A review of finding out about A and telling W - 10/31/16 03:14 PM
Here is my story as I step back and share again from the beginning and with new lenses…. after posting for a month on the site…
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2710380#Post2710380
In June, my W and two kids went to her home town for three weeks. She goes back every few years or so. In hind sight we were not as close as we have been historically. She was saying less “I love you-s” and less good hugs. Although we were having sex regularly. While she was gone, she was not good with conversation over the phone. She was distant and hard to get a hold of. I decided there must be something going on with another guy but I had no idea of who it would be and how this would have happened…. Just felt like something must have happened. With my W I knew that I could not confront her about a feeling. I would need data or it would be weird.
When she got back, within the first week, she broke down and said she could not picture a future with us, and when I talked about retirement, she could not picture us together then. She started to cry and she never cries… I mean never. She said I was her best friend and she did not know what to do…. This is all blind siding me. But when she cried…. I knew something must have happened…
So I spent the next couple of months trying to be a better H. I would listen more, be more present, more patient with the kids, attend my sons basketball practice more. We got our first family dog, my W wanted to do it. I took my W out on dates and took the whole family out on dates.
I also told my W she could go back to her home town to see her parents and family since she missed them so….. I had a feeling there was another guy but my approach was to send her back to let her figure it out. (this was before I found this forum).
I think we grew a little closer over the next months.
(I learned after all the revelations that she did have a sinking feeling in her stomach and almost cancelled the trip, she insists she was not going back to see OM)
She goes to home town for 10 days. She routinely turns her find friends ap…. and is not available by phone.
When she returns she is distant and weird…. She gets better each day. I do not have hard data at this point. I have a few phone calls from the June trip that never occur again. Then I manage to hear a conversation about 10 days after she gets back. She is using the talk ap on FB to communicate. Now I know the guys name. During this same time, I found this forum and started with the method of becoming more of a man versus a H and detaching. I stopped the good H on the first day of her return. Started wearing cologne, and to my surprise this was noticed!!!
OK so I read and read. I thought about not telling her I knew about the A per the forum. She was not going to say anything.
After I heard the phone call, I spent the next 5 days being as detached as possible and even went out after work with the guys which I rarely do these days. And no sex. I challenged her on being disrespectful twice during these five days. Both times made her defensive but I stood strong. When I got home from a work dinner on the 5th day she was surprisingly nice…. I thought this detachment thing is working, cologne and focus on work and fitness etc.
On the 6th day, I said I do not want to have sex today after she offered. This was a Saturday. And then I went in to work, and as I left, I was stern and told her to cancel some furniture she had ordered. (this never happens)
30 minutes later, she texts me and says she knows something is wrong and must have filed some divorce papers…and does one of us need to find another place to live….that is right, out of the blue since I have not said anything about knowing about A. I do not respond and come home 90 minutes later. I said what is going on with this text? We talk and she cries. She apologizes for not being able to dance the furniture… it is too late, it is on its way. —I said things like, you are free to make your own choices, I let you go, I do not know what is going on, but I do not own you, you can do what you need to do. etc
She briefly tries to posture, only one time.
On the next day Sunday, we have another tough talk and she cries again. This time she is more reserved and no tough talk or posturing.
Over the next three days ( I know we are at warp speed) She is trying to make things better although we have not talked about A. I did say things have been off and would you like to forget about the last couple of months and just start over. She said yes. I asked her to write down what is important to her in a R. I asked her to share with me what she could do that would make me not love her.
On the third day I asked her if she could tell me some of the friends she hung out with, she said a couple of harmless names..and I said no one else and she said nope. (She told me later that she knew I knew at this point but she was not going to say anything.)
The next morning while we are making eggs and coffee. I said I know it is ______. the guys name. And she said I knew you knew. This was a calm conversation, even a little light hearted.
She was hoping to keep this secret and never reveal it to me. She was ready to end it and realized that she was off and needed to get back to reality etc. This is 6th day (11th day or so since confirming name of A). We had a good day of talking…. and then I had her read the letter she wrote me out loud. I am skeptical but she seems sincere.
I asked her to read some infidelity information and R rebuilding info etc if she was interested. She started.
She realized that she should answer my questions…. even though embarrassing. At first she did not answer my questions but after reading for a couple of days she did. They had sex 3 times in June and 2 times during recent trip. He wore a condom and there was no other touching, oral etc, just sex with her on the bottom. (I know but because I am a stupid man I had to ask) Because there are certain things that my W needs to O and straight sex is not it. I also asked her if she O with him and she said no. No money or anything else moved around… She had sex 5 times….
She says that she only texted on FB with the guy before meeting him in person in home town. He was recently divorced and I think she was supporting him. Supposedly only talked 4-5 times over summer, 3 months. They did not go to dinner or out drinking…. no dates so to speak. Walked his dog a couple of times. She watched him work on his car….
Her reasons for doing it. She did not feel close to me. She did not think I would find out, even her family members in town do not know this person or that my W became friends with him. She felt obligated… which I think means since she was becoming close to him with the conversations…. why not help him out by sleeping with him. I asked her why she did not sleep with him more than twice on this last trip… she said “I am not a horn dog”….
She texted him and said she cannot talk anymore and will focus on our family and she canceled FB. She gave me full access to electronics.
OK so about 10 days have passed since I said I knew the OM name and 20 days since confirming A and 30 days since she retuned from home town.
Over the past 10 days, she answered all my questions about the A ( I do not like the answers or I do not understand why she would risk the marriage, but I guess our level of risk is different or she just did not think I would find out or just did not think….) I am doing my best to not analyze my W anymore on this topic.
She has shown remorse. She has said sorry, she feels bad, I am a better person than her, she feels ashamed, shameful, embarrassed. She cannot believe that she hurt me, “I thought to myself this man does not need this type of hurt in his life”
She hopes that I will look at her pretty close to the way I used to. This means she hopes will love her to the same level as before.
I ask her about missing the OM or something. She says she already decided that she would not see him again when she was on the trip. I just accelerated it or gave her an excuse to let the guy know they would not talk anymore…..
She is like the girl I knew 10 years ago…. I was not the best H and friend over the past few years…. so I own part of this. A couple of months ago, my W could be more unfriendly to me and I would need to do a lot of work to get her back. Now after the A, she is doing everything she can do to win me back. (I of course will continue to work on myself, be a better man, H and father)
It feels as though my W has totally closed the door on this A and the past year or so of us not getting along as good as we could have. In fact she now takes more ownership over the past year or so. Said she should have spoken up more. It is like she escaped a near death experience of a car wreck… it is all in the open now and I did not divorce her….She is happy.
Over the past week, we have been more intimate that we have been in years…. She is friendly with me and the kids than she has been in a year….If anyone can hit the reset button and get it together after a crisis I think it is my W, so I give her the benefit of the doubt here.
OK—I feel I will be the problem moving forward. Inside my head I have fears (mine is that will she love me for years to come and of course hers are will he love me today or soon)
We of course need some counseling to make sure we learn how to be a better couple and not bury any of this. Today, I feel like I need the C more…. It is hard for me to picture her being with another guy just one month ago or three months ago. In her mind it was minimal,the sex, she was using it as a salve for our R…. but for me, I picture the other guy on top of her of course. It is one thing to think about a boyfriend before you dated but another thing after you have been together for 16 years….. I am reading and watching some videos from experts in the field that help me view other perspectives on infidelity…. I think this will help with time. I do care about the lying etc…. but seem to care most about the sex….
Like Sandi said to me already. My focus at first was to get my W back and then I will have some resentment and I do and I am working on it. I did not do it the right way I think….but did not find this forum. I let her go back to her home town to find her way and had faith that she would return. (I was hoping I am not that bad of a guy)
One interesting thing. As we talked over the past few days, I shared with her that I knew something happened in June…but I did not have proof and you would need to hear proof to admit it. So I said, I let you go back so you could find out what you wanted…. She said “so you let me dangle out there on my own…” she said with a friendly tone but I heard some sadness of maybe how hard it was or how alone and isolated she was……. I said I did not have the skills back then to know what to do and I did not think you had the skills to listen to me….
My W appears to be happy to be home….she is not flirting etc, she is looking at me and kissing me like 10 years ago…
Now I have to learn how to deal with picturing another guy on top of her…(any comments even if I am stupid man here are appreciated.)
And understand it will take time….
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2710380#Post2710380
In June, my W and two kids went to her home town for three weeks. She goes back every few years or so. In hind sight we were not as close as we have been historically. She was saying less “I love you-s” and less good hugs. Although we were having sex regularly. While she was gone, she was not good with conversation over the phone. She was distant and hard to get a hold of. I decided there must be something going on with another guy but I had no idea of who it would be and how this would have happened…. Just felt like something must have happened. With my W I knew that I could not confront her about a feeling. I would need data or it would be weird.
When she got back, within the first week, she broke down and said she could not picture a future with us, and when I talked about retirement, she could not picture us together then. She started to cry and she never cries… I mean never. She said I was her best friend and she did not know what to do…. This is all blind siding me. But when she cried…. I knew something must have happened…
So I spent the next couple of months trying to be a better H. I would listen more, be more present, more patient with the kids, attend my sons basketball practice more. We got our first family dog, my W wanted to do it. I took my W out on dates and took the whole family out on dates.
I also told my W she could go back to her home town to see her parents and family since she missed them so….. I had a feeling there was another guy but my approach was to send her back to let her figure it out. (this was before I found this forum).
I think we grew a little closer over the next months.
(I learned after all the revelations that she did have a sinking feeling in her stomach and almost cancelled the trip, she insists she was not going back to see OM)
She goes to home town for 10 days. She routinely turns her find friends ap…. and is not available by phone.
When she returns she is distant and weird…. She gets better each day. I do not have hard data at this point. I have a few phone calls from the June trip that never occur again. Then I manage to hear a conversation about 10 days after she gets back. She is using the talk ap on FB to communicate. Now I know the guys name. During this same time, I found this forum and started with the method of becoming more of a man versus a H and detaching. I stopped the good H on the first day of her return. Started wearing cologne, and to my surprise this was noticed!!!
OK so I read and read. I thought about not telling her I knew about the A per the forum. She was not going to say anything.
After I heard the phone call, I spent the next 5 days being as detached as possible and even went out after work with the guys which I rarely do these days. And no sex. I challenged her on being disrespectful twice during these five days. Both times made her defensive but I stood strong. When I got home from a work dinner on the 5th day she was surprisingly nice…. I thought this detachment thing is working, cologne and focus on work and fitness etc.
On the 6th day, I said I do not want to have sex today after she offered. This was a Saturday. And then I went in to work, and as I left, I was stern and told her to cancel some furniture she had ordered. (this never happens)
30 minutes later, she texts me and says she knows something is wrong and must have filed some divorce papers…and does one of us need to find another place to live….that is right, out of the blue since I have not said anything about knowing about A. I do not respond and come home 90 minutes later. I said what is going on with this text? We talk and she cries. She apologizes for not being able to dance the furniture… it is too late, it is on its way. —I said things like, you are free to make your own choices, I let you go, I do not know what is going on, but I do not own you, you can do what you need to do. etc
She briefly tries to posture, only one time.
On the next day Sunday, we have another tough talk and she cries again. This time she is more reserved and no tough talk or posturing.
Over the next three days ( I know we are at warp speed) She is trying to make things better although we have not talked about A. I did say things have been off and would you like to forget about the last couple of months and just start over. She said yes. I asked her to write down what is important to her in a R. I asked her to share with me what she could do that would make me not love her.
On the third day I asked her if she could tell me some of the friends she hung out with, she said a couple of harmless names..and I said no one else and she said nope. (She told me later that she knew I knew at this point but she was not going to say anything.)
The next morning while we are making eggs and coffee. I said I know it is ______. the guys name. And she said I knew you knew. This was a calm conversation, even a little light hearted.
She was hoping to keep this secret and never reveal it to me. She was ready to end it and realized that she was off and needed to get back to reality etc. This is 6th day (11th day or so since confirming name of A). We had a good day of talking…. and then I had her read the letter she wrote me out loud. I am skeptical but she seems sincere.
I asked her to read some infidelity information and R rebuilding info etc if she was interested. She started.
She realized that she should answer my questions…. even though embarrassing. At first she did not answer my questions but after reading for a couple of days she did. They had sex 3 times in June and 2 times during recent trip. He wore a condom and there was no other touching, oral etc, just sex with her on the bottom. (I know but because I am a stupid man I had to ask) Because there are certain things that my W needs to O and straight sex is not it. I also asked her if she O with him and she said no. No money or anything else moved around… She had sex 5 times….
She says that she only texted on FB with the guy before meeting him in person in home town. He was recently divorced and I think she was supporting him. Supposedly only talked 4-5 times over summer, 3 months. They did not go to dinner or out drinking…. no dates so to speak. Walked his dog a couple of times. She watched him work on his car….
Her reasons for doing it. She did not feel close to me. She did not think I would find out, even her family members in town do not know this person or that my W became friends with him. She felt obligated… which I think means since she was becoming close to him with the conversations…. why not help him out by sleeping with him. I asked her why she did not sleep with him more than twice on this last trip… she said “I am not a horn dog”….
She texted him and said she cannot talk anymore and will focus on our family and she canceled FB. She gave me full access to electronics.
OK so about 10 days have passed since I said I knew the OM name and 20 days since confirming A and 30 days since she retuned from home town.
Over the past 10 days, she answered all my questions about the A ( I do not like the answers or I do not understand why she would risk the marriage, but I guess our level of risk is different or she just did not think I would find out or just did not think….) I am doing my best to not analyze my W anymore on this topic.
She has shown remorse. She has said sorry, she feels bad, I am a better person than her, she feels ashamed, shameful, embarrassed. She cannot believe that she hurt me, “I thought to myself this man does not need this type of hurt in his life”
She hopes that I will look at her pretty close to the way I used to. This means she hopes will love her to the same level as before.
I ask her about missing the OM or something. She says she already decided that she would not see him again when she was on the trip. I just accelerated it or gave her an excuse to let the guy know they would not talk anymore…..
She is like the girl I knew 10 years ago…. I was not the best H and friend over the past few years…. so I own part of this. A couple of months ago, my W could be more unfriendly to me and I would need to do a lot of work to get her back. Now after the A, she is doing everything she can do to win me back. (I of course will continue to work on myself, be a better man, H and father)
It feels as though my W has totally closed the door on this A and the past year or so of us not getting along as good as we could have. In fact she now takes more ownership over the past year or so. Said she should have spoken up more. It is like she escaped a near death experience of a car wreck… it is all in the open now and I did not divorce her….She is happy.
Over the past week, we have been more intimate that we have been in years…. She is friendly with me and the kids than she has been in a year….If anyone can hit the reset button and get it together after a crisis I think it is my W, so I give her the benefit of the doubt here.
OK—I feel I will be the problem moving forward. Inside my head I have fears (mine is that will she love me for years to come and of course hers are will he love me today or soon)
We of course need some counseling to make sure we learn how to be a better couple and not bury any of this. Today, I feel like I need the C more…. It is hard for me to picture her being with another guy just one month ago or three months ago. In her mind it was minimal,the sex, she was using it as a salve for our R…. but for me, I picture the other guy on top of her of course. It is one thing to think about a boyfriend before you dated but another thing after you have been together for 16 years….. I am reading and watching some videos from experts in the field that help me view other perspectives on infidelity…. I think this will help with time. I do care about the lying etc…. but seem to care most about the sex….
Like Sandi said to me already. My focus at first was to get my W back and then I will have some resentment and I do and I am working on it. I did not do it the right way I think….but did not find this forum. I let her go back to her home town to find her way and had faith that she would return. (I was hoping I am not that bad of a guy)
One interesting thing. As we talked over the past few days, I shared with her that I knew something happened in June…but I did not have proof and you would need to hear proof to admit it. So I said, I let you go back so you could find out what you wanted…. She said “so you let me dangle out there on my own…” she said with a friendly tone but I heard some sadness of maybe how hard it was or how alone and isolated she was……. I said I did not have the skills back then to know what to do and I did not think you had the skills to listen to me….
My W appears to be happy to be home….she is not flirting etc, she is looking at me and kissing me like 10 years ago…
Now I have to learn how to deal with picturing another guy on top of her…(any comments even if I am stupid man here are appreciated.)
And understand it will take time….
