Have i been making mistakes too long part 8

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...104#Post2680104

Good morning tk.

How are you doing today.

V,

My plan is to go back to AA. It is really embarrassing though. I am supposed to be a man and be able to control myself at all times but the truth us that I cant. I have to get help with this.

The W is gone and will not be returning and that is ok. I don't miss her anymore but I miss being a part of a family.

I have no excuse for my actions at this point. I know that what I have been doing is self destructive. Im just overwhelmed. W keeps enrolling the kids in to camps and has signed an agreement for the use of their neighborhood pool. Im financially tapped out. I want the kids to have everything they deserve but its breaking me. She has left me with a complete mess of a house. She was a pack rat and refuses to come get her things. I feel paralyzed and cant seem to get the ball rolling on getting the house on the market. I need to get out of the house. their are too many memories.

All three of the kids are in private school and I cant afford it. Im falling behind on payments. The AC broke down at the house and I had to get it repaired $500. It seems that everything cost 500 these days.

As far as drinking, im pretty proud of myself. The new people I have been associating with are toxic. They called me all night last night trying to get me to come drinking. I was able to refuse and had a sober night for the first time in a while. Actually got some much needed rest.

My D12 had a choir concert last night. I managed to get through it although it was very difficult to see the soon to be ex. she looks so happy and like none of this is bothering her. D12 won another award. Im so proud of her.

I am trying to make it through the week with no alcohol. Im booked to play Friday night and it really scares me. If I can make it through a night of playing without drinking, I would be so proud of myself.

Sorry for the long post

SH,

Im doing pretty good this morning. I have a meeting coming up at 9:00 with the client here at work. Im trying to finish up 2 warehouses on a nuclear power plant. Talk about stressful!

I cant tell how much I appreciate you guys on this site. Im still struggling and know im facing a hard transition but at the moment I feel up to it.

I will check back in after the meeting. Wish me luck and thanks again.

TK
i just want to let you know that i believe you can get through all of this. I know there is a great plan for you and you will reach it.

How has your day been tk?

Hope all is well.

Hi TK, looking forward to hearing how you are doing my friend :)x

Hey guys,

Just an update.
Its day 3 and no alcohol!! Im feeling much better. As we all know alcohol is a depressant and I know that was leading to a lot of my dark thoughts. Also It was causing me to be extremely ashamed of myself.

Today is my D 13th birthday and I have the kids tonight. I have been saving up to get her braces and I finally have enough money to get it started. We will be having dinner and cake tonight at my place. Im looking forward to it.
The past two nights have been good. Trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied.

Last night I helped a friend repair a lawn mower and turned in early. I feel great today other than the emotional feelings of my D birthday. These are good emotions. Im just so proud of the young woman she is becoming.

I received good news from work yesterday! I will be renegotiating my contract and signing for 2 more years. Im at the end of my contract now and it has had me worried for a while.

I spoke with the STBX last night regarding the finances. At this point we still share a bank account and I have been acting as her accountant through this whole ordeal. I cant do it anymore. She will have to be responsible for her own bills from now on. I don't think its fair for me to carry the burden anymore.

So all in all, I have had a good week. And mostly thanks to the support of all of you. Its so weird to have these friends who care so much even though we will never meet in person. I feel like I know you all.

I hope you all are doing well!

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

So all in all, I have had a good week. And mostly thanks to the support of all of you. Its so weird to have these friends who care so much even though we will never meet in person. I feel like I know you all.

I hope you all are doing well!

It is great to hear how well you are doing. It provides me with a sense of joy, because as you say, I feel as if I know you a bit and knowing that you are progressing and doing well is a pleasure for me.

Enjoy your d's birthday today and make it a special one for her.
And keep taking it one step at a time. Day by day and before you know it, the path ahead will appear brighter and brighter.

Be well today my friend.

TKD

I really encouraged to hear that you are doing better, and have abstained from alcohol this last few days. good job.

That being said, I cannot emphasize enough that alcohol is but a symptom. I strongly advise you get back into some type of support for your drinking problem. I suggest AA, but that's just me.

It does seem weird sometimes that the people that were able to have deep conversations with are people we will probably not meet in the flesh. Maybe that's why we're able to be so open. Who knows.

Keep up the fight on the not drinking, and before you know it you'll have 30,90,6 months, and a year of sobriety.

Glad you have had a better few days and hope your D has a super birthday. Well done with the sobriety.....now then, what arrangements/support are you going to put in place to maintain this and move forward?

x

Sotto,

I haven't really put any plans together to maintain the path im on yet. I am planning to go back to AA but haven't had a chance. Its been a very busy week.

As for D13 Birthday, I bought a cake and had set up to make dinner, but when I called to pick her up she didn't answer. When I finally got in touch with her she was at the neighborhood pool and didn't want to come over. This kind of crushed me. I had been looking forward to spending some time with her. I went by the pool to see her but the STBX didn't put my name on the membership. They let me in anyway. I told her I loved her and that I wanted her to spend her birthday having fun with her friends.

Even though I paid for the membership the STBX didn't put my name on it. That's pretty messed up if you ask me.

Anyway, I went home and repaired my mower that my neighbor broke. She put gas in the oil.

Although this whole ordeal hurt, I tried not to take it personally. However, In my opinion, at 13 years old she should not make plans that she doesn't intend to keep. I think her mother should have made her stick to the plan.

Tonight I have S11 5th grade graduation ceremony. This will be another emotional evening.

Im still sober though.

tk,

I am so sorry to hear about the situation with d13. But you handled it well and that is what I want you to focus on. Teenagers can be a challenge even in the best of circumstances, so I imagine your d13 is going through her own struggles due to the family situation. I am proud of you for handling it so well as I know that it hurt. I know that because when my d5 shows that she would prefer to do something not with me I feel the pain. And she is t young to know better.

This is another step forward for you. Recognize it, learn from it, draw strength from it.

Now set a firm plan and goal to get started with AA. Please commit to those of us here supporting you. We are here to hold you accountable for healing from this sickness.
Post the plan and then follow through.

We believe in you. We are here to support you. I am praying for you.

Enjoy your evening with your s11.

Be well today my friend.

OK, This is my plan. feel free to correct me where you all think I my be making a mistake.

1. Stay sober: I plan to attend one AA meeting a week starting next week. I have too much going on this week to start.

2. File for D: STBX has not yet filed and I originally said I wouldn't file because I didn't wasn't the D. However I feel that I need to move forward and get the ball rolling.

3. Open a new banking account: at this point we are still sharing an account and I am held responsible for taking care of all the bills including hers.

4. GAL: I am going to stop playing piano at the clubs. If I am to remain sober this is important. As much as I love to entertain it scares me to be in those places. Im not sure what I will replace this with. maybe joining a gym?

5. Stop facilitating the STBX: I will no longer move, store, or pack her things. The things I have packed will be dropped off at her place.

6. Get the house ready for sale: too many things to list.

7. Focus on spending quality time with my children: Although STBX doesn't see it, they are hurting and need me to help them through this ordeal.

These are in no specific order but I guess its a start.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hi TK, good for you coming up with some specific goals. I think no.1 is great and should be a priority area. Is there more than one meeting you can go to if you're not available on a particular night etc?

For 2 - this is up to you of course. We all just need to reach a point where we are at peace with our decisions. Conscious you haven't been in the best place recently - is it a good time to make a big decision?

3. Agree - sounds like a reasonable plan. And importantly, sounds like you guys need a longer term plan in terms of the finances.

4. Not going to the clubs sounds like a good idea - and so would be a clearer plan to replace that. Ie: I'm going to join a gym and have an induction during June etc. Also, I do wonder whether you might consider using your musical talents to give others joy - my Mum loves it when a guy comes to play songs at her day centre.

5. Maybe make this a positive plan. I'm going to get STBX stuff removed by X date.

6. Great - what's the timescale here?

7. Absolutely - and hopefully you can plan some specific summer activities.

What works for me is to have a little notebook and I jot a goal down on the top of each page. Then I flick through the book, adding 'next steps' for each goal in below. I tick them off when I've done them. I have about 15 goals on the go at the moment....

X

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

OK, This is my plan. feel free to correct me where you all think I my be making a mistake.

Having a plan is good. Don't be afraid to make some mistakes. Many will provide feedback, but trust yourself as well.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

1. Stay sober: I plan to attend one AA meeting a week starting next week. I have too much going on this week to start.

Yes, I think many would agree this is a key part of the plan for you. This should be a priority for you in your healing process.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

2. File for D: STBX has not yet filed and I originally said I wouldn't file because I didn't wasn't the D. However I feel that I need to move forward and get the ball rolling.

Only you can know if this is a good goal for your plan. My honest opinion for this though, would be to take care of your first goal first. This is a big decision and you want to be in the right place before making it. I encourage that you do not do it from an emotional place, and it may be best to do when you are "whole" and healed.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

3. Open a new banking account: at this point we are still sharing an account and I am held responsible for taking care of all the bills including hers.

Protecting finances in separations is a good thing. Seek financial or legal counsel for this and then you will have the details that can aid you in making a wise decision.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

4. GAL: I am going to stop playing piano at the clubs. If I am to remain sober this is important. As much as I love to entertain it scares me to be in those places. Im not sure what I will replace this with. maybe joining a gym?

This is a good idea. Are there other options to play the piano where alcohol is not involved? In my area there is a place called Organ Stop pizza. It is a family pizza place with this very cool organ that some folks play while everyone listens and eats pizza.
I would also encourage that you make a goal for the gym, or other activity during the times you plane to avoid the current places you are going to avoid.
It is always a good rule of thumb to replace an activity we want to stop with another that we can benefit from. IMHO.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

5. Stop facilitating the STBX: I will no longer move, store, or pack her things. The things I have packed will be dropped off at her place.

Do you need her stuff out of your place? Maybe set her a deadline togged it? I don't really have a thought on this, other than what ever you do, do it for you and be kind as it relates to her.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

6. Get the house ready for sale: too many things to list.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

7. Focus on spending quality time with my children: Although STBX doesn't see it, they are hurting and need me to help them through this ordeal.

Always a good idea for us LBH. The children need a stable parent, and we can be that. Learn the things that can aid you in being the best dad ever. You have some making up to do I am sure with your situation, but it is never to late.

Get these going and stick to it. I am proud of you for admitting you have an issue and seeking out assistance. It will be a long road and with its challenges. Take it one day at a time and you can do this.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Just an update from last night.

My S11 had his 5th grade graduation. I get confused at these things. My D waved me down and had saved me a seat next to the STBX. It makes me very uncomfortable. It seems that STBX wants to play family in front of others. Our children go to a prestigious Christian school here and STBX has always tried to act different in front of these people. Most of the kid's at the school come from very wealthy families. I however work my tail off to keep them in this school.

Anyway, it went ok. when it was over I told the kids goodbye and went home. Around 9:30, STBX called and told me not to take my feeling toward her out on the kids. Im not sure what she meant there. Then she goes on to tell me that she has seen no change I me and that if she did she may have reconsidered the separation. Again, im not sure what is going on here. She then tells me that it should have been me that moved out. I had no place to go and I didn't want the separation.

the conversation went on for a while with here telling me why she left and how I haven't change. Im so confused at this point.

I have the kids this weekend. She calls this morning and asks if its ok if the kids go to a cookout at her brother's on Saturday and she said I come too if I want. What the hell is going on? Im not interested in playing family. She says that I should do it for the kids. Ok, this is where I screwed up. I told her the kids could go but I would not. I then went on to tell her how much I missed her and loved her. I said, I want my family back and that I have changed and im continuing to change. Im trying hard to become a better person. Then silence on the phone. She then said, I know. I told her to have a great day and we hung up.

What does all of this mean. She hasn't called me in moths and all of the sudden calls to tell me why she left. She has told me why she left many time before. I just don't understand.

good morning tk

Okay, my first bit of advice forthe confusion, is to stop trying to make sense of her actions and conversation. This is part of the rule that you believe nothing that she says and only half of what she does.
By not trying to analyze it all in your mind, you will not be confused by it. I know, easier said than done, but you need to do it.

As for "acting" like a family. Here is where I would recommend that you avoid "acting" or viewing it as such. These situations are difficult, but I have found that you need to be a father in these moments and that can be done by thinking as a father to benefit the children.

My DB coach gave me some great advice that helps me. Try and view your W as a sister or really close friend. This way you will treat her well, with the love and respect one has for a sister. The behaviors are different than for a W. But in these settings you won't be acting, yet you will be kind. This is a win win for the kids, and your efforts in Dbing.

Now, move your focus to you and your goals. This is where your energy is needed right now.
What day are you going to AA?
What have you replaced your piano engagements with?
What is your next activity with your children?

I'm here for you brother. Keep taking it one step at a time.

Yea, I know about believing nothing she says. I just that she has said noting for so long it made me feel like maybe she was having second thoughts. Just when I feel like im letting go of the rope, she hands back to me.

As for AA. I have looked at their schedule and I am planning to go Monday night. I have the kids this weekend.

I like playing golf as does my S11. so im going to start playing more with him. We are going to play Saturday.

I have to play piano tonight and this will be the ultimate test as far as the drinking. I play alone. kind of a piano bar setting where I play requests. Most of the time the people tip me but they also buy me drinks. I have in the past made an announcement that I would rather have tips than drinks but they never listen. So im going to do my best to abstain.

I cant help thinking about the conversation with the STBX. Its making my head spin. Its almost like she is trying to dangle the carrot just to throw it sway again. It seems cruel. If she doesn't want me then why does she keep reminding me of why she left. Like she's trying to convince herself that she did the right thing.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

Yea, I know about believing nothing she says. I just that she has said noting for so long it made me feel like maybe she was having second thoughts. Just when I feel like im letting go of the rope, she hands back to me.

She can try and hand you the rope. But you do not need to take it.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

As for AA. I have looked at their schedule and I am planning to go Monday night. I have the kids this weekend.

Perfect! I look forward to your report on how that goes for you.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I like playing golf as does my S11. so im going to start playing more with him. We are going to play Saturday.

This is great. GAL and time with your son. I wish I could play golf. But my blood pressure does not handle the frustration very well. LOL

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I have to play piano tonight and this will be the ultimate test as far as the drinking. I play alone. kind of a piano bar setting where I play requests. Most of the time the people tip me but they also buy me drinks. I have in the past made an announcement that I would rather have tips than drinks but they never listen. So im going to do my best to abstain.

Forgive me for saying this, but this does not sound like a good idea. You have an addiction that you are trying to break, and you are going to walk right into the heart of temptation and tell me that you want to see if you can pass the test???
You sound as if you are justifying not passing it already simply by asking the patrons not to tip you with a drink??
Here is my 2X4 for you my dear friend tk.
DO NOT GO TO THIS!!
I hit you in the head with this, and do so as gently as possible, but I do it also by being firm as a friend would do out of concern for your well being. you are not ready for such a test my friend.
I ask that you reconsider going to the gig.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I cant help thinking about the conversation with the STBX. Its making my head spin. Its almost like she is trying to dangle the carrot just to throw it sway again. It seems cruel. If she doesn't want me then why does she keep reminding me of why she left. Like she's trying to convince herself that she did the right thing.

All the more reason that you need to reconsider your gig tonight my friend. Are you really in a good place to test your limits today?

Now that I have whacked you with the 2X4, I want to commend you for posting on another thread today. Sharing wisdom and support is very therapeutic as well as it can help reinforce the things you should be doing. One does not want to give advice, if one is not following it themselves, Right!?

I will be checking back with you my friend. Please take what I have said to heart and know it comes from my heart.

SH,

Don't get me wrong. I love playing golf. I am terrible at it but I still love it. My S11 however is amazing. He plays from the ladies Tees but usually beats me by a stroke on every hole lol.

I do appreciate the advise and you are absolutely right. I shouldn't go to play tonight. Unfortunately I am under contract for 3 nights in May. This being the third. I cant cancel at this point. Im just going to have to do it sober.

I stared playing in the clubs when I was 17 years old. They let me in to play but I wasn't allowed to leave the stage. I remember looking around and thinking i would never be like these people. I would never be making a fool of myself and stumbling around like an idiot. I remember some of the men i played with. They were in their 40s. I thought "how depressing, these old men still playing these clubs. I would never be like that. Im going to be rock star."

Fast forward to the present. Im the old man behind the piano. However, it pays well and to honest, it makes me happy to know that i am bringing some joy to other people. It sounds corny i know but its the truth.

I have 2 nights booked in June. After that im done.

"I'll do my best to abstain"

That sounds a little wishy washy to me. If anyone buys you an alcoholic drink, maybe just let them know - you've given up drinking - or announce it on the Mike even....

Hope the event goes well and I look forward to hearing how pleased you are with yourself because you were able not to have a drink.

Have a lovely soda pop on me!! X

Then please make sure that you have a plan and stick to it.

Bring some bottles of water, a bucket to dump the drinks out that you are tipped, or whatever works. You have a number of days sober.

Please keep it that way.

Keep encouraging s11 with the golf. That is very cool

Sotto,

I agree wishy washy. Im going to play piano tonight without drinking alcohol. I think that's a better statement!

Who knows maybe ill play better lol!

SH,

today is day 5. I knew I would have no problem during the week. I go to bed very early. I am up at 4:45 for work every weekday. I also had several things going on during the evenings this week. Its the weekends that usually get me. The alone time. I pick the kids up tomorrow morning and I don't drink when they are around. After tonight it should smooth sailing for the rest of the weekend.

As for the s11 and his golfing. he is a natural and I encourage him in everything he does.

I have awesome kids. They are all so talented and extremely smart and to honest STBX is a great mother. For this I am very grateful.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

Sotto,

I agree wishy washy. Im going to play piano tonight without drinking alcohol. I think that's a better statement!

Who knows maybe ill play better lol!

This is a good statement.
What are you going to do instead?
I ask this, as bad habits are hard to break when one simply says they are going to obtain from doing it.
Habits become easier to break, when one replaces the bad habit with something else.

So what will you do instead of drinking?

I don't mean to keep pushing you on this, but I want to see you succeed.

And I am certain your playing will be better when sober.

Just checking in with you tk.

How did things go last night?

Hope all is well and that you have a great day with the kids today.

Checking in.

I hope your day with the kids was a good one for you.

I hope to hear that you are doing well after your gig last night.

Yes, I'm checking in too TK - I hope the gig went well for you and you're having a good weekend.

Remember, we are looking out for you and keen to help.

Xx

The gig went well.

I did have 3 beers though. Im sorry i let you all down.

Golf with the kids was great. I took my son and nephew. They both beat me lol.

I went to the cookout with my stbx family. I stayed about an hour then went home.

Waw sister is in town and the kids didnt stay with me last night. Im ok this morning but a little down and feeling lonely. Its raining here and i had trouble sleeping last night.

Its going to be a long day

It's good to hear from you tk

Alright, you have a good connection with s11. That is a great activity to keep up with him. You better get out to the driving range and practice so you can compete with him. Or is it the putting game you need to work on. Lol.

Okay, so on a serious note. The gig's. You have a couple more. They seem to be a place of challenge for you. I am guessing 3 beers does not make you drunk, but for your current condition, they are still sliding you backwards, and this can not be an option.
So first, be sure to forgive yourself for the back slide. Next you need a better plan for the next gig. You can not go in and just hope for the best. You must have a specific plan.

tk, I can't say that I know how hard it is and will be for you. But I can say I know that there are people in your life that are counting on you and need you to be whole and heal from this sickness. You and only you can decide how you are going to do it.
I have learned and taught my children, that decisions based on principles must be made before we are standing in the place where temptation will be. That is the only way to overcome temptation.

Please heed this teaching. You need it. Your family needs it.

I will continue to be here to support you.

Have a wonderful day, and get out in that rain and enjoy it a bit for me. I live in a desert and have the opportunity to see rain but a handful of days in the year. So enjoy some rain for me today.

Thanks SH,

Rain is depressing! Although im ok this morning, its just stinks to be alone

There us something i havnt told you about. There is a girl that i like and she wants me to help here unpack some things today. I have been with a few women since the w left and they were all the same. A bunch of bar flies. However this one is different. She doesnt drink and doenst approve of me drinking. I met her through work and not at a bar. I know im emotionally broken but i really like this girl.

We talk daily and she is understanding and supportive. I know i dont need a serious relationship now but i really like talking and hanging out with her. She has her life together which is more than i can say about the others. At this point we are only friends but she has told me she has feelings for me.

Should i continue this relationship?

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

Should i continue this relationship?

tk,

What would you tell your son if he were you asking this question?

2X4
You know the answer.
Do you want to repeat the pattern?

Please focus on getting well.
You have an illness that requires your full attention and strength. You know this.

What will you do?

"I know im emotionally broken but i really like this girl."

Hi TK, I think the above statement says it all really. If she's a great gal, she deserves a guy who is emotionally whole and healthy. Try googling relationships and entanglements - makes for interesting reading - and in your current place you'd be heading for an entanglement for sure.

So, what steps can you take to move forward to a healthier place emotionally. At the moment, you're still gravitating towards booze and women. Isn't that what you wanted to move away from?

Yes, I agree three beers isn't great - but don't worry about disappointing us - worry about your own wellbeing. Are you headed off to AA tomorrow or is it a holiday there?

I agree with SadHub, best to get out and do something. And I would also tell this nice gal that you are not in the right emotional place to consider a R just now - maybe you and she will link up at some point in the future....when you don't even need a band aid.

Hope you have a better day my friend

So, I went to church on Sunday. I was hoping the kids would be there. STBX said she was taking them. They weren't there. I took them to lunch and then they came over for a while but wanted to leave. They said this house makes them sad. This is crushing me.

Then yesterday was memorial day. I woke up early and finished s11 tree fort at the STBX place. She made sure I was uncomfortable. When was through I went home and worked on the house all day. I tried calling around 8 to tell the kids Goodnight. I finally got some9ne on the phone around 930. I lost my temper and said some things to STBX that I shouldn't have but why does she send me to voice mail. She knows I only want to talk to the kids.
I didn't sleep last night at all. I'm laying out of work today. This used to happen a lot at first but this is the first time in months that I didn't sleep at all.

I didn't go to AA but I didn't drink at all.
It seems that my kids don't want to be with me anymore. I feel abandoned by everyone.

TK, the piano playing part jumped out at me particularly.

If you have the talent, and enjoy entertaining others, it would be a shame to stop doing that in your life. I know there will be other avenues to explore as far as that's concerned. Yup, playing at day centres for seniors - definitely. Or what about playing for patients in hospitals? Is that a thing? Could you do that? Or what about playing for weddings? That would give you some extra cash too. Or how about getting together with another musician, or a singer, and working on some repertoire? Maybe more than one musician, depending on what you like?

I'm gonna be working with a pianist on some classical (and a bit of easy listening and classic jazz) repertoire. It's something I've never done in spite of my training. I'm really excited about it though. It's going to be excellent for my self esteem (I'm used to being in the shadows, musically speaking). And who knows where it's going to lead?

Sorry for the sitch you're in. But I hope you can open some new doors to an interesting and fulfilling life.

Hey focus,

I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to make me happy. I miss my kids terribly.

Training? You are a musician? That's great and I'm glad to hear you are doing well. I hope the new project goes well.

I know how it is. It's like having to find yourself from scratch. It's difficult and painful and slow.

Can you make a list of the things you like doing, or would be interested in doing? Trying some of those, along with working on AA, would really help fill up your time and your soul too.

Also, these have helped me when I've felt overwhelmed:

* print out a calendar of the month. Stick it on the back of your front door, or on a kitchen cabinet, or somewhere where you can see it. Every day that goes past that you don't have a drink, cross it off with a big cross in marker pen. It's really really satisfying to see all the crosses.

If you backslide, don't worry. Mark it up in red pen, or something different. Just start again with the crosses the next day. And soon you will have many more crossed off days in the month than not.

You can keep all your calendars too, and see the progress your making as the months go by.

* Break down the big tasks into little small chunks.

So I wanted to get rid of my H's stuff from my house, but it just seemed totally overwhelming.

I tried to start with his clothes, but it was too difficult, too emotionally draining. So I decided to start with boxing all of his tax return, and paper work stuff up. Then I did his books, then his CDs, then shoes, then clothes last.

It did take a while, but once I had broken it all down into different types of things, it was easier, and I felt like I was making a little progress too...I managed to CDs one afternoon, and then I could score that off my list.

I do get stuck with stuff quite a lot. On those days I don't beat myself up, but just try to pick on something really, really small I can do. As long as I'm slowly moving forward, then that's still progress, even if it's really, really slow. And it takes me slightly further along the path of becoming myself as well.

Hope that helps.

I'm oringally a classical string player

Thanks, focus,

I actually use the calender too. And I'm doing pretty good with it. Her things are everywhere and she refuses to come get them. When I tell her I need it gone she gets mad and tells me I'm weak and selfish. I do feel weak but not selfish. It's like she expects me to bounce back and be fine with things after 16 years of my.

I still don't know what caused this. Is it om, Mlc? I just don't know and that's the worst part. I was not perfect by any stretch. However I was faithful, a great provider, a great father, and I was never abusive. It's so confusing and I go through ups and downs frequently.

Some days I'm fine and accepting it for what it is and others I just want to stay in bed all day. I miss my kids being here with me.

She wants me to sell the house but it needs some repairs. I'm doing the repairs but not fast enough to for her.

I rarely get angry but I did last night and told her what I thought about her decision and effect it is having on our children. She seems to think that they are fine with all of this. They tell me they want us to be together and that they are in pain.

I didn't sleep last night. I'm literally laying in bed now and will probably be here all day. I don't eat right any more. I have lost 40 pounds and have no clothes that fit. I'm am constantly worried about what she thinks of me.

I'm just tired.

That's awesome that you play. Music has been a good outlet for most of my life. However, it just makes me emotional these days.

It's still a relatively new situation, so don't be too hard on yourself. If you can, try and do the very basics to get through the day (eat a little healthy stuff, wash, go outside, speak to people).

None of this makes any sense to me either, so I wouldn't worry about that.

My H just ran away, and left everything here. I started feeling weighed down by his stuff (I also had the sneaking feeling he was just going to leave it all here), so I was the one that packed it all up and arranged for his mum, and then his sister, to pick it all up. There's nothing of his left here now, and it's a huge relief.

I've found this whole thing has really messed with my playing. My sound was all over the place for months, and I didn't sound like me at all any more, It was like the core had gone out of my sound and it was a flaky shell of a sound. That has never, ever happened to me before, and it was really scary. Anyway, I just pressed on, playing a few scales every day and trying not to judge what I was hearing. Just observe what was happening, how I was feeling, and not judge. Things are better now.

Thanks for the encouragement,

I have packed most of her things but she will not come and pick it up. She was a pack rat and there are things all over the place. When I ask her to come get things, she tells me that I should be painting the house and not worrying about her things. We are going to have to sell the house By the way.

The whole thing has messed with my soul completely. It has ruined my life entirely. I used to be a happy person. I used to be fun to be around. Now im just an empty shell.

My music hasn't suffered much but I find myself playing nothing but sand songs.

I posted the details of my weekend earlier this morning but wanted to elaborate a bit more.

So, Friday night I played piano at a local bar. Not many folks showed up. Willie Nelson was playing down the road and most of the crowd was out there. Anyway, as some of you know I have been trying to stop drinking and have done ok for the most part. However I did have 3 beers on Friday night. I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't get through the night without caving in. Other than that , the night was uneventful.

Saturday morning took my s11 and nephew to play golf. Had a great time! I dropped him back off at the STBX house.

This was my weekend to have the kids but STBX sister is in town and she asked if they could stay there with her and their cousins. At the time it seemed ok.

So Saturday night I did nothing just relaxed and watched some television. However I really started to miss the kids. This weekend was the second weekend in a row that they were not with me.

Sunday I went to church and thought the STBX was bringing the kids but she changed her mind last minute. I asked if I could take them to lunch and she agreed. So we had lunch and then they wanted to come over to my place (the marital house). once there I could tell they were sad. I have been packing up things trying to get the house ready for sale. They told me that being there made them sad because a lot of their things are packed up. They stayed for a while and we watched a movie. Around 5:30 they wanted to leave. This upset me because I was hoping they were going to spend the night with me. So I took them back and returned home. Again just tried to relax and not get upset.

Memorial day I woke up early and picked up s11. we went to Lowes to get some material to finish his tree fort at the STBX house. She was really acting distant and wanted to argue over what we had planned for the tree fort. So I finished and left. I worked at the house for the remainder of the day and at around 8is I tried to call D13 and got no answer. I tried STBX she sends me to voice mail. This goes on until 9:30 when STBX finally has the kids call. This is where I feel awful. I told D13 that I was going to cut off her phone if she wasn't going to answer it.

STBX called immediately after and yelled at me not to take my anger for her out on D13.

I was up all night feeling like a scum bag.

I'm sorry TK. For the most part it sounds as though you did really well and we all say things to loved ones that we regret and an apology and honest chat with D13 will resolve things I'm sure.

I think the position to work towards is one where you are not dependent on the company of your children, or women, or booze - to make you feel good & able to cope.

So, how can you start working towards building up a life for yourself with some good friendships and activities to pick up on those times your kids aren't with you.

Did you get along to AA this week? Xx

I did have a long chat with D13 this morning and apologized profusely. She told me that she understands and that she forgives me. The STBX on the other hand, will not and will hold this against me forever.

I don't know how to be alone. I stayed sober all weekend and didn't go to the bars. I stayed away from the women too. I just hate to be alone. Especially in that house. every wall holds its own set of specific memories. I have got to get a new place. Im trying so hard not to mess up. I never loose my temper. I have a very long fuse. im so ashamed of loosing it like I did. And of course the self pity sets in. No one needs me or wants me around.

I did not go to AA. I chickened out. However, I did manage to stay sober.

The bottom line is, I hate being alone. I hate being left with my own feelings of doubt. So what do I do about this. I need advise on how to be happy and alone at the same time. My go to was drinking. now that im not doing that im just staring at the walls thinking that this is all my fault.

Why did you agree to letting the kids stay with STBX? Why not let them see her and their aunt for lunch instead of you getting the scraps on your time?

Also, I don't understand why you are building this fort at STBX's. I get that you are selling your place. But I think there are things that you can do with him without going to STBX's place.

Finally, next time, I'd recommend having a plan for when your kids are around. They surely don't want to go sit around their old home that's all packed up in boxes. What special/fun thing can you do with them next time?

Darkness,

Im trying to be easy to get along with. I want to be accommodating to the STBX. My kids summer just started and their cousins are in town. I thought it was the right thing to do. Also, im so afraid that she will "take me to the cleaners" during the divorce. I just don't want her to have any more ammunition. I want to be the good guy. I still love her.

The fort was already started and he has been asking me to finish it for him. There are but they don't like being at the packed up house.

I feel like she is taking advantage of me. my brother asks me why I continue to pay her bills for her and carry her on my insurance. the fact is I still love her and want her to come home.

TK, can I suggest you watch the Shawn Achor TED talk on happiness and also consider buying one of his books? Adopting his strategies for happiness may help you.

Also, June is about to begin and I think you need to come up with a new GAL plan for yourself. One that will get you out and about, linking with others and recognising there is a life to be lived - whether or not your W chooses to be in it.

So - two potential things you could try....how's about it my friend? For a while - I made myself come up with a new regular GAL activity per month - these included a book group, divorce workshop, ladies social group, volunteering in a charity bookstore, yoga, aqua aerobics, gym, salsa, calligraphy group...etc...

My XH ran for the hills sadly, but I have a full and happy life (apart from some residual sadness about the D) regardless. You can do it if I can.

Xx

tk,

You know what they say about insanity right?
Keep doing what you are doing and expecting different results. That is insane.

It is time to start doing things differently now.
Please heed Sotto's advice.
You gotta get up and take the first steps now.
Get to AA.
Get out of the house.
Get some GAL activities that differ from what you have been doing.

My friend. You are getting great advice and feedback from so many that have and are living what you are. It is time to get up and take action.
Have you read DB/DR?
Watch the Ted Talk Sotto reccomended.
Watch the Ted talk about emotional first aid by Guy Winch.
Gather a social circle that can support you. See an IC. Call for a DB coach. See an MD if you think depression or anxiety is holding you back.

Please get up. Make some efforts to heal. Stay out of cheeseless tunnels. Do something different. Stop the insanity today.

This is my 2x4 for you today my friend. And I do it because I want to see you get started on the long path back to a happy place. But you will have to do the heavy lifting and place one foot in front of the other.

You have support here, so please don't waste the ideas provided and concern for you, by not taking action.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

Im trying to be easy to get along with.

I agree to an extent that being easy to get along with is good. But being a doormat is NOT.

STBX asked for your weekend, and you just rolled over and let her have them? For what? If you had other plans, then fine. But it sounds like you felt that giving her whatever she wanted would make things easier or better for you. Or would help her to love you more...? Im not quite sure.

It's time to knock that off. What are you scared of?

Alright guys,

Im on board! I will not waste anymore of your time or great advise. This has went on long enough. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Im done enabling her in the hopes that she may eventually come out of the fog.

I have been scared of the thought of lawyers and court and how I was going to afford to keep the kids in the lifestyle they have grown accustom to. The truth is, life is going to be different for everyone.

I am going to start putting this advise into practice.

I am about to leave work but I am going to work on a list of goals tonight when I get home.

I am taking D13 out for dinner tonight. I am looking forward to it.

AS always thanks for your time. Im not sure why but I feel differently. Something just clicked. I feel empowered and for the first time, I know I can get through this.

I will be posting first thing tomorrow. Have great night!

Now that's what I'm talking about tk!

Take that first step and enjoy the moment as you are at dinner with d13.
I look forward to hearing what your goals are and seeing what plans of action you will be putting into play. You got this.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

Also, im so afraid that she will "take me to the cleaners" during the divorce. I just don't want her to have any more ammunition. I want to be the good guy. I still love her.

I absolutely understand the apprehension about getting taken to the cleaners, but just wanted to point out that in general it seems so far that your yielding to what she is wanting is just resulting in more demands. Realistically, she does not seem to be taking your wants into consideration at all in her decision making process so don't expect that to change when lawyers are involved - you can stand up for yourself without being nasty.

I shall be interested in reading your goals

V

V,

My plan is to go back to AA.

Good!

It is really embarrassing though. I am supposed to be a man and be able to control myself at all times but the truth us that I cant. I have to get help with this.

Let's be straight about this. Firstly in my opinion there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Or guilty or ashamed, that's self indulgent. A problem is a problem, if you had a growth or broke your arm you would seek help. The issue is to have a problem and bury it.

That which isn't acknowledged can't be tackled. So it's ok.

In fact it's more than ok, it's brave.

The W is gone and will not be returning and that is ok. I don't miss her anymore but I miss being a part of a family.

You are lonely I get it. Alcohol will make the loneliness worse.

I have no excuse for my actions at this point.

Good for you.

I know that what I have been doing is self destructive.

Yes

Im just overwhelmed.

Join the club. Your kids need you to be strong.

W keeps enrolling the kids in to camps and has signed an agreement for the use of their neighborhood pool. Im financially tapped out. I want the kids to have everything they deserve but its breaking me. She has left me with a complete mess of a house. She was a pack rat and refuses to come get her things. I feel paralyzed and cant seem to get the ball rolling on getting the house on the market. I need to get out of the house. their are too many memories.

Get a few mates together and a skip.

All three of the kids are in private school and I cant afford it. Im falling behind on payments. The AC broke down at the house and I had to get it repaired $500. It seems that everything cost 500 these days.

Alcohol could cost you everything, including your self respect.

As far as drinking, im pretty proud of myself. The new people I have been associating with are toxic. They called me all night last night trying to get me to come drinking. I was able to refuse and had a sober night for the first time in a while. Actually got some much needed rest.

These aren't real friends, are they?

My D12 had a choir concert last night. I managed to get through it although it was very difficult to see the soon to be ex. she looks so happy and like none of this is bothering her. D12 won another award. Im so proud of her.

I am trying to make it through the week with no alcohol. Im booked to play Friday night and it really scares me. If I can make it through a night of playing without drinking, I would be so proud of myself.

I hate that word try. It's an excuse for failing.

Sorry for the long post

--------------------------------

So let's see what you are going to do!

And yes this is one of the toughest sitches to deal with. There are tougher.

There are posters here who have got through alcohol dependency. Joe, Pigpen, Mutatio.

It can be done. I am nearby if you want to evaluate further and are serious.

V

As always, Thanks for the replies.

Dinner with D13 last night went very well. This is something I want to start doing once a week. We rarely get to spend any one on one time together.

I had three pianos at my house until last night. I have been trying to get rid of one and some people from down the street asked of they could have it. When I arrived home from dinner they came over with 6 big guys and a truck. The piano is 102 years old and weighs about 1800 lbs. We were able to get it moved. They have a 6 year old son and once we got it on their house he says "hey now you have show me how to use this thing". That's when it dawned on me. The perfect way to continue to play without being in the bars. A great GAL activity and a great way to make some extra money. not to mention the feeling of passing the gift of music to another generation.

I taught kids piano for a few years when I was a lot younger. Im going to start again. I am planning to make up some business cards and pass them around mine and the surrounding neighbor hoods.

As for the drinking. I have been sober (with the exception of the three beers at the gig last Friday) since 5-25-16. I know this doesn't sound like a long time but for the past 6 months or so I was drinking every night. Not just drinking but getting drunk. I am very pleased that I have been able to stay sober this long and I know if I take it one day at a time I can continue this.

I still plan on AA but have yet to go.

So, after moving the piano last night I went straight to bed so didn't get a chance to really think about or wright down any goals. However, a rough draft would sound something like this:

1. Continue my sobriety.

2. Stop dwelling on what is happening regarding the STBX.

3. Plan activities for me and my children. also, I am going to set up times to spend with each of them alone.

4. Stop blaming myself for everything.

5. GAL: Start teaching again. Continue playing golf with my son.

I need some time to think about these goals and others and I know I need to be more specific but this is what I got for now.

I feel better than I have in a while. I thinking clearer and more positive.

I had a great day yesterday and today. I have the kids tonight. they are staying all night. We are going to build a fire and roast some hotdogs. Maybe watch a movie if there is time before bed.

Thanks again and I will check back later.

Pleased for you TK.....I know these are rough, but I'll offer some thoughts...

1. Continue my sobriety, attending AA once a week.

2. Stop dwelling on what is happening regarding the STBX. (Make this into a positive - focus on my own life and how I move forward positively from here.)

3. Plan activities for me and my children. also, I am going to set up times to spend with each of them alone. - You could make this more specific. I'm going to spend alone time with each of them once a week. Once a month, I'm going to take them somewhere special.

4. Stop blaming myself for everything. (Again, I always think positives are better for goals. I'm going to accept that I'm doing my best to move forward in challenging circumstances.) Each day I'm going to remember to practice gratitude and also praise myself for 3 things I have done well.

5. GAL: Start teaching again. - Distribute my teaching cards and take on 2 new pupils during June. Continue playing golf....once a week??

Just my thoughts anyway - and the teaching sounds like good GAL to me - well done TK xx

Awesome! Loving the positivity.

Sotto provides some great feedback for you to start with.

I am glad to hear you are off on the right foot.

Sleep well my friend and I look forward to updates from you.

And AA?

I am waiting to hear you have REALLY made the first step.

Why are you waiting?

V

tk how are you doing my friend?

I hope and pray that all is well for you and that you are on track with some of your goals.

As V asks, what is the plan for AA. You gotta start with that ASAP.

Hello all,

So I went to the AA last night after work. It was the pretty much the same group that was there when I was going before. Everyone was very friendly as always and seemed happy to see me back. It was pretty uneventful. When the time came for people to share stories I decided to stay quite. Maybe ill talk next time. I will be going on Thursdays each week for a while. When I attended the first time around which was months ago I was going for the wrong reasons. I was basically going in an attempt to show the STBX that I was trying to make a change in my life. I was hoping she would follow but she didn't. This time around its for me and my children. So step one has officially began.

I also found another outlet. There is a weekly ping pong tournament in town also on Thursday nights. After AA I went and signed up. I wasn't the best there but wasn't the worst either. This is something I will be doing on Thursdays for a while as well. Its lots of fun and the guys there are hilarious! They were all wearing 80s style outfits complete with sweat bands lol!

So, im still doing pretty well. im far from out of the woods but I feel that im finally on my way.

I have the kids this weekend too! I cant wait. We are going to hang out at home tonight but tomorrow we are going to my friend's son's birthday party. They have a pool and it has been super hot down here.

Also, I have about one more week on the buildings I have been working on since September 2014! it seems to good to be true. I am taking a vacation after that. I haven't had a vacation in years. Im not sure what im going to do yet but I will figure it out.

As always thanks for your support and I hope everyone is doing well.

I am proud of you.

Step one begins.

V

You are off on the right foot.

It is good to hear that you have a plan and are working at it.

Enjoy the time with the kids and have a nice weekend my friend.

Great stuff TK - pleased to read this. Xx

Taking the first step is fantastic , easy to say but to actually do it is great.

Stay strong. Rd

Good morning folks,

Just Journaling. So the weekend is going well. I had a great Saturday with my boys golfing and swimming. I went to pick up d13 after swimming and she didn't want to go with me again. I know she 13 now and is probably going through the female puberty thing and I know the separation is bothering her but I don't understand why she doesn't want to spend time with me. I'm a little depressed over this. STBX sister is still in town. That might have something going to do with it. I just don't know.

So me and the boys just hung out and watched movies last night. It's kind of nice just being with my son's and being lazy.

I'm going to get them ready and go to church this morning. Maybe d13 will be there.

You are sounding better and better tk.

I can imagine the challenge it is with d13. My best advice is to continue your efforts to be there for her, validate her when talking with her, and above all keep the disappointment and hurt you are feeling to yourself. I say this as I have to do the same with my d17, because when I don't it causes her to feel guilty and upset.

IMO it is important for them to do what is right for them,and for us to support them. The divorce is hard on them and whether we like it or not they are being forced to choose.
Be there for her. Love her. And respect her choices and she.will recognize this even if it takes time.

I am so thrilled to see the progress you are making and I will be here to support, encourage, and whack you with a 2x4 when needed as you continue on.

Have a peaceful and spiritual time at church and enjoy the rest of the weekend.

thanks SH,

Keep the 2x4 handy lol.

I wasn't sure what to do about d13. every time I go to get her and she don't want to go she says she is sorry and feels bad. I tell her its ok and she shouldn't feel bad. I said last night to her, im sure you don't want to hang out with a bunch of sloppy boys. she laughed and agreed, I sure hope im doing the right thing with her. I don't want to loose her. I don't want her to feel bad either when she doesn't want to come over. I just want everybody to be happy.

This situation has taken such a toll on everyone around us. Im just ready for life to get back to some kind of normal.

I even want the STBX to be happy. I know I have no control over this but if the two of us can be happy and heal, the kids will see it and start to feel stable again.

This stuff is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I have seen friends go through it but until you are in it you will never understand,

I am feeling better and although I woke up in a funk this morning, I am not going to let it run my day and my time with the boys,

Thanks as always, i am eternally grateful.

There will be bad days.

And AA is for life I know you know that.

You have kids and in your future grandkids to look forward to.

That's worth more than anything.

D12 keep on keeping on. Some dad time 1 on 1 needed and hugs even dads can say D13 I need a hug now.

V

V

Originally Posted By: Sotto

Pleased for you TK.....I know these are rough, but I'll offer some thoughts...

1. Continue my sobriety, attending AA once a week.

2. Stop dwelling on what is happening regarding the STBX. (Make this into a positive - focus on my own life and how I move forward positively from here.)

3. Plan activities for me and my children. also, I am going to set up times to spend with each of them alone. - You could make this more specific. I'm going to spend alone time with each of them once a week. Once a month, I'm going to take them somewhere special.

4. Stop blaming myself for everything. (Again, I always think positives are better for goals. I'm going to accept that I'm doing my best to move forward in challenging circumstances.) Each day I'm going to remember to practice gratitude and also praise myself for 3 things I have done well.

5. GAL: Start teaching again. - Distribute my teaching cards and take on 2 new pupils during June. Continue playing golf....once a week??

Just my thoughts anyway - and the teaching sounds like good GAL to me - well done TK xx

Terrific changes Sotto

V

Just checking in on my friend tk.

How is your week starting off for you?

Hello,

Its going well. Pretty uneventful but no news is good news right? I haven't spoke with STBX in a few days. not even through texts. I wonder how she is and what she's is up to but I don't dwell on it.

I speak with the kids at least twice a day. Now that they are on summer break, I never know when they will be waking up. During school I call every morning at 7am like clockwork and every evening at 830 just before they go to bed.

I miss my family dearly but at this point I just want to concentrate on the future and what may be ahead for me. I was thinking last night about my life and all of the events that have lead up to this point. It seems that every time something came up that left me feeling uncomfortable and scared, it turned out to be a blessing. Im hoping that this experience will be the similar.

I am still sober and it hasn't been too hard. Physically I feel great and waking up with a clear head is a much needed improvement. I have stopped all other relationships with other women. This has been hard. I went a little crazy for a while with the women. I went out with several during my crazy period and to be honest didn't truly care for any of them except for one. I miss talking to her.

Anyway, I am good and as always, thanks for the support.

Good going TK. Keep it up

This is a peaceful time, a reflective time.

Please take full advantage of it to restore your batteries.

V

I am smiling as I read your update. You are making progress by taking baby steps. The road is long, but you are living in the moment and making wise choices.

Focus on the benefits, brace for pain, and always keep in front the " Why" behind your actions.

Keep us posted. Share your thoughts, challenges and successes as you continue forward on your journey.

May your day be a peaceful one with moments of joy.

Just checking I on tk.

How was AA this week?
How are the kids doing?
How are you doing my friend?

Hi tkdmme, just wanted to say hello and offer my support. I have not drank since 2008. You'll find no answers at the bottom of a bottle. Hang in there

tk

I hope you are doing well my friend.
I hope progress is still in order.

I hope no news from you is good news.

My prayers are with you.

Hello all,

Its been awhile since my last post. I have been off work and have been spending a lot of time with the kids.

I am still on track but I did kind of fall of the wagon this past Friday. I played golf with some friends from work and drank some beers. Nothing crazy happened but I did break my abstinence.

Also, STBX's sister was in town last week and I ran into her while picking up the kids. we had a conversation that was an eye opener to say the least. STBX and her sister have always been extremely close but she says that STBX has shut down on her as well. her sister told me that she will not speak to her about the break up at all. She says that she sees the positive changes I have been making. She told me that I wasn't the cause of the break up and that the STBX is going through something that no one can put their finger on. Apparently STBX's family is still trying to talk to her about reconciling but they are getting nowhere.

I know that this is none of my concern and that should keep on the path im on. However, the conversation brought back my perceived need to get my W back. I want so badly for my family to be back together. I just don't understand her complete disregard for the advise of her family and others. I am a great person and a great father. I made some mistakes throughout my M but im not perfect. I know that I am well on my way to becoming the man she wants and deserves.

She was such a beautiful person before this. she was outgoing and confident. She was very present with the kids and family. Now she is just a shell. She looks bad and has lost more weight. I think its some sort of menopause of depression but I don't know how to talk to her about. I just feel if she would go to a doctor, maybe she would start to feel better. I love a care for her so much and want her to be happy but there is nothing I can do. I feel so helpless.

this post is about me and how I have been.

Although im still processing through the pain and emotional trauma, im doing pretty good. I am taking some time off work which is abnormal for me but I needed it. I have a ful agenda of activities with the kids lined up. We are going swimming to day and later my boys are helping me with a neighbor car. I have a recording session in the morning but after that im taking the kids to Savannah for a day or two. Next week we are going to TN to visit my parents. So we have a lot going on.

The boys stayed with me last night and we just hung out and ate pizza. We also trashed the house lol. I will clean it up later.

My S8 told me yesterday that the STBX blames me for everything. He said don't worry that's just how girls are. He went on to tell me how a girl I his class blames him for everything too. He is hilarious at times and I think he makes things up to tell me. In his own way he is trying to make me feel better. Both of the boys say that the want to come home. It makes me so mad that they are having to live like this.

Anyway, im not going to dwell on it. Im just journaling.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

My S8 told me yesterday that the STBX blames me for everything. He said don't worry that's just how girls are. He went on to tell me how a girl I his class blames him for everything too. He is hilarious at times and I think he makes things up to tell me. In his own way he is trying to make me feel better. Both of the boys say that the want to come home. It makes me so mad that they are having to live like this.

It's awesome that your son is trying to make you feel better. I really get upset too when I think about how the separation and pending divorce are impacting my sons. They're completely innocent, yet they share in the pain. That stinks.

Good for you for taking some time off and taking time with your children. Have fun!

Hi TK, glad that you are managing to have some down time and well done for your honesty about the beers.

Truly though - you've highlighted concerns about your use of alcohol, so a few beers probably aren't a good plan. And have you got things underway about AA support? It's important to get that solidly in place I think.

As for your W - I think it is important to leave her be and let her travel on the path she needs to take. Yes, she may need to see a Dr or get some support - but if any of those suggestions come from you (when she's blaming you for stuff) they will be counter-productive. Much better to live your own life in a constructive and positive way - then I think she may come to see - aha - TK wasn't actually the main problem here.

Your W is at an age where MLC type issues could be present too...

Hope you enjoy your time off and glad to hear you have nice plans

x

As always thanks for the advise.

I woke up feeling depressed to day for some reason. I cant believe how long it is taking for me to get over this. The financial stress is huge but is nothing compared to the emotional stress.

Sotto,
The MLC is dead on I think. Its so weird how it has taken hold of her. She seems to be drowning in it and I cant save her. A friend of mine was in a car accident the other day and it got me thinking. He is fine other than a few cuts and bruises but it reminded me of how fragile life is. It can be taken in a blink of an eye. So why would someone let something like a MLC take them down. I don't think she can even help the way she is acting. Its just so unbelievable.

Anyway, im off to a recording session this morning. As if life isn't stressful enough, I have to go in and record on someone else's record. Im sure I will do fine but it always makes me nervous. I sit in a glass booth with everyone staring at me. wish me luck.

Have a great day guys.

So I got some bad news from back home this morning. I know I posted a while back about my father being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He went through all of the treatment and was told that the cancer was gone. This morning my mother called and informed me that the cancer is now in his liver. The kids and I are going to see him this weekend for fathers day.

The past few years have been really tough and things don't seem to be getting any better.

Please pray for my family.

tkdmme,

I'm very sorry; I know it must be an extremely difficult time for you and your family.

There's a video that might interest you. Google "Randy Pausch the last lecture".

Thanks doodler.

I'm listening to it now.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad TK. It's good that you and your kids will get to spend some time with him and these will be some special memories to you. If it is of any interest, there is a book by David Servan-Schreiver - he died a few years ago having lived with cancer for many years. He set about managing the end of his life in the way he wanted to live and I have heard the book is quite inspiring. I haven't read it yet - though I've read other things of his that have been very good.

Take care TK, and my very best wishes to you and your family xxx

tk,

I am very sorry to hear about your father.
I can relate to your situation as my mother was given a clean bill of health from uterine cancer that she was diagnosed with last year a month after the BD for me. Only a month later she was diagnosed with breast cancer and has had 2 surgeries and starts further treatments shortly.
Timing is not good, but prayer has kept me grounded and with hope.
I will have you, your father and your family in my prayers this night.

I pray that you will have strength and hope at this time my friend.

How are you holding up tk?

You are in my prayers and I hope you are on a good path with forward progress.

I am doing ok SH.

I have been out of town for a while and have enjoyed the break. I was able to spend some time with my parents. My father starts chemo again this coming Thursday. he is not doing well. The cancer has spread to his liver, prostate and lymph nodes. He will probably not be with us very long. I have been thinking about moving back to be closer to them but im not sure it would work because of the kids. I would be 4 hours away. Ill figure something out I guess.

As for the STBX, im more confused than ever. At the end of last week I had decided to file for D. I have an appointment tomorrow with a lawyer and I was totally ready to pull the trigger and get things moving. On Friday last week I spoke with W and asked her if she was sure that she wanted this. I told her that I didn't and that I wanted to work things out. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. I asked for a sit down conversation and she agreed. I talked to her on Sunday and asked when she would like to talk and she said that she would when she could. I asked, do you mean when you have time? She said no, when she can. What does this mean? I don't understand "when I can". She is still blaming me for everything but she seems confused.

Anyway,
Yesterday was the fourth and I figured I would be spending the day alone. She called and asked if I wanted to take the kids to get fireworks. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. She also invited me to her brother's for a cook out and to do the fireworks I had bought for the kids. Again I was totally up for it.

During the cookout she completely ignored me and seemed agitated that I was there. She invited me! What the hell is going on here? We ate and shot off the fireworks. I then went home feeling more confused than ever.

tk, Your father is in my prayers as are you and your family.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

As for the STBX, im more confused than ever. At the end of last week I had decided to file for D. I have an appointment tomorrow with a lawyer and I was totally ready to pull the trigger and get things moving.

Is a d what you want?

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

On Friday last week I spoke with W and asked her if she was sure that she wanted this. I told her that I didn't and that I wanted to work things out. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. I asked for a sit down conversation and she agreed. I talked to her on Sunday and asked when she would like to talk and she said that she would when she could. I asked, do you mean when you have time? She said no, when she can. What does this mean? I don't understand "when I can". She is still blaming me for everything but she seems confused.

This is part of the script. And in short, she is confused. She feels that she can not be with you, but a d is still a conflict in her heart for many reasons. this is why there is a DB rule that you believe nothing said and only 50% done.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

Anyway,
Yesterday was the fourth and I figured I would be spending the day alone. She called and asked if I wanted to take the kids to get fireworks. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. She also invited me to her brother's for a cook out and to do the fireworks I had bought for the kids. Again I was totally up for it.

You mentioned you were ready for a d, and here you jump at being a family. Can you see how you may be coming off as confused?
Have you read DR? Maybe a DB coach can help you. You could use someone in your corner so that you can build a firm foundation.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

During the cookout she completely ignored me and seemed agitated that I was there. She invited me! What the hell is going on here? We ate and shot off the fireworks. I then went home feeling more confused than ever.

You should stay off of her roller coaster. You need to have a direction.
How is AA going?
How is your GAL going?
I know that you probably have been engaged in your fathers situation and many of these things may have taken a back seat, but you will need to keep at them if even in a toned down manner, so that you can stay the course.

Keep us posted and others will share thoughts and guidance as you are still in an unstable place and have a long ways to go.

Be well my friend. I am here to support you.

SH,

To answer your question, no I don't want a divorce. However, I am so tired of being in limbo. If a divorce is immanent, I would like to get it over with so that I can move on. Im tired of being treated as if my desires and feelings don't matter. Just like most of us on this site, I want my family back home. She initially said she wanted the D so that she could be happy. However, she is not happy and still thinks im the cause. I hardly see her and only text her about the kids or money. How can I be the source of her unhappiness if im not even around? Ill answer my own question. Im not the source. She just doesn't realize it. She is still the love of my life and the only woman I want but how long must I wait in limbo?

My father and the situation with the W aside, im doing pretty well. My finances are in the toilet but I just got a raise at work and I am starting a new project at the end of this month. I wont lie and say that I have not had a drink but I have been much better since I stared posting again. I haven't been to AA in a while and to be honest, I really hate going. It seems like a cult or something. I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I just feel that I went a little crazy due to the circumstances. I don't go out the bars anymore. If i have a beer, it is at my house after mowing the grass or something. I have been eating healthy even though I still don't have an appetite. Although I really cant afford it, I have been playing a lot of golf with my son and best friend. I have completely stopped contact with the other women I was talking to. I feel pretty good with the progress im making. But just when I was beginning to detach, she reels me back in.

You say "I need to have a direction". I feel that I do or at least I did. I was planning to move forward with the D but now im not sure that I want to. She has seen a lawyer and has told me that she wants a non contested D. This will only work if I agree to her unrealistic demands. She wants me to continue to pay for the kids private schooling plus pay her child support and alimony. I simply cant afford this. This is why I felt that I needed a lawyer so defend me just in case she files and comes after me.

Yes, im still confused. I do feel better and I am sober. Its just so hard to make sense out of the conflicting information i get from the W. I know i shouldn't even be trying to make sense of it. It only sets me back.

I agree you should have a lawyer. Being prepared and knowing your rights is essential to remove the fear of the unknown.

That said, I don't see what filing for divorce will do for you. How would your actual life change any if you were divorced this instant?

A strange turn of events!

I went to see the lawyer yesterday and found out that I have more rights than I thought I had. The lawyer informed me that I could receive 50% custody of the children and that what the W is asking for is unrealistic and unfair. I also found out how expensive this is going to be.

I spoke with the W last night and told her what I had found out and told her that I was not interested in sharing her lawyer. My lawyer told me that using the same lawyer was a bad idea and from everything I have read, she is correct.

Anyway, The W has been acting like she is not sure that a D is what she wants and when I talked to her last night she agreed to a meeting Friday to discuss the possibility of her coming home and working on the M. At first I was happy that she is at least considering coming home but after thinking about it, I started having second thoughts. After everything I've been through over the past year and a half, its going to be extremely hard to look at her the same way. Im probably getting ahead of myself and need to take a step back but im going to have to really forget and forgive before any chance of reconciliation is possible.

Guys, I really need some help.

I met with the w last night and she is thinking about moving back home. She says she is not doing this to reconcile but is open to the posability. I just want her and kids home. Do I agree. She would be moving into the spare room. I see it as a step in the right direction. Please help on this one.

Why would you want her to move back in if she doesn't want to work on the marriage? You don't remember how hard being separated in house was for you?

I don't know. I'm in a different place emotionally that I was when we were living together before. I just think if we were under the same roof she might see the improvements I've made and be willing to work on the m. And I see her moving back as an attempt to work on the m whether she admits it or not.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I don't know. I'm in a different place emotionally that I was when we were living together before. I just think if we were under the same roof she might see the improvements I've made and be willing to work on the m. And I see her moving back as an attempt to work on the m whether she admits it or not.

Tkdmme, I think the problem is outlined in what you've written in the last 2 pages. You went to the family bbq that she invited you to (I think you were expecting her to act like a couple) you said she ignored you and then said every time you start to detach she reels you back in.

Then you wrote what I quoted above. Your expecting her to want to work on M even though she said no. So what is going to happen to your emotional state when your expectation of her working on M doesn't pan out? Your going to be miserable. Do you want her to move back in if she does NOT want to work on M?

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I don't know. I'm in a different place emotionally that I was when we were living together before. I just think if we were under the same roof she might see the improvements I've made and be willing to work on the m. And I see her moving back as an attempt to work on the m whether she admits it or not.

I don't know the whole of what you have going on, I'll just throw in my experience. I'm 7 weeks in now. I've finally seen the light, that separation has given me the space I need to work on myself. And even though it's hard to believe what she says, she has mentioned numerous times she's trying to work on herself as well. (It will only be baby steps until OP is sent back to the dumpster he came from though.)

That said, your W wanting to move back in is likely selfishly motivated. She's not going to see anything positive about you until she starts coming out of her fog, and when she does you'll know. She'll start turning back into the person you know, inch by inch. It's a slow process from start to end though, so working on the M is not really an option until SHE decides she cares enough. If you bring it up, you'll be disappointed. I've been there!!

I appreciate all the replies but obviously they weren't what I wanted to hear. I know you guys are right and you are spot on. I just don't know what to do. Neither of us can afford an attorney right now and I want my kids back home no matter what the cost. I realize that she says she doesn't want to work on the m but believe nothing she says right? She was over last night for a while looking at all the work I've done to the house. It seems to me that she is reconsidering the d. Why else would she want to come home. If she hated me she wouldn't want to be around me at all. The bottom line is that I want the kids home and out of that cramped nasty house they are living in. They want to home too. They have told me this over and over. If them coming home means I have to deal with the w then so be it I think. I just don't know what to do.

Please start a new thread.

New Thread:

Have I been making mistakes too long part 9