New thread.
Old thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695073&page=1So to summarise.
After 5 months of trying and believing W went NC and is doing work to save the M turns out i was wrong. Fully separated 14July16.
Separation details: im at the house half the week with son then she is. We have sunday lunch at home together as part of the handover. This the only time we see each other.
So im coming to a month of full separation. It has gotten easier but i still morn the loss of my family. Thurs night i went movies with female colleague (not a date) strictly platonic, she introduced me to wall climbing which i have enjoyed immensely. Anyhow in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight. Thankfully i was alone in the car - female colleague brought her own car, thank goodness, do not want people to see me like that.
Showing the house to a few buyers. Hopefully will get sold soon. I want to start a new chapter in my life with son.
New thread.
Old thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695073&page=1So to summarise.
After 5 months of trying and believing W went NC and is doing work to save the M turns out i was wrong. Fully separated 14July16.
Separation details: im at the house half the week with son then she is. We have sunday lunch at home together as part of the handover. This the only time we see each other.
So im coming to a month of full separation. It has gotten easier but i still morn the loss of my family. Thurs night i went movies with female colleague (not a date) strictly platonic, she introduced me to wall climbing which i have enjoyed immensely. Anyhow in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight. Thankfully i was alone in the car - female colleague brought her own car, thank goodness, do not want people to see me like that.
Showing the house to a few buyers. Hopefully will get sold soon. I want to start a new chapter in my life with son.
I will have to re-read your old thread, but from reading this...
WW & I sold our house when S began and I feel so much better having my own space - you have that to look forward to. It WILL feel pretty sore at first, but once you start to understand you can do what you want with it, you will start to feel some wellness come in. The page will turn and the chapter will be there with blank pages; you get to write this one. May I suggest, do not keep the M bed. Give it to WW or sell it and buy a new one. I got rid of as much joint owned things as I possibly could. It can be expensive to replace, but what is the price tag on your mental health? I did not want reminders in my hand every time I ate a bowl of cereal.
Wall climbing, as in a rock gym? Awesome. Recently got into that as part of my GAL and can't believe it has not been in my life earlier. Get you in great shape too.
I went on a hike with a woman today. It was not a date, but date-ish. She asked me, I accepted. I have no designs on her, but it was nice to be in the company of a woman, don't you think? Glad you held it together long enough to get out of there.
There is no cure for missing a child. My S4 is right behind your S in age. I miss him all the time. Worst part of all of this isn't it? I am sorry man. You can GAL the hell out of all this other stuff, but not that.
I need to identify the times when i feel really low and stick to a plan. I cracked last night and texted Her asking to confirm some suspicions i had that she never admitted to.
If GAL'ed myself to exhaustion and crash and sleep I do fine but those wee moments when im not doing and am alone is the hardest.
So in the interim whenever i feel like texting her i will do 50 push ups, 50 sit ups and 50 burpees first.
Stay strong. Otherwise, you're going to get ripped
in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight.
I know how that feels. I do the same type of thing. Just hits me, sometimes when there is some obvious reminder, other times just out of the blue. Hits me hard, grinds me into the pavement.
I have no designs on her, but it was nice to be in the company of a woman, don't you think?
Know that feeling too. Been listening to "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee.
CT1118 (sorry to hijack the thread briefly but) -- how will you know if you're ready to move on in terms of seeing another woman?
I have no designs on her, but it was nice to be in the company of a woman, don't you think?
Know that feeling too. Been listening to "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee.
CT1118 (sorry to hijack the thread briefly but) -- how will you know if you're ready to move on in terms of seeing another woman?
yea i want to know too.
Natus/ForGump:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289"CT1118 (sorry to hijack the thread briefly but) -- how will you know if you're ready to move on in terms of seeing another woman?"
I think that I have to say of myself that I am not ready to move on and see another person. Neither for me nor for a potential partner. I am working on me, that is where I need to be. The idea of a dating scene at 41 kind of sickens me anyway. I don't blow up bars anymore and I think the tinder/match whatever stuff looks like something I would not want to spend my time with. I have to become solid as an individual and I am. This means facing myself alone with confidence and security.
I said above that me going out for a hike w/ a woman this weekend was "date-ish". It was not romantic, the woman knows my sitch,and knows I am only interested in me and my S4 right now. Date-ish because she asked me and I was alone with a woman doing an activity. I would have been on GAL outdoors anyway at that time so I agreed. So, it was really just two adults hiking for two hours. I did not schedule a follow up or say anything special afterwards like I would have were I interested. But I said yes to hiking simply b/c I wanted to feel the presence of a woman in conversation and I got some good exercise in the process. I think others here may disagree w/ me doing this, but I know how I feel inside and know I went into this moment with a clean mind and made no effort to have it become more than what it was.
So, I am not sure this answers your question, but here goes: I believe that if my WW and I do not get back together, I will have more confidence and self-respect knowing that my decision not to be with her was one I made under the influence of myself, my own achievements, and my own choices for me; as opposed to being made while under the influence of a new romance or interest. I have read here a few times, and heard it myself from WW, "you should move on" or "You should date others". I have always responded with something like "what I choose to do or to not do is my choice." Imagine your WW coming to realize that the excuse does not exist in their mind of you finding someone else, but that you found yourself and made your choices from that viewpoint.
And then there is this - I think we will all know when we know. Another switch will have flipped.
And a PS for Natus - dude, your 50/50/50 thing is a great idea when you fell like txting her. I work out 6 days a week w/ a lot of core & push ups. But you do 50 burpees you are a badass dude. I used to try them, but holy st they hurt the body. I didn't feel so bad when I saw you were 10 years younger than me, but you keep those up dude. What a great plan when you feel tempted to contact.
Thanks for your answer, CT1118. Makes good sense to me. I think what you're saying is that you'll start dating when that decision can be made w/o your feelings/considerations for your WW has no impact on your decision. You just decide purely for yourself. Something to ponder for myself....
ForGump, no not exactly what I meant. If you read my threads, I did actually dated two women briefly when S first began and I slept w/ one of them. This turned out to be an error. I thought it would make me feel better, but instead it made me realize how desperately I needed to look at myself and not to others for feeling better. I had to feel better on my own.
So what I meant was that my actions w/ my WW today are my choice - not hers. Right now I choose to attempt DB process w/ WW b/c I believe what her and I could have in the future is worth it. I also understand that this choice I am making is allowing me time to improve myself in ways I never realized I would get to, but always wanted to. Ways that got me off chemical abuse, ways that helped me address a learning disability I never knew I had, ways that are helping me mature as a man and as a father.
When I first got here I asked cadet directly if at 8 months since the A began and 6 months since S, was I too late in coming here to be helped. Cadet responded, "I think it is too late when they put you in a box and pile dirt on you. Until then you have a chance." Those are profound words and I believe them. But they are not to be mistaken - its all our choice to live in every moment and learn.
I have moments where I lose the feelings/considerations for my WW, but I am aware that pieces of me will always be in love with the girl I knew as a teenager, the young woman I dated and lost in her 20's, the woman in her 30's whom I married and had a beautiful son with. Hell man, even the woman in her 40's who flipped sht and left me. If I feel a switch inside me that says I need affection and to be loved, even if that means the arms of another woman, I will make that a conscious choice and I will know when it happens inside me, but rest assured I will make that for me and not b/c I for lack for feeling or consideration about my WW; I'm not sure that I will ever be w/out those two things. My choice will be because I found myself, I am healthy, I know what I want in life, and my decisions came from there, inside me and not because I was distracted, because I was awake. If that is what I choose that is; it is only but one possible future.
Put S5 to bed last night. He has been a trooper through out. I notice that when we get home he checks to see if mummy's car is there. I can see the dissapointment in his eyes but he holds it together.
We chit chat / wrestle before putting him to bed. He went to sleep happy. I on the other hand awake and alone dont feel so happy but no temptations to text her or check what shes up to. Im taking that as a good sign.
Last day with S5 today then wont see him for a few days. Thankfully stbx will pick him up from afternoon class so i dont have to see her for handover. If possible i dont want to see her at all this week. For past month we have been having lunch every sunday to swap son but i just dont want to deal, make conversation etc. I'd rather focus on me and my boy.
I even want to stop texting her pics of S every am and pm ~ i dont know i just feel like when im with him that our life now. Shes not in the picture. Ofcourse it will work vice versa too meaning i shudnt ask what hes up to or ask for pics when he is with her.
How do you guys do it? I want to go full NC but obviously with S thats impossible.
Hi Natus - Quick question in your updates you refer to your W as stbx. Is that what she wants or what you have accepted as the likely outcome? I only ask as I read your sitch that physical S is still new and that there hasn't been any (as far as I know) legal proceedings to a D.
It sounds great about your positive relationship with your S5. I hope you find that balance of dimness/NC and still able to create a positive environment for the little guy.
hi smithy. She hasnt made any formal steps w the D but it was A consistant message i kept getting from her when we were still in-house and as we s physically shes made herself comfortable at her new home so i've come to accept it as the likely outcome
To be honest its more for my sanity than anything else really.
I dont want to have hope, i dont want to look over my shoulder. I've closed the door but its not locked i think yet.
Wishing the best for you. Emotionally detaching with "the door not locked" seems to the right move for you.
New GAL last night. Somehow got invited for dinner and drinks with some expats.
Arrived after spending time at the gym. A home cook Meal and beer was waiting for me, along with some good company. Different circle of people to which im used. First time hanging out with doctors / ward staff. First time hanging out with Germans and to be honest they are more down to earth than i expected.
It was pleasant. Im generally not good at small talk but made an effort. It needs more work.
Forgot to mention got re-invited to another one on Friday. I have mixed emotions, on one side its GAL on the other side sometime i just want to be alone.
Just journaling.
So went to the dinner party after a couple of tins of beer at border. It was nice, met more people. Surprisingly welcoming. Not use to that sort of thing but hey.
Figured out i need to stay away from alcohol cause it made me feel needy, i wasn't thinking about the STXW but another woman. Thankfully did not drunk call or text anyone. phew. Not that i was that drunk.
Also made me to sore to exercise the next day although i powered through and finished my workout. Definitely need to avoid drinking if i plan to compete this year.
Starting to make long term plans, i want to look for an apartment with a pool. My S5 would enjoy that immensely. I've identified one but need to get my finances in order.
Showed the house to a few potential buyers. Hoping some will bite sooner than later.
During handover today asked her if she would be okay if i brought him to england and scotland to visit my relatives. She was hesitant at first cause it would be a 3 week trip. She hasnt been away from him that long before. Also probably dawned on her like it did me that we wont do things as a family anymore. I've stopped feeling sad about it but instead starting to feel excited and looking forward to it. I've already spent many months grieving.
Accepting my reality that its over kinda helps, i think i can start enjoying planning new things. Ofcourse loneliness sets in from time to time but its much preferable than the feeling of being around WS.
Another by product is I dont know if im becoming wayward myself. I have come to realize im attracted to someone but i have purposely not made any moves whatsover despite seeing the person through work almost daily. I reasoned with myself that im waiting for the actual divorce before i would allow myself to date. That and i dont know if im ready and i dont want to ruin someone else with a bad relationship.
Hi Natus,
I have felt the same way before about someone else during this whole ordeal. In my mind, I have to ask the question if WW is willing to work things, would I choose that path or would I be strong enough to not go that route and be with someone else. Otherwise it is not fair to the other person right? (ie see uphills thread, dropped the new girl on a dime). It is hard to not be with someone else, but you haven't even been separated for a month yet. I think it would be a band aide for you.
What are you hoping to compete in? I think I missed that.
I like the expression you used......"powered through". Easy enough to understand the application to physical exercise. I think it is a good term in explaining how a LBS needs to be proactive in helping himself to survive the devasting fallout of the WW.
You are sounding a lot better, Natus.
In my mind, I have to ask the question if WW is willing to work things, would I choose that path or would I be strong enough to not go that route and be with someone else. Otherwise it is not fair to the other person right? (ie see uphills thread, dropped the new girl on a dime).
I have asked myself the same question over and over even before official separation. I just dont trust her to not to do this to me again. This wasnt a mistake. She did this when we first met, dated and now marriage. This is who she is. Its just taken me this long to see it. I honestly dont believe there is a way back even if she came banging on my door.
It is hard to not be with someone else, but you haven't even been separated for a month yet. I think it would be a band aide for you.
Thats a primary worry hence why i havnt pursued it. Especially since i like and respect the person.
What are you hoping to compete in? I think I missed that.
I did some amateur kickbox and mma. Not a friendly sport for the aging.
I like the expression you used......"powered through". Easy enough to understand the application to physical exercise. I think it is a good term in explaining how a LBS needs to be proactive in helping himself to survive the devasting fallout of the WW.
You are sounding a lot better, Natus.
Thanks Sandi. I guess im more focused on "powering through" and trying to build a life for me and my s5 without the W. Still hurts but the M is no longer taking up my headspace.
I am too committed to act on any feelings of attraction to anyone else, and I also know a new relationship at this time would be awful for me.
That said, the fact I am even looking at and noticing other men is huge for me. It feels like letting go a bit. I never looked at other men when we were together.
hi MMM1919. I too was committed. After being continuosly shot down for almost half a year i'm not anymore but that nots whats driving it.
Another thing is i dont think or want to get back together, i just cant. I cant let her do that to me again. Even if she completely 180 and started loving me for reals i dont think ill be capable to opening up to her again and knowing her she'll find another.
Like you im starting to notice other women but i wont be making moves for awhile.
in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight.
I know how that feels. I do the same type of thing. Just hits me, sometimes when there is some obvious reminder, other times just out of the blue. Hits me hard, grinds me into the pavement.
Reading this, I feel so blessed. I'm sorry you both are going through that. My WW left me with my 2 daughters. At first, I was somewhat taken by it since I suspected our daughters will prevent her from being with the OM. But now I don't care. I get to tuck my daughters, say good night with a kiss. Then start my morning by waking them up to get them ready for school. Something that I thought a mother must crave, unfortunately NOT my WW, but lucky for me cause my daughters are my world and my happiness. Again, my heart goes out to you guys.
Hi Raul, i have my son half a week and that itself is a heartache every time i have to hand him over. Glad you have your daughters.
@Natus,
For the last 3 months, it has been this way. But not sure if she will try to get custody after she files for D. But I have a back up plan and a good lawyer if she does. I have been documenting every time they are with me and how many times they are with her. Usually only two days out of the week with her. And even then, my daughters don't want to stay with her.
This past Saturday, my oldest daughter called me crying to pick her up. I told her that her mom wouldn't like that and to please spend it with her mother. My daughter said that her mother doesn't care. And I hear her mother say in the background if she wants to go then pick her up. That literally broke my heart. But I put my foot down and told her that she will have to get use to this arrangement. I cried after I hanged up. Not sure if I will do it again. This will make it the second time that my daughter wants me to pick her up. She said it doesn't feel like home and mommy is always talking to someone on the phone.
Had a horrible dream last night. In my dream i was trying to get back together with her. Literally woke up and scolded myself "dont you [censored] dare!"
Pissy start of the day. Going to go have an unhealthy breakfast.
2nd day in a row plagued by weird ass dreams. I blame the handover, making me emotional.
Im starting to wonder if half week rotation is good idea. Takes a day to get settled then two days later hand S5 to her.
Pros. I got the weekends to myself. Great for GAL.
Cons. I dont know maybe im whining cause i get to see son during her days cause i dont work Fri afternoons and she does so i spend the afternoon with him before she gets out of work.
Our schedule.
Sun Noon - Weds AM: S5 is with me. I get the whole sunday afternoon. Then Mon - weds theres work/school so its mostly me putting him to bed then waking him and getting him ready for school and sending him.
Weds PM to Sun AM: S5 is with her but i get to spend Fri afternoons with S5 cause i only work half a day on Fri. Sometimes i also pick him up from school on Sat and spend a few hours with him if she has work or something.
This setup is pretty sweet in that im single on weekends and i get to spend way more time with S5 then she does but i miss being a family and a full time daddy. If i could i would love for him to live with me permanently (wife not included).
Had a horrible dream last night. In my dream i was trying to get back together with her. Literally woke up and scolded myself "dont you [censored] dare!"
Pissy start of the day. Going to go have an unhealthy breakfast.
I have a few vivid dreams about my W. She usually gives me crumbs about being with her. I am happy. Then I look and she is gone. Then I wake up depressed.
The dreams are stuffed. It's just our brain not even taking a test when we sleep. My dreams are scattered but the less I see W the better.
Same here. I dont want to see her at all. Ill try my best to avoid her at all cost. Thankfully only time i do see her is handover on sunday.
Im seeing the light. A life of possibilities without her. It makes me cry and smile at the same time. Tears for the family i lost and my picket fence dream shattered but a smile because now i can spread my wings.
So i am ending the day with intense sadness. Worked out twice today, morning and night. Tonight pushed it hard for 2hrs then did some sparing. All i could feel after was emptiness. With that emptiness comes fire. Fire to push harder, faster, tougher.
Im probably going to be sore tomorrow.
Hey Natus, I get the sadness part of it. Tends to come less frequently now, but when it does it [censored]. Like you I find the exercise is an amazing outlet for my energy. Leaves me tired at the end of the day and helps to limit the thinking time before bed.
Hang in there brother! You have the right mentality of facing it and powering forward.
Im much better today, worked out in the morning then went to pick up son from handover.
Parked my car and saw my little boy and suddenly im just filled with happiness. Brightened my mood x1000, stepped out the car beaming. stbxw beamed back back but my smile was for my little boy, acknowledged her with a hi but i'll be honest i didnt pay her any attention.
So the void is great for fuelling workouts but in-between phew im itching to do something, anything, all the time. Ride into the wind, Join an all you can eat contest, scale a building like king kong and beat my chest.
I think im alittle frustrated that finances are coming along a little slow. No bike, no bachelor pad, no holiday into the unknown yet. Im impatient.
Exercise has been a huge calm in the storm for me too. Just wanted to mention that I've also recently started doing mud runs/obstacle course runs which has been a blast, and I bet you'd like it too.
Stuff like Warrior Dash, Battle Frog, Spartan, and at least in my state there are lots of smaller mud run 5Ks. Some have more challenging obstacles or longer distances, but the couple I have done have been great mood lifters, and lots of people do them walking the course if you're not big into running.
For me, it also gives me something new to exercise towards, getting better at various obstacles.
I think you might be on to something EDF. Time to google up mud runs in my area.
Been such a slow week its frustrating. Need a bike, need a holiday, need to ride off into sunset.
grr one more week then i shud have a bike. Got my eye on a 1993 immaculately maintained Virago XV1100. Fingers crossed the owner hasnt sold it off before my cash comes in next week.
Sadness and frustration seem to be the theme this week. Been going to gym, movies, had coffee w a girl (just chatting) but still moving forward feels so slow.
I pick up my S5 tomorrow so i have that to look forward to. I think we will go to a water park. He'd enjoy that immensely.
Just taking a little moment to feel proud of myself. Have not checked her FB or Instagram or any social media. Had a moment where i wanted to click but decided i dont really want or care to know.
Natus,
Good job! I hope everything is going well.
Just taking a little moment to feel proud of myself. Have not checked her FB or Instagram or any social media. Had a moment where i wanted to click but decided i dont really want or care to know.
That's excellent Natus! One small step at a time and before you know it you'll be taking leaps. Keep focusing on you and your S brother. D and I had a blast at the water park last week. It's great for making them happy and tiring both of ya'll out for a good nights sleep.
OM's W texted me today telling me he is taking a week off work. My response to this is really just meh but it would be nice to have some evidence that could help me out for divorce. Living in a muslim country infedility is a punishable offence.
Mostly though i want full custody, i dont want my son being raised at W parents house. Every single one of her family including her parents have failed marriages and the house has a history of drug abuse by her sister and brothers whom while clean now still live there.
consider contacting a private detective, may be worth having that evidence for the D hearing. But I wouldn't disclose the evidence unless you had to. Don't use it to get revenge, only if needed to protect your son.
Overall, glad to see you seem to be doing well, going forward is slow, but you have a lot of history that you are moving on from, and even though the way it ended $ucks, you still had a lot of happiness and it takes time to mourn the loss of that. One day at a time.
Hey coconut, yeah. I forsee fighting for custody will be messy . She seems to think all is great and why shouldnt S5 be raised there. There are about 3 to 4 families living in that one house (her brother and sisters with their kids). He wont even have a bedroom there.
Im keeping this close. I dont think she knows but after we sell the house im filling.
Do more activities with other people. Be it friends, or preferably, members of the opposite sex. It doesn't have to be anything serious at all, just fun. Lunch, coffee, skydiving, whatever. Find a female workout buddy. It'll feel great, I promise.
Hi TxHubby. I have a female colleague friend i go climbing with and she invites me out for GAL activities. It is nice.
Man i hate dropping off S5. Mummy couldnt or wouldnt take off for parent teacher meet so i had him an extra day which was awesome. Met his teachers and discussed what to do with him next year.
But after that i had to drop him off to her mothers cause i had to go to work. I think he sensed it cause i had emo songs on the radio and he was just being a good little boy.
I find the handover is always a trigger, not because of her but letting go of son each time.
There is also something else, i realized for a couple of weeks now i've become infatuated with female colleague who brings me climbing.
She's extremely likeable, hot too, makes me look like a sissy at climbing but what draws me most is that she has a big heart.
I havnt done anything or said anything. Actually i might be avoiding her cept we are in the same office. Its wierd, i never noticed her or other women before but now....
anyho im just journaling this. I am not going to make a move and hope its just a passing phase and as far as i know she just thinks of me as a friend.
There is also something else, i realized for a couple of weeks now i've become infatuated with female colleague who brings me climbing.
She's extremely likeable, hot too, makes me look like a sissy at climbing but what draws me most is that she has a big heart.
I havnt done anything or said anything. Actually i might be avoiding her cept we are in the same office. Its wierd, i never noticed her or other women before but now....
anyho im just journaling this. I am not going to make a move and hope its just a passing phase and as far as i know she just thinks of me as a friend.
Seems like a natural progression Natus. I've noticed at times that I also "see" women moreso than i would have in the past. I almost wonder if that sort of thing comes about as we rebuild confidence in ourselves as part of this process. I also have no intention of pursuing anyone else currently, but I can see that further down the road I'll be fine if my W decides not to come back. Sad and comforting at the same time i guess.
Don't beat yourself up about it. I think it's probably healthy and shows you're in a good spot w/ yourself. Keep doing what you're doing Natus!
I agree, it most probably is part of a natural progression. I'm not even slightly at s place where I notice other men. Someday maybe. I'm in no kind of a rush.. Plus, I doubt many men want a woman pregnant with her exs baby, I'm not sure I'm much of a catch!
Thanks lt0402 and Cherry. Thats good to know. Its very distracting though cause we see each other in the office everyday. Im just a little surprised and hoping it fades. She's really awesome but im no where near capable of being in a relationship plus i need to finalize the Divorce first before i can entertain any thoughts of it.
Hey Cherry, i think you'd be surprised what guys are into. Anyho You are going through something life changing and challenging i doubt you have time to look at other men, request for extremely hot doctor? :>
Triggers and crushing waves of sadness. I thought that part was done.
Its funny, i thought i knew sadness but wow i never knew you could drown in it.
Im okay now. Will be better tomorrow reunited with S5.
Dammit what is wrong with me. Im less detached now than i was last last week.
2x4 please!
Im thinking of snooping. Rationale, i want concrete proof shes been incontact w OM so i can proceed with divorce. I know dumb right....
Dammit what is wrong with me. Im less detached now than i was last last week.
2x4 please!
Im thinking of snooping. Rationale, i want concrete proof shes been incontact w OM so i can proceed with divorce. I know dumb right....
Nates, not dumb... I felt the same exact way, I did not want to give up on my M if she wasn't still communicating with OM.. I really was positive she was, but I needed proof before I was willing to move on. I put a VAR in her car and got proof the same day, and verification again in 2 days, that's when I felt I was justifiable in giving up on saving M.
I've always known i am vengeful and vindictive but noone has ever given me cause to be that way until now. I am plagued with disgust that OM can invade my family without repercussion.
Im torn between trying to be the better men and well... you can use your imagination.
I literally have a little memento on my desk that says "DO NO EVIL" and its losing. I might need to get into tattooed on my arm.
Speaking of tattoos, i completed my sons name on my forearm. I dont look weird kissing my arm when i am not around S5, no i dont.
Natus, it's hard as a man not to want to exact revenge on the OM, and I still wonder what I will do if I happen to run into him. but with that said, I recognize that the A was not his fault. She was my W, she should of been the one who had a boundary and stepped up and said no when he became inappropriate. I am finally finding forgiveness for my W, it feels good to not carry around that hate, but it's not the same with OM.
I don't see him, I don't know him, I don't feel like I need to forgive him because I don't think anything of him. But again, it scares me to think what I might do spur of the moment if I happened to run into him, even though I recognize my M was not his problem.
There is also something else, i realized for a couple of weeks now i've become infatuated with female colleague who brings me climbing.
She's extremely likeable, hot too, makes me look like a sissy at climbing but what draws me most is that she has a big heart.
I havnt done anything or said anything. Actually i might be avoiding her cept we are in the same office. Its wierd, i never noticed her or other women before but now....
anyho im just journaling this. I am not going to make a move and hope its just a passing phase and as far as i know she just thinks of me as a friend.
You're now seeing her in a different way because you're detaching from your wife. That's a good development, not bad. Don't be afraid of the colleague and don't avoid her. Just relax and do whatever comes natural and feels right.
Just relax and do whatever comes natural and feels right.
Nothing else i can do, everything feels so complicated though. I just worry is it real or is it because i dont want to be alone.
Just relax and do whatever comes natural and feels right.
Nothing else i can do, everything feels so complicated though. I just worry is it real or is it because i dont want to be alone.
That is a legitimate thought but my advice is not to over-analyze it. If it feels right then go what you want. You've been through a lot. It's ok to allow yourself to enjoy some positive things in your life.
Just relax and do whatever comes natural and feels right.
Nothing else i can do, everything feels so complicated though. I just worry is it real or is it because i dont want to be alone.
Hmmmmm....I have a hard time following this advice. Im not sure doing what "feels right" is the right path to follow.
Instead, Id recommend doing what gets you closer to your goals.
Just relax and do whatever comes natural and feels right.
Nothing else i can do, everything feels so complicated though. I just worry is it real or is it because i dont want to be alone.
Hmmmmm....I have a hard time following this advice. Im not sure doing what "feels right" is the right path to follow.
Instead, Id recommend doing what gets you closer to your goals.
Probably goes hand in hand. As you focus on achieving your goals you feel more at home with yourself and by default be more relaxed and in tune to whats right for you.
But yes i think i will focus on my goals first which is strengthen myself to survive the D, stabilise and enhance my finances and get my freaking bike (grrrr). Thanks for reminding me of this.
Limbo period, waiting for the next change in status.
Right now our son has been staying in the same house and its me and stbx rotating. As the process of selling the house moves forward we are going to have the hard talk about custody.
Shes offered to have him on weekdays (her excuse is its easy for her to send him to school as her office is 15 mins away) and for me to have him on Fridays-Sundays. I feel her reasoning is flawed cause i have no problem sending him to school on weekdays either and it sounds like she just want to have her weekends free.
I dont mind having S5 on weekends to be honest that means more quality time rather than on the work week but at the same it means no weekends for me either. Kind of surprised i feel that way..almost like im selfish.
Natus,
Take the deal dude... I'm sure in the back of your mind you don't want her to just have her weekends free to do whatever she wants, but the reality is that it's easy enough to find a sitter when you want to go out (or you can ask her to watch him), and there is a lot of weekend time when she won't be doing something and she'll be sitting in an empty house.
As for you, you will get a lot of quality time with your son. you won't have to rush through dinner, homework, and bath after school and not get the quality time.
stbx got sent to Dubai for training. S5 been with me the whole week and then until 2nd Oct. Its been awesome but also triggers, a constant reminder that we are no longer a happy family.
I make sure we play and go to the park and get ice cream but at the end of the day after putting him to sleep my mask cracks a little bit.
I hoped i was further along the detached train however a stupid episode and a dream where she was walking around with another man woke me up and left me feeling sick to my stomach.
12hrs later i think im understanding why the sudden crop up in feelings.
Im reacting to things that make me sad and compounding them into the break-up. Things like the slowness to find something better, the time its taking to sell the house, struggling business, coping with being single, myriad of other things that havnt pan-ed out.
Coming up on 8 months since BD and 4 months into physical sep.
Things have been slow in terms of milestones, still waiting to get house sold, still no bike (partially due to finances tied to house) but i have been GAL a lot. Weekend drives out to neighbouring countries and such.
I bumped into a girl i went on a few dates with when i was 18. Kindof weirdly coincidental. We have been going out a bit reminiscing about our youth and what happened in the 13-15 years in between.
I guess i am moving on.
I guess people reading my thread (especially newbies) may think why am i here if im not trying to save the marriage.
DB may or may not save your marriage but it can save you.
I made so many mistakes the first few months (and still am but less now) because i was "trying" so hard to win her back. Since then i've focused on being a better me and my son.
There are some positives now such as the stbx thanking me for being strict with her quite recently, making her want to be better for our son. Before when BD and the next few months one of her major gripes was that im a uptight, self righteous hard ass (her words). Its interesting to note now shes thanking me for the same qualities that she was complaining about.
Shes buying me gifts during her travels. Probably not a biggie but im almost actively avoided her / no-contact so i was not expecting anything.
She sends me pics / updates during her travels and stuff. This part is hard, i've been actively avoiding you for months so im trying to balance no contact and being cordial.
Im cordial but kinda cold in our interactions (in that way that i dont stick around for conversations) but she makes more effort to be nice and tries to initiate convo.
I've asked her directly when are we going to file.(once recently because i feel im ready for it). She says to hold out until after house is sold. We already have an agreement in place to split the sale anyway cause we co-own and pay 50/50 for the house anyway. Not really a big issue for me.
I might be reading to much into it but some may think these are postive-ish signs.
As for me i dont look for positive signs anymore. She's poisoned the well that was my feelings for her. The betrayal shook my core and im literally not the same guy anymore and im embracing it.
Finally getting some traction on selling the house. Booyah. Freedom awaits. I can almost taste it.
Incase any of you guys are reading my thread. Apologies i havnt been participating with the newcomers. I just find it triggers me, making me re-live all the lies and betrayal over and over again. Which puts me in a mood.
Plus i am not so far along to be able to give sound advice. Although to the newcomers you may read my thread and if you find similarities with your sich maybe you can learn from the mistakes i've made.
I think in terms of letting go. Im getting better, it takes conscious effort to not get pulled back, i would do well for a few weeks then blow it when the STBX does something or text that gets to me. Im more conscious of it now and am able to recognise it as a trigger and just find some way to take a time out or do something worthwhile. It does a world of wonders but does take conscious effort.
Hey Natus,
You're moving along, slowly but getting there. Everything happens in the right time and right place. Sometimes "the stars are not aligned", and you just need to hang on. It may be the worlds longest bend but you'll make it around there, yes you will. (I know, kinda redundant the 3rd time round)
And you don't need to sell the house first to finalise the D... It's a delay tactic from her side to keep you on a string - "how long is a piece of string really?".
Anyhows, keep your head up - stay conscious of how you feel and don't give in to your mind, it will run away with you whenever it can.
Follow your heart!
Hey Thanks DDJ, long time havnt heard from you.
Staying upbeat as house sold means some financial freedom for me yay. A motorcycle and a long ass trip to break the routine. Might try riding coast to coast of Borneo. If i can find some way to get the bike across pond might even ride from Singapore, through Malaysia and into Thailand.
If your heart is taking you there, then you will find a way.
But don't lose yourself to whats around you. Find yourself.
In life, we all look for our purpose. But here's the thing... we don't realise that our purpose can be found in every moment of everyday. A simple reply to a post to someone half-way around the world, could have been our purpose for that moment.
It's about sharing love Natus. That's the purpose!
So shes insisting dinner tonight for handover. Shes tried a few times now i think but i have managed to avoid it. Caught me this time because i didnt outright say no.
I suppose no harm to go along tonight. I just hope im further along the detached train that it doesnt pull me back in to the drama.
I dont know why i stressed over it. Pretty uneventful, i guess in my mind i was trying to figure out why she wanted to have dinner for.
Well i have S5 till Monday as shes going Bangkok with her sisters. First night of handover is always the hardest but got through it.
Shes sending me pictures and updates from her trip and buying me things.
I dont want be pulled back into any drama. Trying to balance NC and being pleasant is hard.
Shud i just abandon NC and just move forward and just be friend-ish to her? its not like im trying to get back together anymore.
I would at least be fried-ish to her, but only so there is less drama between the two of you because of your son.
Is it weird, nowadays i cant imagine not being separated.
I still have feelings for her, no doubt about that but i've made a good solid wall around me (or
*wonder what happen to my post ~ i guess will try again*
Is it weird, nowadays i cant imagine not being separated.
I still have feelings for her, no doubt about that but i've made a good solid wall around me (or at least i believe so, hasnt been tested yet).
Going to bring S5 to england & scotland for almost the whole December. It will be his first time seeing snow. Im looking forward to this trip as an escape from everything but at the same time there is a finality in it. A long near month long trip away from her. We will no longer be going on family trips, my heart breaks at the idea but excited at the same time.
A girl told me i was trying to hard to be alone, that i have so much love to give but i wont let anyone in. I wonder if that will be my default mode, to be guarded. To be fair its still early days for me. Some people have been on this site for years.
Checking in.
Picked up a guitar, never played before in my whole life. Trying new things. I was so lost at first, didnt know head or tails of what i was supposed to do. Thankfully a couple of google and you tube videos later i am practicing three chords.
Assembled a gaming / foosbal table for son. Oh that took a few hours was back achingly sore but in a good way. S5 was happy even though hes not yet gotten the hang of how to play it yet.
I thought i was doing well then i started to dream of her, i dont usually dream. Threw me out of wack and now im trying to find my center again. Feels like two steps forward then one step back.
I think i work myself up too much wondering when the sadness will go.
Hey Natus, a solid wall around is you good. But isn't a white picket fence better.
I learnt to face my tiger head on - she still spews alot in my direction - but i'm the only one rocking the boat now. You have to go back in and fight the fight, find peace in the madness.
Otherwise you will just carry that wall with you everywhere. Love is pain and pain is love. But you've had the pain, so now you need to show love. It was hardest for me to do with my ex-wife, but with God's grace, I now show her love, even though she doesn't deserve it. But if I don't show her love (not give her MY love) then I don't really love myself.
Behind anger, there is always pain. But you have to go through the pain to lose the anger.
I like to think my NC is pretty good except in one area. We are constantly sharing pics of our S5 throughout the day.
Sure it was nice at first but as im settling down more into life without her it feels like im being treated as a long distant husband.
Its not so much that i dont want to receive news and pic of S5 but she does it in the morning upon waking and expects me to do the same. Through out the day, going out, eating, toys and again before S5 sleeps. The frequency is a little much.
Quite frankly i dont want to be texting her first thing in the morning or receiving text from her first thing in the morning.
Should i bring it up nicely, you know "hey, i appreciate the photos and i love having updates on our S5 but its alittle difficult adjusting to our separation if we are in constant contact with each other"...bla bla bla or just stop on my end and see if she emulates?
I'd start a new system like uploading them to a shared photo site. This is what you will do and she is welcome to do the same but is free to do as she wishes.
Not sure i want to go the shared photo site route purely cause i dont think i can be bothered.
I just want to reduce the non-essential contact. Is it me? it does feel like i want to cut her out of my life.
It sound like real detachment and that's good. Just do what you want with no discussion.
Hi Natus,
I was doing the photo sharing with my H, but I was the one initiate if. And to be honest, I did it because I was thinking of him, I wanted him to share these moments with me. So maybe your w is the same. You are right of being a long distance H. You can have boundaries if it's not working for you. I am still learning to detach, and I learned that texting back and forth really was not helping, even it's only about children. My opinion will be ask nicely but firmly. If she got upset, don't let her drag you into an argument. Try to think of what she might say and prepare some non reactive responses. I would say these texts are part of her cake eating attempt. Separation with children is hard. I have to make excuses for H to not come over so regularly so I can keep sane... good luck!
It sound like real detachment and that's good.
I wish that was true. I feel as though im actually think more of her now than before or maybe im just fixating on the problem.
I want to reduce the contact for me. Its not so much DB but me recognizing its making me feel low. I want my time with S5 to be my time.
So i went with telling.
I arranged to call her ahead of time and when i did i said that i enjoy and appreciate the photos and updates but its hard on me adjusting to separate lives if we are in constant contact right now. I said wishing S5 goodnight is still on the table but im not comfortable texting or receiving text first thing in the morning but ofcourse anything important like school, medical, travel etc should be communicated.
She didnt sound too pleased but i need it for me, i dont want to have to think about her everytime im with S5 updating her on every little thing.
Have to admit i was a little down after the conversation. Never fun and is not like im enjoying any of this but i need to do it for me. On the plus side when im with S5 now its just me and him which lightens the load.
we've talked about divorce and she said she would follow it through after the house is sold and we are signing papers this sat. I think im ready. I hate it but i know i can survive.
Cleared out the last bits of the house during the weekend. Stbx was there but i was primarily focused on the task at hand. I was polite enough just not conversational.
As we drove off i saw her looking at me, she looked i dunno miserable. Ick it started me off down the road of mind reading.
We have considerably less contact now after i asked her to stop texting me first thing in the morning and reduce the day time texts unless its important. I guess those are my boundaries now as we continue to have separate lives.
Still wondering when the sadness will go away. I think im codependent on my son. When its her turn with her im miserable.
On a plus note got my bike. A well maintained custom rebuilt 1992 1100cc Virago. Though now i have a nagging thought in the back of my head urging me to go faster and faster.
One week to go til long christmas trip with S5.
Sorry about the sadness. It sounds like you have made some big steps and are doing lots of good stuff for you. I've thought a lot about motorcycles in my future...
I love motorcycles, only problem was for so many years access to one and me always prioritizing wife, family, everyone else kinda got in the way.
Being out on the road, you are hyper aware of your surroundings. sights, smells, the breeze, the heat coming up from the road. Its as close to freedom as it gets. I'd rank it up there with wingsuit gliding which i hope to one day try.
Felt like relapsing today. The urge to snoop suddenly came over me. I didn't but it definitely bothered me how much i wanted to.
Good job on fighting the urge to snoop. I used to snoop everyday and all it did was build anxiety. The thing is I never really found anything but you wouldn't believe the stories I could make up with the information I was gathering. Once I stopped the snooping and stalking on social media my mind was much more at ease.
Yea, i unfollowed her on any social media as soon as seperation started. I dont know why all of a sudden or maybe i do at the sudden rollercoaster.
Was literally arguing with myself on whether or not to snoop. Its the worst when driving in a car, so much time to think. I've been hopping onto the bike for this very reason, on the bike there is no thinking. Just riding.
Just journaling.
Hard day yesterday. Signed the sales and purchase agreement for the house. Felt miserable, on top which its her turn with s5 until next week.
I've developed an almost obsessive attachment to the bike. Without s5 i dont use the car no more. To much thinking while driving. Just want to stay on the bike, hear the roar and put in the miles on it.
Might pop over the border with the bike for the weekend if i didnt need to save so much money for holiday getaway next week. Or maybe i could do a day trip. Its a 5hr journey to and fro.
Glad you have an outlet. You might look into meditation and/or cognitive behavior therapy to help with the non-stop thinking. I have and continue with both and they help. Stay safe!
I might just do that jug. I cant hop on the bike all the time, trust me i'm itching to all the time.
Felt like relapsing today. The urge to snoop suddenly came over me. I didn't but it definitely bothered me how much i wanted to.
Yep!
It's all illusion too, the i am ultra happy and smiling stuff.
And the monkeys going yeah, looking great, better than ever, go to it. Your new R suits you. Etc etc
Bleh
However when you need true Intel FB is a great place to go.
And remember the bike, go bike like the champion you are.
V
Right V. Noone wants to know you are in pain, so you smile and wave and jump the hoops.