I am currently putting x amont in W account for D each week,though D13 tells me she doesnt recieve much of it at all.
Should i put a small amount in W account for food for D and the rest in a seperate account for D when she needs it? iys an obvious question i know,but i feel as though im paying for W to enjoy time with OM. W seems to spend money on herself.
Am i being petty or does W have to see what life is without me? D's IL live 200meters away and feed D everyday also provide anything for D that im not told about anymore.

Bit of snooping again...which always stirs powerful emotions!!
Pretty sure W didnt go to her friends lastnight with OM but went to concert with him instead and stayed over his place.
Dont know 100%.I spoke to D yesterday and she brought up the story of her mum going to friends lastnight which she doesnt normally do..W has told daughter to lie to me before,thinking this was another one of those times.
Just want to know the truth even if its worst case senario...why doesnt W just say it so i can move on with my life and end this pain instead of keeping me on a string? So many lies!!!!

It [censored] being the only one not knowing anything !!! I feel like such a chump..Its hard to db or GAL or anything really with no contact from W at all,we always have told each other things and kept in contact...Nothing makes sense anymore!!

Amazingly i still love W and want to work things out someday but She is just too far gone i think and will never look back or feel anything for me again.

So pissed atm!!! Im sick of being a f#@#$g doormat.

Bombs,

you are getting played so hard. Everything you type is about her. Your W is not the same person you married, don't you see that? She is cheating right? Would you have married her if you knew that was going to happen?

Does your W work? You need to talk to a lawyer about cutting off funds. Do that this week please. Then be strong, you're not going to "nice her" back to the MR.

Your WW said "WE" need money. AKA she needs the money. But, but, but.... "she" needs space. She wants your money and for you to go away so she can sleep with the OM and have fun. And so far you are being a quiet little mouse.

Quit worrying about "getting the truth". You're getting lied to, sooooo "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". REMEMBER THIS SAYING.

GAL should be easy without contact from your cheating wife - make it happen. You are so attached to her and I can see it from outer space, I guarantee your WW knows which is why she told you to piss off and pay her.

Find your strength and let go of this terrible person, she isn't going to magically become nice overnight and want to come back to the MR. You need to detach. Reread Cadet's links.

Hi ovrrnbw
Yeah i know man,unfortunately im thick and delusional in thinking my W was different somehow lol.
She can be pretty convincing about not sleeping with anyone but all the signs point in that direction.

WW works, ive never asked how much she earns, though its not enough to cover the bills and her current lifestyle.
The problem with cutting her off is im paying half the rent for the house we lived in together,D is still there with WW .
D can live at IL. I dont want my D to look at me as crappy father(W and MIL have already painted a grim portrait of me)D seems brainwashed.
9months ago i was the best SIL,father ect ect in the MIL eyes but now im the scum of the earth since her D betrayed me.

The last i spoke to WW i told her im sick of being manipulated,lied to,and being used,treated like a doormat....she had some choice words then hung up...no contact since!!
I would have still married W but would of treated her better than i did,i totally see me mistakes in the marriage and really wished she would have stayed and worked things out with me,pretty sure that boat has sailed forever.

Yeah i know its bugging me to no end not knowing what the hell is going on in her life with who,but i know theres nothing i can do to get the truth from her...atm she would convince me the sky full of flying pigs and i would believe her...ugh...but i know shes full of chit!!! lol i cant believe she has such a hold on me...i guess its because i love her so much!! quiet silly how one can be decieved so much in the name of love.

I agree with you 100% Im so transparent atm its ridiculous!!!! Shes all over me,always is two steps ahead too.

I want to let her go,i know she is being influenced by her divorced/single friends and her evil best friend(no excuses for WW but she can be easily led by others)

I know many LBS ask this question....ill go there too lol.Should i just give up on WW or fight for our marriage,a new R with her.I dont like this new selfish person she is but i know there is something left of the old her tucked away somewhere.

From reading my sitch....am i flogging a dead horse? Despite whats happened i still love her and kind of feel sorry for her that she cant see that shes fcking her own life up aswell as our D's.
I love the woman and want to save our R by Db ect...I know its her decision and cant do a damn thing about it but has anyone seen a bad sitch like mine turn around and have a happy ever after?

I think im in dreamland though right ?

Thanks for your input ovrrnbw as usual you put my chaotic brain into focus again.
I really need support of others in this place,i would chime in on others threads but am in no position to give any advice as i dont know what the hell to do in my own crisis atm,but i really wish all the best to everyone in their darkest hrs and hope for the best outcomes for you all.

How do i find cadets links and sitch from day one?

I was thinking of putting enough money in WW account for food(D eats at IL 99% of the time)
and giving D a bankcard for whatever she needs,cutting the wive out of the picture.
That would pisss the W off as she would stuggle without the help from me.It feels like im being spiteful though... but yeah she needs to deal with the mess she has created on her own i guess.
Worried it will push her that bit closer towards OM, and blame me even more about not being there to support my family.
Who am i kidding it cant get much worse!

Originally Posted by bombs

I was thinking of putting enough money in WW account for food(D eats at IL 99% of the time)
and giving D a bankcard for whatever she needs,cutting the wive out of the picture.
That would pisss the W off as she would stuggle without the help from me.It feels like im being spiteful though... but yeah she needs to deal with the mess she has created on her own i guess.
Worried it will push her that bit closer towards OM, and blame me even more about not being there to support my family.
Who am i kidding it cant get much worse!

So you think you can pay her to stay away from OM? How has that been working so far?

Hi Steve
lol nothing will keep her away from OM/Men shes a social media whore now,loooves the attention off anyone willing to show it..i know that im dense but not dumb.
I meant stop paying her to keep her afloat...i love her so much but kind of want to see her sitch fall apart.

Originally Posted by bombs

Hi Steve
lol nothing will keep her away from OM/Men shes a social media whore now,loooves the attention off anyone willing to show it..i know that im dense but not dumb.
I meant stop paying her to keep her afloat...i love her so much but kind of want to see her sitch fall apart.

I think you missed the point:

You said: "Worried it will push her that bit closer towards OM, and blame me even more about not being there to support my family."

Sounds like it can't get any worse, so why keep paying her to do what she is doing?

Thats true...i get it.
Will she ever come out of the fog...i mean we had 20yrs together does that mean nothing to her at all now.

Who knows if she'll come out of it or not. She hasn't truly forgotten about those 20 years, but her fog is the opposite of yours.

She may come out of it if you allow her to though.

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

Who knows if she'll come out of it or not. She hasn't truly forgotten about those 20 years, but her fog is the opposite of yours.

She may come out of it if you allow her to though.

Hi ovrrnbw
Thanks for that,theres no contact at all between us now...things are looking pretty bleak
feels like she is gooonne for good.
I know GAL...Its hard and im definately not ready to let go but i feel like the punchline of her and her friends,O/M joke...
I get so anxious and somewhat annoyed when i do talk to her though..I dont but do want her still lol.

Saw C today....
She said W will come around and its just a temporary thing that is going on,just use a bit of reverse psychology on her...I feel im getting far better guidence from you folks that are in the trenches with me.

The struggle is real!!

Decided to cut all money from W .
When she contacts me about it im going to say
1. it was her decision to live this way and i will no longer be helping finance her new life.
2. D will get a bank card for anything she needs.
As much as i want to mention her moving on with someone else i wont!!

I have some questions for Sandi i hope you read this...
How do i find the balance to let W know that i care and want to be with her without being clingy or needy and being strong letting her know im not her little B#%ch anymore?

Should i just leave her and D alone and not pursue seeing D but rather wait till D wants to see me.Its clear in my mind D is on mums side(i hate saying like its W against myself)
I message D all the time but barely get a reply.
Im pretty sure D lies for W and hides the truth from me which breaks my heart.I use to see MIL do the same thing to FIL .
Wife had become a product of her environment and now D is following in the family tradition aswell...D and W knows i cant stand liars,is that a reason why they both do lie to me fear of being called out for lying?

Are things that screwed up at this point i dont know what whether this is all just a waste of time and i should give up and walk away.

Hey bombs, just get lawyer�s advice regarding money cuts. You need to get your respect back so you must be 100% convinced of the actions you�ll take. Remember you only control what you do. Your D is your D and is a child. Maybe she is living in a toxic environment but is part of your duties to care after her.

Keep DB. Detach. Be patient. Stand strong!

Originally Posted by bombs

Saw C today....
She said W will come around and its just a temporary thing that is going on,just use a bit of reverse psychology on her...

What reverse psychology were you advised to use?

Thanks neffer.
I have no problem supporting my D I love providing for her and the family.
But dont think i should be paying for WW crap,she is not providong for D with moneys i send through.

I know i can't change that,however it does p##s me off!!
D has become really distant the last few weeks,i know she knows who this OM is i guess she wont tell me to protect my feelings.How can a 13yr old have more sense and compassion than a 35yr woman?!!
Anyway keep on keeping on.
Thanks for your support.

Originally Posted by DavidUK

Originally Posted by bombs

Saw C today....
She said W will come around and its just a temporary thing that is going on,just use a bit of reverse psychology on her...

What reverse psychology were you advised to use?

Hi David.
Lol C said to ignore W and get another woman to make her jealous,that will shake her out of her PA...had some similar DB ing info aswell.
Wont be taking that road though apart from DBing..still cannot get over W ,Dont know how she can be soo cold now but we have no contact so the pain is ever so slowly leaving my heart.
Its still tough to go through the day without the thoughts and triggers but thats life i guess. Wish i had a gem to pass on to you from C but i think you already knew it wouldnt be so.

Received a call from W and D wishimg me happy fathers day.
Blood pressure went up talking to W lol..However it was great to hear from D.
Guess i was happy not hearing from W for so long,hearing her voice and how happy she sounded was somewhat painful and triggered some emotions.
Going to a beautiful national park today with a friend then dinner tonight,which im looking forward to.

Keep GAL! Good!

Originally Posted by bombs

Saw C today....

Decided to cut all money from W .
When she contacts me about it im going to say
1. it was her decision to live this way and i will no longer be helping finance her new life.
2. D will get a bank card for anything she needs.
As much as i want to mention her moving on with someone else i wont!!

Let's set aside the wisdom of your approach from a DB perspective and focus on the legal perspective. It isn't a good move from a legal perspective. You are always better off telling someone in advance if you are going to make a drastic change like that. If you don't, you'll come across to the court as manipulative and cruel. In addition, if you make more money than she does by a significant measure, then you'll owe support for some period of time. Best get an idea of what that amount is and give your W access to that amount of money. Where people hurt themselves legally is when they give their spouse more money than they are legally required to give and it ends up setting a precedent for the future.

Quote

I have some questions for Sandi i hope you read this...
How do i find the balance to let W know that i care and want to be with her without being clingy or needy and being strong letting her know im not her little B#%ch anymore?

When dealing with a wayward W, you can't let her know that you care and want to be with her. That is why any form of pursuit puts you back, b/c you give your hand away by letting her see (by your pursuing actions) that you want her. I realize this may shock you to read, but I am telling you that no wayward W is going to change as long as her H is trying to show her how much he cares and wants her back. Therefore, get that notion out of your head. It is CRITICAL that you show no needy/clingy behavior. Becoming a strong, confident man who does not fear his W.....is all you'll need in order to show her you won't be her little b'tch anymore. When you stop being controlled by whatever she thinks...�..then you'll be on your way to becoming your own man.

My suggestion is that you stop fighting to get her back. Instead, let her go. Let go of your feelings.....the need to control; the need to snoop; the need to satisfy her demands; the need to have her in your life; etc. Just let it all go. In it's place, you focus on building a new and better life for yourself. Take classes about relationships; read books or take classes that will teach you how to have confidence and/or improve whatever has been lacking the past few years; Learn about the alpha vs beta male; google search about the meaning of "dominant male"; get out and go where there will be people; spend time with male buddies (who have no connection to your WW); volunteer to help others; do what you enjoy. You need nobody's permission or approval. Am I telling you to file for a divorce? No, not if you don't want it. However, if she files for one, it's not the end of the world. There is life after a D.

I don't give the advice to start dating in order to make the W jealous. B/c the LBH is very vulnerable and is at risk for a rebound relationship. We have cases right now where the LBH is still legally M and interested in an OW. I don't think it is necessary to date just to make your WW jealous. Your counselor is kind of on the right track, b/c WW's are usually jealous......simply b/c they are so selfish. However, complicating your life with another woman is probably not what you need at this time. You'd be surprised just how quickly a LBH can jump from his M to OW, b/c of his vulnerability. The problem is that you would probably make the same mistakes again with someone else.....if you don't first take this time frame to work on you becoming the best version of yourself. As a former WW, I can honestly say that if my H had dumped me...�..it would have worked in yanking my tail out of the fog real quick! And, he would not have had to date another woman to do it. You may be ready to date later, but I wouldn't jump into it just to cause jealously in your W.

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Should i just leave her and D alone and not pursue seeing D but rather wait till D wants to see me.Its clear in my mind D is on mums side(i hate saying like its W against myself)
I message D all the time but barely get a reply.
Im pretty sure D lies for W and hides the truth from me which breaks my heart.I use to see MIL do the same thing to FIL .

Yes, leave your WW alone, Don't leave D15 alone. They are not the same and should never be seen as the same issue. Truth is that D15 is at risk to learn negative things from her mother. She is caught in the middle, and she's the one having to live with the mother. However, girls are influenced by both parents. D15 needs her father, whether or not the mother ever will. D15 is going to get fed up with her mother's lack of concern, lies, and bs. Don't try to pin her down to get information about her mother. You need to create a relationship with D15 that is just the two of you. Don't make the R with your daughter about her mother. Just talk about D15's needs, her school, her activities, etc. And listen to her. Really HEAR what she says. What are you saying in your texts? Are you texting while she is in school?

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Wife had become a product of her environment and now D is following in the family tradition aswell...D and W knows i cant stand liars,is that a reason why they both do lie to me fear of being called out for lying?

I urge you to be careful lumping your daughter's fate into that of your W. We all are products of our environment, as to how we have been influenced. As adults, we cannot allow it to become an excuse for bad behavior. Influenced or not, we have free volition. Obviously, you must have believed the best about your W when you M her. Wasn't it after you had been away working that all of the trouble started? I understand the concern, I really do. (My grandchildren were in a very similar stitch). As long as daddy has contact with his children, he can influence them for good. Even if D15 is close to her mom, she can still have a R with you. Even if it appears that her mom's negative influence is larger at the moment......it doesn't mean it will always be this way. I was extremely close to my mother, and people would say I was a copy of her. But it was my father's influence that had the stronger impact overall. And, that's not to take anything away from my mother's role, b/c they both were wonderful parents. My sister, raised by the same parents, in the same environment......chose not to always live by the same values/principles until much later in her life. Bottom line, influence plays an important part, but we still have free volition. So, don't give up on D15.

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Decided to cut all money from W .
When she contacts me about it im going to say
1. it was her decision to live this way and i will no longer be helping finance her new life.
2. D will get a bank card for anything she needs.
As much as i want to mention her moving on with someone else i wont!!

Well, it may be too late to express my two cents worth, but I will. First, it's JMHO that a 15 year old girl would have to be exceptionally mature in order to handle a bank card responsibly. I mean, how tempting would that be for a teenage girl to go without food, in order to get the latest fashion trend? Secondly, it will pit the daughter against the mother. Maybe that is what you had in mind, IDK. I don't think you should continue to finance your W's lifestyle, but I think giving her the amount the state would order for child support is a better system. If she spends it all, then she gets no more from you until the next scheduled payment. Rent, utilities, and non-eatable products fall under child support. I don't mean you have to pay for everything, but I'm just saying that it would be difficult to separate some of the things. You should not have to say what's what if you send a lump sum and tell her that is all she gets until the next payment. Make sense? That might save arguments, tears, threats, etc. Plus, it gives up a lot of your control over what she buys with the money.

Lastly, let me give you these thoughts. Don't make decisions that are punitive in nature. It will not serve you well. Yes, she chose this lifestyle, but it won't help you to throw it up in her face. Just b/c you read the words on the board, doesn't mean you should repeat the same words to her. Know what I mean? In fact, this new decision, if carried out, may open up a floodgate of troubles for you. So, in the future, you might want to run your thoughts by the board before making a final decision. ((hugs))