Hello everyone. I found this message board about a week ago after reading the DR. I will try to use the appropriate abbreviations but I am still learning them.
Here is my story. I am on my 2nd marriage. My first one lasted only 2 years and ended because my w cheated on me.
My current w and I have been together for 12 years now and m for 10. We have a S6 and S2. The m has had its ups and downs like all marriages. There has been 1 major incident that took place in the winter of 2008-2009. My w went back home to Ohio to visit family while I stayed in Arizona to work. While she was back there she went to a bar with my sister and friends and flirted with a guy at the bar. My sister saw it and got my w out of there but somewhere along the way my w and the om exchanged phone numbers or emails because when she got back home to AZ she started an EA with the om. This went on until February when my w went back to Ohio and met up with the om again and this time they kissed but nothing else happened. When she came home from this trip we really didn’t speak to each other and she tried to have me sign divorce papers. This went on for a couple of months until somewhere along the way we decided to get back together. About a month or so later she got pregnant with our first son.
The next year we moved to Florida for her work and I became a stay at home dad. The job we moved to Florida for she ended up hating and wanted to quit right away. Eventually , she found a job in Upstate NY and we moved there. I was not a fan of where we moved to. There was nothing to do and the winters were bad. I had gotten use to nice winters and I think I got depressed dealing with the cold and snow. At some point during our time in NY she went and talked to a lawyer about a divorce but didn’t do anything. She never told me about this and I only discovered it when I found the lawyers business card one day a couple of months after the appointment took place. I never mentioned this to my wife because I think I was scared.
About 18 months after moving to NY she changed jobs again and this time we ended up back in Ohio. I enjoyed moving back there because we were a couple hours from family and friends. Plus it seemed easier for her and I to do more things together as a couple. In January 2014 our second S was born prematurely and spent a month in the hospital. I think this brought us closer together as a couple.
In August of 2015 my w got a promotion and we moved to Georgia. We were excited about her career opportunity and the move. Things started off well but since we moved here we have less time to spend together as a couple. She works long hours and we haven’t really found anyone we are comfortable with to watch the kids so we can have time with each other. The last time we had any time together was back in April when my parents were visiting.
About a month ago (end of July) my w had to go to Las Vegas for a work conference. While there, she apparently flirted with a work colleague of hers. This is a guy she knew from work but his office is actually in another state 3 hours away. She told me later that he tried to kiss her but she wouldn’t let him. When she got home from her trip she told me she was experiencing panic attacks while she was away and she hasn’t been taking her medication (she has suffered from panic attacks since I’ve known her). She didn’t mention anything else though.
The next week was a tough one. She was withdrawn and distant from me. She acted disgusted with me and like she didn’t even want to be in the same room with me. She also worked extra long hours that week and often didn’t get home until 9 or 10 at night.
On August 8 she sat me down and told me she wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. I asked her to try to work it out, but she said she didn’t think she could. I remember she drank a whole bottle of wine that night and by the time we were done talking she was drunk. I went into the kitchen to get the kids some ice cream and when I returned to the living room I found her texting the guy from Vegas. I took the phone from her and read the texts. It broke my heart to read what they were saying to each other. She was having an EA. She tried to explain that he doesn’t mean anything and it was just making her feel good. I told her she needs to stop but she said she didn’t think she could.
A couple of days later we talked some more and she discussed some problems she has that she has learned about since she started to see a therapist the previous week. She told me she has abandonment issues with men. Her mom and dad divorced when she was 6 and her step dad passed away from ALS when she was 18. She blames both these men for leaving her. She then went on to say that before her and I dated she would cheat on boyfriends. She said she was afraid she would get hurt by them so she would cheat to do the hurting first.
She then talked about problems she had with me. She said I was selfish (I agree), she didn’t feel I took an interest in her life (I disagree) and she thought are marriage had gone stale (I agree). I told her I was working on my issues and she commented that she saw that I have but she didn’t know if it mattered at this point.
For the next week or so things were ok with us. She moved to the guest room in our house. We were friendly with each other and didn’t fight and had a couple of good talks. Then this Monday she told me she was going to have to go away Thursday for work and would be back Friday afternoon. The place she has to go is where the OM works. She said not to worry she will be with other people, but she will have to see him and talk to him because they are working on a project together. She left this morning for her trip and I know that tonight is the night her EA become a PA.
I’m not really sure how I feel right now. I think if I didn’t have the two kids I might just walk away, but I really would like to at least attempt to work things out. It’s a weird feeling I’m having right now knowing she is in the same room as the OM.
I should also mention that when she says she wants a divorce she doesn’t want anything to change. She said she wants me to continue to live at the house and take care of the kids just like nothing changed. I told her it doesn't work that way and if we get a divorce I will not live with her. I think she wants me to do her housework, watch her kids , take care of the yard, listen to her when she gets home from work while she continues with the OM. She kept asking why we couldn’t live like this and I kept telling her because people don’t do this when they get divorced and I won’t do it either.
This whole thing is just crazy and I can’t believe it only really started about 2 ½ weeks ago. It feels like its been going on forever. I have a therapist appointment next Tuesday and hopefully that will help me deal with some of this.
Anyway, thanks for letting me tell my story.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Which I normally call homework.
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Eagle11,
Go talk with a lawyer as soon as possible. Her history shows that she most likely has seen one this time. Don't fear it. Knowing what the process might be like is empowering. Given that you are a STHD, knowing your rights around spousal support in your state will only help reduce your stress when you think about being on your own and finances.
Great job on not taking her idea of having you be her nanny. As hard as it may be, you will have to show her what life is like for her without you for her to have any appreciation and respect for you. And don't let her control you with that abandonment stuff. That is her issue to work through. That is no excuse to treat you like this.
You can do this and regardless of outcome, you and your kids will be okay. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.
Seriously? She wants you to be a live in Nanny, while she sluts around? Wow, the selfish alert just broke. Good job on shooting that down ASAP.
Does she spend time with the kids much? What were the other, more specific problems you were having?
"Her Mom and Dad divorced....." So, the genius thinks getting her own divorce is going to solve her AND her kids' problems? Hopefully her therapist is going to help her get some sort of clue!
Thanks for the responses.
I know I need to get to a lawyer for my protection and our kids. I need to do that next week.
One thing I forgot to mention which confuses me about this whole mess is that we bought a house and moved in less than 2 months ago. After traveling around so much for work over the last 10 years we decided we were at a place that we could settle down for a while so we decided to buy instead of rent. Who makes a decision to end their marriage after buying a house? Makes no sense. She can say she has been unhappy for a long time, but why buy a house with me?
Does she spend time with the kids much? What were the other, more specific problems you were having?
She is a good mom when she wants to be, but she probably only sees them about 1-2 hours a day during the week. On the weekends she will do things with them, but I don't think she really likes to do things with them on her own without me.
I don't think we had any major problems. We didn't talk like we should. She has never been one to share stories about her past with me. She said she didn't think I would want to hear about it. Also, we very rarely ever fought, but we would hold things in and never talk about them. I am bad at this. I would rather just say I'm sorry instead of talking things out. She has told me that she never felt like she could please me no matter what she did. We also would have money discussions. She doesn't think before she buys things and I am more conservative. When I met her she was really in debt and I actually helped get her out of debt before we were married. She complained that we never took vacations by ourselves, but every time we discussed it I would tell her we needed to watch our spending so we could save and of course she couldn't/wouldn't do that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I think she wants me to do her housework, watch her kids , take care of the yard, listen to her when she gets home from work while she continues with the OM.
Isn't that the relationship you have had? Why would she think it would be different if you were divorced? Maybe it seems a
logical thinking woman (who travels around and has had several jobs) would know these things, right?
She is a good mom when she wants to be, but she probably only sees them about 1-2 hours a day during the week.
What happens when she doesn't want to be a good mom?
Anyone can be a good parent for 1 to 2 hrs a
week!
On the weekends she will do things with them, but I don't think she really likes to do things with them on her own without me.
Seriously? Do you see this as a normal mother, much less a good one?
I don't think we had any major problems. We didn't talk like we should. She has never been one to share stories about her past with me. She said she didn't think I would want to hear about it. Also, we very rarely ever fought, but we would hold things in and never talk about them.
So, you don't really know who you have married.
I would rather just say I'm sorry instead of talking things out.
This needs to change immediately. You actually contribute to the breakdown in the marriage, when you have the attitude of accepting blame as being the shortcut or easier route.
There are tons of information in the links Cadet sent you.
Do you do anything to earn income while staying home with the kids? Had you rather stay home or have a full time job in the workforce?
What does your wife do when she is angry at you or the kids? How does she handle pressure?
Has she ever had therapy, that you know about?
What are the ages of you and your wife?
Sandi2,
My W is 35 (36 next week) and I am 39.
I think she wants to keep everything exactly the same for now only be divorced. She just doesn't get what is going on. I don't think she understands the reality of the situation. I almost laughed when she told me what she wanted to do. She kept insisting to me that we could make this divorce work "her way".
I think she can be a good mother but some times she just seems like she isn't interested. She is often tired and on the weekends its not uncommon for her to take a nap for a couple of hours while I'm with the kids. I used to think she was just tired from working so much but the more I think about it, I think she just wanted to get away and some alone time for herself.
I will admit that after talking to her the last couple of weeks I don't think I know the person I married. She has opened up and told me things about her past that I've never known in the 12 years we've been together. I commented to her the other night that I liked to learn things about her and she said she never thought I was interested and I never asked. She is learning a lot of things from her therapy about her past that she may have hid away and it's coming out now. I knew she was always angry at her dad for the divorce but I can't believe the anger she had for her stepdad (who was the one to really raise her). She is angry at him for dying on her and abandoning her. The man died of ALS and spent the last 4 years of his life angry and depressed and she is holding it against him. I don't understand this way of thinking.
She also discussed being raped in college by a boyfriend. She had mentioned this briefly when we first started dating and I asked about it then but it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it. I didn't really know what to do so I never brought it up again until she mentioned it the other night. She also explained to me that she hates sex. She said it was not me, but she has always hated it no matter who she was with. She said she found it disgusting but she didn't understand why. I asked her if she thought the rape might have played a role but she said she didn't know.
I understand that I have been weak with her and not wanted conflict. I just hate conflict, but I understand by not addressing things with her I have contributed to where we are now.
As far as being a Stay Home Dad. I did not do anything for income. She makes very good money and never wanted me to do anything but raise the kids. I have brought up getting a part time job when both kids are in school, but she has never pushed me. In fact, one of the reasons she wants me to live with her and raise the kids is because she said she doesn't want them in daycare and she says I'm a great dad. I of course told her that was not going to happen and I am going to get a job should we divorce. She keeps saying she doesn't want that.
I will say that I can see my w having attraction to the other man over me. She is obviously bored with me and our m. I am a stay home dad and he has the same title as her in the company so he is her equal. He obviously makes good money where I make none. He is retired from the Army or Marines so is probably more of man's man than I am.
I know he was married, but I don't know if he still is. I found his wife's facebook page but there is no mention of him in almost 2 years. She also has no relationship status listed. I did find that the house is in both of their names still, but I don't know what that means.
Hello Eagle11,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You are so smart to recognize that her vision of divorce is not even close to reality. She wants to eat cake in a major way.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I've been thinking about the question Sandi2 asked about what kind of a mother my w is and a couple examples come to mind. It's common when she goes out of town for work to not call home at night and check on the kids. I would think most mothers who have been away from there kids all day would want to call and check on them and tell them goodnight, but she would often forget or fall asleep without calling.
Another thing is our S6 started first grade a couple of weeks ago and has had a difficult time in the mornings. I often drop him off and he is crying and just doesn't want to go. Once he is in class he is fine but I don't know if its separation anxiety or something makes him nervous and scared in the mornings. Anyway, my W has not called or texted me once this school year to check on how he did at school. She did go talk to his teacher one day but she was too busy at work to check to make sure he was ok the other days.
I think even in the best of times her job is first, then the kids and then our marriage. Right now I think its either her job or the OM first and second and our kids are third on her list of priorities.
Does it appear that she is intentionally distancing herself from the children, or is it as if she just doesn't think about their needs? Obviously, she relies on you to take care of all their needs. However, she is abandoning them on an emotional level, whether she sees it or not.
Has she ever cared for the children for a 15 - 24 hr period......without you or another adult there?
There could be even darker passages of her past. Hopefully, the therapist will help her. If she never received counseling for the rape, then it could have impacted how she sees sex.
The anger she has toward her step dad leaving her (through death) could be a sign of something more serious, or maybe she just needs guidance in knowing how to sort her feelings and deal with them. Something has moved her enough to seek help. How long ago since he died? Anger is often a part of grieving. Anger toward that person, or at the situation that caused the death, or at God for allowing it. Death can also trigger something in the past that remained hidden.
Does it appear that she is intentionally distancing herself from the children, or is it as if she just doesn't think about their needs? Obviously, she relies on you to take care of all their needs. However, she is abandoning them on an emotional level, whether she sees it or not.
Has she ever cared for the children for a 15 - 24 hr period......without you or another adult there?
There could be even darker passages of her past. Hopefully, the therapist will help her. If she never received counseling for the rape, then it could have impacted how she sees sex.
The anger she has toward her step dad leaving her (through death) could be a sign of something more serious, or maybe she just needs guidance in knowing how to sort her feelings and deal with them. Something has moved her enough to seek help. How long ago since he died? Anger is often a part of grieving. Anger toward that person, or at the situation that caused the death, or at God for allowing it. Death can also trigger something in the past that remained hidden.
No, I don't think she is distancing herself from the children. I think she doesn't think about their needs. She will be excited to see them but after a while she is off in her own world. If I'm not home she most likely is sitting on the couch watching tv and they are playing by themselves. She doesn't really do much with them. I think she may think by taking them to the store and buying a toy for them as good parenting, but she is not there for their emotional needs.
She has cared for them a few times for long periods but it's not much. I have spent 8-10 hours away on a Saturday doing things and as soon as I would get home she would pass the kids off to me and she would go take a nap.
Last night my S6 asked if she was going to call home and I had to tell him that she was probably busy at work. (she was probably with the OM by this point). She gets home this afternoon/evening from her work trip and I know she will act all excited to see them and ask them about their day, but after an hour she will probably detach from them.
As far as I know she has never received counseling about the rape. She brought it up to me 1 time 12 years ago and it was never mentioned again until she told me her therapist and her talked about it a few weeks ago.
As far as her stepdad, he passed away in 1999 I believe. She said she has been holding this anger in towards him. She has never told anybody about her feelings until she talked to her therapist about it. Also, I believe within 3 or 4 months after her stepdad passed her mom remarried and moved to another state 6 hours away, which left my w and her brother by themselves living with their grandparents. She said she forgives her mom for this, but it's another abandonment issue.
She told me she cheated on boyfriends to get them to leave so she wouldn't be abandoned. It was like she was in control of that. She would find another guy right away and the process would start over. This was in her late teens to early 20's. The pattern stopped when she met me, but she admitted this might be what she is doing again with the OM. Basically, have an affair to get rid of me and start new with someone else.
I have asked her to work on herself and I would work on myself. I have asked her if we get in a better place with ourselves then maybe we can work on our relationship. She said she is not sure if she can do that. I told her I know there are no guarantees we get back together, but I thought we should try at some point. She is a very impatient person, and can't stand this sort of waiting in limbo. She just wants to get things over as soon as she can. She said we should get a divorce then work on each other and then maybe try to get back together. She said a divorce would make her feel like a clean break and starting over again, even if that is with me. I don't really understand her way of thinking. I have an appointment with a therapist next Tuesday and may they will be able to help me out with this.
Today was a day that made me think. My W spent most of the night on the couch with our S6 because he wasn't feeling well. I had to go somewhere for a couple of hours this morning and when I left they were both sleeping on the couch. When I got home she was getting frustrated with our S2 because he was basically acting like a 2 year old. She then left for the gym and came home a couple of hours later.
After she got home a work colleague/friend of hers stopped by to give us a cheesecake she made for my W (her birthday is Tuesday). I sat in the living room with the 2 boys while these women talked. My wife seemed so happy talking to her friend and it made me happy to see that. I sat there and couldn't remember seeing my wife that happy in a long time. Then I started thinking how long I have seen her like that around me and couldn't remember. That was depressing.
Later on my wife took our S6 to urgent care because he still wasn't feeling well while I stayed behind with S2. We found out my S6 has bronchitis.
Since she got home last night we haven't talked about her work trip other than her telling me a funny story that happened at dinner with another work colleague. I have no idea if she took her EA into a PA. Actually, at this point I have no idea if the EA is still going on (although I'm sure it is). I know I had a lot of anger towards her while she was gone on her trip and when she got home last night I couldn't look at her and didn't really say anything to her. She was trying to be nice to me but I can't get the image of her doing something with the OM out of my head.
Without really knowing what is going on with the EA I am not really sure how to act around her. I can't imagine her keeping it from me because I know she would feel so guilty. When she kissed the guy in 2009 she called me after she done it to confess. When she started this EA earlier this month she acted so differently towards me. She had so much anger and she couldn't look at me or talk to me. I knew something was going on although she didn't admit it until I saw the texts. When she got home last night and today she did not act any differently than when she left. I don't know, but maybe that's because she is getting more comfortable with the EA/PA.
Hello Eagle, I'm going thru a similar situation. My wife is having an EA/PA and wants a divorce. I work days but watch our child at night while my wife works. She also thinks nothing will change in the divorce. She thinks I will come over to watch our child while she works and still have family time. The board here seems to think that's 'cake eating'
Get to a lawyer and find out your rights. It made we feel a little better. One our consultation.
Tonight I managed to get into our phone records and I discovered that my W and the OM are still continuing their texts. They've texted each other 2600 times this month. I looked at past cell phone records and his number never shows up, which means this all started at her Vegas work conference. This makes me so sick.
Here attitude has changed towards me lately. She is much more pleasant around me. She actually talks about things, which made me think her EA/PA was over. I am so stupid! I guess I just want to believe these things but I should have known.
Now I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to go into her room and wake her up and tell her I know, but I won't do that. I know why she keeps saying she needs a divorce but can't really give me a good reason. It's because of the OM. She has a business trip where she will be with him in 2 weeks and this is killing me right now. I need to go to bed, but I doubt I will sleep. I love this women but I hate her at the same time.
While looking at the phone records I saw that when I took our S6 to Cub Scout registration last Tuesday and she stayed home to watch our S2 she basically started texting the OM as soon as we left. It makes me sick knowing that she is texting him at all but knowing that she is doing it around our children is just too much to take. I am so frustrated.
Sorry about the rant, but this is hard. I need to go to bed and try to get some sleep.
Brian99, thanks for the response. I read over you situation and they are similar. I agree with the cake eating comment. I know that is what my w is doing.
Well I didn't get much sleep last night. I am just trying to figure out what my next move should be. Part of me wants to just tell her all that I know (she knows that I know about the texts, but she doesn't know that I know they are still going on or how much they have been texting). Then there is a part of me that's wants to let this thing play out, but I think that could be dangerous as she gets more and more involved in the EA/PA. I just don't know how to proceed.
She has gotten very comfortable with her life now. When this all started she was a mess around me. She was angry and didn't want anything to do with me. Now she seems comfortable. It's like we are just roommates (which I guess we are), and she doesn't feel she is hurting me anymore.
I really want to catch her in the act again. I really want to confront the OM, but I don't know if I should do that either.
By looking at her text logs it appears that she has gotten smarter. Most of the texts are when she is out of the house or when I'm not at home.
At this point, I'm not even 100% sure I want to be with her, but I just want the chance to see if we can work this out. I know from reading posts on here (especially Sandi's) that will not be possible if she is still with the OM. I guess I'm worried if I do the wrong thing right now, it might drive her away for good.
I guess I'm worried if I do the wrong thing right now, it might drive her away for good.
Well have you ever grabbed a wet bar of soap?
The tighter you squeeze the harder it is to hold.
Also if you let something go and it comes back to you then you know it is yours.
If it flys away then you know that it was never yours to begin with.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's the absolute worst. Can I suggest something, as a person who's made this mistake, now you've seen the phone records- take copies or whatever to use as evidence. But then don't look again, believe me if only causes more pain the more you snoop. You've confirmed now what she is up to- and it hurts like hell. But look after yourself and your sanity and don't look anymore.
I'm in the same situation as you, he's speeding all guns blazing to get a d, maybe they do this to ease some of the guilt. Idk. But the best thing that you can do is to take care of yourself. Like cadet says, the more we seem to hold on, the more they rebel against her. And anger, well that only gives them a reason to justify their feelings- don't give her that satisfaction
I guess I'm worried if I do the wrong thing right now, it might drive her away for good.
Well have you ever grabbed a wet bar of soap?
The tighter you squeeze the harder it is to hold.
Also if you let something go and it comes back to you then you know it is yours.
If it flys away then you know that it was never yours to begin with.
Cadet, thanks for the advice. I actually think I have been doing good the last couple of weeks. I haven't tried to pressure her and I haven't pursued her. The only thing I've told her is I hope she gets her problems figured out (she is going to therapy) and that I need to work on myself. Then if this happens, I wanted to see if we could give it another shot. We've had this conversation maybe 3 times in the last month, but other than that I have kept my distance (even though we still live in the same house). We are basically living as roommates and don't talk about much except the kids.
I guess I am still just trying to figure out if I should tell her all that I know and if I do how should I tell her? That's my problem right now. I know that if I keep my mouth shut the EA/PA will just continue and that will be worse. I also know that it will drive me crazy knowing this "secret" and not doing anything about it.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's the absolute worst. Can I suggest something, as a person who's made this mistake, now you've seen the phone records- take copies or whatever to use as evidence. But then don't look again, believe me if only causes more pain the more you snoop. You've confirmed now what she is up to- and it hurts like hell. But look after yourself and your sanity and don't look anymore.
I'm in the same situation as you, he's speeding all guns blazing to get a d, maybe they do this to ease some of the guilt. Idk. But the best thing that you can do is to take care of yourself. Like cadet says, the more we seem to hold on, the more they rebel against her. And anger, well that only gives them a reason to justify their feelings- don't give her that satisfaction
Cherry, I understand what your saying about the snooping. I have already found myself checking our phone records this morning to see if she has texted him today and of course she has. I originally had the phone records for the first 10 or 11 days of their EA, but then I thought she changed the password because I couldn't access them anymore. Last night for some reason I tried again and the password worked. I don't know if I was somehow typing in the wrong password or if she changed it back but now I can see their phone records for the the last month, which is the length of this EA/PA. When the records were loading last night, my whole body went numb and I almost didn't look at them because I was afraid of what I would see. I had in my heart hoped maybe things had ended because her attitude towards me had been so much better lately. I guess maybe she has just gotten more comfortable in what she is doing and she has gotten better at lying.
I need to talk to her about this but I don't know how. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and maybe she can give me some advice. I know my W will not listen to what I say. I know it will probably take some outside influence or something to get her to stop, but it's so hard when I can't do anything.
I honestly don't think she wants to marry this guy or she is in love with him. I think she is just having fun and he makes her excited (she told me this when I originally found out). But I just wish she could see what damage this will do to her life, my life and especially our kids. I think she wants the quick D because of guilt and I don't think she has really thought about the consequences this will have moving forward.
The other question I have been wondering about is if she did change the password to our phone records and then changed it back in hopes that I would look. Like maybe she wanted me to find that she had still been texting the OM and she hoped that this would set me off and I would go for a divorce. I may be overthinking things I guess, but I feel like I'm being manipulated by her already.
I guess I am still just trying to figure out if I should tell her all that I know and if I do how should I tell her? That's my problem right now. I know that if I keep my mouth shut the EA/PA will just continue and that will be worse. I also know that it will drive me crazy knowing this "secret" and not doing anything about it.
Eagle11,
I understand what you're saying, and I'm not a vet or a DB expert, so don't act on anything I say without getting the opinion of others. After going through this process first-hand, there's no way I'd keep my knowledge of my WW's affair a secret. I'd confront her with the facts and cut her loose (i.e. boot her out the door). And, I would never tolerate that kind of behavior again.
You have every right to see the phone records and she's the one having the affair. You're not the one to be worried or afraid. The onus is on her and her boyfriend; I wouldn't hesitate to put the fear into them and anyone in their wake. But, that's the current doodler. Maybe the more docile crowd would have a different and better approach. However, being a doormat really pisses me off and the fact that I allowed myself to be a doormat makes me want to puke. Never again!
Again, I could be very wrong in my approach, and maybe I'm a bubble off center, but I'm not going to tolerate infidelity just because my wife is going through a rough patch.
Unfortunately, it needs to all come from then to want to stop it. Like you say, it's probably not even necessarily about the ap- it's about how they make them feel about themselves. If you manage to get rid of om, she'd either hold more resentment towards you for "controlling" her. And there would most likely be another person there to take his place.
It is a hard thing, because I don't really think it makes a blind bit of difference wether we let them know or not. Even if we see evidence, they get so skilled at lying- they will still argue that it's not an affair.
I don't know if you've read this yet, it was part of cadets homework. It makes a lot of sense about our spouse:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554 I don't think they do think about the consequences at all. The "we can still live together" was the same BS my wh came out with, I told him that it was impossible we could live like that. He then started to look for places to live. It really hurts that they have no consideration for the effects it will have on us or our children. This is why we have to try our very best to keep moving ahead, so we can protect our children the best that we can. They need a loving parent who is consistent and who can keep it together and protect them, and we are the only ones who can do this. It hurts like hell, I know. I'm 3 months pregnant with a toddler, and my wh thinks it will not bother the children at all. Delusional and hurtful.
Keep looking after you. Hopefully some of the vets will swing by your thread and offer you some more support and advise. I'm rooting for you.
That being said. I have never managed to hold my tongue regarding letting him know that I know he's cheating it. He denies it of course. But it's never anything I've managed to keep to myself. I'm not sure if this is good db-ing or right or wrong. Like I say, hopefully some more people will swing by and be able to guide you.
Eagle, I feel that your W's unresolved issues from her past could play a big part in her current actions. Even if she has an excellent therapist, it could take a while before she comes to terms with the things that happened to her.
If I thought she was the typical (if there is such) WW, I would be all over this, telling you how to deal with her. I honestly don't know what to advise in this case (except to protect the children). I believe there is much more than waywardness going on with your W.
I encourage you to call and talk to a DB Coach about your situation.
In the meantime, you may want to consider moving your story to the Midlife Crisis section in the forum. This may not be the same thing, but I feel the approach you take would be similar to the spouse that has a MLC W.
I'm not trying to run you away from Newcomers, but you might receive confusing advice for your particular stitch. That's just my personal opinion.
I am so sorry for you, your W, and the children.
Thank goodness for the vets! I'm still getting over a bad case of WW induced rabies. I assure you, I really am I nice guy.
doodler and Cherry, thanks for the advice. I know I need to confront her about this. If I don't I think I will go crazy. I actually think I need to wait until I cool off though because right now I don't know what I would say. I printed off her contacts from her phone and I was seriously considering texting her friends, family and the OM to let them know what I know, but I don't know if that would be a good thing. It would certainly be out of character for me though. As I think I mentioned earlier I am not one for conflict and I would be described as passive. I know that is not good in this situation and I need to get tougher.
I am definitely going to wait until at least tomorrow night because I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. This is my first time with this therapist so I have no idea if they will be helpful or not. I guess just getting to talk about all this with another person will be a good thing. I need all the advice I can get at this point.
Sandi2,
I never thought of my W as having a MLC because she is only 35 (will be 36 tomorrow). I will have to do some research on this today. I honestly do not know anything about it, but I am going to try to learn something and see if she fits into that category.
It's strange, but she doesn't seem to have the WW tendencies that you describe. She was only really angry or really detached from me for about 1 - 1 1/2 weeks. Now she acting somewhat normal towards me except for intimacy. We live like roommates, but roommates that get along. I have actually been the more distant one I would say in the last few weeks while she has been the more engaging. It's all really confusing me. At no time do I get the feeling that she wants to try to work things out but I also do not get the feeling she is in a hurry (despite what she has said) about ending things. I think she is lonely when she is home and I am not. I had to go away for 4 hours on Saturday and 3 hours on Sunday and she genuinely seemed happy that I was home. Anyway, I will look into MLC and see if she may fit more into that category.
Also, I know you asked last week about her relationship with our kids. This weekend our S6 had to go to ER for bronchitis and she took him and became Supermom. That got me to thinking how she is always there for our kids if they are sick or for big moments but it's the day to day stuff that she doesn't really want to have anything to do with. The simple stuff like getting them ready for school, making them dinner,etc she doesn't seem like she has the time for. She is fully engaged when they really need her, but other times she seems like she would rather be somewhere else.
Thanks for your help
I really need to figure this out. Now I have thoughts in my head that she wants me to fight for her or something. Be the opposite of what I have always been. Don't be so passive, take control. I'm thinking right now that maybe she thinks I don't really care about her if I am ok with her having an EA and I am not doing anything about it.
Of course I could be wrong and I need to keep my distance.
Sorry for rambling so much today, but my oldest son is home from school today because he is sick so I have nothing really to do but think about all of this.
Now I am venting.
She told me when we had a talk earlier this month that I was controlling. I think it had to do with money. Basically, she spends a lot of it. She has always been this way. She was in big debt when I met her and I always feared that we would end up that way again.
Anyway this got me thinking how I feel she has been the controlling one in our relationship. She encouraged me to get her a ring earlier than I would have. She was the one who convinced me to buy our first house when we lived in AZ, because she had to have a house. I tried to tell her it was too far from work and we were overpaying, but she had to have a house. She was the one that had us move from AZ to FL for her job. She was the one who realized she didn't like her job in FL and had us move to a job in NY, where she knew I would hate living. She was the one who decided we would have a 2nd child. I wasn't sure if I wanted one at the time but she basically seduced me (this is one controlling thing I am happy she did). Now, she is the one controlling this affair and possible divorce.
Sorry for the vent. I just needed to say that!