Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2651940&#Post2651940Day by day week by week I am finding I am crying less not waking up,in so much fear
Still living together and I am not pushing things here
Focus on what I can control
Ghost
New thread , new G. It's hard G but you can get to grips with this
Positive thoughts. Rd
Thanks rd
I would say 80 percent of the time I am ok it is just when I have time to think that my mind starts to wander.... I keep telling myself right now I really do not have anything of a relationship nothing.
I played tennis this morning I have signed up with a new personal trainer at a smaller private gym he does a 12 week program not cheep but he guarantees results I have signed up for 6 months and hope by that time I should have lost three or four stone of weight but also packed on quite a bit of muscle
This is about changing me making me look better and becoming more healthy
It is an investment into my wellbeing and this is priceless
Enjoying spending time with children
Feeling happier
Ghost
Good job. You have done very well being persistent about your weight and working out.
good to hear ghost... keep it up
Glad to read it Ghost, and it sounds like you are doing well with the activity levels. If you can match that with eating well, you're going to get there for sure.
I'm glad you are feeling happier in yourself too xx
Sotto are you still in the same house with H
Some days are flippin hard and I almost just want to screem ENOUGH
I do wonder how this is affecting our children I know w is and I am crying I have to think of our kids here
I am having my first training session with new fitness coach on Monday and hill sprints tomorrow morning
Hey ghost , nice to hear that you are doing good.
You say you wonder how this is affecting the children. Trust me ,it does. I have a 3yr old and a 1yr old. I have notice they act different , I at times see a sad face. But as soon i do, i make her smile by acting silly or telling her something funny or just telling her i love you. It's heartbreaking to see their innocent little soul being affected by their mother's decision to just give up. Hang tight ghost! Yes , it's a wild ride.
But everything starts falling into its place once you drop the rope and you stop caring for her.
Drop the rope and stop caring for her this is where I need to be at
Right now all I can do is work in me and become a better person someone that I love a little more than I do right now
I am working in my weight and my business
I do not want to loose my wife I lost her 8 months ago and truth be known probablŷ a couple of years before that as well
Yes she tried telling me she was unhappy and I did not listen I cannot change this I wish I could.
With everything that I know I still cannot drop this flipping rope I will keep working in it I really will
Today was a good day overall and I will focus on what I can control
Question time of the people that have been bombed who took the next step did you insist it was the one that dropped the bomb or did you decide that things had to move forward how did you decide when the time was right to push on with your life
Thanks
Ghost
Ghost, I just wanted to say hello and I think the fitness training is going to be awesome for you!
Drop the rope and stop caring for her this is where I need to be at
Right now all I can do is work in me and become a better person someone that I love a little more than I do right now
I am working in my weight and my business
I do not want to loose my wife I lost her 8 months ago and truth be known probablŷ a couple of years before that as well
Yes she tried telling me she was unhappy and I did not listen I cannot change this I wish I could.
With everything that I know I still cannot drop this flipping rope I will keep working in it I really will
Today was a good day overall and I will focus on what I can control
Question time of the people that have been bombed who took the next step did you insist it was the one that dropped the bomb or did you decide that things had to move forward how did you decide when the time was right to push on with your life
Thanks
Ghost
It's awesome that you are working on your body. I think me and you started this whole fiasco around the same time. My whole world came crumbling on sept 14 / 2015. Ever since , I have lost a total of 35lbs but not because i worked out but because i starved myself. Thankfully it has made me look more attractive which has build confidence in me. Something i had lost ever since we had our first born. I catch myself looking in the mirror at times ( not trying to sound stuck up lol) I started going out with friends. I hve met some older women and boy do i love them. I have been hitting luck with older women lately , im 27 and i have met several 41 yr old ladies.Nothing serious.
I am not telling you thats the best advise, by no means.
Work has kept me extremely busy, especially with a new promotion in management ( thank the men upstairs)
Now on to your question. I believe the time i dropped the rope was when my wife answered to my email. I remembered sending an email ( against DB rules) blaming myself for everything , telling her sorry , basically blaming me for all the mistakes. What got to me was her response , she was in fact agreeing and strongly reassuring me that it was my mistake this whole marriage failed. She didnt take any blame. Nothing was her fault. She even told me " i didnt deserve her " because i just admitted that i destroyed the marriage. Thats when i told myself , enough is enough. What am I doing? I am doing the same dang thing I've been doing this whole relationship which is to blame myself for everything. The whole 5 yrs we were together i would always blame myself and i never heard a " I am sorry" from my wife. Theres a point where enough is enough. Thats when i dropped everything and knew she didnt deserve a good man like me. What helped the most was that after 4moths without seeing my daughters , 4months!!! finally i take her to court, that same weekend i was able to see them. Nothing else mattered but my daughters. I love them so much. Just like I am sure you love your kids
Ghost
No one is expecting you to be able to drop the rope right away. Not what anyone has said to you yet from what I remember. Everyone is telling you to do things for you. Stop obsessing over her actions and words.
Live a good proud life. Be awesome. Let her do what she wants. You will still have disagreements but the way you handle them and let it roll off your back.
The ripe dropping will come little by little over time.
But take the focus off of her is your biggest thing to overcome
Still living at home with the w still not been to mediation I am not in any hurry to push for that although more and more it feels like I am just delaying the inevitable
She still wants to be in separate houses and has not changed her stance since bomb date I thought over time she might see things differently
Her best friend has also seporated from her partner husband and is about 6 months ahead of my W and I and she is getting lots of positive encouragement to stick with her decision.
I have been working on me I hav been going to the gym and have joined a small personal trainer I have signed up to a 6 month program and I feel very motivated to loose 3 or 4 stone I plan to transform my body I am trying to take the focus off my w however I still cannot imagine life deleted without her ...I know I know she has already left the marrage it is just incredibly difficult seeing her every day in the house I do not believe that the dynamics of my situation is going to change until we are in separate houses and even then things may not change
I find myself going over a lot of the same things having many of the same thoughts I do not believe that this is fair on my children and over the last eight months I have had a good chance to look at myself and reflect upon the things that I have done and I except my part in the final year of our marriage my wife however does not believe any of this is her fault
Sandis I still do not fully understand if my wife is wayward or just a walk away wife I know she blames me for being controlling and abusive she told me on one of our conversations that all she ever wanted was a quality and for me to be an equal in the marriage I know I let her down there
I want to reason with her and I keep trying to tell myself that there is a chance I have still got such a lot of work to do on myself and Detaching from the situation I do not know how long it will take for me to get over my wife she says she has been unhappy for a number of years I do not believe I will be over my wife in two or three years
Hi Ghost. You seem to back on the sorry go round.
This is happening and it's very very sad You can carry on and that's your choice or you can decide to change and move forward. Your weight loss sounds great and is a huge positive.
If your W ever does turn around then it will be a long time and that's hard to accept
Think of it like a dog that's kicked every time his master comes home and then the master stops. How long before the dog really trusts that the changes are for good ??
Your W has a picture of how her life will be when you separated. She is not going to change her mind until she lives this reality
Ghost I feel your pain but accept what is a move forward for you
Take care mate. Rd
I feel like this is the hundredth time I have read that post.
We all
Understand this is awful. But I think for your mental health you need to start moving forward with this.
As stated before, the longer you stay in the house together, the harder it is going to be for you.
You are doing such a good job working on transforming your body. I wish you would work just as hard at transforming your mindset.
I suppose we are similar to you and your W. You keep thinking you can persuade her to change her mind about separating. We keep trying to persuade you to change your mind about several things. Maybe we all are going in circles, b/c I don't know if we are accomplishing much ground. Do you think the board is helping you? I hope so, but you realize that when it comes down to it....it's up to you to do what you need to do.
Just like when we go for years eating things we shouldn't eat, and we aren't exercising. It seems our body really pays the price for it, and it's not fun whipping ourselves back into shape. Same applies for our mental selves. We get sloppy or unhealthy in our thought patterns and it is work to get back into a healthy mindset, but it can be done.
Get out bud! I like rd's synergy about a dog - just how many times does it get kicked until it says enough is enough. You have to get out of this situation, it's going to kill you.
Let me relate something that happened to me yesterday. My W came with the kids. She's been moved to another temporary place, about 6 miles away. She complained about getting to me through the traffic. I just said 'I know' and didn't enter in to conversation.
When she came back later, she was full of chat about her life and I showed interest, but was overflowing. Then today, she calls to get me to talk to my D, who was misbehaving. She was thankful I was there. OK, so she is starting to realise how much she actually needs me. No expectations, but it's a chink in her armour. There is no way that would happen if we were together.
As usual pal, we can help you as much as we can, but we're not on the ground and if you won't do anything we suggest, I don't know how much we can add.
Hi G,
I wonder when you will really stop and think about your situation. I mean really.
Your W has called it a day. You are not really doing anything to win her back. It is not her fault she is not warming to you. She has told you she wants out and she is free to do it.
She cannot be criticized for wanting to end the relationship. In fact no spouse can. When there is no love only unhappiness sometimes it is the best thing. Accept it.
Your reason to come to these threads is to find possible solutions to get your W back and employ them with the hope that the unilateral effort you put in will warm her to you. She however is under no obligation to do so. Remember she is the one calling it a day.
Posting over and over and over again that she wants out, wants a separation, is done, bla bla bla is not going to do anything.
People are telling you what you should and should not do yet you are doing very little of that work. Even so you expect results. Ask yourself why should she come back to you?
I mean ... apparently your biggest problem is your controlling attitude yet you go to the gym and spend more time with your kids and expect she will warm to you.
The last interaction you have had with her was tense and painful. Any further interaction has the likelyhood of ending the same way.
If you want to stand a chance of keeping her let her go and STOP concentrating on her.
I really wish you all the best but also really wonder why you use this forum if you dont apply the suggestions that involve your W. Only find ways around them.
Peace
Max
Ok so to clarify what hw been said
It is time for me to make the move to sell our house and go our separate ways
Huddy my w is not going to struggle in many ways she has built up about 12k as a leaving fund and has found a job that is two or three nights a week so this will be her income
She does not care if we go to separate houses this is what she wants
She does not care if she only sees her kids three or four days a week so this is what she will get she decides
I have taken my kids to Devon for a few days so will see if this takes my mind off my marrage
I still find myself thinking about her and what we had and what we could have
Thank you for your comments I have to be getting closer surely
I still find myself thinking about her and what we had and what we could have
What you had is over and what you could have may never been. You have a present to live in, stop neglecting it by living in the past and future.
Hi Ghost
Ģ12k won't last long, especially if she's only working three days a week.
I'd be surprised if she's not bothered about the kids. If she's that far gone, then she has some serious work to do on herself. Going away to Devon sounds good. Bit chilly this time of year, but there Is plenty to entertain the kids down there.
I think being apart might make things clearer, to both of you. When I look back now, when we were in house S, I was stressed to the max and wasn't sleeping, eating properly etc. Being apart means I still miss being part of a couple, but it isn't the end of the world (yeah, you think it will be) and GAL'ing helps enormously.
I'm not saying you give up hope, you just give up on the situation for now. There is no fix you can perform here; your W will have to reach your own conclusions.
If any couple had to Socrates and live in separate homes, it's the two of you. You need to rip that bandaid and see you would be fine and perhaps even better.
I might add, Huddy, that you sound so much stronger after getting out from under the in-house separation. I don't know how you stayed as long as you did.
Ghost, let Huddy be an example of getting better.
Once the initial shock or whatever you may call it wears off, I feel it is much better out of house. I know the first week or two were living he!!. After that, living without the tension, without the constant tip toeing around the eggshells of anxiety spread throughout the home. It is a different kind of struggle G but I feel it did me good. I am in a place now, I couldn't have ever imagined being a few months back.
I am in no way saying it's going to fix every thought in your head, but it will not be in your face everywhere you turn. Makes it easier to GAL. Easier to sit and think. Just easier to live.
Easy to explain sandi2 - fear. That's what I'm trying to explain to Ghost. Between BD (Easter Sunday) and about the start of September, I think I was petrified that my life would be so shite, that I wouldn't see my kids and my W would move 230 miles away, I was motionless. Chats with NDY, RD, Sotto, Azzork, Wonka and yourself made me reappraise the work I'd done and I realised I had to make a better stab at it.
Yeah, I still miss W, but I'm no longer stressed out and I have my kids with me right now. W is no longer as hostile and who knows what might happen. That's the thing, until you actually release yourself from the fear, you spin - it's that simple.
Ghost - get out; even if you're just going to sleep in a bedsit, you will find some peace and be able to do proper work on yourself.
Thank you for the last few posts I know that this is where I need to be
I really need some support I don't need a bashing I am at the end
I had a very difficult night last night I am away with my younger children at my sisters my eldest daughter is at home and have had little contact with my wife I know she was going out last night my eldest daughter told me and she told me that she was going out for a meal and then off to two different night clubs.
I have been feeling very low and stupidly I tried phoning her at 1.30 am eventually she answered after hanging up the phone before answering three or four times I could've been calling about the children or anything as it was I was trying to phone her as I was feeling very low
I do not know what I expected there was a lot of background noise she was clearly at a nightclub and I guess she would have been enjoying herself and the last person that she wanted to speak to would have been me
She was cold and very distant towards me and un caring unloving she just wanted to get back to her friend and the nightclub
I hung up from her and ended up on the phone to the Samaritans for over an hour
This situation is affecting me I really do not know if I will get through this and I know when I go back home I know a conversation will take place because of the fact that I called her whilst she was out
I cannot continue with an in-house seperation with no chance of getting back with her it is killing me
Please be strong for me I do not need a bashing from you guys I do not have a plan of what is going to happen or how I would like things to pan out when I get home I will be shooting from the hip
Do I go home and tell her as I walk in through the door that I am done and I cannot do this any longer
Do I call her from here and say I am sorry for calling her
Do I wait for her to bring it up when I get home then agree with whatever she says with relation to what happens next
I still love her and desperately want to Try and finds way to fix this I feel I have to start to hate her I do not want to hate her
Feeling destroyed and shattered
Ghost
Hey G,
I haven't been around much lately. It seems you are have a little slide backwards. You know I saw Huddy's post and I thought to myself you know I reckon G is going to much better than he anticipates being in his own place. You know I reckon space from all the is or isn't going to happen, will in some way be a relief. Finally you will know and with that comes two things.
1. The unknown thing that you have been thinking about anticipating and turning into a huge monster is no longer unknown, you get to see the thing that has been freaking you out. Your imagination stops running wild and reality can set in.
2. You can feel the independence of being your own man, making decision that in most instances effect only you. Imagine yourself, (when you don't have the children) being able to do exactly as you please. This morning I lay in bed for two hours chatting with friends online. My washing needed to be folded, more washing to be done. I needed to tidy my bedroom. And I did none of it until I wanted to. There was no one there to think I was being lazy, not helping, no feelings of judgement. Its a good feeling G.
Sometimes it is easy to imagine how bad things are going to be, but G, it is equally as easy to allow your brain to think about how good it might be too.
Maybe G, maybe just every now and then, imagine the how good it might feel thinking and worry about only you.
Just a little crazy suggestion, try it on for size and see where you mind takes you if you allow yourself only a stream of thought about how good it could be.
Hope this passes soon. We know it does just read back on your threads. It totally confirm that these feelings pass and you get a second wind. Do believe everything you think G. It may not be true.
Keep posting G.
Jellyxxx
Don't believe everything you think and feel G. It may not be true. Damn edit button..so bloody wayward!
I'm sorry Ghost...and no bashing from me - just hugs (((()))
When you see her, just let her know that you've decided you need to separate and you'll start looking for your own place. Apologise briefly for calling her so late. Let her know that you don't wish the marriage to end, but you respect her choice if she does.
Then start looking to get yourself fixed up with a place. Also, Google DRW in your area to see if you can get involved in a local group.
Sorry not to post more my friend, I'm dashing off now - but I'm sure others will be along soon. Hang on in there - you will get to the other side of this I promise.
Take care ((((()))))
Hi G. I really feel for you buddy. I know how you feel and it's so difficult.
I know you need support and not to be talked at but at some point you need to accept what's happening
The call was probably the worst thing you could have done and with each of these actions all you are doing is confirming her decision to leave.
G , I get you want this resolved but it can't be right now and maybe never You don't have a choice in this and that's a fact
We all have adversity in our lives and it's unavoidable Your struggling because your whole foundation has been rocked You have control of how you react and that's where your control ends.
G , pull yourself together and accept the marriage is over because it is. Accept that each call and each talk just nails the coffin lid on the marriage shut tighter and tighter
I don't know your W but while she's unique to you her actions follow a pattern seen on here time and time again In her head she's done , she's not married anymore and you are an obstacle to her happiness.
You need to make a decision to let go and work towards that goal You have no choice anyway so acceptance is not only a choice but a finality
I'm sorry this is happening to you family and its so hard to deal with but deal with it you must
Make a choice today and move forward When you get home make your plans to move and don't talk to W about anything but logistics , nothing else The hole you e dug is deep enough and the time has come to stop digging
Take stock and see what's happening
Take care. Rd
Morning Ghost
OK, no bashing here either. You know that calling her was the wrong decision. You know that this can't continue. Calling the Samaritans - well, if you felt you needed that, then that's fine, but don't let this moment define the rest of your life.
At her age, going to a nightclub is a passing fad. The appeal of being out until 3/4 in the morning will soon grow poor. At the moment she feels alive, fresh, not oppressed by G (unfortunately your call simply reaffirmed that she needs to get out), but it will pass. One day she will wake up and realise what she's losing. I think it's in the DB book about people packing love away in a box and then one day finding it again and unpacking it.
Being out of the situation is the only way to go. Your W will only know what she is losing, if it is lost. Do you see what I'm saying?
We're looking out for you Ghost, but the spinning has got to stop and it's time for Ghost to put his foot down and start being a man again.
Hi ghost,
I'm sorry your having such a rough time right now, I know that desperation of feeling like your loosing it āll but please listen to me, your not loosing, your gaining. You get the chance to find you and when you do youe going ti feel like a f'ing rockstar. I completely understand the pain because my W was my first and only partner also but it is not the end. We had dreams and shared everything and somewhere along the way we both neglected the M. You don't need to state what those things are in your case, it's in the past and crippling your present. The only thing you can do about them now is learn from them and tell yourself you won't make the same mistakes in the future, with her or someone else.
I wish I could show you that being separated or even divorced from the woman we thought would be there forever isn't that bad. I know it's not what you want to hear and there may still be a chance she wakes up in the future but you will be fine no matter what. I was just as bad a year ago, a crying mess desperate to talk to her. There were times when she told me certain things I would fall to my knees crying like my life was over, no G, my life was just beginning.
My W is dating OM2 right now and I felt the exact same as you have a year ago. My kids are in their rooms and spend more time with me than with her each week. My apartment is awesome and I have freedom and ways to act like I never have before. In house separation was hell, pure hell. Getting out of there allowed me to begin to find who I really was and discover my own happiness, just as it will with you. I've read how to speak about your job and hobbies so I know there's an amazing guy in you also. He's just enmeshed in W and what she's doing. Let her go G, you are going to be more than fine. If W comes back in the picture later on you will be the strong man that can build a new M with her. If not you will be the strong man who build a new M with someone else eventually.
Take care of you. You have children that depend on you and if anything ever happened to you it would devastate them more than you know. The kind of devastation that ripples through and effects their entire lives.
Hi Ghost, I've just spent the day with a couple of others, helping a DRW (Divorce Recovery Workshop) friend settle into his new place.
He tried to rent somewhere last year, but found he couldn't handle that. So he has been staying with his parents for a good while. His BD is similar to mine & he found it hard to believe the M was over. He kept going back to mow the lawn, do jobs etc.
However, he has worked through things in his mind. He's rented a lovely 2 bed house and we've helped him choose some new stuff to get it nice and cosy. His S came to stay over the weekend & he hopes to do some cooking with his son.
Who knows what may happen in his M going forward? Like me, he is close to finalising D, has accepted this and sees a life for himself beyond that. Like you, he was not somewhere he wanted to be and struggled significantly for a while. But it is nice to see him laughing and joking again - enjoying new friends, and with a good support network.
Life can unfold in happy ways when we least expect it. Happiness will be around the corner for you too I think.
Do take care, keep posting and let us know how you are doing xx
Okay so things are escalating I come home from my weekend away I need to find that my wife is boxed up a whole load of stuff from the house I'm guessing it's all the things in the house that she wants to take,she s picking all the things that she wants of sentimental value
She says that she purchased the photo frames so they are hers but they were purchased throughout the marrage
Hi Ghost, just stay calm. Remember the exchange you had last time and know that you want to handle things differently this time around. Is she planning to move out herself then and leave you there?
Please don't try to initiate something or persuade her against the course of action she wants to take. Respect it, accept it and then it's a new baseline to move forward from okay? Don't worry about photo frames - that's sweating small stuff.
Keep posting and deep breaths xx
Hi G , it not surprising after the call to be honest For what it's worth this way going to happen anyway but the call might have speeded it up
Time for G to fake it until you make it. The frames don't matter IMHO If you make a fuss she will give them back because she will see you as petite I'm not saying you are but that's how she will see it
This is going to get really tough but I do think it will benefit you in the long run
I don't think you thinking clearly at the moment and its understandlle but you need to see what's happening or you will be posting In a few weeks that you missed your chance while you were living together.
G , W is gone mate and she's been gone for a long while. Every time you mess up you hurt yourself and hurting any chance you might have one day
You will be happy again one day but you will get there quicker if you help yourself
Take care. Rd
Everything has blown up I will summarise the points
Wife goes off to work
I try to talk to my daughter eldest daughter
I try t find some if the photos that have been packed up
I ask for my daughters help in looking at the things that my W has packed so I do not get blamed for taking things or damming things
Daughter says no she will not help me
Daughter is trying to record my conversations on her phone
I say please don't record them she puts phone in nickers to stop me getting it
She starts screeming things were so much better when you were away now your home home your making me want to slit my wrists and kill her self
She is threatening to go out disappear out the house and kill her self I am [censored] scared and do not know what to do she has never done that before and it is late
I get my son to call my W at work and tell her she is going to have to come home as we have a major situation going on.
I am seriously worried for her mental health I call the police she is screeming at me to let her go out into the dark ...I get my son to get the nighbour who is a GP five police turn up to defuse the situation and tell me I did the right thing
One finds a box cutter blade that my daughter uses for work in her bag and takes that off Her
W comes home talked to daughter and the police
W tells me that we need to speak to soliciters tomorrow and that with one daughter that is suicidal things have to change and that we have to start the divodrce procedure and speak with soliciters and get the house on the market
All through out this I remain calm and I am not raising my voice or acting in any way abusive even the police tell me that I am calm and just trying to keep the situation calm
I go and stay at my mums for the night on the advice of the police officer
This is so [censored] [censored]
Time to speak to solicitors how did this get to this point
Feeling very scared
Ghost, I'm sorry to hear that and it sounds as though you took good steps to protect your D.
I would take this to be the moment you have separated. If you are able, I would stay at your Mum's for the time being and start taking steps to get financials resolved and housing arrangements in place.
I don't think you guys can live together just now in such a volatile situation. Do try to keep calm & take care xx
Fogg thank you for your post yes this means so much to me and you speak such wise words
Sotto having you here is a godsend
Re what you talk about me posting here that I missed the oppertunity I believe is that I need to be the one that moves the situation and I need to be the one to tell my wife that we need to be in separate houses
Or do I tell her that I want to divorce from her
Hi G
Just checking in. Sotto has given you great advice.
Take a step back. Maintain the calm that you displayed in dealing with daughter's behaviour. Let the dust settle. Everyone needs to decompress. Let the high level emotion dissipate.
No conversations right now except to display interest and care in your daughter's well being.
Hang tight G. Sometimes crisis is exactly what is needed to unstick a situation and people.
((((G))))
Jellyxxx
Hi Ghost, forget about D just now. You don't want a D and if your W does, she can choose to file. Only talk about S - and Jelly is right - for everything to calm down.
Be the calmest person around from now on, okay?
My W wants to talk to the kids today and discuss where they want to live
And who they ant to live with
The only day to talk with the kids will be today I have a maxed out week at work we have kept the kids off school she wants to talk to the kids do we talk to them together or separately
I do not see how we can avoid this conversation
Get out of the house and let the steam go out of the problem. I wouldn't try any kind of convo with your D as it seems to inflame the situation further. Keep calm. Trying times ahead, but you can do this.
You did the right thing calling the authorities to help with your out of control D17. You are handling this crisis much better than the time your W drove away with the baby. Your D17 is angry and it would be better if you kept some distance from her until the situation is calmer. She probably needs therapy to help her deal with her emotions.
It appears it is time to physically part from your W, to prevent further emotional damage to the children. It is so sad, but you do not want more tragedy to come.
Just my suggestion, if you know your W is going to drive away with boxes she's packed for moving, it might be best if you were not there to see her. It seems to have a psychological effect on you, and you don't want to over react.
Again, good job at staying calm with your D17. I know you probably want a chance to talk to her, but I think your talk will have to come after she has had time to get through this immediate drama. What about your sons? How are they dealing with this? Did they see their sister threatening to run away and commit suicide?
Ok the other children seem fine I have been talking to them they saw her reacting and me having to call the police things are so strained I just want for everything to calm down
I am trying to put off having the chat with the children for today I feel that everyone is too emotional right now and things need to calm down
My W wanted to speak to a soliciters today and I have asked if we can leave it just a couple of days for the dust to settle
I realise that this is going to have to happen
I do not know the questions I should be asking the children and if we should talk to them on their own or as a group as to who they want to life with
Sandi thank you for being here I am not quite sure how long you are about for today but I feel I am going to need your sound advice
I am worried that if I go to my parents then my children will see my W in our house with the stability of her and our home
If I move to my mums to give them space then I do not know if this is the best thing
My daughter will not go to therapy my W will not go to therapy I am still trying to hang on to things I so desperately do not want this to happen but it is happening and will happen
I said to my W we are a family in crisis and she said no we are a family who want different things
She want us to get the house valued he get an estate agent in I think I will let her call them to get a valuation
Do I keep doing house maintance to help to prep the house to sell
So many questions head is spinning
Hi G , please just t stop You had a terrible experience yesterday and handled it really well.
Please no more talk with W about anything other than kids or logistics. Even the mention of therapy is like you saying there is something wrong with her
W is t the woman you married anymore , she doesn't want to work this out , she wants to be free. As hard as that is for you to hear , it's how she feels.
No matter what you say or do right now will be seen by her as negative so don't say anything other kids or logistics.
Is ti possible for you to say to W that you will stay at your mums but visit the kids most nights / days until the house is sold
It's very sad it's come to this but it has and priority is your kids D17 seems to be under tremendous strain and needs kids gloves
G, you can handle this , please accept that your W is not who she was so treating her as you once would can't work , she's not even a friend right now so keep that in mind when your talking to her
Stay strong mate. Rd
RD thank you for posting this is going to be a very tough couple if days things have moved forward and will continue to do so from now
I told her I do not want this but I will accept her choice it is the kids that I worry most about
When we talk to them I do not know if we should talk to them together or separately I am trying to put this off for a couple of days I do not know what questions we should be asking the kids or how to find this out
Hi Mate I'll be checking in all day, I'm no vet but I have been through it
My W wanted to speak to the kids alone but I wouldn't let her. I sat in and just listened and hugs for the Ds. My W did t really blame me and spoke in general terms so it wasn't as bad as it could have been
G , as tough as this will sound , you need to be away from W. There are things you proberbly don't know going on in her life and she needs to do what she feels is right for her. We can't understand and all we can do is accept
Is D17 ok this morning ? I was surprised by her reaction because although she's clearly on Ws side ,'talking about suicide is a big escalation.
G , nearly every reconciliation story on this site comes after a long seperation where both sides have grown and lived for themselves Try to come to terms with what is and not want you want it to be
You might see this as a wake up call for W but for her it's the opposite and more proof that you need to separate
I'm like a broken record but acceptance is key. Imagine you accept what's happening , you can then see you have to look after you and your kids first and foremost. Trust me , I still look to my W for signs and analyse where I have no real idea what she's thinking and I'm separated for 15 months BUT as far as my W is concerned I don't analyse anything and don't even pay attention
We are all here for you G, and we can offer support and the vets advice.
Stay strong , Rd
Unless we specifically tell you that you should repeat it to your W, please don't say to her what we say to you, okay? We are here to help you. The less you say to your W and D17 today, probably the better.
You keep saying how you are desperately hanging on and don't want to split. I think your W sees you clinching tighter & tighter, and she is fighting harder to get away. Release your grip. Let her feel free to leave. It is not what you want, but you cannot force her to love you. No matter how much control you have, you cannot make her love you, at this time.
My suggestion is to talk to the children separately. At least separate the boys from D17, b/c they don't need her drama monopolizing time with them. As for questions, I think they may have questions, but I don't any you would have of them. Just answer any they ask as honestly as you can. If you don't know the answer, tell them you don't know. Mainly, they need to know that this is not their fault, and that they will be taken care of by their parents. The boys, especially, probably need assurance that they will continue spending time with you and doing activities together. Some kids want to know if they will be moving away from their friends or have to change schools. Don't make any promises that you can't keep! The problem is between the adults and not your feelings for the kids, but the kids want to know how this is going to directly affect their lives now and in the near future (which adults don't always know how to answer).
I agree that the stressful emotions need to settle before meeting with solicitors, however, I think she'll see it as a stall tactic from you. Please stop telling her you don't want this. She knows you don't want it, Ghost, and the more you tell her.....the more she will fight you. If you will stop arguing and struggling, and show cooperation, I think things could go more smoothly. As you said, this is going to happen! Yes, it is. It can get worse, where the cops are called and someone goes to jail..........or be civil and get through it. You have to release the hold.
Be strong buddy... Do not mention therapy to your W, allow her to be as she wants (or think she wants), accept you cannot control her. You being separated from your W will be a blessing for you, a much needed mental break.
Stay calm...
Thank you I will check in again later today thank you for all your support today is going to be a big day and I will get through this
Sandi I hear you Rd thank you for checking in again
So last night I ended up staying at my mum's house wanted to give wife and daughter as much space as possible
I spoke to my wife today and we are going to leave it a few days before contacting solicitors I don't want to rush in with our emotions we will tell the kids I just need to find the right time
The logistics on how we are going to sort everything out is absolutely terrifying but I will manage I will cope interestingly today I have not cried I think for the first time ever in a very long time I now realise my marriage is over and this I will except
I also went and saw my therapist today my counsellor have you was we need to slow things down a little bit and don't make any rash decisions
Thank you again
Ghost
Your sounding strong G. Keep think positive. Life can change and who knows what going to happen in the future
Your right about acting on emotions and mows the time to stand back and no calls or texts to W
Take care. Rd
I have been trying to work out myfinances and I'm not sure if me having the children 50-50 is actually going to give me enough time to work in between the childcare
My wife works in 11 hour night shifts so it is somewhat easier for her to find her money
Has anyone got any experience on how this is likely to panout if I say I need more hrs to work
Many thanks
G, I would imagine 3 out of 4 go to school, so they are occupied to at least 3 PM, 5 days a week and there are institutions called daycare for the little one.
And there are baby sitters. So I do not really see a problem here. Where do you see a problem?
Ghost
Changes in your lifestyle will have to happen if you want to have 50/50. I know mine have. Money is tight now with the support I pay her.
But I will tell you one thing. There
Is no way I would do anything but 50/50 and figure it out. If you give that up wait til you see the money situation then.
I agree about trying to maintain the 50/50 if at all possible. You may have to 'cut your cloth' for now as many of us need to. Perhaps there is a housing/bedroom compromise with some sharing for a while?
I think the main thing is the love and security you provide for your kids. Whether that is in a smaller home or a bigger home is less important...
Xx
Hi G , how are you doing ?
So things seem to have settled at home
I have been in a better frame of mind
I have been thinking a lot about many things and the bottom line is everything is happening and I am unable to stop it.
My W tells me that for the past 8 months we have tried it my way and now we should try something different
My thoughts are yes we have tried in house separation however her mindset has been one of I am done with the marrage and i am not going to work on trying to make things better between us
So a question do I just agree now to stick the house in the market I can see that life is going to be so much more of a struggle but this is what she wants.
Another question is to do with her working she works nights and if we agree a 50-50 split with the child care this might involve me having the kids monday tuesday Wednesday and half of Thursday ...and she has them for the other days what happens when her job changes and then she needs to work lets say mon tues Wednesday and Thursday nights or even a five night job then she will want me to have the children the extra nights so she can go an earn some extra money or what if she decides that she also wants to go out clubbing in the 6 th night will she expect for me to have the children the 6th night as well and if I say no then she puts them with child care how am I going to feel then with my children being cared for by a stranger.
For the love of the children I still want to work this out but it is too far gone
It really is what it is
Sorry mainly venting but the question keep spinning arround I my head
Thanks for looking in
Ghost
Stop worrying about what if this and what if that. You both will figure out the child care and if the kids go to a babysitter then they do. You can't control everything she does and you don't want to either. You state your needs in regards to the child care and so will she and you compromise on certain things. Either that or you can go through courts and have a set schedule to avoid having her walk over you. You do have a say in the way things are handled too.
Also, as far as the whole "I can see it's going to be a struggle" no ghost, now is the struggle. Is like your worried about moving closer to the equator because it will be hot but you ignore thr fact your living in hell right now. It will be better in so many ways, just trust you are strong enough, or will become strong enough, to handle it. You're still scared and thats understandable. This is going to be new for you just as it was for me. I spent a long time fearing being on my own but I recognized it would be good also. It's going to be lonely in some ways but trust me ghost, your going to find yourself and when you do your going to feel amazing. I have the grief and pain of what I did wrong in my M and I wish I could go back and change things but that's not how life works. We're all human and we all have made mistakes and we will all make more mistakes. You learn from these mistakes and move forward with your life.
Hi G. I agree with Fogg 100%. Look beyond wants happening right now your headIng for peace and a chance to grow Issues like the kids will be sorted , houses will be sorted and that's a fact. Worrying won't help
Stay strong. Rd
I sence that I am getting close to the end and I know some will say that it ended the day she dropped the bomb i do not think that she will to to mediation I believe that so much will need to be talked about. With regard to the child care.
This was the point that I was dreading the most solicitors have been instructed and I hope that she is as fair as she said she was going to be.
I am still very attached to her but have been gal for the past few weeks and have been trying to distance myself but as most know I have found this extremely difficult.
The reality of this is starting to sink in
I want to write her a letter But I am totally at a loss as to what I would say I doubt there is anything I could write that could possibly help or change anything in fact I know nothing will change things I just do not want to feel that I could have done something else .
She has been a part of my life for the last 26 years and not having her in my life will leave a massive empty hole.
I worry that I will not be a good enough dad
Rd fogg sandi and anyone else who has been on my thread thank you so much for staying with me I will get through this and I will come out the other side
I have been to the lowest points of my life and now I have to look to the future
I will keep posting
Change myself and learn from what has happend
Ghost
Hey AP,
Looks like we are near the same stage, house going on the market and working out who is going to look after the kids. You are not alone in this, I am going through it too. Time in house S is about the same too.
It is not fun but we can get through it. Its good you are at least looking into the child care issue and thinking about it. Ask you do that with the other things you will find solutions. Like your house, it needs to be sold, can you agree with that? If one person wants to sell you cant hold them back. So get to the next step of figuring out where your going to live. I think once you see your options with that you will feel better. You will find a new place to live. Once you find it or have an idea where your going to go you will start plan you life around that.
As sure as you woke up this morning you can do this!
Vise82
Thank you for checking in with me we are at the same stage I will post on your thread shortly but thank you for checking I with me
This is happening and you and I are very much in the same position and as has been said W is not about to change her mind over this.
My W has already told me that she will divorce me once the house has sold, she wants everything finalised .
My W has almost become a stranger..... again this is her choice in moving on with her life and moving away from me.
I still have her as a friend on facebook it is time for this to change some of the comments that she posts are clearly aimed at the breakdown of our m even tho she would say they are not time to unfriend her.
One of our friends has clearly decided that his loyalty is with her he has not contacted me in months but is commenting on her facebook posts I am very dissapointed in this as he is our children's God parent and thought he would remain true to both of us [censored] [censored]
Hi Ghost,
I think it is very hard for mutual friends to remain that way after the split. In my case, there are no more mutual friends between us... they either went with one or the other. No hard feelings though, it is awkward for them I am sure. Hang in there. Seems like you are posting less and less which I actually take as a good thing.
Hey AP,
I think the facebook thing is a heart breaker. I am never on facebook so its not an issue, I don't think you need to unfriend her just change your settings so that her feed does not show up on your page.
The mutual friend thing stings, Its happening to me as well but with the inlaws. They were my family and now I am an outsider.
Hopefully with your GAL you can meet new people? I haven't made new friends that way yet, but its a start
Hey Ghost,
I missed the FB comment. I think I told you before, but you have to unfollow her at the very least. Why put yourself through that? I blocked my WW as soon as she took 'married' down from there. I have zero regrets about doing that. Then I had to unfollow some mutual friends just so that I didn't see pictures of her or anything.
Ghost,
I think this is the first time I've posted on your thread. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your sitch. Our timing is very similar and my H has filed for D, so I'm headed in same direction as you and it's very difficult. Wanted to say I'm pulling for you.
Also wanted to add my two cents about Facebook. I waited a very long time, but I had to block my H, the OW and all of my in-laws. Just too painful to see what they were posting. I gently explained it to my BIL. Haven't regretted it once. That would be my advice. No need to add to your sadness. Stay strong.
Going to start a new thread it is time for me to call an end to this.
My next thread will be on where to go from here
Thank you for sticking with me
Ghost