I'm not really sure where to post.
I wish there was some type of a combo, because I fit into several different categories.I used to post here regularly, I had a wonderful support group and learned a lot, mainly about saving myself more than the marriage.
I survived the MLC, I've survived the piecing, and now, I think I may be a borderline walk away wife.
Divorce-busting was a Godsend to me. It made a huge difference in my own life. Unfortunately, the big lesson here is that you can't change someone else. You can bang your head against a wall and scream until you're blue in the face, but it won't make anything change if the other person refuses to see themselves as they truly are. That's the great thing about this place, you work on yourself. You make great changes. You learn how to breathe again, and most of all, you take off the rose colored glasses and see things as they truly are.
So now, I'm wavering between giving it one last try or finally having the fortitude to say," I've done my best, let's move on."
I will give you this post anyways,
who were you before?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Was he the one in MLC?
Why do you think you may be a borderline WAW?
I survived my husband's MLC. I never had the luxury of having my own MLC.
I think he was one of the worst ones in DB history.
Anyways, that doesn't really matter now.
Regardless, I am the Queen of detachment, I know the script.
I already know the do's and do nots.
I can go dark, 50 shades of it.
But again, that doesn't matter now.
I think I am at that point where I no longer want to be the nice, understanding wife anymore. I don't want to keep making excuses for his bad behavior and selfishness.
A wise person once told me that excuses satisfy only the person making them.
Hello Mirepoi,
I am sorry that you are finding your way back to this website again. Somehow "Welcome Back" doesn't sound quite right, but I'm glad you have returned to a place where you have received much needed support.
You are thinking you are the WAW now? What has changed since you worked so hard to get your marriage moving in a more positive direction?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Speaking with a DB Coach will help you clarify your goals.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Cristy,
Thank you.
I think more and more about leaving because I am the only one who does any work in this relationship.
Whenever I want to talk about a problem or an issue I am shut down. If I say something that rocks the boat I am usually asked if my period is due or if I had a bad day at work.There is no validation or responsibility on his part.
So, I am fed up and completely spent
You make me think of myself when I first came to the board. It was as if I was saying, "Somebody stop me and tell me why I should stay in this cr@ppy M". However, I'm sure there's a big difference, b/c I was having an online A.
Your statement about not having the luxury of having a MLC also made me think of people who say they don't have the luxury of having a nervous breakdown. I don't think you really mean it. I think you are very resentful b/c you hung in this MR throughout his terrible MLC, and now that he has come through it.........you are none closer to getting your needs met.
Before the MLC, would he shut you down whenever you wanted to discuss problems?
Sandi2,
Yes, you're right.
I know now that he didn't have his MLC on purpose, and I would never want to have one. But it would be nice to "check out" for a short period of time and not have to deal with anything or have any responsibilities
Before the MLC he was a different person. Nobody believed me when I told them about some of the things he was doing.He truly was a MLC-monster.
Regardless, I am emotionally spent.
it would be nice to "check out" for a short period of time and not have to deal with anything or have any responsibilities
= Teenager
Cadet,
I am the responsible one.
"Checking out" isn't an option when you have a job and kids to take care of.
Sunday morning, I finally have a day off from work.
I am enjoying the quiet of the house and not having any feeling of urgency.
My Husband moved out three weeks ago.
It wasn't his choice this time, it was mine.
For over a year I have asked him to take care of some issues that were important for both of us and he ignored me.
I brought the subject up again in October, and I was ignored.
So, after Christmas I gave him an ultimatum, and was ignored again.
But he did move out and is now living with his mother.
I sleep better, I am at peace, and happier.
I have no plans at this time to do anything legal, I just want to take my time to figure things out properly.
I have no desire to see or date anyone, I only want to focus on myself, my kids and my job.
My Husband actually text me to let me know he had finally taken care of two of the issues. He was very proud of himself.
He doesn't understand that all of this was so unnecessary, and doesn't get the part of seeing how exasperated I had become. All he sees is that he is doing what he was supposed to do so everything should be OK again.
Well, it isn't OK.
I really believe in the "faithful in a little, faithful in a lot" and if a person can't follow through with the small things, then how can they be trusted to do the big stuff?
I would probably get more replies if I acted desperate and wanted ways to win my husband back, huh?
The truth of the matter is this....
I did all of that several years ago.
I used to cry myself to sleep and live on a diet of coffee and cigarettes while he was in MLC land.
I used to snoop and have anxiety attacks just thinking about him and the OW.I used to analyze his every word or move and there are pages and pages of my posts on this forum. I spent hours on here, and it really did help me. But now, I am emotionally spent.
Divorce-busting taught me how to get a life.
I don't want to deal with any more BS.
I want him to grow up, but I don't think he is capable of doing so.
I am trying to figure out how I feel and the only word that keeps coming to mind is pity, not love.
I honestly don't know why I haven't filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage.
That's another thing I am trying to figure out.
Hi
From what you have said I am very sorry for the pain you had to endure, MLC's are one of the most destructive things.
There are things and circumstances that lead up to these crisis's
are you absolutely certain that these issues he has are not rooted in something else. I used to think my wife did not understand me, the reality was it was me who had the issues and a lot of the things I did not like about her stemed from the way I treated her, I have now taken responsibility for and changed my thinking now I understand this!
Mirepoi,
May I ask you a question? Why didn't you post over in the MLC Forum? It sounds like what is happening in your situation is the fallout of reconciling w/a MLCer. It's been a while since you left the Forum and I sense from your posting that things didn't change w/your h or your marriage fell back into old habits.
Did your h finish up his crisis or did he snap out of it because of something going on w/you and his family? If that is the case, then he may very well go back into crisis again. Did you reconcile too quickly? Both of you are entirely different people now and if he did complete his crisis, he may not be the same person that he once was and you probably aren't either. Expectations have a way of disappointing us.
I do understand the "pity", not love, feeling for him. He doesn't see what is going on around him, nor has he done the necessary work to grow up. Living w/mom won't help him either because there is someone there still to take care of him.
Divorce is a very serious decision and one you need to think about. Ask yourself this...can I continue as I have been for the next 5, 10 or 20 years w/this man? Do you want to continue being his "mother"? If you can honestly say no to these questions, then you will need sit quietly for a bit and think about how you would go about living your life as a single woman and not have him in your life. Don't make any decisions until you have had time to think about them.
I remember well your diet of coffee, cigarettes and chocolate. You had a very difficult time dealing w/his MLC for a while. Yes, you spent many, many hours over on the MLC Forum and I'm glad that it helped you to put things into print and have posters there to assist you.
For now, you need to focus on you, your life and your finances. BTW, I'm not surprised that you are questioning whether to stay w/him or not. Reconciling w/someone either in crisis or who has recovered is difficult and time consuming and it will try the patience of "JOB". Some will make it and others will opt to call it quits. If you opt to call it quits, just remember, you gave it your best shot and you are not a failure.
As for your h, he needs time and space to grow up...but the question still hangs in the balance...will he?
I'll pop back around to check on you later.
I am afraid I now know who you are, so sorry to hear this.
I agree with Job post on MLC forum,
although it seems to me you should be giving us advice vs the other way around.
Seems to me you used to have a charlie brown shack, or was that Lucy, right?
Job,
You are right on all counts.
I feel resentful because I worked so hard to try and do the right thing. I followed all of the "rules" and welcomed him home with no questions asked.
I worked on myself and I actually was very proud of all of the changes I made. I went back to school and finally earned that degree
I really tried my best.
But he remained stagnant.
Yes, there were some changes, and some of them were positive, it hasn't been all bad.
But the things that have remained the same are the things that drain me emotionally.
I have kids, I don't want any more. I wanted a Husband, not a man-child.
On a positive note, he started seeing a therapist last week.
He knows there is a problem.
He knows I am not the cause of it. This much he has shared with me.
He is in a deep depression and is having a huge pity party.
I guess I need to move back to the MLC forum.
Oy Vey!
Cadet,
You've lost me with the Charlie Brown references.
How did I not know this? I hope you are okay, if you need anything sofaraway isn't so far away..... I had no idea...
Ian