Hi,
W and I have been married almost 17 years. No kids together, she has 2 D's from her first M and I have 1 S from my first marriage. I love my inlaws more than my own parents. Get along great with her brother. My family is broken at best, so I kept my family away from our marriage.
Lost my job after a hard fight to keep it in May 2016. I did not deal with that until recently. Spent 1.5 years being unemployed/underemployed. Eventually lost our savings and our house. I fell off ladder and broke my arm in Oct 17. W had been struggling with female issues for a bit, and had a total hysterectomy in Feb 18 (doing HRT but not sure if it is the right dosage or working). I had shoulder replacement due to my fall on May 2, 2018. It has been pain free, and fixed a shoulder issue that I had been dealing with for years.
I can think of only one time we actually fought and that was about 7 years ago. We never insulted or humiliated each other. We just existed. Had bouts of happiness. Would ask if things were ok and they would be. Figured if we are not fighting and are ok, then we are ok. Now realize we needed communication skills pretty badly. Communication with her was always rational regardless.
I did spend a lot of time on computer playing games. There are times where she wanted to go to a work function or hang out with friends/family, and I would not go. (something i have tried to tell her I am more than willing to do now, but she doesnt beleive me and wont give me chance).
Wife told me she loved me but was not in love with me a few weeks ago. This rocked my world. On top of that, she told me she doesnt even feel like we are friends; she's almost 50 and not sure what she has; spent her life taking care of everyone else and is tired.
Our finances are not terrible and need a little help, but can be taken care of fairly quickly with some consolidation and sale of some assets. Over the past year i did rack up 8K of credit card debt. She never stopped me - said it was a sign of something else (was told this recently).
I know I need to work on myself, and I know I will never live like we have been the past 2 years. She says it will just go back to the same thing eventually.
I started counseling 2 days after the bomb dropped. I asked if we could go to marriage counseling and she said yes. She said she picked a counselor and was waiting on a time.
I had asked if there was an affair going on. She denied. A few days later learned there has been one - some sort of sex act involved but claims it wasnt vaginal because she still has stictches coming out from hysterectomy.
I think i blew up the affair after confronting OM and telling his wife. However, they still work in the same building and not sure if OM and his wife are trying to work it out - by telling her I some how became the bad guy in all this.
My W agreed to meet with my counselor last week. Today learned she will not talk to him again, and that couples counseling is not on her agenda anymore. She wants a D but has not filed...
I wrote a letter, went to the house, and read it to her. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said she was not prepared to talk and would call me tomorrow. I handed her the letter and some other papers she needed signed. I then took off my wedding ring, for the first time in almost 17 years, and handed that to her. I turned around and drove back to this extended stay hotel.
I'm not sure why i am posting this. I can't afford coaching right now cause i can barely afford to live here. Guess I'm feeling lonely or sad for myself.
I do know that I do not want the relationship we had. I want a new one with Jesus as the foundation. I have things I have been and will continue to work on, but its hard. If we had went to counseling before (she never asked or i would have), I feel like I would be ok with all this. But I never got a chance to understand, much less fix, what is going on, and it doesnt appear I ever will.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hornsfa- Sorry that you are in this position - but welcome to the board. My first suggestion would be to get the DR book and read it secondly read all the links that Cadet posted. You will find some AMAZING people here with incredible insight. Learn how to navigate these difficult times. You need to start focussing on yourself- Practice self care and Stay well!!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry that you are here, but LoneWlf is right about the great people on the board.
It's always easier to see other people's situations than it is to see your own. From the outside, your situation seems pretty understandable.
You lost your job, you played computer games all day and didn't go out when your wife asked you, you racked up credit card debt. You were most likely depressed, and living with a depressed spouse can really wear one down if one doesn't have excellent self-care skills and strong self-differentiation.
I know the temptation is to focus on the affair, but you can't control that, and that's not the root cause of the problem.
The good news is, you have a lot of work you can do on yourself. Keep your focus there, and work hard to not obsess about what your wife says, or thinks, or whether she notices your changes.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Sorry you are here as well.
You need to focus on yourself. Depression is a serious problem and it sounds like you have a lot of work to keep doing on yourself. Talking with an IC is a great step. Do you have any short term goals (about you, not the R)?
Also, why did you move out of the house rather than her? I ask because I did the same thing and think it was a mistake on my part.
Hang in there. You will get some great advice on these boards. You might not always like it, but it will be honest and helpful if you really listen.
Hornfa, welcome to a great site with many great people that will offer you support and advice.
I read your OP and it is strikingly similar to my sitch. You can read my sitch starting here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778449#Post2778449You are obviously in a very bleak place. And it is easy to feel that way, but let some time pass. Read all of Cadet's links. That homework is crucial.
My W, under pressure on BD, agreed to MC. And then quickly backed down from that in the days following BD. The counselor I picked to do IC with (who also does MC) encouraged her to attend the first session. That way if she started attending later she didn't feel it was a team up against her. She ended up going to all sessions following that.
Couple of things. Do not tell her you are willing to change, going to change, or have changed. Just do it. Actions speak louder than words. In fact, actions are the only way to speak around changes since she will not believe your words. This is why our writing a letter and reading it to her had/has little effect.
Let me repeat, you can not talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. And you will only end up frustrated if you try.
So read cadet's stuff. Detach (please study what that means, it doesn't mean ignoring her or going dark), 180s (institute changes that got you where you are, and 180 on any behavior that works against you not for you), GAL (this one is huge, I'll explain in a moment), and be the best you can be, be the H your W would be a fool to leave.
Getting a life is a huge key to potential success. The temptation after BD is for the LBH to want to spend more time with, talk more with, and include in more things their WAW. This is the exact opposite of what your W wants right now. Right now she wants time and space. Give it to her. You get out and do things with other people. You stay busy, stay active, start working out and eating right.
Another thing to remember, remain patient. It will take time and you need to remember that. You can't fix in days what it took years to get into. So remain patient.
Detach and give her space, GAL, institute 180s, and be the best you can be. That's what you can control right now, not her. And read sandi's rules. Learn them, memorize them, and adhere to them.
It will and does get better. Try to relax and get sleep. I know after BD I don't think I slept more than 3 hours at a time.
Thank you Lonewlf - I appreciate your kind words and look forward to chatting with you.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you Cadet, I will do my best to implement this.
Hello and welcome. Please read DR as soon as you get a chance, it'll give you a lot of insight into why your M ended up where it did and what you can do about it. First please understand that it probably took your W months or even years to get to this point and there is no "magic trick" that's going to "put things back to normal". There is a good chance of saving your M but it is a lot of hard work and takes a lot of time- many months or even a year or more.
Your story is all too familiar to many of us. My ex was approaching 50 when I was BD'd and my story is similar to yours as far as our M being on autopilot, us fighting very rarely (maybe half a dozen times in 20 years), her going through menopause triggered by a partial hysterectomy, her feeling like she always took care of the kids and just needed some "her" time for a change. In my ex's case she became a completely different person, transformed into someone I didn't even recognize. Not mean or angry or anything, just different. Different interests, different focus (more on herself and being independent). So you're not so much trying to save your old M, but rather adapt to your W's new personality and work on yourself to perhaps attract her to a new M with a new you.
I will say that reading your sitch about you being unemployed for so long and turning to video games and such that it sounds like you've become VERY beta and were very dependent on her. That is not at all attractive to women, they are attracted to alpha qualities. So get in shape, lose weight if you need to, spruce up your wardrobe, wear cologne, get your hair styled. Get out and GAL. Become strong and independent. Try to get a job somewhere. Get busy. I understand your finances are limited but do what you can.
My W agreed to meet with my counselor last week. Today learned she will not talk to him again, and that couples counseling is not on her agenda anymore. She wants a D but has not filed...
Don't pressure her for counseling. Don't talk to her about the marriage AT ALL. Just pull back and give her time and space. Listen when she speaks, don't talk yourself. Just listen and validate what she says. Remove all pressure and most of the time the WAS will stop pursuing D. Read Sandi's rules every day! That is your template for how to behave.
I wrote a letter, went to the house, and read it to her.
I really wish you had found us sooner, DO NOT GIVE HER LETTERS!! No emails, no texts, no calls. Leave her be, right now she wants to be as far from you as possible. This is hard to believe, but she is probably repulsed by you. She CAN get over this but she has got to get over it on her own and on her timeline.
I then took off my wedding ring, for the first time in almost 17 years, and handed that to her. I turned around and drove back to this extended stay hotel.
Why did you leave the house? She is the one that wants to split, she is the one that should leave if she can't stand being around you.
I am sorry that you are here, but LoneWlf is right about the great people on the board.
It's always easier to see other people's situations than it is to see your own. From the outside, your situation seems pretty understandable.
You lost your job, you played computer games all day and didn't go out when your wife asked you, you racked up credit card debt. You were most likely depressed, and living with a depressed spouse can really wear one down if one doesn't have excellent self-care skills and strong self-differentiation.
I know the temptation is to focus on the affair, but you can't control that, and that's not the root cause of the problem.
The good news is, you have a lot of work you can do on yourself. Keep your focus there, and work hard to not obsess about what your wife says, or thinks, or whether she notices your changes.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Thank you Rose, I appreciate it. I am going to drown myself in a part time job also. I do ok during the day. It's at night when I feel the pain because I hope she snaps out of this and sees we were both at fault for not communicating and being depressed, and it is something that can be fixed.
I haven't had time to reply to everyone's posts and I will.
This situation just came up.
As I mentioned, I racked up some credit card debt and so did she. So in order to get it paid down quick, I applied for and got a consolidation loan. I had told her I was going to do this last week, part because i need to do it, and part to show her I was serious about fixing the financial stress I caused. She asked if I would pay her back for her 401k loan she took years ago when we bought the house we lost. At that time, I said yes, even though that cut me to the core because I lost some of my 401k too...
And to sell our house, because it was heading to foreclosure, we had to borrow 5K from her parents. She has only paid them 100 back. Again, in an effort to get her to see I am trying, I told her I would try to pay her parents back with this loan.
So the lender was supposed to deposit the loan in MY checking account. Instead they deposited it in hers. She just told me she transferred it to my account.
I am a man of my word, I promise. But the way she has treated me this past few weeks makes me wonder if it even matters I use part of this loan to repay her and her parents right now, or wait until later.
What do you folks suggest? I don't want to play games with her, but since the BD, she has been so mean... so cold hearted, so uncaring about anything to do with me.
Do I use my loan to pay her and her parents back now, or do I wait until the divorce is filed?
Sorry you are here as well.
You need to focus on yourself. Depression is a serious problem and it sounds like you have a lot of work to keep doing on yourself. Talking with an IC is a great step. Do you have any short term goals (about you, not the R)?
Also, why did you move out of the house rather than her? I ask because I did the same thing and think it was a mistake on my part.
Hang in there. You will get some great advice on these boards. You might not always like it, but it will be honest and helpful if you really listen.
Thank you DavidE. I moved out because we were renting from one of her friends. The only thing I want thats in that house is her and our other dog. She can keep/sell/trash everything left. I have everything I need with me here.
Hornfa, welcome to a great site with many great people that will offer you support and advice.
I read your OP and it is strikingly similar to my sitch. You can read my sitch starting here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778449#Post2778449You are obviously in a very bleak place. And it is easy to feel that way, but let some time pass. Read all of Cadet's links. That homework is crucial.
My W, under pressure on BD, agreed to MC. And then quickly backed down from that in the days following BD. The counselor I picked to do IC with (who also does MC) encouraged her to attend the first session. That way if she started attending later she didn't feel it was a team up against her. She ended up going to all sessions following that.
Couple of things. Do not tell her you are willing to change, going to change, or have changed. Just do it. Actions speak louder than words. In fact, actions are the only way to speak around changes since she will not believe your words. This is why our writing a letter and reading it to her had/has little effect.
Let me repeat, you can not talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. And you will only end up frustrated if you try.
So read cadet's stuff. Detach (please study what that means, it doesn't mean ignoring her or going dark), 180s (institute changes that got you where you are, and 180 on any behavior that works against you not for you), GAL (this one is huge, I'll explain in a moment), and be the best you can be, be the H your W would be a fool to leave.
Getting a life is a huge key to potential success. The temptation after BD is for the LBH to want to spend more time with, talk more with, and include in more things their WAW. This is the exact opposite of what your W wants right now. Right now she wants time and space. Give it to her. You get out and do things with other people. You stay busy, stay active, start working out and eating right.
Another thing to remember, remain patient. It will take time and you need to remember that. You can't fix in days what it took years to get into. So remain patient.
Detach and give her space, GAL, institute 180s, and be the best you can be. That's what you can control right now, not her. And read sandi's rules. Learn them, memorize them, and adhere to them.
It will and does get better. Try to relax and get sleep. I know after BD I don't think I slept more than 3 hours at a time.
Thank you Steve85. I will read your your sitch as soon as i can. I appreciate your support and hope I can return the same.
I am going to go ahead and pay 1/2 of the $5K we borrowed to her parents. Not going to do anything else at this point with the loan money.
So here is where I am now...
My last day at the extended stay hotel was last night but they would have let me stay one more night. The apartment that was available to me would be ready tomorrow (Friday). I was going to sign a six month lease, plus pet deposits/rent. So i get back to the hotel and do the math.
I know the issues she is dealing with are 1A me and 1B our finances, coupled with the MLC and I suspect not enough HRT from her hysterectomy in Feb. Plus I did blow up her affair and I tend to believe she has not had much contact with him since then.
So, when I saw the math for me to live in an apt, and compared that monthly cost to the bills I know about, I broke no contact and told her we needed to have a face to face about our finances and my apartment. She agreed.
We met and I had several spreadsheets showing bills, the consolidation loan i took out, and how various scenarios played out. It was probably the best conversation we had in weeks. She agreed to let me back in the house. And she still wanted the divorce. So I told her as a token of good faith, I would fill out the papers for her (we are not contesting anything thats worth lawyers being involved) and told her she could take the filing fee out of my account. I filled out the papers last night... not sure if she took the money or not.
So at least i am back in the house... here is where I need some feedback please.
Just a few texts all day - and they all seemed good spirited and included some lol's. She told me she was in meetings all day and could not update her bills spreadsheets, and I told her I was in no hurry (I am) and would wait for her to get some time.
It was bulk pickup day, so I got as much out of the garage and to the curb so she could park her car in the garage. I did not do this for thanks or any other reason - I had a broke arm and could not do it previously. So I got enough done for her to get into the garage.
When she got home, she did not park in the garage. I did not hear her come in, but i heard her shut her bedroom door. So i got up and saw it was shut and asked if she was ok. She said yes. When she opened the door after changing clothes, I told her I did not want her feeling uncomfortable, and if I needed to close my door I would. She didnt say anything. I told her to have a good night and left.
I needed something from my car and thats when I found out she did not park in the garage. I got what i needed, came back in, asked for her car keys, pulled her car into the garage, gave her keys back, and told her have a good night again.
She made no promises last night. She told me to imagine her feelings were in a bucket... that she gave and gave and her bucket is empty for me. I told her I understand why she feels that way, and I want to try to refill that bucket. She knows that I will not stop trying until the ink is dry. And last night, I could tell she was processing what I was saying about how we never even tried to fix this with counseling.
So, not sure what to think, what to do. One of our problems in the past was we come home from work and are exhausted and would lay in bed. I've decided that before I get in bed, I will go for a walk. I have not asked her to walk with me for a few weeks since the answer was always no, but it made me want to tell her just get dressed. we dont have to talk. We just have to walk.
Any thoughts/suggestions?
Looks like she fell asleep around 9. I woke up at midnight to let our dogs out and I could see she was on her phone.
I am sure some of you will say I am pursuing/pushing by what I did next, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time ti try and establish a boundary for myself (she refuses to discuss them).
I walked in and laid down on my side of the bed and told her that if that she was just going to avoid me and treat me like she did when she came home, I might as well go ahead and move out. During the talk 2 nights ago, I told her things were already uncomfortable enough, and while my intent was to save us alot of money, I felt like she was trying to avoid me by sneaking in the house, and if that was how she was going to act everytime she came home, I might as well move back out.
I told her when the BD, I would have taken 90% of the blame for our marriage dying, but as I laid there in that bed with her, and after the past few weeks, it was only 60%. I asked her if she even considered doing anything in the letter I gave her on Monday and she said "what is the point?" I told her the point was she originally said we could, and 2 weeks later she won't... she wanted me to be a friend and now she doesn't... and she was so far ahead of me in checking out of this thing, and we both have unresolved issues that need to be discussed or else we are just going to repeat the same thing with our next relationships (ie NOT TALKING). You wanted me to be a friend and now you don't - the only thing that has changed is I appear to be doing better in getting my life under control (finding extra jobs to pay debt I incurred (8k), getting back in shape, and going to counseling for myself.
I asked her if I invited her for my evening walk last night, would she have came with me and her response was I dont know. I told her in her heart the answer was no, so that was the answer (trying to show her I can stand up for myself).
I am really really considering just going ahead and moving out, incurring those costs, and just take care of my debt, so when it comes time to decide, I can show what I did to address what I created and how hard I worked while being separated from her... but that doesnt save my marriage - she had mentioned she wants to break the lease on this house (and I do too, but not going to) in August instead of November. Breaking the lease is really not going to help either one of us when it comes time for getting a new house, which is one of my goals next 1-2 years.
One thing I forgot to mention - I asked if her counselor had asked to talk to me, or if not, if I could talk to her counselor. She said her counselor had not asked to talk to me, and remained silent if I could talk to her counselor.
Personally, I think the only counseling she has been to was with me, to my counselor, and of course he stepped on her toes, and shes probably mad.
Hornsfa, welcome here. The good news is you have found the right place. The Usual Suspects have clued you in and it would be wise to listen. Read the book. Read the links.
During DB we all make mistakes. It happens. Just get back to doing the right stuff.
That said, in your last few posts I read several things that constitute pursuing. Don't do it. Learn what it is and don't. This is important and even though it is instinctual it will only drive her away. Don't ask her about IC. don't ask her about anything personal.
You will find that your sitch is not that different from ours. Many of these women freak at 50. Mine did.
Your feelings will change with time. Your instincts will most likely be wrong. Read and post and trust the people on here to tell you what works.
You asked for thoughts.
A lot of pursuit.
Way too little patience.
Some things that come across as controlling. No, you shouldn't tell her she has to go on a walk with you. You shouldn't tell her you know what the answer in her heart is.
Have you read Divorce Remedy?
Hornsfa, welcome here. The good news is you have found the right place. The Usual Suspects have clued you in and it would be wise to listen. Read the book. Read the links.
During DB we all make mistakes. It happens. Just get back to doing the right stuff.
That said, in your last few posts I read several things that constitute pursuing. Don't do it. Learn what it is and don't. This is important and even though it is instinctual it will only drive her away. Don't ask her about IC. don't ask her about anything personal.
You will find that your sitch is not that different from ours. Many of these women freak at 50. Mine did.
Your feelings will change with time. Your instincts will most likely be wrong. Read and post and trust the people on here to tell you what works.
RR17,
Thank you for your thoughts. I do have DR and have been reading it, along with reading most if not all of the links. Its all so overwhelming, and I feel like I am losing time due to all my years of NOT communicating. I do feel a little better this AM, feel like maybe half a foot further down the road
And for someone whose instincts have usually been correct (ie discovering affair when she denied), I want to trust them... and I have to learn when it comes to W, I cannot.
You asked for thoughts.
A lot of pursuit.
Way too little patience.
Some things that come across as controlling. No, you shouldn't tell her she has to go on a walk with you. You shouldn't tell her you know what the answer in her heart is.
Have you read Divorce Remedy?
Rose,
You are right. I do see the pursuit, but I also admit I feel like I am losing the battle against time.
I do realize there is nothing in her heart for me at all right now. I've been trying to appeal to the head instead. I know she is listening because I know her facial expressions. I can tell when she is processing.. disagreeing... agreeing on things I say.
I have DR and have been reading it for the past few days. Skipping around as MWD suggests for info that may be benefit my situation. And also reading links here. I do feel like I am making some progress in learning what to do, but reading all this info and trying to adapt it is overwhelming.
Thank you for your thoughts!
Oh man. Well you are going about this all wrong and in the process you are just pushing her farther and farther away. No more R talks, no more laying on the bed next to her, no more asking for her keys and pulling her car in the garage, no more clearing space so she can have a spot in the garage, THIS ALL HAS TO STOP. It is all pursuit behavior, and it is all applying pressure. SHE WANTS ZERO PRESSURE FROM YOU. She is sick and tired of you, you may even repulse her. That probably hurts to hear but it is true right now. Her feelings CAN change, but it's going to take a long time and patience. Read DR. Read Sandi's rules several times a day. LIVE THOSE RULES.
Its all so overwhelming, and I feel like I am losing time due to all my years of NOT communicating.
It's too late to do the stuff you are doing. You can't fix it now by showering her with love, in fact you will only make things worse. You've got to quit listening to your internal voice because it is telling you to pursue, do favors, "fix" all the wrongs and that voice is 100% wrong. DB'ing is counter-intuitive. It is very difficult to embrace at first because it is the opposite of your internal voice. But it's your best chance.
Rose,
You are right. I do see the pursuit, but I also admit I feel like I am losing the battle against time.
This is like saying, I am running out of time to get out of the hole I am in, so I need to dig the hole deeper.
Pursuit will not help. It will push her away.
Your situation is very new, right? You joined on 6/2, and you said she had bomb dropped you a few weeks ago.
But you expect that after a few weeks of you making changes, and within a day or two of moving back into the house, your wife has to feel or behave in a certain way or you are moving back out?
How does that show her you are a man only a fool would leave?
One of the posters says it's consistent changes over time that turns things around.
Your situation is still way too new.
You are expecting the unreasonable.
Also, I know you think you know what she is thinking, because you know her facial expressions, but if you tell her what she is thinking, you remove the opportunity for her to have second thoughts, modify her initial reactions, grow, change. It kills any chance for her to build a new marriage with you.
You need to dig deep and find patience. Bring this up with your individual counselor.
Rose,
You are right. I do see the pursuit, but I also admit I feel like I am losing the battle against time.
This is like saying, I am running out of time to get out of the hole I am in, so I need to dig the hole deeper.
Pursuit will not help. It will push her away.
Your situation is very new, right? You joined on 6/2, and you said she had bomb dropped you a few weeks ago.
But you expect that after a few weeks of you making changes, and within a day or two of moving back into the house, your wife has to feel or behave in a certain way or you are moving back out?
How does that show her you are a man only a fool would leave?
One of the posters says it's consistent changes over time that turns things around.
Your situation is still way too new.
You are expecting the unreasonable.
Also, I know you think you know what she is thinking, because you know her facial expressions, but if you tell her what she is thinking, you remove the opportunity for her to have second thoughts, modify her initial reactions, grow, change. It kills any chance for her to build a new marriage with you.
You need to dig deep and find patience. Bring this up with your individual counselor.
Thank you Rose - yes, I need to just go all in. She will notice changes this evening when she gets home. I am going straight to LRT.
Oh man. Well you are going about this all wrong and in the process you are just pushing her farther and farther away. No more R talks, no more laying on the bed next to her, no more asking for her keys and pulling her car in the garage, no more clearing space so she can have a spot in the garage, THIS ALL HAS TO STOP. It is all pursuit behavior, and it is all applying pressure. SHE WANTS ZERO PRESSURE FROM YOU. She is sick and tired of you, you may even repulse her. That probably hurts to hear but it is true right now. Her feelings CAN change, but it's going to take a long time and patience. Read DR. Read Sandi's rules several times a day. LIVE THOSE RULES.
Its all so overwhelming, and I feel like I am losing time due to all my years of NOT communicating.
It's too late to do the stuff you are doing. You can't fix it now by showering her with love, in fact you will only make things worse. You've got to quit listening to your internal voice because it is telling you to pursue, do favors, "fix" all the wrongs and that voice is 100% wrong. DB'ing is counter-intuitive. It is very difficult to embrace at first because it is the opposite of your internal voice. But it's your best chance.
Thank you - you are right and I am fooling myself. I need to gather the strength I KNOW I have and start using it. I am going to LRT right now. I do appreciate your comments!
LRT? Why? There's a lot of space between pursuit and LRT. Why not spend some time there?
Drop the rope.
Work on you.
You can not fix this until she is ready. That doesn't mean until you make her ready. She will be ready soonest if you follow the stuff in here.
The methods here are not a luxury slow method. They are what has been proven time and time again in hundreds of sitchs.
Yes, it is hard. Yes you will feel like crap. We have most all been or are there currently. You also can do it.
You filled out the papers for her? Do you want a divorce? Why would you help her with that?
You filled out the papers for her? Do you want a divorce? Why would you help her with that?
I know I know... I wanted her to feel comfortable mainly, and to let her know I agree with her our marriage is dead, but I believe we can have a new and better relationship.
Over the past few years I've had a history of not doing things I should have done, or told her I would do. I needed to keep my word on that one. Ive learned I also need to keep my mouth shut so stuff like that doesn't fly out again
She told me last night she did not do anything with the papers. Plus there is a lot she still has to do...
But as of 060818, 1200 PM - I am in full LRT mode.
I appreciate your thoughts!
LRT? Why? There's a lot of space between pursuit and LRT. Why not spend some time there?
Because I am overwhelmed and I can't see the space clearly, plus in chapter 6 of DR, some of those criteria are present to start it.
I believe LRT is going to benefit me right now more than anything else. Let's hope I am right
Thank you for your thoughts - I do really appreciate them!
You filled out the papers for her? Do you want a divorce? Why would you help her with that?
I know I know... I wanted her to feel comfortable mainly, and to let her know I agree with her our marriage is dead, but I believe we can have a new and better relationship.
Over the past few years I've had a history of not doing things I should have done, or told her I would do. I needed to keep my word on that one. Ive learned I also need to keep my mouth shut so stuff like that doesn't fly out again
She told me last night she did not do anything with the papers. Plus there is a lot she still has to do...
But as of 060818, 1200 PM - I am in full LRT mode.
I appreciate your thoughts!
You can always change your mind. It's not like you vowed before hundreds of people to get a divorce.
Don't help do this if it isn't what you want. You aren't going to be able to make her feel comfortable by accomplishing tasks for her.
You filled out the papers for her? Do you want a divorce? Why would you help her with that?
I know I know... I wanted her to feel comfortable mainly, and to let her know I agree with her our marriage is dead, but I believe we can have a new and better relationship.
Over the past few years I've had a history of not doing things I should have done, or told her I would do. I needed to keep my word on that one. Ive learned I also need to keep my mouth shut so stuff like that doesn't fly out again
She told me last night she did not do anything with the papers. Plus there is a lot she still has to do...
But as of 060818, 1200 PM - I am in full LRT mode.
I appreciate your thoughts!
NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) to the max. You're afraid to rock the boat. Well she isn't. Go read No More Mr Nice Guy as soon as possible.
Your word was to be there for life, so was hers.
Your word on a lesser issue can change. I'd make a habit of taking time if you don't know how to respond rather than making a quick response you change later.
You filled out the papers for her? Do you want a divorce? Why would you help her with that?
I know I know... I wanted her to feel comfortable mainly, and to let her know I agree with her our marriage is dead, but I believe we can have a new and better relationship.
Over the past few years I've had a history of not doing things I should have done, or told her I would do. I needed to keep my word on that one. Ive learned I also need to keep my mouth shut so stuff like that doesn't fly out again
She told me last night she did not do anything with the papers. Plus there is a lot she still has to do...
But as of 060818, 1200 PM - I am in full LRT mode.
I appreciate your thoughts!
NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) to the max. You're afraid to rock the boat. Well she isn't. Go read No More Mr Nice Guy as soon as possible.
Your word was to be there for life, so was hers.
Your word on a lesser issue can change. I'd make a habit of taking time if you don't know how to respond rather than making a quick response you change later.
I agree with you on NGS and I have been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. It has helped me a bit. Thank you for your thoughts!
Here is today's events...
Our landlord called yesterday and mentioned our rent check hasn't made it to her yet. I asked the W and she said she mailed it on the 5th (ugh) and it usually makes it before the 7th. I told the landlord it was in the mail and the landlord told me she would only charge $100 in late fee if she gets the check today.
So I woke up early this AM, got ready, and went to take the check to the landlord. I said good bye and have a nice day as I passed her bedroom door. W had no idea what I was going to do. Dropped off the check with the landlord. Sent text to W asking her to please transfer the rent money due plus 100 for late fee to my account, as I had just taken care of the issue. I then went inside a sporting goods store to kill some time, and I left my phone in the car.
When I came back approximately 30 minutes later, I had 4 texts from her... and for the first time in our marriage, they were texts that felt like she was panicking. She sent OK then do i need to put a stop payment on it. About 15 minutes after I did not answer like I usually do, she resent the texts. Very out of character for her.
I told W the landlord and I agreed that we would give the check until monday evening to arrive. If it arrived by then, the landlord would simply tear up the late check. If it did not arrive before Monday, then we would put a stop pay on it. I then asked if we were late or close to being late on any other bills and she said no.
I got a text from my wife saying she was not regretting letting me back in the house and thinks "we can learn to communicate. It will be ok." She was getting her hair cut and preparing for work trip that starts tomorrow. I thanked her for telling me that, and that I agreed, but it was clear we need help in doing so. I tried not to read a lot of hope into that statement. Then, she asked if i needed anything from the store. I told her I was going to go get a steak and potato and grill them for dinner, and said if you want me to cook for you, please bring enough for two.
We exchanged a few emoji texts. Havent done that in weeks.
When she got home, i helped unload the bags. I asked if she wanted to talk about the "learning to communicate" comment and she said yes but wanted to take a nap first.
When she woke up she came outside and we had the best conversation we have had in years. I asked her to clairify the "learn to communicate" comment. She meant just between us, not going to counseling. That bummed me out but I did not let her know it.
We both admitted we needed to communicate more and talked about past situations we had never talked about. She told me she has plans to move into an apartment on 9/1/18. That stung me but I did not let her know that. She also said she still wants D, and that our lives took different directions. I agreed with her and told her they can always reconverge. I did not want the conversation to end but I could tell she was getting of it so I ended it by asking her to please keep an open mind. She replied "I am trying". I heard that message loud and clear... And when I pray tonight, I will thank God for that message.
She brought 2 steaks and 2 potatoes. She only wanted the potato and that is ok. I still cooked it for her. She made a salad. we made our plates. She went to her room. I ate in the living room.
A few hours passed and the landlord texted me the rent check arrived and she shredded it.
I went to update my W and asked if I could pray with her. I kneeled beside the bed and During my prayer I thanked God for the best conversation we had in years, and to watch over her travels this week, and to help us communicate better. Said amen, and told her good night.
Knowing she already has a place to move in on 9/1/18 is killing me. And now I know my clock is running. And I know we have a lot of work to do, but I sure feel like I have to make enough progress before 9/1, or I will get left behind.
And it is hard - trying to not put too much faith into her saying she is trying to keep an open mind... I am not going to contact her at all this week while she is out of town. If she initiates contact, I will be deliberate in not responding in a timely fashion as she is used to. I know that will help with distancing and communcation. But Lord help me... I need her to keep her mind open and i need to be careful from here on out.
I am currently in LRT. I read the DR book and originally was going to keep my efforts a secret. After talking to a friend who is a marriage therapist I decided to give W the book and ask her to read the first 65 pages. The book is written for both people and does an excellent job of laying out the realities and influences of divorce. I would like to know why sharing the book (if you are in LRT) is disastrous. I can see how getting caught hiding it might look bad, but the most she will discover is that you will stop pursuing and get a life which she will notice anyway. I would agree about keeping your forum activity private.
Because she is not thinking the same way you are, and no book is going to change her way of looking at things.
She is not the same person who you married right now.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I like the way you handled the landlord issue. You acted to solve the problem and you didn't get emotional.
But the comment about your lives reconverging and asking to pray with your wife were very strong pursuit and exactly the sort of thing DB says you shouldn't do.
The praying thing is especially bad because it's as if you are trying to use God to help pursue her. No. Just no. Pray for her, but do it alone and without her knowing.
Rose I will respectfully disagree with you on the prayer. I feel that if she agreed -and if it was heartfelt prayers then I feel that although DBing says try to do things independent of each other-I feel this shows unification and allows them to put God before their R where He rightfully belongs. My 2cents.
Thanks Rose and Lone for the thoughts. I see both sides of the coin. In the future, I will leave out our relationship, but still thank Him, through prayer with her, for the conversation and her safe travels.
The W just left for the airport. This is the first time in years that I am not taking her. Despite our communication issues during these times, I always enjoyed dropping her off and picking her up from her trips. She yelled BYE down the hallway and I yelled back have a good trip and see you later!
The garage door just shut, and I cannot stop crying.
I've made some progress with my strength and confidence this week, but man... hearing that garage door shut... I did not expect this feeling at all.
Just venting... don't expect any response. Just getting it out so I can move on with my day. I feel like such a puss (sorry not to offend, but being honest with my emotions)
30 minutes later and I am OK with this. Over the past few weeks this would have ruined my day. And I just realized something. I was not snooping, it just caught my eye.
I was one to wear my ring 24-7 and did so until this past Monday as described in a previous post. My wife would take hers off at the end of the day and place it on a little glass ring holder.
I went into the bathroom yesterday and saw my ring there, not hers.
I went into the bathroom today, and the ring is there. That doesn't hurt me at all... but I do have to wonder...
Where was her ring yesterday? The optimistic side of me would like to think that she was wearing it while out and about... but the pessimist says she was trying to sell it.
LOL - When I get into my head, I get into my head REAL GOOD!
Wow Hornsda. Just wow.
I lost track of your sitch after the initial response but just caught up.
First you are NGS to the max. You will not nice her back. So you need to stop. Institute changes in NMMNG. re read it if you have to.
Second, you need to fix your signature. You didn't start LRT. What part of LRT has you offering to cook for her? Has you initiating R talks? (Yes asking her about communicating better is R talk)? Has you bailing her out on the rent? You aren't even DBing at this point let alone LRT!
Praying with her is pressure. LW is right to an extent but stop praying with her but keep praying for her.
Pressure will pressure her out the door. Pursuit will have her run away faster than anything.
Why do you think she texted 4 times while you were in the store? Could it be because since BD you respond immediately? Not responding right away is not pressure. And her reaction was to come towards you. That's what 4 texts are. That's how this works.
Also don't be so sure you blew up the affair. Cheaters are great at , after being caught, becoming even more covert. Business trips are one of their favorite ruses. Not trying to make you panic but her behavior is that of a WW that still has her attention elsewhere.
Take this time to do self reflection. And do the studying on DBing. It is your only hope for success at this point.
Extremely bad move Sunny!
The DR book in LRT is for you and only you! It is there to get you grounded to make authentic changes. If she knows what you're trying to do, you've just undermined your ability to be authentic about your changes and she will view everything with more suspicion.
now she knows your lack of pursuit is based on the book and not just an honest move on your part to get things to an equilibrium. I wish you had come here first before giving her the book.
the point is for her to notice your life changes as they come from a place of wonder and mystery. now she'll potentially think all of this is for her to start coming back to you, rather than wondering what is going on with you. giving her the playbook just kills the mystery and makes this process look calculated, rather than organic. Even if you stick to it and make those changes and they are organic, it will take a lot longer for her to take you seriously and not think that this is some recipe you're following and once she's back in, you'll revert back to how you were.
anyways, can't undo this now. wish you all the best. that's why all LBS should come here and post what they want to do, and what they're going to write in a letter etc etc. You have no way of discerning what's good and what's not in the beginning, esp cuz DB is counter intuitive to what your mind is telling you to do.
so, even though this is a bad mistake, continue on the DB journey and shut up about it and the book. see where it goes from here. LRT is called LRT for a reason and if you're at LRT, you don't show the other person your cards. This is not business as usual and she is not the same person as you knew her.
best of luck.
Extremely bad move Sunny!
The DR book in LRT is for you and only you! It is there to get you grounded to make authentic changes. If she knows what you're trying to do, you've just undermined your ability to be authentic about your changes and she will view everything with more suspicion.
now she knows your lack of pursuit is based on the book and not just an honest move on your part to get things to an equilibrium. I wish you had come here first before giving her the book.
the point is for her to notice your life changes as they come from a place of wonder and mystery. now she'll potentially think all of this is for her to start coming back to you, rather than wondering what is going on with you. giving her the playbook just kills the mystery and makes this process look calculated, rather than organic. Even if you stick to it and make those changes and they are organic, it will take a lot longer for her to take you seriously and not think that this is some recipe you're following and once she's back in, you'll revert back to how you were.
anyways, can't undo this now. wish you all the best. that's why all LBS should come here and post what they want to do, and what they're going to write in a letter etc etc. You have no way of discerning what's good and what's not in the beginning, esp cuz DB is counter intuitive to what your mind is telling you to do.
so, even though this is a bad mistake, continue on the DB journey and shut up about it and the book. see where it goes from here. LRT is called LRT for a reason and if you're at LRT, you don't show the other person your cards. This is not business as usual and she is not the same person as you knew her.
best of luck.
I did not give her a book. Not sure what you are talking about.
Extremely bad move Sunny!
The DR book in LRT is for you and only you! It is there to get you grounded to make authentic changes. If she knows what you're trying to do, you've just undermined your ability to be authentic about your changes and she will view everything with more suspicion.
now she knows your lack of pursuit is based on the book and not just an honest move on your part to get things to an equilibrium. I wish you had come here first before giving her the book.
the point is for her to notice your life changes as they come from a place of wonder and mystery. now she'll potentially think all of this is for her to start coming back to you, rather than wondering what is going on with you. giving her the playbook just kills the mystery and makes this process look calculated, rather than organic. Even if you stick to it and make those changes and they are organic, it will take a lot longer for her to take you seriously and not think that this is some recipe you're following and once she's back in, you'll revert back to how you were.
anyways, can't undo this now. wish you all the best. that's why all LBS should come here and post what they want to do, and what they're going to write in a letter etc etc. You have no way of discerning what's good and what's not in the beginning, esp cuz DB is counter intuitive to what your mind is telling you to do.
so, even though this is a bad mistake, continue on the DB journey and shut up about it and the book. see where it goes from here. LRT is called LRT for a reason and if you're at LRT, you don't show the other person your cards. This is not business as usual and she is not the same person as you knew her.
best of luck.
I did not give her a book. Not sure what you are talking about.
The way toy wordwd you decided to give her the book made it sound like you already had.
The DR book in LRT is for you and only you! It is there to get you grounded to make authentic changes. If she knows what you're trying to do, you've just undermined your ability to be authentic about your changes and she will view everything with more suspicion.
now she knows your lack of pursuit is based on the book and not just an honest move on your part to get things to an equilibrium. I wish you had come here first before giving her the book.
the point is for her to notice your life changes as they come from a place of wonder and mystery. now she'll potentially think all of this is for her to start coming back to you, rather than wondering what is going on with you. giving her the playbook just kills the mystery and makes this process look calculated, rather than organic. Even if you stick to it and make those changes and they are organic, it will take a lot longer for her to take you seriously and not think that this is some recipe you're following and once she's back in, you'll revert back to how you were.
This is one of the best explanations of why the LBH should not share the DB/DR book with his W.
The DR book in LRT is for you and only you! It is there to get you grounded to make authentic changes. If she knows what you're trying to do, you've just undermined your ability to be authentic about your changes and she will view everything with more suspicion.
now she knows your lack of pursuit is based on the book and not just an honest move on your part to get things to an equilibrium. I wish you had come here first before giving her the book.
the point is for her to notice your life changes as they come from a place of wonder and mystery. now she'll potentially think all of this is for her to start coming back to you, rather than wondering what is going on with you. giving her the playbook just kills the mystery and makes this process look calculated, rather than organic. Even if you stick to it and make those changes and they are organic, it will take a lot longer for her to take you seriously and not think that this is some recipe you're following and once she's back in, you'll revert back to how you were.
This is one of the best explanations of why the LBH should not share the DB/DR book with his W.
Ok folks - I DID NOT GIVE HER THE BOOK!!!!!! Where are yall reading that because she has no idea I am even reading the book!
Maika - please remove your post! You must have read someone else gave her the book and think I did... I am catching a lot of crap from your mistake. I'm having enough issues cleaning up my own, I don't need to clean up yours also.
Thank you.
I see it now - Maika was replying to MrSunny, not me. If an admin can please fix that for Maika I would appreciate it - it is derailing my thread.
Thank you.
I don't see anyone giving you crap.
Threads get derailed a bit sometimes. It happens. Just post something you want to talk about, and that usually will get it back on track.
I am currently in LRT. I read the DR book and originally was going to keep my efforts a secret. After talking to a friend who is a marriage therapist I decided to give W the book and ask her to read the first 65 pages. The book is written for both people and does an excellent job of laying out the realities and influences of divorce. I would like to know why sharing the book (if you are in LRT) is disastrous. I can see how getting caught hiding it might look bad, but the most she will discover is that you will stop pursuing and get a life which she will notice anyway. I would agree about keeping your forum activity private.
Hornsfa, it is a misunderstanding. SUNNY said he gave the book to his wife. Maika was referring to Mr. Sunny, not you.
Maika - please remove your post! You must have read someone else gave her the book and think I did... I am catching a lot of crap from your mistake. I'm having enough issues cleaning up my own, I don't need to clean up yours also.
Thank you.
OK some of this is my fault - I approved these posts on my phone and now that I look closer I did not realize that he hijacked your thread.
As always take the advice that you need and disregard the parts that do not apply
Also MrSunny can not remove his posts, only I can do that.
answered on his own thread here -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2794922#Post2794922
Hornsfa:
Firstly, as pointed out, I responded to a post by MrSunny who just made a really stupid error and posted about it after the fact in your thread. He most likely posted it incorrectly in your thread instead of his. Because it was such a dumb thing he did, I posted a response in your thread to him in case he would come back to see it. But, I also then posted it in his thread to make sure he saw it.
On another note, chill the f#$k out bro! Nobody is derailing your thread. As mentioned, post something else about your sitch or ask another question and this is all blown over. I am amused you're getting riled up about something so inane. People's threads get sidetracked once in a while and it's easy to correct it. Sit down, and take a f#$%ing break!
How serendipitous that you were considering doing the same as MrSunny - so at the least, you can take my words as a strong warning if you were leaning towards sharing DR/DB with your partner.
There's a lotta hurt and $hit that people go through here and getting your thread derailed, which it didn't, is the least of your worries. Also, nobody got on your case about it either, which is why this is even more ridiculous. I am sure you have more pressing problems. Post about it and let's chat.
Hornsfa:
Firstly, as pointed out, I responded to a post by MrSunny who just made a really stupid error and posted about it after the fact in your thread. He most likely posted it incorrectly in your thread instead of his. Because it was such a dumb thing he did, I posted a response in your thread to him in case he would come back to see it. But, I also then posted it in his thread to make sure he saw it.
On another note, chill the f#$k out bro! Nobody is derailing your thread. As mentioned, post something else about your sitch or ask another question and this is all blown over. I am amused you're getting riled up about something so inane. People's threads get sidetracked once in a while and it's easy to correct it. Sit down, and take a f#$%ing break!
How serendipitous that you were considering doing the same as MrSunny - so at the least, you can take my words as a strong warning if you were leaning towards sharing DR/DB with your partner.
There's a lotta hurt and $hit that people go through here and getting your thread derailed, which it didn't, is the least of your worries. Also, nobody got on your case about it either, which is why this is even more ridiculous. I am sure you have more pressing problems. Post about it and let's chat.
I disagree and I am past it.
Hornsfa, your reaction to that misunderstanding was pretty extreme. Is that something you have dealt with in handling your W? Just a question, since behavior online doesn't necessarily typify behavior IRL.
If you do react similarly in your MR then that is definitely one of the 180s that you can institute from this point forward. If not, then ignore this entire post.
What an absurd way to handle a minor transgression! LOL! If this is how you handle something so minor, I wonder how the hell do you actually manage something not going your way. Just this should give you great pause for reflection on how you reacted to something so minor.
Good luck with everything!
Dude shut the ##$%^ up. You were the one telling me to chill out... take your own medicine.
Hornsfa, your reaction to that misunderstanding was pretty extreme. Is that something you have dealt with in handling your W? Just a question, since behavior online doesn't necessarily typify behavior IRL.
If you do react similarly in your MR then that is definitely one of the 180s that you can institute from this point forward. If not, then ignore this entire post.
Steve,
No my behavior here is not typical of what my IRL demeanor is. I have never been this emotional in my entire life. I appreciate your suggestions and trying to move on. Thank you!
Okay! You didn't just cross the f$%^ing line, you sprinted across it. No one has forced you to be here on these forums. You came here out of your own volition. You can't handle simple basic communication skills, you're free to leave.
Just from this small interaction I can tell that you have zero ability for emotional regulation right now; you are unable to self-reflect on your own behavior; and have very poor conflict management and communication skills. I just gave you three things to start working on IRL.
Just because this is some anon forum it doesn't give you license to behave this way and I for one second don't believe you don't behave like this IRL.
You said you've been very emotional lately. Guess what - so has every single person on this forum at some point during their journey and rarely has anyone behaved in this way. So, you ain't special with your emotional problems - we all got them. But none of us are lashing out at other people here.
Get your $hit together and learn how to communicate with others here. Steve is highly patient and has a gentle heart. Me, I tolerate no fools in life any more. My time here is spent to share my insights and learnings so that others may avoid mistakes I made in my path. I have no interest in wasting my time with someone who isn't showing a modicum of decency and having knee-jerk reactions.
To state the obvious, I won't be posting in your thread. I am not being passive-aggressive, just have no interest after this. Nonetheless, I wish you the best in your journey and that you find DBing a useful way to get equilibrium and learn more about yourself. Good luck!
I appreciate your suggestions and trying to move on.
Don't Move ON - Move FORWARD.
Okay! You didn't just cross the f$%^ing line, you sprinted across it. No one has forced you to be here on these forums. You came here out of your own volition. You can't handle simple basic communication skills, you're free to leave.
Just from this small interaction I can tell that you have zero ability for emotional regulation right now; you are unable to self-reflect on your own behavior; and have very poor conflict management and communication skills. I just gave you three things to start working on IRL.
Just because this is some anon forum it doesn't give you license to behave this way and I for one second don't believe you don't behave like this IRL.
You said you've been very emotional lately. Guess what - so has every single person on this forum at some point during their journey and rarely has anyone behaved in this way. So, you ain't special with your emotional problems - we all got them. But none of us are lashing out at other people here.
Get your $hit together and learn how to communicate with others here. Steve is highly patient and has a gentle heart. Me, I tolerate no fools in life any more. My time here is spent to share my insights and learnings so that others may avoid mistakes I made in my path. I have no interest in wasting my time with someone who isn't showing a modicum of decency and having knee-jerk reactions.
To state the obvious, I won't be posting in your thread. I am not being passive-aggressive, just have no interest after this. Nonetheless, I wish you the best in your journey and that you find DBing a useful way to get equilibrium and learn more about yourself. Good luck!
Took you long enough. Good luck to you as well.
I appreciate your suggestions and trying to move on.
Don't Move ON - Move FORWARD.
Yes sir - exactly what I am doing. I appreciate your words.
Ok folks - I just got this months phone bill. She is still texting him after saying she was not. So not sure what to do with this information. Thoughts/suggestions appreciated.
Hornsfa, coupla things.
First, i am interested in your sitch, but you need to walk things back a bit in terms of demeanor. I can tell you from firsthand experience that emotions can naturally run pretty high for the folks on these forums-- after all, most of us are in what is probably the most emotionally taxing sitch we will ever find ourselves in! I recall when i was in your shoes, with a WW in the throes of an affair, how hard it was to hear criticism or even advice that i didn't 100% agree with or which challenged me in some way. I also recall having a hair trigger at times in terms of knee-jerk and immediately responding on the boards before thinking things out first. It's hard not to do with our bodies and minds in the "fight or flight" stance that they are in and likely have been in for weeks or months. I teach a legal writing class and i always tell my students to be careful with the written word-- it is a medium where man traditionally and historically has had the ability, call it a gift, even, of the medium, to be able to ponder what he has "said" and change or even retract it before it is transmitted to the recipient. Social media and the internet have made it easier to ignore that gift of the written word and throw it away. Dont! Consider what you are saying/writing before you hit that "submit" button. The anonymity of the internet makes it oh so much easier and tempting to shoot off something that we might regret later. I myself almost alienated and completely lost touch with one particular poster, Artista, whose insight and contributions ended up being invaluable to me in my journey towards reconcilliation with my W. Don't risk that kind of loss for the hollow satisfaction of venting.
Okay, sermon over. Now for the second thing: your W's continued contact with OM. Here, you need to read up on boundaries... what you are willing to accept and not accept in your journey forward and, if this is something you cannot accept (a violated boundary), what you are going to do about it. Will you establish that as a boundary with your W? How will you react/respond if she violates it? Sandi and others can chime in here as i was pretty crappy at this aspect of DB-ing, although i think in the end i managed to handle it well enough to get across the finish line
Best of luck... and calm down! The folks on here are all here to help you!
Get your $hit together and learn how to communicate with others here. Steve is highly patient and has a gentle heart. Me, I tolerate no fools in life any more. My time here is spent to share my insights and learnings so that others may avoid mistakes I made in my path. I have no interest in wasting my time with someone who isn't showing a modicum of decency and having knee-jerk reactions.
You are fuching awesome Maika. You are gonna have the world by the ball$!
I suspect th OM is making genuine attempt to break contact with my wife. She had been very sad the past few days. I want to ask about it but have not. Not sure what to do...
I suspect th OM is making genuine attempt to break contact with my wife. She had been very sad the past few days. I want to ask about it but have not. Not sure what to do...
Why give CPR to the dying affair? And who's to say a new OM won't replace the current?
Self focus.