Hope everyone had a good Valentine Day. I am just journaling.
So I took my S8 skiing over the weekend. He and I had a wonderful time in the snow. S8 called and FaceTimed his mommy each day while away but I did not join the conversation or called WW.
Got back from ski trip late Saturday night. The next day I had kids give their prepared Valentine Day card to their mommy (I got her nothing and she did nothing for me either). Spent the day doing chores and time with S10. That night we went out to dinner as a family (nothing special).
I can honestly feel myself detaching and GAL but I am take steps in the right direction for me and my kids.
Last 3 days WW is more friendly/nice towards me. Why? Because her childhood friend is visiting for a week and I know she simply wants to drive the car instead of the van (funny.. just last week she was giving me $h!t about not letting her drive it to/from work.. this morning she asked if I was leaving it for her to drive).
I decided earlier on that I would let her use the car for the week only because it is something I would like to use if my friend was visiting (rather than driving the van). Honestly, makes me feel good (do something nice for someone)..
I know her attitude towards me is only temporary and I will continue to detach.
Yesterday, WW and her friend (who is visiting) went shopping. On her way back from shopping she called me re: dinner suggestion (a restaurant for us to meet up). I replied, they should go have dinner and that I would taxi the kids to their activities and finish off the leftovers.
When WW came home she handed me my favorite donuts (they went out of their way to get) and bagels (blueberry my favorite) for breakfast and she bought me a shirt.. I did not ask for anything. My attitude now is.. it's a nice gesture but a gesture she would do for anyone.
All last week WW out with her good friend (who was visiting from out-of-town). Dining and shopping spree.
Both of my kids said they only saw their mom and "auntie" (WW friend) for a few hours last week. I did all the parenting chores/task myself. What I learned, I would be okay if I was a single dad. I don't need my WW.
Seeing all the material stuff she brought home I realize that I do not want to support my WW anymore; be her door matt. That she needs to step up and cover 1/2 of living expenses (or at least more than she currently helps cover). That I can handle (and survive) the idea of S or D if she wants too. I have a life and I would like to enjoy some of my hard earn wage; why am I still thinking that I need to bank it for future (because I have no idea what my future holds.. I need to live in the current moment). How do I bring this up to WW so she positively accept terms (telling her that she needs to cover more of living expenses/bills)?
I watch TED talks. And there a few presentations by Esther Perel.
The presentation on Rethinking Infidelity hit the nail on the head for me. It was exactly what happened to me from the abortion to being cut 1,000 times.
The presentation on secret to long-term relationship.. for those LBH like me this just reinforces DB and strengths Sandi's messages on wayward wifes.. and what women are attracted too.
I checked these out too! Good stuff!
WW said to me "when are we going to talk"? I know she is implying on next steps. I know she is not happy in M. The only option that is different than current situation is S or D. I feel she does not want to work on M.. to her it's over and feels nothing for me.
My response was simple, "whenever you are ready. We can talk". And I walked away and left for work (because I was on my way out the door).
My S8 knows something is not right. He asked me twice this weekend if I still liked mommy; I replied I do. Then he asked me if mommy still liked me; I changed the subject each time.. he would then follow up with why does mommy not like you.. breaks my heart to hear my S8 ask these questions. I know he came to this conclusion because I chose not to go over to a family friends for dinner (I was under the impression the OM was going to be there and I didn't want to deal with that).
Last night, WW makes 2 sarcastic comments about me and "my girlfriend". I did not respond just kept on the primary topic and ignored her comments of "my girlfriend" (I don't have a girlfriend). I know I letting go.. but this is HARD WORK!!
This morning WW threw a tantrum. What should I do?
So, kids sitting at table eating breakfast, WW heads out the house door and turns to me and says, "don't need to move the car.. I am taking it today". I reply in a firm voice, "no, I prefer you not take the car" and follow her out the door. She jumps into the car. I told her I don't know where she goes when she leaves the house (over a year ago she told me she had early work meetings but learned via cell GPS she was going over to OM house which she confirmed.. PA) and I don't intrude on her privacy. She gave me a funny look and said "now you keeping your phone with you and are placing it face down" ($h!t that's what she does.. I just chose to not let that bother me anymore.. I am working on me). So.. I get down to her eye level and calmly tell her, "I am here for the kids.. and I need to do what's right for the kids and me" (I can't pull her out of the car so I walk away back into house and close the entry door.. she follows saying.. I just wanted to see your reaction.. opens the entry door and throws the car key fob into the house.. (my boys see her throw the keys.. clearly a tantrum).
It sounds like guilt. You caught her on the spot and didnt give in. My WW comes up with childish excuses. She once went to an exhibition saying she liked the cartoons in the exhibition. Cartoons she would not have had any rememberance as she was in a different country. But what happens she bumps into OM. Small world. And I am stupid. Well yes I acted stupid otherwise conflict.
Your message was about you not her so pretty nice
It sounds like guilt. You caught her on the spot and didnt give in. My WW comes up with childish excuses. She once went to an exhibition saying she liked the cartoons in the exhibition. Cartoons she would not have had any rememberance as she was in a different country. But what happens she bumps into OM. Small world. And I am stupid. Well yes I acted stupid otherwise conflict.
Your message was about you not her so pretty nice
I think you are correct, WillDo. She was caught off guard but she retaliated..
That night, after I put the kids to bed WW tells me in a sarcastic tone that I better check my bank account. She took $,$$$ from a joint account we used to pay bills but she stop contributing to this account nearly 5 months ago. I felt as though she was robbing me again.. so I had all intentions to take on the defense the next day but..
The very next morning my dog was not well and I had to take him to the vet. Long story short we had to put my dog down (13 year old lab). It was a VERY emotionally hard thing to do. My WW and I both were there.. this put a damper into my defensive move that day.
Saturday, after kids went to bed WW tells me that she is going out. She left the house at 10pm and returned 1am. She tells me she went over to her girlfriend's house.. like I am suppose to believe that. True or not.. I cannot let myself believe her I need to stand strong for me and my kids.
This morning, I so happened to look in my dresser drawer where I kept my wedding ring. It's gone!! I am certain my kids did not take it and 99.9% sure WW did. We haven't fought or argued about MR so what the heck?!? Should I confront her on it?
I feel that the wedding ring is mine NOT hers to decide. She chooses not to wear her wedding ring that's fine. I don't wear mines. But don't take it away from me.. those are my memories. I don't interfere or ask about her where abouts (let her be).. the bulk of our conversations are about our kids so why did she take my ring?
I feel that the wedding ring is mine NOT hers to decide. She chooses not to wear her wedding ring that's fine. I don't wear mines. But don't take it away from me.. those are my memories. I don't interfere or ask about her where abouts (let her be).. the bulk of our conversations are about our kids so why did she take my ring?
That is weird. This is YOUR ring you're talking about, right? Are you sure she took it? I would just ask her if she's seen it and see what she says.
I am 99.9% it was in my drawer when I last saw it.
Several months ago, when she took her ring off and gave it to me I placed it with mine in the drawer. Then after a talk/argument about our MR she apparently went into my drawer and took the ring back without saying anything. I let that go.
The same drawer has letters she wrote to me while we were dating and newly weds. That too, after a talk/argument she went into that same drawer and took those letters (I so happen to find the letters in the trash can and got them back.. fortunately S8 did not do his chore of picking up trash..otherwise it would have been thrown out).
Perhaps you are correct that I should ask rather than accuse.
Journaling.
Yesterday WW left her cell phone, face up, on the kitchen counter while she went to take a shower. Kids and I were eating dinner. Her phone rings and its OM (his name displays). For the first time I was not anxious. I let the event go, I made no mention of it and did nothing in response. I am slowly letting go.. and working on me.
Journaling.
Today I am feeling so alone. Not sure if I shared here but WW and I had to put our dog down due to cancer 2 weeks ago (13 yo lab). WW asked for a paw print of dog as a remembrance and I respect that wish. This morning, I went to the vet clinic to settle bill and pickup clay paw print but the animal clinic screwed up. I did not blow up at the receptionist handling my bill but I shared my frustration with WW on phone as I left the vet clinic. After I hung up with WW I realized it was a sign of weakness but I honestly had no one else to talk to at that moment who would understand the situation.. my life stinks!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, 123mich. Losing your dog just adds so much additional stress and sadness. Then the paw print got messed up, too? That just is too much.
Calling the one other person that might understand your frustration wasn't weakness. It was just reaching out.
Hang in there, and I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Hi Phoebe, thanks for the kind words.
This morning I get a bunch of text from WW (she is trying to look at a joint account that she THINKS I locked her out from accessing). So I call her and shared I did not change anything on that account other than I NO LONGER fund that account (she was the last to withdraw $,$$$ from that account.. an account we had setup to pay a loan NOT to withdraw cash!).
She rages on the phone how I am attacking her (by locking her out of funds.. that the $ is what we saved together (honestly, she is a spender and has NEVER contributed a penny into these accounts.. HOWEVER I get her point)).. I get in it with her by saying that she took EVERYTHING from me (referring to my happiness and the MR). I tell her she can move out and then we can talk about spilling the funds OR she can continue to live in house but pay for her living expense and that I will cover the kids. WW says she has no $.. really?? She works and makes a good salary. She continues and says that this is abuse.. financial abuse. I tell WW I am protecting myself and kids (future for college).. she then tells me that the next thing I will do is turn our kids against her.
Whatever.. I am just done with it. I refuse to let her walk all over me.
She mentioned on the phone that she is not happy for what she has done.. first time she every said that.. but NEVER said she is sorry. I know she is not sorry and that she still talks to OM.. so for that reason I don't give a $hit.. and I refuse to believe anything she tells me or trust her. In the end, I can only control myself and actions.. my reactions is something I need/will continue to work on.