Wife says she wants a separation or divorce ASAP. I move out or she moves out with (kids). Is here stance. She says she is having panic attacks and that I got to get away from her immediately. I'm looking at getting a apartment, but if I do I told her we've got to see a lawyer to fill out some sort of separation agreement. FLORIDA doesn't have a legal separation law. Any thoughts. I don't want to make things any harder on my kids if possible.
I can't stop the obsessive thoughts in my head. If i do a separation and leave my house. Can I stop my wife from bringing OM into my house overnight while kids are there.
Those are questions that your lawyer needs to answer. You also need to ask if moving out of your home will affect you in a divorce or child custody. You need a lawyer who will fight for the rights of a father!
I cannot believe the person my wife has turned into. I know I have my part in this, but she is so cold. I'm having such a hard time detaching. I've never felt this hopeless in my life.
Deep breath brother. This too shall pass.
I cannot believe the person my wife has turned into. I know I have my part in this, but she is so cold. I'm having such a hard time detaching. I've never felt this hopeless in my life.
Right there with you....
I cannot believe the person my wife has turned into. I know I have my part in this, but she is so cold. I'm having such a hard time detaching. I've never felt this hopeless in my life.
Sadly bro, it is "normal". We've all been there. It really does get better with time... Deataching is really the only way to go...
Sandi - I've read through most of your comments on this forum and you seem to have a lot of experience and knowledge with the WW and WAW. I know that even know my wife doesn't seem to be having a affair, you would consider her a WW. Since things have got so out of control and very hurtful things being said back and forth at each other the last 3 months ( Such as her telling me that she has raised our kids since birth and that i was never there for her) Which is a complete lie, but her reality. Is there truly any possible way She going to give our marriage a chance. I want so desperately to keep our family together and grow old with my wife.
I can't stop the obsessive thoughts in my head. If i do a separation and leave my house. Can I stop my wife from bringing OM into my house overnight while kids are there.
Nope. That's why we tell you not to leave a house without talking to a divorce lawyer first. Google "men's right divorce" and you'll see all the reasons for not doing that. Too many dads cave into their wives and do the "honorable thing" then get screwed out of custody and child support.
We've all been there, I'm fighting the same cold wife you are fighting as well. You've got to protect yourself, for your and your children's sake.
I'm pretty sure your wife is having an EA, just like mine. Look deeper for the signs.
It finally hit me this morning. Why would I possibly move back out. I just moved out for 4 weeks and came back because I felt bad. If my wife wants to move out and take the kids, that's on her. She should know that taking them out of there home is a bad idea, but it will be her bad idea not mine.
Jb9140 feel for you. Listen to the regulars posting on here. Trust them. I was sceptical, it works. Your now is not your forever. If you get 10 mins, read my story. It is current and I hit the stage you are at very recently. It will show you the stages I have gone through, what has worked, what hasn't, and the common themes that seem to re-occur the world over. Get legal advice over children. and I can't emphasise enough to keep posting and take strength from the absolutely amazing people on here.
Hang tough my friend. It will change.
Keefa thanks. I'll start reading up on your story today.
It finally hit me this morning. Why would I possibly move back out. I just moved out for 4 weeks and came back because I felt bad. If my wife wants to move out and take the kids, that's on her. She should know that taking them out of there home is a bad idea, but it will be her bad idea not mine.
Good job getting to this point! Don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself and your kids.
She can't just take the kids out of the marital home without a court order. Talk to a divorce lawyer soon, they should give you at least a free consultation first.
WOW!! for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel really pumped. I absolutely tired of taking my wife's [censored]. Some may think I'm reaching the anger stage, but I'm really not angry. I'm just sick and tired of taking her [censored] and asking for another helping by my wrong actions. If she wants a divorce then so be it. That's her decision and she can live with the results. I'm sure this feeling will change shortly, but I'm going to ride this pink cloud as long as I can.
Is it just me or does a EA seem more damaging than a physical affair? I think I could he over the physical part a lot easier then the emotionl.
Is it just me or does a EA seem more damaging than a physical affair? I think I could he over the physical part a lot easier then the emotionl.
I don't think my WW had a PA but I do think a PA is much more damaging mentally than an EA. (I don't know what to believe with her any more, though). With PA I've heard most betrayed husbands have a mental image of his wife having sex with another man. I haven't had to deal with that so far, small comfort that is. I do believe PA is much harder to recover just because of those visual images.
Any veterans want to comment?
Both are pretty much fcuk uppable. On one side, the mental images are def. there and on the other side the knoledge that someone else is occupying their hearts is equally damaging, if not more...
So, I'm calling it a tie...
I just feel that physical is just biological. Don't get me wrong. I don't want that image in my head either. It just seems the EA is more betrayal of trust then the physical.
I just feel that physical is just biological. Don't get me wrong. I don't want that image in my head either. It just seems the EA is more betrayal of trust then the physical.
I was able to "hear" my WW's conversation with OM right after I discovered her secret plot to file for D while she gaslighted me. That burned a hole into my memory of her, the things she said about me and my family. I think that is the reason why DB tells you NOT to snoop on your WS. It was very painful to hear her talking to OM about me. I still have that audio image burned into my head, hurts even as I type this two months later.
I have no proof of anything. All I know is she guards her iPhone like its a [censored] bar of gold.
JB, believe me buddy, she is GONE. And I understand if it takes time to absorb the fact. DETACHING is the only way to avoid continuuos hurt...
Thanks for keeping it real Vapo. LOL
Also, for most women they have to have an EA before PA. They won't have sex with you unless they feel emotionally attached to you. I'm sure you find the same thing with your wives too.
That would be why I think PA is worse than EA.
My H is definitely in PA, but he has told me repeatedly that it is also an EA. They are "in love" and he's "felt connected to her since the moment they met" at work 2 years ago. That it wasn't "just sex". The PA started in July. I wish it was just a PA I hate to say it. Knowing it was just lust would help me for some reason. I know that sounds completely crazy and stupid but it is how I feel.
I think it's very easy for men to have sex with any woman, if he doesn't have a sense of boundary. I remember a survey where 99% of men said they would have an affair, i.e. sex with a woman other than his wife, if there are no consequences from that.
But the converse is not true. For most women there must be an emotional connection to get to that stage. The % of women who would have sex was much much lower. Would you agree, broke?
I agree completely with CWOL - I think woman have to have the emotional connection before it becomes a physical affair. But, I don't have experience here so it's just my opinion :-)
Alright on to my new concern for today. I'm back in the house and I've talked to a lawyer. I haven't retained him yet (7500.00) because of the financial part. Has anyone experienced a spouse filling for divorce and order keeping you out of the house until divorce finalized. This is a major fear of mine. We've had some heated arguments, but never anything physical or breaking stuff etc.... I don't think my wife would lie under oath an accuse of abuse, but [censored] at this point i really don't know what to expect.
Alright on to my new concern for today. I'm back in the house and I've talked to a lawyer. I haven't retained him yet (7500.00) because of the financial part. Has anyone experienced a spouse filling for divorce and order keeping you out of the house until divorce finalized. This is a major fear of mine. We've had some heated arguments, but never anything physical or breaking stuff etc.... I don't think my wife would lie under oath an accuse of abuse, but [censored] at this point i really don't know what to expect.
Your fear is completely justified. You need to be very careful what you say, especially during heated arguments. When I first discovered my WW's secret divorce plot, I was very upset. My WW claimed I "threatened" her (I just said this is not going to make any of us happy, etc.)
I have a voice-activated recorder now in case we get into that situation again, so I can get the exact words if necessary. Unfortunately, as men, we are automatically assumed to be violent and aggressive, so it's always better to walk away than engage in these arguments.
In my state, the legal bar for getting a Restraining Order is very high, especially since I have no prior records. My attorney told me I have nothing to worry about. But I would be very careful if I were you, you might want to get that VAR and definitely try to stay away from these arguments. That is a tactic WW will use against their husbands to get them out of the house.
I'm in Florida. The lawyer I talked to basically said if any discussion starts to go sideways leave the house immediately for a few hours. Thanks for replying.
Alright on to my new concern for today. I'm back in the house and I've talked to a lawyer. I haven't retained him yet (7500.00) because of the financial part. Has anyone experienced a spouse filling for divorce and order keeping you out of the house until divorce finalized. This is a major fear of mine. We've had some heated arguments, but never anything physical or breaking stuff etc.... I don't think my wife would lie under oath an accuse of abuse, but [censored] at this point i really don't know what to expect.
Just walk away from any argument. There are no prizes to be won in an argument. Walk away. And better yet, tell your wife you will not argue with her and if she continues to disrespect you, you will be walking away and if she keeps yanking your chain, just walk away and refuse to have a conversation. Mind you, it will piss her off to no end. A voice activated recorder is a brilliant idea. Use it. Also, it could help your case if you start logging spent time with your kids and any expenses. It could prove a valuable resource...
is it just me or is this a common thing. Every time i say anything about our relationship or say I love you and want to make this work. My wife will take a poke at me ; such as bloke me on facebook, bloke me on instagram, recently take our wedding picture down from bedroom wall. Its like she retaliates because i try to tell her how I feel. it feels like she's trying to get a rise out of me when she does these things. I don't quite understand that.
is it just me or is this a common thing. Every time i say anything about our relationship or say I love you and want to make this work. My wife will take a poke at me ; such as bloke me on facebook, bloke me on instagram, recently take our wedding picture down from bedroom wall. Its like she retaliates because i try to tell her how I feel. it feels like she's trying to get a rise out of me when she does these things. I don't quite understand that.
You need to stop doing that. Read the DR book and read up on DB principles. It is counterproductive and sets off your WW as it makes her feel trapped and manipulated...
All betrayed husbands start by doing that, including me. We learn it doesn't work.
Jb, Yes, totally stop doing what. Why you ask?
BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS.
Pardon my french, but it needed to be said.
Vapo, just curious. what is your story. you seem to be real hardcore, which is great. just would be interested to hear your back story.
Sandi.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
Can you expound on this rule. It feels almost like being mr nice guy.
Me 38, w 35, together 15, BD June 2014, 2 kids, now 4 and 6, at BD she admitted to EA and some petting and kissing, said she was confused and needed space, a couple of months before I noticed she changed her hair and started dressing as a teenager, she started playing guitar.
I tried begging, pleading, reasoning, but nothing worked. She started rewriting history, I got the ILYBINILWY speach, first she said she has not been happy for a while, then a year, then 3 years, and soon it became she was never happy. She had these violent mood swings, her AP was (is) her coworker and he was fcucking her/their boss at the same time. That understandibly caused a lot of friction and she nearly got fired. In July she moved to an apt. less than half a mile away, we worked out a schedule and this went great. She was all over the place. She BD'd me beginning of June, moved out end of July, began fcucking OM end of August (OM married with a young daughter). She met with OM's wife end of November. By her account she has broken it off with OM 49 times, and now I just don't give a fcuk any more about her affair. I do not ask her ANY questions if they are not kids related. I do not help her out, I do not call her, I do not answer her texts (unless it's something kids related). First 6 months after BD was hell, but then things started improving and now I am doing very well, I dare say even great, when I look back where I was end of 2014.
Let me say that I did not beat her, I had an executive positition, we traveled the world together, I helped her finish her studies and her masters only to be accused by her why did I always helped her. I was like Whaaaaat?!? You are accusing me of helping you too much? Well that's a first...
Let me tell you I have never felt more disrespected in my life. When she moved out she was going room to room and picking/marking stuff she would take to her apt. I blew my lid and say this is not a fcucking department store, you can't just select what you want and I put my foot down. I still ended up helping her move and even carried a fridge 4 stories up. My life was falling apart and she was chirping like a school girl.
At first I snooped, I had her gmail password, her facebook password and access to her phone records. I was obsessed. I was thinking/hoping/praying she would get over it, obsessing and feeling her pain. I tore me when I saw her setting up dates with other men, reading her diary what she did with OM, reading personal stuff about her that nearly drove me insane...
First when she left I was dumbfounded as to what happened, she was a completely different person, manic, depressed, crying, always ill and in tears. Tehn I found MLC aricles, Mid life crisis, and then everything started to make sense.
In time I stopped snooping, I stopped asking her anything, I did not rely on her in any way, even if she said she has taken care off stuff for the kids I did not believe her and I always had a backup plan. No way I'd be caught with my pants down.
These days she seems to be doing a bit better, again, I do not ask her anything that is not related to the kids (nothing!), I do not beg, plead or anything. I do not snoop (although I could), I am in a mentally good place. I travel the world alone and love every second of it. I hike, I do stuff with the kids on my own terms, I love it! Soon after BD I tried to jump into a new relationship but it was a disaster, but also a valuable lesson, teaching me that I too need to heal and more important, that I will be OK even if I end up single. I am single, but not alone, I am never trading in my independece for an emotionall insecure person.
She sometimes bakes bread or cake for me, I am friendly towards her, but in no uncertain term I have let her know that I WILL NOT BE HER FRIEND. She honestly believed that she would be my friend. CRAZY, really.
She has her journey to finish and I have mine.
So you see that I have gone trough some crap with my wife and know A LOT. I gained an insight into other people and I do try to help. These boards were a life line for me and I am just trying to give a little back by trying to help others in similar sitches.
I do not sugar coat my words, I call it how I see it, I give straight advice, perhaps even to stern at times. I know that people need time to mature and to come to the realization of stuff by themselves, but if they manage to avoid my mistakes, I think they would arrive to a good place much sooner. Sadly I see people hearing my advice and then trying it their way and nearly always it ends up blowing up in their face. But it is their choice and I do not hold a grudge, I do try help them inspite, but if they burn by advice 3 times, I'm done helping them. There are a lot of other decent hurt people needing a friendly pat on the back or even a virtual hug. Dishing out help and advice is not easy and it does mentally wear you out.
Stay strong buddy, glad you found these boards, there are tons of wonderful people donating hours, days and months of their time to tend to the emotional wounds of LBSs.
Vapo, that is fcuked up, man!
JB, I just noticed your dates are almost the same as mine:
My BD November 18th, 2015, your BD - November 20th 2015
My wife filed for divorce February 8, 2016, your wife said she wants divorce Feb 7th 2016
Man, this is tough.
Good stuff. Sorry about your situation, but it sounds like you came out the other side a better man.
I think my wife may be having ea with exboyfriend. Lol. Just kidding
I think my wife may be having ea with exboyfriend. Lol. Just kidding
Kidd all you want, but the exes are prime suspects. And yes, I came out of this whole mess a better man with a better understanding of the world. I am almost glad this whole thing happened (and I am NOT kidding).
JB, I just noticed your dates are almost the same as mine:
My BD November 18th, 2015, your BD - November 20th 2015
My wife filed for divorce February 8, 2016, your wife said she wants divorce Feb 7th 2016
Man, this is tough.
I was actually referencing this about ex
Well she's sticking to her guns. Wife has told me she's getting a apartment and taking the kids since I won't move out. I'm not quite sure how I feel about I'm taking the kids statement. I guess I need to talk to my lawyer ASAP. Looks like I'll be moving into a new stage of this growth experience.
Sorry to hear that Jb9140. I definitely would talk to your lawyer about her taking the kids with her when she moves. Maybe you can work out a parenting plan before she leaves.
The only thing I can say is that I am told there is still hope. I actually have friends where the H moved out, the W realized he had been having a PA for 2 years, wife DB'ed (without knowing she was) and they started MC after 9 months and he is moving back in soon. So, keep DB'ing…for yourself primarily….detach at the same time you stand for your marriage.
Well she's sticking to her guns. Wife has told me she's getting a apartment and taking the kids since I won't move out. I'm not quite sure how I feel about I'm taking the kids statement. I guess I need to talk to my lawyer ASAP. Looks like I'll be moving into a new stage of this growth experience.
Yep, you need to lawyer up fast.
She can't move the kids from the marital home without your permission.
Hey
that is true about the kids, where they live right now is their home not grandmas, not the new apartment not anywhere other then the address on your drivers license, (marital home). Both parent need to agree to change that. Talk to your lawyer.
She just texted me to let me know that she wants to meet up for coffee and discuss the situation. She asked if I would come with a open mind. if open mind means me moving out, I'm afraid she may see my close mind.
Sandi - i would really appreciate your input here. I really don't think I should leave my house, but I really am concerned about my wife's health. She says that she is having Panic attacks and generally a emotional wreck. I know some will say that's her problem, but I truly don't want to hurt my wife. I just feel like she has got it stuck in her mind that the husband should leave the house during separation. I sure this is about boundaries. I would love your opinion.
Sandi - i would really appreciate your input here. I really don't think I should leave my house, but I really am concerned about my wife's health. She says that she is having Panic attacks and generally a emotional wreck. I know some will say that's her problem, but I truly don't want to hurt my wife. I just feel like she has got it stuck in her mind that the husband should leave the house during separation. I sure this is about boundaries. I would love your opinion.
I am obviously not Sandi, but here are my 2 cents. She is blowing smoke up your ass and is gaslighting you. You are not causing your W's medical issues, so by definition you can not be held responsible for them. If she has medical issues she should consult a licensed medical professional.
And stay out of her head, trust me, you do not want to be in there. You do not know what she is thinking and being "extra nice" will get you nowhere and fast. Stick to your guns, take back you balls from her purse and show her you are a man, not a pushover.
I am obviously not Sandi, but here are my 2 cents. She is blowing smoke up your ass and is gaslighting you. You are not causing your W's medical issues, so by definition you can not be held responsible for them. If she has medical issues she should consult a licensed medical professional.
And stay out of her head, trust me, you do not want to be in there. You do not know what she is thinking and being "extra nice" will get you nowhere and fast. Stick to your guns, take back you balls from her purse and show her you are a man, not a pushover.
Vapo is right, JB you need to man up and stand your ground. If you move out all kinds of bad things happen. Just Google "husband leave house divorce" and you'll see all the legal and custody issues with abandoning your house.
Stand your ground, stay in your house. If she wants to blow up the marriage, she should be the one leaving the house. This is one thing I didn't screw up when I discovered her EA.
What exactly is gaslighting? I pretty sure it's blowing smoke up my ass.
I sent (or thought I sent) a post, but I'm not seeing it.
I think your nice-guyness is showing. Unless you have withheld information about the MR, then I don't see your W giving you a legit reason for breaking up the family. Her telling you she gets panic attacks and that you
have to get away from her immediately is a little suspicious sounding, to me. She then threatens to take your children and leave if you don't move out. To me, that is being a bully.
You are concerned and are considering leaving b/c of her health? You are the one with health issues.....not
her. Has she been to a doctor about these attacks? Is she taking prescription medication for her panic attacks? Have you ever
seen her have a panic attack? If so, and if you are the reason......what is there about you that gives her panic attacks?
It all just seems a bit....
convenient.
Like I said, check with a lawyer.
Nothing withheld. I personally feel like she's being a bully also and I've got to take my balls back.
I'm going to have coffee with her in 30 minutes. Listen to her with eye contact then let her know I'm not moving out and if she takes the kids I'll get a emergency custody hearing.
Remember to walk away if things get heated….don't get angry and be calm. Good luck and keep us posted.
DO NOT (!!!) get provoked so she could use it against you. Just turn away... Be the bigger man.
things actually went well. She's moving out and we're splitting kids 50/50. She's not filing for divorce right now because she doesn't want me to lose insurance coverage. She asked if we could keep one account to pay all bills. This is a little weird. Any thoughts?
Seems like it went better than you thought….similar to my sitch at this time. Hopefully, that gives you the gift of time to start DB'ing for yourself while standing for your marriage.
If you do set up the one account, you make sure you come to the understanding who contributes what and what this money is to be used for in great detail, best in writing, signed by both of you. DO NOT believe anything she says, SHE WILL try to play you...
Yeah, I've already said that we need to outline a agreement on all the fine details signed by both parties. I'm hoping this will give us both time to reflect on our marriage. I'm definitely going as dark as possible except in regards to kids.
If I should start another thread on my reflections, I think I will start by warning H's to be very leery whenever his WW asks to meet for coffee. Let that be a red flag whenever you hear it.
Listen guys, she is not meeting to tell you she has your best interest at heart! She will disguise it with how she will splits 50/50 child time (which the courts would probably do anyway), and in this case made herself appear to be so gracious by keeping her H on her insurance...........and then the REAL reason for the meeting comes out. She wants the H to help with her finances. Why should he? She fired him as her H. Along with his role as H, is the protector and provider. She wants the advantages without actually having him as her H. That is cake eating 101.
If you don't agree to the one account for her, she will drop you off her insurance like a hot potato. This is manipulation. Nobody can do it better than a wayward spouse.
I need solid advice here. Not saying it's not solid what your saying Sandi. I just don't want to ruin a chance for reconciliation down the road. What your saying is there's know reason we shouldn't have separate bank accounts at this point unless she has alterior motives
You are not making ANY sense... Please rephrase your question, I cannot make head or tail of it...
I don't trust my wife right now that's a given. We both have income coming into the account. Mine is a bit more, but I don't believe that's her purpose. I don't think if I suggested that we split accounts up she would drop me off insurance. I believe she's still looking out for herself. I just don't think instance is her motive. I've got a pretty good bullshit detector at this point.
I'm really struggling with this WW terminology. I've got no evidence of any affair and I've done a lot of snooping. I believe my wife definitely qualifies for WAW. I want to be stern with my wife about the moving out and having one bank account but I don't want to come off as a control freak. I want to tell her I don't think dating is wise during the separation in regards to the kids or hope of reconciliation. I just feel like it's going to come off as telling a grown adult what to do. I know most will flame me for being a nice guy or getting gas lighted. I real love my wife and feel bad
Buddy, you could be standing on your head drinking a glass of water whilst humming the Yellow rose of Texas and it will not make one bit of good. She is determined to get away from you and nothing you do right now will make her change her mind.
Any talking about not dating will just make you look weak and pathetic. Oh, she might even verbally agree with with you on this one (while being totally pissed at you for interfering in her personal life), but she WILL do what she wants to do and there is nothing you can do about it. My point is, she WILL be lying to you, sho why even go there?
I hear what you're saying. I'm [censored] scared to death of letting go.
I agree with Vapo - she is going to do what she wants. And, telling her not to date is controlling. And, if you say not to date because it ruins chances for reconciliation then you are pushing her into relationship talk. Time to give her the space and time she needs while you DB. Hopefully, she will see that you are a man only a fool would leave.
I'm really struggling with this WW terminology. I've got no evidence of any affair and I've done a lot of snooping.
I thought you're the one who suspects EA since January? That's in your signature lines.
I hear what you're saying. I'm [censored] scared to death of letting go.
Isn't that why you are here? To Detach? To Detach is to let go.
Again, Vapo is right. Asking her to not date is useless. She already fired you from your job as her husband. You're asking her not to find another employee to fill your spot? It won't work. She already had a plan before she fired you.
Suspects is key word here. I went ahead and told he we have to have different accounts. She pays her own bills new car payment since she taking the new car, her student loan. She pays here own bills for her apartment electric cable phone etc. . All kids expenses split down the middle. She said that's fine. Will see how this goes. I'm going to do my best to detach.
All right, it's official shes moving into a apartment and paying her own bills with separate bank accounts. She asked last night if it would be alright if she took our bedroom set. I said NO. I told her she can buy or get furniture from friends. She can take any personal belongings and clothes, but that is it. I'm going to do my best to detach and GAL. We are going to split time with the kids. I get them Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I don't think this is going to work in the long run, but for now I said it's fine. She also mentioned that the apartment she's moving to has a pool, and I welcome to take the boys to it when ever I want. Suggestions on DB'ing this situation.
JB,
Just wanted to say that it is going to be tough to do every other day with the kids if they are overnights….it is rough on them to switch houses so often.
IMHO, I would say thanks, but no thanks to the pool. She can take them when they are there. You need to find other opportunities to make memories to make with your kids. (parks, community pools, story time at libraries or B&N, etc)
Continue to detach and DB strongly. Take the high road. You've got this.
Wow!! I'm having a hard time concentrating the last couple of Hours. I think I'm having some major anxiety attacks, but they feel surreal. I don't know any other way to explain it. Many thoughts going through my head with this upcoming Separation. Thoughts like, "Maybe she'll change her mind at the last minute, should I start dating immediately or wait til I confirm some type of affair." I hope these are normal and par for the course. Or maybe I'm losing my mind. This really suxs!!!!
When I packed up my H's stuff and put it on the porch, I had half convinced myself he was going to come home and beg me to let him stay. Then part of me thought it would be the last time I ever saw him. What actually happened is he didn't say a word. I came out and told him I loved him but he needed to figure out his sh*t. He just said 'I know" and walked away and has never looked back.
It's all part of the roller coaster.
JB,
It's normal. I had some wicked anxiety and sometimes still do. If I even see a picture of W, it can literally make my hands shake.
I still have issues concentrating at work but it is getting better.
Wife is moving into her new apartment April 1st. At this point I have know Idea if she's WW, Walk AWAY, or whatever term. What is the best approach for moving day. she's not taking a lot, but probably enough to use a little help. Do I stay leave the house while she moves out, do I help with moving things, etc.... This is going to be a really hard day. Acting as if is going to be hard as hell.
Personally I would not help with the moving, she's a big girl, she'll figure it out. I would leave the house with the kids and she can make the move. It would be easier for all of you...
That's what I was thinking. What about helping setup stuff at new apartment. Internet, Tv, Etc... The kids will be staying there partime also.
What part of "She's a big girl, she'll figure her stuff out" did you not understand.
If they fired you from work, would you still go there to fix things?
Hey Jb. I am about 2 weeks ahead of your exact sitch. My W move out this past Saturday and I struggled with all that you are going through now.
I did not help her move. I took my son and we visited some family. Kids do not need to see their Mom move out.
I have helped her with stuff pertaining to S13 but that's it.
It hurts like heck when you will see her packing stuff and seeing it all around the house. It hurts worse when you come home and see it all gone.
But, you will make it through it. If you are like me, its seems so permanent. But as Sparkls advised me, its just"stuff". Stuff can be moved easily.
It has been hard for me so far to not obsess about what WAW is doing, who she is talking to etc. It drives me nuts.
Try to focus on kids when you have them and GAL. I amworking on it but will get there.
One more caveat, they will be really excited about new place and will probably say stuff in front of you. That will hurt too. But, it's something new for them. That newness will fade as Thornton advised me.
Thanks for the heads up. I didn't think about the newness factor. I'll try to keep up with your thread, since your a few weeks ahead of me.
I can not stress enough that there is no reason for you to do anything to help.
The newness factor is nothing and it goes away fast! My W used this to get kids on board, then at xmas she went overboard trying to get them to like being there more.
None of it worked. They tell her they want to stay with me more to her face, S5 told her that it is not their home and my house is their home. I didnt look up or say a word.
I agree that you shouldn't help and the kids shouldn't see her move. Unless the kids need something, I'd let her do it all. She has to see what it will be like without you around.
This might sound like a stupid question, but here it goes. Wedding ring, she hasn't worn it since BD'd. Should I ask for it when she leaves?
No - just a veiled way to have R talk.
This might sound like a stupid question, but here it goes. Wedding ring, she hasn't worn it since BD'd. Should I ask for it when she leaves?
No. It appears petty and she will use it against you in D proceedings, as part of your "unreasonable behavior."
Remember, anything you gifted to her remains her property. I made the dumb mistake of given my WW diamond earrings while I was being gaslighted after BD-day for Xmas. Kiss them goodbye!
Any thoughts on what to tell kids about the separation? Ages 5 & 7.
I wa just thinking we would say mommy and daddy are going to live at separate places right now. And tell them that they will be spending time at both places.
my kids are same age, we just told them we were having problems living together and mommy would be moving to a different house. they will still have all of their friends and things etc.. but also spend time at moms.
then w went on trying to get them excited about all new stuff. failed.
overall kids took the news ok.
when it finally happened s4 then now 5 flipped would not leave me.
Any thoughts on what to tell kids about the separation? Ages 5 & 7.
I wa just thinking we would say mommy and daddy are going to live at separate places right now. And tell them that they will be spending time at both places.
Those are tough ages, not sure what would be appropriate.
I told my 11 year old son the truth, what WW did. It made him sad that day but I think it has helped him since. He understands the issue and he knows what is really going on, instead of the manure that my WW wanted us to feed him.
When I was about the same age, my dad cheated on my mom. People lied to me for 6 months before telling me the truth. It was terrible to try to piece together facts from lies, so I knew I had to tell my son the truth.
Can some advise or give me there experience with exchanging kids during separation. There should only be two days we interact. Saturday and Sunday. If she invites me in to her new apartment should I go in? When she drops kids off at our home should I invite her in?
1. Why would you invite her in?
2. If she invites you in, why should you decline?
Be cheerful, keep the witch guessing...
I think you are giving way to much thought into those small things. Just do what feels ok to you at the time.
If going in to her place will be bad for you mentally then don't.
If you want to invite her in then do it but don't look needy and pursuing.
In the end. Don't focus on this stuff.
I've all of a sudden got this real intense anger building up in me. I'm trying my best to let it out slowly, and trying not to let it out in front of my kids or wife. Is this normal when someone is getting closer to a separation date? she's moving out April 1st. This is a horrible feeling that i don't like to have inside of me. it's starting to effect my work and the way I've been interacting with my colleagues.
Can't help you here. My anger only came when I wouldn't get the response I wanted trying to fix. Never really got mad at her
I understand that anger. How can she do this? Does she not care? Does our time together mean nothing? etc. Use the anger to detach. I do best with the anger because I can see what WAW is putting not just me but the family through and it helps me to picture moving on, even though I am still holding out some hope.
I am trying to proceed like it is already final.
Sad to say but this is long bumpy ride my friend. Focus on your kids and you and GAL activities and possibly her time alone with the S will lower her walls a bit.
I will tell you that the stress of having you both in same house at the moment is rough. When you do separate, at least you both can breathe. This whole thing is killing me with S but I am in one week and feel better than day 1. So it does get better.
This might sound like a stupid question, but here it goes. Wedding ring, she hasn't worn it since BD'd. Should I ask for it when she leaves?
Doing things to simply get a reaction will not likely get you much .... Why get the ring, does it fit you? Would you wear it? What's the purpose... Even in a D case rinds are classified as gifts... Not like another woman would want it.
I've all of a sudden got this real intense anger building up in me. I'm trying my best to let it out slowly, and trying not to let it out in front of my kids or wife. Is this normal when someone is getting closer to a separation date? she's moving out April 1st. This is a horrible feeling that i don't like to have inside of me. it's starting to effect my work and the way I've been interacting with my colleagues.
Anger is, of course, quite normal. Have you looked into stages of grief? If not, please do so.Anger is not to be subdued, but it HAS TO BE CHANNELED. Do not get angry in front of her, or heaven forbid in front of the children. A baseball bat and an old trash can do the trick nicely, or better yet go for a long hike in the woods and yell at a spruce or an oak tree, just be careful not to piss off a bear or a mountain lion (or a park ranger). It is highly therapeutic. I am not kidding you, try this advice, it will do wonders for you. You have to let the anger out of your system in a healthy way.
I just can't stop thinking about my kids spending time with some douchbag that hooks up with my wife.