I honestly don't know if this is the place for me. My marital troubles seem so different from others', but I also know that's because I lack perspective.
I'm 47, my wife is 43. We've been married for 17 years. We have no kids. This is her first marriage and my third. There is no abuse nor infidelity (that I know of) in our relationship and before 3 weeks ago, I would have told you we had one of the strongest, most loving marriages I'd ever seen. We enjoyed an active sex life and had no problem talking to each other (or so I thought).
3 weeks ago, I was at work when my wife called to tell me that there was a family emergency and that she needed to go attend to it and was flying out immediately. I left work early to take care of our dog, and immediately started noticing that things were weird. Her personal computer was missing. Things were gone that she shouldn't have needed unless she was just grabbing things willy-nilly in a rush to get to her flight. I started to suspect she was leaving me, but I put it out of my mind. "No way" I thought. "She would never do such a thing to me. She always assured me that if there were problems in our marriage, we would talk about this." She knew I had severe anxiety over separation and abandonment, so the idea of her just picking up and leaving like this was completely alien to me.
She called me "from the airport" because "she had misread the departure time on her ticket" and I asked her point blank if she was leaving me, since it sure looked like someone had taken great pains to expunge all evidence of her existence from our apartment. She assured me that she wasn't leaving me and told me she'd call me once things had settled down.
Over the next few days, I started noticing more strangeness: her passport was gone, our marriage license was gone, she took things that she would never need, even for a prolonged stay out of town. At this point the panic attacks started. I was certain she was leaving me. My father tried to reassure me over the phone, telling me that if I trust her, then TRUST her, but the seed had been planted.
At the end of the week, I got an email with a separation agreement attached.
I was completely blind-sided. I had no warning that there were any problems. According to her letter, she had been dealing with severe depression (I knew this...she'd been on anti-depressants for years) and she needed a big and drastic change to see if she could break out of the cycle. She told me she couldn't do this with me being there, supporting and loving her and making her life so comfortable. She wanted to separate so she could find herself and she didn't want to "drag me down" with her. She was "freeing me so I could pursue my own happiness" despite never having discussed any of this with me. She tells me she did things the way she did because she was scared I might hurt her or myself, and she was worried she wouldn't have the determination to stick to her guns if she saw the pain in my eyes.
We've talked twice since she left, but she has otherwise stifled all communication. Our last conversation started with the words "I don't think I'm coming back", which I found especially surprising given she'd only been gone a little over a week at that point. I'll admit that in those first two conversations, I didn't know about Sandi's guidelines, so I'm sure I made many mistakes that made me the pursuer. I just couldn't believe that my loving and devoted wife had decided to discard me and our marriage like worthless trash. At the end of her last conversation with me, she told me that talking to me was taking too much out of her and that instead of talking weekly, it would now be every two weeks, if that.
Since then, I've taken many of the lessons here to heart. I've completely detached, knowing that I have zero control over this situation or how she's dealing with it. I've started working out every day, eating healthier and smaller portions, going to a therapist, and getting out more to interact with others and have a social life. I'm doing these things for myself, not her, as my goal is to improve myself. If she comes back to me, that would be nice, though it will take a lot of marriage counselling for me to get over the feelings of betrayal that this has brought up. If she doesn't come back, I'm prepared to accept this as well.
Does anyone else have experience with this kind of situation? Am I in the right place? Her withdrawal from me didn't involve infidelity, so I'm not sure how applicable the principles discussed here are to my situation. I'm just so confused, since I have so many more questions than answers. I don't know what's going on and the road forward seems like a dark and lonesome one. I know that these feelings will diminish in time, but any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I honestly don't know if this is the place for me.
Quickly reading your story - you are in the right place.
Unbelievable, Franky. Unbelievable.
I'm so sorry to hear this.
I honestly don't know if this is the place for me. My marital troubles seem so different from others', but I also know that's because I lack perspective.
I'm 47, my wife is 43. We've been married for 17 years. We have no kids. This is her first marriage and my third. There is no abuse nor infidelity (that I know of) in our relationship and before 3 weeks ago, I would have told you we had one of the strongest, most loving marriages I'd ever seen. We enjoyed an active sex life and had no problem talking to each other (or so I thought).
3 weeks ago, I was at work when my wife called to tell me that there was a family emergency and that she needed to go attend to it and was flying out immediately. I left work early to take care of our dog, and immediately started noticing that things were weird. Her personal computer was missing. Things were gone that she shouldn't have needed unless she was just grabbing things willy-nilly in a rush to get to her flight. I started to suspect she was leaving me, but I put it out of my mind. "No way" I thought. "She would never do such a thing to me. She always assured me that if there were problems in our marriage, we would talk about this." She knew I had severe anxiety over separation and abandonment, so the idea of her just picking up and leaving like this was completely alien to me.
She called me "from the airport" because "she had misread the departure time on her ticket" and I asked her point blank if she was leaving me, since it sure looked like someone had taken great pains to expunge all evidence of her existence from our apartment. She assured me that she wasn't leaving me and told me she'd call me once things had settled down.
Over the next few days, I started noticing more strangeness: her passport was gone, our marriage license was gone, she took things that she would never need, even for a prolonged stay out of town. At this point the panic attacks started. I was certain she was leaving me. My father tried to reassure me over the phone, telling me that if I trust her, then TRUST her, but the seed had been planted.
At the end of the week, I got an email with a separation agreement attached.
I was completely blind-sided. I had no warning that there were any problems. According to her letter, she had been dealing with severe depression (I knew this...she'd been on anti-depressants for years) and she needed a big and drastic change to see if she could break out of the cycle. She told me she couldn't do this with me being there, supporting and loving her and making her life so comfortable. She wanted to separate so she could find herself and she didn't want to "drag me down" with her. She was "freeing me so I could pursue my own happiness" despite never having discussed any of this with me. She tells me she did things the way she did because she was scared I might hurt her or myself, and she was worried she wouldn't have the determination to stick to her guns if she saw the pain in my eyes.
We've talked twice since she left, but she has otherwise stifled all communication. Our last conversation started with the words "I don't think I'm coming back", which I found especially surprising given she'd only been gone a little over a week at that point. I'll admit that in those first two conversations, I didn't know about Sandi's guidelines, so I'm sure I made many mistakes that made me the pursuer. I just couldn't believe that my loving and devoted wife had decided to discard me and our marriage like worthless trash. At the end of her last conversation with me, she told me that talking to me was taking too much out of her and that instead of talking weekly, it would now be every two weeks, if that.
Since then, I've taken many of the lessons here to heart. I've completely detached, knowing that I have zero control over this situation or how she's dealing with it. I've started working out every day, eating healthier and smaller portions, going to a therapist, and getting out more to interact with others and have a social life. I'm doing these things for myself, not her, as my goal is to improve myself. If she comes back to me, that would be nice, though it will take a lot of marriage counselling for me to get over the feelings of betrayal that this has brought up. If she doesn't come back, I'm prepared to accept this as well.
Does anyone else have experience with this kind of situation? Am I in the right place? Her withdrawal from me didn't involve infidelity, so I'm not sure how applicable the principles discussed here are to my situation. I'm just so confused, since I have so many more questions than answers. I don't know what's going on and the road forward seems like a dark and lonesome one. I know that these feelings will diminish in time, but any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi,could be the start of mlc,that's what it looks like to me,
Not all situations here involve infidelity, and the books aren't focused on infidelity either.
Unbelievable, Franky. Unbelievable.
I'm so sorry to hear this.
Trust me, I feel the same way. If someone had told me this was going to happen, I would have laughed in their face. This was literally unbelievable to me, but unfortunately, there's no disbelieving it now.
Hi,could be the start of mlc,that's what it looks like to me,
That was my feeling as well. It all seemed so arbitrary to me. I still think that this is largely an MLC issue, but I also think it is exacerbated by her depression. She has been seeing a counselor for over a year (unbeknownst to me) and is apparently getting her antidepressant meds adjusted, which means she's literally not in her right mind.
In fact, the one ray of sunshine in that second conversation was after her "I don't think I'm coming back" in which I discovered her antidepressant meds were being adjusted and I indicated that maybe it wasn't a good idea to make such a life-altering decision when undergoing psychoactive medication changes. To her credit, she did agree that it might not be the best idea at this time.
Franky-- in many situations that are described in this forum ... there is an a life-long emotional/mental health component. For some it's mild and for others it's the core, driving issue. As someone mentioned above, there may be a midlife crisis aspect to your situation, entwined with the depression you described.
Your W must have been under the care of one or more mental health professionals, right? Are they still in the picture, somehow? Is it possible that they will steer her back into some normal range of behavior?
Also, did she actually fly away? Do you know where she is? Is the airport story all made up? What about her work? Is she still coming to her work? I'm not encouraging you to snoop -- to the contrary, the less you do the healthier you will be, I think. But it's good to have a reasonable picture of what's going on.
Finally, you mentioned taking care of yourself. That's great. The more you reflect about yourself, the more you will understand about your marriage dynamic. And, besides, as they often repeat here, there is almost nothing you can do to change your wife. The only thing you can change is yourself. To be a healthier, better partner in the future, regardless of whether you save your marriage or not.
I do want to add, though, that in a situation where professional intervention is needed, I think it is OK and good to try to get the care your spouse needs.
Your W must have been under the care of one or more mental health professionals, right? Are they still in the picture, somehow? Is it possible that they will steer her back into some normal range of behavior?
According to things my wife has told me, she's been seeing a counsellor for over a year, but I know nothing about this counsellor. I have no idea if they are still treating her or if she's seeing another, nor do I have any notion of how they are steering her. The only conclusions I can draw at this point is that the counsellor was not encouraging my wife to communicate with me about whatever problems she might have with our marriage, which sounds to me like a very poor counsellor.
Also, did she actually fly away? Do you know where she is? Is the airport story all made up? What about her work? Is she still coming to her work? I'm not encouraging you to snoop -- to the contrary, the less you do the healthier you will be, I think. But it's good to have a reasonable picture of what's going on.
Well, therein lies the rub. I don't have a reasonable picture of what's going on. All I know is she appears to be living with her parents in their town (about 4 hours drive from me). Her work has offices in multiple cities and she is able to work remotely, so as far as I know, they're being very accommodating of her during this time. Aside from that, I'm not certain of anything (and I'm not even really certain about what I am 'certain' about.) She's been lying to me for a long time and I don't expect it to stop now. I refuse to snoop or press for more information, so now I just have to accept a lot of unknowns.
Finally, you mentioned taking care of yourself. That's great. The more you reflect about yourself, the more you will understand about your marriage dynamic. And, besides, as they often repeat here, there is almost nothing you can do to change your wife. The only thing you can change is yourself. To be a healthier, better partner in the future, regardless of whether you save your marriage or not.
I do want to add, though, that in a situation where professional intervention is needed, I think it is OK and good to try to get the care your spouse needs.
Thank you for your kind words of support. I really appreciate them. They help more than I can possibly say.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
This is terribly heartbreaking to hear. Some random thoughts:
1. The prepared S agreement shows she's been plotting for some time. You say you were happy and blindsided. Besides the depression, there were no omther issues in your M? Do you know why she did a S agreement and not a D agreement?
2. MLC, depression, infidelity - could be any or all of them at once, but no matter what you are right that you can't control your W and can only control you.
3. You mention this is your third M. Are there issues from your prior Ms that are relevant to this story?
This is terribly heartbreaking to hear. Some random thoughts:
1. The prepared S agreement shows she's been plotting for some time. You say you were happy and blindsided. Besides the depression, there were no omther issues in your M? Do you know why she did a S agreement and not a D agreement?
No, there were no other issues that I was aware of...certainly nothing that would prompt this sort of action. She never communicated that she was unhappy and in fact often indicated that she was very happy and content. As for the separation agreement, in our country the divorce courts are backlogged and filing outright for divorce requires navigating the divorce court system. At fault divorces are extremely expensive and take years to resolve. However, by legally separating, you can then essentially 'flip' the separation to a divorce if you can show you lived separately for a year. I feel like if I sign the agreement, I'm basically hitting the start button on the countdown clock to the demise of my marriage.
[qupte=Gordie]2. MLC, depression, infidelity - could be any or all of them at once, but no matter what you are right that you can't control your W and can only control you.[/quote]
Thank you for your supportive comments. I'm fairly certain infidelity isn't a factor. I know this sounds weird, but given how traumatic she made her exit (I haven't even gone into how I ended up in handcuffs the night I received the email with the separation agreement - nothing like heaping humiliation on top of humiliation), I feel like if she had been cheating, she would have rubbed my nose in it by now.
3. You mention this is your third M. Are there issues from your prior Ms that are relevant to this story?
Only the anxiety over abandonment and separation. My first wife left me while I was on deployment because she didn't think I could provide for my family if I got out of the military. I was the cheater in my second marriage and my ex left me the night before we were supposed to move into a new apartment. She canceled the move, moved in with her mom, and I basically had to scramble to find a place to live.
Depression runs hand in hand with mlc. It is part of mlc,symptom of mlc,in my view its all connected with depression that's one of reasons they are feeling down they think its the marriage the spouse the life they have,so they blame the marriage and think if they leave the marriage they will stop feeling down and be happy again,little do they know its not the spouse or the marriage,it is them and there hormones are going lala all over the shop,cos of chemical changers in there body's,
She never said she was unhappy. Is she a conflict avoider? If she was unhappy, would she have felt safe saying so? Did your fear of abandonment cause her to avoid expressing anything that might trigger your fear?
You said your chested in your second M. Was your W aware of this? How did that affect your R?
She never said she was unhappy. Is she a conflict avoider? If she was unhappy, would she have felt safe saying so? Did your fear of abandonment cause her to avoid expressing anything that might trigger your fear?
You said your chested in your second M. Was your W aware of this? How did that affect your R?
Yes, she is definitely a conflict avoider. I doubt she felt safe to tell me she was unhappy. I'm sure she did fear what I might do, either to her or myself. I'm a big and somewhat intimidating (or so I've been told) dude, so I can see how she would be scared to open up to me. I'm also certain that my fears of abandonment gave her cause to avoid expressing her feelings and concerns.
My wife was aware that there were infidelity issues in my second marriage. I had a reputation as a bit of a player when we met, but I left all that behind when I committed myself to her. Early in our marriage she had anxiety over the idea that I might cheat on her, but after we went to counselling, those fears seemed to recede. I don't think it had anything to do with this situation though. The more I read, the more I'm convinced that this is a midlife crisis borne of severe and overwhelming depression.
Thank you for your supportive comments. I'm fairly certain infidelity isn't a factor. I know this sounds weird, but given how traumatic she made her exit (I haven't even gone into how I ended up in handcuffs the night I received the email with the separation agreement - nothing like heaping humiliation on top of humiliation), I feel like if she had been cheating, she would have rubbed my nose in it by now.
Hello FrankyC,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Her exit does sound traumatic/dramatic. You mentioned that your appearance is intimidating and that she feared what you might do to her or yourself. Is this your assumption or did she say these things? How do you know she was afraid to express her feelings and concerns? How does ending up in handcuffs the night you received the email with the separation agreement play into all of this?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hello FrankyC,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Her exit does sound traumatic/dramatic. You mentioned that your appearance is intimidating and that she feared what you might do to her or yourself. Is this your assumption or did she say these things? How do you know she was afraid to express her feelings and concerns? How does ending up in handcuffs the night you received the email with the separation agreement play into all of this?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thank you for the offer, Cristy. I'll consider it.
To answer your questions, she did indicate that she was afraid of what I might do to either her or myself. This point was driven further home when the night I received the separation agreement, I also received a visit from the police executing a mental health assessment on me, so I got to stand in a public hallway at my apartment while the cops tossed my place and confiscated my firearms. Funny thing: I'd already planned on relinquishing my firearms that night; I just hadn't had the chance to call before the decision was taken out of my hands.
The reason I think she wasn't comfortable expressing her feelings and concerns with me is because she didn't. We prided ourselves on not keeping secrets from one another, but apparently she'd been keeping many secrets from me, since this all literally came out of nowhere.
In the end, it really doesn't matter. I've elected to detach completely and let her initiate contact. My lawyer is going to draft an actual separation agreement that's fair to me, so I'm sure that will spur some acrimony, but I just don't care anymore. She's become so cold and dismissive that I barely recognize her anymore. I've seen no indications that she has ANY interest in reconciliation, as she is entirely focused on herself and her depression. I can't be constantly plagued by her ghost if I'm going to move on with my life. I'll still be here if and when she decides to come back to the relationship, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
Frankly, I'm just not sure I want anything to do with someone who would go out of their way to upend my life and inflict significant damage on me without any warning whatsoever.