My husband and I have been living apart for 3 years. It began because he worked 3rd shift and it was difficult to function. We made a studio apt. In a building we own together less than 1/4 mile from our home.
okay to recap, you guys have lived apart or he's had a man cave a block away for 3 years? Okay I'm not trying to bash you, so forgive me if I sound too skeptical or judgmental. I'm simply confused as to what the plan was for the family and marriage if you were effectively separated for so long. And adopting.
Did you guys both think it was temporary? If so, when was the planned end of this arrangement?
Because It just looks like he was living like a single guy but with a wife/mom for his son just down the street? And it looks like it was working fine for him until you discovered the OW, correct?
I don't want to harp on the past choices - but I do want to understand what the history is enough to be able to advise accordingly.
This summer we will be married 16 yrs. He has loved his new man cave and all his friends dropping by, burning the burn pile, lots of drinking, etc. The perfect place to ignore family, problems, responsibilities.
Is your h close to your son?
And can you give more background like what you both do for work, and your ages? Any medical problems in either of you?
What are the problems you think your h wanted to escape? What would HE say if he were here?
Things got more and more heated between us and I told him to go find someone else. Well, he took that ball and ran with it.
when was ^^^ this said? Were you tired of him living the single life while you lived the life of a single mom?
What would be different on a day to day basis, if he chooses OW?
More importunely, perhaps is, what would be different if he were to choose to recommit?
Fast forward, he began an emotional affair with a girl that hangs out at the dive bar he goes to every Friday night. I found her at his apt. 6 months ago, right when the affair turned physical.
He of course says he loves her, they have a connection, and although he loves me he's not in love w/me anymore. All classic stuff.
We have a good sex life and have continued that once a week throughout all of this.
there are many who will say "No sex until he's cleared of STD's." In some cases I agree.
Here, I would rather ask you "is staying intimate helping your relationship to repair? AND how are you feeling afterwards?"
Also to be clear, and recap - you discovered the OW in the apartment and confronted him then & there , correct?
So he did not come forward to disclose her, but then claimed that the affair only became physical when you discovered it? Did he express remorse?
While you believe that reconciling is the fix for this, you need to know it's only the beginning of a long process called "Piecing", which is harder than you can now imagine.
I say this^^ b/c when you are reeling from the discovery of an Affair, it's too difficult to see the big, long hard road in front of you.
He can't decide between the two of us.
well maybe his indecision IS a decision...
So you have a son and another child you are trying to adopt (reconsider that choice NOW if you cannot be a single parent.)
Viking, Let's get real. I believe in hope for troubled marriages.
I have seen some lasting reconciliations. I myself thought I was a success story for several years, and credit DBing with getting another decade of relative stability for my d's.
But the reality is that The odds are against you staying married in your situation.
Prepare yourself for this ^^^^ AND THEN move forward in your DB approach. Please listen to me on this one thing if nothing else...
prepare your finances and protect yourself legally, not just for you but for your son
Your h has already justified several crappy choices and besides, he can argue that he got permission from you. He may argue that your comment to find someone else was a result of some character flaw in YOU, not him.
And he will likely justify needing more money for his new life, perhaps without even consciously realizing it. He's gone from the family a whole lot now, and he's only a block or two away?? I mean, his "family time" priorities have been revealed.
Gird yourself for some ugly surprises. Slow down the adoption unless you truly believe you can manage parenting alone, b/c he may not bond with the baby -- but instead get his daddy fix while bonding instead, on OW's kids...
I know that^^^^ hurts and I am so sorry.
I've done a lot of pulling back after I said my piece and am trying to implement DB stuff. I think it helps here and there, but we"re 6 months into this now and I'm getting worn out.
I can understand this^^^. Not sure what pulling back means but I understand the whole feeling of being worn out.
What if it were to take another year for your h to "decide"? What if he changes his mind? I'm just saying that this is a marathon, not a sprint. And it's quite hard.
And finally, if he were to "wake up" tomorrow, are you truly ready for what would have to come later??
Is he likely to have a seismic change within, and want to do the work needed, and are you?
Sometimes when you are really down and feeling as if a divorce would be the worst thing possible,
ask yourself how different your daily life would be, given that he's a part timer now?
So you know, my h became part time commuting on weekends (after months of being away in Alaska, etc)
and my 3 biggest regrets are that 1) I was not fully present with my 3 kids when h and I were apart, b/c I was way too preoccupied with what H was doing / feeling or thinking
and
2) we did not piece well. Once we reconciled, my MIL got cancer and we shelved piecing. Plus, since I felt we had "fixed" things by reconciling - I did not press h to seek counseling on his own. Huge mistake.
I felt he had "learned" his lesson, but I was foolish to believe that.
I believed what I believed to validate my choice to stay. H did not seek out IC to figure out how he could leave me and our 2 d's then (s31 was off in college)
and h did not seek to understand how he could morally defend some very selfish choices. (*Then again, if h had gone to IC and been fully honest, who knows what he'd discover? Or what I'd have learned and decided?? Maybe that family was not THE priority to him, even though saying it out loud would have made him look bad. Maybe I'd have faced the face that while his wants were the focus of our family and the priority, we were pretty much an option for him...)*
3) I spent a lot of energy maintaining the illusion that my h had both feet all in to our marriage and family, when there was a lot of evidence to the contrary - like being a part time dad/h for a long time. FTR we once had a very good, possibly even "great" m, but the changes in our r were insidious and liquid like, so they were harder to notice while happening. Then you realize that they've had a foot out the door for awhile...
SMH at myself more lately.
I think your h regrets the "collateral damage" his choices cause, but not in a way that
YOU need (btw, you get to have needs, too) or that helps him man up and make a choice.
He is getting to eat a whole lot of cake.
He has a new job with a little better schedule. I want to keep my family together,
sorry but here is a gentle 2 x 4.
Viking, your family has not been together for 3 years. So my question is,
what difference will it make to you in terms of lifestyle, if he is with OW? Because you have to make a choice too.
Would have been "content" enough to go on like this in a part time marriage, endlessly, if not for the OW? Dig deep. Ego almost always plays a part in our choices and that does not mean we are wrong to have that, we have egos! But we have to scrutinize what we are working for and trying to save.
my husband and I love each other, I know it, but this girl and her two young kids are getting a more firm hold all the time.
OTOH he can't miss what he has, which is both of you. Time with her will reveal that she is human and thus, flawed.
and She may not be leaving anytime soon, so it's up to you to let the consequences of life be felt.
NOT that you are "teaching him a lesson' or punishing him. That is not your job. Life teaches the lessons. Let it. What are your boundaries?
So stop covering for him. Stop enabling. Give him something to miss.
I literally have not seen any couples reconcile without the LBS dropping the rope and beginning to move on.
In other words, not until the WAS realizes he could lose his marriage/family.
Stop the pursuit and be GAL busy, "too busy" to be intimate with these circumstances, and dp the whole mysterious part, the upbeat PMA
being a woman only a fool would leave. Again, Give him something to miss.
Let him wonder and fear losing you.
And set some boundaries, but only boundaries you will enforce. You may have to figure those out.
Also, we have a 12 yr old son who found out from a kid at school. We're also smack in the middle of adoption proceedings for our baby daughter who is now 1 1/2. Ugh...